In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 1, Episode 4 - In Sickness and in Health - full transcript
Alf tries the patience of good natured Fred Johnson and his wife from next door by using their phone to make a very long-winded long distance call to Rita. After expounding upon funerals in the pub Alf repays Fred by buying him so many drinks he falls over but Alf's homeward progress pushing Else in her wheelchair also ends in drunken calamity.
# When we got married,
I took the marriage vows
# In sickness and in health, I said I do
# For richer or poorer, till death us do part
# And you said
that you'd hon our and obey me, too
# But it wasn't very long
before I soon found out
# The one who wore the trousers was you
# Now after all these years,
at last I'm pushing you about
# But in sickness and in health, I love you
# In sickness and in health, I said, I do #
Does make me look younger, though.
Take it off. That belongs to Rita.
I always thought hair would suit me.
When I look back, and I remember back,
it did suit me.
Does suit me.
If you remember when I had hair.
No, I can't. My memory's not that good,
I'm afraid.
When I first met you, I had hair. Lots of it.
- So you say.
- I did, I did.
Very black, it was.
Very black and very shiny.
It was greasy.
You used to think
I looked a bit like Clark Gable in them days.
I never did.
Clark Gable was a handsome man.
I didn't say a lot like him, did I?
I said a bit like him.
(As Rhett Butler) It's bigger than the both of us.
I don't give a damn.
Here...
...look at that, with the glasses. John Lennon.
# She loves you, yeah...
Anyway, people did say that I looked
a bit like Clark Gable in them days,
when I was younger.
People used to say a lot of things about you
when you was younger.
If I'd had any sense,
I'd have listened to them.
I look a lot younger with one of these.
I look ten, twenty years younger with this.
You'll crack that mirror in a minute
and we'll have bad luck.
I could dye the moustache, I suppose.
Looks like it's dead already.
No, it's a giveaway, that is.
A dead giveaway to my age, that is.
No, I'd look a lot younger man
if I had one of these.
I'm worried about Rita.
I wouldn't have girls giving up their seats
on buses for me if I had one of these.
She wrote to say she was coming down
to see us and I haven't heard since.
- Well, phone her.
- She's not on the phone.
Phone that aunt of his.
She only lives round the corner.
- She's always saying she"ll take messages.
- In emergency.
Well, it is an emergency.
Where are you going?
I am going over the road.
They said we could use their phone.
- In emergency.
- So what's emergency?
You'd let me go out looking like that,
wouldn't you?
- What happened to Clark Gable?
- Oh, sod off.
It's Mr Garnett, dear.
He wants to use the telephone.
- Yeah. Don't mind, do you?
- Is it the doctor you want?
Is Mrs Garnett poorly?
No, no, no, I just want to phone my daughter,
Rita, up in Liverpool.
- Liverpool?
- Yes.
Well, the missus said you wouldn't mind.
You don't mind, do you?
Course you don't. I knew you wouldn't mind.
No, the missus said you wouldn't mind.
She said, "They're very nice people,
them Johnsons. They won't mind."
"Very neighbourly, they are,” she said.
Not like some people round here.
- Did he say Liverpool?
- I did say if it was an emergency.
He's phoning Liverpool.
Marvellous, these, ain't they?
Get through to anywhere now, can't you?
Don't have to go through the operator.
Just dial straight through. Marvellous.
There you are, brrrp brrrp!
Liverpool, brrp brrp brrp!
# She loves you, yeah, yeah...
Come on, come on, answer.
They're marvellous.
I mean, that's over 250 miles away, that is.
That'd take you over four hours in a train.
With this, straight through, boo-boom.
Unless you've got someone
who's deaf on the other end. Come on!
That's his aunt, that is.
If she's anything like him, she's thick.
They're all bloody thick up there in Liverpool,
ain't they?
It's the Irish, see.
They've got all this Irish blood in 'em.
Come on, come on!
Probably searching all over the house
for the phone.
Probably forgotten where she's put it, eh?
Oh, hello? Oh, yes, erm... Who's this?
Oh, yeah. it's Mr Garnett here, Rita's dad.
Can I talk to Miss Thompson?
Your mum? Erm... Yeah, all right.
Yeah, well, go and fetch her.
All right, sonny, I'll talk to your mum.
Here, there's a turn-up for the book, innit?
She ain't supposed to have children.
She's supposed to be a spinster. Maiden aunt.
Catholic, too.
If her priest finds out, she'll be
on her knees the rest of her life, she will.
Oh, hello.
I want to talk to Rita Rawlins, please.
Rita Raw... Your nephew's wife.
Yeah, I know she don't live there.
- (TV: male voice)
- Erm... Can you...
No, she... Turn it down!
I know, I know. She lives round the corner.
Turn it down!
No, not you. I'm asking them.
I'm... I'm asking them to turn the telly down.
No, I know you ain't got the telly on.
It's here, the bloody telly's here!
I've told you who I want to talk to.
Rita, Rita Rawlins, your nephew's wife.
I know she don't live there. She lives
round the corner with her husband, don't she?
Stupid Scou...
I told you they was thick up there.
Thick as two boards, they are.
When they brought in decimalisation
in Liverpool,
they had to raise
the school leaving age to 35.
No, I have not got the wrong...
I have not got the wrong number.
No, I haven't.
It's the right number. I've got it written...
Liverpool 2550.
That's not the wrong... It's the right number.
I've got it written down in front of me.
- If you dialled it wrong...
- Ssh! What?
No, I didn't dial it wrong, did I? I dialled it...
I know what I dialled. I dialled 051,
that is the code for Liverpool, right?
I'm calling from London, ain't I?
I dialled 0512550.
You're what?
You're 25607
Oh, no, you're not.
You can't be. You're... Look, I know what I...
I know what I...
Well, then, you've got the wrong number,
ain't you?
You are the wrong number.
Look, I know what I dialled...
I dialled 25... Why would I dial 2560
if I don't want 25607
I know what I bloody dialled!
Well, there's something wrong
with your phone, then.
I should get it reported if I were...
It's not my fault, is it, if you was in bed?
Well, I can't see your house, can I?
How did I know you was in bed?
I didn't want to talk to you in the first place.
Anyway, you go to bed early, don't you?
It's only eight o'clock.
Well, I didn't know you was ill, did I?
You don't sound ill to me.
Stupid Scouse git!
Wrong number, she says. Wrong number. Look.
I've got the bloody thing written down here.
She meant you dialled it wrong.
Now, come on, missus. Now, missus, really.
I mean, I know how to dial a number, don't I?
I wouldn't do that, would I, dial it wrong?
Here, Fred, you'd better come
and check up on me. Dial it wrong!
Make sure I put me finger in the right hole.
0512...
Dial it wrong, blimey! I didn't go to university,
I can dial a phone, can't I?
Hello. Oh, Miss Thompson?
All right, Ms.
Look, I want to talk to Rita. Rita Rawlins.
Yeah, it's her dad, Mr Garnett.
Yeah, but I mean, can you nip round there?
Well, it won't take you a minute, will it?
It's about her mum.
Yeah. Well.. take an umbrella.
Well, ain't you got a raincoat?
Where've you been living all summer, then?
Thank you.
She's going round to fetch her.
Wrong number! It's the right number, innit, eh?
Relations, I don't know!
They're supposed to be relations, well, in-laws.
Moaning cos it's raining
and I asked her to pop round the corner.
You can turn the telly up now, if you like.
Oh, no, no, it's Des O'Connor.
Turn it over the other side.
Oh, I like this. Hey hey hey!
That's a nice fruit bowl.
Them apples look very nice.
Would you... Would you like an apple?
I'd sooner have a banana.
- Take one.
- Erm... Them apples do look very nice, though.
There you are.
Here, that is a big box of chocolates, innit?
- Mr Garnett?
- Oh, thanks very much.
Oh, they look lovely. Hold the map up.
Make sure we get the right one.
Now, the one with the squiggle,
that's the coffee creme. I like them.
Right.
Wrong.
- What's that one? I can't see...
- Excuse me, will she be long?
What? Blimey, that's a liqueur.
I hate them, that's all like liquidy. Who?
- I said, will she be long?
- Who?
Oh, that. I forgot all about her.
No, no, no, shouldn't think so.
It's only a couple of streets away.
That's Liverpool, you know, that is.
That costs a lot of money.
Not any more, it don't. No, no.
"Phone a friend, make someone happy.”
I used to like that advert on telly.
What was it? Buzby.
And what's her name? That Irene,
used to take off all them funny voices.
- Handel.
- No.
No. "Write a letter, don't make a phone call.”
No, it's the other way round, innit?
"Don't write a letter, make a phone call.”
Well, cos it costs a lot cheaper now, don't it?
Don't have to get through the operator,
you see.
- Anyway, operators are no bloody use.
- Dad?
You're right. There's someone talking on there.
Trying to get through to us.
Hello? Rita!
Yeah, it's your dad.
Mum? No, she's all right. Right as rain.
Yeah. Got wet, did you?
No, it's not raining here.
First time in months.
Hold on, darling. I'll go and get her for you.
Hold on.
I'll, er... I'll just go and get the missus.
It's my daughter. Rita.
Well, talk to her, if you like.
I won't be a jiff.
- Where's he gone?
- He's gone to fetch his wife.
- That phone's connected up to Liverpool.
- Ssh! She might hear you.
- Is he paying for this call?
- I don't know. Ask him.
- I'm going to put it back.
- Dad?
- Yeah, I'm going to put it back.
- No, don't.
- She's saying something.
- Well, answer it, then.
No, you answer it. Go on, answer it!
Hello? Rita?
- Oh, no, that's all right.
- It's not all right. Tell her it's not all right.
- You tell her.
- No, tell her it's not all right.
- What? Oh, no, of course we don't mind.
- We do mind! Tell her we do mind!
- You tell her we mind.
- Tell her I mind.
Tell her I mind so much
I'm banging my head against the wall.
- No, no, any time.
- Not any time. Never!
- Never. No time.
- Ssh! They're coming.
(Alf) Whoa! Blimey, that's took all the paint
off our front door an' all!
- I'm sorry about this.
- That's all right. We don't mind.
- Dad?
- Well, talk, then.
- How long can I speak for?
- It's all right, Fred don't mind.
Do you, Fred? Here, Fred,
I'd, er... I'd like to repay you for this,
you know.
Buy you a drink or something, you know?
Only, I don't like to offer you money,
you know,
cos some people take that as an insult,
you know what I mean?
I think... I think a good neighbour
should be appreciated. You know what I mean?
And not took advantage of.
Look at her, enjoying herself there.
Talking away. Lovely, innit?
It's nice to see, that is.
Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit!
Very nice of you.
No, she's all right. She could be worse, eh?
- She's got stamina.
- She'd have to have.
That's what she's got.
There!
Good constitution. See, that...
In the long run, that is better than beauty,
any old day of the week.
Listen, she's cost me money.
You know that?
She has. I'm out of pocket over her.
I mean, if she'd have gone
the same time as her sister Maud went, well...
I'd have been a winner,
with the insurance that I've got on her, see?
I'd have been laughing.
Well, not laughing, you know.
No, no. Sad.
But I mean, that is the gamble you take, innit?
I have paid out more on her now
than I'll ever get back.
But...
I've got her, ain't I?
I've got my little darling, see?
Mind you, I wish I'd had a few bob
on that sister of hers, that bloody Maud.
I couldn't bloody stand her!
Cow, she was.
Well, I mean,
I get on with most people, don't I?
Yes, I bloody do!
We had nothing in common,
me and her sister Maud.
I tell a lie. We had one thing in common.
I hated her and she hated me.
She hated you much more than you hated her.
With cause.
No one hated her
as much as her husband Wally hated her.
- I knew her sister. Went to school with her.
- Really?
Show you her knickers
for a bite of your toffee apple, she would.
Her funeral, I don't think I've ever sat through
anything what give me more pleasure.
I don't know who was the happiest man there,
me or her husband. Well, it was her husband.
Do you know what he done,
her old man, old Wally?
He bought her the biggest bloody tombstone
you ever seen. Must have weighed a ton.
He said to me afterwards,
"Alf, do you know why I've bought her that?"
- Keep her down.
- Right. Right.
"Because comes the day of judgment,”
he says, "comes the day of reckoning,
"I hope it's going to take her months,
bloody years, to shift that thing.
"Buying time, that's what I'm doing, Alf.
Buying time.
"I'll have a little while up there in eternity
without her up there to bloody well ruin it."
"Cos I'll tell you something, Alf,”
he said, and he had tears in his eyes,
"Alf," he said, "heaven is all most of us
poor people's got to hope for.
"But if she do succeed
in shifting that heavy piece of granite,
"that expensive piece of masonry what I have
weighted her down with, and gets up to heaven,
"it won't be heaven no more.
"She'll ruin it, same as she's ruined
our two-up, two-down outside toilet,
"pissing all over the lavatory seat.”
"I'm sure God's going to put up with that.
"I mean, he may be a Christian, Alf,
"but if he's got any kind of class at all, he ain't
going to put up with bloody Maud up there.
"And I'll tell you something else, Alf,
if he's prepared to put up with her, I ain't!
"I'm sodding off down the other place.”
I wish you would.
- Get that down you.
- Ta.
The best funeral we had down our street
was when old Mrs Fairclough
at number 13 went.
Well, she couldn't grumble.
She had a good run.
- 95,
- Yeah, she was.
Had her share of the old age pension
before she went.
She did.
It's an amazing coincidence,
I see her down the cemetery
just a month before she went herself.
- Burying her eldest daughter, she was.
- Yeah, her Winnie.
I went up behind her... I had a little joke
with her, she liked a joke, see?
I went up behind her at the graveside
and I said,
"Here, Mrs F,
it's hardly worth you going home again, is it?"
She... She laughed.
She bloody nearly fell in the grave.
Don't you crack a smile, will you?
What's the matter with you?
Well, better a true word spoken, Alf.
She had a good sendoff, though.
- Went off in a Rolls.
- (Alf) That's right.
Course, she'd have preferred the horses,
because she never liked cars.
Yeah, well, I mean, it was grand in them days,
wasn't it, Else?
- All them horses, four to a carriage.
- Black, they was. Belgians.
With them things
sticking out the top of their heads.
- Ears.
- Not ears.
- I'm pulling your leg. Plumes.
- Yeah, all right, plumes.
- Prince of Wales feathers.
- That's right.
Everyone lining the streets.
- Caps off.
- Blinds drawn.
And they never started the horses trotting
until they was at least three streets away.
Yeah. Not like it now.
No. Now they can't wait.
They just rush you off now.
They even go through red lights.
- Do you know, if the corpse...
- Deceased.
...or your deceased, had a favourite pub,
they'd pull up right outside
and all go in and drink his health.
That wouldn't happen today. No, them
traffic wardens would give you a parking ticket.
I never have any trouble with parking tickets
and traffic wardens.
- Why not?
- I ain't got a car.
He's a card, ain't he?
Shut up and drink your beer.
A good sendoff, though.
What, Mrs Fairclough? Yeah, God rest her soul.
Nugents arranged it very nicely.
Tea afterwards, everything.
Marvellous undertaker old Nugent was,
wasn't he, when you look back.
He only had one drawback, old Nugent.
Do you remember?
He used to have a blooming great dewdrop
hanging off his nose.
It used to get longer and longer, it did.
Scare the living daylights out of you, that did.
Specially when he was slicing a boiled ham
for the tea after, eh?
You laughed.
You cracked one there, haven't you, eh?
I always said, when it comes to a funeral,
you'd go a long way to beat old Nugent.
She laid in the house for a week
before they screwed her down.
And old Nugent, he made her look lovely.
He did, old Mrs Fairclough.
He put her teeth in, everything.
Best I've ever seen her.
She lay there, Arthur, in a lovely oak coffin...
French polished by hand.
- Brass handles.
- See your face in them.
Little bit of blue velvet.
Lined throughout.
What a wonderful way to go.
See, they'd agreed it all beforehand,
before she snuffed it.
Well, you could do that in them days.
- Yeah, your funeral club.
- That's right.
Yeah, well, you could plan them yourself,
you see. Tell them how you wanted it.
Oh, yeah. I mean, they used to say to them,
"Do you want to be burnt or buried?”
- Cos burnt's cheaper.
- Of course.
- All the land values have gone up.
- That's right.
It's more profitable building houses
than it is graves.
I mean, houses create wealth.
People are always buying and selling
and moving in and out.
They don't do that with graves.
No movement with graves.
It's a dead business.
- We had a plot for my mother.
- Yeah?
It was smart, clean and decent
when we first come.
- When we buried my father in it.
- Yeah.
You should see it now.
We had to bury my mother in it
a few weeks ago.
Oh, you should see it now.
Disgusting, it is.
You'd think it was pigs buried there.
- Blanche.
- Don't upset yourself, girl.
Cremation's best, that's what I say.
- Yeah.
- At least you get your own jar.
Yeah.
- Urn.
- At least you're on your own.
I'm Catholic, and we don't have cremation.
We're not allowed it, see?
- Oh?
- Well, if you're a Catholic,
you've got to go up to heaven
as you was down here.
All in one piece, like.
Well, you can't have transplants, then.
Not if you're a Catholic.
Well, I don't know.
No, I mean, not if you've got to go up there
in one piece, as you was down here.
You go up there with borrowed bits
of someone else, well, it ain't you, is it?
Well, I mean, as long as he can see it's you.
- Him?
- (Mouths)
As long as he can see it's you.
- If you've lived a life of grace and purity...
- Like you?
...grace and purity,
according to his teachings down here,
well, I mean, when you go to heaven,
to get your reward, like,
well, you want to be recognised,
don't you?
You're right.
So as long as he's able to see that it's you,
you see...
(Mouths)
...as long as he can see it's you,
well, you don't want to get what you've earned
being given to somebody else, do you?
- No, that's right. That's right, Milly.
- What about pacemakers? Would they count?
- What, as part of yourself, Arthur?
- Yeah.
Well, no. I mean, I think...
No, they'd take 'em out before they bury you,
wouldn't they?
They would, or...before they barbeque you.
I mean, it's like... It's like a car, you see.
I mean, when you scrap a car,
they take all the good bits out,
any bits that are still working,
and bung them into something else.
- You ain't got a pacemaker, have you, Arthur?
- No, no, no.
- They're talking about giving the missus one.
- Are they?
Well, before you lay out any money on that,
you let them give her a trial run with it.
- Yeah, right.
- I mean, let her go up and down a few hills.
Put her out...
Better still, put her out jogging, you know?
- I'll do that.
- Why don't you see some of the undertakers?
- Undertakers?
- See if you can get a good second-hand one.
You know? Well, get it reconditioned, MOT'd.
But I mean, you don't want to start
paying out top prices, not at her age.
- We're gonna get it on the National Health.
- What, free?
- Oh, yeah.
- Well, bung it into her, then.
- Get a few more years out of her, eh?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She still gets around the house,
does cooking, scrubbing, a bit of that?
Oh, yeah, yeah, she's all right, Alf, you know.
But she's slow, Alf, slow.
Very, very slow.
Well, bung the pacemaker into her.
Speed her up a bit, won't it, eh?
- Yeah, yeah, I'll do that.
- Here, what about Bill there?
He won't be going up to heaven
all in one piece.
- (Alf) Why's that?
- Well, he's a leg short down here.
So he'll be a leg short up there.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That'll be up there waiting for him.
Oh, that'll be kept in storage for him.
Oh, yes. You see,
if you're a good man down here,
with a reserved place up there,
anything that arrives in heaven before you
is labelled and stored,
to be collected on arrival.
He won't go through eternity on a stump.
Oh, no. No, no, no, no.
No, when he arrives at the pearly gates,
they'll have all his particulars.
Where he comes from, what address,
what house, what street, what town,
who his family are and where they're living
up there in eternity, etcetera, etcetera.
Directions on how to find them,
travel news on how to get there,
and train times and travel vouchers,
if necessary.
Ah, yes. Aye, and a ticket
to collect his own leg,
brand-new and reconditioned,
and in perfect working order.
Aye, you'll be back
on your own two feet then.
Here, Bill, how do you get on with
that wooden leg of yours?
I mean, do you get your Rentokil
on the National Health?
It's tin, Alf.
It's alloy, not wood.
I wished it was wood.
Last winter, with all that cold,
and fuel as short as it was,
I wished it was wood.
It would have been on the fire many a night
if it was wood.
- You wouldn't.
- I would.
- You wouldn't.
- Did you hear that?
(Drunken singing)
Not near neighbours.
You don't want to charge near neighbours.
That would create bad feeling, wouldn't it?
(Slurring) Bad feeling.
Charge a stranger,
charge all your passing strangers.
Strangers don't know I've got the phone.
That's what I'm saying.
Put a sign in the window.
"You may telephone from here.”
That's what I'm saying. I'll run it for you.
Hold on, I've got to have a Jimmy.
(Alf) I can't get through it, can I?
- That's it.
- Good night, Harry.
Oh, yeah, good night! Marvellous, innit?
Don't give us a hand, will you?
All the same. Self, self, self!
Good night.
- # When I'm carrying my loved one...
- (Horn parps)
Mind the lamppost, my dear.
You must mind the...
Whee! There you are, up Epping Forest.
Hey hey hey hey!
(Incoherent singing)
(Man) Shut up! I've got to get to sleep!
(Drunken singing)
I'll race you. I'll race you!
(Woman) Will you be quiet!
You'll wake our kids up.
All right. What's the matter with you?
Just taking Mummy out for a drink, aren't I?
She's entitled to enjoy herself.
Just cos she's in a wheelchair
doesn't mean to say she can't enjoy herself.
- Ah, go back to bed and shut up!
- (Barking)
# When we got married,
I took the marriage vows
# In sickness and in health, I said, I do
# For richer or poorer, till death us do part
# And you said
that you'd hon our and obey me, too.
# But it wasn't very long
before I soon found out
# The one who wore the trousers was you
# Now after all these years,
at last I'm pushing you about
# But in sickness and in health I love you
# In sickness and in health, I said I do #
I took the marriage vows
# In sickness and in health, I said I do
# For richer or poorer, till death us do part
# And you said
that you'd hon our and obey me, too
# But it wasn't very long
before I soon found out
# The one who wore the trousers was you
# Now after all these years,
at last I'm pushing you about
# But in sickness and in health, I love you
# In sickness and in health, I said, I do #
Does make me look younger, though.
Take it off. That belongs to Rita.
I always thought hair would suit me.
When I look back, and I remember back,
it did suit me.
Does suit me.
If you remember when I had hair.
No, I can't. My memory's not that good,
I'm afraid.
When I first met you, I had hair. Lots of it.
- So you say.
- I did, I did.
Very black, it was.
Very black and very shiny.
It was greasy.
You used to think
I looked a bit like Clark Gable in them days.
I never did.
Clark Gable was a handsome man.
I didn't say a lot like him, did I?
I said a bit like him.
(As Rhett Butler) It's bigger than the both of us.
I don't give a damn.
Here...
...look at that, with the glasses. John Lennon.
# She loves you, yeah...
Anyway, people did say that I looked
a bit like Clark Gable in them days,
when I was younger.
People used to say a lot of things about you
when you was younger.
If I'd had any sense,
I'd have listened to them.
I look a lot younger with one of these.
I look ten, twenty years younger with this.
You'll crack that mirror in a minute
and we'll have bad luck.
I could dye the moustache, I suppose.
Looks like it's dead already.
No, it's a giveaway, that is.
A dead giveaway to my age, that is.
No, I'd look a lot younger man
if I had one of these.
I'm worried about Rita.
I wouldn't have girls giving up their seats
on buses for me if I had one of these.
She wrote to say she was coming down
to see us and I haven't heard since.
- Well, phone her.
- She's not on the phone.
Phone that aunt of his.
She only lives round the corner.
- She's always saying she"ll take messages.
- In emergency.
Well, it is an emergency.
Where are you going?
I am going over the road.
They said we could use their phone.
- In emergency.
- So what's emergency?
You'd let me go out looking like that,
wouldn't you?
- What happened to Clark Gable?
- Oh, sod off.
It's Mr Garnett, dear.
He wants to use the telephone.
- Yeah. Don't mind, do you?
- Is it the doctor you want?
Is Mrs Garnett poorly?
No, no, no, I just want to phone my daughter,
Rita, up in Liverpool.
- Liverpool?
- Yes.
Well, the missus said you wouldn't mind.
You don't mind, do you?
Course you don't. I knew you wouldn't mind.
No, the missus said you wouldn't mind.
She said, "They're very nice people,
them Johnsons. They won't mind."
"Very neighbourly, they are,” she said.
Not like some people round here.
- Did he say Liverpool?
- I did say if it was an emergency.
He's phoning Liverpool.
Marvellous, these, ain't they?
Get through to anywhere now, can't you?
Don't have to go through the operator.
Just dial straight through. Marvellous.
There you are, brrrp brrrp!
Liverpool, brrp brrp brrp!
# She loves you, yeah, yeah...
Come on, come on, answer.
They're marvellous.
I mean, that's over 250 miles away, that is.
That'd take you over four hours in a train.
With this, straight through, boo-boom.
Unless you've got someone
who's deaf on the other end. Come on!
That's his aunt, that is.
If she's anything like him, she's thick.
They're all bloody thick up there in Liverpool,
ain't they?
It's the Irish, see.
They've got all this Irish blood in 'em.
Come on, come on!
Probably searching all over the house
for the phone.
Probably forgotten where she's put it, eh?
Oh, hello? Oh, yes, erm... Who's this?
Oh, yeah. it's Mr Garnett here, Rita's dad.
Can I talk to Miss Thompson?
Your mum? Erm... Yeah, all right.
Yeah, well, go and fetch her.
All right, sonny, I'll talk to your mum.
Here, there's a turn-up for the book, innit?
She ain't supposed to have children.
She's supposed to be a spinster. Maiden aunt.
Catholic, too.
If her priest finds out, she'll be
on her knees the rest of her life, she will.
Oh, hello.
I want to talk to Rita Rawlins, please.
Rita Raw... Your nephew's wife.
Yeah, I know she don't live there.
- (TV: male voice)
- Erm... Can you...
No, she... Turn it down!
I know, I know. She lives round the corner.
Turn it down!
No, not you. I'm asking them.
I'm... I'm asking them to turn the telly down.
No, I know you ain't got the telly on.
It's here, the bloody telly's here!
I've told you who I want to talk to.
Rita, Rita Rawlins, your nephew's wife.
I know she don't live there. She lives
round the corner with her husband, don't she?
Stupid Scou...
I told you they was thick up there.
Thick as two boards, they are.
When they brought in decimalisation
in Liverpool,
they had to raise
the school leaving age to 35.
No, I have not got the wrong...
I have not got the wrong number.
No, I haven't.
It's the right number. I've got it written...
Liverpool 2550.
That's not the wrong... It's the right number.
I've got it written down in front of me.
- If you dialled it wrong...
- Ssh! What?
No, I didn't dial it wrong, did I? I dialled it...
I know what I dialled. I dialled 051,
that is the code for Liverpool, right?
I'm calling from London, ain't I?
I dialled 0512550.
You're what?
You're 25607
Oh, no, you're not.
You can't be. You're... Look, I know what I...
I know what I...
Well, then, you've got the wrong number,
ain't you?
You are the wrong number.
Look, I know what I dialled...
I dialled 25... Why would I dial 2560
if I don't want 25607
I know what I bloody dialled!
Well, there's something wrong
with your phone, then.
I should get it reported if I were...
It's not my fault, is it, if you was in bed?
Well, I can't see your house, can I?
How did I know you was in bed?
I didn't want to talk to you in the first place.
Anyway, you go to bed early, don't you?
It's only eight o'clock.
Well, I didn't know you was ill, did I?
You don't sound ill to me.
Stupid Scouse git!
Wrong number, she says. Wrong number. Look.
I've got the bloody thing written down here.
She meant you dialled it wrong.
Now, come on, missus. Now, missus, really.
I mean, I know how to dial a number, don't I?
I wouldn't do that, would I, dial it wrong?
Here, Fred, you'd better come
and check up on me. Dial it wrong!
Make sure I put me finger in the right hole.
0512...
Dial it wrong, blimey! I didn't go to university,
I can dial a phone, can't I?
Hello. Oh, Miss Thompson?
All right, Ms.
Look, I want to talk to Rita. Rita Rawlins.
Yeah, it's her dad, Mr Garnett.
Yeah, but I mean, can you nip round there?
Well, it won't take you a minute, will it?
It's about her mum.
Yeah. Well.. take an umbrella.
Well, ain't you got a raincoat?
Where've you been living all summer, then?
Thank you.
She's going round to fetch her.
Wrong number! It's the right number, innit, eh?
Relations, I don't know!
They're supposed to be relations, well, in-laws.
Moaning cos it's raining
and I asked her to pop round the corner.
You can turn the telly up now, if you like.
Oh, no, no, it's Des O'Connor.
Turn it over the other side.
Oh, I like this. Hey hey hey!
That's a nice fruit bowl.
Them apples look very nice.
Would you... Would you like an apple?
I'd sooner have a banana.
- Take one.
- Erm... Them apples do look very nice, though.
There you are.
Here, that is a big box of chocolates, innit?
- Mr Garnett?
- Oh, thanks very much.
Oh, they look lovely. Hold the map up.
Make sure we get the right one.
Now, the one with the squiggle,
that's the coffee creme. I like them.
Right.
Wrong.
- What's that one? I can't see...
- Excuse me, will she be long?
What? Blimey, that's a liqueur.
I hate them, that's all like liquidy. Who?
- I said, will she be long?
- Who?
Oh, that. I forgot all about her.
No, no, no, shouldn't think so.
It's only a couple of streets away.
That's Liverpool, you know, that is.
That costs a lot of money.
Not any more, it don't. No, no.
"Phone a friend, make someone happy.”
I used to like that advert on telly.
What was it? Buzby.
And what's her name? That Irene,
used to take off all them funny voices.
- Handel.
- No.
No. "Write a letter, don't make a phone call.”
No, it's the other way round, innit?
"Don't write a letter, make a phone call.”
Well, cos it costs a lot cheaper now, don't it?
Don't have to get through the operator,
you see.
- Anyway, operators are no bloody use.
- Dad?
You're right. There's someone talking on there.
Trying to get through to us.
Hello? Rita!
Yeah, it's your dad.
Mum? No, she's all right. Right as rain.
Yeah. Got wet, did you?
No, it's not raining here.
First time in months.
Hold on, darling. I'll go and get her for you.
Hold on.
I'll, er... I'll just go and get the missus.
It's my daughter. Rita.
Well, talk to her, if you like.
I won't be a jiff.
- Where's he gone?
- He's gone to fetch his wife.
- That phone's connected up to Liverpool.
- Ssh! She might hear you.
- Is he paying for this call?
- I don't know. Ask him.
- I'm going to put it back.
- Dad?
- Yeah, I'm going to put it back.
- No, don't.
- She's saying something.
- Well, answer it, then.
No, you answer it. Go on, answer it!
Hello? Rita?
- Oh, no, that's all right.
- It's not all right. Tell her it's not all right.
- You tell her.
- No, tell her it's not all right.
- What? Oh, no, of course we don't mind.
- We do mind! Tell her we do mind!
- You tell her we mind.
- Tell her I mind.
Tell her I mind so much
I'm banging my head against the wall.
- No, no, any time.
- Not any time. Never!
- Never. No time.
- Ssh! They're coming.
(Alf) Whoa! Blimey, that's took all the paint
off our front door an' all!
- I'm sorry about this.
- That's all right. We don't mind.
- Dad?
- Well, talk, then.
- How long can I speak for?
- It's all right, Fred don't mind.
Do you, Fred? Here, Fred,
I'd, er... I'd like to repay you for this,
you know.
Buy you a drink or something, you know?
Only, I don't like to offer you money,
you know,
cos some people take that as an insult,
you know what I mean?
I think... I think a good neighbour
should be appreciated. You know what I mean?
And not took advantage of.
Look at her, enjoying herself there.
Talking away. Lovely, innit?
It's nice to see, that is.
Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit!
Very nice of you.
No, she's all right. She could be worse, eh?
- She's got stamina.
- She'd have to have.
That's what she's got.
There!
Good constitution. See, that...
In the long run, that is better than beauty,
any old day of the week.
Listen, she's cost me money.
You know that?
She has. I'm out of pocket over her.
I mean, if she'd have gone
the same time as her sister Maud went, well...
I'd have been a winner,
with the insurance that I've got on her, see?
I'd have been laughing.
Well, not laughing, you know.
No, no. Sad.
But I mean, that is the gamble you take, innit?
I have paid out more on her now
than I'll ever get back.
But...
I've got her, ain't I?
I've got my little darling, see?
Mind you, I wish I'd had a few bob
on that sister of hers, that bloody Maud.
I couldn't bloody stand her!
Cow, she was.
Well, I mean,
I get on with most people, don't I?
Yes, I bloody do!
We had nothing in common,
me and her sister Maud.
I tell a lie. We had one thing in common.
I hated her and she hated me.
She hated you much more than you hated her.
With cause.
No one hated her
as much as her husband Wally hated her.
- I knew her sister. Went to school with her.
- Really?
Show you her knickers
for a bite of your toffee apple, she would.
Her funeral, I don't think I've ever sat through
anything what give me more pleasure.
I don't know who was the happiest man there,
me or her husband. Well, it was her husband.
Do you know what he done,
her old man, old Wally?
He bought her the biggest bloody tombstone
you ever seen. Must have weighed a ton.
He said to me afterwards,
"Alf, do you know why I've bought her that?"
- Keep her down.
- Right. Right.
"Because comes the day of judgment,”
he says, "comes the day of reckoning,
"I hope it's going to take her months,
bloody years, to shift that thing.
"Buying time, that's what I'm doing, Alf.
Buying time.
"I'll have a little while up there in eternity
without her up there to bloody well ruin it."
"Cos I'll tell you something, Alf,”
he said, and he had tears in his eyes,
"Alf," he said, "heaven is all most of us
poor people's got to hope for.
"But if she do succeed
in shifting that heavy piece of granite,
"that expensive piece of masonry what I have
weighted her down with, and gets up to heaven,
"it won't be heaven no more.
"She'll ruin it, same as she's ruined
our two-up, two-down outside toilet,
"pissing all over the lavatory seat.”
"I'm sure God's going to put up with that.
"I mean, he may be a Christian, Alf,
"but if he's got any kind of class at all, he ain't
going to put up with bloody Maud up there.
"And I'll tell you something else, Alf,
if he's prepared to put up with her, I ain't!
"I'm sodding off down the other place.”
I wish you would.
- Get that down you.
- Ta.
The best funeral we had down our street
was when old Mrs Fairclough
at number 13 went.
Well, she couldn't grumble.
She had a good run.
- 95,
- Yeah, she was.
Had her share of the old age pension
before she went.
She did.
It's an amazing coincidence,
I see her down the cemetery
just a month before she went herself.
- Burying her eldest daughter, she was.
- Yeah, her Winnie.
I went up behind her... I had a little joke
with her, she liked a joke, see?
I went up behind her at the graveside
and I said,
"Here, Mrs F,
it's hardly worth you going home again, is it?"
She... She laughed.
She bloody nearly fell in the grave.
Don't you crack a smile, will you?
What's the matter with you?
Well, better a true word spoken, Alf.
She had a good sendoff, though.
- Went off in a Rolls.
- (Alf) That's right.
Course, she'd have preferred the horses,
because she never liked cars.
Yeah, well, I mean, it was grand in them days,
wasn't it, Else?
- All them horses, four to a carriage.
- Black, they was. Belgians.
With them things
sticking out the top of their heads.
- Ears.
- Not ears.
- I'm pulling your leg. Plumes.
- Yeah, all right, plumes.
- Prince of Wales feathers.
- That's right.
Everyone lining the streets.
- Caps off.
- Blinds drawn.
And they never started the horses trotting
until they was at least three streets away.
Yeah. Not like it now.
No. Now they can't wait.
They just rush you off now.
They even go through red lights.
- Do you know, if the corpse...
- Deceased.
...or your deceased, had a favourite pub,
they'd pull up right outside
and all go in and drink his health.
That wouldn't happen today. No, them
traffic wardens would give you a parking ticket.
I never have any trouble with parking tickets
and traffic wardens.
- Why not?
- I ain't got a car.
He's a card, ain't he?
Shut up and drink your beer.
A good sendoff, though.
What, Mrs Fairclough? Yeah, God rest her soul.
Nugents arranged it very nicely.
Tea afterwards, everything.
Marvellous undertaker old Nugent was,
wasn't he, when you look back.
He only had one drawback, old Nugent.
Do you remember?
He used to have a blooming great dewdrop
hanging off his nose.
It used to get longer and longer, it did.
Scare the living daylights out of you, that did.
Specially when he was slicing a boiled ham
for the tea after, eh?
You laughed.
You cracked one there, haven't you, eh?
I always said, when it comes to a funeral,
you'd go a long way to beat old Nugent.
She laid in the house for a week
before they screwed her down.
And old Nugent, he made her look lovely.
He did, old Mrs Fairclough.
He put her teeth in, everything.
Best I've ever seen her.
She lay there, Arthur, in a lovely oak coffin...
French polished by hand.
- Brass handles.
- See your face in them.
Little bit of blue velvet.
Lined throughout.
What a wonderful way to go.
See, they'd agreed it all beforehand,
before she snuffed it.
Well, you could do that in them days.
- Yeah, your funeral club.
- That's right.
Yeah, well, you could plan them yourself,
you see. Tell them how you wanted it.
Oh, yeah. I mean, they used to say to them,
"Do you want to be burnt or buried?”
- Cos burnt's cheaper.
- Of course.
- All the land values have gone up.
- That's right.
It's more profitable building houses
than it is graves.
I mean, houses create wealth.
People are always buying and selling
and moving in and out.
They don't do that with graves.
No movement with graves.
It's a dead business.
- We had a plot for my mother.
- Yeah?
It was smart, clean and decent
when we first come.
- When we buried my father in it.
- Yeah.
You should see it now.
We had to bury my mother in it
a few weeks ago.
Oh, you should see it now.
Disgusting, it is.
You'd think it was pigs buried there.
- Blanche.
- Don't upset yourself, girl.
Cremation's best, that's what I say.
- Yeah.
- At least you get your own jar.
Yeah.
- Urn.
- At least you're on your own.
I'm Catholic, and we don't have cremation.
We're not allowed it, see?
- Oh?
- Well, if you're a Catholic,
you've got to go up to heaven
as you was down here.
All in one piece, like.
Well, you can't have transplants, then.
Not if you're a Catholic.
Well, I don't know.
No, I mean, not if you've got to go up there
in one piece, as you was down here.
You go up there with borrowed bits
of someone else, well, it ain't you, is it?
Well, I mean, as long as he can see it's you.
- Him?
- (Mouths)
As long as he can see it's you.
- If you've lived a life of grace and purity...
- Like you?
...grace and purity,
according to his teachings down here,
well, I mean, when you go to heaven,
to get your reward, like,
well, you want to be recognised,
don't you?
You're right.
So as long as he's able to see that it's you,
you see...
(Mouths)
...as long as he can see it's you,
well, you don't want to get what you've earned
being given to somebody else, do you?
- No, that's right. That's right, Milly.
- What about pacemakers? Would they count?
- What, as part of yourself, Arthur?
- Yeah.
Well, no. I mean, I think...
No, they'd take 'em out before they bury you,
wouldn't they?
They would, or...before they barbeque you.
I mean, it's like... It's like a car, you see.
I mean, when you scrap a car,
they take all the good bits out,
any bits that are still working,
and bung them into something else.
- You ain't got a pacemaker, have you, Arthur?
- No, no, no.
- They're talking about giving the missus one.
- Are they?
Well, before you lay out any money on that,
you let them give her a trial run with it.
- Yeah, right.
- I mean, let her go up and down a few hills.
Put her out...
Better still, put her out jogging, you know?
- I'll do that.
- Why don't you see some of the undertakers?
- Undertakers?
- See if you can get a good second-hand one.
You know? Well, get it reconditioned, MOT'd.
But I mean, you don't want to start
paying out top prices, not at her age.
- We're gonna get it on the National Health.
- What, free?
- Oh, yeah.
- Well, bung it into her, then.
- Get a few more years out of her, eh?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She still gets around the house,
does cooking, scrubbing, a bit of that?
Oh, yeah, yeah, she's all right, Alf, you know.
But she's slow, Alf, slow.
Very, very slow.
Well, bung the pacemaker into her.
Speed her up a bit, won't it, eh?
- Yeah, yeah, I'll do that.
- Here, what about Bill there?
He won't be going up to heaven
all in one piece.
- (Alf) Why's that?
- Well, he's a leg short down here.
So he'll be a leg short up there.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That'll be up there waiting for him.
Oh, that'll be kept in storage for him.
Oh, yes. You see,
if you're a good man down here,
with a reserved place up there,
anything that arrives in heaven before you
is labelled and stored,
to be collected on arrival.
He won't go through eternity on a stump.
Oh, no. No, no, no, no.
No, when he arrives at the pearly gates,
they'll have all his particulars.
Where he comes from, what address,
what house, what street, what town,
who his family are and where they're living
up there in eternity, etcetera, etcetera.
Directions on how to find them,
travel news on how to get there,
and train times and travel vouchers,
if necessary.
Ah, yes. Aye, and a ticket
to collect his own leg,
brand-new and reconditioned,
and in perfect working order.
Aye, you'll be back
on your own two feet then.
Here, Bill, how do you get on with
that wooden leg of yours?
I mean, do you get your Rentokil
on the National Health?
It's tin, Alf.
It's alloy, not wood.
I wished it was wood.
Last winter, with all that cold,
and fuel as short as it was,
I wished it was wood.
It would have been on the fire many a night
if it was wood.
- You wouldn't.
- I would.
- You wouldn't.
- Did you hear that?
(Drunken singing)
Not near neighbours.
You don't want to charge near neighbours.
That would create bad feeling, wouldn't it?
(Slurring) Bad feeling.
Charge a stranger,
charge all your passing strangers.
Strangers don't know I've got the phone.
That's what I'm saying.
Put a sign in the window.
"You may telephone from here.”
That's what I'm saying. I'll run it for you.
Hold on, I've got to have a Jimmy.
(Alf) I can't get through it, can I?
- That's it.
- Good night, Harry.
Oh, yeah, good night! Marvellous, innit?
Don't give us a hand, will you?
All the same. Self, self, self!
Good night.
- # When I'm carrying my loved one...
- (Horn parps)
Mind the lamppost, my dear.
You must mind the...
Whee! There you are, up Epping Forest.
Hey hey hey hey!
(Incoherent singing)
(Man) Shut up! I've got to get to sleep!
(Drunken singing)
I'll race you. I'll race you!
(Woman) Will you be quiet!
You'll wake our kids up.
All right. What's the matter with you?
Just taking Mummy out for a drink, aren't I?
She's entitled to enjoy herself.
Just cos she's in a wheelchair
doesn't mean to say she can't enjoy herself.
- Ah, go back to bed and shut up!
- (Barking)
# When we got married,
I took the marriage vows
# In sickness and in health, I said, I do
# For richer or poorer, till death us do part
# And you said
that you'd hon our and obey me, too.
# But it wasn't very long
before I soon found out
# The one who wore the trousers was you
# Now after all these years,
at last I'm pushing you about
# But in sickness and in health I love you
# In sickness and in health, I said I do #