In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 5, Episode 8 - Sam Kinison: Live from Hell - full transcript
WANDA HAS SEARCHED HIGH AND
LOW FOR THE FATHER OF HER BABY.
HAS SHE FINALLY
LOOKED LOW ENOUGH?
HEY. HELLO? CAN YOU HEAR ME?
UH, LOOK, ANYWAY, WILD
THING, THIS IS WANDA WAYNE.
I MET YOU DOWN AT THE CHUNKY MONKEY
AND THAT'S WHERE YOU PICKED ME UP.
WELL, ACTUALLY, I PICKED YOU UP 'CAUSE
YOU KNOW YOU WAS DRUNK AND STUFF...
AND I "DRUG" YOU OFF AND STUFF.
YOU WAS SO HEAVY. LOOK,
COME ON AND OPEN UP
'CAUSE I GOT A WONDERFUL
SURPRISE FOR YOU.
DID YOU KNOW YOU WAS A DADDY?
YOU ABOUT TO HAVE BIRF. B-I-R-F.
SO ANYWAY, YOU NEED TO OPEN UP AND STUFF.
DON'T BE PLAYIN' HARD TO GET AND STUFF.
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHIN'. WHY
YOU CHANGE YOU NAME AND STUFF...
AND GOT IN THE WITNESS
PROTECTION PROGRAM?
THAT WASN'T EVEN RIGHT. THAT
WASN'T RIGHT TO DO ME LIKE THAT.
ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS OWN
UP TO YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES.
BUT I THINK IT'S REAL CUTE HOW YOU
TRYIN' TO PLAY HARD TO GET AND ALL.
SO I GUESS I'M GONNA HAVE TO
USE ONE OF MY LITTLE WANDA TRICKS.
I REALLY DON'T MEAN TO
DO THIS, BUT JUST BILL ME.
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
- ♪ TAKE IT FROM ME
IT'S A'IGHT TO BE ♪
- HI-YAH!
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ AND HOW WOULD YA... HOW
WOULD YA... HOW WOULD YA F... ♪
♪ HOW WOULD YOU FEEL KNOWING
PREJUDICE WAS OBSOLETE ♪
♪ AND ALL MANKIND
DANCED TO THE EXACT BEAT ♪
♪ AND AT NIGHT IT WAS SAFE
TO WALK DOWN THE STREET ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪
HBO PRESENTS ONE OF THE HOTTEST
COMEDY SPECIALS OF THE YEAR...
IT'S SAM KINISON...
LIVE FROM HELL!
WHAT'S HAPPENIN', HADES?
YEAH, YEAH, OH-OH!
YEAH!
YOU KNOW, PEOPLE KEEP
ASKING ME, SAM, WHAT SUCKS,
WHAT SUCKS ABOUT HELL?
WELL, I'LL TELL YOU. IT'S HOT!
I MEAN, IT'S HOT A LOT! AND
IT'S NOT A DRY HEAT, MISTER! NO!
BUT I KNEW I WAS IN HELL...
WHEN THEY PIPED ANDREW DICE
CLAY INTO MY DRESSING ROOM!
BUT IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK. IT'S NICE TO BE
HERE TONIGHT IN THE LEE ATWATER ROOM.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU
PEOPLE ARE CHEERING ABOUT.
I'M NOT SURE WHAT'S
WORSE DOWN HERE,
THE FOOD OR THE
PAINFUL RECTAL SPASMS.
- YOU GET 'EM ABOUT EVERY FOUR MINUTES!
- HERE COME ANOTHER ONE NOW!
OH, YOU LOVE IT, ELVIS, YOU
DIED ON THE TOILET! OW, OW!
GIVE ME A PERCODAN, MAN!
THE OTHER DAY, I
RAN INTO LIBERACE.
AND HE STARTS HASSLING
ME ABOUT MY ACT... LIBERACE!
I SAID, AT LEAST I DIED LIKE A
MAN, NOT WITH ONE! COME ON!
WHEN THEY PULLED ME OUT OF MY
CAR, THERE WAS LIQUOR ON MY BREATH.
WHAT WAS ON YOURS, LIBBY?
HUH? WHAT WAS ON YOURS?
OW, OW!
OH, YOU LOVE IT!
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT'S WEIRD ABOUT
HELL? WHO'S HERE AND WHO ISN'T.
I MEAN, WHO THOUGHT DANNY
THOMAS WOULD BE HERE, HUH?
I GOT A LITTLE QUESTION
FOR YA, WHERE IS HITLER?
WHERE'S HITLER? HE
KILLED SIX MILLION PEOPLE!
YOU THINK YOU MIGHT
RUN INTO HIM SOMEWHERE!
THE SNACK BAR, THE LAKE OF
FIRE, I DON'T KNOW, WHERE'S HITLER?
YEAH!
MY FAVORITE MAN DOWN HERE, OF
COURSE, THE BIG MAN HIMSELF, SATAN.
THAT'S RIGHT. SATAN. WE
USED TO CALL HIM "PRINCE,"
"PRINCE OF DARKNESS..." TILL HE
CHANGED HIS NAME TO A SYMBOL!
YOU KNOW HE DID IT TO MEET
CHICKS. HE'S A LOSER, HE'S A LOSER!
NO, I'M JUST KIDDING YA, MAN.
HE'S HERE TONIGHT, MY MAN
SATAN, GIVE IT UP FOR HIM!
YEAH!
YOU'VE BEEN A GREAT CROWD, I'M HERE
THROUGH ETERNITY! SEE YA LATER, HELL! YEAH!
HI! I'M SUSIE, YOUR AT&T OPERATOR,
HERE TO TELL YOU ABOUT A NEW PLAN...
THAT CAN SAVE YOU MONEY ON ALL THOSE
LONG DISTANCE PHONE CALLS YOU MAKE...
TO THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE WHO'S
NEVER OUT OF YOUR THOUGHTS.
UH, HEY, MY NAME TINY.
I USED TO HAVE REAL BIG PHONE BILL,
BUT WITH AT&T FREQUENT CALLER PLAN,
I CAN SAVE AS MUCH AS 50% ON THE
CALLS I MAKE TO THIS HERE WOMAN...
WHO'S SO SEXY, SHE MAKE ME...
HELLO?
UH, UH... IS THIS MISS RYERSON?
YES. WHO IS THIS?
UH, UH... DO YOU HAVE
BIG "BREAST-ES-ES"?
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME!
NO, WAIT, HOLD UP MISS
LADY, HOLD UP! UH, UH...
DO YOU HAVE REAL, REAL,
REAL BIG BREAST-ES-ES?
WITH AT&T FREQUENT CALLER PLAN,
YOU'LL SAVE SO MUCH, YOU'LL FIND
YOURSELF CALLING OVER AND OVER...
AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!
HELLO, I'M CALLING FROM THE
AMERICAN BRA ASSOCIATION.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
THIS IS A MATTER OF NATIONAL SECURITY,
MA'AM. WHAT SIZE BRA DO YOU WEAR?
A 36 D. WHY? OOH. OOH.
THEN YOU MUST HAVE REAL BIG
BREAST-ES-ES! I-I WANNA TOUCH 'EM!
REMEMBER, THE MORE YOU
CALL, THE MORE YOU'LL SAVE!
THE NUMBER YOU HAVE DIALED HAS BEEN
DISCONNECTED! GIMME THE PHONE, MAN!
MAN, I GOTTA MAKE MORE
CALLS, LITTLE MAN! HEY!
I GOTTA HAVE THOSE BIG, BOUNCY,
BREAST-ES-ES! I WANT THOSE BREAST-ES-ES!
AT&T FREQUENT CALLER PLAN.
NOW YOU CAN BE OBSESSED
BY THE ONE YOU LOVE,
NOT BY YOUR PHONE BILL!
BUT I TELL YOU WHAT.
BUT I TELL YOU WHAT.
I GOT SOMETHIN' TO
SHOW YOU. IF YOU THINK
THIS IS HOT, WAIT TILL
YOU GET A LOAD OF ME.
I HOPE YOU GOT ENOUGH FUEL
FOR MY BIKINI WAX LATER ON,
'CAUSE I TELL YOU WHAT, WE
GONNA WELD EACH OTHER TOGETHER.
WAX! FLAME ON!
I'LL ROCK YO' WORLD.
♪♪ ♪ COME ON, COME
ON, YEAH EVERY DAY, GIRL ♪
♪ I WANT TO SHOW YA EVERYTHING
THAT YOU ARE TO ME COME ON ♪
♪ YEAH, UH ♪
♪ I WANNA SHOW YOU
THAT YOU ARE MY LADY ♪
♪ I WANT TO SHOW YOU
EVERYTHING YOU ARE TO ME ♪
♪ I WANNA HOLD YOU
'CAUSE YOU ARE MY LADY ♪
♪ I WANNA SHOW YOU
EVERYTHING YOU ARE TO ME ♪
♪ YEAH ♪ ♪ BABY GIRL, TIGHT
CURLS IN MY WORLD LIKE ♪
♪ BRIGHT LIGHTS SHININ'
DEEP INTO MY NIGHT MIGHT ♪
♪ KEEP YOU IN MY
SIGHT I PARTICIPATE ♪
♪ IN YOUR LIFE LIKE A
TRUE MAN SHOULD WHO ♪
♪ WANT TO DEMONSTRATE,
POPULATE ACTIVATE ♪
♪ WHEN THEY SEE US, ALL THESE
THUGS WANT TO PLAYA-HATE ♪
♪ I REMEMBER WHEN WE
FIRST MET FIRST DATE ♪
♪ I WAS LATE, KIND OF WILD WHEN I
THOUGHT OF YOU ♪ ♪ I WANT TO SHOW YOU ♪♪
HELLO, EVERYONE. WHY
DON'T WE ALL SIT DOWN?
UH, FIRST OF ALL, WELCOME
TO GROUP THERAPY.
NOW, SOME OF YOU, I HAVE
HAD AS INDIVIDUAL PATIENTS,
BUT I REALLY FELT THAT, UM,
WE'LL BE ABLE TO PROGRESS
A LITTLE FASTER AS A GROUP,
PROVIDED WE CREATE
AN ATMOSPHERE OF TRUST,
SENSITIVITY, AND
HONEST COMMUNICATION.
SO, WHO'D LIKE TO
START OFF FIRST?
- FRANK?
- UM, THIS IS KIND OF
HARD FOR ME.
IT'S OKAY, FRANK,
YOU'RE AMONG FRIENDS.
WELL, DOCTOR, UH, YEAH...
I THINK I MIGHT BE GAY.
YOU... THINK YOU MIGHT BE?
THAT'S AN UNDERSTATEMENT. THAT'S
THE UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR!
YOU THINK YOU MIGHT BE GAY?
NO, NO, DON'T BE
RIDICULOUS, FRANK, I GUESS...
A LOT OF STRAIGHT MEN LIKE TO
WAKE UP STARING AT ANOTHER MAN'S...
PIMPLY, SAGGING BUTTOCKS
RIGHT IN THEIR FACE.
WELL, DOCTOR, I DON'T
APPRECIATE YOUR SARCASM.
OKAY, WELL, HERE'S A QUICK POP QUIZ.
WHO WON THE SUPER BOWL LAST YEAR?
WHAT'S A SUPER BOWL? MM-HMM.
- HOW MANY JUDY GARLAND
RECORDS DO YOU HAVE?
- TWENTY-SEVEN!
BINGO! GET OUT OF
MY FACE, YOU SISSY!
DOCTOR, THAT WAS WRONG,
WHAT YOU SAID TO FRANK.
OH, I'M SORRY MARIANNE, I
WAS JUST CONFRONTING HIM...
SO THAT HE COULD REALIZE
HOW GAY HE REALLY IS.
LISTEN. ANYWAY, WHILE WE'RE
TALKING ABOUT IT, COME ON UP.
I WANT TO DO A LITTLE ANGER EXERCISE WITH
YOU, SINCE YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY VERY ANGRY.
BUT I'M NOT ANGRY. YES, YOU ARE.
NOW, I WANT YOU TO HIT THIS
PILLOW AND SAY, "I AM ANGRY."
I AM ANGRY. SEE, DOES
THAT FEEL BETTER?
NO, BECAUSE I WASN'T ANGRY.
OH, COME ON, DON'T TELL ME...
THAT YOUR PIMP DADDY NEVER
HIT YOU UPSIDE YOUR HEAD...
WHEN YOU WERE SELLING
YOUR BODY FOR CRACK!
I-I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU
THAT IN CONFIDENCE!
WELL, YOU THOUGHT WRONG.
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU
PEOPLE ARE SO SELFISH.
"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU THAT IN CONFIDENCE!"
"YEAH, I THINK I MIGHT BE GAY."
YOU'RE ALWAYS COMPLAINING WHEN
THERE ARE PEOPLE HERE IN LEGITIMATE PAIN.
LIKE PAULA, FOR INSTANCE.
PAULA SUFFERED A LOSS. PAULA?
UMM, MY HUSBAND
WAS IN A CAR ACCIDENT...
AND I'M STILL FEELING A LOT
OF PAIN OVER WHAT HAPPENED.
AND, WELL, WHO
WOULD NOT FEEL PAIN...
AFTER THEY WATCHED
THEIR VERY OWN HUSBAND...
GET SMASHED BY A RUNAWAY
TRUCK GOING 90 MILES AN HOUR.
AND I SAW IT HAPPEN.
IT WAS RIGHT OUTSIDE THIS OFFICE.
I MEAN, HE REALLY WENT FLYING.
BANG!
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?
PAULA, I'M JUST
TRYING TO TELL YOU...
THAT DENIAL IS THE
WORST STATE TO BE IN.
YOU'VE GOT TO REALIZE HOW
DEAD YOUR HUSBAND REALLY IS.
BOY, AND I MEAN... THE
LOOK ON PAULA'S FACE,
IT'S ONE OF THOSE TIMES YOU WISH
YOU HAD A CAMERA, BUT YOU JUST DON'T.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
- "OH MY GOD!"
I MEAN, THAT GRILLE JUST
CRINKLED HIM LIKE A COTTAGE FRY!
THAT BOY LOOKED LIKE
A STRAWBERRY SUNDAE.
OH, GET OFF ME, YOU SISSY! HERE.
HERE HIT MY PILLOW. YOU'LL FEEL BETTER.
OH, PAULA WILL
JUST BE ALL RIGHT.
SHE'S PROBABLY AT
"THAT TIME" OR SOMETHING.
WELL, I THINK THAT THERE WAS A LOT
OF HONESTY AND SHARING HERE TONIGHT.
UH, NEXT WEEK, I REALLY
WANT US TO ALL FOCUS...
ON THOSE WITH THE SECRET SHAME OF
NECROPHILIA... AND THAT MEANS YOU, PHIL.
I'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME.
♪♪
♪ NOW, EVERYBODY
IN THE PLACE TO BE ♪
♪ PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE
AIR WITH ME, COME ON, DO IT ♪
♪ DO IT, Y'ALL YEAH, COME ON ♪
♪ DO IT, DO IT, Y'ALL YEAH ♪
♪ KEEP ON NOW, EVERYBODY
IN THE PLACE TO BE ♪
♪ PUT YO' HANDS IN THE AIR WITH
ME, COME ON DO IT, DO IT, Y'ALL ♪
♪ Y'ALL, COME ON DO IT, DO IT,
Y'ALL ♪ ♪ IT'S JUST LIKE THAT ♪
♪ ROCK, IT'S JUST LIKE
THAT PUT YO' HANDS, DO IT ♪
♪ HANDS, DO IT JUST DO IT ♪
♪ BUT WAIT, DON'T DO IT ♪
♪ GO, GO ♪
♪ IT'S JUST LIKE THAT, HA
HA, IT'S JUST LIKE THAT ♪
♪ LET YO' HANDS DO IT ♪♪
THIS... IS... THE DIRTY DOZENS!
NOW ENTERING OUR STUDIO,
OUR RETURNING CHAMPION,
A BICYCLE MESSENGER FROM
UPTOWN NEW YORK, T-DOG JENKINS!
A NIGHT PRISON GUARD FROM
HUNTSVILLE, TEXAS, SONYA WINSLOW!
AND A ROCKET SCIENTIST FROM
CARSON CITY, NEVADA, LEONARD DINKINS!
AND NOW THE HOST OF
DIRTY DOZENS, STU DUNFEY!
THANK YOU SO MUCH. HELLO, AND
WELCOME TO THE DIRTY DOZENS,
WHERE TALKIN' TRASH
CAN GET YOU CASH,
AND YOU'LL TAKE HOME THE
BANK IF YOUR MAMA IS STANK.
ALL RIGHTY, LET'S LOOK AT
OUR CATEGORIES TONIGHT.
MAMA'S SO HAIRY, MAMA'S SO OLD,
MAMA'S TEETH SO YELLOW,
AND STARTS WITH "F."
T-DOG, YOU'RE OUR
CHAMPION. START US OFF.
THANK YOU, STU. I WILL TAKE
YO' MAMA SO HAIRY FOR 100.
"YOUR MAMA'S SO HAIRY..."
YO' MAMA'S SO HAIRY, HER ARMPITS LOOK
LIKE SHE GOT DON KING IN A HEADLOCK!
YES!
ON THE BOARD FOR 100. AND NOW, LET'S REVEAL
THE FIRST PLAY OF TODAY'S "MYSTERY DIS."
CARE TO VENTURE A GUESS, SONYA?
FROM THAT LITTLE PIECE
OF NOTHING? WHAT DO I
LOOK LIKE? DIONNE
WARWICK'S PSYCHIC FRIEND?
LOOKS LIKE SONYA'S
INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE.
LET ME REMIND YOU, I'M MERELY THE
HOST OF THE SHOW. NOW PICK A CATEGORY.
ALL RIGHT, UM, LET'S STICK
WITH MAMA SO HAIRY, STU.
"YOUR MAMA'S SO HAIRY..."
YO' MAMA SO HAIRY, BIGFOOT
TAKE PICTURES OF HER!
YES! AN EXTREMELY
HAIRY MAMA INDEED!
T-DOG, YOU HAVE
CONTROL OF THE BOARD.
LET US TRY STARTS
WITH "F" FOR 100, STUNESS.
FIRST TIME IN THAT
CATEGORY. WHAT'LL IT BE?
OOH. "YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT..."
YO' MAMA SO FAT,
SHE BUNGEE-JUMPED AND
WENT STRAIGHT TO HELL.
CORRECT! YOU RETAIN CONTROL.
I WILL TAKE "THINGS THAT
START WITH 'F'" FOR 200, STU.
OH! YOU'VE HAPPENED
UPON OUR DAILY DOZEN.
NO NEED TO BE AFRAID, T-DOG.
HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT TO WAGER?
OH, OH, STRAIGHT TA-RUM,
ER, UH, TARA, AH-RUM, AH...
I'LL WAGER 300, STU.
ALL RIGHT, FOR 300 AND THE LEAD,
THE "STARTS WITH 'F'" CATEGORY IS...
"YOUR MAMA'S SO FUNKY..."
SO FUNKY. THINK ABOUT IT.
NEED AN ANSWER!
UH, YO' MAMA'S
DRAWERS IS SO FUNKY,
THE ROACHES CHECK IN
BUT THEY DON'T CHECK OUT!
"F" TO THE "U" TO THE "N,"
TO THE "K" TO THE "Y," FUNKY.
- THREE HUNDRED POINTS!
- I THINK I WILL TAKE
YO' MAMA'S SO OLD FOR 100.
"YO' MAMA SO OLD..." LEONARD?
YOUR MAMA'S SO OLD, HER FIRST
COMPUTER WAS A UNIVAC 200...
WITH A 16K RAM AND A MAGNETIC
TAPE DATA STORAGE SYSTEM.
JUDGES?
OH, NO. WE CAN'T ACCEPT THAT.
COME ON! THE UNIVAC'S
A VIRTUAL DINOSAUR!
- ANYONE ELSE?
- YO' MAMA SO OLD,
SHE'S IN JESUS' YEARBOOK!
NOT A YOUNG MAMA.
SONYA, WHERE TO?
UM, TEETH SO YELLOW FOR 200.
- "YOUR MAMA'S TEETH SO YELLOW..."
- YOUR MAMA'S TEETH SO YELLOW,
WHEN SHE YAWNS,
TRAFFIC JUST SLOWS DOWN.
LET'S SEE, STU. I THINK I WILL
TAKE TEETH SO YELLOW FOR 300.
"YO' MAMA'S TEETH SO
YELLOW..." LEONARD?
YOUR MAMA'S TEETH SO YELLOW,
WHEN SHE EXPECTORATES,
THE DISCHARGE RESEMBLES THE COAGULATED
MAMMARIAN FATS OF A DOMESTICATED BOVINE.
JUDGES?
I'M SORRY, LEONARD, BUT WE JUST
DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
COME ON! THE BITCH'S TEETH
ARE SO YELLOW, SHE SPITS BUTTER!
ALL RIGHT!
LEONARD IN THE HOUSE WITH 300!
OH, AND THAT SIGNALS THE
END OF REGULAR DOZENS,
SO AT THIS POINT,
WE'LL CLEAR THE BOARD,
AND TAKE A LOOK AT
TONIGHT'S MYSTERY DIS.
FOR 500 POINTS AND THE GAME...
YO' MAMA SO UGLY, SHE HAD TO GET HER BABY
DRUNK JUST SO SHE COULD BREAST-FEED IT.
YES! AND T-DOG,
WITH 1,300 POINTS,
REMAINS CHAMPION!
ALL RIGHT, T-DOG.
OH, NICELY PLAYED.
YOU'RE TODAY'S WINNER.
AND THAT MEANS YOU'LL BE DISSING
IN THE BONUS ROUND FOR A NEW CAR!
AH-HA-HA-HO! OH, HO-HO!
HERE'S WHAT YOU
DO TO TAKE IT HOME.
THE DRIVER OF THE CAR IS
MONTEZ. YO, WHAT'S UP, STU?
YOU HAVE ONE MINUTE TO
DIS MONTEZ SO VICIOUSLY...
THAT HE GETS OUT OF THE CAR
TO TEACH YOUR BUTT A LESSON.
IF YOU DO THAT, THE CAR IS
YOURS. OTHERWISE, MONTEZ,
YOU GET TO KEEP THE CAR!
ONE MINUTE ON THE
CLOCK. AND... START DISSIN'!
YEAH, WHAT'S UP, YOUR MAMA'S
SO BLACK, SHE BLEEDS SMOKE.
NICE TRY, MAN. BUT
DAMIAN "FOOTBALL"
WILLIAMS COULDN'T GET
ME TO "UNASS" THIS CAR.
YEAH, WELL YOUR MAMA'S HOUSE SO DUSTY,
THE ROACHES RIDE AROUND ON DUNE BUGGIES.
MAN, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST GIVE UP, MAN?
YO, YO' MAMA SO FAT,
HER BLOOD TYPE IS RAGU.
WEAK.
YO, YO' MAMA SO UGLY, SHE GOTTA
TRICK-OR-TREAT OVER THE PHONE.
IT'S TIRED, MAN. THAT
DON'T EVEN BOTHER ME, MAN.
YEAH, YEAH, YO' MAMA SO SHORT, YOU
CAN SEE HER FEET ON HER DRIVER'S LICENSE!
LOOK MAN, WHY DON'T
YOU RAISE UP? YEAH, YEAH.
YEAH, LIKE I SAY, YO' MAMA LIKE THE
PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY. EVERYBODY POKE HER.
I'M GONNA BUST YOUR
A... ONE MORE TIME.
LIKE I SAID, YEAH.
YO' MAMA SO STANKY...
YO' MAMA SO STANKY, SHE GETS
SOURDOUGH YEAST INFECTIONS!
NOW, WHO TOLD YOU? I'M
GONNA KILL YOU! HO, HO!
HE DID IT! T-DOG WINS THE CAR!
AND THAT'S ALL THE
TIME WE HAVE TONIGHT.
JOIN US NEXT TIME WHEN WE'LL BE
DISSIN' FOR DOLLARS ON THE DIRTY DOZENS.
I'M AUDI 5000. PEACE!
THE DIRTY DOZENS HAS BEEN
BROUGHT TO YOU BY YO MAMA'S CAKES.
EVERYBODY DOESN'T LIKE
SOMETHING, BUT NOBODY LIKES YO MAMA!
READY OR NOT, BABY, HERE I COME.
JUST CALL ME THE TERMINATOR.
YOU CAN'T KEEP YOUR
LOVE NEST AWAY FROM ME.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WAS
THINKIN', 'CAUSE I TELL YOU WHAT:
WHEN I BUST IN, I WANT
YOU TO BE BUTT-NAKED
AND I WANT YOU TO BE
STANDIN' AT ATTENTION.
OKAY, OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
THIS IS A LITTLE TOUGH.
AND YOU LUCKY I'M A
STRONG, LOVELY WOMAN.
'CAUSE THE AVERAGE WOMAN WOULD JUST
GIVE UP. BUT I CAN'T GIVE UP ON MY LOVE!
YOU GOTTA TAKE CARE OF
THESE CHILDREN. I'M COMIN' IN!
YEAH, LET'S GET IT UP
RIGHT NOW! WHAT'S UP?
WE GOT A LOT OF PEOPLE TO TALK
ABOUT COMIN' FROM THE UNDERGROUND,
WELL, NOW WE GOT "LORDS OF THE
UNDERGROUND" WITH CHIEF ROCKA...
AND HERE COME THE LORDS...
GIVE IT UP IN LIVING COLOR!
♪ YES, YES, YES, 1993 ♪
♪ LORDS OF THE UNDERGROUND ♪
♪ MISTER FUNKY, GET
UP GET UP, GET UP ♪
♪ COME ON, GET ON UP GET UP ♪
♪ LORDS OF THE
UNDERGROUND IN THE HOUSE ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ BOOM, SHAKA LAKA, YO
HERE COMES THE CHIEF ROCKA ♪
♪ ROCKIN' WORDS, SO JUMP UP OFF
THE TIP, YOU'RE NOT MY KNOCKA ♪
♪ WE'LL SHOCK YA TOP TO BOTTOM
MAKE THE PEOPLE SAY, OOH, AH ♪
♪ TRYIN' TO BREAK FLY
I'LL HIT YOU IN THE EYE ♪
♪ PUSH THEM IN THE BELLY
STEPPED ON THE BEAT, COME ON ♪
♪ SLAM THE CHILD ON THE ONE,
TWO, THREE ♪ ♪ COME ON ♪
♪ NOW, FEEL MY WHIM, I'LL
BE DIM SLIM JIM, DON'T WE ♪
♪ COULDN'T HAVE BEEN THE SKUNK
WEED THAT MAKES US OH, SO FUNKY ♪
♪ THEY WOULDN'T LET ME CHOOSE
IT COULDN'T BE THE BOOZE ♪
♪ IT WAS THE SHOES IT'S GOTTA
BE THE SHOES ♪ ♪ MY TENS ♪
♪ CAUSE GIRLIES, THEY CLOCK
THEY STAND AROUND AND JOCK ♪
♪ I SAY BOOM SHAKA LAK GRAB
THE MICROPHONE AND ROCK ♪
♪ TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH WHEN ON THE
MIKE I SAY ANYTHING THAT SOUNDS GOOD ♪
♪ LIKE ♪ ♪ DRUM PAN A DRUM
PAN AND SOUND OVER SOME, UHH ♪
♪ THE CAT IN THE HAT AND THE
MOUSE WENT UP THE STAIRS ♪
♪ THAT DIDN'T MAKE NO SENSE ♪
♪ COME ON, WHO CARES ♪
♪ SEE, EVERYONE'S OUT TO GET
THEIRS, SO DON'T BE TRYIN' TO KNOCK ME ♪
♪ I SAY WHAT I WANT TO SAY
AS LONG AS IT SOUNDS FUNKY ♪
♪ SOME M.C.'s WANTED TO BUY
ME AND TRY TO TAKE STANDS ♪
♪ BUT THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ HE'S THE MR. FUNKY MAN ♪
♪ I AMAZE AND ASTOUND
LOOK THEM UP AND DOWN ♪
♪ SMACK A FEW OF THEM AROUND LET
THEM KNOW WHO WEARS THE CROWN ♪
♪ WHO'S THE TIP OF THE TOP THE CREAM
OF THE CROP THE BEST UNDER THE SUN ♪
♪ I'M THE LORD CHIEF ROCKA
NUMBER ONE, MR. FUNKY ♪
♪ COME ON ♪
♪ CHIEF ROCKA ♪
♪ THE LORD CHIEF ROCKA
NUMBER ONE CHIEF ROCKA ♪
♪ THE LORD CHIEF ROCKA
NUMBER ONE CHIEF ROCKA ♪
♪ HERE COME THE LORDS ♪♪
LOW FOR THE FATHER OF HER BABY.
HAS SHE FINALLY
LOOKED LOW ENOUGH?
HEY. HELLO? CAN YOU HEAR ME?
UH, LOOK, ANYWAY, WILD
THING, THIS IS WANDA WAYNE.
I MET YOU DOWN AT THE CHUNKY MONKEY
AND THAT'S WHERE YOU PICKED ME UP.
WELL, ACTUALLY, I PICKED YOU UP 'CAUSE
YOU KNOW YOU WAS DRUNK AND STUFF...
AND I "DRUG" YOU OFF AND STUFF.
YOU WAS SO HEAVY. LOOK,
COME ON AND OPEN UP
'CAUSE I GOT A WONDERFUL
SURPRISE FOR YOU.
DID YOU KNOW YOU WAS A DADDY?
YOU ABOUT TO HAVE BIRF. B-I-R-F.
SO ANYWAY, YOU NEED TO OPEN UP AND STUFF.
DON'T BE PLAYIN' HARD TO GET AND STUFF.
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHIN'. WHY
YOU CHANGE YOU NAME AND STUFF...
AND GOT IN THE WITNESS
PROTECTION PROGRAM?
THAT WASN'T EVEN RIGHT. THAT
WASN'T RIGHT TO DO ME LIKE THAT.
ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS OWN
UP TO YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES.
BUT I THINK IT'S REAL CUTE HOW YOU
TRYIN' TO PLAY HARD TO GET AND ALL.
SO I GUESS I'M GONNA HAVE TO
USE ONE OF MY LITTLE WANDA TRICKS.
I REALLY DON'T MEAN TO
DO THIS, BUT JUST BILL ME.
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
- ♪ TAKE IT FROM ME
IT'S A'IGHT TO BE ♪
- HI-YAH!
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ AND HOW WOULD YA... HOW
WOULD YA... HOW WOULD YA F... ♪
♪ HOW WOULD YOU FEEL KNOWING
PREJUDICE WAS OBSOLETE ♪
♪ AND ALL MANKIND
DANCED TO THE EXACT BEAT ♪
♪ AND AT NIGHT IT WAS SAFE
TO WALK DOWN THE STREET ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪
HBO PRESENTS ONE OF THE HOTTEST
COMEDY SPECIALS OF THE YEAR...
IT'S SAM KINISON...
LIVE FROM HELL!
WHAT'S HAPPENIN', HADES?
YEAH, YEAH, OH-OH!
YEAH!
YOU KNOW, PEOPLE KEEP
ASKING ME, SAM, WHAT SUCKS,
WHAT SUCKS ABOUT HELL?
WELL, I'LL TELL YOU. IT'S HOT!
I MEAN, IT'S HOT A LOT! AND
IT'S NOT A DRY HEAT, MISTER! NO!
BUT I KNEW I WAS IN HELL...
WHEN THEY PIPED ANDREW DICE
CLAY INTO MY DRESSING ROOM!
BUT IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK. IT'S NICE TO BE
HERE TONIGHT IN THE LEE ATWATER ROOM.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU
PEOPLE ARE CHEERING ABOUT.
I'M NOT SURE WHAT'S
WORSE DOWN HERE,
THE FOOD OR THE
PAINFUL RECTAL SPASMS.
- YOU GET 'EM ABOUT EVERY FOUR MINUTES!
- HERE COME ANOTHER ONE NOW!
OH, YOU LOVE IT, ELVIS, YOU
DIED ON THE TOILET! OW, OW!
GIVE ME A PERCODAN, MAN!
THE OTHER DAY, I
RAN INTO LIBERACE.
AND HE STARTS HASSLING
ME ABOUT MY ACT... LIBERACE!
I SAID, AT LEAST I DIED LIKE A
MAN, NOT WITH ONE! COME ON!
WHEN THEY PULLED ME OUT OF MY
CAR, THERE WAS LIQUOR ON MY BREATH.
WHAT WAS ON YOURS, LIBBY?
HUH? WHAT WAS ON YOURS?
OW, OW!
OH, YOU LOVE IT!
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT'S WEIRD ABOUT
HELL? WHO'S HERE AND WHO ISN'T.
I MEAN, WHO THOUGHT DANNY
THOMAS WOULD BE HERE, HUH?
I GOT A LITTLE QUESTION
FOR YA, WHERE IS HITLER?
WHERE'S HITLER? HE
KILLED SIX MILLION PEOPLE!
YOU THINK YOU MIGHT
RUN INTO HIM SOMEWHERE!
THE SNACK BAR, THE LAKE OF
FIRE, I DON'T KNOW, WHERE'S HITLER?
YEAH!
MY FAVORITE MAN DOWN HERE, OF
COURSE, THE BIG MAN HIMSELF, SATAN.
THAT'S RIGHT. SATAN. WE
USED TO CALL HIM "PRINCE,"
"PRINCE OF DARKNESS..." TILL HE
CHANGED HIS NAME TO A SYMBOL!
YOU KNOW HE DID IT TO MEET
CHICKS. HE'S A LOSER, HE'S A LOSER!
NO, I'M JUST KIDDING YA, MAN.
HE'S HERE TONIGHT, MY MAN
SATAN, GIVE IT UP FOR HIM!
YEAH!
YOU'VE BEEN A GREAT CROWD, I'M HERE
THROUGH ETERNITY! SEE YA LATER, HELL! YEAH!
HI! I'M SUSIE, YOUR AT&T OPERATOR,
HERE TO TELL YOU ABOUT A NEW PLAN...
THAT CAN SAVE YOU MONEY ON ALL THOSE
LONG DISTANCE PHONE CALLS YOU MAKE...
TO THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE WHO'S
NEVER OUT OF YOUR THOUGHTS.
UH, HEY, MY NAME TINY.
I USED TO HAVE REAL BIG PHONE BILL,
BUT WITH AT&T FREQUENT CALLER PLAN,
I CAN SAVE AS MUCH AS 50% ON THE
CALLS I MAKE TO THIS HERE WOMAN...
WHO'S SO SEXY, SHE MAKE ME...
HELLO?
UH, UH... IS THIS MISS RYERSON?
YES. WHO IS THIS?
UH, UH... DO YOU HAVE
BIG "BREAST-ES-ES"?
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME!
NO, WAIT, HOLD UP MISS
LADY, HOLD UP! UH, UH...
DO YOU HAVE REAL, REAL,
REAL BIG BREAST-ES-ES?
WITH AT&T FREQUENT CALLER PLAN,
YOU'LL SAVE SO MUCH, YOU'LL FIND
YOURSELF CALLING OVER AND OVER...
AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!
HELLO, I'M CALLING FROM THE
AMERICAN BRA ASSOCIATION.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
THIS IS A MATTER OF NATIONAL SECURITY,
MA'AM. WHAT SIZE BRA DO YOU WEAR?
A 36 D. WHY? OOH. OOH.
THEN YOU MUST HAVE REAL BIG
BREAST-ES-ES! I-I WANNA TOUCH 'EM!
REMEMBER, THE MORE YOU
CALL, THE MORE YOU'LL SAVE!
THE NUMBER YOU HAVE DIALED HAS BEEN
DISCONNECTED! GIMME THE PHONE, MAN!
MAN, I GOTTA MAKE MORE
CALLS, LITTLE MAN! HEY!
I GOTTA HAVE THOSE BIG, BOUNCY,
BREAST-ES-ES! I WANT THOSE BREAST-ES-ES!
AT&T FREQUENT CALLER PLAN.
NOW YOU CAN BE OBSESSED
BY THE ONE YOU LOVE,
NOT BY YOUR PHONE BILL!
BUT I TELL YOU WHAT.
BUT I TELL YOU WHAT.
I GOT SOMETHIN' TO
SHOW YOU. IF YOU THINK
THIS IS HOT, WAIT TILL
YOU GET A LOAD OF ME.
I HOPE YOU GOT ENOUGH FUEL
FOR MY BIKINI WAX LATER ON,
'CAUSE I TELL YOU WHAT, WE
GONNA WELD EACH OTHER TOGETHER.
WAX! FLAME ON!
I'LL ROCK YO' WORLD.
♪♪ ♪ COME ON, COME
ON, YEAH EVERY DAY, GIRL ♪
♪ I WANT TO SHOW YA EVERYTHING
THAT YOU ARE TO ME COME ON ♪
♪ YEAH, UH ♪
♪ I WANNA SHOW YOU
THAT YOU ARE MY LADY ♪
♪ I WANT TO SHOW YOU
EVERYTHING YOU ARE TO ME ♪
♪ I WANNA HOLD YOU
'CAUSE YOU ARE MY LADY ♪
♪ I WANNA SHOW YOU
EVERYTHING YOU ARE TO ME ♪
♪ YEAH ♪ ♪ BABY GIRL, TIGHT
CURLS IN MY WORLD LIKE ♪
♪ BRIGHT LIGHTS SHININ'
DEEP INTO MY NIGHT MIGHT ♪
♪ KEEP YOU IN MY
SIGHT I PARTICIPATE ♪
♪ IN YOUR LIFE LIKE A
TRUE MAN SHOULD WHO ♪
♪ WANT TO DEMONSTRATE,
POPULATE ACTIVATE ♪
♪ WHEN THEY SEE US, ALL THESE
THUGS WANT TO PLAYA-HATE ♪
♪ I REMEMBER WHEN WE
FIRST MET FIRST DATE ♪
♪ I WAS LATE, KIND OF WILD WHEN I
THOUGHT OF YOU ♪ ♪ I WANT TO SHOW YOU ♪♪
HELLO, EVERYONE. WHY
DON'T WE ALL SIT DOWN?
UH, FIRST OF ALL, WELCOME
TO GROUP THERAPY.
NOW, SOME OF YOU, I HAVE
HAD AS INDIVIDUAL PATIENTS,
BUT I REALLY FELT THAT, UM,
WE'LL BE ABLE TO PROGRESS
A LITTLE FASTER AS A GROUP,
PROVIDED WE CREATE
AN ATMOSPHERE OF TRUST,
SENSITIVITY, AND
HONEST COMMUNICATION.
SO, WHO'D LIKE TO
START OFF FIRST?
- FRANK?
- UM, THIS IS KIND OF
HARD FOR ME.
IT'S OKAY, FRANK,
YOU'RE AMONG FRIENDS.
WELL, DOCTOR, UH, YEAH...
I THINK I MIGHT BE GAY.
YOU... THINK YOU MIGHT BE?
THAT'S AN UNDERSTATEMENT. THAT'S
THE UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR!
YOU THINK YOU MIGHT BE GAY?
NO, NO, DON'T BE
RIDICULOUS, FRANK, I GUESS...
A LOT OF STRAIGHT MEN LIKE TO
WAKE UP STARING AT ANOTHER MAN'S...
PIMPLY, SAGGING BUTTOCKS
RIGHT IN THEIR FACE.
WELL, DOCTOR, I DON'T
APPRECIATE YOUR SARCASM.
OKAY, WELL, HERE'S A QUICK POP QUIZ.
WHO WON THE SUPER BOWL LAST YEAR?
WHAT'S A SUPER BOWL? MM-HMM.
- HOW MANY JUDY GARLAND
RECORDS DO YOU HAVE?
- TWENTY-SEVEN!
BINGO! GET OUT OF
MY FACE, YOU SISSY!
DOCTOR, THAT WAS WRONG,
WHAT YOU SAID TO FRANK.
OH, I'M SORRY MARIANNE, I
WAS JUST CONFRONTING HIM...
SO THAT HE COULD REALIZE
HOW GAY HE REALLY IS.
LISTEN. ANYWAY, WHILE WE'RE
TALKING ABOUT IT, COME ON UP.
I WANT TO DO A LITTLE ANGER EXERCISE WITH
YOU, SINCE YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY VERY ANGRY.
BUT I'M NOT ANGRY. YES, YOU ARE.
NOW, I WANT YOU TO HIT THIS
PILLOW AND SAY, "I AM ANGRY."
I AM ANGRY. SEE, DOES
THAT FEEL BETTER?
NO, BECAUSE I WASN'T ANGRY.
OH, COME ON, DON'T TELL ME...
THAT YOUR PIMP DADDY NEVER
HIT YOU UPSIDE YOUR HEAD...
WHEN YOU WERE SELLING
YOUR BODY FOR CRACK!
I-I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU
THAT IN CONFIDENCE!
WELL, YOU THOUGHT WRONG.
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU
PEOPLE ARE SO SELFISH.
"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU THAT IN CONFIDENCE!"
"YEAH, I THINK I MIGHT BE GAY."
YOU'RE ALWAYS COMPLAINING WHEN
THERE ARE PEOPLE HERE IN LEGITIMATE PAIN.
LIKE PAULA, FOR INSTANCE.
PAULA SUFFERED A LOSS. PAULA?
UMM, MY HUSBAND
WAS IN A CAR ACCIDENT...
AND I'M STILL FEELING A LOT
OF PAIN OVER WHAT HAPPENED.
AND, WELL, WHO
WOULD NOT FEEL PAIN...
AFTER THEY WATCHED
THEIR VERY OWN HUSBAND...
GET SMASHED BY A RUNAWAY
TRUCK GOING 90 MILES AN HOUR.
AND I SAW IT HAPPEN.
IT WAS RIGHT OUTSIDE THIS OFFICE.
I MEAN, HE REALLY WENT FLYING.
BANG!
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?
PAULA, I'M JUST
TRYING TO TELL YOU...
THAT DENIAL IS THE
WORST STATE TO BE IN.
YOU'VE GOT TO REALIZE HOW
DEAD YOUR HUSBAND REALLY IS.
BOY, AND I MEAN... THE
LOOK ON PAULA'S FACE,
IT'S ONE OF THOSE TIMES YOU WISH
YOU HAD A CAMERA, BUT YOU JUST DON'T.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
- "OH MY GOD!"
I MEAN, THAT GRILLE JUST
CRINKLED HIM LIKE A COTTAGE FRY!
THAT BOY LOOKED LIKE
A STRAWBERRY SUNDAE.
OH, GET OFF ME, YOU SISSY! HERE.
HERE HIT MY PILLOW. YOU'LL FEEL BETTER.
OH, PAULA WILL
JUST BE ALL RIGHT.
SHE'S PROBABLY AT
"THAT TIME" OR SOMETHING.
WELL, I THINK THAT THERE WAS A LOT
OF HONESTY AND SHARING HERE TONIGHT.
UH, NEXT WEEK, I REALLY
WANT US TO ALL FOCUS...
ON THOSE WITH THE SECRET SHAME OF
NECROPHILIA... AND THAT MEANS YOU, PHIL.
I'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME.
♪♪
♪ NOW, EVERYBODY
IN THE PLACE TO BE ♪
♪ PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE
AIR WITH ME, COME ON, DO IT ♪
♪ DO IT, Y'ALL YEAH, COME ON ♪
♪ DO IT, DO IT, Y'ALL YEAH ♪
♪ KEEP ON NOW, EVERYBODY
IN THE PLACE TO BE ♪
♪ PUT YO' HANDS IN THE AIR WITH
ME, COME ON DO IT, DO IT, Y'ALL ♪
♪ Y'ALL, COME ON DO IT, DO IT,
Y'ALL ♪ ♪ IT'S JUST LIKE THAT ♪
♪ ROCK, IT'S JUST LIKE
THAT PUT YO' HANDS, DO IT ♪
♪ HANDS, DO IT JUST DO IT ♪
♪ BUT WAIT, DON'T DO IT ♪
♪ GO, GO ♪
♪ IT'S JUST LIKE THAT, HA
HA, IT'S JUST LIKE THAT ♪
♪ LET YO' HANDS DO IT ♪♪
THIS... IS... THE DIRTY DOZENS!
NOW ENTERING OUR STUDIO,
OUR RETURNING CHAMPION,
A BICYCLE MESSENGER FROM
UPTOWN NEW YORK, T-DOG JENKINS!
A NIGHT PRISON GUARD FROM
HUNTSVILLE, TEXAS, SONYA WINSLOW!
AND A ROCKET SCIENTIST FROM
CARSON CITY, NEVADA, LEONARD DINKINS!
AND NOW THE HOST OF
DIRTY DOZENS, STU DUNFEY!
THANK YOU SO MUCH. HELLO, AND
WELCOME TO THE DIRTY DOZENS,
WHERE TALKIN' TRASH
CAN GET YOU CASH,
AND YOU'LL TAKE HOME THE
BANK IF YOUR MAMA IS STANK.
ALL RIGHTY, LET'S LOOK AT
OUR CATEGORIES TONIGHT.
MAMA'S SO HAIRY, MAMA'S SO OLD,
MAMA'S TEETH SO YELLOW,
AND STARTS WITH "F."
T-DOG, YOU'RE OUR
CHAMPION. START US OFF.
THANK YOU, STU. I WILL TAKE
YO' MAMA SO HAIRY FOR 100.
"YOUR MAMA'S SO HAIRY..."
YO' MAMA'S SO HAIRY, HER ARMPITS LOOK
LIKE SHE GOT DON KING IN A HEADLOCK!
YES!
ON THE BOARD FOR 100. AND NOW, LET'S REVEAL
THE FIRST PLAY OF TODAY'S "MYSTERY DIS."
CARE TO VENTURE A GUESS, SONYA?
FROM THAT LITTLE PIECE
OF NOTHING? WHAT DO I
LOOK LIKE? DIONNE
WARWICK'S PSYCHIC FRIEND?
LOOKS LIKE SONYA'S
INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE.
LET ME REMIND YOU, I'M MERELY THE
HOST OF THE SHOW. NOW PICK A CATEGORY.
ALL RIGHT, UM, LET'S STICK
WITH MAMA SO HAIRY, STU.
"YOUR MAMA'S SO HAIRY..."
YO' MAMA SO HAIRY, BIGFOOT
TAKE PICTURES OF HER!
YES! AN EXTREMELY
HAIRY MAMA INDEED!
T-DOG, YOU HAVE
CONTROL OF THE BOARD.
LET US TRY STARTS
WITH "F" FOR 100, STUNESS.
FIRST TIME IN THAT
CATEGORY. WHAT'LL IT BE?
OOH. "YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT..."
YO' MAMA SO FAT,
SHE BUNGEE-JUMPED AND
WENT STRAIGHT TO HELL.
CORRECT! YOU RETAIN CONTROL.
I WILL TAKE "THINGS THAT
START WITH 'F'" FOR 200, STU.
OH! YOU'VE HAPPENED
UPON OUR DAILY DOZEN.
NO NEED TO BE AFRAID, T-DOG.
HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT TO WAGER?
OH, OH, STRAIGHT TA-RUM,
ER, UH, TARA, AH-RUM, AH...
I'LL WAGER 300, STU.
ALL RIGHT, FOR 300 AND THE LEAD,
THE "STARTS WITH 'F'" CATEGORY IS...
"YOUR MAMA'S SO FUNKY..."
SO FUNKY. THINK ABOUT IT.
NEED AN ANSWER!
UH, YO' MAMA'S
DRAWERS IS SO FUNKY,
THE ROACHES CHECK IN
BUT THEY DON'T CHECK OUT!
"F" TO THE "U" TO THE "N,"
TO THE "K" TO THE "Y," FUNKY.
- THREE HUNDRED POINTS!
- I THINK I WILL TAKE
YO' MAMA'S SO OLD FOR 100.
"YO' MAMA SO OLD..." LEONARD?
YOUR MAMA'S SO OLD, HER FIRST
COMPUTER WAS A UNIVAC 200...
WITH A 16K RAM AND A MAGNETIC
TAPE DATA STORAGE SYSTEM.
JUDGES?
OH, NO. WE CAN'T ACCEPT THAT.
COME ON! THE UNIVAC'S
A VIRTUAL DINOSAUR!
- ANYONE ELSE?
- YO' MAMA SO OLD,
SHE'S IN JESUS' YEARBOOK!
NOT A YOUNG MAMA.
SONYA, WHERE TO?
UM, TEETH SO YELLOW FOR 200.
- "YOUR MAMA'S TEETH SO YELLOW..."
- YOUR MAMA'S TEETH SO YELLOW,
WHEN SHE YAWNS,
TRAFFIC JUST SLOWS DOWN.
LET'S SEE, STU. I THINK I WILL
TAKE TEETH SO YELLOW FOR 300.
"YO' MAMA'S TEETH SO
YELLOW..." LEONARD?
YOUR MAMA'S TEETH SO YELLOW,
WHEN SHE EXPECTORATES,
THE DISCHARGE RESEMBLES THE COAGULATED
MAMMARIAN FATS OF A DOMESTICATED BOVINE.
JUDGES?
I'M SORRY, LEONARD, BUT WE JUST
DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
COME ON! THE BITCH'S TEETH
ARE SO YELLOW, SHE SPITS BUTTER!
ALL RIGHT!
LEONARD IN THE HOUSE WITH 300!
OH, AND THAT SIGNALS THE
END OF REGULAR DOZENS,
SO AT THIS POINT,
WE'LL CLEAR THE BOARD,
AND TAKE A LOOK AT
TONIGHT'S MYSTERY DIS.
FOR 500 POINTS AND THE GAME...
YO' MAMA SO UGLY, SHE HAD TO GET HER BABY
DRUNK JUST SO SHE COULD BREAST-FEED IT.
YES! AND T-DOG,
WITH 1,300 POINTS,
REMAINS CHAMPION!
ALL RIGHT, T-DOG.
OH, NICELY PLAYED.
YOU'RE TODAY'S WINNER.
AND THAT MEANS YOU'LL BE DISSING
IN THE BONUS ROUND FOR A NEW CAR!
AH-HA-HA-HO! OH, HO-HO!
HERE'S WHAT YOU
DO TO TAKE IT HOME.
THE DRIVER OF THE CAR IS
MONTEZ. YO, WHAT'S UP, STU?
YOU HAVE ONE MINUTE TO
DIS MONTEZ SO VICIOUSLY...
THAT HE GETS OUT OF THE CAR
TO TEACH YOUR BUTT A LESSON.
IF YOU DO THAT, THE CAR IS
YOURS. OTHERWISE, MONTEZ,
YOU GET TO KEEP THE CAR!
ONE MINUTE ON THE
CLOCK. AND... START DISSIN'!
YEAH, WHAT'S UP, YOUR MAMA'S
SO BLACK, SHE BLEEDS SMOKE.
NICE TRY, MAN. BUT
DAMIAN "FOOTBALL"
WILLIAMS COULDN'T GET
ME TO "UNASS" THIS CAR.
YEAH, WELL YOUR MAMA'S HOUSE SO DUSTY,
THE ROACHES RIDE AROUND ON DUNE BUGGIES.
MAN, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST GIVE UP, MAN?
YO, YO' MAMA SO FAT,
HER BLOOD TYPE IS RAGU.
WEAK.
YO, YO' MAMA SO UGLY, SHE GOTTA
TRICK-OR-TREAT OVER THE PHONE.
IT'S TIRED, MAN. THAT
DON'T EVEN BOTHER ME, MAN.
YEAH, YEAH, YO' MAMA SO SHORT, YOU
CAN SEE HER FEET ON HER DRIVER'S LICENSE!
LOOK MAN, WHY DON'T
YOU RAISE UP? YEAH, YEAH.
YEAH, LIKE I SAY, YO' MAMA LIKE THE
PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY. EVERYBODY POKE HER.
I'M GONNA BUST YOUR
A... ONE MORE TIME.
LIKE I SAID, YEAH.
YO' MAMA SO STANKY...
YO' MAMA SO STANKY, SHE GETS
SOURDOUGH YEAST INFECTIONS!
NOW, WHO TOLD YOU? I'M
GONNA KILL YOU! HO, HO!
HE DID IT! T-DOG WINS THE CAR!
AND THAT'S ALL THE
TIME WE HAVE TONIGHT.
JOIN US NEXT TIME WHEN WE'LL BE
DISSIN' FOR DOLLARS ON THE DIRTY DOZENS.
I'M AUDI 5000. PEACE!
THE DIRTY DOZENS HAS BEEN
BROUGHT TO YOU BY YO MAMA'S CAKES.
EVERYBODY DOESN'T LIKE
SOMETHING, BUT NOBODY LIKES YO MAMA!
READY OR NOT, BABY, HERE I COME.
JUST CALL ME THE TERMINATOR.
YOU CAN'T KEEP YOUR
LOVE NEST AWAY FROM ME.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WAS
THINKIN', 'CAUSE I TELL YOU WHAT:
WHEN I BUST IN, I WANT
YOU TO BE BUTT-NAKED
AND I WANT YOU TO BE
STANDIN' AT ATTENTION.
OKAY, OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
THIS IS A LITTLE TOUGH.
AND YOU LUCKY I'M A
STRONG, LOVELY WOMAN.
'CAUSE THE AVERAGE WOMAN WOULD JUST
GIVE UP. BUT I CAN'T GIVE UP ON MY LOVE!
YOU GOTTA TAKE CARE OF
THESE CHILDREN. I'M COMIN' IN!
YEAH, LET'S GET IT UP
RIGHT NOW! WHAT'S UP?
WE GOT A LOT OF PEOPLE TO TALK
ABOUT COMIN' FROM THE UNDERGROUND,
WELL, NOW WE GOT "LORDS OF THE
UNDERGROUND" WITH CHIEF ROCKA...
AND HERE COME THE LORDS...
GIVE IT UP IN LIVING COLOR!
♪ YES, YES, YES, 1993 ♪
♪ LORDS OF THE UNDERGROUND ♪
♪ MISTER FUNKY, GET
UP GET UP, GET UP ♪
♪ COME ON, GET ON UP GET UP ♪
♪ LORDS OF THE
UNDERGROUND IN THE HOUSE ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ BOOM, SHAKA LAKA, YO
HERE COMES THE CHIEF ROCKA ♪
♪ ROCKIN' WORDS, SO JUMP UP OFF
THE TIP, YOU'RE NOT MY KNOCKA ♪
♪ WE'LL SHOCK YA TOP TO BOTTOM
MAKE THE PEOPLE SAY, OOH, AH ♪
♪ TRYIN' TO BREAK FLY
I'LL HIT YOU IN THE EYE ♪
♪ PUSH THEM IN THE BELLY
STEPPED ON THE BEAT, COME ON ♪
♪ SLAM THE CHILD ON THE ONE,
TWO, THREE ♪ ♪ COME ON ♪
♪ NOW, FEEL MY WHIM, I'LL
BE DIM SLIM JIM, DON'T WE ♪
♪ COULDN'T HAVE BEEN THE SKUNK
WEED THAT MAKES US OH, SO FUNKY ♪
♪ THEY WOULDN'T LET ME CHOOSE
IT COULDN'T BE THE BOOZE ♪
♪ IT WAS THE SHOES IT'S GOTTA
BE THE SHOES ♪ ♪ MY TENS ♪
♪ CAUSE GIRLIES, THEY CLOCK
THEY STAND AROUND AND JOCK ♪
♪ I SAY BOOM SHAKA LAK GRAB
THE MICROPHONE AND ROCK ♪
♪ TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH WHEN ON THE
MIKE I SAY ANYTHING THAT SOUNDS GOOD ♪
♪ LIKE ♪ ♪ DRUM PAN A DRUM
PAN AND SOUND OVER SOME, UHH ♪
♪ THE CAT IN THE HAT AND THE
MOUSE WENT UP THE STAIRS ♪
♪ THAT DIDN'T MAKE NO SENSE ♪
♪ COME ON, WHO CARES ♪
♪ SEE, EVERYONE'S OUT TO GET
THEIRS, SO DON'T BE TRYIN' TO KNOCK ME ♪
♪ I SAY WHAT I WANT TO SAY
AS LONG AS IT SOUNDS FUNKY ♪
♪ SOME M.C.'s WANTED TO BUY
ME AND TRY TO TAKE STANDS ♪
♪ BUT THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ HE'S THE MR. FUNKY MAN ♪
♪ I AMAZE AND ASTOUND
LOOK THEM UP AND DOWN ♪
♪ SMACK A FEW OF THEM AROUND LET
THEM KNOW WHO WEARS THE CROWN ♪
♪ WHO'S THE TIP OF THE TOP THE CREAM
OF THE CROP THE BEST UNDER THE SUN ♪
♪ I'M THE LORD CHIEF ROCKA
NUMBER ONE, MR. FUNKY ♪
♪ COME ON ♪
♪ CHIEF ROCKA ♪
♪ THE LORD CHIEF ROCKA
NUMBER ONE CHIEF ROCKA ♪
♪ THE LORD CHIEF ROCKA
NUMBER ONE CHIEF ROCKA ♪
♪ HERE COME THE LORDS ♪♪