In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 3, Episode 1 - Episode #3.1 - full transcript
Having got himself a free teas-maid by causing a scene in an electrical shop Alf goes home to open a private letter to Rita,telling her her divorce from Mike has come through. He is overjoyed as he thinks she will move into the sp...
# Now my old darling
they've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved
me pension for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# "Cause I'll probably starve to death
that's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
Bloody poorer that's a fact
# Just 'cause in sickness and in health
I said I do
# In sickness and in health
I said I do #
Bloody hell.
(MAKING RASPBERRY NOISE)
Gotcha.
Gotcha.
(MIMICKING GUN SHOOTING)
Gotcha.
(MIMICKING FARTING)
Gotcha.
-Can I help you, sir?
-No, I was just looking.
-Thank you, sir.
-It's all right.
No, it's not all right. Give me that...
It's all right,
I've used one of these before.
Ping! Oh!
I wish there was some way they knew
you was doing it to them, eh?
Yes, this is me turning you off!
(MIMICKING GUN SHOOTING)
Pity you can't do it to some of them
in real life, innit?
-Give me that.
-Hey, don't touch me.
You take your hands off of me!
Don't you touch this.
Can't you read? It says "Don't touch".
I'd like to make you disappear.
What do you mean, don't touch?
Got to try it out before you buy it,
ain't you?
Do you know what this costs? £2,000.
Well, there you are.
Before you buy a thing like that,
you've got to give it a trial run,
ain't you? See if it works.
-Japanese, innit?
-Yes.
Well, I bought one of their watches
once, never had no works in it.
Are you thinking of buying
this television set?
I mean, I don't want to be rude, but...
Well, it's a lot of money, sir,
and I would have thought...
-What would you have thought?
-Well, you're an old-age pensioner...
Senior citizen if you don't mind!
And I ain't lived this long, sonny,
without learning
a thing or two about life.
And one of the things I have learned is
you don't buy a pig in a poke.
A pig in a poke?
You won't find a better set
than this anywhere.
Anywhere in Japan, you mean?
Anywhere in the world, sir.
What, better than
any other Japanese set, you mean?
Better than any other make
of TV set, sir.
-Better than a British one?
-Far superior, sir.
Are you a Jap?
I am English, sir.
But I have to admit
that no English-made television
can hold a candle to this machine.
You trying to tell me
that no Englishman,
none of Her Royal Majesty's
loyal subjects,
can make a better television set
than them little yellow monkeys
out there in Japan?
Yes, unfortunately, sir, that's true.
Pathetic, innit? Cor blimey.
I can remember when British-made
was the best all over the world.
Well, you're a lot older than I am, sir.
And could be again if they wasn't
so bone idle, most of them.
Yes, well... Is there something else
I can show you, sir?
Something less expensive?
Something cheap?
Cheap? Oh, you think I'm cheap, do you?
-I never said that.
-Well, somebody did.
I heard him.
Something cheap for a cheap person.
So I am cheap, am I?
I never said that. What I meant...
Look, this is obviously too expensive.
I meant something more
in your price range.
How do you know I can't afford that?
Well, obviously, you can't.
You're an old-age pensioner.
I told you, senior citizen, mate.
I'll have you for that.
That's discrimination
on the grounds of age.
That is ageist, that is.
What makes you think
I can't afford that, eh?
Eh? Lord Grade,
he's an old-age pensioner, isn't he, eh?
Lord Charlie Forte,
he's an old-age pensioner.
Lord Sir Bernard Delfont,
he's an old-age pensioner.
Lord Marks and Sparks,
he's an old-age pensioner.
And he's got more and better shops
than this one, mate.
And all of them pensioners, they can
all afford to buy that television set,
and buy this shop
and sack you into the bargain.
Yes, just 'cause
you're a pensioner, mate,
doesn't mean to say you're inferior.
We ain't an inferior species, you know.
Isn't it marvellous, eh? I fought.
I fought in the last war, I did!
I fought against the Japs
for your freedom
to sell their bleeding television sets
in this country.
Me and others, we fought,
lost lives, we did.
Didn't live long enough
to become old-age pensioners.
I was one of the lucky ones.
I nearly lost me life.
I lost the use of that leg, didn't I?
I've got medals for that at home.
Saving life and losing a leg.
You lost a leg?
-Which leg?
-I don't like to talk about it.
Before you was born, sonny,
when you was just a gleam
in your father's eye,
when this country belonged to us,
to people like me,
before we had to share it
with the likes of you.
But I don't like talking about it,
so don't ask me.
-What's going on?
-Nothing.
Just don't like the attitude
of some of your staff, that's all.
Well, all right,
maybe I am old-age pensioner,
grant you that.
But don't mean to say
I'm a second-class citizen, does it?
It's not my fault I've lived
this long, is it?
I know this. I know that
we're an embarrassment
to some people, that some of us do.
I know there are some people
would rather us dead
and try and kill us off every winter.
"You've done your bit,
you've served your time.
"Now off you go into eternity.”
Well, I happen to be one who ain't ready
to go just yet, mate.
Yes, well, I'm sorry,
but what can we do for you?
Well, I come in here
looking for a radio,
a cheap radio!
Something that'll make a cup of tea
for someone who's bedridden.
Living on her own, like, you know,
all crippled up and confined to bed
-for months at a time and...
-This is a relative of yours, is it?
No, it's me I'm talking about, mate. Me.
You?
But you said someone crippled
and confined to bed.
With the cold, sonny, with the cold.
It's a Teasmade you're talking about,
but they're not cheap.
You're right, looking around this shop.
Looking around
that marketplace out there,
the only thing that's cheap, mate,
is life, life itself.
Bloody animals are
better off than we are.
Animals! The pig, the cow, the chicken.
Animal, he lives in the country,
doesn't he?
Doesn't have to live in a bloody slum
in red militant Newham, does he?
I can't afford to go to the country,
not even for one day.
The bloody animal lives there.
All right, they're gonna kill him
for food, but we've all got to die.
The point is while they're alive,
they're better off than we are.
If you're food, you're better off.
If you're food, they look after you.
Make sure you didn't catch nothing.
If I was a horse,
if I was Princess Anne's horse,
cor blimey, I'd be laughing, wouldn't I?
If I was a corgi,
one of Her Majesty's corgis,
cor blimey, what, live in Buck House,
drive all over the country
in a Rolls-Royce,
Balmoral, Sandringham, Windsor Castle,
just lie on the end of her bed all day
licking her feet.
All right...
All right, you've got to chase
a few cats,
bite a few prime ministers.
"Look, here comes Margaret Thatcher.
I'll have her ankle.
"I'll ladder her bleeding stockings.
"Oh, look, there's the Royal Equerry
with our dinner on a silver platter.
"What's he got today for us, eh?
"Ooh, caviar? Paté de false grass!
I'm not eating that crap. Clear off.
"Oh, look, there's a little bowl
of champagne for Fido."
That's a royal dog's life, innit?
Ain't got to queue up down the DHSS,
reduced to spinning tales
to a hard-faced bureaucrat
with a heart as cold as
a freezing bloody English winter.
What sort of a country is it
where old-age pensioner
who's give his life for it,
can't afford to buy a bleeding radio,
where others with more money than sense
can spend £2,000 on a television set
just to watch the crap they put out?
Where an old-age pensioner has to sit
like a beggar at a rich man's gate,
and where he walks into a shop
looking for something to buy,
to make his life
a little bit more bearable
and is treated like a common criminal?
Right, what's the charge?
Charge?
What are you charging me with?
Charging you?
What do you mean, charging you?
We're not charging you with anything.
He arrested me.
He wrongfully arrested me.
-I didn't...
-Excuse me, sonny.
You placed your hand upon my shoulder
and impeded my egress.
You impounded my vested privilege
of movement
and placed constraint and duress
upon my person.
I know my rights!
It's a blatant case of malicious
and malevolent wrongful arrest.
-I just took this away from him.
-Yes, well...
I wasn't stealing it.
It says "Don't touch".
You can read, can't you?
You're not blind.
How do you know? I might be blind.
Is that in Braille? No.
A blind person might come in here.
How do you expect them
to be able to read that?
I doubt very much if a blind person
would be in here
looking for a television set, sir.
(CHUCKLING)
Well, all right, smart arse.
He might think it's a radio,
mightn't he?
Anyway, there are seven million
illiterates in this country.
How are they going to be able
to read that?
I mean, poor buggers can't even read
their own names.
Half of them don't even know
who they are.
So how are they going to
bloody well read your signs?
Marvellous, innit, eh?
Must be the only country in the world
where you can be arrested
because you can't bloody well read.
Well, no one has been arrested, sir.
Oh, you're trying to get out of it now.
I see, all right.
-Oi, go and get a policeman.
-Look, there's no need for that.
Oh, isn't there? Oh, isn't there?
Excuse me. Excuse me.
You've took the law into your own hands,
ain't you?
Right, well, we'll get a policeman
and we'll see what the real law
has to say about it.
-Write to his head office.
-I'll do more than that, mate.
I'll take it up with the House of Lords.
-Yeah, the European Parliament.
-And that, and that and all.
All right, come on then, come on.
Put the cuffs on, come on.
Come on, we'll see how far you can get.
What exactly was it
you came in for, sir?
Are you trying to bribe me?
-You heard that, you heard that.
-Yes.
You'll be my witness.
He tried to bribe me.
-No, I didn't, sir.
-I didn't say you couldn't.
It was a Teasmade, wasn't it, sir?
Have we got a cheap one?
"Have we got a cheap one?"
See? Cheap, mate, cheap.
I'm cheap again.
Ah, here we are, sir. The deluxe model.
I'm very sorry for the misunderstanding.
Now, if you'd accept that
with our compliments.
Can you put a plug on it?
She's in there a long time, isn't she?
Mr Garnett's daughter, isn't it?
(MOANING)
I wonder what's wrong with her.
(MOANING)
He's giving her
a thorough going-over, I'd say.
Something serious, is it?
You'll get me struck off.
I love you, Rita. You know that.
Get divorced.
It shouldn't be such a painful
operation, not in this day and age.
Oh, shame.
She looks well enough.
Just goes to show, doesn't it?
-On your own?
-I was.
-Miserable, innit?
-No.
Here, you see this? Look. Get off.
That's... That's a radio, that is.
And wakes you up with a cup of tea.
Marvellous, isn't it? Japanese.
Well, must be.
If it was British,
it'd be on strike most of the time, eh?
Or wouldn't be up early enough
in the morning to make a cup of tea.
Oi, shop!
Four million unemployed, eh?
Serves the buggers right,
that's what I say.
I mean, if your British worker
can't make what people want to buy,
well, what do they expect?
The British worker won't even buy
what he makes himself.
It comes to spending his own money,
he's got better things to do with it
than waste it on the crap
that he turns out.
The car park at British Leyland
is full of Japanese cars, I bet you.
Do you know how this works?
No, but I'll work it out.
-I'll set it for you.
-Oh, ta.
It's all right.
Hey, shop!
For Rita.
Strange, her giving this address.
"Private."
(KNOCKING MILK BOTTLE OVER)
ALF: Bloody hell!
(GRUNTING) Oh, God.
It's for Rita.
That's strange, innit,
her giving this address?
"Private."
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
I'll get it.
Oh, it's him.
He wants to live here.
He wants to move in.
Has he told you?
Oh, here, that's Rita's letter, that is.
It's hers. It's private to her!
You're not supposed to read that.
That's why it's got a stamp on it with
a picture of the Queen looking sideways,
so even she can't see what's inside.
-What's it say?
-It's none of your business!
-No, it's none of your business either.
-She's my daughter.
That don't entitle you
to open her letters.
This letter's important.
She don't want it hanging round
for weeks
without her knowing what's inside of it.
-Forward it on to her.
-I intend to, my dear.
Once I know a letter's important,
and personal and private to her,
that letter is resealed
and forwarded on to her.
Well, I hope you don't open my letters
to see if they're important.
Who'd write important to you?
Mr Garnett?
Look, can I talk to you
about your spare room?
-He wants to move into it.
-Spare room?
The room Rita uses
when she comes to stay.
When she comes to stay.
Let me ask him.
Oh, ask him! He's there.
He's sitting there. Ask him.
He wants to move in here.
My sister's getting married, Mr Garnett.
You ain't invited me.
They're gonna have to move in
to my mum's,
and they want my room, see.
Well, it's hard luck, innit?
Well, I thought
if I could move in with you...
Move in with me?
Yeah, I'll pay you good rent.
You know...
Red dies and no questions asked.
And I'll be living in, on the spot,
to look after you.
Do all your cooking.
I mean, you will be better off.
-Well, what about me?
-What about you?
-This is my house, too.
-It's not your room, is it?
No, you expect me
to keep my mouth shut, though.
Impossible.
And not say anything about your red dies.
And no questions asked about
what'd be money in your pocket.
I mean, what about my pocket?
I'm a Catholic,
and I have to go to confession.
If you expect me to lie to the priest
and commit mortal sins on your behalf,
well, I expect to get
something out of it.
-You hypocrite!
-Here, don't you call me hypocrite.
And there's my meals, too.
I mean, I could do with someone doing
a bit of cooking and cleaning for me.
I'm as old-age pensioner as he is.
-Yeah, well...
-Well, not as old.
Look, he ain't moving in here.
'Cause that room ain't gonna be
spare no more.
'Cause Rita's coming back here.
She's coming back home to live with me.
Those old buildings in Crippin Road,
have you heard about them, Mr Garnett?
They're doing them up, turning them
into luxury flats, they are.
-Who are?
-Council.
They're going to be pretty pricey,
they are, though.
I don't see the sense. I mean,
none of us will be able to afford them.
Yeah, well, they're trying to attract
a better class of individual here.
You know, home owners,
people with a bit of money.
They're trying to upgrade the area.
It's a good idea, actually.
Don't you think so, Mr Garnett?
Herd all the poor into ghettoes, all
the old-age pensioners and unemployed,
parcel them all up together
in the same area.
It's a good idea, actually.
They'll be happier together,
with nobody to envy,
nobody to unsettle them,
and everybody that's got a few bob
can live among themselves
in a nicer area with better shops
and other amenities.
I mean, {es misérables,
they can't afford to keep things up.
So everything gets run down.
They want everything for nothing.
And it spoils it for the rest of us.
Now, I think that Mrs Thatcher is
a very clever woman.
This idea of hers,
dividing the country in half,
with the poor up one end,
the rich up the other,
it's brilliant, isn't it?
They'll put you out to grass
somewhere up in Newcastle, I reckon.
Ah, ignore him.
-Here, Arthur...
-Mmm.
-Here.
-What?
-Our Rita...
-Yeah?
She's getting divorced.
Marvellous, innit, eh?
I hope you didn't laugh
when she told you.
-But she ain't told me yet.
-Well, how'd you know, then?
Well, this come for her this morning
from her solicitor's.
-Here you are, read it.
-No, I shouldn't, really, I...
I don't like doing this, I mean...
Well, it's private, innit?
Well, she won't mind. She won't know.
No, I can't read this, Alf. I...
It's private... Cruelty?
On the grounds of cruelty?
What's he been doing to her?
Oh, well, nothing violent.
Just being himself.
That's enough, it is.
-It's what they call mental cruelty.
-Oh, I see, yeah, yeah.
Hello, here comes the pipe.
Another fog warning.
There he goes.
I'm sorry to hear about your Rita.
Eh?
I saw her in the doctor's.
I'm not one to listen,
but I couldn't help overhearing.
What's it got to do with her doctor?
Probably depressed about it.
Probably wanted some pills or something.
Oh, it was more than pills.
She was in there a long time with him,
she was.
My Rita's up in Liverpool.
Oh, not this morning, she wasn't.
Anyway, one good thing.
I heard him tell her,
"There'll be no pain," he said.
So that's a blessing, isn't it?
Poor girl.
I've lit a candle for her.
And if you'd like a Mass said,
I can arrange it.
I talked to Father,
and he said it don't matter
you're not one of us.
(CHUCKLING)
Well, what do I want a Mass said for?
Oh, there's no knowing
the power of prayer.
No, I've known people have a Mass said
and what they was worried about
never happened.
But I want it to happen, don't I?
Ooh!
Ooh, you unfeeling beast!
It's the best thing
ever happened to her.
-Some father you are.
-well, she...
Well, I knew you was a pig!
But let's hope something the same
happens to you!
I'll tell him.
I'll break it to him gently.
Mr Garnett, I got some bad news
for you, pwana.
-Bad news?
-Yes.
Rita was frightened to tell you herself,
in case you caused a scene.
Oh, yeah. Scene? Me?
why would I cause a scene?
Well, you've got your ideas,
your own moral codes
about the way people should live.
And what Rita's done, well, she thinks
it might let her down, in your eyes.
And so she's asked me to tell you,
to break it to you gently, like,
so as you don't get too upset.
It's about her marriage.
Yeah, well, you see, Winston,
I love my little Rita.
She's all I've got left in the world,
but I don't matter, I'm not important.
She's the one, see, 'cause my life
is over basically, I mean...
You know, my days are numbered.
I'll be off to join Mummy soon, but
my little girl, she's...
She's the one.
She's the one that matters.
I mean, it's her happiness, that's
all I'm interested in, her happiness.
Well, she's getting divorced.
I know. I know!
(CACKLING)
She's not ill, then?
Ill? She's never been better
in her life!
All that panting...
She's getting divorced!
She's getting divorced from that rotten,
lousy, good-for-nothing scouse git,
like I told her to do years ago!
-You said it wouldn't work.
-I said it wouldn't work.
-Over 20 years ago.
-Over 20 years ago.
And now she's coming home to live
happy ever after with her daddy.
-Right?
-Wrong!
Eh?
She has a new boyfriend,
a new man in her life.
She still loves you,
but in a different way, you know?
Not everyone loves the same,
I'm glad to say.
She's coming back to London, but she's
not moving back in with you, fwana.
She's going to be...
Living in sin?
Shut up, you.
Who is it? Who is the man?
It ain't you, is it?
Bwana!
Get out of it!
No, no, no, here he is.
Dr Thomson. Cyril.
-Oh!
-well!
Nice one, Cyril.
I'll get him struck off.
He lives in sin with my daughter,
I'll get him struck off!
I'll get you struck off!
He could, too! Well...
I love your daughter, Mr Garnett,
and as soon as she gets divorced,
we're going to get married.
I know this has come as
a bit of a shock to you.
I told Rita to tell you herself.
But we're very much in love,
and that's all that really matters.
Oh, is it? Oh, is it?
well, we'll see about that!
Is your Rita getting all this
on the National Health, Mr Garnett?
She said you'd cause a scene.
Scene? I'll give her a bloody scene!
And what about,
"Her life is all that matters"?
And "Her happiness is all I live for"?
What about my good name?
And what about "I love my Rita,
"because I am coming
to the end of my days"?
And "She is the important one
because I'm off to join Mummy soon"?
The sooner the better!
I'm paying you very good rent
for that room.
More than it's worth,
I don't mind telling you.
So you should.
What do you mean, so I should?
You know what I mean.
You're not paying no more
than your sort are supposed to pay.
What do you mean, my sort?
Do I detect a note of racism, pwana?
No, nobody said nothing about that.
It's you brought that up, not me.
Hmm, it's true, though, innit?
I mean, it's... You know, I...
I mean, I..
I don't mind your colour.
I've got used to it. You know that.
Oh, thank you!
That's so white of you, old boy!
Look, there's plenty round here
wouldn't give you a room in their house.
Not give, charge!
Yeah, well...
As it is, I'll have to put up with
all the moans and complaints
about lowering the neighbourhood.
A little bit of gratitude from you
wouldn't go amiss, I tell you.
God almighty, what do you
bloody well look like?
Look, it was me...
It was me it was explaining
to her upstairs
and that bloody swine Johnson
about your lot the other day.
I told them, I said, "You don't give
old Marigold and his lot a chance.”
I said, "You won't let them
try and fit in."
I said, "You seem to think they're still
living in trees and living in mud huts."
I said, "You don't seem to realise some
of them is quite intelligent," I said.
"Speak the language almost as well as
what we do, some of them.
"Little bit of encouragement,
little bit of training,
"and they'll soon pick up our ways."
I was saying to Rita the other night, we
was watching the cricket on the telly,
I said to her, I said, "It's amazing,"
I said, "how quick some of these samboes
have picked this game up."
Especially the West Indians
and the Pakistanis.
Shut up!
And do you know something else?
If creatures from outer space was
to land on this planet
and happen to watch the Olympics,
they'd think the black people
were the superior race.
Oh, yeah.
And they'd think America
was a black nation.
Oh, yeah.
Because its blacks win all the gold
and all the silver.
And the pinky people,
they just win the odd bronze.
Yeah?
Well, who was it... Excuse me.
Who was it give them the chance to win
all them gold medals
and be good at sports, all them American
blacks what you're talking about, eh?
Who was it got them out to America
in the first place, eh?
Answer me that, clever dick.
They were sent there as slaves,
you silly old fool.
Yeah, but they was the lucky ones,
wasn't they?
I mean, where do you think Muhammad Ali
and Louis Armstrong
and all the rest of them would be
if their families hadn't gone on them
bloody boats to America
all those years ago, eh?
Cor blimey, we was doing them a favour.
All right, I mean, maybe they didn't
appreciate it at the time.
I mean, putting them all in chains,
maybe they didn't like that.
Maybe that put their backs up a bit,
but they was the lucky ones.
I mean, your American black is far
better off than he would be in Africa.
I mean, he don't want to go back there,
does he?
Same as your lot.
I mean, you moan and complain,
but none of you lot want to go back
to Africa, do you?
Of course you don't. You're not mad.
You know when you're well off.
Look, Sammy Davis Jr,
where do you think he would be today
if his granddad hadn't been dragged
screaming up the gangplank
onto that bloody ship, eh?
Tell you where he'd be.
He'd be in Africa, being chased up
a tree by a bloody tiger, that's where.
-Cobblers.
-Never mind about cobblers, mate.
It's facts I'm telling.
I mean, people complain about us,
about this country and what we did.
But I mean, there was method,
there was method.
I mean, like when we sent
all them convicts out to Australia,
they went out there in chains,
didn't they?
But look how well they've done.
Done a bloody sight better than the ones
we sent to Wormwood Scrubs, ain't they?
Same with Margaret Thatcher
when she took the milk away
from all the schoolchildren,
and everyone was up in arms about that!
"Maggie Thatcher the milk snatcher”
they called her.
She was doing them a favour.
She took away their cholesterol,
didn't she?
Stopped all them kids
getting heart attacks.
Cor blimey, they're putting
government health warnings
on your milk bottles now.
I can't talk to you! You're bloody mad!
Yeah, well, I must be,
letting you live here.
How are you going to be sleeping
in there?
What do you mean, how am I going to be
sleeping in there?
How do you think I'm going to be
sleeping in there?
Well, I'm just asking.
But what are you getting at?
Look, there is a bed in there
and I am going to go and sleep in it.
I mean, what do you think
I'm going to be doing in there?
All right, don't get
so bloody touchy about it.
Just asking, that's all.
Just... Just sleep the way we do.
That's all I'm asking.
You're in England now.
I've never been out of bloody England.
I was born here, for Christ's sake.
(MIMICKING APE NOISES)
Is that what you expect? Is it, bwana?
(TEASMADE MAKING TEA LOUDLY)
What is you doing?
It's 5:00@ in the morning!
Turn that thing off!
-It's not my fault!
-Get rid of it!
It's Mr bloody Johnson!
I don't care whose it is!
I don't want it in this house!
This is my house as well as your house!
You're not gonna have
that thing in here!
Don't you touch that bloody thing!
Keep your hands off of that!
Start with me, missus, I'll bloody...
I'll lay one on you!
(ALF AND MRS HOLLINGBERY YELLING)
# Now my old darling
they've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved
me pension for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# Then I'll probably starve to death
that's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
Bloody poorer that's a fact
# Just 'cause in sickness and in health
I said I do
# In sickness and in health
I said I do #
they've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved
me pension for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# "Cause I'll probably starve to death
that's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
Bloody poorer that's a fact
# Just 'cause in sickness and in health
I said I do
# In sickness and in health
I said I do #
Bloody hell.
(MAKING RASPBERRY NOISE)
Gotcha.
Gotcha.
(MIMICKING GUN SHOOTING)
Gotcha.
(MIMICKING FARTING)
Gotcha.
-Can I help you, sir?
-No, I was just looking.
-Thank you, sir.
-It's all right.
No, it's not all right. Give me that...
It's all right,
I've used one of these before.
Ping! Oh!
I wish there was some way they knew
you was doing it to them, eh?
Yes, this is me turning you off!
(MIMICKING GUN SHOOTING)
Pity you can't do it to some of them
in real life, innit?
-Give me that.
-Hey, don't touch me.
You take your hands off of me!
Don't you touch this.
Can't you read? It says "Don't touch".
I'd like to make you disappear.
What do you mean, don't touch?
Got to try it out before you buy it,
ain't you?
Do you know what this costs? £2,000.
Well, there you are.
Before you buy a thing like that,
you've got to give it a trial run,
ain't you? See if it works.
-Japanese, innit?
-Yes.
Well, I bought one of their watches
once, never had no works in it.
Are you thinking of buying
this television set?
I mean, I don't want to be rude, but...
Well, it's a lot of money, sir,
and I would have thought...
-What would you have thought?
-Well, you're an old-age pensioner...
Senior citizen if you don't mind!
And I ain't lived this long, sonny,
without learning
a thing or two about life.
And one of the things I have learned is
you don't buy a pig in a poke.
A pig in a poke?
You won't find a better set
than this anywhere.
Anywhere in Japan, you mean?
Anywhere in the world, sir.
What, better than
any other Japanese set, you mean?
Better than any other make
of TV set, sir.
-Better than a British one?
-Far superior, sir.
Are you a Jap?
I am English, sir.
But I have to admit
that no English-made television
can hold a candle to this machine.
You trying to tell me
that no Englishman,
none of Her Royal Majesty's
loyal subjects,
can make a better television set
than them little yellow monkeys
out there in Japan?
Yes, unfortunately, sir, that's true.
Pathetic, innit? Cor blimey.
I can remember when British-made
was the best all over the world.
Well, you're a lot older than I am, sir.
And could be again if they wasn't
so bone idle, most of them.
Yes, well... Is there something else
I can show you, sir?
Something less expensive?
Something cheap?
Cheap? Oh, you think I'm cheap, do you?
-I never said that.
-Well, somebody did.
I heard him.
Something cheap for a cheap person.
So I am cheap, am I?
I never said that. What I meant...
Look, this is obviously too expensive.
I meant something more
in your price range.
How do you know I can't afford that?
Well, obviously, you can't.
You're an old-age pensioner.
I told you, senior citizen, mate.
I'll have you for that.
That's discrimination
on the grounds of age.
That is ageist, that is.
What makes you think
I can't afford that, eh?
Eh? Lord Grade,
he's an old-age pensioner, isn't he, eh?
Lord Charlie Forte,
he's an old-age pensioner.
Lord Sir Bernard Delfont,
he's an old-age pensioner.
Lord Marks and Sparks,
he's an old-age pensioner.
And he's got more and better shops
than this one, mate.
And all of them pensioners, they can
all afford to buy that television set,
and buy this shop
and sack you into the bargain.
Yes, just 'cause
you're a pensioner, mate,
doesn't mean to say you're inferior.
We ain't an inferior species, you know.
Isn't it marvellous, eh? I fought.
I fought in the last war, I did!
I fought against the Japs
for your freedom
to sell their bleeding television sets
in this country.
Me and others, we fought,
lost lives, we did.
Didn't live long enough
to become old-age pensioners.
I was one of the lucky ones.
I nearly lost me life.
I lost the use of that leg, didn't I?
I've got medals for that at home.
Saving life and losing a leg.
You lost a leg?
-Which leg?
-I don't like to talk about it.
Before you was born, sonny,
when you was just a gleam
in your father's eye,
when this country belonged to us,
to people like me,
before we had to share it
with the likes of you.
But I don't like talking about it,
so don't ask me.
-What's going on?
-Nothing.
Just don't like the attitude
of some of your staff, that's all.
Well, all right,
maybe I am old-age pensioner,
grant you that.
But don't mean to say
I'm a second-class citizen, does it?
It's not my fault I've lived
this long, is it?
I know this. I know that
we're an embarrassment
to some people, that some of us do.
I know there are some people
would rather us dead
and try and kill us off every winter.
"You've done your bit,
you've served your time.
"Now off you go into eternity.”
Well, I happen to be one who ain't ready
to go just yet, mate.
Yes, well, I'm sorry,
but what can we do for you?
Well, I come in here
looking for a radio,
a cheap radio!
Something that'll make a cup of tea
for someone who's bedridden.
Living on her own, like, you know,
all crippled up and confined to bed
-for months at a time and...
-This is a relative of yours, is it?
No, it's me I'm talking about, mate. Me.
You?
But you said someone crippled
and confined to bed.
With the cold, sonny, with the cold.
It's a Teasmade you're talking about,
but they're not cheap.
You're right, looking around this shop.
Looking around
that marketplace out there,
the only thing that's cheap, mate,
is life, life itself.
Bloody animals are
better off than we are.
Animals! The pig, the cow, the chicken.
Animal, he lives in the country,
doesn't he?
Doesn't have to live in a bloody slum
in red militant Newham, does he?
I can't afford to go to the country,
not even for one day.
The bloody animal lives there.
All right, they're gonna kill him
for food, but we've all got to die.
The point is while they're alive,
they're better off than we are.
If you're food, you're better off.
If you're food, they look after you.
Make sure you didn't catch nothing.
If I was a horse,
if I was Princess Anne's horse,
cor blimey, I'd be laughing, wouldn't I?
If I was a corgi,
one of Her Majesty's corgis,
cor blimey, what, live in Buck House,
drive all over the country
in a Rolls-Royce,
Balmoral, Sandringham, Windsor Castle,
just lie on the end of her bed all day
licking her feet.
All right...
All right, you've got to chase
a few cats,
bite a few prime ministers.
"Look, here comes Margaret Thatcher.
I'll have her ankle.
"I'll ladder her bleeding stockings.
"Oh, look, there's the Royal Equerry
with our dinner on a silver platter.
"What's he got today for us, eh?
"Ooh, caviar? Paté de false grass!
I'm not eating that crap. Clear off.
"Oh, look, there's a little bowl
of champagne for Fido."
That's a royal dog's life, innit?
Ain't got to queue up down the DHSS,
reduced to spinning tales
to a hard-faced bureaucrat
with a heart as cold as
a freezing bloody English winter.
What sort of a country is it
where old-age pensioner
who's give his life for it,
can't afford to buy a bleeding radio,
where others with more money than sense
can spend £2,000 on a television set
just to watch the crap they put out?
Where an old-age pensioner has to sit
like a beggar at a rich man's gate,
and where he walks into a shop
looking for something to buy,
to make his life
a little bit more bearable
and is treated like a common criminal?
Right, what's the charge?
Charge?
What are you charging me with?
Charging you?
What do you mean, charging you?
We're not charging you with anything.
He arrested me.
He wrongfully arrested me.
-I didn't...
-Excuse me, sonny.
You placed your hand upon my shoulder
and impeded my egress.
You impounded my vested privilege
of movement
and placed constraint and duress
upon my person.
I know my rights!
It's a blatant case of malicious
and malevolent wrongful arrest.
-I just took this away from him.
-Yes, well...
I wasn't stealing it.
It says "Don't touch".
You can read, can't you?
You're not blind.
How do you know? I might be blind.
Is that in Braille? No.
A blind person might come in here.
How do you expect them
to be able to read that?
I doubt very much if a blind person
would be in here
looking for a television set, sir.
(CHUCKLING)
Well, all right, smart arse.
He might think it's a radio,
mightn't he?
Anyway, there are seven million
illiterates in this country.
How are they going to be able
to read that?
I mean, poor buggers can't even read
their own names.
Half of them don't even know
who they are.
So how are they going to
bloody well read your signs?
Marvellous, innit, eh?
Must be the only country in the world
where you can be arrested
because you can't bloody well read.
Well, no one has been arrested, sir.
Oh, you're trying to get out of it now.
I see, all right.
-Oi, go and get a policeman.
-Look, there's no need for that.
Oh, isn't there? Oh, isn't there?
Excuse me. Excuse me.
You've took the law into your own hands,
ain't you?
Right, well, we'll get a policeman
and we'll see what the real law
has to say about it.
-Write to his head office.
-I'll do more than that, mate.
I'll take it up with the House of Lords.
-Yeah, the European Parliament.
-And that, and that and all.
All right, come on then, come on.
Put the cuffs on, come on.
Come on, we'll see how far you can get.
What exactly was it
you came in for, sir?
Are you trying to bribe me?
-You heard that, you heard that.
-Yes.
You'll be my witness.
He tried to bribe me.
-No, I didn't, sir.
-I didn't say you couldn't.
It was a Teasmade, wasn't it, sir?
Have we got a cheap one?
"Have we got a cheap one?"
See? Cheap, mate, cheap.
I'm cheap again.
Ah, here we are, sir. The deluxe model.
I'm very sorry for the misunderstanding.
Now, if you'd accept that
with our compliments.
Can you put a plug on it?
She's in there a long time, isn't she?
Mr Garnett's daughter, isn't it?
(MOANING)
I wonder what's wrong with her.
(MOANING)
He's giving her
a thorough going-over, I'd say.
Something serious, is it?
You'll get me struck off.
I love you, Rita. You know that.
Get divorced.
It shouldn't be such a painful
operation, not in this day and age.
Oh, shame.
She looks well enough.
Just goes to show, doesn't it?
-On your own?
-I was.
-Miserable, innit?
-No.
Here, you see this? Look. Get off.
That's... That's a radio, that is.
And wakes you up with a cup of tea.
Marvellous, isn't it? Japanese.
Well, must be.
If it was British,
it'd be on strike most of the time, eh?
Or wouldn't be up early enough
in the morning to make a cup of tea.
Oi, shop!
Four million unemployed, eh?
Serves the buggers right,
that's what I say.
I mean, if your British worker
can't make what people want to buy,
well, what do they expect?
The British worker won't even buy
what he makes himself.
It comes to spending his own money,
he's got better things to do with it
than waste it on the crap
that he turns out.
The car park at British Leyland
is full of Japanese cars, I bet you.
Do you know how this works?
No, but I'll work it out.
-I'll set it for you.
-Oh, ta.
It's all right.
Hey, shop!
For Rita.
Strange, her giving this address.
"Private."
(KNOCKING MILK BOTTLE OVER)
ALF: Bloody hell!
(GRUNTING) Oh, God.
It's for Rita.
That's strange, innit,
her giving this address?
"Private."
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
I'll get it.
Oh, it's him.
He wants to live here.
He wants to move in.
Has he told you?
Oh, here, that's Rita's letter, that is.
It's hers. It's private to her!
You're not supposed to read that.
That's why it's got a stamp on it with
a picture of the Queen looking sideways,
so even she can't see what's inside.
-What's it say?
-It's none of your business!
-No, it's none of your business either.
-She's my daughter.
That don't entitle you
to open her letters.
This letter's important.
She don't want it hanging round
for weeks
without her knowing what's inside of it.
-Forward it on to her.
-I intend to, my dear.
Once I know a letter's important,
and personal and private to her,
that letter is resealed
and forwarded on to her.
Well, I hope you don't open my letters
to see if they're important.
Who'd write important to you?
Mr Garnett?
Look, can I talk to you
about your spare room?
-He wants to move into it.
-Spare room?
The room Rita uses
when she comes to stay.
When she comes to stay.
Let me ask him.
Oh, ask him! He's there.
He's sitting there. Ask him.
He wants to move in here.
My sister's getting married, Mr Garnett.
You ain't invited me.
They're gonna have to move in
to my mum's,
and they want my room, see.
Well, it's hard luck, innit?
Well, I thought
if I could move in with you...
Move in with me?
Yeah, I'll pay you good rent.
You know...
Red dies and no questions asked.
And I'll be living in, on the spot,
to look after you.
Do all your cooking.
I mean, you will be better off.
-Well, what about me?
-What about you?
-This is my house, too.
-It's not your room, is it?
No, you expect me
to keep my mouth shut, though.
Impossible.
And not say anything about your red dies.
And no questions asked about
what'd be money in your pocket.
I mean, what about my pocket?
I'm a Catholic,
and I have to go to confession.
If you expect me to lie to the priest
and commit mortal sins on your behalf,
well, I expect to get
something out of it.
-You hypocrite!
-Here, don't you call me hypocrite.
And there's my meals, too.
I mean, I could do with someone doing
a bit of cooking and cleaning for me.
I'm as old-age pensioner as he is.
-Yeah, well...
-Well, not as old.
Look, he ain't moving in here.
'Cause that room ain't gonna be
spare no more.
'Cause Rita's coming back here.
She's coming back home to live with me.
Those old buildings in Crippin Road,
have you heard about them, Mr Garnett?
They're doing them up, turning them
into luxury flats, they are.
-Who are?
-Council.
They're going to be pretty pricey,
they are, though.
I don't see the sense. I mean,
none of us will be able to afford them.
Yeah, well, they're trying to attract
a better class of individual here.
You know, home owners,
people with a bit of money.
They're trying to upgrade the area.
It's a good idea, actually.
Don't you think so, Mr Garnett?
Herd all the poor into ghettoes, all
the old-age pensioners and unemployed,
parcel them all up together
in the same area.
It's a good idea, actually.
They'll be happier together,
with nobody to envy,
nobody to unsettle them,
and everybody that's got a few bob
can live among themselves
in a nicer area with better shops
and other amenities.
I mean, {es misérables,
they can't afford to keep things up.
So everything gets run down.
They want everything for nothing.
And it spoils it for the rest of us.
Now, I think that Mrs Thatcher is
a very clever woman.
This idea of hers,
dividing the country in half,
with the poor up one end,
the rich up the other,
it's brilliant, isn't it?
They'll put you out to grass
somewhere up in Newcastle, I reckon.
Ah, ignore him.
-Here, Arthur...
-Mmm.
-Here.
-What?
-Our Rita...
-Yeah?
She's getting divorced.
Marvellous, innit, eh?
I hope you didn't laugh
when she told you.
-But she ain't told me yet.
-Well, how'd you know, then?
Well, this come for her this morning
from her solicitor's.
-Here you are, read it.
-No, I shouldn't, really, I...
I don't like doing this, I mean...
Well, it's private, innit?
Well, she won't mind. She won't know.
No, I can't read this, Alf. I...
It's private... Cruelty?
On the grounds of cruelty?
What's he been doing to her?
Oh, well, nothing violent.
Just being himself.
That's enough, it is.
-It's what they call mental cruelty.
-Oh, I see, yeah, yeah.
Hello, here comes the pipe.
Another fog warning.
There he goes.
I'm sorry to hear about your Rita.
Eh?
I saw her in the doctor's.
I'm not one to listen,
but I couldn't help overhearing.
What's it got to do with her doctor?
Probably depressed about it.
Probably wanted some pills or something.
Oh, it was more than pills.
She was in there a long time with him,
she was.
My Rita's up in Liverpool.
Oh, not this morning, she wasn't.
Anyway, one good thing.
I heard him tell her,
"There'll be no pain," he said.
So that's a blessing, isn't it?
Poor girl.
I've lit a candle for her.
And if you'd like a Mass said,
I can arrange it.
I talked to Father,
and he said it don't matter
you're not one of us.
(CHUCKLING)
Well, what do I want a Mass said for?
Oh, there's no knowing
the power of prayer.
No, I've known people have a Mass said
and what they was worried about
never happened.
But I want it to happen, don't I?
Ooh!
Ooh, you unfeeling beast!
It's the best thing
ever happened to her.
-Some father you are.
-well, she...
Well, I knew you was a pig!
But let's hope something the same
happens to you!
I'll tell him.
I'll break it to him gently.
Mr Garnett, I got some bad news
for you, pwana.
-Bad news?
-Yes.
Rita was frightened to tell you herself,
in case you caused a scene.
Oh, yeah. Scene? Me?
why would I cause a scene?
Well, you've got your ideas,
your own moral codes
about the way people should live.
And what Rita's done, well, she thinks
it might let her down, in your eyes.
And so she's asked me to tell you,
to break it to you gently, like,
so as you don't get too upset.
It's about her marriage.
Yeah, well, you see, Winston,
I love my little Rita.
She's all I've got left in the world,
but I don't matter, I'm not important.
She's the one, see, 'cause my life
is over basically, I mean...
You know, my days are numbered.
I'll be off to join Mummy soon, but
my little girl, she's...
She's the one.
She's the one that matters.
I mean, it's her happiness, that's
all I'm interested in, her happiness.
Well, she's getting divorced.
I know. I know!
(CACKLING)
She's not ill, then?
Ill? She's never been better
in her life!
All that panting...
She's getting divorced!
She's getting divorced from that rotten,
lousy, good-for-nothing scouse git,
like I told her to do years ago!
-You said it wouldn't work.
-I said it wouldn't work.
-Over 20 years ago.
-Over 20 years ago.
And now she's coming home to live
happy ever after with her daddy.
-Right?
-Wrong!
Eh?
She has a new boyfriend,
a new man in her life.
She still loves you,
but in a different way, you know?
Not everyone loves the same,
I'm glad to say.
She's coming back to London, but she's
not moving back in with you, fwana.
She's going to be...
Living in sin?
Shut up, you.
Who is it? Who is the man?
It ain't you, is it?
Bwana!
Get out of it!
No, no, no, here he is.
Dr Thomson. Cyril.
-Oh!
-well!
Nice one, Cyril.
I'll get him struck off.
He lives in sin with my daughter,
I'll get him struck off!
I'll get you struck off!
He could, too! Well...
I love your daughter, Mr Garnett,
and as soon as she gets divorced,
we're going to get married.
I know this has come as
a bit of a shock to you.
I told Rita to tell you herself.
But we're very much in love,
and that's all that really matters.
Oh, is it? Oh, is it?
well, we'll see about that!
Is your Rita getting all this
on the National Health, Mr Garnett?
She said you'd cause a scene.
Scene? I'll give her a bloody scene!
And what about,
"Her life is all that matters"?
And "Her happiness is all I live for"?
What about my good name?
And what about "I love my Rita,
"because I am coming
to the end of my days"?
And "She is the important one
because I'm off to join Mummy soon"?
The sooner the better!
I'm paying you very good rent
for that room.
More than it's worth,
I don't mind telling you.
So you should.
What do you mean, so I should?
You know what I mean.
You're not paying no more
than your sort are supposed to pay.
What do you mean, my sort?
Do I detect a note of racism, pwana?
No, nobody said nothing about that.
It's you brought that up, not me.
Hmm, it's true, though, innit?
I mean, it's... You know, I...
I mean, I..
I don't mind your colour.
I've got used to it. You know that.
Oh, thank you!
That's so white of you, old boy!
Look, there's plenty round here
wouldn't give you a room in their house.
Not give, charge!
Yeah, well...
As it is, I'll have to put up with
all the moans and complaints
about lowering the neighbourhood.
A little bit of gratitude from you
wouldn't go amiss, I tell you.
God almighty, what do you
bloody well look like?
Look, it was me...
It was me it was explaining
to her upstairs
and that bloody swine Johnson
about your lot the other day.
I told them, I said, "You don't give
old Marigold and his lot a chance.”
I said, "You won't let them
try and fit in."
I said, "You seem to think they're still
living in trees and living in mud huts."
I said, "You don't seem to realise some
of them is quite intelligent," I said.
"Speak the language almost as well as
what we do, some of them.
"Little bit of encouragement,
little bit of training,
"and they'll soon pick up our ways."
I was saying to Rita the other night, we
was watching the cricket on the telly,
I said to her, I said, "It's amazing,"
I said, "how quick some of these samboes
have picked this game up."
Especially the West Indians
and the Pakistanis.
Shut up!
And do you know something else?
If creatures from outer space was
to land on this planet
and happen to watch the Olympics,
they'd think the black people
were the superior race.
Oh, yeah.
And they'd think America
was a black nation.
Oh, yeah.
Because its blacks win all the gold
and all the silver.
And the pinky people,
they just win the odd bronze.
Yeah?
Well, who was it... Excuse me.
Who was it give them the chance to win
all them gold medals
and be good at sports, all them American
blacks what you're talking about, eh?
Who was it got them out to America
in the first place, eh?
Answer me that, clever dick.
They were sent there as slaves,
you silly old fool.
Yeah, but they was the lucky ones,
wasn't they?
I mean, where do you think Muhammad Ali
and Louis Armstrong
and all the rest of them would be
if their families hadn't gone on them
bloody boats to America
all those years ago, eh?
Cor blimey, we was doing them a favour.
All right, I mean, maybe they didn't
appreciate it at the time.
I mean, putting them all in chains,
maybe they didn't like that.
Maybe that put their backs up a bit,
but they was the lucky ones.
I mean, your American black is far
better off than he would be in Africa.
I mean, he don't want to go back there,
does he?
Same as your lot.
I mean, you moan and complain,
but none of you lot want to go back
to Africa, do you?
Of course you don't. You're not mad.
You know when you're well off.
Look, Sammy Davis Jr,
where do you think he would be today
if his granddad hadn't been dragged
screaming up the gangplank
onto that bloody ship, eh?
Tell you where he'd be.
He'd be in Africa, being chased up
a tree by a bloody tiger, that's where.
-Cobblers.
-Never mind about cobblers, mate.
It's facts I'm telling.
I mean, people complain about us,
about this country and what we did.
But I mean, there was method,
there was method.
I mean, like when we sent
all them convicts out to Australia,
they went out there in chains,
didn't they?
But look how well they've done.
Done a bloody sight better than the ones
we sent to Wormwood Scrubs, ain't they?
Same with Margaret Thatcher
when she took the milk away
from all the schoolchildren,
and everyone was up in arms about that!
"Maggie Thatcher the milk snatcher”
they called her.
She was doing them a favour.
She took away their cholesterol,
didn't she?
Stopped all them kids
getting heart attacks.
Cor blimey, they're putting
government health warnings
on your milk bottles now.
I can't talk to you! You're bloody mad!
Yeah, well, I must be,
letting you live here.
How are you going to be sleeping
in there?
What do you mean, how am I going to be
sleeping in there?
How do you think I'm going to be
sleeping in there?
Well, I'm just asking.
But what are you getting at?
Look, there is a bed in there
and I am going to go and sleep in it.
I mean, what do you think
I'm going to be doing in there?
All right, don't get
so bloody touchy about it.
Just asking, that's all.
Just... Just sleep the way we do.
That's all I'm asking.
You're in England now.
I've never been out of bloody England.
I was born here, for Christ's sake.
(MIMICKING APE NOISES)
Is that what you expect? Is it, bwana?
(TEASMADE MAKING TEA LOUDLY)
What is you doing?
It's 5:00@ in the morning!
Turn that thing off!
-It's not my fault!
-Get rid of it!
It's Mr bloody Johnson!
I don't care whose it is!
I don't want it in this house!
This is my house as well as your house!
You're not gonna have
that thing in here!
Don't you touch that bloody thing!
Keep your hands off of that!
Start with me, missus, I'll bloody...
I'll lay one on you!
(ALF AND MRS HOLLINGBERY YELLING)
# Now my old darling
they've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved
me pension for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# Then I'll probably starve to death
that's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
Bloody poorer that's a fact
# Just 'cause in sickness and in health
I said I do
# In sickness and in health
I said I do #