In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 4, Episode 30 - Calhoun Tubbs - full transcript
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP
AND SIP ON A DREAM ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE
ON A FUNKY SCENE ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO ♪♪
AND NOW WE BRING YOU
THIS SPECIAL ELVIS UPDATE.
HELLO. I'M BILL BIXBY
COMING TO YOU LIVE...
FROM THE REMOTE FIELD
IN ALPINA, MICHIGAN...
WHERE THERE'S BEEN
ANOTHER ELVIS SIGHTING.
WITH ME IS TOM CARTER,
WHO SPOTTED ELVIS FIRST.
TOM, TELL US EXACTLY
WHAT YOU SAW.
WELL, BILLY HERE FOUND SOME ELVIS
DROPPINGS OVER BEHIND ROSIE'S DINER.
WHEN WE GOT THERE, WE
SPOTTED HIM IN THE DUMPSTER.
WELL, I FLUSHED HIM OUT, AND
BOOM, HE TOOK OFF LIKE A RABBIT.
AND NOW WE GOT HIM CORNERED
OVER THERE BEHIND THAT TREE.
I SEE. AND HOW CAN YOU BE
SURE THIS IS THE REAL ELVIS?
WELL, I KNOW THE
KING, AND THAT'S HIM.
GOOD ENOUGH.
LOOK. THERE HE IS.
GET A PICTURE OF THAT.
LOOK AT THOSE MARKINGS.
THE TELLTALE MUTTONCHOPS. IT'S ALL
THERE, FOLKS. LET THE DOGS GO, BOYS.
GO GET HIM, BOYS.
IF HE GETS TO THE
HIGHWAY, WE DONE LOST HIM.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA
KILL HIM, ARE YOU?
NO, WE'RE JUST GONNA PUT
SOME TRANQUILIZERS IN HIM.
WE ALREADY GOT
TWO DARTS IN HIM NOW.
OF COURSE. THE KING HAS ALWAYS HAD
A HIGH TOLERANCE FOR TRANQUILIZERS.
HEY. THERE HE GOES!
WHOO!
HOLD UP. HOLD ON.
HE'S GETTING UP.
- SHOOT HIM AGAIN!
- ARE WE GETTING THIS?
WE GOT HIM NOW, BOYS.
HE'S DOWN. HE'S DOWN.
OH, THIS IS GREAT. THIS IS... THE
SEARCH IS OVER, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
ELVIS LIVES, AND
WE'RE GONNA PROVE IT.
MY AGENT TOLD ME NOT TO
DO THIS. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
THIS IS REALLY
SOMETHING. OH, MY GOSH.
LET'S SEE IF WE CAN GET A WORD
WITH THE KING. ELVIS, I'M BILL BIXBY.
WHY DID YOU FAKE YOUR OWN DEATH?
CAN HE HEAR ME?
LOOK OUT! HE'S COMING TO!
OKAY. HE'S MORE AFRAID
OF US THAN WE ARE OF HIM.
HE'S GONE. HE'S GONE. OH, MAN.
INCREDIBLE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
THREE DARTS IN HIM, AND HE'S STILL GOING.
OH, WE HAD HOPED TO BAG
THE KING TODAY, BUT, UH,
I GUESS ONCE AGAIN HE
GETS THROUGH OUR DRAGNET.
OH, HE'S CHARGING!
GO! GO! GO!
JESUS! INTO THE CAR!
OH, GOD! GO! IN
THE CAR! IN THE CAR!
OH, GEEZ!
GET IN! GET IN THE CAR.
MAY HAVE BITTEN OFF MORE THAN WE CAN
CHEW. BRACE YOURSELVES. HE'S RAMMIN'.
OH, DAMN IT. I DROPPED THE KEYS.
TAKE HIM OUT!
WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR
REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM.
THIS WEEK, IN LIVING
COLOR ASKS THE QUESTION,
WHAT IF BOB HOPE WERE BLACK?
WHAT'S UP? WHAT'S UP?
WHAT'S UP? WHAT'S UP?
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
I WANT Y'ALL TO PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER
FOR THIS NEXT BROTHER COMIN' TO THE STAGE.
GIVE IT UP FOR
MR. BOB HOPE, Y'ALL!
♪♪
YEAH. HEY, THIS IS BOB "DEF
COMEDY JAM" HOPE HERE,
AND I'M ONE ANGRY
BROTHER, I WANNA TELL YOU.
HEY, I'M GETTIN' KIND OF TIRED
OF WHITE PEOPLE THINKIN'...
I'M GONNA STEAL SOMETHIN'
JUST 'CAUSE I'M BLACK.
HEY, WHAT UP WITH
THAT, HUH? YEAH.
YEAH. HEY, I WAS IN THE
STORE THE OTHER DAY.
THIS SALESLADY WAS FOLLOWING ME SO
CLOSE. FINALLY, I TURNED AROUND AND SAID,
"HEY, LOOK, BITCH. WHY DON'T YOU
HOP ON? I'LL GIVE YOU A PIGGYBACK RIDE."
YEAH.
YEAH, BUT... HEY, HOW
ABOUT THESE WHITE GIRLS?
AIN'T THEY SOMETHIN'? YEAH, THEY
REALLY GO FOR US BROTHERS, DON'T THEY?
THAT'S 'CAUSE BROTHERS
KNOW HOW TO DO THE NASTY.
YEAH! YOU KNOW WHAT
THE NASTY IS, DON'T YA?
YEAH. THAT'S THE WILD
THING WITH AN ATTITUDE.
SEE, BROTHERS LIKE TO TAKE OUR
TIME WITH THE LADIES, DON'T WE?
YEAH. MAN, I'M
TELLING YOU, IT'S WILD.
WE CAN STICK... HANUKKAH.
HEY, PEACE! I'M OUTTA HERE!
♪♪
THEY'RE NEGLECTED, THEY'RE
UNWANTED, THEY'RE YOUNG.
AND, YOU KNOW,
THEY'RE AVAILABLE.
HI, I-I'M WOODY ALLEN.
FOR JUST $40 A MONTH, YOU KNOW,
WHICH IS, MIND YOU, A LOT LESS THAN
THE COST OF YOUR ONE HOUR OF ANALYSIS,
YOU COULD NOT ONLY FEED ONE OF THESE...
THESE GORGEOUS, DELICIOUS ASIAN GIRLS,
YOU KNOW, Y-YOU
COULD ALSO DATE ONE.
BELIEVE ME, THEY DON'T
HAVE... THEY DON'T HAVE HOMES.
YOU KNOW, TH-THEY
DON'T HAVE CLOTHES.
THEY DON'T EVEN
HAVE BREASTS YET.
YOU KNOW, JUST-JUST THINK OF IT AS AN
INVESTMENT FOR YOUR FUTURE, YOU KNOW.
JUST-JUST-JUST LOOK AT THE
DIFFERENCE YOU CAN MAKE.
YOU KNOW, RIGHT HERE...
YOU KNOW, 15 YEARS
AGO, THIS GIRL WAS JUST...
A TINY ORPHAN LIVING
IN UTTER SQUALOR.
BUT, YOU KNOW, JUST...
OOH, JUST LOOK AT HER NOW.
OOH, ME SO HUNGRY.
GUESS WHO? PAPA WOODY!
YES, DEAR. PAPA...
YOU KNOW, JUST...
YOU KNOW, DON'T... DON'T,
UH, YOU SAY ANYTHING.
I BELIEVE IT WAS SIGMUND
FREUD WHO, UH, ONCE SAID,
YOU KNOW, A GIRL'S
FIRST LOVE IS HER FATHER.
BUT, YOU KNOW, IF I COULD JUST INTERJECT
RIGHT HERE, YOU KNOW, AT THIS JUNCTURE.
IT WAS A LOT EASIER
AT THAT POINT...
TO SNEAK INTO A SEEDY MOTEL
UNDER AN ASSUMED NAME.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK I'M BEING
FACETIOUS OR REALLY EVEN DIDACTIC...
WHEN I SAY, YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT
EVERYONE WHO'S GOT A WIFE NAIVE ENOUGH...
TO, YOU KNOW, BRING ONE OF THESE NUBILE,
YOUNG GODDESSES HOME WITH HER, YOU KNOW.
BUT, YOU KNOW, HEY, LOOK
WHAT IT'S DONE FOR ME.
AND WHEN IT COMES TO WOMEN,
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A TOTAL LOSER.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS...
WHEN I WAS BREAST-FEEDING,
I REMEMBER MY MOTHER,
SHE SAID TO ME, YOU KNOW,
"I'D KINDA LIKE TO GET TO
YOU KNOW YOU BETTER."
BUT, YOU KNOW, THE REAL
BEAUTY OF THIS OFFER...
IS IT'S TOTALLY TAX-DEDUCTIBLE.
YOU KNOW, SO PLEASE CALL...
1-300-DATE-THE-CHILDREN.
AND IF-IF-IF A WOMAN NAMED MIA
ANSWERS THE PHONE, YOU KNOW,
JUST... HANG UP
AND TRY AFTER 11:00.
HER MEDICATION WILL
HAVE KICKED IN BY THEN.
GO, "K-NICKS"!
THAT'S KNICKS, MY
LITTLE BLOSSOM.
THE NEW YORK KNICKS.
DATE THE CHILDREN.
WHEN A MILLION DOLLARS IN
THERAPY JUST ISN'T ENOUGH.
AND NOW, JAY LENO!
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
THAT'S A GREAT ROUND OF APPLAUSE
THERE. IT GETS ME REAL EXCITED.
MAKES ME SO EXCITED,
MY VOICE GOES REAL HIGH.
YOU KNOW, TONIGHT WE HAVE A
REALLY SIMILAR SHOW FOR YOU,
BUT WHY DON'T WE START
OUT BY INTRODUCING YOU...
TO BRANFORD MARSALIS
AND THE TONIGHT SHOW BAND.
LET'S GET RIGHT TO THE NEWS.
HERE'S SOME OF THE HEADLINES THAT
ARE HAPPENING AROUND OUR COUNTRY.
PEOPLE ARE SENDING
THEM TO US. FIRST HEADLINE:
"CRAZED GUNMAN MOWS
DOWN 15 IN POST OFFICE."
AREN'T THESE PEOPLE TAKING THIS ELVIS
STAMP THING A LITTLE TOO SERIOUSLY?
ALL RIGHT. SECOND HEADLINE SAYS,
"BANK ROBBED, FOUR
SECURITY GUARDS KILLED."
AND WELL WORTH THE
$3.35 AN HOUR, I MUST SAY.
ANYWAY, LET'S GET STARTED.
MY FIRST GUEST IS THE
FIRST BALD PERSON...
TO WIN A GRAMMY
SINCE ISAAC HAYES.
PLEASE WELCOME SINÉAD
O'CONNOR. COME ON OUT HERE, SINÉAD.
♪♪
ALL RIGHT, SINÉAD.
SINÉAD, LET'S RISE FOR THE
SINGING OF OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM.
HUH? KIDDIN' YA! OKAY.
IT'S GOOD YOU CAN
TAKE A JOKE LIKE THAT.
I GUESS IT'S GOOD
TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
I GUESS THE LESSON FOR
THE YOUNG GIRLS OUT HERE IS...
THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER USE THE
DRIVE-THROUGH WINDOW AT SUPERCUTS.
OH, THAT'S VERY FUNNY,
MR. LENO. MAKE YOUR JOKES.
BUT I'M NOT A GIRL,
YOU KNOW. I'M A WOMAN.
THIS IS JUST THE SORT OF SEXIST
ATTITUDE I DEALT WITH ALL MY LIFE,
EVEN IN MY OWN HOMELAND OF IRELAND
WHERE A GROWN WOMAN IS CALLED A LASSIE.
LASSIE, HUH? YOU LOOK MORE
LIKE A MEXICAN HAIRLESS TO ME,
UNCLE FESTER.
YOU KNOW, MAKE YOUR
LITTLE JOKES, MR. LENO,
BUT I'M NOT HERE ON YOUR
SHOW TO PROMOTE MY CAREER.
THIS IS CAPITALIST
BUSINESS. THAT'S WHAT THIS IS.
THIS IS THE PRIME
MINISTER OF NORWAY.
HER COUNTRY ALLOWS THE
KILLING OF THOUSANDS OF WHALES.
YOU KNOW, I WENT
WHALE WATCHING ONCE.
I HEARD THE CAPTAIN
YELL "THERE SHE BLOWS,"
AND I THOUGHT SOMEBODY
HAD SPOTTED MADONNA.
NOW, WHAT HAS THIS CUTE, LITTLE
GUY DONE TO DEPLETE WHATEVER?
NOTHING, BUT I JUST FIND
HIM REALLY IRRITATING.
WELL, I GOT ONE
FOR YOU, MRS. CLEAN.
TEAR THIS ONE UP.
NO. ARSENIO'S A FINE MAN,
AND VERY POLITICALLY CORRECT.
YOU KNOW, WHEN WE WERE DATING,
HE'D OFTEN SAY TO ME... DATING? DATING?
YOU WERE DATING ARSENIO HALL?
- YES. WHAT OF IT?
- YOU HAVE FALLEN FROM GRACE.
YOU ARE NOT LONGER
INVITED ON THIS SHOW.
YOU HAVE SLEPT
WITH THE ANTI-HOST.
CAN YOU IMAGINE IF SHE
AND ARSENIO HAD A KID?
WITH HER BALD HEAD
AND HIS TRIANGLE HEAD,
HE'D COME OUT LOOKIN' LIKE A
"YIELD" SIGN WITH A NOSE RING.
LIKE THIS.
THAT IS IT! I'M LEAVIN'!
FIGHT THE REAL ENEMY!
YEAH? WHY DON'T YOU
GO JOIN A KARATE CLASS?
SEE IF THEY CAN SNATCH THE
PEBBLE FROM YOUR HAND, HUH?
OKAY, WE'RE GONNA TAKE A SHORT
COMMERCIAL BREAK HERE AND BE RIGHT BACK.
♪♪
HEY, HOLD ON. HOLD
ON HERE. WAIT A SECOND.
WHAT HAPPENED TO
BRANFORD AND THE BAND?
OH, SNAP. THEY HAD
TO RUN OFF EARLY.
THEY HAD TO DO THE
ARSENIO HALL SHOW.
WELL, THAT'S IT. THEY'RE BANNED.
THEY'RE BANNED.
THE BAND IS BANNED.
I DON'T CARE. I DON'T
NEED 'EM ANYWAY.
I DON'T. AS LONG AS I STILL
HAVE MY AUDIENCE, RIGHT?
WELL, I SAY IF YOU
CAN'T BEAT 'EM,
YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET BUSY
WITH SOME OF THAT DORITO-EATIN',
CONTROVERSY-DUCKIN',
MOTOR CYCLE-RIDIN',
PRODUCER-FIRIN' JOHNNY
SHOULD'VE STAYED FUNK, HUH?
♪♪
♪ UPTOWN, DOWNTOWN ALL
AROUND TOWN ♪ COME ON!
♪ BUST OUT ♪
YEAH. WHAT?
COME ON. YEAH.
GONNA SET IT LIKE THIS.
♪ BUST OUT WHY YOU
SAYIN' SOMETHIN' ♪
♪ WHAT, YOU NEED SOMETHIN'
MAY YOU BLEED, SON ♪
♪ GIVE ME A REASON
AND I'LL FREEZE 'EM ♪
♪ THEN I'LL LEAVE YOU
SCREAMIN' IN THE STREET ♪
♪ BUST OUT WHY YOU
SAYIN' SOMETHIN' ♪
♪ WHAT, YOU NEED SOMETHIN'
MAY YOU BLEED, SON ♪
♪ GIVE ME A REASON BUST OUT ♪♪
YOU BET YOUR CAREER,
THE SHOW THAT GIVES
AIRTIME TO FORMER STARS...
WITH BIG EGOS AND BAD JUDGMENT.
FOR EXAMPLE, HERE'S
YOUR HOST, BILL COSBY!
THANK YOU. YES, YES, YES.
OKAY, CUT THAT... STOP!
CUT THAT... THANK YOU.
NOW, YOU KNOW THE
RULES OF THE GAME.
I COME OUT AND I
MAKE SILLY FACES...
WHILE THE CONTESTANTS
SUCK UP TO ME...
WHILE I MAKE SILLY
FACES, OR ELSE I SHOOT 'EM.
NO, I'M JUST KIDDIN'. NOW,
LET ME INTRODUCE TO
YOU MY ASSISTANT, MR. T.
HEY, FOOL! HOW YOU DOIN'?
NOW, CORRECT ME IF
I'M WRONG. I WILL, FOOL.
OKAY. NOW... BUT DIDN'T YOU
ONCE HAVE A TOP-RATED TV SERIES?
YOU HAD YOUR OWN CARTOON, AND
YOU HAD GOLD AROUND THE NECK.
- THAT'S RIGHT, FOOL.
- WELL, WHAT HAPPENED?
I WAS A FOOL.
NO ARGUMENT HERE. NOW,
LET'S GREET OUR
CONTESTANTS FOR TONIGHT.
LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR
DELTA BURKE AND SINBAD.
♪♪
BILL! MAN, I JUST GOTTA
SAY ONE THING, MAN.
IT IS CRAZY OUT THERE, MAN!
HOW COME EVERY TIME YOU GET ON AN AIRPLANE,
THEY GIVE YOU THEM LITTLE OLD PILLOWS, MAN?
I SAID, "HEY, MAN, THIS AIN'T
NO PILLOW. THIS IS A TAMPON!"
AND THAT LITTLE BABY... THAT
LITTLE BABY BE CRYIN', MAN!
THAT LITTLE BABY
CRYIN' LOUD! I AIN'T LYIN'!
BABY GOT A BIG OLD BUTT. SINBAD.
SINBAD, HOW MANY TIMES
DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
SHOUT TO BE FUNNY.
YOU JUST HAVE TO MAKE SILLY FACES, YOU
KNOW. THERE YOU GO. MAKE A SILLY FACE.
NOW, DELTA, WHY
IN HEAVEN'S NAME...
DID YOU LEAVE DESIGNING WOMEN?
WELL, MY COSTARS THOUGHT
I WAS GETTIN' A BIG HEAD.
OH, IT AIN'T YOUR HEAD.
IT'S YOUR BIG OLD BUTT!
BIG OLD GREASY BUTT, MAN.
YOU KNOW, WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
DELTA BURKE AND DELTA AIRLINES, MAN?
TWENTY POUNDS, MAN!
I AIN'T LYIN'! I AIN'T LYIN'.
SINBAD, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE THE ONLY
MAN WHO SHAMPOOS HIS HAIR WITH TANG.
NOW, STOP THE
BADGERIN' AND THE ARGUIN'.
NOW, TONIGHT, YOU
TWO WILL BE PLAYING...
FOR THE WALK-ON PART
OF THE TV SHOW MAJOR DAD.
PICK ME! PICK ME! I'LL
START THE WARM-UP! PICK ME!
NOW, OUR CATEGORY, AS
ALWAYS, IS "BAD CAREER MOVES."
NOW, LISTEN TO THE QUESTION.
THIS STAR MADE AN AWFUL CAREER MOVE
WHEN THEY LEFT A POPULAR TV SERIES.
THAT WOULD BE ME.
OH! IT'S GOTTA BE ME.
NO, YOU'RE BOTH WRONG. IT'S ME.
JUST KIDDING. NOW,
NEXT QUESTION.
WHOSE CAREER WENT
DOWN THE TOILET THIS YEAR?
VANILLA ICE.
THAT IS CORRECT.
AND WHOSE CAREER
ENDED THIS YEAR?
UH, DENNIS MILLER.
YOU ARE CORRECT AGAIN. NOW,
HERE IS THE BONUS QUESTION.
WHOSE CAREER IS GOING
TO BE WASHED UP NEXT YEAR?
OH! TOM ARNOLD.
YOU ARE CORRECT AGAIN.
NOW, I'M GLAD TO SAY THAT...
HEY, WHAT IS... WHAT IS GOING
ON, FILTH, FLYIN' AND FLOREN?
CAN'T YOU SEE THAT WE'RE
DOIN' THE SHOW HERE?
WE'RE REPOSSESSING
THIS STUFF, MR. COSBY.
HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO
TELL YA? YOU'VE BEEN CANCELED.
WHAT DO YOU... WHAT DO YOU
MEAN, I'VE BEEN CANCELED?
I'M THE MOST BELOVED FATHER ON
TELEVISION. YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHING.
I DID ALL THE VOICES
FOR FAT ALBERT.
HEY, HEY, HEY. LET BILL STAY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'? NEED A HAND?
HOW DOES 20 BUCKS
SOUND? DEAL, FOOL!
HEY, MAN, LET ME GET SOME
OF THAT ACTION. ME TOO!
SINBAD, DELTA, HOW
COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?
HEY, WORK IS WORK. I DON'T CARE.
I CAN... I CAN BUY THIS NETWORK.
I DON'T NEED YOU TO CANCEL ME.
I GOT MONEY. LOOK AT THIS HERE.
I CAN'T BE CANCELED!
ALL RIGHT, MAN. THIS IS
GARRETT MORRIS. AND CHRIS ROCK.
WE NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO SAY GOOD
NIGHT ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, SO...
AND FINALLY NOW WE'RE
GETTIN' THE CHANCE.
WE'RE GONNA GET OUR ONE
AND ONLY BREAK... MAN, SHUT UP.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
♪♪
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP
AND SIP ON A DREAM ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE
ON A FUNKY SCENE ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO ♪♪
AND NOW WE BRING YOU
THIS SPECIAL ELVIS UPDATE.
HELLO. I'M BILL BIXBY
COMING TO YOU LIVE...
FROM THE REMOTE FIELD
IN ALPINA, MICHIGAN...
WHERE THERE'S BEEN
ANOTHER ELVIS SIGHTING.
WITH ME IS TOM CARTER,
WHO SPOTTED ELVIS FIRST.
TOM, TELL US EXACTLY
WHAT YOU SAW.
WELL, BILLY HERE FOUND SOME ELVIS
DROPPINGS OVER BEHIND ROSIE'S DINER.
WHEN WE GOT THERE, WE
SPOTTED HIM IN THE DUMPSTER.
WELL, I FLUSHED HIM OUT, AND
BOOM, HE TOOK OFF LIKE A RABBIT.
AND NOW WE GOT HIM CORNERED
OVER THERE BEHIND THAT TREE.
I SEE. AND HOW CAN YOU BE
SURE THIS IS THE REAL ELVIS?
WELL, I KNOW THE
KING, AND THAT'S HIM.
GOOD ENOUGH.
LOOK. THERE HE IS.
GET A PICTURE OF THAT.
LOOK AT THOSE MARKINGS.
THE TELLTALE MUTTONCHOPS. IT'S ALL
THERE, FOLKS. LET THE DOGS GO, BOYS.
GO GET HIM, BOYS.
IF HE GETS TO THE
HIGHWAY, WE DONE LOST HIM.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA
KILL HIM, ARE YOU?
NO, WE'RE JUST GONNA PUT
SOME TRANQUILIZERS IN HIM.
WE ALREADY GOT
TWO DARTS IN HIM NOW.
OF COURSE. THE KING HAS ALWAYS HAD
A HIGH TOLERANCE FOR TRANQUILIZERS.
HEY. THERE HE GOES!
WHOO!
HOLD UP. HOLD ON.
HE'S GETTING UP.
- SHOOT HIM AGAIN!
- ARE WE GETTING THIS?
WE GOT HIM NOW, BOYS.
HE'S DOWN. HE'S DOWN.
OH, THIS IS GREAT. THIS IS... THE
SEARCH IS OVER, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
ELVIS LIVES, AND
WE'RE GONNA PROVE IT.
MY AGENT TOLD ME NOT TO
DO THIS. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
THIS IS REALLY
SOMETHING. OH, MY GOSH.
LET'S SEE IF WE CAN GET A WORD
WITH THE KING. ELVIS, I'M BILL BIXBY.
WHY DID YOU FAKE YOUR OWN DEATH?
CAN HE HEAR ME?
LOOK OUT! HE'S COMING TO!
OKAY. HE'S MORE AFRAID
OF US THAN WE ARE OF HIM.
HE'S GONE. HE'S GONE. OH, MAN.
INCREDIBLE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
THREE DARTS IN HIM, AND HE'S STILL GOING.
OH, WE HAD HOPED TO BAG
THE KING TODAY, BUT, UH,
I GUESS ONCE AGAIN HE
GETS THROUGH OUR DRAGNET.
OH, HE'S CHARGING!
GO! GO! GO!
JESUS! INTO THE CAR!
OH, GOD! GO! IN
THE CAR! IN THE CAR!
OH, GEEZ!
GET IN! GET IN THE CAR.
MAY HAVE BITTEN OFF MORE THAN WE CAN
CHEW. BRACE YOURSELVES. HE'S RAMMIN'.
OH, DAMN IT. I DROPPED THE KEYS.
TAKE HIM OUT!
WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR
REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM.
THIS WEEK, IN LIVING
COLOR ASKS THE QUESTION,
WHAT IF BOB HOPE WERE BLACK?
WHAT'S UP? WHAT'S UP?
WHAT'S UP? WHAT'S UP?
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
I WANT Y'ALL TO PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER
FOR THIS NEXT BROTHER COMIN' TO THE STAGE.
GIVE IT UP FOR
MR. BOB HOPE, Y'ALL!
♪♪
YEAH. HEY, THIS IS BOB "DEF
COMEDY JAM" HOPE HERE,
AND I'M ONE ANGRY
BROTHER, I WANNA TELL YOU.
HEY, I'M GETTIN' KIND OF TIRED
OF WHITE PEOPLE THINKIN'...
I'M GONNA STEAL SOMETHIN'
JUST 'CAUSE I'M BLACK.
HEY, WHAT UP WITH
THAT, HUH? YEAH.
YEAH. HEY, I WAS IN THE
STORE THE OTHER DAY.
THIS SALESLADY WAS FOLLOWING ME SO
CLOSE. FINALLY, I TURNED AROUND AND SAID,
"HEY, LOOK, BITCH. WHY DON'T YOU
HOP ON? I'LL GIVE YOU A PIGGYBACK RIDE."
YEAH.
YEAH, BUT... HEY, HOW
ABOUT THESE WHITE GIRLS?
AIN'T THEY SOMETHIN'? YEAH, THEY
REALLY GO FOR US BROTHERS, DON'T THEY?
THAT'S 'CAUSE BROTHERS
KNOW HOW TO DO THE NASTY.
YEAH! YOU KNOW WHAT
THE NASTY IS, DON'T YA?
YEAH. THAT'S THE WILD
THING WITH AN ATTITUDE.
SEE, BROTHERS LIKE TO TAKE OUR
TIME WITH THE LADIES, DON'T WE?
YEAH. MAN, I'M
TELLING YOU, IT'S WILD.
WE CAN STICK... HANUKKAH.
HEY, PEACE! I'M OUTTA HERE!
♪♪
THEY'RE NEGLECTED, THEY'RE
UNWANTED, THEY'RE YOUNG.
AND, YOU KNOW,
THEY'RE AVAILABLE.
HI, I-I'M WOODY ALLEN.
FOR JUST $40 A MONTH, YOU KNOW,
WHICH IS, MIND YOU, A LOT LESS THAN
THE COST OF YOUR ONE HOUR OF ANALYSIS,
YOU COULD NOT ONLY FEED ONE OF THESE...
THESE GORGEOUS, DELICIOUS ASIAN GIRLS,
YOU KNOW, Y-YOU
COULD ALSO DATE ONE.
BELIEVE ME, THEY DON'T
HAVE... THEY DON'T HAVE HOMES.
YOU KNOW, TH-THEY
DON'T HAVE CLOTHES.
THEY DON'T EVEN
HAVE BREASTS YET.
YOU KNOW, JUST-JUST THINK OF IT AS AN
INVESTMENT FOR YOUR FUTURE, YOU KNOW.
JUST-JUST-JUST LOOK AT THE
DIFFERENCE YOU CAN MAKE.
YOU KNOW, RIGHT HERE...
YOU KNOW, 15 YEARS
AGO, THIS GIRL WAS JUST...
A TINY ORPHAN LIVING
IN UTTER SQUALOR.
BUT, YOU KNOW, JUST...
OOH, JUST LOOK AT HER NOW.
OOH, ME SO HUNGRY.
GUESS WHO? PAPA WOODY!
YES, DEAR. PAPA...
YOU KNOW, JUST...
YOU KNOW, DON'T... DON'T,
UH, YOU SAY ANYTHING.
I BELIEVE IT WAS SIGMUND
FREUD WHO, UH, ONCE SAID,
YOU KNOW, A GIRL'S
FIRST LOVE IS HER FATHER.
BUT, YOU KNOW, IF I COULD JUST INTERJECT
RIGHT HERE, YOU KNOW, AT THIS JUNCTURE.
IT WAS A LOT EASIER
AT THAT POINT...
TO SNEAK INTO A SEEDY MOTEL
UNDER AN ASSUMED NAME.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK I'M BEING
FACETIOUS OR REALLY EVEN DIDACTIC...
WHEN I SAY, YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT
EVERYONE WHO'S GOT A WIFE NAIVE ENOUGH...
TO, YOU KNOW, BRING ONE OF THESE NUBILE,
YOUNG GODDESSES HOME WITH HER, YOU KNOW.
BUT, YOU KNOW, HEY, LOOK
WHAT IT'S DONE FOR ME.
AND WHEN IT COMES TO WOMEN,
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A TOTAL LOSER.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS...
WHEN I WAS BREAST-FEEDING,
I REMEMBER MY MOTHER,
SHE SAID TO ME, YOU KNOW,
"I'D KINDA LIKE TO GET TO
YOU KNOW YOU BETTER."
BUT, YOU KNOW, THE REAL
BEAUTY OF THIS OFFER...
IS IT'S TOTALLY TAX-DEDUCTIBLE.
YOU KNOW, SO PLEASE CALL...
1-300-DATE-THE-CHILDREN.
AND IF-IF-IF A WOMAN NAMED MIA
ANSWERS THE PHONE, YOU KNOW,
JUST... HANG UP
AND TRY AFTER 11:00.
HER MEDICATION WILL
HAVE KICKED IN BY THEN.
GO, "K-NICKS"!
THAT'S KNICKS, MY
LITTLE BLOSSOM.
THE NEW YORK KNICKS.
DATE THE CHILDREN.
WHEN A MILLION DOLLARS IN
THERAPY JUST ISN'T ENOUGH.
AND NOW, JAY LENO!
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
THAT'S A GREAT ROUND OF APPLAUSE
THERE. IT GETS ME REAL EXCITED.
MAKES ME SO EXCITED,
MY VOICE GOES REAL HIGH.
YOU KNOW, TONIGHT WE HAVE A
REALLY SIMILAR SHOW FOR YOU,
BUT WHY DON'T WE START
OUT BY INTRODUCING YOU...
TO BRANFORD MARSALIS
AND THE TONIGHT SHOW BAND.
LET'S GET RIGHT TO THE NEWS.
HERE'S SOME OF THE HEADLINES THAT
ARE HAPPENING AROUND OUR COUNTRY.
PEOPLE ARE SENDING
THEM TO US. FIRST HEADLINE:
"CRAZED GUNMAN MOWS
DOWN 15 IN POST OFFICE."
AREN'T THESE PEOPLE TAKING THIS ELVIS
STAMP THING A LITTLE TOO SERIOUSLY?
ALL RIGHT. SECOND HEADLINE SAYS,
"BANK ROBBED, FOUR
SECURITY GUARDS KILLED."
AND WELL WORTH THE
$3.35 AN HOUR, I MUST SAY.
ANYWAY, LET'S GET STARTED.
MY FIRST GUEST IS THE
FIRST BALD PERSON...
TO WIN A GRAMMY
SINCE ISAAC HAYES.
PLEASE WELCOME SINÉAD
O'CONNOR. COME ON OUT HERE, SINÉAD.
♪♪
ALL RIGHT, SINÉAD.
SINÉAD, LET'S RISE FOR THE
SINGING OF OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM.
HUH? KIDDIN' YA! OKAY.
IT'S GOOD YOU CAN
TAKE A JOKE LIKE THAT.
I GUESS IT'S GOOD
TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
I GUESS THE LESSON FOR
THE YOUNG GIRLS OUT HERE IS...
THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER USE THE
DRIVE-THROUGH WINDOW AT SUPERCUTS.
OH, THAT'S VERY FUNNY,
MR. LENO. MAKE YOUR JOKES.
BUT I'M NOT A GIRL,
YOU KNOW. I'M A WOMAN.
THIS IS JUST THE SORT OF SEXIST
ATTITUDE I DEALT WITH ALL MY LIFE,
EVEN IN MY OWN HOMELAND OF IRELAND
WHERE A GROWN WOMAN IS CALLED A LASSIE.
LASSIE, HUH? YOU LOOK MORE
LIKE A MEXICAN HAIRLESS TO ME,
UNCLE FESTER.
YOU KNOW, MAKE YOUR
LITTLE JOKES, MR. LENO,
BUT I'M NOT HERE ON YOUR
SHOW TO PROMOTE MY CAREER.
THIS IS CAPITALIST
BUSINESS. THAT'S WHAT THIS IS.
THIS IS THE PRIME
MINISTER OF NORWAY.
HER COUNTRY ALLOWS THE
KILLING OF THOUSANDS OF WHALES.
YOU KNOW, I WENT
WHALE WATCHING ONCE.
I HEARD THE CAPTAIN
YELL "THERE SHE BLOWS,"
AND I THOUGHT SOMEBODY
HAD SPOTTED MADONNA.
NOW, WHAT HAS THIS CUTE, LITTLE
GUY DONE TO DEPLETE WHATEVER?
NOTHING, BUT I JUST FIND
HIM REALLY IRRITATING.
WELL, I GOT ONE
FOR YOU, MRS. CLEAN.
TEAR THIS ONE UP.
NO. ARSENIO'S A FINE MAN,
AND VERY POLITICALLY CORRECT.
YOU KNOW, WHEN WE WERE DATING,
HE'D OFTEN SAY TO ME... DATING? DATING?
YOU WERE DATING ARSENIO HALL?
- YES. WHAT OF IT?
- YOU HAVE FALLEN FROM GRACE.
YOU ARE NOT LONGER
INVITED ON THIS SHOW.
YOU HAVE SLEPT
WITH THE ANTI-HOST.
CAN YOU IMAGINE IF SHE
AND ARSENIO HAD A KID?
WITH HER BALD HEAD
AND HIS TRIANGLE HEAD,
HE'D COME OUT LOOKIN' LIKE A
"YIELD" SIGN WITH A NOSE RING.
LIKE THIS.
THAT IS IT! I'M LEAVIN'!
FIGHT THE REAL ENEMY!
YEAH? WHY DON'T YOU
GO JOIN A KARATE CLASS?
SEE IF THEY CAN SNATCH THE
PEBBLE FROM YOUR HAND, HUH?
OKAY, WE'RE GONNA TAKE A SHORT
COMMERCIAL BREAK HERE AND BE RIGHT BACK.
♪♪
HEY, HOLD ON. HOLD
ON HERE. WAIT A SECOND.
WHAT HAPPENED TO
BRANFORD AND THE BAND?
OH, SNAP. THEY HAD
TO RUN OFF EARLY.
THEY HAD TO DO THE
ARSENIO HALL SHOW.
WELL, THAT'S IT. THEY'RE BANNED.
THEY'RE BANNED.
THE BAND IS BANNED.
I DON'T CARE. I DON'T
NEED 'EM ANYWAY.
I DON'T. AS LONG AS I STILL
HAVE MY AUDIENCE, RIGHT?
WELL, I SAY IF YOU
CAN'T BEAT 'EM,
YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET BUSY
WITH SOME OF THAT DORITO-EATIN',
CONTROVERSY-DUCKIN',
MOTOR CYCLE-RIDIN',
PRODUCER-FIRIN' JOHNNY
SHOULD'VE STAYED FUNK, HUH?
♪♪
♪ UPTOWN, DOWNTOWN ALL
AROUND TOWN ♪ COME ON!
♪ BUST OUT ♪
YEAH. WHAT?
COME ON. YEAH.
GONNA SET IT LIKE THIS.
♪ BUST OUT WHY YOU
SAYIN' SOMETHIN' ♪
♪ WHAT, YOU NEED SOMETHIN'
MAY YOU BLEED, SON ♪
♪ GIVE ME A REASON
AND I'LL FREEZE 'EM ♪
♪ THEN I'LL LEAVE YOU
SCREAMIN' IN THE STREET ♪
♪ BUST OUT WHY YOU
SAYIN' SOMETHIN' ♪
♪ WHAT, YOU NEED SOMETHIN'
MAY YOU BLEED, SON ♪
♪ GIVE ME A REASON BUST OUT ♪♪
YOU BET YOUR CAREER,
THE SHOW THAT GIVES
AIRTIME TO FORMER STARS...
WITH BIG EGOS AND BAD JUDGMENT.
FOR EXAMPLE, HERE'S
YOUR HOST, BILL COSBY!
THANK YOU. YES, YES, YES.
OKAY, CUT THAT... STOP!
CUT THAT... THANK YOU.
NOW, YOU KNOW THE
RULES OF THE GAME.
I COME OUT AND I
MAKE SILLY FACES...
WHILE THE CONTESTANTS
SUCK UP TO ME...
WHILE I MAKE SILLY
FACES, OR ELSE I SHOOT 'EM.
NO, I'M JUST KIDDIN'. NOW,
LET ME INTRODUCE TO
YOU MY ASSISTANT, MR. T.
HEY, FOOL! HOW YOU DOIN'?
NOW, CORRECT ME IF
I'M WRONG. I WILL, FOOL.
OKAY. NOW... BUT DIDN'T YOU
ONCE HAVE A TOP-RATED TV SERIES?
YOU HAD YOUR OWN CARTOON, AND
YOU HAD GOLD AROUND THE NECK.
- THAT'S RIGHT, FOOL.
- WELL, WHAT HAPPENED?
I WAS A FOOL.
NO ARGUMENT HERE. NOW,
LET'S GREET OUR
CONTESTANTS FOR TONIGHT.
LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR
DELTA BURKE AND SINBAD.
♪♪
BILL! MAN, I JUST GOTTA
SAY ONE THING, MAN.
IT IS CRAZY OUT THERE, MAN!
HOW COME EVERY TIME YOU GET ON AN AIRPLANE,
THEY GIVE YOU THEM LITTLE OLD PILLOWS, MAN?
I SAID, "HEY, MAN, THIS AIN'T
NO PILLOW. THIS IS A TAMPON!"
AND THAT LITTLE BABY... THAT
LITTLE BABY BE CRYIN', MAN!
THAT LITTLE BABY
CRYIN' LOUD! I AIN'T LYIN'!
BABY GOT A BIG OLD BUTT. SINBAD.
SINBAD, HOW MANY TIMES
DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
SHOUT TO BE FUNNY.
YOU JUST HAVE TO MAKE SILLY FACES, YOU
KNOW. THERE YOU GO. MAKE A SILLY FACE.
NOW, DELTA, WHY
IN HEAVEN'S NAME...
DID YOU LEAVE DESIGNING WOMEN?
WELL, MY COSTARS THOUGHT
I WAS GETTIN' A BIG HEAD.
OH, IT AIN'T YOUR HEAD.
IT'S YOUR BIG OLD BUTT!
BIG OLD GREASY BUTT, MAN.
YOU KNOW, WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
DELTA BURKE AND DELTA AIRLINES, MAN?
TWENTY POUNDS, MAN!
I AIN'T LYIN'! I AIN'T LYIN'.
SINBAD, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE THE ONLY
MAN WHO SHAMPOOS HIS HAIR WITH TANG.
NOW, STOP THE
BADGERIN' AND THE ARGUIN'.
NOW, TONIGHT, YOU
TWO WILL BE PLAYING...
FOR THE WALK-ON PART
OF THE TV SHOW MAJOR DAD.
PICK ME! PICK ME! I'LL
START THE WARM-UP! PICK ME!
NOW, OUR CATEGORY, AS
ALWAYS, IS "BAD CAREER MOVES."
NOW, LISTEN TO THE QUESTION.
THIS STAR MADE AN AWFUL CAREER MOVE
WHEN THEY LEFT A POPULAR TV SERIES.
THAT WOULD BE ME.
OH! IT'S GOTTA BE ME.
NO, YOU'RE BOTH WRONG. IT'S ME.
JUST KIDDING. NOW,
NEXT QUESTION.
WHOSE CAREER WENT
DOWN THE TOILET THIS YEAR?
VANILLA ICE.
THAT IS CORRECT.
AND WHOSE CAREER
ENDED THIS YEAR?
UH, DENNIS MILLER.
YOU ARE CORRECT AGAIN. NOW,
HERE IS THE BONUS QUESTION.
WHOSE CAREER IS GOING
TO BE WASHED UP NEXT YEAR?
OH! TOM ARNOLD.
YOU ARE CORRECT AGAIN.
NOW, I'M GLAD TO SAY THAT...
HEY, WHAT IS... WHAT IS GOING
ON, FILTH, FLYIN' AND FLOREN?
CAN'T YOU SEE THAT WE'RE
DOIN' THE SHOW HERE?
WE'RE REPOSSESSING
THIS STUFF, MR. COSBY.
HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO
TELL YA? YOU'VE BEEN CANCELED.
WHAT DO YOU... WHAT DO YOU
MEAN, I'VE BEEN CANCELED?
I'M THE MOST BELOVED FATHER ON
TELEVISION. YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHING.
I DID ALL THE VOICES
FOR FAT ALBERT.
HEY, HEY, HEY. LET BILL STAY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'? NEED A HAND?
HOW DOES 20 BUCKS
SOUND? DEAL, FOOL!
HEY, MAN, LET ME GET SOME
OF THAT ACTION. ME TOO!
SINBAD, DELTA, HOW
COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?
HEY, WORK IS WORK. I DON'T CARE.
I CAN... I CAN BUY THIS NETWORK.
I DON'T NEED YOU TO CANCEL ME.
I GOT MONEY. LOOK AT THIS HERE.
I CAN'T BE CANCELED!
ALL RIGHT, MAN. THIS IS
GARRETT MORRIS. AND CHRIS ROCK.
WE NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO SAY GOOD
NIGHT ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, SO...
AND FINALLY NOW WE'RE
GETTIN' THE CHANCE.
WE'RE GONNA GET OUR ONE
AND ONLY BREAK... MAN, SHUT UP.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
♪♪