In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 4, Episode 32 - Episode #4.32 - full transcript
HI, I'M JOE JACKSON.
YOU KNOW ME AS THE FATHER OF
THE JACKSON FIVE, BEING A TIGHTWAD...
AND BEATING MY KIDS LIKE A DRUM.
BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY
SHOULDN'T BEAT YOUR KIDS.
IT'S JUST THEY DO SO MANY
DAMN THINGS THAT MAKE YOU MAD,
LIKE SWELL UP WHEN YOU WHUP 'EM.
THEN YOU GOT TO WHUP ALL OF
'EM SO YOU HAVE A MATCHING SET.
THAT'S WHY I'M SO GLAD
THIS NEW TOY CAME ALONG...
THE JOE JACKSON, JACKSON KIDS...
ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOTS.
YES, NOW YOU CAN
BEAT MY KIDS TOO.
BEAT ALL THE JACKSON KIDS.
BEAT MICHAEL. HIT HIM SO HARD,
YOU'LL KNOCK THE WHITE OFF HIM.
BOY'S TALKING ABOUT
A SKIN DISEASE...
HIS SKIN'S BEEN BLEACHED MORE
TIMES THAN MADONNA'S MUSTACHE.
BEAT THAT STANK, LATOYA. FLOAT
LIKE A BUTTERFLY, STING LIKE A BEE.
STRING HER UP BY
HER FUNKY WEAVE.
AND SUCKER PUNCH THE HELL OUT
OF MY PERSONAL FAVORITE, TITO.
HEY, TITO? YOU WANNA
GO A FEW ROUNDS?
YOU GONNA KNOCK MY BLOCK OFF
AGAIN, DAD? YOU GOT THAT RIGHT, BOY.
I'M GONNA HIT YOU SO HARD,
BY THE TIME YOU STOP ROLLING,
YOUR JHERI CURL'S
GONNA BE BACK IN STYLE.
COMPARED TO YOU, WOODY
ALLEN'S FATHER OF THE YEAR.
GOOD SHOT, SON.
TOO BAD YOU CAN'T KNOCK
THE TALENT INTO SOMEBODY.
OH, I TRIED. LORD
KNOWS, I TRIED.
WELL, I GOT YOU THIS TIME.
THAT'S FOR SCARING MICHAEL,
AND THAT'S FOR CHEATING
ON MOM. OH, WATCH OUT, SON.
AND MOST OF ALL, THAT'S
FOR NAMING ME TITO.
LOOK, I WON! I WON. I
FINALLY DID SOMETHING RIGHT.
YEAH, WELL, WATCH OUT FOR
MY LEFT FOOT. COME HERE.
I BROUGHT YOU INTO THIS
WORLD, I'M GONNA TAKE YOU OUT.
SO DON'T SLUG YOUR KIDS.
SLUG JOE JACKSON'S KIDS.
THEY'RE USED TO
IT. GET THE NEW...
JOE JACKSON, JACKSON KIDS
ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOTS.
JUST BEAT IT!
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP AND
SIP ON A DREAM ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE ON A
FUNKY SCENE ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪♪
♪ GO, GO ♪♪
HELLO, I'M DAVID ALAN GRIER. WE
HERE AT IN LIVING COLOR ARE AWARE...
THAT OUR PROGRAM CAN
OFFEND CERTAIN VIEWERS.
THAT'S WHY WE'RE
INTRODUCING OUR NEW...
IN LIVING COLOR VOICE
MAIL FEEDBACK LINE.
IF YOU'RE A MEMBER OF AN OFFENDED
VIEWER GROUP, WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU.
JUST CALL THIS
NUMBER... 555-1993.
REMEMBER, WE WANT
TO HEAR FROM YOU.
HI, YOU'VE REACHED THE IN
LIVING COLOR FEEDBACK LINE.
IF YOU'RE A HOMOSEXUAL OFFENDED BY OUR
PORTRAYAL OF THE GAY COMMUNITY, PRESS ONE.
IF YOU'RE AN AFRICAN AMERICAN OFFENDED BY
NEGATIVE PORTRAYALS OF BLACKS, PRESS TWO.
IF YOU'RE A WHITE
SUPREMACIST OFFENDED BY...
OUR POSITIVE PORTRAYAL
OF BLACKS, PRESS THREE.
IF YOU'RE A FEMINIST OFFENDED
BY OUR SEXIST JOKES, PRESS FOUR.
IF YOU'RE A GAY ARMENIAN MIDGET,
PRESS THE STAR BUTTON NOW.
IF YOU'RE...
OKAY, NOW LISTEN UP.
THIS IS HOW IT'S GONNA BE.
THIS IS MOM'S BEAUTY
SHOP. OUR MOTTO IS,
"BRING US YOUR HEAD,
WE'LL MAKE IT HAPPY,
WHETHER YOU WANT IT
STRAIGHT, CURLED OR NAPPY."
MY NAME IS LASHAWN.
I'LL BE YOUR SUPERVISOR.
YEAH, WELL, I DON'T NEED NO SUPERVISION,
'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, I WENT TO USC,
YOU KNOW, UNIVERSITY
OF SUPERCUTS, SO, UH...
I DON'T ACTUALLY NEED... I GOT A DEGREE
SO I DON'T REALLY NEED NO SUPERVISION...
WELL, ACTUALLY, I DON'T
REALLY CARE, YOU KNOW,
'CAUSE IF I WAS IMPRESSED WITH DEGREES,
I'D BE DATING A THERMOMETER OR SOMETHING.
UH, HELLO. I'VE BEEN
WAITING HERE FOR 20 MINUTES.
OH, WELL, THAT'S
COOL AND EVERYTHING.
I'M SURE THAT SOMEWHERE IN LONDON,
BIG BEN IS SHEDDING A TEAR JUST FOR YOU.
MM-HMM. BUT WHAT YOU
NEED TO DO RIGHT NOW...
IS JUST READ THE
MAGAZINE AND RELAX.
THIS MAGAZINE IS 20 YEARS
OLD. WELL, LUCKY FOR YOU.
YOU'LL PROBABLY FIND A PICTURE
OF THAT DRESS YOU HAVE ON IN THERE.
UH, WHAT DID YOU
SAY YOUR NAME WAS?
SLADE THE BLADE, TO
CUT THEM FUNKY BRAIDS.
UH, NO, I DON'T THINK SO. YOU
DON'T TOUCH MY HAIR, OKAY?
THAT'S RULE NUMBER
ONE AND TWO, ALL RIGHT?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
JUST COME BACK HERE
WITH ME AND BE QUIET.
OKAY, NOW THIS IS
NOT A SPACE ALIEN,
IT'S A WOMAN SITTING
UP UNDER THE DRYER.
NOW WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO IS SET THE
CONTROL ON MEDIUM FOR FIVE MINUTES,
THEN TAKE HER OUT AND
CURL HER HAIR, OKAY?
ANY OF THAT YOU DIDN'T GET? WELL,
WHAT I DIDN'T GET IS HOW COME...
ME AND YOU DON'T GET
TOGETHER, UNDERSTAND, YO, YO?
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO GET
WHAT YOU PROBABLY GOT. MM-HMM.
JUST DO WHAT I'M SAYING, OKAY?
AND WHEN YOU FINISH THAT, GO
AND PUT A TENT IN MISS SMITH'S HAIR.
WHAT SHE NEED A TENT FOR?
HER HEAD GOIN' CAMPING?
UH, WELCOME TO MOM'S
BEAUTY SHOP. MAY I HELP YOU?
I DON'T KNOW.
UH, MY BOYFRIEND SAYS I
SHOULD DYE MY HAIR. MM-HMM?
I WANTED TO GET CURLS,
BUT MY BOYFRIEND SAYS...
I SHOULD PROBABLY
LEAVE IT STRAIGHT. MM-HMM.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T REALLY
KNOW WHAT I SHOULD DO.
WELL, I KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT YOU SHOULD DO.
YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GET YOUR
BOYFRIEND TO COMB YOUR HAIR.
GO ON SOMEWHERE.
YEAH, GIRL. I'LL TAKE
YOU BACK TO THE CRIB,
THROW ON SOME SLY AND THE FAMILY
STONE, GIRL, SO YOU CAN TEASE ME.
THEN I'LL COMB YOU WITH THAT
HOT COMB CROWN ROYAL GREASER.
OH, SLADE.
EXCUSE ME. I'M SURE THAT
CHUCK WOOLERY WON'T MIND ME...
BREAKING UP YOUR LITTLE LOVE
CONNECTION, BUT WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO IS
MEET SOME NICE PEOPLE...
AND GET MORE ACQUAINTED TO
THE PEOPLE IN THIS STAFF. MM-HMM.
I'M SURE WE CAN PLAN A LITTLE MEET AND
GREET FUNCTION FOR YOU LATER, YOU KNOW,
BUT RIGHT NOW WHILE YOU'VE
GOT SO MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS,
WHY DON'T YOU PICK UP A RAG AND
CLEAN UP AROUND HERE OR SOMETHING?
AND AS FOR YOU, MADGE
THE MOUTHY MANICURIST,
I SUGGEST YOU GET BACK TO WORK
BEFORE YOU SOAKING IN IT, OKAY?
OKEYDOKEY.
OH, I KNOW YOU DIDN'T! I KNOW...
DO YOU WIPE UP THE FLOOR
WITH YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S WIG?
DON'T ANSWER THAT.
THIS WIG COSTS $500.
WELL, I'M JUST DOING WHAT YOU TOLD ME
TO DO. I'M TRYING TO CLEAN UP SOME STUFF.
HOW COME YOU DIDN'T TELL ME
THAT VO5 WAS YOUR I.Q.? NEVER MIND.
NOW, LOOK. LOOK, LOOK.
DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO TAKE
HER FROM UNDER THE DRYER?
OH, NO! OH, MY GOD!
I'M GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW.
WELL, I GUESS YOU'RE GOING
AS THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN.
OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
WON'T SOMEONE
PLEASE FINISH ME OFF?
UM, WELL, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
MR. ABSENTMINDED HAIRDRESSER...
WAIT A MINUTE. WHO YOU
CALLING ABSENTMINDED?
WELL, PARDON ME. I
WAS UNAWARE THAT YOU...
TURNED DOWN A FULL SCHOLARSHIP TO
HARVARD SO YOU COULD GO TO BEAUTY SCHOOL...
AND ULTIMATELY WORK YOUR
WAY UP INTO THE SPOTLIGHT...
HERE AT MOM'S BEAUTY SHOP.
COME OVER HERE. DID YOU
PUT THE HENNA IN HER HAIR?
YEAH, I PUT THE HENNA
BARBARA IN THERE,
AND IT'S GONNA LOOK GOOD AS
SOON AS IT COME UP OUT. MM-HMM.
YOUR CONFIDENCE IS VERY IMPRESSIVE.
LET'S JUST SEE THAT IT WORKS, OKAY?
OH...
OH! OH, WHAT HAVE
YOU DONE TO MY HAIR?
OH, OH!
MY BAD.
WHAT DID YOU DO? RINSE
HER HAIR WITH 3000 FLUSHES?
WHEN I SAID I WANTED
A MOVIE-STAR LOOK,
I WASN'T THINKING
OF MARGE SIMPSON.
I WANT A REFUND.
THAT'S ALL YOU WANT?
WELL, HONEY, BEFORE YOU GO TO HOMER, LET ME
PUT YOU IN TOUCH WITH THE REFUND DEPARTMENT.
GO ON SOMEWHERE.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT!
UH, GRANDMA?
WHAT DO YOU WANT,
YOU OLD HEATHENS?
YOU GOT A PROBLEM,
YOU FISH-EYED FOOL?
UH, YES, THANK YOU.
LOOK WHAT HE DID TO ME! HA.
QUITE AN IMPROVEMENT.
NOW YOUR HAIR MATCHES
THOSE VEINS IN YOUR LEGS.
LISTEN, I DEMAND SATISFACTION.
HEY, LOOK, LADY. YOU DON'T TELL US
WHAT WE NEED TO DO, UNDERSTAND?
'CAUSE WE RUN THIS. YOU
BETTER WATCH IT, SUCKA.
YOU FIRED.
COME ON, HONEY. WE GONNA BE
LATE. YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME LIKE THIS.
THE HELL WE CAN'T.
WE GOT AN APPOINTMENT WITH THE
HAIR DRESSER. AFTER YOU, GRANDMA.
♪♪
♪ NEW YORK, BANG ♪
♪ NEW YORK, BANG
ROCK THE HOUSE, POW ♪
♪ COME ON AND
HELP ME TURN IT OUT ♪
♪ AH, YO, PEACE, GOD ♪
♪ PEACE ♪
♪ YO, YOU UP ♪ ♪ I'M UP AND
PACKED AND MY BAGS IS AT THE DOOR ♪
♪ DON'T FORGET YOUR LEATHER BOMBER,
WHERE WE'RE GOING'S KINDA COLD ♪
♪ I'M-A GO AND KISS MY MAMA AND
MY GRAND OL' EARTH GOOD-BYE ♪
♪ COOL, I GUESS WE'RE SPLITTIN'
IS THERE ANYTHING I'M FORGETTIN' ♪
♪ LET ME CHECK MY ROOM OH,
YEAH THERE GOES MY BOOM ♪
SHIT, DON'T FORGET THAT. ♪ 'CAUSE
WHEN YOU TRAVEL THEY SELL GRAVEL ♪
♪ WELL, I GOT MY
OWN... NOW, LET'S SPLIT ♪
♪ NEW YORK, BANG ♪♪
♪♪
CAPTAIN, THE ALIENS HAVE
REQUESTED PERMISSION TO BOARD, SIR.
PERMISSION GRANTED. I AM EAGER TO
SEE WHAT THESE HUMANOIDS LOOK LIKE.
WELCOME ABOARD.
STOP!
WHY IS IT THAT EVERY
BLACK ALIEN CHARACTER...
HAS TO HAVE A HEAD
LIKE A BUTT, A FOOT...
OR SOME OTHER EMBARRASSING
PART OF THE BODY?
THANK YOU, CAPTAIN.
I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND IF
MY CREW LOOKS AROUND.
NOT AT ALL. BRING THEM IN.
THIS IS BORKEL.
WELCOME, BORKEL.
THIS IS CRANE.
WELCOME, CRANE.
AND THIS IS QUARTZ.
HEY, QUARTZ. HOW ARE YOU DOIN'?
QUARTZ IS VERY
POPULAR ON OUR PLANET.
WHY?
GENTLEMEN, WE ARE THE
ONLY STUDIO IN TOWN...
WITHOUT A SINGLE
BLACK FILMMAKER.
THIS IS A KEY MARKET THAT
WE SIMPLY HAVE TO TAP,
SO TODAY I HAVE
LINED UP MEETINGS...
WITH SOME OF THE HOTTEST YOUNG
BLACK FILMMAKERS IN HOLLYWOOD.
THIS MUST BE THE PLACE!
NOW, WAKE UP THE DOTTED LINE...
'CAUSE THE FUNKATEERS
ARE HERE TO SIGN.
ON THE GOOD FOOT, YOU KNOW?
GENTLEMEN, YOU'RE EARLY.
AND YOU LOOK SWEET
ENOUGH TO EAT, HONEY. OH!
OH, I GET A CAVITY JUST
LOOKIN' AT YOU, SWEET THING!
LOOK HERE, HOME SKILLET, SAVE
SOME FOR DESSERT, YA KNOW?
NOW, YOU MUST BE... FUNKY
FINGER PRODUCCIONES.
I'M CLAVELL. I'M SORRY. I
DON'T SEE YOUR NAME HERE.
AND I'M HOWARD TIBBS III. LET ME
GIVE YOU ONE OF MY BUSINESS CARDS.
YOU KNOW, I'M FRESH OUT. HOWARD?
BAM!
ALL RIGHT, THE NUMBER'S HERE, BUT
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO READ REAL QUICK,
'CAUSE IT'S GROWING BACK FAST.
- I'M GETTIN' READY TO BUY
ONE OF THEM BLOW OUT KITS.
- BASKETBALL AFRO FOR DAYS!
WELL, IT IS CERTAINLY A
PLEASURE TO MEET YOU BOTH.
LET ME START BY INTRODUCING YOU TO OUR
VICE PRESIDENT OF PUBLICITY, LEE DAGGET.
SAY WHAT? BAM! YOU'RE
JUST THE MAN I WANTED TO SEE.
- YOU ALL RIGHT, HOMEBOY?
- ALL RIGHT.
LOOK HERE. DON'T
PUSH HIM OUT THE CAR.
INTERESTING TITLE. OH KNATS.
NO, NO, NO. YOU GOT THAT
BACKWARDS. LET ME SEE THIS HERE.
THAT'S STANK HO.
SEE, IT'S A LOVE STORY.
IT PICKS UP WHERE
PRETTY WOMAN LEFT OFF,
ONLY THIS TIME, SHE DOES ALL HER
SHOPPING AT FATBURGER, YA KNOW?
DID I MENTION I HAD A
DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT?
BLOCK 'EM AT THE DOOR, HOMEY!
GENTLEMEN, IT HAS JUST BEEN
A REAL PLEASURE MEETING YOU.
WE AIN'T DONE YET, BIG LEGS!
YOU KNOW, IT'S A
TWO-PICTURE DEAL.
HOWARD, SHOW 'EM THE TRAILER.
I REALLY DON'T THINK
WE HAVE TIME FOR THIS.
WHOO!
BAM!
NOW, YOU SEE, THIS IS A
LITTLE DITTY WE LIKE TO CALL...
DIRTY DANCING WITH WOLVES.
AIN'T NO FUNCTION
AT THIS JUNCTION.
I HAD THE TIME OF MY
LIFE. I'M JUST KIDDIN', Y'ALL.
BUT I NEVER MET
THIS WOLF BEFORE.
LET'S TAKE IT DOWNTOWN,
HOME SKILLET. BREAK IT DOWN.
LOOK HERE, HOMEY, I HATE
TO INTERRUPT THIS THING,
BUT THE COSTUME GOT TO
BE BACK IN JUST ABOUT 15.
AND THE BUS... AND
HERE COMES MY BUS.
THERE GO THE BUS. YOU
GOT CHANGE FOR A DOLLAR?
I GOT IT. LEROY, BRING MY
CAMERA BY LATER, COULD YOU?
NOW HOW DOES THAT
GRAB YOU, MATZO GRIP?
AHH! WELL, YOU KNOW, I THINK
I'VE SEEN JUST ABOUT ENOUGH.
YOUR 12:00 IS HERE, LISA.
DO YOU TWO KNOW YOU LEFT
YOUR SANDWICH CART OUTSIDE?
WELL, AIN'T THAT A
CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE?
YOU KNOW, I KNEW WE
FORGOT SOMETHING!
HEY, LOOK, Y'ALL! WHO'S HUNGRY?
PLEASE SHOW THESE GENTLEMEN
OUT. DID I MENTION WE ALSO PRODUCED...
MY AFRO'S TOO HIGH
TO BOX WITH GOD?
RIGHT, AND TEENAGE
MUTANT NEGRO TURTLES.
SAY, SAY, SAY, BROTHER!
ISN'T THAT WES UNSELD?
LOVE YOUR WORK, MAN!
HI, I'M ROSIE PEREZ.
AND I'M ARTHUR RAINER.
TONIGHT, WE HAVE SOMETHING
VERY SPECIAL FOR Y'ALL.
WE'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE ONE OF THE
FIRST AND ORIGINAL FLY GIRLS, DEIDRE LANG.
WE ARE VERY PROUD OF DEIDRE.
SHE'S COME A VERY LONG WAY,
AND SHE'S VERY SPECIAL TO US.
VERY SPECIAL. SO, TONIGHT,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...
MISS DEIDRE LANG.
♪♪
IF YOU'RE AN ANIMAL RIGHTS
ACTIVIST OFFENDED BY...
OUR TREATMENT OF
ANIMALS, PRESS 9-1.
IF YOU'RE LATOYA
JACKSON, PRESS 9-1-1.
IF YOU'RE JOE
JACKSON, PUNCH 9-2.
IF YOU'RE BYRON
ALLEN, PRESS 9-4.
IF YOU'RE...
DOCTOR, DO YOU HAVE
ANYTHING ELSE, UH, TO ADD?
THE INFORMATION I'VE PROVIDED FOR
YOU IS JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG.
I MEAN, THERE'S SO MUCH MORE
EVIDENCE THAT CLEARLY SHOWS...
THAT BOXING NOT ONLY
CAUSES GREAT PHYSICAL DAMAGE,
BUT NEUROLOGICAL DAMAGE AS WELL.
SO YOU THINK BOXING
SHOULD BE OUTLAWED?
- YES, I DO.
- WELL, THANK YOU
VERY MUCH, DOCTOR.
ALL RIGHT, SEND IN THE NEXT
EXPERT WITNESS, PLEASE.
HEY, WHAT'S UP?
YEAH, IT'S GOOD TO BE
BACK IN CAESAR'S PALACE.
I FEEL THAT THE FIGHT WILL
GO AT LEAST SEVEN ROUNDS,
BUT, YOU KNOW, HE HAD ME
RUNNING, BACK ON MY HEELS.
SIR, CAN YOU STATE
YOUR NAME, PLEASE?
OH, OH, S-S-STRAIGHT
UP. STRAIGHT UP.
UH, CARL "THE TOOTH" WILLIAMS.
'CAUSE THE TOOTH
WILL SET YOU FREE.
THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYIN'.
MR. WILLIAMS, YOU FOUGHT SOME
OF THE WORLD'S GREATEST FIGHTERS.
THAT'S RIGHT. UH, GEORGE
FOREMAN, MUHAMMAD ALI...
AND SO ON.
WHAT WOULD YOU SAY
THEY ALL HAVE IN COMMON?
UH, THEY ALL KICKED MY ASS.
BASICALLY, THAT'S...
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.
YOU KNOW, THEY... THEY
ALL HAD KICKED MY ASS.
BUT, YOU KNOW, THAT AIN'T THE
THING THOUGH. I WANT ME SOME...
I WANT ME SOME TYSON. THAT'S
WHAT I WANT, UNDERSTAND?
BUT HE TRYING TO HIDE
FROM ME, YOU KNOW,
BUT I'M GONNA FIND HIM,
'CAUSE I WANT SOME TYSON.
UH, MR. WILLIAMS, REGARDING
YOUR HEALTH... YES.
UH, DO YOU FEEL THAT BOXING, UH,
HAS IN ANY WAY
AFFECTED YOUR SEX LIFE?
WELL, SHE AIN'T WITH
ME NO MORE, BUT...
I DON'T THINK THAT REALLY HAS ANYTHING
TO DO WITH, YOU KNOW, MY BOXING.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW WHO TOLD
YOU ABOUT ALL THAT, BUT, YOU KNOW,
IT AIN'T LIKE I CAN'T
STILL, YOU KNOW,
SWING IT WHEN I GET
INSIDE THE BED, YOU KNOW.
MR. WILLIAMS, WOULDN'T
YOU AGREE THAT...
BOXERS WHO HAVE TAKEN AS
MANY BLOWS TO THEIR HEAD AS...
AS YOU HAVE, SHALL WE SAY,
LOST SOMETHING UPSTAIRS.
UH, BASICALLY.
BASICALLY THEY HAVE, AND, UH...
BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S
NOTHING TO DO WITH BOXING.
SEE, WHAT IT IS, IT'S A PLOY AND A PLAN
FOR THIS SENATE AND EVERYBODY HERE...
TO TRY AND KEEP ME AWAY FROM
TYSON, AND I GOT TO HAVE SOME TYSON.
I MEAN, ACCORDING TO OUR FILE,
YOU'VE SUSTAINED MULTIPLE INJURIES...
TO YOUR... YOUR JAW, YOUR HEAD.
YEAH, YEAH. YOU LOOK LIKE
THAT FELLOW ON STAR TREK.
DON'T HE? STRAIGHT UP,
CUZ. YOU LOOK JUST LIKE HIM.
BUT ANYWAY, I TAKE... I'LL TAKE
"EXEMPTIONS" TO THAT BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,
EVEN IN THE RING, YOU KNOW,
I KEEP MY TOOTH POLISHED,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
AND I'M SELLING THESE FOR
5.99 AT THE CRIB AND STUFF.
IF Y'ALL WANT TO COME BY
AND GET YOU SOME, YOU CAN.
UH, MR. WILLIAMS? YEAH?
OVER YOUR CAREER, HOW MANY BLOWS TO
THE HEAD WOULD YOU SAY YOU HAVE TAKEN?
I TOOK ALL OF 'EM TO THE HEAD.
BUT THAT'S THE BEST WAY TO
TAKE IT. TAKE IT TO THE HEAD.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? COME
ON DOWN HERE, AND LET ME SHOW YOU.
UH, JUST LET HIM DO
IT, SENATOR. GO AHEAD.
NOW... NOW, WHAT YOU WANT
TO DO... COME AT ME, NOW.
COME OUT WITH YOUR BEST SHOT.
COME ON. WITH YOUR BEST SHOT. COME ON!
UH, HE CAUGHT ME WITH
ONE. IT WAS A RABBIT PUNCH.
I THINK... DON'T STOP
THE FIGHT, THOUGH.
DON'T STOP THE FIGHT. DON'T
STOP IT, MAN! I CAN GO ON!
DON'T STOP IT, MAN! DON'T
THROW THE TOWEL IN, MAN!
Y'ALL WANT A COKE OR
SPRITE OR SOMETHING?
'CAUSE IT'S A TWO-DRINK MINIMUM
IF YOU'RE SITTING IN THESE CHAIRS.
MR. WILLIAMS. I GOTTA
SEE SOME I.D. FROM Y'ALL.
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE HELPING YOUR
CAUSE BY DEMONSTRATING THIS KIND OF...
OH, YOU'RE TRYING TO... YOU'RE TRYING
TO DOG ME. YOU'RE TRYING TO DOG ME.
MR. WILLIAMS... WELL,
COME ON, MARCIA BRADY.
COME ON.
WELL, BASICALLY, THE
REASON THAT I DIDN'T HIT HER...
IS 'CAUSE I RESPECT
WOMEN AND, YOU KNOW,
THE WHOLE BOXING GOT MY HEAD
DIZZY, AND SHE CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD.
MR. WILLIAMS, YOU CLAIM THAT
BOXING'S BEEN VERY GOOD TO YOU.
YEAH, IN A SENSE. IN A SENSE.
BUT I HARDLY THINK
THAT YOUR REPORT,
LET ALONE YOUR RECORD,
SUPPORTS YOUR CLAIM.
OH, YEAH, I DO
HAVE A RECORD OUT.
IT'S CALLED, UH, CARL
"THE TOOTH" IN THE HOUSE.
AND IT'S LIKE...
♪ GOT TO CAKE YOUR ICING
GONNA GET ME SOME TYSON ♪
YOUR TESTIMONY'S BEEN VERY
HELPFUL AND VERY ENLIGHTENING.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME, AND
YOU'LL GET OUR DECISION LATER.
NO, THERE AIN'T GONNA BE NO
DECISION. NO, I GOT TO HAVE MINE.
THAT'S HOW THEY TOOK MY LAST FIGHT
FROM ME. IT AIN'T GONNA BE NO DECISION.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU SITTING THERE ALL BOURGEOIS...
UH, CHARLIE, PLEASE.
SITTING OVER THERE,
ALL BOURGEOIS... HEY, MAN!
GET UP OFF ME, MAN! GET
UP OFF... MY HEAD IS DIZZY.
IF YOU'RE A PIMP OFFENDED BY...
OUR DEPICTION OF
PANDERERS, PRESS 5-3-7-6.
IF YOU THINK DELTA BURKE IS EXACTLY
THE RIGHT WEIGHT, PRESS 5-3-7-7.
IF YOU'RE A PHYSICALLY-CHALLENGED
ESKIMO, PRESS 5-3-7-8.
IF YOU'RE A MILITARY PERSONNEL WHO
ENJOYS GOMER PYLE IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE,
PRESS 5-3-7-9.
NOW, THE BAD BOYS OF
COMEDY PRESENT TELEVISION'S...
HARDEST-WORKING STAFF AND CREW.
THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE IN LIVING
COLOR HAPPEN EACH WEEK...
WANT TO THANK YOU AND WISH YOU
A HAPPY, SAFE SUMMER VACATION.
YOU KNOW ME AS THE FATHER OF
THE JACKSON FIVE, BEING A TIGHTWAD...
AND BEATING MY KIDS LIKE A DRUM.
BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY
SHOULDN'T BEAT YOUR KIDS.
IT'S JUST THEY DO SO MANY
DAMN THINGS THAT MAKE YOU MAD,
LIKE SWELL UP WHEN YOU WHUP 'EM.
THEN YOU GOT TO WHUP ALL OF
'EM SO YOU HAVE A MATCHING SET.
THAT'S WHY I'M SO GLAD
THIS NEW TOY CAME ALONG...
THE JOE JACKSON, JACKSON KIDS...
ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOTS.
YES, NOW YOU CAN
BEAT MY KIDS TOO.
BEAT ALL THE JACKSON KIDS.
BEAT MICHAEL. HIT HIM SO HARD,
YOU'LL KNOCK THE WHITE OFF HIM.
BOY'S TALKING ABOUT
A SKIN DISEASE...
HIS SKIN'S BEEN BLEACHED MORE
TIMES THAN MADONNA'S MUSTACHE.
BEAT THAT STANK, LATOYA. FLOAT
LIKE A BUTTERFLY, STING LIKE A BEE.
STRING HER UP BY
HER FUNKY WEAVE.
AND SUCKER PUNCH THE HELL OUT
OF MY PERSONAL FAVORITE, TITO.
HEY, TITO? YOU WANNA
GO A FEW ROUNDS?
YOU GONNA KNOCK MY BLOCK OFF
AGAIN, DAD? YOU GOT THAT RIGHT, BOY.
I'M GONNA HIT YOU SO HARD,
BY THE TIME YOU STOP ROLLING,
YOUR JHERI CURL'S
GONNA BE BACK IN STYLE.
COMPARED TO YOU, WOODY
ALLEN'S FATHER OF THE YEAR.
GOOD SHOT, SON.
TOO BAD YOU CAN'T KNOCK
THE TALENT INTO SOMEBODY.
OH, I TRIED. LORD
KNOWS, I TRIED.
WELL, I GOT YOU THIS TIME.
THAT'S FOR SCARING MICHAEL,
AND THAT'S FOR CHEATING
ON MOM. OH, WATCH OUT, SON.
AND MOST OF ALL, THAT'S
FOR NAMING ME TITO.
LOOK, I WON! I WON. I
FINALLY DID SOMETHING RIGHT.
YEAH, WELL, WATCH OUT FOR
MY LEFT FOOT. COME HERE.
I BROUGHT YOU INTO THIS
WORLD, I'M GONNA TAKE YOU OUT.
SO DON'T SLUG YOUR KIDS.
SLUG JOE JACKSON'S KIDS.
THEY'RE USED TO
IT. GET THE NEW...
JOE JACKSON, JACKSON KIDS
ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOTS.
JUST BEAT IT!
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP AND
SIP ON A DREAM ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE ON A
FUNKY SCENE ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪♪
♪ GO, GO ♪♪
HELLO, I'M DAVID ALAN GRIER. WE
HERE AT IN LIVING COLOR ARE AWARE...
THAT OUR PROGRAM CAN
OFFEND CERTAIN VIEWERS.
THAT'S WHY WE'RE
INTRODUCING OUR NEW...
IN LIVING COLOR VOICE
MAIL FEEDBACK LINE.
IF YOU'RE A MEMBER OF AN OFFENDED
VIEWER GROUP, WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU.
JUST CALL THIS
NUMBER... 555-1993.
REMEMBER, WE WANT
TO HEAR FROM YOU.
HI, YOU'VE REACHED THE IN
LIVING COLOR FEEDBACK LINE.
IF YOU'RE A HOMOSEXUAL OFFENDED BY OUR
PORTRAYAL OF THE GAY COMMUNITY, PRESS ONE.
IF YOU'RE AN AFRICAN AMERICAN OFFENDED BY
NEGATIVE PORTRAYALS OF BLACKS, PRESS TWO.
IF YOU'RE A WHITE
SUPREMACIST OFFENDED BY...
OUR POSITIVE PORTRAYAL
OF BLACKS, PRESS THREE.
IF YOU'RE A FEMINIST OFFENDED
BY OUR SEXIST JOKES, PRESS FOUR.
IF YOU'RE A GAY ARMENIAN MIDGET,
PRESS THE STAR BUTTON NOW.
IF YOU'RE...
OKAY, NOW LISTEN UP.
THIS IS HOW IT'S GONNA BE.
THIS IS MOM'S BEAUTY
SHOP. OUR MOTTO IS,
"BRING US YOUR HEAD,
WE'LL MAKE IT HAPPY,
WHETHER YOU WANT IT
STRAIGHT, CURLED OR NAPPY."
MY NAME IS LASHAWN.
I'LL BE YOUR SUPERVISOR.
YEAH, WELL, I DON'T NEED NO SUPERVISION,
'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, I WENT TO USC,
YOU KNOW, UNIVERSITY
OF SUPERCUTS, SO, UH...
I DON'T ACTUALLY NEED... I GOT A DEGREE
SO I DON'T REALLY NEED NO SUPERVISION...
WELL, ACTUALLY, I DON'T
REALLY CARE, YOU KNOW,
'CAUSE IF I WAS IMPRESSED WITH DEGREES,
I'D BE DATING A THERMOMETER OR SOMETHING.
UH, HELLO. I'VE BEEN
WAITING HERE FOR 20 MINUTES.
OH, WELL, THAT'S
COOL AND EVERYTHING.
I'M SURE THAT SOMEWHERE IN LONDON,
BIG BEN IS SHEDDING A TEAR JUST FOR YOU.
MM-HMM. BUT WHAT YOU
NEED TO DO RIGHT NOW...
IS JUST READ THE
MAGAZINE AND RELAX.
THIS MAGAZINE IS 20 YEARS
OLD. WELL, LUCKY FOR YOU.
YOU'LL PROBABLY FIND A PICTURE
OF THAT DRESS YOU HAVE ON IN THERE.
UH, WHAT DID YOU
SAY YOUR NAME WAS?
SLADE THE BLADE, TO
CUT THEM FUNKY BRAIDS.
UH, NO, I DON'T THINK SO. YOU
DON'T TOUCH MY HAIR, OKAY?
THAT'S RULE NUMBER
ONE AND TWO, ALL RIGHT?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
JUST COME BACK HERE
WITH ME AND BE QUIET.
OKAY, NOW THIS IS
NOT A SPACE ALIEN,
IT'S A WOMAN SITTING
UP UNDER THE DRYER.
NOW WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO IS SET THE
CONTROL ON MEDIUM FOR FIVE MINUTES,
THEN TAKE HER OUT AND
CURL HER HAIR, OKAY?
ANY OF THAT YOU DIDN'T GET? WELL,
WHAT I DIDN'T GET IS HOW COME...
ME AND YOU DON'T GET
TOGETHER, UNDERSTAND, YO, YO?
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO GET
WHAT YOU PROBABLY GOT. MM-HMM.
JUST DO WHAT I'M SAYING, OKAY?
AND WHEN YOU FINISH THAT, GO
AND PUT A TENT IN MISS SMITH'S HAIR.
WHAT SHE NEED A TENT FOR?
HER HEAD GOIN' CAMPING?
UH, WELCOME TO MOM'S
BEAUTY SHOP. MAY I HELP YOU?
I DON'T KNOW.
UH, MY BOYFRIEND SAYS I
SHOULD DYE MY HAIR. MM-HMM?
I WANTED TO GET CURLS,
BUT MY BOYFRIEND SAYS...
I SHOULD PROBABLY
LEAVE IT STRAIGHT. MM-HMM.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T REALLY
KNOW WHAT I SHOULD DO.
WELL, I KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT YOU SHOULD DO.
YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GET YOUR
BOYFRIEND TO COMB YOUR HAIR.
GO ON SOMEWHERE.
YEAH, GIRL. I'LL TAKE
YOU BACK TO THE CRIB,
THROW ON SOME SLY AND THE FAMILY
STONE, GIRL, SO YOU CAN TEASE ME.
THEN I'LL COMB YOU WITH THAT
HOT COMB CROWN ROYAL GREASER.
OH, SLADE.
EXCUSE ME. I'M SURE THAT
CHUCK WOOLERY WON'T MIND ME...
BREAKING UP YOUR LITTLE LOVE
CONNECTION, BUT WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO IS
MEET SOME NICE PEOPLE...
AND GET MORE ACQUAINTED TO
THE PEOPLE IN THIS STAFF. MM-HMM.
I'M SURE WE CAN PLAN A LITTLE MEET AND
GREET FUNCTION FOR YOU LATER, YOU KNOW,
BUT RIGHT NOW WHILE YOU'VE
GOT SO MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS,
WHY DON'T YOU PICK UP A RAG AND
CLEAN UP AROUND HERE OR SOMETHING?
AND AS FOR YOU, MADGE
THE MOUTHY MANICURIST,
I SUGGEST YOU GET BACK TO WORK
BEFORE YOU SOAKING IN IT, OKAY?
OKEYDOKEY.
OH, I KNOW YOU DIDN'T! I KNOW...
DO YOU WIPE UP THE FLOOR
WITH YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S WIG?
DON'T ANSWER THAT.
THIS WIG COSTS $500.
WELL, I'M JUST DOING WHAT YOU TOLD ME
TO DO. I'M TRYING TO CLEAN UP SOME STUFF.
HOW COME YOU DIDN'T TELL ME
THAT VO5 WAS YOUR I.Q.? NEVER MIND.
NOW, LOOK. LOOK, LOOK.
DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO TAKE
HER FROM UNDER THE DRYER?
OH, NO! OH, MY GOD!
I'M GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW.
WELL, I GUESS YOU'RE GOING
AS THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN.
OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
WON'T SOMEONE
PLEASE FINISH ME OFF?
UM, WELL, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
MR. ABSENTMINDED HAIRDRESSER...
WAIT A MINUTE. WHO YOU
CALLING ABSENTMINDED?
WELL, PARDON ME. I
WAS UNAWARE THAT YOU...
TURNED DOWN A FULL SCHOLARSHIP TO
HARVARD SO YOU COULD GO TO BEAUTY SCHOOL...
AND ULTIMATELY WORK YOUR
WAY UP INTO THE SPOTLIGHT...
HERE AT MOM'S BEAUTY SHOP.
COME OVER HERE. DID YOU
PUT THE HENNA IN HER HAIR?
YEAH, I PUT THE HENNA
BARBARA IN THERE,
AND IT'S GONNA LOOK GOOD AS
SOON AS IT COME UP OUT. MM-HMM.
YOUR CONFIDENCE IS VERY IMPRESSIVE.
LET'S JUST SEE THAT IT WORKS, OKAY?
OH...
OH! OH, WHAT HAVE
YOU DONE TO MY HAIR?
OH, OH!
MY BAD.
WHAT DID YOU DO? RINSE
HER HAIR WITH 3000 FLUSHES?
WHEN I SAID I WANTED
A MOVIE-STAR LOOK,
I WASN'T THINKING
OF MARGE SIMPSON.
I WANT A REFUND.
THAT'S ALL YOU WANT?
WELL, HONEY, BEFORE YOU GO TO HOMER, LET ME
PUT YOU IN TOUCH WITH THE REFUND DEPARTMENT.
GO ON SOMEWHERE.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT!
UH, GRANDMA?
WHAT DO YOU WANT,
YOU OLD HEATHENS?
YOU GOT A PROBLEM,
YOU FISH-EYED FOOL?
UH, YES, THANK YOU.
LOOK WHAT HE DID TO ME! HA.
QUITE AN IMPROVEMENT.
NOW YOUR HAIR MATCHES
THOSE VEINS IN YOUR LEGS.
LISTEN, I DEMAND SATISFACTION.
HEY, LOOK, LADY. YOU DON'T TELL US
WHAT WE NEED TO DO, UNDERSTAND?
'CAUSE WE RUN THIS. YOU
BETTER WATCH IT, SUCKA.
YOU FIRED.
COME ON, HONEY. WE GONNA BE
LATE. YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME LIKE THIS.
THE HELL WE CAN'T.
WE GOT AN APPOINTMENT WITH THE
HAIR DRESSER. AFTER YOU, GRANDMA.
♪♪
♪ NEW YORK, BANG ♪
♪ NEW YORK, BANG
ROCK THE HOUSE, POW ♪
♪ COME ON AND
HELP ME TURN IT OUT ♪
♪ AH, YO, PEACE, GOD ♪
♪ PEACE ♪
♪ YO, YOU UP ♪ ♪ I'M UP AND
PACKED AND MY BAGS IS AT THE DOOR ♪
♪ DON'T FORGET YOUR LEATHER BOMBER,
WHERE WE'RE GOING'S KINDA COLD ♪
♪ I'M-A GO AND KISS MY MAMA AND
MY GRAND OL' EARTH GOOD-BYE ♪
♪ COOL, I GUESS WE'RE SPLITTIN'
IS THERE ANYTHING I'M FORGETTIN' ♪
♪ LET ME CHECK MY ROOM OH,
YEAH THERE GOES MY BOOM ♪
SHIT, DON'T FORGET THAT. ♪ 'CAUSE
WHEN YOU TRAVEL THEY SELL GRAVEL ♪
♪ WELL, I GOT MY
OWN... NOW, LET'S SPLIT ♪
♪ NEW YORK, BANG ♪♪
♪♪
CAPTAIN, THE ALIENS HAVE
REQUESTED PERMISSION TO BOARD, SIR.
PERMISSION GRANTED. I AM EAGER TO
SEE WHAT THESE HUMANOIDS LOOK LIKE.
WELCOME ABOARD.
STOP!
WHY IS IT THAT EVERY
BLACK ALIEN CHARACTER...
HAS TO HAVE A HEAD
LIKE A BUTT, A FOOT...
OR SOME OTHER EMBARRASSING
PART OF THE BODY?
THANK YOU, CAPTAIN.
I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND IF
MY CREW LOOKS AROUND.
NOT AT ALL. BRING THEM IN.
THIS IS BORKEL.
WELCOME, BORKEL.
THIS IS CRANE.
WELCOME, CRANE.
AND THIS IS QUARTZ.
HEY, QUARTZ. HOW ARE YOU DOIN'?
QUARTZ IS VERY
POPULAR ON OUR PLANET.
WHY?
GENTLEMEN, WE ARE THE
ONLY STUDIO IN TOWN...
WITHOUT A SINGLE
BLACK FILMMAKER.
THIS IS A KEY MARKET THAT
WE SIMPLY HAVE TO TAP,
SO TODAY I HAVE
LINED UP MEETINGS...
WITH SOME OF THE HOTTEST YOUNG
BLACK FILMMAKERS IN HOLLYWOOD.
THIS MUST BE THE PLACE!
NOW, WAKE UP THE DOTTED LINE...
'CAUSE THE FUNKATEERS
ARE HERE TO SIGN.
ON THE GOOD FOOT, YOU KNOW?
GENTLEMEN, YOU'RE EARLY.
AND YOU LOOK SWEET
ENOUGH TO EAT, HONEY. OH!
OH, I GET A CAVITY JUST
LOOKIN' AT YOU, SWEET THING!
LOOK HERE, HOME SKILLET, SAVE
SOME FOR DESSERT, YA KNOW?
NOW, YOU MUST BE... FUNKY
FINGER PRODUCCIONES.
I'M CLAVELL. I'M SORRY. I
DON'T SEE YOUR NAME HERE.
AND I'M HOWARD TIBBS III. LET ME
GIVE YOU ONE OF MY BUSINESS CARDS.
YOU KNOW, I'M FRESH OUT. HOWARD?
BAM!
ALL RIGHT, THE NUMBER'S HERE, BUT
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO READ REAL QUICK,
'CAUSE IT'S GROWING BACK FAST.
- I'M GETTIN' READY TO BUY
ONE OF THEM BLOW OUT KITS.
- BASKETBALL AFRO FOR DAYS!
WELL, IT IS CERTAINLY A
PLEASURE TO MEET YOU BOTH.
LET ME START BY INTRODUCING YOU TO OUR
VICE PRESIDENT OF PUBLICITY, LEE DAGGET.
SAY WHAT? BAM! YOU'RE
JUST THE MAN I WANTED TO SEE.
- YOU ALL RIGHT, HOMEBOY?
- ALL RIGHT.
LOOK HERE. DON'T
PUSH HIM OUT THE CAR.
INTERESTING TITLE. OH KNATS.
NO, NO, NO. YOU GOT THAT
BACKWARDS. LET ME SEE THIS HERE.
THAT'S STANK HO.
SEE, IT'S A LOVE STORY.
IT PICKS UP WHERE
PRETTY WOMAN LEFT OFF,
ONLY THIS TIME, SHE DOES ALL HER
SHOPPING AT FATBURGER, YA KNOW?
DID I MENTION I HAD A
DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT?
BLOCK 'EM AT THE DOOR, HOMEY!
GENTLEMEN, IT HAS JUST BEEN
A REAL PLEASURE MEETING YOU.
WE AIN'T DONE YET, BIG LEGS!
YOU KNOW, IT'S A
TWO-PICTURE DEAL.
HOWARD, SHOW 'EM THE TRAILER.
I REALLY DON'T THINK
WE HAVE TIME FOR THIS.
WHOO!
BAM!
NOW, YOU SEE, THIS IS A
LITTLE DITTY WE LIKE TO CALL...
DIRTY DANCING WITH WOLVES.
AIN'T NO FUNCTION
AT THIS JUNCTION.
I HAD THE TIME OF MY
LIFE. I'M JUST KIDDIN', Y'ALL.
BUT I NEVER MET
THIS WOLF BEFORE.
LET'S TAKE IT DOWNTOWN,
HOME SKILLET. BREAK IT DOWN.
LOOK HERE, HOMEY, I HATE
TO INTERRUPT THIS THING,
BUT THE COSTUME GOT TO
BE BACK IN JUST ABOUT 15.
AND THE BUS... AND
HERE COMES MY BUS.
THERE GO THE BUS. YOU
GOT CHANGE FOR A DOLLAR?
I GOT IT. LEROY, BRING MY
CAMERA BY LATER, COULD YOU?
NOW HOW DOES THAT
GRAB YOU, MATZO GRIP?
AHH! WELL, YOU KNOW, I THINK
I'VE SEEN JUST ABOUT ENOUGH.
YOUR 12:00 IS HERE, LISA.
DO YOU TWO KNOW YOU LEFT
YOUR SANDWICH CART OUTSIDE?
WELL, AIN'T THAT A
CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE?
YOU KNOW, I KNEW WE
FORGOT SOMETHING!
HEY, LOOK, Y'ALL! WHO'S HUNGRY?
PLEASE SHOW THESE GENTLEMEN
OUT. DID I MENTION WE ALSO PRODUCED...
MY AFRO'S TOO HIGH
TO BOX WITH GOD?
RIGHT, AND TEENAGE
MUTANT NEGRO TURTLES.
SAY, SAY, SAY, BROTHER!
ISN'T THAT WES UNSELD?
LOVE YOUR WORK, MAN!
HI, I'M ROSIE PEREZ.
AND I'M ARTHUR RAINER.
TONIGHT, WE HAVE SOMETHING
VERY SPECIAL FOR Y'ALL.
WE'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE ONE OF THE
FIRST AND ORIGINAL FLY GIRLS, DEIDRE LANG.
WE ARE VERY PROUD OF DEIDRE.
SHE'S COME A VERY LONG WAY,
AND SHE'S VERY SPECIAL TO US.
VERY SPECIAL. SO, TONIGHT,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...
MISS DEIDRE LANG.
♪♪
IF YOU'RE AN ANIMAL RIGHTS
ACTIVIST OFFENDED BY...
OUR TREATMENT OF
ANIMALS, PRESS 9-1.
IF YOU'RE LATOYA
JACKSON, PRESS 9-1-1.
IF YOU'RE JOE
JACKSON, PUNCH 9-2.
IF YOU'RE BYRON
ALLEN, PRESS 9-4.
IF YOU'RE...
DOCTOR, DO YOU HAVE
ANYTHING ELSE, UH, TO ADD?
THE INFORMATION I'VE PROVIDED FOR
YOU IS JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG.
I MEAN, THERE'S SO MUCH MORE
EVIDENCE THAT CLEARLY SHOWS...
THAT BOXING NOT ONLY
CAUSES GREAT PHYSICAL DAMAGE,
BUT NEUROLOGICAL DAMAGE AS WELL.
SO YOU THINK BOXING
SHOULD BE OUTLAWED?
- YES, I DO.
- WELL, THANK YOU
VERY MUCH, DOCTOR.
ALL RIGHT, SEND IN THE NEXT
EXPERT WITNESS, PLEASE.
HEY, WHAT'S UP?
YEAH, IT'S GOOD TO BE
BACK IN CAESAR'S PALACE.
I FEEL THAT THE FIGHT WILL
GO AT LEAST SEVEN ROUNDS,
BUT, YOU KNOW, HE HAD ME
RUNNING, BACK ON MY HEELS.
SIR, CAN YOU STATE
YOUR NAME, PLEASE?
OH, OH, S-S-STRAIGHT
UP. STRAIGHT UP.
UH, CARL "THE TOOTH" WILLIAMS.
'CAUSE THE TOOTH
WILL SET YOU FREE.
THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYIN'.
MR. WILLIAMS, YOU FOUGHT SOME
OF THE WORLD'S GREATEST FIGHTERS.
THAT'S RIGHT. UH, GEORGE
FOREMAN, MUHAMMAD ALI...
AND SO ON.
WHAT WOULD YOU SAY
THEY ALL HAVE IN COMMON?
UH, THEY ALL KICKED MY ASS.
BASICALLY, THAT'S...
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.
YOU KNOW, THEY... THEY
ALL HAD KICKED MY ASS.
BUT, YOU KNOW, THAT AIN'T THE
THING THOUGH. I WANT ME SOME...
I WANT ME SOME TYSON. THAT'S
WHAT I WANT, UNDERSTAND?
BUT HE TRYING TO HIDE
FROM ME, YOU KNOW,
BUT I'M GONNA FIND HIM,
'CAUSE I WANT SOME TYSON.
UH, MR. WILLIAMS, REGARDING
YOUR HEALTH... YES.
UH, DO YOU FEEL THAT BOXING, UH,
HAS IN ANY WAY
AFFECTED YOUR SEX LIFE?
WELL, SHE AIN'T WITH
ME NO MORE, BUT...
I DON'T THINK THAT REALLY HAS ANYTHING
TO DO WITH, YOU KNOW, MY BOXING.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW WHO TOLD
YOU ABOUT ALL THAT, BUT, YOU KNOW,
IT AIN'T LIKE I CAN'T
STILL, YOU KNOW,
SWING IT WHEN I GET
INSIDE THE BED, YOU KNOW.
MR. WILLIAMS, WOULDN'T
YOU AGREE THAT...
BOXERS WHO HAVE TAKEN AS
MANY BLOWS TO THEIR HEAD AS...
AS YOU HAVE, SHALL WE SAY,
LOST SOMETHING UPSTAIRS.
UH, BASICALLY.
BASICALLY THEY HAVE, AND, UH...
BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S
NOTHING TO DO WITH BOXING.
SEE, WHAT IT IS, IT'S A PLOY AND A PLAN
FOR THIS SENATE AND EVERYBODY HERE...
TO TRY AND KEEP ME AWAY FROM
TYSON, AND I GOT TO HAVE SOME TYSON.
I MEAN, ACCORDING TO OUR FILE,
YOU'VE SUSTAINED MULTIPLE INJURIES...
TO YOUR... YOUR JAW, YOUR HEAD.
YEAH, YEAH. YOU LOOK LIKE
THAT FELLOW ON STAR TREK.
DON'T HE? STRAIGHT UP,
CUZ. YOU LOOK JUST LIKE HIM.
BUT ANYWAY, I TAKE... I'LL TAKE
"EXEMPTIONS" TO THAT BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,
EVEN IN THE RING, YOU KNOW,
I KEEP MY TOOTH POLISHED,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
AND I'M SELLING THESE FOR
5.99 AT THE CRIB AND STUFF.
IF Y'ALL WANT TO COME BY
AND GET YOU SOME, YOU CAN.
UH, MR. WILLIAMS? YEAH?
OVER YOUR CAREER, HOW MANY BLOWS TO
THE HEAD WOULD YOU SAY YOU HAVE TAKEN?
I TOOK ALL OF 'EM TO THE HEAD.
BUT THAT'S THE BEST WAY TO
TAKE IT. TAKE IT TO THE HEAD.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? COME
ON DOWN HERE, AND LET ME SHOW YOU.
UH, JUST LET HIM DO
IT, SENATOR. GO AHEAD.
NOW... NOW, WHAT YOU WANT
TO DO... COME AT ME, NOW.
COME OUT WITH YOUR BEST SHOT.
COME ON. WITH YOUR BEST SHOT. COME ON!
UH, HE CAUGHT ME WITH
ONE. IT WAS A RABBIT PUNCH.
I THINK... DON'T STOP
THE FIGHT, THOUGH.
DON'T STOP THE FIGHT. DON'T
STOP IT, MAN! I CAN GO ON!
DON'T STOP IT, MAN! DON'T
THROW THE TOWEL IN, MAN!
Y'ALL WANT A COKE OR
SPRITE OR SOMETHING?
'CAUSE IT'S A TWO-DRINK MINIMUM
IF YOU'RE SITTING IN THESE CHAIRS.
MR. WILLIAMS. I GOTTA
SEE SOME I.D. FROM Y'ALL.
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE HELPING YOUR
CAUSE BY DEMONSTRATING THIS KIND OF...
OH, YOU'RE TRYING TO... YOU'RE TRYING
TO DOG ME. YOU'RE TRYING TO DOG ME.
MR. WILLIAMS... WELL,
COME ON, MARCIA BRADY.
COME ON.
WELL, BASICALLY, THE
REASON THAT I DIDN'T HIT HER...
IS 'CAUSE I RESPECT
WOMEN AND, YOU KNOW,
THE WHOLE BOXING GOT MY HEAD
DIZZY, AND SHE CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD.
MR. WILLIAMS, YOU CLAIM THAT
BOXING'S BEEN VERY GOOD TO YOU.
YEAH, IN A SENSE. IN A SENSE.
BUT I HARDLY THINK
THAT YOUR REPORT,
LET ALONE YOUR RECORD,
SUPPORTS YOUR CLAIM.
OH, YEAH, I DO
HAVE A RECORD OUT.
IT'S CALLED, UH, CARL
"THE TOOTH" IN THE HOUSE.
AND IT'S LIKE...
♪ GOT TO CAKE YOUR ICING
GONNA GET ME SOME TYSON ♪
YOUR TESTIMONY'S BEEN VERY
HELPFUL AND VERY ENLIGHTENING.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME, AND
YOU'LL GET OUR DECISION LATER.
NO, THERE AIN'T GONNA BE NO
DECISION. NO, I GOT TO HAVE MINE.
THAT'S HOW THEY TOOK MY LAST FIGHT
FROM ME. IT AIN'T GONNA BE NO DECISION.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU SITTING THERE ALL BOURGEOIS...
UH, CHARLIE, PLEASE.
SITTING OVER THERE,
ALL BOURGEOIS... HEY, MAN!
GET UP OFF ME, MAN! GET
UP OFF... MY HEAD IS DIZZY.
IF YOU'RE A PIMP OFFENDED BY...
OUR DEPICTION OF
PANDERERS, PRESS 5-3-7-6.
IF YOU THINK DELTA BURKE IS EXACTLY
THE RIGHT WEIGHT, PRESS 5-3-7-7.
IF YOU'RE A PHYSICALLY-CHALLENGED
ESKIMO, PRESS 5-3-7-8.
IF YOU'RE A MILITARY PERSONNEL WHO
ENJOYS GOMER PYLE IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE,
PRESS 5-3-7-9.
NOW, THE BAD BOYS OF
COMEDY PRESENT TELEVISION'S...
HARDEST-WORKING STAFF AND CREW.
THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE IN LIVING
COLOR HAPPEN EACH WEEK...
WANT TO THANK YOU AND WISH YOU
A HAPPY, SAFE SUMMER VACATION.