In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 3, Episode 6 - Episode #3.6 - full transcript
On a boiling hot summer day Alf goes to the DHSS to complain that he should have had more money in last...
# Now my old darling
they've laid her down fo rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved
me pension for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# "Cause I'll probably starve to death
that's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
Bloody poorer that's a fact
# Just 'cause in sickness and in health
I said I do
# In sickness and in health
I said I do #
Bloody hot, innit?
Should've thought you'd be
used to the heat.
-Why?
-Well, where you come from.
I've told you umpteen times,
I was born here. Hmm.
(SIGHS)
Where your genes come from
I'm talking about.
Marks and Sparks.
You know what I mean, funny-cuts.
Your past, your roots.
Oh, I'd love to know your roots,
mongrel.
(BARKING)
What?
Oh! Oh, it's hot, innit?
Another party heard from.
Ain't it marvellous, eh?
A few hot days, everybody's moaning.
You wait till winter, you'll be
looking back on this bit of weather
wishing we still had it.
-I won't.
-You will.
No, I don't like the heat.
Prefer to sit and freeze, do you?
Prefer to sit there with the icy
cold wind blowing through the house,
too cold to shiver even.
If you was any kind a man at all,
you'd block up some of the holes
it whistles through.
Can't yet, can we?
We need them holes this weather,
a bit of air conditioning.
Cool the house down a bit.
That's the trouble with this country.
It's either too hot or too cold,
there's no happy medium, is there?
Oh, Gordon Bennett,
it's bloody hot though, innit?
Who wants to see all that? At her age.
She was at Communion last Sunday, too.
I don't know what
you've got your shirt off for.
You won't get no browner.
I'm not trying to get any browner,
I'm trying to cool off.
I'm brown enough.
A bit too brown
for some people's liking.
It's not a colour that
does you any favours, is it?
Shall I tell you a few good things
about this colour, shall I?
-Are you sitting comfortably...
-Get off of me.
If you're shy, it hides your blushes.
If you drink too much,
it hides your blotches.
If you get really frightened,
you don't go white with fear.
The first drop of sunshine
I don't have to go rushing out into it
to try and get brown.
Because I am brown all the year round.
Even in winter, when your pinky people
is looking very white and pasty,
I am still this beautiful,
gorgeous brown.
Black.
No, bwana. Brown. This is brown.
Them holes in your face full of dirt,
now that's black.
Blackheads.
(WINSTON LAUGHING)
Under your fingernails, see, black.
Your teeth, except for the ones
that are other colours, black.
My teeth, they're my own.
If they was mine, I'd have them all out.
Nothing wrong with them.
I pull corks out of bottles with them.
Bwana, if you had a white one,
you would have a snooker set.
Shut up!
Look. I am happy with my colour.
There's people who spend
hundreds of pounds
and work hard at it
just to get my colour.
Hmm. It's just a bit difficult when
you try and find somewhere to live.
You've got somewhere to live.
(SCOFFS)
Look, if you're not
happy here, Marigold...
I didn't say I wasn't happy.
Be careful you don't burn out here, huh?
It's a pity you don't grow some flowers
out here.
What flowers would wanna grow out here?
Well, anything would be better than
them few stinging nettles
and dock leaves
you got growing over there.
I've got? Look, they're yours
just as much as mine.
Oh, thank you.
Disgusting this backyard is.
Nobody's forcing you to stand out here.
If either of you was a gentleman,
I wouldn't have to.
-Sorry, Mrs Hollingbery. Have a seat.
-No, thank you.
No, no. I wouldn't trust me self. No.
Looks as rotten and decrepit
as everything else out here.
Get off! Get off!
I see you brought the flies out here
with you.
Well, it's you they're settling on.
They wasn't here before
you come out here.
At least they're our own flies.
What are you talking about,
our own flies?
Don't matter
whose flies they are, do it?
Well, if they're our own flies, I mean,
at least we know
where they've been, don't we?
You silly, great puddin".
Flies ain't like mice.
You can have your own mice,
you can't have your own flies.
-The mice are not ours anyway.
-Well, it's not the point, is it?
No, they've come in from next door.
Well, they must be bloody daft
'cause I ain't got nothing for them.
Passing through on the way
to the corner shop, I should think.
(HENS CACKLING)
Oh, dear. Oh, Lord, it is hot.
You'd think they'd find some way
of conserving some of this heat,
wouldn't you?
I mean, nature...
Nature's not all that marvellous, is it?
I mean, it's too cold in winter,
too hot in the summer.
If nature was that clever,
it would spread it out a bit.
Well, if God was
to use a bit more common sense...
If you've got to go down the DHSS,
-you wanna get out of the sun.
-Look, never you mind about it.
You go over the road and make sure
Arthur's got the beer. Go on.
All right. I'll put it on ice.
MRS HOLLINGBERY:
Here, you having a party?
WINSTON: No.
We're going to watch the cricket.
See, we can watch it out here
because I'm gonna set up an extension.
-WINSTON: You!
-Yes.
You get yourself too brown,
and the DHSS will think
you're just back from your holidays
in the south of France.
You wanna get more money out of them,
you wanna look all white
and drawn and sickly.
He does.
They might think I'm a migrant,
just off the boat.
Then I'll have no trouble
getting money out of them, will I?
Are they laying?
Nah, nothing again.
I can't understand it.
It's been going on like this
for weeks now.
They make like they're laying
but there's nothing there.
I've changed their diet.
Can't understand it,
they was good layers.
Right, well, I'll be off.
-Oops!
-Sorry, Alf.
Gordon Bennett!
Bloody hell, look at it.
Same old bloody faces, innit?
Face like a busted sofa, that one.
Filthy dump this is, innit?
Well, a touch of paint wouldn't hurt,
would it?
You don't know who's been sitting
on these seats, do you?
Oh, dear.
I don't know why they don't
paint the place up a bit.
Hand out the paint brushes
with the Giro, eh?
Well, they've got enough
unemployed painters, ain't they?
Got enough unemployed everything.
-I've been to...
-Now, don't start on me, missus.
I've enough problems of me own.
-Hey, you gonna be long?
-Take a seat.
Look, I'm not unemployed.
I ain't come here begging.
-Take a seat.
-What, you on the go-slow again
are you or something?
-Take a seat.
-"Take a seat! Take a seat!"
What, they wind you up in the morning,
do they?
They've got the cheek to go
on strike for more money, that lot.
-It's the govern...
-Don't talk to me about the government.
It'll be a new government by the time
they get around to serving us.
Hey! Can you get lunch here?
Could do with a bed here,
the speed they work at.
I mean, if they can't attend to you,
they shouldn't invite you up here.
I'm a busy man. I'm an old-age
pensioner, I've got things to do.
Mr Garnett.
Ready for me, are you?
Was just gonna borrow
some paper and pencil and write home.
This way.
"Take a seat! Take a seat!"
(BLOWING A RASPBERRY)
Sit down.
How are you?
We all so look forward to these visits.
-I've come about me money.
-What else?
Oh, yes. We wrote to you.
I wouldn't be here if you didn't,
would I?
-Just refreshing my memory.
-I could do with a bit of refreshment.
It's a bloody long walk up here
in this heat, I tell you.
Well, with a bit of luck
this shouldn't take too Long
and you can be away before
the pubs shut.
They can stay shut for all the good
I get out of them the money you give me.
You're querying the £5 extra
the government allowed for heat
last winter.
-That's correct.
-But you've received that £5.
Not what I'm entitled to, I ain't.
-Yes, you have.
-No. Let me explain.
-There is no explaining to do.
-Yes, there is.
I've checked. You've received the £5.
Not the £5 I'm talking about.
What £5 are you talking about?
The extra that I think I'm entitled to
for living on the end of a terrace.
If you live in the middle of a terrace,
you are warmer
than those who live on
the end of it, right?
I'm not quite with you.
People who live in the middle
of a terrace are warmer
because they can gain up to
1.5 centigrades of heat
from the neighbours
who live on either side of them.
Plus, another 1.5 centigrades or more
from the neighbours who live
beneath them.
I mean, you don't have to be Einstein
to work that one out, do you?
If you live upstairs, you are warmer
than the people who live downstairs
because heat rises
and spreads itself out.
So, those who live downstairs
on the end of a terrace
should be given more severe
weather allowance than the others.
Well, it's obvious, innit?
I mean, so it follows.
Then the more fuel the downstairs burns,
the more benefit in additionally
upstairs receives and next door.
So, it's not unreasonable to ask
that upstairs and next door
should contribute
to the cost of the extra heat
both are benefiting
from the unlucky sod
who lives downstairs,
who has to burn all that extra fuel
just to keep his self warm.
-And that's you.
-That is me. Right. And it ain't fair.
-Well, hmm. You have a point, of course.
-A point, a point.
But I'm not sure what view
the authorities will take of it.
Sod the authorities.
-I'll make a note.
-Yeah, and file it away somewhere.
-Have you tried lagging?
-Lagging?
How is it I'm going to lag?
I mean, how do you expect her upstairs
to let me lay lots of lagging
all over her floor, eh?
And another thing.
This pamphlet of yours,
"Warmth In Winter".
Pathetic.
"How to keep warm in winter?
Hot water bottles."
And who's gonna pay for the gas
to hot the water
to put in them bottles, eh?
Answer me that!
What about this? What about this?
"Keep a well-stocked store cupboard."
We aren't all Paul Gettys, you know.
Here, look, look, "Have plenty of
hot meals and hot drinks..."
Hot this, hot that. It's all hot, innit?
Hot, hot.
Hot cost money, my dear.
Hot is expensive, hot is.
Who writes this bloody rubbish, eh?
They got a medical council on now
on about...
On about overeating.
"The dangers of overeating."
And for your information
that is overeating without an.
Here, look, they've got more here.
Health warnings.
Health warnings on smoking
and drink abuse.
"The dangers of drinking and driving."
Oh, dear.
What's this? "Stick to a sensible,
balanced diet
"with plenty of fresh fruits, vegetables
and fibres to avoid heart attacks."
I mean, how can I afford to stick to
a diet like that on an old-age pension?
Where do they think
I'm gonna get the money from
to buy all the fresh fruit and veggies
and everything they want me to eat, eh?
Well, you tell them to stop worrying,
my dear,
because I can't afford to eat or do
anything that's dangerous to my health.
I can't afford to get up in the morning,
I can't.
I can't afford to smoke
or drink properly.
I ain't got a car. So I can't afford
to drive sober, let alone drunk.
I'll probably live forever, I will,
because I can't afford to do anything
that's bad for me.
What are they saving us for? What the
bloody hell are they saving us for?
They don't want us, do they?
I mean, you live,
you live to draw your old-age pension.
And then you lot try and starve us
or freeze us to death.
I'll tell you something,
the punishment for living too long
is become an old-age pensioner.
it'll happen to you, don't you worry.
You'll see, your turn will come.
You're well on the way now.
Thank you.
Oh, no of fence. I'm just
speaking my mind, that's all.
So look, you wanna help me?
You got any Christian feeling
left in you?
Well, some of you do. I admit that.
You're not all as hard-faced
as you look.
You wanna... You wanna help me?
Let me do a bit of wheelchair pushing.
-Wheelchair pushing?
-Yeah, I've done the knowledge.
You know that. I pushed my wife around,
God rest her soul, for years.
You know that.
I know this area
like the back of my hand.
I can push them anywhere,
anywhere they wanna go.
West Ham, up the pub, anywhere.
Are you volunteering
for social activity?
I'm not volunteering for nothing,
missus. I was in the army.
One thing you learn is you don't
volunteer unless you're ordered.
No, I am talking
about earning a few bob.
You want paying?
Cor blimey, you get paid for doing this,
don't you?
You get paid.
-You're too old, Mr Garnett...
-Oh, yes.
-...to be employed at social work.
-Thank you, thank you. That is charming.
You can see how
your bureaucratic mind works, don't you?
I'm too old to get paid for it
but I'm not too old to do it
for nothing, am I?
I'm sorry, Mr Garnett.
All right, well, on your own head
be it, missus.
Well, I'll tell you something,
it would be a bloody sight cheaper
for you to keep me alive this winter
then bury me.
Because I ain't got no money.
You'll have to provide the trappings
to put me under the ground.
I've paid for my last funeral
when I had the wife put down.
Now, I don't give a monkey's!
You want me under the ground?
You pay for the bloody hole.
I'll tell you something.
If I go this winter,
I'm going to buy a bloody great stamp,
stick it on me forehead
and get me self delivered here!
Can't you watch the cricket
in your house, then?
No, my missus hates all sport.
But you're the man in the house, though.
She doesn't like me in the house.
She never has done.
Before I retired,
when I used to come home from work,
she used to allow me an hour
to have me supper.
Then she started getting edgy.
"Ain't you going out?
All other men go out," she'd say.
"They sit in the pub. Why can't you?"
Didn't you have any children?
I was never in the house long enough.
Now I'm retired, I sit in the room,
she says, "How long are you going to be
sitting in that room?"
I go to move, she says, "Don't go
in that room, I just cleaned it."
She's never happy
till I leave the house.
See, when I was working...
It was different when I was working.
I had somewhere to go, you see.
I was out all day.
Now I go in the park or the pub
or the library.
It's not so bad
when the weather is fine.
But what do you do at night?
I mean, after the pubs close.
You must go home at night.
Oh, she's not too bad then.
As long as she knows
there's nowhere else I can go,
she puts up with it.
Didn't you ever think about divorce?
Hmm? No. Never no need, really.
Well, see, in a way we...
Well, we were suited.
Hardly ever a cross word.
Well, not from me.
You never hardly meet.
Just as well, I suppose.
See, she's a good woman.
A bit hard to get on with, I would say.
But you know, I mean,
if I had to criticise...
Oh, gawd, there's another one out.
This is jolly fine cricket.
Jolly fine cricket!
It's a very fine side
the Pakistanis have.
And Imran Khan, oh, he's a prince
among cricketers.
Where is Mr Garnett?
He should be here to see this.
Yeah, he'd be well pleased.
He likes cricket and football.
Yeah, he enjoyed the Falklands, too.
This is very fine cricket.
He would like this.
It's a shame he's not here.
Does he know that you're here?
It will be a surprise.
Mrs Hollingbery invited me.
She said, "Come and watch cricket.
We have television in backyard
"and some very good beer."
I do not drink beer. I am teetotaller.
But I am enjoying British custom.
Whoo! Another one out! Another one out!
Oh, this is... Mr Garnett,
this is a very fine cricket.
What's this, the League of Nations?
(SHUSHING)
Mr Garnett, you're just in time.
This is a very fine game of cricket
and it's not over yet.
-Who said he...
-Mrs Hollingbery.
-Oi, sabu.
-Mr Garnett,
I brought you some of
your favourite tobacco
for being most kind to allow me
to watch such very good cricket.
Oh.
Well, aren't you going to say thank you?
Yeah, well, thank you.
This is a very fine game, Mr Garnett.
It's a pity your team is playing like...
What do you say, Marigold?
Like a load of wallies.
But never mind,
they're losing in English style.
Very graciously.
Oh! Oh! Another one out!
This is very good cricket.
Cricket. Nothing else is on?
Cricket. A terrible game.
Football. Why is there no football?
If it was football, we would beat them.
why is it no football?
-Who invited him?
-Nobody.
He just walked in and sat down.
Oh!
Another one out!
Oh, this is very good cricket!
Hey, hey, that was never out.
That was never out. He cheated.
Here, look, look, Both am knows.
Yeah, Both am, he's telling him.
Go on, whack him one. Go on.
Go in, Ian, clout him, bloody coons.
Oh, I mean, that's not cricket, is it?
I mean, if you can't win fair.
We will win fair, we are winning fair.
-Like that? Cheating like that?
-Imran Khan is not a cheat.
Well, it's the game that's the
important thing, innit? Not who wins.
Play the game. That's the British way.
That's the Pakistani way, too.
We are playing the game.
Better than us, that's all.
Us?
Us? Where did you get the "us" from
all of a sudden? Eh?
We beat your lot out in Australia, mate.
That is my lot getting whacked
by the Pakistanis.
Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?
And who was you shouting for
when we played the West Indies?
Who was your lot then, eh?
Answer me that, go on.
I felt very deeply for England's loss,
bwana.
But I'm a sportsman,
I must applaud superior cricket.
You're a bloody turncoat, that's what
you are. Get out of my chair.
Here he is, here's Mr Kittel. Oi, here.
He wants to know if you sell eggs.
Oh, no, I do not. I do not sell eggs.
Oh, well, I'll have to go
up the high street, then.
I mean, my wife, she loves her eggs
and me chickens are not laying.
I mean, when they was laying,
we had all the eggs we want.
I'm a bit out of touch
where to get them. Fresh eggs, I mean.
Ask Mr Garnett.
He gets lovely eggs, he does,
from somewhere.
Really fresh they are.
With muck and feathers
stuck all over them.
Wonderful big yolks.
Yeah, he let me have a couple.
Yeah, ask him where he gets them from.
-Mr Garnett...
-Shut up.
I'm trying to watch cricket, ain't I?
Eggs are not good for you.
Eggs is too much cholesterol.
Your wife should try to live
without eggs.
I do not sell eggs.
But if you want to buy eggs,
I will sell eggs.
-Chickens are better.
-I do not sell chickens.
-I got chickens.
-So, kill the chickens and make soup.
Chickens make better soup than eggs.
And you know, in the old country,
my mother's sister, my auntie,
she had two chickens.
One got sick,
so she killed the other one,
she made soup,
she fed it to the sick one.
In no time it was running around
like a two-year-old.
A good chicken soup is health giving.
(SNORING)
Ooh, he's soundo.
I wonder what he's dreaming of.
Well, it's a happy dream.
(ARTHUR CHUCKLING)
He'll be off somewhere enjoying himself.
COMMENTATOR: And a dramatic moment
here at Lords.
We've found a really remarkable batsman.
I don't know where they got him.
They've tried everything to get him out.
They've tried speed,
they've tried seam, spin.
He just needs 10 now to make 400 runs.
Individual runs, that's right.
And there it is,
going through extra cover.
And that's going to be a four.
Yes, a magnificent four
through extra cover,
the crowd standing up for him.
He must be feeling a bit nervous,
Just doing a bit of gardening there.
He's only got one pad,
must've left one in the pavilion.
But he's looking very calm.
Just needs six for 400 individual runs.
And there's the bowler, Jackson,
very fast bowler.
Will he try and stop this 4007
394 now, and here he comes in now,
and this is it/
It's a six, is it going to be?
Yes, it's a six!
Up into the corner of the grandstand
and he has made 400 runs here,
a feat never achieved before at Lords,
acknowledged with a cheer of the crowd.
But what a magnificent cricketer
this man ls.
And so modest and loveable.
# Rule Britannia marmalade and jam #
Look, I had a phone call, see,
from Lords. From the MCC.
"Mr Garnett, Alf," they said,
"can you help us?
"We want our revenge on the coons.
"The West Indies, they beat us 5-0.
"And now the Pakistanis have
done us by an innings. Can you help?"
I said, "Hold on," I said,
"I'll oil me bat. I'll get my pads.
"I'LL get a taxi,
I'm straight down to Lords."
I'm opening the batting for England.
I scorn the use of a protective helmet
and a box.
First ball, Imran Khan,
he comes thundering in.
Bang! Wallop! Eight.
"Six," they said. "Come off it,"
I said. "That's worth more than six."
They had to get a taxi
to get the ball back.
Next ball, wallop!
Out of the bleeding ground.
They're going mad, the crowd,
all the coons are yelling,
"Go home, you bald headed honky bastard!
"Go on, bounce one of his bald nut,"
they're saying.
Next ball. wallop!
Right in amongst them.
Ooh! You should have
seen the buggers scatter.
There was eight curry shops
couldn't open that night.
I said, "You golliwogs,
let's have you. Come on.
"Let's have your fast bowlers.
"This is Alfie Garnett here,
not fat-guts bloody Both am."
Come on.
I hit 48 off the first over.
I was 179 not out by lunch.
I said, "Never mind about lunch."
I said, "I'll bat right through.
"Come on, let's have you."
"No, no," they said. "No, no.
"We've got to take lunch,
we've got to take lunch."
They soon pick up our ways, don't they?
I go in the pavilion.
There's our Majesty
the Queen stood there, duchess.
She got tears in her eyes.
"Sir Alfred," she said.
"Sir?" I said.
"It's in the post," she said.
"Sir Alfred," she said,
"we want you to take over
the captaincy of England.”
Bobby Robson walks in, he says,
"You can't have him, ma'am.
"We want him for
the England football team."
"I accept your resignation," she said.
"It's about time we had someone decent
in charge of our football."
I left them arguing the toss. I go out.
I'm opening the bowling for England.
First ball, first ball.
Gordon Greenidge,
brave man for a darkie.
He comes up with a front foot,
he attempts a cover drive.
Bang! I broke his bat.
I left him holding the handle.
"Who is this?
Look what you done to my bat."
I said, "Have a look behind you, Sambo,
"see what I done
to your bleeding stumps."
Next ball, Desmond Haynes.
Wallop! LBW. He won't forget
that day in a hurry.
I broke his leg
through the bleeding pads.
That'll put an end to his limbo dancing.
Next ball, Viv Richards,
West Indies captain.
He stood there,
he see me come charging in.
I tell you, he's trembling like a leaf.
He's turned white with terror, he has.
Well, white as a coon can turn.
I'm on me hat-trick!
I'm on me hat-trick!
You know, all the girls,
they're all going mad and veiling,
"Alfie! Alfie! We want Alfie!"
They're all there, Raquel Welch,
Myrna Loy, Joan Collins.
(TRUMPETS PLAYING FANFARE)
Oh, God!
It's the old war wound, Your Majesty.
Thank you.
Yeah, I could stay to tea.
I'd like to stay to tea, yeah.
Will Philip be there?
I like his manner,
he's a man after me own heart, he is.
And young Andrew,
chip off the old block that one.
Shame about young Edward, though,
ain't it?
Never mind, eh?
Every family's got one, ain't they?
Oh, yes, Your Majesty. Yeah.
I would like another drink.
You'll get me tiddly!
Mr Garnett. Wake up, Mr Garnett.
Here's a cup of tea.
Sir Alfred!
It's in the post!
179 not out by lunch!
Oh! Alfie! Alfie!
ALL: We want Alfie!
Alfie! Alfie! We want Alfie!
Alfie...
# Now my old darling
they've laid her down fo rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved
me pension for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# "Cause I'll probably starve to death
that's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
Bloody poorer that's a fact
# Just 'cause in sickness and in health
I said I do
# In sickness and in health
I said I do #
they've laid her down fo rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved
me pension for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# "Cause I'll probably starve to death
that's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
Bloody poorer that's a fact
# Just 'cause in sickness and in health
I said I do
# In sickness and in health
I said I do #
Bloody hot, innit?
Should've thought you'd be
used to the heat.
-Why?
-Well, where you come from.
I've told you umpteen times,
I was born here. Hmm.
(SIGHS)
Where your genes come from
I'm talking about.
Marks and Sparks.
You know what I mean, funny-cuts.
Your past, your roots.
Oh, I'd love to know your roots,
mongrel.
(BARKING)
What?
Oh! Oh, it's hot, innit?
Another party heard from.
Ain't it marvellous, eh?
A few hot days, everybody's moaning.
You wait till winter, you'll be
looking back on this bit of weather
wishing we still had it.
-I won't.
-You will.
No, I don't like the heat.
Prefer to sit and freeze, do you?
Prefer to sit there with the icy
cold wind blowing through the house,
too cold to shiver even.
If you was any kind a man at all,
you'd block up some of the holes
it whistles through.
Can't yet, can we?
We need them holes this weather,
a bit of air conditioning.
Cool the house down a bit.
That's the trouble with this country.
It's either too hot or too cold,
there's no happy medium, is there?
Oh, Gordon Bennett,
it's bloody hot though, innit?
Who wants to see all that? At her age.
She was at Communion last Sunday, too.
I don't know what
you've got your shirt off for.
You won't get no browner.
I'm not trying to get any browner,
I'm trying to cool off.
I'm brown enough.
A bit too brown
for some people's liking.
It's not a colour that
does you any favours, is it?
Shall I tell you a few good things
about this colour, shall I?
-Are you sitting comfortably...
-Get off of me.
If you're shy, it hides your blushes.
If you drink too much,
it hides your blotches.
If you get really frightened,
you don't go white with fear.
The first drop of sunshine
I don't have to go rushing out into it
to try and get brown.
Because I am brown all the year round.
Even in winter, when your pinky people
is looking very white and pasty,
I am still this beautiful,
gorgeous brown.
Black.
No, bwana. Brown. This is brown.
Them holes in your face full of dirt,
now that's black.
Blackheads.
(WINSTON LAUGHING)
Under your fingernails, see, black.
Your teeth, except for the ones
that are other colours, black.
My teeth, they're my own.
If they was mine, I'd have them all out.
Nothing wrong with them.
I pull corks out of bottles with them.
Bwana, if you had a white one,
you would have a snooker set.
Shut up!
Look. I am happy with my colour.
There's people who spend
hundreds of pounds
and work hard at it
just to get my colour.
Hmm. It's just a bit difficult when
you try and find somewhere to live.
You've got somewhere to live.
(SCOFFS)
Look, if you're not
happy here, Marigold...
I didn't say I wasn't happy.
Be careful you don't burn out here, huh?
It's a pity you don't grow some flowers
out here.
What flowers would wanna grow out here?
Well, anything would be better than
them few stinging nettles
and dock leaves
you got growing over there.
I've got? Look, they're yours
just as much as mine.
Oh, thank you.
Disgusting this backyard is.
Nobody's forcing you to stand out here.
If either of you was a gentleman,
I wouldn't have to.
-Sorry, Mrs Hollingbery. Have a seat.
-No, thank you.
No, no. I wouldn't trust me self. No.
Looks as rotten and decrepit
as everything else out here.
Get off! Get off!
I see you brought the flies out here
with you.
Well, it's you they're settling on.
They wasn't here before
you come out here.
At least they're our own flies.
What are you talking about,
our own flies?
Don't matter
whose flies they are, do it?
Well, if they're our own flies, I mean,
at least we know
where they've been, don't we?
You silly, great puddin".
Flies ain't like mice.
You can have your own mice,
you can't have your own flies.
-The mice are not ours anyway.
-Well, it's not the point, is it?
No, they've come in from next door.
Well, they must be bloody daft
'cause I ain't got nothing for them.
Passing through on the way
to the corner shop, I should think.
(HENS CACKLING)
Oh, dear. Oh, Lord, it is hot.
You'd think they'd find some way
of conserving some of this heat,
wouldn't you?
I mean, nature...
Nature's not all that marvellous, is it?
I mean, it's too cold in winter,
too hot in the summer.
If nature was that clever,
it would spread it out a bit.
Well, if God was
to use a bit more common sense...
If you've got to go down the DHSS,
-you wanna get out of the sun.
-Look, never you mind about it.
You go over the road and make sure
Arthur's got the beer. Go on.
All right. I'll put it on ice.
MRS HOLLINGBERY:
Here, you having a party?
WINSTON: No.
We're going to watch the cricket.
See, we can watch it out here
because I'm gonna set up an extension.
-WINSTON: You!
-Yes.
You get yourself too brown,
and the DHSS will think
you're just back from your holidays
in the south of France.
You wanna get more money out of them,
you wanna look all white
and drawn and sickly.
He does.
They might think I'm a migrant,
just off the boat.
Then I'll have no trouble
getting money out of them, will I?
Are they laying?
Nah, nothing again.
I can't understand it.
It's been going on like this
for weeks now.
They make like they're laying
but there's nothing there.
I've changed their diet.
Can't understand it,
they was good layers.
Right, well, I'll be off.
-Oops!
-Sorry, Alf.
Gordon Bennett!
Bloody hell, look at it.
Same old bloody faces, innit?
Face like a busted sofa, that one.
Filthy dump this is, innit?
Well, a touch of paint wouldn't hurt,
would it?
You don't know who's been sitting
on these seats, do you?
Oh, dear.
I don't know why they don't
paint the place up a bit.
Hand out the paint brushes
with the Giro, eh?
Well, they've got enough
unemployed painters, ain't they?
Got enough unemployed everything.
-I've been to...
-Now, don't start on me, missus.
I've enough problems of me own.
-Hey, you gonna be long?
-Take a seat.
Look, I'm not unemployed.
I ain't come here begging.
-Take a seat.
-What, you on the go-slow again
are you or something?
-Take a seat.
-"Take a seat! Take a seat!"
What, they wind you up in the morning,
do they?
They've got the cheek to go
on strike for more money, that lot.
-It's the govern...
-Don't talk to me about the government.
It'll be a new government by the time
they get around to serving us.
Hey! Can you get lunch here?
Could do with a bed here,
the speed they work at.
I mean, if they can't attend to you,
they shouldn't invite you up here.
I'm a busy man. I'm an old-age
pensioner, I've got things to do.
Mr Garnett.
Ready for me, are you?
Was just gonna borrow
some paper and pencil and write home.
This way.
"Take a seat! Take a seat!"
(BLOWING A RASPBERRY)
Sit down.
How are you?
We all so look forward to these visits.
-I've come about me money.
-What else?
Oh, yes. We wrote to you.
I wouldn't be here if you didn't,
would I?
-Just refreshing my memory.
-I could do with a bit of refreshment.
It's a bloody long walk up here
in this heat, I tell you.
Well, with a bit of luck
this shouldn't take too Long
and you can be away before
the pubs shut.
They can stay shut for all the good
I get out of them the money you give me.
You're querying the £5 extra
the government allowed for heat
last winter.
-That's correct.
-But you've received that £5.
Not what I'm entitled to, I ain't.
-Yes, you have.
-No. Let me explain.
-There is no explaining to do.
-Yes, there is.
I've checked. You've received the £5.
Not the £5 I'm talking about.
What £5 are you talking about?
The extra that I think I'm entitled to
for living on the end of a terrace.
If you live in the middle of a terrace,
you are warmer
than those who live on
the end of it, right?
I'm not quite with you.
People who live in the middle
of a terrace are warmer
because they can gain up to
1.5 centigrades of heat
from the neighbours
who live on either side of them.
Plus, another 1.5 centigrades or more
from the neighbours who live
beneath them.
I mean, you don't have to be Einstein
to work that one out, do you?
If you live upstairs, you are warmer
than the people who live downstairs
because heat rises
and spreads itself out.
So, those who live downstairs
on the end of a terrace
should be given more severe
weather allowance than the others.
Well, it's obvious, innit?
I mean, so it follows.
Then the more fuel the downstairs burns,
the more benefit in additionally
upstairs receives and next door.
So, it's not unreasonable to ask
that upstairs and next door
should contribute
to the cost of the extra heat
both are benefiting
from the unlucky sod
who lives downstairs,
who has to burn all that extra fuel
just to keep his self warm.
-And that's you.
-That is me. Right. And it ain't fair.
-Well, hmm. You have a point, of course.
-A point, a point.
But I'm not sure what view
the authorities will take of it.
Sod the authorities.
-I'll make a note.
-Yeah, and file it away somewhere.
-Have you tried lagging?
-Lagging?
How is it I'm going to lag?
I mean, how do you expect her upstairs
to let me lay lots of lagging
all over her floor, eh?
And another thing.
This pamphlet of yours,
"Warmth In Winter".
Pathetic.
"How to keep warm in winter?
Hot water bottles."
And who's gonna pay for the gas
to hot the water
to put in them bottles, eh?
Answer me that!
What about this? What about this?
"Keep a well-stocked store cupboard."
We aren't all Paul Gettys, you know.
Here, look, look, "Have plenty of
hot meals and hot drinks..."
Hot this, hot that. It's all hot, innit?
Hot, hot.
Hot cost money, my dear.
Hot is expensive, hot is.
Who writes this bloody rubbish, eh?
They got a medical council on now
on about...
On about overeating.
"The dangers of overeating."
And for your information
that is overeating without an.
Here, look, they've got more here.
Health warnings.
Health warnings on smoking
and drink abuse.
"The dangers of drinking and driving."
Oh, dear.
What's this? "Stick to a sensible,
balanced diet
"with plenty of fresh fruits, vegetables
and fibres to avoid heart attacks."
I mean, how can I afford to stick to
a diet like that on an old-age pension?
Where do they think
I'm gonna get the money from
to buy all the fresh fruit and veggies
and everything they want me to eat, eh?
Well, you tell them to stop worrying,
my dear,
because I can't afford to eat or do
anything that's dangerous to my health.
I can't afford to get up in the morning,
I can't.
I can't afford to smoke
or drink properly.
I ain't got a car. So I can't afford
to drive sober, let alone drunk.
I'll probably live forever, I will,
because I can't afford to do anything
that's bad for me.
What are they saving us for? What the
bloody hell are they saving us for?
They don't want us, do they?
I mean, you live,
you live to draw your old-age pension.
And then you lot try and starve us
or freeze us to death.
I'll tell you something,
the punishment for living too long
is become an old-age pensioner.
it'll happen to you, don't you worry.
You'll see, your turn will come.
You're well on the way now.
Thank you.
Oh, no of fence. I'm just
speaking my mind, that's all.
So look, you wanna help me?
You got any Christian feeling
left in you?
Well, some of you do. I admit that.
You're not all as hard-faced
as you look.
You wanna... You wanna help me?
Let me do a bit of wheelchair pushing.
-Wheelchair pushing?
-Yeah, I've done the knowledge.
You know that. I pushed my wife around,
God rest her soul, for years.
You know that.
I know this area
like the back of my hand.
I can push them anywhere,
anywhere they wanna go.
West Ham, up the pub, anywhere.
Are you volunteering
for social activity?
I'm not volunteering for nothing,
missus. I was in the army.
One thing you learn is you don't
volunteer unless you're ordered.
No, I am talking
about earning a few bob.
You want paying?
Cor blimey, you get paid for doing this,
don't you?
You get paid.
-You're too old, Mr Garnett...
-Oh, yes.
-...to be employed at social work.
-Thank you, thank you. That is charming.
You can see how
your bureaucratic mind works, don't you?
I'm too old to get paid for it
but I'm not too old to do it
for nothing, am I?
I'm sorry, Mr Garnett.
All right, well, on your own head
be it, missus.
Well, I'll tell you something,
it would be a bloody sight cheaper
for you to keep me alive this winter
then bury me.
Because I ain't got no money.
You'll have to provide the trappings
to put me under the ground.
I've paid for my last funeral
when I had the wife put down.
Now, I don't give a monkey's!
You want me under the ground?
You pay for the bloody hole.
I'll tell you something.
If I go this winter,
I'm going to buy a bloody great stamp,
stick it on me forehead
and get me self delivered here!
Can't you watch the cricket
in your house, then?
No, my missus hates all sport.
But you're the man in the house, though.
She doesn't like me in the house.
She never has done.
Before I retired,
when I used to come home from work,
she used to allow me an hour
to have me supper.
Then she started getting edgy.
"Ain't you going out?
All other men go out," she'd say.
"They sit in the pub. Why can't you?"
Didn't you have any children?
I was never in the house long enough.
Now I'm retired, I sit in the room,
she says, "How long are you going to be
sitting in that room?"
I go to move, she says, "Don't go
in that room, I just cleaned it."
She's never happy
till I leave the house.
See, when I was working...
It was different when I was working.
I had somewhere to go, you see.
I was out all day.
Now I go in the park or the pub
or the library.
It's not so bad
when the weather is fine.
But what do you do at night?
I mean, after the pubs close.
You must go home at night.
Oh, she's not too bad then.
As long as she knows
there's nowhere else I can go,
she puts up with it.
Didn't you ever think about divorce?
Hmm? No. Never no need, really.
Well, see, in a way we...
Well, we were suited.
Hardly ever a cross word.
Well, not from me.
You never hardly meet.
Just as well, I suppose.
See, she's a good woman.
A bit hard to get on with, I would say.
But you know, I mean,
if I had to criticise...
Oh, gawd, there's another one out.
This is jolly fine cricket.
Jolly fine cricket!
It's a very fine side
the Pakistanis have.
And Imran Khan, oh, he's a prince
among cricketers.
Where is Mr Garnett?
He should be here to see this.
Yeah, he'd be well pleased.
He likes cricket and football.
Yeah, he enjoyed the Falklands, too.
This is very fine cricket.
He would like this.
It's a shame he's not here.
Does he know that you're here?
It will be a surprise.
Mrs Hollingbery invited me.
She said, "Come and watch cricket.
We have television in backyard
"and some very good beer."
I do not drink beer. I am teetotaller.
But I am enjoying British custom.
Whoo! Another one out! Another one out!
Oh, this is... Mr Garnett,
this is a very fine cricket.
What's this, the League of Nations?
(SHUSHING)
Mr Garnett, you're just in time.
This is a very fine game of cricket
and it's not over yet.
-Who said he...
-Mrs Hollingbery.
-Oi, sabu.
-Mr Garnett,
I brought you some of
your favourite tobacco
for being most kind to allow me
to watch such very good cricket.
Oh.
Well, aren't you going to say thank you?
Yeah, well, thank you.
This is a very fine game, Mr Garnett.
It's a pity your team is playing like...
What do you say, Marigold?
Like a load of wallies.
But never mind,
they're losing in English style.
Very graciously.
Oh! Oh! Another one out!
This is very good cricket.
Cricket. Nothing else is on?
Cricket. A terrible game.
Football. Why is there no football?
If it was football, we would beat them.
why is it no football?
-Who invited him?
-Nobody.
He just walked in and sat down.
Oh!
Another one out!
Oh, this is very good cricket!
Hey, hey, that was never out.
That was never out. He cheated.
Here, look, look, Both am knows.
Yeah, Both am, he's telling him.
Go on, whack him one. Go on.
Go in, Ian, clout him, bloody coons.
Oh, I mean, that's not cricket, is it?
I mean, if you can't win fair.
We will win fair, we are winning fair.
-Like that? Cheating like that?
-Imran Khan is not a cheat.
Well, it's the game that's the
important thing, innit? Not who wins.
Play the game. That's the British way.
That's the Pakistani way, too.
We are playing the game.
Better than us, that's all.
Us?
Us? Where did you get the "us" from
all of a sudden? Eh?
We beat your lot out in Australia, mate.
That is my lot getting whacked
by the Pakistanis.
Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?
And who was you shouting for
when we played the West Indies?
Who was your lot then, eh?
Answer me that, go on.
I felt very deeply for England's loss,
bwana.
But I'm a sportsman,
I must applaud superior cricket.
You're a bloody turncoat, that's what
you are. Get out of my chair.
Here he is, here's Mr Kittel. Oi, here.
He wants to know if you sell eggs.
Oh, no, I do not. I do not sell eggs.
Oh, well, I'll have to go
up the high street, then.
I mean, my wife, she loves her eggs
and me chickens are not laying.
I mean, when they was laying,
we had all the eggs we want.
I'm a bit out of touch
where to get them. Fresh eggs, I mean.
Ask Mr Garnett.
He gets lovely eggs, he does,
from somewhere.
Really fresh they are.
With muck and feathers
stuck all over them.
Wonderful big yolks.
Yeah, he let me have a couple.
Yeah, ask him where he gets them from.
-Mr Garnett...
-Shut up.
I'm trying to watch cricket, ain't I?
Eggs are not good for you.
Eggs is too much cholesterol.
Your wife should try to live
without eggs.
I do not sell eggs.
But if you want to buy eggs,
I will sell eggs.
-Chickens are better.
-I do not sell chickens.
-I got chickens.
-So, kill the chickens and make soup.
Chickens make better soup than eggs.
And you know, in the old country,
my mother's sister, my auntie,
she had two chickens.
One got sick,
so she killed the other one,
she made soup,
she fed it to the sick one.
In no time it was running around
like a two-year-old.
A good chicken soup is health giving.
(SNORING)
Ooh, he's soundo.
I wonder what he's dreaming of.
Well, it's a happy dream.
(ARTHUR CHUCKLING)
He'll be off somewhere enjoying himself.
COMMENTATOR: And a dramatic moment
here at Lords.
We've found a really remarkable batsman.
I don't know where they got him.
They've tried everything to get him out.
They've tried speed,
they've tried seam, spin.
He just needs 10 now to make 400 runs.
Individual runs, that's right.
And there it is,
going through extra cover.
And that's going to be a four.
Yes, a magnificent four
through extra cover,
the crowd standing up for him.
He must be feeling a bit nervous,
Just doing a bit of gardening there.
He's only got one pad,
must've left one in the pavilion.
But he's looking very calm.
Just needs six for 400 individual runs.
And there's the bowler, Jackson,
very fast bowler.
Will he try and stop this 4007
394 now, and here he comes in now,
and this is it/
It's a six, is it going to be?
Yes, it's a six!
Up into the corner of the grandstand
and he has made 400 runs here,
a feat never achieved before at Lords,
acknowledged with a cheer of the crowd.
But what a magnificent cricketer
this man ls.
And so modest and loveable.
# Rule Britannia marmalade and jam #
Look, I had a phone call, see,
from Lords. From the MCC.
"Mr Garnett, Alf," they said,
"can you help us?
"We want our revenge on the coons.
"The West Indies, they beat us 5-0.
"And now the Pakistanis have
done us by an innings. Can you help?"
I said, "Hold on," I said,
"I'll oil me bat. I'll get my pads.
"I'LL get a taxi,
I'm straight down to Lords."
I'm opening the batting for England.
I scorn the use of a protective helmet
and a box.
First ball, Imran Khan,
he comes thundering in.
Bang! Wallop! Eight.
"Six," they said. "Come off it,"
I said. "That's worth more than six."
They had to get a taxi
to get the ball back.
Next ball, wallop!
Out of the bleeding ground.
They're going mad, the crowd,
all the coons are yelling,
"Go home, you bald headed honky bastard!
"Go on, bounce one of his bald nut,"
they're saying.
Next ball. wallop!
Right in amongst them.
Ooh! You should have
seen the buggers scatter.
There was eight curry shops
couldn't open that night.
I said, "You golliwogs,
let's have you. Come on.
"Let's have your fast bowlers.
"This is Alfie Garnett here,
not fat-guts bloody Both am."
Come on.
I hit 48 off the first over.
I was 179 not out by lunch.
I said, "Never mind about lunch."
I said, "I'll bat right through.
"Come on, let's have you."
"No, no," they said. "No, no.
"We've got to take lunch,
we've got to take lunch."
They soon pick up our ways, don't they?
I go in the pavilion.
There's our Majesty
the Queen stood there, duchess.
She got tears in her eyes.
"Sir Alfred," she said.
"Sir?" I said.
"It's in the post," she said.
"Sir Alfred," she said,
"we want you to take over
the captaincy of England.”
Bobby Robson walks in, he says,
"You can't have him, ma'am.
"We want him for
the England football team."
"I accept your resignation," she said.
"It's about time we had someone decent
in charge of our football."
I left them arguing the toss. I go out.
I'm opening the bowling for England.
First ball, first ball.
Gordon Greenidge,
brave man for a darkie.
He comes up with a front foot,
he attempts a cover drive.
Bang! I broke his bat.
I left him holding the handle.
"Who is this?
Look what you done to my bat."
I said, "Have a look behind you, Sambo,
"see what I done
to your bleeding stumps."
Next ball, Desmond Haynes.
Wallop! LBW. He won't forget
that day in a hurry.
I broke his leg
through the bleeding pads.
That'll put an end to his limbo dancing.
Next ball, Viv Richards,
West Indies captain.
He stood there,
he see me come charging in.
I tell you, he's trembling like a leaf.
He's turned white with terror, he has.
Well, white as a coon can turn.
I'm on me hat-trick!
I'm on me hat-trick!
You know, all the girls,
they're all going mad and veiling,
"Alfie! Alfie! We want Alfie!"
They're all there, Raquel Welch,
Myrna Loy, Joan Collins.
(TRUMPETS PLAYING FANFARE)
Oh, God!
It's the old war wound, Your Majesty.
Thank you.
Yeah, I could stay to tea.
I'd like to stay to tea, yeah.
Will Philip be there?
I like his manner,
he's a man after me own heart, he is.
And young Andrew,
chip off the old block that one.
Shame about young Edward, though,
ain't it?
Never mind, eh?
Every family's got one, ain't they?
Oh, yes, Your Majesty. Yeah.
I would like another drink.
You'll get me tiddly!
Mr Garnett. Wake up, Mr Garnett.
Here's a cup of tea.
Sir Alfred!
It's in the post!
179 not out by lunch!
Oh! Alfie! Alfie!
ALL: We want Alfie!
Alfie! Alfie! We want Alfie!
Alfie...
# Now my old darling
they've laid her down fo rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved
me pension for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# "Cause I'll probably starve to death
that's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
Bloody poorer that's a fact
# Just 'cause in sickness and in health
I said I do
# In sickness and in health
I said I do #