In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 2, Episode 7 - In Sickness and in Health - full transcript
Having been fired from his job as a - very curmudgeonly - department store Santa,Alf faces Christmas alone. Rita has won a trip to Spain but opts to take Mike to save her marriage whilst Mrs Hollingbery is visiting relatives and Fred Johnson makes it clear Alf is unwelcome. After an accident delivering for the local corner shop Alf is all alone in the house and his efforts to fake suicide cut no ice with Fred. Fortunately Winston comes to the rescue.
# Ding dong merrily on high
In heav'n the bells are ringing
# Ding dong verily the sky
is riv'n with angel singing
# Gloria
# Hosanna in excelsis
# Gloria
# Hosanna in excelsis #
Here he is. Here's Father Christmas.
I told you there was
Father Christmas, didn't I?
Go on, then. That's it.
Give Santa your note.
He's writ you a note.
Well, I writ it, he can't write.
Bloody schools don't teach them nothing,
they don't.
(CHUCKLES) Nothing useful.
Nothing be any good to him in afterlife.
Go on then, tell Santa what you want.
What's the matter?
Lost your tongue, have ya?
He wants a train set,
with stations and houses and people
walking about on the stations.
A robot, a football, football clothes,
Arsenal colours he wants,
he won't support West Ham like his dad.
And a scooter and a bike.
It's all down there.
Oh, yeah, and he wants to know
if you've got reindeers.
'Course he got reindeers,
I told you he got reindeers.
You've seen him on the telly with them.
Oh, yeah, and a turkey,
and a Christmas pudding
and some bottles of beer for his dad.
Now, brown ale he likes, but he says
light ale will do 'cause he ain't fussy.
Now, I put that on the note
about the turkey,
about a 10lb turkey would do.
'Cause you left us out last year,
I hope you know that.
I'll leave the window open.
Only don't leave the turkey outside,
case the cat gets it.
Look, I don't want your shopping list,
missus.
You want all them things,
go and buy them yourself. Go on.
Buy them? I can't buy nothing for him.
My husband's out of work.
-Well, that's not my fault.
-Oh, yes, it is.
It's your fault
we don't ever get nothing.
I've been writing notes to you for years
and you never come to us.
I seen it every year, the same.
You always seem to go to them
what's working and got good jobs
and plenty of money.
It's not fair, it seems the more
they got, the more you give 'em.
It's us you should visit,
the unemployed.
Yeah.
He's been left out every year
since he was born, he has.
It's like last year,
he asked for a pair of football boots
and the next door got them.
I took them back. I told them, I said,
"They're ours," I said,
"and the turkey".
I said, "That's what we asked for,"
Isaid. She said, "No," she said,
"My husband bought them." I said,
"Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, a likely story.
"They was on our note to Santa," I said.
"He's come down the wrong chimney,
that's what he's done."
I said to her, I said,
"Show me your note you put
up the chimney to Father Christmas."
'Cause we always keep a copy of ours.
Here, here's last year's.
We got none of that, did we?
"We don't put notes up the chimney
to Father Christmas," next door says.
Isaid, "Well, there you are then."
She called the police,
said we was drunk.
Ah, listen, I said it was Father
Christmas who was drunk, if you ask me.
Had a few and come down the wrong
chimney, that's what he's gone and done.
He's got himself drunk
and he's got the notes mixed up.
That's what he's gone and done,
I told her.
Here you are,
take this and hop it, go on.
Is that all he's gonna get?
Well, it's all he's gonna get off of me.
It's not fair. He ain't had nothing
off you since the day he was born.
Ain't you got nothing bigger
to give him?
Look, I'm not Father Christmas, am I?
Cor blimey, I'm out of work me self.
I'm an old age pensioner.
I sit here all bloody day
just to earn a few quid
because the 10 quid what the Government
gives us for Christmas
ain't enough to buy
ordinary Sunday dinner,
let alone a decent Christmas dinner.
Now, he's had his present,
now, hop it. There's others waiting.
-You're an imposter!
-What are you talking about, imposter?
There's no such thing as
Father Christmas, you bloody, silly cow.
(TOM CRYING)
Don't cry, Tom. Don't cry, don't cry.
Now look what you've done.
It's the only way I can get my kids
to behave at Christmas
is threaten them that if they don't,
Father Christmas won't come.
Look, if your kids don't behave, don't
threaten them with Father Christmas.
Don't threaten them with nothing.
Just lock them up in a dark cupboard
for a couple of hours
-till they come to their bloody senses.
-WOMAN: It's disgusting.
-Sod off.
-A swindle.
We paid money to come in here
and see Father Christmas
and now he goes and tells them
there ain't no Father Christmas.
-But, there ain't!
-You broke her little heart.
-Oh, shut up, you.
-That's it, go on.
Clout her. If you don't, they'll only
grow up to be bloody hooligans.
They believe in Santa Claus.
They believe anything, they will.
Stuff their heads with
all kinds of fairy tales, you can.
-It's woman, ain't, it?
-What?
It's woman. I mean,
when God created woman,
he didn't bother give her a brain,
did he?
Did you hear that?
Or not much of a one.
Just one big enough to understand man
-and to do his will for him.
-Ignorant pig.
-ALF: Shut up.
-That's another fairy story.
What is? Woman's brain?
No, God, heaven, hell, all that rubbish.
-What do you mean, rubbish?
-There's no heaven, take me word for it.
I don't take your word for it, mate,
you take my word for it.
There bloody well is heaven.
I should know,
I've got a wife who lives up there.
Who are you, anyway,
you bloody, ignorant Scouse git?
Listen, Her Majesty
the Queen believes in heaven.
And the Prime Minister believes
in heaven.
Archbishop of Canterbury
believes in heaven.
And Neil Kinnock if he wants
to be Prime Minister, God forbid,
he'll have to believe in heaven.
They are not allowed to have the job
unless they do believe in heaven.
So don't tell me people like that
don't know what they're talking about.
Listen, if anyone's climbing down
anybody's chimneys with presents,
it ought to be our chimneys they're
climbing down, us. Old age pensioners.
If anyone's giving away presents,
should be giving it to us!
Pensioners in need. We've had
enough of bloody children in need.
Let them wait till they're old.
Give it to them then.
They'll appreciate it more.
You're teaching them to grow up
to be scroungers and cadgers.
Crying and whining for presents.
Just because it's our Lord's birthday.
Well, it's his birthday,
not their bloody birthday.
Too much of this bloody scrounging
goes on at Christmas time.
What's going on here?
(ALL ARGUING)
So, you got the sack.
-He's a racist, isn't he?
-What do you mean racist?
What's that got to do
with him firing you?
-'Cause I'm white.
-Oh.
He fired me because I'm white.
If I was black, he wouldn't dare fire me
if I was black. Not here, not with
the bloody council we got here.
And because I'm old. Old age pensioner.
I ain't got no bloody trade union
to look after my interests, have I?
I could have him for that,
it's ageist, that is.
-Oh, stupid.
-It's not about stupid,
it's ageist, taking advantage
of old age pensioners
who ain't got no political clout.
(SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
You can turn that off.
Bloody white Christmas, God strewth!
You'll have the local council
secret thought police
kicking the front door down here.
Bet it's not very white
up there now, neither.
Not where old Bing Crosby is.
Not these days.
No. No, there's no blacks up there.
No, they've got their own heaven.
They got their own country, don't stop
them coming over here, does it?
You make me sick, you do.
Over 85% of the world's population
is coloured.
-Oh, yeah.
-RITA: Yeah.
Well most of them are living over here
in this country, ain't they?
Look, I said I'd come
and spend Christmas here with you
but if you going to go on like this,
I'm going to straight back to Liverpool.
My own husband is becoming hard
enough to live with but, God,
-at least he's not a racist.
-I'm not a racist.
Just 'cause I don't want tribes of
bloody foreigners all swarming over here
and crowding us out in our own country,
don't mean to say I'm a racist.
No, I don't like that either, Rita,
and I'm not a racist.
-You are rude to people.
-So are you.
-Not to their face.
-Who does?
You do. You got no respect
for people's feelings.
He comes right out with it. Whatever
he thinks of anyone, he says it,
while they're standing there.
Ooh, it's very embarrassing.
Don't know where to put myself,
sometimes.
At least if I want to talk
about someone,
I have the decency to wait
until they've left the room.
Not with me, you don't. You say
what you think about me to me face.
Well, you're different.
You don't matter.
-Why don't you two stop arguing?
-I'm not arguing.
Oh, it's going to be a great Christmas,
isn't it?
-You two arguing all the way through.
-It's her, innit?
Look! I'm trying to write this list,
what we need for Christmas.
-Well, we must have a turkey.
-I've ordered that.
And a tree, it'd be nice
to have a Christmas tree.
-I hope she's putting her share in.
-Everyone's putting their share in.
I'm just asking, that's all,
just asking.
And if you're thinking of getting me
a Christmas present...
well, I'm not.
I was just saying, if you were,
which I'm sure you're not,
buy me something useful.
Not something
I'll have to throw away afterwards.
Don't worry, my dear. I wouldn't dream
of putting you to all that trouble.
-Rita?
-What?
If he's going to be stupefied with drink
all over Christmas, count me out.
-I'll go to my sister's.
-Go to your bloody sister's then.
Shut up! Shut up, the two of you!
(RITA SIGHS DEEPLY)
You know all these houses,
where these have to go?
I was born here, mate.
This is good time.
Jesus time very good time for business.
Everybody spend lots of money,
Jesus time.
They buy plenty Jesus presents,
Jesus turkey, Jesus tree, Jesus pudding.
Ah, yes, good man, Jesus.
Jesus, patron saint of shopkeeper.
It is very good of him,
that he is born this time of year.
Very good for business.
Good time of year to have Jesus holiday.
Look, it's not Jesus time,
it's Christmas time.
Well, what's the difference?
You are simply splitting hairs.
Jesus Christmas, that is his name.
And why is it
if he is king of the Jew boys,
he has a Mexican name?
Listen, Sabu, his Christian name...
His Christian name is Jesus,
his surname is Christ, you see, like...
You're Mr Kittel, right.
Your surname is Kittel.
-And your Christian name is...
-I'm not a Christian.
I know that.
You must have a Christian name.
-But I am not Christian.
-Well, your Jew's not Christian!
Your Arab's not Christian, but he's got
a Christian name, ain't he?
Look, I'll explain you, like, um...
Gunga Din, right? Now...
Din, that is his surname.
He's Mr Din, right?
See? And Gunga,
that is his Christian name,
what his mates called him,
the other char wallahs, see?
Oh, I see.
Jesus, that is the name
his mates call him.
That's right.
His mates like Mathew, Mark, Luke, John.
You know, the blokes
he went out drinking with, see?
Christ. Christ was his surname,
like his business name.
See, I mean,
if he'd had a corner shop, like you,
well, the name they'd put over the shop
would be Christ, see?
He'd be known as Mr Christ.
Or it'd be Christ Limited or
Christ and Sons,
if he had any sons, that is.
-Dad, guess what? Guess what?
-What?
I can't guess nothing if you keep
jumping up and down
like a bloody maniac!
- (SHOUTING) What?
-I won a prize!
A holiday for two for Christmas
in Spain.
- (LAUGHING) Oh, blimey!
-RITA: In a luxury hotel!
-How'd you win that then?
-In a competition, in The Sun.
The Sun? Oh, God.
(LAUGHING) I'll tell you about it
when you get home.
Here, how about that then,
John-John, eh?
Blimey, holiday for two,
Christmas in Spain in the sunshine.
Wwho said 7he Sun's a lousy newspaper?
Get this lot delivered, be a bit
of pocket money for the old spagnoli.
(HUMMING Y VIVA ESPANA)
-Did Rita come over here?
-Yes.
And did she place
the order for Christmas?
You can place your own order, my dear.
We're off to Spain, me and Rita.
We're spending Christmas
in a luxury hotel in Spain!
-But what about me?
-Well, it's hard luck, innit?
-I'll be on my own.
-But you're not a child, my dear.
You've got your telly, ain't ya?
I was asked to spend Christmas
with my sister and I told her no
'cause I was spending Christmas
with you and Rita.
Well, you'll have to untell your sister,
won't you?
There you are, everything ready.
All you... Off you go.
-Right.
-Oh, just one minute.
# La-la-la-la-la
y viva Espafia
# La-la-la-la-la #
Oh, here he is. Here's Father Christmas.
-ALF: Clear off out of it.
-Father Christmas is nice.
-Did you get the note? Oh, yes.
-ALF: No, will you...
-Here's the crackers.
-ALF: Will you put that... Oi!
-Oh, and the turkey.
-ALF: Come here.
Come here with that.
Come here, that ain't yours.
-Come here, give it back.
-Don't forget his beer.
Oi! Come back here. Come...
Wait! Stop it!
(BANGING ON DOOR)
Open up. Come on.
Open up. I know you're in there.
-Open this door, I want my wheelchair!
-MAN: Bugger off.
ALF: I want my wheelchair!
Tell your father I want my wheel chair!
Look, &wana, it's how you is going
to get on out in Spain
because you can't speak Spanish.
No need to, sunshine, is there?
No need to 'cause they all speak English
out there.
They have to.
The Spanish has to learn English, see?
And you could have done that
in your country.
Turned it into a resort for us,
the English.
You've got the weather,
you've been taught to speak English,
well, the brighter one's have.
But no, no, all the fool's pride.
Fool's pride stands in the way,
Arthur, see?
Yeah, well, That's the trouble with
your foreigners ain't it?
Always has been, see? If only they'd
stick to doing what they're good at,
instead of always going
above their heads
and trying to do
what they're not capable of doing.
Leave all the superior tasks
to the English, you mean?
Well, God created the English
to run the world for him, didn't he?
-He put the English here first.
-The English was not here first.
-No, no, Moses was here first.
-Hearsay.
No, it's in the Good Book.
You can't believe everything you read
in books, Arthur.
Cor blimey. Books are like newspapers,
they print what they like.
Look, it said he went up a mountain
and met God.
-Hearsay.
-Yeah.
Was nobody else
up that mountain with Moses, was there?
ARTHUR: No.
I mean, nobody actually saw
Moses talking to God.
We've only got his word that he met God.
Mr. Garnett, you should excuse me,
he did meet God.
I'm not talking about your God, Ikey.
He looks old enough to have been there.
You know, my mother used to have
a picture of God in our house.
(SNICKERING)
And he looked just like him, you know.
Look, Moses came back down
off the mountain with these tablets.
-What tablets?
-Stone tablets.
Tablets made out of stone upon which
was written the Ten Commandments.
-Written on stone?
-Well, carved on it.
-They was carved on there, weren't they?
-And your Jews believed him?
-Yeah.
-(LAUGHING) Oh, blimey.
'Cause they wasn't as smart in them days
as they are now.
Look, Arthur, are you trying to tell me
that God, a clever man like God, see,
invented all the universe
and everything in it,
that he didn't have a writing pad
and a fountain pen?
He invented them things before we did.
Yeah, he had word processors even.
Telephones, television,
a video machine, even.
Typed out the Ten Commandments
on his word processor, he did.
And, "Moses, Moses", he says,
"Get them photocopied."”
What about the ancient Greeks
and your early Romans?
I mean, they came before us,
the English, didn't they?
-They was the English, Arthur.
-What, the Greeks?
No, the Romans.
The Romans took over from your Greeks.
I mean, the Romans,
they was the cleverest people
God had invented up until then, see?
Never mind laughing,
you just pay attention
you might learn something, Sambo.
God went to Rome and he said to Caesar,
he said, "Julius", he said, "you'll..."
He said, "You'll never make nothing
of yourself in a dump like this."
He said, "I want you to Marshall
your Roman legions
"and I will lead you unto
the Promised Land."
No, no, no, no. God told Moses
to lead the Jews to the Promised Land.
Promised Land? Israel? Ha!
Going away from the oil,
some Promised Land. No.
Here, England is the Promised Land.
They got the oil. This is where
he should have brought the Jews.
-Israel. All oranges.
-Ikey's right. He's right.
God brought Caesar and his Roman legions
here to this green and pleasant land.
And he said to Caesar, he said,
"Caesar", he said,
"I want you to rule the world for me,
from this place.
"And from henceforward,
this place will be known as England
"and you will be known as the English.”
He said,
"Mind you, you've got a bit of rubbish
"you got to clear out of here first."
There's your Celts, like your Scots,
your Irish and your Welsh.
They'd been squatting here.
He said, "Boot them out."
He said, "And then",
he said, "I want you to build for me
"the biggest empire ever,
in praise of my name.
"And that shall be known henceforward
as the British Empire."
And he said, "I have created for you
"plenty of swarthy-skinned serving races
to do your daily toil."
Which reminds me, Marigold,
my glass is empty.
Don't get carried away, bwana.
And take that stocking off your face.
It make you look damn ugly.
What's he talking about?
Now, I had this dream, see.
I had a visit from Else,
she'd come straight down from heaven.
Yeah, but it's only a dream.
Well, it might only be
a dream to you, Arthur,
but it's very real to me,
I can tell you.
Yeah, I mean, how was she?
Did she look all right?
Well, yeah, she looked better
than I can remember her.
Lot nicer, too. I know why.
I know why she'd come down to see me.
Well, you see,
wives are not allowed into heaven
without their husbands.
-Is that right?
-Yeah.
They have to sit and wait
in purgatory for them.
I mean, Else shouldn't sit in purgatory,
she was a good woman.
She was a good woman.
Yeah, but it don't matter, Arthur,
it's not important what she is.
It's all down to the husband, you see.
And they have to wait for him
to come up there to claim, to claim her.
And sort of apply for a visa for her,
you know, sponsor her, like.
'Cause I mean, a lot of husbands
don't claim their wives.
And then they become lost souls
and go wandering through heaven
for all eternity.
You know, she said,
she told me, she said
that it's a very nice place, heaven,
according to her.
Bit like Bournemouth, she said,
you know.
Lot more sun and the pubs
was open 24 hours a day.
And free crisps for everyone, Ikey.
No nagging, she said, you know.
It's not allowed.
There's big signs up all over the place.
"No nagging."
Women are not allowed to nag up there.
Well, as a matter of fact, women are
only allowed in on certain nights.
And then only in certain rooms
after 6:00 at night.
-Sounds a bit like a golf club.
-Mmm.
I hear you lost all
Mr Kittel's groceries.
(LAUGHS DERISIVELY)
What's he on about, huh?
It's not my fault, it was a silly woman.
Silly woman?
She got a free turkey, didn't she?
You want to watch it,
the Islamics have a heaven, you know.
And the only way
they can get into their heaven
is by killing an infidel.
Now, Mr Kittel is Islamic.
Now, after this afternoon,
I wouldn't be a bit surprised
if he hasn't already chosen his infidel.
This infidel he's got to kill
to get into his heaven, eh?
I'm just warning you.
Better lock your door, eh?
No. I'll buy him a drink in a minute.
He's all right.
If he does do you in,
you'll be laughing.
-What're you talking about?
-I mean, with a bit of luck
you could be up there for Christmas.
I bet they have a good Christmas
up there.
I'm going to Spain, ain't I?
(SHOUTING) what do you mean you're
taking your husband with you to Spain?
Look, Dad, my marriage is falling apart,
and I thought a holiday in Spain
and a nice hotel
and we might be able to patch it up.
What do you want to patch it up for?
Let it fall apart!
Leave him, come and live here with me.
we'll be happy.
Oh. Look, I didn't say
you could come to Spain, did I?
Not in so many words, but I thought...
Look, Rita, you said we'd spend
Christmas together this year.
You promised. You can't break a promise.
Yeah, but I promised Mike.
Well, you can break that promise.
Look, blimey, if you was
any kind of a daughter, you would.
And if you were any kind of father,
you wouldn't ask!
If you was any kind of a daughter,
I wouldn't have to!
-But Mike is my husband!
-And I am your father!
(DOOR SLAMS)
Well, you're not a child.
You've got your telly.
Oléf
Bloody knocker.
Come on. Come on. Bloody freezing here.
-Merry Christmas!
-Oh!
(SNIFFING)
This smells nice. I...
Just popped over to wish you
and your husband Merry Christmas.
I mean, friends should be together
this time of the year, eh?
-The old communal spirit, eh?
-Yes, well...
-Come in.
-Thanks.
No!
Thought we could have a Christmas drink.
We'll take it here.
-What, on the doorstep?
-Yes.
All right.
Here you are.
Merry Christmas.
MRS JOHNSON: That was rude!
FRED: Good! I enjoy being rude to him.
(CAR HONKING)
MOUTHING: Happy Christmas.
-Here. Did you buy me a present?
-No.
Hey. Hey!
Well, you're not having this.
(DOOR SLAMS)
Bloody swines.
Well, they can keep their Christmas.
I don't want it.
Sod the lot of them!
Bloody swines. I could top myself here.
Lonely pensioner.
It'd be on their conscience if I did.
It'd serve them right and all. Swines.
I've a good mind to do it. A good mind
to write a note and bloody well do it.
Show them up for what they are,
you bloody swines.
I hope they choke on their turkey
and their pudding.
They deserve the Russians
to drop a bomb on them.
That's the sort of Christmas
they deserve.
Call themselves bloody Christians.
(JINGLE BELLS PLAYING ON STEEL DRUMS)
Bloody coons.
Playing on their bloody dustbins,
I'll tell them!
-Why don't you bloody well...
-Merry Christmas, bwana/
Everybody, inside. Merry Christmas.
Come on, everybody!
(ALL WHOOPING)
Everybody inside, come on.
Sit, bwana.
(ALL CHATTERING)
Food on the table, everybody!
Merry Christmas, bwana.
who loves ya, baby?
In heav'n the bells are ringing
# Ding dong verily the sky
is riv'n with angel singing
# Gloria
# Hosanna in excelsis
# Gloria
# Hosanna in excelsis #
Here he is. Here's Father Christmas.
I told you there was
Father Christmas, didn't I?
Go on, then. That's it.
Give Santa your note.
He's writ you a note.
Well, I writ it, he can't write.
Bloody schools don't teach them nothing,
they don't.
(CHUCKLES) Nothing useful.
Nothing be any good to him in afterlife.
Go on then, tell Santa what you want.
What's the matter?
Lost your tongue, have ya?
He wants a train set,
with stations and houses and people
walking about on the stations.
A robot, a football, football clothes,
Arsenal colours he wants,
he won't support West Ham like his dad.
And a scooter and a bike.
It's all down there.
Oh, yeah, and he wants to know
if you've got reindeers.
'Course he got reindeers,
I told you he got reindeers.
You've seen him on the telly with them.
Oh, yeah, and a turkey,
and a Christmas pudding
and some bottles of beer for his dad.
Now, brown ale he likes, but he says
light ale will do 'cause he ain't fussy.
Now, I put that on the note
about the turkey,
about a 10lb turkey would do.
'Cause you left us out last year,
I hope you know that.
I'll leave the window open.
Only don't leave the turkey outside,
case the cat gets it.
Look, I don't want your shopping list,
missus.
You want all them things,
go and buy them yourself. Go on.
Buy them? I can't buy nothing for him.
My husband's out of work.
-Well, that's not my fault.
-Oh, yes, it is.
It's your fault
we don't ever get nothing.
I've been writing notes to you for years
and you never come to us.
I seen it every year, the same.
You always seem to go to them
what's working and got good jobs
and plenty of money.
It's not fair, it seems the more
they got, the more you give 'em.
It's us you should visit,
the unemployed.
Yeah.
He's been left out every year
since he was born, he has.
It's like last year,
he asked for a pair of football boots
and the next door got them.
I took them back. I told them, I said,
"They're ours," I said,
"and the turkey".
I said, "That's what we asked for,"
Isaid. She said, "No," she said,
"My husband bought them." I said,
"Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, a likely story.
"They was on our note to Santa," I said.
"He's come down the wrong chimney,
that's what he's done."
I said to her, I said,
"Show me your note you put
up the chimney to Father Christmas."
'Cause we always keep a copy of ours.
Here, here's last year's.
We got none of that, did we?
"We don't put notes up the chimney
to Father Christmas," next door says.
Isaid, "Well, there you are then."
She called the police,
said we was drunk.
Ah, listen, I said it was Father
Christmas who was drunk, if you ask me.
Had a few and come down the wrong
chimney, that's what he's gone and done.
He's got himself drunk
and he's got the notes mixed up.
That's what he's gone and done,
I told her.
Here you are,
take this and hop it, go on.
Is that all he's gonna get?
Well, it's all he's gonna get off of me.
It's not fair. He ain't had nothing
off you since the day he was born.
Ain't you got nothing bigger
to give him?
Look, I'm not Father Christmas, am I?
Cor blimey, I'm out of work me self.
I'm an old age pensioner.
I sit here all bloody day
just to earn a few quid
because the 10 quid what the Government
gives us for Christmas
ain't enough to buy
ordinary Sunday dinner,
let alone a decent Christmas dinner.
Now, he's had his present,
now, hop it. There's others waiting.
-You're an imposter!
-What are you talking about, imposter?
There's no such thing as
Father Christmas, you bloody, silly cow.
(TOM CRYING)
Don't cry, Tom. Don't cry, don't cry.
Now look what you've done.
It's the only way I can get my kids
to behave at Christmas
is threaten them that if they don't,
Father Christmas won't come.
Look, if your kids don't behave, don't
threaten them with Father Christmas.
Don't threaten them with nothing.
Just lock them up in a dark cupboard
for a couple of hours
-till they come to their bloody senses.
-WOMAN: It's disgusting.
-Sod off.
-A swindle.
We paid money to come in here
and see Father Christmas
and now he goes and tells them
there ain't no Father Christmas.
-But, there ain't!
-You broke her little heart.
-Oh, shut up, you.
-That's it, go on.
Clout her. If you don't, they'll only
grow up to be bloody hooligans.
They believe in Santa Claus.
They believe anything, they will.
Stuff their heads with
all kinds of fairy tales, you can.
-It's woman, ain't, it?
-What?
It's woman. I mean,
when God created woman,
he didn't bother give her a brain,
did he?
Did you hear that?
Or not much of a one.
Just one big enough to understand man
-and to do his will for him.
-Ignorant pig.
-ALF: Shut up.
-That's another fairy story.
What is? Woman's brain?
No, God, heaven, hell, all that rubbish.
-What do you mean, rubbish?
-There's no heaven, take me word for it.
I don't take your word for it, mate,
you take my word for it.
There bloody well is heaven.
I should know,
I've got a wife who lives up there.
Who are you, anyway,
you bloody, ignorant Scouse git?
Listen, Her Majesty
the Queen believes in heaven.
And the Prime Minister believes
in heaven.
Archbishop of Canterbury
believes in heaven.
And Neil Kinnock if he wants
to be Prime Minister, God forbid,
he'll have to believe in heaven.
They are not allowed to have the job
unless they do believe in heaven.
So don't tell me people like that
don't know what they're talking about.
Listen, if anyone's climbing down
anybody's chimneys with presents,
it ought to be our chimneys they're
climbing down, us. Old age pensioners.
If anyone's giving away presents,
should be giving it to us!
Pensioners in need. We've had
enough of bloody children in need.
Let them wait till they're old.
Give it to them then.
They'll appreciate it more.
You're teaching them to grow up
to be scroungers and cadgers.
Crying and whining for presents.
Just because it's our Lord's birthday.
Well, it's his birthday,
not their bloody birthday.
Too much of this bloody scrounging
goes on at Christmas time.
What's going on here?
(ALL ARGUING)
So, you got the sack.
-He's a racist, isn't he?
-What do you mean racist?
What's that got to do
with him firing you?
-'Cause I'm white.
-Oh.
He fired me because I'm white.
If I was black, he wouldn't dare fire me
if I was black. Not here, not with
the bloody council we got here.
And because I'm old. Old age pensioner.
I ain't got no bloody trade union
to look after my interests, have I?
I could have him for that,
it's ageist, that is.
-Oh, stupid.
-It's not about stupid,
it's ageist, taking advantage
of old age pensioners
who ain't got no political clout.
(SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
You can turn that off.
Bloody white Christmas, God strewth!
You'll have the local council
secret thought police
kicking the front door down here.
Bet it's not very white
up there now, neither.
Not where old Bing Crosby is.
Not these days.
No. No, there's no blacks up there.
No, they've got their own heaven.
They got their own country, don't stop
them coming over here, does it?
You make me sick, you do.
Over 85% of the world's population
is coloured.
-Oh, yeah.
-RITA: Yeah.
Well most of them are living over here
in this country, ain't they?
Look, I said I'd come
and spend Christmas here with you
but if you going to go on like this,
I'm going to straight back to Liverpool.
My own husband is becoming hard
enough to live with but, God,
-at least he's not a racist.
-I'm not a racist.
Just 'cause I don't want tribes of
bloody foreigners all swarming over here
and crowding us out in our own country,
don't mean to say I'm a racist.
No, I don't like that either, Rita,
and I'm not a racist.
-You are rude to people.
-So are you.
-Not to their face.
-Who does?
You do. You got no respect
for people's feelings.
He comes right out with it. Whatever
he thinks of anyone, he says it,
while they're standing there.
Ooh, it's very embarrassing.
Don't know where to put myself,
sometimes.
At least if I want to talk
about someone,
I have the decency to wait
until they've left the room.
Not with me, you don't. You say
what you think about me to me face.
Well, you're different.
You don't matter.
-Why don't you two stop arguing?
-I'm not arguing.
Oh, it's going to be a great Christmas,
isn't it?
-You two arguing all the way through.
-It's her, innit?
Look! I'm trying to write this list,
what we need for Christmas.
-Well, we must have a turkey.
-I've ordered that.
And a tree, it'd be nice
to have a Christmas tree.
-I hope she's putting her share in.
-Everyone's putting their share in.
I'm just asking, that's all,
just asking.
And if you're thinking of getting me
a Christmas present...
well, I'm not.
I was just saying, if you were,
which I'm sure you're not,
buy me something useful.
Not something
I'll have to throw away afterwards.
Don't worry, my dear. I wouldn't dream
of putting you to all that trouble.
-Rita?
-What?
If he's going to be stupefied with drink
all over Christmas, count me out.
-I'll go to my sister's.
-Go to your bloody sister's then.
Shut up! Shut up, the two of you!
(RITA SIGHS DEEPLY)
You know all these houses,
where these have to go?
I was born here, mate.
This is good time.
Jesus time very good time for business.
Everybody spend lots of money,
Jesus time.
They buy plenty Jesus presents,
Jesus turkey, Jesus tree, Jesus pudding.
Ah, yes, good man, Jesus.
Jesus, patron saint of shopkeeper.
It is very good of him,
that he is born this time of year.
Very good for business.
Good time of year to have Jesus holiday.
Look, it's not Jesus time,
it's Christmas time.
Well, what's the difference?
You are simply splitting hairs.
Jesus Christmas, that is his name.
And why is it
if he is king of the Jew boys,
he has a Mexican name?
Listen, Sabu, his Christian name...
His Christian name is Jesus,
his surname is Christ, you see, like...
You're Mr Kittel, right.
Your surname is Kittel.
-And your Christian name is...
-I'm not a Christian.
I know that.
You must have a Christian name.
-But I am not Christian.
-Well, your Jew's not Christian!
Your Arab's not Christian, but he's got
a Christian name, ain't he?
Look, I'll explain you, like, um...
Gunga Din, right? Now...
Din, that is his surname.
He's Mr Din, right?
See? And Gunga,
that is his Christian name,
what his mates called him,
the other char wallahs, see?
Oh, I see.
Jesus, that is the name
his mates call him.
That's right.
His mates like Mathew, Mark, Luke, John.
You know, the blokes
he went out drinking with, see?
Christ. Christ was his surname,
like his business name.
See, I mean,
if he'd had a corner shop, like you,
well, the name they'd put over the shop
would be Christ, see?
He'd be known as Mr Christ.
Or it'd be Christ Limited or
Christ and Sons,
if he had any sons, that is.
-Dad, guess what? Guess what?
-What?
I can't guess nothing if you keep
jumping up and down
like a bloody maniac!
- (SHOUTING) What?
-I won a prize!
A holiday for two for Christmas
in Spain.
- (LAUGHING) Oh, blimey!
-RITA: In a luxury hotel!
-How'd you win that then?
-In a competition, in The Sun.
The Sun? Oh, God.
(LAUGHING) I'll tell you about it
when you get home.
Here, how about that then,
John-John, eh?
Blimey, holiday for two,
Christmas in Spain in the sunshine.
Wwho said 7he Sun's a lousy newspaper?
Get this lot delivered, be a bit
of pocket money for the old spagnoli.
(HUMMING Y VIVA ESPANA)
-Did Rita come over here?
-Yes.
And did she place
the order for Christmas?
You can place your own order, my dear.
We're off to Spain, me and Rita.
We're spending Christmas
in a luxury hotel in Spain!
-But what about me?
-Well, it's hard luck, innit?
-I'll be on my own.
-But you're not a child, my dear.
You've got your telly, ain't ya?
I was asked to spend Christmas
with my sister and I told her no
'cause I was spending Christmas
with you and Rita.
Well, you'll have to untell your sister,
won't you?
There you are, everything ready.
All you... Off you go.
-Right.
-Oh, just one minute.
# La-la-la-la-la
y viva Espafia
# La-la-la-la-la #
Oh, here he is. Here's Father Christmas.
-ALF: Clear off out of it.
-Father Christmas is nice.
-Did you get the note? Oh, yes.
-ALF: No, will you...
-Here's the crackers.
-ALF: Will you put that... Oi!
-Oh, and the turkey.
-ALF: Come here.
Come here with that.
Come here, that ain't yours.
-Come here, give it back.
-Don't forget his beer.
Oi! Come back here. Come...
Wait! Stop it!
(BANGING ON DOOR)
Open up. Come on.
Open up. I know you're in there.
-Open this door, I want my wheelchair!
-MAN: Bugger off.
ALF: I want my wheelchair!
Tell your father I want my wheel chair!
Look, &wana, it's how you is going
to get on out in Spain
because you can't speak Spanish.
No need to, sunshine, is there?
No need to 'cause they all speak English
out there.
They have to.
The Spanish has to learn English, see?
And you could have done that
in your country.
Turned it into a resort for us,
the English.
You've got the weather,
you've been taught to speak English,
well, the brighter one's have.
But no, no, all the fool's pride.
Fool's pride stands in the way,
Arthur, see?
Yeah, well, That's the trouble with
your foreigners ain't it?
Always has been, see? If only they'd
stick to doing what they're good at,
instead of always going
above their heads
and trying to do
what they're not capable of doing.
Leave all the superior tasks
to the English, you mean?
Well, God created the English
to run the world for him, didn't he?
-He put the English here first.
-The English was not here first.
-No, no, Moses was here first.
-Hearsay.
No, it's in the Good Book.
You can't believe everything you read
in books, Arthur.
Cor blimey. Books are like newspapers,
they print what they like.
Look, it said he went up a mountain
and met God.
-Hearsay.
-Yeah.
Was nobody else
up that mountain with Moses, was there?
ARTHUR: No.
I mean, nobody actually saw
Moses talking to God.
We've only got his word that he met God.
Mr. Garnett, you should excuse me,
he did meet God.
I'm not talking about your God, Ikey.
He looks old enough to have been there.
You know, my mother used to have
a picture of God in our house.
(SNICKERING)
And he looked just like him, you know.
Look, Moses came back down
off the mountain with these tablets.
-What tablets?
-Stone tablets.
Tablets made out of stone upon which
was written the Ten Commandments.
-Written on stone?
-Well, carved on it.
-They was carved on there, weren't they?
-And your Jews believed him?
-Yeah.
-(LAUGHING) Oh, blimey.
'Cause they wasn't as smart in them days
as they are now.
Look, Arthur, are you trying to tell me
that God, a clever man like God, see,
invented all the universe
and everything in it,
that he didn't have a writing pad
and a fountain pen?
He invented them things before we did.
Yeah, he had word processors even.
Telephones, television,
a video machine, even.
Typed out the Ten Commandments
on his word processor, he did.
And, "Moses, Moses", he says,
"Get them photocopied."”
What about the ancient Greeks
and your early Romans?
I mean, they came before us,
the English, didn't they?
-They was the English, Arthur.
-What, the Greeks?
No, the Romans.
The Romans took over from your Greeks.
I mean, the Romans,
they was the cleverest people
God had invented up until then, see?
Never mind laughing,
you just pay attention
you might learn something, Sambo.
God went to Rome and he said to Caesar,
he said, "Julius", he said, "you'll..."
He said, "You'll never make nothing
of yourself in a dump like this."
He said, "I want you to Marshall
your Roman legions
"and I will lead you unto
the Promised Land."
No, no, no, no. God told Moses
to lead the Jews to the Promised Land.
Promised Land? Israel? Ha!
Going away from the oil,
some Promised Land. No.
Here, England is the Promised Land.
They got the oil. This is where
he should have brought the Jews.
-Israel. All oranges.
-Ikey's right. He's right.
God brought Caesar and his Roman legions
here to this green and pleasant land.
And he said to Caesar, he said,
"Caesar", he said,
"I want you to rule the world for me,
from this place.
"And from henceforward,
this place will be known as England
"and you will be known as the English.”
He said,
"Mind you, you've got a bit of rubbish
"you got to clear out of here first."
There's your Celts, like your Scots,
your Irish and your Welsh.
They'd been squatting here.
He said, "Boot them out."
He said, "And then",
he said, "I want you to build for me
"the biggest empire ever,
in praise of my name.
"And that shall be known henceforward
as the British Empire."
And he said, "I have created for you
"plenty of swarthy-skinned serving races
to do your daily toil."
Which reminds me, Marigold,
my glass is empty.
Don't get carried away, bwana.
And take that stocking off your face.
It make you look damn ugly.
What's he talking about?
Now, I had this dream, see.
I had a visit from Else,
she'd come straight down from heaven.
Yeah, but it's only a dream.
Well, it might only be
a dream to you, Arthur,
but it's very real to me,
I can tell you.
Yeah, I mean, how was she?
Did she look all right?
Well, yeah, she looked better
than I can remember her.
Lot nicer, too. I know why.
I know why she'd come down to see me.
Well, you see,
wives are not allowed into heaven
without their husbands.
-Is that right?
-Yeah.
They have to sit and wait
in purgatory for them.
I mean, Else shouldn't sit in purgatory,
she was a good woman.
She was a good woman.
Yeah, but it don't matter, Arthur,
it's not important what she is.
It's all down to the husband, you see.
And they have to wait for him
to come up there to claim, to claim her.
And sort of apply for a visa for her,
you know, sponsor her, like.
'Cause I mean, a lot of husbands
don't claim their wives.
And then they become lost souls
and go wandering through heaven
for all eternity.
You know, she said,
she told me, she said
that it's a very nice place, heaven,
according to her.
Bit like Bournemouth, she said,
you know.
Lot more sun and the pubs
was open 24 hours a day.
And free crisps for everyone, Ikey.
No nagging, she said, you know.
It's not allowed.
There's big signs up all over the place.
"No nagging."
Women are not allowed to nag up there.
Well, as a matter of fact, women are
only allowed in on certain nights.
And then only in certain rooms
after 6:00 at night.
-Sounds a bit like a golf club.
-Mmm.
I hear you lost all
Mr Kittel's groceries.
(LAUGHS DERISIVELY)
What's he on about, huh?
It's not my fault, it was a silly woman.
Silly woman?
She got a free turkey, didn't she?
You want to watch it,
the Islamics have a heaven, you know.
And the only way
they can get into their heaven
is by killing an infidel.
Now, Mr Kittel is Islamic.
Now, after this afternoon,
I wouldn't be a bit surprised
if he hasn't already chosen his infidel.
This infidel he's got to kill
to get into his heaven, eh?
I'm just warning you.
Better lock your door, eh?
No. I'll buy him a drink in a minute.
He's all right.
If he does do you in,
you'll be laughing.
-What're you talking about?
-I mean, with a bit of luck
you could be up there for Christmas.
I bet they have a good Christmas
up there.
I'm going to Spain, ain't I?
(SHOUTING) what do you mean you're
taking your husband with you to Spain?
Look, Dad, my marriage is falling apart,
and I thought a holiday in Spain
and a nice hotel
and we might be able to patch it up.
What do you want to patch it up for?
Let it fall apart!
Leave him, come and live here with me.
we'll be happy.
Oh. Look, I didn't say
you could come to Spain, did I?
Not in so many words, but I thought...
Look, Rita, you said we'd spend
Christmas together this year.
You promised. You can't break a promise.
Yeah, but I promised Mike.
Well, you can break that promise.
Look, blimey, if you was
any kind of a daughter, you would.
And if you were any kind of father,
you wouldn't ask!
If you was any kind of a daughter,
I wouldn't have to!
-But Mike is my husband!
-And I am your father!
(DOOR SLAMS)
Well, you're not a child.
You've got your telly.
Oléf
Bloody knocker.
Come on. Come on. Bloody freezing here.
-Merry Christmas!
-Oh!
(SNIFFING)
This smells nice. I...
Just popped over to wish you
and your husband Merry Christmas.
I mean, friends should be together
this time of the year, eh?
-The old communal spirit, eh?
-Yes, well...
-Come in.
-Thanks.
No!
Thought we could have a Christmas drink.
We'll take it here.
-What, on the doorstep?
-Yes.
All right.
Here you are.
Merry Christmas.
MRS JOHNSON: That was rude!
FRED: Good! I enjoy being rude to him.
(CAR HONKING)
MOUTHING: Happy Christmas.
-Here. Did you buy me a present?
-No.
Hey. Hey!
Well, you're not having this.
(DOOR SLAMS)
Bloody swines.
Well, they can keep their Christmas.
I don't want it.
Sod the lot of them!
Bloody swines. I could top myself here.
Lonely pensioner.
It'd be on their conscience if I did.
It'd serve them right and all. Swines.
I've a good mind to do it. A good mind
to write a note and bloody well do it.
Show them up for what they are,
you bloody swines.
I hope they choke on their turkey
and their pudding.
They deserve the Russians
to drop a bomb on them.
That's the sort of Christmas
they deserve.
Call themselves bloody Christians.
(JINGLE BELLS PLAYING ON STEEL DRUMS)
Bloody coons.
Playing on their bloody dustbins,
I'll tell them!
-Why don't you bloody well...
-Merry Christmas, bwana/
Everybody, inside. Merry Christmas.
Come on, everybody!
(ALL WHOOPING)
Everybody inside, come on.
Sit, bwana.
(ALL CHATTERING)
Food on the table, everybody!
Merry Christmas, bwana.
who loves ya, baby?