In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 1, Episode 7 - Christmas Special - full transcript

# When we got married
I took the marriage vow

# In sickness and in health I said I do

# For richer or poorer
'Till death us do part

# And you said that you'd
Honour and obey me too

# But it wasn't very long
Before I soon found out

# The one who wore the trousers was you

# Now after all these years
At last I'm pushing you about

# But in sickness and in health
I love ya

# In sickness and in health
I said I do #

(TOILET FLUSHING)

I thought you were putting
the Christmas decorations up.



-Waiting for you, ain't I?
-Oh!

Waiting for me? Good excuse.
I can't help you.

I'm waiting for you to tell me
where you want to put 'em.

Put 'em where you like.

Before I put 'em where I like, I'll only
have to take them all down again

and put 'em up where you like, won't I?

Saving time, ain't I?

-Just sitting.
-Not just sitting, my dear.

I'm waiting for you.

Got me tools.

Now, I'm just waiting for
the foreman to arrive, ain't I?

Now what is your wish, my dear?

I wish you'd lift that seat up
when you go in there.

-Always asking you to lift that seat.
-I do lift it!



It's all on the floor in there, too.

Look, you can't see in there properly,
can you? There's no bleeding bulb.

Well, put one in there.

-IKeep asking your Winston, don't I?
-You leave too much for Winston to do.

Expect him to do everything.

Don't do nothing.
He's bone-idle, that's his trouble.

He's too bloody bone-idle.

I feel ashamed for Winston to see it.

-You leave it too late.
-Shut up!

You should try to go sooner.
Not leave it to the last minute.

Look, I go when I'm called.
I go when nature calls, don't I?

Now where do you want these decorations?

I don't care where you put 'em.

Rather you cleared up the mess
in the toilet first.

That's what I'd rather you did
before Winston gets here.

(BANGING FROM ABOVE)

I can bang! I can bang!

-Bloody hell!
-A white Christmas.

Shut up!

Oh, you look very Christmassy.

(SNORING)

I cleaned up inside the toilet,
Mrs Garnett,

and I put a new light bulb in,
all right?

-Thank you, dear.
-Thank you, dear.

I aim to please. You aim too, please.

Don't poke me
with the bleedin' lavatory brush!

Don't know where's it's been.

(CHILDREN SINGING
OH, COME ALL YE FAITHFUL)

Them bloody kids!

-They're carol singing.
-I'll get them bloody carol singing!

Them bloody carol-singing.

What do they think we are?
Made of money?

Merry Christmas, vicar.

-These flowers are dead.
-I'm not surprised!

You want to change the water
a bit more often!

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Now what?

I'm not collecting, Mr Garnett.

Just want to wish you a merry Christmas
and invite you and Mrs Garnett

to dinner on Christmas Day.

Oh, thanks very much, vicar.

(CHILDREN CHUCKLING)

-There's an invitation card.
-Oh.

-Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas to you.

-CHILDREN: Merry Christmas.
-Shut up.

Here, there's a turn up
for the book in it, eh?

A bit of action from the church,
at last.

The vicar, he's invited us to
his Christmas dinner.

I've got nothing to wear.

We're going to Christmas dinner
not a bleeding fashion show.

-Thank you, sir.
-Oh, there you go.

Thank you.

-You going away for Christmas, Alf?
-No.

Not going to the Bahamas then, eh?
I wish I was.

You're not going to stay in here,
drinking all night, are you?

No.

Look, what's it got to do with you?

Well, warn a, Ihave been cooking at home

and I don't want you coming back
when it's all spoilt.

That's what it's got to do with me.

All right, all right,
I'll be back in a minute.

-That's what you always say.
-well, T will.

Well, see that you are because
I'm dishing it up in half an hour.

-Put it in the oven.
-What? And have it dry up again?

You sick?

-You just be home.
-All right!

-And remember, pwana, half an hour.
-ALF: All right.

Has he moved in with you, Alf?

-Near enough, Arthur, near enough.
-I can never understand your coons.

Nor me, mate. Nor me.

I mean, coming over here,
leaving all that warm sunshine,

just to sit and freeze in the damp.

-Can't be very bright, can they?
-With that one ain't, I'll tell ya.

Can't have a lot upstairs, can they?

I mean, there they are,
born out there in bloody paradise.

It's like Treasure Island
where they come from, you know?

The palm trees, coral reefs,
silver sands, tranquil seas.

I mean, you've got to be
a millionaire to afford that.

I mean, it'd cost you a fortune
to go there on holiday, you know?

Right.

I mean, only the jet-setters
can lay on them beaches.

But your coons, what was born out there,

I mean, they turn their nose up there

and come over here in the cold
and the damp. Why?

I mean,
there's nothing over here for him.

There's nothing here for us,
come to think of that.

I mean, they're thick, ain't they?
I mean, thick as a plank.

-Thicker than your Irish even.
-Iknow.

Now, you see, Arthur, the reason
he comes here, your coon, see,

he comes over here
to better his self, don't he?

-Better his self?
-Yeah, to be more like us.

More like us?

To raise his stands.
He wants to raise his stands.

-There's no harm in that, is there?
-No, no, no, no.

I mean, he's bright enough in that way,

intelligent enough in that way,
your coon, you see.

Now, you see, Arthur,
your sunshine's all right.

Your palm trees and all that,
but, I mean, it's not everything, is it?

-No, no, no.
-Eh?

More to life
than laying on a beach, ain't there?

See, your sunshine's all right
if all you want is a tan.

I mean, it's all your millionaire
goes out there for in the first place

-to get his self a tan.
-Yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean a tan
is no good to your coon, is it?

No, the last thing he wants is a tan.

-I mean, he'd be happier with a bleach.
-Right.

I can't see... Arthur, what he's after,
what he wants, see, is what we got.

What we got? what's that?

Culture, education, things like that.

'Cause them's the things he ain't got
what he envies us for, you see?

See, a more intelligent coon, Arthur,
he looks up to us, admires our ways,

tries to copy us and be more like us.

You see, they first got to know us
when we had our empire.

We ruled over them.

We ruled over most of the world
in them days, we did?

ARTHUR: That's right, yeah.

'Till the bloody Labour Party
gave it all away.

(MUMBLING)

Bloody Gandhi, he wouldn't eat
his dinner, they gave him India.

Isay they, they grew to like us
in them days and to respect us.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Worshipped us, they did,
and Her Majesty.

The Great White Queen,
as they called her.

That's right, they did, yeah.

Trouble is, Arthur, see, when we
give up the empire and returned home,

most of them saved up the fare
and followed us back here.

-Arthur, I'm thinking...
-Yeah, what?

...that money that you've been
in charge of collecting

for the old Christmas be a no.

Should be a good do, Alf.
There's quite a bit in there.

Yeah, the trouble is, you see,

me and the missus, we'd been invited
to the vicar's Christmas dinner.

So we won't be able to come to that.

It's all right.
It's all the more for us.

No, that's not the point, is it, Arthur?
That's not the point.

I'll tell you something though,

if we was Ethiopian

there'd be a bloody sight more
than that collected for us.

That bloody Bob Geldof, 50 million quid
he collected from them Ethiopians.

Somebody ought to tell him
charity begins at home.

Yeah, but them poor buggers
is starving, Alf.

There's always been famines, Arthur,
ever since Abraham's day.

I mean, if God wants to punish people,
he sends down a famine upon them,

-don't he?
-There's no need for a famine.

If God don't want nothing
to grown in his desert, he won't let it.

-It's nothing to do with God.
-It's all to do with God.

If he wants to do a bit of culling,
a bit of judicious culling,

well, Arthur, he's up to him, innit?
I mean, it's his world, innit?

Look, Alf, it's Christmas.
Goodwill to all men.

I know all about that, mate, but I mean,

their staple diet, Arthur,
is a bowl of rice, innit?

That's the way they live. I mean...

I mean, you're going to spoil 'em,
give them 50 million quid,

giving them things to eat
they aren't used to eating

and things they don't expect,
things they'll be demanding soon.

You start slinging 50 million quid
at them all the time.

You... You'd stand watching them
poor buggers dying, wouldn't ya?

I didn't say that, Arthur.
Don't put words in my mouth, mate.

Well...

Ifeel as sorry for them
as anyone else does.

We wouldn't have to watch them die

if it wasn't for
your bloody television, would we?

Bloody media.

I mean, if it wasn't for the BBC,
we wouldn't even know about it,

-would we?
-No, no, no.

I don't know why we pay them
the licence fee, sometimes?

I mean, that's not entertainment, is it?

Shouldn't have to watch that while
you're eating your dinner, should you?

No.

Anyway, as I was saying, Arthur boy,

you started out on about all them
bloody Ethiopians.

That money what you've been collecting,
that's for all of us round here

-who's aged, ain't we? I mean...
-Yeah.

That is...all of us old ones
and English, I hope. See, well now...

Arthur, me and the missus, we're
included in that, ain't we?

I mean, our share
is in there somewhere, innit?

-Yeah.
-Arthur, let me ask you a question.

How much are you going to lay out
per head for the Christmas dinner, eh?

-Well...
-Well, about four pound, eh?

About four pound a mouth,

I mean, you wouldn't get
Christmas dinner

for much less than
four pound a mouth, would you?

-No, I suppose not.
-Oh, well...

That's obvious, innit?

I mean,
that jar owes me eight pound, don't it?

I mean,
I won't be there to eat it, will I?

So, I mean,
that's only fair, Arthur, innit?

Only bloody fair.

-Hey, Alf.
-What?

You'll get me shot.
I mean, that's almost fraud.

-What about drinks, Arthur?
-Drinks?

Bound to be drinks there.
I mean, Christmas party.

I mean, it won't be much of a party
without drinks, will it, eh?

-Ilike a drink. You know that, Arthur.
-Iknow.

-That's two quid there.
-I'm cheating myself, ain't I, Arthur?

(CHUCKLES)

If I was there I'd drink more than that,
wouldn't I, eh?

Four quid's worth of drinks?

Won't be much of a party
with four quid's worth of drinks.

I'm glad I'm not going now.

You're right, Alf.
I don't think I'll bother to go either.

There only be a lot of old fogies there,
won't there?

-Guvnor, two large whiskys, please.
-No, no, no. I'll get these.

Oh, that's very nice of you, Arthur.

Here, while I think about it,
the Christmas draw.

I better put the winning ticket up
for the bottle of scotch.

Right. You're a good secretary, Arthur.

I'll say that for you, a good hon sec.

You see, Art, it was Enoch...
It was Enoch...

It was Enoch who brought your coons
over here, wasn't it?

Yeah.

Now he wants to send them
all back again.

That's because they didn't come up
to his expectations, you see.

You liked him, didn't you?

I liked Enoch. He was
the Minister of Labour, wasn't he?

-That's right, yeah. Correct.
-Minister of Labour.

-We were short of lab our in them days.
-Yes, exactly.

He brought him over, didn't he,
as your cheap lab our.

Well, you see the unions...unions
wouldn't allow it, wouldn't they?

-Bloody unions.
-Bloody unions.

Bloody unions running the country, eh,
bloody unions.

See.. No, but he promised them...
He promised your coons...

-It was like Dick Whittington.
-He wears a cap.

He promised them the streets
were paved with gold.

Dick whittington, yes.

Who you talking about, Arthur?

-Pavements of gold.
-That's what he promised your coons.

Oh, he did. That's quite right.
Yeah, yeah.

-Fibs, he told them fibs.
-Fibs, yeah, he did.

-He conned 'em.
-Conned 'em.

-He really conned them.
-Condom?

No, conned 'em, not condom.

(LAUGHING)

- (ENUNCIATING) Conned them, conned them.
-Conned them, conned them.

You want to live in the pub?
Well, eat in the pub.

(SCOFFS)

-I'll never wear it.
-But it suits you, Mum.

I'll never wear it.

Never mind.
I'll find somebody to give it to.

-Well, what about the shoes?
-Shoes? It's a waste for her, shoes.

I mean, what use are shoes to her
sitting in a bloody wheelchair?

Dad, those are cigars!

I don't smoke cigars, do I?

So, you're going back, then?

So, you're not staying, then?

So, you're leaving us,
Christmas Eve. Nice.

The one day in a year
most families coming together,

spend Christmas around same table,
you're leaving.

Look, Dad, you knew full well
I was going back.

You knew I wasn't gonna stay.

I've only come out down here
to see if you and Mum was all right

and give you your Christmas presents.

-We are not all right, are we?
-You are all right.

Oh, I suppose crippled up
in a wheelchair

unable to move is all right?

I've got stabbing pains in my chest.

Digging into me like a knife, they are.
That's all right.

It's a wonder I'm still alive,

what I've been through

But I'm still on my feet,
so that's all right.

Doctor told me I've got to take it easy.
Says, "Oh, you've got to rest."

"Rest, me?

"Who's gonna look after your mummy
if I rest, eh?" But that's all right.

Look, Dad, I'd like to stay.
You know I would if I could.

Looks like you'd like to stay. Oh, yeah.

(SNIGGERS)

Looks like you'd like to stay.
That's why you're packing to go home

'cause you'd like to stay if you could.

Well, me and Mummy,

we'd like to be fit and healthy
to enjoy Christmas if we could.

But we can't, can we? No.

'Cause we got to spend Christmas
on our own.

Spend Christmas alone, suffering,
crippled up with pain.

Have a merry Christmas. Oh, yeah.

It's going to be a bloody
merry Christmas, all right, innit?

Christmas is supposed to be
for families.

But my family is in Liverpool!

Your family used to be
down here with us.

Yes, but I'm married, Dad.

I've got another family now
in Liverpool.

(MOANING)

I've got these pains.

You've been having
those pains for years.

Yeah. Well, I won't be having them
much longer, will I?

Well, should I get the doctor now?

(SCOFFS) Doctor?
He's no good for what I got.

Well, what have you got?

-Broken heart.
-Aw, Dad.

I did say we'd both come down
this Christmas, me and Mike.

-I don't want him in this house!
-Exactly!

Look, Dad, next Christmas
I'll try and arrange it, all right?

May not be a next Christmas, my dear.

This could be the last one
for both of us.

-What you talking about?
-Nothing.

It's between us. We don't want no one
interfering, trying to stop us.

-Stop what?
-Nothing. Forget I spoke.

It's a pact, innit?
Pact between me and Mummy.

I want to know!

-I'll make a cup of tea.
-No! Never mind the cup of tea.

What is this pact you've made?
I want to know.

You'll know.
You'll know, my dear. Soon enough.

(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) Get off!

-We want to be buried in the same grave.
-What?

We want to arrive in heaven
at the same time.

Oh, Dad. What is going on?
I want to know what is going on.

Don't you worry, my dear.
You go back to Liverpool.

We don't want to be a burden. No.

It's times like these,
at Christmas, when you realise...

Anyway, we made our decision.

If I can't be here to look after Mummy,
she wants to go with me.

-Mum...
-You come out of there!

What was this about
this pact you've made with Dad?

-What pact?
-Now, look...

(SHUSHING)

She's not supposed to know.
You're not supposed to tell her.

Well, I didn't want to
bother her with it.

-Not at Christmas.
-Oh, I should've known.

That was all to stop me going home,
wasn't it?

Fancy me falling for a story
like that from someone like you,

a coward like you.

You're the last person in the world
to make a suicide pact.

-What suicide pact?
-Never you mind, Mum. Never mind.

-What's he been telling you?
-Nothing, nothing. Look...

-Rita... well, listen.
-Get off me!

I was going to do it on my own.

What? You weren't even
going to tell Mum.

-You gonna bump her off as a surprise.
-No, no, no.

Oh, you make me sick, you do.
Of all the underhand things.

-Oh, look, I wouldn't harm Mummy.
-You make me sick.

-What she been saying, Rita?
-Nothing, dear.

Don't push me! Nothing.
Look, you go back to sleep, dear.

I wasn't asleep.

No. Well, I was just
telling her about EXIT.

-You know, about us joining EXIT.
-Isaid you should join it.

I don't want to join it.
I hear you have to pay to join that.

£75 life membership.

Or £7.50 a year.
You see, they give you easy terms.

Euthanasia, Rit. Voluntary euthanasia.

You volunteer, I've told you.

That's the trouble,
he won't volunteer for anything.

-Anyway, I did tell her...
-Oh, don't.

Look, I wouldn't do nothing
without telling your Mummy.

You are despicable. Do you know that?
You are despicable.

And you? You've ruined my Christmas,
you have. You...

Both of ya.

Oh, Dad, why you're taking down
the Christmas decorations?

No point in leaving them up here, is it?
It's a bloody mockery, innit?

No happy Christmas in this house,
will there?

(SCREAMING)

Dad!

Dad!

Dad!

-Does that hurt?
-Hmm?

-Mr Garnett, does that hurt?
-Where? Oh, yeah. Oh!

-I'm in agony.
-Hmm.

Well, I don't know what to say, really.
I can't find anything wrong.

No obvious damage but
with these old people, it's difficult.

-Yeah.
-It's their age.

There could be something,
I wouldn't like to say.

Of course, he'll have to be
looked after and watched over

and I'll pop in and see him
after Christmas.

You'll be here with him, I take it?

-I can't.
-Good, good.

He can't be left on his own
with Mrs Garnett the way she is.

-You'll be here?
-I can't.

Yeah.

-Good. Fine.
-Thank you.

Well, I'LL see myself out.
Merry Christmas.

Okay. Thank you.

You're looking very well, Mrs Garnett.
Merry Christmas to you.

Thank you and to you.

He's no good, you know.

I'll have to stay then.

I bet it's nothing serious.

Pity.

-Aye aye, Alf, where's your parrot?
-Very funny.

-Where'd you get that, Arthur?
-We won the raffle, didn't we?

-There's a funny thing, eh?
-Yeah, it's all right.

It'll be a merry Christmas.

VICAR: Ah, welcome!
And a very merry, merry Christmas

and a very prosperous New Year
to you all.

Yeah, but it won't be much of that
for any of us, will there?

Unless your governor works
one of his bleeding miracles.

-Dad!
-Ow!

(ALF GRUNTING)

You shouldn't be eating that,
Mr Rabinsky. It's not kosher.

It's nicer than kosher, it's free.

ALF: You're talking a load of cobblers,
mate! He's mad!

He's round the bloody twist, that one.
He wants to ban Christmas.

I never said ban it.

I just said play the Christian content
down a bit. That's all.

What're you talking about?

"Playing the Christian content
down a bit. That's all."

That's what it is. Christian, innit?

I mean it's his birthday.
It's the day that he was born.

-Born in a stable.
-Right.

Born in a stable in Bethlehem
'cause there was no room in the inn.

-Right!
-I'm not surprised.

I'm not surprised
there's no room at the inn.

I mean, everything is packed out
at Christmas,

unless you book up, isn't it?

I told you. She's getting bloody senile.

Oh, shut up!

Look, what Winston is trying to say is

that celebrating Christmas
like what we do,

I mean making a big song
and dance about it,

it's not fair on other religions.
I mean...

ALF: What are you talking about?

Just listen, religious people
who go to church regular

and they worship and don't believe
in Christianity, they all feel left out.

Right, because they don't want
to celebrate the birthday of someone

who is to them an alien prophet.

What are you talking about alien?

It was Jesus Christ
who was our Saviour Lord Jesus.

You know, this Jesus was a Jew.

A terrible son
for a good Jewish family to have.

He was Jesus Christ our Lord.

There's no need to
bring his family into it.

He started the Christian religion
in a Jewish ghetto

in the Arab quarter of Bethlehem.

A terrible son to have.

His own father's religion wasn't good
enough for him. He had to start his own.

Oh, children, children,
that we should have to have them.

They can't pick up a phone,
write a letter.

I have to live among aliens.

Aliens? What you talking about, aliens?

You look like a Jewish Father Christmas
from down here.

You're the alien, mate,
and him, bloody Black Beauty here.

RITA: Shut up!

-Iam British.
-Get off out of it.

British with a British passport.

British with a gorgeous tan.
So eat your heart out, whitey.

Listen, bwana. Is what colour
do you think your Jesus was, eh?

He was white.

I mean, the part of the world
that he was born in.

Bet you five to one he was closer
to my colour than he was to yours.

-Yes.
-Jesus was a white man!

He was a white man!
I've seen pictures of him.

He was a white man,
he wore a beard and...

-And a dress.
-Not a dress!

Shut up, the pair of you.
Show a bit of respect.

I've got bloody indigestion
from you now. He wore a robe!

-And a lovely robe it was too.
-Shut it, you big girl.

Listen, &wana, all I'm trying to say,

I'm not against the big end
of the year piss-up.

I love it. It's great.

But, if you play the Christian content
down a bit,

better still, remove it all together.
That way all your ethnics can enjoy it

and all your Christians
who want to celebrate Christ's birthday,

-we'll let them do that some other time.
-What a load of cobblers.

But if you keep the big end of the year
holiday free of Christianity

then all your ethnics of different
various beliefs can enjoy it equally.

-It's a good idea no, bwana?
-No. Shut up and eat your bloody dinner.

I've never heard such a load
of bleeding cobblers in all my life!

Look, never mind all the theology.
Go and fill that up for us, Sambo.

-Now, go on.
-Yes, bwana.

Get off out of it!

(ALL SINGING Knees Up , Mother Brown)

-Merry Christmas, Dad!
-Merry Christmas, darling.

-Are you enjoying yourself?
-It's marvellous.

-I've seen a miracle.
-What?

He who was crippled
has thrown away his crutches and walks!

Not so fast! Rita, not so bloody fast!

(YELLING)

RITA: I could kill you!

Dad? Are you all right, Dad?

Never mind, bwana,
I'll give you the kiss of life.

Get off of me! Get off of me!

# When we got married
I took the marriage vow

# In sickness and in health I said I do

# For richer or poorer
'Till death us do part

# And you said that you'd
Honour and obey me too

# But it wasn't very long
Before I soon found out

# The one who wore the trousers was you

# Now after all these years
At last I'm pushing you about

# But in sickness and in health
I love ya

# In sickness and in health
I said I do #