In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 5, Episode 1 - Ike Strikes Back - full transcript
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
- ♪ TAKE IT FROM ME
IT'S A'IGHT TO BE ♪
- HI-YAH!
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ AND HOW WOULD YA... HOW
WOULD YA... HOW WOULD YA F... ♪
♪ HOW WOULD YOU FEEL KNOWING
PREJUDICE WAS OBSOLETE ♪
♪ AND ALL MANKIND
DANCED TO THE EXACT BEAT ♪
♪ AND AT NIGHT IT WAS SAFE
TO WALK DOWN THE STREET ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪
GOOD EVENING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
WELCOME TO ANOTHER EXCITING
YEAR OF... IN LIVING COLOR.
OR WHAT WE CALL IT
AROUND HERE IS I.L.C.
ANYWAY, I'M GONNA BE INTRODUCING
SOME OF THE NEW CAST MEMBERS.
FIRST UP, WE GOT
ANNE-MARIE JOHNSON.
THANK YOU.
YOU BETTER WORK,
GIRL. LOOK ALL THIS HERE.
SHE'S GONNA BE TELLIN' US, YOU KNOW, WHAT'S
HAPPENIN' NOW, IN THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT.
LOOK OUT! THEY
CALL ME MR. TIBBS!
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL. OKAY, NEXT
UP, WE GOT CAROL ROSENTHAL.
A'IGHT. WE GOT MY
MAN... MARC WILMORE.
HE'S ONE OF THE
FAMOUS WILMORE BOYS.
AND LAST, WE HAVE JAY LEGGETT.
AND, OF COURSE, YOU KNOW
WE GOT THE O.G. STAFF HERE.
JIM, ALI. T'KEYAH ON
BASS, TOMMY ON DRUMS.
AND, ON BACKUP
VOCALS, JAMIE FOXX.
GOOD MORNING, HONEY. HI, HONEY.
I SEE WE'RE HAVING THE SAME
OLD BORING BREAKFAST AGAIN.
UH-UH. TODAY, WE'RE GONNA START
OUR DAY OFF WITH SOMETHING NEW.
IT'S "RUSELL SIMON"
DEF STRAWBERRY JAM.
YES! IT'S RUSELL SIMON'S
DEF STRAWBERRY JAM.
ONE BITE WILL TURN YOUR FAMILY
INTO A FRESH, FLY HIP-HOP CREW.
- YO! YO! YO! YO! YO!
- THAT'S A...
GOOD...
YOU KNOW, IT'S ABOUT TIME
YOU SERVED SOME GOOD FOOD...
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!
- HEY, YOUR UGLY...
- AIN'T THE ONLY...
WHO LIKES THIS...
THOSE... KIDS BE PUTTIN'
IT ON THEIR WAFFLES AND...
WHOO!
LET GO OF MY... EGGO!
YOU LET GO OF MY... EGGO!
NO! YOU LET GO OF MY... EGGO!
I'LL STICK MY FOOT
UP YOUR... SO DEEP,
YOUR BREATH WILL
SMELL LIKE SHOE POLISH!
- OH, YOU LITTLE...
- CAN KISS MY BLACK...
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!
- WHAT YOU LITTLE...
- FIGHTIN' OVER?
THERE'S ENOUGH OF THIS...
FOR EVERYBODY! DAMN! DAMN!
♪♪ SIMONS IN THE HOUSE!
GIVE IT UP FOR MY MAN
RUSSELL. HE'S DRESSED
LIKE A BUM, BUT
HE'S PAID LIKE...
LOOK HERE! WE OUT! PEACE!
PEACE!
♪♪
YO! IT'S RUSELL SIMON'S
DEF STRAWBERRY JAM.
- ALSO TRY MIRACLE "WHIP THAT...
- SALAD DRESSING AND...
FRUIT JELLY.
WITH A NAME LIKE
RUSSELL SIMONS, YO!
IT'S GOT TO BE...
GOOD. OUT! PEACE!
YOU EVER MAKE THE WRONG TURN, AND,
NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOU'RE "IN THE HOOD"?
AND WHY DO THEY CALL IT "HOOD"?
WHAT IS IT, LIKE, THE ENTIRE
CITY'S A GIANT SWEATSHIRT,
AND THAT'S THE PART YOU
PULL OVER YOUR HEAD?
WHAT... IS THE DEAL?
GEORGE.
LOOK AT THAT.
WHAT? WHAT AM I
LOOKING AT? WHAT?
WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH
THE BURNT-OUT CAR?
THE GUY'S NEVER
HEARD OF A TRADE-IN?
WHEN THEY SAY
WARM UP THE ENGINE,
THIS IS NOT WHAT THEY INTENDED.
WHAT... IS... THE DEAL?
JERRY, WHAT ARE WE
DOING HERE? LOOK AROUND.
- IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING.
- IT'S...
WHERE... WHERE ARE WE?
I SAID, "LET'S TAKE A CAB."
BUT, NO, NO. YOU DIDN'T
WANT TO TAKE A CAB.
MR. NO CAB. MR. KING
OF THE NO CABS.
THAT'S WHAT I GONNA CALL
YOU FROM NOW ON... KING NO CAB.
WHAT ARE WE DOING
HERE? IT'S, UH...
JERRY, GEORGE.
WHAT IS THIS? THANK GOD, I
CAUGHT UP WITH YOU GUYS.
I'VE BEEN RUNNING FOR 30 BLOCKS
JUST TO FIND A DOOR TO ENTER THROUGH.
KRAMER! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I CAME TO GET MY
HAIRCUT. OH, YEAH.
IT TOOK ME 20 YEARS TO REALIZE
I HAD THE HAIR OF A BLACK MAN.
I MUST BE AN OCTOROON.
DON'T JUST STAND THERE,
KRAMER. HELP US. DO SOMETHING.
OH, NO. NO, NO, NO. YOU HONKIES
ARE ON YOUR OWN. OH, YEAH.
WHAT'S WITH THE ELABORATE
WAY BLACK GUYS SHAKE HANDS?
THEY SMACK, SLAP,
WIGGLE. WHAT IS THE DEAL?
HEY. I HAVEN'T SEEN
YOU IN A LONG TIME.
I THINK I'LL SMACK YOU AND SLAP
YOU AND REALLY HURT YOUR HAND.
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHIN'. WHAT
YOU DOIN' UP IN THE PROJECTS?
YEAH. YEAH, THIS THE PROJECTS.
PROJECTS? WHAT TEACHER
ASSIGNED THIS PROJECT?
LOOKING AT THE STATE OF IT, I
HOPE THEY'RE GRADING ON A CURVE.
- WHAT?
- DON'T PAY
ANY ATTENTION TO HIM.
HE'S DELIRIOUS. HE DOESN'T
KNOW WHAT HE'S SAYING.
SO, IF HE DOES SAY SOMETHING, IT'S,
UH, DELIRIUM. SO DON'T PAY ANY ATTEN...
THAT'S WHY THEY CALL
HIM MR., UH, DELIRIOUS.
IT'S LOOKS LIKE YOUR MAN IS
DISSIN' YOU, BROTHER. WHAT UP?
YEAH. HE COLD DISSIN'.
WHAT IS "DIS"?
IS IT THE OPPOSITE OF "DAT"?
AND WHEN DID WE BECOME BROTHERS?
DOES MOM KNOW ABOUT THIS?
HEY, YO! DON'T BE TALKIN'
'BOUT MY MOTHER. WHAT'S UP?
HEY, MAN. YOU-YOU TREADIN' ON GROUND
ZERO, YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT THIS BOY'S MAMA.
WHY ARE BLACK
GUYS SO PROTECTIVE...
OF THEIR MOTHERS?
HEY, MAN, WHAT DID YOU SAY? HE
DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S SAYING.
HE DOESN'T KNOW. HE DOESN'T
KNOW WHAT HE'S SAYING.
SO, UH... BOY, DOES HE NOT
KNOW WHAT HE'S SAYING.
BOY? WHO YOU CALLIN' "BOY"?
I DIDN'T MEAN "BOY." I DON'T
EVEN KNOW WHAT BOY MEANS.
"GIRL" I KNOW. BUT I
DON'T KNOW FROM BOYS.
LET'S GET THIS SUCKER.
WE'LL BUM RUSH YOUR ASS!
WHY DO THEY CALL
IT "BUM RUSHING"?
WHO'S A BUM? WHAT'S THE RUSH?
WHY WOULD A BUM BE IN A
HURRY? THEY HAVE NOWHERE TO GO.
THEY HAVE NO PRESSING
ENGAGEMENTS. THEY'RE BUMS.
THEY SHOULD CALL IT "DRAGGING
YOU OFF AND KICKIN' THE"...
YEAH, LOOK, UH, JERRY SEINFELD
COULDN'T MAKE IT HERE TONIGHT,
SO, YOU KNOW, HE ASKED
US TO FILL IN FOR HIM.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?
YEAH. HEH, HEH. FILL IN FOR HIM.
PEEP THIS. YOU KNOW, LIKE, WHEN YOU
BE WASHING YOUR LAUNDRY AND STUFF,
YOU KNOW, LIKE, ONE SOCK
END UP MISSIN' AND STUFF.
LIKE, WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?
YEAH. WHAT BE UP
WITH THAT MISSIN' SOCK?
♪♪
♪ MY NAME IS BLADE AND YOU
KNOW YOU JUST MADE MY DAY ♪
♪ NOTHIN' TO SAY HOW ABOUT
WE GO SOMEWHERE AND PLAY ♪
♪ A LITTLE FAST, YEAH I
KNOW IT'S KINDA CRAZY ♪
♪ BUT WHEN IT COMES TO YOU
MY THOUGHTS ARE KINDA HAZY ♪
♪ OH, THAT'S RIGHT I
NEVER DID ASK YOUR NAME ♪
♪ IT'S LIKE I READ YOU I'M
HOPIN' THAT YOU FEEL THE SAME ♪
♪ I FEEL SOME CHEMISTRY
HOW COULD THAT JUST BE ME ♪
♪ I SEE YOU FALLIN', BABY
GIRL YOU WANT IT, WANT IT ♪
♪ OH, OH, DON'T YOU KNOW ♪
♪ YOU ARE MY TASTE OF MORNIN' ♪
♪ SUNSHINE LADY ♪
♪ WHAT YOU DOIN' TONIGHT ♪
♪ OH, I WANT YOU TO BE ♪
♪ I WANNA BE ♪
♪♪
LET'S KEEP IT GOIN' FOR FRANKIE,
THE COMIC WITH ONE NAME.
COME ON, FRANKIE.
OUR NEXT ACT HOPES TO
RELEASE SOME OF THE TENSION...
THAT IS GRIPPIN'
OUR NEIGHBORHOOD...
AND HEAL IT... WITH LAUGHTER.
SO, IN THE SPIRIT
OF BROTHERHOOD,
GIVE A BIG ZODIAC
COMEDY SHACK WELCOME...
FOR SAMMY... AND KIM.
COME ON. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.
ALL RIGHT. BOY, I TELL YOU
WHAT. IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE.
MATTER OF FACT, IT'S GOOD
TO BE ANYWHERE. SAY WHAT?
YOU HEARD WHAT I SAID, RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT, WELL,
YOU KNOW, RIGHT NOW,
IT'S TIME FOR ME TO INTRODUCE
YOU TO MY BEST FRIEND.
I'M TALKIN' ABOUT MY MAIN
MAN... KIM! GIVE IT UP FOR KIM!
WELL, SAY HELLO, DUMMY.
HELLO, DUMMY!
KIM'S CRAZY, ISN'T HE?
NOW WE WOULD LIKE
TO DO A LITTLE SKETCH...
THAT WE CALL "THE MARKET."
THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU.
♪♪
YO, MAN. WHY YOU ALWAYS
FOLLOW ME AROUND, MAN?
YOU BUY SOMETHING NOW!
MAN, I'M TELLING YOU. I'M
JUST LOOKIN', ALL RIGHT?
YOU NO LOOKING. YOU BUY!
MAN, GIVE ME A CHANCE, MAN.
DAMN. I WANNA
DECIDE. I DON'T FEEL
COMFORTABLE WITH YOU
BREATHING DOWN MY NECK.
THEN YOU NO LIKING. THEN
YOU LEAVE! COME IN TOMORROW!
FINE. I'M OUTTA HERE. THANK
YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
NOW CONTINUING WITH THE HEALING.
RIGHT NOW, WE'D LIKE TO DO SOMETHING
THAT WE CALL "THE LIQUOR STORE."
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
♪♪
YO, MAN. WHY YOU ALWAYS
FOLLOW ME AROUND, MAN?
YOU BUY SOMETHING NOW!
HEY, MAN. I'M JUST LOOKIN', MAN.
YOU NO LOOK. YOU BUY.
COME ON, MAKE MY DAY.
YOU STEAL MALT LIQUOR! I KNOW!
MAN, WHEN DID I STEAL
MALT LIQUOR, MAN?
WHEN DON'T YOU?
I TOLD YOU I'M GONNA
PAY FOR IT, ALL RIGHT?
WHY DO I LOOK LIKE TO YOU?
DO I LOOK LIKE SOME
KIND OF DUMMY?
THAT'S WHY I AM WATCHING YOU.
ALL RIGHT, MAN. DAMN.
♪♪
HEY, MAN! DAMN!
YOU NO READING MY MAGAZINE! YOU
BUY! THIS IS NO LIBRARY! YOU BUY NOW!
MAN, GET OFF MY BUTT.
NO. YOU KISSING MY BUTT. AND I HOPE,
WHEN YOU APPLY YOUR LIPS TO MY BUTTOCK,
YOU COME UP WITH
SPLINTER ON YOUR TONGUE.
YOU NO LOOK! YOU BUY!
THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY
MUCH. HAVE A GOOD EVENING.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WHOO! OH, MAN.
NOW CONTINUING ON
THE THEME CALLED...
"CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?"
WE WOULD LIKE TO CLOSE WITH
A LITTLE DRAMATIC MOMENT...
I'D LIKE TO CALL "THE RIOT."
THANK YOU.
WHAA! WHAA! YOU NO
BURNING MY STORE!
THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU. OF ALL
THE CROWDS WE'VE PERFORMED FOR...
YOU BEEN THE
MOST RECENT. I'M KIM.
AND I'M SAMMY.
CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?
PEACE. ALL RIGHT.
ONE MORE TIME! SAMMY AND KIM!
DR. JONES. DR. KLEIN.
PAGING DR. KLEIN.
OKAY. JUST FILL OUT
THESE FORMS IN TRIPLICATE,
AND THE DOCTOR WILL
SEE YOU SHORTLY, OKAY?
WHAT WAS THAT?
I DON'T KNOW. IT SOUNDS LIKE
SOMEBODY RAN OVER A HYENA. EWW!
HEY!
WHOO!
HEY.
- UM, CAN I HELP YOU?
- OH, YEAH. 'CAUSE I'M IN PAIN.
I AIN'T FELT PAIN LIKE THIS SINCE I GOT
MY STOMACH KICKED IN IN THE RIOTS.
UH, MISS, I'M SORRY.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WAIT.
THERE ARE ABOUT 10 PEOPLE... YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND. I'M "RET" TO BLOW.
OH, MY! WELL, HERE.
YOU HAVE A SEAT,
AND I WILL GET THE
DOCTOR RIGHT AWAY.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE PUTTIN'
YOUR HANDS ALL ON ME THOUGH.
OOH, SHOOT. THESE CONTRACTIONS
IS JUST KILLIN' ME, GIRL.
OOH, AND THIS MAKIN' MY
LIPS SO HARD AND CRISPY.
OOH, WOULD YOU LIKE SOME?
NO, THANK YOU. OH, OKAY.
- DID YOU TAKE LAMAZE?
- NO, BUT I WAS WITH LAMAR
AND LAMERTIN.
I DON'T KNOW LAMAZE. AIN'T
HE LIGHT-SKINNED AND STUFF?
AND HE USED TO POP LOCK
AND STUFF BACK IN THE DAY?
I REMEMBER HIM.
HE'S GOOD. HE'S GOOD.
I'LL ROCK HIS
WORLD. I SURE WILL.
WHY YOU SO SCARED?
WHY YOU BE SCARED?
I CAN'T HELP IT. I'M
TWO WEEKS OVERDUE.
OH, GIRL, THAT AIN'T NOTHIN'.
I'M ABOUT TWO MONTHS OVERDUE.
I JUST CROSSED MY LEGS 'CAUSE... AND
HELD IT IN 'CAUSE I WANTED ME A CAPRICORN.
THAT'S REAL.
OOH, BOY, I FEEL LIKE THIS BABY
IS KICKIN' FIELD GOALS IN MY STUFF.
OH! OH!
I GUESS I SHOULDN'T HAVE
DRANK ALL THAT KOOL-AID.
OH, MY GOD. YOUR WATER
BROKE. DOCTOR! QUICKLY.
YES, NURSE. WHAT SEEMS
TO BE THE PROBLEM? OH.
I'VE GOT YOU, YOU
LITTLE DAMN PIG!
TAKE HER OFF OF
ME! WHAT THE HELL...
GET HER TO THE BURN UNIT
IMMEDIATELY. SHE IS ABOUT TO GIVE BIRTH.
SHE LOOKS LIKE A DAMN
MOOSE CHEWIN' ICE.
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
GRAB A NET. I'LL
GET THE DART GUN.
DOCTOR. DOCTOR, THIS
COULD HAPPEN ANY SECOND.
OKAY, MISS. I'M GONNA HAVE
TO LAY YOU ON THE TABLE.
GET ON THE TABLE. ALL
RIGHT. LAY ME ON THE TABLE.
LAY ME DOWN.
AS SOON AS I GET THIS BUN OUT THE
OVEN, WE COULD REALLY DO SOMETHIN'.
YOU AIN'T TURNIN' ME ON. YOU
GONNA HAVE TO TURN ME IN.
OH, DOCTOR! HER CONTRACTIONS ARE
JUST A MINUTE APART. WE'VE GOTTA HURRY.
UH, DO I HAVE TO...
OH, UH...
HELL, THIS LOOKS LIKE A
GOOD PLACE FOR A STICK UP.
UH, NURSE, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST HOSE HER DOWN, AND-AND...
I MEAN, HOLD HER
DOWN. I GOTTA GO PREP.
NOW YOU CALM DOWN, OR I'M GONNA
HAVE TO GIVE YOU AN EPISIOTOMY.
OOH, YOU NASTY. YOU AIN'T
TOUCHIN' NO PART OF MY 'NATOMY.
YOU ALL WITH THAT KINKY STUFF
IN HERE. I AIN'T IN WITH THAT STUFF.
LET GO OF ME. THIS
IS FOR MEN ONLY.
DOCTOR. DOCTOR,
WE NEED YOU STAT.
MOVE OUTTA THE
WAY, 'CAUSE I'M GOIN' IN!
CHECK IT OUT. GET ALL IN THERE.
OOH, DOCTOR, YOU LOOK FREAKY.
YOU GOT ALL THAT RUBBER ON AND STUFF.
I'M DOWN FOR SOME
"M AND M." COME ON.
OH, MY GOD! IT'S
THE FACE OF SATAN!
DO YOU NEED ANYTHING?
A PRIEST AND SOME HOLY
WATER! DID YOU SEE THAT?
OH, DOCTOR.
LOOK, DOCTOR, THIS
PAIN IS TOO MUCH.
I THINK YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO ONE
OF THEM CAESAR SALAD SECTIONS ON ME.
- GIVE ME SOMETHIN'
FOR THIS PAIN.
- DO YOU WANT AN EPIDURAL?
NO. GIVE ME A
"SCRAWBERRY" DAIQUIRI...
AND SOME "SCRIMPS."
YOU GOTTA BE OUT OF YOUR UGLY
MIND. GET HER SOME ANESTHESIA.
OH, YOU MEAN ANESTHESIA. SHE
OVER AT DARNEL'S AND THEM HOUSE.
OH, MY GOD. I THINK SHE'S GONNA
BLOW. OKAY. OKAY, NOW PUSH!
PUSH!
NOT LIKE THAT!
OH, I'M SORRY. I GUESS I SHOULDN'T HAVE
ATE ALL THEM CHITTERLINGS AND STUFF.
- OOH, I FEEL IT COMIN'.
- WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO GO
WITH THIS ONE, HONEY.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO
GO. SET ONE! SET! SET!
IT'S ROSEMARY'S BABY!
OH. CONGRATULATIONS! IT'S A...
OH, UM, IT'S ALIVE.
OH, THANK YOU. OH.
YOU SO BEAUTIFUL. YOU
LOOK JUST LIKE YOUR MAMA.
YOU REMIND ME OF HALLE BERRY.
YEAH, BABY. I'M A-ROCK
YOUR CRADLE, BABY.
NOW, I JUST NEED A LITTLE
INFORMATION FOR THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE.
WHAT'S THE HORSE'S...
UH, THE FATHER'S NAME?
YEAH, MAN. WHO
THE HELL DID THIS?
AND WHY IS HE FREE
TO WALK THE EARTH?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT... DON'T YOU
WORRY ABOUT IT, LITTLE WANDA.
I'M A-FIND YOUR DADDY.
♪♪
YEAH! ALL RIGHT!
SEE YA LATER, GUYS!
DON'T TAKE DRUGS! GOOD NIGHT!
♪♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
- ♪ TAKE IT FROM ME
IT'S A'IGHT TO BE ♪
- HI-YAH!
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ AND HOW WOULD YA... HOW
WOULD YA... HOW WOULD YA F... ♪
♪ HOW WOULD YOU FEEL KNOWING
PREJUDICE WAS OBSOLETE ♪
♪ AND ALL MANKIND
DANCED TO THE EXACT BEAT ♪
♪ AND AT NIGHT IT WAS SAFE
TO WALK DOWN THE STREET ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪
GOOD EVENING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
WELCOME TO ANOTHER EXCITING
YEAR OF... IN LIVING COLOR.
OR WHAT WE CALL IT
AROUND HERE IS I.L.C.
ANYWAY, I'M GONNA BE INTRODUCING
SOME OF THE NEW CAST MEMBERS.
FIRST UP, WE GOT
ANNE-MARIE JOHNSON.
THANK YOU.
YOU BETTER WORK,
GIRL. LOOK ALL THIS HERE.
SHE'S GONNA BE TELLIN' US, YOU KNOW, WHAT'S
HAPPENIN' NOW, IN THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT.
LOOK OUT! THEY
CALL ME MR. TIBBS!
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL. OKAY, NEXT
UP, WE GOT CAROL ROSENTHAL.
A'IGHT. WE GOT MY
MAN... MARC WILMORE.
HE'S ONE OF THE
FAMOUS WILMORE BOYS.
AND LAST, WE HAVE JAY LEGGETT.
AND, OF COURSE, YOU KNOW
WE GOT THE O.G. STAFF HERE.
JIM, ALI. T'KEYAH ON
BASS, TOMMY ON DRUMS.
AND, ON BACKUP
VOCALS, JAMIE FOXX.
GOOD MORNING, HONEY. HI, HONEY.
I SEE WE'RE HAVING THE SAME
OLD BORING BREAKFAST AGAIN.
UH-UH. TODAY, WE'RE GONNA START
OUR DAY OFF WITH SOMETHING NEW.
IT'S "RUSELL SIMON"
DEF STRAWBERRY JAM.
YES! IT'S RUSELL SIMON'S
DEF STRAWBERRY JAM.
ONE BITE WILL TURN YOUR FAMILY
INTO A FRESH, FLY HIP-HOP CREW.
- YO! YO! YO! YO! YO!
- THAT'S A...
GOOD...
YOU KNOW, IT'S ABOUT TIME
YOU SERVED SOME GOOD FOOD...
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!
- HEY, YOUR UGLY...
- AIN'T THE ONLY...
WHO LIKES THIS...
THOSE... KIDS BE PUTTIN'
IT ON THEIR WAFFLES AND...
WHOO!
LET GO OF MY... EGGO!
YOU LET GO OF MY... EGGO!
NO! YOU LET GO OF MY... EGGO!
I'LL STICK MY FOOT
UP YOUR... SO DEEP,
YOUR BREATH WILL
SMELL LIKE SHOE POLISH!
- OH, YOU LITTLE...
- CAN KISS MY BLACK...
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!
- WHAT YOU LITTLE...
- FIGHTIN' OVER?
THERE'S ENOUGH OF THIS...
FOR EVERYBODY! DAMN! DAMN!
♪♪ SIMONS IN THE HOUSE!
GIVE IT UP FOR MY MAN
RUSSELL. HE'S DRESSED
LIKE A BUM, BUT
HE'S PAID LIKE...
LOOK HERE! WE OUT! PEACE!
PEACE!
♪♪
YO! IT'S RUSELL SIMON'S
DEF STRAWBERRY JAM.
- ALSO TRY MIRACLE "WHIP THAT...
- SALAD DRESSING AND...
FRUIT JELLY.
WITH A NAME LIKE
RUSSELL SIMONS, YO!
IT'S GOT TO BE...
GOOD. OUT! PEACE!
YOU EVER MAKE THE WRONG TURN, AND,
NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOU'RE "IN THE HOOD"?
AND WHY DO THEY CALL IT "HOOD"?
WHAT IS IT, LIKE, THE ENTIRE
CITY'S A GIANT SWEATSHIRT,
AND THAT'S THE PART YOU
PULL OVER YOUR HEAD?
WHAT... IS THE DEAL?
GEORGE.
LOOK AT THAT.
WHAT? WHAT AM I
LOOKING AT? WHAT?
WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH
THE BURNT-OUT CAR?
THE GUY'S NEVER
HEARD OF A TRADE-IN?
WHEN THEY SAY
WARM UP THE ENGINE,
THIS IS NOT WHAT THEY INTENDED.
WHAT... IS... THE DEAL?
JERRY, WHAT ARE WE
DOING HERE? LOOK AROUND.
- IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING.
- IT'S...
WHERE... WHERE ARE WE?
I SAID, "LET'S TAKE A CAB."
BUT, NO, NO. YOU DIDN'T
WANT TO TAKE A CAB.
MR. NO CAB. MR. KING
OF THE NO CABS.
THAT'S WHAT I GONNA CALL
YOU FROM NOW ON... KING NO CAB.
WHAT ARE WE DOING
HERE? IT'S, UH...
JERRY, GEORGE.
WHAT IS THIS? THANK GOD, I
CAUGHT UP WITH YOU GUYS.
I'VE BEEN RUNNING FOR 30 BLOCKS
JUST TO FIND A DOOR TO ENTER THROUGH.
KRAMER! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I CAME TO GET MY
HAIRCUT. OH, YEAH.
IT TOOK ME 20 YEARS TO REALIZE
I HAD THE HAIR OF A BLACK MAN.
I MUST BE AN OCTOROON.
DON'T JUST STAND THERE,
KRAMER. HELP US. DO SOMETHING.
OH, NO. NO, NO, NO. YOU HONKIES
ARE ON YOUR OWN. OH, YEAH.
WHAT'S WITH THE ELABORATE
WAY BLACK GUYS SHAKE HANDS?
THEY SMACK, SLAP,
WIGGLE. WHAT IS THE DEAL?
HEY. I HAVEN'T SEEN
YOU IN A LONG TIME.
I THINK I'LL SMACK YOU AND SLAP
YOU AND REALLY HURT YOUR HAND.
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHIN'. WHAT
YOU DOIN' UP IN THE PROJECTS?
YEAH. YEAH, THIS THE PROJECTS.
PROJECTS? WHAT TEACHER
ASSIGNED THIS PROJECT?
LOOKING AT THE STATE OF IT, I
HOPE THEY'RE GRADING ON A CURVE.
- WHAT?
- DON'T PAY
ANY ATTENTION TO HIM.
HE'S DELIRIOUS. HE DOESN'T
KNOW WHAT HE'S SAYING.
SO, IF HE DOES SAY SOMETHING, IT'S,
UH, DELIRIUM. SO DON'T PAY ANY ATTEN...
THAT'S WHY THEY CALL
HIM MR., UH, DELIRIOUS.
IT'S LOOKS LIKE YOUR MAN IS
DISSIN' YOU, BROTHER. WHAT UP?
YEAH. HE COLD DISSIN'.
WHAT IS "DIS"?
IS IT THE OPPOSITE OF "DAT"?
AND WHEN DID WE BECOME BROTHERS?
DOES MOM KNOW ABOUT THIS?
HEY, YO! DON'T BE TALKIN'
'BOUT MY MOTHER. WHAT'S UP?
HEY, MAN. YOU-YOU TREADIN' ON GROUND
ZERO, YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT THIS BOY'S MAMA.
WHY ARE BLACK
GUYS SO PROTECTIVE...
OF THEIR MOTHERS?
HEY, MAN, WHAT DID YOU SAY? HE
DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S SAYING.
HE DOESN'T KNOW. HE DOESN'T
KNOW WHAT HE'S SAYING.
SO, UH... BOY, DOES HE NOT
KNOW WHAT HE'S SAYING.
BOY? WHO YOU CALLIN' "BOY"?
I DIDN'T MEAN "BOY." I DON'T
EVEN KNOW WHAT BOY MEANS.
"GIRL" I KNOW. BUT I
DON'T KNOW FROM BOYS.
LET'S GET THIS SUCKER.
WE'LL BUM RUSH YOUR ASS!
WHY DO THEY CALL
IT "BUM RUSHING"?
WHO'S A BUM? WHAT'S THE RUSH?
WHY WOULD A BUM BE IN A
HURRY? THEY HAVE NOWHERE TO GO.
THEY HAVE NO PRESSING
ENGAGEMENTS. THEY'RE BUMS.
THEY SHOULD CALL IT "DRAGGING
YOU OFF AND KICKIN' THE"...
YEAH, LOOK, UH, JERRY SEINFELD
COULDN'T MAKE IT HERE TONIGHT,
SO, YOU KNOW, HE ASKED
US TO FILL IN FOR HIM.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?
YEAH. HEH, HEH. FILL IN FOR HIM.
PEEP THIS. YOU KNOW, LIKE, WHEN YOU
BE WASHING YOUR LAUNDRY AND STUFF,
YOU KNOW, LIKE, ONE SOCK
END UP MISSIN' AND STUFF.
LIKE, WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?
YEAH. WHAT BE UP
WITH THAT MISSIN' SOCK?
♪♪
♪ MY NAME IS BLADE AND YOU
KNOW YOU JUST MADE MY DAY ♪
♪ NOTHIN' TO SAY HOW ABOUT
WE GO SOMEWHERE AND PLAY ♪
♪ A LITTLE FAST, YEAH I
KNOW IT'S KINDA CRAZY ♪
♪ BUT WHEN IT COMES TO YOU
MY THOUGHTS ARE KINDA HAZY ♪
♪ OH, THAT'S RIGHT I
NEVER DID ASK YOUR NAME ♪
♪ IT'S LIKE I READ YOU I'M
HOPIN' THAT YOU FEEL THE SAME ♪
♪ I FEEL SOME CHEMISTRY
HOW COULD THAT JUST BE ME ♪
♪ I SEE YOU FALLIN', BABY
GIRL YOU WANT IT, WANT IT ♪
♪ OH, OH, DON'T YOU KNOW ♪
♪ YOU ARE MY TASTE OF MORNIN' ♪
♪ SUNSHINE LADY ♪
♪ WHAT YOU DOIN' TONIGHT ♪
♪ OH, I WANT YOU TO BE ♪
♪ I WANNA BE ♪
♪♪
LET'S KEEP IT GOIN' FOR FRANKIE,
THE COMIC WITH ONE NAME.
COME ON, FRANKIE.
OUR NEXT ACT HOPES TO
RELEASE SOME OF THE TENSION...
THAT IS GRIPPIN'
OUR NEIGHBORHOOD...
AND HEAL IT... WITH LAUGHTER.
SO, IN THE SPIRIT
OF BROTHERHOOD,
GIVE A BIG ZODIAC
COMEDY SHACK WELCOME...
FOR SAMMY... AND KIM.
COME ON. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.
ALL RIGHT. BOY, I TELL YOU
WHAT. IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE.
MATTER OF FACT, IT'S GOOD
TO BE ANYWHERE. SAY WHAT?
YOU HEARD WHAT I SAID, RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT, WELL,
YOU KNOW, RIGHT NOW,
IT'S TIME FOR ME TO INTRODUCE
YOU TO MY BEST FRIEND.
I'M TALKIN' ABOUT MY MAIN
MAN... KIM! GIVE IT UP FOR KIM!
WELL, SAY HELLO, DUMMY.
HELLO, DUMMY!
KIM'S CRAZY, ISN'T HE?
NOW WE WOULD LIKE
TO DO A LITTLE SKETCH...
THAT WE CALL "THE MARKET."
THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU.
♪♪
YO, MAN. WHY YOU ALWAYS
FOLLOW ME AROUND, MAN?
YOU BUY SOMETHING NOW!
MAN, I'M TELLING YOU. I'M
JUST LOOKIN', ALL RIGHT?
YOU NO LOOKING. YOU BUY!
MAN, GIVE ME A CHANCE, MAN.
DAMN. I WANNA
DECIDE. I DON'T FEEL
COMFORTABLE WITH YOU
BREATHING DOWN MY NECK.
THEN YOU NO LIKING. THEN
YOU LEAVE! COME IN TOMORROW!
FINE. I'M OUTTA HERE. THANK
YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
NOW CONTINUING WITH THE HEALING.
RIGHT NOW, WE'D LIKE TO DO SOMETHING
THAT WE CALL "THE LIQUOR STORE."
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
♪♪
YO, MAN. WHY YOU ALWAYS
FOLLOW ME AROUND, MAN?
YOU BUY SOMETHING NOW!
HEY, MAN. I'M JUST LOOKIN', MAN.
YOU NO LOOK. YOU BUY.
COME ON, MAKE MY DAY.
YOU STEAL MALT LIQUOR! I KNOW!
MAN, WHEN DID I STEAL
MALT LIQUOR, MAN?
WHEN DON'T YOU?
I TOLD YOU I'M GONNA
PAY FOR IT, ALL RIGHT?
WHY DO I LOOK LIKE TO YOU?
DO I LOOK LIKE SOME
KIND OF DUMMY?
THAT'S WHY I AM WATCHING YOU.
ALL RIGHT, MAN. DAMN.
♪♪
HEY, MAN! DAMN!
YOU NO READING MY MAGAZINE! YOU
BUY! THIS IS NO LIBRARY! YOU BUY NOW!
MAN, GET OFF MY BUTT.
NO. YOU KISSING MY BUTT. AND I HOPE,
WHEN YOU APPLY YOUR LIPS TO MY BUTTOCK,
YOU COME UP WITH
SPLINTER ON YOUR TONGUE.
YOU NO LOOK! YOU BUY!
THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY
MUCH. HAVE A GOOD EVENING.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WHOO! OH, MAN.
NOW CONTINUING ON
THE THEME CALLED...
"CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?"
WE WOULD LIKE TO CLOSE WITH
A LITTLE DRAMATIC MOMENT...
I'D LIKE TO CALL "THE RIOT."
THANK YOU.
WHAA! WHAA! YOU NO
BURNING MY STORE!
THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU. OF ALL
THE CROWDS WE'VE PERFORMED FOR...
YOU BEEN THE
MOST RECENT. I'M KIM.
AND I'M SAMMY.
CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?
PEACE. ALL RIGHT.
ONE MORE TIME! SAMMY AND KIM!
DR. JONES. DR. KLEIN.
PAGING DR. KLEIN.
OKAY. JUST FILL OUT
THESE FORMS IN TRIPLICATE,
AND THE DOCTOR WILL
SEE YOU SHORTLY, OKAY?
WHAT WAS THAT?
I DON'T KNOW. IT SOUNDS LIKE
SOMEBODY RAN OVER A HYENA. EWW!
HEY!
WHOO!
HEY.
- UM, CAN I HELP YOU?
- OH, YEAH. 'CAUSE I'M IN PAIN.
I AIN'T FELT PAIN LIKE THIS SINCE I GOT
MY STOMACH KICKED IN IN THE RIOTS.
UH, MISS, I'M SORRY.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WAIT.
THERE ARE ABOUT 10 PEOPLE... YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND. I'M "RET" TO BLOW.
OH, MY! WELL, HERE.
YOU HAVE A SEAT,
AND I WILL GET THE
DOCTOR RIGHT AWAY.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE PUTTIN'
YOUR HANDS ALL ON ME THOUGH.
OOH, SHOOT. THESE CONTRACTIONS
IS JUST KILLIN' ME, GIRL.
OOH, AND THIS MAKIN' MY
LIPS SO HARD AND CRISPY.
OOH, WOULD YOU LIKE SOME?
NO, THANK YOU. OH, OKAY.
- DID YOU TAKE LAMAZE?
- NO, BUT I WAS WITH LAMAR
AND LAMERTIN.
I DON'T KNOW LAMAZE. AIN'T
HE LIGHT-SKINNED AND STUFF?
AND HE USED TO POP LOCK
AND STUFF BACK IN THE DAY?
I REMEMBER HIM.
HE'S GOOD. HE'S GOOD.
I'LL ROCK HIS
WORLD. I SURE WILL.
WHY YOU SO SCARED?
WHY YOU BE SCARED?
I CAN'T HELP IT. I'M
TWO WEEKS OVERDUE.
OH, GIRL, THAT AIN'T NOTHIN'.
I'M ABOUT TWO MONTHS OVERDUE.
I JUST CROSSED MY LEGS 'CAUSE... AND
HELD IT IN 'CAUSE I WANTED ME A CAPRICORN.
THAT'S REAL.
OOH, BOY, I FEEL LIKE THIS BABY
IS KICKIN' FIELD GOALS IN MY STUFF.
OH! OH!
I GUESS I SHOULDN'T HAVE
DRANK ALL THAT KOOL-AID.
OH, MY GOD. YOUR WATER
BROKE. DOCTOR! QUICKLY.
YES, NURSE. WHAT SEEMS
TO BE THE PROBLEM? OH.
I'VE GOT YOU, YOU
LITTLE DAMN PIG!
TAKE HER OFF OF
ME! WHAT THE HELL...
GET HER TO THE BURN UNIT
IMMEDIATELY. SHE IS ABOUT TO GIVE BIRTH.
SHE LOOKS LIKE A DAMN
MOOSE CHEWIN' ICE.
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
GRAB A NET. I'LL
GET THE DART GUN.
DOCTOR. DOCTOR, THIS
COULD HAPPEN ANY SECOND.
OKAY, MISS. I'M GONNA HAVE
TO LAY YOU ON THE TABLE.
GET ON THE TABLE. ALL
RIGHT. LAY ME ON THE TABLE.
LAY ME DOWN.
AS SOON AS I GET THIS BUN OUT THE
OVEN, WE COULD REALLY DO SOMETHIN'.
YOU AIN'T TURNIN' ME ON. YOU
GONNA HAVE TO TURN ME IN.
OH, DOCTOR! HER CONTRACTIONS ARE
JUST A MINUTE APART. WE'VE GOTTA HURRY.
UH, DO I HAVE TO...
OH, UH...
HELL, THIS LOOKS LIKE A
GOOD PLACE FOR A STICK UP.
UH, NURSE, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST HOSE HER DOWN, AND-AND...
I MEAN, HOLD HER
DOWN. I GOTTA GO PREP.
NOW YOU CALM DOWN, OR I'M GONNA
HAVE TO GIVE YOU AN EPISIOTOMY.
OOH, YOU NASTY. YOU AIN'T
TOUCHIN' NO PART OF MY 'NATOMY.
YOU ALL WITH THAT KINKY STUFF
IN HERE. I AIN'T IN WITH THAT STUFF.
LET GO OF ME. THIS
IS FOR MEN ONLY.
DOCTOR. DOCTOR,
WE NEED YOU STAT.
MOVE OUTTA THE
WAY, 'CAUSE I'M GOIN' IN!
CHECK IT OUT. GET ALL IN THERE.
OOH, DOCTOR, YOU LOOK FREAKY.
YOU GOT ALL THAT RUBBER ON AND STUFF.
I'M DOWN FOR SOME
"M AND M." COME ON.
OH, MY GOD! IT'S
THE FACE OF SATAN!
DO YOU NEED ANYTHING?
A PRIEST AND SOME HOLY
WATER! DID YOU SEE THAT?
OH, DOCTOR.
LOOK, DOCTOR, THIS
PAIN IS TOO MUCH.
I THINK YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO ONE
OF THEM CAESAR SALAD SECTIONS ON ME.
- GIVE ME SOMETHIN'
FOR THIS PAIN.
- DO YOU WANT AN EPIDURAL?
NO. GIVE ME A
"SCRAWBERRY" DAIQUIRI...
AND SOME "SCRIMPS."
YOU GOTTA BE OUT OF YOUR UGLY
MIND. GET HER SOME ANESTHESIA.
OH, YOU MEAN ANESTHESIA. SHE
OVER AT DARNEL'S AND THEM HOUSE.
OH, MY GOD. I THINK SHE'S GONNA
BLOW. OKAY. OKAY, NOW PUSH!
PUSH!
NOT LIKE THAT!
OH, I'M SORRY. I GUESS I SHOULDN'T HAVE
ATE ALL THEM CHITTERLINGS AND STUFF.
- OOH, I FEEL IT COMIN'.
- WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO GO
WITH THIS ONE, HONEY.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO
GO. SET ONE! SET! SET!
IT'S ROSEMARY'S BABY!
OH. CONGRATULATIONS! IT'S A...
OH, UM, IT'S ALIVE.
OH, THANK YOU. OH.
YOU SO BEAUTIFUL. YOU
LOOK JUST LIKE YOUR MAMA.
YOU REMIND ME OF HALLE BERRY.
YEAH, BABY. I'M A-ROCK
YOUR CRADLE, BABY.
NOW, I JUST NEED A LITTLE
INFORMATION FOR THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE.
WHAT'S THE HORSE'S...
UH, THE FATHER'S NAME?
YEAH, MAN. WHO
THE HELL DID THIS?
AND WHY IS HE FREE
TO WALK THE EARTH?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT... DON'T YOU
WORRY ABOUT IT, LITTLE WANDA.
I'M A-FIND YOUR DADDY.
♪♪
YEAH! ALL RIGHT!
SEE YA LATER, GUYS!
DON'T TAKE DRUGS! GOOD NIGHT!
♪♪