In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 4, Episode 8 - In Sickness and in Health - full transcript

# Ding dong merrily on high
In heav'n the bells are ringing

# Ding dong verily the sky
is riv'n with angel singing

# Gloria

# Hosanna in excelsis

# Gloria

# Hosanna in excelsis #

(PLAYING JINGLE BELLS)

Shut that bloody door, will ya!

There's a freezing, cold wind
coming through there.

Come on, Alf,
where's your Christmas spirit?

He's drunk it.



-Lovely music. Oh, I love Christmas.
-Bloody row.

Shame there won't be many more of them.
Well, for some of us, anyways.

Yeah, and not for Mr Garnett.

I wouldn't think you'll see
many more Christmases, eh, Mr Garnett?

Eh, never mind,
they ain't what they used to be.

-Fred!
- (LAUGHING) No regrets, eh?

Ready to go. Packed and ready!

And why not? Hardly worth
hanging about at your age, is it?

Happy Christmas.

I'm ready to go when he calls,
don't you worry.

And I won't be sorry, neither!

Oh, come on, look on the bright side.
You'll be here for this Christmas.

You've got one more to enjoy at least.
Unless you're taken sudden.

Oh, I'll bet it's wonderful
up there at Christmas.



The Lord's birthday.

I'll bet it's very Christmassy
with all the decorations.

Better than Oxford Street.

Everybody standing
round the tree in God's house.

Everybody giving everybody else
wonderful Christmas presents.

Oh, and all the angels singing carols.

I hope the beer's
a bit better than this up there.

Well, we won't all be going up there,
at least not to the Catholic heaven.

I mean, we might all be God's children,
even the sinners,

but there is the other place too,
don't forget.

They'll be no Christmas there.
Serve them right.

Here, Alf, do you reckon
they let dogs into heaven?

I don't know.

No, I think
they've got their own heaven.

Don't talk daft.
How can they have their own heaven?

Dogs need us to look after them,
don't they?

Wild animals don't.

I'm not talking
about wild animals, missus.

I'm talking about dogs and cats
and horses, animals like that.

I mean, dogs,
they need people to look after them.

They can't do nothing for themselves.

I'd love to see old Rover again.

Besides, there'd have to be pigs
and cows and sheep up there for food.

Otherwise, what are we going to eat?

And turkeys.
You'd need turkey for Christmas.

I've got a turkey.

16lb bird, I reckon.
Oh, a big fat thing.

You know, I don't think
we'll get that in the oven.

Cor, am I looking
forward to eating that.

Well, and pork.
I've got a leg of pork that big.

(SNIFFS)

What have you got, Mr Garnett?

Nothing. Bread and cheese, if I'm lucky.

Oh, yes, I do feel sorry for people
have to struggle at the Christmas.

Yeah, now, that is the rotten thing
about Christmas, you know.

When you're sitting down
to your Christmas dinner,

big, fat turkey, ready to carve,
plenty to drink.

And then you think of others, you know,
people, maybe just down the road,

with nothing, no fire even, trying to
get warmth out of a candle, no dinner.

Oh, it takes the edge off things a bit,
you know what I mean?

Especially if you've got
any Christian feeling, it does.

Yeah, I mean,
it spoils your own dinner a bit.

But I think, well, it's only
for one day, innit?

You know what, Fred, what might be nice?

If we took someone in, someone cold
and hungry, let them share with us.

What and spoil our own Christmas?
No, thank you.

It would be a Christian thing to do.

Look, we're plenty Christian enough
without that sort of rubbish.

Bringing strangers into the house,
people you don't know,

people you don't even like.

Mr Garnett, we know him, we like him.

FRED: Do we?

Could be Christian to him,
just for one day.

-It'd only be for the day.
-No.

Just for lunch.
We could send him back home after lunch.

He wouldn't mind.

You wouldn't mind if we sent you back
home after lunch, would you, Mr Garnett?

Mr Garnett don't wanna have charity.

You don't want
to have charity, do you, Mr Garnett?

Of course he don't. People like him

with just bread and cheese
for Christmas,

they're like those blokes
who live in cardboard boxes.

This is some sort of punishment
they've got to do to please the Lord.

You know,
like prisoners do their porridge.

Mr Garnett, he's gotta
do his bread and cheese.

It could be his only way of gaining
repentance, getting into heaven.

Do you wanna spoil that for him?
well, that would be Christian.

God ain't daft, mate.

He knows who the real Christians are,
don't you worry.

(LOUDLY) And he's not deaf, neither.

He might be old, God,
but he ain't senile.

He knows it takes more than
a paper hat and a Christmas tree,

and a turkey and a leg of pork
at Christmas to make you a Christian.

And the good Lord Jesus,
he never had no turkey,

or no leg of pork,

not when he spent that Christmas
at Bethlehem.

And he was your first Christian!

-He was born in a stable.
-Yes.

Amongst the horses.

Well, he must like animals, then.

He had his own donkey, didn't he?

-There was no room at the inn.
-No.

Because there was no one in that inn
who had Christian feeling enough

to say to him,
"Oi, you ain't got no dinner,

"come and have
your Christmas dinner with us.

"We've got a nice, fat turkey,
16th, what won't go in the oven,

"and a leg of pork, see,
and a Christmas pudding.

"Come and sit round our Christmas tree."

The Three Wise Men came to see him.

-Yeah.
-And they brought him things.

Wise Men.
They was a bit shrewd, probably.

Yeah. And they had an inkling
of who he might be,

or what he might turn out to be,
the son of God.

So they thought, "Well, I'll be nice
to him now, while he's on his uppers,

"while he's pot less,

"and then, who knows what rewards
might be for us later on."

Wasn't he Jewish?

Well, so they say.
I mean, that is the rumour.

Wouldn't have wanted pork then,
would he? I mean,

it'd be against his religion,
wouldn't it, to eat pork?

Not his religion.
No, not the Lord's religion.

He was the first Christian, Bert.

So, the first Christian was a Jew?

Well, I don't know, uh...

I mean, that is the rumour, yeah, but...

Well, I mean, it's a long time ago now.

The world was a funny place
in them days.

I mean, there was a lot of people,
they didn't know who they was,

or what they was, 'cause, I mean,

the Lord hadn't arrived
by then to tell them, you see.

I mean, that was his first visit,
by all accounts.

So I mean, who knows, you know?
Perhaps he was a bit, you know, Jewish,

but only on his mother's side.

I mean, see, God the Father
is English, if he's anything.

I mean, it's the Church of England,
Her Majesty the Queen's church.

I mean, it stands to reason, I mean...

It's his world, he can be
what he bloody well likes, can't he?

So, I mean... So, why be Jewish?

I mean, given the choice, Bert,
what would you rather be?

-English.
-Exactly.

I've seen his mother.

We've got pictures of her in the church.

She don't look a bit Jewish.

It was a miracle. A virgin birth.

Oh, I'd love to see old Rover again.

I'd like to explain to him
why I had to have him put down.

I think he'd understand
'cause it wasn't really me, you know,

it was more the wife.
It was only to stop her nagging.

You what I mean?
I think he'd understand that.

Mind you, it was a bit of his own fault,
'cause he did bark a lot.

Not today, sister.

Oh, cor blimey. Here we go.
On the bleeding ear hole.

No good shaking
that thing at me, my dear,

I ain't got nothing,
I'm an old age pensioner.

A marvellous idea of Christianity
your lot have got.

I'm one of the ones
you should be giving it to,

not trying to take it off of.

Don't give her nothing! You got
anything to spare, I'll have it!

-It's for a good cause.
-I'm a good cause!

-Christmas for the needy.
-I am the needy!

I've got bread and cheese
for my Christmas dinner.

You wanna do a Christian act, my dear,
you fill that box up and give it to me.

Don't take no notice of him, love,
he's an old Scrooge.

Here. I can't give much more 'cause
I've got to save some for me own church.

Who gets all this money
they're collecting?

Various charities.

Yeah, well, I ain't never seen
none of it.

I've never had a penny
out of Christianity.

Not a brass farthing!

You have to belong to something.

-You don't belong to a church.
-That's where they hand it out.

What, sort of share out amongst
your regulars, is it?

Well, you have to be a regular.
They got to know you.

Yeah, well, it's a reward, I suppose,

for having to sit there and listen
to vicars' awful bloody boring sermons.

(BAND PLAYING DECK THE HALLS)

Here, I don't know why you keep on
about bread and cheese.

I mean, we've saved for Christmas.

Here's my money.

Well?

Well, where's yours?

You said you'd save five shillings
a week for Christmas.

Not every week. I didn't say every week.

I managed.
I only get the same pension you get.

I'm a man, ain't I?

-I've got more expenses than you have.
-What expenses?

Well, it's obvious, innit?
Tobacco for a start.

I have to buy tobacco.

It's not cheap to keep that pipe filled.

-Well, don't smoke then.
-Oh, God blimey.

I mean, that's your answer
for everything, innit?

I mean, I'm not gonna give up my pipe
just for Christmas.

Christmas is supposed to be
for enjoying yourself,

not making yourself bloody miserable.

Right, well, you can have
Christmas on your own!

'Cause I only get my old age pension
same as you.

And I don't see why I should help
keep you on it.

I have to help keep you on mine,
don't I?

What? You do what? You do what? What?

Who takes you out, then?
who pays then, eh?

Takes me out?
when have you ever taken me out?

I took you over the pub, didn't I?

-Yeah, and I never felt so shown up.
-What do you mean, "shown up"?

No, I wouldn't expect you to understand.

-Picking up fag-ends...
-Oil Oil

I spent hours picking them up!

I've never forgiven you
for Australia yet.

Hey, that's my pipe!

I don't know what that poor Salvation
Army girl must have thought of you.

No wonder you're not liked.
You're mean, mean, that's what you are.

And stingy!

-Ibought you drinks, didn't I?
-Eh?

One gin and tonic. One gin and tonic.

Here you go. I wouldn't want you
to spend a sleepless night.

-You had more than that.
-Yes, but you didn't buy 'em.

Oh, thank you, Lord.
Thank you for saving me from...

I won't say it. I won't say it!

I won't commit a mortal sin for you.

You ungrateful cow!

Look at that, look at that!

The last time I take her out anywhere.

Ah, you wanted to see me?

Yeah, sorry to disturb you, Vicar,
and drag you away from your prayers.

Erm, only, I've found some money
on the church porch

and I would like to return it
to its rightful owner.

Well, thank you.
That's very commendable.

It almost certainly belongs
to one of my parishioners,

and they're poor people round here.
well, we all are, aren't we?

It's not a wealthy parish.

And I'm sure whoever lost it will be
very relieved to have it returned.

Well, that's what I thought.

I mean, every penny counts
round here, eh, Vicar?

Oh, most certainly. And I must say,

it's very generous of you to
return the money.

You're not a rich man yourself.

Poor as I am, Vicar, I couldn't rest
easy with the Lord

if I thought I was adding
to the suffering of another.

Yes, it's very worthy.

Well, worthy we must be, eh?
In the service of the Lord.

Yes, yes, quite.
Ah, but many of us aren't.

But you are, ain't you, Vicar?

Well, yes, I hope so.

-But then, it's my vocation.
-Yeah.

Yeah, I thought you might be.
Thought you might be.

Never mind what the others say, eh?

What who say?

Oh, look, I don't want
to talk out of turn, but...

It's just some of them round here,
they say they don't get much out of you.

They say you're full of prayers
and nothing else.

Well...

So I told them, I told them, I said,
look, if God has seen fit to give you

a nice, big house to live in, well,
that is God's business, innit?

This is the vicarage.

Of course, goes with the job.
I know that.

There's a lot of them round here
that don't understand that.

See, I was telling her, I was telling
her upstairs, Mrs Hollingbery,

I said, "Them men like the vicar",
I said, "have to work hard

"studying at college and university

"to land a nice, cushy job like this

"with a house thrown in
and no rent to pay, but...

"If God only wants
to employ educated men

"to spread his word, well..."

(PLAYS MELODY ON PIANO)

Well, I mean, other big businesses,
they do the same, don't they?

Your ICI, your Ford, your GCE,

British Telecom,

they only employ university-educated men
to run their businesses, don't they?

And, I mean, God's business
is as big as theirs, innit?

Well, it's bigger. I mean,
God's business is international, innit?

And you can't expect him
to want to employ

a lot of cloth-capped, working-class
rubbish to run his head office.

Or, as in your case, Vicar,
the branch office.

I mean, God ain't daft, is he?

-This money you found.
-Oh, yeah...

(COUGHING)

-Are you all right?
-My chest!

(HACKING)

(GROANING)

Is there anything I can do?

Don't worry about me,
I'll be all right, it's just...

(COUGHING) It's only the one thing
can help me

when I get into this state.

(HACKING)

-Isee.
-No, no. It's not what you think, Vicar.

No, I'm not trying to scrounge
a buckshee drink.

I can't... I can't touch the stuff,
I can't bear the taste of it.

I only wish I could.
It's what my chest needs, I know that.

The doctor's always telling me,
but try as I might...

(HACKING) I can't make myself drink it.

I have to rub it in, you see.

Could you put a few drops on me hand?
I could rub it into my chest.

It relieves the congestion.
It's the oils in it, I think.

Yes, of course, how much?

Just a few drops.

That's enough, thank you.

Oh, God!

(COUGHING)

That's a little bit better.

Doctor's always saying to me,

"Mr Garnett, if only
you could drink it", he said.

He said, "It gets into the bloodstream
so much quicker.

"Be brave," he said.

"Be brave." I wish I could.
I really wish I could.

(GRUNTS)

(GROANING AND WHEEZING LOUDLY)

Are you sure you're all right?

Yeah, it's all right, Vicar,
I'll be brave.

I'll be brave.

You have to help me, though.
You have to help me. I'll tell you what.

Look, just hold my nose and
pour it in, will you?

Go on, make me drink it, make me.
Go on. Go on.

I'll do it, I'll try, I will...
I'll do me best, go on.

(SIGHING) Bloody hell.
I beg your pardon.

It's so... It acts so fast.

It's wonderful, it's...

The cough is gone. It's...
That's miraculous.

Here we are. Do it again.
Go on, be firm with me.

Make me do it. Go on.
Make me drink it. Be firm.

Gordon Bennett! That's marvellous.

Did that even without
holding me nose, it's...

God, it's true. Look at that.
Clear as a bell.

It's gone, it's gone. It's a miracle.
It's a miracle cure, Vicar.

Thank you.
Thank you for making me drink it.

That's enough.

Hallelujah. Praise be to the Lord.

I think you've had enough of that.
This money you found...

Oh, yeah.

Here we are, Vicar.

It's 10p.

Yeah. Look, will you put a little
notice on the church porch

advertising it's been found?
I don't want no reward.

Advertise it? 10p?

It may not seem much to you, Vicar,
not with your job and your lifestyle,

but there's a lot of them round here
not as fortunate as what you are,

who would miss that.

I mean, that could be
a matter of life and death

to some poor, old bugger round here.

"A matter of life and death"?

That 10p could save some
poor old person like myself

from death from hypothermia.

10p?

Well, yeah, I mean, I might wanna buy
a pullover, you know,

to stop myself from freezing to death.

And I might... It might be marked up to
£5 and I've only got £4.90.

Well, you keep
the 10p and buy your pullover.

No, I couldn't do that, Vicar.

I couldn't take
what don't belong to me, see?

Besides, I ain't got the £4.90,
so I gotta freeze anyway.

Well, I...

It's all right. I don't want you
to worry about me, Vicar.

How much did you say your pullover was?

What, the one to stop me
catching hypothermia?

It's £5, that one is.

But, well, it's only thin, see,
'cause it's only cotton.

They got wool at £10, but

I could make do with the cotton
if I have to.

Here you are.

I see, I've got to
make do with the cotton, have I?

Thank you, Vicar, and a Merry Christmas.

By the way... Sit down, will you?

There's a turkey and a leg of pork
that I've asked the Lord for

for Christmas dinner, like. You ain't
heard nothing about that, I suppose?

No. Well, he's a busy man.

I mean, it's a big place, heaven.
It's a lot for one God, innit?

I mean, especially this time of year.

I have given you money for
a new pullover,

and there are others in the
neighbourhood equally in need of help.

Yeah, but it's them
I'm thinking of, Vicar.

I mean, you don't think I wanted that
turkey and pork for myself, do you?

Goodness me, no.

No, it's just this poor, old lady
that I look after.

An old lady?

Yeah, she prays every Christmas for
a bit of turkey and pork.

And rather than risk her faith
in the Lord be weakened,

I've taken it upon myself
to do the Lord's work

and so far I've been able
to scrape together enough

to make her believe that her prayers
have been answered.

You provide her Christmas dinner?

Yeah, but I mean, the Lord's going
to have to work his miracles

through somebody else
this year, because...

-You can't help her?
-No, I'm an old age pensioner myself.

Who is this lady?

I mean, up until now, Vicar,
it's been between me and the good Lord.

I would rather keep it that way.

Well, I'll have to know who
the lady is, or...

Yeah, she won't take charity, so...

I tell you what.
Look, you provide the dinner,

and I'll get it to her.
Don't you worry about that.

How?

Well, it's not easy.

I mean, I have to make it look
like it's come from the Lord, you see.

I mean, well, you know,
she wakes up every Christmas morning

there it is, boom-boom,
on the end of her bed. A miracle.

And she believes this.

Why not?

I mean, people believe
in Father Christmas, don't they?

If Father Christmas can come down
the chimney, why can't the Lord?

Yes, but we don't expect the Lord
to behave like Father Christmas, do we?

No, but that old lady does.

It's faith, you see, Vicar, faith.

I mean, it's nothing for him, is it?
A miracle like that. Nothing.

I mean, what, after walking
on the waters and loaves and the fishes,

raising his self up from the dead.

Blimey.

Climbing down a chimney,
that's a doddle for him, innit?

Have no worries. I will provide
the old lady's hamper this year.

God bless you, Vicar.

What's this?

"To Mr Garnett from Mrs Hollingbery."

That's the handkerchiefs
I gave him last year.

Right, he can have them again.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Who's that?

-Mr Garnett?
-Oh, yeah, come in.

-Thank you.
-Eh, go through.

Oh, put it on the table.

Right. There we go.

Erm...

Mr Garnett's out the back,
he won't be long.

And you are Mrs Garnett?

Oh, no, no, no. I'm Mrs Hollingbery.

I live upstairs.

Mr Garnett! Mr Garnett!

I'm coming. There's no paper in the lav.
(TOILET FLUSHING)

We're right down to the cardboard... Oh.

Yes, I've brought the hamper for...

Is this the lady?

-Uh, no, no, no.
-What lady?

Um, nothing, nothing,
it's just an old lady.

It's a lady Mr Garnett
is very interested in.

You don't know the lady?

I don't wanna know
any of his ladies, thank you.

No, it's not... Um, no, no.

Look, we must tell your friend.
You mustn't get the wrong impression.

No, and I wish you wouldn't get the
wrong impression, neither, Reverend.

-I'm a respectable woman.
-Yes, of course, I...

She's a virgin, she said.

Ooh.

Well, it's nothing to do with
either of you what I am!

No, of course not,
I was just trying to explain.

Mr Garnett is...

Well, he's inclined to try
and hide his light under a bushel.

He is a man of the most remarkable
Christian sensitivities.

This good, kind man here

has been looking after a poor,
unfortunate old lady for some years now.

Very unfortunate
if she'd had anything to do with him.

He has gone without
to provide for another.

-Oh, what lies has he been telling you?
-No, it's none of your business, is it?

No, I intend to make it
my business though.

What you been up to?
Come on, out with it.

-What lies you been telling him?
- (GROWLING) Shut up.

-I won't let...
-You'll be sorry. Look. Look.

It's for us.
It's for Christmas, Christmas.

(STUTTERING) Sorry, I'll explain.

You know how it is. I mean,
you try and do a good turn,

and I mean, I don't want it to come out.

-Yes, so sorry.
-It's embarrassing, you see.

It's between me, my conscience
and the ballot box.

(SIGHS)

Look at that! Look at that! Look!
Look at this. Look at that.

Look at the breast on that. Lovely.

I'm going down to that church,

and I'm going to tell that vicar
exactly what you've been up to.

No, I done it for you,
I didn't just do it for me, did I?

-Done it for me.
-I did, I did!

Well, I don't want you doing things
like that for me, do you hear?

I mean, really, how that vicar
could believe such a tale

is beyond me. I mean,
he must be a right simpleton.

Look, it's a...

He don't know you. He don't know you.
That's his only excuse.

It's a lovely hamper. Cor blimey, that'd
make a marvellous Christmas for us.

Look, look, there's a turkey
and a leg of pork!

Eh, eh? And look at that, wine.

-You like a drop of wine.
-Get off me.

Yes, and whisky, look, whisky here.

Cor blimey, look, we deserve it,
we're old age pensioners.

No! Take it back!

I don't understand you.
You're mad, you are. You're potty!

If you don't take it back,

I'm going down to that church and
I'm going to tell that vicar everything.

You would do, wouldn't you!

You'd like to make me look awful,
wouldn't you?

Nature beat me to it.

(GRUNTING)

It's staying here!

-I'm warning you. I'm warning you.
-I'm warning you.

No, it was very sad, really, to see that
poor old soul passing on like that.

But, I mean, she is probably better
off than we are now,

up there with the Lord. Mmm.

-So you've brought the hamper back.
-Yes.

And we'd like your advice
about what to do with it.

Well, you know, I think you
and Mrs Hollingbery should have it.

-Right, if...
-No!

No, I'd rather it went to
some other poor soul.

I see, um, any ideas?

-You leave it to me, Vicar.
-No!

Look, will you let me explain?

You see, Vicar, there's a lot of
very poor old people

who live round where I do,
and what I thought I'd do,

I thought I'd like to raffle it.

-Raffle it?
-Not charge them, no!

Nothing like that, not that.
I wouldn't... I mean...

No, I'd just, you know, put all their

poor, little, old names into the hat,

and whichever one is drawn out,
wins the hamper.

I mean, that's fair, isn't it?

You can't argue against that, can you?

Thank you, Vicar. God bless.

"A Garnett".

I know it looks like cheating, Lord.

I mean, there's not enough
Christian spirit about,

real Christian spirit,
that's the trouble.

"A Garnett".

So I have to resort to subterfuge
like this. "A Garnett".

Just to get me self
a decent Christmas dinner.

"A Garnett".

(MRS HOLLINGBERY CALLS OUT)

-What're you doing?
-It's for the raffle.

Oh.

Don't you feel better now?

Oh, yeah.

Knowing that someone more
unfortunate than us can win that.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, if you'd kept
that hamper yourself,

you'd have felt guilty
all over Christmas.

Oh, yeah.

Now you'll have a clear conscience.

Oh, yeah.

Anyway, you could even win it.

Oh, yeah!

You have put your own name in,
haven't you?

(TSKS)

-Should I?
-Oh, yeah.

"A Garnett".

Give yourself a chance.

Oh, yeah.

Right. All right.
Gather round, everybody!

We're gonna draw the raffle. Come on!

Now, I put all your names in here,
got them out the electoral register.

(EXCITED MURMURING)

See, now, I'm in there as well.

Why, it's only fair. I'm as old
and as poor as the rest of you.

What? I am a pensioner,
of course I am. Right.

So, right, we'll have it.
who's gonna draw it?

-I will. I'll draw it, Alf.
-What do you reckon?

Shall we let old Bert draw it?

-Yes!
-Yes!

Quiet. Cross your fingers, everybody!

I'll get right down
into the bottom, Alf.

-Right.
-There we are then. There it is.

Go on then, read it out.

No, I pulled it.
Let somebody else do it.

All right, somebody else read it out.

(ALL CLAMOURING)

(SHUSHING)

"Bert Lascombe".

(ALL CHEERING)

Bit of luck, wasn't it, eh?

-What do you mean, "luck"?
-Well, it's fair, innit?

Fair? That wasn't fair!

(ALL TALKING)

-"A Garnett".
-"A Garnett".

"A Garnett"!

-"A Garnett".
-"A Garnett".

I think I'll have an early night.

# Now my old darling
they've laid her down fo rest

# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart

# But they don't give a monkey's
down at the DHSS

# And they've been holding on to
me pension for a start

# So it won't be very long
before I buy a song

# Then I'll probably starve to death
that's what I'll do

# For richer or poorer
I'm bloody poor and that's a fact

# Just 'cause in sickness and in health
I said I do

# In sickness and in health
I said I do #