In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 2, Episode 1 - In Sickness and in Health - full transcript
Else has died and Alf and Rita with friends and neighbours including landlady Mrs Hollingbury return from the funeral for the wake. With Else gone his pension will be halved yet the bills remain the same and Mrs Hollingbury surprises everybody by revealing that Alf has finally lost faith in the Conservatives and persuaded her to vote Labour with him at the last election. She also shows her racist side,provoking Rita's displeasure but being calmed down with an ironic kiss from Winston. Once he is left alone Alf finally breaks down in tears,bemoaning the loss of the 'silly old moo',whom he nonetheless loved.
# Now, my old darling,
they've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# They've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# Cos I'll probably starve to death,
that's what I'll do
- # For richer or poorer...
- Bloody poorer, that's a fact
# That's cos in sickness and in health
I said I do
# In sickness and in health I said I do #
Anyone like a cup of tea?
Perhaps later.
You all right, Dad?
Come on, Alf, here, sit him down here.
Sit him down here, that's it.
I know what he needs.
Oh!
Why...
Why did he take her, eh?
There's all the villains in the world,
murderers, rapists, soccer hooligans -
why'd he have to take her, eh?
What's she done he had to take her?
Never mind, Mr Garnet, try to bear up.
Here y'are, AW, get this down you.
He's upset.
Bound to be.
We all are.
That foreman of the undertakers was hanging
about out here. I think he expected a tip.
A tip? I'll give him a tip.
The tip of my boot.
Six lace holes up his jacksey.
Wants to reduce his prices,
that's what he wants to do.
Bloody crook he is.
Take advantage of bereaved,
fleecing poor people. £300 for the coffin!
£300 for carrying it, £40 for a car.
Shush.
Cemetery's only round the corner,
we could've walked it.
Could've carried her out ourselves.
I'll never use that firm again,
not as long as I live, I won't!
Talk about the cost of living,
what about the cost of dying?
Yes, makes you think.
Still, if it's any consolation,
it could've been a lot dearer next year.
You had a bit of insurance though,
didn't you, Alf?
It's not the money, Arthur. Cor, dear.
I don't begrudge her the money.
It was a nice funeral, though.
I think she'd have been pleased.
She wouldn't have been unhappy.
He charged enough though.
A sad loss.
But it went smooth.
Went smooth enough.
She'll be missed.
Hm. I think she'd have been pleased.
I think she'd have been pleased
if she could've seen the way she went.
I done my best.
He could've done more, though -
bloody undertaker!
The money I paid him - pooh!
Don't you worry, Mr Garnet,
she wouldn't have minded.
She'd have been very happy.
- God rest her soul.
- (Speaks Yiddish)
Wasn't many turned up.
No, it wasn't the best of turn-outs.
They ain't got many relations.
Not got many friends.
There'd have been more turned up
if it had been him we was burying.
Oh, I hope he don't get drunk.
You can't blame him I suppose, if he does.
Day like this.
Oh, well, hope he don't, that's all.
Don't worry,
I'll look after him.
I know.
Must be rotten for him, though.
I mean,
they've been together now, how long?
Must be about 45 years.
Must've thought a lot of her.
Must've loved her.
I mean, in his own way.
Mm, suppose so.
But you notice he's bought more booze
than flowers.
Mm-hm.
- Mm-hm.
- (Both laugh)
I don't know how I'm gonna manage.
They took her half of the pension straight off,
and the thirty quid she got
for sitting in that chair.
I mean...
I'm more than £50 worse off, aren't |7
Oh, you'll manage, Alf.
There's only one of you now, isn't there?
That's it, Mr Garnet, look on the bright side.
You're on your own now. Despite what they say,
two can't live as cheaply as one.
I know that.
I don't know where she puts it all.
Never mind there's only one of me, I'm 50 quid
down the drain with her gone, ain't I?
Eh? There might only be the one of me
but it's no saving, I can tell you, Arthur.
Might be only one of me, it's still gonna
cost the same for my electric, innit, eh?
There might only be one of me sitting here,
but I still gotta burn the same light
as when there was two of us sitting here.
Don't matter if there's ten of us sitting here,
50 even,
still gotta burn the same electric
to light the room, the same heat to warm it.
And if half of them leave,
it don't get no cheaper, does it, eh?
If all of them leave, there's only me,
it's still gonna cost me the same, innit?
Look, Arthur, I'm sitting here watching the telly,
I'm on my own watching the telly -
it still costs the same as when
she was sitting here watching it with me.
It don't get no cheaper now she's gone,
does it?
It's still gonna cost me the same licence fee.
Don't get no cheaper now cos there's only
one of me watching it instead of two, do I?
Oh, dear me, no.
Look, down the road there's ten of 'em,
the bloody Pakis,
ten of 'em watching the same film on there
as I'm watching,
but it don't cost them no more than it costs me
cos there's ten of 'em, does it?
No! There's only one of me sitting here
watching it. I don't get no cheaper, do I?
It's still gonna cost me the same licence fee
for one of me watching it,
when there's ten of them watching it
and they talk about bloody economics!
- Who do?
- Your government, the parliament.
Fat lot they know about economics.
I wouldn't trust 'em with a jam jar
full of threepenny bits.
They know as much about economics
as bloody Marigold does there.
- Bwana?
- Shut up you.
You wanna know about economics, Arthur,
I'll tell you about economics.
See, listen, when a rich man dies, see,
the ones who's left behind
is invariably better off, right?
I mean, you know,
they try to look unhappy, yeah, you know.
Try not to look too pleased
about all the money they've been left,
but... I mean, perhaps they are unhappy,
because it's on the cards
the one they lost was close, you know,
maybe they liked them even,
but the point is,
they're not out of pocket on the deal,
they're better off financially,
because they inherit what is left.
You inherit what Else has left.
No, she never had nothing.
All she had...
You've had already.
All she had what she could leave me
was her pension,
and what she got
for sitting in that wheelchair.
Well, she would've left me,
I know she would've done willingly,
but she couldn't, could she, cos the bloody
government grabbed it back off her!
Ain't fair!
It's not supposed to be fair, Alf.
- Look, when the Queen dies, God forbid...
- (Speaks Yiddish)
When the queen dies, see,
Charlie becomes king, right?
Because he inherits.
And Di, your queen.
Shut up. Because he inherits, right?
But, I mean, Phillip, he's not worse off, is he?
He don't have to draw his horns in.
He still sits down to his same breakfast,
his pipe's full,
he don't have to worry
where his next pint's coming from, do he?
Look, a better similar.
The Queen Mum, right?
She lost her husband, didn't she,
but she didn't lose half the money to go with it,
did she?
All right,
she had to move out of Buck House,
but they found her a house just as good,
didn't they?
- Clarence House.
- Clarence House,
but she's still got her box at Royal Ascot
and she's till got a cabin in the royal yacht
and she don't have to live in Clarence House
on supplementary benefit
with the DHSS telling her how many bars
of electric she can burn during the winter.
Shouldn't have to...neither cos
she's a wonderful...wonderful woman,
and neither should I have to.
I could live cheaper on my own.
It's not all that fun being rich, Alf.
I mean, in a way we're lucky we got no money.
I've heard that one before. That's what people
who have money tell people who ain't got it.
No, I mean if you're a rich man,
and a man your age, who ain't got long...
...a man near the end,
then you'll see the vultures gathering.
You know how greedy people can be,
especially relatives,
when they know you're more worth to them
dead than you are alive.
I mean, all your wealth does then is give them
a better interest in your death, don't it?
But you get ill, you take to your bed,
you're at their mercy.
You're gonna be scared,
you're gonna be terrified to eat or drink
anything they prepared for you.
You'll starve
for the fear of being poisoned by them.
Nah, it ain't all that fun being rich, Alf.
You don't have to be rich,
you can be a poor person
with relatives you have to support
eating you out of house and home,
who could also give you
a strong interest in their death.
Ah, eating, eating. It's good to eat,
but I shouldn't have to eat ham.
The food is good, Mr Garnet,
but ham, I shouldn't have to eat.
Chicken is better, beef, salt beef on rye.
I should eat ham, it's a terrible thing.
I eat to mourn your wife
but I shouldn't have to.
A dietary law, so, I'm a criminal.
70 years old, I'm a criminal because
I shouldn't be able to transgress.
Who can see me?
Who can tell I'm eating ham, huh?
For 70 years I've been strict,
now I'm more liberal, so, it's a terrible thing.
Why should ham be such a crime -
why not pilchards?
Bacon and eggs, listen, if you can't have
the bacon, who needs the eggs?
It was the government killed her off,
wasn't it, eh?
We all know that.
We all know who done it.
They froze her out, didn't they?
Hypothermia - she froze to death.
Use the telephone they said,
ring the DHSS.
A bloody laugh, the phone was vandalised,
couldn't even phone my Rita, could I?
You gotta be Scott of the Antarctic
to find the bleedin' phone,
there's four foot of snow out there.
- Four foot?
- You wasn't here, you don't know.
- That was in February.
- Too much for me, I couldn't manage it.
- I ain't got no bloody snow shoes.
- Dad, that was in February.
Mum only died last week.
She never thawed out.
Takes well into the summer
to get over an English winter.
That's true, Alf. I'm sure there's parts of me
still numb from last winter.
Coldest winter for 100 years they said.
And your army and your navy, they would've
been issued with special warm clothing,
and rum rations, see?
But us, your civilian population,
we're expected to sail in unprotected.
We should be given special winter money
living in this country.
Special winter money?!
Why not? For staying in residence,
occupying and operating the country
during the worst of the winter months.
Blimey, most of your well-to-do are off
into the sun before Christmas, they are.
Gone with the swallows, they are.
Leader-less this country is during the winter.
It's why you never get a war in the winter
in this country.
What?
What you bloody laughing at?
It's facts, isn't it, facts.
It's stupid.
All of our wars have all been summer wars,
ain't they?
What?
Just stop bloody giggling
and you might learn something.
You look in your history books,
all our wars - last war, first world war,
your Falklands war, all them wars
were started in the summer and why?
I'll tell you for why, Miss Giggleguts -
I'll tell you for why,
because there's no one bloody well here
in the winter.
No one in authority, that is. No one that can
arrange to start a bloody war, is there?
No, they're all off into the sun,
off with the swallows like he said.
Get out of my bloody seat, come on.
Here, I could do with a swallow, Alf.
Give us that bottle, will you?
That's a bit of a handicap, innit, Arthur -
that's your drinking hand, innit?
No, that's all right, I'm amphi.
- Amphi?
- Amphi, you know, use the other hand.
That's why they got Marigold
and his mob over here, innit?
- Oh, no!
- Yeah.
Pack 'em all off to England,
the politicians said,
we'll have this tropical paradise to ourselves.
Too good for your coons, this is,
too good for Marigold and his mob.
Well, we have to keep a few of 'em here,
servants, you know,
put white coats on 'em.
Get rid of the rest of them,
demolish all the shanty towns,
and put up a few five-star hotels
and we'll spend the winter recess here.
- Yeah, for the winter junkets.
- That's it.
I can hear them now.
"I say, what a good idea.”
Sitting in the sun, sitting in the sun
discussing the third world.
"I say, fellas, let's loosen our belts
and make room for another blow-out
"and see if we can sort out
this Ethiopian famine.
"Send this back, send that back,
not enough meat on the lobster.
"The steak's too rare,
the champagne's too warm.”
You won't get none of them back here
till the weather warms up.
Yeah, and we can sit here shivering
and dying in the cold,
like my poor Else done.
A good woman she was.
Good wife and mother.
She was!
In your famous new technocological age
what they're all talking about,
she was left to sit here
and bloody freeze to death.
We might as well still be living in caves,
for all the good the new technocological age
done for her.
Dad!
Nah, it's all rubbish anyway.
Bloody rubbish.
(Sobs)
It was them killed my mother,
the government.
They killed her off.
That was hypothermia.
They froze her to death.
She was a good woman.
A saint she was, God rest her soul.
(Speaks Yiddish)
A kinder woman never lived.
We had a plot for her, for my mother,
reserved special for her.
It was smart, clean and decent
when we first had it,
when we buried my father in it.
You should see it now.
We had to bury my mother in it
a few months ago - you should see it now.
You'd think it was pigs buried there.
It's blackies now, my sister said.
It's them blackies,
they're burying them here now.
It's them what's made the mess.
Well, if it is, I said,
if it is them they're burying here,
if it is blackies...
she's coming up.
Mum's not being left to lie here
among blackies, I said.
No, she couldn't bear 'em when she was alive,
she's not gonna lay among 'em dead.
They've ruined our street.
Well, they ain't gonna ruin her grave,
they ain't gonna ruin her eternal rest,
and they ain't laying alongside her.
So, I'll have her up, we'll have her up
and lay her to rest somewhere else.
They shouldn't let "em over 'ere.
It's not their country.
Not their cemetery.
If they must let 'em over here,
at least send 'em back when they're dead.
We shouldn't be made to have 'em here
for all eternity.
God! Apartheid for the dead!
How ignorant can you get?
Look at it, white supremacy.
Look at it, the master race,
as thick as pig shit!
Oh!
When they were fighting the Nazis, they
didn't realise they were on the wrong side.
Mrs Hollingbery.
Oh! Oh, I didn't know you were 'ere.
When you play God Save The Queen
or Land Of Hope And Glory on the piano,
you have to use the white keys
and the darkies!
Oh!
Look, I was born in this country, my mother
and father was born in this country.
For Christ's sakes, what do I have to do
to become an Englishman?
You gotta be a man for a start off,
you bloody great poofter!
You can't be English, can you?
I am English. How can I not be English
with a name like mine -
Winston Spencer Churchill?
That is disgusting.
I'm black English and you're white English -
well, whitish with black spots.
- Hot towels will get rid of your blackheads.
- Get off!
Tell me, sonny, when did you find out
you was a schwarzer?
(Laughs)
Well, it was when I was a small boy,
about the same time you found out
you was a Jew boy -
you know, when they tell you
to get to the back of the bus.
You know, it was a Jew who freed all the
slaves. Abraham Lincoln, a wonderful man.
Abraham Lincoln, a Jew?!
Well, he wasn't bloody Irish, was he?
Anyway, they wasn't his slaves to free,
they was our coons, weren't they?
Of course they was. We had like a surplus
of coons, all lolling about in our Africa,
all swinging in the bleed in" trees.
So you put them in chains
and sold them to America.
They only chained them up
cos they kept running away.
If they didn't, they was treated very well,
our English slaves was.
You don't wanna believe
all them tales you hear.
Oh, yeah, it was stamped on
the export licence, wasn't it?
"These are English slaves,
so they must be treated decently.”
Well, they was, they was!
They was only sent to nice people,
big houses and gentlefolk.
They didn't send any of them to the slums.
We never had none round here, did we?
They was allowed to live in sheds
at the bottom of the white master's garden,
- the way they do in South Africa now.
- You don't live in a bleedin' shed!
You'd like that, wouldn't you -
having slaves to fetch and carry for you,
and nice boys like Winston
running around after you?
They'd have to run faster than he does.
Saying sir and madam. Jawohl!
I tell you, boss, I bet you if I put on a white
coat and carried a tray, I'd be real hot.
Wouldn't I, boss? Wouldn't I, boss?
I don't wanna discuss it.
- Mr Garnet?
- What?
Mr Garnet, I've got nothing against
black people myself, per se, personally.
I only hope you never have to have
a transplant, Mrs Hollingbery.
We got a black dustman.
As you know, we don't complain.
We got a black postman, he's all right.
Cos if all your organs
are as bigoted as you are,
you won't stand a chance,
they'd reject it.
But black neighbours, see,
I don't mind, but if I wanna sell my house...
It's a funny thing, bigotry,
Mrs Hollingbery.
If you had a new heart, say,
then all your other organs might reject it,
and have nothing to do with it,
if they're as prejudiced as you are.
See, my house is worth £36,000
in a white neighbourhood.
They might say "Here, that's a new heart
they've put in, it's not one of us, it's foreign”
and then where would you be,
Mrs Hollingbery?
Dead -
another victim of prejudice and bigotry.
But ghetto prices, they tend to be lower.
You see, I'm not a racist...
I wouldn't want anybody else's bits and pieces
sewn into me, thank you.
...but I could find myself out of pocket.
People come to see the house,
look it over and they see blackies.
You see - it's not me, it's them.
I mean, a man's gonna pay £40,000
for a new house,
he's gonna be a bit fussy
about his new neighbours.
I mean, it's worse than woodworm or dry rot
when you come to sell the house.
A bit of rising damp you can get away with,
but black neighbours -
- now, you see how I'm thinking?
- Oh, yes!
It's not me, it's the possible purchaser.
I don't mind them. I'll enjoy a curry occasionally,
won't I, dear?
Oh, if it's not too hot.
Even Chinese. We are cosmopolitan
in that sense, aren't we, dear?
Oh, I had an Asian lady
in the next bed to me in hospital.
She took it quite well.
She had a Jamaican nurse as well.
We are broadminded ourselves,
aren't we, dear -
not like Mrs Hollingbery,
your upstairs neighbour.
No, no, these are God's creatures.
We were Liberal and SDP, weren't we,
before we became Tory, dear?
No, what I'm trying to say, Mr Garnet,
if he, the blackie...
Let's call a spade a spade.
...if he's going to be living with you,
perhaps you could sort of keep him um...
- Undercover.
- ..In lower profile.
You see, as householders,
owner-buyers, so to speak,
it wouldn't do us any good if the street
became known for its high black profile.
- No of fence.
- None taken, darling.
You know,
we Jews used to lower the land values.
We lowered all the land values
in the whole of Walthamstow,
and when they were low enough,
my Uncle Melvin bought them all up
and he made a good profit.
See, this is the problem with the schwarzers -
they're not clever, you haven't got the no use.
It is good to lower the land values, sonny.
We should only be able to lower
the food prices.
# ..old mill by the stream
# Nellie Dean
# Where we used to sit and dream
# Nellie Dean #
Come on, Mr Garnet, wake up,
come on, wake up.
- Eh?
- Everybody's gone.
Rita tried to say goodbye to you
but she couldn't get any sense into you.
- Where's Rita?
- She had to get back to Liverpool.
She tried to say goodbye to you.
Why didn't she say goodbye to me?
- You wouldn't wake up.
- Was I asleep?
You was dead drunk.
- Oh, God!
- (Knock on door)
- Eh, what?
- Hmph!
Where's he going tonight -
you taking him with you?
No, he's staying here. Don't worry,
I'll make sure he's all right before I go.
He can't stay here.
- He lives here!
- I Live here!
I didn't mind him living here
when his wife was here,
but now she's gone...
We've only got the one door.
I mean, there's nothing to stop him
coming up my stairs.
I'm a woman on my own and I'm not taking
any chances, not with the likes of him.
You've got a door at the top.
It's not a strong door, it's not a street door.
I can't bolt it.
And when they've got the drink in...
...eh?
Well, that door wouldn't hold a man
turned animal with drink,
and flamed with drunken desires.
We've only got the one street door.
Now, that arrangement was all right
when Mrs Garnet was living here,
but now she's gone, poor woman,
well, it's not decent.
What're you talking about not decent,
you bloody silly old faggot?
Eh?
You can go and live up in Liverpool
with your daughter.
I don't wanna live in Liverpool!
No, no, they won't have you
and I can't say I blame them.
- Look...
- Well, I don't want you here.
I live here, missus!
I live here, you stupid old witch!
This is my house,
I've got a rent book, ain't I?
Don't shout at me.
I heard enough of you shouting
when your poor wife was alive.
- Look...
- Poor woman.
- I could write a book on you.
- Oh, yeah?
= Yeah, and I would too, for two pins.
- Yeah, and I'd write a book on you an" all.
- And that'd tell people what you are.
- Oh, yes, well, listen, I'll tell you something,
I live here, missus.
If anyone's gonna move, it's you.
- We'll see about that.
- We will see about that.
- (Both) Yes, we will
- Can't you get him into a home?
- What?
- I'll stay here tonight and I'll chaperone you.
- Two of you?
- You'll be safe.
Look, I'm a council social worker.
- You'll be all right.
- Ohh!
I better be.
Don't neither of you come up these stairs.
I bet you're bloody faffing!
Mrs Pudding!
God blimey! Ohh!
Have you been trying to have it on with her
or what?
I wouldn't touch her with a barge pole.
I'll see to your bed.
Silly old moo.
# Now my old darling,
they've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# Cos I'll probably starve to death,
that's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact
# That's cos in sickness and in health
I said I do
# In sickness and in health I said I do #
they've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# They've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# Cos I'll probably starve to death,
that's what I'll do
- # For richer or poorer...
- Bloody poorer, that's a fact
# That's cos in sickness and in health
I said I do
# In sickness and in health I said I do #
Anyone like a cup of tea?
Perhaps later.
You all right, Dad?
Come on, Alf, here, sit him down here.
Sit him down here, that's it.
I know what he needs.
Oh!
Why...
Why did he take her, eh?
There's all the villains in the world,
murderers, rapists, soccer hooligans -
why'd he have to take her, eh?
What's she done he had to take her?
Never mind, Mr Garnet, try to bear up.
Here y'are, AW, get this down you.
He's upset.
Bound to be.
We all are.
That foreman of the undertakers was hanging
about out here. I think he expected a tip.
A tip? I'll give him a tip.
The tip of my boot.
Six lace holes up his jacksey.
Wants to reduce his prices,
that's what he wants to do.
Bloody crook he is.
Take advantage of bereaved,
fleecing poor people. £300 for the coffin!
£300 for carrying it, £40 for a car.
Shush.
Cemetery's only round the corner,
we could've walked it.
Could've carried her out ourselves.
I'll never use that firm again,
not as long as I live, I won't!
Talk about the cost of living,
what about the cost of dying?
Yes, makes you think.
Still, if it's any consolation,
it could've been a lot dearer next year.
You had a bit of insurance though,
didn't you, Alf?
It's not the money, Arthur. Cor, dear.
I don't begrudge her the money.
It was a nice funeral, though.
I think she'd have been pleased.
She wouldn't have been unhappy.
He charged enough though.
A sad loss.
But it went smooth.
Went smooth enough.
She'll be missed.
Hm. I think she'd have been pleased.
I think she'd have been pleased
if she could've seen the way she went.
I done my best.
He could've done more, though -
bloody undertaker!
The money I paid him - pooh!
Don't you worry, Mr Garnet,
she wouldn't have minded.
She'd have been very happy.
- God rest her soul.
- (Speaks Yiddish)
Wasn't many turned up.
No, it wasn't the best of turn-outs.
They ain't got many relations.
Not got many friends.
There'd have been more turned up
if it had been him we was burying.
Oh, I hope he don't get drunk.
You can't blame him I suppose, if he does.
Day like this.
Oh, well, hope he don't, that's all.
Don't worry,
I'll look after him.
I know.
Must be rotten for him, though.
I mean,
they've been together now, how long?
Must be about 45 years.
Must've thought a lot of her.
Must've loved her.
I mean, in his own way.
Mm, suppose so.
But you notice he's bought more booze
than flowers.
Mm-hm.
- Mm-hm.
- (Both laugh)
I don't know how I'm gonna manage.
They took her half of the pension straight off,
and the thirty quid she got
for sitting in that chair.
I mean...
I'm more than £50 worse off, aren't |7
Oh, you'll manage, Alf.
There's only one of you now, isn't there?
That's it, Mr Garnet, look on the bright side.
You're on your own now. Despite what they say,
two can't live as cheaply as one.
I know that.
I don't know where she puts it all.
Never mind there's only one of me, I'm 50 quid
down the drain with her gone, ain't I?
Eh? There might only be the one of me
but it's no saving, I can tell you, Arthur.
Might be only one of me, it's still gonna
cost the same for my electric, innit, eh?
There might only be one of me sitting here,
but I still gotta burn the same light
as when there was two of us sitting here.
Don't matter if there's ten of us sitting here,
50 even,
still gotta burn the same electric
to light the room, the same heat to warm it.
And if half of them leave,
it don't get no cheaper, does it, eh?
If all of them leave, there's only me,
it's still gonna cost me the same, innit?
Look, Arthur, I'm sitting here watching the telly,
I'm on my own watching the telly -
it still costs the same as when
she was sitting here watching it with me.
It don't get no cheaper now she's gone,
does it?
It's still gonna cost me the same licence fee.
Don't get no cheaper now cos there's only
one of me watching it instead of two, do I?
Oh, dear me, no.
Look, down the road there's ten of 'em,
the bloody Pakis,
ten of 'em watching the same film on there
as I'm watching,
but it don't cost them no more than it costs me
cos there's ten of 'em, does it?
No! There's only one of me sitting here
watching it. I don't get no cheaper, do I?
It's still gonna cost me the same licence fee
for one of me watching it,
when there's ten of them watching it
and they talk about bloody economics!
- Who do?
- Your government, the parliament.
Fat lot they know about economics.
I wouldn't trust 'em with a jam jar
full of threepenny bits.
They know as much about economics
as bloody Marigold does there.
- Bwana?
- Shut up you.
You wanna know about economics, Arthur,
I'll tell you about economics.
See, listen, when a rich man dies, see,
the ones who's left behind
is invariably better off, right?
I mean, you know,
they try to look unhappy, yeah, you know.
Try not to look too pleased
about all the money they've been left,
but... I mean, perhaps they are unhappy,
because it's on the cards
the one they lost was close, you know,
maybe they liked them even,
but the point is,
they're not out of pocket on the deal,
they're better off financially,
because they inherit what is left.
You inherit what Else has left.
No, she never had nothing.
All she had...
You've had already.
All she had what she could leave me
was her pension,
and what she got
for sitting in that wheelchair.
Well, she would've left me,
I know she would've done willingly,
but she couldn't, could she, cos the bloody
government grabbed it back off her!
Ain't fair!
It's not supposed to be fair, Alf.
- Look, when the Queen dies, God forbid...
- (Speaks Yiddish)
When the queen dies, see,
Charlie becomes king, right?
Because he inherits.
And Di, your queen.
Shut up. Because he inherits, right?
But, I mean, Phillip, he's not worse off, is he?
He don't have to draw his horns in.
He still sits down to his same breakfast,
his pipe's full,
he don't have to worry
where his next pint's coming from, do he?
Look, a better similar.
The Queen Mum, right?
She lost her husband, didn't she,
but she didn't lose half the money to go with it,
did she?
All right,
she had to move out of Buck House,
but they found her a house just as good,
didn't they?
- Clarence House.
- Clarence House,
but she's still got her box at Royal Ascot
and she's till got a cabin in the royal yacht
and she don't have to live in Clarence House
on supplementary benefit
with the DHSS telling her how many bars
of electric she can burn during the winter.
Shouldn't have to...neither cos
she's a wonderful...wonderful woman,
and neither should I have to.
I could live cheaper on my own.
It's not all that fun being rich, Alf.
I mean, in a way we're lucky we got no money.
I've heard that one before. That's what people
who have money tell people who ain't got it.
No, I mean if you're a rich man,
and a man your age, who ain't got long...
...a man near the end,
then you'll see the vultures gathering.
You know how greedy people can be,
especially relatives,
when they know you're more worth to them
dead than you are alive.
I mean, all your wealth does then is give them
a better interest in your death, don't it?
But you get ill, you take to your bed,
you're at their mercy.
You're gonna be scared,
you're gonna be terrified to eat or drink
anything they prepared for you.
You'll starve
for the fear of being poisoned by them.
Nah, it ain't all that fun being rich, Alf.
You don't have to be rich,
you can be a poor person
with relatives you have to support
eating you out of house and home,
who could also give you
a strong interest in their death.
Ah, eating, eating. It's good to eat,
but I shouldn't have to eat ham.
The food is good, Mr Garnet,
but ham, I shouldn't have to eat.
Chicken is better, beef, salt beef on rye.
I should eat ham, it's a terrible thing.
I eat to mourn your wife
but I shouldn't have to.
A dietary law, so, I'm a criminal.
70 years old, I'm a criminal because
I shouldn't be able to transgress.
Who can see me?
Who can tell I'm eating ham, huh?
For 70 years I've been strict,
now I'm more liberal, so, it's a terrible thing.
Why should ham be such a crime -
why not pilchards?
Bacon and eggs, listen, if you can't have
the bacon, who needs the eggs?
It was the government killed her off,
wasn't it, eh?
We all know that.
We all know who done it.
They froze her out, didn't they?
Hypothermia - she froze to death.
Use the telephone they said,
ring the DHSS.
A bloody laugh, the phone was vandalised,
couldn't even phone my Rita, could I?
You gotta be Scott of the Antarctic
to find the bleedin' phone,
there's four foot of snow out there.
- Four foot?
- You wasn't here, you don't know.
- That was in February.
- Too much for me, I couldn't manage it.
- I ain't got no bloody snow shoes.
- Dad, that was in February.
Mum only died last week.
She never thawed out.
Takes well into the summer
to get over an English winter.
That's true, Alf. I'm sure there's parts of me
still numb from last winter.
Coldest winter for 100 years they said.
And your army and your navy, they would've
been issued with special warm clothing,
and rum rations, see?
But us, your civilian population,
we're expected to sail in unprotected.
We should be given special winter money
living in this country.
Special winter money?!
Why not? For staying in residence,
occupying and operating the country
during the worst of the winter months.
Blimey, most of your well-to-do are off
into the sun before Christmas, they are.
Gone with the swallows, they are.
Leader-less this country is during the winter.
It's why you never get a war in the winter
in this country.
What?
What you bloody laughing at?
It's facts, isn't it, facts.
It's stupid.
All of our wars have all been summer wars,
ain't they?
What?
Just stop bloody giggling
and you might learn something.
You look in your history books,
all our wars - last war, first world war,
your Falklands war, all them wars
were started in the summer and why?
I'll tell you for why, Miss Giggleguts -
I'll tell you for why,
because there's no one bloody well here
in the winter.
No one in authority, that is. No one that can
arrange to start a bloody war, is there?
No, they're all off into the sun,
off with the swallows like he said.
Get out of my bloody seat, come on.
Here, I could do with a swallow, Alf.
Give us that bottle, will you?
That's a bit of a handicap, innit, Arthur -
that's your drinking hand, innit?
No, that's all right, I'm amphi.
- Amphi?
- Amphi, you know, use the other hand.
That's why they got Marigold
and his mob over here, innit?
- Oh, no!
- Yeah.
Pack 'em all off to England,
the politicians said,
we'll have this tropical paradise to ourselves.
Too good for your coons, this is,
too good for Marigold and his mob.
Well, we have to keep a few of 'em here,
servants, you know,
put white coats on 'em.
Get rid of the rest of them,
demolish all the shanty towns,
and put up a few five-star hotels
and we'll spend the winter recess here.
- Yeah, for the winter junkets.
- That's it.
I can hear them now.
"I say, what a good idea.”
Sitting in the sun, sitting in the sun
discussing the third world.
"I say, fellas, let's loosen our belts
and make room for another blow-out
"and see if we can sort out
this Ethiopian famine.
"Send this back, send that back,
not enough meat on the lobster.
"The steak's too rare,
the champagne's too warm.”
You won't get none of them back here
till the weather warms up.
Yeah, and we can sit here shivering
and dying in the cold,
like my poor Else done.
A good woman she was.
Good wife and mother.
She was!
In your famous new technocological age
what they're all talking about,
she was left to sit here
and bloody freeze to death.
We might as well still be living in caves,
for all the good the new technocological age
done for her.
Dad!
Nah, it's all rubbish anyway.
Bloody rubbish.
(Sobs)
It was them killed my mother,
the government.
They killed her off.
That was hypothermia.
They froze her to death.
She was a good woman.
A saint she was, God rest her soul.
(Speaks Yiddish)
A kinder woman never lived.
We had a plot for her, for my mother,
reserved special for her.
It was smart, clean and decent
when we first had it,
when we buried my father in it.
You should see it now.
We had to bury my mother in it
a few months ago - you should see it now.
You'd think it was pigs buried there.
It's blackies now, my sister said.
It's them blackies,
they're burying them here now.
It's them what's made the mess.
Well, if it is, I said,
if it is them they're burying here,
if it is blackies...
she's coming up.
Mum's not being left to lie here
among blackies, I said.
No, she couldn't bear 'em when she was alive,
she's not gonna lay among 'em dead.
They've ruined our street.
Well, they ain't gonna ruin her grave,
they ain't gonna ruin her eternal rest,
and they ain't laying alongside her.
So, I'll have her up, we'll have her up
and lay her to rest somewhere else.
They shouldn't let "em over 'ere.
It's not their country.
Not their cemetery.
If they must let 'em over here,
at least send 'em back when they're dead.
We shouldn't be made to have 'em here
for all eternity.
God! Apartheid for the dead!
How ignorant can you get?
Look at it, white supremacy.
Look at it, the master race,
as thick as pig shit!
Oh!
When they were fighting the Nazis, they
didn't realise they were on the wrong side.
Mrs Hollingbery.
Oh! Oh, I didn't know you were 'ere.
When you play God Save The Queen
or Land Of Hope And Glory on the piano,
you have to use the white keys
and the darkies!
Oh!
Look, I was born in this country, my mother
and father was born in this country.
For Christ's sakes, what do I have to do
to become an Englishman?
You gotta be a man for a start off,
you bloody great poofter!
You can't be English, can you?
I am English. How can I not be English
with a name like mine -
Winston Spencer Churchill?
That is disgusting.
I'm black English and you're white English -
well, whitish with black spots.
- Hot towels will get rid of your blackheads.
- Get off!
Tell me, sonny, when did you find out
you was a schwarzer?
(Laughs)
Well, it was when I was a small boy,
about the same time you found out
you was a Jew boy -
you know, when they tell you
to get to the back of the bus.
You know, it was a Jew who freed all the
slaves. Abraham Lincoln, a wonderful man.
Abraham Lincoln, a Jew?!
Well, he wasn't bloody Irish, was he?
Anyway, they wasn't his slaves to free,
they was our coons, weren't they?
Of course they was. We had like a surplus
of coons, all lolling about in our Africa,
all swinging in the bleed in" trees.
So you put them in chains
and sold them to America.
They only chained them up
cos they kept running away.
If they didn't, they was treated very well,
our English slaves was.
You don't wanna believe
all them tales you hear.
Oh, yeah, it was stamped on
the export licence, wasn't it?
"These are English slaves,
so they must be treated decently.”
Well, they was, they was!
They was only sent to nice people,
big houses and gentlefolk.
They didn't send any of them to the slums.
We never had none round here, did we?
They was allowed to live in sheds
at the bottom of the white master's garden,
- the way they do in South Africa now.
- You don't live in a bleedin' shed!
You'd like that, wouldn't you -
having slaves to fetch and carry for you,
and nice boys like Winston
running around after you?
They'd have to run faster than he does.
Saying sir and madam. Jawohl!
I tell you, boss, I bet you if I put on a white
coat and carried a tray, I'd be real hot.
Wouldn't I, boss? Wouldn't I, boss?
I don't wanna discuss it.
- Mr Garnet?
- What?
Mr Garnet, I've got nothing against
black people myself, per se, personally.
I only hope you never have to have
a transplant, Mrs Hollingbery.
We got a black dustman.
As you know, we don't complain.
We got a black postman, he's all right.
Cos if all your organs
are as bigoted as you are,
you won't stand a chance,
they'd reject it.
But black neighbours, see,
I don't mind, but if I wanna sell my house...
It's a funny thing, bigotry,
Mrs Hollingbery.
If you had a new heart, say,
then all your other organs might reject it,
and have nothing to do with it,
if they're as prejudiced as you are.
See, my house is worth £36,000
in a white neighbourhood.
They might say "Here, that's a new heart
they've put in, it's not one of us, it's foreign”
and then where would you be,
Mrs Hollingbery?
Dead -
another victim of prejudice and bigotry.
But ghetto prices, they tend to be lower.
You see, I'm not a racist...
I wouldn't want anybody else's bits and pieces
sewn into me, thank you.
...but I could find myself out of pocket.
People come to see the house,
look it over and they see blackies.
You see - it's not me, it's them.
I mean, a man's gonna pay £40,000
for a new house,
he's gonna be a bit fussy
about his new neighbours.
I mean, it's worse than woodworm or dry rot
when you come to sell the house.
A bit of rising damp you can get away with,
but black neighbours -
- now, you see how I'm thinking?
- Oh, yes!
It's not me, it's the possible purchaser.
I don't mind them. I'll enjoy a curry occasionally,
won't I, dear?
Oh, if it's not too hot.
Even Chinese. We are cosmopolitan
in that sense, aren't we, dear?
Oh, I had an Asian lady
in the next bed to me in hospital.
She took it quite well.
She had a Jamaican nurse as well.
We are broadminded ourselves,
aren't we, dear -
not like Mrs Hollingbery,
your upstairs neighbour.
No, no, these are God's creatures.
We were Liberal and SDP, weren't we,
before we became Tory, dear?
No, what I'm trying to say, Mr Garnet,
if he, the blackie...
Let's call a spade a spade.
...if he's going to be living with you,
perhaps you could sort of keep him um...
- Undercover.
- ..In lower profile.
You see, as householders,
owner-buyers, so to speak,
it wouldn't do us any good if the street
became known for its high black profile.
- No of fence.
- None taken, darling.
You know,
we Jews used to lower the land values.
We lowered all the land values
in the whole of Walthamstow,
and when they were low enough,
my Uncle Melvin bought them all up
and he made a good profit.
See, this is the problem with the schwarzers -
they're not clever, you haven't got the no use.
It is good to lower the land values, sonny.
We should only be able to lower
the food prices.
# ..old mill by the stream
# Nellie Dean
# Where we used to sit and dream
# Nellie Dean #
Come on, Mr Garnet, wake up,
come on, wake up.
- Eh?
- Everybody's gone.
Rita tried to say goodbye to you
but she couldn't get any sense into you.
- Where's Rita?
- She had to get back to Liverpool.
She tried to say goodbye to you.
Why didn't she say goodbye to me?
- You wouldn't wake up.
- Was I asleep?
You was dead drunk.
- Oh, God!
- (Knock on door)
- Eh, what?
- Hmph!
Where's he going tonight -
you taking him with you?
No, he's staying here. Don't worry,
I'll make sure he's all right before I go.
He can't stay here.
- He lives here!
- I Live here!
I didn't mind him living here
when his wife was here,
but now she's gone...
We've only got the one door.
I mean, there's nothing to stop him
coming up my stairs.
I'm a woman on my own and I'm not taking
any chances, not with the likes of him.
You've got a door at the top.
It's not a strong door, it's not a street door.
I can't bolt it.
And when they've got the drink in...
...eh?
Well, that door wouldn't hold a man
turned animal with drink,
and flamed with drunken desires.
We've only got the one street door.
Now, that arrangement was all right
when Mrs Garnet was living here,
but now she's gone, poor woman,
well, it's not decent.
What're you talking about not decent,
you bloody silly old faggot?
Eh?
You can go and live up in Liverpool
with your daughter.
I don't wanna live in Liverpool!
No, no, they won't have you
and I can't say I blame them.
- Look...
- Well, I don't want you here.
I live here, missus!
I live here, you stupid old witch!
This is my house,
I've got a rent book, ain't I?
Don't shout at me.
I heard enough of you shouting
when your poor wife was alive.
- Look...
- Poor woman.
- I could write a book on you.
- Oh, yeah?
= Yeah, and I would too, for two pins.
- Yeah, and I'd write a book on you an" all.
- And that'd tell people what you are.
- Oh, yes, well, listen, I'll tell you something,
I live here, missus.
If anyone's gonna move, it's you.
- We'll see about that.
- We will see about that.
- (Both) Yes, we will
- Can't you get him into a home?
- What?
- I'll stay here tonight and I'll chaperone you.
- Two of you?
- You'll be safe.
Look, I'm a council social worker.
- You'll be all right.
- Ohh!
I better be.
Don't neither of you come up these stairs.
I bet you're bloody faffing!
Mrs Pudding!
God blimey! Ohh!
Have you been trying to have it on with her
or what?
I wouldn't touch her with a barge pole.
I'll see to your bed.
Silly old moo.
# Now my old darling,
they've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her
with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# Cos I'll probably starve to death,
that's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer
I'm bloody poorer, that's a fact
# That's cos in sickness and in health
I said I do
# In sickness and in health I said I do #