In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 1, Episode 3 - In Sickness and in Health - full transcript

# When we got married,
I took the marriage vows

# In sickness and in health, I said I do

# For richer or poorer, till death us do part

# And you said
that you'd hon our and obey me, too

# But it wasn't very long
before I soon found out

# The one who wore the trousers was you

# Now after all these years,
at last I'm pushing you about

# But in sickness and in health, I love you

# In sickness and in health, I said, I do #

Right, I've finished. Come and have a look.

There you are.
Don't say I don't do nothing for you.



Next time, it's their turn to scrub this.
Them upstairs.

- Hey, can you hear?
- (Honks horn)

Next time it's your turn to scrub this.

Well, they say
that this bit of passage belongs to us.

From the front door to the stairs,
they say is ours.

- So it's our business to keep it clean.
- All right, then.

If that is what they say, if this bit is ours,
they can't walk over it no more.

- What?
- They can't come in and out this way.

Oil All right?

Hey!

If that's your bloody game up there,

if this bit is ours,
from the stairs to the front door,

you can't use it no more.

AIL right? You can't come in and out this way.



You want to get out, you get a bloody ladder
and climb out of the window.

Bloody sauce.

And don't walk over that
until I've got some paper down.

- Where's the mats?
- Out the back.

I'm going to give them a good banging
in a minute, get the dust out of 'em.

Don't do it yet.
Next door's got her washing hanging out.

Well, she can take it in, can't she? I ain't
hanging about, waiting for her washing to dry.

Anyway, I'm going to light a bonfire out
the back in a minute, burn up some rubbish.

- What rubbish?
- I'll soon find some.

Well, can't you wait
till she takes her washing in?

She'll soon take it in when I light the fire,
don't you worry.

Look, that is my garden out the back, innit?

I pay rates for that bit of land,

and if I want to light a fire or bang my mats
out, that's my property I'm doing it on.

Well, it would be more neighbourly to wait.

You let her walk all over you,
that's your trouble.

Oi! I'm going to light a fire out here
in a minute, all right?

And I'm banging my mats out.
All right, you've been warned.

- Don't say you ain't been warned.
- (Barking)

Get off of me! Get off!

Bloody hell! Where'd they get
that bleeding dog from?

- (Knock at door)
- Who's that?

- That'll be the milkman.
- Where's he been? Number four again.

It's more than tea he gets over there,
I can tell you.

- Morning.
- Mind where you walk. I just scrubbed that.

Oh, blimey, you look knackered, you do.

Do you know that that is the equivalent
of a 20-mile run, that is?

- What is?
- What you was doing over there.

Well, it's harder than pushing a wheelchair,
especially after you've climbed a block of flats.

Never mind, you won't have to do
anything like that any more, will you?

- Ain't you lucky?
- Smartarse.

- Do you want to settle up, Mrs G?
- Oh, please, George.

Righto, let's see now.

Here we are.

- Now, on Monday you had two pints, right?
- Yeah.

And 20p each way on Crown Prince.

Now, that went down, didn't it?

Then on Tuesday, you had one pint,
half a pound of butter and 20p on Ambrosia,

and that come in at 774 on.

Then on Wednesday, you had two pints,
a quarter pound of tea and 50p Irish Lady.

- And that went down.
- It fell down.

On Thursday, you had one pint, a dozen eggs,
a quarter pound of cheese

and 20p to win on Lucky Charlie,
which was scratched.

You like them non-runners, don't you?

Then on Friday, you had two pints and...

That's right, I collected something
from the dry cleaners for you and paid for it.

What was it?

Oh, I know, it was something
of his, wasn't it?

They said they couldn't get the stains out.

They wanted to know what they were. Yeah.

And then you had 10p to win
on Midnight Express.

Here, that was a good one, come in 100/8.

So, let me see. Add that, take that, yeah.

And that leaves... Yes, well, that's right.

- I owe you two eggs.
- Ah.

AIL this gambling, I don't know.

That supplementary benefit,
that's not supposed to be used for gambling.

It's supposed to be spent on things we need.

- We need eggs. I won eggs.
- You don't always win, do you?

- No, but I mostly do.
- Yeah, they all say that.

Well, it's fun.

I need a bit of fun, stuck in a wheelchair.
It's the only bit of fun I get.

I'd like to know how much of that welfare
finishes up in the betting office.

You would.

Yeah, well, somebody has to pay that money in
before it gets paid out.

We all know that. As it happens, I am one of
them what's paying it in. I'm not complaining.

I wouldn't expect you to. It was your Labour lot
started all that, all them free handouts.

You should think yourself lucky they did.
They cost a lot of money, them wheelchairs.

That's what I'm forever telling him.

I don't know where we'd be today
if it wasn't for the welfare.

- It's a blessing, I think.
- Oh, yeah, it's a blessing, all right.

A blessing for the bloody bookmakers. The way
some of them spend their welfare in there.

All right, we was lucky. I admit that.
We got a wheelchair out of it.

But if she hadn't been crippled up
the way she is,

we could have gone on paying for years
and got nothing out of it.

- You call that lucky?
- Listen, listen.

You take your Liverpool, right?

Now, they're supposed to be so poor up there,
with all the unemployed.

But how is it they can afford two of the most
expensive football teams in England, eh?

If they're so bloody poor, how is it
they can afford all them star players, eh?

Simple. It's obvious. It's your welfare.
It's your welfare what's paying, innit?

Your welfare's paying players' wages?
Now, how do you make that out?

I'll explain it you. Listen, see.

When they get their welfare,
they're straight in the betting shop.

- Leave it out.
- Never mind leave it out.

Leave it in. You bloody listen,
you might learn something.

There's a hell of a lot more of that money going
through the turnstiles of football, innit, eh?

I mean, up there in your Liverpool,
they're playing European matches...

- They used to.
- All right, used to.

They're still playing Cup and League.
They're playing three times a week, both teams.

- Where's the money coming from?
- What about the football pools?

Never mind about the bloody pools, mate.
The bloody grounds are packed to the rafters.

They're all out of work up there.
The whole town's on the bleedin' dole.

Where's the money coming from that's going
through the turnstiles? It's your welfare.

Your Everton and your Liverpool
is being subsidised out of your DHSS.

So we ain't so bloody lucky, are we?

We got a wheelchair out of it, but we could have
done with a bit more money for our football.

Mind you, it's right what you said
about your Europe.

I mean, it's not fair, is it?

Just cos of the ignorance
of a handful of Liverpool hooligans,

West Ham's dreams of European glory
has been dashed.

Not bloody fair. Years, West Ham's
been preparing for Europe. Bloody years.

Wasted years now, ain't they, eh?

Just because of a few rotten,
lousy Scouse gits guzzling their duty free.

And they won't pay their rates
like the rest of us. Oh, dear me, no.

What are you talking about,
spoiling West Ham's chances?

You've got to win here
before you can get into Europe.

We can win, we can win.
But there's ways of winning, isn't there?

And we wouldn't stoop so low
as some of your clubs do.

That's our trouble.

Blimey, I don't suppose I'll live long enough
to see West Ham win that European Cup.

- Your grandchildren won't live long enough.
- Shut up.

Oh well, I've got to be off. I've got to settle up
with that unmarried mother in number 26.

What's all the spring cleaning for?
Are you expecting visitors?

Got another home help coming. So we have
to get up six in the morning and tidy up for her.

I wouldn't like her to think we live in a pigsty.

Fifth one, this is. Social workers!

They want to be social, all right.
Too bloody social.

All they want to do is sit here drinking tea
and jawing. None of them wants to do any work.

Bloody football hooligans!

We ought to brand 'em.
That's what we ought to do.

Brand 'em across the forehead.

Brand 'em for life. So we can see 'em,
so0 we can see who they are.

Football hooligans!

Murderers! Rapists!

Brand 'em. Brand 'em all

Unemployed. Unemployable.

Then when we see 'em, we can whack 'em
and kick 'em and boot 'em,

and bloody castrate 'em!

- Yeah, well, have a nice day, Mrs G.
- Thank you.

Well, now, what would you like me to do,
Mrs Garnett?

What we would like you to have done,
we've already done it ourselves, haven't we?

You was supposed to be here at nine o'clock.

I left home at nine o'clock.
My day starts when I leave home.

Oh, does it? Well, as far as I am concerned,
your day starts when you get here.

Don't let's have arguments.
Start on the bedroom.

- I've tidied in here.
- I've got some shirts in there want washing.

- And a pair of underpants.
- I would like to point out to you, Mr Garnett,

I am not supposed to do any work
or clean any rooms used by active relatives.

Solely used.
I've got your book here, missus.

It says... "solely used".

I don't use that bedroom "solely".
She shares my bed with me.

- Poor woman.
- Never mind about poor woman.

- I'll tidy her half of the room.
- You'll tidy both halves.

You can clear your own mess,
and wash your own underpants.

Not just my mess. It's both our mess.

I'll not be your dogsbody.

You'll do your job.
I've got your book here, missus.

Don't you pull no stunts on me.
I know my rights.

- And I know my rights.
- Right, right, we'll see.

There we are. "The type of work
which your home help can be expected to do

"is those tasks which you cannot perform
due to handicap, illness or infirmity.”

- You're not handicapped or infirm.
- No, but my wife is.

And the kind of task which she cannot perform
is looking after me, innit?

Cleaning my house,

cooking and washing and scrubbing,

and performing those duties
that a wife performs for her husband.

That's your job. That's what the council
sent you to do, not to sit around drinking tea.

And for a start,
I haven't had no breakfast yet.

- Haven't you had breakfast yet, Mrs Garnett?
- No, she hasn't had any breakfast yet.

Because the silly moo's been too bloody busy
cleaning the place for you.

So she hasn't had no time
to cook me no breakfast.

I told her to leave it for you. I told her
you don't have a dog and bark yourself.

Would you like me to make you breakfast,
Mrs Garnett?

Yes, we would. Of course we bloody would.

I've been sitting here two hours
waiting for you to cook us that.

Don't think you're getting away with
that two hours, I've got that noted.

I'll have that deducted from your wages.
You can't come round here skiving.

Oh, blimey, we're not soft in the head,
like some of them you look after.

And another thing, for your information,

we know what we've got
and what we ain't got.

What do you mean by that?

We've had home helps before, missus,
and we've had things go walkies.

- Are you insinuating...
- I'm not insinuating nothing.

I'm just putting you straight.
And while we're on the question of security,

I'd like to see your identity card, to verify
that you are a bone fide council employee.

- I'm sorry, Mrs Garnett. I can't stay here.
- Yes.

Not with him. I couldn't bear
to be in the same room as him.

- That catches 'em out.
- I don't know how you manage it.

You have my sympathy.

I will not put up with talk like this. I have
never been talked to in that manner before.

And in my work, I've come across some of
the lowest and most common of people.

Or so I thought until today.

I'm afraid you'll have to get back to the council,
see if they can find you somebody else.

- Somebody not so particular.
- Don't spit on my head.

I'm sorry.

You poor woman.

(TV: The Pink Panther)

- I'm trying to Hoover.
- And I am trying to watch telly!

(Cleaner) Ooh!

(Angry muttering)

I'm sorry, Mrs Garnett.
You'll have to find someone else.

Eugh.

You're not going to smoke that
in here, are you?

What's it got to do with you?

I'll smoke it where I like, won't I?
It's my house.

I'll not stay in the same room
with that thing.

- It's a filthy, dirty habit.
- Get off!

You'll poison me.

Get off. Your pipe tobacco's all right.
It's healthy enough.

- It's dangerous.
- Dangerous? Blimey!

You smoke one of these, missus,
you'll come to no harm.

It's dangerous to be in the same room
with somebody smoking that poisonous stuff.

Get off. Dangerous! Even if it was,
it wouldn't stop me from smoking.

Cos I am smoking
for the health and prosperity of the country.

- For what?
- Let me ask a question.

Where does the nation derive
its biggest income from, eh?

It's from your tobacco tax, innit?

So if the whole nation
stops smoking tomorrow,

all that money's down the drain, innit?

Almost amount to your sabotage act,
that would.

Ruining the economy of the country.

No, missus, what I'm doing is patriotic.
It's patriotic to smoke.

- Rubbish.
- It's not rubbish.

It's not rubbish at all, my dear.

Do you know how much money was collected
last year from your tobacco tax?

Enough to pay for your National Health Service
and a bit over, as well.

She wouldn't have no wheelchair
if it wasn't for people like me smoking.

And you wouldn't have no job, neither,
if it wasn't for us smokers.

Blimey, us smokers, hoo! We ought to get
a medal, what we do for the country.

And people like you, who give up smoking
for health reasons

or are too frightened to smoke,

you ought to be given a white feather.

- Eh?
- Never mind about "Eh?"

Look, if a war breaks out tomorrow,
if you are called to the colours,

you can't refuse to go and fight
because it's dangerous, can you?

Same with your smoking,
same with tobacco.

You don't give up smoking cos it's dangerous.

Not if it's for the benefit of the country.

No. I am smoking for England and the Queen,
God bless her.

And I refuse to work in a room
filled with foul smoke.

Get off! It's bloody marvellous!

I am persecuted for smoking my own pipe
in my own home, in my own country.

Persecuted for smoking my pipe, I am.
What is it, bloody Russia? Give us that here.

Marvellous, ain't it?

I'm persecuted. Persecuted!
I'm treated worse than a bloody black!

Get off!

Can't smoke in a train, can't smoke
in a tube train, can't smoke on a platform,

can't even smoke in the street
without somebody casting aspersions,

with their bloody posters
and waving their arms around,

saying, "Filthy habit! Filthy habit!"

I'm on a train, bloody British Railways train,
our own bloody railways,

paid for out of our own bloody taxes,
with fares that's a bloody crime.

I'm sitting in the smoker,
where smoking is allowed,

where you're supposed to smoke.

And a bloody crowd of Asians gets in,
bloody Pakis, bloody nignogs!

Not even born in this country.
They're stinking of bloody curry, they are.

And just because I light my pipe,
me, an Englishman in his own country...

They ain't going to wear crash helmets
cos they want to wear a bloody turban,

and I'm sitting in my own bloody
railway train,

and just because I light my pipe
they all start waving their hands,

like bloody whirling dervishes,
and opening the windows.

- I think I'll open a window.
- No you won't, not in my house.

Bloody bully, attacking old people.

This is my house. You do as I say.

This... This is me, this is where I live.

This is mine.

This is... This part of the Empire is still mine.

This bit is still free.

Here I do what I want.

Here I smoke my pipe in peace,

and no arm waving
and opening bloody windows.

And these are my lungs.

I can bloody see 'em,
wobbling away there, missus.

- These are my lungs.
- Yes, I see 'em.

And I don't want them bunged up
with your foul smoke. I want to breathe pure...

Well, pure off and bloody well
breathe somewhere else, then.

Take your bloody lungs, all four and a half
tons of 'em, and breathe somewhere else.

We don't want your bloody lungs in here.

They're not staying here, don't you worry.

People like you should be locked up.

I fought a war against people like you!

Are you going round the doctor's for me?
I keep asking you.

I want you to collect my prescription.

- Yes. I'm going.
- When?

In a minute.

- It'll be too late in a minute.
- I'm going.

- Well, go, then.
- In a minute!

"In a minute, in a minute,” it's all you say.

In a minute.

I ask for a glass of water.

"In a minute. In a minute.”
I ask for a cup of tea.

It's, "In a minute, in a minute.”

Anything I ask you to do, it's "In a minute.”

You say that once more, "In a minute,”
and I'll throw something at you.

Will you stop nagging?

I'm going for your prescription, ain't I?
I'm going for it.

- I've said I would, and I will.
- When?

- Now.
- Will you?

- Go, then.
- In a minute!

And don't hurry back.

Take your time, you won't be missed.

I've got a new home help coming today
and I don't want you here. So stay away.

Stay away till she's done her work and gone.

Life's not fair when somebody who wants
to be active, who prefers to be active,

loses the use of their legs,

while others,
who wouldn't miss the use of their legs...

.who'd prefer not to use them anyway,

who'd be quite content to sit about all day
doing nothing,

are allowed to go through life
with legs that are wasted on them.

Oh, you're moving at last.

You're wicked, you are. Ooh, oh!

I only hope he can hear you.

My legs could be on the way
to being as bad as yours are.

They ain't escaped. Not yet, they ain't.

This leg's started playing up
the same way yours started.

Well, perhaps we'll both end up
in a wheelchair made for two.

Get off out of it.
You pull the other one, Arthur.

- No, it's true. I seen it on the telly.
- Get off.

I did. I seen it on the telly. Listen.

They put your woman's hormones
in your bull's ear.

- Hormones?
- Hormones.

- Women's hormones?
- Women's hormones.

- Get off out of it.
- No, they put 'em down his ear.

How? How do they put hormones in his ear?

- With a syringe.
- What? Hormones?

- Hormones?
- Women's hormones. It makes the bull fatter.

- What, hormones?
- It blows him up, so they get more meat.

- Hormones?
- Hormones, yes.

(Both) Women's hormones.

Here's the danger.

If you get a bit of his ear,
or a bit what's been close to his ear...

What, like his head, you mean?

Yeah. It can turn you into a poofter.

Get off out of it.

Yeah, but wait a minute, wait.

You don't eat his head.
You don't eat a bull's head.

- You do eat a bull's head.
- Not his head.

- You eat his head when you're eating mince.
- Get off. No!

- And your hamburgers.
- No.

What you're eating when you're eating your
mince, your mincemeat and your hamburgers

is your bull's head.

And it can turn you into a poofter.

What, you mean the hormones?
Your woman's hormones?

Yes, your hormones.
Your woman's hormones.

Why do you think we got so many
bloody poofters springing up like mushrooms?

Spreading your AIDS and your herpes?

- I don't believe all that cobblers.
- It's true. I've seen it on the telly.

- You don't want to believe...
- Listen. There should be a warning.

A government warning.
"This hamburger could turn you into a poofter.”

But not... not if you're a woman.

Yeah, well, it could have the reverse effect.

What do you... What do you mean?

- Like a les... a lesbian?
- Yeah.

See, it's the same thing.

Why are there so many lesbians?

You see, it's the same as your fellas...

only different.

See...

Where they...enjoy it,

like, how they do it...

Well, it's unnatural, innit?

I mean, consenting adults
is all right up to a point.

All right, listen... I mean, yes.

But you've got to draw the line. I mean...

- You don't mind if she was a Nancy...
- Oh, no.

Have a laugh, have a giggle.

Here, I heard they've got them
in the Houses of Parliament now.

- No!
- Your Nancy boys.

You don't want them in your Parliament.
You've got to draw your line somewhere.

- You don't want a brown hatter in Number 10.
- No!

Not with his live-in boyfriend, eh?

- Good health, Arthur.
- Good health, Alf.

Blimey, you can't say that when you're pissed,
can you?

- Good 'ealth, Alf.
- I've got news for you. I am pissed.

Well, I hope they ain't putting no...
no women's hormones in this, mate!

Well, if they have,
I'm following you home, sailor.

(Drunken singing)

(A What...

This is my new home help.

Winston.

What time do you call this, coming home?
I suppose you'll want your dinner now.

Well, I've got news for you.
We've already had ours.

But you're very lucky. I've saved you some.

Sit, bwana!

And mind your foot on that floor.
I just cleaned that.

Men is all the same, you know, dear.

Men, huh!

What's that?

Mince.

# When we got married,
I took the marriage vows

# In sickness and in health, I said, I do

# For richer or poorer, till death us do part

# And you said
that you'd hon our and obey me, too

# But it wasn't very long
before I soon found out

# The one who wore the trousers was you

# Now after all these years,
at last I'm pushing you about

# But in sickness and in health I love you

# In sickness and in health, I said I do #