In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 5, Episode 9 - All Up in the Family - full transcript
HELLO. I'M RUSH LIMBAUGH.
AND I'M AL SHARPTON. AND WE HAVE
FINALLY FOUND A PLACE IN THIS WORLD...
BIG AND LOUD ENOUGH
FOR THE BOTH OF US...
THE HOME FITNESS INDUSTRY.
AND OUR NEW FITNESS PROGRAM COVERS
ALL THE BASES, INCLUDING STEP AEROBICS.
YOU CAN LOSE POUNDS,
INCHES AND HOSTILITIES.
WHILE STEPPING
ON THOSE YOU HATE.
STEP ON THE HOMELESS. STEP ON
THE LIBERAL. STEP ON THE SPOTTED OWL.
STEP ON THE WHITE MAN.
STEP ON THE WHITE MAN.
STEP ON THE WHITE MAN.
USE OUR SPECIALLY DESIGNED
WORKOUT EQUIPMENT,
PERFECT FOR YOU BOXERS OR ANYONE
WHO LIKES TO WEAR A ROBE ONCE IN A WHILE.
TAKE THAT, BOY IN THE HOOD.
THE MAN MAY HAVE OPPRESSED YOU,
BUT YOU CAN STILL PRESS SOME
WEIGHT ON OUR NEW BOBOFLEX.
GET OFF OF ME, PIG!
GET OFF OF ME, PIG!
BUILD UP YOUR LEG MUSCLES ON
OUR RUN FOR YOUR LIFE TREADMILL...
FOR WHEN YOU HAVE TO MAKE A QUICK GETAWAY
FROM THE GUN-TOTING HORDES OF MIAMI.
OR THE GOOD CITIZENS
OF BENSONHURST.
LOOK. AIN'T THAT YOUR MAMA
TONGUE-KISSIN' LOUIS FARRAKHAN?
WHOA!
AND IF YOU ORDER OUR
FITNESS PROGRAM TODAY,
WE WILL SEND YOU OUR
HELPFUL DEAL SOME MEAL CARDS.
HELP ME OUT, MICHELIN MAN. DON'T
YOU MEAN HANDOUT, FREELOADING WILLY?
LET ME SHOW YOU HOW IT WORKS.
WHEN YOU'RE DONE EATING
ALL THE FOOD LISTED ON
THESE CARDLETS, YOU'RE
DONE EATIN' THE MEAL.
THE SHAKES ARE EASY TO MAKE.
SIMPLY ADD YOUR FAVORITE INGREDIENTS.
SOME FRIED CHICKEN FOR AL.
AND A CRACKER FOR THE CRACKER.
BLEND THUSLY.
MMM!
MMM-MMM-MMM! MMM.
IF THAT'S LOW-CAL, THAT MUST
BE RUSH 'N AL'S! RUSH 'N AL'S!
SO REMEMBER, IF YOUR
BUTT IS AS BIG AS THE DEFICIT...
AND YOUR MUSCLES AS WEAK
AS CLINTON'S HEALTH PLAN,
YOU'VE GOTTA TAKE FIRM ACTION.
DON'T YOU MEAN
AFFIRMATIVE ACTION? HELL, NO.
SEND FOR OUR FITNESS PROGRAM TODAY,
BECAUSE EVEN IF WE CAN'T ALL GET ALONG...
CAN'T WE ALL SWEAT ALONG?
COME ON, EVERYBODY! YES, SIR!
[Man Announcing] SEND $199.95 TO RUSH
'N AL'S CAN'T WE ALL JUST SWEAT ALONG?
P.O. BOX "A," FATBACK,
MISSISSIPPI, 60606.
- [Laughing]
- ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
- ♪ TAKE IT FROM ME
IT'S A'IGHT TO BE ♪
- HI-YAH!
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ AND HOW WOULD YA... HOW
WOULD YA... HOW WOULD YA F... ♪
♪ HOW WOULD YOU FEEL KNOWING
PREJUDICE WAS OBSOLETE ♪
♪ AND ALL MANKIND
DANCED TO THE EXACT BEAT ♪
[Echoing] ♪ AND AT NIGHT IT WAS
SAFE TO WALK DOWN THE STREET ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
[Turntable Scratching]
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪
[Laughing]
MA, SLOW DOWN! I'M
TRYIN' TO TALK TO YA!
GLORIA, ARCHIE WILL
BE HOME ANY MINUTE.
AND IF HE DOESN'T GET HIS
DINNER BY 6:00, HE GETS GAS...
AND HE POOPS IN HIS SLEEP.
OH, ARCHIE, YOU'RE
HOME. HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
IT WAS FRESH, EDITH.
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA
GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TODAY.
YOU DIDN'T GET PULLED
OVER BY THE COPS?
NO, I DIDN'T GET PULLED OVER
BY THE COPS, YOU DINGBAT.
WE WERE EATING LUNCH TODAY,
AND THIS TRUCKER COMES BY, YOU SEE.
SO WE PULL HIM OUT OF HIS CAB.
WE BEAT THE HELL OUTTA THAT HONKY.
OH, THAT'S TERRIBLE, ARCHIE.
NO, EDITH, THAT'S GOOD,
BECAUSE THE TRUCKER TURNED
OUT TO BE STRETCH CUNNINGHAM.
HE'LL BE OUT FOR SIX WEEKS,
AND I'M TAKING OVER HIS JOB.
DADDY! HOW CAN YOU
CELEBRATE SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
LIKE THIS. WHOOP-DE-DO!
WHOOP-DE-DO! WHOOP-DE-DO!
NOW, WHERE THE
HELL IS DINNER, EDITH?
OH, WE'RE WAITIN' FOR GLORIA'S
NEW BOYFRIEND, MICHAEL.
YEAH, DADDY, AND I WANT YOU
TO BE REALLY COOL WITH HIM.
DON'T WORRY, LITTLE GIRL. IF HE
MAKES YOU HAPPY, HE MAKES ME HAPPY.
[Doorbell Rings] NOW OPEN THE
DOOR FOR THE HAMHOCKHEAD.
DADDY!
HI, MICHAEL!
HELLO, EVERYONE.
MY, WHAT AN INTERESTIN'
WEAVE. WHO HOOKED YA UP?
I GREW IT MYSELF, AND
THEY'RE CALLED DREADLOCKS.
DREADLOCKS, SCHMEADLOCKS.
THAT'S A DRIED-UP JHERI CURL THERE.
LOOKS LIKE AN ACTIVATOR
WENT ON STRIKE THERE, MICHAEL.
MR. BUNKER, YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND. I'M JAMAICAN.
JAMAICAN, HAITIAN, DOMINICAN... WHAT THE
HELL'S THE DIFFERENCE? YOU NEED A FADE.
DADDY! CASE CLOSED. LET'S GRUB.
WELL, EVERYBODY SIT DOWN.
ARCHIE, I HOPE YOU LIKE IT. IT'S
YOUR FAVORITE... COLLARD GREENS.
WHERE THE HELL DID YOU PICK
THESE, EDITH? THEY SMELL TERRIBLE.
YOU BEEN DOWN TO THE
RAILROAD TRACKS AGAIN?
THEY SMELL LIKE
SOMEBODY'S ARMPITS.
NO, MR. BUNKER. I'M
AFRAID THAT IS ME.
I AM AU NATUREL.
WHAT'S AU NATUREL?
MA, THAT MEANS HE DOESN'T
BELIEVE IN USING DEODORANTS.
OH. OHHH!
YOU'D THINK BEIN'
SURROUNDED BY ALL THAT WATER,
THEY'D AT LEAST TOUCH
IT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.
BUT WHAT WOULD YOU EXPECT?
JAMAICANS RANK PRETTY LOW.
I'M SORRY, GLORIA. I LOVE YOU,
BUT I WON'T SIT HERE
AND BE INSULTED.
[Gasps] DADDY! MA!
ARCHIE, DO SOMETHIN'. APOLOGIZE.
GEE! OKAY, MICHAEL THERE.
LOOK, UH, I'M SORRY IF I
OFFENDED YOU AND YOUR...
WHAT DO YOU CALL...
"RISTEFERIANS" THERE.
RASTAFARIANS. WHATEVER.
MR. BUNKER, YOUR
THINKIN' STINKS, YA KNOW.
FOR YOUR INFORMATION,
WE'RE ALL THE SAME.
NO, NO, WAIT A SECOND, BUDDY.
THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG!
'CAUSE AT THE TOP OF
YOUR LIST IS YOUR CLASSIC
AMERICAN BROTHER
THERE. WE WERE HERE FIRST.
WE INVENTED THE PEANUT AND YOUR...
WHAT DO YOU CALL... YOUR SOUL TRAIN THERE.
SECOND ON YOUR LIST ARE YOUR AFRICANS
WHO TRADED US FOR A BOTTLE OF RUM.
THE SELLOUTS. AND ON THE BOTTOM OF THE
LIST THERE, YOU GOT YOUR ISLAND BROTHERS,
YOUR BASIC... WHAT DO YOU
CALL... CAB DRIVER/SHORTSTOP.
OH, DADDY, STOP IT!
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD
LEARN A LOT FROM MICHAEL.
HE'S VERY CLOSE TO NATURE.
UNLIKE YOURSELF. ME, I ONLY
PUT NATURAL THINGS IN MY BODY...
FROM THE EARTH, LIKE GANJA.
AW, GEEZ.
WHAT'S GANJA?
IT'S THE CHRONIC BUD.
NOW GET MY NINE, EDITH. WE
GOT A CRACKHEAD OVER HERE.
- OH.
- CRACKHEAD?
IF YOU DON'T MIND ME SAYIN',
MR. BUNKER, IT'S ATTITUDES LIKE YOURS...
THAT CONTINUE TO ALLOW OUR PEOPLE
TO BE OPPRESSED BY THE OPPRESSOR.
AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN',
MR. HENRY BELAFONTE THERE...
[Blows Raspberry]
THAT IS IT! I AM LEAVING!
DADDY, DO SOMETHING!
HE'S THE MAN I LOVE, AND
I'M GONNA HAVE HIS BABY!
WHAT? YOU HIT THAT?
YOU HIT THAT? AW, GEEZ.
NOW, ARCHIE, CHECK YOURSELF.
REMEMBER YOUR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE.
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, EDITH.
I THINK I'M GONNA GIVE
MYSELF A STROKE RIGHT NOW.
I'M GIVING MYSELF
A STROKE, EDITH!
I'M GIVING MYSELF A STROKE HERE!
I'M GIVING MYSELF A
STROKE HERE, EDITH!
AW, ARCHIE!
ARE YOU...
ARCHIE, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
PEACHY KEEN, EDITH.
I GOT MY LOVELY WIFE HERE,
MY BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRL...
AND A SON-IN-LAW
NAMED BOB MARLEY THERE.
♪♪ [Hip-hop] ♪♪
[Men Rapping, Indistinct]
♪ WELL, BOOGIE
THING LET'S DISCO ♪
♪ CHUCK SOME
CHANGE IN THE JUKE ♪
♪ SHAKE IT, THING, JUST LET GO
GET THAT JUICE FROM THE ROOT ♪
♪ WOULD YOU MIND
IF I GOT FOOTLOOSE ♪
♪ AND PUT MY HANDS ON
YOUR SWEATY CABOOSE ♪
♪ OOH, SHE'S LIKE SUSHI ♪
♪ MY LITTLE SASHIMI
MAKIN' TIME TO SEE ME ♪♪
HELLO. MY NAME IS FRANCIS.
AND WELCOME TO THE CURLY CUE
RESTAURANT. HOW ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
FINE. GOOD. WOULD YOU LIKE TO
HEAR MY SPECIALS FOR THIS EVENING?
SURE. WHY NOT? OKAY,
WELL, FOR APPETIZERS,
WE HAVE A LOVELY BELGIAN ENDIVE
SALAD WITH GARLIC CROUTONS.
THEY ARE VERY, VERY NICE. WE
HAVE A VERY MINI GOAT CHEESE PIZZA.
IT'S LIKE AN EGGO WAFFLE,
BUT IT'S REALLY, REALLY SMALL,
AND IT HAS DIFFERENT
KINDS OF CHEESES ON IT.
IT'S REALLY, REALLY
DELICIOUS. NOW LISTEN TO THIS.
WE HAVE A BLACK BEAN
CRAB CAKE NAPOLEON.
VERY, VERY DELICIOUS.
APPEARS TO LOOK LIKE HOCKEY
PUCKS BUT ISN'T. VERY, VERY DELICIOUS.
AND WE HAVE A VERY UGLY FRUIT CHUTNEY.
NOW, WHAT WE DO IS WE COMBINE A PEACH...
- I KNOW WHAT I WANT.
- CAN YOU TELL ME
ABOUT THE CHUTNEY?
UH, SURE. THE CHUTNEY
IS ACTUALLY MADE OF A
COMBINATION OF CAP'N
CRUNCH AND POP TARTS.
WE CHOP 'EM UP
REALLY, REALLY FINE,
AND WE PUT CLEAR
GELATIN OVER 'EM,
JUST LIKE THEY MAKE
'EM IN STARBURST,
AND IT'S REALLY, REALLY GOOD.
WE TAKE THAT AND DUST IT
WITH A NORWEGIAN COCOA.
NOW, THAT'S LIKE THE COCOA YOU GET... YOU
KNOW, WITH THE LITTLE RABBIT ON THE CARTON.
BUT IT'S NOT. HEY, EXCUSE ME.
WE'RE KIND OF HUNGRY HERE.
SO COULD WE JUST GET
LIKE SOME CHIPS AND SALSA?
UH, SURE. THAT SHOULDN'T
BE A PROBLEM. GREAT.
THAT WE HAVE IN CRUSHED CORN.
IT COMES OUT OF THE SOUTHWEST.
BLUE CHIPS, TRIANGULAR. THEY'RE
REALLY, REALLY WONDERFUL.
THE CORN... THEY CALL
IT MAIZE, YOU KNOW.
THE CORN IS REALLY WONDERFUL.
THEY IMPORT THAT FROM MEXICO...
HEY, FINE. WHATEVER. JUST HURRY.
NOW FOR THE SALSAS THIS EVENING.
WE HAVE A RELISH SALSA.
THAT'S WITH A WHITE...
SHUT UP! GO GET IT!
[Stammers] RED SPEAKS.
OH, I FORGOT ALMOST! FOR
THE BEVERAGES THIS EVENING...
WATER. WATER. OH,
I AIN'T SURPRISED.
UM, WE HAVE A NORWEGIAN
POMEGRANATE SPARKLER...
WHICH YOU WILL REALLY,
REALLY LOVE... HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!
- PLAIN WATER!
- WE DON'T HAVE CRUDE OIL.
WE ALSO HAVE AN ORANGE JUICE...
HEY, BUDDY, BUDDY, BUDDY. TWO ATOMS
OF HYDROGEN, ONE ATOM OF OXYGEN,
TWO GLASSES OF WATER!
HMM. AND TWO AND
TWO MAKES FOUR, HUH?
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THIS PLACE?
NO.
AND ON MY BIRTHDAY, WE'RE
GOIN' TO SNACK-N-SHACK.
[Laughing]
OH.
LUCKY DAY! ALL RIGHT, THIS IS
FOR YOU AND ROY FIRESTONE.
NOW, WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR
OUR ENTRÉES FOR TONIGHT?
OH, YES, I WOULD LOVE
TO! THAT'S WONDERFUL.
NO! NO MORE SPECIALS, MAN.
COME ON. MAN, YOU... [Screams]
YOU SCARED THE HELL
OUT OF... ARE YOU KASHIF?
HEY, MAN. YO, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE TALKIN' ABOUT.
BUT COULD YOU TELL ME WHERE THE
BATHROOM IS? HE LOOKS JUST LIKE KASHIF.
UH, YEAH, THE BATHROOM.
CERTAINLY. YOU TAKE
THE LOVELY ROUTE BY
THE MAÎTRE D'S PODIUM.
YEAH. PAST THE COATROOM
YOU WILL SEE A PANELED WALL.
IT HAS FLOWERS ON IT LIKE
ON THE SCOOBY DOO VAN. YEAH.
REALLY, REALLY NICE. YOU GO PAST THAT.
YOU'LL SEE SOME TINY LITTLE BONSAI TREES...
JUST POINT!
WHICH WAY, MAN?
WHICH WAY? THAT WAY.
YES!
SOMEBODY HELP MY
WIFE! SHE'S CHOKING!
ANYBODY KNOW THE HEIMLICH?
UH, YES, YES. UH, CERTAINLY I DO.
I CAN ACTUALLY GO WITH
THE TRADITIONAL MOVE,
WHICH ALL I DO IS WRAP
AROUND HERE TO THE TORSO.
HOLD ON. HOLD ON. AND/OR I
CAN DO THE FRENCH ÉTOUFFÉE,
AND THAT IS A SHOT
STRAIGHT TO THE MIDSECTION,
WHICH WILL BRING THE FOOD
RIGHT OUT THROUGH THE NOSE.
OR I CAN DO THE
CARIBBEAN, WHICH I LIMBO...
SHE'S CHOKING, YOU IDIOT!
CARIBBEAN... [Grunting]
DID SHE HAVE MICROWAVE POPCORN?
HOW ABOUT YOU LIKE SOMETHING
IN A LOVELY FIST, BUDDY?
I WOULDN'T RECOMMEND YOU DO THAT,
SEE, 'CAUSE I GRAB IT HERE, CRANE HERE,
RIGHT HERE TO THE
THING, SIT YOU IN THE SEAT.
NOW, I HAVE OPTIONS AT THIS POINT.
I CAN TAKE THIS KNEE. YOU SEE IT.
ALL RIGHT? DO JUST LIKE
IN JURASSIC PARK, BABY.
ALL RIGHT?
TURN.
I GOT A KNEE TO THE MIDSECTION,
WHICH IS GONNA SHUT YOU THE HELL UP!
OR I CAN BREAK HIS COLLARBONE.
AT THIS POINT, I
HAVE SOME CHOICES.
OKAY? I CAN EITHER DO
ALL THOSE MORBID THINGS,
OR FINISH READING THE
MENU, LAWRENCE McCUTCHEON!
THE MENU. THE MENU. THE MENU.
RIGHT THIS WAY,
MR. BONDS. WE MUST HURRY.
WE DON'T WANT TO KEEP YOUR
BASEBALL FANS WAITING. THANKS, MARK.
OH, NO! MY GOD!
[Tires Screeching]
- WHAT HAPPENED?
- I THINK I HIT A WATER BUFFALO.
HEY, LET ME IN HERE. YOU
BETTER LET ME IN HERE. [Barking]
HEY, MAN, GET US
THE HELL OUT OF HERE!
- WHERE IS IT? WHERE DID IT GO?
- [Barking]
HI. HOW Y'ALL DOIN'?
WHAT DOES IT WANT?
I WANT YOU TO GET UP OUTTA
THIS CAR IS WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO.
MARK, JUST DO WHAT IT
SAYS. JUST DO WHAT IT SAYS.
I GOT YOU. YOU FINALLY HERE. DON'T
RUN FROM THIS. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
LADY, LADY, LADY! Y'ALL
GOT THE WRONG BALLPLAYER.
I'M NOT THE GUY THAT FOULED
THAT BALL OFF YOUR FACE.
OH, YOU SO CRAZY. LOOK, I
GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU.
MEET THE FRUIT OF YOUR PORK
LOINS. WANDA JR., MEET YOUR DAD.
[Loud Belching]
YOU GOT THE WRONG
GUY. LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
I'M BARRY BONDS. I'M
A BASEBALL PLAYER.
I KNOW WHO YOU ARE. YOU CAN GET
THIS RIGHT ON SLAUSON AND CRENSHAW.
I GOT REGGIE JACKSON
AND EVERYBODY.
SO WHERE WAS YOU APRIL 19
THEN? HUH? WHERE WAS YOU?
I HAD A DOUBLE-HEADER THAT
NIGHT. OOH, DOUBLE-HEADER.
I LIKE DOUBLE-HEADERS.
YOU SO KINKY. PLEASE, PLEASE.
THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT
YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER
YOU PICKED ME UP AT THE
CHUNKY MONKEY, RIGHT?
AND YOU WAS IN THIS
"LISTERINE," AND WE WAS
DRINKIN' COGNAC AND
"VODKAY" AND PORK RINDS.
'CAUSE YOU LIKE THAT STUFF. THAT'S
WHAT YOU LIKE. THAT'S WHAT YOU LIKE.
AND THEN THE NEXT
THING I KNOW, IN THE
MORNING YOU GO TRY TO
JUMP OUT THE WINDOW...
AND LEAVE ME BY MYSELF
WITH THIS RESPONSIBILITY.
YOU AIN'T RIGHT. YOU AIN'T RIGHT. YOU
GOT TO PAY FOR YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES.
HOW COULD YOU DO
ME LIKE THIS? HUH?
LET ME SEE YOUR BOOTY.
THAT'S THE WAY I CAN TELL. NO.
THAT'S A LOT OF BOOTY, BUT IT
AIN'T NO "T." WHO'S GOT THE "T"?
I'VE BEEN TRYIN' TO TELL YOU, I'M
NOT THE GUY YOU'RE LOOKIN' FOR.
WELL, ALL I KNOW... HE
WAS TALL, AND HE WAS
BLACK, AND HE WAS
DRIVIN' THIS "LISTERINE."
- OH, NO, NO, NO.
- THERE HE GO.
NO, NO, NO, NO! THERE YOU ARE!
[Man Announcing] LIVE
FROM THE INNER CITY,
IT'S EAST HOLLYWOOD SQUARES.
WITH IKE TURNER, EARTHA KITT,
GARRETT MORRIS, ISABEL SANFORD,
GARY COLEMAN, VIDEO STAR,
ANTONIO "HUGGY BEAR" VARGAS,
ESTHER ROLLE AND SKEETER.
AND NOW THE HOST OF
EAST HOLLYWOOD SQUARES,
PETER MARSHALL!
THANK YOU, KENNY. WELCOME
TO EAST HOLLYWOOD SQUARES.
HELLO, STARS. GOOD TO SEE YOU.
WELL, YOU KNOW SUSAN
HERE AND HENRY, OUR PLAYERS,
AND I WANT TO SHOW
YOU FOLKS AT HOME...
WHO OUR SECRET SQUARE
IS FOR THIS FIRST GAME.
SO, SUSIE, YOU'RE
GOING TO START IT OFF.
YOU WON THE TOSS BACKSTAGE,
SO PICK A STAR AND GOOD LUCK.
OKAY, I'LL TAKE IKE
TURNER, PLEASE.
[Peter] IKE, HOW'S IT GOING?
WHAT THE PROBLEM IS!
I SAID HOW ARE YOU? YEAH,
BACK AT YOU WITH A BASEBALL BAT.
UH, IKE, LISTEN
CAREFULLY. HOW LONG...
HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO
WHIP EGGS FOR A SOUFFLÉ?
TINA? IS THAT YOU?
TINA, YOU SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH.
UH, ARE YOU LISTENING CAREFULLY? THE
QUESTION REFERS TO WHIPPING EGGS, IKE.
OH, I THOUGHT YOU MEANT
WHIPPIN' ASS. OKAY, LOOK HERE.
UH, ALL RIGHT, PETER.
THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT.
WELL, FIRST OF ALL, YOU GOT TO BEGIN WITH
THEY'RE GOOD EGGS, THEN THEY'RE BAD EGGS.
FIRST YOU GOT TO
GET ALL UP IN HERE.
NOW, ONCE YOU UP IN THERE,
YOU GOT TO BUST IT OPEN. CRACK IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'. CRACK?
WHO SAID SOMETHIN' ABOUT CRACK?
NO, MAN, THAT AIN'T NO CRACK.
THAT WAS, UH, BAKING SODA, MAN.
I'M OFF THE NARCOTIC.
AND, TINA, IF YOU'RE
WATCHIN', CALL ME, GIRL.
I GOT A TUNE FOR YA. ALL RIGHT, PETER,
I GOTTA SAY ABOUT THREE MINUTES.
THREE MINUTES,
SUSAN. I'LL AGREE.
[Buzzer Buzzes] NO, NO, I'M
SORRY. THAT'S INCORRECT.
IT'S ABOUT, UH... IT'S
ABOUT NINE. NINE MINUTES.
AND, IKE, GET SOME HELP, PLEASE.
OKAY, UH, HENRY,
UH, PICK A STAR.
I'M GONNA GO WITH
EARTHA KITT. SURE.
EARTHA, IN THE MOVIE
BATMAN RETURNS,
WHAT BOX OFFICE STAR
PLAYED CATWOMAN?
WELL, PETER... [Purrs]
I HATE TO BE
CATTY, BUT I DO, UH...
I DO SAY THAT AFTER ALL I
SHOULD'VE PLAYED THE PART.
THAT MICHELLE PFEIFFER IS
JUST NOT HALF THE "CAT-RESS" I AM.
SHE WAS A CATASTROPHE. [Hacking]
JUST AS I THOUGHT. A HAIR BALL.
I BELIEVE THE ANSWER IS... HER
ANSWER IS MICHELLE PFEIFFER.
I'LL AGREE. CORRECT.
"X" GETS THE SQUARE.
ALL RIGHT, SUSAN. YOUR TURN.
OKAY, I'LL GOT WITH
ISABEL SANFORD.
[Peter] ISABEL, DEAR,
NICE TO SEE YOU.
[Deep Voice] YES, GEORGE.
NO, NO, NO, ISABEL.
IT'S PETER HERE.
OH, I'M SORRY, MR. BENTLEY.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
ACCORDING TO THE FOOD
AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION,
WHAT'S PART OF A
WELL-BALANCED BREAKFAST?
OH, THAT'S SIMPLE.
CORN FLAKES, TOAST,
WHISKEY, CIGARETTES,
PERHAPS THAT FUR BALL
SHE JUST COUGHED UP...
AND A HINT OF SCHNAPPS.
ISABEL, GIRL, YOU
SOUND KINDA CUTE.
CAN YOU TAKE A PUNCH? [Snorting]
WELL, PETER, I'M GONNA
HAVE TO DISAGREE. [Bell Dings]
CORRECT. CIRCLE GETS THE SQUARE.
PUT THE CIRCLE UP THERE,
ISABEL. THERE YOU ARE.
YOU KNOW, WE'VE BEEN PLAYING
THE GAME HERE ALL EVENING.
WE HAVEN'T EVEN HEARD FROM
OUR GOOD FRIEND GARY COLEMAN.
GARY, HOW'RE YOU DOING UP
THERE? HOW YA DOIN', PETER?
NICE... GOOD, GOOD. YOU
SEE THAT? [Audience Applauding]
TELL US... WHAT
HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO?
WELL, I JUST FINISHED
MY NEW BOOK,
WHAT YOU TALKIN'
ABOUT? I'M NOT WEBSTER.
ALL RIGHT. YOUR PICK, HENRY.
I'M THINKING OF GOING WITH MY FAVORITE
ACTOR, ANTONIO VARGAS. CERTAINLY.
[Siren Wailing]
[Peter] THAT'S IT. THAT
IS THE SECRET SQUARE.
ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO, FOR
THE GAME. WE GO TO HUGGY BEAR.
WHAT WERE GEORGE
WASHINGTON'S FALSE TEETH MADE OF?
I DON'T KNOW NOTHIN', STARSKY,
BUT THE WORD ON THE STREET
SAYS THAT BARETTA'S GOT A BIRD.
AND THERE'S STUFF
COMIN' IN ON PIER 4.
YOU KNOW, I HAD
GOLDFISH IN MY STASH.
ALL RIGHT. DO YOU
AGREE OR DISAGREE?
I'LL AGREE. NO.
[Buzzer Buzzes] I'M TERRIBLY
SORRY. YOU SHOULD'VE DISAGREED.
SUSAN, WELL, YOU CAN WIN
IT ALL RIGHT HERE, OKAY?
OH, THIS IS SO EXCITING. I'M
GONNA TAKE HUGGY BEAR TO WIN!
FOR THE WIN, ANTONIO, WHAT DO GEORGIA,
FLORIDA AND THE CAROLINAS HAVE IN COMMON?
HEY, HEY, HEY, HUTCH, HUTCH. I DON'T
KNOW NOTHIN' ABOUT NOTHIN', MAN.
BUT ALL I KNOW IS
WORD IS ON THE STREET...
THAT THEY ALL DOWN
WITH A PIMP NAMED SILKY.
I'LL DISAGREE. [Bell Dings]
CIRCLE GETS THE
SQUARE AND THE GAME.
CONGRATULATIONS, SUSAN. IT
LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE OUR NEW CHAMPION.
UH, PETER, EXCUSE ME, BUT
NOBODY ASKED ME ANYTHING UP HERE.
I'M WONDERIN' WHY
NOBODY ASKED ME NOTHIN'.
'CAUSE YOU'RE TOO
DAMN LOUD! THAT'S WHY!
WHO YOU CALLIN' LOUD, YOU
OLD CROW? CRACK-SMOKIN'...
BOY, YOU BETTER SHUT UP. I'LL
WHOOP YOU LIKE YOU WAS TINA!
I'LL PERM YOUR CURLS.
I'LL STICK MY FOOT IN YOUR BEHIND
AND KICK IT TO HELL AND BACK!
I'LL KILL YOU! DID
SOMEONE SAY HELEN?
WELL, THAT DOES IT FOR THIS SESSION
OF THE EAST HOLLYWOOD SQUARES.
THANK YOU, STARS. THANK YOU,
PLAYERS. THANK YOU, AUDIENCE.
AND JOIN US NEXT TIME FOR MORE FUN ON
THE EAST HOLLYWOOD SQUARES. BYE-BYE.
THANKS FOR WATCHIN'. WE'LL SEE YOU
NEXT WEEK. GOOD NIGHT, TOMAHAWK.
♪♪ [Theme]
♪♪ [Continues]
AND I'M AL SHARPTON. AND WE HAVE
FINALLY FOUND A PLACE IN THIS WORLD...
BIG AND LOUD ENOUGH
FOR THE BOTH OF US...
THE HOME FITNESS INDUSTRY.
AND OUR NEW FITNESS PROGRAM COVERS
ALL THE BASES, INCLUDING STEP AEROBICS.
YOU CAN LOSE POUNDS,
INCHES AND HOSTILITIES.
WHILE STEPPING
ON THOSE YOU HATE.
STEP ON THE HOMELESS. STEP ON
THE LIBERAL. STEP ON THE SPOTTED OWL.
STEP ON THE WHITE MAN.
STEP ON THE WHITE MAN.
STEP ON THE WHITE MAN.
USE OUR SPECIALLY DESIGNED
WORKOUT EQUIPMENT,
PERFECT FOR YOU BOXERS OR ANYONE
WHO LIKES TO WEAR A ROBE ONCE IN A WHILE.
TAKE THAT, BOY IN THE HOOD.
THE MAN MAY HAVE OPPRESSED YOU,
BUT YOU CAN STILL PRESS SOME
WEIGHT ON OUR NEW BOBOFLEX.
GET OFF OF ME, PIG!
GET OFF OF ME, PIG!
BUILD UP YOUR LEG MUSCLES ON
OUR RUN FOR YOUR LIFE TREADMILL...
FOR WHEN YOU HAVE TO MAKE A QUICK GETAWAY
FROM THE GUN-TOTING HORDES OF MIAMI.
OR THE GOOD CITIZENS
OF BENSONHURST.
LOOK. AIN'T THAT YOUR MAMA
TONGUE-KISSIN' LOUIS FARRAKHAN?
WHOA!
AND IF YOU ORDER OUR
FITNESS PROGRAM TODAY,
WE WILL SEND YOU OUR
HELPFUL DEAL SOME MEAL CARDS.
HELP ME OUT, MICHELIN MAN. DON'T
YOU MEAN HANDOUT, FREELOADING WILLY?
LET ME SHOW YOU HOW IT WORKS.
WHEN YOU'RE DONE EATING
ALL THE FOOD LISTED ON
THESE CARDLETS, YOU'RE
DONE EATIN' THE MEAL.
THE SHAKES ARE EASY TO MAKE.
SIMPLY ADD YOUR FAVORITE INGREDIENTS.
SOME FRIED CHICKEN FOR AL.
AND A CRACKER FOR THE CRACKER.
BLEND THUSLY.
MMM!
MMM-MMM-MMM! MMM.
IF THAT'S LOW-CAL, THAT MUST
BE RUSH 'N AL'S! RUSH 'N AL'S!
SO REMEMBER, IF YOUR
BUTT IS AS BIG AS THE DEFICIT...
AND YOUR MUSCLES AS WEAK
AS CLINTON'S HEALTH PLAN,
YOU'VE GOTTA TAKE FIRM ACTION.
DON'T YOU MEAN
AFFIRMATIVE ACTION? HELL, NO.
SEND FOR OUR FITNESS PROGRAM TODAY,
BECAUSE EVEN IF WE CAN'T ALL GET ALONG...
CAN'T WE ALL SWEAT ALONG?
COME ON, EVERYBODY! YES, SIR!
[Man Announcing] SEND $199.95 TO RUSH
'N AL'S CAN'T WE ALL JUST SWEAT ALONG?
P.O. BOX "A," FATBACK,
MISSISSIPPI, 60606.
- [Laughing]
- ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
- ♪ TAKE IT FROM ME
IT'S A'IGHT TO BE ♪
- HI-YAH!
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ AND HOW WOULD YA... HOW
WOULD YA... HOW WOULD YA F... ♪
♪ HOW WOULD YOU FEEL KNOWING
PREJUDICE WAS OBSOLETE ♪
♪ AND ALL MANKIND
DANCED TO THE EXACT BEAT ♪
[Echoing] ♪ AND AT NIGHT IT WAS
SAFE TO WALK DOWN THE STREET ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
[Turntable Scratching]
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪
[Laughing]
MA, SLOW DOWN! I'M
TRYIN' TO TALK TO YA!
GLORIA, ARCHIE WILL
BE HOME ANY MINUTE.
AND IF HE DOESN'T GET HIS
DINNER BY 6:00, HE GETS GAS...
AND HE POOPS IN HIS SLEEP.
OH, ARCHIE, YOU'RE
HOME. HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
IT WAS FRESH, EDITH.
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA
GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TODAY.
YOU DIDN'T GET PULLED
OVER BY THE COPS?
NO, I DIDN'T GET PULLED OVER
BY THE COPS, YOU DINGBAT.
WE WERE EATING LUNCH TODAY,
AND THIS TRUCKER COMES BY, YOU SEE.
SO WE PULL HIM OUT OF HIS CAB.
WE BEAT THE HELL OUTTA THAT HONKY.
OH, THAT'S TERRIBLE, ARCHIE.
NO, EDITH, THAT'S GOOD,
BECAUSE THE TRUCKER TURNED
OUT TO BE STRETCH CUNNINGHAM.
HE'LL BE OUT FOR SIX WEEKS,
AND I'M TAKING OVER HIS JOB.
DADDY! HOW CAN YOU
CELEBRATE SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
LIKE THIS. WHOOP-DE-DO!
WHOOP-DE-DO! WHOOP-DE-DO!
NOW, WHERE THE
HELL IS DINNER, EDITH?
OH, WE'RE WAITIN' FOR GLORIA'S
NEW BOYFRIEND, MICHAEL.
YEAH, DADDY, AND I WANT YOU
TO BE REALLY COOL WITH HIM.
DON'T WORRY, LITTLE GIRL. IF HE
MAKES YOU HAPPY, HE MAKES ME HAPPY.
[Doorbell Rings] NOW OPEN THE
DOOR FOR THE HAMHOCKHEAD.
DADDY!
HI, MICHAEL!
HELLO, EVERYONE.
MY, WHAT AN INTERESTIN'
WEAVE. WHO HOOKED YA UP?
I GREW IT MYSELF, AND
THEY'RE CALLED DREADLOCKS.
DREADLOCKS, SCHMEADLOCKS.
THAT'S A DRIED-UP JHERI CURL THERE.
LOOKS LIKE AN ACTIVATOR
WENT ON STRIKE THERE, MICHAEL.
MR. BUNKER, YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND. I'M JAMAICAN.
JAMAICAN, HAITIAN, DOMINICAN... WHAT THE
HELL'S THE DIFFERENCE? YOU NEED A FADE.
DADDY! CASE CLOSED. LET'S GRUB.
WELL, EVERYBODY SIT DOWN.
ARCHIE, I HOPE YOU LIKE IT. IT'S
YOUR FAVORITE... COLLARD GREENS.
WHERE THE HELL DID YOU PICK
THESE, EDITH? THEY SMELL TERRIBLE.
YOU BEEN DOWN TO THE
RAILROAD TRACKS AGAIN?
THEY SMELL LIKE
SOMEBODY'S ARMPITS.
NO, MR. BUNKER. I'M
AFRAID THAT IS ME.
I AM AU NATUREL.
WHAT'S AU NATUREL?
MA, THAT MEANS HE DOESN'T
BELIEVE IN USING DEODORANTS.
OH. OHHH!
YOU'D THINK BEIN'
SURROUNDED BY ALL THAT WATER,
THEY'D AT LEAST TOUCH
IT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.
BUT WHAT WOULD YOU EXPECT?
JAMAICANS RANK PRETTY LOW.
I'M SORRY, GLORIA. I LOVE YOU,
BUT I WON'T SIT HERE
AND BE INSULTED.
[Gasps] DADDY! MA!
ARCHIE, DO SOMETHIN'. APOLOGIZE.
GEE! OKAY, MICHAEL THERE.
LOOK, UH, I'M SORRY IF I
OFFENDED YOU AND YOUR...
WHAT DO YOU CALL...
"RISTEFERIANS" THERE.
RASTAFARIANS. WHATEVER.
MR. BUNKER, YOUR
THINKIN' STINKS, YA KNOW.
FOR YOUR INFORMATION,
WE'RE ALL THE SAME.
NO, NO, WAIT A SECOND, BUDDY.
THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG!
'CAUSE AT THE TOP OF
YOUR LIST IS YOUR CLASSIC
AMERICAN BROTHER
THERE. WE WERE HERE FIRST.
WE INVENTED THE PEANUT AND YOUR...
WHAT DO YOU CALL... YOUR SOUL TRAIN THERE.
SECOND ON YOUR LIST ARE YOUR AFRICANS
WHO TRADED US FOR A BOTTLE OF RUM.
THE SELLOUTS. AND ON THE BOTTOM OF THE
LIST THERE, YOU GOT YOUR ISLAND BROTHERS,
YOUR BASIC... WHAT DO YOU
CALL... CAB DRIVER/SHORTSTOP.
OH, DADDY, STOP IT!
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD
LEARN A LOT FROM MICHAEL.
HE'S VERY CLOSE TO NATURE.
UNLIKE YOURSELF. ME, I ONLY
PUT NATURAL THINGS IN MY BODY...
FROM THE EARTH, LIKE GANJA.
AW, GEEZ.
WHAT'S GANJA?
IT'S THE CHRONIC BUD.
NOW GET MY NINE, EDITH. WE
GOT A CRACKHEAD OVER HERE.
- OH.
- CRACKHEAD?
IF YOU DON'T MIND ME SAYIN',
MR. BUNKER, IT'S ATTITUDES LIKE YOURS...
THAT CONTINUE TO ALLOW OUR PEOPLE
TO BE OPPRESSED BY THE OPPRESSOR.
AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN',
MR. HENRY BELAFONTE THERE...
[Blows Raspberry]
THAT IS IT! I AM LEAVING!
DADDY, DO SOMETHING!
HE'S THE MAN I LOVE, AND
I'M GONNA HAVE HIS BABY!
WHAT? YOU HIT THAT?
YOU HIT THAT? AW, GEEZ.
NOW, ARCHIE, CHECK YOURSELF.
REMEMBER YOUR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE.
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, EDITH.
I THINK I'M GONNA GIVE
MYSELF A STROKE RIGHT NOW.
I'M GIVING MYSELF
A STROKE, EDITH!
I'M GIVING MYSELF A STROKE HERE!
I'M GIVING MYSELF A
STROKE HERE, EDITH!
AW, ARCHIE!
ARE YOU...
ARCHIE, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
PEACHY KEEN, EDITH.
I GOT MY LOVELY WIFE HERE,
MY BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRL...
AND A SON-IN-LAW
NAMED BOB MARLEY THERE.
♪♪ [Hip-hop] ♪♪
[Men Rapping, Indistinct]
♪ WELL, BOOGIE
THING LET'S DISCO ♪
♪ CHUCK SOME
CHANGE IN THE JUKE ♪
♪ SHAKE IT, THING, JUST LET GO
GET THAT JUICE FROM THE ROOT ♪
♪ WOULD YOU MIND
IF I GOT FOOTLOOSE ♪
♪ AND PUT MY HANDS ON
YOUR SWEATY CABOOSE ♪
♪ OOH, SHE'S LIKE SUSHI ♪
♪ MY LITTLE SASHIMI
MAKIN' TIME TO SEE ME ♪♪
HELLO. MY NAME IS FRANCIS.
AND WELCOME TO THE CURLY CUE
RESTAURANT. HOW ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
FINE. GOOD. WOULD YOU LIKE TO
HEAR MY SPECIALS FOR THIS EVENING?
SURE. WHY NOT? OKAY,
WELL, FOR APPETIZERS,
WE HAVE A LOVELY BELGIAN ENDIVE
SALAD WITH GARLIC CROUTONS.
THEY ARE VERY, VERY NICE. WE
HAVE A VERY MINI GOAT CHEESE PIZZA.
IT'S LIKE AN EGGO WAFFLE,
BUT IT'S REALLY, REALLY SMALL,
AND IT HAS DIFFERENT
KINDS OF CHEESES ON IT.
IT'S REALLY, REALLY
DELICIOUS. NOW LISTEN TO THIS.
WE HAVE A BLACK BEAN
CRAB CAKE NAPOLEON.
VERY, VERY DELICIOUS.
APPEARS TO LOOK LIKE HOCKEY
PUCKS BUT ISN'T. VERY, VERY DELICIOUS.
AND WE HAVE A VERY UGLY FRUIT CHUTNEY.
NOW, WHAT WE DO IS WE COMBINE A PEACH...
- I KNOW WHAT I WANT.
- CAN YOU TELL ME
ABOUT THE CHUTNEY?
UH, SURE. THE CHUTNEY
IS ACTUALLY MADE OF A
COMBINATION OF CAP'N
CRUNCH AND POP TARTS.
WE CHOP 'EM UP
REALLY, REALLY FINE,
AND WE PUT CLEAR
GELATIN OVER 'EM,
JUST LIKE THEY MAKE
'EM IN STARBURST,
AND IT'S REALLY, REALLY GOOD.
WE TAKE THAT AND DUST IT
WITH A NORWEGIAN COCOA.
NOW, THAT'S LIKE THE COCOA YOU GET... YOU
KNOW, WITH THE LITTLE RABBIT ON THE CARTON.
BUT IT'S NOT. HEY, EXCUSE ME.
WE'RE KIND OF HUNGRY HERE.
SO COULD WE JUST GET
LIKE SOME CHIPS AND SALSA?
UH, SURE. THAT SHOULDN'T
BE A PROBLEM. GREAT.
THAT WE HAVE IN CRUSHED CORN.
IT COMES OUT OF THE SOUTHWEST.
BLUE CHIPS, TRIANGULAR. THEY'RE
REALLY, REALLY WONDERFUL.
THE CORN... THEY CALL
IT MAIZE, YOU KNOW.
THE CORN IS REALLY WONDERFUL.
THEY IMPORT THAT FROM MEXICO...
HEY, FINE. WHATEVER. JUST HURRY.
NOW FOR THE SALSAS THIS EVENING.
WE HAVE A RELISH SALSA.
THAT'S WITH A WHITE...
SHUT UP! GO GET IT!
[Stammers] RED SPEAKS.
OH, I FORGOT ALMOST! FOR
THE BEVERAGES THIS EVENING...
WATER. WATER. OH,
I AIN'T SURPRISED.
UM, WE HAVE A NORWEGIAN
POMEGRANATE SPARKLER...
WHICH YOU WILL REALLY,
REALLY LOVE... HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!
- PLAIN WATER!
- WE DON'T HAVE CRUDE OIL.
WE ALSO HAVE AN ORANGE JUICE...
HEY, BUDDY, BUDDY, BUDDY. TWO ATOMS
OF HYDROGEN, ONE ATOM OF OXYGEN,
TWO GLASSES OF WATER!
HMM. AND TWO AND
TWO MAKES FOUR, HUH?
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THIS PLACE?
NO.
AND ON MY BIRTHDAY, WE'RE
GOIN' TO SNACK-N-SHACK.
[Laughing]
OH.
LUCKY DAY! ALL RIGHT, THIS IS
FOR YOU AND ROY FIRESTONE.
NOW, WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR
OUR ENTRÉES FOR TONIGHT?
OH, YES, I WOULD LOVE
TO! THAT'S WONDERFUL.
NO! NO MORE SPECIALS, MAN.
COME ON. MAN, YOU... [Screams]
YOU SCARED THE HELL
OUT OF... ARE YOU KASHIF?
HEY, MAN. YO, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE TALKIN' ABOUT.
BUT COULD YOU TELL ME WHERE THE
BATHROOM IS? HE LOOKS JUST LIKE KASHIF.
UH, YEAH, THE BATHROOM.
CERTAINLY. YOU TAKE
THE LOVELY ROUTE BY
THE MAÎTRE D'S PODIUM.
YEAH. PAST THE COATROOM
YOU WILL SEE A PANELED WALL.
IT HAS FLOWERS ON IT LIKE
ON THE SCOOBY DOO VAN. YEAH.
REALLY, REALLY NICE. YOU GO PAST THAT.
YOU'LL SEE SOME TINY LITTLE BONSAI TREES...
JUST POINT!
WHICH WAY, MAN?
WHICH WAY? THAT WAY.
YES!
SOMEBODY HELP MY
WIFE! SHE'S CHOKING!
ANYBODY KNOW THE HEIMLICH?
UH, YES, YES. UH, CERTAINLY I DO.
I CAN ACTUALLY GO WITH
THE TRADITIONAL MOVE,
WHICH ALL I DO IS WRAP
AROUND HERE TO THE TORSO.
HOLD ON. HOLD ON. AND/OR I
CAN DO THE FRENCH ÉTOUFFÉE,
AND THAT IS A SHOT
STRAIGHT TO THE MIDSECTION,
WHICH WILL BRING THE FOOD
RIGHT OUT THROUGH THE NOSE.
OR I CAN DO THE
CARIBBEAN, WHICH I LIMBO...
SHE'S CHOKING, YOU IDIOT!
CARIBBEAN... [Grunting]
DID SHE HAVE MICROWAVE POPCORN?
HOW ABOUT YOU LIKE SOMETHING
IN A LOVELY FIST, BUDDY?
I WOULDN'T RECOMMEND YOU DO THAT,
SEE, 'CAUSE I GRAB IT HERE, CRANE HERE,
RIGHT HERE TO THE
THING, SIT YOU IN THE SEAT.
NOW, I HAVE OPTIONS AT THIS POINT.
I CAN TAKE THIS KNEE. YOU SEE IT.
ALL RIGHT? DO JUST LIKE
IN JURASSIC PARK, BABY.
ALL RIGHT?
TURN.
I GOT A KNEE TO THE MIDSECTION,
WHICH IS GONNA SHUT YOU THE HELL UP!
OR I CAN BREAK HIS COLLARBONE.
AT THIS POINT, I
HAVE SOME CHOICES.
OKAY? I CAN EITHER DO
ALL THOSE MORBID THINGS,
OR FINISH READING THE
MENU, LAWRENCE McCUTCHEON!
THE MENU. THE MENU. THE MENU.
RIGHT THIS WAY,
MR. BONDS. WE MUST HURRY.
WE DON'T WANT TO KEEP YOUR
BASEBALL FANS WAITING. THANKS, MARK.
OH, NO! MY GOD!
[Tires Screeching]
- WHAT HAPPENED?
- I THINK I HIT A WATER BUFFALO.
HEY, LET ME IN HERE. YOU
BETTER LET ME IN HERE. [Barking]
HEY, MAN, GET US
THE HELL OUT OF HERE!
- WHERE IS IT? WHERE DID IT GO?
- [Barking]
HI. HOW Y'ALL DOIN'?
WHAT DOES IT WANT?
I WANT YOU TO GET UP OUTTA
THIS CAR IS WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO.
MARK, JUST DO WHAT IT
SAYS. JUST DO WHAT IT SAYS.
I GOT YOU. YOU FINALLY HERE. DON'T
RUN FROM THIS. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
LADY, LADY, LADY! Y'ALL
GOT THE WRONG BALLPLAYER.
I'M NOT THE GUY THAT FOULED
THAT BALL OFF YOUR FACE.
OH, YOU SO CRAZY. LOOK, I
GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU.
MEET THE FRUIT OF YOUR PORK
LOINS. WANDA JR., MEET YOUR DAD.
[Loud Belching]
YOU GOT THE WRONG
GUY. LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
I'M BARRY BONDS. I'M
A BASEBALL PLAYER.
I KNOW WHO YOU ARE. YOU CAN GET
THIS RIGHT ON SLAUSON AND CRENSHAW.
I GOT REGGIE JACKSON
AND EVERYBODY.
SO WHERE WAS YOU APRIL 19
THEN? HUH? WHERE WAS YOU?
I HAD A DOUBLE-HEADER THAT
NIGHT. OOH, DOUBLE-HEADER.
I LIKE DOUBLE-HEADERS.
YOU SO KINKY. PLEASE, PLEASE.
THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT
YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER
YOU PICKED ME UP AT THE
CHUNKY MONKEY, RIGHT?
AND YOU WAS IN THIS
"LISTERINE," AND WE WAS
DRINKIN' COGNAC AND
"VODKAY" AND PORK RINDS.
'CAUSE YOU LIKE THAT STUFF. THAT'S
WHAT YOU LIKE. THAT'S WHAT YOU LIKE.
AND THEN THE NEXT
THING I KNOW, IN THE
MORNING YOU GO TRY TO
JUMP OUT THE WINDOW...
AND LEAVE ME BY MYSELF
WITH THIS RESPONSIBILITY.
YOU AIN'T RIGHT. YOU AIN'T RIGHT. YOU
GOT TO PAY FOR YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES.
HOW COULD YOU DO
ME LIKE THIS? HUH?
LET ME SEE YOUR BOOTY.
THAT'S THE WAY I CAN TELL. NO.
THAT'S A LOT OF BOOTY, BUT IT
AIN'T NO "T." WHO'S GOT THE "T"?
I'VE BEEN TRYIN' TO TELL YOU, I'M
NOT THE GUY YOU'RE LOOKIN' FOR.
WELL, ALL I KNOW... HE
WAS TALL, AND HE WAS
BLACK, AND HE WAS
DRIVIN' THIS "LISTERINE."
- OH, NO, NO, NO.
- THERE HE GO.
NO, NO, NO, NO! THERE YOU ARE!
[Man Announcing] LIVE
FROM THE INNER CITY,
IT'S EAST HOLLYWOOD SQUARES.
WITH IKE TURNER, EARTHA KITT,
GARRETT MORRIS, ISABEL SANFORD,
GARY COLEMAN, VIDEO STAR,
ANTONIO "HUGGY BEAR" VARGAS,
ESTHER ROLLE AND SKEETER.
AND NOW THE HOST OF
EAST HOLLYWOOD SQUARES,
PETER MARSHALL!
THANK YOU, KENNY. WELCOME
TO EAST HOLLYWOOD SQUARES.
HELLO, STARS. GOOD TO SEE YOU.
WELL, YOU KNOW SUSAN
HERE AND HENRY, OUR PLAYERS,
AND I WANT TO SHOW
YOU FOLKS AT HOME...
WHO OUR SECRET SQUARE
IS FOR THIS FIRST GAME.
SO, SUSIE, YOU'RE
GOING TO START IT OFF.
YOU WON THE TOSS BACKSTAGE,
SO PICK A STAR AND GOOD LUCK.
OKAY, I'LL TAKE IKE
TURNER, PLEASE.
[Peter] IKE, HOW'S IT GOING?
WHAT THE PROBLEM IS!
I SAID HOW ARE YOU? YEAH,
BACK AT YOU WITH A BASEBALL BAT.
UH, IKE, LISTEN
CAREFULLY. HOW LONG...
HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO
WHIP EGGS FOR A SOUFFLÉ?
TINA? IS THAT YOU?
TINA, YOU SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH.
UH, ARE YOU LISTENING CAREFULLY? THE
QUESTION REFERS TO WHIPPING EGGS, IKE.
OH, I THOUGHT YOU MEANT
WHIPPIN' ASS. OKAY, LOOK HERE.
UH, ALL RIGHT, PETER.
THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT.
WELL, FIRST OF ALL, YOU GOT TO BEGIN WITH
THEY'RE GOOD EGGS, THEN THEY'RE BAD EGGS.
FIRST YOU GOT TO
GET ALL UP IN HERE.
NOW, ONCE YOU UP IN THERE,
YOU GOT TO BUST IT OPEN. CRACK IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'. CRACK?
WHO SAID SOMETHIN' ABOUT CRACK?
NO, MAN, THAT AIN'T NO CRACK.
THAT WAS, UH, BAKING SODA, MAN.
I'M OFF THE NARCOTIC.
AND, TINA, IF YOU'RE
WATCHIN', CALL ME, GIRL.
I GOT A TUNE FOR YA. ALL RIGHT, PETER,
I GOTTA SAY ABOUT THREE MINUTES.
THREE MINUTES,
SUSAN. I'LL AGREE.
[Buzzer Buzzes] NO, NO, I'M
SORRY. THAT'S INCORRECT.
IT'S ABOUT, UH... IT'S
ABOUT NINE. NINE MINUTES.
AND, IKE, GET SOME HELP, PLEASE.
OKAY, UH, HENRY,
UH, PICK A STAR.
I'M GONNA GO WITH
EARTHA KITT. SURE.
EARTHA, IN THE MOVIE
BATMAN RETURNS,
WHAT BOX OFFICE STAR
PLAYED CATWOMAN?
WELL, PETER... [Purrs]
I HATE TO BE
CATTY, BUT I DO, UH...
I DO SAY THAT AFTER ALL I
SHOULD'VE PLAYED THE PART.
THAT MICHELLE PFEIFFER IS
JUST NOT HALF THE "CAT-RESS" I AM.
SHE WAS A CATASTROPHE. [Hacking]
JUST AS I THOUGHT. A HAIR BALL.
I BELIEVE THE ANSWER IS... HER
ANSWER IS MICHELLE PFEIFFER.
I'LL AGREE. CORRECT.
"X" GETS THE SQUARE.
ALL RIGHT, SUSAN. YOUR TURN.
OKAY, I'LL GOT WITH
ISABEL SANFORD.
[Peter] ISABEL, DEAR,
NICE TO SEE YOU.
[Deep Voice] YES, GEORGE.
NO, NO, NO, ISABEL.
IT'S PETER HERE.
OH, I'M SORRY, MR. BENTLEY.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
ACCORDING TO THE FOOD
AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION,
WHAT'S PART OF A
WELL-BALANCED BREAKFAST?
OH, THAT'S SIMPLE.
CORN FLAKES, TOAST,
WHISKEY, CIGARETTES,
PERHAPS THAT FUR BALL
SHE JUST COUGHED UP...
AND A HINT OF SCHNAPPS.
ISABEL, GIRL, YOU
SOUND KINDA CUTE.
CAN YOU TAKE A PUNCH? [Snorting]
WELL, PETER, I'M GONNA
HAVE TO DISAGREE. [Bell Dings]
CORRECT. CIRCLE GETS THE SQUARE.
PUT THE CIRCLE UP THERE,
ISABEL. THERE YOU ARE.
YOU KNOW, WE'VE BEEN PLAYING
THE GAME HERE ALL EVENING.
WE HAVEN'T EVEN HEARD FROM
OUR GOOD FRIEND GARY COLEMAN.
GARY, HOW'RE YOU DOING UP
THERE? HOW YA DOIN', PETER?
NICE... GOOD, GOOD. YOU
SEE THAT? [Audience Applauding]
TELL US... WHAT
HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO?
WELL, I JUST FINISHED
MY NEW BOOK,
WHAT YOU TALKIN'
ABOUT? I'M NOT WEBSTER.
ALL RIGHT. YOUR PICK, HENRY.
I'M THINKING OF GOING WITH MY FAVORITE
ACTOR, ANTONIO VARGAS. CERTAINLY.
[Siren Wailing]
[Peter] THAT'S IT. THAT
IS THE SECRET SQUARE.
ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO, FOR
THE GAME. WE GO TO HUGGY BEAR.
WHAT WERE GEORGE
WASHINGTON'S FALSE TEETH MADE OF?
I DON'T KNOW NOTHIN', STARSKY,
BUT THE WORD ON THE STREET
SAYS THAT BARETTA'S GOT A BIRD.
AND THERE'S STUFF
COMIN' IN ON PIER 4.
YOU KNOW, I HAD
GOLDFISH IN MY STASH.
ALL RIGHT. DO YOU
AGREE OR DISAGREE?
I'LL AGREE. NO.
[Buzzer Buzzes] I'M TERRIBLY
SORRY. YOU SHOULD'VE DISAGREED.
SUSAN, WELL, YOU CAN WIN
IT ALL RIGHT HERE, OKAY?
OH, THIS IS SO EXCITING. I'M
GONNA TAKE HUGGY BEAR TO WIN!
FOR THE WIN, ANTONIO, WHAT DO GEORGIA,
FLORIDA AND THE CAROLINAS HAVE IN COMMON?
HEY, HEY, HEY, HUTCH, HUTCH. I DON'T
KNOW NOTHIN' ABOUT NOTHIN', MAN.
BUT ALL I KNOW IS
WORD IS ON THE STREET...
THAT THEY ALL DOWN
WITH A PIMP NAMED SILKY.
I'LL DISAGREE. [Bell Dings]
CIRCLE GETS THE
SQUARE AND THE GAME.
CONGRATULATIONS, SUSAN. IT
LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE OUR NEW CHAMPION.
UH, PETER, EXCUSE ME, BUT
NOBODY ASKED ME ANYTHING UP HERE.
I'M WONDERIN' WHY
NOBODY ASKED ME NOTHIN'.
'CAUSE YOU'RE TOO
DAMN LOUD! THAT'S WHY!
WHO YOU CALLIN' LOUD, YOU
OLD CROW? CRACK-SMOKIN'...
BOY, YOU BETTER SHUT UP. I'LL
WHOOP YOU LIKE YOU WAS TINA!
I'LL PERM YOUR CURLS.
I'LL STICK MY FOOT IN YOUR BEHIND
AND KICK IT TO HELL AND BACK!
I'LL KILL YOU! DID
SOMEONE SAY HELEN?
WELL, THAT DOES IT FOR THIS SESSION
OF THE EAST HOLLYWOOD SQUARES.
THANK YOU, STARS. THANK YOU,
PLAYERS. THANK YOU, AUDIENCE.
AND JOIN US NEXT TIME FOR MORE FUN ON
THE EAST HOLLYWOOD SQUARES. BYE-BYE.
THANKS FOR WATCHIN'. WE'LL SEE YOU
NEXT WEEK. GOOD NIGHT, TOMAHAWK.
♪♪ [Theme]
♪♪ [Continues]