In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 2, Episode 5 - Episode #2.5 - full transcript
Rita buys Alf a jacket with medals sewn onto the breast pocket so he uses it to pretend that he is a disabled war veteran and gain a front row seat in Else's wheelchair at the football match. Unfortunately his dance of triumph when his team wins lets him down and later he gets involved in a row with a visiting Labour candidate after Rita has put a Vote Labour poster in the window.
# Now my old darling,
they've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# Cos I'll probably starve to death,
that's what I'll do
- # For richer or poorer...
- Bloody poorer, that's a fact!
# That's cos in sickness and in health
I said I do
# In sickness and in health I said I do #
(Door opens)
Where have you been?
I've been shouting for you!
- Shouting for me have you?
- For hours.
I was down the shops.
It's a wonder I never heard you.
I was only five streets away!
- Well, I ain't had no breakfast.
- Aw, I'm slacking, ain't I?
Well, I've been waiting hours!
I know, I'll get
a tracksuit and running shoes.
That's what took the time, you see.
I walked. I should have run!
No need to be sarky.
I'm not being sarky.
I'm neglecting you, ain't I?
You shouldn't have to sit here
shouting for your breakfast.
It's not fair. It should be
all ready, waiting for you!
I'll go and cook it for you now!
Shall I run a bath for you
while you're waiting?!
There's a button off my coat, too!
- Never mind. I bought a new one.
- A new one?
Yeah. I popped into a jumble sale
while I was out.
Jumble sale?
I'm not wearing castoffs!
Bloody second-hand clothes? Poo!
This is what you're wearing. Look.
Hmm.
Try it on.
It fits.
Hmm.
Must have been an old soldier's.
Hero more like.
Look at them medals.
- Oh, I'll soon have them off...
- No.
No. Leave 'em.
Dad... Stand on this.
(Hums a fanfare)
- Go and make the breakfast.
- Yes, Colonel!
Eyes left!
Mmm.
(Cheering and chanting)
# Here we go, here we go
Here we go #
Oil There's a queue here, mate!
He's my friend.
I always sit next to him.
All right, all right, but take your turn.
You wanna reserve a place,
come early.
Don't come rushing up late,
expecting to jump the queue.
We got here early, mate.
You get here early.
- Cool it.
- Never mind about cool it!
Let him wait his turn.
All right, Mr Hargreaves,
you go through.
Never mind about him. I'll see to him.
Go on. You enjoy the game.
Oi! Fair is fair! I was here before him!
He's come here for years.
Him and his friend always sit together.
- I've been coming here for years!
- I've never seen you before.
I've never seen you before
but don't mean you never been here!
I know all my invalids.
- Well, you don't know me, do you?
- No, that's right. I don't know you.
(Whispers) Big mouth!
Anyway, it don't matter.
I've never been here
in my wheelchair before, see.
Normally, I struggle up to the stands
on my crutches.
I don't like to take advantage.
Not like some of 'em do.
Look, come on. Push me.
The teams will be coming out in a minute.
I like to see 'em run out.
- Have you got a ticket?
- Ticket?
Ticket? He don't need...
He's with me. He's my chauffeur.
- No, he can't come in here.
- Why not?
- You've got to wheel yourself in.
- Oh, that's marvellous, innit?
You wanna do him out of a job? Is that it?
We ain't got enough unemployment?
You wanna do him out of a job.
Cos he's black, is it?
It's got nothing to do with him being black.
Nothing? Oh, yeah.
They all say that, don't they, eh?
We got blackies playing for this team!
We've always had blackies
playing for this team
but you don't like blackies
watching 'em, do you?
I'm beginning to wonder whether
you're entitled to go in there.
- What did you say?
- Cool it!
Never mind! What did you say?
Entitled? Entitled?
These are my entitlement, mate!
I can't move 'em. I'm crippled.
I can't move them legs.
They're my entitlement!
You can't move 'em?
I can't walk on 'em, can I?
They're useless.
Don't you talk to me about entitlements.
Look at that. Look at that!
Where do you think I got that from?
I fought. I fought!
I was up to my neck in bullets.
Yes, well, I fought, too. We all fought.
Not as hard as that you never fought!
Very few people fought as hard as that!
These ain't half right, mate!
It's marvellous, eh?
You leave your legs
on a foreign battlefield
and when you come home,
this is how they treat you.
You didn't leave your legs anywhere!
You've still got your legs!
I might have left "em!
It's like the miracle of modern surgery
that I've still got 'em, innit?
As it is...
I'll never walk on 'em again.
Fair, innit?
Bloody fair.
You give your life for king and country
and this is how they treat you!
You give what?
(Cheering)
They're coming out!
A miracle! Look at me.
Behold! A miracle!
Them doctors said I'd never walk again.
Hallelujah!
Up the Hammers! Come on, you Irons!
Who's that blackie
we got playing for us now?
Parish. He's a good player, ain't he?
Good player? Blimey!
We had better blackies
than that playing for us.
Clive Best was better than that
and he was no bloody good.
West Ham was the first club
to have blackies playing for 'em.
They used to get 'em off the boats
Never bothered buying 'em football boots.
Just laced up their toes.
You are bloody sick, you know!
(Alf laughs)
Look, get on the pavement.
(Laughs) Bwana!
Stop that, will you?
Bloody fool, stop it!
What are you trying to do?
Are you trying to kill me?
Bloody fool! Stop it!
Mind what you're doing,
you bloody idiot!
This chair should have been sent back
to someone who needs it.
I need it.
To cheat your way into football grounds,
that's all you need it for.
Making out you're a big war hero.
Oh, Lord, God!
He didn't know
I wasn't a war hero, did he?
Unpatriotic swine!
You fight for your country
and that's the way they treat you.
Yeah, but you didn't fight, did you?
They're not your medals, are they?
Yeah, it's not the point.
He didn't know that, did he?
I was wearing a war hero's coat.
I was wearing a war hero's medals.
Nobody there knows that I wasn't him.
Yeah, well, you're a fake sitting
in that chair and I'm pushing you.
Why? I don't know because
there's nothing wrong with your legs.
Don't you tell me about my legs.
What do you know about my legs?
I'm the only who knows
what my legs are, mate,
and they're going.
- (Laughs)
- Never mind laughing!
They're on their way out, ain't they?
They're fading.
I can feel the strength
ebbing its way out of 'em.
Well, prevention's
better than cure, innit?
I am a thinking of the Health Service.
Not thinking of me.
I mean, you don't have to be bureaucratic
and wait until I can't walk on 'em at all
before I get a wheelchair,
like they done with my poor wife.
Catch 'em early.
That's what I'm doing.
You don't make
the same mistake twice, do you?
Catch 'em early.
That is the way to save
the Health Service money.
I'm thinking of them, not me.
Who stuck that in my window?
Who put that poster in my window?
I see West Ham lost.
That's got nothing to do with it!
I'm not having Labour posters
in my window.
I don't vote for 'em
and I ain't gonna advertise 'em!
Well, I vote for 'em
and Winston votes for 'em.
Well, I don't vote for 'em
and it's my window, innit?
- Fascist!
- Fascist? With them?
It might be your window
but it's a free country.
It might be a free country
out there, my dear,
but, in here, this is my home.
You said it was my home!
You said, "Come here and live with me.
This is your home. Your real home.”
So it is.
And I'm not allowed
to put a poster in the window?
You come home here and live, my dear,
and you can have your window
to stick your posters in.
Whoa! Whoa!
If I came and lived here, this... No!
This is where my window would be.
In the kitchen!
Tied to the bloody washing machine,
and the cooker!
Same as it was for Mum,
same as it is for any woman who's
a fool enough to live with a man!
Here we go. Here we go.
# Here we go, here we go #
Bloody Women's Lib again! For your...
Take that off!
For your information, my dear,
when you marry a man,
and I don't mean that Scouse layabout
you're married to...
A real man.
That's what I'm talking about.
One like you, you mean?
. - Ha!
hut up, you!
I didn't say a thing!
Facts. Facts, my dear.
Your Women's Lib close their eyes, their ears.
Who is it?
Who is it goes out
into the real world, the hard world,
outside of the cosy comfort of her home
and slaves for your woman, eh?
And who is it
who slaves like a unpaid lackey
in the cosy comfort of his home?
And who is it goes out and slaves
to pay the rent for his home
so it can be cosy and comfortable?
- His home!
- And hers, if she lives with him!
(Banging)
- Shut up, you!
- It's not her. It's next door.
He works his fingers to the bone...
(Banging)
That's her!
He works his fingers to the bone
to keep a roof over her head
but, no, blimey, your Women's Lib
don't take no account of that.
This is what's expected of him, innit?
And who is expected to fetch
and carry for him, eh?
Oh, and who is expected
to clothe and to feed her?
And what is he expected to do?
Is he expected to come home
and cook his own dinner
when he comes home from work, eh?
What? Keep a dog and bark yourself?
Dog? Dog?!
You'd like that, wouldn't you?
A dog to cook and clean for you!
A domestic animal who'd wag its tail
every time its master came in pissed...
You wash your mouth out!
...after spending half his money
boozing with his old cronies!
A dog... A dog would be more grateful!
A dog would know what side
his bread was buttered.
Oh, it's marvellous, innit, eh?
I mean, little did I know when I was creating
you that I was making a rod for my own back.
I mean, you want children, yes.
You struggle for them
against all adversities
to bring 'em up wanted and loved,
to dote upon 'em, to provide for them.
I worked as he is my witness. I've...
I worked hard, I did.
I didn't have much but what I had
was brought into this house
and spent upon you and your mother.
(She sniggers)
Yes, it was!
I cried. Some nights I cried and...
Oh.
I cried and I prayed to him
to be able to give you more.
I worked.
I worked all the hours God gave me.
Every bit of overtime there was,
I worked it.
Blimey, I come here...
I come home here some nights,
my back was breaking.
I couldn't lay on that bed for the aching,
the aching muscles that I'd strained
working for them I loved.
Praying and crying
and crying and praying
to give me the strength to carry on.
Not knowing that that little baby,
that tiny infant in its cot,
would one day turn
into a sword in my throat!
(She laughs)
I'll give you bloody laugh!
Poisoned and corrupted
by your bloody Women's Lib
and this Marxist, satanic, anti-Christian,
bolshie bastard, bloody, satanic,
Red rubbish!
And you're no better.
You let 'em stuff your head with rubbish, too.
You've killed the goose
that lays your golden egg.
- What golden eggs?
- Us. Us. The British Empire.
Your benefactors.
Who looked after you in the old days
when you was under us.
In the old days of your colonies.
But you wasn't very smart, was you?
If you'd had more up there
in them curly nuts of yours,
you'd have realised that.
You'd have known when you was well off.
You'd have left well alone.
You was popular in them days.
Women was popular.
Who'd marry one now knowing
how they was gonna be bloody treated?
But you was, you was popular
when you knew your place
and you served those
whose place was above you.
Until they stuffed your head
with all that Socialist rubbish
about Jack's as good as his master.
Well, Jack is not
as good as his master!
Blimey! Your worker...
He was popular at one time
with your ruling classes.
Everywhere you looked,
outside of every factory,
on every factory wall, it said, "Hands wanted.”
Hands wanted,
not heads stuffed full
of Arthur Scargill bloody rubbish!
Where are you now, eh?
All right, all right!
Don't be bloody facetious!
Bloody stupid kids!
Eh?
And are you any better off,
brother, sister, eh?
Blimey, in them days, we...
In them days,
we let you fight in our wars,
we let you join our armies, didn't we?
Blimey, we even let you have
your own regiments.
We filled your chest with medals.
Ones we won ourselves!
Yeah, all right.
But, I mean, you had a place
in our history.
We was friends. Shut up!
We was friends and we taught you our games.
We taught you
how to play cricket, didn't we?
Well, we could teach you now.
Yeah, all right.
You've come on a bit since then.
All right, you've come on a lot.
I'll give you fair-dos.
- You play the game quite well now.
- Too good for you!
Yeah, but you ain't mastered
the subtleties of our game, have you?
But we always win!
That's because you ain't learnt
to lose like gentlemen, innit?
Football, you're quite good at that,
some of you.
Bwana, there will come a time when the only
thing white about the English football team
will be their shirts.
Then there's boxing.
We might provide you with
the world heavyweight champion one day.
Not bloody Bruno!
But whatever his name is,
there's one thing for sure,
he's definitely gonna be black!
- (Knock on door)
- Who's that now?
Good evening, sir.
I'm here on behalf of the Labour Party.
You can sling your hook!
You've got one of our posters
in your window.
Had one of your posters in my window.
Can I talk to you
or perhaps to one of your children?
Get off my land!
- Get off your...
- Get off my land!
- Off his land?
- Yes, my land.
What? Two foot of porch?
Two foot, 50,000 acres,
don't make no difference, does it?
I pay rent and rate for that land.
Rent and rates, my dear,
and that is inviolate to me
and no one, not anybody
can set a foot on it
without an invite from me.
Englishman's castle.
- So if you don't mind...
- Dad!
Shut up, you! Go on!
- Is this all right?
- No. Go on, out.
- Stop it.
- Look, shut up! Out.
I'm on the public highway now.
Obstructing the entrance to my house.
Impeding access to his land.
Yes, loitering on my pavement.
Here, that's my doorstep, too.
He can stand on my half.
I might wanna vote Labour
if you don't.
No, it's all right. I'll stay here
but can I talk to you?
Yes, but stand on the porch.
- I just told him to...
- But it's her land, too.
- Half is hers.
- Well, he can stand on my half.
- Which half is that?
- The other half.
Look, half is mine.
The other half is hers, so she says.
It is.
Well, why don't you clean it
for a change, then?
Wipe your feet before you come in,
it wouldn't be so dirty.
Look, the other half is hers, see.
Yes, I understand the principle
but which is the other half?
The half that ain't mine,
you stupid bolshie bastard!
Just a minute!
Right, now then.
(Mumbles)
His. Hers.
- Right...
- Thank you.
Is this all right?
If she had any sense,
she wouldn't talk to him.
- I shall talk to who I want.
- You don't want to vote Labour.
I shall please myself.
It's between me and the ballot box
who I vote for.
Got nothing at all to do with you.
This is my half of the porch
and I can have anyone I like
to stand on it.
But you're a Catholic. It's against
your religion to vote Labour.
- Who told...? Who told you that?
- You did.
Oh, I never said any such thing!
Shirley Williams is a Catholic
and she used to vote Labour.
But she don't now.
No, I know she don't. She's SDP.
But when she wasn't SDP
and voted Labour,
it wasn't against her religion
as a Catholic to vote Labour
any more than it's against her
religion as a Catholic to vote SDP.
It's got nothing to at all to do
with her religion as a Catholic
any more than it's got anything to do
with my religion as a Catholic.
If I wanna vote Labour, I can vote Labour
and I can still be a good Catholic.
But I don't wanna vote Labour
because I'd rather vote SDP
because during the Spanish Revolution
out in Spain,
it was Labour who burnt down
the Catholic churches
and not only in Spain.
It was Labour out in Russia
who burnt down the Catholic churches
and I've never forgiven 'em for it.
So you can get off
my half of the porch, too.
And...
This... This Labour council
have even banned prayers
out of the council chamber now!
I mean, in a neighbourhood
that needs all the prayers it can get!
It needs more than prayers, my dear.
It needs a bloody miracle round here!
Well, you vote SDP,
if that's what you want. I wouldn't.
I mean, you vote according
to the lead of your conscience
and your parish priest.
- You vote SDP. I wouldn't.
- Here, here...
Too many ex-Labourites in your SDP,
like your Shirley Williams
and your David Owen for my liking.
Now if there were a few Tories
in your SDP,
well, might give 'em a go
and vote for 'em next time round.
But they'd have to get
a new leader, I tell you.
Dr David Owen? Oh, blimey!
I wouldn't like him as my GP.
He might be able to diagnose
what's wrong with you
but I bet he wouldn't be able
to prescribe for it.
Very well put.
You see, the SDP have no consistent...
Why don't you put a sock in it, son?
It wasn't Labour who burnt down
the churches in Spain and Russia,
it was the Communists.
They all look the same to me.
The same way his lot do.
There's a big difference.
You see, the Labour Party
believes in parliamentary democracy.
What are you talking about?
Democracy, eh?
Getting their own way.
That's your politicians' idea of democracy.
They're all natural dictators. All of 'em.
- All of 'em?
- Yes!
It's their world, my dear, not ours.
We're just an embarrassment to them,
we are.
Except when there's a war on,
they want us to fight it for "em.
Or when they want our votes,
and they have to come knocking on
our door like bloody brush salesmen!
And begging them off us,
cadging them off us.
They should be made to buy our votes!
Give us cash up front for 'em.
Blimey, in the old days, my dear,
you got a sack of coal for your vote.
What do they offer you now, eh?
Promises. Bloody promises, innit?
At least in the old days after the election,
you still had your sack of coal
What have you got now, eh?
Bloody sack of lies and empty promises!
- The only promises...
- I don't want any coal.
- The only prom...
- Coal's no use to me. Not up there.
- The only...
- I'm all electric.
- The...
- When it works.
- The only...
- That plug's gone again in my fire.
The only...
I can't make a cup of tea
nor nothing.
What I'm trying to...
When is this council gonna get
some decent electricity round here?
Like her next door's got. Hers works.
I mean, we pay enough rent!
Will you shut up? Shut up! Shut up!
Look...
- We'll look into it, Mrs...
- Hollingbery.
- Hollingbery.
- Look, the only...
That's the flat upstairs, is it?
Well, I can promise you we'll get...
There, there.
Promises, see? Promises. Promises.
The only promises
that your politician keeps, my dear,
is the promises he makes to his self.
The only better Britain he's interested in
is the better Britain he wants for his self.
The only new houses he'll build
is the new house
he's building for his self,
what goes with his new job
and a new car that goes with it!
All I want is an electric kettle
that works and a bit off the rent.
Them ballot papers, my dear,
that you and I put our X on...
You see, it may only be
a bit of paper to us
but to them they're gold.
They're pure bloody gold.
Treasury and oats.
I've never met a politician yet
or a bloody trade union leader
or a town counsellor
or any of the "I'm doing this
for the betterment of Britain" brigade
who didn't end up a bloody sight richer
when he finished than when he started!
I tell you, living in this country
is like driving in a car with a drunk
who don't know where you wanna go
or how to get you there if you did,
driving up streets the wrong way,
charging through red lights.
You'd take his keys off him if you had
any sense or wasn't as drunk as he is.
What they ought to do, see,
what we ought to do with all your politicians
is take 'em out and shoot 'em!
Bang! Bang!
That way we'd have
a few decent politicians
or no bloody politicians at all!
- Can I just say something?
- I ain't finished yet!
No, I thought you probably hadn't.
Through the chair, comrade.
Through the chair.
You bloody politicians never let
anyone get a word in edgeways.
Worse than Wogan, you are!
So what they ought to do,
what might improve this country a bit,
is make all your politicians,
all your "make Britain a better place
to live in" bloody brigade,
make 'em go and live in the slums,
not up their in their posh houses.
Put the prime minister, her house
and all your bloody cabinet down here.
Let 'em mix with the bloody rubbish
we have to mix with.
Might see a bit of improvement, then.
Let Margaret Thatcher come down here and live.
Let her get mugged a few times.
Let her have
her bloody handbag stolen!
Let her get raped!
Yeah, let her try...
Let her put up with some of the hooligans
we have to put up with!
Let her darlin® Dennis drink in
some of the pubs I have to drink in.
She might do something
about law and order then,
instead of making promises about it
all the time,
if she had to come down here
and live among your criminal classes!
Criminal classes?
What criminal classes?
Here. This bloody street is full of 'em!
They're working-class people.
Don't you tell me what they are.
I live here amongst them.
These are your criminals, mate.
The ones who can't afford
to go and live in Spain!
It's where they live,
where they come home to.
Blimey, visiting day at Wormwood Scrubs,
there's five charabancs leave this street.
You don't wanna waste money
building new prisons. No!
Just move all the innocents out
and build a bloody great wall
round the rest of 'em.
I fought for this country, mate!
Yes, I can see you fought, sir.
Yeah, and you come along,
you toffee-nosed little twit, you...
and you're trying to tell me how to run it?
I take your point, sir, but...
And what did I get
out of fighting for it, eh?
I'm sure you'll tell me.
A wife who spent her life
in a bloody wheelchair, didn't she?
And she got nothing out of it!
And where I lay my head at night, mate,
I have to pay exorbitant rent
to a bloody council
that's always babbling on about
what they're gonna do for people!
People? Blimey!
The one thing I never knew, mate,
was when I fought that war,
what I didn't know was
it wasn't my country I was fighting it for.
It was my bloody landlord's country!
Yes, I can see that you fought.
That's a fine display of medals.
Good Lord! Isn't that the Mons Star?
- He won't talk about it.
- He's never told anyone.
He's my father. He's never breathed
a word about what he's been through.
- You don't get those for nothing.
- £1.20 including the coat.
What?
(Mouths) Nothing.
It's men like him
that's made this country what it is.
Dad, why don't you come inside
and take the weight off your war wounds?
Why don't you clear off, eh?
Look at 'em.
The party's over! The fun's finished!
Ain't you never heard
of political discussion before?
Pathetic. Look at 'em. (Bleats)
Blooming marvellous, eh?
And they're gonna be allowed to vote.
It's like letting the inmates of a loony bin
decide who's gonna be allowed in
and who's gonna be let out.
No wonder you all have to put a cross
on your ballot paper, innit?
A cross. A mark of ignorance!
The more ignorant your voter is,
the better the government likes it.
Blimey! That's why they won't spend no money
on schools, innit?
Eh? They might go on about Russia
but I'll tell you something, mate,
it's a political system that all
the governments of this country envy.
One party, one vote.
It takes all the uncertainty
out of elections, don't it?
And them who don't like it, Siberia!
Excuse me, Mr Garnett.
I am the Conservative candidate.
Can I count on your vote?
Just a minute. Just a minute!
You used to be with the Labour Party.
Oh, yes. When I first come here,
I was with Labour.
But now I have corner shop,
I am Conservative with Mrs Thatcher.
That's amazing! It's typical, isn't it?
We build you a community centre...
Oh, so very good of you!
Cos your brother-in-law, Jerry,
he built the community centre.
Jerry? My brother-in-law's not Jerry.
You've got the wrong chap, old chap!
I have not got
the wrong chap, old chap.
They say community centre is Jerry-built
by councillor's brother-in-law.
That's why it fall down
and no questions asked.
And who is it gets my black balls at golf club?
I had nothing to do
with your black balls.
You.
- It is you gets me black balls.
- Black balls? It was your handicap!
And my black face. Oh, yes!
I am very welcome at golf club.
Using broom. Sweep, sweep.
Oh, very good fellow.
But not use golf stick, old chap!
That's it innit? That's the last straw.
Blimey! I've heard it all now.
From now on, it's number one.
That'll make a change!
Margaret Thatcher
says do your own thing,
feather your own nest,
stand on your own two feet.
It's the age of the spear, innit?
So sod you, Jack! I'm all right!
Thank you very much. God bless. Ta.
Silver collection, sir.
Don't forget those who serve.
Thank you very much.
Very kind of you, ma'am,
God bless you.
Don't forget those who serve.
Thank you very much, dear. God bless.
He did his part for the country.
He made it a free world
that it is today.
- Old soldier..
- Did his part.
Two for you...
two for me.
Two for you, two for me.
Two.
Why are you getting more than me?
I'm your entrepreneur, ain't I?
Taking advantage of the weak, Arthur.
Yeah.
Speaking like the rest of 'em.
No, the gold ones, they're for me.
I mean, you talk about bloody Band Aid,
I reckon
I've just invented Chair Aid.
Any luck I might get an OBE out of this.
# Now my old darling,
they've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all my heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# Cos I'll probably starve to death,
that's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact
# That's cos in sickness and in health
I said I do
# In sickness and in health I said I do #
they've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# Cos I'll probably starve to death,
that's what I'll do
- # For richer or poorer...
- Bloody poorer, that's a fact!
# That's cos in sickness and in health
I said I do
# In sickness and in health I said I do #
(Door opens)
Where have you been?
I've been shouting for you!
- Shouting for me have you?
- For hours.
I was down the shops.
It's a wonder I never heard you.
I was only five streets away!
- Well, I ain't had no breakfast.
- Aw, I'm slacking, ain't I?
Well, I've been waiting hours!
I know, I'll get
a tracksuit and running shoes.
That's what took the time, you see.
I walked. I should have run!
No need to be sarky.
I'm not being sarky.
I'm neglecting you, ain't I?
You shouldn't have to sit here
shouting for your breakfast.
It's not fair. It should be
all ready, waiting for you!
I'll go and cook it for you now!
Shall I run a bath for you
while you're waiting?!
There's a button off my coat, too!
- Never mind. I bought a new one.
- A new one?
Yeah. I popped into a jumble sale
while I was out.
Jumble sale?
I'm not wearing castoffs!
Bloody second-hand clothes? Poo!
This is what you're wearing. Look.
Hmm.
Try it on.
It fits.
Hmm.
Must have been an old soldier's.
Hero more like.
Look at them medals.
- Oh, I'll soon have them off...
- No.
No. Leave 'em.
Dad... Stand on this.
(Hums a fanfare)
- Go and make the breakfast.
- Yes, Colonel!
Eyes left!
Mmm.
(Cheering and chanting)
# Here we go, here we go
Here we go #
Oil There's a queue here, mate!
He's my friend.
I always sit next to him.
All right, all right, but take your turn.
You wanna reserve a place,
come early.
Don't come rushing up late,
expecting to jump the queue.
We got here early, mate.
You get here early.
- Cool it.
- Never mind about cool it!
Let him wait his turn.
All right, Mr Hargreaves,
you go through.
Never mind about him. I'll see to him.
Go on. You enjoy the game.
Oi! Fair is fair! I was here before him!
He's come here for years.
Him and his friend always sit together.
- I've been coming here for years!
- I've never seen you before.
I've never seen you before
but don't mean you never been here!
I know all my invalids.
- Well, you don't know me, do you?
- No, that's right. I don't know you.
(Whispers) Big mouth!
Anyway, it don't matter.
I've never been here
in my wheelchair before, see.
Normally, I struggle up to the stands
on my crutches.
I don't like to take advantage.
Not like some of 'em do.
Look, come on. Push me.
The teams will be coming out in a minute.
I like to see 'em run out.
- Have you got a ticket?
- Ticket?
Ticket? He don't need...
He's with me. He's my chauffeur.
- No, he can't come in here.
- Why not?
- You've got to wheel yourself in.
- Oh, that's marvellous, innit?
You wanna do him out of a job? Is that it?
We ain't got enough unemployment?
You wanna do him out of a job.
Cos he's black, is it?
It's got nothing to do with him being black.
Nothing? Oh, yeah.
They all say that, don't they, eh?
We got blackies playing for this team!
We've always had blackies
playing for this team
but you don't like blackies
watching 'em, do you?
I'm beginning to wonder whether
you're entitled to go in there.
- What did you say?
- Cool it!
Never mind! What did you say?
Entitled? Entitled?
These are my entitlement, mate!
I can't move 'em. I'm crippled.
I can't move them legs.
They're my entitlement!
You can't move 'em?
I can't walk on 'em, can I?
They're useless.
Don't you talk to me about entitlements.
Look at that. Look at that!
Where do you think I got that from?
I fought. I fought!
I was up to my neck in bullets.
Yes, well, I fought, too. We all fought.
Not as hard as that you never fought!
Very few people fought as hard as that!
These ain't half right, mate!
It's marvellous, eh?
You leave your legs
on a foreign battlefield
and when you come home,
this is how they treat you.
You didn't leave your legs anywhere!
You've still got your legs!
I might have left "em!
It's like the miracle of modern surgery
that I've still got 'em, innit?
As it is...
I'll never walk on 'em again.
Fair, innit?
Bloody fair.
You give your life for king and country
and this is how they treat you!
You give what?
(Cheering)
They're coming out!
A miracle! Look at me.
Behold! A miracle!
Them doctors said I'd never walk again.
Hallelujah!
Up the Hammers! Come on, you Irons!
Who's that blackie
we got playing for us now?
Parish. He's a good player, ain't he?
Good player? Blimey!
We had better blackies
than that playing for us.
Clive Best was better than that
and he was no bloody good.
West Ham was the first club
to have blackies playing for 'em.
They used to get 'em off the boats
Never bothered buying 'em football boots.
Just laced up their toes.
You are bloody sick, you know!
(Alf laughs)
Look, get on the pavement.
(Laughs) Bwana!
Stop that, will you?
Bloody fool, stop it!
What are you trying to do?
Are you trying to kill me?
Bloody fool! Stop it!
Mind what you're doing,
you bloody idiot!
This chair should have been sent back
to someone who needs it.
I need it.
To cheat your way into football grounds,
that's all you need it for.
Making out you're a big war hero.
Oh, Lord, God!
He didn't know
I wasn't a war hero, did he?
Unpatriotic swine!
You fight for your country
and that's the way they treat you.
Yeah, but you didn't fight, did you?
They're not your medals, are they?
Yeah, it's not the point.
He didn't know that, did he?
I was wearing a war hero's coat.
I was wearing a war hero's medals.
Nobody there knows that I wasn't him.
Yeah, well, you're a fake sitting
in that chair and I'm pushing you.
Why? I don't know because
there's nothing wrong with your legs.
Don't you tell me about my legs.
What do you know about my legs?
I'm the only who knows
what my legs are, mate,
and they're going.
- (Laughs)
- Never mind laughing!
They're on their way out, ain't they?
They're fading.
I can feel the strength
ebbing its way out of 'em.
Well, prevention's
better than cure, innit?
I am a thinking of the Health Service.
Not thinking of me.
I mean, you don't have to be bureaucratic
and wait until I can't walk on 'em at all
before I get a wheelchair,
like they done with my poor wife.
Catch 'em early.
That's what I'm doing.
You don't make
the same mistake twice, do you?
Catch 'em early.
That is the way to save
the Health Service money.
I'm thinking of them, not me.
Who stuck that in my window?
Who put that poster in my window?
I see West Ham lost.
That's got nothing to do with it!
I'm not having Labour posters
in my window.
I don't vote for 'em
and I ain't gonna advertise 'em!
Well, I vote for 'em
and Winston votes for 'em.
Well, I don't vote for 'em
and it's my window, innit?
- Fascist!
- Fascist? With them?
It might be your window
but it's a free country.
It might be a free country
out there, my dear,
but, in here, this is my home.
You said it was my home!
You said, "Come here and live with me.
This is your home. Your real home.”
So it is.
And I'm not allowed
to put a poster in the window?
You come home here and live, my dear,
and you can have your window
to stick your posters in.
Whoa! Whoa!
If I came and lived here, this... No!
This is where my window would be.
In the kitchen!
Tied to the bloody washing machine,
and the cooker!
Same as it was for Mum,
same as it is for any woman who's
a fool enough to live with a man!
Here we go. Here we go.
# Here we go, here we go #
Bloody Women's Lib again! For your...
Take that off!
For your information, my dear,
when you marry a man,
and I don't mean that Scouse layabout
you're married to...
A real man.
That's what I'm talking about.
One like you, you mean?
. - Ha!
hut up, you!
I didn't say a thing!
Facts. Facts, my dear.
Your Women's Lib close their eyes, their ears.
Who is it?
Who is it goes out
into the real world, the hard world,
outside of the cosy comfort of her home
and slaves for your woman, eh?
And who is it
who slaves like a unpaid lackey
in the cosy comfort of his home?
And who is it goes out and slaves
to pay the rent for his home
so it can be cosy and comfortable?
- His home!
- And hers, if she lives with him!
(Banging)
- Shut up, you!
- It's not her. It's next door.
He works his fingers to the bone...
(Banging)
That's her!
He works his fingers to the bone
to keep a roof over her head
but, no, blimey, your Women's Lib
don't take no account of that.
This is what's expected of him, innit?
And who is expected to fetch
and carry for him, eh?
Oh, and who is expected
to clothe and to feed her?
And what is he expected to do?
Is he expected to come home
and cook his own dinner
when he comes home from work, eh?
What? Keep a dog and bark yourself?
Dog? Dog?!
You'd like that, wouldn't you?
A dog to cook and clean for you!
A domestic animal who'd wag its tail
every time its master came in pissed...
You wash your mouth out!
...after spending half his money
boozing with his old cronies!
A dog... A dog would be more grateful!
A dog would know what side
his bread was buttered.
Oh, it's marvellous, innit, eh?
I mean, little did I know when I was creating
you that I was making a rod for my own back.
I mean, you want children, yes.
You struggle for them
against all adversities
to bring 'em up wanted and loved,
to dote upon 'em, to provide for them.
I worked as he is my witness. I've...
I worked hard, I did.
I didn't have much but what I had
was brought into this house
and spent upon you and your mother.
(She sniggers)
Yes, it was!
I cried. Some nights I cried and...
Oh.
I cried and I prayed to him
to be able to give you more.
I worked.
I worked all the hours God gave me.
Every bit of overtime there was,
I worked it.
Blimey, I come here...
I come home here some nights,
my back was breaking.
I couldn't lay on that bed for the aching,
the aching muscles that I'd strained
working for them I loved.
Praying and crying
and crying and praying
to give me the strength to carry on.
Not knowing that that little baby,
that tiny infant in its cot,
would one day turn
into a sword in my throat!
(She laughs)
I'll give you bloody laugh!
Poisoned and corrupted
by your bloody Women's Lib
and this Marxist, satanic, anti-Christian,
bolshie bastard, bloody, satanic,
Red rubbish!
And you're no better.
You let 'em stuff your head with rubbish, too.
You've killed the goose
that lays your golden egg.
- What golden eggs?
- Us. Us. The British Empire.
Your benefactors.
Who looked after you in the old days
when you was under us.
In the old days of your colonies.
But you wasn't very smart, was you?
If you'd had more up there
in them curly nuts of yours,
you'd have realised that.
You'd have known when you was well off.
You'd have left well alone.
You was popular in them days.
Women was popular.
Who'd marry one now knowing
how they was gonna be bloody treated?
But you was, you was popular
when you knew your place
and you served those
whose place was above you.
Until they stuffed your head
with all that Socialist rubbish
about Jack's as good as his master.
Well, Jack is not
as good as his master!
Blimey! Your worker...
He was popular at one time
with your ruling classes.
Everywhere you looked,
outside of every factory,
on every factory wall, it said, "Hands wanted.”
Hands wanted,
not heads stuffed full
of Arthur Scargill bloody rubbish!
Where are you now, eh?
All right, all right!
Don't be bloody facetious!
Bloody stupid kids!
Eh?
And are you any better off,
brother, sister, eh?
Blimey, in them days, we...
In them days,
we let you fight in our wars,
we let you join our armies, didn't we?
Blimey, we even let you have
your own regiments.
We filled your chest with medals.
Ones we won ourselves!
Yeah, all right.
But, I mean, you had a place
in our history.
We was friends. Shut up!
We was friends and we taught you our games.
We taught you
how to play cricket, didn't we?
Well, we could teach you now.
Yeah, all right.
You've come on a bit since then.
All right, you've come on a lot.
I'll give you fair-dos.
- You play the game quite well now.
- Too good for you!
Yeah, but you ain't mastered
the subtleties of our game, have you?
But we always win!
That's because you ain't learnt
to lose like gentlemen, innit?
Football, you're quite good at that,
some of you.
Bwana, there will come a time when the only
thing white about the English football team
will be their shirts.
Then there's boxing.
We might provide you with
the world heavyweight champion one day.
Not bloody Bruno!
But whatever his name is,
there's one thing for sure,
he's definitely gonna be black!
- (Knock on door)
- Who's that now?
Good evening, sir.
I'm here on behalf of the Labour Party.
You can sling your hook!
You've got one of our posters
in your window.
Had one of your posters in my window.
Can I talk to you
or perhaps to one of your children?
Get off my land!
- Get off your...
- Get off my land!
- Off his land?
- Yes, my land.
What? Two foot of porch?
Two foot, 50,000 acres,
don't make no difference, does it?
I pay rent and rate for that land.
Rent and rates, my dear,
and that is inviolate to me
and no one, not anybody
can set a foot on it
without an invite from me.
Englishman's castle.
- So if you don't mind...
- Dad!
Shut up, you! Go on!
- Is this all right?
- No. Go on, out.
- Stop it.
- Look, shut up! Out.
I'm on the public highway now.
Obstructing the entrance to my house.
Impeding access to his land.
Yes, loitering on my pavement.
Here, that's my doorstep, too.
He can stand on my half.
I might wanna vote Labour
if you don't.
No, it's all right. I'll stay here
but can I talk to you?
Yes, but stand on the porch.
- I just told him to...
- But it's her land, too.
- Half is hers.
- Well, he can stand on my half.
- Which half is that?
- The other half.
Look, half is mine.
The other half is hers, so she says.
It is.
Well, why don't you clean it
for a change, then?
Wipe your feet before you come in,
it wouldn't be so dirty.
Look, the other half is hers, see.
Yes, I understand the principle
but which is the other half?
The half that ain't mine,
you stupid bolshie bastard!
Just a minute!
Right, now then.
(Mumbles)
His. Hers.
- Right...
- Thank you.
Is this all right?
If she had any sense,
she wouldn't talk to him.
- I shall talk to who I want.
- You don't want to vote Labour.
I shall please myself.
It's between me and the ballot box
who I vote for.
Got nothing at all to do with you.
This is my half of the porch
and I can have anyone I like
to stand on it.
But you're a Catholic. It's against
your religion to vote Labour.
- Who told...? Who told you that?
- You did.
Oh, I never said any such thing!
Shirley Williams is a Catholic
and she used to vote Labour.
But she don't now.
No, I know she don't. She's SDP.
But when she wasn't SDP
and voted Labour,
it wasn't against her religion
as a Catholic to vote Labour
any more than it's against her
religion as a Catholic to vote SDP.
It's got nothing to at all to do
with her religion as a Catholic
any more than it's got anything to do
with my religion as a Catholic.
If I wanna vote Labour, I can vote Labour
and I can still be a good Catholic.
But I don't wanna vote Labour
because I'd rather vote SDP
because during the Spanish Revolution
out in Spain,
it was Labour who burnt down
the Catholic churches
and not only in Spain.
It was Labour out in Russia
who burnt down the Catholic churches
and I've never forgiven 'em for it.
So you can get off
my half of the porch, too.
And...
This... This Labour council
have even banned prayers
out of the council chamber now!
I mean, in a neighbourhood
that needs all the prayers it can get!
It needs more than prayers, my dear.
It needs a bloody miracle round here!
Well, you vote SDP,
if that's what you want. I wouldn't.
I mean, you vote according
to the lead of your conscience
and your parish priest.
- You vote SDP. I wouldn't.
- Here, here...
Too many ex-Labourites in your SDP,
like your Shirley Williams
and your David Owen for my liking.
Now if there were a few Tories
in your SDP,
well, might give 'em a go
and vote for 'em next time round.
But they'd have to get
a new leader, I tell you.
Dr David Owen? Oh, blimey!
I wouldn't like him as my GP.
He might be able to diagnose
what's wrong with you
but I bet he wouldn't be able
to prescribe for it.
Very well put.
You see, the SDP have no consistent...
Why don't you put a sock in it, son?
It wasn't Labour who burnt down
the churches in Spain and Russia,
it was the Communists.
They all look the same to me.
The same way his lot do.
There's a big difference.
You see, the Labour Party
believes in parliamentary democracy.
What are you talking about?
Democracy, eh?
Getting their own way.
That's your politicians' idea of democracy.
They're all natural dictators. All of 'em.
- All of 'em?
- Yes!
It's their world, my dear, not ours.
We're just an embarrassment to them,
we are.
Except when there's a war on,
they want us to fight it for "em.
Or when they want our votes,
and they have to come knocking on
our door like bloody brush salesmen!
And begging them off us,
cadging them off us.
They should be made to buy our votes!
Give us cash up front for 'em.
Blimey, in the old days, my dear,
you got a sack of coal for your vote.
What do they offer you now, eh?
Promises. Bloody promises, innit?
At least in the old days after the election,
you still had your sack of coal
What have you got now, eh?
Bloody sack of lies and empty promises!
- The only promises...
- I don't want any coal.
- The only prom...
- Coal's no use to me. Not up there.
- The only...
- I'm all electric.
- The...
- When it works.
- The only...
- That plug's gone again in my fire.
The only...
I can't make a cup of tea
nor nothing.
What I'm trying to...
When is this council gonna get
some decent electricity round here?
Like her next door's got. Hers works.
I mean, we pay enough rent!
Will you shut up? Shut up! Shut up!
Look...
- We'll look into it, Mrs...
- Hollingbery.
- Hollingbery.
- Look, the only...
That's the flat upstairs, is it?
Well, I can promise you we'll get...
There, there.
Promises, see? Promises. Promises.
The only promises
that your politician keeps, my dear,
is the promises he makes to his self.
The only better Britain he's interested in
is the better Britain he wants for his self.
The only new houses he'll build
is the new house
he's building for his self,
what goes with his new job
and a new car that goes with it!
All I want is an electric kettle
that works and a bit off the rent.
Them ballot papers, my dear,
that you and I put our X on...
You see, it may only be
a bit of paper to us
but to them they're gold.
They're pure bloody gold.
Treasury and oats.
I've never met a politician yet
or a bloody trade union leader
or a town counsellor
or any of the "I'm doing this
for the betterment of Britain" brigade
who didn't end up a bloody sight richer
when he finished than when he started!
I tell you, living in this country
is like driving in a car with a drunk
who don't know where you wanna go
or how to get you there if you did,
driving up streets the wrong way,
charging through red lights.
You'd take his keys off him if you had
any sense or wasn't as drunk as he is.
What they ought to do, see,
what we ought to do with all your politicians
is take 'em out and shoot 'em!
Bang! Bang!
That way we'd have
a few decent politicians
or no bloody politicians at all!
- Can I just say something?
- I ain't finished yet!
No, I thought you probably hadn't.
Through the chair, comrade.
Through the chair.
You bloody politicians never let
anyone get a word in edgeways.
Worse than Wogan, you are!
So what they ought to do,
what might improve this country a bit,
is make all your politicians,
all your "make Britain a better place
to live in" bloody brigade,
make 'em go and live in the slums,
not up their in their posh houses.
Put the prime minister, her house
and all your bloody cabinet down here.
Let 'em mix with the bloody rubbish
we have to mix with.
Might see a bit of improvement, then.
Let Margaret Thatcher come down here and live.
Let her get mugged a few times.
Let her have
her bloody handbag stolen!
Let her get raped!
Yeah, let her try...
Let her put up with some of the hooligans
we have to put up with!
Let her darlin® Dennis drink in
some of the pubs I have to drink in.
She might do something
about law and order then,
instead of making promises about it
all the time,
if she had to come down here
and live among your criminal classes!
Criminal classes?
What criminal classes?
Here. This bloody street is full of 'em!
They're working-class people.
Don't you tell me what they are.
I live here amongst them.
These are your criminals, mate.
The ones who can't afford
to go and live in Spain!
It's where they live,
where they come home to.
Blimey, visiting day at Wormwood Scrubs,
there's five charabancs leave this street.
You don't wanna waste money
building new prisons. No!
Just move all the innocents out
and build a bloody great wall
round the rest of 'em.
I fought for this country, mate!
Yes, I can see you fought, sir.
Yeah, and you come along,
you toffee-nosed little twit, you...
and you're trying to tell me how to run it?
I take your point, sir, but...
And what did I get
out of fighting for it, eh?
I'm sure you'll tell me.
A wife who spent her life
in a bloody wheelchair, didn't she?
And she got nothing out of it!
And where I lay my head at night, mate,
I have to pay exorbitant rent
to a bloody council
that's always babbling on about
what they're gonna do for people!
People? Blimey!
The one thing I never knew, mate,
was when I fought that war,
what I didn't know was
it wasn't my country I was fighting it for.
It was my bloody landlord's country!
Yes, I can see that you fought.
That's a fine display of medals.
Good Lord! Isn't that the Mons Star?
- He won't talk about it.
- He's never told anyone.
He's my father. He's never breathed
a word about what he's been through.
- You don't get those for nothing.
- £1.20 including the coat.
What?
(Mouths) Nothing.
It's men like him
that's made this country what it is.
Dad, why don't you come inside
and take the weight off your war wounds?
Why don't you clear off, eh?
Look at 'em.
The party's over! The fun's finished!
Ain't you never heard
of political discussion before?
Pathetic. Look at 'em. (Bleats)
Blooming marvellous, eh?
And they're gonna be allowed to vote.
It's like letting the inmates of a loony bin
decide who's gonna be allowed in
and who's gonna be let out.
No wonder you all have to put a cross
on your ballot paper, innit?
A cross. A mark of ignorance!
The more ignorant your voter is,
the better the government likes it.
Blimey! That's why they won't spend no money
on schools, innit?
Eh? They might go on about Russia
but I'll tell you something, mate,
it's a political system that all
the governments of this country envy.
One party, one vote.
It takes all the uncertainty
out of elections, don't it?
And them who don't like it, Siberia!
Excuse me, Mr Garnett.
I am the Conservative candidate.
Can I count on your vote?
Just a minute. Just a minute!
You used to be with the Labour Party.
Oh, yes. When I first come here,
I was with Labour.
But now I have corner shop,
I am Conservative with Mrs Thatcher.
That's amazing! It's typical, isn't it?
We build you a community centre...
Oh, so very good of you!
Cos your brother-in-law, Jerry,
he built the community centre.
Jerry? My brother-in-law's not Jerry.
You've got the wrong chap, old chap!
I have not got
the wrong chap, old chap.
They say community centre is Jerry-built
by councillor's brother-in-law.
That's why it fall down
and no questions asked.
And who is it gets my black balls at golf club?
I had nothing to do
with your black balls.
You.
- It is you gets me black balls.
- Black balls? It was your handicap!
And my black face. Oh, yes!
I am very welcome at golf club.
Using broom. Sweep, sweep.
Oh, very good fellow.
But not use golf stick, old chap!
That's it innit? That's the last straw.
Blimey! I've heard it all now.
From now on, it's number one.
That'll make a change!
Margaret Thatcher
says do your own thing,
feather your own nest,
stand on your own two feet.
It's the age of the spear, innit?
So sod you, Jack! I'm all right!
Thank you very much. God bless. Ta.
Silver collection, sir.
Don't forget those who serve.
Thank you very much.
Very kind of you, ma'am,
God bless you.
Don't forget those who serve.
Thank you very much, dear. God bless.
He did his part for the country.
He made it a free world
that it is today.
- Old soldier..
- Did his part.
Two for you...
two for me.
Two for you, two for me.
Two.
Why are you getting more than me?
I'm your entrepreneur, ain't I?
Taking advantage of the weak, Arthur.
Yeah.
Speaking like the rest of 'em.
No, the gold ones, they're for me.
I mean, you talk about bloody Band Aid,
I reckon
I've just invented Chair Aid.
Any luck I might get an OBE out of this.
# Now my old darling,
they've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all my heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# Cos I'll probably starve to death,
that's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact
# That's cos in sickness and in health
I said I do
# In sickness and in health I said I do #