In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 2, Episode 6 - Episode #2.6 - full transcript

# Now my old darling,
they've laid her down to rest

# And now I'm missing her with all me heart

# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS

# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start

# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side

# And I'll probably starve to death,
that's what I'll do

- # For richer or poorer...
- Bloody poorer, that's a fact.

# Just cos in sickness and in health
I said I do

# In sickness and in health I said I do #

That's a daft place to put toenails, innit?

Right on the end of your feet,
where you can't reach 'em. Come here!



Oh, Gawd!

Ha! Look at that little one there,
hiding behind all the others.

Come out of it!

What's it for? Come here!

(Knock on door)

Oh, Gawd, who's that now?

I'll bet it's for her upstairs.

She won't answer, bloody lazy cow.

If it's them Watchtower people,
they'll get a mouthful.

I'll give them bloody Jehovah.

- Look...
- Hello, Mr Garnett.

I bet you're surprised to see me.

Only, I was just passing, and Mrs Garnett
always said, if ever you're passing, pop in.

So here we are. Excuse me a minute. Yes.



I'm afraid that we erm...

.we can't stay very long.

Just a few days, that's all.

- Just a few days?
- Yes. This is my sister, Gwenneth.

Hello.

If you're speaking to me, speak up.

Speak up.

Here, you're not supposed to speak into that.

It's us. We're the ones
who speak into that.

There's no telling her. Anyway, I'm ever so glad
that you're willing to put up with us for a bit.

I knew you would.

She said to me, "I think we ought to write
and ask Mr Garnett,” and I said "No!"

I said, "No, there is no need
to write to Mr Garnett.

"Not about a thing like that,” I said.

"Mr and Mrs Garnett are old friends.”

This is Mr Garnett.
He's going to put us up for a few days.

- I'm putting you up?
- Yes. There you are.

I told you so.

Are we here?

"Are we here?" she says.
Of course we're here.

Where do you think we could be?
This is Mr Garnett.

Is this where we're going to stay?

Look, dear, don't shout in my ear'ole.

You're the one who's deaf.

I know you from somewhere, don't I?

- What's his name?
- Mr Garnett.

I never forget a face, you know.

But I can't think of his name.

Never mind, it'll come back.

I tell you what, watch my lips.

Now, look here.

This is Mr Garnett.

You remember him.

He used to live next door

to me and my Bert,

when we lived in Wapping.

Say that again.

This is Mr Garnett. You remember him.

He used to live next door to me and my Bert

when we lived in Wapping.

I never lived in Wapping.

It was you that lived in Wapping.

You moved over there
when you married your Bert.

Yes. And Mr Garnett lived next door to us.

He reminds me of that chap
who lived next door to you in Wapping.

That's what I said.

Are you? Are you the chap
that lived next door to her in Wapping?

Yes!

You see, I never forget a face.

I'll remember the name in a minute.

Oh, dear!

That is Mr Garnett.

- Yes...
- This is Mr Garnett.

Shut up a minute.

I'm trying to think.

Ah, that's it. Yes.

That's the name. That's him.

Garnett. That was the name, wasn't it?
Yes, it was.

Garnett. Mr Garnett.

That's who he was. Do you remember him?

Mr Garnett.

Oh, you couldn't forget him.
He was a nasty bit of work.

He married a very nice woman, though.
She was a lovely lady.

I can't think of her name.

I can't think why she wanted to marry him.
She could have done loads betterer without him.

Else. Her name was Else.

Mrs Garnett. That was her name.

I said it would come back.

I never forget a name, you know.

I may be a bit hard of hearing,

but my memory's as good as ever it was.

I never forget anything.

Not like her.

She forgets everything.
She's got a mind like a sleeve.

She... She forgets everything.

She'd forget her own head
if it wasn't screwed on.

You forgot Mr Garnett.

Par-don?

Don't whisper.
If you have anything to say, let's hear it.

Mr Garnett. You forgot.

Forgot? What? What did I forget?

I didn't forget any think.

Listen, if you had as many things to remember
as I've had to remember,

you'd forget a few things.

I mean, I've forgotten more things in my life

than you could ever remember.

So don't you tell me I've forgotten things.

Who's this?

Is this the gentleman we're going to stay with?

- Yes.
- Oh, I'm ever so pleased to see you.

Forgive my glove.

I've heard so much about you, you know.

I'm quite thrilled
at the thought of staying with you.

Have you got a big house here?

Oh, I see.

Now, don't apologise about anything,

because I know when my Harold passed on,

things was a bit difficult for me.

But I learned to adjust myself

and take things as they come along
and not complain.

Well, I never complained, did I, Min?

- No.
- Not at all.

So, there you are.

We all got to adjust ourselves just so,

and be grateful exactly,

and not get on each other's nerves.

And then, if I've behaved myself,

you can go home.

Oh, thank you, sir.

I say, you haven't introduced us.

This is Mr Garnett.

No, no, not him. Not Mr Garnett.

The gentleman who lives here.
What's his name?

Him? It's Mr Garnett.
Oh, you do make me cross.

- Come here. Is that thing switched on?
- Well, how should I know?

Let's have a see.

Testing, testing!

Yes, it's OK. I've switched it on now.
It was switched off.

Now then, what did you want to say?

She wanders a bit.

Anyway, it's ever so nice to see you again,
Mr Garnett. And you haven't changed a bit.

- Oh, neither have you.
- I'm talking to him, not you.

You go and sit down there, rest your feet a bit.

God, I wish she'd give her tongue a rest.

I mean, the deafness I can cope with,

but it's the constant jabber jabber jabber,
that's what gets me down.

Oi, oi, oi, oi, oil

Don't you start with me.

Funny how they get when they get old, eh?

- I hope it never happens to me.
- Oh! What do you mean? Get old?

You don't have to worry about that, Mr Garnett.
You're looking younger than ever.

But then you always was
a more virile man than my Bert.

I used to envy Mrs Garnett.

Yes, you see,
she's been lucky in marriage, she has.

She's had a man to share her life.

I have never known that pleasure, Mr Garnett.

My Bert, God rest his soul,

he was a good man.

But he could erm...
he could never awaken me.

No, not in the way a woman wants
to be awakened, Mr Garnett.

I have often wondered, you know,
what might not have happened,

say, you and me had met unencumbered.

But you mustn't harbour thoughts like that,
Mr Garnett.

It's not fair to Mrs Garnett.

- I say!
- Eh?

I know that face.

Puts me in mind of my Aunty Dolly.

Did you know my Aunty Dolly?

No, course not. Mr Garnett didn't know
Aunty Dolly, did you, Mr Garnett?

- What's she doing, then, hanging on his wall?
- Where?

- Here.
- That's the Queen, that is.

- That's Prince Philip.
- Who?

Her husband, Philip.

Aunty Dolly wasn't married.

Of course, there was talk of a man.
There always is.

- Yes.
- I say, I wouldn't blame her.

He's a gorgeous looking brute.

Is that your Bert?

My word, he's put on a bit of weight there,
hasn't he?

I wouldn't have recognised him.

That's the best I've seen him look.

Must be Christmas. He's smoking a cigar.

What's the matter with her eyes?
That's Winnie, anyone can see that.

- That's never our Winnie.
- It is! That's Winnie!

That is not Winnie.

Our Winnie was a lot more slimmer than that.

Besides, she never smoked cigars.

Not even at Christmas.

Gawd, she can't see, she can't hear.
And she's got a bloody valve missing, an' all.

Well, she's been ill, see.

Nothing to worry about.
It's just her brain, that's all.

Gone a bit funny in the head.

But heart, lungs, legs, everything else,
all in perfect working order, they are.

It's just that what is inside her head,

it's not kept up, you see, her brain.

It's not quite what it should be.

But then that is no great loss, not at her age.

I mean, it's good enough for what she needs,
isn't it?

I mean, some people, they've got weak hearts,
some have got weak lungs.

Now, say she had had a weak heart,

she could have got it transplanted.

But they can't transplant heads, you see.

It'll be nice for her when they can, though.

Only, I'm telling you, don't leave any matches
laying around.

She's set fire to our house
three times already.

And you've got a nice place here, Mr Garnett.

- 04, oi, oi, come on, out of it.
- Oh, that's a good idea. Bare feet.

My feet are killing me.

I heard voices.

Oh! You've got someone here.

- Well, I see I'm intruding.
- No, no, look!

- Just a minute.
- Come here.

- Just a minute. Where is Mrs Garnett?
- She's not here, is she?

I can see that,
and I know she's confined to a wheelchair.

But bringing a trollop like that in
behind her back...

- You don't understand.
- Oh, I understand all right, Mr Garnett.

- There's nothing wrong with my brain.
- No, look, it's not what you think.

- Is he up to something?
- (Knock on door)

- Blimey, who's that?
- Let's hope it isn't Mrs Garnett.

- No.
- But then, of course, she'd have her key.

Look... Wait a minute, will you?

Bloody door down!

- Oh, it's you.
- Thank you. What a welcome! "Oh, it's you."

- Aah!
- Oh, company.

- Hello, Rita.
- Hello, Min.

Hello, Joanie.

What a surprise, eh?

It's nothing to the surprise your mother
would have got if that had been her at the door.

It's disgusting, I think.

- My mother?
- Yes.

- Ain't you told her?
- I can't get a word in edgeways, can I?

- So you see...
- She's left him.

(Wails)

We're off.

(Hysterical wailing)

Look, there's no need for all that now.
It happened months ago.

Oh, I'm so upset.

That you could do this to her memory
and her hardly at rest, poor woman.

Ooh! How could you,

and with her upstairs, foul your own nest?

I forgive you.

I forgive you. I know, I know
that men have to do these sorts of things.

I know it's in their nature,
but why couldn't you have waited?

Why not let time go by?

Ooh, it is so awful!

But I forgive you.

(Snores)

I'm going up the pub!

Ain't you lucky?

Oh! Hello, Mr Garnett.

- You still here?
- Wild horses wouldn't drag me away.

I wouldn't leave you now,
not if you took a whip to me.

- Not now that you're in need.
- Need? What need?

In need of what you've been missing.
A woman's touch.

- What's that noise?
- It's Gwenneth. She's having a sleep.

- She's in your bed.
- She what?

She's in your bed.

In my bed? She's not sleeping in my bed.

She is sleeping in your bed. Listen to her.
Driving 'em home.

Well, she can bloody well get up again.
She's not sleeping in my bed.

- You can't disturb her now.
- I can disturb her now.

- Leave her for a while, Dad.
- Come and sit down and have your dinner.

Dinner? What? Lunch time dinner?

Yes. Sit down there.

It's meat pudding. I cooked it
specially for you. It's your favourite.

There. There's your knife.

There's your fork.

I'll go and get it for you. It's in the oven.

Oh, hello, Mr Garnett. You're back.

I've got dinner waiting for you upstairs.

No, it's quite all right.
He's got meat pudding here.

No, he don't want that.

I've got a nice roast for you upstairs,
Mr Garnett.

- Roast?
- Yes. Yorkshire pudding, baked potatoes.

Look, I've got new potatoes
and fresh garden peas.

Here, I've got
spotted dick and custard for you.

I've got apple pie, and you want custard,
I'll make you custard.

No! He's got custard waiting upstairs for him.

No, Mr Garnett is staying down here with me

to have his meat pudding
and his potatoes and peas.

- Yeah.
- Oh, no, you're not, are you, Mr Garnett?

Oh, yes, he is. Aren't you, Mr Garnett?

Mr Garnett would rather
come upstairs with me

and have roast beef and Yorkshire pudding.

Oh, no, he would not.

He would rather stay here with me

and have meat pudding,
new potatoes and fresh garden peas.

Open.

No! He's not having your meat pudding.

Next door's dog can have it.

What? Now come here!

(Dog barks and plate shatters)

There.

Mr Garnett is having my roast beef.

Oh, no, he's not.

Where are you going? Where are you going?

(Dog barks and plate shatters)

Well, lord of the boudoirs...

shall I make you a sandwich?

(Sings to himself)

There you are, Mr Garnett.
I've made you up a nice bed on the sofa.

Sofa? I am not sleeping on a bloody sofa.

Oh, hello, Mr Garnett.

I just thought I'd slip down

and give you my subscription
to your Prince Andrew's street party.

Erm... That can wait till morning,
can't it, Mr Garnett?

We were just going to bed.
I didn't hear you knock.

We don't stand on formalities,
do we, Mr Garnett?

It's not as though we're strangers.

Yes, well, good night.
Here you are, Mr Garnett.

Would you like two pillows?

- I am not sleeping on a bloody sofa.
- Oh, come on.

- No!
- Never mind "Come on.”

- No, you don't want to sleep on the sofa.
- No, I don't want to sleep on the sofa.

Good heavens, I should say not.

Look, I mean, if they've taken up all your room,
Mr Garnett, I can fix you up with a bed.

In my spare room.

No, you don't want to go dragging all the way
up them stairs this time of night,

do you, Mr Garnett?

Well, it won't be the first time.

Well, when a man is hard up, I suppose...

Mr Garnett doesn't need to be hard up, ever.

Yes, well, Mr Garnett is sleeping
down here tonight, on the sofa.

No, he's not. Are you, Mr Garnett?

Oh, yes, he is. Aren't you, Mr Garnett?

Oh, no, he's not.

Mr Garnett is not sleeping down here
on your sofa.

Mr Garnett is sleeping down here,
in his own bedroom, in his own bed.

Get out of the bloody way!

Oh! You wait!

There's your sister.

And here is your bloody luggage.

You can sleep on the sofa,

or make your peace with Mrs Hollingbery
and sleep in her spare room.

I'm sleeping down here in my own bed,
in my own bedroom. Good night!

Gwenneth, shall I make you a cup of tea?

Oh, Joanie, I'd love one, but I dursn't.

No liquid after 4pm, the doctor said.

Oh, well, I'll say good night.

- Good night.
- (Outraged howl)

Gordon bloody Bennett, she's wet my bed!

Shut up. Don't you laugh.

I can't help it if I'm incompetent.

Min forgot to pack my liners.

Mrs Hollingbery.

- Yes?
- Camille.

Camille?

Camille, erm...

Can I sleep in your spare room tonight?

Certainly...Alfred.

Come on. You can come upstairs with me.

I'll see that you're comfy.

Well, where's mine?

What do you mean, "Where's mine?"

Where's my breakfast?

I didn't cook you any. We thought you'd be
having yours upstairs with your lady love.

Look!

Shut up, you silly, fat cow. Shut up.

He doesn't deserve any.
The trouble you've caused.

- Trouble I caused? I caused?
- You upset Min and Gwenneth.

- What do you mean, I upset her?
- She's old. Treating her like you did!

Look... Oi, oi, oi, that's mine.

- Come here with that.
- Stop it. You're like a bloody big kid.

I'm like a bloody kid?
That's mine, that's my fried bread.

Oi, she's your sister.
Do teach her some bloody manners.

Soggy soldiers.

Look, can't you do some... Get off of it!

- Stop it! What's the matter with you?
- She's old.

Can't you do something about her?
Old? She's bloody senile.

They ought to do something
with people like her.

- Do something? Do what?
- I don't know, do I?

If she was a horse,
they'd bloody well shoot her.

I'm not eating that.
She's had her fingers all over that.

- Well, I'm not going to cook you anything else.
- Bloody women! Sod the lot of 'em.

Sod yourself.

He's a very virile man, you know.

He is even more virile
than what I had imagined him.

He must be, because her upstairs

is in love with something about him.

I don't know what it is.

Must be what made your mother
stay with him all those years.

- Must be.
- I've often wondered, yes.

You see, I've never had that from a man.
My Bert...

- Your Bert was a nice man.
- Oh, yes.

He was a good man.

But there was times
when I could have wished him different.

More friskier.

You see, Rita, that you can't see your father,
not how other women see him.

He's a crude man,

but that... Well, that animal thing about him,

- what he's got...
- Animal thing?

- Yes.
- Pig!

- Rita.
- What?

- It can be a pleasure.
- I'll say!

Now it's too late, Rita.
He's lost his head now, to her.

So I shan't come between 'em.

I got my sister to look after, see?

Mmm, I'm all she's got.

Is Mr Garnett here? Only, I've found
some bunting for his street party.

- That's nice.
- Erm... Mrs Hollingbery?

- Yes?
- You can have him.

You can have him. I've made up me mind.

He's yours. I don't want to come between you.

There's nothing between me and Mr Garnett.

He's yours now. I've give him to you.

I shall take my broken heart and go back
to Eastbourne with my poor sister.

- Oh, no. If you have a prior claim...
- We must forget the past.

Oh, buck up, Min.

I want to go home.

- I give him to you.
- No, no, I give him to you.

- No, I give him...
- He's yours. You must take him with you.

No, he's not. He's yours.

No! I am mine!

I don't belong to either of you.

You can clear off, the pair of you.

Bloody women! I'm surrounded
by four bloody women!

And a black gay poofter!

I'm going up Fred's café. Have my breakfast.

It might cost me a few bob,
but at least I'll be surrounded by men.

Ooh, aren't you the lucky one!

- Oow!
- I feel silly, sitting here.

- You look silly, sitting there.
- You said we was having a street party.

We are having a street party.
This is a street party.

- Well, where's the rest of the street?
- All at work, where they ought to be.

It's not my fault, is it, if nobody
down this street's got any feeling for royalty?

In the old days, this street
used to be famous for street parties.

- It'll be famous again, Arthur.
- Went on five days, VE Day, we did.

- Well, this one"ll go on for five days.
- I'm not sitting here for five days.

It's hard to have a street party
when people like you ain't got no party spirit.

- If you want a better party...
- Let's get the decorations done first.

Then we'll open up the party spirit.

Someone ought to try and get a piano going.
That's the way to put life into a party.

I know how to put life into a party.

But a piano helps.
You should get a piano going.

- But we ain't got one, have we?
- It's a good instrument.

- I know it's a good instrument.
- Marvellous for a party.

But only if you've got one!

You can't have a proper party,
not without a piano.

- Get that going and they'll all be out.
- Will you shut up about the bloody piano!

- We ain't got one.
- Pity.

I'll pity you with this bloody hammer
in a minute.

Anyway, even if we did have a piano,

what's the point?

- We got nobody that can play, have we?
- What about Marigold?

- What about Marigold?
- You're black.

- Well, we've had a lot of sun, ain't we?
- All you darkies got rhythm.

It's just our luck we got the one darkie
who's got no rhythm.

Gwenneth used to play the piano.

How can she play the piano? She's stone deaf.

Get off of me, you silly cow.

Beethoven was deaf,
but he could play the piano.

Nothing you could dance to.
Nothing you could sing to.

Will you shut up about the bloody piano?

Well, I'm going to go
and get my ghetto blaster. Huh!

- Dad, Min and Gwenneth are going.
- All right.

Good riddance.

Are you not going to say goodbye to them?

- In a minute!
- They're going now.

In a minute!

0i, you!

- This is my tree.
- That is not your tree.

It's on my side of the road,
it's outside my house.

Hey, what are you doing?

Move that table. Do you hear me?
I'm talking to you. Move that table!

- Sod off! We're having a street party.
- Shut up.

- We don't want a street party here, thank you.
- Well, I do.

A vote was taken, and the majority voted
not to have a street party, and you know that.

This is a democracy, my friend,
and the minority's got to be heard.

- But the minority was overruled.
- The minority didn't want to be overruled.

This is a free country
and the minority wants to have a street party.

Yeah, but the majority
did not want to have a street party.

The majority ain't having a street party.

The minority are having a street party.
Are you happy?

If you don't move that table,
I'm going to drive right through it.

- You leave that table alone.
- I'm going to move it.

Take your hands off that table. I'm warning you.

- Cheerio.
- Why don't you stay for the wedding?

No, no.

Remind me too much
of what might have been.

Are we going home now?

Yes, yes.

Bye-bye, then.
I'll tell Mr Garnett I've seen you.

(Alf) Here, I'm warning you...

Oh, she's forgot her bag.

Dad! Oh, Dad!

You lout!

You bloody lout!

You've ruined my car.

Who the bloody hell done that?

Here, Alf, I know someone who's got a piano.

# Now my old darling,
they've laid her down to rest

# And now I'm missing her with all me heart

# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS

# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start

# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side

# And I'll probably starve to death,
that's what I'll do

# For richer or poorer,
I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact

# Just cos in sickness and in health
I said I do

# In sickness and in health I said I do #