In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 5, Episode 5 - The Irish Singer - full transcript
- [Laughing]
- ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
- ♪ TAKE IT FROM ME
IT'S A'IGHT TO BE ♪
- HI-YAH!
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ AND HOW WOULD YA... HOW
WOULD YA... HOW WOULD YA F... ♪
♪ HOW WOULD YOU FEEL KNOWING
PREJUDICE WAS OBSOLETE ♪
♪ AND ALL MANKIND
DANCED TO THE EXACT BEAT ♪
[Echoing] ♪ AND AT NIGHT IT WAS
SAFE TO WALK DOWN THE STREET ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
[Turntable Scratching]
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪
[Laughing]
[Crowd Booing] [Sportscaster]
RONNIE THOMAS MISSES AGAIN!
I'M TRYING TO REMEMBER THE LAST
TIME HE WAS THIS OFF IN A BIG GAME.
[Sportscaster #2] HE
LOOKS DISTRACTED, MARV.
HEY, THOMAS. YOU
STINK, MAN! HEY, THOMAS.
YOU COULDN'T DRIVE
ON MISS DAISY, A'IGHT.
HEY, THOMAS. YOU COULDN'T
SHOOT IF YOU HAD AN AK-47.
HELL, MAN. HEY, THOMAS. YOU
BEEN ON THE BENCH SO LONG,
YOUR LITTLE BOY WAS BORN
WITH SPLINTERS IN HIS BUTT!
[Sportscaster #2] NEW YORK
TAKES A TIME-OUT. [Horn Blows]
OH, MAN. H-HEY, GUYS,
LOOK. I'M SORRY. ALL RIGHT?
JUST-JUST HAND ME THE
BALL. I'LL GET HOT. REALLY.
HOT? HOT? HEY, HALLE BERRY
NAKED COULDN'T GET YOU HOT, MAN.
HEY, YOU COULDN'T SCORE IF YOU WENT
ON A DATE WITH HEIDI FLEISS, ALL RIGHT?
GET OUT A HERE, YA BUM! HE'S
GETTING TO YOUR HEAD, MAN!
N-N-N-NO, HE ISN'T. I
CAN BLOCK IT OUT, MAN.
LISTEN, BROTHER, YOU
DON'T BOTHER ME, OKAY?
WHY SHOULD I BOTHER YOU, IF
LOSING DOESN'T BOTHER YOU?
HEY, MAYBE THEY COULD TRADE
YOU FOR SOMETHING USEFUL,
SOMETHING LIKE-LIKE...
LIKE A DUST MOP, ALL RIGHT?
I MEAN, I BET EVEN YOUR CAT
COUGHS UP AIR BALLS, ALL RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT, BUDDY. ALL
RIGHT, MAN, COME ON. LET'S GO!
LET'S GO, MAN!
LET'S GO! HEY, SEC...
SEC-SECURITY! SECURITY!
YOU WANT TO DO IT!
SOMEBODY ARREST THIS MAN FOR
IMPERSONATING A BASKETBALL PLAYER.
COME ON, RONNIE! TAKE IT
OUT ON THE HOOP, MAN. GOD.
TAKE A SHOWER, AND
FORGET ABOUT IT, MAN.
TRY TO CONCENTRATE
ON TOMORROW'S GAME.
YEAH. ALL RIGHT.
[Exhales]
HEY, MAN! YOU GOT SO
MANY PIMPLES ON YOUR BUTT,
I THOUGHT I WAS LOOKIN' AT
EDWARD JAMES OLMOS! [Howling Cry]
OH, HONEY. THEY WOULDN'T BE
IN THE PLAY-OFFS WITHOUT YOU.
[Sobs] I KEEP SEEING
HIS FACE. SHHH.
IT'S ALL OVER NOW. THE
POLICE TOOK HIM AWAY.
REALLY? REALLY.
I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN PLAY
TOMORROW. OH, YES YOU CAN.
NOW LET'S JUST RELAX
AND ENJOY OUR DINNER.
I'M GONNA NEED MORE THAN
THAT. WAITER, GET ME A HIGHBALL.
[Screams] [Gasps]
NO-NO. NO-NO. NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. NOO!
IS THAT YOUR WIFE? OH!
I THOUGHT IT WAS PATRICK
EWING WITH A WIG ON. OHH!
SHAVE YOUR UNDERARMS. IT LOOKS
LIKE YOU GOT BUCKWHEAT IN A HEADLOCK.
[Screams]
NO. [Grunting]
[Patients Whining] ALL
RIGHT, EVERYONE. YES.
AS A REWARD FOR ALL OF
YOUR HARD WORK IN THERAPY...
AND FOR THOSE OF YOU
UNDER SUICIDE WATCH,
NURSE RATCHED AND
I PRESENT TO YOU...
THE LILTING, LIGHTHEARTED
MUSIC OF IRELAND.
LET'S GIVE A HEARTY,
DEPRESSED-WARD WELCOME...
TO SEAMUS O'SHANTY O'SHAME!
WHOO! [Strums Guitar]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU SO
MUCH. IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE THIS AFTERNOON,
SPREADIN' WARMTH AND CHEER AND
HAPPINESS THROUGHOUT THE WARD.
AND AS WE SAY IN IRELAND, MAY YOUR DAYS
SHINE BRIGHTER THAN SINEAD O'CONNOR'S HEAD.
AND NOW I'D LIKE TO START OFF WITH A TENDER
LITTLE BALLAD, AND IT GOES LIKE THIS.
♪ FIONA LOVED A MAN ♪
♪ NAMED REESE ♪
♪ AND, OH, REESE HE WAS OFF ♪
♪ ON A JOURNEY OF PEACE ♪
♪ AND THE DAY HE RETURNED ♪
♪ SHE MET HIM AT DAWN ♪
♪ SHE RAN INTO HIS ARMS ♪
♪ BUT HIS ARMS WERE GONE ♪
♪ BECAUSE THE I.R.A. HAD
PUT A PIPE BOMB IN HIS BED ♪
♪ BLEW OFF EVERYTHING
BUT HIS FREAKING HEAD ♪
♪ AND HE HAD NO HAIR AND
HE HAD HALF OF A FACE ♪
♪ AND HIS LIPS WERE
SCATTERED ALL OVER THE PLACE ♪
♪ AND NOW SHE'S OUT LOOKIN' ♪
♪ FOR REESE'S PIECES ♪♪
THAT'S IT.
MR. O'SHAME, YOU ARE
UNDOING ALL OF OUR WORK!
IF WE WANTED THIS WE WOULD
HAVE GOTTEN JUDAS PRIEST.
NOW SING A... A-A-A-A LOVE
BALLAD OR SOMETHING.
OHH, A LOVE BALLAD. A ROMANTIC
LILTIN' LITTLE BALLAD. OH, OKAY THEN.
ALL RIGHTY, HERE'S ONE CALLED "THE BALLAD
OF MOLLY McBRIDE," AND IT GOES LIKE THIS.
♪ MOLLY McBRIDE WAS A BARMAID ♪
♪ AND THE FAIREST
LASS IN ALL THE LAND ♪
♪ UNTIL ONE DAY IN THE KITCHEN ♪
♪ SHE SLIPPED ON A TURNIP ♪
♪ AND SHE FELL FACE
FIRST RIGHT INTO ♪
♪ A BURNING,
FLAMING KEG O' LARD ♪
♪ AND SHE WAS HORRIBLY
BLINDED ♪ [No Audible Dialogue]
♪ AND PERMANENTLY DISFIGURED ♪
♪ AND HER UNCLE MADE
HER LIVE UNDER THE PORCH ♪
♪ 'CAUSE SHE SCARED
AWAY TOURISTS ♪
♪ AND SHE MADE THE DOGS VOMIT ♪
♪ AND THE GOATS GIVE SOUR MILK ♪
♪ AND ALL THE NUNS DRANK
IT AND DIED ♪♪ THAT'S IT.
MY MOTHER WAS A
NUN! OH, NO, NO, NO!
SIR, YOU ARE THROUGH.
YOU'VE SUNG ENOUGH.
NOW, PLEASE LEAVE. SOMEBODY
ESCORT THIS MAN OUT OF HERE.
NO, NO, NO, NO! ONE MORE
SONG FOLKS. HERE WE GO.
"COMING THROUGH THE RYE."
EVERYONE KNOWS THIS ONE.
♪ IF A BODY FIND A BODY
COMIN' THROUGH THE RYE ♪
♪ IF A BODY FIND A DEAD BODY
COMIN' THROUGH THE RYE ♪
♪ LOOK AT ALL THE PUS AND
MAGGOTS COMIN' OUT OF HIS EYE ♪
♪ IF A BODY FIND A BODY COMIN'
THROUGH THE RYE ♪ NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
♪ HEY, IF A BODY FIND A
BODY COMIN' THROUGH THE... ♪
THIS IS HIM. THAT'S
HIM. ALL RIGHT, MAN.
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE ADMITTED THIS
MORNING. COME ON, MR. WALKER. LET'S GO.
- OH, I'M NOT MR. WALKER.
- OKAY, MR. LEPRECHAUN. LET'S GO.
OH, I'M NOT A LEPRECHAUN EITHER. I'M THE
KING OF THE MOTH PEOPLE. WHOO-HOO-HOO!
YES. I DO LOVE THE KING
OF THE MOTH PEOPLE. OKAY.
KING OF THE MOTH PEOPLE, WHY DON'T
YOU FLY TOWARDS THE LIGHT? COME ON.
OH. NO, NOT THE LIGHT. NO,
NO, NO. I CAN'T RESIST THE LIGHT.
OH, HELP ME. OH. OHH.
♪♪ [Hip-Hop]
[Man Rapping] ♪ SO WHAT'S YOUR
NAME, BOY A'IGHT TO CALL ME MAGNUS ♪
♪ THE FUTURE OF RAP WHO'S BOUND TO
ATTACK US AND MOVE NICE AND LIGHT ♪
♪ YOU'RE TYPE AVERAGE AND I'M THE
PASSION OF THE CHRIST, MIKE SLAPPIN' ♪
♪ HANGIN' FROM THE CROSS ♪
♪ BRUSHIN' THE DUST OFF MY SHOULDERS
AND THAT'LL MAKE THE APPLAUSE, OOH ♪
♪ WHY THE ATTITUDE HOMEY,
YOU AIN'T HALF AS RUDE ♪
♪ JUST WATCH YOUR
LIPS, KID I'LL SHATTER YOU ♪
♪ BATTLE YOU I'D RATHER
HAVE A HOLE IN MY NECK ♪
♪ AND SPEND MAD DOUGH
ON BLOWIN' MY CHECK ♪
♪♪ [Ends]
[Announcer] WELCOME BACK TO THE
WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP SUMO WRESTLING.
SAY HELLO TO THE NUMBER ONE
HEAVYWEIGHT CONTENDER PERNELL DORSETT.
[Makes Karate Noises]
PERCY IN THE HOUSE, BABY!
NOW, PERCY, YOU KNOW,
YOU AND I GO BACK A LONG WAY,
AND THERE'S ALWAYS TALK IN THE LOCKER
ROOM AND OUT THAT YOU'RE ANOREXIC.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO SHED
SOME LIGHT ON THIS? YEP.
I'M NOT ANOREXIC. I EAT
ALL THE TIME. [Falsetto Grunt]
WELL, COME ON, PERCY. NOW-NOW, WHAT
DID YOU EAT TODAY? WHY DO I LOOK FAT?
I MEAN, 'CAUSE I'M TRYIN'
TO LOSE WEIGHT, MAN.
NO, YOU DON'T NEED TO LOSE
WEIGHT. AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I HEARD YOU HAVE THE
METABOLISM OF A GERBIL.
[Laughs] YOU'RE JUST
BEING NICE AREN'T YA, MAN.
I CAN STAND TO LOSE ABOUT FIVE
POUNDS. I'M HUGE. LOOK AT THIS.
UHHH. YEAH, PERNELL.
TODAY, YOU'RE FACING A MAN...
WHO OUTWEIGHS YOU BY 470 POUNDS.
[Pernell] YAKAMOTO, YOU'RE A
PIG, AND YOU ARE GOING DOWN.
[Shrill Yell] WELL, ALL RIGHT
FOLKS. THERE YOU HAVE IT.
LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!
TWELVE ROUNDS OF SUMO WRESTLING.
I'M DAVID ALAN GRIER WITH THE
FIGHT DOCTOR, DR. FREDDY PACHECO...
THURSDAY NIGHT AT THE
FIGHTS. [Crowd Clamoring]
[David] UM, NOW THERE'S PERCY.
HE'S, UH, BEGINNING HIS WARM-UP.
YOU KNOW, HE BRINGS TO MIND
A YOUNG BEN VEREEN IN PIPPEN.
OF COURSE, THAT'S
BEFORE THE AUTO ACCIDENT.
PERCY IS ALWAYS ONE TO SHOW
THE MOVES... A REAL CROWD-PLEASER.
AND HERE'S YAKAMOTO...
CASTING THE SALT... THE
GREAT TRADITION OF SUMO.
AND, OF COURSE, PERCY
CASTING A SALT SUBSTITUTE,
PREFERRED BY
BULIMICS EVERYWHERE.
OF COURSE, THE NAME "PERCY," PRONOUNCED
IN JAPANESE... [Guttural Gibberish]
- AND I THINK WE ARE
JUST ABOUT READY TO BEGIN.
- [Grunting]
BOTH WRESTLERS
ENTER THE CIRCLE IN A
MATCH-UP REMINISCENT
OF DAVID AND GOLIATH...
OR SHOULD I SAY GODZILLA
AND MIGHTY MOUSE.
OWW! THAT IS
REALLY GONNA LINGER.
AND PERCY'S DOWN!
UH-UH. NO, NO. [Mouthing Words]
NO TIME-OUTS IN HERE, BUDDY.
YOU GOTTA KEEP FIGHTING.
THIS ISN'T THE W.B.C.
[Thud]
YOU'RE DOING GREAT,
PERCY! HOW DO YOU FEEL?
HEY, MAN, AIN'T NOTHING
BUT A BROKEN SPLEEN,
BABY. I GOT HIM RIGHT
WHERE I WANT HIM.
THAT THE BEST YOU CAN
DO? YOU FIGHT LIKE YOKO ONO!
[Bellows]
[Growling Yell]
[Coughs, Squeals]
OUCH! NOW, THAT'S
REALLY GOTTA HURT. PERCY?
PERCY, ARE YOU UNDER THERE?
TALK TO ME, PERCY. COME ON, MAN.
MAN, THIS AIN'T NO THING,
BUT A CHICKEN WING, BABY.
I CAN STILL TAKE THIS BOY.
YOU AIN'T NOTHING, MAN.
YOU DON'T WANT ME, BIG BOY.
YOU DON'T WANT ME. [Growls]
WELL, THAT'S ABOUT ALL THE
TIME WE HAVE FOR TODAY, FOLKS.
WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT
WEEK! [Gong Reverberates]
BACHELOR NUMBER ONE, WHERE
WOULD YOU TAKE ME ON OUR DATE?
I...
[Uses Lower Voice] I WOULD
TAKE YOU TO TIFFANY'S,
WHERE YOU COULD SPEND UP TO
AND INCLUDING TWO DOLLARS. YEAH.
[Boy] DERONDA, ARE YOU UP THERE?
IT'S ME, POOKIE.
WHAT'S THE PASSWORD? UM,
DERONDA HIGHTOWER IS SO BEAUTIFUL,
UM, SHE MAKE HALLE BERRY
LOOK LIKE A DOO-DOO HEAD.
YEAH, OKAY, YOU CAN COME
IN. WE'RE GONNA PLAY HOUSE.
WHY CAN'T WE PLAY POST OFFICE?
'CAUSE I'M TIRED OF YOU
ALL THE TIME SHOOTIN' AT ME.
OKAY. LET'S PLAY
HOUSE. OH, NO, YOU DON'T.
NO, YOU DON'T. WE
GOTTA GET MARRIED FIRST.
YOU GOTTA BUY THE COW BEFORE
YOU GET A FREE MILK SHAKE.
OKAY.
'KAY, DO YOU TAKE ME TO BE
YOUR AWFUL WEDDED WIFE,
AS LONG AS YOUR BUTT
SHALL LIVE? UH-HUH.
[Together] MARRY, MARRY, MARRY!
'KAY, NOW WE HAVE A BABY. WE CAN'T HAVE
NO BABIES IF WE DON'T DO THE "'CEPTION."
I DON'T WANNA DO THE 'CEPTION!
THEN WHAT DID I MARRY YOU
FOR? YOU GOTTA DO THE 'CEPTION!
BUT IT'S MY TIME!
I'M "MINISCRATING"!
YOU SAY THAT EVERY
NIGHT! OKAY, JUST HURRY.
OOH, BABY, BABY,
BABY. OOH, OOH, OOH.
BABY, BABY, BABY, BABY.
OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH.
OH, HAROLD, YOU'RE THE KING.
OH, GREAT! ANOTHER
MOUTH TO FEED.
I THOUGHT YOU WAS
WEARING A "DIAGRAM." WELL, UH,
I THOUGHT YOU WAS
WEARING A "CONDOMINIUM."
[Scoffs] IT'S HARD ENOUGH OUT HERE
WITH WHAT THE MAN LETS ME EARN.
MY MAMA TOLD ME NOT TO MARRY
A MAN WITH NO "DAMNBITION."
[Imitates Baby's Cries]
THE BABY IS BORN.
AND HE LOOKS
JUST LIKE HIS DADDY.
YEAH, TOOTHLESS AND BROKE.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST
CUT IT OFF! I'M GOING OUT!
[Departing Footsteps] WELL, DON'T LET
THE DOORKNOB HIT YOU IN THE BOOTY!
AND IF YOU COME BACK AFTER MIDNIGHT,
YOU'RE GONNA SLEEP ON THE COUCH.
OH, I HAD TO COME BACK. I DON'T
LIKE SLEEPING ON THE COUCH.
MAKE MY BACK HURT. OKAY.
THEN WE GOT TO PLAY
WHAT I WANNA PLAY.
DO YOU WANNA PLAY
THE 'CEPTION? NO!
I WANNA PLAY DOCTOR.
YOU BE THE DOCTOR.
OKAY, I'LL BE THE DOCTOR. OH!
OH, DOCTOR. DOCTOR.
MY TUMMY HURTS, AND I'M SICK.
SOUNDS LIKE A VERY
CRITICAL CONDITION YOU ARE IN.
DO YOU HAVE ANY
HEALTH INSURANCE?
- NO.
- YOUR ASS DEAD.
♪♪ [Hip-Hop Instrumental]
♪♪ [Continues]
♪♪ [Ends]
PREVIOUSLY ON IN LIVING COLOR.
[Woman's Voice] IT'S ALL RIGHT, LITTLE
WANDA, I'M GOING TO FIND YOUR DADDY.
- ♪♪ [Bluesy Sax Riff] - [Man's
Voice] IT WAS ANOTHER LATE NIGHT,
AND I WAS ALONE IN MY OFFICE WITH MY
ONLY TRUE FRIEND IN THE WORLD... JACK.
I HADN'T HAD A CASE
IN OVER THREE MONTHS,
BUT, THEN, SHE WALKED IN.
HEY! FOR REAL THOUGH.
SHE HAD A BODY THAT
COULD STOP A TRUCK...
AND A FACE THAT APPARENTLY HAD.
EXCUSE ME, I NEED A
PRIVATE DICK. MA'AM?
- YOU SEE, I'M IN TROUBLE.
- YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT,
MA'AM.
THERE'S A LEASH
LAW IN THIS TOWN. OH.
YOU SO CRAZY. NO, LOOK.
I'M TRYING TO FIND THE
FATHER OF MY LITTLE BABY HERE.
COULD YOU GIVE ME A
DESCRIPTION OF THE MAN?
OH, I DON'T REMEMBER HOW
HE WAS. ALL I REMEMBER IS...
THE NAKED BOOTY
JUMPIN' OUT MY WINDOW.
NAKED BOOTY? MMM, I
SEE THE RESEMBLANCE.
ANYWAY...
BUT WHAT DO YOU HOPE TO
ACHIEVE BY FINDING THIS CULPRIT?
WELL, YOU KNOW, SEE, I
DON'T WANT WANDA JUNIOR,
YOU KNOW, TO GROW
UP LIKE I HAD DID.
'CAUSE I DON'T THINK SHE SHOULD DO
THAT IN THIS WORLD THE WAY IT IS NOW.
'CAUSE ALL I HAD TO DO WAS
JUST SURVIVE ON MY GOOD LOOKS.
I DON'T THINK SHE'S
GONNA HAVE THAT PROBLEM.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, MISTER. I'D JUST
LIKE TO THANK YOU FOR TAKING MY CASE.
AND IF YOU EVER NEED TO
FIND ME, YOU JUST WHISTLE.
- YOU KNOW HOW TO WHISTLE,
DON'T YOU?
- SURE, I DO.
ALL RIGHT. [Blows
Silent Dog Whistle]
[Dog-like Howl]
THIS DETECTIVE GAME
IS AN UGLY BUSINESS,
AND IT JUST GOT UGLIER.
HEY, THANKS FOR WATCHING.
WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK ON...
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪
♪♪ [Theme]
♪♪ [Continues]
- ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
- ♪ TAKE IT FROM ME
IT'S A'IGHT TO BE ♪
- HI-YAH!
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ AND HOW WOULD YA... HOW
WOULD YA... HOW WOULD YA F... ♪
♪ HOW WOULD YOU FEEL KNOWING
PREJUDICE WAS OBSOLETE ♪
♪ AND ALL MANKIND
DANCED TO THE EXACT BEAT ♪
[Echoing] ♪ AND AT NIGHT IT WAS
SAFE TO WALK DOWN THE STREET ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
[Turntable Scratching]
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪
[Laughing]
[Crowd Booing] [Sportscaster]
RONNIE THOMAS MISSES AGAIN!
I'M TRYING TO REMEMBER THE LAST
TIME HE WAS THIS OFF IN A BIG GAME.
[Sportscaster #2] HE
LOOKS DISTRACTED, MARV.
HEY, THOMAS. YOU
STINK, MAN! HEY, THOMAS.
YOU COULDN'T DRIVE
ON MISS DAISY, A'IGHT.
HEY, THOMAS. YOU COULDN'T
SHOOT IF YOU HAD AN AK-47.
HELL, MAN. HEY, THOMAS. YOU
BEEN ON THE BENCH SO LONG,
YOUR LITTLE BOY WAS BORN
WITH SPLINTERS IN HIS BUTT!
[Sportscaster #2] NEW YORK
TAKES A TIME-OUT. [Horn Blows]
OH, MAN. H-HEY, GUYS,
LOOK. I'M SORRY. ALL RIGHT?
JUST-JUST HAND ME THE
BALL. I'LL GET HOT. REALLY.
HOT? HOT? HEY, HALLE BERRY
NAKED COULDN'T GET YOU HOT, MAN.
HEY, YOU COULDN'T SCORE IF YOU WENT
ON A DATE WITH HEIDI FLEISS, ALL RIGHT?
GET OUT A HERE, YA BUM! HE'S
GETTING TO YOUR HEAD, MAN!
N-N-N-NO, HE ISN'T. I
CAN BLOCK IT OUT, MAN.
LISTEN, BROTHER, YOU
DON'T BOTHER ME, OKAY?
WHY SHOULD I BOTHER YOU, IF
LOSING DOESN'T BOTHER YOU?
HEY, MAYBE THEY COULD TRADE
YOU FOR SOMETHING USEFUL,
SOMETHING LIKE-LIKE...
LIKE A DUST MOP, ALL RIGHT?
I MEAN, I BET EVEN YOUR CAT
COUGHS UP AIR BALLS, ALL RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT, BUDDY. ALL
RIGHT, MAN, COME ON. LET'S GO!
LET'S GO, MAN!
LET'S GO! HEY, SEC...
SEC-SECURITY! SECURITY!
YOU WANT TO DO IT!
SOMEBODY ARREST THIS MAN FOR
IMPERSONATING A BASKETBALL PLAYER.
COME ON, RONNIE! TAKE IT
OUT ON THE HOOP, MAN. GOD.
TAKE A SHOWER, AND
FORGET ABOUT IT, MAN.
TRY TO CONCENTRATE
ON TOMORROW'S GAME.
YEAH. ALL RIGHT.
[Exhales]
HEY, MAN! YOU GOT SO
MANY PIMPLES ON YOUR BUTT,
I THOUGHT I WAS LOOKIN' AT
EDWARD JAMES OLMOS! [Howling Cry]
OH, HONEY. THEY WOULDN'T BE
IN THE PLAY-OFFS WITHOUT YOU.
[Sobs] I KEEP SEEING
HIS FACE. SHHH.
IT'S ALL OVER NOW. THE
POLICE TOOK HIM AWAY.
REALLY? REALLY.
I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN PLAY
TOMORROW. OH, YES YOU CAN.
NOW LET'S JUST RELAX
AND ENJOY OUR DINNER.
I'M GONNA NEED MORE THAN
THAT. WAITER, GET ME A HIGHBALL.
[Screams] [Gasps]
NO-NO. NO-NO. NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. NOO!
IS THAT YOUR WIFE? OH!
I THOUGHT IT WAS PATRICK
EWING WITH A WIG ON. OHH!
SHAVE YOUR UNDERARMS. IT LOOKS
LIKE YOU GOT BUCKWHEAT IN A HEADLOCK.
[Screams]
NO. [Grunting]
[Patients Whining] ALL
RIGHT, EVERYONE. YES.
AS A REWARD FOR ALL OF
YOUR HARD WORK IN THERAPY...
AND FOR THOSE OF YOU
UNDER SUICIDE WATCH,
NURSE RATCHED AND
I PRESENT TO YOU...
THE LILTING, LIGHTHEARTED
MUSIC OF IRELAND.
LET'S GIVE A HEARTY,
DEPRESSED-WARD WELCOME...
TO SEAMUS O'SHANTY O'SHAME!
WHOO! [Strums Guitar]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU SO
MUCH. IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE THIS AFTERNOON,
SPREADIN' WARMTH AND CHEER AND
HAPPINESS THROUGHOUT THE WARD.
AND AS WE SAY IN IRELAND, MAY YOUR DAYS
SHINE BRIGHTER THAN SINEAD O'CONNOR'S HEAD.
AND NOW I'D LIKE TO START OFF WITH A TENDER
LITTLE BALLAD, AND IT GOES LIKE THIS.
♪ FIONA LOVED A MAN ♪
♪ NAMED REESE ♪
♪ AND, OH, REESE HE WAS OFF ♪
♪ ON A JOURNEY OF PEACE ♪
♪ AND THE DAY HE RETURNED ♪
♪ SHE MET HIM AT DAWN ♪
♪ SHE RAN INTO HIS ARMS ♪
♪ BUT HIS ARMS WERE GONE ♪
♪ BECAUSE THE I.R.A. HAD
PUT A PIPE BOMB IN HIS BED ♪
♪ BLEW OFF EVERYTHING
BUT HIS FREAKING HEAD ♪
♪ AND HE HAD NO HAIR AND
HE HAD HALF OF A FACE ♪
♪ AND HIS LIPS WERE
SCATTERED ALL OVER THE PLACE ♪
♪ AND NOW SHE'S OUT LOOKIN' ♪
♪ FOR REESE'S PIECES ♪♪
THAT'S IT.
MR. O'SHAME, YOU ARE
UNDOING ALL OF OUR WORK!
IF WE WANTED THIS WE WOULD
HAVE GOTTEN JUDAS PRIEST.
NOW SING A... A-A-A-A LOVE
BALLAD OR SOMETHING.
OHH, A LOVE BALLAD. A ROMANTIC
LILTIN' LITTLE BALLAD. OH, OKAY THEN.
ALL RIGHTY, HERE'S ONE CALLED "THE BALLAD
OF MOLLY McBRIDE," AND IT GOES LIKE THIS.
♪ MOLLY McBRIDE WAS A BARMAID ♪
♪ AND THE FAIREST
LASS IN ALL THE LAND ♪
♪ UNTIL ONE DAY IN THE KITCHEN ♪
♪ SHE SLIPPED ON A TURNIP ♪
♪ AND SHE FELL FACE
FIRST RIGHT INTO ♪
♪ A BURNING,
FLAMING KEG O' LARD ♪
♪ AND SHE WAS HORRIBLY
BLINDED ♪ [No Audible Dialogue]
♪ AND PERMANENTLY DISFIGURED ♪
♪ AND HER UNCLE MADE
HER LIVE UNDER THE PORCH ♪
♪ 'CAUSE SHE SCARED
AWAY TOURISTS ♪
♪ AND SHE MADE THE DOGS VOMIT ♪
♪ AND THE GOATS GIVE SOUR MILK ♪
♪ AND ALL THE NUNS DRANK
IT AND DIED ♪♪ THAT'S IT.
MY MOTHER WAS A
NUN! OH, NO, NO, NO!
SIR, YOU ARE THROUGH.
YOU'VE SUNG ENOUGH.
NOW, PLEASE LEAVE. SOMEBODY
ESCORT THIS MAN OUT OF HERE.
NO, NO, NO, NO! ONE MORE
SONG FOLKS. HERE WE GO.
"COMING THROUGH THE RYE."
EVERYONE KNOWS THIS ONE.
♪ IF A BODY FIND A BODY
COMIN' THROUGH THE RYE ♪
♪ IF A BODY FIND A DEAD BODY
COMIN' THROUGH THE RYE ♪
♪ LOOK AT ALL THE PUS AND
MAGGOTS COMIN' OUT OF HIS EYE ♪
♪ IF A BODY FIND A BODY COMIN'
THROUGH THE RYE ♪ NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
♪ HEY, IF A BODY FIND A
BODY COMIN' THROUGH THE... ♪
THIS IS HIM. THAT'S
HIM. ALL RIGHT, MAN.
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE ADMITTED THIS
MORNING. COME ON, MR. WALKER. LET'S GO.
- OH, I'M NOT MR. WALKER.
- OKAY, MR. LEPRECHAUN. LET'S GO.
OH, I'M NOT A LEPRECHAUN EITHER. I'M THE
KING OF THE MOTH PEOPLE. WHOO-HOO-HOO!
YES. I DO LOVE THE KING
OF THE MOTH PEOPLE. OKAY.
KING OF THE MOTH PEOPLE, WHY DON'T
YOU FLY TOWARDS THE LIGHT? COME ON.
OH. NO, NOT THE LIGHT. NO,
NO, NO. I CAN'T RESIST THE LIGHT.
OH, HELP ME. OH. OHH.
♪♪ [Hip-Hop]
[Man Rapping] ♪ SO WHAT'S YOUR
NAME, BOY A'IGHT TO CALL ME MAGNUS ♪
♪ THE FUTURE OF RAP WHO'S BOUND TO
ATTACK US AND MOVE NICE AND LIGHT ♪
♪ YOU'RE TYPE AVERAGE AND I'M THE
PASSION OF THE CHRIST, MIKE SLAPPIN' ♪
♪ HANGIN' FROM THE CROSS ♪
♪ BRUSHIN' THE DUST OFF MY SHOULDERS
AND THAT'LL MAKE THE APPLAUSE, OOH ♪
♪ WHY THE ATTITUDE HOMEY,
YOU AIN'T HALF AS RUDE ♪
♪ JUST WATCH YOUR
LIPS, KID I'LL SHATTER YOU ♪
♪ BATTLE YOU I'D RATHER
HAVE A HOLE IN MY NECK ♪
♪ AND SPEND MAD DOUGH
ON BLOWIN' MY CHECK ♪
♪♪ [Ends]
[Announcer] WELCOME BACK TO THE
WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP SUMO WRESTLING.
SAY HELLO TO THE NUMBER ONE
HEAVYWEIGHT CONTENDER PERNELL DORSETT.
[Makes Karate Noises]
PERCY IN THE HOUSE, BABY!
NOW, PERCY, YOU KNOW,
YOU AND I GO BACK A LONG WAY,
AND THERE'S ALWAYS TALK IN THE LOCKER
ROOM AND OUT THAT YOU'RE ANOREXIC.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO SHED
SOME LIGHT ON THIS? YEP.
I'M NOT ANOREXIC. I EAT
ALL THE TIME. [Falsetto Grunt]
WELL, COME ON, PERCY. NOW-NOW, WHAT
DID YOU EAT TODAY? WHY DO I LOOK FAT?
I MEAN, 'CAUSE I'M TRYIN'
TO LOSE WEIGHT, MAN.
NO, YOU DON'T NEED TO LOSE
WEIGHT. AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I HEARD YOU HAVE THE
METABOLISM OF A GERBIL.
[Laughs] YOU'RE JUST
BEING NICE AREN'T YA, MAN.
I CAN STAND TO LOSE ABOUT FIVE
POUNDS. I'M HUGE. LOOK AT THIS.
UHHH. YEAH, PERNELL.
TODAY, YOU'RE FACING A MAN...
WHO OUTWEIGHS YOU BY 470 POUNDS.
[Pernell] YAKAMOTO, YOU'RE A
PIG, AND YOU ARE GOING DOWN.
[Shrill Yell] WELL, ALL RIGHT
FOLKS. THERE YOU HAVE IT.
LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!
TWELVE ROUNDS OF SUMO WRESTLING.
I'M DAVID ALAN GRIER WITH THE
FIGHT DOCTOR, DR. FREDDY PACHECO...
THURSDAY NIGHT AT THE
FIGHTS. [Crowd Clamoring]
[David] UM, NOW THERE'S PERCY.
HE'S, UH, BEGINNING HIS WARM-UP.
YOU KNOW, HE BRINGS TO MIND
A YOUNG BEN VEREEN IN PIPPEN.
OF COURSE, THAT'S
BEFORE THE AUTO ACCIDENT.
PERCY IS ALWAYS ONE TO SHOW
THE MOVES... A REAL CROWD-PLEASER.
AND HERE'S YAKAMOTO...
CASTING THE SALT... THE
GREAT TRADITION OF SUMO.
AND, OF COURSE, PERCY
CASTING A SALT SUBSTITUTE,
PREFERRED BY
BULIMICS EVERYWHERE.
OF COURSE, THE NAME "PERCY," PRONOUNCED
IN JAPANESE... [Guttural Gibberish]
- AND I THINK WE ARE
JUST ABOUT READY TO BEGIN.
- [Grunting]
BOTH WRESTLERS
ENTER THE CIRCLE IN A
MATCH-UP REMINISCENT
OF DAVID AND GOLIATH...
OR SHOULD I SAY GODZILLA
AND MIGHTY MOUSE.
OWW! THAT IS
REALLY GONNA LINGER.
AND PERCY'S DOWN!
UH-UH. NO, NO. [Mouthing Words]
NO TIME-OUTS IN HERE, BUDDY.
YOU GOTTA KEEP FIGHTING.
THIS ISN'T THE W.B.C.
[Thud]
YOU'RE DOING GREAT,
PERCY! HOW DO YOU FEEL?
HEY, MAN, AIN'T NOTHING
BUT A BROKEN SPLEEN,
BABY. I GOT HIM RIGHT
WHERE I WANT HIM.
THAT THE BEST YOU CAN
DO? YOU FIGHT LIKE YOKO ONO!
[Bellows]
[Growling Yell]
[Coughs, Squeals]
OUCH! NOW, THAT'S
REALLY GOTTA HURT. PERCY?
PERCY, ARE YOU UNDER THERE?
TALK TO ME, PERCY. COME ON, MAN.
MAN, THIS AIN'T NO THING,
BUT A CHICKEN WING, BABY.
I CAN STILL TAKE THIS BOY.
YOU AIN'T NOTHING, MAN.
YOU DON'T WANT ME, BIG BOY.
YOU DON'T WANT ME. [Growls]
WELL, THAT'S ABOUT ALL THE
TIME WE HAVE FOR TODAY, FOLKS.
WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT
WEEK! [Gong Reverberates]
BACHELOR NUMBER ONE, WHERE
WOULD YOU TAKE ME ON OUR DATE?
I...
[Uses Lower Voice] I WOULD
TAKE YOU TO TIFFANY'S,
WHERE YOU COULD SPEND UP TO
AND INCLUDING TWO DOLLARS. YEAH.
[Boy] DERONDA, ARE YOU UP THERE?
IT'S ME, POOKIE.
WHAT'S THE PASSWORD? UM,
DERONDA HIGHTOWER IS SO BEAUTIFUL,
UM, SHE MAKE HALLE BERRY
LOOK LIKE A DOO-DOO HEAD.
YEAH, OKAY, YOU CAN COME
IN. WE'RE GONNA PLAY HOUSE.
WHY CAN'T WE PLAY POST OFFICE?
'CAUSE I'M TIRED OF YOU
ALL THE TIME SHOOTIN' AT ME.
OKAY. LET'S PLAY
HOUSE. OH, NO, YOU DON'T.
NO, YOU DON'T. WE
GOTTA GET MARRIED FIRST.
YOU GOTTA BUY THE COW BEFORE
YOU GET A FREE MILK SHAKE.
OKAY.
'KAY, DO YOU TAKE ME TO BE
YOUR AWFUL WEDDED WIFE,
AS LONG AS YOUR BUTT
SHALL LIVE? UH-HUH.
[Together] MARRY, MARRY, MARRY!
'KAY, NOW WE HAVE A BABY. WE CAN'T HAVE
NO BABIES IF WE DON'T DO THE "'CEPTION."
I DON'T WANNA DO THE 'CEPTION!
THEN WHAT DID I MARRY YOU
FOR? YOU GOTTA DO THE 'CEPTION!
BUT IT'S MY TIME!
I'M "MINISCRATING"!
YOU SAY THAT EVERY
NIGHT! OKAY, JUST HURRY.
OOH, BABY, BABY,
BABY. OOH, OOH, OOH.
BABY, BABY, BABY, BABY.
OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH.
OH, HAROLD, YOU'RE THE KING.
OH, GREAT! ANOTHER
MOUTH TO FEED.
I THOUGHT YOU WAS
WEARING A "DIAGRAM." WELL, UH,
I THOUGHT YOU WAS
WEARING A "CONDOMINIUM."
[Scoffs] IT'S HARD ENOUGH OUT HERE
WITH WHAT THE MAN LETS ME EARN.
MY MAMA TOLD ME NOT TO MARRY
A MAN WITH NO "DAMNBITION."
[Imitates Baby's Cries]
THE BABY IS BORN.
AND HE LOOKS
JUST LIKE HIS DADDY.
YEAH, TOOTHLESS AND BROKE.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST
CUT IT OFF! I'M GOING OUT!
[Departing Footsteps] WELL, DON'T LET
THE DOORKNOB HIT YOU IN THE BOOTY!
AND IF YOU COME BACK AFTER MIDNIGHT,
YOU'RE GONNA SLEEP ON THE COUCH.
OH, I HAD TO COME BACK. I DON'T
LIKE SLEEPING ON THE COUCH.
MAKE MY BACK HURT. OKAY.
THEN WE GOT TO PLAY
WHAT I WANNA PLAY.
DO YOU WANNA PLAY
THE 'CEPTION? NO!
I WANNA PLAY DOCTOR.
YOU BE THE DOCTOR.
OKAY, I'LL BE THE DOCTOR. OH!
OH, DOCTOR. DOCTOR.
MY TUMMY HURTS, AND I'M SICK.
SOUNDS LIKE A VERY
CRITICAL CONDITION YOU ARE IN.
DO YOU HAVE ANY
HEALTH INSURANCE?
- NO.
- YOUR ASS DEAD.
♪♪ [Hip-Hop Instrumental]
♪♪ [Continues]
♪♪ [Ends]
PREVIOUSLY ON IN LIVING COLOR.
[Woman's Voice] IT'S ALL RIGHT, LITTLE
WANDA, I'M GOING TO FIND YOUR DADDY.
- ♪♪ [Bluesy Sax Riff] - [Man's
Voice] IT WAS ANOTHER LATE NIGHT,
AND I WAS ALONE IN MY OFFICE WITH MY
ONLY TRUE FRIEND IN THE WORLD... JACK.
I HADN'T HAD A CASE
IN OVER THREE MONTHS,
BUT, THEN, SHE WALKED IN.
HEY! FOR REAL THOUGH.
SHE HAD A BODY THAT
COULD STOP A TRUCK...
AND A FACE THAT APPARENTLY HAD.
EXCUSE ME, I NEED A
PRIVATE DICK. MA'AM?
- YOU SEE, I'M IN TROUBLE.
- YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT,
MA'AM.
THERE'S A LEASH
LAW IN THIS TOWN. OH.
YOU SO CRAZY. NO, LOOK.
I'M TRYING TO FIND THE
FATHER OF MY LITTLE BABY HERE.
COULD YOU GIVE ME A
DESCRIPTION OF THE MAN?
OH, I DON'T REMEMBER HOW
HE WAS. ALL I REMEMBER IS...
THE NAKED BOOTY
JUMPIN' OUT MY WINDOW.
NAKED BOOTY? MMM, I
SEE THE RESEMBLANCE.
ANYWAY...
BUT WHAT DO YOU HOPE TO
ACHIEVE BY FINDING THIS CULPRIT?
WELL, YOU KNOW, SEE, I
DON'T WANT WANDA JUNIOR,
YOU KNOW, TO GROW
UP LIKE I HAD DID.
'CAUSE I DON'T THINK SHE SHOULD DO
THAT IN THIS WORLD THE WAY IT IS NOW.
'CAUSE ALL I HAD TO DO WAS
JUST SURVIVE ON MY GOOD LOOKS.
I DON'T THINK SHE'S
GONNA HAVE THAT PROBLEM.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, MISTER. I'D JUST
LIKE TO THANK YOU FOR TAKING MY CASE.
AND IF YOU EVER NEED TO
FIND ME, YOU JUST WHISTLE.
- YOU KNOW HOW TO WHISTLE,
DON'T YOU?
- SURE, I DO.
ALL RIGHT. [Blows
Silent Dog Whistle]
[Dog-like Howl]
THIS DETECTIVE GAME
IS AN UGLY BUSINESS,
AND IT JUST GOT UGLIER.
HEY, THANKS FOR WATCHING.
WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK ON...
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪
♪♪ [Theme]
♪♪ [Continues]