In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 5, Episode 24 - Ace and Main Man Meet Salt n Pepa - full transcript
The Wayans siblings present an African-American focused sketch comedy show.
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
- ♪ TAKE IT FROM ME
IT'S A'IGHT TO BE ♪
- HI-YAH!
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ AND HOW WOULD YA... HOW
WOULD YA... HOW WOULD YA F... ♪
♪ HOW WOULD YOU FEEL KNOWING
PREJUDICE WAS OBSOLETE ♪
♪ AND ALL MANKIND
DANCED TO THE EXACT BEAT ♪
♪ AND AT NIGHT IT WAS SAFE
TO WALK DOWN THE STREET ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪
WELL, HOWDY-DOODY,
BOYS AND GIRLS.
AND WELCOME TO CANDY
CANE'S HAPPY TOP THEATER.
NOW GIVE A SUPERTY-DUPERTY
WELCOME FOR YOUR FRIEND, CANDY CANE.
HELLO, BOYS AND GIRLS.
TODAY IS A VERY SAD
DAY IN CANDYLAND.
THE DAY WHEN EVERYTHING
SWEET TURNS BITTER
AND ACRID LIKE THE
BREATH OF A DYING HORSE.
YOU SEE, THE PRESIDENT OF THE
NETWORK AND HIS JEALOUS BITCH WIFE,
HAVE DECIDED THAT THIS
WILL BE MY LAST SHOW.
YOU ALL SHUT UP! YOU'RE TRAITORS!
YOU'RE TRAITORS ONE AND ALL!
CANDY, WHAT THEY'RE DOIN' IS WRONG!
EVERYONE'S TRYING TO TAKE YOU AWAY FROM ME.
LOOK, KIDS! IT'S LARRY,
THE CREEPY STAGEHAND,
WHO WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR ME, BUT IS
STILL TOO CREEPY FOR ME TO SLEEP WITH.
DON'T YOU THINK, KIDS?
IT'S OKAY, LARRY. EVERYTHING
HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
CAN I HAVE A HUG,
CANDY, PLEASE? NO, LARRY.
LARRY, REMEMBER
THE WORD OF THE DAY?
"RESTRAINING ORDER." OH, YEAH.
SO, LARRY, YOU HAVE TO GO BACK OVER THERE
AND STAY 50 FEET AWAY FROM ME AT ALL TIMES.
OKAY.
SIT. HEEL. THE MORE YOU HURT
ME, THE MORE I LOVE YOU, CANDY.
NOW, KIDS, WE'RE GOING TO MEET
THE NICE LADY WHO'S PUSHING ME OUT...
AND KEEPING ME FROM
EVER SEEING YOU AGAIN.
PLEASE GIVE A WARM CANDY
CANE WELCOME TO CARAMEL CORN.
HI, BOYS AND GIRLS. WHEE!
WE'RE GONNA HAVE LOTS OF FUN
LEARNING ABOUT THE WORLD AROUND US,
AND IT'S AN
ADVENTURE CALLED LIFE!
CAN IT. YOU GOT THE JOB.
MY, CANDY SEEMS A LITTLE
GRUMPY-WUMPY TODAY.
SAY, WHAT CAN WE
DO TO CHEER HER UP?
MAYBE IF YOU WALKED IN
FRONT OF A BUSSY-WUSSY.
OKAY. WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S TIME TO MEET
ONE OF OUR FRIENDS!
OH, THAT'S RIGHT,
BOYS AND GIRLS.
♪♪
OH!
DOY DE DOY. DOY DE
DOY. DOY DE DOY, DE DOY.
DOY DE DOY. DOY DE
DOY. DOY DE DOY, DE DOY.
HIDEY, HIDEY, HIDEY,
HIDEY-HO THERE, CANDY.
HI, JACK-IN-THE-BOX.
THIS IS MY LAST SHOW, AND I THOUGHT YOU'D
LIKE TO MEET MY REPLACEMENT, CARAMEL CORN.
WOW, CANDY. YOU'RE LEAVIN'?
THAT MAKES ME SAD.
THIS AIN'T GONNA AFFECT
MY CONTRACT, IS IT?
NOT AS LONG AS YOU HAVE THAT
TAPE OF CANDY AND THE PRODUCER.
THAT'S RIGHT!
HEY, KIDS, CAN YOU ALL SAY, "CANDY
CAMPS HER CAN ON A CASTING COUCH?"
OOH.
I LIKE YOU, JACK. AND I LIKE
YOU, TOO, MISS CARAMEL CORN.
DON'T GET YOUR
HOPES UP, SWEETIE.
YOU HAVE TURN A FEW
CRANKS TO GET HIM TO POP UP.
YEAH. WELL, GEE, CANDY, YOU HAD SO MANY
G.I. JOES, TOMS AND HARRYS IN YOUR TOY BOX,
THE SPRING'S JUST
PLUMB WORN OUT.
HIDEY-HO. HEY!
CAN YOU SAY "HEAD
WOUND," BOYS AND GIRLS?
AND GUESS WHAT? I THINK IT'S TIME TO MEET
OUR SPECIAL FRIEND, BENNY THE DINOSAUR.
DAMN!
WELL, HELLO.
WHO'S YOUR FRIEND, CANDY?
WHY DON'T YOU INTRODUCE ME?
FINE. BENNY, THIS IS CARAMEL.
CARAMEL, THIS IS BENNY.
I BET YOU'RE A REAL TASTY
TREAT, AREN'T YOU, CARAMEL CORN?
HEY, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO
THE BENNY DANCE? OH, I'D LOVE TO!
WELL, IT'S ONLY GONNA TAKE TWO MINUTES,
AND THEN YOU GET TO GO MAKE HIM A SANDWICH.
♪♪ ♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪
YOU TWO-TIMING
REPTILE, YOU'RE MINE.
I STILL LOVE YOU,
BENNY! I STILL LOVE YOU!
EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND,
CARAMEL CORN. UH-HUH!
LOOK. WHAT DID I TELL YOU
ABOUT MESSIN' WITH ME, HUH?
I'M TIRED OF YOU SENDIN'
ME NAKED PICTURES OF YOU,
MAILIN' ME YOUR STANKY, FUNKY DRAWERS,
AND FOLLOWIN' ME AROUND ON MY DATES!
DRIVIN' AROUND IN A PINK GRANADA WITH THE
HEADLIGHTS ON, LIKE I DON'T KNOW IT'S YOU.
REMEMBER. THE RESTRAINING
ORDER WILL GET YOU.
NOW, WHERE WERE
WE, PRETTY LADY? OH!
I'M GONNA LIKE IT
HERE IN CANDYLAND.
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE GONE!
ALL YOUR FRIENDS ARE SO NICE.
WAIT! I ALMOST FORGOT. THERE'S ONE
VERY SPECIAL FRIEND YOU HAVEN'T MET.
OH? IT'S STAGEHAND LARRY.
HI, CANDY!
LARRY, THIS IS THE GIRL
THAT'S TRYING TO BREAK US UP.
BREAK US UP? OH,
I CAN'T HAVE THAT.
BYE-BYE, CARAMEL!
WHY, WHY, WHY?
BECAUSE WE LIKE YOU.
KIDS, IT LOOKS LIKE THIS ISN'T
CANDY'S LAST SHOW AFTER ALL.
YOU'LL BE WITH ME FOREVER
AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER!
FIFTY FEET, LARRY!
RESTRAINING ORDER.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK,
KIDS, AT CANDYLAND.
LET GO OF THE STICK,
DUKE. NOW, COME ON NOW.
WHOA, DUKE. THERE
YOU GO. SNIFF THE STICK.
YOU NEED TO TAKE IT EASY. I KNOW IT'S
SPRINGTIME, AND YOU'RE LOOKIN' FOR LOVE.
BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
YOU GOT TO PLAY IT COOL.
YOU UNDERSTAND? PLAY IT COOL.
DON'T WORRY. WE'LL FIND YOU A
LADY. LOOK AT YOU. HOW YOU DOIN'?
I'LL BE JOHN BROWN. YOU
GROVER'S BOY, AIN'T YA?
WELL, I'M NOT SUPPOSED
TO TALK TO STRANGERS.
I REMEMBER WHEN I SAW
YOU AT THE 1942 WORLD'S FAIR.
BOY, YOU SHOULD BE ABOUT 57
YEARS OLD NOW. YOUR GROWTH STUNT?
YOU BEEN SMOKIN'? NO.
YEAH, SURE YOU HAVE. YOU GOT
A NICE, RIGHT PRETTY DOG THERE.
WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THAT?
WELL, HALF IRISH SETTER, HALF...
HEY, WHAT'S YOUR DOG DOING?
WELL, SON, YOU GOTTA TEST
IT BEFORE... WELL, I MEAN, UH...
WELL, ACTUALLY, LET ME TELL YOU A
LITTLE STORY ABOUT THE BIRDS AND BEES.
YOUR DOG'S STIFF AND STUFF!
WELL, CAN YOU BLAME HIM, SON?
YOU'RE A SICK, SICK MAN.
LAND O'GOSHEN. DUKE, YOU'RE HORNIER
THAN A HOOKWORM IN THE DESERT.
COME TO ME NOW.
JUMP TO ME, DUKE.
JUMP TO ME. YOU
DON'T HEAR ME, DO YOU?
JUMP TO ME, DUKE.
I'LL BE JOHN BROWN.
COME ON UP HERE.
SON, I KNOW YOU'RE
LOOKIN' FOR LOVE,
BUT YOU GOTTA PUT A RAINCOAT ON AND
PROTECT YOURSELF, YOU UNDERSTAND?
WELL, I'LL BE JOHN BROWN IF
YOU AIN'T BURT AND ERNIE'S BOY.
ERNIE? OH, MY FATHER'S
NAME IS ERNIE BUT YOU KNOW...
I REMEMBER WHEN YOU
WAS FOUR YEARS OLD.
YOUR SISTER HIT YOU IN
THE HEAD WITH A TIRE IRON,
BUST YOUR HEAD WIDE OPEN, ROCK
CANDY COME SPILLIN' OUT YOUR HEAD.
LOOK LIKE NOW AND LATERS HAD SPILLED ALL
OVER THE FLOOR, BUT YOU LOOK GOOD NOW.
YOU LOOK REAL GOOD.
YOUR HEAD HAS MENDED BACK
AND EVERYTHING. THAT
SURE IS A PRETTY DOG.
WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THAT?
WHAT KIND OF DOG IS HE?
WHAT KIND OF DOG IS HE?
UH, IT'S A VERY SMALL ONE THAT DOESN'T
SEEM TO LIKE YOUR DOG. HIS NAME IS BUTCH.
BUTCH? I'LL BE JOHN BROWN.
YOU TRYIN' TO TURN DUKE OUT.
YOU BETTER LEAVE ON AWAY FROM HERE.
TRYIN' TO BE A FREAK. YOU BETTER GET ON.
YOUR DOG IS... AND
WHAT IF... NO, NO HE AIN'T.
HE AIN'T NO AC/DC LIKE YOU NOW.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, DUKE.
IT HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE.
THEY TRIED TO TRICK
ME DOWN THERE.
COME ON. OH! THERE
YOU GO. THERE YOU GO.
COME ON DOWN FROM THERE.
YOU AIN'T GONNA CATCH
THAT DANG SQUIRREL.
THERE YOU GO. THERE YOU GO. CALM
DOWN. CALM DOWN, DUKE. CALM DOWN.
I'LL BE HARRIET TUBMAN!
YOU MOOKIE WILSON'S
UNCLE, AIN'T YA?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW
MA'AM, BUT IF YOU SAY I AM.
I REMEMBER THE DAY YOUR
DADDY TOOK YOU FISHIN',
AND YOU GOT YOUR HEAD
CAUGHT UP IN THE MOTORBOAT.
OH, OH, THAT WATER TURNED A BRIGHT
RED, AND THE FISH WERE SO HAPPY.
IT LOOKED LIKE YOU GOT A NICE REPLACEMENT
HEAD THOUGH. IT LOOKS JUST NICE.
LOOK HERE. IS YOUR DOG
SEEIN' ANYBODY RIGHT NOW?
NO, SHE'S NOT.
AND, UH, LOOK,
SHE'S IN HEAT TOO.
OH, THAT'S GOOD. COME
ON, NOW, DUKE. LET'S
GO RUNNING LIKE A "TEA"
IN A "FLICK" FACTORY.
♪ I "FREAKTIFY" THE FUNK
I "FREAKTIFY" THE FUNK ♪
♪ I "FREAKTIFY" THE FUNK
'CAUSE I'M THE FUNK FREAKER ♪
♪ I "FREAKTIFY" THE FUNK
'CAUSE I'M THE FUNK FREAKER ♪
♪ I "FREAKTIFY" THE FUNK
'CAUSE I'M THE FUNK FREAKER ♪
♪ I "FREAKTIFY" THE FUNK
'CAUSE I'M THE FUNK FREAKER ♪
♪ I "FREAKTIFY" THE FUNK
'CAUSE I'M THE FUNK FREAKER ♪
♪ WE GOT SOME FLY FLY
GIRLS, BOSKO AND TEKNEEK ♪
♪ FREAKIN' A FUNK
FOR LAURIE-ANN ♪
♪ AND JOSSIE DO-SI-DO FLOWIN'
A BLOW FROM A PSYCHO ♪
♪ AND LISA, GOES DEEPER
'CAUSE WE NEED YOU ♪
♪ IT'S THE FLY FLOW
FREAKERS FREAKERS ♪
♪♪
WELCOME TO THE FAMILY DOZENS.
ALL THE WAY FROM THE
BLACK HILLS OF TENNESSEE,
LET'S WELCOME
THE TRAILER FAMILY...
CLEM, ELMER AND
DIXIE. COME ON DOWN!
MEET THE JENKINS FAMILY, T-DOG,
MALCOLM AND GRANDMA, READY FOR ACTION.
AND NOW, YOUR HOST
OF THE FAMILY DOZENS,
STU DUNFEY!
OH, MY GOODNESS.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
HELLO AND WELCOME
TO THE FAMILY DOZENS,
WHERE TALKING LIP
CAN MAKE YOU GRIP,
AND YOU'LL TAKE HOME THE
DOUGH IF YOUR GRANDMA'S A HO.
ALL RIGHTY, GENTLEMEN,
IT'S TIME TO PLAY THE FEUD.
OKAY.
WE SURVEYED 100 PEOPLE. TOP THREE
ANSWERS ON THE BOARD. HERE'S THE QUESTION.
"MAMA'S SO STUPID..."
YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID, SHE
TOOK TOILET PAPER TO A CRAP GAME.
THE NUMBER ONE ANSWER!
THE JENKINS FAMILY HAS CONTROL.
WHAT'LL IT BE
T-DOG? PASS OR PLAY?
I THINK WE WILL
PLAY, STU. ALL RIGHTY.
MALCOLM, TWO ANSWERS LEFT.
"YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID..." A'IGHT.
YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID,
SHE FLUNKED A URINE TEST.
GOOD ANSWER. GOOD
ANSWER. SURVEY SAYS...
THE NUMBER TWO ANSWER!
ALL RIGHTY, GRANDMA.
GIVE ME A KISS.
MMM. ALL RIGHTY.
ONE ANSWER LEFT.
LET ME REMIND YOU, IF
YOU ANSWER INCORRECTLY,
THE TRAILER FAMILY
HAS A CHANCE TO STEAL.
THE QUESTION IS, "YOUR MAMA'S
SO STUPID... ” COME ON, GRANDMA.
MAMA'S SO STUPID, SHE LIKES
TO QUILT WHEN IT'S COLD OUTSIDE.
DAMN, GRANNY.
SURVEY SAYS...
OH, IT'S INCORRECT.
AND THAT MEANS THE TRAILERS
HAVE A CHANCE TO STEAL.
HEY, STU, AIN'T
YOU GONNA KISS ME?
OH, NOT THAT I WOULDN'T LOVE TO,
BUT YOU'RE A LITTLE YOUNG, DIXIE.
OH, BUT I'M THE BEST KISSER
IN TOWN. DADDY SAYS SO!
UH-HUH. STILL A TAD TENDER.
HEY, STU, HOW 'BOUT ME? I'M
OLD ENOUGH. PUCKER UP, BUDDY.
HEY, UH...
A BEWITCHING OFFER, CLEM,
BUT I ONLY KISS THE LADY FOLK.
YOU GOT A REAL PRETTY MOUTH.
OKAY, I NEED AN ANSWER.
"YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID... ”
OKAY. YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID, SHE THINKS
A MOON PIE IS AN ASS WITH WHIP CREAM ON IT.
YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID, WHEN
WE TOLD HER TO SQUEAL LIKE A PIG,
SHE SAID, "MOO."
MOO! OKAY, CLEM, NEED AN ANSWER.
I-I'M GONNA SAY, YOUR
MAMA IS SO STUPID...
THAT, UH, SHE... SHE BOUGHT A BIRTHDAY
CARD FOR HER HUSBAND AND HER SON.
- WELL, WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
- WELL, THEY'RE
THE SAME DAMN PERSON, STU.
OKAY. A BIRTHDAY
CARD FOR SON/HUSBAND.
IF IT'S UP THERE, YOU WIN THE
POINTS, IF NOT, THE JENKINS KEEP IT.
SHOW ME "SON/HUSBAND."
OH, IT'S INCORRECT.
THE JENKINS WIN THE POT.
ALL RIGHT, GENTLEMEN.
IT'S TIME FOR ROUND TWO.
SO COME ON UP AND PLAY THE FEUD.
WE SURVEYED 100 PEOPLE. TOP THREE
ANSWERS ON THE BOARD. HERE'S THE QUESTION.
"MAMA'S SO BALD..."
YOUR MAMA'S SO BALD, YOU
CAN SEE WHAT'S ON HER MIND.
THE NUMBER ONE ANSWER!
I PUT A HEX ON YOU
AND YOUR CHILDREN...
AND YOUR CHILDREN'S CHILDREN.
I'M INSIDE YOU NOW, MAN.
OH, THOSE COUNTRY PEOPLE WITH
THEIR CHARMING COUNTRY WAYS.
ALL RIGHTY. MALCOLM HAS CONTROL.
HEY, MAN, WE GONNA
PLAY. WE GONNA PLAY.
OKAY. THE JENKINS FAMILY. OOPS.
T-DOG, I THINK IT'S YOUR GRANDMA'S TURN.
YEAH. WELL, GRANNY SUCKS
AT THIS GAME, SO WE SWITCHED.
WELL, I'M NOT SURE THAT'S LEGAL.
- YOU'RE NOT SURE WHAT'S LEGAL?
- BUT WHAT THE HECK?
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
"YOUR MAMA'S SO BALD..."
YOUR MAMA'S SO BALD, SHE PUT ON A
TURTLENECK AND LOOKED LIKE A BUSTED CONDOM.
STU. W-WHAT'S A CONDOM?
W-WHAT IS A CONDOM?
A CONDOM IS WHAT?
THAT'S WHERE
RICH FOLKS LIVE. OH.
SURVEY SAYS...
OH, IT'S THE NUMBER TWO ANSWER.
ALL RIGHTY, GRANDMA. ONE
ANSWER LEFT. "MAMA'S SO BALD..."
YO, YO, I GOT IT, STU. I GOT IT.
STEP OFF T-DOG. I CAME TO PLAY.
ALL RIGHT, GRANDMA.
YOU GIVE THAT ANSWER.
OKAY.
"MAMA'S SO BALD..."
YOUR MAMA'S SO BALD,
I TOLD UNCLE HAROLD
SHE SHOULD BUY A WIG,
BUT SHE DIDN'T LISTEN TO ME.
SHOW ME "TOLD UNCLE
HAROLD SHE SHOULD BUY A WIG."
OH, SORRY, GRANDMA.
NO HOLD ON THAT ONE, AND THAT MEANS
THE TRAILERS HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE TO STEAL.
OKAY, STU, YOUR MAMA'S SO BALD,
SHE'S AS BALD AS A CHINAMAN'S REAR END!
I THINK I'M GONNA GO
WITH "YOUR MAMA'S SO
BALD, SHE LOOKS LIKE A
FRESHLY-SHEARED SHEEP."
YOU KNOW HOW GOOD
FRESHLY-SHEARED SHEEP LOOK,
ALL PINK AND PRETTY AND THEY CAN'T
FIGHT YOU REAL GOOD OR NOTHING LIKE THAT.
TEHEE. LOOKS LIKE THEIR
GENE POOL COULD USE A FILTER.
IF IT'S UP THERE, YOU WIN THE
SCORE, IF NOT, THE JENKINS WIN.
SHOW ME "FRESHLY-SHEARED SHEEP."
OH, MY GOODNESS.
UNBELIEVABLE! ONE VOTE.
WE MUST'VE RUN THAT
SURVEY THROUGH MISSISSIPPI.
WELL, THAT MEANS WE'VE
GOT A TIE ON OUR HANDS,
AND THAT MEANS A PLAY-OFF
BETWEEN THE HEADS OF THE FAMILY.
CLEM, T-DOG, COME ON DOWN HERE.
YOU'LL BE COMPETING
HEAD-TO-HEAD FOR $10,000.
THERE'S A MINUTE ON
THE CLOCK. READY, GO.
YOUR MAMA'S SO SKINNY, SHE SWALLOWED
A MARBLE AND WAS NINE MONTHS PREGNANT.
YOUR MAMA'S SO UGLY, SHE COULDN'T
GET LUCKY AT A FAMILY REUNION.
YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT, SHE GOT
STRETCH MARKS ON HER CLOTHES.
H... H... WELL, YOUR MAMA'S SO
FAT, WE'RE INSIDE HER RIGHT NOW.
YOUR MAMA'S SO SMALL, SHE
CAN HANG GLIDE ON A DORITO.
YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID,
SHE... SHE'S STUPID.
YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID, SHE
WENT TO DR. DRE FOR A PAP SMEAR.
OH, MY GOODNESS.
AND IT LOOKS LIKE THE JENKINS
FAMILY ARE OUR WINNERS!
MALCOLM, GRANDMA, COME
ON DOWN. CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU'RE OUR WINNERS
TODAY ON THE FAMILY DOZENS.
ARE YOU TRYIN' TO TELL
ME WE DIDN'T WIN, STU?
WELL, THAT'S ALL THE
TIME WE HAVE FOR TONIGHT.
JOIN US NEXT TIME FOR
ANOTHER FAMILY DOZENS.
ARE YOU OKAY? CONGRATULATIONS.
HEY! THANKS FOR WATCHING!
WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT
WEEK ON... IN LIVING COLOR.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
- ♪ TAKE IT FROM ME
IT'S A'IGHT TO BE ♪
- HI-YAH!
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ AND HOW WOULD YA... HOW
WOULD YA... HOW WOULD YA F... ♪
♪ HOW WOULD YOU FEEL KNOWING
PREJUDICE WAS OBSOLETE ♪
♪ AND ALL MANKIND
DANCED TO THE EXACT BEAT ♪
♪ AND AT NIGHT IT WAS SAFE
TO WALK DOWN THE STREET ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪
WELL, HOWDY-DOODY,
BOYS AND GIRLS.
AND WELCOME TO CANDY
CANE'S HAPPY TOP THEATER.
NOW GIVE A SUPERTY-DUPERTY
WELCOME FOR YOUR FRIEND, CANDY CANE.
HELLO, BOYS AND GIRLS.
TODAY IS A VERY SAD
DAY IN CANDYLAND.
THE DAY WHEN EVERYTHING
SWEET TURNS BITTER
AND ACRID LIKE THE
BREATH OF A DYING HORSE.
YOU SEE, THE PRESIDENT OF THE
NETWORK AND HIS JEALOUS BITCH WIFE,
HAVE DECIDED THAT THIS
WILL BE MY LAST SHOW.
YOU ALL SHUT UP! YOU'RE TRAITORS!
YOU'RE TRAITORS ONE AND ALL!
CANDY, WHAT THEY'RE DOIN' IS WRONG!
EVERYONE'S TRYING TO TAKE YOU AWAY FROM ME.
LOOK, KIDS! IT'S LARRY,
THE CREEPY STAGEHAND,
WHO WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR ME, BUT IS
STILL TOO CREEPY FOR ME TO SLEEP WITH.
DON'T YOU THINK, KIDS?
IT'S OKAY, LARRY. EVERYTHING
HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
CAN I HAVE A HUG,
CANDY, PLEASE? NO, LARRY.
LARRY, REMEMBER
THE WORD OF THE DAY?
"RESTRAINING ORDER." OH, YEAH.
SO, LARRY, YOU HAVE TO GO BACK OVER THERE
AND STAY 50 FEET AWAY FROM ME AT ALL TIMES.
OKAY.
SIT. HEEL. THE MORE YOU HURT
ME, THE MORE I LOVE YOU, CANDY.
NOW, KIDS, WE'RE GOING TO MEET
THE NICE LADY WHO'S PUSHING ME OUT...
AND KEEPING ME FROM
EVER SEEING YOU AGAIN.
PLEASE GIVE A WARM CANDY
CANE WELCOME TO CARAMEL CORN.
HI, BOYS AND GIRLS. WHEE!
WE'RE GONNA HAVE LOTS OF FUN
LEARNING ABOUT THE WORLD AROUND US,
AND IT'S AN
ADVENTURE CALLED LIFE!
CAN IT. YOU GOT THE JOB.
MY, CANDY SEEMS A LITTLE
GRUMPY-WUMPY TODAY.
SAY, WHAT CAN WE
DO TO CHEER HER UP?
MAYBE IF YOU WALKED IN
FRONT OF A BUSSY-WUSSY.
OKAY. WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S TIME TO MEET
ONE OF OUR FRIENDS!
OH, THAT'S RIGHT,
BOYS AND GIRLS.
♪♪
OH!
DOY DE DOY. DOY DE
DOY. DOY DE DOY, DE DOY.
DOY DE DOY. DOY DE
DOY. DOY DE DOY, DE DOY.
HIDEY, HIDEY, HIDEY,
HIDEY-HO THERE, CANDY.
HI, JACK-IN-THE-BOX.
THIS IS MY LAST SHOW, AND I THOUGHT YOU'D
LIKE TO MEET MY REPLACEMENT, CARAMEL CORN.
WOW, CANDY. YOU'RE LEAVIN'?
THAT MAKES ME SAD.
THIS AIN'T GONNA AFFECT
MY CONTRACT, IS IT?
NOT AS LONG AS YOU HAVE THAT
TAPE OF CANDY AND THE PRODUCER.
THAT'S RIGHT!
HEY, KIDS, CAN YOU ALL SAY, "CANDY
CAMPS HER CAN ON A CASTING COUCH?"
OOH.
I LIKE YOU, JACK. AND I LIKE
YOU, TOO, MISS CARAMEL CORN.
DON'T GET YOUR
HOPES UP, SWEETIE.
YOU HAVE TURN A FEW
CRANKS TO GET HIM TO POP UP.
YEAH. WELL, GEE, CANDY, YOU HAD SO MANY
G.I. JOES, TOMS AND HARRYS IN YOUR TOY BOX,
THE SPRING'S JUST
PLUMB WORN OUT.
HIDEY-HO. HEY!
CAN YOU SAY "HEAD
WOUND," BOYS AND GIRLS?
AND GUESS WHAT? I THINK IT'S TIME TO MEET
OUR SPECIAL FRIEND, BENNY THE DINOSAUR.
DAMN!
WELL, HELLO.
WHO'S YOUR FRIEND, CANDY?
WHY DON'T YOU INTRODUCE ME?
FINE. BENNY, THIS IS CARAMEL.
CARAMEL, THIS IS BENNY.
I BET YOU'RE A REAL TASTY
TREAT, AREN'T YOU, CARAMEL CORN?
HEY, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO
THE BENNY DANCE? OH, I'D LOVE TO!
WELL, IT'S ONLY GONNA TAKE TWO MINUTES,
AND THEN YOU GET TO GO MAKE HIM A SANDWICH.
♪♪ ♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪
YOU TWO-TIMING
REPTILE, YOU'RE MINE.
I STILL LOVE YOU,
BENNY! I STILL LOVE YOU!
EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND,
CARAMEL CORN. UH-HUH!
LOOK. WHAT DID I TELL YOU
ABOUT MESSIN' WITH ME, HUH?
I'M TIRED OF YOU SENDIN'
ME NAKED PICTURES OF YOU,
MAILIN' ME YOUR STANKY, FUNKY DRAWERS,
AND FOLLOWIN' ME AROUND ON MY DATES!
DRIVIN' AROUND IN A PINK GRANADA WITH THE
HEADLIGHTS ON, LIKE I DON'T KNOW IT'S YOU.
REMEMBER. THE RESTRAINING
ORDER WILL GET YOU.
NOW, WHERE WERE
WE, PRETTY LADY? OH!
I'M GONNA LIKE IT
HERE IN CANDYLAND.
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE GONE!
ALL YOUR FRIENDS ARE SO NICE.
WAIT! I ALMOST FORGOT. THERE'S ONE
VERY SPECIAL FRIEND YOU HAVEN'T MET.
OH? IT'S STAGEHAND LARRY.
HI, CANDY!
LARRY, THIS IS THE GIRL
THAT'S TRYING TO BREAK US UP.
BREAK US UP? OH,
I CAN'T HAVE THAT.
BYE-BYE, CARAMEL!
WHY, WHY, WHY?
BECAUSE WE LIKE YOU.
KIDS, IT LOOKS LIKE THIS ISN'T
CANDY'S LAST SHOW AFTER ALL.
YOU'LL BE WITH ME FOREVER
AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER!
FIFTY FEET, LARRY!
RESTRAINING ORDER.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK,
KIDS, AT CANDYLAND.
LET GO OF THE STICK,
DUKE. NOW, COME ON NOW.
WHOA, DUKE. THERE
YOU GO. SNIFF THE STICK.
YOU NEED TO TAKE IT EASY. I KNOW IT'S
SPRINGTIME, AND YOU'RE LOOKIN' FOR LOVE.
BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
YOU GOT TO PLAY IT COOL.
YOU UNDERSTAND? PLAY IT COOL.
DON'T WORRY. WE'LL FIND YOU A
LADY. LOOK AT YOU. HOW YOU DOIN'?
I'LL BE JOHN BROWN. YOU
GROVER'S BOY, AIN'T YA?
WELL, I'M NOT SUPPOSED
TO TALK TO STRANGERS.
I REMEMBER WHEN I SAW
YOU AT THE 1942 WORLD'S FAIR.
BOY, YOU SHOULD BE ABOUT 57
YEARS OLD NOW. YOUR GROWTH STUNT?
YOU BEEN SMOKIN'? NO.
YEAH, SURE YOU HAVE. YOU GOT
A NICE, RIGHT PRETTY DOG THERE.
WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THAT?
WELL, HALF IRISH SETTER, HALF...
HEY, WHAT'S YOUR DOG DOING?
WELL, SON, YOU GOTTA TEST
IT BEFORE... WELL, I MEAN, UH...
WELL, ACTUALLY, LET ME TELL YOU A
LITTLE STORY ABOUT THE BIRDS AND BEES.
YOUR DOG'S STIFF AND STUFF!
WELL, CAN YOU BLAME HIM, SON?
YOU'RE A SICK, SICK MAN.
LAND O'GOSHEN. DUKE, YOU'RE HORNIER
THAN A HOOKWORM IN THE DESERT.
COME TO ME NOW.
JUMP TO ME, DUKE.
JUMP TO ME. YOU
DON'T HEAR ME, DO YOU?
JUMP TO ME, DUKE.
I'LL BE JOHN BROWN.
COME ON UP HERE.
SON, I KNOW YOU'RE
LOOKIN' FOR LOVE,
BUT YOU GOTTA PUT A RAINCOAT ON AND
PROTECT YOURSELF, YOU UNDERSTAND?
WELL, I'LL BE JOHN BROWN IF
YOU AIN'T BURT AND ERNIE'S BOY.
ERNIE? OH, MY FATHER'S
NAME IS ERNIE BUT YOU KNOW...
I REMEMBER WHEN YOU
WAS FOUR YEARS OLD.
YOUR SISTER HIT YOU IN
THE HEAD WITH A TIRE IRON,
BUST YOUR HEAD WIDE OPEN, ROCK
CANDY COME SPILLIN' OUT YOUR HEAD.
LOOK LIKE NOW AND LATERS HAD SPILLED ALL
OVER THE FLOOR, BUT YOU LOOK GOOD NOW.
YOU LOOK REAL GOOD.
YOUR HEAD HAS MENDED BACK
AND EVERYTHING. THAT
SURE IS A PRETTY DOG.
WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THAT?
WHAT KIND OF DOG IS HE?
WHAT KIND OF DOG IS HE?
UH, IT'S A VERY SMALL ONE THAT DOESN'T
SEEM TO LIKE YOUR DOG. HIS NAME IS BUTCH.
BUTCH? I'LL BE JOHN BROWN.
YOU TRYIN' TO TURN DUKE OUT.
YOU BETTER LEAVE ON AWAY FROM HERE.
TRYIN' TO BE A FREAK. YOU BETTER GET ON.
YOUR DOG IS... AND
WHAT IF... NO, NO HE AIN'T.
HE AIN'T NO AC/DC LIKE YOU NOW.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, DUKE.
IT HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE.
THEY TRIED TO TRICK
ME DOWN THERE.
COME ON. OH! THERE
YOU GO. THERE YOU GO.
COME ON DOWN FROM THERE.
YOU AIN'T GONNA CATCH
THAT DANG SQUIRREL.
THERE YOU GO. THERE YOU GO. CALM
DOWN. CALM DOWN, DUKE. CALM DOWN.
I'LL BE HARRIET TUBMAN!
YOU MOOKIE WILSON'S
UNCLE, AIN'T YA?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW
MA'AM, BUT IF YOU SAY I AM.
I REMEMBER THE DAY YOUR
DADDY TOOK YOU FISHIN',
AND YOU GOT YOUR HEAD
CAUGHT UP IN THE MOTORBOAT.
OH, OH, THAT WATER TURNED A BRIGHT
RED, AND THE FISH WERE SO HAPPY.
IT LOOKED LIKE YOU GOT A NICE REPLACEMENT
HEAD THOUGH. IT LOOKS JUST NICE.
LOOK HERE. IS YOUR DOG
SEEIN' ANYBODY RIGHT NOW?
NO, SHE'S NOT.
AND, UH, LOOK,
SHE'S IN HEAT TOO.
OH, THAT'S GOOD. COME
ON, NOW, DUKE. LET'S
GO RUNNING LIKE A "TEA"
IN A "FLICK" FACTORY.
♪ I "FREAKTIFY" THE FUNK
I "FREAKTIFY" THE FUNK ♪
♪ I "FREAKTIFY" THE FUNK
'CAUSE I'M THE FUNK FREAKER ♪
♪ I "FREAKTIFY" THE FUNK
'CAUSE I'M THE FUNK FREAKER ♪
♪ I "FREAKTIFY" THE FUNK
'CAUSE I'M THE FUNK FREAKER ♪
♪ I "FREAKTIFY" THE FUNK
'CAUSE I'M THE FUNK FREAKER ♪
♪ I "FREAKTIFY" THE FUNK
'CAUSE I'M THE FUNK FREAKER ♪
♪ WE GOT SOME FLY FLY
GIRLS, BOSKO AND TEKNEEK ♪
♪ FREAKIN' A FUNK
FOR LAURIE-ANN ♪
♪ AND JOSSIE DO-SI-DO FLOWIN'
A BLOW FROM A PSYCHO ♪
♪ AND LISA, GOES DEEPER
'CAUSE WE NEED YOU ♪
♪ IT'S THE FLY FLOW
FREAKERS FREAKERS ♪
♪♪
WELCOME TO THE FAMILY DOZENS.
ALL THE WAY FROM THE
BLACK HILLS OF TENNESSEE,
LET'S WELCOME
THE TRAILER FAMILY...
CLEM, ELMER AND
DIXIE. COME ON DOWN!
MEET THE JENKINS FAMILY, T-DOG,
MALCOLM AND GRANDMA, READY FOR ACTION.
AND NOW, YOUR HOST
OF THE FAMILY DOZENS,
STU DUNFEY!
OH, MY GOODNESS.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
HELLO AND WELCOME
TO THE FAMILY DOZENS,
WHERE TALKING LIP
CAN MAKE YOU GRIP,
AND YOU'LL TAKE HOME THE
DOUGH IF YOUR GRANDMA'S A HO.
ALL RIGHTY, GENTLEMEN,
IT'S TIME TO PLAY THE FEUD.
OKAY.
WE SURVEYED 100 PEOPLE. TOP THREE
ANSWERS ON THE BOARD. HERE'S THE QUESTION.
"MAMA'S SO STUPID..."
YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID, SHE
TOOK TOILET PAPER TO A CRAP GAME.
THE NUMBER ONE ANSWER!
THE JENKINS FAMILY HAS CONTROL.
WHAT'LL IT BE
T-DOG? PASS OR PLAY?
I THINK WE WILL
PLAY, STU. ALL RIGHTY.
MALCOLM, TWO ANSWERS LEFT.
"YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID..." A'IGHT.
YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID,
SHE FLUNKED A URINE TEST.
GOOD ANSWER. GOOD
ANSWER. SURVEY SAYS...
THE NUMBER TWO ANSWER!
ALL RIGHTY, GRANDMA.
GIVE ME A KISS.
MMM. ALL RIGHTY.
ONE ANSWER LEFT.
LET ME REMIND YOU, IF
YOU ANSWER INCORRECTLY,
THE TRAILER FAMILY
HAS A CHANCE TO STEAL.
THE QUESTION IS, "YOUR MAMA'S
SO STUPID... ” COME ON, GRANDMA.
MAMA'S SO STUPID, SHE LIKES
TO QUILT WHEN IT'S COLD OUTSIDE.
DAMN, GRANNY.
SURVEY SAYS...
OH, IT'S INCORRECT.
AND THAT MEANS THE TRAILERS
HAVE A CHANCE TO STEAL.
HEY, STU, AIN'T
YOU GONNA KISS ME?
OH, NOT THAT I WOULDN'T LOVE TO,
BUT YOU'RE A LITTLE YOUNG, DIXIE.
OH, BUT I'M THE BEST KISSER
IN TOWN. DADDY SAYS SO!
UH-HUH. STILL A TAD TENDER.
HEY, STU, HOW 'BOUT ME? I'M
OLD ENOUGH. PUCKER UP, BUDDY.
HEY, UH...
A BEWITCHING OFFER, CLEM,
BUT I ONLY KISS THE LADY FOLK.
YOU GOT A REAL PRETTY MOUTH.
OKAY, I NEED AN ANSWER.
"YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID... ”
OKAY. YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID, SHE THINKS
A MOON PIE IS AN ASS WITH WHIP CREAM ON IT.
YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID, WHEN
WE TOLD HER TO SQUEAL LIKE A PIG,
SHE SAID, "MOO."
MOO! OKAY, CLEM, NEED AN ANSWER.
I-I'M GONNA SAY, YOUR
MAMA IS SO STUPID...
THAT, UH, SHE... SHE BOUGHT A BIRTHDAY
CARD FOR HER HUSBAND AND HER SON.
- WELL, WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
- WELL, THEY'RE
THE SAME DAMN PERSON, STU.
OKAY. A BIRTHDAY
CARD FOR SON/HUSBAND.
IF IT'S UP THERE, YOU WIN THE
POINTS, IF NOT, THE JENKINS KEEP IT.
SHOW ME "SON/HUSBAND."
OH, IT'S INCORRECT.
THE JENKINS WIN THE POT.
ALL RIGHT, GENTLEMEN.
IT'S TIME FOR ROUND TWO.
SO COME ON UP AND PLAY THE FEUD.
WE SURVEYED 100 PEOPLE. TOP THREE
ANSWERS ON THE BOARD. HERE'S THE QUESTION.
"MAMA'S SO BALD..."
YOUR MAMA'S SO BALD, YOU
CAN SEE WHAT'S ON HER MIND.
THE NUMBER ONE ANSWER!
I PUT A HEX ON YOU
AND YOUR CHILDREN...
AND YOUR CHILDREN'S CHILDREN.
I'M INSIDE YOU NOW, MAN.
OH, THOSE COUNTRY PEOPLE WITH
THEIR CHARMING COUNTRY WAYS.
ALL RIGHTY. MALCOLM HAS CONTROL.
HEY, MAN, WE GONNA
PLAY. WE GONNA PLAY.
OKAY. THE JENKINS FAMILY. OOPS.
T-DOG, I THINK IT'S YOUR GRANDMA'S TURN.
YEAH. WELL, GRANNY SUCKS
AT THIS GAME, SO WE SWITCHED.
WELL, I'M NOT SURE THAT'S LEGAL.
- YOU'RE NOT SURE WHAT'S LEGAL?
- BUT WHAT THE HECK?
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
"YOUR MAMA'S SO BALD..."
YOUR MAMA'S SO BALD, SHE PUT ON A
TURTLENECK AND LOOKED LIKE A BUSTED CONDOM.
STU. W-WHAT'S A CONDOM?
W-WHAT IS A CONDOM?
A CONDOM IS WHAT?
THAT'S WHERE
RICH FOLKS LIVE. OH.
SURVEY SAYS...
OH, IT'S THE NUMBER TWO ANSWER.
ALL RIGHTY, GRANDMA. ONE
ANSWER LEFT. "MAMA'S SO BALD..."
YO, YO, I GOT IT, STU. I GOT IT.
STEP OFF T-DOG. I CAME TO PLAY.
ALL RIGHT, GRANDMA.
YOU GIVE THAT ANSWER.
OKAY.
"MAMA'S SO BALD..."
YOUR MAMA'S SO BALD,
I TOLD UNCLE HAROLD
SHE SHOULD BUY A WIG,
BUT SHE DIDN'T LISTEN TO ME.
SHOW ME "TOLD UNCLE
HAROLD SHE SHOULD BUY A WIG."
OH, SORRY, GRANDMA.
NO HOLD ON THAT ONE, AND THAT MEANS
THE TRAILERS HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE TO STEAL.
OKAY, STU, YOUR MAMA'S SO BALD,
SHE'S AS BALD AS A CHINAMAN'S REAR END!
I THINK I'M GONNA GO
WITH "YOUR MAMA'S SO
BALD, SHE LOOKS LIKE A
FRESHLY-SHEARED SHEEP."
YOU KNOW HOW GOOD
FRESHLY-SHEARED SHEEP LOOK,
ALL PINK AND PRETTY AND THEY CAN'T
FIGHT YOU REAL GOOD OR NOTHING LIKE THAT.
TEHEE. LOOKS LIKE THEIR
GENE POOL COULD USE A FILTER.
IF IT'S UP THERE, YOU WIN THE
SCORE, IF NOT, THE JENKINS WIN.
SHOW ME "FRESHLY-SHEARED SHEEP."
OH, MY GOODNESS.
UNBELIEVABLE! ONE VOTE.
WE MUST'VE RUN THAT
SURVEY THROUGH MISSISSIPPI.
WELL, THAT MEANS WE'VE
GOT A TIE ON OUR HANDS,
AND THAT MEANS A PLAY-OFF
BETWEEN THE HEADS OF THE FAMILY.
CLEM, T-DOG, COME ON DOWN HERE.
YOU'LL BE COMPETING
HEAD-TO-HEAD FOR $10,000.
THERE'S A MINUTE ON
THE CLOCK. READY, GO.
YOUR MAMA'S SO SKINNY, SHE SWALLOWED
A MARBLE AND WAS NINE MONTHS PREGNANT.
YOUR MAMA'S SO UGLY, SHE COULDN'T
GET LUCKY AT A FAMILY REUNION.
YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT, SHE GOT
STRETCH MARKS ON HER CLOTHES.
H... H... WELL, YOUR MAMA'S SO
FAT, WE'RE INSIDE HER RIGHT NOW.
YOUR MAMA'S SO SMALL, SHE
CAN HANG GLIDE ON A DORITO.
YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID,
SHE... SHE'S STUPID.
YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID, SHE
WENT TO DR. DRE FOR A PAP SMEAR.
OH, MY GOODNESS.
AND IT LOOKS LIKE THE JENKINS
FAMILY ARE OUR WINNERS!
MALCOLM, GRANDMA, COME
ON DOWN. CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU'RE OUR WINNERS
TODAY ON THE FAMILY DOZENS.
ARE YOU TRYIN' TO TELL
ME WE DIDN'T WIN, STU?
WELL, THAT'S ALL THE
TIME WE HAVE FOR TONIGHT.
JOIN US NEXT TIME FOR
ANOTHER FAMILY DOZENS.
ARE YOU OKAY? CONGRATULATIONS.
HEY! THANKS FOR WATCHING!
WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT
WEEK ON... IN LIVING COLOR.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪