In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 3, Episode 2 - Episode #3.2 - full transcript

# Now my old darling
they've laid her down fo rest

# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart

# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS

# And they've gone and halved
me pension for a start

# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side

# "Cause I'll probably starve to death
that's what I'll do

# For richer or poorer
Bloody poorer that's a fact

# Just 'cause in sickness and in health
I said I do

# In sickness and in health
I said I do #

(TV PLAYING)

Crap!



(DOOR BANGING)

-Ah, you're in.
-Oh, you're getting bright.

You're getting very bright.
Very observant.

He let himself in.
He's got a key and let himself in.

Everybody's bright tonight.
Must be something in the water.

It's like the bloody brains trust
in here, innit?

Mastermind!

-I don't like him having a key.
-I've started so I'll finish.

It's a wonder Magnus Magnus son
ain't asked you to go on his show.

And I don't like you
waltzing into my living room

as if you owned it.

-But I live here, Mrs Hollingbery.
-You should knock before you come in.

Oh, yeah, and who'd be moaning about
dragging you down the stairs

to open the door to let him in?



He's your lodger.
You should open the door for him.

And what if I'm out?

You know,
you're a very unreasonable man.

You just don't try
and get on with people.

Can I talk to you for a minute,
Mr Garnett?

What?

Well, it's rather private.

What, you mean you don't
want her listening?

Ooh, I don't want to hear your business.

Well, if you was upstairs
in your own half of the house,

you wouldn't be able to, would you?

Well, it's all right.
I'll talk to you later.

-You're not going out, are you?
-Only over the pub later, that's all.

That's all you ever do.

It must be warmer down here
in this room.

It must be more comfortable
than upstairs, is it?

If you think it gives me any pleasure
being down here with you, Mr Garnett,

well, no, thank you.

You're the last company
I would choose to be in.

I have to live above you.
I can't help that.

Oh, if only I could move away from you,
and people like you.

Oh, if the Lord answers my prayers

and the council finds me
somewhere else to live,

I shall be grateful till my dying day.

And he should soon.
The Lord will find me somewhere soon.

I mean, I've lit enough candles
and said enough prayers.

He'll deliver me from
the likes of you soon.

What I've done to deserve it,
I shall never know but I'll find out.

When he calls me and I stand before him,
I shall ask him, I shall say,

"Why did you make me live upstairs
above Mr Garnett?

(CRYING) "It's a dreadful punishment,
and one I'm sure I don't deserve."

Yeah. well, in the meantime,
until he does call you,

why don't you go upstairs,
your own half of the house,

and say a few more prayers to him?

And let us get on with what is
private business down here.

You'll be nearer to him up there.

I don't care what you say,
I still think she fancies you.

This is a private conversation
if you don't mind.

(DOOR SLAMS)

All that charisma, the turn of phrase,
you silver-tongued smoothie, you.

All right. All right. What do you want?

Well, I've got this form
from the council.

Now, if you sign it
and say that you're my landlord,

-I can get a rent allowance.
-If I sign it?

I'll still be slipping you the red dies.

-But I can get...
-Never mind what you could get.

What about what I could get?

I could get a tax man on my door.
That's what I could get.

-Yeah, but you don't pay tax!
-I don't intend to neither.

I'm not signing no bloody papers.
Blimey.

If they think I'm a landlord,
they'll come on me like a ton of bricks.

I've got to sweeten her up as it is.
And you, stop annoying her.

-Me?
-Yes.

And another thing, look,

try and make out you don't live here,
you know.

Or make out you're leaving at night,
you know.

Stand on the doorstep and yell,

"Good night, Mr Garnett.
See you in the morning!"

'Cause I'm black?

Nothing to do with being black.
You got black on the brain, you have.

I just don't want people to think
I'm taking in lodgers, that's all.

Somebody might grass to the DHSS.

Holy mother upstairs more than likely.

As it is, I say I've got to bung her

and promise her
you'll do things for her.

What things?

Well, she wants her early morning tea
at 6:00, breakfast at 8:00,

coffee at 11:00, lunch at 12:00,
afternoon tea at 3:00,

high tea at 6:00, supper at 9:00.
She wants all her laundry...

-Now, just a minute!
-You want a room, don't you?

Don't know what I'd do
without this place, Arthur.

I'll bet.

-Nothing on the telly.
-Nah, never is.

-Nothing you'd want to watch.
-Nothing I want to watch.

Nor me.

I mean...

The money they charge for it, you know?

You'd think they'd put something on, eh?

It's not cheap.

I tried watching it tonight.
I had to give up.

It's not easy.

It's either coming over here, Arthur,
or sitting with yourself.

I searched all over it the other night

trying to find that pornography
they keep talking about.

-I wouldn't watch it.
-I couldn't find it.

That Mary White house,
she seems to know where to find it.

Well, she's an expert, ain't she?
A porn expert, that Mary White house.

And she spent a lifetime studying it,
she has.

Yeah. Been studying it for years,
hasn't she?

-In at the start.
-Yeah.

I bet there's nobody knows more
about porn than she does.

Lord Longford.

No. She's been at it longer.

-Yeah, but he started before she did.
-Yeah, but she's been at it longer.

He seems to have given up on it lately,
don't he?

Mmm. Probably got
a bit too much for him.

Ah!

He used to travel all over the world
to find it, didn't he?

-That's right.
-Yeah.

I think I'm correct in saying it was him
what introduced it to this country.

And he's not a young man, neither.

Oh, no, you got to be a young man
for that sort of thing, Alf.

-Full of energy, yeah.
-And willing to travel.

She don't seem to travel much
to find it, does she?

-Who? Mrs White house?
-Mmm.

She's able to find all she needs here.

-On the television?
-Yeah. All she wants.

I can't find it.

Look for the red triangle.

-Red triangle?
-That's what they say.

Programmes with a red triangle.
Channel 4.

That's where you'll find the filth.

-I didn't know that.
-Yeah.

Yes. Been in all the papers.
Been well publicised, it has.

I've looked at Channel 4.

I've never seen anything
worth watching much.

You got to search for it, Arthur.

-I'll give it another go, then.
-Hey, Arthur, you seen this?

-No, what's that?
-The bloody government

stuck that through my letter box.

"Aids, don't die of ignorance."

-Everyone's getting them, Alf.
-That's a bloody cheek, that is.

Well...

What sort of people
do they think we are?

That's an insult, that is,
putting that through my letter box.

Listen, government wants to warn people,

they don't want to stick that
through everybody's letter box.

-No, no.
-No.

They wanna make a few enquiries.

I could tell them whose letter box
to stick that through.

Yeah?

Anyway, round here, mate,
it's not Aids that's the killer,

it's age, old age.
That's the killer round here.

I mean, the bloody government
has spent a fortune on advertising Aids,

don't spend a penny
on what's really killing people.

I'll tell you something.

People who get Aids, Arthur,
deserve to get Aids.

It's their own fault
and they deserve the consequences,

and bloody good riddance to them.

It's unnatural behaviour
that causes Aids, innit?

Fornication, innit?

And decent, respectable people
don't go round fornicating, do they?

Oh, come on, Alf.

I bet you did your share of fornicating
when you was younger.

And you're decent and respectable.

Right, but some of us is a bit fussy
about who we do it with.

I mean, sow your wild oats,

yeah, that is all part
of a man's education, innit?

It fits him out with the experience
he needs to take to his wife

on their wedding night.

I mean, it's his duty to equip himself
with that sort of knowledge, innit?

I mean, unless...
Unless he's been deceived by her

and landed his self with a wrong 'un.

That is knowledge
that he can't expect his bride to have.

'Cause that is knowledge that a decent,
innocent, virginal girl

would expect her husband
to have acquired

as part of his preparation and grooming
for the marital bed.

You sound like you've been reading
Barbara Cartland.

Yeah, Alf, has there been a lot
of women in your life, then?

Oh, yeah.

No, but I mean, I'm not the sort of man
that boasts about his conquests.

Oh, no, no.

Well, it's not my fault, Arthur,
but I realised years ago

that I was the sort of man that
one woman could never be enough for.

Yeah.

I mean, I suppose if the truth be told,
really, I should never have got married.

-No.
-No.

I mean, there was Elsie.

-God rest her soul.
-God rest her soul.

Madly and beside herself
in love with me.

But what could I do, Arthur?
What could I do, eh?

-I couldn't be a rotter and dump her.
-No. Of course not.

No. Not in me
to treat a woman like that, Arthur.

I mean, there she was, sweet and pure.
Devoted to me.

Her heart was set upon me.

I mean, her whole life,
everything would have been destroyed,

laid waste if I'd have said no
but I mean,

luckily for her, I knew my duty.

Yeah. Yeah.

-And, you know, Arthur?
-What?

-There is a joy in giving.
-Oh, yeah.

I made her the happiest woman alive.

And that was enough for me.

Enough for her, too, I suppose.

See, all our troubles, Arthur,

started in inviting foreigners
into this country.

Hey. Now, now, watch it, Alf.

You got to be careful
how you mention foreigners these days.

I mean, say what you like
about the English,

but button your lip
when you talk about foreigners.

I mean, your free speech
don't stretch to ethnics.

Big mistake that was.

I mean, how are we to know what
they're going to bring in with them?

-Good point, Alf.
-Yeah.

I mean, if we must have them,
they should all be put in quarantine.

-Tourists as well.
-Yeah.

If they're not prepared to spend
six months in quarantine, sod them.

Let them go somewhere else
for their holiday.

Of course, I'll tell you something.
Aids is not an English disease, is it?

-No?
-No! It didn't start here.

None of your venereal diseases
started here.

(BURPS) They was all brought in here
by foreigners.

-Mmm. Mmm.
-I mean, it's not fair, Arthur.

-Look.
-Yeah.

-I'm an old-age pensioner, right?
-Right.

-Right?
-Right.

-If I'm not right, give me right.
-No, you're right. You're right.

-I like a drop of whiskey, right?
-Right.

-I mean, it's a medicine to me, innit?
-Yeah. Sure, sure.

But I can't get a prescription for it,
can I?

-No, of course not.
-I've paid in enough for it, ain't I?

-Now, if I was a drug addict...
-Yeah.

I mean, they get all they want
on the National Health, they do.

-Yeah.
-Clean needles.

I mean, you get prescriptions now
for heroin, cocaine,

the Mogadons, the Valiums,
the sleeping pills.

They hand them out like bloody sweets,
they do.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

Even your sex maniac
can get his condoms for free now.

Now, when you're poor and starving,
an old-age pensioner like I am,

nobody wants to give me nothing.

Not even Aids.

Mmm.

Here he comes. Here he comes.

-Dr Cyril.
-Yeah.

A man of the Hippocratic oath, you know.
And he's living in sin with my daughter.

And I'm supposed to look happy
when I see him.

Oh, dear!

-Can I buy you a drink?
-Yeah. A large whiskey. Medicinal.

-Medicinal? why, what's wrong with you?
-Nothing what you'd understand.

And you, Arthur?

Oh. Yeah.
I'll have a drop of the same, please.

Doctor, could you spare me a minute?

I was going to come down
and see you tomorrow,

but as you're here now, it's my chest.

Not now. If you care to pop into
the surgery tomorrow.

Yeah. Well, if you'd have a look
at it now,

-it'll save me the time, you see?
-Doctor!

-You know about my foot...
-Yeah. I'm not holding surgery here.

Oh, God! Oh, my leg!

It's the one I told you about.
It's gone again.

I told you I can't find anything wrong
with your leg.

Yeah. That's what the other soppy
old sod used to say, innit?

He was baffled by it, too.

Ain't got the honesty to say
that they ain't got the knowledge.

No, no! They let me suffer.
I got to suffer through their ignorance.

Just my luck, innit?
To have a leg that's got to wait

for medical knowledge
to catch up with it.

It's the same with my chest.

They've had my chest down that surgery
for years now.

And it's never responded
to anything they've tried on it.

My chest has been all over London.

It's a bit like your leg, I'm afraid.
It's before its time.

I mean, I've had the odd month off
here and there,

but nothing like I've been entitled to.

I've even passed the army medical,
it did.

They sent me to war, a sick man.

But I'll tell you what, Alf,
if ever I catch anything else,

I pray to God
it's something they know about.

They get their money too easy
if you ask me.

-Try and cut down on the smoking.
-I don't smoke.

Got you there, didn't he, eh?

He's got something wrong with him
that smoking didn't cause.

I bet you're pleased
we popped in here tonight.

-Here you are.
-Cheers!

-Yeah, cheers.
-Yeah, well, don't drink too much of it.

Too much of it? How do you think
we're going to get too much of anything

on an old-age pension, eh?

Unless you care to prescribe it for us.

And I don't mean medicine.

A few juicy steaks on
the National Health.

That'd go a long way
to curing a lot of what's wrong

with people round here, I tell you.

Better than these will. Here, Doctor...

Them Valiums...
I mean, I prefer a drink me self

but, you know, they're very popular,
ain't they?

-You don't want them!
-why not?

-They're habit forming.
-So is this.

And so is this.

And they are habits I'm finding it
very hard to afford.

I mean, if you can put me in the way
of some cheaper habits, you know,

something that'll do the trick...

I would be very grateful, son.

Well, Valium and things like that,

they're really for people
who are very depressed

and finding it very difficult
to face life.

People who let things
get on top of them.

I'm very depressed.

I'm finding life very difficult to face.

(SHOUTING)
I'm letting things get on top of me.

And what you're doing with my daughter
is one of them!

Oh, come on! He's doing nothing wrong
with Rita, Mr Garnett.

Nothing wrong! Have you read this, eh?

He's a doctor.
He should know better, a doctor.

-Aids? What's that got to do with it?
-Well, has he been checked?

Been checked? He's a doctor.

Well, does that make him immune,
does it?

Well, I suppose the germs ignore him,
do they?

They say, "Oh, no.

"We mustn't give him anything.
He's a doctor."

Of course they catch things.
It's them what's spread it about, innit?

I mean, they catch things off
one patient, and give it to another.

It's why I don't like
going too near him.

Don't breathe all over me.

I tell you,
the more I see of doctors like him,

messing about with people's daughters...

I mean, he should be
one of the first to be checked.

I can assure you, Mr Garnett,
you need have no fears.

What, you've been cleared, have you?
I'm surprised the way you live.

(SIGHS)

Doctor, do you think I'd be wise
to get myself cleared?

-Ah, no. Not you.
-Why? What you been up to, Arthur?

Nothing! Well, not lately,
but I was in the war, wasn't I?

And I messed about a bit then.
And some of them was foreign girls.

And we was told not to mess about
with foreign girls,

but well, you know how it is.

I mean, well, nothing's shown yet.

Well, I mean, but, you know,
sometimes it lays dormant, don't it?

That's too far away, Arthur.
You've got to have done it lately.

Yeah. But they're going back farther
all the time, ain't they?

Yeah. But not as far as the war.

What about my wife,
do you think I ought to get her cleared?

DOCTOR: I'm afraid there's quite a bit
of hysteria developing about this.

I'm inclined to think that people
with Aids have more to fear from us

than we have from them.
Their immunity to disease is diminished

and the germs that we carry on us
can be lethal to them.

The germs we carry on us?
You speak for yourself.

Anyway, you're laughing, innit you, eh?
You should complain about germs.

Where you make all
your big profits, innit?

I mean, look at his lot with your Aids.

I mean, it's the best thing
that's ever happened to them, innit?

Marvellous for his business, that is.

He's rubbing his hands, they are.

Whee! Aids!

Aids means full employment

and bigger profits for him
and his mates, innit?

I mean, now they're talking about
compulsory blood tests, innit?

Look at all the money he can make.

Aids is a boom for your doctors.

Ooh! What a marvellous
new disease! Aids!

Ooh, there'll be a lot of money in that.
Stocks and shares are going up.

Compulsory blood tests.

We shall have to extend our premises
and take on a lot more staff.

Yes. Well, I must go.

I've got calls to make
and patients to see.

Oh, yes! Mustn't neglect the business.

Must open up the shop
for a few more hours, eh?

Keep the money rolling in. You
want to see someone who's sick, mate?

I am sick! There's one here
standing right in front of you.

I am sick! I'm sick of life!
Sick of this life, I am, I tell you.

And tired of the bloody unfairness
of it all!

Yeah! Never mind about...
I'll tell you something,

if I had some of the money that I paid
out in insurance in National Health,

I'd be a rich man, I would.

I wouldn't need that bloody, rotten,
stinking pension!

You're right, Mr Garnett.

Don't start on me,
I've got enough problems of my own.

ALF: It's one of them
dirty shops, innit?

ARTHUR: Yeah. Well, that's why
your windows are painted all over.

So as your casual passers-by
can't see anything and complain.

ALF: Disgusting!

You have to go inside to see it,
I think.

-Well, anything, sort of...
-Yeah. You know, like...

-Coming in?
-Should do, I suppose.

-Yeah.
-So as we know what sort of

depravities people get up to. I mean,
Lord Longford and Mary White house

they had to see it.

We got to see it.
I mean, can't hide from it.

-No, we got to go in.
-Oh, yeah.

Got to steel ourselves.

Like they done, you know, like

-Lord Longford and Mary White house.
-Yeah.

I mean, you've got to know what sort of
perversities you're up against.

-Yeah. Yeah.
-Ain't you?

There's no good hiding away from it.

I mean, if they hadn't searched it out
for us...

What? Lord Longford and Mary White house?

Yeah.

We wouldn't know what's going on,
would we?

No, right.

So, um, we...

well...

-After you, Arthur.
-Yeah.

Disgusting!

-Yeah.
-See...

You can see why they paint
the windows out, can't you?

Yeah.

Disgusting!

Cor, look at this!

It's disgusting.

What's he doing?

Well, that's what is called...

(STAMMERING)

Yeah.

I mean, decent, respectable people.

I mean, they shouldn't have to
look at things like this.

-No. Nor this.
-Bloody hell.

That's disgusting, that.

That's the sort of stuff
your Lord Longford used to take home

-for Mary White house to see.
-Yeah.

Oh, here. Look at this.
She'd like to see that.

Cor, dear our Lord. That's disgusting.

She ought to see that. Send it to her.

-And him.
-Oh, yeah.

And him. He ought to see it, too.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

-Hey, look at this. Look!
-What?

Look at the whips and chains and...

Well, bondage that is, you see.

There's people, Alf,
who like to be chained up and whipped.

There's men, you see,
who pay girls to do that.

But that'll hurt, wouldn't it?

There's some men
who like to lay down naked

and let girls walk all over them
with high stiletto heels on.

-Who does?
-It's a fact. It's their thing, like.

See...

They get a sexual thrill out of it.

It's not for the likes of you and me.
I mean, it's not a working-class thing.

It's more your...

It's more your upper classes
go in for that sort of thing.

It's a sort of perversion
they suffer from, you see.

It's passed down the line.

All to do with inbreeding, you see.

They like to keep it among themselves.

They never go outside
their own circle for it,

except for whores and prostitutes

when they're sowing their wild oats
sort of thing.

See, they like to try...

They like to try and keep themselves
thoroughbreds,

like their dogs and their horses.

And you never see
thoroughbred dogs and horses,

except they're highly sensitive,
as they call it.

Mad is the word.

And you see, I mean,
a dog will snap at you,

or if it's a horse,
he'll kick out at you.

That is why all your upper-class
families have got someone or other

locked away in the mad house.

You take your Conservative Party.

I mean, I don't mean
the ordinary voters like you.

The leaders of it.
See, they're always in sex scandals.

And I don't mean the sort of sex,

the ordinary sex,
that you and me would go in for.

News of the World sex.

But I mean,

your Labour Party
have their scandals, too.

Not sex scandals.

Well, that's 'cause they can't afford
the whores, you see.

Tell you what...

-I'll tell you what.
-What?

I'd like to get a few Labour MPs
in them chains

and put a whip to them, eh?

Arthur Scargill?

I'd pay for him to be whipped
and walked all over in high heels.

With Tessie O'Shea wearing them and all.

See, it's the same
with your upper classes with their food.

See, they never eat their food
till it's rotten.

Who don't?

-The upper classes, you see, I mean...
-Really?

Oh, yeah. Now, if they had a rabbit
or a hare, more like.

See, they wouldn't put it in a stew
like you or I would, or in a pie.

-No?
-No. No.

They hang it up in a cupboard
till it stinks the house out

before they eat it. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, they never eat it till it's old.

It's the same,
it's the same with their booze.

Wine, brandy, whiskey.
They don't drink that till it's old.

Oh, yeah. They won't drink that
while it's still fresh.

I'll buy this one.

Well, someone's got to see it. I mean...

Oh, you mean, to get it banned?

-Yeah. Well, someone's got to see it.
-Yeah.

Alf. Alf, are you coming?

-Here. Do you want to read this?
-No. Not out here.

Well, just till Later.
I can't take it home.

What's the matter? Are you scared
of your missus or something?

Of course not.

I just don't want her
to get the wrong idea, that's all.

-Go on. Here, take it.
-No, no. I don't want it.

No. I don't want it.

-Get off.
-Go on, now.

I don't want it.

(SCREAMING)

You filthy beast! It's disgusting.
Get that out of my sight.

-It's not mine.
-It's disgusting!

I'm going to call the police
and get you locked up.

It's not mine. It's his!

That filthy boy.
You found it in his room.

Oh, I told you he was no good.
I knew he was no good.

Ooh, God! I'll never be able to
sleep in my bed

knowing he's laying down here
beneath me,

harbouring evil thoughts of women.

Looking at pictures like that
and working himself up into...

Oh, God! He could pounce at any time.

(SCREAMING)

Tell him he must take that book and go.

Take that, and get out of this house.
You're disgusting.

Eh?

Don't deny that was found in your room.

-You've been poking about in my room?
-No.

I mean, Mr Garnett wouldn't have to

if you were decent and respectable
and behaved yourself in your room.

Well, hang on a minute.
Let me get this straight.

You are claiming that
you found this in my room?

-Don't you deny it.
-That's not mine.

-I said don't deny it.
-I'm not interested in books like this.

Ooh, how the lies fall off his tongue.

Yeah. Well, I don't want any more
of this filthy talk in my house.

I shall burn this.

-And throw him out.
-And throw him out.

You haven't got a fire.
You can't burn it on an electric fire.

Well, I shall... I shall tear it up.

I'll do it.

Page by page.

Anyone at home?
You coming up the pub, Alf?

-Yeah. I'll.. T'lLjust...
-The book. Have you got the book?

Is this it?

# Now my old darling
they've laid her down fo rest

# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart

# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS

# And they've gone and halved
me pension for a start

# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side

# Then I'll probably starve to death
that's what I'll do

# For richer or poorer
Bloody poorer that's a fact

# Just 'cause in sickness and in health
I said I do

# In sickness and in health
I said I do #