In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 4, Episode 2 - Episode #4.2 - full transcript

# Now my old darling
they've laid her down to rest

# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart

# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS

# And they've gone and halved
me pension for a start

# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side

# Cause I'll probably starve to death
that's what I'll do

# For richer or poorer
Bloody poorer that's a fact

# Just 'cause in sickness and in health
I said I do

# In sickness and in health
I said I do #

(GRUNTING)

-Same again.
-Please.



Put it on the slate.

Bloody hell.

(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN)

You should keep off that leg, Alf.
Cheers.

You bought the ring
for Mrs Hollingbery yet?

That'd be daft,
I've already got one, ain't I?

The one Else left. God rest her soul.

Didn't she take it with her?

Well, I was gonna
leave it on her finger but I thought,

they all know about it up there.

We got married in one of his churches,
didn't we?

One of his blokes married us,
so it'll be in his records.

I don't trust them undertakers.
If I'd have left it on her finger

they'd have had it off,
the thieving swines.



Oh, Mrs Hollingbery wouldn't want
another woman's wedding ring,

-now, would she?
-She won't know, will she?

You removed Elsie's wedding ring
before they put her down?

She wanted me to have it,

with her last breath
she wanted me to have it.

Anyway, I wasn't going to
let it lay under the ground.

-It's gold, innit?
-You didn't sell it?

You did? You sold it.

Well, it was just sitting in a drawer.
It's not doing no good in there, is it?

Well, if you sold it,
how can you give it to Mrs Hollingbery?

-Kept the ticket.
-You pawned it?

You pawned your dead wife's
wedding ring.

I kept the ticket, Arthur.
I wouldn't part with that ticket.

I treasure that ticket.

You know what is the best thing
about marriage, Mr Garnett?

-What?
-Nothing.

Nothing is the best thing
about marriage.

But if you must,
you know what is the best ring to buy?

-What?
-Wholesale. Wholesale is the best.

And if you want wholesale,
I know wholesale.

I was in wholesale
before they invented wholesale.

My sister's house, wholesale.
Her husband's car, wholesale.

-0i, Ike, you know wholesale?
-Yep.

You can get wholesale?

Go and get us two large whiskies.
Go on, wholesale.

(LAUGHING)

So you're going in there
to propose to her now, are you?

Yeah, well, now that
I've decided to take the plunge

I thought I might as well let her know,
you know.

They like to make plans and things,
don't they?

Oh, I shouldn't be too casual
about it, though, Alf.

I mean, if you're going
to marry Mrs Hollingbery

and you can to buy that house
cheap off the council,

that's £100,000 in it for you.

Try and give her a bit of romance,
they like that sort of thing,

you know, being swept off their feet.

What you gotta do
is try and convince her

that you're head over heels
in love with her.

She's the only pearl
in the world for you

and you couldn't live without her.

Tell her if she turns you down,
you'll probably die of a broken heart.

-You think she'll believe all that?
-No, I shouldn't think so.

But that's the sort of rubbish
they like to hear, isn't it?

I mean, they read about it in books,
see it on the telly,

watch it on the films.
They want life to be full of romance.

Of course it's not.

That's why they turn so bloody nasty
after they're married.

Yeah, well, it is her big moment,
I suppose. So?

So, be like Clark Gable
when he went after Myrna Loy.

Imagine that she's waiting there to rush
to the door when she hears your knock.

But I've got a key, ain't I?

Go in there after her.
Sweep her up in your arms.

Shower her with kisses.
Throw yourself at her feet.

Tell her that your life is hers
and you can't live without her.

You would die for her.
You would defend her against enemies.

Walk a million miles
for one of her smiles.

That wasn't Clark Gable,
that was Al Jolson.

Well, you know what I mean.

And he was singing it to his mother,
not to his wife. You know, remember...

# Mammy

# Mammy, I'd walk a million miles

# For one of your smiles

# Mammy #

It's a mistake
keeping the pubs open all day.

And they complain
their pension's not large enough.

But it won't be,
with the pubs open all day.

I don't give a damn.

She's up there now.

(CHUCKLING) Little does she know
what I've got in store for her.

Blimey.

Her wildest dreams
are about to come true.

Be like Christmas for her.
when I tell her what I've got planned,

will she be happy.

(CHUCKLES)

Will she be happy when I tell her.

# I love you, yes, I do

# I am willing
to marry you, Mrs Hollingbery

# Spread the good tidings
and you'll get by #

-Mrs Hollingbery?
-Yes?

-Can you come down here a minute?
-Well, it'll have to wait!

Well, go without!

I was going to ask her to marry me.
I must be up the pole.

Round the bloody twist.

Make a fuss over her, be romantic.

Be wasted on her,
she wouldn't understand it,

she don't even know
what polite is, even.

I'm offering to marry her
and she's too busy to come down

the bleeding stairs! Well, sod her!

Let her stay up there.
Who wants her down here? I don't.

Find out before you start, know what
you're letting yourself in for.

They're all the same,
all the same, all of them.

None of them is any different.

Self, self, self,
is all they think about.

Never a thought for the...
Especially for the husband.

I thought you wanted to talk to me?

-Well, what do you want to say to me?
-Nothing.

-You called up the stairs!
-Did I?

-Yes, you asked me to come down.
-Well, you was too busy.

-Well, I was then.
-Well, I am now.

Well, don't call me,

wasting my time any more.
I mean, I've got things to do.

So have I! So have 1!

You're not the only one
with things to do!

Thank you, God.

You don't give nothing away

without it's got a nasty sting
in its tail, do you?

You show me how to make £100,000
out of this house

but I got to marry her to do it.

You strike a hard bargain, Lord.

£100,000, blimey.

That's worth a bit of a sacrifice
that is, innit?

£100,000

to have to marry her.

Look at it like that.

Yeah, well,

she's a good cook, I suppose.
I could do worse.

All right, Lord, I accept the deal.

I don't know why you
have to have strings attached, though.

That's why people go off of you,
you know.

It wouldn't hurt you to give away
something for nothing, just for once.

Although, I see your point, though.

Make her happy at same time,
two birds with the one stone.

(CHUCKLING)

Always thinking
of how you can do good, ain't you?

You've got her interests at heart,
ain't you, eh?

You... You're an old softy, you are.

Oh, well, she's a good woman, I suppose.
Deserves a little bit of happiness.

(HUMMING)

-Mrs Hollingbery?
-Now what?

Can you come down here a moment, please?

Why?

I've got something to tell you.

I wish you'd make up your mind.
You had something to tell me before

-till you changed you mind.
-You...

I've got more to do
than traipse up and down these stairs.

-You could be sorry if you don't.
-Sorry for what?

Now, I'm not shouting up the stairs!

Well, I can hear just as well up here
as down there.

All right, if you don't want to hear
what I've got to say, I won't tell you.

If you don't want to come down
then stay up there.

But you could be losing out,
'cause it's to your advantage.

-What?
-Step inside, please.

-Take a seat.
-What, here?

Make yourself comfortable.

Oh, no. Do you have to smoke that thing?

My first wife
used to complain about this.

But as I explained to her, I said,

"In marriage, my dear,
there has to be a bit of give

-"and a bit of take." Right?
-Yes.

I expect you've had more than
of your fair share of both.

-How many times you been married?
-Just the once, my dear.

-You said your "first wife".
-She was my first wife.

-She was your only wife.
-She was my first and only wife,

up until now. God rest her soul.

Up until now?

I said I'd never marry again.

She was very dear to me, my Else was.

And her memory still haunts me
to this very day. But...

I think I've done my duty there.

She was a good woman
and a very worthy wife.

And well deserving
of the sorrow that I felt for her.

But...

I think I owe it to another now.

Another good woman
and just as worthy in her way,

with who I'm willing to share
my remaining days.

You mean you're planning
to get married again?

-Yes. Yes.
-Is that what you're saying?

I'm willing to give it another go,
is what I'm saying.

Don't look so surprised,
I'm not drunk or anything.

Well.

Well, so, I mean, if you are thinking
about getting married again,

if you're looking
for romance or something,

if you feel the need
of a man in your life,

well, you can stop searching
'cause I'm willing to give you a try.

You're willing to give me a try,
are you?

-Correct.
-Well, that's very nice of you.

When would you like me to start?

Or are there others
you got to try out first?

-Look, you know what I mean.
-No, I don't.

Unless I'm to take it
that you're proposing to me?

-That's what I'm saying, isn't it?
-Not very romantically.

Well, what do you expect me to do?

Get down on my knees
like some daft ha'porth and...

Beg.

Though I doubt
if you're man enough for that.

Man? What do you mean, "man enough"?
I'll show you if I'm man enough.

Cor blimey, I'll tell you one thing,

I'm man enough
not to go down on my knees to anybody.

A strong man, a really strong man,

would think nothing of throwing himself
at the feet of the woman he loved

and begging her to marry him.

You haven't even said you loved me yet.

Well, I thought you'd know that.
I thought you'd take that for granted.

Seems you've
taken quite a bit for granted.

Look, I...

I wouldn't of called you down
from upstairs if I didn't, would I?

If you didn't what?

Well... Blimey.

What I've been saying.

ARTHUR: £700,000. Marry Mrs Hollingbery
and it'll be all yours.

Be romantic, Alf.
You got to sweep her off her fest

the way Clark Gable used to do
with Myrna Loy and Vivien Leigh.

I love you and I want you for my bride.

Oh, Christ.

I love you and I want you for my bride.

-I'll have to think about it.
-Eh?

-You'll have to give me time.
-You what?

It's a big step.

A big step?

You... Oh, God! You...
Here, I'm offering to marry you!

Me! It's me, I'm offering to marry you,
you silly cow!

Hey! Bloody hell.

How did you get on with Mrs Hollingbery?

-Eh?
-Did you pop the question?

Well, I put me cards on the table
and left her to mull it over.

What did she say?

Well, it's a big step for her, innit?

It's more than she bargained for,
I suppose.

See, like, when her husband died, well,
she was put out to grass, so to speak.

And here I come along,

offering to put her back
between the shafts again.

So, I daresay
she's wondering if she's up to it.

See, when she was first made a widow,
she probably thought,

"That's it, my life is over."

And here I am
offering to give her another go.

So, it's probably all been
a bit too much for her.

And I can understand that, Arthur,

so I thought, you know,
I'll let her sleep on it,

and when the excitement
has died down I'll... You know...

Here she comes now.

Well, aren't you gonna ask her over?

Well, if she wants
to come over, she'll come over.

-I mean, she can see me sitting here.
-Well, aren't you gonna buy her a drink?

I don't want to make
too much fuss, do I?

-I'll get her one.
-Here, Alf, I got you a drink.

-Oh, I was just gonna get you one.
-Yeah, I saw you rushing to the bar.

-Here's your chair, here.
-That's it.

-Thanks, Arthur.
-Oh, good health, good health.

Here, congratulations, is it?

-What for?
-Oh, good health.

-So you told him?
-What?

I thought it was our secret.
Oh, trust you to tell everybody.

I haven't even given you my answer yet
and everybody knows.

-Knows what?
-Oh, have you two got a secret?

Well, look, if you wanna be private
I don't mind...

No, it's all right, Arthur,
he seems to have told

everybody else down the street.
One more wouldn't matter.

-Told what?
-Look, the man in the corner shop knows.

Four people met me on my way
here and they know.

And all of them at the bar, they know.

-Congratulations!
-See.

-I never told nobody!
-Nor me, I never said a word.

-Cross my heart, Alf.
-Congratulations, Mr Garnett.

And you know what they say, don't you?

Any man who gets married
for a second time

doesn't deserve
to have lost his first wife.

-Fred.
- (LAUGHING) Don't start. Just a joke.

-Just a laugh.
-Bloody bar watching.

Well, they'll find a way.

Where there's a will, eh, Mr Garnett?

By the way, I think you should
make one of them out, you know?

I mean, think of her,
you start your jiggy-jiggies

after all these years,
it might be a shock to your system.

Don't want to leave her destitute.

You mustn't mind my Fred.
He don't mean nothing.

It's just his way.

He has to see the funny side
of everything.

Yeah, well, I'll show him the funny side
of my hand in a minute.

If he wants to laugh,
he should look in the mirror.

Just having a joke, Mrs Hollingbery.

Yeah, so was your mother
when she had you, poor woman.

-His mother had him late in life.
-Yeah, well, that's always a mistake.

Oh, it was, I'm sure of it.
His sister is a handsome woman.

He was always the ugly duckling,
poor Fred.

I sometimes wonder
what I ever saw in him.

Not there now, anyway, whatever it was.

Still, I mustn't grumble.
We've got a nice house.

There wasn't much choice for anybody
in those days.

It was all much of a muchness.

Oh, well, my late husband George,
God rest his soul,

I mean, he was always a cut above
most of 'em round here.

Well, I suppose I must've thought
my Fred was at one time.

My George was
a very smartly turned out man.

Very well thought of.

And very good looking.

-He was an MC.
-What, Military Cross?

Master of Ceremonies at dances.

-Only the Catholic ones.
-Well, I only went to the Catholic ones.

I knew your husband.

-Well?
-Nothing.

She can go on about me
as the ugly duckling.

You know, I could have had my pick,
I could.

Her choice might have been limited
but mine wasn't.

My mother might have had me late
in life, but at least I was her choice.

I wasn't the result of a drunken father.

Talk about your family!

Ten of them, you know?

Ten of them her mother had.

Mind what are you doing.

I could have married beauty.

I had a good job and money,
but my mother warned me against that.

She said, "You're not out buying
a decoration for your house," she said.

"You're looking for a wife. Someone
who's gonna keep it smart and tidy."

And when I took her home, Mum said,
"That's her."

"Marry her, because she won't stray."

She won't get the chance.

-Get off of me.
-I am serious.

No, she was my choice. Oh, yes.

And she's one in a million
in her own way.

Aren't you, Jigga, jigga, jigga.

Oh, my God, he wants looking at.

Looks aren't everything, eh, dear?

Beauty is only skin deep, Mr Garnett,
and it soon wears off

as they get older.

And it's like anything.
Yeah, it's like... Take my motor.

Pretty as a picture she was
when I bought her,

shiny with new paint she was, but now...

-Clapped out, she is now.
-Oh, dear.

Clapped out just like...
Well, could be anything, innit?

No, I wasn't looking for beauty.
I wasn't daft.

I knew what I wanted.

Nothing lasts, Mr Garnett.

Not in pristine condition
as the government's finding out

with its health service.

It's a question of the cost of keeping
them on the road, you know?

It's the new gear box with the car.
What it might be with her, I don't know.

I'm not a doctor.
I can't look under the bonnet.

But after 20 years,
the bodywork starts to show its age,

bits fall off.

The big end might blow any moment.

I mean, all I've got to decide is,
can I afford to keep it on the road.

I mean, as soon as you
patch up something,

something else falls off.

It's all right for your doctors
and your mechanics,

they are earning out of it.

But, I mean, take you two.

If you were cars,
you wouldn't pass your MOTs.

Fred!

I'm sorry, love.

No of fence meant, Mr Garnett,
but it's true.

Ain't it, eh?

Has Maggie Thatcher thought of this?
Privatise the National Health Service.

Abandon them all to market forces.

That's what she's gotta do, eh?
Good old Maggie!

I think you've had enough of that.

Not enough. I'm gonna have another.

You mustn't let my Fred
upset you, Mr Garnett.

It's just his way with people.

He loves Mrs Thatcher.

He won't hear a word said against her.

It was all Adolf Hitler at one time.

But since Mrs Thatcher's took over,
poor Adolf's had to take a back seat.

He used to praise that man so much.

I said to him once, I said, "Fred,

"you keep going on like that
about Mr Hitler,

"people will get the wrong impression."

Congratulations, Mr Garnett.

And if you get as much happiness
out of her

as I've had
out of my little old Dutch here,

you won't be doing too bad.

(SINGING INCOHERENTLY)

Oh, put a sock in it.

Because I've done well. I'm happy.
We're happy, aren't we, dear?

In our own way.

Yes, in our own way, I suppose.

You loved your wife,
didn't you, Mr Garnett?

Oh, yeah.

-And she loved you?
-Oh, yeah.

Yes. She always said
if she hadn't married you,

she would have probably ended up
marrying somebody just like you.

I think I've got the pools up.

Have you? Well, fill these up, then.

(LAUGHING)

I've never won the pools.

Not ever.
No, I've never been lucky enough.

You don't do 'em, do you?

That's right. No good doing 'em.

If you're not lucky enough...

My late husband, he used to do 'em,
God rest his soul.

He used to go up the church
every Friday night

and light a candle to St Theresa.

And not only her, the Holy Mother.

And some Fridays the Lord Jesus himself,
but we still never won nothing.

Perhaps they didn't know
what teams he picked.

I mean, I shouldn't think
they follow football, your saints.

Gordon Bennett.

How much do you think you won, Arthur?

Oh, quite a lot. Well, I'm pretty sure.

Well, I'm so sure
I was awake all night the other night

trying to think what I would do with it.

You know, I mean, it's quite a fortune,
a million or so.

-As much as that?
-What, pounds?

Well, he's not talking about pennies,
is he?

Well, it's a lot of money,
a million pennies is.

It's...

Well, I wouldn't mind having some of it.

-It's a lot of money.
-There you are. I said it was.

He's talking about pounds, not pennies!

Oh, shut up, barmy.

It makes you think, Alf,
I mean, it makes you wonder.

I mean, it's worrying
what are you gonna do with it all.

Yeah, it would, it would.
But I think I'd know what to do with it.

-Would you?
-Oh, yeah. No problem.

What? A million pound?

You'd know what to do
if you won a million pound?

Yeah. He'd spend it in here.

Some of it I might, my dear. Some of it.

Tell you one thing, I wouldn't sit
looking at an empty glass.

Oh, right, I'll get you some more,
sorry, I...

-No, no. I'll get them, Arthur.
-You got the last order.

It don't matter who got the last order,
does it? Eh?

We're friends, Arthur.

As soon as we hear the key in the lock,

I'll turn the light on and
everybody shout, "Surprise, surprise".

He'll only turn the light on himself
as soon as he comes in.

Oh. well, look, get on a chair,
get the bulb out, right?

And we'll let him fumble for a bit
and then I'll shout,

"Go now", and you stick it back.

-They're coming.
-All right, go on.

-They're coming down the road.
-Get it ready.

-Blimey, this bulb's hot.
-Yeah, well, use a handkerchief.

Bloody dog, he does it in the same spot
every bloody...

(FLICKING SWITCH)

Ah, the bloody bulb's gone.
I can't see nothing.

(MAN CHUCKLING)

Here.

-There's somebody in here.
-Go now!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Oh, Mrs Johnson.

What are you doing in here?

-Where's Mr Garnett?
-I'll get him.

-It was Fred's idea.
-You nearly gave me heart failure.

-Sure, absolutely.
-MRS HOLLINGBERY: What's he doing?

You left me. You ran off and left me.

-I thought you was with me.
-You ran off and left me here.

I was coming back for you.

-Do you mind!
-Where're you going?

I'm going up to my own room.

But this is your engagement party.

I wouldn't marry him.
I'd want a man, not a mouse.

Ah, there's all this food.
Don't spoil it.

-Alf, she's your woman.
-Right.

Mrs Hollingbery!

MRS HOLLINGBERY:
Oh, go and boil your head.

I don't know if I can marry him.

Why not?

I can't get insurance out on him.

I asked the man
and he said it would cost too much.

-Oh, what, do you mean in case he...
-Kicks the bucket.

And it wouldn't be cheap.

Not burying him, no. Not these days.

-No, and it'd be left to me to do it.
-Look...

Now, you gotta think
about these things, Mr Garnett.

I mean, a man your age,
the odds aren't with him,

not with insurance companies.

What about a man your age?

Well, I've got me house across the road,
don't I? Now, that's collateral.

Mind you, you've got your house here.
This is collateral.

No, it's not ours.
Belongs to the council.

-Buy it off 'em.
-Eh?

Yeah, as a married couple
you could buy it off the council cheap.

You must know about this, Mr Garnett.

It'd cost about £20,000.
Market value, about £100,000.

-Is that true?
-FRED: That's right, isn't it, Arthur?

Oh, yeah, as a married couple,
you'd be laughing living here.

You'd be sharing £100,000.

It'd pay you to get married.

Even if you don't love each other,
eh, Mr Garnett?

£50,000 each?

Here, did you hear that? £50,000?

Blimey, I think
I'd marry the devil for that.

I probably am.

I accept, Mr Garnett.

I accept your proposal of marriage.

£50,000, Alf, it's not to be sneezed at.

-Congratulations.
-Yeah. Congratulations!

-To the happy couple.
-ARTHUR: Well, done.

Go on, then, Mr Garnett, kiss her.

(ALL CHEERING)

# Now my old darling
they've laid her down to rest

# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart

# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS

# And they've gone and halved
me pension for a start

# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side

# "Cause I'll probably starve to death
that's what I'll do

# For richer or poorer
Bloody poorer that's a fact

# Just 'cause in sickness and in health
I said I do

# In sickness and in health
I said I do #