In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 4, Episode 6 - Anton Returns - full transcript
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP AND
SIP ON A DREAM ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE ON A
FUNKY SCENE ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO, GO ♪♪
AND NOW, ANOTHER EPISODE
OF THE HEAD DETECTIVE.
I DON'T SEE ANYTHING,
DETECTIVE HEAD.
IT SMELLS LIKE A SETUP TO ME.
BUT YOU WOULDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT
THAT, BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST A STUPID ROOKIE.
HEY, HEY, HEY! I'M
NOT STUPID, OKAY?
BESIDES, WHY DO
THEY CALL YOU "HEAD"?
SOMETHING CRAZY FROM
YOUR COLLEGE DAYS, HUH?
JUST GO CHECK OUT THE BACK.
I'LL KEEP AN EYE ON THINGS HERE.
OKAY. WAIT, WAIT. WE NEED A CODE
WORD YOU CAN YELL IF YOU GET IN TROUBLE.
HOW 'BOUT "HELP," YOU IDIOT?
GOT IT. NO PROBLEM.
I'M GONNA CAMOUFLAGE YOU.
MMM, RIPE AND READY TO EAT.
AND YOU, MI AMIGO, ARE
RIPE AND READY TO DIE.
THE DOMINGUEZ BROTHERS...
MANNY, MOE AND JOAQUIN.
I THOUGHT I SENT YOU
TO PRISON FOR LIFE.
YEAH, BUT WITH GOOD BEHAVIOR...
PHHT! GOT OUT IN THREE MONTHS.
AND WE SPENT THOSE THREE
LONG MESES DREAMING OF THE DAY...
WHEN WE COULD PUT YOU
THROUGH YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE.
NO, NO, NOT JUGGLING. HELP!
FREEZE! HELP!
DAMN, THAT SOUNDS LIKE HEAD. BUT
HE DEFINITELY SAID, "HELP, YOU IDIOT."
HE'S JUST YELLING "HELP."
HE'S PROBABLY TESTING
ME. OH, IT'S A TRAP.
THINK YOU'RE SLICK, HEAD.
FREEZE.
BUENAS NOCHES, LA CABEZA. PULL!
GO ON!
DOC! IS HE GONNA MAKE IT?
IT'S TOUCH AND GO AT THIS
POINT, SON. WE... HAD TO AMPUTATE.
AMPUTATE? WHAT-WHAT PART?
MAYBE WE SHOULD SIT DOWN.
DAMN IT, DOC! GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT.
HIS HANDS AND HIS FEET. OH, GOD!
WE WERE ABLE TO SAVE HIS EARS.
CAN I SEE HIM, DOC? DO YOU
HAVE A STRONG STOMACH, SON?
YEAH. GO AHEAD.
COME ON, SIR.
YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT. JUST
HOLD ON. YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT.
OKAY?
NO, SIR, I WON'T LET YOU GO!
CLEAR!
UUH!
CLEAR!
OW!
ROOKIE? SIR?
IS THAT YOU, ROOKIE? YOU BET!
I CAN'T FEEL MY ARMS. THEY'RE
IN THE OTHER ROOM, SIR.
ROOKIE, COME HERE. HUH?
COME CLOSER. YEAH?
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH
YOU, LEAVING ME ALONE LIKE THAT?
GET ME OUT OF HERE.
IT'S PAYBACK TIME.
♪♪
HEY, CHECK HERE. WE GOT A PACKAGE
FOR THE DOMINGUEZ BROTHERS.
IT'S FROM JUAN
VALDEZ, A PIÑATA-GRAM.
HEY, SOMEBODY
LIKES US. ALL RIGHT!
IT'LL MAKE HIDING FROM THE
LAW A LITTLE BIT MORE FUN.
AH, ¡MIRA! IT'S PARTY TIME!
- OKAY, FREEZE, JALAPEÑOS. YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.
- ¡LA CABEZA!
NO! N-NO! HEADS UP, WISEGUY.
- LOOK OUT, HEAD!
- YOU MAY HAVE WON THIS TIME,
LA CABEZA,
BUT I'M GOING TO
HAVE THE LAST LAUGH.
HEAD!
HA-HA-HA! ¡AY!
I GOT YOU, HEAD! I GOT YOU!
COME ON, BABY. COME ON.
WHOO-HOO! THANKS, ROOKIE.
YEAH!
HEAD? HEAD?
THIS HAS BEEN ANOTHER
EPISODE OF THE HEAD DETECTIVE.
EXCUSE ME, MADAM. COULD I HAVE
A MOMENT OF YOUR TIME, PLEASE?
I'M SORRY, I'M IN A HURRY. I'VE GOT
A PLANE TO CATCH. PLEASE, WAIT.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I'M NOT A BEGGAR, I'M A
POET, AND I'D LIKE TO READ YOU A SHORT POEM.
NOW, IF YOU LIKE MY POEM, THEN
I'D APPRECIATE A SMALL DONATION.
IF NOT, THEN ALL I WANT TO
HEAR IS YOUR HONEST CRITICISM.
ALL RIGHT, GO AHEAD.
THANK YOU. I CALL THIS POEM...
"UNIDENTIFIED FLYING OBJECTS."
HARK, WHO GOES THERE?
A BIRD, A BUTTERFLY,
TENDER RAINDROPS FALLING.
A ROCK, A BRICK, A
TIGHTLY CLENCHED FIST.
KA-BANG! CRASHING INTO THE
UNSUSPECTING BITCH'S SKULL.
OUCH! GROAN! A
BLOODCURDLING SCREAM.
AA-AA-AAHH! FINGERS
CLAWING AT PIERCING BLUE EYES!
ALL THE COLORS OF THE RAINBOW,
WHEN ALL I WANTED WAS SOME GREEN.
PAIN, AGONY, MISERY!
THESE ARE A FEW OF
MY FAVORITE THINGS.
TH-THAT WAS VERY GOOD.
UM, HERE TAKE THIS. UH, JUST PLEASE,
DON'T HURT ME! HEY! HEY, THANKS.
THANKS FOR SUPPORTING ARTS.
HAVE A NICE TRIP, LADY. EXCUSE ME, SIR.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY SOME CANDY TO SUPPORT
MY TROOP? SORRY, LITTLE JOHN SINGLETON,
BUT I AIN'T GOT NO...
I AIN'T IN A POSITION RIGHT NOW TO MAKE A
MONETARY CONTRIBUTION TO YOUR CAUSE.
BUT, UH, HAVE A... FEEL FREE TO
TAKE THIS LITTLE POEM BACK WITH YOU...
TO YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS
AT THE CLUBHOUSE, OKAY?
I CALL THIS POEM
"TWINKLE, TWINKLE."
YOU LIKE THAT, RIGHT?
"TWINKLE, TWINKLE."
TWINKLE, TWINKLE, LITTLE SMURF,
SELLING MILK DUDS ON MY TURF.
DISAPPEAR WITHOUT A TRACE.
ON A CARTON OF MILK,
YOU'LL FIND HIS FACE.
TWINKLE, TWINKLE, CANDY MAN,
PUNCHED IN YOUR MOUTH
BY THIS BIG, BLACK HAND.
HEY, THERE, LITTLE FELLA.
IS THIS GUY BOTHERING YOU?
HE'S A BAD MAN!
ALL RIGHT, BUDDY, LET'S
SEE YOUR SOLICITOR'S PERMIT.
HEY, MAN, SINCE WHEN DO YOU NEED A
PERMIT TO RECITE POETRY? ARE YOU A POET?
YEAH! WELL, NOW,
WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?
I'M A BIT OF A POET
MYSELF. GET OUTTA HERE.
YEAH, AND I'D LIKE YOUR
HONEST CRITICISM. OKAY.
NOW, I CALL THIS ONE
"THE POET NEAR GATE 82."
THERE ONCE WAS
A COP ON HIS BEAT...
WHO MET UP WITH A
POET FROM THE STREET.
THE COP THREW HIM IN JAIL,
THE POET COULDN'T MAKE HIS BAIL,
AND NOW HIS NICKNAME
IS JUST "SWEET MEAT"!
WHERE YOU GOING, MAN? YOU'RE
GONNA MISS THE BEST PART!
ALL RIGHT, THE SHOW'S OVER.
COME ON. MOVE A LONG, LITTLE GUY.
♪♪
EAH IT GOES LIKE ONE,
TWO, THREE LIKE THIS ♪
♪ JAMMERS ON THE
WRIST, GIRL POP LA CRISP ♪
♪ I'M THE KING OF THE
CLUB I'M THE ONE YOU LOVE ♪
♪ JAMMERS ON THE
WRIST, GIRL POP LA CRISP ♪
♪ I'M THE KING OF THE
CLUB I'M THE ONE YOU LOVE ♪
♪ JAMMERS ON THE
WRIST, GIRL POP LA CRISP ♪
♪ I'M THE KING OF THE
CLUB I'M THE ONE YOU LOVE ♪
♪ JAMMERS ON THE
WRIST, GIRL POP LA CRISP ♪
♪ I'M THE KING OF THE
CLUB I'M THE ONE YOU LOVE ♪
♪ RAP SUPERSTAR AT THE BAR I'M
LOOKIN' FOR THE CHICK WITH THE BRICK SIX ♪
♪ I'M SLICK SEE ME COMIN' WITH
A POCKETFUL OF BENJAMINS ♪
♪ GENTLEMEN, STEP
ASIDE NO RED ROPE ♪
♪ NO PRIDE I RIDE THE
WAIT-NO-FAME GAME ♪
♪ DON'T CLAIM NAME I'M LIVE ♪
♪ KEPT THE REP HIS STEP KEEP
HITS COME AND KEEP THE BEAT ♪
♪ IN YOUR CHEST, NINE TO FIVE
WE GETTIN' LOVE IN THE CLUB ♪♪
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
BUT YOU KNOW, WAKING
UP EVERY MORNING...
ON A COLD SIDEWALK...
WITH NO FOOD OR SHELTER,
THAT'S NOT SO FUNNY.
THE HOMELESS DON'T NEED OUR
SCORN. THEY NEED OUR RESPECT.
- THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BEG.
- ♪ I AIN'T TOO PROUD TO BEG ♪
♪ SWEET DARLIN' ♪
♪ PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME,
GIRL I DON'T WANT TO GO ♪
OKAY, OKAY. ALL RIGHT, I'LL BITE.
♪ SAYIN', DO IT TO ME, BABY ♪♪
WHO-WHO ARE YOU?
OH, I'M ANTON JACKSON.
IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET
YOUR ACQUAINTANCE.
HEY! HEY, I'M AN
ALL-AROUND ENTERTAINER.
I'M SURPRISED YOU DIDN'T
INVITE ME TO BE ON THE SHOW.
SEE, I DO COMEDY, MAGIC... YOU
KNOW, I DO ALL SORTS OF THINGS.
LISTEN, MISTER, WE'RE
DOING A SHOW HERE.
YOU BETTER GET OFF ME 'FORE
I MOVE MY BOWELS ON YOU.
NOW, I... I DON'T THINK THAT'LL BE
NECESSARY. LOOK, JUST LET HIM STAY, YOU KNOW.
SINCE THE SHOW IS
ABOUT PEOPLE LIKE HIM,
I THINK MAYBE IT'S ONLY FAIR THAT
WE SHOULD LET HIM PERFORM, OKAY?
I THINK... WHAT DO YOU SAY?
SO, OKAY. ALL RIGHT, SO, UH... SO
LET'S-LET'S SEE WHAT YOU CAN DO.
ANTON? YEAH, OKAY.
WELL, MY FIRST MAGIC TRICK,
I'M GONNA MAKE
WHOOPI HERE DISAPPEAR.
NOW, I SAY, HOCUS-POCUS,
BROCCOLI AND OCRAS,
COUPLE OF VIENNA
SAUSAGE, A HARD-BOILED EGG,
AND SOME LEFTOVER CHINESE FOOD.
OH, GOD, MAN! DISAPPEAR!
TA-DA!
OKAY, JUST LIKE GHOST.
YOU KNOW, ITS GOOD TO BE BACK IN
L.A. I JUST SPENT TIME ON THE ROAD.
ACTUALLY, IT WAS
MORE LIKE THE GROUND.
BA-DUM-BUM. THAT'S A "BUM ROLL."
I JUST FLEW IN FROM THE SPERM
BANK, AND BOY ARE MY ARMS TIRED.
SERIOUSLY, FOLKS, SERIOUSLY,
I WAS STANDING IN LINE...
AT THE SOUP KITCHEN THE OTHER
DAY, A WOMAN COMES UP TO ME.
SHE SAID, "HEY, WHAT'S YOUR
SIGN?" I SAID, "WILL WORK FOR FOOD."
AND NOW, FOR ANOTHER MAGIC
TRICK, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE NEVER-ENDING BOOGER.
HERE, BRING THAT
HOME TO YOUR KIDS.
ALL RIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'D
LIKE TO INTRODUCE A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE.
THIS IS MY LITTLE
HOMELESS PAL, SQUEEGEE.
SAY HELLO TO THE
PEOPLE, SQUEEGEE.
HEY, HELLO, HOW'S
EVERYBODY? WHERE WE AT?
OH, WE'RE AT THE COMIC RELEEF.
OKAY, WELL, THEN,
LET ME RELIEVE MYSELF.
THANK YOU, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, THANK YOU.
LISTEN, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M
NOT GONNA HOG THE WHOLE SHOW,
BECAUSE I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE...
A VERY PERSONAL FRIEND OF MINE,
A DISCOVERY OF MY OWN.
I MET THIS WOMAN IN MY BOX,
AND I'VE BEEN TRYING TO
UNWRAP HERS EVER SINCE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GIVE
IT UP FOR MISS SHIRLEY DUPREE!
GIVE IT UP, DAMN IT. I
DIDN'T COME ALL THE WAY...
FROM THE BETTY FORD CENTER HERE TONIGHT
FOR YOU TO LOOK AT ME LIKE I'M CRAZY.
PUT THEM HANDS TOGETHER
AND GIVE UP THE CLAP!
THANK YOU. YES, I JUST
FLEW IN FROM BETTY'S PLACE,
AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW...
THAT BETTY CAN HAVE
MY ENDORSEMENT ANY DAY.
I HAD A BALL.
BY THE WAY,
I WAS INTRODUCED
TONIGHT AS SHIRLEY DUPREE.
BUT I'M KNOWN AMONG MY PEERS...
ON THE JAZZ CIRCUIT...
AS SHIRLEY "THUNDERBUTT"...
DUPREE.
WHY YOU LAUGHING?
I KNOW WHY YOU'RE LAUGHING. YOU'RE
SAYING, "WELL, WHERE'S THE BUTT?"
WELL, I WANT ALL Y'ALL
TO KNOW SOMETHING.
I WAS A FINE, YOUNG,
SEXY THING IN MY DAY.
I HAD BREASTS AS
BIG AS BASKETBALLS,
AND A BUTT BIGGER
THAN OPRAH WINFREY'S...
AND NELL CARTER'S PUT TOGETHER.
AND IF I'M LYIN', I'M FLYIN'. AS YOU
CAN SEE, I'M STILL HERE ON THE GROUND.
I WANT TO THANK WHIPPI...
WHOPPI... WONTON...
WHATEVER HER NAME IS,
FOR HELPING THE HOMELESS PEOPLE.
WE HOMELESS PEOPLE
GOT TO STICK TOGETHER,
AND WE'VE GOTTA GET OUR OWN.
WHICH REMINDS ME OF A SONG MY GOOD,
DEAD FRIEND BILLIE HOLIDAY USED TO SING.
♪ THEM THAT'S GOT SHALL HAVE ♪
♪ THEM THAT'S NOT SHALL LOSE ♪
SOUND LIKE HER, DON'T I?
♪ SO THE BIBLE SAYS ♪
♪ AND IT STILL IS ♪
♪ NEWS ♪
OH, YEAH. COME ON.
HELP ME OUT HERE, ANTON.
HELP ME OUT, BABY.
♪ MAMA MAY HAVE ♪
♪♪
♪ PAPA MAY HAVE ♪
♪ BUT GOD BLESS THE CHILD ♪
♪ THAT'S GOT HIS OWN ♪
♪ THAT'S GOT HIS ♪
♪♪
♪ OW-OW-OW-OWN ♪♪
THANK YOU.
DAMN, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD SING
LIKE THAT. MAMA, YOU SURE CAN BLOW.
YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET.
HEY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WE HAD A GREAT TIME TONIGHT.
AND I JUST WANT TO REMIND YOU... WE ALL
WANT TO REMIND YOU... GET OUT AND VOTE.
IT'S THE ONLY WAY WE CAN
BRING ABOUT CHANGE. VOTE!
♪♪
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP AND
SIP ON A DREAM ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE ON A
FUNKY SCENE ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO, GO ♪♪
AND NOW, ANOTHER EPISODE
OF THE HEAD DETECTIVE.
I DON'T SEE ANYTHING,
DETECTIVE HEAD.
IT SMELLS LIKE A SETUP TO ME.
BUT YOU WOULDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT
THAT, BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST A STUPID ROOKIE.
HEY, HEY, HEY! I'M
NOT STUPID, OKAY?
BESIDES, WHY DO
THEY CALL YOU "HEAD"?
SOMETHING CRAZY FROM
YOUR COLLEGE DAYS, HUH?
JUST GO CHECK OUT THE BACK.
I'LL KEEP AN EYE ON THINGS HERE.
OKAY. WAIT, WAIT. WE NEED A CODE
WORD YOU CAN YELL IF YOU GET IN TROUBLE.
HOW 'BOUT "HELP," YOU IDIOT?
GOT IT. NO PROBLEM.
I'M GONNA CAMOUFLAGE YOU.
MMM, RIPE AND READY TO EAT.
AND YOU, MI AMIGO, ARE
RIPE AND READY TO DIE.
THE DOMINGUEZ BROTHERS...
MANNY, MOE AND JOAQUIN.
I THOUGHT I SENT YOU
TO PRISON FOR LIFE.
YEAH, BUT WITH GOOD BEHAVIOR...
PHHT! GOT OUT IN THREE MONTHS.
AND WE SPENT THOSE THREE
LONG MESES DREAMING OF THE DAY...
WHEN WE COULD PUT YOU
THROUGH YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE.
NO, NO, NOT JUGGLING. HELP!
FREEZE! HELP!
DAMN, THAT SOUNDS LIKE HEAD. BUT
HE DEFINITELY SAID, "HELP, YOU IDIOT."
HE'S JUST YELLING "HELP."
HE'S PROBABLY TESTING
ME. OH, IT'S A TRAP.
THINK YOU'RE SLICK, HEAD.
FREEZE.
BUENAS NOCHES, LA CABEZA. PULL!
GO ON!
DOC! IS HE GONNA MAKE IT?
IT'S TOUCH AND GO AT THIS
POINT, SON. WE... HAD TO AMPUTATE.
AMPUTATE? WHAT-WHAT PART?
MAYBE WE SHOULD SIT DOWN.
DAMN IT, DOC! GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT.
HIS HANDS AND HIS FEET. OH, GOD!
WE WERE ABLE TO SAVE HIS EARS.
CAN I SEE HIM, DOC? DO YOU
HAVE A STRONG STOMACH, SON?
YEAH. GO AHEAD.
COME ON, SIR.
YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT. JUST
HOLD ON. YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT.
OKAY?
NO, SIR, I WON'T LET YOU GO!
CLEAR!
UUH!
CLEAR!
OW!
ROOKIE? SIR?
IS THAT YOU, ROOKIE? YOU BET!
I CAN'T FEEL MY ARMS. THEY'RE
IN THE OTHER ROOM, SIR.
ROOKIE, COME HERE. HUH?
COME CLOSER. YEAH?
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH
YOU, LEAVING ME ALONE LIKE THAT?
GET ME OUT OF HERE.
IT'S PAYBACK TIME.
♪♪
HEY, CHECK HERE. WE GOT A PACKAGE
FOR THE DOMINGUEZ BROTHERS.
IT'S FROM JUAN
VALDEZ, A PIÑATA-GRAM.
HEY, SOMEBODY
LIKES US. ALL RIGHT!
IT'LL MAKE HIDING FROM THE
LAW A LITTLE BIT MORE FUN.
AH, ¡MIRA! IT'S PARTY TIME!
- OKAY, FREEZE, JALAPEÑOS. YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.
- ¡LA CABEZA!
NO! N-NO! HEADS UP, WISEGUY.
- LOOK OUT, HEAD!
- YOU MAY HAVE WON THIS TIME,
LA CABEZA,
BUT I'M GOING TO
HAVE THE LAST LAUGH.
HEAD!
HA-HA-HA! ¡AY!
I GOT YOU, HEAD! I GOT YOU!
COME ON, BABY. COME ON.
WHOO-HOO! THANKS, ROOKIE.
YEAH!
HEAD? HEAD?
THIS HAS BEEN ANOTHER
EPISODE OF THE HEAD DETECTIVE.
EXCUSE ME, MADAM. COULD I HAVE
A MOMENT OF YOUR TIME, PLEASE?
I'M SORRY, I'M IN A HURRY. I'VE GOT
A PLANE TO CATCH. PLEASE, WAIT.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I'M NOT A BEGGAR, I'M A
POET, AND I'D LIKE TO READ YOU A SHORT POEM.
NOW, IF YOU LIKE MY POEM, THEN
I'D APPRECIATE A SMALL DONATION.
IF NOT, THEN ALL I WANT TO
HEAR IS YOUR HONEST CRITICISM.
ALL RIGHT, GO AHEAD.
THANK YOU. I CALL THIS POEM...
"UNIDENTIFIED FLYING OBJECTS."
HARK, WHO GOES THERE?
A BIRD, A BUTTERFLY,
TENDER RAINDROPS FALLING.
A ROCK, A BRICK, A
TIGHTLY CLENCHED FIST.
KA-BANG! CRASHING INTO THE
UNSUSPECTING BITCH'S SKULL.
OUCH! GROAN! A
BLOODCURDLING SCREAM.
AA-AA-AAHH! FINGERS
CLAWING AT PIERCING BLUE EYES!
ALL THE COLORS OF THE RAINBOW,
WHEN ALL I WANTED WAS SOME GREEN.
PAIN, AGONY, MISERY!
THESE ARE A FEW OF
MY FAVORITE THINGS.
TH-THAT WAS VERY GOOD.
UM, HERE TAKE THIS. UH, JUST PLEASE,
DON'T HURT ME! HEY! HEY, THANKS.
THANKS FOR SUPPORTING ARTS.
HAVE A NICE TRIP, LADY. EXCUSE ME, SIR.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY SOME CANDY TO SUPPORT
MY TROOP? SORRY, LITTLE JOHN SINGLETON,
BUT I AIN'T GOT NO...
I AIN'T IN A POSITION RIGHT NOW TO MAKE A
MONETARY CONTRIBUTION TO YOUR CAUSE.
BUT, UH, HAVE A... FEEL FREE TO
TAKE THIS LITTLE POEM BACK WITH YOU...
TO YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS
AT THE CLUBHOUSE, OKAY?
I CALL THIS POEM
"TWINKLE, TWINKLE."
YOU LIKE THAT, RIGHT?
"TWINKLE, TWINKLE."
TWINKLE, TWINKLE, LITTLE SMURF,
SELLING MILK DUDS ON MY TURF.
DISAPPEAR WITHOUT A TRACE.
ON A CARTON OF MILK,
YOU'LL FIND HIS FACE.
TWINKLE, TWINKLE, CANDY MAN,
PUNCHED IN YOUR MOUTH
BY THIS BIG, BLACK HAND.
HEY, THERE, LITTLE FELLA.
IS THIS GUY BOTHERING YOU?
HE'S A BAD MAN!
ALL RIGHT, BUDDY, LET'S
SEE YOUR SOLICITOR'S PERMIT.
HEY, MAN, SINCE WHEN DO YOU NEED A
PERMIT TO RECITE POETRY? ARE YOU A POET?
YEAH! WELL, NOW,
WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?
I'M A BIT OF A POET
MYSELF. GET OUTTA HERE.
YEAH, AND I'D LIKE YOUR
HONEST CRITICISM. OKAY.
NOW, I CALL THIS ONE
"THE POET NEAR GATE 82."
THERE ONCE WAS
A COP ON HIS BEAT...
WHO MET UP WITH A
POET FROM THE STREET.
THE COP THREW HIM IN JAIL,
THE POET COULDN'T MAKE HIS BAIL,
AND NOW HIS NICKNAME
IS JUST "SWEET MEAT"!
WHERE YOU GOING, MAN? YOU'RE
GONNA MISS THE BEST PART!
ALL RIGHT, THE SHOW'S OVER.
COME ON. MOVE A LONG, LITTLE GUY.
♪♪
EAH IT GOES LIKE ONE,
TWO, THREE LIKE THIS ♪
♪ JAMMERS ON THE
WRIST, GIRL POP LA CRISP ♪
♪ I'M THE KING OF THE
CLUB I'M THE ONE YOU LOVE ♪
♪ JAMMERS ON THE
WRIST, GIRL POP LA CRISP ♪
♪ I'M THE KING OF THE
CLUB I'M THE ONE YOU LOVE ♪
♪ JAMMERS ON THE
WRIST, GIRL POP LA CRISP ♪
♪ I'M THE KING OF THE
CLUB I'M THE ONE YOU LOVE ♪
♪ JAMMERS ON THE
WRIST, GIRL POP LA CRISP ♪
♪ I'M THE KING OF THE
CLUB I'M THE ONE YOU LOVE ♪
♪ RAP SUPERSTAR AT THE BAR I'M
LOOKIN' FOR THE CHICK WITH THE BRICK SIX ♪
♪ I'M SLICK SEE ME COMIN' WITH
A POCKETFUL OF BENJAMINS ♪
♪ GENTLEMEN, STEP
ASIDE NO RED ROPE ♪
♪ NO PRIDE I RIDE THE
WAIT-NO-FAME GAME ♪
♪ DON'T CLAIM NAME I'M LIVE ♪
♪ KEPT THE REP HIS STEP KEEP
HITS COME AND KEEP THE BEAT ♪
♪ IN YOUR CHEST, NINE TO FIVE
WE GETTIN' LOVE IN THE CLUB ♪♪
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
BUT YOU KNOW, WAKING
UP EVERY MORNING...
ON A COLD SIDEWALK...
WITH NO FOOD OR SHELTER,
THAT'S NOT SO FUNNY.
THE HOMELESS DON'T NEED OUR
SCORN. THEY NEED OUR RESPECT.
- THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BEG.
- ♪ I AIN'T TOO PROUD TO BEG ♪
♪ SWEET DARLIN' ♪
♪ PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME,
GIRL I DON'T WANT TO GO ♪
OKAY, OKAY. ALL RIGHT, I'LL BITE.
♪ SAYIN', DO IT TO ME, BABY ♪♪
WHO-WHO ARE YOU?
OH, I'M ANTON JACKSON.
IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET
YOUR ACQUAINTANCE.
HEY! HEY, I'M AN
ALL-AROUND ENTERTAINER.
I'M SURPRISED YOU DIDN'T
INVITE ME TO BE ON THE SHOW.
SEE, I DO COMEDY, MAGIC... YOU
KNOW, I DO ALL SORTS OF THINGS.
LISTEN, MISTER, WE'RE
DOING A SHOW HERE.
YOU BETTER GET OFF ME 'FORE
I MOVE MY BOWELS ON YOU.
NOW, I... I DON'T THINK THAT'LL BE
NECESSARY. LOOK, JUST LET HIM STAY, YOU KNOW.
SINCE THE SHOW IS
ABOUT PEOPLE LIKE HIM,
I THINK MAYBE IT'S ONLY FAIR THAT
WE SHOULD LET HIM PERFORM, OKAY?
I THINK... WHAT DO YOU SAY?
SO, OKAY. ALL RIGHT, SO, UH... SO
LET'S-LET'S SEE WHAT YOU CAN DO.
ANTON? YEAH, OKAY.
WELL, MY FIRST MAGIC TRICK,
I'M GONNA MAKE
WHOOPI HERE DISAPPEAR.
NOW, I SAY, HOCUS-POCUS,
BROCCOLI AND OCRAS,
COUPLE OF VIENNA
SAUSAGE, A HARD-BOILED EGG,
AND SOME LEFTOVER CHINESE FOOD.
OH, GOD, MAN! DISAPPEAR!
TA-DA!
OKAY, JUST LIKE GHOST.
YOU KNOW, ITS GOOD TO BE BACK IN
L.A. I JUST SPENT TIME ON THE ROAD.
ACTUALLY, IT WAS
MORE LIKE THE GROUND.
BA-DUM-BUM. THAT'S A "BUM ROLL."
I JUST FLEW IN FROM THE SPERM
BANK, AND BOY ARE MY ARMS TIRED.
SERIOUSLY, FOLKS, SERIOUSLY,
I WAS STANDING IN LINE...
AT THE SOUP KITCHEN THE OTHER
DAY, A WOMAN COMES UP TO ME.
SHE SAID, "HEY, WHAT'S YOUR
SIGN?" I SAID, "WILL WORK FOR FOOD."
AND NOW, FOR ANOTHER MAGIC
TRICK, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE NEVER-ENDING BOOGER.
HERE, BRING THAT
HOME TO YOUR KIDS.
ALL RIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'D
LIKE TO INTRODUCE A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE.
THIS IS MY LITTLE
HOMELESS PAL, SQUEEGEE.
SAY HELLO TO THE
PEOPLE, SQUEEGEE.
HEY, HELLO, HOW'S
EVERYBODY? WHERE WE AT?
OH, WE'RE AT THE COMIC RELEEF.
OKAY, WELL, THEN,
LET ME RELIEVE MYSELF.
THANK YOU, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, THANK YOU.
LISTEN, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M
NOT GONNA HOG THE WHOLE SHOW,
BECAUSE I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE...
A VERY PERSONAL FRIEND OF MINE,
A DISCOVERY OF MY OWN.
I MET THIS WOMAN IN MY BOX,
AND I'VE BEEN TRYING TO
UNWRAP HERS EVER SINCE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GIVE
IT UP FOR MISS SHIRLEY DUPREE!
GIVE IT UP, DAMN IT. I
DIDN'T COME ALL THE WAY...
FROM THE BETTY FORD CENTER HERE TONIGHT
FOR YOU TO LOOK AT ME LIKE I'M CRAZY.
PUT THEM HANDS TOGETHER
AND GIVE UP THE CLAP!
THANK YOU. YES, I JUST
FLEW IN FROM BETTY'S PLACE,
AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW...
THAT BETTY CAN HAVE
MY ENDORSEMENT ANY DAY.
I HAD A BALL.
BY THE WAY,
I WAS INTRODUCED
TONIGHT AS SHIRLEY DUPREE.
BUT I'M KNOWN AMONG MY PEERS...
ON THE JAZZ CIRCUIT...
AS SHIRLEY "THUNDERBUTT"...
DUPREE.
WHY YOU LAUGHING?
I KNOW WHY YOU'RE LAUGHING. YOU'RE
SAYING, "WELL, WHERE'S THE BUTT?"
WELL, I WANT ALL Y'ALL
TO KNOW SOMETHING.
I WAS A FINE, YOUNG,
SEXY THING IN MY DAY.
I HAD BREASTS AS
BIG AS BASKETBALLS,
AND A BUTT BIGGER
THAN OPRAH WINFREY'S...
AND NELL CARTER'S PUT TOGETHER.
AND IF I'M LYIN', I'M FLYIN'. AS YOU
CAN SEE, I'M STILL HERE ON THE GROUND.
I WANT TO THANK WHIPPI...
WHOPPI... WONTON...
WHATEVER HER NAME IS,
FOR HELPING THE HOMELESS PEOPLE.
WE HOMELESS PEOPLE
GOT TO STICK TOGETHER,
AND WE'VE GOTTA GET OUR OWN.
WHICH REMINDS ME OF A SONG MY GOOD,
DEAD FRIEND BILLIE HOLIDAY USED TO SING.
♪ THEM THAT'S GOT SHALL HAVE ♪
♪ THEM THAT'S NOT SHALL LOSE ♪
SOUND LIKE HER, DON'T I?
♪ SO THE BIBLE SAYS ♪
♪ AND IT STILL IS ♪
♪ NEWS ♪
OH, YEAH. COME ON.
HELP ME OUT HERE, ANTON.
HELP ME OUT, BABY.
♪ MAMA MAY HAVE ♪
♪♪
♪ PAPA MAY HAVE ♪
♪ BUT GOD BLESS THE CHILD ♪
♪ THAT'S GOT HIS OWN ♪
♪ THAT'S GOT HIS ♪
♪♪
♪ OW-OW-OW-OWN ♪♪
THANK YOU.
DAMN, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD SING
LIKE THAT. MAMA, YOU SURE CAN BLOW.
YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET.
HEY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WE HAD A GREAT TIME TONIGHT.
AND I JUST WANT TO REMIND YOU... WE ALL
WANT TO REMIND YOU... GET OUT AND VOTE.
IT'S THE ONLY WAY WE CAN
BRING ABOUT CHANGE. VOTE!
♪♪