In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 2, Episode 2 - Episode #2.2 - full transcript

# Now my old darling,
they've laid her down to rest

# And now I'm missing her with all me heart

# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS

# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start

# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side

# Cos I'll probably starve to death,
that's what I'll do

- # For richer or poorer...
- Bloody poorer, that's a fact!

# That's cos in sickness and in health
I said I do

# In sickness and in health I said I do #

- (Glass smashing)
- (Drunkenly) Bloody hell!

Bloody milk bottles!



Who put the milk bottles there?
Bloody Mrs Hollingbery, I suppose.

Mrs Poison Ivy upstairs.

Mrs Pudding or...
Marigold, they put them there.

Bloody daft place, innit, to put milk bottles!
Under your feet right where you're walking.

Where...? Come on.

Where... Where's the keyhole? Hm?

Come on, key.

Find the... Find the hole. Come on.

I can't find the hole.

As the bishop said to the actress.

Now, ooh.

Cor, I'm busting too. Come on.

Come on, key, get in!

I should've gone before I left.



You should go before you leave! Ooh!

Come on, key, get in, in, in!

And come on, key, turn. And turn!

Oh!

Mrs Hollingbery! (Blows raspberry)

Ooh! God!

Oh! Ooh!

Ooh!

(Continues groaning)

Who put the seat down? God.

Come on. Where is it?

(Belches) Where is it?

Hm...

Where's it gone? Where's it gone?

Come on!

There it is. There it is.

Oh, God.

Come on.

Come on!

Pss, pss, pss, pss.

- (Splashing)
- Ah! That's it. And again.

And again.

That's it. Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle.

- (Steady flow)
- (Sighs) Oh. Ohh.

Ohh!

That's it.

Rita?

It's only me. Daddy.

I... I went back to Arthur's.

I had to cos he insisted.
Well, I didn't want to upset him.

Just... Just a bit of company, that's all.

Just a bit of company.

It's rotten on your own, you know? Lonely.

Just... Night-night, darling.

Night-night. (Humming)

# She wore a little jacket of blue

# Na-na... Ooh! Ooh! Oh!

# She wore a little jacket of blue

# And all the sailors knew

# Just why she wore her jacket of blue

# She wore a little...

Night...

Good night, old girl.

Eh?

I... I miss you.

I do. I do, I do!

She... She don't believe me.

How I always loved you.

I did! I did!

Don't look, I'll take my trousers off.

I did. I just...

I'm just going to have a little nightcap.

# If you were

# The only girl...

Help me to sleep. Eh?

Just the one. Just the one.

# ..in the world

# And I was the only

# And I was the only...

Aha!

Aha. And what has Father Christmas
got in the chimney?

Ah.

Where bloody Marigold can't find it.
Bloody Marigold.

Bloody... Oh, yeah.
A little bit of the alternative medicine.

Bloody Marigold,
bloody home-help social worker.

You want to save a child, kill a social worker.

Ohh!

Oh, that first gulp. Ooh!

It hurts.

Have to persevere.

Bloody Marigold, little... Little spy.

Little black coon poofter spy.

"Where'd you get the money to buy that
if you're so hard up?”

That's my... That's between me, the...

my conscience and the ballot box.

I'd better go and bolt the door,
otherwise we'll have Mrs Hollingbery's racket.

Mrs Bloody Hollingbery.

Mrs...

Pudding-Face.

"Well, why didn't you...

"Why didn't you lock the door?

"Why didn't you bolt the door last night?

"You've got to bolt..."

Get out the bloody...
"You've got to bolt the door.”

(Blows raspberry) Shut up!

Got to bolt the door.

There we go. Hear?

Mrs Hollingbery! I bolted the door.
I bolted the door.

(Blows raspberry)

Bloody little pickle-face. Don't know who she
thinks are gonna come after her. Blimey.

(Sighs) She'd...

Get out.

She'd bring a sex maniac
to his senses, she would.

Oh, God. (Sighs)

(Knocking)

- (Faint snoring)
- (Knocking continues)

(Snoring)

(Knocking continues)

It's him. It's that pig.
He's locked himself out.

Forgot his key.

Oh! Oh.

Ooh, the door's bolted.

- (Knocking)
- Ooh! He's in!

- (Man) Come on, open the door!
- Oh, my God! Oh!

Mr Garnett! Mr Garnett?

Mr Garnett?

Mr Garnett, wake up.

Mr Garnett, wake up, it's someone at the door!
Mr Gar...

- (Continues snoring)
- Ooh.

Oh! Disgusting pig.

Pooh, stinks like a polecat.

Disgusting swine.

Here, come on, now! Wake up!

Wake up! Wake... Oh! (Screams)

(AF muttering)

- Get off! Get off!
- Huh?

Oh. Wake up, wake up,
there's someone at the door.

- Well, who is it?
- I don't know.

Oh, God. Well, open the door.

I'm not going to open it.
I don't know who it is.

You open it.

Oh, Gordon Bennett!

- What time is it?
- It's gone 2:00.

(Groans) Ohh...

- You don't think it's burglars?
- What, knocking for us to let 'em in?

- Old war wound.
- Oh, yeah?

Oh, God. Bloody time of night, this.

(Knocking)

Here.

- It could be muggers.
- Muggers?

Could be muggers. Hooligans.
Phone the police!

(Rattling at door)

We haven't got a phone.

What are we going to do?

- Open it.
- Sh! Shut up. What?

- It might not be anybody.
- Of course it's someone.

No, no, it might not be.
No, it might be all right.

- What?
- Yes. I mean, something might have happened.

Perhaps the house is on fire
and they're knocking to let us know.

Did you smell anything?

Only you.

Don't start pushing me!

Hello?

(Mrs Hollingbery screams)

Who is it? Who are you?

(Rita) It's me, Dad! It's me!

I told you it wasn't anyone.

Oh, blimey.

Dear Lord.

- Here.
- Oh, God.

Oh. Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry!

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know.

Well...

(Rita) We... We didn't realise.

I don't mind.

You might have let us know.

Well, I hope you don't think...

- (Laughter continues)
- Well!

With him? Ooh!

How long's it been going on?

- What?
- (Door slams)

And all the pantomime
making out you didn't like her!

- Well, he had me fooled. You old stag.
- Shut up!

Where have you been till now? Eh?

- Would it be too much to...?
- Will you sod off?

(Laughter continues)

- Where have you been till now?
- Out.

- Out? With him?
- Oh, you can talk! With her.

There's nothing going on with me and her.

I hope it wasn't going on
while Mum was alive.

There's nothing going on, I tell you!

I don't believe it! The passion-killers.

Do you know the time? Coming here with him,
in front of the neighbours.

You wouldn't be doing this
if your mother was alive.

- Doing what?
- You know bloody well what!

Well, what?

You don't want me to say it, do you?

And with him. With the blackie!

- You make me sick, you do.
- I make you sick? Well, you make me sick!

- Oh, I'm going to bed.
- Just a minute. What about him?

- What about him?
- What's he doing?

Well, ask him. He's sitting there.

He's not sleeping here.

Stupid!

- Get off of him!
- (Laughing)

Are you going to speak to me
before I go back to Liverpool?

Sulking.

He's like a child, he is.

I'll be going in a minute.

Oh, look. Do you want me
to come down next week if I can?

Well?

Do you or don't you?

Hm. Not going to bother then.

Like a big baby, you are.

Sod off.

Oh, look, do you want me to come down week,
yes or no? Speak now.

- Yes.
- What was that?

Yes.

- I can't hear you.
- Yes, yes. Yes!

YES, YES, YES, YES!

- (Pounding)
- Oh, bloody woman.

Does that mean you're wanted?

I have told you,
there's nothing going on with me and her!

I don't mind. It's your affair.

Oop! Life.

But if there is anything going on,
would you tell me,

cos I don't want to read about it in the Sun.

No.

I was faithful to your mother
while she was alive,

and I'm faithful to her memory now she's gone.

I have never succumbed to other women.

- Or men.
- Get off of me!

- Shut up!
- (Music plays)

And turn that bloody row off!

(# The Housemartins: Happy Hour)

(Music stops)

Huh!

Bloody jungle music.
Bloody rotten coon music.

I can recall when it used to be
a bit decent on the wireless.

A bit of culture, with your
Henry Hall and your Ambrose.

With your Geraldo and Billy Cotton.

How far are you going back?

To when there was only English living here!
And when men was men.

Get off.

- Here, I can hear your wireless upstairs.
- Good, it'll save you buying one, won't it?

Oh!

What's he doing here?

He slept on the sofa.

- Why?
- Cos it's softer than sleeping on the floor!

Ha ha! Anyway...
Go and put something on!

What's it got to do with you?
It's his day for cleaning up.

I like to keep the place a bit neat and tidy,
if you don't mind.

Well, you're not entitled to him now.
Not free help.

Not now Mrs Garnett has passed over
to the other side.

- Did they tell you about my door?
- Who?

- Well, you work for the council, don't you?
- I'm just a home help.

Well, help, then! Help with my door.

Tell them I want my own front door put on there
with my own bolts and a chain.

Ooh. I'm not going through last night again.

- Have you been in touch with the council?
- Well, I tried to phone them.

I tried to phone them from
that call box round the corner.

- Oh, there's a message writ for you in there.
- I know. When I find out who wrote it...

No, not that one.

This one is pinned on the wall.
"Tell Mr Garnett Rita phoned.”

- Why didn't you tell me?
- I just have.

- Before! You're supposed to tell me before!
- Well, I'm not a messenger boy.

= I'm here now.
- Well...

(Slowly) Listen, when you see your council,

tell them...

it's me.

Yes? And I'm the one that wants the door.

See?

And tell them where I live.

- Savvy?
- Yes'm, missy!

You expect me to pay your milk bill
but you can't take a telephone message for me!

Dad! Shush.

- Who did you speak to when you phoned?
- 100, the operator.

No, when you got through to the council,
who did you speak to then?

- Twice last week I had to let your cat in.
- Shush.

She wouldn't put me through to the council.
She said I had to put money in the box first.

(Laughs) I'm an old age pensioner, you know.

Well, I mean, I've got no money to waste
putting it in phone boxes.

I told her it's private, I said
it's council business. It's their house.

The police is free, the fire brigade is free,
the ambulance is free,

why can't the council be free?

We pay them enough. It wouldn't do them
any harm. They charge enough rent.

Anyway, you tell them what I said.
You pass on the message.

Tell them I want a door, put it on my stairs.
Tell them it's Mrs Hollingbery.

They know where I live. They know
where to come when they want the rent.

I won't vote for them again, tell them.

If I don't get my door,
that's the last vote from me, tell them.

And I wouldn't have voted for them last time
if it hadn't been for him.

Persuading me.

I've never voted Labour before.

Oh! If my poor husband was alive,
he'd turn in his grave.

Listen, I didn't know how to tell the priest,
because they burn down churches, the Reds.

Worse than your blacks, your Reds.

- You voted for Labour, Dad?
- Look...

- And you got Mrs Hollingbery as well?
- Look, I...

They won't put a door out there for you.

- Well, well, well, the worm has turned.
- Look, I only done it for your mother, didn't I?

Labour's better for your handicapped, that's all.
I wouldn't vote for them again.

- Unless they put your pension up.
- Are they?

Oh, I don't care. I don't vote for self-interest,
I vote for the good of the country.

- Listen, we've got a front door out there.
- Yes, but I have to share it with you.

And while that might be all right for you,
it is not all right for me.

I mean, I don't want people talking about me.
I don't want my good name blackened.

(Sniggers)

I don't want people pointing me out in the
street saying, "There she is, that's the one.

"Living in the same house,
sharing the same front door, with a man.”

An unattached male.

(Whispers) God.

I'm not silly, you know.
I know 'em and their slanderous tongues.

Well, you should do, you're one of 'em.

Anyway, you don't have to
worry about me, missus.

I wouldn't touch you with a bargepole!

Anyway, it was you who was
in my bedroom last night.

Get out! Get out!

- Lovers" tiff.
- Mm-hm.

You're mad! You're potty!

Get out of here.

She's mad.

- Not for you.
- Oh yeah?

- She's as fond of you as I am of Enoch Powell
- Oh yeah?

That's what she'd like to make out.
They're all the same, women. I know 'em!

Ooh, hark, bus-pass Casanova.

Oh yeah...

Yeah, I know 'em. Listen,

you give her half a chance, she'd have me
walking down the aisle, don't you worry.

What are you talking about?
She can't stand you.

If you had anything inside
that curly nut of yours, Marigold,

you'd realise that women always make out
they don't want what they can't have.

- And you reckon she wants you?
- Wouldn't surprise me.

- And she's just making out she don't.
- Mm. You're getting near it, Sambo.

Oh! That's why she wants the stairs boarded up,

and her own front door with bolts and chains
in case you feel like nipping up the stairs.

- And giving her one.
- Shut up.

And you reckon that's just the come-on?

She goes to all that trouble
making out she doesn't want you

because she knows she can't have you.

- Fantasy, innit?
- No.

Women are all the same,
you build fantasies. You love 'em.

It's all them romantic trashy novels you read.
All that Barbara Castle.

Cartland!

They're dreaming about some Arab prince

who's gonna carry them off
on the back of his horse.

Seems to me you're the one who's fantasising.

Like you fantasise that England's
going to beat the West Indians at cricket.

- Not this century, bwana.
- Shut up.

See, what she wants, see,

is build that door,
with all them bolts and chains,

and have me come up the stairs
and break it down,

and carry her off, screaming and protesting,
and submit her to my will!

That's what she wants.

That's what they all want!
That's what women have always wanted!

Bloody women.

You going out?

Why do you think I've got me hat and coat on?

Just see that you're in by half past ten.

- What?
- I'm bolting that door at half past ten.

And if you're not in, you can stay out.

I please myself about what time I come in.

Well, please yourself.
I'm still bolting that door at half past ten.

I'm not going through last night again. I never
got a wink of sleep with all that commotion.

I'm taking a sleeping tablet at half past ten,
after I've bolted that door.

And if you're not in, it'll do you no good
knocking, because I won't hear you.

Look, I am master in my own house!

Yes.

And you'll be master outside it
if you're not back in it by half past ten.

Eleven.

- I'm not a child!
- You behave like one.

All right. Eleven.

Not a minute later.

(Softly) Bloody cow.

- Ah, it's nice here, Arthur.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, makes a change from sitting in the pub.
- Yeah.

- Bit different, I'll grant you.
- Mm.

Like I was saying, Alf,
have you given it any thought?

- What?
- What I said about getting together with her,

tying the knot with her.

- What, marrying her, you mean?
- Well, I wouldn't put it out of your mind.

- With Mrs Hollingbery?
- Well, a woman can be very handy.

I mean about the house.
She can still get about the house, can't she?

- She still gets around the house, yeah.
- Cooking and cleaning and that.

And what I've seen of her,
there's a few years left in her yet.

And you've got the roast beef
and Yorkshire pudding on Sundays,

and the odd meat pudding, and pies, and other
creature comforts - it's not to be sneezed at.

Yeah, well, I don't think we're exactly suited,
Arthur, to tell you the truth.

Well, you don't have to
love a woman to marry her.

I mean, you take your upper classes, your
aristocracy. Those people don't marry for love.

Position is all they're interested in.

Joining the dynasties,
putting two big fortunes together.

You marry Mrs Hollingbery
and you'll do the same thing.

Use your loaf. Putting two pensions together.

- You'll have to give her the old joogles, but...
- What?

Give her the joogles -
you know, the old... (Grunts) Ah!

But you could manage that.
You'll only be called on, what, once a week.

And Marigold said
you're getting on all right there.

- Has he been talking about me?
- No, no, no.

All he said was that, you know,
you're hitting it off.

- Hitting it off? Blimey.
- Yeah.

Hitting it off.

- Here.
- What?

- You got the time? I think I've stopped.
- Quarter to 1.

Quar...? Oh, God.

- I've got to go!
- What's the hurry?

What's the hurry, Alf?
They don't shut for half an hour.

Alf! Hey, hang on! What's the...?

Oh.

(Bell chiming)

Oh, God.

She wouldn't...

She wouldn't dare.

Hey!

- Hold on!
- (Bell rings)

Oi, you bloody...!

You stupid bloody coon, you!

Stupid black ba...

Are you all right, sir?

(Breathing heavily)

(Rattling door)

Bloody hell. She's bolted it!

Bloody bitch.

-Oi!
- (Rattles letterbox)

Open up!

- (Rattles letterbox)
- Mrs Ho...

Hey! Hey!

Open up! Mrs Hollingbery!

You...

(Thunder)

God's truth!

Ooh.

(Grunts)

Oh.

Ooh.

Ooh.

(Sighs) Oh.

Come on.

- (Man) Who is it?
- It's me! Mr Garnett.

Come on, open up.
Something awful's happened.

- What is it?
- Oh, am I glad you're up.

- I was in bed!
- Oh, God.

What's wrong?

It's Mrs Hollingbery.
She's took sleeping tablets.

Good God. I'll phone the ambulance.

- (Woman) Who is it?
- No...

It's Mr Garnett.

- Well, what's he want at this time of night?
- Mrs Hollingbery's swallowed sleeping tablets.

- Oh dear! Phone the ambulance.
- Yeah, I'm phoning the ambulance.

- Phone the ambulance.
- I'm phoning the ambulance!

I'll go over and see what I can do.
I used to be a nurse.

- Where's she going?
- She's gone over to help. Hello?

See what she can do. She's studied first aid.

- Look...
- Shut up, shut up! Hello, ambulance?

Yes, ambulance.

Of course it's serious!
Bloody idiot on the line here.

Yes, it's very urgent.

Attempted suicide.

Sleeping tablets.

I don't know. How many did she take?

- One.
- One.

- Did you say one?
- Yeah.

Er...

Yeah, I'm afraid there's been some mistake.

Yeah, I-I'm sorry.

Yeah, well, I told you I was sorry!

Listen, why didn't you say she only took one?
One isn't dangerous!

- I know that.
- You told me something awful had happened!

It has.

- What?
- She had a sleeping tablet and locked me out.

And I can't get in cos I can't wake her up,
and it's pouring down with rain.

And then you woke me up to tell me this?

I knew you wouldn't mind.
You're a good neighbour, you are.

- And besides that, we're friends.
- No, we're not.

- Course we are. Course we're friends.
- No.

Cor blimey, there's not many would do for me
what you're doing tonight.

- What am I doing for you?
- Letting me sleep here.

- No, no.
- I can sleep anywhere.

- You're not sleeping here.
- The sofa's all right.

- Oh, no...
- I'm not fussy. You go off to bed.

- (Knocking)
- What's that, the ambulance?

It's me wife!

- Oh, quick. Hurry up. I can't get inside.
- Listen, it's all right.

It's not all right. That poor woman!

- Mr Garnett!
- (Knocking)

Mr Garnett!

1Ll kill him, I'LL kill him!

Ohh!

# Now my old darling,
they've laid her down to rest

# And now I'm missing her with all me heart

# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS

# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start

# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side

# Cos I'll probably starve to death,
that's what I'll do

# For richer or poorer,
I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact

# That's cos in sickness and in health
I said I do

# In sickness and in health I said I do #