In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 5, Episode 3 - In Sickness and in Health - full transcript
Complaining that Alf is a shabby dresser,Mrs Hollingbery also wants him to take out life insurance in case he goes first. In the pub a discussion on health does anything but allay Mr Carey's fears about getting a hip replacement in view of Alf's horror stories about hospital. Another row between the Johnsons prompts Alf to surmise that Fred is a poisoner,leading to Mrs Hollingbery getting her own back by pretending to poison Alf.
(# CHAS & DAVE:
In Sickness And In Health)
# Now, my old darlin'
They've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# Cos I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do
- # For richer or poorer... #
- I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact.
# ..That's cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do".. #
(# Bridal March)
# ...In sickness and in health
I said, "Ida". #
Where are you going?
- I thought I'd come in with you.
-I don't need you up there.
- They might want a reference!
-So?
Well, I can give 'em one.
They don't want to know
what you think of me, my dear -
they want to know what my last employer
thought of me.
Your last employer?
They'd need someone like Doris Stokes
to contact him.
All right, funny cuts. You get on
with what you've got to do here.
I don't need you up the Job Centre.
I can get my own jobs, thank you.
All right. But you know
what they're going to say, don't you?
No, I don't know! But they're not going
to ask me where you are, are they?
You're too old -
that's what they're going to say.
It's not going to make me look any younger
if you come up there with me, is it?
No, but if you want to lie about your age,
I can be a witness.
A witness to what?
That you're telling the truth.
I see. And they're going to believe you,
are they?
It'd make it a lot easier if you had hair!
What difference would it make
if I had hair?
Anyway, if I had hair, it'd all be grey
and falling out by now, like Arthur's is.
Arthur's hair's not falling out.
Well, he ain't had the responsibilities
I've had.
Anyway, for all his hair, Arthur
don't look no younger than me, do he?
Well?
I don't want an argument.
Anyway, it's not him going for a job,
is it?
Look, baldness, my dear,
is a sign of virility.
That is a well-known scientific fact.
Well, I don't know about that.
It might be a scientific fact,
but you was married years
and you only had the one child.
And apart from that,
I haven't seen any evidence...
I am talking about cereba-bal virility,
cereba-bal vigour!
Not physical - mental! Mental!
Well, all the sex symbols seem
to have hair.
I'm talking about the brainpower
of the human head.
Nearly all your best brains -
all your scientists,
all your leaders of industry,
all the top politicians, they're all bald,
- every one of them!
- Margaret Thatcher's not bald.
Winston Churchill was.
The greatest man the world has ever seen.
Our greatest leader, he was!
And he was bald.
Very early bald, he went.
- Michael Heseltine's not bald.
- lain Macleod was bald!
- Nigel Lawson's not bald!
- Sir Alec Douglas-Home was bald!
- Douglas Hurd's not bald.
- Well...Rab Butler was bald!
Sir Geoffrey Howe's not bald. In fact,
none of the government are bald.
Well, perhaps it was a better government
when they was bald!
In fact, the only politician
stands out bald is Kinnock,
and I've never heard you refer
to his great brainpower.
I am not talking about the Labour lot,
my dear.
They're like gorillas, they are,
most of them.
Perhaps old Kinnock shaved his nut
to make it look like he had got a brain!
I am talking, my dear,
about the better class of person -
they don't go in for hair!
None of your royals have got hair.
Look at 'em.
Your Philip, your Charles, even young
Edward. Very, very early bald, he went.
Blimey! If hair was so important,
don't you think your royals would have it?
The Queen's not bald.
All right, all right.
It don't suit women, I grant you that.
What I'm talking about is this.
When we was all monkeys...
Some of us still are.
When we was all monkeys, we had lots of
hair, didn't we? All over us it was, see.
But as we grew bigger and bigger brains,
so we grew lesser and lesser hair.
Grass don't grow on a busy street,
does it?
- We don't want to go back to them days.
- What days?
When we was monkeys and had hair
all over us and tails and things!
No, I don't want to go back to them days,
not when we had tails and things
and hair all over us.
There you are, then.
But I think it's nice
to have a bit on your head, though.
Look!
- Pull this scarf round your neck.
- It's not cold out!
No, I'm trying to cover the wrinkles
in your neck.
- Get off!
- Come here, come here.
Keep your hat on all the time.
I wasn't going to take it off,
not for them!
It's a pity
it's not a younger-looking hat.
What would you like me to wear, my dear,
a school cap?
- How long have you had that thing?
- It's none of your business!
You should try
and make more out of yourself.
- Stand up straight!
- Ow! Strewth!
You slouch! Straighten your back!
What are you doing?
- Trying to darken it.
- Get off!
- Get some of the grey out of it.
- Get off!
If they don't like me as I am, if I'm
not good enough for them as I am...
- What's that?
- What?
- There.
- Get...!
Get off of me!
Too old?!
If Churchill was alive still,
he'd be too old, I suppose!
Ruled from the bloody cradle, we are
these days! Bloody kids with beards!
I've worked hard all my life! And when I
worked, "Made in Britain" meant something.
Now nobody wants to buy British,
not even us!
Your car? There's nothing British to buy.
It's all Japanese
or anything else foreign.
In debt to the bloody world,
we are now!
We'll all be evicted out of England soon,
that's what'll happen.
You see!
Evicted out of our own bleedin' country,
that's what we'll be.
We ruled the world once,
and now the world rules us.
If I got a job,
I'd be working for a bloody )ap.
Japanese bailiffs will sling us
out of here soon!
Bloody politicians - they might have hair,
they've got no bloody sense!
"Ooh, yes, we'll take you into Europe™!
As slaves!
Slaves to a foreign wage packet.
Join 'em? We ought to make 'em join us!
We ought to take 'em over!
We won't be allowed
to speak our own language soon.
English will be banned!
All the bloody same!
And our money. What little we've got
of it will be German Deutschmarks
and Japanese yens.
Whose face will be on it? Not Her Majesty
the Queen, God bless her, no.
Not good enough for 'em.
We should never have joined up
with all 'em wogs in the Common Market,
not until they agreed to make the Queen
Empress of Europe!
You can stuff your job
right up your jacksy
as far as it will bleedin' well go!
You was too old, wasn't you?
I told you what they'd say - too old.
Look, you say that to me once more
and you won't live to be
anywhere near as old as what I am!
(TYRES SQUEAL)
Bloody fool!
I could've been killed!
Bloody idiot! Get out of it!
Oh, dear,
and I haven't got you insured.
Come on. See what you made me do?
- Thanks for coming.
- My pleasure.
- Well, goodbye, Mrs Hollingbery.
- Goodbye.
Cheerio!
- Who was that?
- None of your business!
Letting strange men into my house?
That ls my business!
It's my house, too.
Letting strange men wander about
the house, that's how burglars get in.
- Burglars?
- It's how they find out what you've got!
Knock on the front door, make out
they're from the Gas or the Electric,
and daft women like you let them in.
Don't you read the papers, my dear?
It's full of it.
“"Woman alone in house
attacked by rapists!"
Rapist?! He's my insurance man!
Rapists have jobs, you know,
they're not all unemployed!
If you must know,
he would like you to be examined.
Examined?
Examined? What for? Mumps, AIDS,
driving test? What do you mean, examined?
- I've been advised to get you insured.
- Do what?
I've got to think about my future.
Never mind about your...
what about my future?
It won't affect you.
You'll be all right - you'll be gone.
I mean, I'll be the one left here with
all the worries and the funeral expenses.
What you don't understand is
that the longer you go on,
the more it's going to cost me.
Oh, I see what you're after.
You're after the profit, ain't you?
Not content with what you got out of your
last husband. Greed, that's what it is!
- I was thinking of you.
- Me? Me?!
Well, you want a nice funeral, don't you?
A decent send-off.
At least a bit better than your wife had,
poor woman, God rest her soul.
She'd have been better off
if the Council had buried her!
Well, the Council's going to bury you,
don't you worry!
- Yeah? And I'll dance on your grave!
- Shut up!
I brought these over to show you,
Arthur.
- What's that?
- My X-rays.
- X-rays?
- Yeah. My new hip, innit?
- I ain't seen these before.
- No, well, I don't show them around.
Mrs Hollingbery says I ought
to show them more, let people know
- what I've been through.
- Right.
I bet you're proud of these.
Are you going to get 'em framed?
- Framed?
- Yeah. Put them on the mantelpiece.
- Has he brought them things over here?
- No...
I've had to look at those.
He's made me look at those.
I told him,
I don't want to look inside him -
bad enough having to look
at the outside of him!
It's full frontal, innit?
I suppose it is, in a way.
It's just bone, though.
- It's disgusting!
- It's my X-rays.
You haven't got any clothes on!
There's no skin showing. If there
was skin, then you would...it would be...
- Pornographic.
- (ARTHUR) Yeah, that's right.
- Technically, everything's revealed.
- What's revealed?
Well, it's suggestive, innit?
- That's my new hip!
- Yeah? Well, that's your pelvis there
you're showing, that's your pelvis!
Looks more like
the Phantom of the Opera to me!
Elvis Presley got himself banned
off the television for shaking his pelvis.
Yes, and he had his clothes on!
He wasn't showing it off.
What are you talking about?
That's medical!
Are you going to get me a drink?
Medical! A Page 3 girl could claim that.
She could claim that what she shows
is under "medical"!
It would be if there was something wrong
with them,
and a doctor had to look at them.
But if he takes X-ray photographs
and shows them to other people,
saying, "Cor, look at these X-rays
of Miss Wotsit's thingummybobs..."
He'd get struck off for that.
There'd be nothing to see, Arthur.
There'd just be two big holes where...
...they would normally protrude from.
Which comes under suggestive,
and being suggestive
is well into the realms of indecency.
You could get banned off the television
for being suggestive.
You could get banned anywhere,
out of any respectable company.
Decent people don't like it.
Look, what you are showing people there
is the area of the scrotum
where it is housed.
You know what the scrotum is,
what it contains?
- It don't show up, though.
- It does if you look hard, see. Look...
that's where they would dangle
or hang from.
That is the privates area.
I'm shutting my eyes. He'll show 'em.
He don't mind, he'll show 'em to anyone.
He just brings 'em in here,
shows 'em as brazen as you like.
- Blimey...!
- I can see what you mean, though.
I mean, if you look hard enough,
you can imagine, cos...
that's where they are, all right.
Because, you see, there's no bone in it.
Not in...
It's just skin over it, like.
It wouldn't show up,
not without the skin.
But with the skin,
you could see the...the shape...
That's where the privates are.
That's, um...that's the spot.
He's always got them out,
admiring them, he is.
He looks at them
more than he looks at the telly now!
There's something wrong with a man
who always wants to be showing himself!
It's only X-rays, innit?!
It may be X-rays,
but it's still exposing yourself.
Look! It's my artificial hip.
Oh, it's not all artificial hip.
There's still some of you there.
If it was my artificial... whatever,
I'd still want to retain my privacy.
Hang on, what's this?
- This is your chest, Mr Garnett.
- That's right.
- Has your doctor seen this?
- Of course he has, he took 'em!
Well, I don't want to worry you,
but that's a very nasty mark there.
You see that there? Very nasty, that is.
Just there. Right where your lung is,
I should think. That shadow there.
It's a beer stain.
Spilt some Guinness on it the other night.
That new hip, it can't go rusty,
can it, Alf?
No, it's a special metal they use,
isn't it, Mr Garnett?
Well, it is if you go private.
I don't know what they use
on the National Health these days,
not what with all the cutbacks.
Anyway, you don't have to worry.
You're lucky.
A man your age,
it won't be in there too long!
I don't know what the rust rate
of metal is, but it should see you out.
Just keep it dry, keep out of the damp.
Oh, no chance of him getting damp -
he won't go near water!
I don't why the Council bothered putting
a bath in for him, cos he never uses it.
I bath regular.
Christmas is regular,
but it's only once a year!
What do you know what I do?!
My Harry, he's got to have his hip done,
Mr Garnett.
Yeah?
He's making himself ill,
worrying about it.
And I've told him
there's nothing to worry about, is there?
I didn't say I was worried about it -
I said I'm not looking forward to it.
He's just being brave, cos you're here,
but he's worrying himself sick,
and there's nothing to worry about,
is there, Mr Garnett?
- No, no, no.
- No, that's what I told him.
It's not your leg, is it?!
It won't be yours neither,
by the time they've finished with it!
They're not taking it off.
No, but they're not leaving it there,
are they, not as it is.
- You've still got your leg.
- Yeah, to all appearances, but...
Harry, come here!
- You're not starting on them again?!
- I'm just going to show him...
I'm sure he doesn't want to look at
your X-rays, cos he'll have his own soon.
Mrs Hollingbery, I've been down
the church, said a few prayers.
Yeah, well, you'll need more than prayers
going to hospital these days.
Blimey! I had prayers!
Not from me, you didn't!
He's making me ill,
with all this worrying.
And I keep telling him,
he's lucky he can have it done.
You want to be lucky. Any time
you have to face up to them people,
put yourself in their hands,
strewth, you want to be lucky!
I keep telling him,
it's only a small operation.
- Who told you that?
- Well, that's what we was led to believe.
I like your idea of small, missus!
It's not a little penknife they use - it's
bloody great saws and hammers and chisels!
(HARRY'S WIFE) No, no!
We was told it was minor.
- (ALF) Minor?!
- Yes, minor. That's what they call it.
- It's not a big operation.
- Oh, no(!)
That's what she means.
It's not what they call major.
It depends on your point of view, my dear.
It might only be minor to the surgeon,
because he's not having it done to him.
To him, it's just a few hours' work,
hammering and chiselling away,
and a fair few quid at the end of it.
Don't bother the nurse any. All she does
is hand him his tools as he asks for them.
If she wasn't doing that,
she'd be doing something else.
It's all right for the family.
Saying a few prayers down the church,
bringing a few grapes in, checking up
what sort of insurance you might have.
But if you are the poor bugger what's
on the table having your hip chiselled off
and dragged out of your leg,
and another brand-new bit of metal
whacked in its place,
it don't seem so bloody minor!
Large whisky, please.
It was a miracle,
what they did to your leg.
Oh, yeah? You don't know the meaning
of the word "miracle”, my dear!
Oh, blimey! The Good Lord
wouldn't have got far
if he couldn't work better miracles
than that lot!
- Your hip was a blessing from the Lord.
- Oh, yeah?
Yes, cos it's him that gives
the doctors their gifts.
Oh, did he? Well, I wish he'd give 'em
a tape measure an' all,
just an ordinary tape measure,
so that in the midst of all them miracles,
they could measure up and make sure
that the new bit of leg is the right fit,
not three inches longer
than the other one!
They've made a cripple out of me!
I've got to limp everywhere.
If I want to walk even,
I've got to stick one foot in the gutter!
Of course, Harry...he's worried about
his window-cleaning round.
Well, he can't find no-one to do it
for him while he's in hospital.
Mr Garnett's looking for a job,
aren't you?
I told you something would turn up!
He's not too old, is he?
Not if he can climb a ladder.
- Look, I...
- Hello, dear. The film finished, has it?
I turned it off. Frightened the life out
of me, sitting in the house on my own!
What film was you watching?
About Crippen,
the way he murdered his wives.
And how he disposed of the remains.
Another one who doesn't go along
with divorce now you have to share
half your worldly wealth with your ex.
I dunno, it does seem a bit hard,
giving them half, I know,
but I often think it might be worth it
just to get rid of them.
Have you ever thought of murdering
your wife, Arthur?
Me? Murder fer?
I'd have to shove a stake
through her heart, I think!
And I'm not so sure it would work.
No, I reckon the boot
would be on the other foot.
I'm more likely
to finish up in a bath of acid.
- Get off!
- True. It's a fact, Alf. Listen,
do you know, I let my dog have a taste
of everything before I eat it.
I've often wondered what it would
actually be like to do a murder, you know.
Slow poison, I think I favour.
You might get away with that.
It's mostly men
who get themselves poisoned. Hmm.
There's more husbands poisoned
than anyone knows!
(ALL) Hmm.
Well, it's your own fault
if you don't beware women like that.
- Women like what?
- Poisoners.
How are you to know she's a poisoner?
If you've got any sense,
you don't go around with that sort!
Crippen's wives didn't know he was
a poisoner when they married him.
Soon found out, didn't they?
He must've looked all right
to his wives.
For all we know,
he probably loved his wives.
He had a funny way of showing it,
Arthur, didn't he, eh?
At least he did show it.
Human nature can be
quite strange at times.
According to the film,
he was very sweet to them,
very kind and loving
right up until the end.
And then - tchch, bloo!
I like his style.
You know, it's not just hate
that people kill for -
it's gain. I mean, Crippen
probably didn't hate his wives.
Don't sound as if he liked them much!
He might have liked them very, very much,
but he liked their money more.
I mean, a lot of women who poison
their husbands
don't do it because they dislike 'em.
No, it's to inherit,
to get hold of their money.
You should be safe enough then, Alf.
Oh, it doesn't always have to be
a lot of money. No.
Post Office book,
that can be enough.
- I ain't got a Post Office book.
- So you say.
Look, I've got nothing of mine
that you don't know about!
- Mr Garnett, what about it?
- What about what, Harry?
- Do you want the job?
- Well, I dunno, I mean...
Career move, you don't decide
things like that sitting in a pub.
I'm sorry, it's urgent.
I've got to find someone soon.
- What's it pay, Harry?
- 60/40. It's fair. It's a good round.
All right! I'll do it.
Oi, Arthur, that job
was offered to me!
- So, you'll do it, then?
- Well...
anything to help out.
- What are you like on anaesthetics?
- Oh, no, not again!
(HE SLURPS)
I think you're letting your imagination
run away with you.
Fred Johnson's not a murderer.
How can you tell? You said yourself.
Oh, you've got to be careful, I know.
I mean, she has to live alone
in that house with him.
Where else do you expect her to live?
They are married.
I wouldn't like to live alone with him
myself. Blimey, he's not normal!
Have you seen his eyes?!
You can't go around
being frightened of everyone.
I mean, I live alone
in this house with you!
Yeah, but I'm different.
It's me, I'm normal.
I take precautions.
I lock the door.
Oh, do you?!
Yeah, well, until we're married,
I think it's only proper.
What, are you frightened, my dear?
You frightened I'm going
to come up there and do you in?
(HE LAUGHS)
I never know what you might try and do
when you're in one of your drunken states.
I mean, that's how murder gets done,
I suppose.
Now who's letting
their imagination run away?
Listen, if I'd been married to Crippen,
if I was one of his wives,
and he looked at me
the way you look at me sometimes,
I think I'd have packed my bags.
I'd have been off!
- Oh, yeah? Would you?
- Yeah.
Well, two can play at that game, my dear,
because I'll tell you something,
I'm going to hide that bottle of poison
I bought for the mice before I go to bed.
How do you know
it hasn't been used already?
All right, a joke's a joke.
Who said I was joking?
Look, I mean,
I know you wouldn't do nothing silly,
but I thought this bottle...
It had more in it?
Stop messing about!
It's dangerous stuff, this.
It's poison.
All right, all right,
we've all had our little laugh.
- I'm not laughing.
- That bottle was nearly full.
Th...there's got to be an explanation.
Oh, there is.
- I used it.
- Eh? what? How?
Oh, well, I'm going to bed.
Was the tea to your liking?
Lord...
Sweet dreams!
We ain't got no mice -
I got rid of them with this stuff!
(MRS HOLLINGBERY) Never mind -
they won't bother you any more.
- Here, Mrs Hollingbery...
- What now?
I've got to do that job...
window cleaning, in the morning.
(MRS HOLLINGBERY) Yes...if you can get up.
- What do you mean?
- We'll see.
What?
Did you enjoy that pie
I cooked for you tonight?
(SHE CACKLES)
All right, all right, funny cuts.
You had some of that pie yourself.
Did I...? (CACKLES)
Oh, Gawd, she didn't!
She said she'd had hers earlier! Oh, Gawd!
Blimey! There's nothing there.
But why? Why would she do it?
She's found my Post Office book,
that's why, the bloody cow...!
Or she's taken out insurance on me without
me knowing it, that's what she's done!
Oh, Gawd! I've got to get help.
999.
999. Gawd!
Come on, answer. Answer! Come on.
Come...
Hello! Hello! 9997
Send an ambulance round.
I've been poisoned!
Where? Where? To me, to here!
Where do you think
I want it bloody well sent?
Bloody stup... All right, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry. 59 Mandela Road.
Mandela! Mandela!
Well, look it up in the A-Z.
Come on, come on.
Of course it's there! It's an old street!
It used to be called Tinto Road
till the bloody daft Council changed it.
Well, how long are you gonna be?
What do you mean, "Don't panic"?!
I'm dying! I've been poisoned!
You what? "Mustard?
Yeah, all right,
only hurry up, for Gawd's sake!
Oh! Mustard...mustard...
- Bleedin' mustard...
- (CLATTERING)
Here it is.
Right.
I was only joking.
(HE SHOUTS AND SHE SCREAMS)
Oh...! Oh, Gawd!
(# CHAS AND DAVE:
In Sickness And In Health)
# Now, my old darling
They've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# Cos I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact
# That's cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do".. #
(# Bridal March)
# ...In sickness and in health
I said, "Ida". #
In Sickness And In Health)
# Now, my old darlin'
They've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# Cos I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do
- # For richer or poorer... #
- I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact.
# ..That's cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do".. #
(# Bridal March)
# ...In sickness and in health
I said, "Ida". #
Where are you going?
- I thought I'd come in with you.
-I don't need you up there.
- They might want a reference!
-So?
Well, I can give 'em one.
They don't want to know
what you think of me, my dear -
they want to know what my last employer
thought of me.
Your last employer?
They'd need someone like Doris Stokes
to contact him.
All right, funny cuts. You get on
with what you've got to do here.
I don't need you up the Job Centre.
I can get my own jobs, thank you.
All right. But you know
what they're going to say, don't you?
No, I don't know! But they're not going
to ask me where you are, are they?
You're too old -
that's what they're going to say.
It's not going to make me look any younger
if you come up there with me, is it?
No, but if you want to lie about your age,
I can be a witness.
A witness to what?
That you're telling the truth.
I see. And they're going to believe you,
are they?
It'd make it a lot easier if you had hair!
What difference would it make
if I had hair?
Anyway, if I had hair, it'd all be grey
and falling out by now, like Arthur's is.
Arthur's hair's not falling out.
Well, he ain't had the responsibilities
I've had.
Anyway, for all his hair, Arthur
don't look no younger than me, do he?
Well?
I don't want an argument.
Anyway, it's not him going for a job,
is it?
Look, baldness, my dear,
is a sign of virility.
That is a well-known scientific fact.
Well, I don't know about that.
It might be a scientific fact,
but you was married years
and you only had the one child.
And apart from that,
I haven't seen any evidence...
I am talking about cereba-bal virility,
cereba-bal vigour!
Not physical - mental! Mental!
Well, all the sex symbols seem
to have hair.
I'm talking about the brainpower
of the human head.
Nearly all your best brains -
all your scientists,
all your leaders of industry,
all the top politicians, they're all bald,
- every one of them!
- Margaret Thatcher's not bald.
Winston Churchill was.
The greatest man the world has ever seen.
Our greatest leader, he was!
And he was bald.
Very early bald, he went.
- Michael Heseltine's not bald.
- lain Macleod was bald!
- Nigel Lawson's not bald!
- Sir Alec Douglas-Home was bald!
- Douglas Hurd's not bald.
- Well...Rab Butler was bald!
Sir Geoffrey Howe's not bald. In fact,
none of the government are bald.
Well, perhaps it was a better government
when they was bald!
In fact, the only politician
stands out bald is Kinnock,
and I've never heard you refer
to his great brainpower.
I am not talking about the Labour lot,
my dear.
They're like gorillas, they are,
most of them.
Perhaps old Kinnock shaved his nut
to make it look like he had got a brain!
I am talking, my dear,
about the better class of person -
they don't go in for hair!
None of your royals have got hair.
Look at 'em.
Your Philip, your Charles, even young
Edward. Very, very early bald, he went.
Blimey! If hair was so important,
don't you think your royals would have it?
The Queen's not bald.
All right, all right.
It don't suit women, I grant you that.
What I'm talking about is this.
When we was all monkeys...
Some of us still are.
When we was all monkeys, we had lots of
hair, didn't we? All over us it was, see.
But as we grew bigger and bigger brains,
so we grew lesser and lesser hair.
Grass don't grow on a busy street,
does it?
- We don't want to go back to them days.
- What days?
When we was monkeys and had hair
all over us and tails and things!
No, I don't want to go back to them days,
not when we had tails and things
and hair all over us.
There you are, then.
But I think it's nice
to have a bit on your head, though.
Look!
- Pull this scarf round your neck.
- It's not cold out!
No, I'm trying to cover the wrinkles
in your neck.
- Get off!
- Come here, come here.
Keep your hat on all the time.
I wasn't going to take it off,
not for them!
It's a pity
it's not a younger-looking hat.
What would you like me to wear, my dear,
a school cap?
- How long have you had that thing?
- It's none of your business!
You should try
and make more out of yourself.
- Stand up straight!
- Ow! Strewth!
You slouch! Straighten your back!
What are you doing?
- Trying to darken it.
- Get off!
- Get some of the grey out of it.
- Get off!
If they don't like me as I am, if I'm
not good enough for them as I am...
- What's that?
- What?
- There.
- Get...!
Get off of me!
Too old?!
If Churchill was alive still,
he'd be too old, I suppose!
Ruled from the bloody cradle, we are
these days! Bloody kids with beards!
I've worked hard all my life! And when I
worked, "Made in Britain" meant something.
Now nobody wants to buy British,
not even us!
Your car? There's nothing British to buy.
It's all Japanese
or anything else foreign.
In debt to the bloody world,
we are now!
We'll all be evicted out of England soon,
that's what'll happen.
You see!
Evicted out of our own bleedin' country,
that's what we'll be.
We ruled the world once,
and now the world rules us.
If I got a job,
I'd be working for a bloody )ap.
Japanese bailiffs will sling us
out of here soon!
Bloody politicians - they might have hair,
they've got no bloody sense!
"Ooh, yes, we'll take you into Europe™!
As slaves!
Slaves to a foreign wage packet.
Join 'em? We ought to make 'em join us!
We ought to take 'em over!
We won't be allowed
to speak our own language soon.
English will be banned!
All the bloody same!
And our money. What little we've got
of it will be German Deutschmarks
and Japanese yens.
Whose face will be on it? Not Her Majesty
the Queen, God bless her, no.
Not good enough for 'em.
We should never have joined up
with all 'em wogs in the Common Market,
not until they agreed to make the Queen
Empress of Europe!
You can stuff your job
right up your jacksy
as far as it will bleedin' well go!
You was too old, wasn't you?
I told you what they'd say - too old.
Look, you say that to me once more
and you won't live to be
anywhere near as old as what I am!
(TYRES SQUEAL)
Bloody fool!
I could've been killed!
Bloody idiot! Get out of it!
Oh, dear,
and I haven't got you insured.
Come on. See what you made me do?
- Thanks for coming.
- My pleasure.
- Well, goodbye, Mrs Hollingbery.
- Goodbye.
Cheerio!
- Who was that?
- None of your business!
Letting strange men into my house?
That ls my business!
It's my house, too.
Letting strange men wander about
the house, that's how burglars get in.
- Burglars?
- It's how they find out what you've got!
Knock on the front door, make out
they're from the Gas or the Electric,
and daft women like you let them in.
Don't you read the papers, my dear?
It's full of it.
“"Woman alone in house
attacked by rapists!"
Rapist?! He's my insurance man!
Rapists have jobs, you know,
they're not all unemployed!
If you must know,
he would like you to be examined.
Examined?
Examined? What for? Mumps, AIDS,
driving test? What do you mean, examined?
- I've been advised to get you insured.
- Do what?
I've got to think about my future.
Never mind about your...
what about my future?
It won't affect you.
You'll be all right - you'll be gone.
I mean, I'll be the one left here with
all the worries and the funeral expenses.
What you don't understand is
that the longer you go on,
the more it's going to cost me.
Oh, I see what you're after.
You're after the profit, ain't you?
Not content with what you got out of your
last husband. Greed, that's what it is!
- I was thinking of you.
- Me? Me?!
Well, you want a nice funeral, don't you?
A decent send-off.
At least a bit better than your wife had,
poor woman, God rest her soul.
She'd have been better off
if the Council had buried her!
Well, the Council's going to bury you,
don't you worry!
- Yeah? And I'll dance on your grave!
- Shut up!
I brought these over to show you,
Arthur.
- What's that?
- My X-rays.
- X-rays?
- Yeah. My new hip, innit?
- I ain't seen these before.
- No, well, I don't show them around.
Mrs Hollingbery says I ought
to show them more, let people know
- what I've been through.
- Right.
I bet you're proud of these.
Are you going to get 'em framed?
- Framed?
- Yeah. Put them on the mantelpiece.
- Has he brought them things over here?
- No...
I've had to look at those.
He's made me look at those.
I told him,
I don't want to look inside him -
bad enough having to look
at the outside of him!
It's full frontal, innit?
I suppose it is, in a way.
It's just bone, though.
- It's disgusting!
- It's my X-rays.
You haven't got any clothes on!
There's no skin showing. If there
was skin, then you would...it would be...
- Pornographic.
- (ARTHUR) Yeah, that's right.
- Technically, everything's revealed.
- What's revealed?
Well, it's suggestive, innit?
- That's my new hip!
- Yeah? Well, that's your pelvis there
you're showing, that's your pelvis!
Looks more like
the Phantom of the Opera to me!
Elvis Presley got himself banned
off the television for shaking his pelvis.
Yes, and he had his clothes on!
He wasn't showing it off.
What are you talking about?
That's medical!
Are you going to get me a drink?
Medical! A Page 3 girl could claim that.
She could claim that what she shows
is under "medical"!
It would be if there was something wrong
with them,
and a doctor had to look at them.
But if he takes X-ray photographs
and shows them to other people,
saying, "Cor, look at these X-rays
of Miss Wotsit's thingummybobs..."
He'd get struck off for that.
There'd be nothing to see, Arthur.
There'd just be two big holes where...
...they would normally protrude from.
Which comes under suggestive,
and being suggestive
is well into the realms of indecency.
You could get banned off the television
for being suggestive.
You could get banned anywhere,
out of any respectable company.
Decent people don't like it.
Look, what you are showing people there
is the area of the scrotum
where it is housed.
You know what the scrotum is,
what it contains?
- It don't show up, though.
- It does if you look hard, see. Look...
that's where they would dangle
or hang from.
That is the privates area.
I'm shutting my eyes. He'll show 'em.
He don't mind, he'll show 'em to anyone.
He just brings 'em in here,
shows 'em as brazen as you like.
- Blimey...!
- I can see what you mean, though.
I mean, if you look hard enough,
you can imagine, cos...
that's where they are, all right.
Because, you see, there's no bone in it.
Not in...
It's just skin over it, like.
It wouldn't show up,
not without the skin.
But with the skin,
you could see the...the shape...
That's where the privates are.
That's, um...that's the spot.
He's always got them out,
admiring them, he is.
He looks at them
more than he looks at the telly now!
There's something wrong with a man
who always wants to be showing himself!
It's only X-rays, innit?!
It may be X-rays,
but it's still exposing yourself.
Look! It's my artificial hip.
Oh, it's not all artificial hip.
There's still some of you there.
If it was my artificial... whatever,
I'd still want to retain my privacy.
Hang on, what's this?
- This is your chest, Mr Garnett.
- That's right.
- Has your doctor seen this?
- Of course he has, he took 'em!
Well, I don't want to worry you,
but that's a very nasty mark there.
You see that there? Very nasty, that is.
Just there. Right where your lung is,
I should think. That shadow there.
It's a beer stain.
Spilt some Guinness on it the other night.
That new hip, it can't go rusty,
can it, Alf?
No, it's a special metal they use,
isn't it, Mr Garnett?
Well, it is if you go private.
I don't know what they use
on the National Health these days,
not what with all the cutbacks.
Anyway, you don't have to worry.
You're lucky.
A man your age,
it won't be in there too long!
I don't know what the rust rate
of metal is, but it should see you out.
Just keep it dry, keep out of the damp.
Oh, no chance of him getting damp -
he won't go near water!
I don't why the Council bothered putting
a bath in for him, cos he never uses it.
I bath regular.
Christmas is regular,
but it's only once a year!
What do you know what I do?!
My Harry, he's got to have his hip done,
Mr Garnett.
Yeah?
He's making himself ill,
worrying about it.
And I've told him
there's nothing to worry about, is there?
I didn't say I was worried about it -
I said I'm not looking forward to it.
He's just being brave, cos you're here,
but he's worrying himself sick,
and there's nothing to worry about,
is there, Mr Garnett?
- No, no, no.
- No, that's what I told him.
It's not your leg, is it?!
It won't be yours neither,
by the time they've finished with it!
They're not taking it off.
No, but they're not leaving it there,
are they, not as it is.
- You've still got your leg.
- Yeah, to all appearances, but...
Harry, come here!
- You're not starting on them again?!
- I'm just going to show him...
I'm sure he doesn't want to look at
your X-rays, cos he'll have his own soon.
Mrs Hollingbery, I've been down
the church, said a few prayers.
Yeah, well, you'll need more than prayers
going to hospital these days.
Blimey! I had prayers!
Not from me, you didn't!
He's making me ill,
with all this worrying.
And I keep telling him,
he's lucky he can have it done.
You want to be lucky. Any time
you have to face up to them people,
put yourself in their hands,
strewth, you want to be lucky!
I keep telling him,
it's only a small operation.
- Who told you that?
- Well, that's what we was led to believe.
I like your idea of small, missus!
It's not a little penknife they use - it's
bloody great saws and hammers and chisels!
(HARRY'S WIFE) No, no!
We was told it was minor.
- (ALF) Minor?!
- Yes, minor. That's what they call it.
- It's not a big operation.
- Oh, no(!)
That's what she means.
It's not what they call major.
It depends on your point of view, my dear.
It might only be minor to the surgeon,
because he's not having it done to him.
To him, it's just a few hours' work,
hammering and chiselling away,
and a fair few quid at the end of it.
Don't bother the nurse any. All she does
is hand him his tools as he asks for them.
If she wasn't doing that,
she'd be doing something else.
It's all right for the family.
Saying a few prayers down the church,
bringing a few grapes in, checking up
what sort of insurance you might have.
But if you are the poor bugger what's
on the table having your hip chiselled off
and dragged out of your leg,
and another brand-new bit of metal
whacked in its place,
it don't seem so bloody minor!
Large whisky, please.
It was a miracle,
what they did to your leg.
Oh, yeah? You don't know the meaning
of the word "miracle”, my dear!
Oh, blimey! The Good Lord
wouldn't have got far
if he couldn't work better miracles
than that lot!
- Your hip was a blessing from the Lord.
- Oh, yeah?
Yes, cos it's him that gives
the doctors their gifts.
Oh, did he? Well, I wish he'd give 'em
a tape measure an' all,
just an ordinary tape measure,
so that in the midst of all them miracles,
they could measure up and make sure
that the new bit of leg is the right fit,
not three inches longer
than the other one!
They've made a cripple out of me!
I've got to limp everywhere.
If I want to walk even,
I've got to stick one foot in the gutter!
Of course, Harry...he's worried about
his window-cleaning round.
Well, he can't find no-one to do it
for him while he's in hospital.
Mr Garnett's looking for a job,
aren't you?
I told you something would turn up!
He's not too old, is he?
Not if he can climb a ladder.
- Look, I...
- Hello, dear. The film finished, has it?
I turned it off. Frightened the life out
of me, sitting in the house on my own!
What film was you watching?
About Crippen,
the way he murdered his wives.
And how he disposed of the remains.
Another one who doesn't go along
with divorce now you have to share
half your worldly wealth with your ex.
I dunno, it does seem a bit hard,
giving them half, I know,
but I often think it might be worth it
just to get rid of them.
Have you ever thought of murdering
your wife, Arthur?
Me? Murder fer?
I'd have to shove a stake
through her heart, I think!
And I'm not so sure it would work.
No, I reckon the boot
would be on the other foot.
I'm more likely
to finish up in a bath of acid.
- Get off!
- True. It's a fact, Alf. Listen,
do you know, I let my dog have a taste
of everything before I eat it.
I've often wondered what it would
actually be like to do a murder, you know.
Slow poison, I think I favour.
You might get away with that.
It's mostly men
who get themselves poisoned. Hmm.
There's more husbands poisoned
than anyone knows!
(ALL) Hmm.
Well, it's your own fault
if you don't beware women like that.
- Women like what?
- Poisoners.
How are you to know she's a poisoner?
If you've got any sense,
you don't go around with that sort!
Crippen's wives didn't know he was
a poisoner when they married him.
Soon found out, didn't they?
He must've looked all right
to his wives.
For all we know,
he probably loved his wives.
He had a funny way of showing it,
Arthur, didn't he, eh?
At least he did show it.
Human nature can be
quite strange at times.
According to the film,
he was very sweet to them,
very kind and loving
right up until the end.
And then - tchch, bloo!
I like his style.
You know, it's not just hate
that people kill for -
it's gain. I mean, Crippen
probably didn't hate his wives.
Don't sound as if he liked them much!
He might have liked them very, very much,
but he liked their money more.
I mean, a lot of women who poison
their husbands
don't do it because they dislike 'em.
No, it's to inherit,
to get hold of their money.
You should be safe enough then, Alf.
Oh, it doesn't always have to be
a lot of money. No.
Post Office book,
that can be enough.
- I ain't got a Post Office book.
- So you say.
Look, I've got nothing of mine
that you don't know about!
- Mr Garnett, what about it?
- What about what, Harry?
- Do you want the job?
- Well, I dunno, I mean...
Career move, you don't decide
things like that sitting in a pub.
I'm sorry, it's urgent.
I've got to find someone soon.
- What's it pay, Harry?
- 60/40. It's fair. It's a good round.
All right! I'll do it.
Oi, Arthur, that job
was offered to me!
- So, you'll do it, then?
- Well...
anything to help out.
- What are you like on anaesthetics?
- Oh, no, not again!
(HE SLURPS)
I think you're letting your imagination
run away with you.
Fred Johnson's not a murderer.
How can you tell? You said yourself.
Oh, you've got to be careful, I know.
I mean, she has to live alone
in that house with him.
Where else do you expect her to live?
They are married.
I wouldn't like to live alone with him
myself. Blimey, he's not normal!
Have you seen his eyes?!
You can't go around
being frightened of everyone.
I mean, I live alone
in this house with you!
Yeah, but I'm different.
It's me, I'm normal.
I take precautions.
I lock the door.
Oh, do you?!
Yeah, well, until we're married,
I think it's only proper.
What, are you frightened, my dear?
You frightened I'm going
to come up there and do you in?
(HE LAUGHS)
I never know what you might try and do
when you're in one of your drunken states.
I mean, that's how murder gets done,
I suppose.
Now who's letting
their imagination run away?
Listen, if I'd been married to Crippen,
if I was one of his wives,
and he looked at me
the way you look at me sometimes,
I think I'd have packed my bags.
I'd have been off!
- Oh, yeah? Would you?
- Yeah.
Well, two can play at that game, my dear,
because I'll tell you something,
I'm going to hide that bottle of poison
I bought for the mice before I go to bed.
How do you know
it hasn't been used already?
All right, a joke's a joke.
Who said I was joking?
Look, I mean,
I know you wouldn't do nothing silly,
but I thought this bottle...
It had more in it?
Stop messing about!
It's dangerous stuff, this.
It's poison.
All right, all right,
we've all had our little laugh.
- I'm not laughing.
- That bottle was nearly full.
Th...there's got to be an explanation.
Oh, there is.
- I used it.
- Eh? what? How?
Oh, well, I'm going to bed.
Was the tea to your liking?
Lord...
Sweet dreams!
We ain't got no mice -
I got rid of them with this stuff!
(MRS HOLLINGBERY) Never mind -
they won't bother you any more.
- Here, Mrs Hollingbery...
- What now?
I've got to do that job...
window cleaning, in the morning.
(MRS HOLLINGBERY) Yes...if you can get up.
- What do you mean?
- We'll see.
What?
Did you enjoy that pie
I cooked for you tonight?
(SHE CACKLES)
All right, all right, funny cuts.
You had some of that pie yourself.
Did I...? (CACKLES)
Oh, Gawd, she didn't!
She said she'd had hers earlier! Oh, Gawd!
Blimey! There's nothing there.
But why? Why would she do it?
She's found my Post Office book,
that's why, the bloody cow...!
Or she's taken out insurance on me without
me knowing it, that's what she's done!
Oh, Gawd! I've got to get help.
999.
999. Gawd!
Come on, answer. Answer! Come on.
Come...
Hello! Hello! 9997
Send an ambulance round.
I've been poisoned!
Where? Where? To me, to here!
Where do you think
I want it bloody well sent?
Bloody stup... All right, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry. 59 Mandela Road.
Mandela! Mandela!
Well, look it up in the A-Z.
Come on, come on.
Of course it's there! It's an old street!
It used to be called Tinto Road
till the bloody daft Council changed it.
Well, how long are you gonna be?
What do you mean, "Don't panic"?!
I'm dying! I've been poisoned!
You what? "Mustard?
Yeah, all right,
only hurry up, for Gawd's sake!
Oh! Mustard...mustard...
- Bleedin' mustard...
- (CLATTERING)
Here it is.
Right.
I was only joking.
(HE SHOUTS AND SHE SCREAMS)
Oh...! Oh, Gawd!
(# CHAS AND DAVE:
In Sickness And In Health)
# Now, my old darling
They've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# Cos I'll probably starve to death
That's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact
# That's cos in sickness and in health
I said "I do".. #
(# Bridal March)
# ...In sickness and in health
I said, "Ida". #