In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 5, Episode 19 - Dirty Dozens Tournament of Champions - full transcript
The Wayans siblings present an African-American focused sketch comedy show.
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
- ♪ TAKE IT FROM ME
IT'S A'IGHT TO BE ♪
- HI-YAH!
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ AND HOW WOULD YA... HOW
WOULD YA... HOW WOULD YA F... ♪
♪ HOW WOULD YOU FEEL KNOWING
PREJUDICE WAS OBSOLETE ♪
♪ AND ALL MANKIND
DANCED TO THE EXACT BEAT ♪
♪ AND AT NIGHT IT WAS SAFE
TO WALK DOWN THE STREET ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪
ALL RIGHT, MR. HARRIS. ARE YOU READY
TO MAKE YOUR OPENING STATEMENT?
YES, I AM, YOUR HONOR.
MY CLIENT HAS FILED A
PATERNITY SUIT TO OBTAIN
CHILD SUPPORT FROM
THE FATHER OF THE CHILD.
AND WHERE IS THE ALLEGED
FATHER OF THE CHILD?
I WISH I COULD TELL YOU
THAT, YOUR HONOR, BUT...
YOUR HONOR, THIS IS THE
DEFENDANT, CARL "THE TOOTH" WILLIAMS.
MR. WILLIAMS, IS
THIS YOUR ATTORNEY?
NO, HE JUST HANGIN'.
- THEN ARE YOU
HANDLING YOURSELF?
- NOT RIGHT NOW.
IT'S KIND OF HARD TO GET TO
IT, YOU KNOW, WITH THE GLOVES.
MR. WILLIAMS, WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS,
WILL YOU BE ACTING AS YOUR OWN LAWYER?
WELL, AS THE FAMOUS
SCHOLAR LEON SPINKS HAS SAID,
"ANY BOXER WHO REPRESENTS
HIMSELF HAS A FOOL FOR A CLIENT."
- SO YOU WILL BE
REPRESENTING YOURSELF.
- BASICALLY.
YOUR HONOR, I'D LIKE TO CALL CARL
"THE TOOTH" WILLIAMS TO THE STAND...
WITHOUT JABBA THE HUT.
UH, PLEASE.
RAISE YOUR RIGHT HAND.
- UH...
- MR. WILLIAMS!
PLEASE RAISE YOUR RIGHT HAND!
OH. IT'S GREAT. IT'S GREAT.
YOUR OTHER RIGHT.
S... SKIP IT.
YOU PROMISE TO TELL THE
TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH
AND NOTHING BUT THE
TRUTH, SO HELP YOU, GOD?
IT'S ALL GOOD.
YOUR HONOR, I WILL PROVE THAT THIS
MAN WAS INTIMATE WITH MY CLIENT...
THE NIGHT OF MAY THE EIGHTH...
AT THE SNOOTY FOX
MOTEL ON CRENSHAW.
AH, SEE, THAT'S A LIE 'CAUSE, SEE,
THE SNOOTY FOX IS ON WESTERN.
NO, ACTUALLY, IT'S ON
VERMONT. PLEASE CONTINUE.
- I THOUGHT I SAW...
- CONTINUE.
UH, MR. WILLIAMS, MY CLIENT
WAS THE CARD GIRL AT YOUR BOUT...
AGAINST RAZOR RUDDOCK.
DO YOU RECOGNIZE
HER? UH, LOOK, MAN.
SOMETIME WITHIN THAT WHOLE
ROUND, I WAS KNOCKED INTO A COMA,
SO, YOU KNOW, I DON'T
REALLY... YOU KNOW.
AND WHEN DID YOU
COME OUT OF THAT COMA?
UH, VERY SOON, HOPEFULLY.
OKAY!
IF IT PLEASES THE COURT, I'D
LIKE TO SHOW YOU EXHIBIT "A."
"A" IS FOR APPLE,
"J" IS FOR JACK.
CINNAMON-TOASTED APPLE JACKS.
ORDER! GET TO THE POINT, PLEASE.
YOU NEED A GOOD BREAKFAST,
AND THAT WHERE IT'S AT. MR. HARRIS.
ALL RIGHT. IT STARTED
OFF WITH APPLE JACKS.
ALL RIGHT, NOW, LOOK.
THIS BRA WAS FOUND ON THE
FLOOR IN YOUR HOTEL ROOM.
EXPLAIN THAT TO US. CAN
YOU DO THAT? WELL, AFTER...
EXPLAIN IT, MAN! HEY,
BROTHER. IT'S ALL GOOD.
WELL, BASICALLY, SEE, WHAT HAD HAPPENED
WAS IS THAT WE RAN OUT OF COFFEE FILTERS,
AND I SAID, "HEY, LOOK. WHAT YOU DOING
WITH THAT AROUND YOUR CHEST, MIRIAM?"
SO WE USED THAT.
AND THEN I HAD TOLD HER
THAT MY NIPPLES HAD DILATED.
AND I NEEDED, UH...
I NEEDED... I NEEDED...
I NEEDED SOME CIRCUMFERENCE.
I WANT THE TRUTH!
YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TOOTH!
YOU WEEP FOR SANTIAGO BECAUSE
HE HAD NO CODE, HE HAD NO HONOR.
NOW, CAN I GO NOW?
MR. HARRIS, GET
ON TRACK, PLEASE.
IF IT PLEASES THE COURT,
I'D LIKE TO RE-CREATE...
THE EVENTS OF THAT EVENING.
IF IT PLEASE ME, I WOULD LIKE
FOR YOU TO "COLIFERATE"...
THE SAME, UH, "CRUSTINATION."
WILL THE PLAINTIFF PLEASE
APPROACH THE BENCH, PLEASE?
COME ON. YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
LIKE, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
IT'S THE NIGHT OF
MAY THE EIGHTH, 1992.
DAMN! I'M STILL WRITING
CHECKS AND PUTTIN' 1977 ON 'EM.
I KNEW THEY WERE SENDING
THE CHECKS BACK FOR SOME...
THE TWO OF YOU CHECK IN
TO THE SNOOTY FOX MOTEL.
- ANYWAY, URKEL.
- YOU WENT INTO THE...
YOUR HONOR, I WILL ADMIT THAT
URKEL IS ABOUT MY AGE NOW.
YOU WENT INTO THE SNOOTY FOX UNDER
THE NAME CARL "THE TOOTH" WILLIAMS.
AS YOU HAD MENTIONED, THAT IS RIDICULOUS!
WHY WOULD I MAKE UP A NAME LIKE THAT?
SIR, THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME.
IN THIS COUNTRY.
BESIDES THE FACT THAT YOU LOOK LIKE
YOU'VE BEEN CHEWING ON BLACK JELLY BEANS,
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED.
HE TOOK ME UP TO MY ROOM, AND
EVERYTHING HAPPENED SO QUICKLY.
I MEAN, THE WHOLE THING
LASTED MAYBE TWO MINUTES.
I WENT DOWN FOR A QUICK COUNT!
AFTER THE FIGHT IS WHAT THE
HELL WE'RE TALKIN' ABOUT HERE.
IS THAT WHAT WE TALKIN' ABOUT?
THAT'S WHAT WE TALKIN' ABOUT.
WELL, STEP ON. AT THE HOTEL!
WELL, AFTER THE FIGHT, YOU KNOW,
SHE WAS COMING AT ME PRETTY HARD.
SHE WAS HITTIN' BELOW THE BELT.
BUT I STUCK WITH MY "SCRAGEDY." I WAS
STICKIN' AND MOVIN', STICKIN' AND MOVIN'!
YEAH!
SO, FROM WHAT I CAN TELL,
HE IS ADMITTING THAT HE
HAD RELATIONS WITH MY CLIENT.
NO. WE JUST HAD SEX.
YOUR HONOR, I REST MY CASE.
ANYBODY IN THEIR RIGHT
MIND CAN SEE THAT THIS CHILD...
WAS FATHERED BY THE TOOTH.
OH, NO. SEE, THIS CAN'T BE MY CHILD
'CAUSE HIS JHERI CURL AIN'T WETTED DOWN.
IT'S ALL DRIED UP. HE AIN'T GOT NO
TEETH IN HIS HEAD. WHAT'S GOING ON?
HEY! COME ON, TOOTH!
I THINK HE GOT ME WITH A SUCKER
PUNCH, MAN. I NEED A REMATCH.
THIS IS RIDICULOUS! COME ON!
FROM THE MAKERS OF PHILADELPHIA,
THE STORY OF ONE MAN'S STRUGGLE
TO STAY OUT OF THE CLOSET...
SAN FRANCISCO.
MR. BECKETT, WE USED TO CONSIDER
YOU A TOP-FLIGHT ATTORNEY AT THIS FIRM.
WE'D GIVE YOU A JOB,
AND YOU'D GET RIGHT ON IT.
- BUT LATELY YOU'VE
BEEN CARELESS AND SLOPPY.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU MISPLACED THE FILES
FOR THE LIBERACE ESTATE!
LAST NIGHT YOU CLAIMED THAT YOU WERE
WITH A CLIENT, AND WE GOT PHOTOS OF YOU.
YOU CARE TO EXPLAIN THAT?
THAT'S MY FRIEND FRANK!
HE LOOKS GREAT IN A DRESS.
OH, REALLY? MAYBE
YOU'D LIKE TO EXPLAIN
THAT LITTLE WHITE MARK
THERE ON YOUR FINGER!
THAT'S WHERE I WEAR
MY COLLEGE RING.
ISN'T THAT THE TRADITIONAL
WEDDING RING FINGER OF A BREEDER?
BREEDER? BREEDER.
BREEDER, BREEDER.
BREEDER, BREEDER, BREEDER!
SING US THE FIRST-ACT
FINALE FROM PHANTOM!
- I CAN'T REMEMBER!
- OF COURSE YOU CAN'T REMEMBER
'CAUSE YOU NEVER SAW IT!
HOW MANY HETEROSEXUALS DOES
IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB?
- THAT'S NOT FUNNY!
- I TOLD YOU HE WAS STRAIGHT!
MR. BECKETT, YOUR SERVICES
ARE NO LONGER REQUIRED!
- ARE YOU SAYING I'M FIRED?
- BITCH, DID I STUTTER?
I NEED AN ATTORNEY.
I'VE BEEN FIRED BY MY LAW
FIRM... NELSON, TENDERLOIN
AND SUGARSTEIN.
I NEED SOMEONE WHO CAN THINK LIKE THEM,
GET INSIDE THEIR HEADS, PLAY THEIR GAMES.
SOMEONE LIKE YOU, RuPAUL.
- AM I THAT OBVIOUS?
- WELL, YEAH, KIND OF.
WELL, YOU'RE CUTE.
I'LL TAKE YOUR CASE.
THANK YOU.
LISTEN, WHAT WAS THE REAL REASON
WHY YOU THINK YOU GOT FIRED?
WELL, THEY FOUND
OUT I WAS STRAIGHT.
TOM HANKS AND RuPAUL
STARRING IN SAN FRANCISCO,
COMING OUT TO A
THEATER NEAR YOU.
♪♪ COME ON!
COME ON!
C-C-C-COME ON!
THIS... IS...
THE DIRTY DOZENS
TOURNAMENT OF CHAMPIONS!
NOW ENTERING OUR STUDIO,
A FIVE-TIME CHAMPION
FROM UPTOWN NEW YORK,
T-DOG JENKINS!
ANOTHER FIVE-TIME CHAMPION
FROM HOUSTON'S FIFTH WARD,
AMFENY CLARK.
AND LAST YEAR'S DIRTY
DOZENS TOURNAMENT CHAMPION,
FROM COMPTON, CALIFORNIA,
DAMIAN "FOOSBALL" FRANKLIN!
FOOSBALL RULES!
AND NOW THE HOST OF
DIRTY DOZENS, STU DUNFEY!
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
HELLO, AND WELCOME TO THE DIRTY
DOZENS TOURNAMENT OF CHAMPIONS.
WHAT'S UP, STU? T-DOG IN THE
HOUSE. HOW ARE YOU, MY FRIEND?
I JUST SEENS YOU LAST WEEK.
WE SEE YOU HERE EVERY
WEEK. HOW'S YOUR MOM?
SHE DOING FINE.
HOW'S THE COLITIS?
- HE ALL RIGHT.
- ALL RIGHTY.
WE ARE PRESENT AT
THE DIRTY DOZENS GAME
BOARD, WHERE TALKIN'
TRASH CAN GET YOU CASH,
AND YOU MIGHT BE THE
CHAMP IF YOUR MAMA'S A TRAMP.
NOW, LET'S LOOK
AT OUR CATEGORIES.
"YOUR MAMA'S SO BALD,"
"YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT,"
"MAMA'S SO STUPID"
AND "AMERICAN AUTHORS".
T-DOG, YOU WON THE
COIN TOSS. START US OFF.
I THINK I WILL TAKE "YOUR
MAMA'S SO STUPID" FOR 100.
LET'S HAVE A LOOK.
"YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID."
AMFENY.
YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID, SHE
TRIPPED OVER A CORDLESS PHONE.
AND YOU'RE ON THE
BOARD. PICK AGAIN.
HOW ABOUT "MAMA'S SO
FAT" FOR A HUNDRED, STU?
CLASSIC CATEGORY. "YOUR
MAMA'S SO FAT." T-DOG?
YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT, SHE LOOK
LIKE SHE'S SMUGGLIN' VOLKSWAGONS.
MAMA'S A BIG OLD GREASY HO!
ALL RIGHTY, T-DOG,
NEED A CATEGORY.
I THINK I WILL GO WITH "AMERICAN
AUTHORS" FOR 100, STUNESS.
NEW CATEGORY. BORN IN 1804, NATHANIEL
HAWTHORNE WROTE SUCH CLASSIC FICTION...
AS THE SCARLET LETTER AND
THE HOUSE OF THE SEVEN GABLES.
FOR $100, HOW STANK
WAS HIS MAMA? FOOSBALL.
NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE'S MOTHER
WAS SO STANK, SHE SWEATED BLACK FLAG.
CORRECT!
ALL EVEN AT A C-SPOT!
FOOSBALL, PICK A SQUARE!
I'LL TAKE "YOUR MOTHER'S
SO FAT" FOR 200, STU.
"YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT." T-DOG!
YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT,
SHE WAKES UP IN SECTIONS.
THE UNDERGROUND
DON'T STOP FOR HO'S.
LET'S GO WITH "YOUR
MAMA'S SO BALD" THEN.
FOR 200, "YOUR MAMA'S
SO BALD." FOOSBALL!
YOUR MOTHER'S SO BALD,
SHE BLOW-DRY HAIR LIKE THAT.
YES! FOOSBALL, PICK A CATEGORY!
UH, I'LL TAKE "AMERICAN
AUTHORS" FOR 200, STU.
ALL RIGHTY. LISTEN
CAREFULLY, FOOSBALL.
AUTHOR AND HUMORIST SAMUEL
CLEMENS WROTE THE CLASSIC TOM SAWYER...
UNDER HIS BETTER-KNOWN
PSEUDONYM.
WHAT WAS THAT PSEUDONYM,
AND HOW BIG WAS HIS MAMA'S BUTT?
AMFENY. YEAH.
MARK TWAIN, AND HIS
MAMA'S BUTT WAS SO BIG,
IF YOU PUT YOUR EAR UP TO
IT, YOU CAN HEAR THE OCEAN.
AND YOU HAVE
CONTROL OF THE BOARD.
I'LL TAKE "MAMA'S
SO FAT" FOR 300, STU!
T-DOG! BREAK 'EM OFF SOMETHIN'.
YOU TOO MUCH, MAN.
YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT, SHE GOT
STRETCH MARKS ON HER CLOTHES.
YES!
PICK ANOTHER!
OH! AND THAT'S THE
END OF THE FIRST ROUND.
LET'S REVEAL THE FINAL SQUARES
OF TONIGHT'S MYSTERY DIS.
GENTLEMEN, PEEP THIS!
FOOSBALL.
YOUR MOTHER'S SO FAT, THE BACK OF
HER NECK LOOK LIKE A PACK OF HOT DOGS.
YES, FOR 300!
FOOSBALL, YOU
AND T-DOG ARE TIED.
AMFENY, WE'LL SAY
GOOD-BYE TO YOU.
IT'S TIME FOR "YOUR MAMA'S
WHEEL OF SUDDEN DEATH."
IT'S TIME FOR "YOUR MAMA'S
WHEEL OF SUDDEN DEATH."
YOU KNOW THE RULES.
I SPIN THE WHEEL.
WHATEVER BODY PART IT LANDS ON, THAT'S
WHERE YOU HAVE TO DIRECT YOUR DIS. T-DOG!
"TEETH."
YOUR MAMA SO TOOTHLESS, IT
TAKES HER A HOUR TO EAT MINUTE RICE.
FOOSBALL, YOUR TURN!
"EYES."
YOUR MAMA'S SO BLIND, SHE GOT EYES
ON HER BUTT AND STILL CAN'T SEE SQUAT.
NO! I'M SORRY, FOOSBALL.
YOU USED THE WORD "EYES," BUT
TECHNICALLY THAT'S A BUTT DIS.
AND THAT MAKES T-DOG OUR WINNER!
CONGRATULATIONS, T-DOG.
YOU'VE CERTAINLY COME A LONG WAY.
NOW, YOU CAN STOP HERE AND
TAKE HOME YOUR WINNINGS...
OR FACE THE FINAL TEST AND BECOME
A TRUE DIRTY DOZENS GRAND MASTER.
ARE YOU WILLING TO RISK IT ALL, DOUBLE
OR NOTHING, AND GO FOR GREATNESS?
I THINK I'LL GO IT. HE'LL
GO FOR IT! ALL RIGHT!
THAT MEANS YOU'LL
BE FACING OFF WITH THE
ALL-TIME DIRTY DOZENS
HALL OF FAME CHAMPION,
ED O'NEILL!
DOWN!
WHO IS THIS LOSER?
OH, YOU TRYIN' TO
STEP TO ME, HUH?
HEY, I HAVE A GIRL
WHO DOES THAT FOR ME.
YEAH, COME ON,
CHRISTY LOVE. WHOA!
BACK OFF, NITRO!
T-DOG, CHILL! U-N-I-T-Y.
LOVED YOU IN COFFEE.
SHES A ROUGH CHICK.
YOU'LL HAVE TO SETTLE YOUR
DIFFERENCES ON THE FIELD OF DOZENS.
T-DOG, YOU'VE GOT 60 SECONDS TO
DIS OUR CHAMPION'S MAMA SO BADLY,
HE GETS HIS BUTT OUT OF THE
ROYAL BARCALOUNGER CHAIR.
THIS IS FOR THE CHAMPIONSHIP.
SIXTY SECONDS ON THE CLOCK.
READY? BEGIN.
YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT, SHE GOT A JOB AT
MAGIC MOUNTAIN PUSHIN' THE BUCCANEER.
YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT, AFTER
SEX SHE SMOKES TURKEYS.
SHE'S SO FAT, AFTER
MAKING LOVE TO HER,
I ROLL OVER TWICE
AND I'M STILL ON HER.
YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID, SHE WAS FILLIN' OUT
A JOB APPLICATION THAT SAID "SIGN HERE,"
AND SHE PUT "SAGITTARIUS."
WELL, YOUR MAMA'S SO UGLY,
TED DANSON WOULDN'T DATE HER.
YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT, SHE
PLAYS HOPSCOTCH LIKE THIS...
L.A., CHICAGO, DETROIT, HOP.
YOUR MAMA IS SO STUPID,
SHE GAVE YOUR UNCLE...
'CAUSE HE SAID IT WOULD
HELP HIS UNEMPLOYMENT.
YEAH? YOUR MAMA'S
GLASSES SO THICK,
WHEN SHE LOOKS AT A MAP,
SHE CAN SEE PEOPLE WAVING!
AND YOUR MAMA'S NOSE IS SO BIG, YOU
CAN GO BOWLING WITH HER BOOGERS.
AND YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT, BEFORE
GOD SAID, "LET THERE BE LIGHT,"
HE TOLD HER, "MOVE YOUR
BIG BUTT OUT OF THE WAY!"
I'M GONNA KILL YOU
FOR THAT ONE, MAN.
LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, THE CHAMPION
MAINTAINS HIS THRONE!
CONGRATULATIONS!
LADIES, SEND HIM HOME TO
HIS BIG, FAT, STINKIN' MAMA.
WE DON'T LOVE THEM HO'S.
THAT'S ALL THE TIME
WE HAVE FOR TONIGHT.
JOIN US NEXT TIME
ON THE DIRTY DOZENS!
YOU KNOW, A LOT OF TIMES
WE LIKE TO DO THESE CLOSINGS...
AND DO JOKES AND BE CRAZY, MAN.
I JUST WANT TO SAY, I LOVE YOU
GUYS. THANKS FOR SUPPORTIN' ME.
I LOVE EACH AND EVERY
ONE OF YOU. GOOD NIGHT!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
- ♪ TAKE IT FROM ME
IT'S A'IGHT TO BE ♪
- HI-YAH!
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ AND HOW WOULD YA... HOW
WOULD YA... HOW WOULD YA F... ♪
♪ HOW WOULD YOU FEEL KNOWING
PREJUDICE WAS OBSOLETE ♪
♪ AND ALL MANKIND
DANCED TO THE EXACT BEAT ♪
♪ AND AT NIGHT IT WAS SAFE
TO WALK DOWN THE STREET ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪
ALL RIGHT, MR. HARRIS. ARE YOU READY
TO MAKE YOUR OPENING STATEMENT?
YES, I AM, YOUR HONOR.
MY CLIENT HAS FILED A
PATERNITY SUIT TO OBTAIN
CHILD SUPPORT FROM
THE FATHER OF THE CHILD.
AND WHERE IS THE ALLEGED
FATHER OF THE CHILD?
I WISH I COULD TELL YOU
THAT, YOUR HONOR, BUT...
YOUR HONOR, THIS IS THE
DEFENDANT, CARL "THE TOOTH" WILLIAMS.
MR. WILLIAMS, IS
THIS YOUR ATTORNEY?
NO, HE JUST HANGIN'.
- THEN ARE YOU
HANDLING YOURSELF?
- NOT RIGHT NOW.
IT'S KIND OF HARD TO GET TO
IT, YOU KNOW, WITH THE GLOVES.
MR. WILLIAMS, WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS,
WILL YOU BE ACTING AS YOUR OWN LAWYER?
WELL, AS THE FAMOUS
SCHOLAR LEON SPINKS HAS SAID,
"ANY BOXER WHO REPRESENTS
HIMSELF HAS A FOOL FOR A CLIENT."
- SO YOU WILL BE
REPRESENTING YOURSELF.
- BASICALLY.
YOUR HONOR, I'D LIKE TO CALL CARL
"THE TOOTH" WILLIAMS TO THE STAND...
WITHOUT JABBA THE HUT.
UH, PLEASE.
RAISE YOUR RIGHT HAND.
- UH...
- MR. WILLIAMS!
PLEASE RAISE YOUR RIGHT HAND!
OH. IT'S GREAT. IT'S GREAT.
YOUR OTHER RIGHT.
S... SKIP IT.
YOU PROMISE TO TELL THE
TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH
AND NOTHING BUT THE
TRUTH, SO HELP YOU, GOD?
IT'S ALL GOOD.
YOUR HONOR, I WILL PROVE THAT THIS
MAN WAS INTIMATE WITH MY CLIENT...
THE NIGHT OF MAY THE EIGHTH...
AT THE SNOOTY FOX
MOTEL ON CRENSHAW.
AH, SEE, THAT'S A LIE 'CAUSE, SEE,
THE SNOOTY FOX IS ON WESTERN.
NO, ACTUALLY, IT'S ON
VERMONT. PLEASE CONTINUE.
- I THOUGHT I SAW...
- CONTINUE.
UH, MR. WILLIAMS, MY CLIENT
WAS THE CARD GIRL AT YOUR BOUT...
AGAINST RAZOR RUDDOCK.
DO YOU RECOGNIZE
HER? UH, LOOK, MAN.
SOMETIME WITHIN THAT WHOLE
ROUND, I WAS KNOCKED INTO A COMA,
SO, YOU KNOW, I DON'T
REALLY... YOU KNOW.
AND WHEN DID YOU
COME OUT OF THAT COMA?
UH, VERY SOON, HOPEFULLY.
OKAY!
IF IT PLEASES THE COURT, I'D
LIKE TO SHOW YOU EXHIBIT "A."
"A" IS FOR APPLE,
"J" IS FOR JACK.
CINNAMON-TOASTED APPLE JACKS.
ORDER! GET TO THE POINT, PLEASE.
YOU NEED A GOOD BREAKFAST,
AND THAT WHERE IT'S AT. MR. HARRIS.
ALL RIGHT. IT STARTED
OFF WITH APPLE JACKS.
ALL RIGHT, NOW, LOOK.
THIS BRA WAS FOUND ON THE
FLOOR IN YOUR HOTEL ROOM.
EXPLAIN THAT TO US. CAN
YOU DO THAT? WELL, AFTER...
EXPLAIN IT, MAN! HEY,
BROTHER. IT'S ALL GOOD.
WELL, BASICALLY, SEE, WHAT HAD HAPPENED
WAS IS THAT WE RAN OUT OF COFFEE FILTERS,
AND I SAID, "HEY, LOOK. WHAT YOU DOING
WITH THAT AROUND YOUR CHEST, MIRIAM?"
SO WE USED THAT.
AND THEN I HAD TOLD HER
THAT MY NIPPLES HAD DILATED.
AND I NEEDED, UH...
I NEEDED... I NEEDED...
I NEEDED SOME CIRCUMFERENCE.
I WANT THE TRUTH!
YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TOOTH!
YOU WEEP FOR SANTIAGO BECAUSE
HE HAD NO CODE, HE HAD NO HONOR.
NOW, CAN I GO NOW?
MR. HARRIS, GET
ON TRACK, PLEASE.
IF IT PLEASES THE COURT,
I'D LIKE TO RE-CREATE...
THE EVENTS OF THAT EVENING.
IF IT PLEASE ME, I WOULD LIKE
FOR YOU TO "COLIFERATE"...
THE SAME, UH, "CRUSTINATION."
WILL THE PLAINTIFF PLEASE
APPROACH THE BENCH, PLEASE?
COME ON. YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
LIKE, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
IT'S THE NIGHT OF
MAY THE EIGHTH, 1992.
DAMN! I'M STILL WRITING
CHECKS AND PUTTIN' 1977 ON 'EM.
I KNEW THEY WERE SENDING
THE CHECKS BACK FOR SOME...
THE TWO OF YOU CHECK IN
TO THE SNOOTY FOX MOTEL.
- ANYWAY, URKEL.
- YOU WENT INTO THE...
YOUR HONOR, I WILL ADMIT THAT
URKEL IS ABOUT MY AGE NOW.
YOU WENT INTO THE SNOOTY FOX UNDER
THE NAME CARL "THE TOOTH" WILLIAMS.
AS YOU HAD MENTIONED, THAT IS RIDICULOUS!
WHY WOULD I MAKE UP A NAME LIKE THAT?
SIR, THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME.
IN THIS COUNTRY.
BESIDES THE FACT THAT YOU LOOK LIKE
YOU'VE BEEN CHEWING ON BLACK JELLY BEANS,
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED.
HE TOOK ME UP TO MY ROOM, AND
EVERYTHING HAPPENED SO QUICKLY.
I MEAN, THE WHOLE THING
LASTED MAYBE TWO MINUTES.
I WENT DOWN FOR A QUICK COUNT!
AFTER THE FIGHT IS WHAT THE
HELL WE'RE TALKIN' ABOUT HERE.
IS THAT WHAT WE TALKIN' ABOUT?
THAT'S WHAT WE TALKIN' ABOUT.
WELL, STEP ON. AT THE HOTEL!
WELL, AFTER THE FIGHT, YOU KNOW,
SHE WAS COMING AT ME PRETTY HARD.
SHE WAS HITTIN' BELOW THE BELT.
BUT I STUCK WITH MY "SCRAGEDY." I WAS
STICKIN' AND MOVIN', STICKIN' AND MOVIN'!
YEAH!
SO, FROM WHAT I CAN TELL,
HE IS ADMITTING THAT HE
HAD RELATIONS WITH MY CLIENT.
NO. WE JUST HAD SEX.
YOUR HONOR, I REST MY CASE.
ANYBODY IN THEIR RIGHT
MIND CAN SEE THAT THIS CHILD...
WAS FATHERED BY THE TOOTH.
OH, NO. SEE, THIS CAN'T BE MY CHILD
'CAUSE HIS JHERI CURL AIN'T WETTED DOWN.
IT'S ALL DRIED UP. HE AIN'T GOT NO
TEETH IN HIS HEAD. WHAT'S GOING ON?
HEY! COME ON, TOOTH!
I THINK HE GOT ME WITH A SUCKER
PUNCH, MAN. I NEED A REMATCH.
THIS IS RIDICULOUS! COME ON!
FROM THE MAKERS OF PHILADELPHIA,
THE STORY OF ONE MAN'S STRUGGLE
TO STAY OUT OF THE CLOSET...
SAN FRANCISCO.
MR. BECKETT, WE USED TO CONSIDER
YOU A TOP-FLIGHT ATTORNEY AT THIS FIRM.
WE'D GIVE YOU A JOB,
AND YOU'D GET RIGHT ON IT.
- BUT LATELY YOU'VE
BEEN CARELESS AND SLOPPY.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU MISPLACED THE FILES
FOR THE LIBERACE ESTATE!
LAST NIGHT YOU CLAIMED THAT YOU WERE
WITH A CLIENT, AND WE GOT PHOTOS OF YOU.
YOU CARE TO EXPLAIN THAT?
THAT'S MY FRIEND FRANK!
HE LOOKS GREAT IN A DRESS.
OH, REALLY? MAYBE
YOU'D LIKE TO EXPLAIN
THAT LITTLE WHITE MARK
THERE ON YOUR FINGER!
THAT'S WHERE I WEAR
MY COLLEGE RING.
ISN'T THAT THE TRADITIONAL
WEDDING RING FINGER OF A BREEDER?
BREEDER? BREEDER.
BREEDER, BREEDER.
BREEDER, BREEDER, BREEDER!
SING US THE FIRST-ACT
FINALE FROM PHANTOM!
- I CAN'T REMEMBER!
- OF COURSE YOU CAN'T REMEMBER
'CAUSE YOU NEVER SAW IT!
HOW MANY HETEROSEXUALS DOES
IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB?
- THAT'S NOT FUNNY!
- I TOLD YOU HE WAS STRAIGHT!
MR. BECKETT, YOUR SERVICES
ARE NO LONGER REQUIRED!
- ARE YOU SAYING I'M FIRED?
- BITCH, DID I STUTTER?
I NEED AN ATTORNEY.
I'VE BEEN FIRED BY MY LAW
FIRM... NELSON, TENDERLOIN
AND SUGARSTEIN.
I NEED SOMEONE WHO CAN THINK LIKE THEM,
GET INSIDE THEIR HEADS, PLAY THEIR GAMES.
SOMEONE LIKE YOU, RuPAUL.
- AM I THAT OBVIOUS?
- WELL, YEAH, KIND OF.
WELL, YOU'RE CUTE.
I'LL TAKE YOUR CASE.
THANK YOU.
LISTEN, WHAT WAS THE REAL REASON
WHY YOU THINK YOU GOT FIRED?
WELL, THEY FOUND
OUT I WAS STRAIGHT.
TOM HANKS AND RuPAUL
STARRING IN SAN FRANCISCO,
COMING OUT TO A
THEATER NEAR YOU.
♪♪ COME ON!
COME ON!
C-C-C-COME ON!
THIS... IS...
THE DIRTY DOZENS
TOURNAMENT OF CHAMPIONS!
NOW ENTERING OUR STUDIO,
A FIVE-TIME CHAMPION
FROM UPTOWN NEW YORK,
T-DOG JENKINS!
ANOTHER FIVE-TIME CHAMPION
FROM HOUSTON'S FIFTH WARD,
AMFENY CLARK.
AND LAST YEAR'S DIRTY
DOZENS TOURNAMENT CHAMPION,
FROM COMPTON, CALIFORNIA,
DAMIAN "FOOSBALL" FRANKLIN!
FOOSBALL RULES!
AND NOW THE HOST OF
DIRTY DOZENS, STU DUNFEY!
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
HELLO, AND WELCOME TO THE DIRTY
DOZENS TOURNAMENT OF CHAMPIONS.
WHAT'S UP, STU? T-DOG IN THE
HOUSE. HOW ARE YOU, MY FRIEND?
I JUST SEENS YOU LAST WEEK.
WE SEE YOU HERE EVERY
WEEK. HOW'S YOUR MOM?
SHE DOING FINE.
HOW'S THE COLITIS?
- HE ALL RIGHT.
- ALL RIGHTY.
WE ARE PRESENT AT
THE DIRTY DOZENS GAME
BOARD, WHERE TALKIN'
TRASH CAN GET YOU CASH,
AND YOU MIGHT BE THE
CHAMP IF YOUR MAMA'S A TRAMP.
NOW, LET'S LOOK
AT OUR CATEGORIES.
"YOUR MAMA'S SO BALD,"
"YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT,"
"MAMA'S SO STUPID"
AND "AMERICAN AUTHORS".
T-DOG, YOU WON THE
COIN TOSS. START US OFF.
I THINK I WILL TAKE "YOUR
MAMA'S SO STUPID" FOR 100.
LET'S HAVE A LOOK.
"YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID."
AMFENY.
YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID, SHE
TRIPPED OVER A CORDLESS PHONE.
AND YOU'RE ON THE
BOARD. PICK AGAIN.
HOW ABOUT "MAMA'S SO
FAT" FOR A HUNDRED, STU?
CLASSIC CATEGORY. "YOUR
MAMA'S SO FAT." T-DOG?
YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT, SHE LOOK
LIKE SHE'S SMUGGLIN' VOLKSWAGONS.
MAMA'S A BIG OLD GREASY HO!
ALL RIGHTY, T-DOG,
NEED A CATEGORY.
I THINK I WILL GO WITH "AMERICAN
AUTHORS" FOR 100, STUNESS.
NEW CATEGORY. BORN IN 1804, NATHANIEL
HAWTHORNE WROTE SUCH CLASSIC FICTION...
AS THE SCARLET LETTER AND
THE HOUSE OF THE SEVEN GABLES.
FOR $100, HOW STANK
WAS HIS MAMA? FOOSBALL.
NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE'S MOTHER
WAS SO STANK, SHE SWEATED BLACK FLAG.
CORRECT!
ALL EVEN AT A C-SPOT!
FOOSBALL, PICK A SQUARE!
I'LL TAKE "YOUR MOTHER'S
SO FAT" FOR 200, STU.
"YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT." T-DOG!
YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT,
SHE WAKES UP IN SECTIONS.
THE UNDERGROUND
DON'T STOP FOR HO'S.
LET'S GO WITH "YOUR
MAMA'S SO BALD" THEN.
FOR 200, "YOUR MAMA'S
SO BALD." FOOSBALL!
YOUR MOTHER'S SO BALD,
SHE BLOW-DRY HAIR LIKE THAT.
YES! FOOSBALL, PICK A CATEGORY!
UH, I'LL TAKE "AMERICAN
AUTHORS" FOR 200, STU.
ALL RIGHTY. LISTEN
CAREFULLY, FOOSBALL.
AUTHOR AND HUMORIST SAMUEL
CLEMENS WROTE THE CLASSIC TOM SAWYER...
UNDER HIS BETTER-KNOWN
PSEUDONYM.
WHAT WAS THAT PSEUDONYM,
AND HOW BIG WAS HIS MAMA'S BUTT?
AMFENY. YEAH.
MARK TWAIN, AND HIS
MAMA'S BUTT WAS SO BIG,
IF YOU PUT YOUR EAR UP TO
IT, YOU CAN HEAR THE OCEAN.
AND YOU HAVE
CONTROL OF THE BOARD.
I'LL TAKE "MAMA'S
SO FAT" FOR 300, STU!
T-DOG! BREAK 'EM OFF SOMETHIN'.
YOU TOO MUCH, MAN.
YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT, SHE GOT
STRETCH MARKS ON HER CLOTHES.
YES!
PICK ANOTHER!
OH! AND THAT'S THE
END OF THE FIRST ROUND.
LET'S REVEAL THE FINAL SQUARES
OF TONIGHT'S MYSTERY DIS.
GENTLEMEN, PEEP THIS!
FOOSBALL.
YOUR MOTHER'S SO FAT, THE BACK OF
HER NECK LOOK LIKE A PACK OF HOT DOGS.
YES, FOR 300!
FOOSBALL, YOU
AND T-DOG ARE TIED.
AMFENY, WE'LL SAY
GOOD-BYE TO YOU.
IT'S TIME FOR "YOUR MAMA'S
WHEEL OF SUDDEN DEATH."
IT'S TIME FOR "YOUR MAMA'S
WHEEL OF SUDDEN DEATH."
YOU KNOW THE RULES.
I SPIN THE WHEEL.
WHATEVER BODY PART IT LANDS ON, THAT'S
WHERE YOU HAVE TO DIRECT YOUR DIS. T-DOG!
"TEETH."
YOUR MAMA SO TOOTHLESS, IT
TAKES HER A HOUR TO EAT MINUTE RICE.
FOOSBALL, YOUR TURN!
"EYES."
YOUR MAMA'S SO BLIND, SHE GOT EYES
ON HER BUTT AND STILL CAN'T SEE SQUAT.
NO! I'M SORRY, FOOSBALL.
YOU USED THE WORD "EYES," BUT
TECHNICALLY THAT'S A BUTT DIS.
AND THAT MAKES T-DOG OUR WINNER!
CONGRATULATIONS, T-DOG.
YOU'VE CERTAINLY COME A LONG WAY.
NOW, YOU CAN STOP HERE AND
TAKE HOME YOUR WINNINGS...
OR FACE THE FINAL TEST AND BECOME
A TRUE DIRTY DOZENS GRAND MASTER.
ARE YOU WILLING TO RISK IT ALL, DOUBLE
OR NOTHING, AND GO FOR GREATNESS?
I THINK I'LL GO IT. HE'LL
GO FOR IT! ALL RIGHT!
THAT MEANS YOU'LL
BE FACING OFF WITH THE
ALL-TIME DIRTY DOZENS
HALL OF FAME CHAMPION,
ED O'NEILL!
DOWN!
WHO IS THIS LOSER?
OH, YOU TRYIN' TO
STEP TO ME, HUH?
HEY, I HAVE A GIRL
WHO DOES THAT FOR ME.
YEAH, COME ON,
CHRISTY LOVE. WHOA!
BACK OFF, NITRO!
T-DOG, CHILL! U-N-I-T-Y.
LOVED YOU IN COFFEE.
SHES A ROUGH CHICK.
YOU'LL HAVE TO SETTLE YOUR
DIFFERENCES ON THE FIELD OF DOZENS.
T-DOG, YOU'VE GOT 60 SECONDS TO
DIS OUR CHAMPION'S MAMA SO BADLY,
HE GETS HIS BUTT OUT OF THE
ROYAL BARCALOUNGER CHAIR.
THIS IS FOR THE CHAMPIONSHIP.
SIXTY SECONDS ON THE CLOCK.
READY? BEGIN.
YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT, SHE GOT A JOB AT
MAGIC MOUNTAIN PUSHIN' THE BUCCANEER.
YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT, AFTER
SEX SHE SMOKES TURKEYS.
SHE'S SO FAT, AFTER
MAKING LOVE TO HER,
I ROLL OVER TWICE
AND I'M STILL ON HER.
YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID, SHE WAS FILLIN' OUT
A JOB APPLICATION THAT SAID "SIGN HERE,"
AND SHE PUT "SAGITTARIUS."
WELL, YOUR MAMA'S SO UGLY,
TED DANSON WOULDN'T DATE HER.
YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT, SHE
PLAYS HOPSCOTCH LIKE THIS...
L.A., CHICAGO, DETROIT, HOP.
YOUR MAMA IS SO STUPID,
SHE GAVE YOUR UNCLE...
'CAUSE HE SAID IT WOULD
HELP HIS UNEMPLOYMENT.
YEAH? YOUR MAMA'S
GLASSES SO THICK,
WHEN SHE LOOKS AT A MAP,
SHE CAN SEE PEOPLE WAVING!
AND YOUR MAMA'S NOSE IS SO BIG, YOU
CAN GO BOWLING WITH HER BOOGERS.
AND YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT, BEFORE
GOD SAID, "LET THERE BE LIGHT,"
HE TOLD HER, "MOVE YOUR
BIG BUTT OUT OF THE WAY!"
I'M GONNA KILL YOU
FOR THAT ONE, MAN.
LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, THE CHAMPION
MAINTAINS HIS THRONE!
CONGRATULATIONS!
LADIES, SEND HIM HOME TO
HIS BIG, FAT, STINKIN' MAMA.
WE DON'T LOVE THEM HO'S.
THAT'S ALL THE TIME
WE HAVE FOR TONIGHT.
JOIN US NEXT TIME
ON THE DIRTY DOZENS!
YOU KNOW, A LOT OF TIMES
WE LIKE TO DO THESE CLOSINGS...
AND DO JOKES AND BE CRAZY, MAN.
I JUST WANT TO SAY, I LOVE YOU
GUYS. THANKS FOR SUPPORTIN' ME.
I LOVE EACH AND EVERY
ONE OF YOU. GOOD NIGHT!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪