In Sickness and in Health (1985–1992): Season 2, Episode 3 - In Sickness and in Health - full transcript
Mrs. Hollingbery's obsession with locking doors takes on new dimensions when she even locks Alf into his own flat but then he needs to go to toilet. Meanwhile the shopkeeper wants to call in Elsa's debts, and the milkman has some news about her gambling.
# Now my old darling,
they've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# Cos I'll probably starve to death,
that's what I'll do
- # For richer or poorer...
- Bloody poorer, that's a fact.
# Just cos in sickness and in health
I said I do
# In sickness and in health I said I do #
What does he bloody look like
in his soup and fish, eh?
Look like you ought to be waiting on that table,
not trying to play snooker on it.
Well, go on, then. Go on!
Have a go at it. Go on.
Try and get out of it.
You can't, can you?
It's no good staring at it, it won't go away.
No good going up that way. I see
what's in your mind, I see what you're thinking.
On that cushion, off the other one.
It's not going to work.
(TV: Applause)
Luck. Pure luck.
You jammy bugger, you.
I'll turn you off, do you hear me? Off, off, off.
I wouldn't have turned you on if I'd known
it was you, stroking your bloody head.
You Peruvian ponce, you!
And you Welsh poofter, get off.
Bloody adverts.
More bloody adverts.
Bloody crappy Kraut motorcars!
Heil Hitler!
We won the war.
Get off.
Oh, Gawd. Bloody BBC2 long-haired crap.
I'll give 'em Peacock all right.
I'll give 'em slot in the machine all right
for that rubbish.
Look at him,
standing there waving his bloody stick.
Why don't you wave your nose at 'em?
It's long enough.
It's you I'm talking to, ikey!
Bloody band's big enough, an' all, innit?
I've heard better music than that from Joe Loss,
with a band half that size.
Waste of bloody money. Who puts you on, eh?
Who puts you on?
One of your bum friends, was it? Get off!
Yeah. Gor blimey, you're still where you was,
ain't you?
You ain't even hit a ball since I've been gone,
have you?
Have you got anyone in here?
Yes, the room is full of them.
Can't you see them?
George, Fred, Mrs Hollingbery.
Mrs Hollingbery, George, Fred.
- Who was you talking to?
- George and Fred.
I heard voices.
Keep it down, fellas, will you?
You're disturbing her.
Listen. What's it got to do with you
if I have people in here at night, eh?
This ain't a boarding house, you're not
the landlady. This is my home, I live here.
Well, it might be your home,
but it's my home as well.
And I don't want you filling it with strangers
at this time of night.
They're not strangers.
I've known them for years.
And you've been introduced, ain't you?
- I heard voices.
- Ghosts.
The ghost of your husband,
come back to haunt you.
If he had any sense,
he'd haunt somebody else.
If I was a ghost, I wouldn't haunt you. Christ!
Go!
- I wish he would.
- That front door's not bolted.
Here we go again. No one's going to come in.
I'll bolt it before I go to bed.
Anyone could open that front door
and creep up my stairs.
- Who's...
- You wouldn't hear 'em.
Who's going to creep up your stairs
this time of night?
Strewth!
There was a woman my age,
old age pensioner,
raped, only the other night,
in those buildings round the corner.
Luck of the draw, innit?
Your turn next, perhaps, eh?
Go on, then! Pot it, if you're going to.
Pot the bloody thing, for crying out loud.
- What's the matter with you?
- It was you talking. Talking to yourself.
Gordon Bennett! Did you see that? Look, look.
His waistcoat button touched the ball.
Foul him, ref!
Foul him. Don't let him get away with that.
Are you blind? Don't let him get away with it.
Foul him.
Has your daughter seen you like this?
You bloody, lying, twisting, cheating Welsh git!
- You're not well.
- I'm not watching this bloody rubbish.
I'm going to bed.
There.
There, I've bolted the door.
There, you're safe now. No raving madman's
going to get you now, is he?
- Raving madman?
- He'd have to be, to come up your stairs.
You can sleep tight now.
No bogeyman is going to get you.
(Snoring)
All right?
Oh.
Bloody jammed.
No, it ain't. It's locked.
And the key's on the other side.
It's that bloody daft maniac upstairs.
Oi! Open this bloody door!
Christ, I'm busting. Oh!
Open this door. I want to have a...
Oh!
Ooh!
- Morning, Mr Garnett.
- Morning.
Erm...
Sod off. (Groans)
I'd better get on. I've got to...
A bit... Needs a bit of oil.
Ta-ta for now.
Ta-ta. Strewth!
- Morning, Mr Garnett.
- Oh!
- You're a bit early.
- Well, you got to clip 'em early, ain't you?
Early out here, I mean.
Erm... You're not dressed.
Mrs Hollingbery, I told you, she's mad.
- Is she?
- Oh, Gawd!
Ooh!
- What's he doing now?
- He's acting very strange.
- (Groans)
- He isn't dressed.
- Do you think he's all right?
- I'll kill her.
I don't know, dear. We shouldn't get involved.
He said he's clipping the bush.
At this time in the morning?
He's watering it.
Mrs Hollingbery! She keeps doing this.
She won't leave me alone.
I'm going to report her to the bloody council.
She's mad!
There she is.
You're bloody mad. I'll have you.
I'll have you for... Oh, Christ!
I'll get you for this. I'll pay you...
Oh, Gawd! Now look what you done!
I'll pay you out.
You cow! You bleeding cow, you're mad!
Oh! ow!
Hurt my foot now, cos of you. Never mind
laughing. I'll get my solicitor to write to you.
Where have you been? Jogging?
Going in for the marathon?
It's her, that barmy bitch. She locked me in.
- No, you mean out.
- In, in, in! She locked me in.
No, you're out now,
so you mean she locked you out.
I know what... She locked me in, the cow.
She locked me in.
They ought to lock you up, missus.
I'll have you locked up. I'll cut your nose off!
She... She's mad! They ought to lock her up.
Oh, God, I've got dog's do's all over my feet.
Shut up, the Lot of you!
Mad! I'll have you bloody locked up.
Oi! I want a word with you.
Someone should phone his daughter.
It's shock.
(Knock at door)
Erm...
- Oh, it's you.
- Yeah, it's me.
- Erm...
- Well, let me in.
(Hammering on door)
- I was just going out, actually.
- So?
- Well...
- What are you doing? Are you all right?
Yeah. Erm...
- Well...
- I didn't know you was coming, did I?
- So? I'm here, I want to come in.
- Yeah, but...
- (Hammering on door)
- You...
Erm... You should've let me know
you was coming.
What's that got to do with it?
Come on, let me in.
Oh, look, Dad, I don't want to stand
talking on the doorstep. I'm tired.
I've just come all the way from Liverpool.
(Muffled shouting and banging)
- What was that?
- I don't know.
- What's going on?
- Nothing.
She's all right. She's always like this.
She's on the change.
I get this all the time off of her.
- Get out of the way. Come on, let me in.
- Stop it.
Look, when Mr Johnson phoned and said you
was acting peculiar, I thought...
(Shrieking)
- What's that?
- Nothing. Anyway, she deserves it.
And whatever she says is lies. Bloody lies.
I'm sorry, Mrs Hollingbery.
- Dad! Where are you?
- I'll kill your dad.
I'll kill him, God forgive me!
- Dad?
= I'll swing for him. I could've been up there...
I could've been up there for a week.
Hello, Mr Garnett. Hello.
- I'm just saying to Marigold...
- Hey, hey, less of the Marigold.
It's Winston, if you don't mind.
All right, Gunga Din?
- Bloody immigrants, huh!
- Where have you been?
I'm sorry I couldn't make it this morning, bwana,
but I had to go to Heathrow, meet my cousin.
Gawd, ain't it marvellous?
They're flying them in now.
What's the hurry?
Couldn't he get on a banana boat?
He's fixed himself up with a job.
I had to go and show him his digs.
Gor blimey, four million unemployed,
they're flying his cousin in.
- What is he, a brain surgeon?
- A bricklayer.
A bricklayer? Has he got his own hod?
He likes to fly. I like to fly.
I fly whenever I can.
I flew up to Manchester
when West Ham played up there.
I flew up to Liverpool with 'em.
I fly to a lot of away games, I do.
Ain't it marvellous?
Jet-setters working for the local council now.
- Half ounce of St Bruno.
- Hey.
Mrs Hollingbery smells that, you won't be safe.
You'll be in for a hot time. Hsssss!
Yeah? If the coppers smell what you're going
to be smoking, you'll be in for a long time.
Mr Garnett,
I'm very, very sorry to hear of the loss
of your wonderful good lady.
A sorry business.
Yeah, well, happens to all of us, don't it?
Oh, yes, but it was a very sad loss to me.
It's a very sad loss to me, mate.
Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
But I have lost a very good customer.
And I have lost a very good wife!
Oh, yes. Oh, yes. But it was a bad blow to me,
her going like that.
So...sudden.
It was a very bad blow to me, an' all!
Oh, yes, a very bad blow.
But it has done me no good,
her going like that, so suddenly.
- What do you mean?
- Well, she went owing me a few pounds.
- That's a nice thing to say.
- I am not saying anything.
Not saying anything? Bringing that up,
maligning the woman now she gone?
Marigold, I am not maligning her,
I am not saying anything against her.
All I am saying is, if Mrs Garnett had gone
on Saturday, instead of Wednesday,
I'd be all right.
Because, you see, she always paid me Friday.
Look, I don't suppose
she wanted to go on Wednesday.
I dare say if she'd had her way,
she'd have preferred to wait till Saturday.
Or even longer.
If I'd had my way she wouldn't have gone at all
I'm in a mess with that bloody thing upstairs.
You don't think she went on a Wednesday
just to do you out of a few quid, do you?
I am not saying that.
AIL I am saying is, it has cost me money.
It's cost me money, Sabu.
It's cost me her pension and what she got
for sitting in that wheelchair of hers.
Yes, yes, yes, I am sure. But her going
on Wednesday is no good to me.
It is just my luck.
Just your luck? What about my bloody luck?
- And what about her Luck?
- You shut up.
My God, I am not blaming her.
Mrs Garnett was a very good customer
and a very good payer.
ALI I am saying is...
...he knows.
He comes into the shop.
He takes the groceries.
"Put them on the slate.
Mrs Garnett will pay you later.”
And she did. She always paid you.
Not now. She cannot pay me now.
That is what I am saying, Sambo.
(Outraged squeak)
This one orders. This Marigold orders.
"Put on the slate,
"put on the slate, put on the slate.”
- And then she passes on.
- Well, it's not my fault, is it?
- I am not saying it is your fault.
- Well, why are you telling me, then?
- What does Mr Garnett owe you?
- Mr Garnett don't owe nothing.
Mr Garnett owes for this tobacco.
That's all Mr Garnett owes for.
- Well, what Mrs Garnett owed...
- What Mrs Garnett owed, Mrs Garnett owed.
I am thinking this would happen.
It's all very well you saying my missus owed
you money. I mean, where's your proof, eh?
Any old Tom, Dick or Harry could come knocking,
saying your wife owes money.
If she's passed on,
she's not there to deny it to their face.
What proof have you...
That's what I'm talking about. Proof, mate!
Bills. Bills, mate!
That's what I want to see. Bills, signed.
Bills and statements, signed statements.
With signatures on them, John-John.
That's how we do business in this country,
John-John.
Signatures. Not by hearsay. I'm going to take
my custom elsewhere from now on.
- From now on, I buy British.
- Ha!
What do you think I am? Bleeding Japanese?
(Mouths)
Will you shut up? Will you keep quiet?
I 'am trying to talk to my daughter. Look.
First of all, she bolts me out of the house.
I can't get in.
It's pouring down with rain, I had to spend the
night over at the Johnsons on their bloody sofa.
Will you shut up and listen? Then she locks me
in my room, in my own room.
I had to climb out of the window to have a...
I mean, in my own house!
Tell her! Tell her I shouldn't
have to do that, not at my time of life.
- Tell her yourself. She's standing here.
- No, you tell her! I wouldn't talk to her.
Here, you tell him
I don't want him talking to me.
You tell her I wouldn't talk to her,
not if she was the last person on earth.
And you tell him
I wouldn't listen to him if he did.
Even if he was the last person on earth.
You tell her
I wouldn't waste my breath talking to her.
You tell him I wouldn't listen to him if he did.
Oh, you are making it hard for each other.
You've got to come to some arrangement.
(Knock at door)
Tell him there's someone
knocking on his front door.
You tell her it's her front door as well.
- Oh! He's got a key. Who gave him a key?
- I did.
- Why?
- So as he could get in, of course.
- Well, I don't like him having a key.
- It's none of your business.
Tell him it's my front door as well.
Oh, yeah, it's your front door
now there's nobody knocking on it.
- Hello, everyone's in a party mood, I see.
- Shut up, you.
- You want more money, I suppose?
- Whoa, whoa, keep your hair on.
Don't be facetious.
There is a bit of settling up to do.
Settling up. Marvellous.
More debts she's left for me.
She couldn't pay when she was in hospital.
Then I popped off on my holidays.
Anyway, I wasn't worried.
- You wasn't worried?
- No, I knew it'd be all right.
- He knew it'd be all right. That's marvellous.
- Yes.
Now, let's see.
Here we are. Milk, butter, eggs.
- Oh, a few small bets went down.
- Small bets! Gor blimey, gambling till the end!
Ah, yes. And there was one big bet.
A horse at New market. She really fancied it,
said it reminded her of you.
A sixty to one outsider, wearing blinkers.
She had five pound on it to win.
What a punter!
Five pound to win on a sixty to one outsider!
- Gor blimey!
- She was scared you'd find out.
Well, I have. Too late, that's the trouble.
- You'd have stopped it?
- Course I'd have bloody stopped it.
It's bad enough running up bills
without running up gambling debts as well.
Bloody women, they beggar you.
It's all right for you lot.
You've got your women's lib.
- What about us? What about your man's lib?
- Aah!
Yes, your man's lib.
Every debt a woman runs up, a man
is responsible. What are we, the keepers?
They take away your reins for controlling them,
and when they gallop off, spending your money,
we're held responsible.
They ought to have left that Mrs Pankhurst
chained to them bleeding railings.
I will appeal. I shall appeal.
I'll appeal to the European Court.
When I married her,
a woman's place was in the home.
- Oh...
- Yes, it was.
And the only money
that a woman was allowed to spend
was what her husband chose to give her.
- And I ain't paying for no daft bets...
- It won.
- What?
- It won.
Three hundred pounds.
Hey, do you know
what the name of the horse was?
Chauvinist Pig.
So, you going up the pub with your winnings,
then, Daddy?
Well, I'll just spend a bit of it, you know.
Have a little party.
I mean, you've to celebrate, ain't you?
I'm sure she would have wanted me to.
Yeah, I'm sure she would.
- You're coming over, ain't you?
- Later. I've just got to phone home first.
- By the way, Dad...
- What?
Erm... I've invited Mrs Hollingbery.
What?
I've invited Mrs Hollingbery.
You've what?
I think it's stupid,
the way you two are behaving.
You've got to make the effort.
You've got to try and be friendly.
No! Gor blimey, no, I don't want her there.
Blimey, it's a party, not a bloody wake.
I thought they were both the same to you,
just another excuse to get drunk.
- Look, I don't...
- Not that you need an excuse.
I don't want her at my party.
Bloody miserable cow, she is.
- She'll hear you.
- I don't care if she does hear me.
- Well, I've invited her now.
- Oh, Gawd!
- I think she likes you, really.
- Get off out of it.
Well, she does.
I mean, she's just overawed by you.
Overawed? Pfff!
Well, I mean,
she's never met a man like you before.
Her own man, her husband, was sort of...
Well, he was sort of ordinary.
And now she's confronted, she says, by erm...
...a strong willed, powerful,
devil-may-care, swashbuckling
macho man.
Clark Gable was her hero
when she was a little girl, so erm...
...I think you remind her of him.
And erm... when she's with you,
she just goes awful shy and awkward
and doesn't know how to respond.
Yeah, well...
I mean, perhaps I have been a bit hard on her.
Yeah, all right.
- Cheers. Cheers, Alf.
- Cheers, Alf.
To Else, a good woman.
To Else, wherever she may be.
She's up there, Arthur. That's where she'll be.
Seated upon his right hand.
Getting her just desserts
for the good life that she lived down here.
You do believe in heaven, don't you, Arthur?
I don't know, Alf.
I'd like to think there was a heaven and
that I'd be going up to better things,
but, well, I mean, if there is,
it depends a bit on who's running it, don't it?
- How do you mean?
- Well, I mean, it's... It's Lord God, innit?
It's not Fred God or Harry God.
It's Lord God, innit?
Don't sound much like
a working class heaven, do it?
I think it's the same old crowd running
it up there that's got it all down here.
From my experience, and what I've seen of God,
and his bishops and his synods,
the way they let go on down here,
I don't think he's much better
than Mrs Thatcher or Norman Tebbit.
Why should he be, Arthur?
Yeah, well, it's their world, ain't it?
I mean, it's their heaven.
- You want to know the truth?
- Yeah, I want to know the truth.
- Tell me the truth.
- Right, I'll tell you the unadulterated truth.
- Horse's mouth.
- Absolutely.
I think, I think that what's goin to happen
to anyone or anything
is what happens down here.
I reckon all we're put here for
is to make a few bob if we can,
have a good time spending it,
and then go quietly when they call time.
I mean, it's "I'm all right, Jack, sod you,"
and all the rest is frills.
No, no, there's got to be heaven, Arthur.
If there's a God, there's got to be heaven.
Otherwise, where else is he going to live? Eh?
Anyway, he's told us there's heaven, ain't he?
He promised it unto us, didn't he?
- And God don't tell lies, does he?
- No.
Not a politician, is he?
He don't have to rely on votes. I mean,
he's got nothing to gain from telling lies.
Besides of which, why did he
go to all the trouble to make all of this,
you and me, all the animals,
the stars, the universe and that.
And it's all written in the Good Book.
It's there in the Bible.
- The Good Lord, he made us in his own image.
- What, God looks like you?
No, not an exact resemblance.
No, God probably looks
more like Charlton Heston.
He probably made Charlton Heston
to play God in films.
Better than Reagan.
Mind you, he wasn't bad
in some of them cowboy films, was he?
- He was all right.
- But they never let him play a president.
They didn't even let him get the girl.
He had to be satisfied with a chimp.
- No, it was Clark Gable always got the girl.
- That's right.
No, you see,
what that means, he made us in his own image
means that he's made us perfect,
like his self.
- You, perfect?
- I ain't perfect. I'm not saying that.
I've got my faults. I know that.
What it means, perfect, is he has made us
perfect in build and in shape.
- In build and shape! Look at the state of him.
- Never mind laughing.
Look, my dear. Look at the wonder.
A hand, all right?
Look, do you see? There's another one. A hand.
See? And he give us four fingers and a thumb
on each hand.
He even thought of that. Two hands. And he
put them on the end of your arms, didn't he?
Where they would be most handy.
For handling your whisky.
Handling your cigar.
Which is why they're called hands, I suppose.
And look, look.
See, he give us a nose and two ears,
to hang your spectacles on.
But he never gave you no hair, did he?
Hair is mostly for monkeys.
Look at this one. He's got a face
like a busted sofa. Look at him.
Bwana, this is my cousin Christy.
The one I met at Heathrow, from Dublin.
(Heavy Irish accent)
Aar, b'Jesus, how ares yo use, Mr Garnett?
Bloody black-faced Mick!
(All) # When Irish eyes are smiling
- # Sure, it's like a morning spring
- Dad!
I've got to go now. I've got to catch my train.
But Winston's going to take me to the station,
so you don't have to worry, OK?
- I'm not worried.
- You enjoy yourself.
But listen, you be nice to Mrs Hollingbery,
please. OK?
I'll see you soon, eh?
- Oh, Dad!
- # When Irish eyes...
Look at him. He's out of his skull.
Come on, darling. Let's go.
# ..sure, they steal your heart...
# .away #
We hey!
# She wore a little jacket of blue... #
(Hums)
What... What about a nightcap, eh?
- Let's have a little nightcap.
- Your place or mine, hm?
You haven't bolted the door.
Frankly, Mrs Hollingbery,
I don't give a damn.
(A Look, I was drunk!
Look, I was drunk, I'm telling you.
# Now my old darling,
they've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her with all my heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# Cos I'll probably starve to death,
that's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer,
bloody poorer, that's a fact
# Just cos in sickness and in health
I said I do
# In sickness and in health I said I do #
they've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her with all me heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# Cos I'll probably starve to death,
that's what I'll do
- # For richer or poorer...
- Bloody poorer, that's a fact.
# Just cos in sickness and in health
I said I do
# In sickness and in health I said I do #
What does he bloody look like
in his soup and fish, eh?
Look like you ought to be waiting on that table,
not trying to play snooker on it.
Well, go on, then. Go on!
Have a go at it. Go on.
Try and get out of it.
You can't, can you?
It's no good staring at it, it won't go away.
No good going up that way. I see
what's in your mind, I see what you're thinking.
On that cushion, off the other one.
It's not going to work.
(TV: Applause)
Luck. Pure luck.
You jammy bugger, you.
I'll turn you off, do you hear me? Off, off, off.
I wouldn't have turned you on if I'd known
it was you, stroking your bloody head.
You Peruvian ponce, you!
And you Welsh poofter, get off.
Bloody adverts.
More bloody adverts.
Bloody crappy Kraut motorcars!
Heil Hitler!
We won the war.
Get off.
Oh, Gawd. Bloody BBC2 long-haired crap.
I'll give 'em Peacock all right.
I'll give 'em slot in the machine all right
for that rubbish.
Look at him,
standing there waving his bloody stick.
Why don't you wave your nose at 'em?
It's long enough.
It's you I'm talking to, ikey!
Bloody band's big enough, an' all, innit?
I've heard better music than that from Joe Loss,
with a band half that size.
Waste of bloody money. Who puts you on, eh?
Who puts you on?
One of your bum friends, was it? Get off!
Yeah. Gor blimey, you're still where you was,
ain't you?
You ain't even hit a ball since I've been gone,
have you?
Have you got anyone in here?
Yes, the room is full of them.
Can't you see them?
George, Fred, Mrs Hollingbery.
Mrs Hollingbery, George, Fred.
- Who was you talking to?
- George and Fred.
I heard voices.
Keep it down, fellas, will you?
You're disturbing her.
Listen. What's it got to do with you
if I have people in here at night, eh?
This ain't a boarding house, you're not
the landlady. This is my home, I live here.
Well, it might be your home,
but it's my home as well.
And I don't want you filling it with strangers
at this time of night.
They're not strangers.
I've known them for years.
And you've been introduced, ain't you?
- I heard voices.
- Ghosts.
The ghost of your husband,
come back to haunt you.
If he had any sense,
he'd haunt somebody else.
If I was a ghost, I wouldn't haunt you. Christ!
Go!
- I wish he would.
- That front door's not bolted.
Here we go again. No one's going to come in.
I'll bolt it before I go to bed.
Anyone could open that front door
and creep up my stairs.
- Who's...
- You wouldn't hear 'em.
Who's going to creep up your stairs
this time of night?
Strewth!
There was a woman my age,
old age pensioner,
raped, only the other night,
in those buildings round the corner.
Luck of the draw, innit?
Your turn next, perhaps, eh?
Go on, then! Pot it, if you're going to.
Pot the bloody thing, for crying out loud.
- What's the matter with you?
- It was you talking. Talking to yourself.
Gordon Bennett! Did you see that? Look, look.
His waistcoat button touched the ball.
Foul him, ref!
Foul him. Don't let him get away with that.
Are you blind? Don't let him get away with it.
Foul him.
Has your daughter seen you like this?
You bloody, lying, twisting, cheating Welsh git!
- You're not well.
- I'm not watching this bloody rubbish.
I'm going to bed.
There.
There, I've bolted the door.
There, you're safe now. No raving madman's
going to get you now, is he?
- Raving madman?
- He'd have to be, to come up your stairs.
You can sleep tight now.
No bogeyman is going to get you.
(Snoring)
All right?
Oh.
Bloody jammed.
No, it ain't. It's locked.
And the key's on the other side.
It's that bloody daft maniac upstairs.
Oi! Open this bloody door!
Christ, I'm busting. Oh!
Open this door. I want to have a...
Oh!
Ooh!
- Morning, Mr Garnett.
- Morning.
Erm...
Sod off. (Groans)
I'd better get on. I've got to...
A bit... Needs a bit of oil.
Ta-ta for now.
Ta-ta. Strewth!
- Morning, Mr Garnett.
- Oh!
- You're a bit early.
- Well, you got to clip 'em early, ain't you?
Early out here, I mean.
Erm... You're not dressed.
Mrs Hollingbery, I told you, she's mad.
- Is she?
- Oh, Gawd!
Ooh!
- What's he doing now?
- He's acting very strange.
- (Groans)
- He isn't dressed.
- Do you think he's all right?
- I'll kill her.
I don't know, dear. We shouldn't get involved.
He said he's clipping the bush.
At this time in the morning?
He's watering it.
Mrs Hollingbery! She keeps doing this.
She won't leave me alone.
I'm going to report her to the bloody council.
She's mad!
There she is.
You're bloody mad. I'll have you.
I'll have you for... Oh, Christ!
I'll get you for this. I'll pay you...
Oh, Gawd! Now look what you done!
I'll pay you out.
You cow! You bleeding cow, you're mad!
Oh! ow!
Hurt my foot now, cos of you. Never mind
laughing. I'll get my solicitor to write to you.
Where have you been? Jogging?
Going in for the marathon?
It's her, that barmy bitch. She locked me in.
- No, you mean out.
- In, in, in! She locked me in.
No, you're out now,
so you mean she locked you out.
I know what... She locked me in, the cow.
She locked me in.
They ought to lock you up, missus.
I'll have you locked up. I'll cut your nose off!
She... She's mad! They ought to lock her up.
Oh, God, I've got dog's do's all over my feet.
Shut up, the Lot of you!
Mad! I'll have you bloody locked up.
Oi! I want a word with you.
Someone should phone his daughter.
It's shock.
(Knock at door)
Erm...
- Oh, it's you.
- Yeah, it's me.
- Erm...
- Well, let me in.
(Hammering on door)
- I was just going out, actually.
- So?
- Well...
- What are you doing? Are you all right?
Yeah. Erm...
- Well...
- I didn't know you was coming, did I?
- So? I'm here, I want to come in.
- Yeah, but...
- (Hammering on door)
- You...
Erm... You should've let me know
you was coming.
What's that got to do with it?
Come on, let me in.
Oh, look, Dad, I don't want to stand
talking on the doorstep. I'm tired.
I've just come all the way from Liverpool.
(Muffled shouting and banging)
- What was that?
- I don't know.
- What's going on?
- Nothing.
She's all right. She's always like this.
She's on the change.
I get this all the time off of her.
- Get out of the way. Come on, let me in.
- Stop it.
Look, when Mr Johnson phoned and said you
was acting peculiar, I thought...
(Shrieking)
- What's that?
- Nothing. Anyway, she deserves it.
And whatever she says is lies. Bloody lies.
I'm sorry, Mrs Hollingbery.
- Dad! Where are you?
- I'll kill your dad.
I'll kill him, God forgive me!
- Dad?
= I'll swing for him. I could've been up there...
I could've been up there for a week.
Hello, Mr Garnett. Hello.
- I'm just saying to Marigold...
- Hey, hey, less of the Marigold.
It's Winston, if you don't mind.
All right, Gunga Din?
- Bloody immigrants, huh!
- Where have you been?
I'm sorry I couldn't make it this morning, bwana,
but I had to go to Heathrow, meet my cousin.
Gawd, ain't it marvellous?
They're flying them in now.
What's the hurry?
Couldn't he get on a banana boat?
He's fixed himself up with a job.
I had to go and show him his digs.
Gor blimey, four million unemployed,
they're flying his cousin in.
- What is he, a brain surgeon?
- A bricklayer.
A bricklayer? Has he got his own hod?
He likes to fly. I like to fly.
I fly whenever I can.
I flew up to Manchester
when West Ham played up there.
I flew up to Liverpool with 'em.
I fly to a lot of away games, I do.
Ain't it marvellous?
Jet-setters working for the local council now.
- Half ounce of St Bruno.
- Hey.
Mrs Hollingbery smells that, you won't be safe.
You'll be in for a hot time. Hsssss!
Yeah? If the coppers smell what you're going
to be smoking, you'll be in for a long time.
Mr Garnett,
I'm very, very sorry to hear of the loss
of your wonderful good lady.
A sorry business.
Yeah, well, happens to all of us, don't it?
Oh, yes, but it was a very sad loss to me.
It's a very sad loss to me, mate.
Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
But I have lost a very good customer.
And I have lost a very good wife!
Oh, yes. Oh, yes. But it was a bad blow to me,
her going like that.
So...sudden.
It was a very bad blow to me, an' all!
Oh, yes, a very bad blow.
But it has done me no good,
her going like that, so suddenly.
- What do you mean?
- Well, she went owing me a few pounds.
- That's a nice thing to say.
- I am not saying anything.
Not saying anything? Bringing that up,
maligning the woman now she gone?
Marigold, I am not maligning her,
I am not saying anything against her.
All I am saying is, if Mrs Garnett had gone
on Saturday, instead of Wednesday,
I'd be all right.
Because, you see, she always paid me Friday.
Look, I don't suppose
she wanted to go on Wednesday.
I dare say if she'd had her way,
she'd have preferred to wait till Saturday.
Or even longer.
If I'd had my way she wouldn't have gone at all
I'm in a mess with that bloody thing upstairs.
You don't think she went on a Wednesday
just to do you out of a few quid, do you?
I am not saying that.
AIL I am saying is, it has cost me money.
It's cost me money, Sabu.
It's cost me her pension and what she got
for sitting in that wheelchair of hers.
Yes, yes, yes, I am sure. But her going
on Wednesday is no good to me.
It is just my luck.
Just your luck? What about my bloody luck?
- And what about her Luck?
- You shut up.
My God, I am not blaming her.
Mrs Garnett was a very good customer
and a very good payer.
ALI I am saying is...
...he knows.
He comes into the shop.
He takes the groceries.
"Put them on the slate.
Mrs Garnett will pay you later.”
And she did. She always paid you.
Not now. She cannot pay me now.
That is what I am saying, Sambo.
(Outraged squeak)
This one orders. This Marigold orders.
"Put on the slate,
"put on the slate, put on the slate.”
- And then she passes on.
- Well, it's not my fault, is it?
- I am not saying it is your fault.
- Well, why are you telling me, then?
- What does Mr Garnett owe you?
- Mr Garnett don't owe nothing.
Mr Garnett owes for this tobacco.
That's all Mr Garnett owes for.
- Well, what Mrs Garnett owed...
- What Mrs Garnett owed, Mrs Garnett owed.
I am thinking this would happen.
It's all very well you saying my missus owed
you money. I mean, where's your proof, eh?
Any old Tom, Dick or Harry could come knocking,
saying your wife owes money.
If she's passed on,
she's not there to deny it to their face.
What proof have you...
That's what I'm talking about. Proof, mate!
Bills. Bills, mate!
That's what I want to see. Bills, signed.
Bills and statements, signed statements.
With signatures on them, John-John.
That's how we do business in this country,
John-John.
Signatures. Not by hearsay. I'm going to take
my custom elsewhere from now on.
- From now on, I buy British.
- Ha!
What do you think I am? Bleeding Japanese?
(Mouths)
Will you shut up? Will you keep quiet?
I 'am trying to talk to my daughter. Look.
First of all, she bolts me out of the house.
I can't get in.
It's pouring down with rain, I had to spend the
night over at the Johnsons on their bloody sofa.
Will you shut up and listen? Then she locks me
in my room, in my own room.
I had to climb out of the window to have a...
I mean, in my own house!
Tell her! Tell her I shouldn't
have to do that, not at my time of life.
- Tell her yourself. She's standing here.
- No, you tell her! I wouldn't talk to her.
Here, you tell him
I don't want him talking to me.
You tell her I wouldn't talk to her,
not if she was the last person on earth.
And you tell him
I wouldn't listen to him if he did.
Even if he was the last person on earth.
You tell her
I wouldn't waste my breath talking to her.
You tell him I wouldn't listen to him if he did.
Oh, you are making it hard for each other.
You've got to come to some arrangement.
(Knock at door)
Tell him there's someone
knocking on his front door.
You tell her it's her front door as well.
- Oh! He's got a key. Who gave him a key?
- I did.
- Why?
- So as he could get in, of course.
- Well, I don't like him having a key.
- It's none of your business.
Tell him it's my front door as well.
Oh, yeah, it's your front door
now there's nobody knocking on it.
- Hello, everyone's in a party mood, I see.
- Shut up, you.
- You want more money, I suppose?
- Whoa, whoa, keep your hair on.
Don't be facetious.
There is a bit of settling up to do.
Settling up. Marvellous.
More debts she's left for me.
She couldn't pay when she was in hospital.
Then I popped off on my holidays.
Anyway, I wasn't worried.
- You wasn't worried?
- No, I knew it'd be all right.
- He knew it'd be all right. That's marvellous.
- Yes.
Now, let's see.
Here we are. Milk, butter, eggs.
- Oh, a few small bets went down.
- Small bets! Gor blimey, gambling till the end!
Ah, yes. And there was one big bet.
A horse at New market. She really fancied it,
said it reminded her of you.
A sixty to one outsider, wearing blinkers.
She had five pound on it to win.
What a punter!
Five pound to win on a sixty to one outsider!
- Gor blimey!
- She was scared you'd find out.
Well, I have. Too late, that's the trouble.
- You'd have stopped it?
- Course I'd have bloody stopped it.
It's bad enough running up bills
without running up gambling debts as well.
Bloody women, they beggar you.
It's all right for you lot.
You've got your women's lib.
- What about us? What about your man's lib?
- Aah!
Yes, your man's lib.
Every debt a woman runs up, a man
is responsible. What are we, the keepers?
They take away your reins for controlling them,
and when they gallop off, spending your money,
we're held responsible.
They ought to have left that Mrs Pankhurst
chained to them bleeding railings.
I will appeal. I shall appeal.
I'll appeal to the European Court.
When I married her,
a woman's place was in the home.
- Oh...
- Yes, it was.
And the only money
that a woman was allowed to spend
was what her husband chose to give her.
- And I ain't paying for no daft bets...
- It won.
- What?
- It won.
Three hundred pounds.
Hey, do you know
what the name of the horse was?
Chauvinist Pig.
So, you going up the pub with your winnings,
then, Daddy?
Well, I'll just spend a bit of it, you know.
Have a little party.
I mean, you've to celebrate, ain't you?
I'm sure she would have wanted me to.
Yeah, I'm sure she would.
- You're coming over, ain't you?
- Later. I've just got to phone home first.
- By the way, Dad...
- What?
Erm... I've invited Mrs Hollingbery.
What?
I've invited Mrs Hollingbery.
You've what?
I think it's stupid,
the way you two are behaving.
You've got to make the effort.
You've got to try and be friendly.
No! Gor blimey, no, I don't want her there.
Blimey, it's a party, not a bloody wake.
I thought they were both the same to you,
just another excuse to get drunk.
- Look, I don't...
- Not that you need an excuse.
I don't want her at my party.
Bloody miserable cow, she is.
- She'll hear you.
- I don't care if she does hear me.
- Well, I've invited her now.
- Oh, Gawd!
- I think she likes you, really.
- Get off out of it.
Well, she does.
I mean, she's just overawed by you.
Overawed? Pfff!
Well, I mean,
she's never met a man like you before.
Her own man, her husband, was sort of...
Well, he was sort of ordinary.
And now she's confronted, she says, by erm...
...a strong willed, powerful,
devil-may-care, swashbuckling
macho man.
Clark Gable was her hero
when she was a little girl, so erm...
...I think you remind her of him.
And erm... when she's with you,
she just goes awful shy and awkward
and doesn't know how to respond.
Yeah, well...
I mean, perhaps I have been a bit hard on her.
Yeah, all right.
- Cheers. Cheers, Alf.
- Cheers, Alf.
To Else, a good woman.
To Else, wherever she may be.
She's up there, Arthur. That's where she'll be.
Seated upon his right hand.
Getting her just desserts
for the good life that she lived down here.
You do believe in heaven, don't you, Arthur?
I don't know, Alf.
I'd like to think there was a heaven and
that I'd be going up to better things,
but, well, I mean, if there is,
it depends a bit on who's running it, don't it?
- How do you mean?
- Well, I mean, it's... It's Lord God, innit?
It's not Fred God or Harry God.
It's Lord God, innit?
Don't sound much like
a working class heaven, do it?
I think it's the same old crowd running
it up there that's got it all down here.
From my experience, and what I've seen of God,
and his bishops and his synods,
the way they let go on down here,
I don't think he's much better
than Mrs Thatcher or Norman Tebbit.
Why should he be, Arthur?
Yeah, well, it's their world, ain't it?
I mean, it's their heaven.
- You want to know the truth?
- Yeah, I want to know the truth.
- Tell me the truth.
- Right, I'll tell you the unadulterated truth.
- Horse's mouth.
- Absolutely.
I think, I think that what's goin to happen
to anyone or anything
is what happens down here.
I reckon all we're put here for
is to make a few bob if we can,
have a good time spending it,
and then go quietly when they call time.
I mean, it's "I'm all right, Jack, sod you,"
and all the rest is frills.
No, no, there's got to be heaven, Arthur.
If there's a God, there's got to be heaven.
Otherwise, where else is he going to live? Eh?
Anyway, he's told us there's heaven, ain't he?
He promised it unto us, didn't he?
- And God don't tell lies, does he?
- No.
Not a politician, is he?
He don't have to rely on votes. I mean,
he's got nothing to gain from telling lies.
Besides of which, why did he
go to all the trouble to make all of this,
you and me, all the animals,
the stars, the universe and that.
And it's all written in the Good Book.
It's there in the Bible.
- The Good Lord, he made us in his own image.
- What, God looks like you?
No, not an exact resemblance.
No, God probably looks
more like Charlton Heston.
He probably made Charlton Heston
to play God in films.
Better than Reagan.
Mind you, he wasn't bad
in some of them cowboy films, was he?
- He was all right.
- But they never let him play a president.
They didn't even let him get the girl.
He had to be satisfied with a chimp.
- No, it was Clark Gable always got the girl.
- That's right.
No, you see,
what that means, he made us in his own image
means that he's made us perfect,
like his self.
- You, perfect?
- I ain't perfect. I'm not saying that.
I've got my faults. I know that.
What it means, perfect, is he has made us
perfect in build and in shape.
- In build and shape! Look at the state of him.
- Never mind laughing.
Look, my dear. Look at the wonder.
A hand, all right?
Look, do you see? There's another one. A hand.
See? And he give us four fingers and a thumb
on each hand.
He even thought of that. Two hands. And he
put them on the end of your arms, didn't he?
Where they would be most handy.
For handling your whisky.
Handling your cigar.
Which is why they're called hands, I suppose.
And look, look.
See, he give us a nose and two ears,
to hang your spectacles on.
But he never gave you no hair, did he?
Hair is mostly for monkeys.
Look at this one. He's got a face
like a busted sofa. Look at him.
Bwana, this is my cousin Christy.
The one I met at Heathrow, from Dublin.
(Heavy Irish accent)
Aar, b'Jesus, how ares yo use, Mr Garnett?
Bloody black-faced Mick!
(All) # When Irish eyes are smiling
- # Sure, it's like a morning spring
- Dad!
I've got to go now. I've got to catch my train.
But Winston's going to take me to the station,
so you don't have to worry, OK?
- I'm not worried.
- You enjoy yourself.
But listen, you be nice to Mrs Hollingbery,
please. OK?
I'll see you soon, eh?
- Oh, Dad!
- # When Irish eyes...
Look at him. He's out of his skull.
Come on, darling. Let's go.
# ..sure, they steal your heart...
# .away #
We hey!
# She wore a little jacket of blue... #
(Hums)
What... What about a nightcap, eh?
- Let's have a little nightcap.
- Your place or mine, hm?
You haven't bolted the door.
Frankly, Mrs Hollingbery,
I don't give a damn.
(A Look, I was drunk!
Look, I was drunk, I'm telling you.
# Now my old darling,
they've laid her down to rest
# And now I'm missing her with all my heart
# But they don't give a monkey's
down the DHSS
# And they've gone and halved me pension
for a start
# So it won't be very long
before I'm by her side
# Cos I'll probably starve to death,
that's what I'll do
# For richer or poorer,
bloody poorer, that's a fact
# Just cos in sickness and in health
I said I do
# In sickness and in health I said I do #