In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 5, Episode 2 - The Dirty Dozens - full transcript
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
- ♪ TAKE IT FROM ME
IT'S A'IGHT TO BE ♪
- HI-YAH!
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ AND HOW WOULD YA... HOW
WOULD YA... HOW WOULD YA F... ♪
♪ HOW WOULD YOU FEEL KNOWING
PREJUDICE WAS OBSOLETE ♪
♪ AND ALL MANKIND
DANCED TO THE EXACT BEAT ♪
♪ AND AT NIGHT IT WAS SAFE
TO WALK DOWN THE STREET ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪
♪♪ THIS IS DIRTY DOZENS.
NOW ENTERING OUR STUDIO,
A VIDEO STORE CLERK FROM
HOUSTON'S FIFTH WARD...
AMFENY CLARK.
A BICYCLE MESSENGER
FROM UPTOWN NEW YORK...
T-DOG JENKINS.
AND A HOUSEWIFE FROM
CLEARWATER, FLORIDA...
KATIE CORELL.
AND NOW THE HOST
OF DIRTY DOZENS...
STU DUNFEY!
OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH. HELLO
AND WELCOME TO THE DIRTY DOZENS,
WHERE TALKIN' TRASH
CAN GET YOU CASH.
SO, IF YOU LISTEN,
YOU'LL HEAR SOME DISSIN'.
ALL RIGHTY. LET'S LOOK
AT OUR CATEGORIES.
YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID.
YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT.
YOUR MAMA'S SO OLD.
AND POT LUCK.
T-DOG, START US OFF.
I'LL TAKE YOUR MAMA'S SO
STUPID, UH, FOR A HUNDRED, STU.
ALL RIGHTY. YOUR
MAMA'S SO STUPID...
YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID, SHE JUMPED
OUT THE WINDOW, AND THE HO WENT UP.
YES.
T-DOG GETS A HUNDRED.
SO LET'S REVEAL THE FIRST
PIECE OF TONIGHT'S MYSTERY DIS.
CARE TO TAKE A GUESS, T-DOG?
UH, YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT, UH, THEY
HAD TO BAPTIZE HER AT SEA WORLD?
HOO, HOO, HOO.
NICE DIS, BUT NO.
YOU STILL HAVE CONTROL
OF THE BOARD, T-DOG.
I THINK I WILL STICK
WITH STUPID, STU.
AND STUPID YOU GET.
YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID...
UH, YEAH. YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID, IT
TAKES HER TWO HOURS TO WATCH 60 MINUTES.
CORRECT.
AMFENY IN THE HOUSE WITH 200.
- AMFENY, WHAT'LL IT BE?
- STUPID FOR 300.
OKAY. YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID...
YOUR MOTHER'S SO STUPID, SHE SCORED
BELOW AVERAGE ON A RECENT I.Q. TEST.
OOH.
NO. I'M SORRY. ANYBODY?
YEAH. YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID,
SHE ASKED FOR A PRICE
CHECK AT THE 99-CENT STORE.
YES.
NOW, THAT'S ONE STUPID MAMA.
AMFENY CONTROLS THE BOARD.
UH, STU, I'LL TAKE
POT LUCK FOR 100.
WILD CARD CATEGORY.
LET'S GET THE 411.
YOUR MAMA'S SO SHORT.
YOUR MAMA'S SO SHORT,
SHE POSES FOR TROPHIES.
CASTING ASPERSIONS ON YOUR
MAMA. WHAT'S NEXT, T-DOG?
I WILL STICK WITH POT
LUCK, FOR 200, STU.
AND THIS ONE IS... OOH.
YOUR MAMA'S SO STANK.
YOUR MAMA'S SO STANK, SHE'S
REALLY UNPLEASANT TO BE AROUND.
NO. UP FOR GRABS.
YOUR MAMA'S SO UGLY, WHEN SHE SITS
IN THE SAND, THE CAT TRIES TO BURY HER.
OH. JUDGES?
NO.
I'M SORRY. WE CAN'T ACCEPT THAT.
THE CATEGORY WAS MAMA'S SO STANK.
NOT MAMA'S SO UGLY. STANK.
BUT YOU STILL HAVE CONTROL
OF THE BOARD, AMFENY.
YEAH, UH, LET'S GO
TO FAT FOR A HUNDRED.
OKAY. YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT...
YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT,
SHE SAT ON A QUARTER...
AND SQUEEZED A BOOGER OUT
OF GEORGE WASHINGTON'S NOSE.
WHOOT. THERE IT IS.
I THINK I WILL STICK WITH YOUR
MAMA'S SO FAT, FOR 200, STU.
ALL RIGHTY. YOUR
MAMA'S SO FAT...
UH, YEAH. YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT,
WHEN SHE SITS AROUND THE HOUSE,
I MEAN SHE REALLY
SITS AROUND THE HOUSE.
I'M DOWN WITH THAT. PICK AGAIN.
UH, LET'S GO TO
POT LUCK FOR 300.
LAST IN THE CATEGORY.
YOUR MAMA'S SO NASTY.
YOUR MAMA'S SO
NASTY, THE PUNK BITCH...
ONLY CHANGES HER
STANKY, FUNKY DRAWERS...
EVERY 10,000 MILES.
WORD TO YOUR MAMA.
LOOKS LIKE KATIE'S
DOWN WITH O.P.P.
AND IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE
ON THE BOARD WITH 300.
KATIE... OH, BUT LOOK AT
THAT. WE'RE OUT OF TIME.
HEY, WE'LL HAVE TO REVEAL THE MISSING
PIECES AND HAVE A LOOK AT THE MYSTERY DIS.
THE CATEGORY
IS... MAMA'S SO FAT.
T-DOG.
UH. YOUR MAMA'S BUTT IS SO BIG,
IT LOOKS LIKE TWO PIGS
FIGHTIN' OVER A MILK DUD.
CORRECT! AND THAT
GIVES T-DOG THE GAME!
SO COME ON OVER FOR
THE LIGHTNING ROUND.
OH!
NICELY DONE, SIR. LET'S MEET...
LET'S MEET... YOUR CHALLENGER.
THE REIGNING FOUR-TIME
DIRTY DOZENS CHAMPION,
AND MY MAIN MAN... SCOTTY J.!
♪♪
AH, THE TERMINATOR IN THE HOUSE.
YOU BOTH KNOW THE RULES.
THIS IS THE LIGHTNING ROUND.
DOZENS FROM ANY
CATEGORY ARE ACCEPTED.
THE FIRST MAN TO
FLINCH IS ELIMINATED.
ALL RIGHT. ON YOUR
MARKS... AND GO.
YOUR MAMA GUMS IS SO
BLACK, SHE SPITS YOO-HOO.
OUCH.
YOUR MOTHER'S TEETH SO
ROTTEN, WHEN SHE SMILE,
IT LOOK LIKE SHE GOT
A MOUTHFUL OF DICE.
FRESH.
YOUR MOTHER'S SO OLD, WHEN
GOD SAID, "LET THERE BE LIGHT,"
SHE HIT THE SWITCH.
T-DOG. DOPE.
LIKE, YOUR MOTHER'S SO FAT,
SHE EATS BISCUITS LIKE TIC TACS.
FRESH.
COME ON. YOUR MAMA SO
BLACK, THE POLICE SHOT AT HER,
AND THE BULLETS CAME
BACK FOR FLASHLIGHTS.
WHAT'S UP? YOUR MOTHER GOT A
MOUTH IN THE BACK OF HER NECK.
THE WITCH CHEW
LIKE THIS. BACK TO YOU.
YOUR MAMA GOT A LEG RIGHT HERE,
RIGHT HERE, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT THERE.
THE WITCH WALK
LIKE THIS. PROPER.
YOUR MAMA'S SO
UGLY... YOUR MAMA UGLY!
MAMA SO UGLY, WHEN A PERSON
COME UP TO HER WITH A CAT...
AND THAT AIN'T THE CAT.
- FRESH.
- COME ON! COME ON! COME ON!
YOUR MAMA GOT A EAR RIGHT
HERE. SHE TALKIN' ABOUT...
I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT.
I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT.
TO YOU. WHAT'S UP?
♪♪
WOW.
FOLKS. FOLKS.
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
T-DOG IS OUR CHAMPION.
JOIN US TOMORROW FOR ANOTHER
EDITION OF THE DIRTY DOZENS.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
SOME CONTESTANTS ON THE
DIRTY DOZENS WILL RECEIVE...
DRY NOTION ANTIPERSPIRANT...
MADE FOR A MAN, BUT STRONG
ENOUGH FOR YOUR MAMA.
♪♪ ♪ ROCKS I DON'T
GOT 'CAUSE I WORK LAST ♪
♪ PLATINUM FRONTS,
MAN I JUST LET THAT PASS ♪
♪ GOT CASH, NOPE
BUT I WANT IT WHILE I ♪
♪ GOTTA PAY RENT
AND BILLS SO I TRY ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I HAVE TO PAY
FOR MINOR OR MAJOR ♪
♪ YEAH, I WANNA PLACE
MINE ON MY FAMES ♪
♪ I WANT TO CHILL IT GIVE
ME ALL THE DOUGH, YO ♪
♪ MY OWN HOUSE AND
FINANCIAL PORTFOLIO ♪
♪ OH, NO, THAT AIN'T
WHAT I NEED TO SURVIVE ♪
♪ A BROTHER GOTTA BE BAD
FOR A MOTHER TO THRIVE ♪
♪ EARLY IN THE MORNIN'
WITH THAT HALF-DAY'S FACE ♪
♪ SOMETHIN' WEIGHIN' ON MY MIND
WITH THAT NASTY TASTE IN MY MOUTH ♪
♪ KNOWIN' THAT I HAVE
NO LUCK GOT NO MONEY ♪
♪ NEED SOME GAS FOR
THIS BROKE-ASS TRUCK ♪♪
I HATE GOIN' TO THE BEACH,
'CAUSE I'M FLATTER THAN A
MICHAEL BOLTON HIGH NOTE.
OH. I USED TO HATE IT, TOO,
BEFORE I DISCOVERED THESE.
OKAY, SUN, DO YOUR THING.
LAURIE, YOU GOT BREAST IMPLANTS?
YOU KNOW HOW
DANGEROUS THOSE ARE?
OH, CALM DOWN, SERENA.
THEY'RE BALL PARK
BREAST IMPLANTS.
- BALL PARK BREAST IMPLANTS?
- YEAH. THEY PLUMP
WHEN YOU COOK 'EM.
JUST APPLY HEAT, AND OUT
THEY POP... TENDER, PERKY, JUICY.
AND THEY'RE GREAT BETWEEN A BUN.
SEE?
YEAH, BUT ARE THEY SAFE?
IS A HOT DOG SAFE? THERE'S
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
BALL PARK BREAST IMPLANTS ARE
MADE OF 100% NATURAL ANIMAL LIPS,
TONGUES, EARS AND ENTRAILS.
EXACTLY WHAT HOT
DOGS ARE MADE OUT OF.
YEAH, BUT WHAT IF YOU WANT
TO, YOU KNOW, TAKE THEM OUT?
OH, SERENA, THAT'S EASY.
ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS EAT THEM.
JUST MAKE SURE YOU
HEAT THEM THOROUGHLY.
AH!
- OH!
- THEY'RE STILL PLUMPING.
THIS IS AMAZING. MAYBE I SHOULD
GET BALL PARK IMPLANTS TOO.
WELL, IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU
MOVED UP FROM THE MINORS.
HEY, LADIES. GOT SOME
MUSTARD FOR THESE BUNS?
OOH!
NOW THAT I'VE GOT A
BALL PARK BUTT ENHANCER,
I CAN HANG WITH THE
HOMEBOYS ANYTIME.
HEY, ARSENIO! HOOH! HOOH! HOOH!
BETTER MOVE ON. YOU
ARE BLOCKIN' MY SUN.
BALL PARK BREAST IMPLANTS
AND BALL PARK BUTT ENHANCER.
AVAILABLE IN CHICKEN, TURKEY
AND NEW "LITE" VARIETIES.
THEY PLUMP WHEN YOU COOK 'EM.
♪♪
WELCOME TO THE FINAL
ROUND OF THE 12th ANNUAL...
AFRICAN-AMERICAN
REVIVAL COMPETITION.
HELLO. I'M HARV FIRESTONE, AND I'M HERE
WITH A MAN WHO HAS NO TROUBLE BEING HEARD.
OF COURSE, I'M TALKING ABOUT
COMMENTATOR JOHN "SUPER BOWL" MADDEN.
THANK YOU, HARV. TONIGHT, IN ADDITION
TO SOME EXCITING PERFORMANCES,
WE'RE GONNA GET SOME OF
THAT REAL GOOD PEACH COBBLER.
SISTER SADIE'S GONNA
BE SELLIN' IT DOWNSTAIRS
IN THE LOCKER ROOM
RIGHT AFTERWARDS.
SO LET'S MOVE ON, SHALL WE?
IT LOOKS LIKE OUR
JUDGES ARE IN PLACE.
LET'S GO TO THE COMPETITION.
OUR FIRST COMPETITOR IS A MEMBER OF
THAT GREATER MOUNT OLIVE ADULT CHOIR.
THAT'S A REAL GOOD
BUNCH THERE. AND WHEN YOU
HEAR "REVIVAL," YOU
JUST THINK OF ONE NAME...
MS. ROSETTA McKEE.
HOW RIGHT YOU ARE. IT'S ALWAYS
GOOD TO SEE MS. ROSETTA AGAIN.
I'M A VERY GOOD FRIEND OF HER
HUSBAND'S... A GREAT JAI ALAI PLAYER.
A TWO-TIME GOLD MEDALIST, SHE
CERTAINLY IS A FAVORITE HERE.
- MY LORD! MY LORD!
- MY LORD!
OH, MERCY! MERCY! MERCY! MERCY!
MERCY! OHH! MERCY!
MERCY! MERCY!
OH, MERCY! MERCY! MERCY! MERCY!
WELL, THAT'S INCREDIBLE.
THAT'S JUST SMASH-MOUTH.
THAT'S FLAT OUT. SHE BROUGHT
THE WHOLE LOAD THERE.
SHE GOES INTO WHAT THEY CALL
THE "STOMPIN' SAINT SHUFFLE."
BUT THAT VIBRATIN' MIGHT COST. LET'S
TAKE A LOOK AT THE INSTANT REPLAY.
SHE... BOOM! SHE NAILS
THE TRIPLE "MY LORD,"
BUT THEN SHE STARTS RUNNIN' INTO
A LITTLE INTERFERENCE RIGHT HERE...
WITH THE DOUBLE-REVERSE
"MERCY, MERCY."
RIGHT, HARV. STOP IT RIGHT
THERE. NOW, YOU SEE THAT?
SHE IS CLEARLY CABBAGE
PATCHING. DEFINITE VIOLATION.
THAT'S RIGHT. LET'S SEE IF THE
JUDGES ARE GONNA BE MERCIFUL.
OH! A 5.0.
OH! TOUGH BREAK
FOR SISTER ROSETTA.
NEXT UP IS A DEACONESS
FROM LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY...
MRS. DARLINE WHITTIKER.
NOW, TO ME, DARLINE HAS ALWAYS BEEN
THE REAL CLASS OF THE COMPETITION.
A WELL-KNOWN
AGNOSTIC. HO! HO! HO!
GLORY! GLORY! GLORY!
HI! BATTER, BATTER,
BATTER, BATTER, BATTER!
- DIGGETY-DIG! DIGGETY-DIG!
- I DON'T BELIEVE IT!
SHE'S TALKIN' IN
TONGUES, AND SHE'S DOWN!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
AMAZING. LOOK AT...
OH, AND SHE'S BACK UP!
WOO WOO WOO! NYUK, NYUK!
DOWN AGAIN. THEY'RE GONNA
HAVE TO GIVE HER AN EIGHT COUNT.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- LET'S SEE WHAT THE JUDGES SAY.
A 10, A 9.5.
ANOTHER 10. THAT
GIVES HER A 9.75.
NOW HERE'S THE REIGNING
CHAMPION... MS. SARAH MAE BROWN.
I TELL YOU, SARAH'S SUCH
A JOY TO BE AROUND...
'CAUSE SHE'S SO DOWN TO EARTH.
SHE'S LIKE A "'ROUND
THE WAY" BANSHEE GIRL.
SHE USED TO SPAR
WITH MIKE TYSON.
AND IS BIOLOGICALLY A MAN. A
LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THAT.
TWO-TIME GOLDEN GLOVE WINNER.
THIS IS HER FOURTH CONSECUTIVE
APPEARANCE AT THE SHOUTING OLYMPICS.
SHE'S JUST READY TO GO.
LET'S WATCH THE ACTION.
AS YOU SEE, THE SPIT BUCKET
FROM HER YEARS IN THE RING.
IN THE OLD DAYS, SHE WOULD'VE SPIT RIGHT
ON THE FLOOR, BUT TIMES HAVE CHANGED.
SHE'S OFF AND RUNNING. SPEAKING OF
RUNNING, SHE JUST LEFT THE AUDITORIUM.
HERE SHE COMES.
OH! SHE LOST HER WIG.
I THINK SHE'S GONNA PULL
IT OFF. OH, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
PRAISE HIM! PRAISE THE LORD!
YES, O MIGHTY! OH,
SHE'S NOT DONE YET.
MIGHTY! MIGHTY! MIGHTY! MIGHTY! SARAH SAID
THAT HER COMPETITION BETTER BE HERE TODAY.
THERE SHE GOES
WITH THE SOFT SHOE.
A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T KNOW
SHE WAS IN THE CHORUS...
OF THE ORIGINAL
PRODUCTION OF THE WIZ.
NOW, LORD!
MS. SARAH MAE BROWN, FOLKS.
MS. SARAH MAE BROWN
BRINGS IT ON HOME...
WITH A SPECTACULAR
"GONE TO GLORY" GAINER.
AND, YOU KNOW, JOHN,
THE ONLY THING WRONG...
WITH DOING A WONDERFUL ROUTINE
LIKE THIS IS YOU CAN ONLY DO IT ONCE.
RIGHT YOU ARE, HARV.
THIS IS HAS BEEN INCREDIBLE.
SHE HAD THE HOLY SPIRIT
SHOOTIN' OUT OF HER EARS.
THE FIRE, THE BRIMSTONE... BOOM,
BANG... FLYIN' ALL OVER THE PLACE.
THIS IS THE BEST THING I'VE
SEEN SINCE DAVID MET GOLIATH.
THERE YOU HAVE IT, FOLKS. THIS IS HARV
FIRESTONE WITH JOHN MADDEN SAYING...
STAY TUNED FOR HEAVYWEIGHT COLLECTION
PLATE LIFTING AND SYNCHRONIZED BAPTISMS.
GOOD NIGHT AND HAPPY TO YOU.
THIS MUST HAVE BEEN
ONE HELL OF A FIRE.
MAN, I CAN'T TELL IF THOSE
ARE HIS LUNGS OR BEEF JERKY.
WE'VE LOST HIM.
4:16 P.M.
NURSE, CALL THE CORONER.
DON'T TOUCH THAT DIAL,
MARY TYLER MORGUE.
IT'S A ZOMBIE!
NOT QUITE, SON, BUT I DO
APPRECIATE THE HAITIAN CULTURE.
I AM FIRE MARSHAL BILL BURNS,
AND NOBODY LIKES A QUITTER.
SCALPEL. SCALPEL.
♪ HAPPY ENTRAILS TO YOU ♪
RIB SPREADER. RIB SPREADER.
OH!
AH. OH!
SO THAT'S WHERE
MY TV CLICKER WENT.
STAPLE GUN! STAPLE GUN!
BAND-AID WITH COLORFUL
FLINTSTONE CHARACTERS. BAND-AID.
VOILÀ. THANKSGIVING AT
JEFFREY DAHMER'S HOUSE.
BOY, THIS HOSPITAL IS AN
ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN.
LET ME SHOW YA SOMETHIN'!
WHAT THE HELL ARE
YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
SAY YOU'VE GOT BEN
VEREEN ON THE TABLE.
HE'S BEEN ON THE HIGHWAY PLAYING
CHICKEN GEORGE WITH A WINNEBAGO.
YOU'RE TRYING TO PUT THE
PUZZLE BACK TOGETHER AGAIN,
WHEN SOMEBODY SAYS, "HEY, LOOK.
THERE'S WHOOPI GOLDBERG WITH A BLACK GUY."
YOU SPIN AROUND TO GET A GANDER,
WHEN YOU ACCIDENTALLY KNOCK
OPEN THE VALVE ON THIS GAS.
LIKE SO.
NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOU'RE
DENNIS HOPPER FROM BLUE VELVET.
DON'T LOOK AT ME.
DON'T YOU LOOK AT ME!
YOU'RE GROOVY. YOU'RE HAPPENIN'.
YOU'RE OUTTA SIGHT, DADDY-O.
YOU ARE STARDUST. YOU ARE GOLDEN.
THEN THE TELEPHONE
RINGS, AND YOU
ACCIDENTALLY ANSWER
THE HEART ZAPPER INSTEAD.
BOY, THIS NEW SPRINT
LINE IS REALLY... CLEAR!
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON
DRUGS. ANY QUESTIONS?
NOW, JUST FOR THE
SAKE OF ARGUMENT,
LET'S JUST SAY...
A BARRACUDA HAS BEEN
SNACKIN' ON YOUR PATIENT'S LEG.
THIS IS NO BOATING ACCIDENT.
THIS LEG IS MORE MESSED UP THAN A
CHILD ACTOR ON DIFF'RENT STROKES.
WHAT TIME IS IT?
AMPUTATION TIME!
YOU PUT YOUR LEG UP HERE
TO GET A LITTLE LEVERAGE,
WHEN SOME WACKY RESIDENT DECIDES TO
PLAY JEDI KNIGHT WITH A SURGICAL LASER.
LOOK OUT.
♪ I KNOWS A SECRET ♪
HEY, FELLA. WATCH IT.
YOU CAN TAKE SOMEBODY'S
EYE OUT WITH THAT THING.
OH, YEAH!
YOU REACH IN FOR THE GUY'S LEG LIKE
RAY CHARLES LOOKIN' FOR THE UH-HUH GIRLS.
NEXT THING YOU KNOW...
OH!
I THINK I JUST HIT MARROW.
THERE WE GO.
BOY, THEY'RE RIGHT.
IT DOES FEEL LIKE
IT'S STILL THERE.
OH, MY GOD. GET A
TRAUMA UNIT IN HERE.
♪ DON'T CRY FOR
ME IKE AND TINA ♪
♪ IT'S YOU WHO IS
IN GRAVE DANGER ♪♪
♪ LET ME SHOW YA SHOW YA
SOMETHIN' SHOW YA SOMETHIN' ♪
♪ LET ME SHOW YA SHOW
YA SOME-OM-THIN' ♪♪
NOW.
LET'S SAY YOU'VE
GOT A PATIENT...
WHOSE BOWELS HAVEN'T MOVED
SINCE MICHAEL JACKSON HAD LIPS.
SO YOU JUST PRESCRIBE
HIM A LITTLE ENEMA.
SIR, ENEMAS, THOUGH THE SUBJECT OF
TASTELESS HUMOR, ARE PERFECTLY SAFE.
NOT IF YOU ACCIDENTALLY REPLACE THE
WARM, SOAPY LIQUID WITH HIGHLY VOLATILE...
NITROGLYCERIN.
WHY WOULD I DO THAT? MAYBE
YOU'RE ALL OUT OF SNAPPLE, SON.
OH, NURSE.
WOULD YOU PULL
MY FINGER? NO! NO!
OKAY.
NOW A SCENE FROM BACKDRAFT.
MY CHILDREN WERE
BORN IN THAT HOSPITAL.
THE DESPERATE CRIES OF THE SICK
AND INJURED WILL NOW GO UNANSWERED.
OH, WELL. I GUESS I'M
JUST A SPLASH IN THE PAN.
♪ LET ME SHOW YA SHOW YA
SOMETHIN' SHOW YA SOMETHIN' ♪
♪ LET ME SHOW YA SHOW
YA SOME-OM-THIN' ♪♪
♪♪ HEY, HEY, HEY! YO!
THAT'S THE WAY WE GO. THAT'S IT
FOR TONIGHT. THANKS FOR HANGIN'.
WE'LL SEE YA. PEACE!
♪♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
- ♪ TAKE IT FROM ME
IT'S A'IGHT TO BE ♪
- HI-YAH!
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ AND HOW WOULD YA... HOW
WOULD YA... HOW WOULD YA F... ♪
♪ HOW WOULD YOU FEEL KNOWING
PREJUDICE WAS OBSOLETE ♪
♪ AND ALL MANKIND
DANCED TO THE EXACT BEAT ♪
♪ AND AT NIGHT IT WAS SAFE
TO WALK DOWN THE STREET ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪
♪♪ THIS IS DIRTY DOZENS.
NOW ENTERING OUR STUDIO,
A VIDEO STORE CLERK FROM
HOUSTON'S FIFTH WARD...
AMFENY CLARK.
A BICYCLE MESSENGER
FROM UPTOWN NEW YORK...
T-DOG JENKINS.
AND A HOUSEWIFE FROM
CLEARWATER, FLORIDA...
KATIE CORELL.
AND NOW THE HOST
OF DIRTY DOZENS...
STU DUNFEY!
OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH. HELLO
AND WELCOME TO THE DIRTY DOZENS,
WHERE TALKIN' TRASH
CAN GET YOU CASH.
SO, IF YOU LISTEN,
YOU'LL HEAR SOME DISSIN'.
ALL RIGHTY. LET'S LOOK
AT OUR CATEGORIES.
YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID.
YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT.
YOUR MAMA'S SO OLD.
AND POT LUCK.
T-DOG, START US OFF.
I'LL TAKE YOUR MAMA'S SO
STUPID, UH, FOR A HUNDRED, STU.
ALL RIGHTY. YOUR
MAMA'S SO STUPID...
YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID, SHE JUMPED
OUT THE WINDOW, AND THE HO WENT UP.
YES.
T-DOG GETS A HUNDRED.
SO LET'S REVEAL THE FIRST
PIECE OF TONIGHT'S MYSTERY DIS.
CARE TO TAKE A GUESS, T-DOG?
UH, YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT, UH, THEY
HAD TO BAPTIZE HER AT SEA WORLD?
HOO, HOO, HOO.
NICE DIS, BUT NO.
YOU STILL HAVE CONTROL
OF THE BOARD, T-DOG.
I THINK I WILL STICK
WITH STUPID, STU.
AND STUPID YOU GET.
YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID...
UH, YEAH. YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID, IT
TAKES HER TWO HOURS TO WATCH 60 MINUTES.
CORRECT.
AMFENY IN THE HOUSE WITH 200.
- AMFENY, WHAT'LL IT BE?
- STUPID FOR 300.
OKAY. YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID...
YOUR MOTHER'S SO STUPID, SHE SCORED
BELOW AVERAGE ON A RECENT I.Q. TEST.
OOH.
NO. I'M SORRY. ANYBODY?
YEAH. YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID,
SHE ASKED FOR A PRICE
CHECK AT THE 99-CENT STORE.
YES.
NOW, THAT'S ONE STUPID MAMA.
AMFENY CONTROLS THE BOARD.
UH, STU, I'LL TAKE
POT LUCK FOR 100.
WILD CARD CATEGORY.
LET'S GET THE 411.
YOUR MAMA'S SO SHORT.
YOUR MAMA'S SO SHORT,
SHE POSES FOR TROPHIES.
CASTING ASPERSIONS ON YOUR
MAMA. WHAT'S NEXT, T-DOG?
I WILL STICK WITH POT
LUCK, FOR 200, STU.
AND THIS ONE IS... OOH.
YOUR MAMA'S SO STANK.
YOUR MAMA'S SO STANK, SHE'S
REALLY UNPLEASANT TO BE AROUND.
NO. UP FOR GRABS.
YOUR MAMA'S SO UGLY, WHEN SHE SITS
IN THE SAND, THE CAT TRIES TO BURY HER.
OH. JUDGES?
NO.
I'M SORRY. WE CAN'T ACCEPT THAT.
THE CATEGORY WAS MAMA'S SO STANK.
NOT MAMA'S SO UGLY. STANK.
BUT YOU STILL HAVE CONTROL
OF THE BOARD, AMFENY.
YEAH, UH, LET'S GO
TO FAT FOR A HUNDRED.
OKAY. YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT...
YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT,
SHE SAT ON A QUARTER...
AND SQUEEZED A BOOGER OUT
OF GEORGE WASHINGTON'S NOSE.
WHOOT. THERE IT IS.
I THINK I WILL STICK WITH YOUR
MAMA'S SO FAT, FOR 200, STU.
ALL RIGHTY. YOUR
MAMA'S SO FAT...
UH, YEAH. YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT,
WHEN SHE SITS AROUND THE HOUSE,
I MEAN SHE REALLY
SITS AROUND THE HOUSE.
I'M DOWN WITH THAT. PICK AGAIN.
UH, LET'S GO TO
POT LUCK FOR 300.
LAST IN THE CATEGORY.
YOUR MAMA'S SO NASTY.
YOUR MAMA'S SO
NASTY, THE PUNK BITCH...
ONLY CHANGES HER
STANKY, FUNKY DRAWERS...
EVERY 10,000 MILES.
WORD TO YOUR MAMA.
LOOKS LIKE KATIE'S
DOWN WITH O.P.P.
AND IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE
ON THE BOARD WITH 300.
KATIE... OH, BUT LOOK AT
THAT. WE'RE OUT OF TIME.
HEY, WE'LL HAVE TO REVEAL THE MISSING
PIECES AND HAVE A LOOK AT THE MYSTERY DIS.
THE CATEGORY
IS... MAMA'S SO FAT.
T-DOG.
UH. YOUR MAMA'S BUTT IS SO BIG,
IT LOOKS LIKE TWO PIGS
FIGHTIN' OVER A MILK DUD.
CORRECT! AND THAT
GIVES T-DOG THE GAME!
SO COME ON OVER FOR
THE LIGHTNING ROUND.
OH!
NICELY DONE, SIR. LET'S MEET...
LET'S MEET... YOUR CHALLENGER.
THE REIGNING FOUR-TIME
DIRTY DOZENS CHAMPION,
AND MY MAIN MAN... SCOTTY J.!
♪♪
AH, THE TERMINATOR IN THE HOUSE.
YOU BOTH KNOW THE RULES.
THIS IS THE LIGHTNING ROUND.
DOZENS FROM ANY
CATEGORY ARE ACCEPTED.
THE FIRST MAN TO
FLINCH IS ELIMINATED.
ALL RIGHT. ON YOUR
MARKS... AND GO.
YOUR MAMA GUMS IS SO
BLACK, SHE SPITS YOO-HOO.
OUCH.
YOUR MOTHER'S TEETH SO
ROTTEN, WHEN SHE SMILE,
IT LOOK LIKE SHE GOT
A MOUTHFUL OF DICE.
FRESH.
YOUR MOTHER'S SO OLD, WHEN
GOD SAID, "LET THERE BE LIGHT,"
SHE HIT THE SWITCH.
T-DOG. DOPE.
LIKE, YOUR MOTHER'S SO FAT,
SHE EATS BISCUITS LIKE TIC TACS.
FRESH.
COME ON. YOUR MAMA SO
BLACK, THE POLICE SHOT AT HER,
AND THE BULLETS CAME
BACK FOR FLASHLIGHTS.
WHAT'S UP? YOUR MOTHER GOT A
MOUTH IN THE BACK OF HER NECK.
THE WITCH CHEW
LIKE THIS. BACK TO YOU.
YOUR MAMA GOT A LEG RIGHT HERE,
RIGHT HERE, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT THERE.
THE WITCH WALK
LIKE THIS. PROPER.
YOUR MAMA'S SO
UGLY... YOUR MAMA UGLY!
MAMA SO UGLY, WHEN A PERSON
COME UP TO HER WITH A CAT...
AND THAT AIN'T THE CAT.
- FRESH.
- COME ON! COME ON! COME ON!
YOUR MAMA GOT A EAR RIGHT
HERE. SHE TALKIN' ABOUT...
I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT.
I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT.
TO YOU. WHAT'S UP?
♪♪
WOW.
FOLKS. FOLKS.
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
T-DOG IS OUR CHAMPION.
JOIN US TOMORROW FOR ANOTHER
EDITION OF THE DIRTY DOZENS.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
SOME CONTESTANTS ON THE
DIRTY DOZENS WILL RECEIVE...
DRY NOTION ANTIPERSPIRANT...
MADE FOR A MAN, BUT STRONG
ENOUGH FOR YOUR MAMA.
♪♪ ♪ ROCKS I DON'T
GOT 'CAUSE I WORK LAST ♪
♪ PLATINUM FRONTS,
MAN I JUST LET THAT PASS ♪
♪ GOT CASH, NOPE
BUT I WANT IT WHILE I ♪
♪ GOTTA PAY RENT
AND BILLS SO I TRY ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I HAVE TO PAY
FOR MINOR OR MAJOR ♪
♪ YEAH, I WANNA PLACE
MINE ON MY FAMES ♪
♪ I WANT TO CHILL IT GIVE
ME ALL THE DOUGH, YO ♪
♪ MY OWN HOUSE AND
FINANCIAL PORTFOLIO ♪
♪ OH, NO, THAT AIN'T
WHAT I NEED TO SURVIVE ♪
♪ A BROTHER GOTTA BE BAD
FOR A MOTHER TO THRIVE ♪
♪ EARLY IN THE MORNIN'
WITH THAT HALF-DAY'S FACE ♪
♪ SOMETHIN' WEIGHIN' ON MY MIND
WITH THAT NASTY TASTE IN MY MOUTH ♪
♪ KNOWIN' THAT I HAVE
NO LUCK GOT NO MONEY ♪
♪ NEED SOME GAS FOR
THIS BROKE-ASS TRUCK ♪♪
I HATE GOIN' TO THE BEACH,
'CAUSE I'M FLATTER THAN A
MICHAEL BOLTON HIGH NOTE.
OH. I USED TO HATE IT, TOO,
BEFORE I DISCOVERED THESE.
OKAY, SUN, DO YOUR THING.
LAURIE, YOU GOT BREAST IMPLANTS?
YOU KNOW HOW
DANGEROUS THOSE ARE?
OH, CALM DOWN, SERENA.
THEY'RE BALL PARK
BREAST IMPLANTS.
- BALL PARK BREAST IMPLANTS?
- YEAH. THEY PLUMP
WHEN YOU COOK 'EM.
JUST APPLY HEAT, AND OUT
THEY POP... TENDER, PERKY, JUICY.
AND THEY'RE GREAT BETWEEN A BUN.
SEE?
YEAH, BUT ARE THEY SAFE?
IS A HOT DOG SAFE? THERE'S
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
BALL PARK BREAST IMPLANTS ARE
MADE OF 100% NATURAL ANIMAL LIPS,
TONGUES, EARS AND ENTRAILS.
EXACTLY WHAT HOT
DOGS ARE MADE OUT OF.
YEAH, BUT WHAT IF YOU WANT
TO, YOU KNOW, TAKE THEM OUT?
OH, SERENA, THAT'S EASY.
ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS EAT THEM.
JUST MAKE SURE YOU
HEAT THEM THOROUGHLY.
AH!
- OH!
- THEY'RE STILL PLUMPING.
THIS IS AMAZING. MAYBE I SHOULD
GET BALL PARK IMPLANTS TOO.
WELL, IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU
MOVED UP FROM THE MINORS.
HEY, LADIES. GOT SOME
MUSTARD FOR THESE BUNS?
OOH!
NOW THAT I'VE GOT A
BALL PARK BUTT ENHANCER,
I CAN HANG WITH THE
HOMEBOYS ANYTIME.
HEY, ARSENIO! HOOH! HOOH! HOOH!
BETTER MOVE ON. YOU
ARE BLOCKIN' MY SUN.
BALL PARK BREAST IMPLANTS
AND BALL PARK BUTT ENHANCER.
AVAILABLE IN CHICKEN, TURKEY
AND NEW "LITE" VARIETIES.
THEY PLUMP WHEN YOU COOK 'EM.
♪♪
WELCOME TO THE FINAL
ROUND OF THE 12th ANNUAL...
AFRICAN-AMERICAN
REVIVAL COMPETITION.
HELLO. I'M HARV FIRESTONE, AND I'M HERE
WITH A MAN WHO HAS NO TROUBLE BEING HEARD.
OF COURSE, I'M TALKING ABOUT
COMMENTATOR JOHN "SUPER BOWL" MADDEN.
THANK YOU, HARV. TONIGHT, IN ADDITION
TO SOME EXCITING PERFORMANCES,
WE'RE GONNA GET SOME OF
THAT REAL GOOD PEACH COBBLER.
SISTER SADIE'S GONNA
BE SELLIN' IT DOWNSTAIRS
IN THE LOCKER ROOM
RIGHT AFTERWARDS.
SO LET'S MOVE ON, SHALL WE?
IT LOOKS LIKE OUR
JUDGES ARE IN PLACE.
LET'S GO TO THE COMPETITION.
OUR FIRST COMPETITOR IS A MEMBER OF
THAT GREATER MOUNT OLIVE ADULT CHOIR.
THAT'S A REAL GOOD
BUNCH THERE. AND WHEN YOU
HEAR "REVIVAL," YOU
JUST THINK OF ONE NAME...
MS. ROSETTA McKEE.
HOW RIGHT YOU ARE. IT'S ALWAYS
GOOD TO SEE MS. ROSETTA AGAIN.
I'M A VERY GOOD FRIEND OF HER
HUSBAND'S... A GREAT JAI ALAI PLAYER.
A TWO-TIME GOLD MEDALIST, SHE
CERTAINLY IS A FAVORITE HERE.
- MY LORD! MY LORD!
- MY LORD!
OH, MERCY! MERCY! MERCY! MERCY!
MERCY! OHH! MERCY!
MERCY! MERCY!
OH, MERCY! MERCY! MERCY! MERCY!
WELL, THAT'S INCREDIBLE.
THAT'S JUST SMASH-MOUTH.
THAT'S FLAT OUT. SHE BROUGHT
THE WHOLE LOAD THERE.
SHE GOES INTO WHAT THEY CALL
THE "STOMPIN' SAINT SHUFFLE."
BUT THAT VIBRATIN' MIGHT COST. LET'S
TAKE A LOOK AT THE INSTANT REPLAY.
SHE... BOOM! SHE NAILS
THE TRIPLE "MY LORD,"
BUT THEN SHE STARTS RUNNIN' INTO
A LITTLE INTERFERENCE RIGHT HERE...
WITH THE DOUBLE-REVERSE
"MERCY, MERCY."
RIGHT, HARV. STOP IT RIGHT
THERE. NOW, YOU SEE THAT?
SHE IS CLEARLY CABBAGE
PATCHING. DEFINITE VIOLATION.
THAT'S RIGHT. LET'S SEE IF THE
JUDGES ARE GONNA BE MERCIFUL.
OH! A 5.0.
OH! TOUGH BREAK
FOR SISTER ROSETTA.
NEXT UP IS A DEACONESS
FROM LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY...
MRS. DARLINE WHITTIKER.
NOW, TO ME, DARLINE HAS ALWAYS BEEN
THE REAL CLASS OF THE COMPETITION.
A WELL-KNOWN
AGNOSTIC. HO! HO! HO!
GLORY! GLORY! GLORY!
HI! BATTER, BATTER,
BATTER, BATTER, BATTER!
- DIGGETY-DIG! DIGGETY-DIG!
- I DON'T BELIEVE IT!
SHE'S TALKIN' IN
TONGUES, AND SHE'S DOWN!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
AMAZING. LOOK AT...
OH, AND SHE'S BACK UP!
WOO WOO WOO! NYUK, NYUK!
DOWN AGAIN. THEY'RE GONNA
HAVE TO GIVE HER AN EIGHT COUNT.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- LET'S SEE WHAT THE JUDGES SAY.
A 10, A 9.5.
ANOTHER 10. THAT
GIVES HER A 9.75.
NOW HERE'S THE REIGNING
CHAMPION... MS. SARAH MAE BROWN.
I TELL YOU, SARAH'S SUCH
A JOY TO BE AROUND...
'CAUSE SHE'S SO DOWN TO EARTH.
SHE'S LIKE A "'ROUND
THE WAY" BANSHEE GIRL.
SHE USED TO SPAR
WITH MIKE TYSON.
AND IS BIOLOGICALLY A MAN. A
LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THAT.
TWO-TIME GOLDEN GLOVE WINNER.
THIS IS HER FOURTH CONSECUTIVE
APPEARANCE AT THE SHOUTING OLYMPICS.
SHE'S JUST READY TO GO.
LET'S WATCH THE ACTION.
AS YOU SEE, THE SPIT BUCKET
FROM HER YEARS IN THE RING.
IN THE OLD DAYS, SHE WOULD'VE SPIT RIGHT
ON THE FLOOR, BUT TIMES HAVE CHANGED.
SHE'S OFF AND RUNNING. SPEAKING OF
RUNNING, SHE JUST LEFT THE AUDITORIUM.
HERE SHE COMES.
OH! SHE LOST HER WIG.
I THINK SHE'S GONNA PULL
IT OFF. OH, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
PRAISE HIM! PRAISE THE LORD!
YES, O MIGHTY! OH,
SHE'S NOT DONE YET.
MIGHTY! MIGHTY! MIGHTY! MIGHTY! SARAH SAID
THAT HER COMPETITION BETTER BE HERE TODAY.
THERE SHE GOES
WITH THE SOFT SHOE.
A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T KNOW
SHE WAS IN THE CHORUS...
OF THE ORIGINAL
PRODUCTION OF THE WIZ.
NOW, LORD!
MS. SARAH MAE BROWN, FOLKS.
MS. SARAH MAE BROWN
BRINGS IT ON HOME...
WITH A SPECTACULAR
"GONE TO GLORY" GAINER.
AND, YOU KNOW, JOHN,
THE ONLY THING WRONG...
WITH DOING A WONDERFUL ROUTINE
LIKE THIS IS YOU CAN ONLY DO IT ONCE.
RIGHT YOU ARE, HARV.
THIS IS HAS BEEN INCREDIBLE.
SHE HAD THE HOLY SPIRIT
SHOOTIN' OUT OF HER EARS.
THE FIRE, THE BRIMSTONE... BOOM,
BANG... FLYIN' ALL OVER THE PLACE.
THIS IS THE BEST THING I'VE
SEEN SINCE DAVID MET GOLIATH.
THERE YOU HAVE IT, FOLKS. THIS IS HARV
FIRESTONE WITH JOHN MADDEN SAYING...
STAY TUNED FOR HEAVYWEIGHT COLLECTION
PLATE LIFTING AND SYNCHRONIZED BAPTISMS.
GOOD NIGHT AND HAPPY TO YOU.
THIS MUST HAVE BEEN
ONE HELL OF A FIRE.
MAN, I CAN'T TELL IF THOSE
ARE HIS LUNGS OR BEEF JERKY.
WE'VE LOST HIM.
4:16 P.M.
NURSE, CALL THE CORONER.
DON'T TOUCH THAT DIAL,
MARY TYLER MORGUE.
IT'S A ZOMBIE!
NOT QUITE, SON, BUT I DO
APPRECIATE THE HAITIAN CULTURE.
I AM FIRE MARSHAL BILL BURNS,
AND NOBODY LIKES A QUITTER.
SCALPEL. SCALPEL.
♪ HAPPY ENTRAILS TO YOU ♪
RIB SPREADER. RIB SPREADER.
OH!
AH. OH!
SO THAT'S WHERE
MY TV CLICKER WENT.
STAPLE GUN! STAPLE GUN!
BAND-AID WITH COLORFUL
FLINTSTONE CHARACTERS. BAND-AID.
VOILÀ. THANKSGIVING AT
JEFFREY DAHMER'S HOUSE.
BOY, THIS HOSPITAL IS AN
ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN.
LET ME SHOW YA SOMETHIN'!
WHAT THE HELL ARE
YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
SAY YOU'VE GOT BEN
VEREEN ON THE TABLE.
HE'S BEEN ON THE HIGHWAY PLAYING
CHICKEN GEORGE WITH A WINNEBAGO.
YOU'RE TRYING TO PUT THE
PUZZLE BACK TOGETHER AGAIN,
WHEN SOMEBODY SAYS, "HEY, LOOK.
THERE'S WHOOPI GOLDBERG WITH A BLACK GUY."
YOU SPIN AROUND TO GET A GANDER,
WHEN YOU ACCIDENTALLY KNOCK
OPEN THE VALVE ON THIS GAS.
LIKE SO.
NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOU'RE
DENNIS HOPPER FROM BLUE VELVET.
DON'T LOOK AT ME.
DON'T YOU LOOK AT ME!
YOU'RE GROOVY. YOU'RE HAPPENIN'.
YOU'RE OUTTA SIGHT, DADDY-O.
YOU ARE STARDUST. YOU ARE GOLDEN.
THEN THE TELEPHONE
RINGS, AND YOU
ACCIDENTALLY ANSWER
THE HEART ZAPPER INSTEAD.
BOY, THIS NEW SPRINT
LINE IS REALLY... CLEAR!
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON
DRUGS. ANY QUESTIONS?
NOW, JUST FOR THE
SAKE OF ARGUMENT,
LET'S JUST SAY...
A BARRACUDA HAS BEEN
SNACKIN' ON YOUR PATIENT'S LEG.
THIS IS NO BOATING ACCIDENT.
THIS LEG IS MORE MESSED UP THAN A
CHILD ACTOR ON DIFF'RENT STROKES.
WHAT TIME IS IT?
AMPUTATION TIME!
YOU PUT YOUR LEG UP HERE
TO GET A LITTLE LEVERAGE,
WHEN SOME WACKY RESIDENT DECIDES TO
PLAY JEDI KNIGHT WITH A SURGICAL LASER.
LOOK OUT.
♪ I KNOWS A SECRET ♪
HEY, FELLA. WATCH IT.
YOU CAN TAKE SOMEBODY'S
EYE OUT WITH THAT THING.
OH, YEAH!
YOU REACH IN FOR THE GUY'S LEG LIKE
RAY CHARLES LOOKIN' FOR THE UH-HUH GIRLS.
NEXT THING YOU KNOW...
OH!
I THINK I JUST HIT MARROW.
THERE WE GO.
BOY, THEY'RE RIGHT.
IT DOES FEEL LIKE
IT'S STILL THERE.
OH, MY GOD. GET A
TRAUMA UNIT IN HERE.
♪ DON'T CRY FOR
ME IKE AND TINA ♪
♪ IT'S YOU WHO IS
IN GRAVE DANGER ♪♪
♪ LET ME SHOW YA SHOW YA
SOMETHIN' SHOW YA SOMETHIN' ♪
♪ LET ME SHOW YA SHOW
YA SOME-OM-THIN' ♪♪
NOW.
LET'S SAY YOU'VE
GOT A PATIENT...
WHOSE BOWELS HAVEN'T MOVED
SINCE MICHAEL JACKSON HAD LIPS.
SO YOU JUST PRESCRIBE
HIM A LITTLE ENEMA.
SIR, ENEMAS, THOUGH THE SUBJECT OF
TASTELESS HUMOR, ARE PERFECTLY SAFE.
NOT IF YOU ACCIDENTALLY REPLACE THE
WARM, SOAPY LIQUID WITH HIGHLY VOLATILE...
NITROGLYCERIN.
WHY WOULD I DO THAT? MAYBE
YOU'RE ALL OUT OF SNAPPLE, SON.
OH, NURSE.
WOULD YOU PULL
MY FINGER? NO! NO!
OKAY.
NOW A SCENE FROM BACKDRAFT.
MY CHILDREN WERE
BORN IN THAT HOSPITAL.
THE DESPERATE CRIES OF THE SICK
AND INJURED WILL NOW GO UNANSWERED.
OH, WELL. I GUESS I'M
JUST A SPLASH IN THE PAN.
♪ LET ME SHOW YA SHOW YA
SOMETHIN' SHOW YA SOMETHIN' ♪
♪ LET ME SHOW YA SHOW
YA SOME-OM-THIN' ♪♪
♪♪ HEY, HEY, HEY! YO!
THAT'S THE WAY WE GO. THAT'S IT
FOR TONIGHT. THANKS FOR HANGIN'.
WE'LL SEE YA. PEACE!
♪♪