In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 5, Episode 18 - Mrs. Ikefire - full transcript

[Doorbell Rings]

I THINK THAT'S YOUR
NEW NANNY, KIDS.

[Man Announcing] MOVE OVER, MRS.
DOUBTFIRE. THERE'S A NEW BROTHER IN TOWN,

AND HE'S READY TO
DO SOME BUTT-KICKING.

WHAT THE PROBLEM
IS! IT'S IKE TURNER IN...

MRS. IKEFIRE!

HE'S OUT OF WORK, OUT OF MONEY
AND JUST PLAIN OUT OF HIS MIND!

YOU MUST BE MRS.
IKEFIRE. I'M TINA.

OH, NOW, YOU MUST THINK MRS.
IKEFIRE DON'T KNOW WHO YOU IS.

I MEAN, OF COURSE
I KNOW WHO YOU IS.

YOU USED TO SING WITH THAT
HANDSOME IKE TURNER FELLA, DIDN'T YOU?



YES, WELL, THAT
WAS A LONG TIME AGO.

I'VE SUNG A LOT OF
SONGS SINCE THEN.

MM-HMM. AND AIN'T NONE
OF 'EM NO GOOD NEITHER.

'CAUSE YOU AIN'T GOT
NO STANK ON 'EM, SEE?

NOW, WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IS GO
ON BACK TO THAT HANDSOME DEVIL.

DEVIL IS RIGHT. MRS. IKEFIRE,

COULD YOU WATCH THE
CHILDREN WHILE I GO TO THE GYM?

I NEED TO KEEP MY LEGS IN SHAPE.

YEAH, I BET IKE COULD WORK THEM
THIGHS. YOU EYEBALLIN' ME, BOY?

YOU SURE HAVE A LOT OF
FACIAL HAIR FOR A OLD WOMAN.

NOW, YOU WATCH YOUR SMART TALK, SON.
YOU THINK YOU CAN MAKE A JOKE OUTTA ME?

I'M GONNA TEACH
YOU 'BOUT RESPECT!

WOW, THOSE KNUCKLES
LOOK FAMILIAR.

WELL, NOW, MRS. TURNER, I'M GONNA
TAKE THAT AS A COMPLIMENT. THANK YOU.



SMELL LIKE FREEBASE.

OH, MY GOD! YOU'RE ON FIRE!

DON'T YOU THINK MRS.
IKEFIRE KNOW THAT?

THAT WHAT THE PROBLEM
IS! HELP ME! HELP!

MRS. IKEFIRE NEEDS SOME
HELP! HELP! YOU STEPPIN' TO ME?

DON'T BE HITTIN' ON MRS.
IKEFIRE, LADY! I'LL TEACH YOU, TINA.

♪ ROLLIN', ROLLIN' ♪

HELLO, MRS. IKEFIRE.
THIS IS MY KITTY CAT, COKIE.

COKE? WHO SAID
SOMETHIN' ABOUT COKE?

- [Snorting]
- YOU SNORTED MY KITTY CAT.

THAT WAS PURE, UNCUT KITTY CAT.

MOM!

[Snorts] WHAT THE PROBLEM IS!

[Grunts] Y'ALL AIN'T
DOIN' IT RIGHT.

YOU GOT TO SCRUB
LIKE YOU MEAN IT.

DEEP DOWN FROM YOUR GUT.
YOU GOT TO PUT SOME STANK ON IT.

[Announcer] MRS. IKEFIRE. COMING
SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU.

- [Laughing]
- ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪

♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪

- ♪ TAKE IT FROM ME
IT'S A'IGHT TO BE ♪
- HI-YAH!

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ AND HOW WOULD YA... HOW
WOULD YA... HOW WOULD YA F... ♪

♪ HOW WOULD YOU FEEL KNOWING
PREJUDICE WAS OBSOLETE ♪

♪ AND ALL MANKIND
DANCED TO THE EXACT BEAT ♪

[Echoing] ♪ AND AT NIGHT IT WAS
SAFE TO WALK DOWN THE STREET ♪

♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WAN...
WAN... WAN... ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

[Turntable Scratching]
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪

[Laughing]

[Man Announcing] LIVE
FROM THE INNER CITY,

IT'S THE EAST HOLLYWOOD SQUARES.

WITH OPRAH WINFREY,
JAMES EARL JONES,

BOBBY McFERRIN, ROSIE PEREZ,

PAM GRIER, DIANA ROSS,

MARTIN LAWRENCE, MARTIN
LAWRENCE'S BODYGUARD,

WILLIE TYLER WITHOUT LESTER.

AND NOW THE HOST OF
EAST HOLLYWOOD SQUARES,

PETER MARSHALL!

WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

HELLO AND WELCOME TO THE EAST
HOLLYWOOD SQUARES. HELLO, STARS.

[All Shouting Greetings]

I WANT YOU TO MEET OUR
PLAYERS. FIRST, SANDY WALLACE.

SANDY, YOU'RE A
HOMEMAKER. IS THAT RIGHT?

YES, I MAKE HOMES. THAT'S NICE.

AND DENNIS BEERY HERE.

HE WAS ONE OF THE ORIGINAL ENGINEERS
ON THE SANTA MONICA FREEWAY. THAT'S NICE.

THAT'S CORRECT. WE HAD A LITTLE
TROUBLE RECENTLY, BUT WE'RE WORKIN' IT OUT.

OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL. YOU WON THE
TOSS BACKSTAGE. THAT MEANS YOU'LL START.

BUT FIRST LET'S SHOW OUR HOME
AUDIENCE THE SECRET SQUARE.

WATCH THIS.

ALL RIGHT. NOW PICK A STAR.

ALL RIGHT, PETER, I WOULD LIKE
TO START OFF WITH OPRAH WINFREY.

- HI, OPRAH.
- HI, PETER.

[Laughs] HERE'S YOUR QUESTION,
DEAR. LISTEN CAREFULLY.

WHAT ARE THE INGREDIENTS...
THE INGREDIENTS OF A COBB SALAD?

HOLD ON.

[Retching]

OKAY, PETER. YEAH?

I'LL HAVE TO SAY, UH, LETTUCE,

UH, BACON... MM-HMM.

AND, UH, BLUE CHEESE...

AND, UH, HOLD ON.

[Burps]

AVOCADO.

SOUNDS YUMMY. WELL, DENNIS,
DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE?

I WOULD HAVE TO AGREE. UH-HUH.

[Bell Dings] "X"
GETS THE SQUARE.

ALL RIGHT, SANDY WALLACE, IT'S
YOUR, UH, TURN TO PICK A STAR.

I'D LIKE TO TAKE BOBBY McFERRIN,
PLEASE. ALL RIGHT. BOBBY...

♪♪ [Singing Nonsense]

WOULD YOU DO ME A
FAVOR AND JUST SHUT UP?

WHO WAS THE FIRST PERSON
TO SIGN THE U.S. CONSTITUTION?

♪♪ [Singing Nonsense]

UH, BOBBY SAYS...
♪♪ [Singing Nonsense]

YOU HEARD THE MAN. DO
YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE?

UM, I THINK I DISAGREE.
GOOD FOR YOU.

[Bell Dings] CIRCLE GETS
THE SQUARE. ALL RIGHTY.

NOW, UH, OVER TO YOU, DENNIS.

I WOULD LIKE TO TRY THAT
JAMES EARL JONES FELLA.

SAY, UH, JAMES EARL, I UNDERSTAND YOU'VE
ADDED A NEW DIMENSION TO YOUR RÉSUMÉ.

THAT IS CORRECT, PETER.
I HAVE A NEW CAREER...

AS AN IMPRESSIONIST, AND
I'M TAKING MY ACT TO VEGAS.

OH, REALLY? COULD WE HEAR A LITTLE
OF WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO BE DOING?

WHY, CERTAINLY.
FIRST TWEETY BIRD.

[Clears Throat]

I "TOUGHT" I "TAW"
A "PUTTY" CAT.

THAT'S TERRIFIC. CAN WE
HEAR SOMETHING ELSE?

AND NOW... LUCILLE BALL.

[Peter] LUCILLE
BALL. [Clears Throat]

RICKY, I WANT TO BE
IN YOUR SHOW. WAAH.

UH, DENNIS, COULD YOU DO US A
FAVOR AND PICK SOMEBODY ELSE?

ALL RIGHTY. I WOULD LIKE TO
GO UP TO THE SECOND TIER...

AND THE BEAUTIFUL ROSIE PEREZ.

ROSIE PEREZ. OKAY, ROSIE.

ROSIE, IN BIOLOGY... IN
BIOLOGY, WHAT IS A BIVALENT?

HOW THE... [Beeps] AM I SUPPOSED
TO KNOW THIS... [Beeps] PETER?

WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE... A...
[Beeps] ROCKET SCIENTIST?

IS THAT WHAT I LOOK LIKE?
JUST BECAUSE I GOT... [Beeps]

YOU THINK YOU CAN MAKE
ME LOOK LIKE A... [Beeps] IDIOT?

YOU LITTLE... [Beeps]

UH, ROSIE, I DON'T WRITE
THEM. I JUST READ THEM.

WE'RE JUST LOOKING FOR
THE DEFINITION OF A BIVALENT.

A BIVALENT? YES.

[Beeps] OKAY, I'M GONNA
SAY A BIVALENT IS A PAIR...

OF HOMOLOGOUS SYNAPSE CHROMOSOMES
ASSOCIATED TOGETHER DURING MEIOSIS.

I DISAGREE. [Buzzer Buzzes]

TERRIBLY SORRY. NO,
NO. ROSIE WAS RIGHT.

[Beeps] YOU DIDN'T TRUST
ME? YOU STUPID... [Beeps]

SANDY, YOUR TURN.
AND PICK A STAR.

I'LL GO WITH MARTIN
LAWRENCE TO WIN.

[Bell Ringing]

DAMN! I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'M THE SECRET SQUARE!

WHAT'S UP? OH, MY GOODNESS.

OH, MY GOODNESS.
OH, MY GOODNESS.

[Blows Raspberry] EXCUSE ME.

UH, CAN WE HURRY UP WITH THIS?
'CAUSE I GOT SOMEPLACE I GOT TO BE.

RIGHT. WHAT ACTOR PLAYED THE
TITLE ROLE IN THE COSBY SHOW?

THE TITLE ROLE IN
THE COSBY SHOW.

DAMN! DAMN. OH, MAN.

GINA WAS TALKIN' ABOUT
THAT LAST NIGHT. DAMN.

OH, 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, WE GOT TO RESPECT
OUR BLACK WOMEN. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

'CAUSE I BE TELLIN' MY BITCHES
THAT ALL THE TIME. DAMN.

UH, DUDE, WHAT'S
UP? OH, MY GOODNESS.

WHAT'S UP? OH! OH! DAMN!

[Peter] I NEED A NAME
HERE. A NAME. DAMN!

"DA-DAY-DAY."

AGREE OR DISAGREE?

I'M GONNA HAVE TO
AGREE. [Buzzer Buzzes]

NO. TERRIBLY
SORRY. OKAY, DENNIS.

WE CAN'T GIVE YOU THE "X." YOU'LL
HAVE TO EARN THAT YOURSELF.

I'M GONNA GO BACK TO THAT CRAZY
MARTIN LAWRENCE FOR THE WIN.

[Peter] YOU GOT IT. HEY,
WATCH YOUR MOUTH.

NAME A STAND-UP COMIC... A STAND-UP
COMIC WITH A SHORT MAN'S COMPLEX,

EARS OPEN LIKE CAR DOORS AND THREE
MINUTES OF HIS 15 MINUTES OF FAME LEFT.

OH, DAMN!

DAMN, YOU AIN'T RIGHT, YOU KNOW.

HOW YOU GONNA DIS A BROTHER
LIKE WILL SMITH LIKE THAT? WHAT'S UP?

- WELL, MARTIN SAYS WILL SMITH.
- I WILL, UH, DISAGREE.

[Siren Sounding] THAT'S A GOOD CHOICE.
"X" GETS THE SQUARE AND THE GAME.

THANK YOU, STARS. THANK
YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

AND JOIN US NEXT TIME HERE FOR MORE
FUN ON... THE EAST HOLLYWOOD SQUARES.

PETER MARSHALL SAYING BYE-BYE.

YO, I GOT BIG CREW.

SO WHAT YOU WANNA
DO? WHAT YOU WANNA DO?

♪ IT'S THE FLY, FLY TEAM
IT'S THE FLY, FLY TEAM ♪

♪ IT'S THE FLY, FLY TEAM
IT'S THE FLY, FLY TEAM ♪

♪ HO-OH, HO-OH HO-OH, HO-OH ♪

♪ HO-OH, HO-OH HO-OH, HO-OH ♪

♪♪ [Ends]

IS SHELLY MILLER REPORTING LIVE
FROM FT. LAUDERDALE FOR FOX NEWS.

I'M JOINED TODAY BY CITY
COUNCILMAN BILL DAVIS.

MR. DAVIS, HOW IS THIS CITY
HOLDING UP DURING SPRING BREAK?

WELL, SHELLY, THE
CITY IS DOIN' JUST FINE.

THIS TIME OF YEAR IS ALWAYS A
LITTLE HECTIC DOWN HERE IN FLORIDA,

ESPECIALLY THE FT.
LAUDERDALE AREA.

BUT AS ALWAYS WE ARE EQUIPPED
TO HANDLE THE ONSLAUGHT...

OF TOURISTS AND COLLEGE STUDENTS
SUCH AS THEY ARE AND WILL BE SOON.

HOW LONG DOES THE
SPRING BREAK SEASON LAST?

WELL, I WISH I COULD TELL YOU IT GOES
ON ALL YEAR. COURSE THAT'S NOT THE CASE.

A LOT OF THE YEAR DOWN
HERE IT'S PRETTY DULL,

AND THERE'S JUST A LOT OF
PEOPLE STAYIN' INDOORS WATCHIN' TV.

BUT THIS TIME OF YEAR
IS GREAT. NOT ALL THE

COLLEGES TAKE THEIR
BREAKS AT THE SAME TIME.

I'VE NOTICED A TREND FOR
THE EAST COAST COLLEGES...

TO HAVE THEIR SPRING
BREAKS EARLIER THAN

THE MIDWESTERN SCHOOLS
DO, SUCH AS THEY ARE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
MOTIVATES THE EAST COAST

SCHOOLS TO TAKE THEIR
VACATION TIME EARLIER?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW. I WOULDN'T
HAVE ANY IDEA. I'M NOT A PSYCHIC.

[Metal Detector Buzzing] BUT I DO
HAVE A THEORY ON THE TOPIC,

AND THAT IS THAT IT'S A
LITTLE COLDER OUT THERE,

THEREFORE THEY LIKE TO
GET RID OF THAT CABIN FEVER...

THE SORT THAT MAKES A MAN GO
CRAZY AND DO WILD THINGS AT HIS HOME...

EARLIER THAN, SAY,
IN THE MIDWEST.

BECAUSE OF ALL THE BAD
WEATHER, THEY'RE MORE

LIKELY TO GET AWAY FROM
THAT CABIN FEVER QUICKER...

AND BE AWAY FROM THE
INCLEMENT CLIMATE, SO AS IT IS.

THIS SEEMS LIKE AN IMPORTANT TIME
FOR THE ECONOMY HERE IN FT. LAUDERDALE.

HOW DOES IT COMPARE
TO THE REST OF THE YEAR?

WELL, ANY OF THESE STUDENTS
WHO HAVE STUDIED MACROECONOMICS,

WHICH I HAVE NOT, BUT I'M
PRETTY SURE THAT YOU HAVE.

YOU'RE A VERY PRETTY
LADY. DID I TELL YOU THAT?

THEY KNOW THE FREE ENTERPRISE
SYSTEM IS BASED ON SUPPLY AND DEMAND.

MOST OF THE RETAIL STORES HERE... WELL,
IT'S JUST LIKE CHRISTMASTIME DOWN HERE.

THIS IS OUR CHRISTMAS
SEASON, YOU MIGHT SAY,

EXCEPT WE DON'T HAVE ANY
RED SUITS OR JINGLE BELLS. RIGHT.

BUT, UH, THE NEXT FIVE
WEEKS IS GONNA BE A

VERY BIG SHOPPING YEAR,
FINANCIALLY SPEAKING,

FOR THE PEOPLE DOWN
HERE, SUCH AS THEY ARE.

UH, IT SURPRISES ME TO HEAR THAT COLLEGE
STUDENTS HAVE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO SPEND,

BECAUSE I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE,
I HAD VERY, VERY LITTLE SPENDING MONEY.

WELL, I DON'T BELIEVE I SAID
MILLIONS, BUT PERHAPS THEY DO.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT IS.
IT WORKS OUT LIKE THIS.

NOW, ONE COLLEGE STUDENT ON
HIS OWN... HE'LL COME DOWN HERE.

HE'LL MAYBE JUST HAVE ENOUGH
FOR A SIX-PACK AND SOME JIFFY POP,

BUT YOU PUT 600,000 COLLEGE
STUDENTS TOGETHER...

THAT'S A HECK OF A LOT OF JIFFY
POP, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'.

WHAT ARE OTHER WAYS THAT
THE STUDENTS HELP THE ECONOMY?

WELL, THE STUDENTS BRING
A LOT OF SAND INTO THE AREA,

AND THE SAND ACTUALLY
CONTRIBUTES TO THE SAND PATHS HERE.

THEY JUST TRACK IT
IN FROM OTHER STATES.

THAT HELPS THE WHOLE ECONOMY.

NOW, ALSO THERE'S
COMPANIES THAT TRY TO TARGET

THESE STUDENTS WHO
ARE BETWEEN 18 AND 24,

AND THAT TRANSLATES
INTO BIG DOLLARS.

THEY JUST SET THEIR HEADQUARTERS
UP DOWN HERE DURING THE BREAK...

THAT'S BIG MONEY FOR A
CORPORATE PERSON. I UNDERSTAND.

WELL, MR. DAVIS, I THANK YOU FOR
YOUR TIME AND HOSPITALITY HERE.

WELL, THANK YOU. YOU'RE PRETTY
AS A PEACH. DID I TELL YOU THAT?

I LIKE THEM EARRINGS. MY
GAL HAS A PAIR JUST LIKE 'EM.

WELL, I BOUGHT 'EM HERE IN FT.
LAUDERDALE. DID YOU? THAT'S GOOD.

THEY'RE PROBABLY MADE BY ONE OF OUR
LOCAL CRAFTSMEN. THAT'S WHAT THEY SAID.

ALL RIGHTY. YOU TAKE CARE
NOW. WELL, THANK YOU, MR. DAVIS.

AND AS YOU LOOK AROUND THE BEACH,
YOU'LL SEE A LOT OF FUN AND EXCITEMENT.

I'M SHELLY MILLER HERE
AT FOX NEWS. BACK TO YOU.

HEY, KIDS! WHY THE LONG FACES?

THERE'S NOTHING TO
DO! WE'RE SO BORED!

[Chuckles] ANYBODY
UP FOR A GAME?

A GAME? WHAT GAME? NOT
JUST ANY GAME, JOHNNY.

THE DIRTY DOZENS
HOME GAME! [Laughing]

THAT'S RIGHT, FOLKS.

NOW ALL THE EXCITEMENT OF
AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR DIS-FEST...

CAN BE YOURS AT HOME WITH
THE DIRTY DOZENS HOME EDITION.

WHERE TALKING TRASH
GETS YOU PLAY CASH...

AND YOU'LL WIN ALL THE MONEY
IF YOUR MAMA SMELLS FUNNY.

ALL RIGHT! I LANDED ON THE HEAD!

THAT'S RIGHT. YOUR CATEGORY
IS "YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID."

YOUR MAMA'S SO STUPID,

SHE SAW A SIGN THAT SAID
"WET FLOOR," SO SHE PEED ON IT.

[Laughs] THAT'S
PRETTY GOOD, JOHNNY.

ALL RIGHT, PUMPKIN, YOUR TURN.

THERE YOU GO. ALL RIGHT. YOUR
CATEGORY IS "YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT."

YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT, I
PLAYED SEESAW WITH HER,

AND I ENDED UP ON THE DAMN MOON!

DAMN MOON, JOHNNY. AND IF IT'S
HIGH-SPEED DISSIN' YOU'RE MISSIN',

TRY THE DOZENS ADVANCED EDITION.

ALL RIGHT, KIDS,
GO! [Bell Rings]

YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT, SHE USES
THE FREEWAY FOR A SLIP 'N SLIDE.

[Bell Rings] YOUR MAMA'S SO NASTY, YOU
COULD PLANT DAISIES IN HER BUTT CRACK.

BUTT CRACK!
[Laughs] [Bell Rings]

YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT, THE HO'S GOT A
ZIT IN HER BUTT NAMED MOUNT ST. HELENS!

BRING THE NOISE! BRING THE
NOISE! YEAH! GOOD, JOHNNY!

HEY, KIDS, WHAT DID
I TELL YOU? OH, MOM!

DON'T YOU BE TALKIN'
ABOUT YOUR MAMA...

UNLESS YOU'RE TALKIN' ABOUT
THE DIRTY DOZENS HOME GAME,

AVAILABLE WHERE ALL
FINE GIFTS ARE SOLD.

THE DIRTY DOZENS HOME
GAME. FUN FOR ALL AGES,

WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT
THEY SAY... ABOUT YOUR MAMA!

[Giggling] I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

FINALLY MR. AND MRS. DAN
CORWIN. I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

BABY, I THOUGHT THAT
RECEPTION WAS NEVER GONNA END.

I KEPT LOOKING AT YOU
IN THAT DRESS, AND ALL

I COULD THINK OF WAS
GETTING YOU OUT OF IT.

MM, GIRL. COME HERE. COME HERE.
COME HERE. OOOH, I CAN HARDLY WAIT.

[Giggling] MY PASSION'S
ABOUT TO EXPLODE, GIRL!

STOP IT!

DID SOMEBODY SAY... "EXPLODE"?

[Screaming]

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU, MAN?

FEAR NOT, YOUNG LOVERS.
I'M FIRE MARSHAL BILL BURNS,

AND I NOTICED YOUR BRIDE WAS GETTIN' A
LITTLE WARM SOUTH OF THE NAVEL THERE, SON.

WHAT? THIS IS OUR SUITE!
YOU GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

KEEP YOUR ROCKET IN
YOUR POCKET, MR. SPACEMAN.

YOU'RE NOT GETTIN' OUTTA HERE UNTIL
YOU LEARN THE MEANING OF SAFE SEX.

PASSION CAN LEAD
TO CARELESSNESS!

AND IF YOU'RE NOT
CAREFUL, YOU'LL BE CARRYING

YOUR NEW BRIDE
ACROSS THE THRESHOLD...

OF... PAIN.

NOW, IMAGINE IF YOU WILL THE
FOLLOWING GRUESOME SCENARIO.

I SHOULD NOTE THAT IT CONTAINS INTENSE
SCENES THAT MAY DISTURB SENSITIVE VIEWERS.

DEAL WITH IT!

IT'S YOUR WEDDING NIGHT.

YOU'RE CHOMPING IT A BIT
TO DEFLOWER YOUR PARTNER,

BUT YOUR OLD FRIENDS
TIM AND JANE SULLIVAN...

HAVE SENT UP A BOTTLE
OF THE FINEST CHAMPAGNE.

ALOHA. THE FINEST
CHAMPAGNE, COMPLIMENTS OF

YOUR OLD AND DEAR FRIENDS
TIM AND JANE SULLIVAN.

CALL IT A HUNCH.

HEY, WHAT ABOUT MY TIP?

YOU WANT A TIP, HUH?

NEVER DO THIS!

[Screams]

DOESN'T THAT HURT?

[Whimpering] NO.

PERHAPS I'VE BEEN DESENSITIZED
BY YEARS OF TELEVISION VIOLENCE.

[Screams]

NOW, YOU'RE READY TO ENJOY
A COLD DRINK OF BUBBLY. [Groans]

WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW IS
OUR FRIENDLY PORTER TYPE...

IS DISTRAUGHT BY THE SUDDEN
CANCELLATION OF THE CHEVY CHASE SHOW.

THUS DISTRACTED, HE HAS MISTAKENLY
SWITCHED YOUR CHAMPAGNE...

WITH HIGHLY UNSTABLE BORIC ACID.

[Sighs, Belches]

[Stomach Churning]

[Explosive Belch]

[Whimpering] OH, MY
GOD! THAT'S HORRIBLE!

[Grunts]

I SEEM TO BE LOSING MY
BATTLE WITH GINGIVITIS.

[Yelps] LOOK, MAN, THIS
IS OUR WEDDING NIGHT.

IF YOU DON'T LEAVE,
I'M CALLING SECURITY.

LISTEN AND LEARN, LOVER LOINS!

OR YOU'LL BE PUTTING OUT YOUR PRIVATE
PARTS WITH THE PUNY PILLOW PATTIES...

THAT THEY STICK ON YOUR
BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!

HEY!

NOW, LET'S SAY YOUR WIFE DECIDES
IT'S TIME TO GET THIS PARTY STARTED.

SUDDENLY THE FREAK
INSIDE HER IS RELEASED.

SHE'S POSSESSED BY THE
SPIRIT OF CARMEN MIRANDA.

SUDDENLY AND WITHOUT
ANY GOOD REASON,

SHE DECIDES TO WHIP UP A
PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING SMOOTHIE...

WITH THIS HANDY BEDSIDE JUICER.

THAT'S NO JUICER!
THAT'S THE MAGIC FINGERS!

DON'T GET TECHNICAL,
BUSTER. [Laughing]

- IT'S OUT OF CONTROL!
- DON'T WORRY, FOLKS.

MOMMY, MAKE IT STOP!

NO LOVER EATS POPSICLES IN HELL.

HONEY, HE'S POSSESSED!
DON'T WORRY. I'LL PROTECT YOU.

- [Gurgling, Grunts]
- [Screams]

THIS LOOKS LIKE A GOOD
PLACE FOR A STICK-UP.

LOOK, MAN, IF YOU DON'T MIND,
I'D LIKE TO BE ALONE WITH MY WIFE!

SO WOULD I, SON,

BUT I'VE GOT BIGGER FISH TO FRY.

LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING!

NOW THAT YOU'RE MARRIED, IT'S TIME
FOR COMPLETE AND UTTER HONESTY,

SO YOU DECIDE TO INTRODUCE
YOUR WIFE TO AN OLD FRIEND.

HONEY, I'D LIKE YOU
TO MEET... NYLONA.

NOW YOU'RE A LITTLE SCARED
ABOUT YOUR WIFE'S REACTION,

BECAUSE SHE'S GOT A TEMPER LIKE
LORENA BOBBITT WITH MENSTRUAL CRAMPS,

AND YOU DON'T WANT TO
SPEND THE HONEYMOON...

DESCRIBING YOUR PRIVATE
PARTS TO THE POLICE ARTIST.

SO, LIKE THE LOSER THAT YOU
ARE, YOU TOTALLY FREAK OUT...

AND ACCIDENTALLY INFLATE
YOUR VINYL VIXEN WITH HYDROGEN!

[Doorbell Rings] WHO
COULD THIS BE?

COMPLIMENTARY CANISTER
OF INERT HYDROGEN.

- AND AFTER 11:00 TOO.
- ENJOY YOUR COMPRESSED GAS.

YOU KNOW WE WILL.

♪♪ [Humming]

I LOVE A GIRL WHO GETS
PUMPED UP BEFORE SEX.

NOW, SHE'S LOOKIN' LIKE THE MADONNA
BALLOON AT THE MACY'S DAY PARADE.

YOU THROW HER ON THE BED.

YOU'RE SHUFFLIN' AROUND THE ROOM
LOOKIN' FOR YOUR TIRE PATCHING KIT,

JUST IN CASE OF A PUNCTURE,
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

[Laughing]

WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW IS THIS CARPET
IS FILLED WITH A DANGEROUS LEVEL...

OF STATIC ELECTRICITY.

AND YOUR FINGER HAS NOW
BECOME A DIGIT OF DEATH!

- OH, GOD, NO!
- OH, GOD, YES.

[Groaning] OUR
HONEYMOON! HAWAII! FIRE!

EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT,
HONEY. I'LL GET YOU TO THE HOSPITAL.

DON'T WORRY, BABY.

I'M A FIRE MARSHAL.
I KNOW C.P.R.!

DON'T GO INTO THE LIGHT.
DON'T GO INTO THE LIGHT!

SO ENDS ANOTHER 30
MINUTES OF TOTAL ANARCHY.

WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK...

OR WHENEVER ELSE THE HELL
THEY WANNA PUT THIS SHOW ON!

GOOD-BYE!

♪♪ [Theme]

♪♪ [Continues]