In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 5, Episode 25 - The Scary Larry Show - full transcript
The Wayans siblings present an African-American focused sketch comedy show.
ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF RENO,
WHERE THE WEATHER IS HOT
AND THE WOMEN ARE HOTTER,
THERE'S A LITTLE SPOT
CALLED THE MUSTANG RANCH...
A PLACE WHERE PROSTITUTION
IS PERFECTLY LEGAL.
YOU GET TO CHOOSE YOUR PARTNER
FROM A STABLE OF GORGEOUS WOMEN,
THEN YOU CAN TAKE THEM UP TO A
PRIVATE ROOM FOR A ROLL IN THE HAY.
BUT IF YOU PLAN ON
VISITING THIS BROTHEL,
YOU BETTER BRING YOUR
RUBBERS AND YOUR VISTA CARD.
BECAUSE AT THE MUSTANG RANCH, THEY
DON'T LET YOU RIDE WITHOUT A RAINCOAT,
AND THEY DON'T
TAKE U.S. EXPRESS.
VISTA... IT'S EVERYWHERE
YOU WANT TO BE.
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
- ♪ TAKE IT FROM ME
IT'S A'IGHT TO BE ♪
- HI-YAH!
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ AND HOW WOULD YA... HOW
WOULD YA... HOW WOULD YA F... ♪
♪ HOW WOULD YOU FEEL KNOWING
PREJUDICE WAS OBSOLETE ♪
♪ AND ALL MANKIND
DANCED TO THE EXACT BEAT ♪
♪ AND AT NIGHT IT WAS SAFE
TO WALK DOWN THE STREET ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪
HELLO, EVERYONE, AND WELCOME
TO C.J. McDOODLE'S NEWEST LOCATION,
LOCATED RIGHT HERE
IN OUR MIDTOWN PLAZA.
NOW DON'T FORGET TO TRY
OUR NEW FLAVOR FOR THE DAY.
IT'S SORT OF A TUNA
FISH-POP-TARTS-STARBURST FLAVOR...
MMM! BUT IT'S NOT.
OKAY. NOW, PLEASE HELP ME IN
WELCOMING ONE OF MY FAVORITES...
AND I KNOW HE'S ONE OF YOURS...
LET'S HEAR IT FOR WILE E. COYOTE!
♪♪
♪ YEAH, SAY, OOH, OOH ♪ COME ON,
KIDS. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'? YEAH. SAY,
♪ OOH, OOH ♪♪
YEAH. ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT. KILL.
CUT, CUT, CUT. ♪♪
I NO LONGER GO BY THAT SLAVE,
CARTOON NAME, "WILE E. COYOTE,"
BUT I GO BY "WILLY COYOTE,"
'CAUSE I GOT YOUR BACK,
SNOOP DOGGY DOGG. HELL, YEAH.
OKAY, WILLY, UH... HEY, I HEAR THAT
"PATRONISTIC" SOUND IN YOUR VOICE.
OKAY. WELL, HE'LL BE HERE FOR
ANOTHER SEVEN HOURS, KIDS.
SO DON'T BE SHY. COME UP AND
ASK A FEW QUESTIONS, OKAY?
HI, MR. COYOTE. HEY, HEY, HEY.
HOW YOU DOIN'? DON'T GET TOO CLOSE.
I KNOW ABOUT YOU WHITE WOMEN. MY
SON THINKS YOUR SHOW IS SO FUNNY.
HE JUST LOVES YOU AND
THAT LITTLE ROADRUNNER.
HA, HA. YOU'LL NEVER CATCH HIM. TELL YOU
WHAT. I'M THE ONE THAT MADE THE ROADRUNNER.
I CAUGHT HIM, BUT SEE, THEY DON'T WANNA
SHOW YOU A BROTHER CATCHIN' A BROTHER,
'CAUSE THEY THINK I'LL TRY TO GET TOO MUCH
ON THE SHOW, UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYIN'?
WHY DON'T YOU RUN ALONG
AND PLAY ON THE RAILROAD
TRACKS SOMEWHERE
WHILE A TRAIN IS COMIN'?
YOU AIN'T TREATIN'
ME LIKE A 'TOON.
YOU KNOW, I LIKE LADIES, GIRL, YOU
KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'? YOU LOOKIN' GOOD.
GOT SOME GOOD LOOKIN' LEGS.
JUST WANNA RUB UP AGAINST 'EM.
HEY, GET OFF OF ME! HEY. OH, IT'S
'CAUSE I AIN'T GOT NO GENITALS, HUH?
IS THAT WHAT IT IS?
HEY. HEY! HEY, HEY, HEY.
I HIRED YOU FOR GOOD,
WHOLESOME ENTERTAINMENT.
NOW YOU KEEP IT UP, AND I'LL TAKE
THE HOSE TO YA. HEY, YEAH, MAN.
SPEAKIN' OF HOSE, BROTHER, IS
THERE A TREE I CAN RAISE MY LEG ON?
'CAUSE I REALLY GOT TO
LET THIS GO, YOU KNOW?
YOU SHOULD'VE THOUGHT
ABOUT THAT BEFORE YOU
PUNCHED IN. YOU DON'T GET
A BREAK FOR ANOTHER HOUR.
I SEE WHAT'S GOIN' ON.
YOU GONNA TREAT ME
LIKE A 'TOON? RIGHT. GO
AHEAD AND OPPRESS ME.
YOU WOULDN'T DO THIS TO WOODY
WOODPECKER, NOW WOULD YA, HUH?
I KNOW YOU WOULDN'T.
SEE, THAT'S THE THING.
SEE, YOU GUYS ARE
TREATIN' US CANINES WRONG.
OH, I'LL SAY IT, AND
I'LL SAY IT AGAIN:
I DIDN'T LAND ON PLYMOUTH ROCK.
PLYMOUTH ROCK LANDED ON ME.
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT, MAN. NOW
THAT'S GOOD, WHOLESOME ENTERTAINMENT, MAN.
AIN'T THIS A BITCH? BEEP, BEEP!
HEY, HEY, HEY, YOU... HEY, LET ME
TELL YOU SOMETHIN', LITTLE KIDS.
I AIN'T LIKE THAT LITTLE DINOSAUR
BARNEY. I'LL BREAK YOU UP SOME.
I'LL GO CUJO ON YOU LITTLE
TYKES, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?
HELP! HELP, SECURITY!
GET DOWN! GET
DOWN! GET DOWN, Y'ALL!
DAMN!
WHOA THERE, VARMINT!
GET YOUR FLEA-BITTEN PAWS OFF'N THEM
KIDS BEFORE I SHOOT YOU TO SMITHEREENIES!
YOU WAS CLOSE.
WELL, GREAT HORNY TOADS, IT'S THE COYOTE.
I SEE YOU GOT RID OF THE FLEA COLLAR.
YEAH, MAN. YOU KNOW, I WENT DOWN
TO THE CLINIC, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE...
THAT LITTLE BITCH BURNED ME,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'? YEAH!
HI, MR. COYOTE. HI, MR. SAM.
COULD WE GET YOUR AUTOGRAPHS?
NO PROBLEM. YOU GOT A
PEN THERE, BROTHER? SURE.
HERE'S ONE. ALL RIGHT, THERE.
LET'S SEE. THIS IS A FUNNY LOOKIN' PEN.
"BEST OF LUCK ON THE NINE-TRE,
'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOIN' ON."
HEY, YA SLIMY LITTLE CRITTERS,
THESE PENS DON'T EVEN WRITE!
YEAH. WHAT TH...
I HATE THEM KIDS.
COMING THIS WEEK ON FOX:
THE FIRST ANNUAL
INFOMERCIAL AWARDS SHOW...
HONORING THE FINEST IN COMMERCIALS
THAT TRY TO LOOK LIKE REAL TV SHOWS.
AND NOW YOUR HOST,
"JUICY" JAY KORDICH...
AND HIS FAWNING SHILL, GORDY!
THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WHAT AN HONOR IT IS TO BE YOUR HOST
FOR THE INFYS. HEY, GORDY, WHERE ARE YA?
RIGHT BEHIND YA,
JUICY JAY. YOU'RE CRAZY.
YEAH! I DIDN'T
EVEN SEE YA THERE!
NOW GORDY, WHAT'S OUR FIRST
CATEGORY? OKAY, JUICY JAY.
TELL THEM! OKAY, JUICY JAY.
OUR FIRST AWARD IS OUR...
FOR THE OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT IN
THE FIELD OF GET-RICH-QUICK SCHEMES.
YEAH!
AND THE NOMINEES
ARE: TOMMY WOO...
YOU AMERICANS LAZY.
I WAS BOAT PERSON.
I STILL BOAT PERSON,
BUT NOW BOAT IS OVER 100
FEET LONG WITH JACUZZI
BIGGER THAN YOUR HOUSE.
AND ALL I DO IS HAVE SEX ALL DAY
WITH WOMEN TWICE AS TALL AS ME.
AND TONY ROBBINS, UNLEASH...
YOUR FINANCIAL GIANT.
I WANT TO UNLEASH THE
FINANCIAL GIANT WITHIN YOU.
I KNOW MY SIZE IS ALARMING,
BUT DO NOT FEAR ME.
IN TIME YOU WILL REALIZE
I AM A FRIENDLY GIANT,
MUCH LIKE HERMAN MUNSTER, OR THAT
RETARDED FELLOW ON OF MICE AND MEN.
FEE-FI-FO-FUM, I SMELL THE
BLOOD OF FRAN TARKINGTON.
AND THE WINNER IS... TOMMY WOO!
YEAH! COME ON UP HERE, TOM.
- TAKE THAT!
- YOU LIKE ME. YOU REALLY, REALLY LIKE ME.
TOO BAD I DON'T LIKE YOU. YOU LAZY
AMERICAN LOSER. YOUR S.A.T. SCORES SUCK!
HEY! UNLIKE YOUR SHOW, WE
DON'T HAVE 30 MINUTES. NOW SCRAM.
YEAH!
LET'S GET ON WITH THE
NEXT AWARD, GORDY.
GET ON WITH IT! UH,
THE NEXT AWARD...
IS FOR OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT BY A
PHYSICALLY REPELLENT INFOMERCIAL HOST.
NOW OUR FIRST
NOMINEE IS LORIE DAVIS,
WHO SHOULD ORDER SUSAN POWTER'S
STOP THE INSANITY WEIGHT LOSS TAPE.
OUR SECOND NOMINEE
IS SUSAN POWTER,
WHO COULD BENEFIT FROM
LORIE DAVES HAIR CARE SYSTEMS.
OUR THIRD NOMINEE
IS JAYNE KENNEDY,
WHO SHOULD TRY JAYNE
KENNEDY'S CALIFORNIA DIET.
AND THE WINNER IS SUSAN
POWTER AND LORIE DAVES! YEAH!
I'D LIKE TO THANK, UH, EVERYBODY
OUT THERE WITH BAD PROBLEM HAIR...
WHO'S MADE THE LORIE DAVES...
HAIR CARE SYSTEM SUCH A SUCCESS.
I'D LIKE TO THANK ALL THE
DESPERATE, OBESE WOMEN OUT THERE...
WHO HAVE DECIDED TO "STOP THE
INSANITY" AND SEND ME THEIR MONEY.
THAT'S A REAL NICE HAIRCUT, HONEY.
YOU LOOK LIKE A TENNIS BALL WITH A HEAD.
EXCUSE ME. ARE YOU TALKING
TO ME, SHAMU? YES. I AM, HONEY.
YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW, YOU...
YOU HAVE REAL PRETTY EYES.
YOU'RE PRETTY GOOD
LOOKING FOR A BIG GAL.
HEY! HEY! THE FIRST ANNUAL
INFOMERCIAL AWARDS.
COMING NEXT WEEK ON FOX.
GIVE 'EM A TIME-OUT. THAT'S IT.
TELL 'EM TO GET A ROOM. YEAH!
ARCHIE, YOU BETTER HURRY UP.
BARNEY HEFNER WILL BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
I'M JUST FINISHIN' UP SOME
IMPORTANT BUSINESS, EDITH.
SAY, EDITH, DO ME A
FAVOR THERE, WILL YA?
THE NEXT TIME YOU MAKE MACARONI,
CHILL OUT ON THE CHEESE, HUH?
IT SENDS ME TO 30 MINUTES
OF HARD LABOR THERE.
HEY, WAIT A SECOND. HOLD
ON A SECOND, LITTLE GIRL.
- CAN I ASK YOU
A QUESTION THERE?
- SURE, DADDY.
WHAT THE HELL ARE
YOU WEARIN'? IT'S AN OLD
ADIDAS SCHOOL DRESS,
DADDY. DON'T YOU LIKE IT?
IT LOOKS MORE LIKE A RIPPED CONDOM
THERE. NOW PUT ON SOMETHIN' RESPECTABLE.
I GOT BARNEY HEFNER
COMIN' OVER HERE, AND IF
YOU'RE GONNA GET WITH
HIM, YOU GOTTA LOOK FLY.
DADDY, I DON'T WANNA GET WITH HIM.
YOU WANT ME TO GET WITH HIM. BY THE...
WHAT'S SO BIG ABOUT
BARNEY ANYWAY?
THREE THINGS, LITTLE GIRL:
ONE, HE'S GOT A GOOD JOB,
NUMBER TWO... UNLIKE A CERTAIN
HAM-HOCK HEAD YOU USED TO DATE...
HE'S A CITIZEN OF
THE U.S. OF "A" THERE,
AND NUMBER THREE,
SHUT UP AND GET CHANGED!
MA!
AW, GEEZ, HE'S HERE.
BARNEY, MY ACE BOOM. COME
IN. HEY, ARCHIE. WHAT'S UP, MAN?
EDITH, HOW YOU DOIN'?
HEY, BARNEY, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY
DAUGHTER, GLORIA HERE. GET OVER HERE.
GLORIA, THIS IS BARNEY, THE MOST
ELIGIBLE BACHELOR AT THE PLANT. DADDY!
NOW I DON'T MEAN TO
EMBARRASS YOU, BARNEY,
BUT, UH, ME AND THE
GUYS DOWN AT THE PLANT...
HAVE BEEN NOTICING YOU'VE BEEN IN A
LITTLE SLUMP WITH THE HOOCHIES LATELY.
AND IT JUST SO HAPPENS
THAT MY LITTLE GIRL HERE...
HAS JUST GOT OUT OF... WHAT DO YOU CALL...
A "MALFUNCTIONAL" RELATIONSHIP THERE.
THIS IS RIDICULOUS, DADDY. I
WILL NOT BE TREATED LIKE A CHILD.
GEEZ, OF COURSE NOT, LITTLE GIRL.
NOW LET'S GO OUT TO THE KITCHEN...
AND GET BARNEY AN
OLD ENGLISH THERE.
SHE'S A REAL HONEY THERE, EH, BARNEY?
BE RIGHT BACK. I WAS GONNA... UH, LOOK.
YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO TELL
ARCHIE THAT I CAN'T GO OUT WITH GLORIA.
I'M ALREADY SEEIN'
SOMEBODY. OH, THAT'S TOO BAD.
WHAT'S HER NAME? UH, STEVEN.
OH.
OH!
HERE'S YOUR MALT LIQUOR HERE
YOU WANT, YEAH? HERE YOU GO.
OH, THANKS THERE. THANKS. GLORIA'S
OUT IN THE KITCHEN MAKIN' SOME NACHOS.
SHE'S QUITE A GIRL,
THAT GLORIA THERE.
YOU TWO WILL HAVE A GREAT
TIME TOGETHER, BARNEY.
ARCHIE, I JUST DON'T THINK THAT
BARNEY WANTS TO PUSH UP ON GLORIA.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU,
YOU DINGBAT? GLORIA'S DOPE.
- HE'D HAVE TO BE GAY NOT
TO WANT TO GO OUT WITH HER.
- ♪ WHOOMP, THERE IT IS ♪
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU
TALKIN' ABOUT? WHO PUT
SUCH A CRAZY IDEA
LIKE THAT IN YOUR HEAD?
HE DID, ARCH. HE WAS
JOKIN' YOU DINGBAT.
EVERYBODY KNOWS BARNEY'S
GOT A CRAZY SENSE OF HUMOR...
LIKE THE TIME YOU SHOWED UP AT THE
PLANT CHRISTMAS PARTY IN A DRESS THERE?
YEAH. AND HIGH HEELS.
AND PANTY HOSE.
AW, GEEZ!
HERE'S SOME NACHO.
YOU WANT ANOTHER BEER?
WHY DON'T YOU BRING HIM A HARVEY
"WALLBRINGER" WITH AN UMBRELLA THERE?
- OR BETTER YET,
JUST BRING HIM HARVEY.
- HUH?
OH, ARCHIE, CHILL. BARNEY'S
YOUR HOMEY. YOU MEAN, "HOMO."
AND GET YOUR BUTT OUTTA THAT
CHAIR. GOD ONLY KNOW WHERE IT'S BEEN.
LOOK, MAN. YOU ARE
BEIN' IGNORANT, MAN.
I'M NOT IGNORANT, BUDDY. YOU'RE THE
ONE WHO'S IGNORANT. I KNOW MY BIBLE THERE,
WHICH SAYS, IN THE BEGINNING GOD
CREATED ADAM AND EVE, NOT ADAM AND BARNEY.
YOU ARE TALKIN' CRAZY. YOU DIDN'T
HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH ME YESTERDAY.
YESTERDAY, YOU
WASN'T A FROOT LOOP.
THAT'S IT. I'M LEAVIN',
MAN. SO SOON, BARNEY?
ARCHIE, I'M ASHAMED OF YOU.
ME TOO, DADDY. YOU'VE BEEN
FRIENDS FOR TOO LONG TO END THIS WAY.
AW, GEEZ, YOU TWO.
DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK!
BARNEY, WE'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT
TOGETHER, AND I... I GUESS YOU'RE OKAY...
FOR A PANSY.
OH, THANKS, ARCHIE. LOOK, I'LL SEE
YOU TOMORROW AT THE PLANT, ALL RIGHT?
SO, UH, I... OH, DID I DROP
A QUARTER OVER THERE?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT, BARNEY?
I DON'T SEE NO QUARTER OVER HERE.
- OOH, BABY GOT BACK.
- GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!
GEEZ!
ME, MYSELF AND I.
DERONDA HIGHTOWER,
ARE YOU UP THERE?
IT'S POOKIE. NO.
GIRL, THEN WHO IS THAT
TALKIN'? NOBODY. IT'S THE TV.
♪ IN LIVIN' COLOR,
LIV... LIV... LIV... LIVIN' ♪
UH, BUY THIS TODAY.
IT'S WONDERFUL.
GIRL, THAT AIN'T
NO TV. THAT'S YOU.
LET ME IN. WHAT'S THE PASSWORD?
UM, "I DIDN'T SEE NOTHIN' WHEN STUPID OLD
LEON PULLED YOUR, UH, UNDERPANTS DOWN."
OKAY. BUT YOUR MAMMA
NEED TO BUY SOME SHOUT.
SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
SHUT UP! OKAY! OKAY! OKAY!
LET'S PLAY A GAME. OKAY.
LET'S PLAY "LORENA BOBBIT."
I'LL GET THE SCISSORS. NO.
I DON'T WANNA PLAY THAT.
OKAY. WHAT YOU WANNA PLAY?
UM, LET'S PLAY "PARTY." OKAY.
GOIN' TO THE PARTY. PARTY, PARTY,
PARTY. OH, HERE WE ARE AT THE PARTY.
OH, DON'T YOU "BARE-ASS"
ME IN FRONT OF OUR FRIENDS.
YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T
HOLD YOUR LIQUORICE. GIRL...
♪ DING, DONG ♪
YOU ALWAYS NAGGIN' ME.
THAT'S ALL YOU DO. NAG,
NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG...
OH, SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SEE
WHAT I MEAN! SEE WHAT I MEAN!
HELLO.
OH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL PARTY.
SUCH LOVELY DECLARATIONS. YES.
SO "EFFESTIVE." YES. I WOULD
LOVE SOMETHING TO DRINK.
GIVE ME A "J.J." WALKER
WITH A TWIST OF "WILONA"...
AND A SCOTTISH MAN ON
THE ROCKS WITH A DOUBLE DIP.
DON'T YOU THINK
THAT'S A LITTLE BIT MUCH?
GIRL, WHY YOU ALWAYS
GOTTA BUST MY BASKETBALLS?
I'M GONNA GO TO JACOBY & MYERS.
THEY'VE BEEN ON MY SIDE SINCE 1981.
I WILL GET MY OWN
DRINK, THANK YOU.
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT
TO DO WITH THAT MAN.
HE HASN'T BEEN THE SAME SINCE
THE REAGAN "MINSTERATION."
OH, AND DON'T WORRY
ABOUT ME, BABY.
I'M GONNA FIND A MAN
WHO DEPRECIATES ME.
OH, OH, YOU SO FUNNY.
AND YOU CUTE TOO.
OH! HEY, WAIT A MINUTE. DON'T
PINCH ME. WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA, BUDDY?
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
LET ME TELL... HEY,
MAN, THAT'S MY WOMAN.
OH, NO. WHAT HAVE I DONE?
MY HERO.
LET'S PLAY ANOTHER GAME.
OKAY. WHAT YOU WANNA PLAY?
LET'S PLAY "POSITIVE BLACK ROLE
MODELS ON TELEVISION." OKAY.
HELLO, EVERYB...
SORRY. YOU CANCELED.
SEE YOU, DERONDA.
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY. TAKE FIVE.
OH, MAN. COME ON, ICE TRAY.
WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?
♪♪
♪♪ SAY, LET'S GET
THIS CLUB ON HERE, MAN.
HEY, MAN. GOTTA HAVE
THAT CLUB. NOW LOOK HERE.
FORGET ICE TRAY, HOME
BASE, AH, HA-HA, AH, HA-HA.
'CAUSE WE ARE IN THE HOUSE. YOU
HEAR ME? UH, MAN, WHAT THE HELL IS...
MAN, I THINK AN INTRODUCIONES
WOULD BE IN ORDER RIGHT NOW.
I'M CLAVELL. AND I
AM HOWARD TIBBS III.
AND WE ARE... FUNKY
FINGER PRODUCTIONS.
YOU HEAR ME? SHO'
NUFF. AH, HA-HA.
LET ME GIVE YOU ONE OF MY
CARDS. YOU KNOW, I'M FRESH OUT.
I MUST'VE GAVE THE LAST ONE TO, ER, UM,
UH, SLICK RICK'S COMIN' OUT PARTY. HOWARD?
BAM!
ALL RIGHT, MAN. PAY NO
ATTENTION TO ALL THAT STUFF, MAN.
REESIE'S BABY GOT BOOGERS
ALL OVER THIS THING, MAN.
THAT'S THE NUMBER. THAT'S MY
COUSIN BOUDREAU. ALL RIGHT?
CALL ANYTIME YOU WANT. NOW THAT'S
PIZZA HUT, BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
UH, WHAT DO YOU GUYS WANT?
DON'T YOU KNOW, WE ARE
RAPPERS EXTRAORDINAIRE?
OKAY, LOOK. I-I'M SURE
YOU GUYS ARE GOOD, BUT...
I ONLY HANDLE O.G. GANGSTA, ORIGINAL
RAPPERS. WELL, TRUST ME, HOME B.
- YOU HEAR THAT?
- WE ARE BAD.
- PUT THAT THING...
- IT'S COOL, MAN.
TRYIN' TO KILL SOMEBODY? MAN, HAVE
YOU EVER HEARD THE SONG, "COP KILLER"?
WELL, OUR DEBUT SINGLE IS CALLED, "KILL
THE COP AND THEN JAYWALK." SAY WHAT?
NOW, CHECK OUT THE
CAREER MASTER-BLASTER PLAN.
HOWARD, WOULD YOU BE SO
KIND AS TO DO THE HONORS...
SOON AS YOU GET YOUR THANG
CORRECT? AH, HA-HA. COMIN' AT YA.
BAM!
ALL RIGHT NOW, LET
ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN'.
OUR RESEARCH SHOWS... MM-HMM,
THAT CRIMINAL CHARGES CAN DO
WONDERS FOR YOUR RECORD SALES.
NOW THIS IS OUR FUNKY FINGER FELONY
CHART. NOW YOU SEE, THIS HERE IS TUPAC.
CAN'T LEAVE THE BITCHES
ALONE. YOU HEAR WHAT I'M SAYIN'?
THEN WE SLI-I-IDE ON DOWN... SNOOP
DOGGY DOGG WITH A NUCLEAR CURL.
ONE WELL-TIMED DRIVE-BY, AND HE'S
PLATINUM, BABY. YOU HEAR WHAT I'M SAYIN'?
NOW SEE, WE TAUGHT SNOOP
DOGGY DOGG EVERYTHING HE KNOWS.
RAISED HIM FROM A PUP, MAN.
WHAT WAS HIS NAME BACK THEN?
SCRAPPY-DOO. SAY WHAT?
O-OKAY. WELL, GUYS, IF
YOU DON'T MIND, I'M SORRY.
I HAVE... HEY, HEY, HEY!
UH, UH, UH, LOOK HERE, MAN.
FUNKY FINGER PRODUCTIONS, MAN... WE
ARE IN, AND WE ARE DOWN. YES, THAT RIGHT.
NOW IF YOU SLIDE DOWN TO THE
END, HERE WE BE. NOW... RIGHT THERE.
WE GO UP INTO A MARKET, SLIP A
FEW SNICKER BARS IN THE HIP POCK-ET,
AND WE WILL HAVE ENOUGH GOLD IN OUR
TEETH TO MAKE A RECORD. UH, SECURITY!
UH, MAN, HOLD ON, MAN. DAMN,
THAT VEST IS BUMPIN'. SAY WHAT?
YOU CAN'T STOP
THE MUSIC, HOWARD.
♪♪
♪♪
IN THE GROVE. ♪♪
AND FREEZE. ♪♪
FREEZE. AND...
♪♪
♪♪
FREEZE. ♪♪ AND FREEZE
ONE MO' TIME. AND...
BAM! THERE YOU GO.
SEE,
NOW THIS HERE IS THE VIDEO
FOR THE SOON-TO-BE HIT SINGLE,
"I'M GONNA BUST A
CAP IN YOUR BOOTAY."
NOW YOU SEE, THIS IS "R & B" ON
THE HIP-HOP TIP, LIKE BELL BIV DeVOE.
YOU KNOW, I LOVE THE LITTLE LEAD SINGER...
THE ONE WITH THE NEANDERTHAL FRONTAL LOBE?
OH, YEAH.
LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE DOLPHIN?
SHO' NUFF. CHECK IT OUT.
COME ON, NOW.
SEE, FOCUS UP, MAN! HERE
WE GO, HOME SKILLET. ACCIONE!
KICK IT! ♪♪
♪ IT'S LIKE... ♪
- UH, YEAH. UH...
- UH, OKAY. OH! ICE TRAY!
OH, MAN! AND THOSE THE
PUNKS THAT TIED ME UP.
GET 'EM! ALL RIGHT, YOU
TWO. FUN'S OVER. LET'S GO.
COME ON. COME ON. I'M
GONNA GET YOU SOME, MAN.
HEY! HEY! LISTEN TO
ME, MAN. COME ON!
TAKE IT OFF. HEY! HEY!
MAVERICK RECORDING ARTIST ME'SHELL
NDEGEOCELLO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
♪♪
YO, PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER.
YO, BIZ, WE GONNA
ROCK THE HOUSE.
YO, BOUND TO WRECK YOUR BODY AND
TURN THE PARTY UP. CHECK IT OUT, UH!
WHOO! GOT BIZ IN THE HOUSE.
I'M LIVE IN LIVING
COLOR. AIN'T THAT RIGHT?
♪ YOU SAY THAT'S YOUR
BOYFRIEND YOU SAY I'M OUTTA LINE ♪
♪ FUNNY, HE SAID I COULD
CALL HIM UP ANYTIME ♪
♪ YOU CAN CALL ME WRONG
SAY THAT I AIN'T RIGHT ♪
♪ BUT IF THAT'S YOU BOYFRIEND
HE WASN'T LAST NIGHT ♪
♪ I'M THE KIND OF WOMAN
I'LL DO ALMOST ANYTHING ♪
♪ TO GET WHAT YA WANT I
MIGHT PLAY ANY LITTLE GAME ♪
♪ CALL ME WHAT YOU LIKE
BUT YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE ♪
♪ YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS
'CAUSE HE WASN'T WITH YOU ♪
♪ DON'T MEAN NO HARM
JUST LIKE WHAT I SEE ♪
♪ AND IT AIN'T MY
FAULT IF HE WANTS ME ♪
♪ GOT WHAT I WANTED AND
THE FEELING WAS RIGHT ♪
♪ SO IF THAT'S YOUR BOYFRIEND
HE WASN'T LAST NIGHT ♪
- ♪ CHECK IT OUT, SING
BOYFRIEND, BOYFRIEND ♪
- ♪ BOYFRIEND, BOYFRIEND ♪
♪ YES, I HAD YOUR BOYFRIEND
♪ ♪ YES YO, I GET AROUND, UH ♪
♪ SAY, IF THAT'S YOUR BOYFRIEND HE WASN'T
LAST NIGHT ♪ ♪ BOYFRIEND, BOYFRIEND ♪
♪ YES, I HAD YOUR BOYFRIEND ♪
YO, ALL RIGHT, BIZ. HEY.
♪ IF THAT'S YOUR BOYFRIEND
IF THAT'S YOUR BOYFRIEND ♪
♪ IF THAT'S YOUR BOYFRIEND
HE WASN'T LAST NIGHT ♪
SO CRANK UP THE TRACK.
♪ YEAH, LATE AT NIGHT CALLS ME ON MY
TELEPHONE THAT'S WHY WHEN YOU CALL HIM ♪
♪ ALL YOU GET IS A BUSY, BUSY TONE
YOU'RE UPSET 'CAUSE YOU ONE ♪♪
WHERE THE WEATHER IS HOT
AND THE WOMEN ARE HOTTER,
THERE'S A LITTLE SPOT
CALLED THE MUSTANG RANCH...
A PLACE WHERE PROSTITUTION
IS PERFECTLY LEGAL.
YOU GET TO CHOOSE YOUR PARTNER
FROM A STABLE OF GORGEOUS WOMEN,
THEN YOU CAN TAKE THEM UP TO A
PRIVATE ROOM FOR A ROLL IN THE HAY.
BUT IF YOU PLAN ON
VISITING THIS BROTHEL,
YOU BETTER BRING YOUR
RUBBERS AND YOUR VISTA CARD.
BECAUSE AT THE MUSTANG RANCH, THEY
DON'T LET YOU RIDE WITHOUT A RAINCOAT,
AND THEY DON'T
TAKE U.S. EXPRESS.
VISTA... IT'S EVERYWHERE
YOU WANT TO BE.
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
- ♪ TAKE IT FROM ME
IT'S A'IGHT TO BE ♪
- HI-YAH!
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ AND HOW WOULD YA... HOW
WOULD YA... HOW WOULD YA F... ♪
♪ HOW WOULD YOU FEEL KNOWING
PREJUDICE WAS OBSOLETE ♪
♪ AND ALL MANKIND
DANCED TO THE EXACT BEAT ♪
♪ AND AT NIGHT IT WAS SAFE
TO WALK DOWN THE STREET ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪
HELLO, EVERYONE, AND WELCOME
TO C.J. McDOODLE'S NEWEST LOCATION,
LOCATED RIGHT HERE
IN OUR MIDTOWN PLAZA.
NOW DON'T FORGET TO TRY
OUR NEW FLAVOR FOR THE DAY.
IT'S SORT OF A TUNA
FISH-POP-TARTS-STARBURST FLAVOR...
MMM! BUT IT'S NOT.
OKAY. NOW, PLEASE HELP ME IN
WELCOMING ONE OF MY FAVORITES...
AND I KNOW HE'S ONE OF YOURS...
LET'S HEAR IT FOR WILE E. COYOTE!
♪♪
♪ YEAH, SAY, OOH, OOH ♪ COME ON,
KIDS. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'? YEAH. SAY,
♪ OOH, OOH ♪♪
YEAH. ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT. KILL.
CUT, CUT, CUT. ♪♪
I NO LONGER GO BY THAT SLAVE,
CARTOON NAME, "WILE E. COYOTE,"
BUT I GO BY "WILLY COYOTE,"
'CAUSE I GOT YOUR BACK,
SNOOP DOGGY DOGG. HELL, YEAH.
OKAY, WILLY, UH... HEY, I HEAR THAT
"PATRONISTIC" SOUND IN YOUR VOICE.
OKAY. WELL, HE'LL BE HERE FOR
ANOTHER SEVEN HOURS, KIDS.
SO DON'T BE SHY. COME UP AND
ASK A FEW QUESTIONS, OKAY?
HI, MR. COYOTE. HEY, HEY, HEY.
HOW YOU DOIN'? DON'T GET TOO CLOSE.
I KNOW ABOUT YOU WHITE WOMEN. MY
SON THINKS YOUR SHOW IS SO FUNNY.
HE JUST LOVES YOU AND
THAT LITTLE ROADRUNNER.
HA, HA. YOU'LL NEVER CATCH HIM. TELL YOU
WHAT. I'M THE ONE THAT MADE THE ROADRUNNER.
I CAUGHT HIM, BUT SEE, THEY DON'T WANNA
SHOW YOU A BROTHER CATCHIN' A BROTHER,
'CAUSE THEY THINK I'LL TRY TO GET TOO MUCH
ON THE SHOW, UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYIN'?
WHY DON'T YOU RUN ALONG
AND PLAY ON THE RAILROAD
TRACKS SOMEWHERE
WHILE A TRAIN IS COMIN'?
YOU AIN'T TREATIN'
ME LIKE A 'TOON.
YOU KNOW, I LIKE LADIES, GIRL, YOU
KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'? YOU LOOKIN' GOOD.
GOT SOME GOOD LOOKIN' LEGS.
JUST WANNA RUB UP AGAINST 'EM.
HEY, GET OFF OF ME! HEY. OH, IT'S
'CAUSE I AIN'T GOT NO GENITALS, HUH?
IS THAT WHAT IT IS?
HEY. HEY! HEY, HEY, HEY.
I HIRED YOU FOR GOOD,
WHOLESOME ENTERTAINMENT.
NOW YOU KEEP IT UP, AND I'LL TAKE
THE HOSE TO YA. HEY, YEAH, MAN.
SPEAKIN' OF HOSE, BROTHER, IS
THERE A TREE I CAN RAISE MY LEG ON?
'CAUSE I REALLY GOT TO
LET THIS GO, YOU KNOW?
YOU SHOULD'VE THOUGHT
ABOUT THAT BEFORE YOU
PUNCHED IN. YOU DON'T GET
A BREAK FOR ANOTHER HOUR.
I SEE WHAT'S GOIN' ON.
YOU GONNA TREAT ME
LIKE A 'TOON? RIGHT. GO
AHEAD AND OPPRESS ME.
YOU WOULDN'T DO THIS TO WOODY
WOODPECKER, NOW WOULD YA, HUH?
I KNOW YOU WOULDN'T.
SEE, THAT'S THE THING.
SEE, YOU GUYS ARE
TREATIN' US CANINES WRONG.
OH, I'LL SAY IT, AND
I'LL SAY IT AGAIN:
I DIDN'T LAND ON PLYMOUTH ROCK.
PLYMOUTH ROCK LANDED ON ME.
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT, MAN. NOW
THAT'S GOOD, WHOLESOME ENTERTAINMENT, MAN.
AIN'T THIS A BITCH? BEEP, BEEP!
HEY, HEY, HEY, YOU... HEY, LET ME
TELL YOU SOMETHIN', LITTLE KIDS.
I AIN'T LIKE THAT LITTLE DINOSAUR
BARNEY. I'LL BREAK YOU UP SOME.
I'LL GO CUJO ON YOU LITTLE
TYKES, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?
HELP! HELP, SECURITY!
GET DOWN! GET
DOWN! GET DOWN, Y'ALL!
DAMN!
WHOA THERE, VARMINT!
GET YOUR FLEA-BITTEN PAWS OFF'N THEM
KIDS BEFORE I SHOOT YOU TO SMITHEREENIES!
YOU WAS CLOSE.
WELL, GREAT HORNY TOADS, IT'S THE COYOTE.
I SEE YOU GOT RID OF THE FLEA COLLAR.
YEAH, MAN. YOU KNOW, I WENT DOWN
TO THE CLINIC, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE...
THAT LITTLE BITCH BURNED ME,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'? YEAH!
HI, MR. COYOTE. HI, MR. SAM.
COULD WE GET YOUR AUTOGRAPHS?
NO PROBLEM. YOU GOT A
PEN THERE, BROTHER? SURE.
HERE'S ONE. ALL RIGHT, THERE.
LET'S SEE. THIS IS A FUNNY LOOKIN' PEN.
"BEST OF LUCK ON THE NINE-TRE,
'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOIN' ON."
HEY, YA SLIMY LITTLE CRITTERS,
THESE PENS DON'T EVEN WRITE!
YEAH. WHAT TH...
I HATE THEM KIDS.
COMING THIS WEEK ON FOX:
THE FIRST ANNUAL
INFOMERCIAL AWARDS SHOW...
HONORING THE FINEST IN COMMERCIALS
THAT TRY TO LOOK LIKE REAL TV SHOWS.
AND NOW YOUR HOST,
"JUICY" JAY KORDICH...
AND HIS FAWNING SHILL, GORDY!
THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WHAT AN HONOR IT IS TO BE YOUR HOST
FOR THE INFYS. HEY, GORDY, WHERE ARE YA?
RIGHT BEHIND YA,
JUICY JAY. YOU'RE CRAZY.
YEAH! I DIDN'T
EVEN SEE YA THERE!
NOW GORDY, WHAT'S OUR FIRST
CATEGORY? OKAY, JUICY JAY.
TELL THEM! OKAY, JUICY JAY.
OUR FIRST AWARD IS OUR...
FOR THE OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT IN
THE FIELD OF GET-RICH-QUICK SCHEMES.
YEAH!
AND THE NOMINEES
ARE: TOMMY WOO...
YOU AMERICANS LAZY.
I WAS BOAT PERSON.
I STILL BOAT PERSON,
BUT NOW BOAT IS OVER 100
FEET LONG WITH JACUZZI
BIGGER THAN YOUR HOUSE.
AND ALL I DO IS HAVE SEX ALL DAY
WITH WOMEN TWICE AS TALL AS ME.
AND TONY ROBBINS, UNLEASH...
YOUR FINANCIAL GIANT.
I WANT TO UNLEASH THE
FINANCIAL GIANT WITHIN YOU.
I KNOW MY SIZE IS ALARMING,
BUT DO NOT FEAR ME.
IN TIME YOU WILL REALIZE
I AM A FRIENDLY GIANT,
MUCH LIKE HERMAN MUNSTER, OR THAT
RETARDED FELLOW ON OF MICE AND MEN.
FEE-FI-FO-FUM, I SMELL THE
BLOOD OF FRAN TARKINGTON.
AND THE WINNER IS... TOMMY WOO!
YEAH! COME ON UP HERE, TOM.
- TAKE THAT!
- YOU LIKE ME. YOU REALLY, REALLY LIKE ME.
TOO BAD I DON'T LIKE YOU. YOU LAZY
AMERICAN LOSER. YOUR S.A.T. SCORES SUCK!
HEY! UNLIKE YOUR SHOW, WE
DON'T HAVE 30 MINUTES. NOW SCRAM.
YEAH!
LET'S GET ON WITH THE
NEXT AWARD, GORDY.
GET ON WITH IT! UH,
THE NEXT AWARD...
IS FOR OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT BY A
PHYSICALLY REPELLENT INFOMERCIAL HOST.
NOW OUR FIRST
NOMINEE IS LORIE DAVIS,
WHO SHOULD ORDER SUSAN POWTER'S
STOP THE INSANITY WEIGHT LOSS TAPE.
OUR SECOND NOMINEE
IS SUSAN POWTER,
WHO COULD BENEFIT FROM
LORIE DAVES HAIR CARE SYSTEMS.
OUR THIRD NOMINEE
IS JAYNE KENNEDY,
WHO SHOULD TRY JAYNE
KENNEDY'S CALIFORNIA DIET.
AND THE WINNER IS SUSAN
POWTER AND LORIE DAVES! YEAH!
I'D LIKE TO THANK, UH, EVERYBODY
OUT THERE WITH BAD PROBLEM HAIR...
WHO'S MADE THE LORIE DAVES...
HAIR CARE SYSTEM SUCH A SUCCESS.
I'D LIKE TO THANK ALL THE
DESPERATE, OBESE WOMEN OUT THERE...
WHO HAVE DECIDED TO "STOP THE
INSANITY" AND SEND ME THEIR MONEY.
THAT'S A REAL NICE HAIRCUT, HONEY.
YOU LOOK LIKE A TENNIS BALL WITH A HEAD.
EXCUSE ME. ARE YOU TALKING
TO ME, SHAMU? YES. I AM, HONEY.
YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW, YOU...
YOU HAVE REAL PRETTY EYES.
YOU'RE PRETTY GOOD
LOOKING FOR A BIG GAL.
HEY! HEY! THE FIRST ANNUAL
INFOMERCIAL AWARDS.
COMING NEXT WEEK ON FOX.
GIVE 'EM A TIME-OUT. THAT'S IT.
TELL 'EM TO GET A ROOM. YEAH!
ARCHIE, YOU BETTER HURRY UP.
BARNEY HEFNER WILL BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
I'M JUST FINISHIN' UP SOME
IMPORTANT BUSINESS, EDITH.
SAY, EDITH, DO ME A
FAVOR THERE, WILL YA?
THE NEXT TIME YOU MAKE MACARONI,
CHILL OUT ON THE CHEESE, HUH?
IT SENDS ME TO 30 MINUTES
OF HARD LABOR THERE.
HEY, WAIT A SECOND. HOLD
ON A SECOND, LITTLE GIRL.
- CAN I ASK YOU
A QUESTION THERE?
- SURE, DADDY.
WHAT THE HELL ARE
YOU WEARIN'? IT'S AN OLD
ADIDAS SCHOOL DRESS,
DADDY. DON'T YOU LIKE IT?
IT LOOKS MORE LIKE A RIPPED CONDOM
THERE. NOW PUT ON SOMETHIN' RESPECTABLE.
I GOT BARNEY HEFNER
COMIN' OVER HERE, AND IF
YOU'RE GONNA GET WITH
HIM, YOU GOTTA LOOK FLY.
DADDY, I DON'T WANNA GET WITH HIM.
YOU WANT ME TO GET WITH HIM. BY THE...
WHAT'S SO BIG ABOUT
BARNEY ANYWAY?
THREE THINGS, LITTLE GIRL:
ONE, HE'S GOT A GOOD JOB,
NUMBER TWO... UNLIKE A CERTAIN
HAM-HOCK HEAD YOU USED TO DATE...
HE'S A CITIZEN OF
THE U.S. OF "A" THERE,
AND NUMBER THREE,
SHUT UP AND GET CHANGED!
MA!
AW, GEEZ, HE'S HERE.
BARNEY, MY ACE BOOM. COME
IN. HEY, ARCHIE. WHAT'S UP, MAN?
EDITH, HOW YOU DOIN'?
HEY, BARNEY, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY
DAUGHTER, GLORIA HERE. GET OVER HERE.
GLORIA, THIS IS BARNEY, THE MOST
ELIGIBLE BACHELOR AT THE PLANT. DADDY!
NOW I DON'T MEAN TO
EMBARRASS YOU, BARNEY,
BUT, UH, ME AND THE
GUYS DOWN AT THE PLANT...
HAVE BEEN NOTICING YOU'VE BEEN IN A
LITTLE SLUMP WITH THE HOOCHIES LATELY.
AND IT JUST SO HAPPENS
THAT MY LITTLE GIRL HERE...
HAS JUST GOT OUT OF... WHAT DO YOU CALL...
A "MALFUNCTIONAL" RELATIONSHIP THERE.
THIS IS RIDICULOUS, DADDY. I
WILL NOT BE TREATED LIKE A CHILD.
GEEZ, OF COURSE NOT, LITTLE GIRL.
NOW LET'S GO OUT TO THE KITCHEN...
AND GET BARNEY AN
OLD ENGLISH THERE.
SHE'S A REAL HONEY THERE, EH, BARNEY?
BE RIGHT BACK. I WAS GONNA... UH, LOOK.
YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO TELL
ARCHIE THAT I CAN'T GO OUT WITH GLORIA.
I'M ALREADY SEEIN'
SOMEBODY. OH, THAT'S TOO BAD.
WHAT'S HER NAME? UH, STEVEN.
OH.
OH!
HERE'S YOUR MALT LIQUOR HERE
YOU WANT, YEAH? HERE YOU GO.
OH, THANKS THERE. THANKS. GLORIA'S
OUT IN THE KITCHEN MAKIN' SOME NACHOS.
SHE'S QUITE A GIRL,
THAT GLORIA THERE.
YOU TWO WILL HAVE A GREAT
TIME TOGETHER, BARNEY.
ARCHIE, I JUST DON'T THINK THAT
BARNEY WANTS TO PUSH UP ON GLORIA.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU,
YOU DINGBAT? GLORIA'S DOPE.
- HE'D HAVE TO BE GAY NOT
TO WANT TO GO OUT WITH HER.
- ♪ WHOOMP, THERE IT IS ♪
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU
TALKIN' ABOUT? WHO PUT
SUCH A CRAZY IDEA
LIKE THAT IN YOUR HEAD?
HE DID, ARCH. HE WAS
JOKIN' YOU DINGBAT.
EVERYBODY KNOWS BARNEY'S
GOT A CRAZY SENSE OF HUMOR...
LIKE THE TIME YOU SHOWED UP AT THE
PLANT CHRISTMAS PARTY IN A DRESS THERE?
YEAH. AND HIGH HEELS.
AND PANTY HOSE.
AW, GEEZ!
HERE'S SOME NACHO.
YOU WANT ANOTHER BEER?
WHY DON'T YOU BRING HIM A HARVEY
"WALLBRINGER" WITH AN UMBRELLA THERE?
- OR BETTER YET,
JUST BRING HIM HARVEY.
- HUH?
OH, ARCHIE, CHILL. BARNEY'S
YOUR HOMEY. YOU MEAN, "HOMO."
AND GET YOUR BUTT OUTTA THAT
CHAIR. GOD ONLY KNOW WHERE IT'S BEEN.
LOOK, MAN. YOU ARE
BEIN' IGNORANT, MAN.
I'M NOT IGNORANT, BUDDY. YOU'RE THE
ONE WHO'S IGNORANT. I KNOW MY BIBLE THERE,
WHICH SAYS, IN THE BEGINNING GOD
CREATED ADAM AND EVE, NOT ADAM AND BARNEY.
YOU ARE TALKIN' CRAZY. YOU DIDN'T
HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH ME YESTERDAY.
YESTERDAY, YOU
WASN'T A FROOT LOOP.
THAT'S IT. I'M LEAVIN',
MAN. SO SOON, BARNEY?
ARCHIE, I'M ASHAMED OF YOU.
ME TOO, DADDY. YOU'VE BEEN
FRIENDS FOR TOO LONG TO END THIS WAY.
AW, GEEZ, YOU TWO.
DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK!
BARNEY, WE'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT
TOGETHER, AND I... I GUESS YOU'RE OKAY...
FOR A PANSY.
OH, THANKS, ARCHIE. LOOK, I'LL SEE
YOU TOMORROW AT THE PLANT, ALL RIGHT?
SO, UH, I... OH, DID I DROP
A QUARTER OVER THERE?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT, BARNEY?
I DON'T SEE NO QUARTER OVER HERE.
- OOH, BABY GOT BACK.
- GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!
GEEZ!
ME, MYSELF AND I.
DERONDA HIGHTOWER,
ARE YOU UP THERE?
IT'S POOKIE. NO.
GIRL, THEN WHO IS THAT
TALKIN'? NOBODY. IT'S THE TV.
♪ IN LIVIN' COLOR,
LIV... LIV... LIV... LIVIN' ♪
UH, BUY THIS TODAY.
IT'S WONDERFUL.
GIRL, THAT AIN'T
NO TV. THAT'S YOU.
LET ME IN. WHAT'S THE PASSWORD?
UM, "I DIDN'T SEE NOTHIN' WHEN STUPID OLD
LEON PULLED YOUR, UH, UNDERPANTS DOWN."
OKAY. BUT YOUR MAMMA
NEED TO BUY SOME SHOUT.
SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
SHUT UP! OKAY! OKAY! OKAY!
LET'S PLAY A GAME. OKAY.
LET'S PLAY "LORENA BOBBIT."
I'LL GET THE SCISSORS. NO.
I DON'T WANNA PLAY THAT.
OKAY. WHAT YOU WANNA PLAY?
UM, LET'S PLAY "PARTY." OKAY.
GOIN' TO THE PARTY. PARTY, PARTY,
PARTY. OH, HERE WE ARE AT THE PARTY.
OH, DON'T YOU "BARE-ASS"
ME IN FRONT OF OUR FRIENDS.
YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T
HOLD YOUR LIQUORICE. GIRL...
♪ DING, DONG ♪
YOU ALWAYS NAGGIN' ME.
THAT'S ALL YOU DO. NAG,
NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG...
OH, SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SEE
WHAT I MEAN! SEE WHAT I MEAN!
HELLO.
OH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL PARTY.
SUCH LOVELY DECLARATIONS. YES.
SO "EFFESTIVE." YES. I WOULD
LOVE SOMETHING TO DRINK.
GIVE ME A "J.J." WALKER
WITH A TWIST OF "WILONA"...
AND A SCOTTISH MAN ON
THE ROCKS WITH A DOUBLE DIP.
DON'T YOU THINK
THAT'S A LITTLE BIT MUCH?
GIRL, WHY YOU ALWAYS
GOTTA BUST MY BASKETBALLS?
I'M GONNA GO TO JACOBY & MYERS.
THEY'VE BEEN ON MY SIDE SINCE 1981.
I WILL GET MY OWN
DRINK, THANK YOU.
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT
TO DO WITH THAT MAN.
HE HASN'T BEEN THE SAME SINCE
THE REAGAN "MINSTERATION."
OH, AND DON'T WORRY
ABOUT ME, BABY.
I'M GONNA FIND A MAN
WHO DEPRECIATES ME.
OH, OH, YOU SO FUNNY.
AND YOU CUTE TOO.
OH! HEY, WAIT A MINUTE. DON'T
PINCH ME. WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA, BUDDY?
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
LET ME TELL... HEY,
MAN, THAT'S MY WOMAN.
OH, NO. WHAT HAVE I DONE?
MY HERO.
LET'S PLAY ANOTHER GAME.
OKAY. WHAT YOU WANNA PLAY?
LET'S PLAY "POSITIVE BLACK ROLE
MODELS ON TELEVISION." OKAY.
HELLO, EVERYB...
SORRY. YOU CANCELED.
SEE YOU, DERONDA.
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY. TAKE FIVE.
OH, MAN. COME ON, ICE TRAY.
WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?
♪♪
♪♪ SAY, LET'S GET
THIS CLUB ON HERE, MAN.
HEY, MAN. GOTTA HAVE
THAT CLUB. NOW LOOK HERE.
FORGET ICE TRAY, HOME
BASE, AH, HA-HA, AH, HA-HA.
'CAUSE WE ARE IN THE HOUSE. YOU
HEAR ME? UH, MAN, WHAT THE HELL IS...
MAN, I THINK AN INTRODUCIONES
WOULD BE IN ORDER RIGHT NOW.
I'M CLAVELL. AND I
AM HOWARD TIBBS III.
AND WE ARE... FUNKY
FINGER PRODUCTIONS.
YOU HEAR ME? SHO'
NUFF. AH, HA-HA.
LET ME GIVE YOU ONE OF MY
CARDS. YOU KNOW, I'M FRESH OUT.
I MUST'VE GAVE THE LAST ONE TO, ER, UM,
UH, SLICK RICK'S COMIN' OUT PARTY. HOWARD?
BAM!
ALL RIGHT, MAN. PAY NO
ATTENTION TO ALL THAT STUFF, MAN.
REESIE'S BABY GOT BOOGERS
ALL OVER THIS THING, MAN.
THAT'S THE NUMBER. THAT'S MY
COUSIN BOUDREAU. ALL RIGHT?
CALL ANYTIME YOU WANT. NOW THAT'S
PIZZA HUT, BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
UH, WHAT DO YOU GUYS WANT?
DON'T YOU KNOW, WE ARE
RAPPERS EXTRAORDINAIRE?
OKAY, LOOK. I-I'M SURE
YOU GUYS ARE GOOD, BUT...
I ONLY HANDLE O.G. GANGSTA, ORIGINAL
RAPPERS. WELL, TRUST ME, HOME B.
- YOU HEAR THAT?
- WE ARE BAD.
- PUT THAT THING...
- IT'S COOL, MAN.
TRYIN' TO KILL SOMEBODY? MAN, HAVE
YOU EVER HEARD THE SONG, "COP KILLER"?
WELL, OUR DEBUT SINGLE IS CALLED, "KILL
THE COP AND THEN JAYWALK." SAY WHAT?
NOW, CHECK OUT THE
CAREER MASTER-BLASTER PLAN.
HOWARD, WOULD YOU BE SO
KIND AS TO DO THE HONORS...
SOON AS YOU GET YOUR THANG
CORRECT? AH, HA-HA. COMIN' AT YA.
BAM!
ALL RIGHT NOW, LET
ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN'.
OUR RESEARCH SHOWS... MM-HMM,
THAT CRIMINAL CHARGES CAN DO
WONDERS FOR YOUR RECORD SALES.
NOW THIS IS OUR FUNKY FINGER FELONY
CHART. NOW YOU SEE, THIS HERE IS TUPAC.
CAN'T LEAVE THE BITCHES
ALONE. YOU HEAR WHAT I'M SAYIN'?
THEN WE SLI-I-IDE ON DOWN... SNOOP
DOGGY DOGG WITH A NUCLEAR CURL.
ONE WELL-TIMED DRIVE-BY, AND HE'S
PLATINUM, BABY. YOU HEAR WHAT I'M SAYIN'?
NOW SEE, WE TAUGHT SNOOP
DOGGY DOGG EVERYTHING HE KNOWS.
RAISED HIM FROM A PUP, MAN.
WHAT WAS HIS NAME BACK THEN?
SCRAPPY-DOO. SAY WHAT?
O-OKAY. WELL, GUYS, IF
YOU DON'T MIND, I'M SORRY.
I HAVE... HEY, HEY, HEY!
UH, UH, UH, LOOK HERE, MAN.
FUNKY FINGER PRODUCTIONS, MAN... WE
ARE IN, AND WE ARE DOWN. YES, THAT RIGHT.
NOW IF YOU SLIDE DOWN TO THE
END, HERE WE BE. NOW... RIGHT THERE.
WE GO UP INTO A MARKET, SLIP A
FEW SNICKER BARS IN THE HIP POCK-ET,
AND WE WILL HAVE ENOUGH GOLD IN OUR
TEETH TO MAKE A RECORD. UH, SECURITY!
UH, MAN, HOLD ON, MAN. DAMN,
THAT VEST IS BUMPIN'. SAY WHAT?
YOU CAN'T STOP
THE MUSIC, HOWARD.
♪♪
♪♪
IN THE GROVE. ♪♪
AND FREEZE. ♪♪
FREEZE. AND...
♪♪
♪♪
FREEZE. ♪♪ AND FREEZE
ONE MO' TIME. AND...
BAM! THERE YOU GO.
SEE,
NOW THIS HERE IS THE VIDEO
FOR THE SOON-TO-BE HIT SINGLE,
"I'M GONNA BUST A
CAP IN YOUR BOOTAY."
NOW YOU SEE, THIS IS "R & B" ON
THE HIP-HOP TIP, LIKE BELL BIV DeVOE.
YOU KNOW, I LOVE THE LITTLE LEAD SINGER...
THE ONE WITH THE NEANDERTHAL FRONTAL LOBE?
OH, YEAH.
LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE DOLPHIN?
SHO' NUFF. CHECK IT OUT.
COME ON, NOW.
SEE, FOCUS UP, MAN! HERE
WE GO, HOME SKILLET. ACCIONE!
KICK IT! ♪♪
♪ IT'S LIKE... ♪
- UH, YEAH. UH...
- UH, OKAY. OH! ICE TRAY!
OH, MAN! AND THOSE THE
PUNKS THAT TIED ME UP.
GET 'EM! ALL RIGHT, YOU
TWO. FUN'S OVER. LET'S GO.
COME ON. COME ON. I'M
GONNA GET YOU SOME, MAN.
HEY! HEY! LISTEN TO
ME, MAN. COME ON!
TAKE IT OFF. HEY! HEY!
MAVERICK RECORDING ARTIST ME'SHELL
NDEGEOCELLO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
♪♪
YO, PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER.
YO, BIZ, WE GONNA
ROCK THE HOUSE.
YO, BOUND TO WRECK YOUR BODY AND
TURN THE PARTY UP. CHECK IT OUT, UH!
WHOO! GOT BIZ IN THE HOUSE.
I'M LIVE IN LIVING
COLOR. AIN'T THAT RIGHT?
♪ YOU SAY THAT'S YOUR
BOYFRIEND YOU SAY I'M OUTTA LINE ♪
♪ FUNNY, HE SAID I COULD
CALL HIM UP ANYTIME ♪
♪ YOU CAN CALL ME WRONG
SAY THAT I AIN'T RIGHT ♪
♪ BUT IF THAT'S YOU BOYFRIEND
HE WASN'T LAST NIGHT ♪
♪ I'M THE KIND OF WOMAN
I'LL DO ALMOST ANYTHING ♪
♪ TO GET WHAT YA WANT I
MIGHT PLAY ANY LITTLE GAME ♪
♪ CALL ME WHAT YOU LIKE
BUT YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE ♪
♪ YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS
'CAUSE HE WASN'T WITH YOU ♪
♪ DON'T MEAN NO HARM
JUST LIKE WHAT I SEE ♪
♪ AND IT AIN'T MY
FAULT IF HE WANTS ME ♪
♪ GOT WHAT I WANTED AND
THE FEELING WAS RIGHT ♪
♪ SO IF THAT'S YOUR BOYFRIEND
HE WASN'T LAST NIGHT ♪
- ♪ CHECK IT OUT, SING
BOYFRIEND, BOYFRIEND ♪
- ♪ BOYFRIEND, BOYFRIEND ♪
♪ YES, I HAD YOUR BOYFRIEND
♪ ♪ YES YO, I GET AROUND, UH ♪
♪ SAY, IF THAT'S YOUR BOYFRIEND HE WASN'T
LAST NIGHT ♪ ♪ BOYFRIEND, BOYFRIEND ♪
♪ YES, I HAD YOUR BOYFRIEND ♪
YO, ALL RIGHT, BIZ. HEY.
♪ IF THAT'S YOUR BOYFRIEND
IF THAT'S YOUR BOYFRIEND ♪
♪ IF THAT'S YOUR BOYFRIEND
HE WASN'T LAST NIGHT ♪
SO CRANK UP THE TRACK.
♪ YEAH, LATE AT NIGHT CALLS ME ON MY
TELEPHONE THAT'S WHY WHEN YOU CALL HIM ♪
♪ ALL YOU GET IS A BUSY, BUSY TONE
YOU'RE UPSET 'CAUSE YOU ONE ♪♪