In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript

# When we got married,
I took them marriage vows

# In sickness and in health, I said I do

# For richer or poorer, till death us do part

# And you said
that you'll hon our and obey me, too

# But it wasn't very long
before I soon found out

# The one who wore the trousers was you

# Now, after all these years at last
I'm pushing you about

# But in sickness and in health, I love you

# In sickness and in health, I said, I do #

- Would you mind if I used that phone?
- I'm using it.

- You're not speaking on it.
- There's nobody on the other end, is there?



You stupid great, fat, bleeding cow.

I'm waiting for a phone call
from my daughter, if you must know.

That phone is for making calls,
not receiving them.

That phone is for receiving calls too
if somebody rings you.

There's no law against that, missus.

- Nobody's rung you on it.
- My daughter's going to, four o'clock.

- It's half past four now.
- I know the time.

(Phone rings)

My call if you'll excuse me.

Hello? Hello? Rita?

Eh?

No, I am not going across the road
and tell her her sister is ill.

What do you think I am,
a bloody messenger boy? No!

Bloody cheek!
They use this phone like it's their own.



- Who was it?
- I don't know, do I?

Somebody called Fred.

Expects me to go across the road
and tell somebody their sister is ill.

- I'd have gone.
- Of course you would. That's not the point.

While you're going over
and fetching her here, and talking to him,

I could have lost my party,
cos that phone's been engaged.

(Phone rings)

That's my call now! Hello? Rita?

Oh, God, it's you again!
Will you get off this bloody phone?

No, I am not going across the road!

(Phone rings)

Will you shove off?!

Oh, God! That was Rita, my daughter!
Now see what you've made me do!

Rita! Rita!

Oh, blimey, she's gone!

She's gone!

- Can I use it now, if you've finished?
- I ain't finished.

She'll ring back. She's got to ring back.

(Phone rings)

Hello! Rita? What time do you call this?
Half hour ago you were supposed to ring.

I've been waiting.
Can't he get his own bloody tea?

Who's shouting? I'm not shouting!

If I was shouting, I've got good reason to.

Now, you listen... You lis... You listen to me.

This is your father.
This is your father speaking.

I'm not shouting!

I've got good reason to shout,
but I wasn't shouting!

Now, shut up and listen!

I've been standing in this phone box
half hour, ain't I?

I shouldn't have to stand around
in phone boxes, man of my age.

I could catch my death!
I could catch pneumonia.

Then who'd look after your mother?

Yes, well. Say you're sorry.

I don't have to say I'm sorry.
I've got nothing to be sorry about.

You say you're sorry. No!

You say you're... I'm not saying I'm sorry.

You say you're sorry!
I am not bloody shouting!

Will you... Don't you dare hang up on me.

Rita! Don't you...

Don't you dare! I haven't finished!

Are you... Rita!

Bloody kids.

- Pig.
- Don't you start on me!

Do you want to wake up yet?

Do you want to stay asleep?

Or do you want to wake up?

Else? Hoo-oo!

Else!

Do you want to wake up yet?

No?

Do you want to stay asleep?

Eh?

Asleep.

She's asleep.

I'll let you sleep!

(Knocking)

Who's that now?

- Oh, it's you.
- Yeah, it's me.

- I'm not talking to you.
- Don't talk to me, then.

You hung that phone up on me.

I didn't have any more money to put in.
It was cut off.

Four o'clock you were supposed to ring me.
Half past four, you did, then you hung up.

- I didn't hang up!
- Half hour I waited in that phone box.

I was phoning from Liverpool.
It is a lot of money.

I didn't have any more money to put in.
We was cut off.

- I ain't talking to you.
- Oh, well, don't talk to me, then.

Before you stop talking to me,
ask me in at least.

I've come all the way from Liverpool
to see you and Mum.

- Not me, you ain't.
- Right, I ain't come to see you.

- You wouldn't put yourself out for me.
- You're like a big baby.

Why do you think I came all the way
from Liverpool if it wasn't to see you?

- Well, why'd you hang up on me, then?
- I didn't! Oh, don't start all that again.

Can I come in?

Are you going to ask me in?
Have I got to stand out here?

You don't have to ask to come in.
This is your home, isn't it?

I've never shut my door to you, my dear.

And I've never
hung my phone up on you neither!

- I'm sorry.
- Yeah. So you should be.

Well, all right, if you are sorry...

- I am.
- Well, don't just stand there.

I was going to meet you off the train,
wasn't I?

But you never told me the time. No,
you're busy shouting and hanging up on me.

- Oh, let's forget it!
- All right, forget it.

I could have gone up to that Euston and waited
on every train for you.

It's a good job you didn't.
I came on the coach.

- I promised myself I'm not talking to you.
- I wish you'd keep your promise.

- Eh?
- Never mind.

When are you going back?

Give us a chance to get my coat off.

- Where's Mum?
- Having a sleep. It's all she does nowadays.

- How is she?
- Hanging on.

She might as well be asleep all the time
for all the comfort she is when she's awake.

I do my best. I push her around.

There's nothing to do, nowhere
to push her to, nowhere to push her from.

She don't want to do nothing.
All she wants to do is sit, just sit.

- It's all she can do, innit?
- She could try.

- Try what?
- I don't know, do I?

- It's not easy for me, is it?
- It's not easy for her either.

She's senile, ain't she?

She's not senile! She's old, that's all.

What is old? It's bloody senile, innit?

- You're old.
- I'm not as old as she is!

- You're one year younger.
- Two! Two!

All right, two.

I've still got all my marbles.

- So's she.
- Oh, yeah? You don't have to live with her.

Cor, blimey! It's my own fault.

I should have married someone younger,
someone a lot younger than myself,

someone who could have lasted me out,
someone who could have looked after me.

Oh, shh, Dad. Give over.

Give over? She can't hear
when she's sitting next to you.

She was the clever one.

She didn't marry
someone older than herself, did she?

No. She had her head screwed on then.
I was the muggins.

I was the one who rushed in, wasn't I,
without weighing up the pros and cons.

I was the fool,
head stuffed with love and romance.

- Love and romance? You?!
- All that bloody rubbish.

Didn't consider I might be better off marrying
someone younger than myself.

Will you get out of my chair?

- You're so selfish.
- Selfish? Me?!

Oh, yes, yes.
I should expect that, I suppose.

Shouldn't expect gratitude.

Sacrifice yourself for others, yes,
but don't expect gratitude.

- Sacrifice? You?
- Yes, sacrifice, me!

- What have you ever sacrificed?
- Look...

(Both) As he is my witness, I've worked
my fingers to the bone providing for you!

- And 'er!
- 'Er?

Yes, 'er. "Er and you and you, too.

45 years you've been married to Mum
and that's how you refer to her still, 'er?

Look, who is it looks after 'er, eh?

- It's me. Me.
- 'Er is your wife!

And you are 'er daughter!

- I do what I can.
- Everybody does what they can.

It ain't bloody much, is it?

I'm the one who has to look after her,

tend to her every need,
but I'm the selfish one, oh, yes.

- Oh, I'm sorry, Dad.
- Yeah.

- You do your best. I know that.
- Yeah.

I don't know what she'd do without you.
I really don't.

I mean,
you are a good husband in your way.

In what way?

Well, you do your best.

- It ain't easy.
- I know it's not.

I mean, there's some I know.

- Some men, they wouldn't do it.
- No.

They'd have her put in a home.
They'd stick her away.

I wouldn't! Not me. I think the world of Mum.
You know that.

It's just that sometimes,
you have to be cruel to be kind.

- What?
- It could be more cruel to, like...

You know, denying her something better,

somewhere where...
where she'd be better looked after,

cos I mean, you know, I'm old,

and, you know, maybe it could be more cruel,
like, keeping her here.

I mean, I'd miss her, but...

- You're thinking of putting her in a home?
- No! Not while I've got breath in my body!

I'll push that wheelchair till I drop dead
before I let them take Mummy away.

- It's just that sometimes...
- No!

Over my dead body.

I'll make a fresh pot.

(Rita) Oh, dear.

Is your Michael working yet, Rita?

No, but he's had a promise of a job, though.

Oh, yeah?
Still getting promises of work, is he?

Always getting promises of work
when he lived down here, wasn't he?

There's a lot of unemployment
in Liverpool, Dad.

I know.
That's why he went back up there, wasn't it?

- You're not funny.
- I'm not trying to be funny, dear.

You're the one making the jokes.

Promise of a job?
He doesn't want to work. He never did!

Work is foreign to his nature, isn't it?

He was unemployable
when there was full employment, that one.

Blimey, he was one of the leaders
of your unemployed, he was.

- One of those helped make it popular, him.
- Shut up.

Couldn't wait to get back up to Liverpool,
and to the security of full unemployment.

Cor blimey! Bloody proletarian paradise
up there, innit, eh?

Waited on hand and foot,
your unemployed, ain't they?

Put them in five-star hotels, I hear,

and if the room service ain't up to scratch,
they move them on somewhere better.

I haven't come all the way from Liverpool
to hear you go on.

Ignore him.

- Michael's mum any better?
- No, worse.

- They've found out what it is though.
- Oh?

- Senile dementia.
- Oh.

- Got senile dementia, has she?
- Yeah.

Not surprised.

Irish, ain't she?

What's being Irish got to do with it?

Senile dementia is failing of the brain,
my dear.

That's what being Irish has got to do with it.

What?!

Anything to do with weakening of the brain
and your Irish is prone to it, ain't they?

Your Irish ain't got
much of a brain to start with, have they?

Not in the first place.

I mean, your Irish is not known...
not noted for their brains, are they?

They're more noted for their ignorance
than their brains.

- You don't change, do you?
- It stands to reason.

If your brain is weak to start with,
I mean, if your brain...

If your brain is a small, delicate,
puny little thing,

ailing from the moment you was born,
with hardly a glimmer of life in it,

well, I mean, what can you expect?

The least little bit of normal wear and tear,
and boo-boom!

Gonna pack up on you, innit?

Same with all your Celts, innit?

It's like an old banger
compared to a Rolls-Royce, innit?

- What is?
- Them and us.

You see, your Celt is old, primitive strain,
isn't he, eh?

- You what?
- He's not as highly-evolved as what we are.

- Stupid.
- Endangered species, almost, isn't he?

Like the golden eagle.

Might even have become extinct if it wasn't
for us, the English, protecting them

and allowing them rights and things.

- Do you know what you are?
- Afternoon, bwana.

Ladies.

Who's that?

Marigold.

Winston, our home help.

(Giggles)

Oh! Ha-ha!

You must be pleased!

You've always wanted a little black boy
to fetch and carry for you.

He's a bloody poofter, he is!

- Shut up! He'll hear you!
- He knows what he is!

Sacrilege it is, giving a great man's name
to a bloody gay, black Sambo poofter!

- I see you left the breakfast things for me.
- That's your job, innit?

It's what the council pays you for.
They don't pay me.

You should be pleased. Washing up
is woman's work, isn't it, Marigold?

Thank you, bwana.

He's so chauvinistic.

- You must be Rita.
- Yeah. This is my daughter.

Well, you take after your mother.
I can see that.

I can't see nothing of your father in you,
which is fortunate for you.

Mind you, only your lovely, gorgeous mother
knows the real truth, eh?

But if she says it was him, we're just going
to have to take her word for it, but how he...

Shut up!

But how he could have anything to do
with the creation

of something as lovely
and as beautiful as you, I'll never know.

You see, I'm a romantic.
I prefer to think that he was cuckolded.

Naughty.
Who was the handsome milkman?

Still, it's his own fault.
I've got no sympathy for him.

Beauty should never marry the beast.
It's tempting fate.

- Get on with your bloody work!
- Why, yessum, boss.

- I's a-workin'. I's a-workin".
- Get off me!

# Dark people work on the Mississippi

# Dark people work
while the white man play #

- Look...
- Look! No, you look!

I've no time for Margaret Thatcher,

but if you start going on about her
just cos she's a woman...

- Nothing to do with her being a woman.
- She might be a rotten prime minister...

- I'm not starting on her cos she's a woman.
- ..but she's better than any man!

- I wouldn't say that, dear.
- Shut up, you!

She is the leader of a spiv government.

She shuffles her pack
faster than any card sharp, she does.

There's all this flogging off
anything decent we've got.

Anything that makes money,
she sells it to her friends.

It's like Petticoat Lane
up there in the Houses of Parliament.

They're getting back what it cost them
to get her in, don't you worry.

Blimey, they're all spivs.

Not one Eton boy in the cabinet
because they won't serve under her,

and you can't expect it.

A decent-brought-up Eton boy,
he ain't gonna serve under a grocer's daughter,

a jumped-up nobody from Grantham.

A woman whose father was delivering groceries
to their back door?

Oh, blimey, they can see through her.
They know her sort, don't you worry.

Probably lived among spivs all her life.

Brought up in the black market
during the war probably,

with a father who's a corner shop keeper,
and we all know about corner shop keepers.

All of them bloody crooks, ain't they?

Rob you blind, they would.
I mean, look at them during the war.

They always had
something under the counter,

for anyone who had
a few bob over the odds to spend.

Oh, strewth! Half their trade
was under the counter in them days.

Same as bloody Maggie Thatcher!

She's flogging off half the country,
isn't she, under the counter!

You wasn't above stealing things
out of the docks when you was there.

Docker's perks, my dear. Docker's perks.

Anything I brought out of the docks
was in lieu of wages.

It wasn't stealing. It was expected of you.
A blind eye was turned to it.

- But it wasn't honest.
- It wasn't stealing, was it?

- Well, it looked very much like it.
- You'd have had your collar felt.

Shut up, you!

Look, all right, I may not be perfect...

and I might have my faults.

Well, none of us are saints, are we?

I tell you one thing,
I wouldn't have the bloody cheek

to set myself up as the prime minister
and leader of the Tory Party

coming from a background like she does.

Cor, strewth, she's ruined the Tory Party,
she has, her and people like her.

I mean, all the decent men
have run away from it.

They won't even stay in the Tory Party.

How do you think Her Majesty the Queen feels,
having to mix with her,

and invite her home to Buckingham Palace?

Somebody with her ways,
a bloody grocer's daughter?

Yeah, well, I bet she don't drink her tea
out of a saucer like you do.

- Look...
- Mind. Move your foot.

Go away!

How come
all the dirt seems to gather where you sit?

He drops crumbs all over the floor.
He's like a child.

The trouble with you is
you've not been properly house-trained.

(Giggles)

Even Harrods has to knock
on her back door.

That's right, and Harrods ain't a corner shop

and they don't get invited up
for tea with the Queen.

- Not fair, is it?
- What?

Well, she should have to go
down all them stairs.

- Harrods is on a corner.
- Bloody big corner though, innit?

- Marks and Spencer.
- That's right, and they're millionaires.

Yeah. Here,
Prince Charles married a Spencer.

Diana, she's a Spencer.

That's a different sort of Spencer.
That's the Earl of Spencer, wasn't it?

Diana's father is Earl.

And Lord Sainsbury, he sold groceries.

And Earl Grey, he sold tea.

So he might. It was decent tea, wasn't it?

Not like your Brooke Bond.
That's only fit for monkeys, that is.

I went past Buckingham Palace
the other day, and it looked dirty to me.

Innit marvellous?
They come out of their mud huts.

They've only been here a few weeks,

hardly out of the bloody trees, some of 'em,
and already, they're criticising Her Majesty.

I bet her house is a bloody sight cleaner
than yours is, Sambo.

- Dad!
- It makes you mad!

I mean, you welcome them over here,
you show them hospitality,

you extend the hand of friendship to them,
you give them jobs on buses and trains.

Let us empty your bed pans in
your hospitals and we are all so grateful.

Show a bit of gratitude, then! You're not worth
the money the council pays you!

- This place is like a tip!
- I know. If only you weren't so scruffy.

You only got this job
cos you're ethnic minority.

I only got this job
because nobody else would do it.

You're bloody lucky to be working, you are.

If it wasn't for people like her,
lame and infirm...

- I'm not lame!
- ..providing you with work.

You're lucky. You're in a new industry,
ain't you, eh, health and welfare services?

Don't do that to me!

Health and welfare, innit?
A new growth industry.

Patients don't get nothing out,
but you're doing all right, ain't you?

The more illness,
the more sickness there is,

the more the doctors can't cure,
the more customers you get, don't you?

The worse off we are, the better off you are!

(Shrieks)

- You enjoyed that, Dad, eh?
- Shut up! Shut up, all of you!

I don't know how you put up with him
all these years. I couldn't do it.

Shut up!

I've lost my thread now, ain't I?

- I don't know what I was talking about.
- That's nothing new.

You was talking about how much
you admire Margaret Thatcher.

- The head monitor.
- Not admired. Not admired.

There's nothing to admire about her, is there?

It's that bloody soppy grammar-school twit
Ted Heath that let her in.

- I like Ted Heath.
- You would!

Get off!
No, see, what I was saying, see...

Before Margaret Thatcher,
always before her,

your Tory prime minister,
he come from a good family, didn't he?

Someone of your Queen's own class,

someone of your Queen's own circle.

Someone she can mix with
and feel at ease with,

someone who went to Eton and Harrow,

someone who was brought up
to be prime minister,

same as she was brought up to be Queen,
someone born to rule,

someone with their own money,
someone with their own fortune,

someone with enough money
so they don't have to fiddle.

They don't have to rob the rest of us.
Someone who can afford to be honest!

Someone who's born to money
and who knows a bit about spending it,

someone like...Harold Macmillan.

- Supermac!
- Yes, Supermac!

He come out of retirement
to try and put her right.

He stood up in the House of Lords.
He tried to tell Thatcher.

He said, "Look, if you ain't got the money,
bloody well borrow it," he said.

- Join a loan club.
- Yes, in a manner of speaking.

Simple economics. If you ain't got it,
do what the Americans do, borrow it.

- See a tally man.
- Yes, in a manner of speaking.

Look, in 1939, see,
when we wanted to have that war with Hitler,

I mean, Churchill didn't say,

"We can't have that war with Hitler
cos we can't afford it," did he?

- No.
- No.

He didn't say, "We can't have this war
with Hitler till we've saved up for it," did he?

No. What he done, what Churchill done...

He put it on a slate, like what they used to
in her father's shop.

Yes, in a manner of speaking, we did.

We had that war with Hitler
on the never-never.

Nobody has cash wars nowadays.
Nobody can afford that, can they?

Of course they can't, unless they're cheap,
six-day wars like your Jews have.

They could have that. Never mind laughing.

They could have that cos they
was only fighting Arabs, wasn't they?

I'll tell you something,
by the time they got their discount for cash

and flogged the TV rights,
I bet they made a small fortune out of that.

- Sold the TV rights?
- Of course they sold the TV rights!

They're shrewd.
They're clever businessmen, them Jews.

Once they see how much Muhammad Ali
got out of all his TV fights,

and how much your FA make
out of selling football to your TV,

it stands to reason, my dear, never mind
bloody laughing. It stands to reason.

You've got a nice little war,
six days of blood and thunder action,

with a nice result at the end of it,

well, of course you're going to make sure
you've got your TV rights.

I mean, who do you think's got the rights
to the Falklands War?

- Your Jews?
- No! Never mind laughing. Not your Jews.

Us, I hope, and why do you think it was that
the Americans saw that war before we did?

Cos they were shown it first.

No, because they paid more
for the first showing, that's why.

That's what this country needs, my dear,
is a few Jews in the government.

We've got a few Jews in the government.

I'm not talking about schmucks.

I'm talking about clever Jews,
not that cartoon Leon Brittan.

Cor, blimey! Looks like
Maury the fishmonger, that one does.

Clever Jews, I'm talking about.

Jews like your Lord Grade, your Weinstein,
your Lord Sir Bernard Delafonte

and Charlie Forte.

- Charlie Forte's not a Jew!
- Well, he looks like a bloody Jew!

He knows how to make money.

Let them have a go at running the country
before it's too late,

or better still,
let some of your Pakistanis have a go.

Get a few Patels into the government.

Let them have a go making a few bob for us.

I bet they're running Margaret Thatcher's
father's corner shop better than he did,

or...or your Japanese!

Yeah, let's hire a Japanese government
to run things for us,

just till we get on our feet.

(Honking)

- What's all that?
- All what?

All of that.

- Table cloth?
- No, all the flowers, candle, everything.

- What's all that for?
- I think they make the table more attractive.

Look a bloody sight more attractive
if it had a decent meal on it.

Well, it will have. I'm going home tomorrow,
so Winston's throwing a farewell dinner.

He's not cooking one of them curries, is he?

Jamaican soul food.
He's here now with a friend. His live-in lover.

- All the policemen wind up at our...
- I'm going up the pub.

No, bwana, you can't go up the pub.

I've bought you a present.

There you are.

Lord Kitchener. Your country needs you.

Well, your country don't need you,
you bloody layabout poofter.

- He's so butch. I love older men.
- Mm-hm.

- I'm going down the pub!
- No, bwana.

Look.

Coon juice.

Black Jamaican rum,
fire water for the natives, all for you.

- What can be better than that, eh?
- Two bottles?

Wicked, man!

(Winston) Hello, darling. You all right?

Hello, darling. How's he been?

Never mind.

I bring something else for you two.
Don't worry.

- Hey, I thought you was going up the pub?
- Yeah, well, it's Rita's farewell party, innit?

I mean...

Cor, blimey! Phwoo!

It's jungle juice, all right, that, innit, eh?

No, I mean, I don't want to walk out
on her farewell party.

I mean, that would be...that would be
er...churlish, wouldn't it, eh,

going to the pub
in the middle of her farewell party?

No, no.

Christ! No, I mean...

I don't want to upset her, eh, my little girl.

- I won't be upset.
- Mmm. No, it's all right. I don't mind staying.

All right...

I didn't... I didn't know
we was going to have a party.

Hey, here you are... Hey-hey-hey!

Here, I think she fancies me in this.

- Sanders of the River.
- Yes. Hai-yo-ko! Hai-yo-ko!

- Hai-yo-ko!
- Hai-yo-ko! Hai-yo-ko!

And Hai-yo cocoa to you an' all, darling.

Girls, I give you a toast.

The Great British Raj.

# When we got married,
I took the marriage vows

# In sickness and in health, I said, I do

# For richer or poorer, till death us do part

# And you said
that you'll hon our and obey me, too

# But it wasn't very long
before I soon found out

# The one who wore the trousers was you

# Now, after all these years
at last I'm pushing you about

# But in sickness and in health, I love you

# In sickness and in health, I said I do #