In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 3, Episode 7 - Christmas Special - full transcript

# Ding dong merrily on high
In heav'n the bells are ringing

# Ding dong verily the sky
is riv'n with angel singing

# Gloria

# Hosanna in excelsis

# Gloria

# Hosanna in excelsis #

Marigold!

All right!

You going to put these socks on for me
or not?

And why can't you put them on
for yourself?

Can't bend down, can I?
I'm in agony with it.



I've either got to leave them on
or leave them off.

And you left them on.

-How'd you get them off?
-Her upstairs took them off.

Oh, and wouldn't she put them
back on again?

(GASPS)

-Can't say I blame her. Here.
-Get off!

What are you doing with that?
Put that down!

-Where'd you get this?
-It was issued during the war.

And you've kept it ever since?

'Cause I don't trust the Russians, do I?

Where's your flippers?

Are you sure it's just for a new hip
you're going into hospital?

It's all right, you laughing. Get off!

You've never been in a war.



You don't know what it's like having
things drop out of the sky on you.

Did you keep your tin helmet?

Oh, very funny.

You'll be laughing the side of your face

they start dropping nuclear bombs
on you, mate! Oh.

You'll be the one running around
looking for a tin helmet then.

Look, we wasn't prepared in 1939.

Although I wrote to the Government,
warning them.

You? Wrote to the Government?

Not only me, there was others, too.
And the papers, they was telling them.

And Churchill, he told
that bloody, old fool Chamberlain.

But this time, I'm looking after me self.
Sod the government.

They can do what they bloody well like.

I'm not getting caught out twice.

We should have dropped that bomb
on the Russians

while we was the only ones who had it.

I wrote to Attlee, didn't I?

Socialist twit.

I put it in the letter to him. I said,
"Drop it. Drop it on the Russians.

"Drop it while there's still time."
I wrote to Churchill.

I mean, why we never used that bomb
when we was the only ones who had it,

I'll never know!

We could have wiped out all those
we don't get on with

and really achieved peace in our time.

And the world would have been
a better place to live in

with just the English and our friends.

We wouldn't have to sit here worrying
about the Russians

-and their bloody bombs.
-I'm not worried about the Russians.

'Cause there wouldn't be
no bloody Russians, mate, that's why.

There wouldn't no Iranians neither,

nor that other Arab swine
who kept Her Majesty waiting for hours.

And the oil,
the oil would still be ours.

It'd belong to us,
the people who found it.

Yeah, and your Irish...

(CHUCKLING)

They wouldn't be so keen to make a
bloody nuisance of themselves, neither.

They might be a little more inclined
to watch their P's and Q's

with a nuclear bomb
whizzing over their heads.

That'd be a bit close to home,
though, wouldn't it,

dropping one of them things
on the Irish?

We know what we're doing.

Cor blimey, it'd take
a few of them things

before it'd have any effect on us.

-Oh, I don't know. What about Chernobyl?
-Chernobyl nothing!

Cor blimey, if one bomb was enough, why
do you think we've got so many of 'em?

The Russians, they've got thousands.
We've got thousands of them.

No, you put your trust in the RAF.

(CHUCKLING)

Them lads know what they're doing.

They didn't let us down during
the Battle of Britain, did they?

I don't know.
I wasn't here for the Battle of Britain.

Well, ask your mum. Ask your dad.

Our finest hour, that was,
Churchill said.

That's when we showed the whole world
the kind of people that we was.

We didn't have no
Ban the Bomb marches then, did we?

No! "Give us the tools", Churchill said,
"and we will finish the job".

And we did. And we stood there,
and London was burning all round us,

but we stood there, heads held high.

And we took everything
that Jerry could throw at us.

Is that when you wore this?

And then the tide turned,
and we bounded back.

(GRUNTING)

And did we give them what for, eh?

We had them running around
in no time at all with their hands up,

yelling, “Kamerad! Kamerad!"

(GRUNTING)

We shouldn't have
stopped there, neither.

We should have gone on and given the
Russians a taste of the same medicine.

Oh!

I thought they were our friends then,
our allies.

No, they was only our allies and friends

while we was fighting
the Germans and the Japs.

They wasn't real friends.
They was only wartime friends.

No, we should have dropped that bomb
on the Russkies and have done with it.

(HUMMING THE DAMBUSTERS THEME)

Look, are you going to put
these socks on or not?

Why, yessum, boss.
I's a-goin'. I's a-goin'.

So you won't be with us
for Christmas this year, then?

-No.
-Be better off where he's going.

They have a good time
in them hospitals, Christmas.

I'm not going to celebrate.
It's not a hotel, you know.

My Aunt Ethel was in one of them
at Christmas.

Best Christmas she ever had.

Was her last one, though.

Don't forget to let us know
which ward you're going to be in.

Oh, yeah, I'll pop out.
I'll come round and tell you.

Well, we'll want to know where to send
all your presents.

Yes.

It's a bit hard, though, isn't it?

I mean, being in the hospital
for Christmas.

I mean, Christmas is for the family.

People travel from all over
to be together,

aunts, uncles, little children
playing with their toys,

all together again and...

I reckon you could be the lucky one.

You'd be better off in hospital, long as
there's not too much wrong with you.

Going to get a new leg,
aren't you, Mr Garnett?

No, it's just your hip,
isn't it, Mr Garnett?

Make sure they know that.

Have a count up before you come out,

make sure you've got everything
you're supposed to have.

Stop it, Fred.
You'll frighten Mr Garnett.

No, you can't frighten him.
He's an old soldier.

You've seen your share of blood
and gore and legs hanging off,

haven't you, Mr Garnett?

He lived through the war.

Anyway, they don't make many mistakes
in them places, not these days.

Oh, I don't know, Arthur.

Christmas, everybody's had a few,
and they're no exceptions.

They get a few down them and...

"Ooh! What's that I've just cut off?"

Well, my sister, not the one
I'm spending Christmas with,

but the other one, the one we lost...

Well, I won't go into details,
not with Mr Garnett sitting here,

I mean, not with him having to go
into one himself tomorrow,

but I blame them for her.

I still say it was them
what done for her.

I won't go into details
with Mr Garnett sitting here.

But there was nothing wrong
with my sister,

hale and hearty she was, and fit.

Well, fitter than him.

No, she was just a little bit poorly.

But whatever they done to her
in that hospital, it was criminal.

Should have been locked up, all of 'em.

And that was Christmas.

Fred, buy Mr Garnett a drink.
He's gone all white.

You'll be all right.

Them blokes are doing them all day long,
hundreds of them.

Yeah, never mind, Mr Garnett,
it might never happen.

The one thing in your favour,
if something does go wrong,

you won't know nothing about it.
You'll be out.

You'll be under the old an aesthetic.
You'll just wake up dead.

It's the best way to go.
Come on, cheer up.

Have a whisky. Come on. Merry Christmas.

Get undressed
and get into bed, Mr Garnett.

What, in front of all these...

This is no place
for modesty, Mr Garnett.

We'll be seeing more of you
in the next few days

than you've ever seen of yourself.

I'm entitled to my privacy.

Go behind there and put on your pyjamas.

You haven't got any pyjamas?
What do you wear in bed, then?

Not what you wear all day, I would hope.

I see. You do.

Put this on. Take your clothes off.

Take all your clothes off, Mr Garnett,

and throw them out, there.

(TUTTING)

(SIGHS)

Hasn't Mr Riley come back from
the operating theatre yet, miss?

No, he hasn't.

Well, they're taking their time
bringing him back, aren't they?

He's not coming back.

Mr Jenkins again?

Not this time.

Leave that, nurse.

Get these fumigated.

Oh, God, he's here again.

-He's a rabbi, isn't he?
-No, no, he's a scrounger.

He comes in here regularly
and eats all their food,

the ones who are too sick to know
who he is or what he's doing.

I'm always chasing him out.

Thank you very much.

Mmm, perhaps a piece of chocolate, hmm?

Yes, the grapes are very nice.
You're right.

Maybe I'll have a few, but later.

You see, grapes,
they don't agree with me.

Also, I shouldn't be eating chocolate.

Now, a banana? Yes.
I will say yes to a banana.

But later. I shall have to eat it later.

Come along now, out you go.

I've been telling you before
about coming in here.

I come here to visit my friends,
my customers.

I was a watchmaker, everything, bikes...

-Bikes?
-Whatever.

But bikes, I was the king.

Everybody who had a bike comes to me.

Sixpence down, you ride to work,
to South end, everywhere.

Have a chocolate, sister.
Eat, eat, bubala.

Why walk? Rabinsky has a bike for you.

I was one of the first people
who stopped walking.

And then I saved shoe leather.

I was... I was a benefactor.

And watches? Watches, this...

Stop that. They're his.

When God decreed food should grow,
he didn't say who should eat it.

He did not say,
"This is yours and this is his,

"and thou shalt not eat of it."

Out you go!

You should be smote!
How you should be smote!

You are denying God's generous work
to his children!

Oy vey!

Yes, well. Now, here's an example
of what I mean.

Old and helpless,
unable to care for themselves.

A burden on their relatives
and the state.

This is one of the problems
medical science is creating.

What are we to do with them?

You see, our ability to prolong life

beyond an adequate degree
of self-support

is a dog's dinner
of a mixed blessing, I think. Agreed?

Well, what have we got?

Hmm.

Yeah, "hip replacement". Hmm.

Well, now, you see, there's talk of
an age limit for this type of surgery.

We have to draw the line somewhere.

Lack of resources will
enforce some kind of limit.

But there's many still believe
in keeping the old banger going.

Ahhh!

Any pain?

There may be some. It's difficult
to say. He's such a bad patient.

Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm.

This one belongs to Mr Doggerel,
doesn't he?

He's doing the replacement.

Hmm, yes, fascinating business,
spare parts.

They're bolting together all sorts
of add-ons these days.

Well, it's engineering, really.

Yes, Doggerel is more of a mechanic
than a surgeon.

I know. I know what I'll do.

I'll buy him a soldering iron
and a fret saw for Christmas.

Merry Christmas to you. Come along.

I'm surprised he got in there so quick
with that hip.

I mean, some have waited for years.

Yeah, it's his daughter,
very friendly with that new doctor.

-What, uh...
-Mmm.

-Get away. Is he...
-Yeah.

Also, it's that blackie.

With this council, black up,
put on a woman's skirt, turn queer.

-He's got him living with him, isn't he?
-Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, he'll be getting
brownie points there, won't he?

Is that the leg they're
going to chop about?

Yeah.

The surgeon marked that his self,
so's there won't be no mistakes.

Well, you don't want them
doing the wrong one.

Be careful if you have
a bath tonight, Alf.

You don't want to wash that off.

-I had a bath this morning, didn't I?
-Oh.

Thought there was something different
about you.

You wouldn't think the surgeon
would have to mark it.

You'd think he'd know which one it was.

I'd worry if that was me.

No, they just want to be sure.

Well, I should hope so.

Yeah, well, Alf won't be the only one
they're doing, will he?

No, there'll be a few of them.

Well, I mean, they're not going
to expect a top-grade surgeon

drag all the way down here
just for old Alf.

They've got to make it worth his while.
He probably gets paid by the dozen.

Do they make a lot of money
doing that sort of thing?

Oh, yeah, thousands.

It's about £2,000 if you go private.

Yeah, well, if he only does a dozen
tomorrow, you see, that'lL..

You see, the fact
they've marked the leg,

that means they'll be wheeling him in.

Oh, they work hard then, hmm.

That's £24,000.

Blimey, for that money,
no wonder it's a closed shop.

I mean, you wouldn't have to have
not much more skill with a knife

cutting meat than
an ordinary, average butcher, would you?

I don't want him nowhere near me like
that, doesn't matter how fast he went.

No, there's a big difference.
They're cutting people who are alive.

I mean, one slip and...

It's not a side of pork, you know.

Well, it's no skin off their nose,
alive or...

Well, they just get the same money.
They don't dock nothing for...

Ooh, not in front of... Shh.

I see the Hammers lost again.

They shouldn't work them so hard.

I mean, if that man's got to be
chopping up dozens of people,

well, that causes mistakes.

My poor sister, I told you.

She was in here.

This is where it happened.

Could have been this bed.

Not now!

I'm sure Mr Garnett doesn't want
to hear about that.

Mr Garnett wants cheering up.
Don't you, Mr Garnett?

You're upsetting Mr Garnett.

-Iknow how it's done.
-Fred...

No, they're very clever people.
Mr Garnett is in very good hands.

It's a very simple operation.
It's what they call minor.

-Very minor. There's no worry about it.
-No?

-Not dangerous?
-Not a bit.

That's what happened to my sister
when she come in here.

When she come in here,
there was nothing wrong with her at all.

She didn't have hip replacement,
though, did she?

No, nothing as complicated as that.

Hip replacement is not complicated.

No, ha-ha! Don't you worry, Mr Garnett.

My Fred knows all about it,
don't you, Fred?

What they do, they slash the buttocks,
and pull the whole lot away.

-And then they dislocate it.
-Fred...

And then they saw off
the top of the thighbone,

the knuckle part of it.

A lot of people ask for that afterwards,
take it home with them.

-What, for a souvenir?
-Yeah.

Or the dog.

Yeah, but that's if you're private.

Because if you're on National Health,

they keep hold of it
and they sell it as fertiliser.

-Or dog food.
-Yeah.

Then they take this metal spike,
which is made of titanium,

which is as strong as steel,
but much lighter.

It's used in aircraft and spacecraft.

And on the end is a ball, on the end,
and that's your new hip joint.

Then they whack that with a mallet

right into the marrow
at the top of the thigh.

Now, they may find,
when they start whacking at it,

that they can't get it in.

If they can't get it in,
they get hold of a drill.

It's just an ordinary drill,
like a regular Black & Decker,

and then they ream out a decent hole,

and then they pour in acrylic cement.

That's like glue,
but it sets hard as a rock.

But while it's setting,
it don't half generate some heat.

You know, someone your age, they might
not give you a general an aesthetic.

They may give you a spinal injection,

which'll merely paralyse you
from the waist down.

Now, that means you could watch it!
You could sit there and watch it!

Come on, do it! Go on!
Go for watching it! I'd watch it!

They might even let me watch it!

I love watching operations, don't I?
I watch them on the television, don't I?

Oh, yes, he can sit
and eat his dinner, watching.

Oh, I love them!

Yeah, I like to watch women
having babies.

I volunteered!
I volunteered to watch it.

But it's only husbands.

I'm sorry, but only two visitors
are allowed at a time.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Two of you can stay.

(ALL ARGUING)

I can't stay, but before I go,
may the Lord have mercy...

Get off!

We pray, Lord,
for this poor sinner's blessing,

and may you, Father Almighty,
have mercy on his soul.

And dear Mother of God,
help him through what is to come.

I'll get a mass said for you.

Now, let's hope.
I mean, that's all we can do is hope.

Amen.

Oh, poor Mr Garnett!

-Come on, come on.
-Don't worry, he'll pull through.

There must be a mass for this.

Goodbye, Mr Garnett.

Cheerio, Mr Garnett. Keep smiling.

Never mind, Mr Garnett. Soon be over.

Oh, God.

(CLICKING ON FLOOR)

# I'm going home for Christmas #

# Across the Irish Sea #

Ah, me little beauty!

Now, not so fast! Not so fast!

Come on, give us a kiss!

Give us a kiss for Christmas, eh?

(LAUGHING)

Oh, you're trembling, me little beauty.

Ah, but don't be frightened.
Don't be frightened.

It's just a kiss I want.

Make a lonely Irishman happy
and give us a kiss for Christmas.

Oh!

A bare bum! Oh, you cheeky hussy!

A bare bum, eh?
You've got no knickers on!

Oh, you cheeky hussy!

Eh, now, don't pull
the old innocent thing with me, now.

Ah, you've got no knickers.
what do you expect?

Now, come on!
Let's see what I've got for you.

Ahhh!

Bloody Jesus!

What kind of thing are you!

ALF: Mrs Hollingbery!

Mrs Hollingbery!

Oh, God!

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMS)

It's him! Died and back from the dead!

Oh, please, God!
Please, God, take him back there!

Or wherever it is you banished him to.

Oh, please, Lord,
save me from this evil!

Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

(INCOHERENT PLEADING)

It's me! It's me!

(SCREAMING)

Oh, I know who it is, you swine!

Get back! Get back!

Go! Be gone!
Oh, what have I done to deserve this?

Oh, Holy Mary, Mother of God,
pray for us sinners...

No, I'm not dead. I'm not a ghost.

Eh?

For crying out loud, I'm not a ghost,
you silly, great pudding!

You!

-It's you!
-Yes, it's me!

What are you doing here?
You should be in hospital.

I mean, where's your clothes?
You've got no clothes on.

Oh, you disgusting, filthy,
indecent wretch!

Get away!

-No, you get away! You go!
-Get away from me!

-You get away!
-No, you get away!

You get away!
You get up to your own bloody room.

Sod off! Go on!

You swine!

You've come back here
to ruin my Christmas,

like you ruined it last year.

You're supposed to be ill,
lying in bed, dying!

I knew it was too good to be true!

And Merry Christmas to you, too.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

All right, all right, I'm coming!

I ain't bloody deaf.
What's the matter with you?

Yes?

I've come to look at the flat,
my sister who lives upstairs.

Well, the man who Lives here,
he's away in hospital,

and my sister says
he's not expected to recover.

God bless his soul.

And so I should get me name down quick
for the flat,

before anyone else gets wind of it.

It's a bit sordid, she says,
a bit dirty.

But nothing that hot water
and carbolic can't cure.

Is this it?

Mmm, she's right.
it'll need plenty of scrubbing.

(SNIFFS) And plenty of carbolic, too.

Will it? will it?

Well, you can take your carbolic,
missus,

and use it where it'll do more good!

(BLANKETY BLANK THEME
PLAYS ON TELEVISION)

Shut up!

Crap.

Ah, they can stick their Christmas.

If this is what he sent his son
down here for, to save this lot,

he was wasting his time.

You're too easy on them, Lord!

You ought to come down here
and give them all a good thumping!

Let them know
what you mean by Christianity.

I'd give them defy me if I was God,
cor blimey!

I'd be down here with
a bloody, big stick, I would.

I'd teach them how to behave
like Christians, I would.

Oh, they wouldn't defy me
if I was the Christian God.

Who are you talking to?

Nobody. Mind your own business.

Are you coming upstairs?

No! Upstairs with her?
I wouldn't demean myself.

But she's having a party.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

WINSTON: Merry Christmas, luv!

MAN: Merry Christmas!

What are you doing here?
Thought you were having an operation.

Igave up my bed, if you must know.

I gave it up for someone
who needed it more than me.

It's Christmas, innit?

Time of good will to all men.

Done my bit towards it.

-You coming upstairs to the party then?
-No.

You ain't going to sit down here
on your own, are you?

I've got things to do.

What have you got to do, Mr Garnett?

Look, there's more to Christmas
than eating and boozing.

Oh, that's what I always say.

It ought to be more holy day,
which a lot seem to forget.

You've done your share
of eating today, dear.

Not without thinking about
those less fortunate.

Yeah, 15lb turkey, not much left of it.

We had a bit of pork,
just enough for two, but plenty.

If I'd known you was going to be
on your own, Alf...

And who did you think I was with, eh?

MRS HOLLINGBERY: Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo!
You coming up?

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Coming!

-Are you going to come up?
-No.

ARTHUR: Mrs Hollingbery said
you were coming upstairs...

No!

No, no, no!

If they went on their bended knees to me
I wouldn't.

I may be poor, but I've got my pride.

They've had it with me.
As far as I'm concerned, they've had it.

Stuff their Christmas.

They can stick their party.

I don't need their party.
I'll have me own party.

I... I'LL enjoy me self
much better on me own.

I'll have a nice, quiet little party,
all to myself.

I'm happy.

(LAUGHING FROM UPSTAIRS)

I'm happy, too.

They're not the only ones
who can enjoy theirs elves.

WINSTON: Mr Garnett,
are you coming up here?

There's a drink poured out
for you up here.

MRS HOLLINGBERY: Come on, Mr Garnett.
Come on!

It's Christmas!

Oh, well.

Can't be too hard on 'em, I suppose.

It's Christmas, innit?

Right.

MRS HOLLINGBERY:
Mind that loose stair rod, Mr Garnett.

Only I've polished underneath it.

ALF: Ow!

(SCREAMING)

(SIREN WAILING)

It's a lovely flat. Would suit me.

Cheerio, Mr Garnett! Merry...

-Fred!
-(STUTTERING) Oh, now...

-Better New Year, eh?
-She's not having my flat.

Shh-shh.

Marigold, you tell her
she's not having my flat!

You're not having my flat!

# Now my old darling
they've laid her down fo rest

# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart

# But they don't give a monkey's
down at the DHSS

# And they've been holding on to
me pension from the start

# So it won't be very long
before I buy a song

# Then I'll probably starve to death
that's what I'll do

# For richer or poor
I'm bloody poor and that's a fact

# Just 'cause in sickness and in health
I said I do

# In sickness and in health
I said I do #