In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 4, Episode 8 - Handi-Man Returns - full transcript

SO, WHAT'S UP?

I'M CHRIS ROCK. DO
YOU GUYS KNOW ME?

I'VE BEEN ON SATURDAY NIGHT
LIVE NOW FOR THREE YEARS,

BUT, SOMETIMES, PEOPLE
JUST DON'T RECOGNIZE ME.

AND THAT'S WHY I CARRY THIS:

THE ANONYMOUS EXPRESS CARD.

ALL RIGHT, SON, NO LOITERIN'.

THIS AREA'S FOR CAST MEMBERS
ONLY. YOU'LL HAVE TO MOVE ALONG.

BUT, LOOK. SEE? I'M IN THE CAST.

I'VE NEVER SEEN YA ON THE SHOW.

AND THIS IS STUDIO 8H, HOME
TO THE HIT SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE.



WATCH THIS. HEY, FOLKS.

EXCUSE ME. ANYBODY
WANT AN AUTOGRAPH?

WHO ARE YOU?

I'M CHRIS ROCK. YOU
KNOW, I PLAY NAT "X."

YOU KNOW, NAT "X," THE
ANGRY, BLACK TALK SHOW HOST.

"HEY, WATCH OUT, MAN!
THE WHITE MAN CAM COMING.

I KNOW YOU WANNA SEE ME
LIKE THIS, BEHIND THEM BARS."

I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
YOU WERE, UH, UH, GUMBY.

NO, THAT'S EDDIE MURPHY,
DAMN IT! I'M THE OTHER BLACK GUY.

OH! YOU'RE DAMON WAYANS!

NO! HE GOT FIRED
FROM HIS FIRST SEASON.

NOW HE'S ON THAT OTHER SHOW, THE ONE I
SHOULD HAVE BEEN ON IN THE FIRST PLACE.

HEY, LOOK, EVERYBODY!
IT'S ADAM SANDLER!

HEY, WAIT! HEY, WAIT! COME BACK!



I'M A CELEBRITY, I TELL YOU.

I'VE BEEN IN TWO WHOLE
SKETCHES THIS SEASON.

HEY, HOW YOU DOIN'?

CHRIS ROCK! HOW YOU DOIN', MAN?

IT'S ME... GARRETT MORRIS.

- WHO?
- GARRETT MORRIS!

THE ANONYMOUS EXPRESS CARD.

NEVER BE THE ONLY BLACK GUY
ON AN ALL-WHITE SHOW WITHOUT IT.

YOU KNOW, MAN. "BASE-A-BALL
BEEN BERRY, BERRY GOOD TO ME."

GARRETT MORRIS,
MAN. GARRETT MOR...

"OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT IS"...

I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TWO TO MOVE
ALONG. NOW, TAKE YOUR FRIEND WITH YA.

GET GOIN'! DON'T PUSH ME.

GET GOIN', BUDDY.

ANONYMOUS EXPRESS. DON'T
BE THE ONLY BLACK MAN...

ON AN ALL-WHITE SHOW WITHOUT IT.

HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?

HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?

HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP AND
SIP ON A DREAM ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪

♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE ON A
FUNKY SCENE ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪

♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪

♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪

♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪

♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪

♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪

♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪

♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪

♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪

♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪

♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪

♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪

♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪

♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪

♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪

♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪

♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪

♪ GO, GO, GO, GO, GO ♪♪

HAVE WE DECIDED ON ANYTHING?
YES. I'LL HAVE A WHITE WINE.

OKAY. AND FOR YOU, MISS?

- UH, YES, UH...
- OH, MY GOD!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH
YOU? CAN I GET A BIRRA?

CAN I HAVE A BIRRA?

DOG, HE ACT LIKE HE SEEN
A BABOON OR SOMETHIN'.

YOU KNOW, UM, I THINK YOU'RE
GONNA LIKE MIKE'S FRIEND LUTHER.

HE'S AN ACTOR. OH,
GIRL, NO, YOU DIDN'T.

YOU GOT DENZEL
WASHINGTON. DENZEL? DENZ?

DENZEL? WHERE IS HE?

OH, THERE THEY ARE.
THEY'RE OVER HERE, LUTHER.

MAN, I HOPE SHE AIN'T UGLY,

'CAUSE I CAN'T STAND ME NO
UGLY GIRL, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YEAH, DON'T WORRY, MAN. I THINK YOU
TWO GOT A LOT IN COMMON WITH EACH OTHER.

HEY! COME ON.

UH, LUTHER, I WANT
YOU TO MEET JUDY.

JUDY, THIS IS LUTHER.
AND, UH, UH, THIS IS WANDA.

HEY, BABY. DAMN! WHAT THE...

NO! NO! THIS IS LUTHER! THIS IS
LUTHER! WANDA... WANDA, THIS IS LUTHER!

LUTHER, THIS IS
WAN... LUTHER. LUTHER.

I'M GONNA BUST HIS HEAD.

GIRL, UH-UH. THIS IS NOT
GONNA WORK. I GOT TO GO.

I HAVE TO GO. JUST SIT.

GIRL, I GOT A REPUTATION. I
HAVE A REPUTATION TO UPHOLD.

NOW, DO I LOOK LIKE I'D BE
ATTRACTED TO SOMEBODY LIKE THAT?

HEY, MAN, SHE IS FINE.

♪ THAT'S A BAD MAMA JAMMA ♪

SO, UH, LUTHER, MIKE
TELLS ME YOU'RE AN ACTOR.

I CAN'T SEEM TO PLACE YOUR FACE.

THAT'S CAUSE I, UH... I
DO A LOT OF RADIO ACTING.

YOU KNOW, THAT TYPE OF THING.

YOU KNOW, MOSTLY COMMERCIALS
AND VOICE-OVER WORK.

WELL, YOU NEED TO MOVE YOUR VOICE OVER
THERE, AND TAKE YOUR UGLY FACE WITH YOU.

HEY, BABY, I'D GO
ANYWHERE YOU WANT, WANDA.

MY HEART IS POUNDIN' FOR YA.

WELL, MY ASS IS ITCHIN'.
YOU NEED TO LOSE YOURSELF.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER,
MAN? COME ON, NOW, WANDA.

JUST HANG IN THERE, ALL RIGHT?

GIRL, NO, GIRL. HE LOOKS LIKE
AN OSTRICH ON CRACK, GIRL.

HE NEEDS... NO, GIRL. HE NEEDS
TO PUT HIS HEAD IN THE GROUND.

I CAN'T TAKE THIS. WOULD YOU...

WOULD YOU JUST GIVE
HIM A CHANCE? YOU OWE ME.

YOU SET ME UP WITH YOUR BROTHER.

WELL, MY BROTHER'S GOOD-LOOKIN'.
HELL, HE LOOK JUST LIKE ME.

PLEASE? PLEASE, WANDA?

PLEASE? FOR ME? OH, YOU'D MAKE ME
SICK IF YOU WEREN'T MY BEST FRIEND.

BABY, YOU SMELL GOOD. WHAT
YOU WEARIN', SPEED STICK?

AND YOUR EYES ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.

I KNOW THIS. WHY DON'T YOU GO BE A
VICTIM OF A DRIVE-BY OR SOMETHIN'?

HEY, BABY.

BABY, I THINK I HEAR YOUR
LIPS CALLING ME. YES, THEY ARE.

AND, BABY, I WANNA SEX YOU UP.

AND I WANNA HOSE YOU DOWN.
HEY, BABY, WHY YOU DISSIN' ME?

YOU KNOW, I CAN ACT REAL... I MEAN REAL,
REAL UGLY. I KNOW YOU CAN ACT LIKE IT.

YOU CAN PROBABLY
GET AN OSCAR FOR IT.

"FOR BEST SUPPORTING UGLINESS
GOES TO RONALD JACKSON."

YOU KNOW, WANDA,
LOOKS AREN'T EVERYTHING.

I THINK HE'S ACTUALLY
QUITE SMART.

WELL, IF HE'S SO SMART, HOW
COME HE CAN'T CURE UGLINESS?

YOU KNOW, JUST, JUST... WHY DON'T
YOU JUST CHILL OUT, YOU KNOW?

I REALLY LIKE THIS GUY, AND
YOU ARE BLOWING IT FOR ME.

I'M YOUR BEST FRIEND. I
EVEN LOANED YOU THAT DRESS.

GIRL, YOU CAN HAVE THIS LITTLE
FUNKY DRESS, AND THESE DRAWERS TOO.

I DON'T NEED 'EM. STOP IT!

I'LL TAKE THOSE.

HERE'S YOUR WHITE WINE.

AND FOR YOU, SIR? HUH, BABY?

OH, MY GOD! NOT AGAIN!
HEY, MAN, YOU WANT SOME?

HE TALKIN' ABOUT MY
LADY? THAT'S MY LADY, MAN.

THAT'S MY LADY. ALL RIGHT.
COME ON. LET'S JUST SIT DOWN.

I DON'T WANT NOBODY GETTIN' IN
MY STUFF. LUTHER, COME ON, MAN.

YOU GOTTA GET USED TO PEOPLE STARIN'
AT US. PEOPLE STARE AT ME ALL THE TIME.

THEY GET ME MIXED UP WITH IMAN AND
VANESSA WILLIAMS AND ALL THEM GIRLS.

COME ON, GUYS! CAN'T
WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?

NO, RODNEY, WE CAN'T,
AND I'M READY TO GO.

HEY, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. YOU AIN'T
GOIN' NOWHERE. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? HEY!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? NO,
YOU DIDN'T. I GOT YOU! I GOT YOU!

YOU AIN'T GOT NOBODY. I'LL
SNAP YOUR NECK SMOOTH IN TWO.

I-I GOT YOU, BABY.

YOU BETTER UNDERSTAND THIS.
GIRL, I'LL... I GOT YOU, THOUGH.

IT LOOKS LIKE YOU GUYS ARE HAVING SUCH
FUN, WE'RE JUST GONNA GO AND TAKE OFF.

UH, GOOD LUCK, LUTHER. GIRL, DON'T
YOU LEAVE ME HERE WITH CHEWBACCA.

HEY. COME HERE, BABY.

LOOK HERE. LOOK HERE.

SWEETHEART, LOOK HERE. WE
DON'T NEED THEM. YOU'RE BRUISIN' ME.

HEY, HEY, HEY.
YOU'RE BRUISIN' ME.

LOOK HERE. I'LL BE GENTLE.
I'M BRUISED. I'M BRUISED.

♪ I'LL BE GENTLE ♪
CHECK IT OUT.

I KNOW I AIN'T NO BILLY DEE WILLIAMS
OR NO JIMMIE WALKER OR SHABBA RANKS,

BUT I UNDERSTAND THE
FINER THINGS IN LIFE.

AND, RIGHT NOW, YOU
ABOUT THE FINEST, BABY.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU TRYIN' TO
COMPARE YOURSELF TO SHABBA RANKS,

'CAUSE YOU DON'T COMPARE.

WHY YOU DISSIN'
ME, BABE? I GOTTA GO.

WANDA... WANDA, LOOK. NO,
GIRL... LOOK, WANDA. WANDA.

I ONLY GOT THREE WORDS
FOR YOU, BABY. I LOVE YOU.

DAMN IT!

DID YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME?

LOOK ME IN MY EYE AND SAY THAT.

LOOK ME IN MY EYE. IN THIS EYE.

WHERE? THIS ONE RIGHT HERE.

COME RIGHT HERE. COME RIGHT
HERE. COME RIGHT HERE. NO...

I SEE YOU NOW. I SEE
YOU NOW. THIS WAY MORE.

ALL RIGHT. HOLD IT RIGHT
THERE. OKAY, I SEE YOU.

I SEE YOU. NOW, SAY IT.

YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

YOU LOVE ME? I LOVE YOU, WANDA.

WILL YOU ROCK MY WORLD?
I'LL ROCK YOUR WORLD, BABY.

I WILL ROCK YOUR WORLD.
I'LL ROCK YOUR WORLD, WANDA.

I'LL ROCK YOUR WORLD.
I CAN'T TAKE THIS!

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
I'LL ROCK YOUR WORLD!

YOU CALL ME IF YOU REALLY
WANNA ROCK MY WORLD.

MY CINDER... MY WANDARELLA!

HEY, WANDA!

HI! MY NAME IS LOOMIS SIMMONS,

AND IF YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO IT,

YOU CAN MAKE ME RICH!

NOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF "GET RICH
QUICK" SCHEMES ON TV THESE DAYS,

BUT MY SYSTEM IS DIFFERENT.

YA SEE, YOU AIN'T
NEVER GONNA BE RICH.

YOU JUST AIN'T. IT AIN'T
GONNA HAPPEN FOR YOU.

BUT YOU CAN STILL HAVE A
PART OF SOME SUCCESS... MINE'S.

AND WITH A MINIMAL INVESTMENT,

YOU CAN MAKE ME ONE OF THE
RICHEST MENS IN THE WORLD.

AND WHEN I HAVE
MONEY, I'M HAPPY.

LET ME SHOW YOU. THIS IS A
PICTURE OF ME WITH NO MONEY.

AND THIS IS A PICTURE
OF ME WITH MONEY.

SEE, YOUR MONEY
AIN'T GONNA GO FAR.

BUT WHEN YOU PUT IT ALL
TOGETHER WITH EVERYBODY ELSE'S,

THEN GIVE IT TO ME,
IT CAN GO A LONG WAY,

AND IN "STYRLE."

I USED TO BE JUST LIKE
YOU, DOWN ON MY LUCK,

LIVIN' FROM PAYCHECK
TO PAYCHECK,

SITTIN' ON MY COUCH LIKE
AN OLD, WET FOOD STAMP.

THEN, I THOUGHT,
"HOLD UP, LOOMIS.

WHY SHOULD WE ALL BE MISERABLE?"

HERE ARE A FEW PEOPLE WHO HAVE
BENEFITED FROM MY AMAZING PROGRAM.

MY WIFE NEEDED A
CRITICAL HEART OPERATION.

IT WAS EITHER THAT OR
SEND MONEY TO LOOMIS.

I HAD A TOUGH CHOICE TO MAKE, BUT I
THINK SHE WOULD HAVE WANTED IT THAT WAY.

AIN'T THAT RIGHT, BABY?

I SENT FOR LOOMIS'S TAPES, EVEN THOUGH
MY HUSBAND LAUGHED AT ME FOR DOING IT.

THEN, I SENT LOOMIS
OUR NEST EGG.

AND I WOULD JUST LIKE TO SAY
TO MY FAMILY, WHEREVER THEY ARE,

"SEE? WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?

LOOMIS IS RICH, AND YOU
SAID IT COULDN'T BE DONE."

SEE WHAT I MEAN?
ALL OVER THE PLANET,

PEOPLES IS FINDIN'
OUT THAT I CAN BE RICH.

NOW, ALL THEY DID
WAS SEND ME MONEY.

YOU CAN TOO. AND
FOR A LIMITED TIME,

IF YOU SEND ME A GIFT OF OVER A
HUNDRED DOLLARS, YOU'LL RECEIVE...

THE LOOMIS SIMMONS
FIVE-CASSETTE AUDIO COURSE.

THE FIRST CASSETTE IS
ENTITLED "THANK YOU."

IT HAS A SPECIAL "THANK YOU"
MESSAGE FROM ME TO YOU.

THANK YOU. MUCHAS GRACIAS.

UH, MERCI BEAUCOUP.

THANK YOU.

CASSETTE NUMBER TWO
IS CALLED "LOOMIS HUMS."

IT CONTAINS OVER 17 MINUTES...

OF ME HUMMIN' MY FAVORITE TUNES.

LET'S LISTEN.

♪♪

♪♪ AND THE OTHER THREE
TAPES... WELL, THEY JUST BLANK.

YOU CAN DO WHATEVER
YOU WANT WITH THEM.

IF YOU PLAY 'EM AND PUT
THE VOLUME REAL LOUD,

YOU HEAR A SOFT HISS,

MUCH LIKE THE SOOTHIN'
SOUND OF THE SEA.

REMEMBER, I CAN'T MAKE ME RICH.

YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE INITIATIVE.

NOW IS THE TIME. DON'T LET
MY OPPORTUNITY PASS YOU BY.

I CAN BE RICHER THAN ANY
OF US CAN EVEN IMAGINE.

SO, DON'T JUST SIT THERE! MAKE
A DIFFERENCE! MAKE A CHANGE!

MAKE ME RICH!

♪♪

AND, NOW, FOR THE FURTHER
ADVENTURES OF HANDI MAN!

OOH! EXCUSE ME. I'M SORRY.

WILL THE OWNER OF A
PINK ISUZI PLEASE MOVE IT?

YOU'RE PARKED IN A
HANDICAPPED ZONE.

OH, MY! I HAD NO IDEA.

TELL ME, HOW CAN I
EVER MAKE IT UP TO YOU?

WELL, RUBBING YOUR BREASTS
AGAINST ME IS A GOOD START.

OH! WHAT AM I SAYING?
I MEAN, I'M HANDI MAN.

I DEFEND AND PROTECT THE
PHYSICALLY CHALLENGED.

WELL, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO A
LITTLE PHYSICAL CHALLENGE OF OUR OWN?

WOW!

I MUST HAVE LEFT MY HANDI-SHORTS
IN THE DRYER TOO LONG.

HANDI, I KNOW WE'VE JUST MET,

BUT I WOULD BE SO HAPPY IF YOU
WOULD WEAR THIS LITTLE CHAIN FOR ME.

YOU MAKE ME HOTTER THAN
ORTHOPEDIC SHOES ON GEORGIA ASPHALT.

GEORGIA ASPHALT? OH, NO.

WHAT'S HAPPENING? WHAT'S WRONG?

THE MEDALLION.

IT MUST BE MADE
OF "CRIPPLENITE,"

THE ONE SUBSTANCE THAT
RENDERS ME TOTALLY POWERLESS.

WELL, WHAT'S THE TROUBLE, SUGAR?

WELL, I FEEL FINE
WHEN I SIT DOWN.

BUT WHEN I STAND UP, THINGS
GO 'ROUND AND 'ROUND. OH, MY!

HANDI MAN. A PLEASURE AS ALWAYS.

I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU
AS I RAN OVER A SEEING EYE DOG.

DR. NAUGHTY. I
SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.

YOU BETRAYED ME. BITCH.

OH. PLEASE, HANDI.

DID YOU REALLY THINK
A WOMAN AS ALLURING...

AS MY NURSE KAISER...

COULD ACTUALLY BE
ATTRACTED TO THE LIKES OF YOU?

NO, I SEE SHE'S ONLY ATTRACTED
TO THE SEXUALLY DISABLED.

I DIDN'T TELL HIM. I SWEAR!

GO AHEAD. HAVE YOUR
LITTLE JOKE, HANDI MAN.

YOUR KIND WON'T
BE LAUGHING LONG.

DOUG, WHY DON'T YOU HELP THAT
FOUR-LEGGED FELLOW GET HIS BEARINGS?

YOU'VE GONE TOO
FAR, DR. NAUGHTY.

I STILL CAN MUSTER
UP ENOUGH STRENGTH...

TO TAKE CARE OF YOU
AND THIS BIG-HEADED BULLY.

LET'S GET BUSY!

MAY I HAVE A SCOTCH
AND SODA, PLEASE?

GET HIM, DOUG!

I WAS JUST KIDDIN' ABOUT
THE BIG-HEADED STUFF, DOUG.

OH, THAT'S... OH,
THAT'S GOTTA HURT.

YOU HAD ENOUGH?

CLEAN UP THIS MESS, HANDI WIPE.

GOD, I'M SO EMBARRASSED.

♪ HOW DRY I AM ♪

♪ HOW DRY I AM ♪

I'VE BEEN DEFEATED.

I'LL NEVER BE ABLE
TO HOLD MY HEAD UP...

AND LOOK PEOPLE
STRAIGHT IN THE EYE AGAIN.

HANDI, YOU COULD NEVER HOLD YOUR HEAD
UP AND LOOK PEOPLE STRAIGHT IN THE EYE.

OH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

POUR ME ANOTHER DRINK, PLEASE.

OH, HANDI!

OH, JUST LOOK AT
YOU. WHAT HAVE I DONE?

I'VE BEEN SO RIDDLED WITH
GUILT, I CAN'T EVEN SLEEP AT NIGHT.

YOU KNOW, THERE WAS ONE THING I
HADN'T COUNTED ON IN ALL OF THIS.

I DIDN'T COUNT ON
FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU.

YEAH, WELL, YOU GOT A FUNNY
WAY OF SHOWING YOUR AFFECTION.

LOOK AT ME. IT'S TOO LATE.

I'VE LOST MY SUPERPOWERS. NO!

YOU MUSTN'T SAY THAT. NO, YOU HAVE
TO PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, HANDI.

THE POWER IS WITHIN YOU.
IT'S ALWAYS BEEN THERE.

JUST BREAK THAT CHAIN!

I CAN'T DO IT. YOU'VE GOT TO.

I CAN'T DO IT. OH,
YOU'VE GOT TO.

I DID IT! I'M BACK!

♪♪

I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.

I GOTTA GO STOP
DR. NAUGHTY. YES.

PLEASE MEET ME AT MY
PLACE TONIGHT, SUGAR.

OH! SORRY.

UP, UP, AND AWAY!

WILL HANDI STOP
HIS FIENDISH FOE...

FROM BURNISHING THE
BUMPS IN EVERY BRAILLE BOOK?

AHA!

ANOTHER WHEELCHAIR RAMP IN
UTAH HAS BEEN TURNED INTO STAIRS.

SOON, EVERY HANDICAPPED
TOILET IN THE COUNTRY...

WILL HAVE A LITTLE,
NARROW DOORWAY,

AND EVERY HEARING AID WILL SHARE A
RADIO FREQUENCY WITH HOWARD STERN!

NOT SO FAST, DR. NAUGHTY.

IT LOOKS LIKE THE SHOE IS
ON THE OTHER CLUBBED FOOT.

HANDI MAN! HOW
COULD THIS BE POSSIBLE?

THE CRIPPLENITE!

HAVEN'T YOU LEARNED? NEVER UNDERESTIMATE
THE POWERS OF THE HANDICAPPED.

THROW HIM IN THE CRIPPLE PIT!

DON'T REMEMBER
TO VISIT THE ALAMO.

CURSE YOU, HANDI MAN!

TELL IT TO THE
JUDGE, DR. NAUGHTY.

OH, HANDI!

NURSE KAISER, HOW COULD YOU?

ONCE YOU GO HANDICAPPED,
YOU'LL NEVER GO BACK.

COME ON, NURSE KAISER. WE
GOT A LOT OF CATCHING UP TO DO.

UP, UP, AND AWAY! WELL,
WAIT A MINUTE. I CAN'T FLY!

WELL, HANG ON TO MY
HANDI-SHORTS. OKAY.

UP, UP, AND AWAY!

TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR
THE FURTHER ADVENTURES...

OF HANDI MAN!

TWO UP-AND-COMING BROTHERS,
ALSO VERY TALENTED PRODUCERS.

GOT THE SLAMMIN' ALBUM OUT
MECCA AND THE SOUL BROTHER.

THAT'S ON ELEKTRA RECORDS. SO, PLEASE
WELCOME, FROM MONEY-EARNIN' MT. VERNON,

PETE ROCK AND C.L.
SMOOTH... "STRAIGHTEN IT OUT."

♪♪

♪ UH, UH ♪
♪ OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH ♪

♪ UH, UH ♪
♪ OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH, ♪

YO, PETE ROCK,
HOW WE GONNA DO IT?

♪ UH, YEAH ♪
COME ON!

♪ STRAIGHTEN IT OUT ♪
HOW WE GONNA DO IT?

♪ STRAIGHTEN IT OUT ♪
HOW WE GONNA MOVE IT?

♪ STRAIGHTEN IT OUT ♪
♪ C.L. SMOOTH ♪

♪ STRAIGHTEN IT OUT ♪
I'M HERE TO TELL YA!

♪ STRAIGHTEN IT OUT ♪
AND THAT'S A FACT, BABY.

♪ STRAIGHTEN IT OUT ♪
LET'S GO AND KICK SOME LYRICS.

♪ STRAIGHTEN IT
OUT ♪ CHECK THIS.

♪ WALK THE FINE, SHORT LINE
AND PUT THE NEEDLE TO THE GRIND ♪

♪ REPRESENTIN' ONE KIND
SEEING EYE FOR THE BLIND ♪

♪ WITNESS WHAT I CARRY ON
BEARS A FURTHER PURPOSE ♪

♪ FROM HOW WE DO, SLAM A FEW
THEN YOU WANT TO PURCHASE ♪ WHOO!

♪ A DIALOGUE OF FUNK YOU
LOVE TO POP IT IN YOUR TRUNK ♪

♪ I WIN, MORE DISCIPLINED
THAN A SHAOLIN MONK ♪

♪ PETE ROCK AND C.L. WELL
SET TO SPARK IT ♪ WHOO!

♪ THE POWERFUL TARGET TO
DESTROY THE BLACK MARKET ♪

♪ BUT WHEN YOU SAY BLACK
I DON'T KNOW, YOU LOSE ME ♪

♪ I GUESS ANOTHER BEGGAR
CAN AFFORD TO BE CHOOSY ♪

♪ I COME TO THE MAXIMUM
ARTIST ON A MAJOR LABEL ♪

♪ ANY DUPLICATION
OF THIS ONE IS FATAL ♪

♪ OH-ONE-TWO-FIVE
I GOTTA HIT YA LIVE ♪

♪ BEAT YOUR ASS WITH MY TAPE ANY
RACE OR SHAPE ♪ SAY WHAT? SAY WHAT?

♪ 'CAUSE IF THEY GOT
MINE THEY GOT YOURS TOO ♪

♪ BUT, TOGETHER HERE'S WHAT
WE'RE GONNA DO ♪ COME ON!

♪ LET ME HEAR YOU SAY HO ♪

♪ SAY, HO, HO ♪

♪ SAY, MAKE MONEY, MONEY MAKE MONEY,
MONEY, MONEY ♪ ♪ STRAIGHTEN IT OUT ♪

♪ LET ME HEAR YOU SAY TAKE MONEY,
MONEY TAKE MONEY, MONEY, MONEY ♪

♪ STRAIGHTEN IT OUT ♪

♪ NOW, SCREAM ♪

♪ STRAIGHTEN IT OUT ♪

SAY WHAT? KICK IT!

♪ THE FUNK LEGACY I PASS ON
CLEMENCY FOR HIGH RATES ♪ SAY WHAT?

♪ EVERY TIME WE SAMPLE
ALL THE PASTIME GREATS ♪

♪ STICK IT IN THE SP-1200
BEAT I MAKE A LOOP ♪

♪ LOVELY WAY TO
TROOP IN A LEXUS COUPE ♪

♪ JUST A LITTLE BIT SET TO
MAKE A WHOLE LOT HAPPEN ♪

♪ THE MUSICAL
INSIDE MY RAPPIN' ♪

♪ WRITTEN BY THE C.L.
PRODUCED BY THE P.R. ♪ SAY WHAT?

♪ AND ADD IN ANY CREDIT
THAT YOU HEARD THUS FAR ♪

♪ I START FROM SCRATCH
'CAUSE THE BASS LINE'S CRITICAL ♪

♪ BETTER THAN THE
ORIGINAL WHO FIRST MADE IT ♪

♪ NOW YOU WANNA SUE ME BUT
FANS NEVER BOO ME ♪ SAY WHAT?

♪ BELIEVE I KNOW THE TIMES
WE BEEN BROKE TOO, G ♪

♪ HERE'S ANOTHER SAMPLE CLEAR
SEE YA GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE ♪

♪ LIKE A BOOTLEG YOU'RE
OVER FOR THE YEAR ♪

♪ YOU'LL ONLY GET THE CREDIT
WHEN THE CREDIT IS DUE ♪ COME ON!

♪ SO, LISTEN WHAT I
SHOUT OUT IS TRUE ♪

♪ LET ME HEAR YOU SAY STRAIGHTEN
IT OUT ♪ ♪ STRAIGHTEN IT OUT ♪

♪ SAY, STRAIGHTEN IT OUT ♪
♪ STRAIGHTEN IT OUT ♪

♪ SAY, YEAH ♪
♪ YEAH ♪

♪ SAY, HELL YEAH COME
ON SAY, STRAIGHTEN IT OUT ♪

♪ STRAIGHTEN IT OUT ♪
♪ SAY, STRAIGHTEN IT OUT ♪

♪ NOW, SCREAM ♪

♪ STRAIGHTEN IT OUT ♪
DO IT AGAIN.

♪ LIKE THE STRANDS OF LAMB'S
WOOL I'M THINKIN' THAT'S SAD ♪

♪ HERE TO GO TO THE HEAD AND
COUNT THE LOCKS ON A DREAD ♪

♪ I AND I LOOK TO VERIFY
GOIN' TO MULTIPLY ♪

♪ A THEORY MANY
THOUGHT A CONSPIRACY ♪

♪ HERE TO LET YOU KNOW
THAT IT APPLIES TO ALL OF US ♪♪