In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 4, Episode 1 - Episode #4.1 - full transcript
Alf has had his hip operation and Winston has moved out,replaced by his straight cousin Pele. However some things never change,such as Alf's continuing feud with Mrs Hollingbery,...
# Now my old darling
they've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved
me pension for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# "Cause I'll probably starve to death
that's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
Bloody poorer that's a fact
# Just 'cause in sickness and in health
I said I do
# In sickness and in health
I said I do #
Look, it's all very well,
you saying that's a council flat
Look, it's all very well,
you saying that's a council flat
and it's your prerogative
to stick who you like into it.
-I didn't say that.
-Not in so many words.
-If you'd listened to what I said...
-You listen to me!
-What I said, Mr Garnett...
-I know what you said!
-You won't listen.
-You listen to me for a change!
I've done nothing else.
Look, I'm the one
who has to live downstairs
to whoever you wanna bung in upstairs!
We're not bunging people upstairs,
Mr Garnett.
We're trying to house them
as judiciously and harmoniously
as possible.
And we try very hard to take everyone's
likes and dislikes into account.
-So you stick her upstairs above me!
-What, Mrs Hollingbery?
No! Mickey Mouse!
Yes, Mrs Hollingbery, Mrs Poison Ivy,
Mrs Bloody Eva Braun!
You come round, you move people in.
Never a word!
Was that judicious? Was that harmonious?
If you want the truth, Mr Garnett,
Mrs Hollingbery came round here
and pleaded for a move.
-She sat in that chair and she cried.
-Oh, yeah.
She said she'd put an end to herself
if she had to live under your roof
a moment longer.
-Well, that's lies, that, isn't it?
-Well, I'm not telling lies.
No, but she is. She's the liar.
I've done everything for that woman,
I have.
I'm the one who ought to sit
in this chair and cry, if anyone should.
I'm the one who should do away
with theirs elves.
That would be a solution.
She's made my life a misery, she has.
Look, I'm easy to get along with.
Far too easy, if the truth be told.
I'm a good neighbour. You ask anyone.
That's not quite the impression
Mrs Hollingbery gives.
Yeah, well...
I'm the one they all like, not her.
Bloody cow.
She wouldn't do a hand's turn
for me, she wouldn't.
Wouldn't boil a kettle,
cook a breakfast, make a meal.
Do any washing or scrubbing.
No, not her. Not for me, she wouldn't.
Supposed to be a Christian?
Supposed to be a good neighbour?
Never mind.
I'll be glad to be rid of her.
Well, she's not very happy, either.
Happy? She don't know
how to be happy, that one!
And in future, missus,
if you ask people before you move
other people in above 'em...
What?
You let them interview 'em!
Give them the once-over.
Mr Garnett, when the council
gives somebody, anybody,
the tenancy of a council flat,
it becomes their home.
They pay the rent. It's got
nothing to do with anybody else.
All we ask
is that they be good neighbours.
It's all very well, you bunging people
into flats wherever you fancy.
But what about us?
Who has to live underneath 'em
with all their bad habits and behaviour?
We're a decent neighbourhood, we are.
Or try to be.
And if you lot was a bit more fussy
about who you let your flats to,
we could be an even better neighbourhood
and not have to live
amongst thieves and criminals
beyond the reach of law and order.
Really, Mr Garnett, nobody's
beyond the reach of law and order.
Oh, ain't they? Oh, ain't they, missus!
You take a stroll
down our street sometime.
Cor blimey, there's enough
of them down there.
All right, I mean, your coppers
might catch a few of them
and bung them into prison.
But what good does that do?
Your prison's no hardship
for your criminal.
It's only the decent, honest person
what suffers in prison.
I mean, prison's no more than home
from home for your average criminal.
It's better.
More like a social club for them, it is.
He's in there with all his mates,
isn't he?
Got three square meals a day,
snooker, television, no rent to pay.
I mean, most of 'em
ain't got that at home.
I ain't got that at home.
I thought you said yours
was a respectable street, Mr Garnett.
I thought it was. And so it used to be,
before you lot started moving
any old Tom, Dick or Harry into it.
Look, if you was a bit more particular
and come to us,
the decent, honest people in the street
and asked us who we want
living next door to us,
it might still be a respectable street!
Oh, I see. You would like to establish
a vetting committee.
Well, why not?
why shouldn't decent, respectable people
be able to keep theirs elves
to theirs elves
and not have to live
amongst thieves and criminals
and bloody muggers!
Well, I quite agree with you,
Mr Garnett.
But none of us can be altogether sure
who are neighbours are.
Don't talk daft, missus. Cor blimey.
Your upper classes, your middle classes,
all of them with a few bob,
they know who their neighbours are.
At least they know it's someone
with a few bob like theirs elves.
Not someone who's peeping in
through the window,
waiting for 'em to go out
so they can nip in and rob 'em.
They got neighbours they can trust!
Not neighbours
who are waiting outside to mug 'em
the minute they set foot
outside the front door.
The middle classes get mugged too,
Mr Garnett.
Not by their neighbours, they don't!
They ain't got the bloody muggers
living next door to 'em!
"Love thy neighbour",
the good Lord Jesus said.
Well, I'LL tell you this, missus.
He wouldn't have said that,
God rest his soul,
if he had to live where I have to live.
If he had to live next door
to the rubbish
I have to live next door to,
he would have said,
"Watch thy neighbours.
"Keep an eye on thy neighbours!
"Find out who they are
and what they're up to
"before you even pass the time of day
with your neighbours!"
Well, you paint a sorry picture
of your street, I must say.
Yeah, well, your Picasso
and your van Gogh
and the other one, the Toulouse,
the little cripple one, Lautrec, him.
They would have a hard job to paint
a better one, I can tell ya.
Anyway, we're not putting
any Tom, Dick or Harry above you.
Mrs Hollingbery is a nice, clean,
respectable woman.
Even you must admit that.
Oh, I ain't said nothing
against Mrs Hollingbery.
She's the one who come down here
complaining about me!
And you are the one who told her
I was a disgusting pig
and not fit to live
in the same house with her!
I didn't say that.
Oh, I see. So Mrs Hollingbery's
a liar too, now, is she?
I haven't seen Mrs Hollingbery
for months.
You encourage her to come down here,
telling tales about me.
I've been very good to that woman,
I have.
And what about her next door?
-Which side?
-Both sides.
Oh, well, now...
They have complained about you.
-Which side?
-Both sides.
They're each
as bad as the other, that one.
I mean, always knocking on my wall,
that one is.
Which one?
Both of 'em, when it comes to that.
As soon as I turn my telly on,
knock, knock, knock! Bang, bang, bang!
Complaining 'cause it's too loud.
Too loud?
I'm lucky the bloody thing works at all!
And that's the crux of it, innit?
That's what got up her nose.
-Who?
-Mrs Hollingbery.
Because I turned off Neighbours.
It's my telly, innit?
She's sitting in my flat,
complaining 'cause
I've turned off my telly.
I've got them two witches
either side of me,
bang, bang, knocking on the bloody wall,
complaining 'cause I've turned
the bloody set on,
and she's sitting there,
screaming blue bloody murder
as soon as I've turned it off!
I mean, it's my telly, isn't it?
I think I am entitled to decide
which program me we watch!
I mean, that's not asking
too much, is it?
No.
It don't entitle her to come down here,
complaining about me
and asking you to get her a new flat
'cause you've told her
that I'm a disgusting pig
and not fit to live
in the same house with!
Mrs Hollingbery has not been
down here complaining,
and I certainly never told her
you were a pig!
Although, I must say...
Look, she told me she'd been down here
and you said...
I never did!
You just said she sat in this chair
and cried.
Oh, that was a long time ago.
Last time I saw Mrs Hollingbery,
she said you were getting along
quite well.
Well, she's a liar.
-Did you say "a long time ago"?
-Yes.
You mean she ain't been down here
today complaining about me?
Mrs Hollingbery
hasn't been down here today.
And you never told her that I was a pig
and not fit to live with?
No.
Lying, bloody bitch!
She told me that you was gonna
get her a new flat
in a better neighbourhood
and move other people in above me,
more my own sort.
Then I can understand
your alarm, Mr Garnett.
Wouldn't be at all pleasant for you.
I haven't seen her.
We haven't told her anything.
Right.
-Mr Garnett?
-What?
You've forgotten your stick.
-What you doing?
-That's my telly.
I thought you liked Neighbours.
Yes, when I turn it on.
(BANGING ON WALL)
I can bang!
I can bang, too!
And you! I can bloody well bang!
Bloody Millwall hooligans!
They don't bang when you're out.
I've been sitting here all afternoon
watching that
and nobody's bothered to bang.
But as soon as you come in, they start.
You've been watching my telly
all afternoon?
Using my licence, burning my electric?
I put money in the box.
Tuppence!
Wasn't worth tuppence,
what I've had to sit through.
There's been nothing on there at all
this afternoon.
Not until now.
It don't make it no cheaper, my dear,
because there's nothing on there
to your liking.
I don't got a rebate from the BBC
'cause the programs ain't to my liking.
Only hours and hours of bloody repeats.
Shows I've paid for over and over again!
(MOUTHING) Be quiet.
I should be able to
claim money back on repeats
or anything else I don't watch.
I should have a form to fill in.
"Seen that. Seen that.
That's rubbish. That's crap.”
I should be able to claim back
on what I don't watch.
-Shush!
-"Shush"?
(YELLING) "Shush"?
Don't you dare to shush me!
This is my flat and that is my telly
and that is my chair you're sitting in!
You're a difficult man
to try and get along with.
Well, stay upstairs in your
own flat, then. Go on.
I shall have my own flat soon,
somewhere else.
-Yeah, somewhere away from you.
-Oh, yeah?
Is that what the lady at the council
office has told you, my dear?
Yes. Somewhere smart.
Somewhere I can hold me head up.
Yes. Well, you can
hold your head up here, my dear.
This end of the street's all right,
apart from them next door.
And when did this council lady tell you
you was getting
this new flat of yours, eh?
-Soon.
-Oh, yeah?
Told you that this morning, did she,
when you saw her?
Yes.
I should cross yourself, my dear,
if I were you.
Eh?
Ace, king, queen, jack, you know?
If you're gonna tell lies, my dear,
it's safer to cross yourself.
It appeases the Lord.
You should know that, you're a Catholic.
I don't tell lies.
I got more respect for my Maker.
Well, let's hope for your sake
that your Maker
wasn't up the council offices
for anything this afternoon
and heard what that council lady
had to say to me.
-What council lady?
-Never mind.
Your Maker's probably got his
little black book out on you already.
Well, he's everywhere,
according to your religion, isn't he?
And if he was up the council offices
this afternoon
and heard what I heard
that lady say to me,
you're in for a lot of Hail Marys,
my dear.
Him! And that parish priest of yours
will have you on your knees for hours.
You see.
Days, probably. Weeks!
And serves you bloody well right!
What lady?
The lady that you were
supposed to have seen.
The lady who was supposed
to have told you
that I was a disgusting pig
and not fit to live
in the same house with.
-You are a pig!
-Oh, yeah.
That may be, my dear,
but the council lady
didn't tell you that I was, did she? No.
And when you confess all of that
to the Father,
I hope he has you
on your knees till Christmas!
Ooh, you evil swine!
I tell ya, it's a bugger,
this getting old, Arthur.
I tell people, I say,
"Before you sneer at me,
I am your future!
"I'm what you've got coming to you.
Never mind looking after yourself.
"Never mind not smoking,
not drinking, doing your exercises.
"Look at me!" I tell 'em.
"I'm what's in store for you!"
"Loneliness and the old-age pension,
that's where you're heading."
(SNIGGERS)
That wipes the smile off their faces.
Look at this.
Reduced to sipping it now, I am.
I've gotta learn to make it last!
There used to be I'd down
three or four pints of this once,
just for starters.
Just to sort of sharpen your appetite.
I used to be able to afford to get drunk
three or four times a week once, Arthur.
Not any more.
Couldn't even afford to get drunk
Christmas this year.
You was drunk last Friday, though,
weren't you?
No.
I had a few, I think.
Not drunk, though.
Not what I call drunk, anyway.
You fell over in here.
Well, that's my hip, innit?
Got this artificial hip now, haven't I?
Still learning to use it.
See, it's a bit of a miracle, really,
the way I still get about on it,
I suppose.
But I won't give in to it, Arthur,
will I? No.
See, that's where
I'm different to the others.
That's what her upstairs
was saying only the other day.
-What, Mrs Hollingbery?
-Yeah.
"You're a hero with that leg," she said.
"You deserve a medal", she said.
"You sit there. You never complain.
"Never a word passes your lips
"about what you must have gone through",
she says.
But you're all right now, though,
ain't you, Alf?
I mean, now you've had the operation.
Well, I should be.
I should be by rights, Arthur, but...
It's a strange thing, though.
See, I can still feel that missing bone.
It's a thing people say, you know.
You hear people say
that have lost a leg,
you hear 'em say
how they can feel that missing leg
that ain't there, all their lives.
But you ain't lost a leg.
No, but I've lost a hip
and that is a part of your leg, innit?
And I can feel it still,
I can still feel that missing hip.
I don't see that, Alf.
I mean, the whole point of the operation
was to take away that hip.
I know that, Arthur,
but I can still feel it.
But they gave you a new hip.
I know that!
But I can still feel the old one.
So you're still in as much pain now
as you was before, then?
Worse, I'd say.
Then what was the point
of having the operation?
That's what I say!
It's the bloody doctors, innit?
Didn't wanna be done out of their money,
I suppose.
Well, can't blame 'em.
They've gotta earn a living, I suppose.
Trouble is, their living, Arthur,
is poking about inside of us.
I don't wanna complain, but, I mean,
they've gotta practise their medicine,
I suppose.
But the way my hip feels some days,
the bloke what done it could have done
with a lot more practice, if you ask me.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
What's the matter? You all right?
Ooh, that's giving me gyp, that is.
God strewth, it's been playing me up
something rotten all day.
-Oh, dear. Well, I don't wanna complain.
-No, no.
As long as some good comes out of it
for someone.
See, your surgeon's mistakes, Arthur,
that kills thousands of people
in this country every year.
But you never hear about their mistakes.
And you know for why?
Because they bury them, that's why.
I mean, why do you think
a surgeon wears a mask?
So's he can't be identified, that's why.
But, apart from your hip,
you're fit, Alf.
I mean, that's something, innit?
Well, I've survived the knives.
I suppose I can't complain.
I'm fit enough, apart from me hip.
But I'll tell you something, Arthur,
"fit" is no good to me
unless I've got money.
I mean, ill with plenty of money
is a bloody sight better
than fit without any at my age,
I can tell you.
Don't you value your health?
I value money more.
Better than anything else, that is.
Better than love?
-Love?
-Yeah.
Love? What good is love to you
if you're cold and hungry?
Anyway, you can get all the love
you need if you've got money.
You're talking about is sex.
I mean, you can buy sex for money.
You can't buy love, though.
Wrong, Arthur, wrong.
If you've got money, I guarantee,
if you're a millionaire, I'll wager you,
you'd have more of your family
and all sorts of other people
hanging round you
saying how much they love you,
more than you wanna put up with,
to be honest.
Well, saying they love you, maybe.
But really loving you,
That's another matter.
Well, saying they love you or really
loving you, what's the difference?
As long as they act
like they're loving you
and making a fuss over you,
what's it matter?
You can never tell
if people really love you.
You can only go by what they say or do.
Unless you've got no money.
Unless you're stony-broke
and poor as a bleeding church mouse,
like I am.
That's when you can tell
whether people really love you or not.
I mean, why do you think
I'm so bloody lonely?
So you think that nobody loves you
for yourself?
Not what I call love, no.
-Course there is.
-who?
(EXHALING)
-Plenty.
-Name one.
Go on, name one!
Don't rush me, Alf. let me think.
My Else, God rest her soul,
she loved me.
She thought the world of me, she did.
I was her world.
-Mrs Hollingbery.
-Mrs Hollingbery?
Well, you could be in
for a big surprise there.
-I could?
-Yeah, I mean,
you play your cards right with her,
you'd be on a good thing there.
Yeah, well, I'm pleasant enough, Arthur.
Trouble is with women, I mean, you know,
you pay them too much attention,
before you know where you are,
they're in love with you.
They're too keen on us.
That's their trouble.
You could do a lot worse than her,
you know.
Oh, yeah, I could have a lot worse
than her living up above me.
I mean, she does keep herself
to herself a bit,
-don't she?
-Oh, yeah.
And she's not constantly
throwing herself at you, is she?
No, not the way some might.
No, I should be grateful for that,
I suppose.
No, she's all right.
-Bit thick, though.
-Yeah.
You can't blame her for that,
though, can you?
Oh, no, you're right there, Arthur,
you're right there.
I mean, can't expect her to be any
brighter than she was born to be.
She does her best, though.
Yeah, but, you know, if it ain't there,
it ain't there, is it?
Well, that's right, yeah.
I mean, can't expect the Lord
to waste a good brain
on the likes of her, can you?
He knew what he wanted her for.
-Housewife.
-Right. To wait on man.
Right. And I mean, you know,
she's in pretty good nick.
I mean, for her age.
She's a bit younger than you, isn't she?
Oh, yeah. She's got a few years
left in her, all right.
That's not to be sneezed at, you know,
'cause you ain't getting any younger.
And if that hip of yours gets worse,
I mean, she'll have the strength
to push you about in a wheelchair,
won't she?
That can be very useful.
Yeah. Mmm.
Yeah, she needs a man to take her over.
-Find a use for her.
-Mmm. Mmm.
Give her a function.
-Of course, there's always the house.
-The house?
Yeah. I mean,
forgetting love for the minute
and think about financial gain.
See, you're saying how hard up you are
and I've told you before,
you don't have to love a woman
to marry her.
You take your upper classes,
the aristocracy.
I mean, they don't just marry for love.
For position.
Joining their dynasties.
Putting two fortunes together.
You marry Mrs Hollingbery,
and you'll be doing the same thing.
Using your loaf,
putting two pensions together.
I mean, you're sitting on a small
fortune in that house over there.
-A fortune?
-The house.
You marry Mrs Hollingbery
and you not only put
two pensions together,
but, instead of two flats,
you've got a whole house.
And with this loony left council
we got here,
you could buy the house for £20,000.
And that house is worth £120,000.
That's £50,000 each.
Or, or, you handle her right,
that's £100,000 for you.
£100,000,
and a wife that's willing and able.
She'd be willing, all right.
(HOOTING)
£100,000.
Hello, Mr Garnett.
You're looking cheerful.
Look as if you've come into money.
The old black economy going well, is it?
Don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, come on, Mr Garnett. You must be
one of the richest men around here.
All them black lads living with you.
Eh? You must be coining it in rents.
-Look...
-I don't blame him.
-Look, I don't charge rent.
-Oh, come on, Mr Garnett.
All them black boys
living in your house?
You ain't charging 'em rents? Eh?
Well, there's gotta be
some attraction in it.
Have you gone a bit, you know...
(KISSING)
No, I ain't!
That black boy, Winston, you live with,
he's definitely a...
He don't live with me no more, Winston.
I've got his cousin Pele living there
now and he's not a poofter.
All right, all right.
No, don't get me wrong.
Live and let live, that's what I say.
As long as you're all consenting adults.
Look, it's got nothing to do with that.
And I don't charge 'em rent!
I mean, it's not a crime these days,
is it?
Look, I took him in
out of the goodness of my heart!
But it does lower the tone
of a respectable street,
and that's not nice, is it?
Also, it lowers property prices
when you want to sell.
And that's even worse, for us
who've got money tied up in our houses.
You know? Mine'd be worth
about £120,000, something like that,
if we could stop them poofs!
£100,000.
(HOOTING)
One hundred thousand knicker!
God strewth.
Oh, it's you. You're back!
Yeah.
I was just watching your telly.
That's all right.
Oh! I'm in your chair...
No, no, that's all right. You sit there.
I bought some fish and chips.
It's only the one piece of cod.
The other bit is plaice.
Oh.
What, you mean you brought some for me?
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
There's only the one piece of cod,
but the plaice is nice.
I'll get some plates.
-Which bit would you like?
-Oh, I don't mind!
Yeah. I bought a Guinness for you, too.
-You like Guinness?
-Oh, thank you.
All right.
Now, what would you like?
Plaice or cod?
No, you. You choose.
-No, you have what you want.
-No, you.
You have what you want.
No, you choose.
No!
You.
Well, I tell you what.
we'll both have a piece of each.
-All right.
-Yeah.
Let the froth go down, eh?
# She...
# She wore a little jacket of blue
# And all the sailors knew #
(HUMMING)
I didn't go down the council office
this morning, you know.
I was telling fibs.
And the woman there
didn't say what I said she did.
(HUMMING)
And she's not even
getting me another flat
and I'm not even looking for one.
I'm happy here.
Oh!
Bit more cosy, eh?
That's nice.
Yeah, well, I thought... You know...
Candlelight supper.
Yeah. Well, bit cosy, eh?
It's very romantic.
Your very good health.
You still burning my electric in there?
What's this, then? New economy drive?
-It's you! I thought you said he'd gone!
-who?
Your Winston!
That ain't Winston!
That's his cousin, Pele.
You sure?
Well, bloody...
Can't you tell the difference?
I haven't got me glasses.
She can't tell
the difference between you!
I don't wanna tell
the difference between 'em, thank you.
Yeah. Anyway,
I'm sorry if I disturbed anything.
Eh?
Well, if I spoilt anything
that was going on. You know...
No, I don't know.
I think it's wonderful. Marvellous.
You enjoy yourselves.
-Have fun!
-WOMAN IN BEDROOM: Pele.
'Cause I am.
Now look what you've done!
You've ruined my reputation.
I will have to move.
No!
(WOMAN GIGGLING)
You stop that in there! Oi!
Cut that out!
I won't have that in my house,
do you hear me? I won't bloody...
(BANGING ON WALL)
I can bang.
I can bang, too!
Well, bang, man, bang!
And keep quiet about it, will ya?
it'll get cold.
# Now my old darling
they've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved
me pension for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# "Cause I'll probably starve to death
that's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
Bloody poorer that's a fact
# Just 'cause in sickness and in health
I said I do
# In sickness and in health
I said I do #
they've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved
me pension for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# "Cause I'll probably starve to death
that's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
Bloody poorer that's a fact
# Just 'cause in sickness and in health
I said I do
# In sickness and in health
I said I do #
Look, it's all very well,
you saying that's a council flat
Look, it's all very well,
you saying that's a council flat
and it's your prerogative
to stick who you like into it.
-I didn't say that.
-Not in so many words.
-If you'd listened to what I said...
-You listen to me!
-What I said, Mr Garnett...
-I know what you said!
-You won't listen.
-You listen to me for a change!
I've done nothing else.
Look, I'm the one
who has to live downstairs
to whoever you wanna bung in upstairs!
We're not bunging people upstairs,
Mr Garnett.
We're trying to house them
as judiciously and harmoniously
as possible.
And we try very hard to take everyone's
likes and dislikes into account.
-So you stick her upstairs above me!
-What, Mrs Hollingbery?
No! Mickey Mouse!
Yes, Mrs Hollingbery, Mrs Poison Ivy,
Mrs Bloody Eva Braun!
You come round, you move people in.
Never a word!
Was that judicious? Was that harmonious?
If you want the truth, Mr Garnett,
Mrs Hollingbery came round here
and pleaded for a move.
-She sat in that chair and she cried.
-Oh, yeah.
She said she'd put an end to herself
if she had to live under your roof
a moment longer.
-Well, that's lies, that, isn't it?
-Well, I'm not telling lies.
No, but she is. She's the liar.
I've done everything for that woman,
I have.
I'm the one who ought to sit
in this chair and cry, if anyone should.
I'm the one who should do away
with theirs elves.
That would be a solution.
She's made my life a misery, she has.
Look, I'm easy to get along with.
Far too easy, if the truth be told.
I'm a good neighbour. You ask anyone.
That's not quite the impression
Mrs Hollingbery gives.
Yeah, well...
I'm the one they all like, not her.
Bloody cow.
She wouldn't do a hand's turn
for me, she wouldn't.
Wouldn't boil a kettle,
cook a breakfast, make a meal.
Do any washing or scrubbing.
No, not her. Not for me, she wouldn't.
Supposed to be a Christian?
Supposed to be a good neighbour?
Never mind.
I'll be glad to be rid of her.
Well, she's not very happy, either.
Happy? She don't know
how to be happy, that one!
And in future, missus,
if you ask people before you move
other people in above 'em...
What?
You let them interview 'em!
Give them the once-over.
Mr Garnett, when the council
gives somebody, anybody,
the tenancy of a council flat,
it becomes their home.
They pay the rent. It's got
nothing to do with anybody else.
All we ask
is that they be good neighbours.
It's all very well, you bunging people
into flats wherever you fancy.
But what about us?
Who has to live underneath 'em
with all their bad habits and behaviour?
We're a decent neighbourhood, we are.
Or try to be.
And if you lot was a bit more fussy
about who you let your flats to,
we could be an even better neighbourhood
and not have to live
amongst thieves and criminals
beyond the reach of law and order.
Really, Mr Garnett, nobody's
beyond the reach of law and order.
Oh, ain't they? Oh, ain't they, missus!
You take a stroll
down our street sometime.
Cor blimey, there's enough
of them down there.
All right, I mean, your coppers
might catch a few of them
and bung them into prison.
But what good does that do?
Your prison's no hardship
for your criminal.
It's only the decent, honest person
what suffers in prison.
I mean, prison's no more than home
from home for your average criminal.
It's better.
More like a social club for them, it is.
He's in there with all his mates,
isn't he?
Got three square meals a day,
snooker, television, no rent to pay.
I mean, most of 'em
ain't got that at home.
I ain't got that at home.
I thought you said yours
was a respectable street, Mr Garnett.
I thought it was. And so it used to be,
before you lot started moving
any old Tom, Dick or Harry into it.
Look, if you was a bit more particular
and come to us,
the decent, honest people in the street
and asked us who we want
living next door to us,
it might still be a respectable street!
Oh, I see. You would like to establish
a vetting committee.
Well, why not?
why shouldn't decent, respectable people
be able to keep theirs elves
to theirs elves
and not have to live
amongst thieves and criminals
and bloody muggers!
Well, I quite agree with you,
Mr Garnett.
But none of us can be altogether sure
who are neighbours are.
Don't talk daft, missus. Cor blimey.
Your upper classes, your middle classes,
all of them with a few bob,
they know who their neighbours are.
At least they know it's someone
with a few bob like theirs elves.
Not someone who's peeping in
through the window,
waiting for 'em to go out
so they can nip in and rob 'em.
They got neighbours they can trust!
Not neighbours
who are waiting outside to mug 'em
the minute they set foot
outside the front door.
The middle classes get mugged too,
Mr Garnett.
Not by their neighbours, they don't!
They ain't got the bloody muggers
living next door to 'em!
"Love thy neighbour",
the good Lord Jesus said.
Well, I'LL tell you this, missus.
He wouldn't have said that,
God rest his soul,
if he had to live where I have to live.
If he had to live next door
to the rubbish
I have to live next door to,
he would have said,
"Watch thy neighbours.
"Keep an eye on thy neighbours!
"Find out who they are
and what they're up to
"before you even pass the time of day
with your neighbours!"
Well, you paint a sorry picture
of your street, I must say.
Yeah, well, your Picasso
and your van Gogh
and the other one, the Toulouse,
the little cripple one, Lautrec, him.
They would have a hard job to paint
a better one, I can tell ya.
Anyway, we're not putting
any Tom, Dick or Harry above you.
Mrs Hollingbery is a nice, clean,
respectable woman.
Even you must admit that.
Oh, I ain't said nothing
against Mrs Hollingbery.
She's the one who come down here
complaining about me!
And you are the one who told her
I was a disgusting pig
and not fit to live
in the same house with her!
I didn't say that.
Oh, I see. So Mrs Hollingbery's
a liar too, now, is she?
I haven't seen Mrs Hollingbery
for months.
You encourage her to come down here,
telling tales about me.
I've been very good to that woman,
I have.
And what about her next door?
-Which side?
-Both sides.
Oh, well, now...
They have complained about you.
-Which side?
-Both sides.
They're each
as bad as the other, that one.
I mean, always knocking on my wall,
that one is.
Which one?
Both of 'em, when it comes to that.
As soon as I turn my telly on,
knock, knock, knock! Bang, bang, bang!
Complaining 'cause it's too loud.
Too loud?
I'm lucky the bloody thing works at all!
And that's the crux of it, innit?
That's what got up her nose.
-Who?
-Mrs Hollingbery.
Because I turned off Neighbours.
It's my telly, innit?
She's sitting in my flat,
complaining 'cause
I've turned off my telly.
I've got them two witches
either side of me,
bang, bang, knocking on the bloody wall,
complaining 'cause I've turned
the bloody set on,
and she's sitting there,
screaming blue bloody murder
as soon as I've turned it off!
I mean, it's my telly, isn't it?
I think I am entitled to decide
which program me we watch!
I mean, that's not asking
too much, is it?
No.
It don't entitle her to come down here,
complaining about me
and asking you to get her a new flat
'cause you've told her
that I'm a disgusting pig
and not fit to live
in the same house with!
Mrs Hollingbery has not been
down here complaining,
and I certainly never told her
you were a pig!
Although, I must say...
Look, she told me she'd been down here
and you said...
I never did!
You just said she sat in this chair
and cried.
Oh, that was a long time ago.
Last time I saw Mrs Hollingbery,
she said you were getting along
quite well.
Well, she's a liar.
-Did you say "a long time ago"?
-Yes.
You mean she ain't been down here
today complaining about me?
Mrs Hollingbery
hasn't been down here today.
And you never told her that I was a pig
and not fit to live with?
No.
Lying, bloody bitch!
She told me that you was gonna
get her a new flat
in a better neighbourhood
and move other people in above me,
more my own sort.
Then I can understand
your alarm, Mr Garnett.
Wouldn't be at all pleasant for you.
I haven't seen her.
We haven't told her anything.
Right.
-Mr Garnett?
-What?
You've forgotten your stick.
-What you doing?
-That's my telly.
I thought you liked Neighbours.
Yes, when I turn it on.
(BANGING ON WALL)
I can bang!
I can bang, too!
And you! I can bloody well bang!
Bloody Millwall hooligans!
They don't bang when you're out.
I've been sitting here all afternoon
watching that
and nobody's bothered to bang.
But as soon as you come in, they start.
You've been watching my telly
all afternoon?
Using my licence, burning my electric?
I put money in the box.
Tuppence!
Wasn't worth tuppence,
what I've had to sit through.
There's been nothing on there at all
this afternoon.
Not until now.
It don't make it no cheaper, my dear,
because there's nothing on there
to your liking.
I don't got a rebate from the BBC
'cause the programs ain't to my liking.
Only hours and hours of bloody repeats.
Shows I've paid for over and over again!
(MOUTHING) Be quiet.
I should be able to
claim money back on repeats
or anything else I don't watch.
I should have a form to fill in.
"Seen that. Seen that.
That's rubbish. That's crap.”
I should be able to claim back
on what I don't watch.
-Shush!
-"Shush"?
(YELLING) "Shush"?
Don't you dare to shush me!
This is my flat and that is my telly
and that is my chair you're sitting in!
You're a difficult man
to try and get along with.
Well, stay upstairs in your
own flat, then. Go on.
I shall have my own flat soon,
somewhere else.
-Yeah, somewhere away from you.
-Oh, yeah?
Is that what the lady at the council
office has told you, my dear?
Yes. Somewhere smart.
Somewhere I can hold me head up.
Yes. Well, you can
hold your head up here, my dear.
This end of the street's all right,
apart from them next door.
And when did this council lady tell you
you was getting
this new flat of yours, eh?
-Soon.
-Oh, yeah?
Told you that this morning, did she,
when you saw her?
Yes.
I should cross yourself, my dear,
if I were you.
Eh?
Ace, king, queen, jack, you know?
If you're gonna tell lies, my dear,
it's safer to cross yourself.
It appeases the Lord.
You should know that, you're a Catholic.
I don't tell lies.
I got more respect for my Maker.
Well, let's hope for your sake
that your Maker
wasn't up the council offices
for anything this afternoon
and heard what that council lady
had to say to me.
-What council lady?
-Never mind.
Your Maker's probably got his
little black book out on you already.
Well, he's everywhere,
according to your religion, isn't he?
And if he was up the council offices
this afternoon
and heard what I heard
that lady say to me,
you're in for a lot of Hail Marys,
my dear.
Him! And that parish priest of yours
will have you on your knees for hours.
You see.
Days, probably. Weeks!
And serves you bloody well right!
What lady?
The lady that you were
supposed to have seen.
The lady who was supposed
to have told you
that I was a disgusting pig
and not fit to live
in the same house with.
-You are a pig!
-Oh, yeah.
That may be, my dear,
but the council lady
didn't tell you that I was, did she? No.
And when you confess all of that
to the Father,
I hope he has you
on your knees till Christmas!
Ooh, you evil swine!
I tell ya, it's a bugger,
this getting old, Arthur.
I tell people, I say,
"Before you sneer at me,
I am your future!
"I'm what you've got coming to you.
Never mind looking after yourself.
"Never mind not smoking,
not drinking, doing your exercises.
"Look at me!" I tell 'em.
"I'm what's in store for you!"
"Loneliness and the old-age pension,
that's where you're heading."
(SNIGGERS)
That wipes the smile off their faces.
Look at this.
Reduced to sipping it now, I am.
I've gotta learn to make it last!
There used to be I'd down
three or four pints of this once,
just for starters.
Just to sort of sharpen your appetite.
I used to be able to afford to get drunk
three or four times a week once, Arthur.
Not any more.
Couldn't even afford to get drunk
Christmas this year.
You was drunk last Friday, though,
weren't you?
No.
I had a few, I think.
Not drunk, though.
Not what I call drunk, anyway.
You fell over in here.
Well, that's my hip, innit?
Got this artificial hip now, haven't I?
Still learning to use it.
See, it's a bit of a miracle, really,
the way I still get about on it,
I suppose.
But I won't give in to it, Arthur,
will I? No.
See, that's where
I'm different to the others.
That's what her upstairs
was saying only the other day.
-What, Mrs Hollingbery?
-Yeah.
"You're a hero with that leg," she said.
"You deserve a medal", she said.
"You sit there. You never complain.
"Never a word passes your lips
"about what you must have gone through",
she says.
But you're all right now, though,
ain't you, Alf?
I mean, now you've had the operation.
Well, I should be.
I should be by rights, Arthur, but...
It's a strange thing, though.
See, I can still feel that missing bone.
It's a thing people say, you know.
You hear people say
that have lost a leg,
you hear 'em say
how they can feel that missing leg
that ain't there, all their lives.
But you ain't lost a leg.
No, but I've lost a hip
and that is a part of your leg, innit?
And I can feel it still,
I can still feel that missing hip.
I don't see that, Alf.
I mean, the whole point of the operation
was to take away that hip.
I know that, Arthur,
but I can still feel it.
But they gave you a new hip.
I know that!
But I can still feel the old one.
So you're still in as much pain now
as you was before, then?
Worse, I'd say.
Then what was the point
of having the operation?
That's what I say!
It's the bloody doctors, innit?
Didn't wanna be done out of their money,
I suppose.
Well, can't blame 'em.
They've gotta earn a living, I suppose.
Trouble is, their living, Arthur,
is poking about inside of us.
I don't wanna complain, but, I mean,
they've gotta practise their medicine,
I suppose.
But the way my hip feels some days,
the bloke what done it could have done
with a lot more practice, if you ask me.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
What's the matter? You all right?
Ooh, that's giving me gyp, that is.
God strewth, it's been playing me up
something rotten all day.
-Oh, dear. Well, I don't wanna complain.
-No, no.
As long as some good comes out of it
for someone.
See, your surgeon's mistakes, Arthur,
that kills thousands of people
in this country every year.
But you never hear about their mistakes.
And you know for why?
Because they bury them, that's why.
I mean, why do you think
a surgeon wears a mask?
So's he can't be identified, that's why.
But, apart from your hip,
you're fit, Alf.
I mean, that's something, innit?
Well, I've survived the knives.
I suppose I can't complain.
I'm fit enough, apart from me hip.
But I'll tell you something, Arthur,
"fit" is no good to me
unless I've got money.
I mean, ill with plenty of money
is a bloody sight better
than fit without any at my age,
I can tell you.
Don't you value your health?
I value money more.
Better than anything else, that is.
Better than love?
-Love?
-Yeah.
Love? What good is love to you
if you're cold and hungry?
Anyway, you can get all the love
you need if you've got money.
You're talking about is sex.
I mean, you can buy sex for money.
You can't buy love, though.
Wrong, Arthur, wrong.
If you've got money, I guarantee,
if you're a millionaire, I'll wager you,
you'd have more of your family
and all sorts of other people
hanging round you
saying how much they love you,
more than you wanna put up with,
to be honest.
Well, saying they love you, maybe.
But really loving you,
That's another matter.
Well, saying they love you or really
loving you, what's the difference?
As long as they act
like they're loving you
and making a fuss over you,
what's it matter?
You can never tell
if people really love you.
You can only go by what they say or do.
Unless you've got no money.
Unless you're stony-broke
and poor as a bleeding church mouse,
like I am.
That's when you can tell
whether people really love you or not.
I mean, why do you think
I'm so bloody lonely?
So you think that nobody loves you
for yourself?
Not what I call love, no.
-Course there is.
-who?
(EXHALING)
-Plenty.
-Name one.
Go on, name one!
Don't rush me, Alf. let me think.
My Else, God rest her soul,
she loved me.
She thought the world of me, she did.
I was her world.
-Mrs Hollingbery.
-Mrs Hollingbery?
Well, you could be in
for a big surprise there.
-I could?
-Yeah, I mean,
you play your cards right with her,
you'd be on a good thing there.
Yeah, well, I'm pleasant enough, Arthur.
Trouble is with women, I mean, you know,
you pay them too much attention,
before you know where you are,
they're in love with you.
They're too keen on us.
That's their trouble.
You could do a lot worse than her,
you know.
Oh, yeah, I could have a lot worse
than her living up above me.
I mean, she does keep herself
to herself a bit,
-don't she?
-Oh, yeah.
And she's not constantly
throwing herself at you, is she?
No, not the way some might.
No, I should be grateful for that,
I suppose.
No, she's all right.
-Bit thick, though.
-Yeah.
You can't blame her for that,
though, can you?
Oh, no, you're right there, Arthur,
you're right there.
I mean, can't expect her to be any
brighter than she was born to be.
She does her best, though.
Yeah, but, you know, if it ain't there,
it ain't there, is it?
Well, that's right, yeah.
I mean, can't expect the Lord
to waste a good brain
on the likes of her, can you?
He knew what he wanted her for.
-Housewife.
-Right. To wait on man.
Right. And I mean, you know,
she's in pretty good nick.
I mean, for her age.
She's a bit younger than you, isn't she?
Oh, yeah. She's got a few years
left in her, all right.
That's not to be sneezed at, you know,
'cause you ain't getting any younger.
And if that hip of yours gets worse,
I mean, she'll have the strength
to push you about in a wheelchair,
won't she?
That can be very useful.
Yeah. Mmm.
Yeah, she needs a man to take her over.
-Find a use for her.
-Mmm. Mmm.
Give her a function.
-Of course, there's always the house.
-The house?
Yeah. I mean,
forgetting love for the minute
and think about financial gain.
See, you're saying how hard up you are
and I've told you before,
you don't have to love a woman
to marry her.
You take your upper classes,
the aristocracy.
I mean, they don't just marry for love.
For position.
Joining their dynasties.
Putting two fortunes together.
You marry Mrs Hollingbery,
and you'll be doing the same thing.
Using your loaf,
putting two pensions together.
I mean, you're sitting on a small
fortune in that house over there.
-A fortune?
-The house.
You marry Mrs Hollingbery
and you not only put
two pensions together,
but, instead of two flats,
you've got a whole house.
And with this loony left council
we got here,
you could buy the house for £20,000.
And that house is worth £120,000.
That's £50,000 each.
Or, or, you handle her right,
that's £100,000 for you.
£100,000,
and a wife that's willing and able.
She'd be willing, all right.
(HOOTING)
£100,000.
Hello, Mr Garnett.
You're looking cheerful.
Look as if you've come into money.
The old black economy going well, is it?
Don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, come on, Mr Garnett. You must be
one of the richest men around here.
All them black lads living with you.
Eh? You must be coining it in rents.
-Look...
-I don't blame him.
-Look, I don't charge rent.
-Oh, come on, Mr Garnett.
All them black boys
living in your house?
You ain't charging 'em rents? Eh?
Well, there's gotta be
some attraction in it.
Have you gone a bit, you know...
(KISSING)
No, I ain't!
That black boy, Winston, you live with,
he's definitely a...
He don't live with me no more, Winston.
I've got his cousin Pele living there
now and he's not a poofter.
All right, all right.
No, don't get me wrong.
Live and let live, that's what I say.
As long as you're all consenting adults.
Look, it's got nothing to do with that.
And I don't charge 'em rent!
I mean, it's not a crime these days,
is it?
Look, I took him in
out of the goodness of my heart!
But it does lower the tone
of a respectable street,
and that's not nice, is it?
Also, it lowers property prices
when you want to sell.
And that's even worse, for us
who've got money tied up in our houses.
You know? Mine'd be worth
about £120,000, something like that,
if we could stop them poofs!
£100,000.
(HOOTING)
One hundred thousand knicker!
God strewth.
Oh, it's you. You're back!
Yeah.
I was just watching your telly.
That's all right.
Oh! I'm in your chair...
No, no, that's all right. You sit there.
I bought some fish and chips.
It's only the one piece of cod.
The other bit is plaice.
Oh.
What, you mean you brought some for me?
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
There's only the one piece of cod,
but the plaice is nice.
I'll get some plates.
-Which bit would you like?
-Oh, I don't mind!
Yeah. I bought a Guinness for you, too.
-You like Guinness?
-Oh, thank you.
All right.
Now, what would you like?
Plaice or cod?
No, you. You choose.
-No, you have what you want.
-No, you.
You have what you want.
No, you choose.
No!
You.
Well, I tell you what.
we'll both have a piece of each.
-All right.
-Yeah.
Let the froth go down, eh?
# She...
# She wore a little jacket of blue
# And all the sailors knew #
(HUMMING)
I didn't go down the council office
this morning, you know.
I was telling fibs.
And the woman there
didn't say what I said she did.
(HUMMING)
And she's not even
getting me another flat
and I'm not even looking for one.
I'm happy here.
Oh!
Bit more cosy, eh?
That's nice.
Yeah, well, I thought... You know...
Candlelight supper.
Yeah. Well, bit cosy, eh?
It's very romantic.
Your very good health.
You still burning my electric in there?
What's this, then? New economy drive?
-It's you! I thought you said he'd gone!
-who?
Your Winston!
That ain't Winston!
That's his cousin, Pele.
You sure?
Well, bloody...
Can't you tell the difference?
I haven't got me glasses.
She can't tell
the difference between you!
I don't wanna tell
the difference between 'em, thank you.
Yeah. Anyway,
I'm sorry if I disturbed anything.
Eh?
Well, if I spoilt anything
that was going on. You know...
No, I don't know.
I think it's wonderful. Marvellous.
You enjoy yourselves.
-Have fun!
-WOMAN IN BEDROOM: Pele.
'Cause I am.
Now look what you've done!
You've ruined my reputation.
I will have to move.
No!
(WOMAN GIGGLING)
You stop that in there! Oi!
Cut that out!
I won't have that in my house,
do you hear me? I won't bloody...
(BANGING ON WALL)
I can bang.
I can bang, too!
Well, bang, man, bang!
And keep quiet about it, will ya?
it'll get cold.
# Now my old darling
they've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved
me pension for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# "Cause I'll probably starve to death
that's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
Bloody poorer that's a fact
# Just 'cause in sickness and in health
I said I do
# In sickness and in health
I said I do #