In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 4, Episode 7 - Episode #4.7 - full transcript
The sight-seeing continues with Alf having a confrontation with a crocodile and some Aboriginals,who nonetheless get the better of him after he tries to patronise them. Back at Ricky's Alf gets a business proposition from Ricky and his partner Mooney but it is apparent that they have misunderstood Alf's financial position and soon the three Brits are on the plane back home.
# Now my old darling
they've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved
me pension for a start
# But it won't be very long
before I'm on that plane
# Off to Aussie
where they got a bob or two
# For richer, not poorer
'cause I'm fed up being skint
# That's why in sickness and in health
I'll say I do
# Once more in sickness and in health
I'll say I do #
ALF: Daft, innit?
Come all this way to Australia
just to drive through a bleeding jungle.
RICKY: Right-o, A, if you want to pee.
Gotta be careful around here.
This is crocodile country we're in now.
Come on, Ricky.
There are no crocodiles in these parts.
They've been seen.
Still, a few crocs
wouldn't bother old Alf. Eh, AILf?
A tough old Brit like him?
We're safe enough here.
I mean, sitting in this truck, like?
Too right.
I mean, if it's dangerous,
we shouldn't be here, should we?
What are you, scared, Alf?
No, no, I... I wasn't thinking
of me self, I mean...
We got the women here, see...
Listen, you don't worry about
a few crocs, Alf. They're all right.
He's a good old boy.
Why do they say don't go near them then?
Keep away from them?
Well, it's not because
he doesn't like us, Alf.
He likes us.
He likes us the way we like steak.
-It's sharks he's frightened of.
-Shut up!
Well, the shark's like the croc,
isn't it?
He likes us like we like fish and chips.
-Look, I'm busting.
-Over there. Listen...
Give you a little tip, Alf.
If you've never been near a croc before,
watch your legs.
(EXCLAIMS)
-You're frightening Mr Garnett.
-No...
Frighten an old warrior like him?
Get out of it!
-I'm not frightened.
-There's nothing to be frightened of.
-She's never been croc hunting.
-Neither have you.
You don't know everything I do.
Now I can arrange
a day's hunting for you, Alf.
You'd like that, wouldn't you?
Yeah... Yeah, I would like it,
but I don't think I'll have time,
you know,
what with the wedding arrangements.
-I mean, I've got to think of her.
-Listen, it'll only be for a day.
Hey, I'd take you, Arthur,
only you don't want a crowd.
You see, the croc will not come out
when there's a crowd.
He gets confused.
Yeah, well, see, I've got
this chest of mine anyway, and...
(COUGHING)
With the heat out here,
it could do for me.
That's not gonna bother Alf.
No, I've got my leg.
You know that, Arthur.
-That's right.
-That leg of mine.
Listen, we're not going
to walk there, Alf.
No, but I wouldn't want
to let you down with it.
RICKY: Let me down?
You've got to be joking.
Don't be ridiculous!
Come on, Alf. Be fair.
That's blowing back in!
RICKY: It's down to the left, is it?
You can't...
Don't understand English, you see?
Hello! Hello. john-john.
You black man, me white man!
Understandee?
Me have black man home, cross big water!
He do my shopping. He make my tea.
"T." Understandee?
He very good boy!
Me from England.
Home of great white queen.
You see her on the telly.
She come from sky
in big white bird.
Look, me come here, hunt crocodile.
(IMITATING SHOOTING)
Croc-o-dile. Understand?
For handbag for my missus.
She my woman.
You have woman?
Bugger off, you old fool.
We've got work to do. Get it?
Understandee?
MRS HOLLINGBERY: Understandee! Skinhead!
(MRS HOLLINGBERY LAUGHING)
(SHUSHING)
I'll go behind the bush.
When I poke me head out, you call him.
Don't give him a heart attack.
-It's all right. It's only papier maché.
-No, Ricky, don't.
-It's only a joke.
-It could frighten him.
It could give him a heart attack,
it really could. He's an old man.
Oh, do it! It'll be good for a laugh,
it's all right.
Just a laugh, that's all.
Gotta have a laugh now and again.
Yeah.
MRS HOLLINGBERY: (SCREAMING) Crocodile!
Stop it!
ALF: How was I to know?
It's not my fault, is it?
Someone yelled, "Crocodile."
I had to act fast.
I didn't know it was him.
They move fast, them buggers.
Said so himself,
like greased lightning, they are.
He said so.
There's women and children.
That's all I had time to think.
People are in danger.
That's all I had in my mind.
-Oh, you moved fast, Alf.
-Had to, Arthur.
Had to take the bugger out quick.
Only had a piece of wood.
(GROANING)
I had no time to think, Arthur.
Well, you don't, do you?
Not in a situation like that.
I didn't know it was him fooling about.
Very silly thing to do, if you ask me.
Ought to know better.
No, I heard Arthur yell out,
Mrs Hollingbery scream,
I saw the crocodile and bang!
I was at him.
Just a piece of wood, Arthur.
That's all I had. Small piece of wood.
I mean, people hunt them things,
don't they? With guns.
-It wasn't a real crocodile.
-Yeah, but I didn't know that, did I?
It was only poor Ricky.
Well, now, fair dues,
he didn't know it was Ricky.
-He thought it was a crocodile.
-Right.
I felt proud.
I must say that I felt proud of him.
Yeah, well...
Gotta have a laugh, eh, Arthur?
You what?
Don't you start with me.
Don't you start with me, missus.
Mooney? Ricky.
That house deal I've been
telling you about, my sister's house.
It's 20 grand, it'll give us the deal.
Listen, it's worth £120,000.
It's a gift any way you look at it.
It's a neat deal.
It's 100 grand profit cut two ways.
You want in for £10,000?
(LAUGHING)
Well, you know me. Am I simple?
Yeah, of course there'll be clauses.
Yeah, all our way.
Listen, they're old people,
they won't last long. A few years.
Hang on.
Hello? Listen, of course I can swing it.
She's me sister, she trusts me.
Listen, I can't talk now. Come over, eh?
It's London property.
Yeah. It's climbing all the time.
Yeah, look at the prices.
It's offshore, yeah. Look, come over.
Right.
Cigar?
-Oh, thank you.
-RICKY: Not at all.
You got a light?
Nice house, innit?
-Not bad.
-Food's good, too.
Not bad.
For nothing.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Happy?
-What?
-Have a nice trip over?
On the plane, was it comfortable?
I sent two good tickets.
Two good seats.
It's a long way.
You gotta be comfortable, your age, eh?
Well, in club class,
you got all that leg room, haven't you?
We wasn't in club class.
We were in economy.
Bloody cramped it was, too.
I know you wasn't in bloody club class.
-I caught you, haven't I?
-You've been going through my luggage.
-You've been through my belongings!
-Don't come the old innocent.
You've been through my case!
I sent two clubs over
and you traded them in for economies
and you stuck to the rest!
You've been through
my personal belongings.
Don't come the old injured party
with me, sunshine. I have caught you.
No, no, you're the one
who's been caught, you've been... Yes!
You've been down my belongings.
Arthur, you're a witness.
He's been poking about
in my personal private belongings.
-There's laws against that...
-In my house, in my house!
Searching for things in my own house!
Anybody's house,
that's private property...
That case is my personal
private property.
-What's going on in here?
-I just caught a thief.
Fraud, fraud, he's had me over.
-He's been in my room.
-My room!
-What have you been doing?
-What have I been doing?
Ask him. Ask him what he's been doing!
He's been down my bag.
He's broken into my case!
I'm the injured party!
Don't let him become the old innocent!
That case was locked and hidden.
I'd hid it.
-You hid your case? In my house?
-Well, I'm sharing a room, ain't I?
God.
No.
Arthur, nothing against you,
but I mean, better safe than sorry.
Look, you can't blame me.
He's been into it.
He's found it poking about in there.
I mean, trying to find people's personal
belongings and breaking into them?
I was having a look, just having a look!
It's my house!
Just having a look! That case
was under the bleeding floorboards!
Under the... Under the floorboards?
I can look under floorboards
in me own house!
-Sod off!
-Two club tickets I bought, eh?
These are economies, bloody economies.
He's had me over.
That's how he brought his friend over.
Who invited him? I didn't.
I've had to put him up.
I've had to feed him.
He's another mouth.
-I'm sorry...
-I'm not blaming you, it's him!
Sticking me with strangers.
Filling my house with strangers!
-He's not a stranger. He's my friend.
-How do I know who he is?
I don't even know who you are!
I open my house to strangers,
I act the genial host
and he sticks me with strangers.
How do I know who these people are?
-No of fence.
-I said I was sorry.
-I'm not blaming you.
-well, I'll go.
-Well, I'd sooner he went.
-He's here to marry your sister.
Right, then get a priest,
get them married, then out,
back to where they bloody came from!
(CRYING)
-Now look what you've done.
-Not her, I didn't mean her.
-I'm sorry about this.
-Not him! I didn't mean him!
What's she crying for?
She's got nothing to cry about
I've been good to her.
I brought her over here.
-I've offered to buy their house.
-Buy my house?
-Lend you the money.
-Did you say, "Buy my house"?
Lend you the money for it.
Listen, why are we arguing, eh?
we're all family, for Christ's sake, eh?
Come on. Let's have a drink.
What's a misunderstanding, eh?
We are family, we are all family.
It's no time for long faces, eh?
We are going to have a wedding, eh?
Brother-in-law.
(CONTINUES CRYING)
Shut up!
Johnnie Walker Black Label!
-Yeah.
-He's got stacks of it down there.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
-Good health, Arthur.
-Good health.
(GASPING)
-Does he know you're drinking it?
-No.
And with any luck,
we'll be home before he finds out.
Right.
I think we'll have a fresh one
tomorrow, eh?
Look out, someone's coming!
-Wait a minute, let me go over it again.
-RICKY: Yeah.
What's the outlay so far?
Two air fares from London?
Two clubs, and my ex is
feeding them here.
And the crafty old bugger's
done a deal on the tickets?
Brought his friend over
and stuck to about 1,800 dollars.
-Of your money!
-Our money.
MOONEY: He's a sly old bludger.
You wanna watch it.
Anyway, this house deal,
it's your sister's, innit?
Yeah, she's me sister,
but we're not close.
I mean, I haven't seen her
for over 30 years.
You could've knocked me down
with a feather when I heard from her.
Listen, I don't mind telling you,
I nearly threw the letter away.
I don't want to hear about relations,
all their bloody problems, do I?
Then I see this bit about the house.
There they are. Her and this
decrepit old sod she wants to marry
in a property worth £120,000 sterling,
which they can buy for £20,000.
-So we advance them the money?
-Well, we give them a mortgage.
It's a good investment, right?
I mean, neither of them
have got very long to live.
I'll make him sign some papers.
You know,
normal securities governing the loan.
Plus some special small print
favouring yours truly
as a dear, devoted brother
sort of thing,
which they won't want to read,
'cause I'm a close relation
who can be trusted.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Then we sit back and
look forward to a double funeral, eh?
Another thing, he's got a blackie
living there with him there now.
-MOONEY: How do we get him out?
-We don't.
We put more in.
Fill the house with blackies.
Make it look like we're nice people.
Lower the land values
of all the houses on the street,
then buy them up even cheaper.
Drive the whites out.
MOONEY: Then bye-bye, blackbird!
One little snag. Some of these old folks
live to ripe old ages.
-Yeah.
-Well, just have to sit it out.
Let's hope God's good
and takes them early.
-Ricky, this bloody beer's hot.
-Jeez, I forgot, I got some out here.
Over here, in the fridge.
Bloody deceit!
This house is full of deceit!
Yeah, you're right.
A, you know that economy ticket,
what you said you got cheap
from that bucket shop?
The one I paid you £200 for? Cash?
Yeah, well...
I ain't finished totting up yet, Arthur.
Here.
You don't think that I would...
My friend?
I feel dizzy.
I feel like... I feel like
I'm being sucked in. I can't look.
That Ricky's a crook, right?
-Bent as a three-pound note, right?
-Well, you try telling her that.
She won't believe what we heard.
She thinks I'm making it up.
Never mind her.
You've got to think about yourself.
You're right, Arthur.
I'm too soft with her.
Take his money, him and that Mooney,
take their money.
Don't sign nothing over here.
Do it with an English lawyer.
Don't mess about
with these crooks over here.
Yeah. Criminal blood, it runs
right through them out here, don't it?
Buy the house with their money,
sell it to the insurance company.
They'll give you a large lump sum that
you live in the house until your demise,
then they take back the house.
You ask Johnson, he knows all about it.
What, and let them two...
Them two clowns, Mooney and Ricky,
let them whistle
for the bloody money, eh?
I don't think they're likely
to let you get away with that.
-What, them two?
-The powers that be, see.
It's not strictly legal, Alf.
Yeah, but what they're trying to do
to me ain't strictly legal neither.
Well, yes, A, it is. See, that's why
you have the small print.
To make it strictly legal.
They print it so small as possible so
that the human eye can hardly read it.
So what do you mean, I'd have
to give them the £20,000 quid back?
Not right away. Be as fly to them.
See, put it in the bank,
collect the interest.
You're going to be in England,
they're over here.
They'll be looking for a lawyer,
you'll get legal aid.
Old age pensioner.
Can't read or write. Ignorant.
Don't understand finances.
It could be years before it's settled.
You could be ill, lose your memory,
don't know where the bank is.
Make out you're senile even.
And with a bit of luck,
you could die before it's settled.
I hope so.
Oh, no.
Dear Lord, no! First time's
I ever get me hands on some money
and I'm going to die
before I have a chance to spend it!
It's not bloody fair. You ought
to be allowed to take it with you!
What do you think of Australia?
what you've seen of it so far.
Well, I mean, for convicts,
you've done pretty well, right, Arthur?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, they've done better than
that lot up Wormwood Scrubs, eh?
You wouldn't go to Wormwood Scrubs
for a holiday or get married, would yer?
No, it was hard
when they first came here.
Had to be, Arthur, had to be.
They was dangerous criminals.
You can see what a good, short
sharp shock does for them, eh?
We're not all descended from criminals,
you know.
Course not. There was all
the screws and their families.
No, I mean, credit where it's due,
this is the best open prison
I've ever seen.
So you're Ricky's sister.
Glad to meet you.
And you're from England.
Do you have to go back there?
I suppose you do.
Our government's getting very fussy
who they let in these days.
Well, I mean to say,
your age would go against you, too,
if nothing else did.
Can't you claim asylum?
It must be awful living in England
with all those royals
stealing all your money.
But they're your royal family, too.
Just as long as we don't have
to pay anything towards their keep.
We've got our own corruption out here,
thank you.
Mind you, it is honest corruption.
None of your bloody English hypocrisy,
you know.
Yes, yes, we're getting very fussy
who we let into Australia these days.
We are no longer the refuge
for the rest of the world's failures.
No more whinging poms, I should say not.
I've only come here to get married.
Oh!
That'll do the trick. You marry an
Aussie and they'll have to let you stay.
I'm marrying an Englishman.
Oh.
Really?
Which one is he?
# I'm forever blowing bubbles #
Him.
Eeny, meeny, miny, mo...
Only joking. I mean, don't be upset.
Ah, you poor dear.
Enjoying yourself, Alf?
You've met my
business acquaintance, Mooney?
He's coming in with me
to help you buy a house.
Is he?
There you go.
Only too pleased to help you out.
I'll bet you are.
We're gonna form a little consortium.
Just the two of us.
Well then, I shall have to watch
the small print then, shan't I?
Don't let on, Alf, all right?
Small print, small print. You're not
going to worry about small print.
Leave all the paperwork to me.
Look, I know business.
-Do I know business?
-Does he know business?
You just enjoy your house.
You be a proud property owner, eh?
My brother-in-law!
This is my brother-in-law!
Charge your glasses
and drink to my brother-in-law!
Alf Garnett, a wonderful human being.
And my sister, eh?
The little girl he's going to marry.
-MOONEY: Happy couple.
-A wonderful couple, aren't they, eh?
Go on now,
all dance and enjoy yourselves!
Dotty, stick the music on!
(IRISH MUSIC PLAYING)
ALF: They're all bloody micks here.
There's probably a nest
of IRA fundraisers.
Better shop the bloody
lot of them, mate.
Yeah. Get the money out of them first.
Muck in with them
until you get the mortgage.
I'll tell you one thing
about your micks, Arthur.
They know how to drink.
Oh, yes.
Fair dues, you gotta give them that.
Right.
Aye, aye.
Ace, king, queen, jack. I'm walking.
This is him, monsignor.
So you're the lucky man
who's going to marry this lovely woman.
-It's a mixed marriage, so I hear.
-Normal mixture. Man and woman.
-You're not a Catholic.
-No, I'm not, I'm English.
Yes, I know.
And so is Mrs Hollingbery.
And she's a good Catholic.
And the Church is not pleased
when a good Catholic
contracts a marriage outside.
We wasn't thinking
of getting married outside,
Monsignor.
I think we'd better have a talk,
my dear.
No, listen, that's what I'm trying
to explain to you, you see,
this is ours, we own Australia.
(CHEERING)
England!
Captain Cook, he was English,
an Englishman.
And he went out, he found it,
he got a blooming great flag
and he stuck it in there...
(CHEERING)
"England," he said.
Another possession
for Her Majesty the Queen to own.
-King George III.
-No, Majesty Queen Elizabeth I.
It was her what got the empire.
Her and Dr a key, I mean, he helped.
No, it was King George III,
he sent Cook out there.
He'd been here before Cook
when he first found it,
but when he got back, George, that's
King George, said to him, he said,
"What's that Australia like?"
And Captain Cook said,
"Well, it's nothing much.
"I've shoved a flag up there," he said,
"but I don't think
it's worth another trip."
-But, I mean, we found it first.
-Oh yeah.
We did, didn't we? Mind you,
you had our permission to live here.
All you lot.
Yeah, you was our colonials, see?
No, no, no, we give them home rule.
-Did we?
-Yeah. Yeah, you see,
King George didn't sent Captain Cook
back out here again
because he wanted it as a proper colony.
See, he agreed with Cook when Cook said
it was the bum hole of the world.
What he wanted, see,
is what he told Cook.
Somewhere to dump all his rubbish.
-A tip?
-Yes, all right, a tip, yes.
A sort of rubbish tip?
ARTHUR: A tip for the rest
of the empire.
-Now, mother.
-Let her.
I see, but, what I said before,
I mean, it's ours?
-Yeah.
-What about Ireland?
-What about Ireland?
-That was ours.
That belonged to the Irish.
We found that.
If you read your history books, son,
you might learn something.
Sit down and shut up!
Ireland... Ireland was ours, too.
We found it. It was given...
It was given to...
Was it Earl of Essex,
by Queen Elizabeth I.
Of course it was.
-That was Elizabeth.
-Yes, that was Elizabeth, yes.
I mean, she gave it to him as a present,
not that he bloody wanted it.
He got home, he said to his wife,
the Countess of Essex, he said,
"The Queen has given me Ireland."
She said,
"I thought she's supposed to like you."
"Can't you swap it in
for something else?"
Bloody micks, I mean,
they're not proper English.
It's the same with your taffies
and your jocks.
None of them are proper English.
They're just the wreckage
of the Spanish and French armadas
what swam ashore after Drake and Nelson
had sunk the buggers.
You crappy old pom!
I'll bloody do you!
If you wasn't my brother-in-law...
-Well, I ain't, am I?
-Alf, Alfl The money, the money...
-Our investment, Ricky. Our investment!
-Eh? Oh, yeah, right.
You're a card, Alf! You are.
He's a card, isn't he. Alf?
Now come on, Alfie.
Come and have a drink.
This is your party.
It's in your hon our, Alf.
# When Irish eyes are smiling
# All the world seems bright #
Hey, hey! Monsignor!
You in the bleeding frock. We don't want
none of that bloody Irish rubbish here.
Let's have a good old English song.
# Rule Britannia
Britannia rules the way #
# Shoot me like an Irish soldier
Do not hang me like a dog #
# Land of hope and glory #
# On the scaffold high
Or the battlefield we die...
# God save our gracious Queen #
(ALL CLAMOURING)
(GLASS CRASHING)
-Bloody hell.
-Well, Arthur,
it's your bloody micks!
Wherever they go in the world,
they cause trouble, Arthur.
ALF: # There'll be bluebirds over
# The white cliffs of Dover #
Blimey. It's good to be home again.
Safe in England.
(GROANS)
That's it.
Nothing like your own bed, is there?
Oh dear.
(EXCLAIMING)
Shark! Shark!
You bloody, silly cow.
You could've given me
a heart attack with that.
# I'm damn near shot of that lot
down the DHSS
# I've told them all down there
what they can do
# Now I don't give a monkey's
'cause I'm off to have a rest
# Down Under in the sun,
50 nuts to you
# 'Cause it won't be very long
before I'm on that plane
# Off to Aussie
where they got a bob or two
# For richer not poorer
'cause I'm fed up being skint
# That's why in sickness and in health
I'll say I'll do
# Once more in sickness and in health
I'll say I do #
they've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved
me pension for a start
# But it won't be very long
before I'm on that plane
# Off to Aussie
where they got a bob or two
# For richer, not poorer
'cause I'm fed up being skint
# That's why in sickness and in health
I'll say I do
# Once more in sickness and in health
I'll say I do #
ALF: Daft, innit?
Come all this way to Australia
just to drive through a bleeding jungle.
RICKY: Right-o, A, if you want to pee.
Gotta be careful around here.
This is crocodile country we're in now.
Come on, Ricky.
There are no crocodiles in these parts.
They've been seen.
Still, a few crocs
wouldn't bother old Alf. Eh, AILf?
A tough old Brit like him?
We're safe enough here.
I mean, sitting in this truck, like?
Too right.
I mean, if it's dangerous,
we shouldn't be here, should we?
What are you, scared, Alf?
No, no, I... I wasn't thinking
of me self, I mean...
We got the women here, see...
Listen, you don't worry about
a few crocs, Alf. They're all right.
He's a good old boy.
Why do they say don't go near them then?
Keep away from them?
Well, it's not because
he doesn't like us, Alf.
He likes us.
He likes us the way we like steak.
-It's sharks he's frightened of.
-Shut up!
Well, the shark's like the croc,
isn't it?
He likes us like we like fish and chips.
-Look, I'm busting.
-Over there. Listen...
Give you a little tip, Alf.
If you've never been near a croc before,
watch your legs.
(EXCLAIMS)
-You're frightening Mr Garnett.
-No...
Frighten an old warrior like him?
Get out of it!
-I'm not frightened.
-There's nothing to be frightened of.
-She's never been croc hunting.
-Neither have you.
You don't know everything I do.
Now I can arrange
a day's hunting for you, Alf.
You'd like that, wouldn't you?
Yeah... Yeah, I would like it,
but I don't think I'll have time,
you know,
what with the wedding arrangements.
-I mean, I've got to think of her.
-Listen, it'll only be for a day.
Hey, I'd take you, Arthur,
only you don't want a crowd.
You see, the croc will not come out
when there's a crowd.
He gets confused.
Yeah, well, see, I've got
this chest of mine anyway, and...
(COUGHING)
With the heat out here,
it could do for me.
That's not gonna bother Alf.
No, I've got my leg.
You know that, Arthur.
-That's right.
-That leg of mine.
Listen, we're not going
to walk there, Alf.
No, but I wouldn't want
to let you down with it.
RICKY: Let me down?
You've got to be joking.
Don't be ridiculous!
Come on, Alf. Be fair.
That's blowing back in!
RICKY: It's down to the left, is it?
You can't...
Don't understand English, you see?
Hello! Hello. john-john.
You black man, me white man!
Understandee?
Me have black man home, cross big water!
He do my shopping. He make my tea.
"T." Understandee?
He very good boy!
Me from England.
Home of great white queen.
You see her on the telly.
She come from sky
in big white bird.
Look, me come here, hunt crocodile.
(IMITATING SHOOTING)
Croc-o-dile. Understand?
For handbag for my missus.
She my woman.
You have woman?
Bugger off, you old fool.
We've got work to do. Get it?
Understandee?
MRS HOLLINGBERY: Understandee! Skinhead!
(MRS HOLLINGBERY LAUGHING)
(SHUSHING)
I'll go behind the bush.
When I poke me head out, you call him.
Don't give him a heart attack.
-It's all right. It's only papier maché.
-No, Ricky, don't.
-It's only a joke.
-It could frighten him.
It could give him a heart attack,
it really could. He's an old man.
Oh, do it! It'll be good for a laugh,
it's all right.
Just a laugh, that's all.
Gotta have a laugh now and again.
Yeah.
MRS HOLLINGBERY: (SCREAMING) Crocodile!
Stop it!
ALF: How was I to know?
It's not my fault, is it?
Someone yelled, "Crocodile."
I had to act fast.
I didn't know it was him.
They move fast, them buggers.
Said so himself,
like greased lightning, they are.
He said so.
There's women and children.
That's all I had time to think.
People are in danger.
That's all I had in my mind.
-Oh, you moved fast, Alf.
-Had to, Arthur.
Had to take the bugger out quick.
Only had a piece of wood.
(GROANING)
I had no time to think, Arthur.
Well, you don't, do you?
Not in a situation like that.
I didn't know it was him fooling about.
Very silly thing to do, if you ask me.
Ought to know better.
No, I heard Arthur yell out,
Mrs Hollingbery scream,
I saw the crocodile and bang!
I was at him.
Just a piece of wood, Arthur.
That's all I had. Small piece of wood.
I mean, people hunt them things,
don't they? With guns.
-It wasn't a real crocodile.
-Yeah, but I didn't know that, did I?
It was only poor Ricky.
Well, now, fair dues,
he didn't know it was Ricky.
-He thought it was a crocodile.
-Right.
I felt proud.
I must say that I felt proud of him.
Yeah, well...
Gotta have a laugh, eh, Arthur?
You what?
Don't you start with me.
Don't you start with me, missus.
Mooney? Ricky.
That house deal I've been
telling you about, my sister's house.
It's 20 grand, it'll give us the deal.
Listen, it's worth £120,000.
It's a gift any way you look at it.
It's a neat deal.
It's 100 grand profit cut two ways.
You want in for £10,000?
(LAUGHING)
Well, you know me. Am I simple?
Yeah, of course there'll be clauses.
Yeah, all our way.
Listen, they're old people,
they won't last long. A few years.
Hang on.
Hello? Listen, of course I can swing it.
She's me sister, she trusts me.
Listen, I can't talk now. Come over, eh?
It's London property.
Yeah. It's climbing all the time.
Yeah, look at the prices.
It's offshore, yeah. Look, come over.
Right.
Cigar?
-Oh, thank you.
-RICKY: Not at all.
You got a light?
Nice house, innit?
-Not bad.
-Food's good, too.
Not bad.
For nothing.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Happy?
-What?
-Have a nice trip over?
On the plane, was it comfortable?
I sent two good tickets.
Two good seats.
It's a long way.
You gotta be comfortable, your age, eh?
Well, in club class,
you got all that leg room, haven't you?
We wasn't in club class.
We were in economy.
Bloody cramped it was, too.
I know you wasn't in bloody club class.
-I caught you, haven't I?
-You've been going through my luggage.
-You've been through my belongings!
-Don't come the old innocent.
You've been through my case!
I sent two clubs over
and you traded them in for economies
and you stuck to the rest!
You've been through
my personal belongings.
Don't come the old injured party
with me, sunshine. I have caught you.
No, no, you're the one
who's been caught, you've been... Yes!
You've been down my belongings.
Arthur, you're a witness.
He's been poking about
in my personal private belongings.
-There's laws against that...
-In my house, in my house!
Searching for things in my own house!
Anybody's house,
that's private property...
That case is my personal
private property.
-What's going on in here?
-I just caught a thief.
Fraud, fraud, he's had me over.
-He's been in my room.
-My room!
-What have you been doing?
-What have I been doing?
Ask him. Ask him what he's been doing!
He's been down my bag.
He's broken into my case!
I'm the injured party!
Don't let him become the old innocent!
That case was locked and hidden.
I'd hid it.
-You hid your case? In my house?
-Well, I'm sharing a room, ain't I?
God.
No.
Arthur, nothing against you,
but I mean, better safe than sorry.
Look, you can't blame me.
He's been into it.
He's found it poking about in there.
I mean, trying to find people's personal
belongings and breaking into them?
I was having a look, just having a look!
It's my house!
Just having a look! That case
was under the bleeding floorboards!
Under the... Under the floorboards?
I can look under floorboards
in me own house!
-Sod off!
-Two club tickets I bought, eh?
These are economies, bloody economies.
He's had me over.
That's how he brought his friend over.
Who invited him? I didn't.
I've had to put him up.
I've had to feed him.
He's another mouth.
-I'm sorry...
-I'm not blaming you, it's him!
Sticking me with strangers.
Filling my house with strangers!
-He's not a stranger. He's my friend.
-How do I know who he is?
I don't even know who you are!
I open my house to strangers,
I act the genial host
and he sticks me with strangers.
How do I know who these people are?
-No of fence.
-I said I was sorry.
-I'm not blaming you.
-well, I'll go.
-Well, I'd sooner he went.
-He's here to marry your sister.
Right, then get a priest,
get them married, then out,
back to where they bloody came from!
(CRYING)
-Now look what you've done.
-Not her, I didn't mean her.
-I'm sorry about this.
-Not him! I didn't mean him!
What's she crying for?
She's got nothing to cry about
I've been good to her.
I brought her over here.
-I've offered to buy their house.
-Buy my house?
-Lend you the money.
-Did you say, "Buy my house"?
Lend you the money for it.
Listen, why are we arguing, eh?
we're all family, for Christ's sake, eh?
Come on. Let's have a drink.
What's a misunderstanding, eh?
We are family, we are all family.
It's no time for long faces, eh?
We are going to have a wedding, eh?
Brother-in-law.
(CONTINUES CRYING)
Shut up!
Johnnie Walker Black Label!
-Yeah.
-He's got stacks of it down there.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
-Good health, Arthur.
-Good health.
(GASPING)
-Does he know you're drinking it?
-No.
And with any luck,
we'll be home before he finds out.
Right.
I think we'll have a fresh one
tomorrow, eh?
Look out, someone's coming!
-Wait a minute, let me go over it again.
-RICKY: Yeah.
What's the outlay so far?
Two air fares from London?
Two clubs, and my ex is
feeding them here.
And the crafty old bugger's
done a deal on the tickets?
Brought his friend over
and stuck to about 1,800 dollars.
-Of your money!
-Our money.
MOONEY: He's a sly old bludger.
You wanna watch it.
Anyway, this house deal,
it's your sister's, innit?
Yeah, she's me sister,
but we're not close.
I mean, I haven't seen her
for over 30 years.
You could've knocked me down
with a feather when I heard from her.
Listen, I don't mind telling you,
I nearly threw the letter away.
I don't want to hear about relations,
all their bloody problems, do I?
Then I see this bit about the house.
There they are. Her and this
decrepit old sod she wants to marry
in a property worth £120,000 sterling,
which they can buy for £20,000.
-So we advance them the money?
-Well, we give them a mortgage.
It's a good investment, right?
I mean, neither of them
have got very long to live.
I'll make him sign some papers.
You know,
normal securities governing the loan.
Plus some special small print
favouring yours truly
as a dear, devoted brother
sort of thing,
which they won't want to read,
'cause I'm a close relation
who can be trusted.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Then we sit back and
look forward to a double funeral, eh?
Another thing, he's got a blackie
living there with him there now.
-MOONEY: How do we get him out?
-We don't.
We put more in.
Fill the house with blackies.
Make it look like we're nice people.
Lower the land values
of all the houses on the street,
then buy them up even cheaper.
Drive the whites out.
MOONEY: Then bye-bye, blackbird!
One little snag. Some of these old folks
live to ripe old ages.
-Yeah.
-Well, just have to sit it out.
Let's hope God's good
and takes them early.
-Ricky, this bloody beer's hot.
-Jeez, I forgot, I got some out here.
Over here, in the fridge.
Bloody deceit!
This house is full of deceit!
Yeah, you're right.
A, you know that economy ticket,
what you said you got cheap
from that bucket shop?
The one I paid you £200 for? Cash?
Yeah, well...
I ain't finished totting up yet, Arthur.
Here.
You don't think that I would...
My friend?
I feel dizzy.
I feel like... I feel like
I'm being sucked in. I can't look.
That Ricky's a crook, right?
-Bent as a three-pound note, right?
-Well, you try telling her that.
She won't believe what we heard.
She thinks I'm making it up.
Never mind her.
You've got to think about yourself.
You're right, Arthur.
I'm too soft with her.
Take his money, him and that Mooney,
take their money.
Don't sign nothing over here.
Do it with an English lawyer.
Don't mess about
with these crooks over here.
Yeah. Criminal blood, it runs
right through them out here, don't it?
Buy the house with their money,
sell it to the insurance company.
They'll give you a large lump sum that
you live in the house until your demise,
then they take back the house.
You ask Johnson, he knows all about it.
What, and let them two...
Them two clowns, Mooney and Ricky,
let them whistle
for the bloody money, eh?
I don't think they're likely
to let you get away with that.
-What, them two?
-The powers that be, see.
It's not strictly legal, Alf.
Yeah, but what they're trying to do
to me ain't strictly legal neither.
Well, yes, A, it is. See, that's why
you have the small print.
To make it strictly legal.
They print it so small as possible so
that the human eye can hardly read it.
So what do you mean, I'd have
to give them the £20,000 quid back?
Not right away. Be as fly to them.
See, put it in the bank,
collect the interest.
You're going to be in England,
they're over here.
They'll be looking for a lawyer,
you'll get legal aid.
Old age pensioner.
Can't read or write. Ignorant.
Don't understand finances.
It could be years before it's settled.
You could be ill, lose your memory,
don't know where the bank is.
Make out you're senile even.
And with a bit of luck,
you could die before it's settled.
I hope so.
Oh, no.
Dear Lord, no! First time's
I ever get me hands on some money
and I'm going to die
before I have a chance to spend it!
It's not bloody fair. You ought
to be allowed to take it with you!
What do you think of Australia?
what you've seen of it so far.
Well, I mean, for convicts,
you've done pretty well, right, Arthur?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, they've done better than
that lot up Wormwood Scrubs, eh?
You wouldn't go to Wormwood Scrubs
for a holiday or get married, would yer?
No, it was hard
when they first came here.
Had to be, Arthur, had to be.
They was dangerous criminals.
You can see what a good, short
sharp shock does for them, eh?
We're not all descended from criminals,
you know.
Course not. There was all
the screws and their families.
No, I mean, credit where it's due,
this is the best open prison
I've ever seen.
So you're Ricky's sister.
Glad to meet you.
And you're from England.
Do you have to go back there?
I suppose you do.
Our government's getting very fussy
who they let in these days.
Well, I mean to say,
your age would go against you, too,
if nothing else did.
Can't you claim asylum?
It must be awful living in England
with all those royals
stealing all your money.
But they're your royal family, too.
Just as long as we don't have
to pay anything towards their keep.
We've got our own corruption out here,
thank you.
Mind you, it is honest corruption.
None of your bloody English hypocrisy,
you know.
Yes, yes, we're getting very fussy
who we let into Australia these days.
We are no longer the refuge
for the rest of the world's failures.
No more whinging poms, I should say not.
I've only come here to get married.
Oh!
That'll do the trick. You marry an
Aussie and they'll have to let you stay.
I'm marrying an Englishman.
Oh.
Really?
Which one is he?
# I'm forever blowing bubbles #
Him.
Eeny, meeny, miny, mo...
Only joking. I mean, don't be upset.
Ah, you poor dear.
Enjoying yourself, Alf?
You've met my
business acquaintance, Mooney?
He's coming in with me
to help you buy a house.
Is he?
There you go.
Only too pleased to help you out.
I'll bet you are.
We're gonna form a little consortium.
Just the two of us.
Well then, I shall have to watch
the small print then, shan't I?
Don't let on, Alf, all right?
Small print, small print. You're not
going to worry about small print.
Leave all the paperwork to me.
Look, I know business.
-Do I know business?
-Does he know business?
You just enjoy your house.
You be a proud property owner, eh?
My brother-in-law!
This is my brother-in-law!
Charge your glasses
and drink to my brother-in-law!
Alf Garnett, a wonderful human being.
And my sister, eh?
The little girl he's going to marry.
-MOONEY: Happy couple.
-A wonderful couple, aren't they, eh?
Go on now,
all dance and enjoy yourselves!
Dotty, stick the music on!
(IRISH MUSIC PLAYING)
ALF: They're all bloody micks here.
There's probably a nest
of IRA fundraisers.
Better shop the bloody
lot of them, mate.
Yeah. Get the money out of them first.
Muck in with them
until you get the mortgage.
I'll tell you one thing
about your micks, Arthur.
They know how to drink.
Oh, yes.
Fair dues, you gotta give them that.
Right.
Aye, aye.
Ace, king, queen, jack. I'm walking.
This is him, monsignor.
So you're the lucky man
who's going to marry this lovely woman.
-It's a mixed marriage, so I hear.
-Normal mixture. Man and woman.
-You're not a Catholic.
-No, I'm not, I'm English.
Yes, I know.
And so is Mrs Hollingbery.
And she's a good Catholic.
And the Church is not pleased
when a good Catholic
contracts a marriage outside.
We wasn't thinking
of getting married outside,
Monsignor.
I think we'd better have a talk,
my dear.
No, listen, that's what I'm trying
to explain to you, you see,
this is ours, we own Australia.
(CHEERING)
England!
Captain Cook, he was English,
an Englishman.
And he went out, he found it,
he got a blooming great flag
and he stuck it in there...
(CHEERING)
"England," he said.
Another possession
for Her Majesty the Queen to own.
-King George III.
-No, Majesty Queen Elizabeth I.
It was her what got the empire.
Her and Dr a key, I mean, he helped.
No, it was King George III,
he sent Cook out there.
He'd been here before Cook
when he first found it,
but when he got back, George, that's
King George, said to him, he said,
"What's that Australia like?"
And Captain Cook said,
"Well, it's nothing much.
"I've shoved a flag up there," he said,
"but I don't think
it's worth another trip."
-But, I mean, we found it first.
-Oh yeah.
We did, didn't we? Mind you,
you had our permission to live here.
All you lot.
Yeah, you was our colonials, see?
No, no, no, we give them home rule.
-Did we?
-Yeah. Yeah, you see,
King George didn't sent Captain Cook
back out here again
because he wanted it as a proper colony.
See, he agreed with Cook when Cook said
it was the bum hole of the world.
What he wanted, see,
is what he told Cook.
Somewhere to dump all his rubbish.
-A tip?
-Yes, all right, a tip, yes.
A sort of rubbish tip?
ARTHUR: A tip for the rest
of the empire.
-Now, mother.
-Let her.
I see, but, what I said before,
I mean, it's ours?
-Yeah.
-What about Ireland?
-What about Ireland?
-That was ours.
That belonged to the Irish.
We found that.
If you read your history books, son,
you might learn something.
Sit down and shut up!
Ireland... Ireland was ours, too.
We found it. It was given...
It was given to...
Was it Earl of Essex,
by Queen Elizabeth I.
Of course it was.
-That was Elizabeth.
-Yes, that was Elizabeth, yes.
I mean, she gave it to him as a present,
not that he bloody wanted it.
He got home, he said to his wife,
the Countess of Essex, he said,
"The Queen has given me Ireland."
She said,
"I thought she's supposed to like you."
"Can't you swap it in
for something else?"
Bloody micks, I mean,
they're not proper English.
It's the same with your taffies
and your jocks.
None of them are proper English.
They're just the wreckage
of the Spanish and French armadas
what swam ashore after Drake and Nelson
had sunk the buggers.
You crappy old pom!
I'll bloody do you!
If you wasn't my brother-in-law...
-Well, I ain't, am I?
-Alf, Alfl The money, the money...
-Our investment, Ricky. Our investment!
-Eh? Oh, yeah, right.
You're a card, Alf! You are.
He's a card, isn't he. Alf?
Now come on, Alfie.
Come and have a drink.
This is your party.
It's in your hon our, Alf.
# When Irish eyes are smiling
# All the world seems bright #
Hey, hey! Monsignor!
You in the bleeding frock. We don't want
none of that bloody Irish rubbish here.
Let's have a good old English song.
# Rule Britannia
Britannia rules the way #
# Shoot me like an Irish soldier
Do not hang me like a dog #
# Land of hope and glory #
# On the scaffold high
Or the battlefield we die...
# God save our gracious Queen #
(ALL CLAMOURING)
(GLASS CRASHING)
-Bloody hell.
-Well, Arthur,
it's your bloody micks!
Wherever they go in the world,
they cause trouble, Arthur.
ALF: # There'll be bluebirds over
# The white cliffs of Dover #
Blimey. It's good to be home again.
Safe in England.
(GROANS)
That's it.
Nothing like your own bed, is there?
Oh dear.
(EXCLAIMING)
Shark! Shark!
You bloody, silly cow.
You could've given me
a heart attack with that.
# I'm damn near shot of that lot
down the DHSS
# I've told them all down there
what they can do
# Now I don't give a monkey's
'cause I'm off to have a rest
# Down Under in the sun,
50 nuts to you
# 'Cause it won't be very long
before I'm on that plane
# Off to Aussie
where they got a bob or two
# For richer not poorer
'cause I'm fed up being skint
# That's why in sickness and in health
I'll say I'll do
# Once more in sickness and in health
I'll say I do #