In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript

# When we got married,
I took the marriage vows

# In sickness and in health, I said I do

# For richer or poorer, till death us do part

# And you said
that you'll hon our and obey me, too

# But it wasn't very long
before I soon found out

# The one who wore the trousers was you

# Now, after all these years
at last I'm pushing you about

# But in sickness and in health, I love you

# In sickness and in health, I said I do #

(Beeping)

(Beeping)



Get off!

You ought to try that alternative medicine
they're all talking about.

- Who's all talking about?
- Everybody.

- Who?
- They're all talking about it.

I haven't heard them.

You don't listen, do you?
You sit there, you don't hear nothing.

There's things going on all round you.

You don't see 'em, you don't hear 'em.

- New things coming in, old things going out.
- I wish you would.

The whole world's changing. You don't know
the first thing that's going on today.

All right, what's going on today?

Look, didn't you ever hear
the expression, "Where it's at"?

- Wear whose hat?
- Where the world's at.

I've got my own hat.



Not hat! At, at, at, at!

At, at, at, at!

You're thick, you are.

Where it is, I'm talking about,
where it's all happening.

Here, you watch what you're doing
with my wheelchair.

I'm watching it.

Where it is. I'm saying where it's happening.

Where what's happening?

New things, new...new technicological advances,
new sciences.

What do you know about sciences?

I listen, don't I?
I listen, keep my ears open, don't I?

You should wash behind them.

You've got soap behind that one,
and something else that's not soap.

Where? Where?

It's been there for several days.

- Where?
- Well, go and wash behind 'em.

You'll have potatoes growing
behind them soon.

I'll have a wash in a minute,
when I finish this. I'll have a bath.

Oh, I'll put the flags out.

- Look, I bath as much as anyone else does.
- Yeah, but not so often.

- I bath regular.
- Christmas is regular.

Never mind about Christmas.
I had a bath last Friday, didn't I?

Don't overdo it.

Look, I keep myself clean, my dear,

but I don't have no fads
about sitting in a bath every day,

washing all the natural oils out of your skin.

No fear of that happening to you.

Them oils is put there to protect you,
ain't they?

They're nature's way
of weatherproofing you.

- Oh. Is that one of your new sciences?
- That is thick, that is.

That is the sign
of someone who's really thick, that is,

to sit and scoff
at things you don't understand.

That's why men like Galileo was martyred
and hung from crosses,

because of people like you.

Didn't he believe in bathing either?

Galileo was scoffed at because he said
the world was round and not flat.

They laughed at him, jeered at him,
people like you in their ignorance.

I've never said the world wasn't round.

- No, not now, you wouldn't.
- But I'm pleased that the bit we use is flat.

Anyway, your Queen swears by it.

- What?
- Alternative medicine.

So does Prince Charles. He swears by it,
and them people ain't daft.

They know what's good for "em.

Well, I've got my own doctor.

So has she. So has Her Majesty the Queen got
her own doctor, Sir something or other.

A knight-of-the-realm doctor,
a best-that-money-can-buy doctor.

If he can't cure and keep her happy,
she don't mess about.

She don't take no chances like you do.

She asks for a second opinion, a third,
a fourth, a fifth opinion if she fancies.

She plays the field, she does.

If there's anything the slightest bit wrong
with that woman,

she has armies of them up the palace.

They're queuing up, they are,
lining up to give her the once over,

and if one of them, any of them,
makes the slightest little mistake,

off with his royal.

Yes, banished from the court,

back to the National Health,
with all the rest of the rubbish.

Still, despite all that top-class medical aid,

she still dabbles
in your alternative medicine.

Swears by it, she does.

That's why she's always so fit and healthy,
not like you.

Oh, well, ain't got my legs, has she?

Of course she ain't got your legs, my dear.
She wouldn't want your legs.

She wouldn't put up with your legs,
would she?

She don't have to put up with my legs,
does she?

She's got all her armies of doctors
to put up with my legs, if she had 'em.

She has also...

She has also got her alternative medicine,

because she ain't got a closed-up mind
like what you have.

I mean, blimey, first doctor you see,
any doctor you see,

you treat them like God, you do.

They say your legs are no good no more,
you can't walk.

You've got to sit in a wheelchair and be pushed
around and you believe them!

Anything they say, you take it as gospel.

I didn't need a doctor to tell me
my legs were no good any more.

I didn't need anyone to tell me
I couldn't walk properly any more.

I knew that myself.

I went to the doctor
to find out why they didn't work any more,

why it was hard to walk on them.

And you believed what he told you.

Well, he was a Harley Street consultant.

What do you expect me to do?
Call him a liar?

You could have asked for a second opinion.

I didn't need one.

Blimey, he's only a Harley Street consultant,
ain't he?

Not bloody God, is he?

If he was any good
as a Harley Street consultant...

(Rattling)

If he was any good
as a Harley Street consultant,

he wouldn't have to come and work
on the National Health.

He could stay up there on Harley Street
and make his fortune, couldn't he?

Here...do you know what you're doing?

Do you want to do it?

Right, these will come in handy
for something.

What did you take them off for?

I'm trying to strip down the wheelchair,
make it easier to push, ain't I?

These, these are for your hands, ain't they?

For pushing the wheelchair
with your hands. You don't do that, do you?

- No.
- That's superfluous weight, innit?

- That's not ours.
- Well, it is while we're in charge of it.

Look, you have to give it back
when we've done with it.

We'll cross that bridge. You won't be here
when we have to give it back, will you?

While you are here, I'm trying
to make it a bit easier to push, ain't I?

- Come on, try it.
- I can't sit in it like that.

- Try it.
- No! It won't be comfortable.

Nowhere to put my feet,
no armrest, no cushions.

It's marvellous, innit?
You're so bloody selfish, you are.

It's all you think of, self, self, self!

It's me
that's got to push the bloody thing, innit?

They make them too heavy in the first place.

Look at it. Bloody thing's got no design.

- It was comfortable.
- That's all you think about, innit, comfort?

What about my comfort, eh?

My comfort,
when I have to push you in the bloody thing?

A lot of what is wrong with you,
my dear, is old age.

I know
a lot of what's wrong with me is old age.

It's not old age that's wrong with my legs.

Your legs are no younger.

Your legs are as old as mine.

You seem to have no bother
walking about on them.

Except when you're drinking that stuff.

Alternative medicine, my dear.

Alternative medicine?
Is that what the Queen swears by?

No, but her mother does. She's fit enough.
She's older than you are.

They don't push her round in a wheelchair
and she's still got all her marbles, ain't she?

This stuff will do you more good

than all the pills the quack will shove
down your throat if you let him.

Remedy, this stuff, ain't it?

Old Scottish remedy.

Brewed up in your Highlands.

It's remedy against raw mornings
and even colder nights.

Why do you think
your Jocks put it in their porridge, eh?

Cos you're wearing nothing but a kilt,
my dear,

you need something warming
going down there, don't you?

This will kill any germs, this will.

= IT'LL kill you too, if you don't ease up on it.
- Yeah.

I wouldn't mind a quid
for all the colds and influenzas

drinking this stuff
has prevented me from getting.

- You've always got colds.
- There's a lot of colds about, my dear.

Can't avoid all of them.

I mean, there's times
when I'm not drinking this stuff, ain't there?

What times?

Well, it's when you're asleep, innit,
in the middle of the night,

your germs are liable to attack you.

Four o'clock in the morning, my dear.

You ask any doctor.
That's when you're at your lowest ebb.

That's when the germs attack you,

when any protection you might have got
off this stuff has been, like...disappeared.

When your defences are down, my dear.

No, I've had colds.

I admit that I've had them,
but think of all the colds I might have had

if I hadn't had this stuff
to fend them off with.

You really believe in that stuff, don't you?

Well, I ain't found much else worth
believing in, my dear, to tell you the truth.

I mean, .I wouldn't say
nothing against religion, you know,

but your lord drank, didn't he, eh?

Yes, he did.

You may not need a drink up in heaven,
but while he was down here on earth,

he soon discovered he needed a drink.
Cor blimey.

Holy as he was,
he found out he couldn't live with us

and put up with what we have to put up with
without having a few.

Blimey! Drove him to drink, we did.

I'll bet his mum says to him,

"I wish you wouldn't go down there
and mix with those people.

"You always come back up here drunk.”

I suppose that's going to stay
like that now, is it?

God...

- Come on!
- (Horn honking)

Hurry up!

(Horn honking)

Get out of the way! I'm pushing this thing
and I'm faster than you lot.

Ought to put a white line
down the middle of the pavement.

Fast lane, slow lane.

I can't put up with much more of this,
I tell you.

My legs will give out soon. You'll see.

They ought to give us a powered wheelchair.

That's what they ought to give us,
like the one we seen the other day.

They won't give me a powered chair,

not while I've got you.

It's not only my legs, my dear.
It's my back an' all now.

My bloody back is killing me.

Well, never mind. Soon be home,
and then you can have a nice sit down.

Yeah.

Move it!

Don't park on the pavements!

Oh...

I'm going to see them
about a powered wheelchair.

I can't go on like this.

You won't get one.

It's all the cutbacks. It's your Mrs Thatcher.

She don't like lame dogs.

She wants everyone
to stand on their own feet.

Oh, shut up about Mrs Thatcher.

Never mind.

Perhaps Labour will win the next election

and that nice Mr Kinnock will spend
more money on he health service.

Labour? Looking after themselves
is what they'll be doing.

Feathering his own nest
is what your nice Mr Kinnock will be doing,

same as your nice Mr Harold Wilson
and nice James Callaghan.

Yeah. They both done better under Labour,
but nobody else did, did they?

Darling Harold Wilson
was flogging peerages

to anyone with £100,000 to spare.

- Ted Heath got a boat.
- Yeah.

Michael Foot? Admitted all he was after was
a new overcoat, but he never got it, did he?

Scruff bag!

They're all in it for themselves,
bloody politicians, innit?

Blimey, becoming prime minister in this
country now is better than winning the pools

and we can't even get
a powered wheelchair!

Bloody Labour Party.

Blimey, they didn't have nothing
when they first come to power,

not one of them, not even a pot to piss in,
and now look at "em!

Lording it up there in the House of Commons
on £30-40,000 a year.

- They don't do nothing for nobody.
- They don't get 40,000 a year.

They may not admit to it,
but what they say they get

and what they bung in their own pockets
is two entirely different things, innit?

It's your perks, my dear, your perks.
That's where it's at, your perks.

Ready money.

It's where the real money is, innit?

The ones. Nelsons.

Your Nelson Eddies, my dear, your readies.

Cash in the pocket and no questions asked.

You can't tell me those Labourites can afford
to live up there the way they do,

hobnobbing with all your hoi polloi
on what they're supposed to be earning.

They ain't got nothing of their own.

They ain't got no private fortunes,
not like your real Tories have.

Look at them now. Look at them up there.

Bloody Labour and your SDP,

all living in £500,000 penthouses
in the Royal Borough of Wapping.

Wapping isn't a royal borough.

It soon will be when they've moved in,
won't it?

Oh, yeah, get rid of us,
condemn our houses, get us out,

and then build penthouses for themselves.

They didn't have no money to spare
to improve our housing when we lived there,

but they found the money
for themselves, didn't they?

And why? I'll tell you why.
Because it's near your parliament, that's why.

Just across the water, innit?

I suppose one of them looked
out the window and thought,

"Oh, that'll be a handy place to live,
Wapping, yeah.

"Get that lot out what's living there,
evict them, smarten the place up a bit.

"Oh, very adjacent that'll be. Very adjacent.
Won't even need a telephone, just shout.”

Well, you know how water carries.

"Anything doing over there today?”

"Nothing.”
"Right, I think I'll have a little lay-in."

Bloody politicians.

All right, everyone's got to earn a living,
I admit that.

They want to make a career in politics,
all right,

but don't go around like bloody saints
and make out they're doing it for our sakes.

They ballsed the world up for our sakes?

I lived in the Borough of Wapping,
man and boy, 68 years.

I've served under 14 prime ministers,

and I've been bloody poor
under every one of them!

- You shouldn't let it worry you.
- I don't let it worry me.

- You let everything worry you.
- I don't let no...

I don't let nothing worry me.

Well, let them play
their European Cup on their own.

Won't be a European Cup without us, will it?

It'll be a bloody wogs' cup.

Banning us out of Europe!

They didn't want us banned out of Europe
when Hitler was around, did they, eh? No.

It was all, "Hello, Tommy," and,
"Come over here to have a drink, Tommy,"

and, "Voulez-vous
avec moi ¢e soir, Tommy?"

And "Come and liberate us.”
Now, it's all "Piss off, Tommy," innit?

We should have left them to Hitler, mate.

He'd have given 'em hooligans.
He'd have given 'em bloody football.

I'll tell you something, if old Gorbachev starts,
your bloody Russians start,

it'll all be, "Come back, Tommy!
All is forgiven, Tommy."

But they're hooligans, man,
they're hooligans!

All right, string them up if you like.
I don't mind.

I've got nothing...
I don't hold with the hooligans, man.

I don't hold with hooligans,
but they are our hooligans, ain't they?

They're our bleeding hooligans, and we know
how to handle our own hooligans.

Don't need bleeding foreigners telling us
how to handle our hooligans, do we?

Mr Garnett, will you come over, please?

- Is that you, man?
- I can understand my own language, Jock.

Oh! Oh.

Oh, dear Lord. Ah...

Afternoon.

Giving me gyp, that is.

Er...no smoking,
if you don't mind, Mr Garnett.

Am I smoking it?

Can you see smoke coming out of it?

I'm not smoking it, my dear,
because there is nothing in it.

I don't get enough out of you lot
to smoke it, do I?

Your wife is incapacitated.

She can't walk. She's a cripple.

- Rheumatoid arthritis, I believe.
- So the quack says.

Mr Doggerel, your wife's consultant,

is a very distinguished specialist
in that particular disease, Mr Garnett.

So he says.

You don't think so?

I don't know if he is or ain't
any more than you, missus.

We have to take his word for that, don't we?

Only his mates and those that work with him
know how good or bad he is,

and they won't blab, will they?

Conspiracy of silence, innit?

All I know is, from what I've seen of him,
I'm not over the moon about him.

- He's a clever man.
- They're all clever men, ain't they, eh?

I mean, if they was half as clever
as they say they are, as they claim to be,

we'd all live forever, wouldn't we?

But we don't, do we?

AIL I know is this, missus,

when my wife first went to see Mr Doggerel,
she couldn't walk, could she?

And now, after pushing her up and down
to the hospital and back,

and wearing out three pairs of boots,
seeing your Mr Doggerel, she still can't walk,

and if things go on the way they are going,
pretty soon, I won't be able to walk, will I?

I'll finish up in a wheelchair with her.

Now, I am not a clever consultant, missus,

but I couldn't have done much worse than that,
could I?

Well, nobody's claiming Mr Doggerel or any
other consultant can work miracles.

I'm not coming here
looking for miracles, missus.

No one can do much for my wife's legs now.

They're a write-off. I accept that.

Whose fault it is,
I'm not prepared to argue.

I mean,
her legs will never be any good again,

not as legs, they won't.

I accept that. I know that.

They're too far gone.

But if you want to do something for her,
missus,

if you want to give her
a bit of quality of life,

look after my legs.

It's my legs she's got to rely upon now.

It's my legs she needs,

cos my legs are more use to her
than her own legs are, ain't they?

Use your noddle, missus. Save my legs.

That's what you've got to do, save my legs.

Give her a powered wheelchair,

something I don't have to push,
something that'll save my legs.

I'm sorry, Mr Garnett. I understand
your position, and I sympathise with it,

but unfortunately,
unfortunately for you, I hasten to add,

Mrs Garnett isn't incapacitated enough
to qualify for a powered chair.

- Why not?
- Because...

Because... Because she's got me, ain't she?

Her loving husband, her live-in relative.
Bloody muggins, that's all!

Listen, well,
I'm entitled after 65 years of slog

and paying thousands of pounds to you lot.

I didn't bargain on getting a job
harder than the one I retired from,

the one I was too old to do!

No!

I didn't bargain
on being turned into a bloody workhorse

tethered to a wheelchair
for the rest of my life!

You're treating me
like an unpaid social worker!

How would she be if she didn't have me?

- A lot happier, I should think.
- Shut up.

If Mrs Garnett didn't have you, she'd probably
qualify for a powered chair.

Yes, but because I live with her,

because she's mine and I love her,
I've got to push her, ain't I?

Well, it ain't bloody fair!
That's all I've got to say!

Look, if I left her in the lurch,

if I divorced her, if I lived in sin with her,

she'd get a powered wheelchair
out of you lot, wouldn't she?

It's not bloody right, is it?
It ain't fair! All right, I'll do it.

I'll divorce her.
I'll live in sin with her.

I'll write to the Archbishop of Canterbury
and I'll tell him,

"I've been forced to live in sin
with my own wife

"to get a wheelchair
out of the DH-bloody-SS!"

SS is right! Sieg he ill!

Sleg he ill!

- Morning.
- Morning.

- I like this.
- The 655 FS deluxe powered chair, sir.

65 special, eh?

Er...how does it go?

Direct drive, sir, via reduction gears
with no chain or belt.

Equipped with both electrical
and mechanical release

to allow freewheeling when required.

Top speed, 20mph,

adjustable from 0.57 to 12 degrees or 21%,

with 250lb load,
depending on road surface and conditions.

You mean you don't have to push it?

Push it? No, sir.
This is the Ferrari of wheelchairs.

- Save your legs, this, wouldn't it, eh?
- Save them?

If you had nothing wrong with your legs,
it would save them. What I mean is...

(Buzzer)

Oh! Hooter an" all.

You wouldn't have to be a cripple to get
the benefit out of one of these, would you?

I mean, I wouldn't mind
driving around one of these.

It would be a pleasure, that would.

- Has it got a top?
- Top?

Yeah, like, you know, a roof?

A cover to keep the rain off,
like one of them golf carts.

- It's not a golf cart.
- I can tell that. I can see that.

It would be handy if you played golf though,
wouldn't it?

- People who need these don't play golf.
- No.

Of course, I have been thinking
about taking up golf.

It's all that walking puts me off.

Do you mind if I have a trial run
round the block in this?

No. No, sir. Oh, no.

- You don't mind?
- No. We don't let them out, sir.

You should. A lot of shoppers would pay
a fortune to hire one of these for a day.

- Save their legs.
- If you're not going to buy it...

I didn't say I wasn't going to buy it, did I?

I wouldn't have come in here
if I wasn't going to buy it.

It's £2,500.

- Two thousand...
- Can you afford that? That's a lot of money.

Yeah. That is a lot of money, yeah.

But not for someone
who's just won the pools, eh?

Not a lot of money to a man who's just won
£200,000 on the football pools.

Not to a man whose wife is all crippled up
with rheumatoid arthritis

and who's just come into a fortune
and wants to buy his wife a present, eh?

You should have said, sir.

You'd like to take it
for a run round the block?

I'm sure that'll be all right.
A pleasure, sir. It's all yours.

I'm a little busy at the moment.
Put it aside for me.

- I'll be back.
- Certainly, sir.

I'm just off out to post my football pools.

If I win, I'll probably come back and buy that.

Ta-ra, sunshine.

(Rumbling)

Watch out!

- I'm not getting in that!
- Don't worry about the smoke.

- It's just warming up.
- I'm not sitting in it.

- Just get in and try it.
- I'm not getting in there!

- It'll save me pushing it, won't it?
- I'm not getting in it.

Blimey! I'll show you.
There's nothing to worry about.

- Just pull this over here like that.
- Be careful, Alf.

That's all right. There we go.

Where's the brake?

He didn't ask for a brake.

- Pity.
- Where's the brake?!

(Car horn)

(Car horn)

(Crashing)

It was that stupid old git!

(Alarm ringing)

Get the bloody door open!

Here. Winston brought you
these chocolates.

- Wasn't that nice?
- Mm-hm.

- You all right?
- Yeah.

I've got a little bit of pain, but I'm all right.

They'll be coming over to us in a moment,
all right?

Yeah. Here,
be on the BBC news in a minute.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

They say I'm a hero,
the way I foiled them bank robbers.

Hero, I am, they said, you know.

Well, I drove my wheelchair
right into them, didn't I?

- You were very brave.
- You don't think, at a time like that, do you?

Don't think, you know.

You just do what you've got to do,
you know what I mean? Yeah.

I mean, you just don't think about your own
personal safety in a situation like that.

You just, you know, get stuck in.

Well, I mean, if more people done that,
if more people got stuck in,

there'd be less muggers and terrorists,
I tell you.

Yes. You were very brave.

They reckon
that I'll get the George Medal cos of this.

Well, you ought to get the Victoria Cross.

Your George Medal
is your civilian Victoria Cross, Marigold.

- They don't know, you see.
- You're so brave.

- He's braver than he realises.
- Oh, well...

- Listen, bwana.
- What?

I don't want to frighten you, right,

but when our lame villains see you
on the television

and realise that you is the one
who caused them all that aggro,

spoiled their little earner, put three
of their mates away inside a prison,

well, them is going to want to fix you, innit?

I mean, them is hard men, you know.

They don't like people give them aggro,

and them use shooters too.

Them will want to blow you away.

Them will want to waste you.

So, listen, before you go on the television,

you just make sure you make
some nice little provisions for Mummy here.

Take out some insurance or something,
cos she's going to be all on her own.

She is going to be a widow.

I'll be all right.

I'll get my powered chair once he's gone.

- Listen...
- What?

Did you see The Godfather?

That film with Marlon Brando,
where the Mob is after him,

and he's lying in bed, like what you are,

and his son, Al Pacino,
smuggles him into another ward,

because the villains are creeping
up the stairs to come and waste him.

Like what they're going to do to you.

Woo-woo-woo-woo!

Has this bed got wheels on it?

Well, we will move you.

We are going to hide you.

He's gone all white.

This afternoon in the East End of London,

a daring armed bank raid was foiled
by a brave man in a wheelchair.

That man, Mr Alfred...

A Mr X!

X!

# When we got married,
I took the marriage vows

# In sickness and in health, I said I do

# For richer or poorer, till death us do part

# And you said
that you'll hon our and obey me, too

# But it wasn't very long
before I soon found out

# The one who wore the trousers was you

# Now, after all these years
at last I'm pushing you about

# But in sickness and in health, I love you

# In sickness and in health, I said I do #