In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 4, Episode 29 - The Best Commerical Parodies - full transcript
THIS IS LOIS CARL
REPORTING LIVE...
FROM THE FIRST ANNUAL
HETEROSEXUAL PRIDE PARADE.
BOY, YOU CAN JUST SMELL THE HORMONES
IN THE AIR AND THE OLD SPICE AS WELL.
YES, NOT SINCE THE KENNEDY BROTHERS HAS THE
WORLD SEEN SUCH A TREMENDOUS CONCENTRATION...
OF RAMPANT HETEROSEXUALITY.
GENTLEMEN, WOULD YOU MIND
HAVING A WORD WITH FOX NEWS?
NOT AT ALL. MY SON IS STRAIGHT,
AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT.
- ALL RIGHT, SIR. HOW LONG HAVE
YOU KNOWN THIS ABOUT YOUR SON?
- OH, VERY EARLY ON.
RAY ALWAYS HAD LIKED TO LOOK AT THE GIRLS
IN THEY BIKINIS EVER SINCE I CAN REMEMBER.
MM-HMM. YEAH, I
TRIED EVERYTHING.
WE HAVE LOOKED AT
EVERY EPISODE OF COMBAT!
I DONE PLAYED EVERY JUDY
GARLAND ALBUM I OWN. NOTHIN'.
BUT, UH, LET ME TELL
YOU SOMETHIN', MISS.
AND YOU CAN TAKE THIS CHECK TO THE BANK AND
CASH IT, AND IF IT BOUNCE, DON'T CALL ME.
I DON'T CARE WHAT MY SON
IS... FAT, SKINNY, TALL, SHORT.
HE'S MY SON. HE'S STRAIGHT,
AND I'M GONNA STAND BEHIND HIM...
I MEAN, UH, BESIDE HIM...
ALL THE WAY. OF COURSE.
NOW, LOVE ME WITH ALL
YOUR STRENGTH, RAY. HOLD ME!
MY SON'S STRAIGHT,
AND I DON'T CARE!
MY SON WILL PICK...
WELL, I GUESS THAT'S WHAT THIS
PARADE IS ALL ABOUT AFTER ALL:
HETEROSEXUALS BEING
PUBLIC AND PROUD.
REPORTING TO YOU LIVE FROM THE HETEROSEXUAL
PRIDE PARADE, THIS IS LOIS CARL FOR FOX NEWS.
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP
AND SIP ON A DREAM ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE
ON A FUNKY SCENE ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD THE TRAIN
NEVER TROUBLES YOU'D BETTER SNUGGLE UP ♪
♪ COUPLE UP ON THE
DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO,
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO ♪♪
THE FOLLOWING IS A PUBLIC
SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT.
THIS IS WHAT A SUPERMODEL LOOKS LIKE
WEARING A TIGHT, FORM-FITTING STRING BIKINI.
LOOK CLOSELY.
BEAUTIFUL. NOW THIS
IS WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE.
SUPERMODEL,
YOU.
YOU ARE NOT THIN.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, STOP IT.
THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE
ANNOUNCEMENT FOR YOU OWN GOOD.
THAT'S AWESOME.
HEY, KIDS. OKAY. GATHER 'ROUND,
EVERYONE. TAKE A SEAT. ALL RIGHT.
IN HONOR OF TIMMY'S BIRTHDAY TONIGHT,
CHUCK E. CHEDDAR PIZZA-TIME FUN HOUSE...
IS READY TO PRESENT THE MOST
FAMOUS SINGIN' MOUSE WEST OF THE PECOS.
PLEASE GIVE A WARM
WELCOME AND A BIG HEL-L-LO...
TO THE GRAND MARSHAL OF THE
RODENT RODEO, CALHOUN TUBBS! COME ON!
HEY, KIDS! HEY, HOW'S
EVERYBODY DOIN'?
HEY, NOW. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIMMY.
ALL RIGHT, NOW. HOW YOU FEELIN'?
HEY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? YOU ACT LIKE
NEVER SEEN A BLACK MAN. ALL RIGHT, NOW.
LOOK HERE. WHO WANNA
HEAR A SONG? I DO! I DO!
I SAID, WHO WANNA
HEAR A SONG? I DO! I DO!
ALL RIGHT, NOW. NOW, HERE... THAT'S
GOOD. NOW, HERE'S A OLD FAVORITE OF MINE.
Y'ALL CAN SING ALONG, IF YOU
WANT. LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GO.
♪♪ ♪ OLD MacDONALD HAD A FARM ♪
EE-I, EE-I, O ♪
♪ AND ON THAT FARM HE
HAD A WIFE ♪ ♪ EE-I, EE-I, O ♪
♪ OH, THAT'S UNTIL
SHE DIVORCED HIM ♪
♪ AND TOOK HIM FOR
EVERYTHING HE HAD ♪ ♪♪
♪ NA-A-AH, HA-A-A, HA ♪♪
THANK YOU VERY MUCH! ♪♪
HEY, DOOFUS, THAT AIN'T
THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO GO.
WELL, YEAH. YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU A VERY SMART KID, AIN'T YA?
- SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT
YOU'RE NOT A FAMOUS SINGER.
- WELL, I BET I AM.
I SOLD MORE ALBUMS THAN
MICHAEL JACKSON AND THE BEATLES...
IN, UH, UPPER NEW JERSEY.
WELL, I NEVER HEARD OF YOU. WHEN I
GROW UP, I'M GONNA BE REALLY FAMOUS.
YEAH, WELL, I BET YOU WILL BE.
IN FACT, I WROTE A SONG 'BOUT IT.
LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GO.
♪ LITTLE SMART-ASS
GONNA BE FAMOUS ♪
♪ YOUR PICTURE GONNA
END UP ON A CARTON OF MILK ♪
♪♪ NA-A-AH, HA-A-A, HA ♪♪
THANK YOU VERY MUCH! ♪♪
HEY, YOU... YOU WANT A
SLICE OF PIZZA, MISTER? AH, NO.
NO, THANK YOU THERE, SON. CALHOUN DON'T TOUCH
THAT PIZZA FROM CHUCK E. CHEDDAR NO MORE.
WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT.
LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GO.
♪ CHUCK E. CHEDDAR PIZZA IS
SMOTHERED IN TASTY TOPPIN'S ♪
♪ NO EXTRA CHARGE FOR THE
FINGERNAILS ROACHES AND RAT HAIR ♪
♪♪ ♪ NA-A-AH, HA-A-A, HA
♪♪ THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
♪♪ MR. TUBBS?
YEAH. THIS IS SUICIDE MUSIC.
NO. WHAT'D YOU EXPECT, MAN? I'M A
BLUES SINGER. I'M SINGIN' 'BOUT THE BLUES.
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU ARE. I
HIRED YOU TO ENTERTAIN THESE KIDS.
ALL YOU'RE DOING IS
SCARING 'EM. WELL, IS THAT SO?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M AWFUL SORRY, MAN.
SEE, I AIN'T NEVER WROTE NO SONG UP THAT'S
SUPPOSED TO CHEER UP THE LITTLE CHILDREN.
BUT I THINK I COULD RIGHT
NOW. LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GO.
♪ AIN'T NO MONSTERS
IN THE CLOSET ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOUR DADDY'S UP IN THERE
WEARIN' YOUR MAMAS DRAWERS ♪
♪♪ NA-A-AH, HA-A-A, HA ♪♪
THANK YOU VERY MUCH! ♪♪
- HEY, MISTER,
YOU REALLY SING CRAPPY.
- YOU BITE.
- BOOGER-EATIN' MORON.
- WHY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I'M SORRY ABOUT THIS, MA'AM. WE
HIRED HIM YESTERDAY. I'D NEVER...
LISTEN, MR. CHUCK E. CHEDDAR
CHEESE. HE'S RUINING TIMMY'S BIRTHDAY.
YOU BETTER BRING
OUT THE BIRTHDAY CAKE.
RABBIT! BRING YOUR DAMN CAKE.
OOH! YOU LISTEN TO ME, CALHOUN.
YOU WILL NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN
AGAIN IF YOU DON'T ENTERTAIN THESE KIDS.
AND YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET PAID
EITHER. WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?
I THINK I CAN HANDLE THAT. ALL RIGHT,
NOW, KIDDIES. EVERYBODY LISTEN UP.
- IT'S TIME FOR A BIRTHDAY SONG.
- YOU LIKE TO HEAR IT? YEAH!
I SAY, YOU LIKE
TO HEAR IT? YEAH!
HERE IT GOES!
♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW
FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪
♪ AND IT MIGHT NOT
BE HIS BIRTHDAY ♪
♪ 'CAUSE HE'S ADOPTED AND HE DON'T EVEN
KNOW WHO HIS MAMA AND DADDY REALLY ARE ♪♪
GET AWAY FROM ME. YOU'RE NOT
MY REAL MOM! TIMMY, COME BACK!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
THANK YOU FOR THAT
STANDING OVATION. GO! OUT!
I WANT MY MONEY. YOU BETTER
GIVE ME MY MONEY. OUT! OUT!
AND STAY OUT!
COMING SOON TO A
THEATER NEAR YOU:
THELMA & LOUISE JEFFERSON.
WHA-HA! OH, LOUISE,
THIS IS GREAT.
I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD GET
AWAY. DARRYL'S GONNA BE SO UPSET.
SO IS GEORGE. BUT YOU
KNOW WHAT? FORGET HIM.
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO BREAK LOOSE
FROM HIM FOR OVER 20 YEARS...
13 OF WHICH HAVE
BEEN IN SYNDICATION.
WHY HAVE WE STOPPED AT A DRY CLEANER'S? I
THOUGHT YOU BROUGHT EVERYTHING WITH YOU.
WELL, THERE'S ONE
THING I FORGOT.
ALL RIGHT, FREEZE!
I WANT EVERYBODY EMPTY THEIR POCKETS
AND PUT ALL THE MONEY IN THIS BAG.
MOM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHO ARE YOU? I'M
YOUR SON, LIONEL.
LIONEL? WELL, WHICH LIONEL ARE YOU: THE FUNNY
ONE WHO WAS ON THE SHOW FROM THE BEGINNING...
OR THE SECOND ONE THAT
NOBODY REALLY LIKED?
WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?
JUST DON'T GO DOIN' THIS TO YOURSELF.
I SWEAR, IF YOU COME ANY CLOSER, LIONEL, YOU'LL
BE SPEAKING TO MOTHER JEFFERSON IN PERSON.
OKAY, OKAY. CALM DOWN.
WHY ARE YOU DOIN' THIS?
BECAUSE I HAVEN'T WORKED
SINCE REAGAN WAS IN OFFICE.
I FIGURE, THIS WAY AT LEAST I CAN GET
ON COPS OR AMERICA'S MOST WANTED.
OH, COME ON. YOU
KNOW YOU WANT IT.
NO, I DON'T. NOW, GET OFF
ME. NO, I DON'T THINK I WILL...
NOT TILL I SHOW YOU...
THE TOWER OF LONDON.
MR. BENTLEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
OH, HELLO, MRS. JEFFERSON.
YOU LOOK RAVISHING TODAY.
DON'T LET HIM SWEET-TALK YOU, LOUISE. HE
TRIED TO ATTACK ME. MR. BENTLEY, IS THIS TRUE?
OF COURSE NOT, MRS. J. DO I LOOK LIKE THE
SORT OF CHAP WHO COULD DO SUCH A THING?
HE'S LYIN', LOUISE.
DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.
MR. BENTLEY, DO YOU
BELIEVE IN THE ALMIGHTY?
- OF COURSE, MRS. J.
- WELL, YOU'RE ABOUT
TO MEET HIM.
OH, MY GOD, LOUISE.
WE'RE IN TROUBLE.
WELL, LET'S GET THE
HELL OUTTA HERE.
DON'T MISS THOSE
HOTHEADED OUTLAWS...
THELMA & LOUISE JEFFERSON.
THEY'RE "MOVING ON UP"
TO A THEATER NEAR YOU.
U HEARD.
THAT'S A LIE.
THAT JUST PROVES MY POINT.
I-I WANT SOME MORE EGGS, MOM.
MM-HMM. LIKE MARGE SAYS, HONEY,
THAT GIRL WOULD LIE WHEN
THE TRUTH WOULD SOUND BETTER.
YEAH, AND HER HUSBAND
AIN'T NO GOOD EITHER.
MA, JOEY IS CHOKING.
DIDN'T I SEEN HIM OUT WITH CARLA
GREEN TWO WEEKS AGO? UH-HUH.
YEAH. ACTED LIKE HE
DIDN'T EVEN SEE ME. RIGHT?
MA, CAN I GO TO THE
BASEBALL GAME AFTER SCHOOL?
NOW, WHERE'S HE GET OFF TREATIN' HER
LIKE THAT? THAT'S WHAT I WANNA KNOW.
NOT THAT SHE AIN'T NEVER STEPPED
OUT ON HIM. NOW, THAT'S FOR SURE.
MM-HMM. UH, THANKS, HONEY.
MM-HMM. BY THE WAY, THINK
WE BE MAKIN' LOVE TONIGHT?
MM-HMM.
YOU KNOW I WOULDN'T TRUST
HER AS FAR AS I COULD THROW HER?
NO, I WOULDN'T. REMEMBER
LAST YEAR'S PICNIC?
REMEMBER WHAT SHE
DID TO ME? UH-HUH.
I'LL NEVER FORGIVE HER TILL THE
DAY I DIE. AND THAT'S THE TRUTH.
THAT'S JUST PROVES MY POINT.
MAMA! MAMA! LOOK, A FIRE!
OH, HONEY, LISTEN. SHE BETRAYS THE
ONLY FRIENDS SHE EVER HAD IN THE WORLD.
IT'S THE TRUTH. SHE SAID THAT?
OH, PUH-LEASE.
WHAT ABOUT NORMA STONE?
UH-HUH. SHE'S A GOOD FRIEND OF
MINE. LOOK WHAT SHE WENT AND DONE.
UH-HUH. YOU RIGHT.
YOU RIGHT ABOUT THAT.
YOU KNOW, PEOPLE WILL LET
YOU DOWN. YES, THEY WILL.
MM-HMM. THEY...
THEY WILL LET... YOU KNOW, I NEVER
THOUGHT OF THAT. I NEVER THOUGHT OF IT!
MA! HE TRIED TO TAKE
MY LUNCH MONEY!
IF YOU TREAT ME RIGHT,
I WILL TREAT YOU RIGHT.
YEAH!
SHE IS A PHONY, HONEY,
IF SHE SAYS THAT. YEAH!
OH, WHY, SHE'S A FOOL.
YEAH. YOU KNOW, MAYBE SH... NO, NO,
NO. MAYBE SHE SUFFERS FROM DEPRESSION.
MM-HMM.
OH, GIRL, YOU SHOULDN'T
HAVE SAID THAT TO HER.
OH, NOW SHE'S
GONNA BLAME ME. OH...
WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE RIGHT.
OH! THAT JUST PROVES MY POINT!
SHOULD WE CALL
THE AMBULANCE, MA?
NOW, YOU KNOW SHE IS A PISCES. HUH! YEAH,
CHILD, YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. MM-HMM.
YEAH. YOU TELLIN'
ME. UH-HUH. YEAH.
LISTEN. LET ME
ASK YOU SOMETHIN'.
WERE YOU THERE THE DAY SHE
FLIPPED OUT IN THE GROCERY STORE?
HOO, CHILD, YOU MISSED IT! YEAH!
OH, COME ON, NOW. GET...
NO. LISTEN. GIRL, IF I SAID THAT ABOUT
YOU, WOULD I BE TALKIN' ABOUT YOU NOW?
YEAH? OH, COME ON,
NOW. YOU KNOW ME.
THAT JUST PROVES MY POINT.
MM-HMM. THAT... OH, I CAN'T
BELIEVE... SHE SAID THAT?
GIVE US ALL YOUR MONEY, LADY.
MM-MM. NO! I KNOW... LOOK...
OH, COME ON. THE WOMAN IS A
HYPOCRITE. YOUR MONEY, LADY!
OH, AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?
ALL HER CHILDREN... BE JUST LIKE HER.
UH-HUH. YEAH, WELL, THAT
ONE'S A FLOOZY RIGHT THERE.
MM-HMM.
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
UH-HUH. YEAH, GIRL. MM-HMM.
UH-HUH.
UH-HUH.
THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I MEAN TO SAY.
OH, GIRL, PLEASE. DON'T
TELL ME NOTHIN' LIKE THAT.
UH-HUH. UH-HUH.
WELL, SHE'S A LYIN' BITCH!
THAT JUST PROVES MY POINT!
THAT WAS GREAT, HONEY. JUST
GREAT. OH, I KNOW. I THINK SO TOO.
YOU WANT A CIGARETTE?
YOU KNOW I ALWAYS TRUSTED
HER MORE THAN I DID HER SISTER.
YOU DID?
THAT JUST PROVES
MY POINT! HUH? YEAH.
- - OKAY. SETTLE
DOWN. SETTLE DOWN.
SETTLE DOWN, ALL YOU
COWPOKES, 'CAUSE IT'S SHOWTIME!
NOW, NOW, NOW, I KNOW IT'S BEEN A LONG
TIME SINCE WE'VE HAD A WOMAN THIS FAR WEST.
YEAH, BUT KEEP YOUR
BUTTS IN YOUR SADDLES.
WHAT I HEAR, THIS LITTLE LADY
IS THE TALK OF THE EAST COAST.
SO HERE SHE IS, THE BELLE OF
BELLFLOWER, MISS KITTY LITTER.
TAKE IT ALL OFF! YES! YES!
♪♪
♪♪ ALL RIGHT. WHAT'S GOIN'...
WHAT'S WRONG WITH
Y'ALL? WHAT'S, "KEEP IT ON"?
WHAT'S GOIN'... HEY,
I KNOW WHAT IT IS.
Y'ALL AIN'T SEEN NOBODY THAT LOOKED
THIS GOOD IN A LONG TIME. I UNDERSTAND.
'CAUSE MISS KITTY
LITTER WILL THROW IT OFF.
OOH. MY THROAT IS
LIKE THE OPEN PLAIN.
I THINK I NEED A "BER."
OOH, HE'S SO CHEAP. ANYWAY, I BET YOU
AIN'T NEVER SEEN NOBODY THIS GOOD LOOKIN'.
HAVE YOU? ONCE,
BUT IT WAS IN A TRAP.
TRIED TO CHEW HIS OWN LEG OFF.
AH, YOU REAL FUNNY,
DAVEY POOPSTER. ANYWAY...
IS THIS SOME "CHAMPAG-NEE"? OOH.
OOH, I KNOW WHAT ALL Y'ALL WANNA DO TOO.
I KNOW ALL Y'ALL WANNA
DRINK OUTTA MY SLIPPER.
- OKAY, WHO WANTS
TO EAT THE WORM?
- NO, NO, NO.
NO, YOU DRINK IT.
OH, MY GOD! IT'S BLACK BART.
YEE-HOO! YEE-HA!
YEE-E-E-UP, YUP, YUP, YUP, YOW!
ALL RIGHT, ALL YOU COWPOKES.
NOW, I DONE MADE A
PACT WITH MY DYIN' BUDDY...
THAT I'D COME ON BACK UP IN
HERE AND TAKE CARE OF HIS GIRL.
NOW, WHERE'S THAT LITTLE FI...
FILLY THAT I'M SUPPOSED TO SADDLE?
HEY, CALL ME TRIGGER.
RIGHT, ALL YOU OTHER COWPOKES,
YOU BEST KEEP YOUR PAWS
OFF'N HER, 'CAUSE SHE'S ALL MINE.
SHE'S ALL YOURS.
CONGRATULATIONS.
GOOD LUCK. I'M STAKIN' A CLAIM
ON YOU, LI'L MISS KITTY LITTER.
YOU BETTER STOP. YOU SMELL
KINDA LIKE KITTY LITTER TOO.
THAT'S JUST... ANYWAY...
THAT'S MY PERFUME. OH, YOU
GETTIN' MY SADDLE SORE "SWOLE."
I'M 'BOUT TO RIDE
YOU TO BUFFALO.
WELL, HEY, JUMP ON THE CABOOSE,
'CAUSE THERE'S A WHOLE BUNCH OF ROOM.
YEE-HOO! I'M GONNA GRAB
ME A FISTFUL OF DOLLARS.
I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A TASTE
OF THE GOOD, THE BAD...
AND THE, UM, ER...
OH, MY GOD! OH!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
WHY YOU TRIPPIN'? I AIN'T NEVER
BEEN WITH NO COWPOKE LIKE YOU.
NO. I AIN'T NEVER BEEN
WITH NO COW CHIP.
WAIT A MINUTE. I THOUGHT YOU WAS
GONNA RIDE ME ALL THE WAY TO BUFFALO.
I SAID, "RIDE TO BUFFALO,"
NOT "RIDE A BUFFALO."
LISTEN, I GOTTA GO.
NUH-UH. I GOT YOU.
OUCH, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
UH, LOOK HERE. NO, SEE, I'M A WANTED
MAN. THERE'S A PRICE ON MY HEAD.
WELL, THERE'S A PRICE ON MY HEAD TOO. IT'S A
WEDDING RING. YOU CAN'T HAVE THIS FOR FREE.
EW. I CAN'T STOP THINKIN'
'BOUT NOTHIN' BUT THAT POSSE.
OH, SEE, ALL Y'ALL MEN'S ALWAYS THINKIN' ABOUT
THE SAME THING... TRYIN' TO GET IN MY STUFF.
YOU BETTER BACK OFF, YOU ORNERY
POLECAT! I'LL FILL YA FULL OF LEAD.
YOU CAN'T SHOOT A
BEAUTIFUL, AFRICAN, MAHOGANY,
SULTRY, SAUCY LADY LIKE THIS.
THEY SHOOT HORSES, DON'T THEY?
I'M LOOKIN' FOR A LOW-DOWN,
FOUL-SMELLIN', NO-GOOD VARMINT.
RIGHT THERE. RIGHT THERE.
HERE. HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
I AIN'T LOW DOWN. I DON'T
KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU.
YOU'RE THE ONE THAT'S LOW
DOWN. I AIN'T TALKIN' ABOUT FISH-LIPS.
I'M TALKIN' ABOUT
YOU, BLACK BART.
OOH, IT'S A POLICEMAN WITH A BADGE
AND STUFF. HEY, YOU LOOK GOOD AND STUFF.
YOU GET ME ALL WARM AND STUFF.
SHOULDN'T THIS THING BE TIED UP OUT FRONT?
OOH, SEE, YOU LIKE IT LIKE THAT. TIE ME UP AND
RIDE THE SADDLE ALL THE WAY TO SUNSET BOULEVARD.
BACK UP, BABY. I'M HALF-INDIAN.
I'M FROM THE "SLAP-A-HO" TRIBE.
NOW, BLACK BART, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST COME WITH ME REAL QUIET-LIKE,
AND AIN'T NOBODY GONNA GET HURT.
DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT IT, BABY.
I KNOW HE TRYIN' TO PUT YOU IN JAIL
AND STUFF, TRY CALLIN' SOMEBODY "HO."
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM. I KNOW
YOU GONNA BE IN JAIL FOR A LONG TIME, BUT...
AND I KNOW I MIGHT BE OLD
OR UGLY WHEN YOU GET OUT...
BABY, YOU LOOK LIKE
YOU HALFWAY THERE NOW.
OH, WELL, NOW, WAIT
UP, NOW, SONNY SPOON.
WHAT SEEM TO BE THE
PROBLEM? ARE YOU "YELLA"?
NOW, HOLD ON, BOOMERANG-HEAD,
'CAUSE AIN'T NOBODY CALL ME "YELLA."
IT'S HIGH "YELLA," IF IT'S
ALL THE SAME TO YOU.
IT'S OKAY IF YOU LIGHT
SKINNED. YOU SO EXCITIN'.
TWO MENS FIGHTIN' OVER
ME AND STUFF. WOULD YOU...
BACK OFF, PRAIRIE DOG.
YEAH. HE SO CRAZY.
HE LOOK LIKE THAT DUDE
FROM NEW JACK CITY. UH-HUH.
NOW, LOOK HERE, RED BONE.
SHERIFF, WE DONE HAD SOME UGLINESS
BETWEEN US FOR MANY, MANY YEARS,
BUT I DON'T THINK WE AIN'T
EVER HAD NOTHIN' THIS UGLY.
Y'ALL AIN'T GOT TO BE LIKE THIS. Y'ALL
CAN SHARE. TREAT ME LIKE A WISHBONE.
SPLIT ME IN HALF, AND
THEN Y'ALL BOTH'LL BE HAPPY.
SHE LOOK LIKE SHE GOTTA SNEAK UP ON A
GLASS OF WHISKEY. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?
YOU THINKIN' WHAT I'M THINKIN'? YEAH,
I GOT ONE MORE FUNNY LINE TO SAY.
AIN'T ENOUGH HOT SAUCE IN THE
WORLD MAKE HER TASTE GOOD.
OOH, THIS IS SO ROMANTIC. I'M JUST
GETTIN' ALL HOT AND PERSPIRIN' AND STUFF.
YOU KNOW, TWO MEN JUST GOIN'
AT... I THINK I MIGHT FAINT UP IN HERE.
WELL, I GUESS THAT'S WHAT THEY MEAN WHEN
THEY SAY YOU GOT THE DROP-DEAD GOOD LOOKS.
HEY, FOR REAL, THOUGH.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I WAS
GONNA ROCK THEY PONDEROSAS TOO.
GUESS I'M NEVER GONNA GET IT.
PLEASE WELCOME,
STRAIGHT FROM THE DESERT,
DEF JAM RECORDING
ARTIST ONYX DOING...
"SLAM."
♪♪
HEY, YO, WHASSUP, EVERYBODY?
HOW Y'ALL LIKE TO
GIVE A BIG... ONE, TWO.
- WHAT DO I HEAR?
- WE GONNA JUST... ♪ SLAM ♪
♪ DUH-DUH-DUH, DUH-DUH-DUH
LET THE BOYS BE BOYS ♪
♪ SLAM DUH-DUH-DUH,
DUH-DUH-DUH LET THE BOYS BE BOYS ♪
♪ WELL IT'S ANOTHER
ONE IN THE GUTTER ONE ♪
♪ GETTING RUNNING UP
TROUBLESOME EXTRA DOUBLE-DUMB ♪
♪ I COME TO FEED 'EM THE
FEED 'EM THEN SHREED 'EM ♪
♪ SO WHAT IF THAT I'M CHEATIN' EVERYBODY
WANNA SOUND GRIMY ♪ ♪ YEAH, I KNOW ♪
♪ I'M-A SHOW YOU HOW ♪ ♪
COME ON ALL AND TOGETHER NOW ♪
♪ YEAH THAT'S HOW WE
GOTTA BE ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ SO STOP TRYING TO BEAT LOUD
AS ME 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T DO THAT ♪
♪ THINK ABOUT IT, LIVE IN LIVIN'
COLOR ROCKIN' A SET, I BET ♪
♪ WE BOUGHT AGAINST THE LIGHTING
LAST BULLETS FIRST ♪ ♪ ON LINE ♪
♪ TOUGHEST STEP AND A REP
AND A RUN WRECK AND A SWINE ♪
♪ PEACE TO THE
BROTHERS ON RIKERS ISLE ♪
♪ PUMPIN' UP, A-TREMBLIN'
THEN IN LIKE A CHAMELEON ♪
♪ BUT BUY SOME
GUY OH, HI, MOM, HI ♪
♪ WHEN THEY SAY YOU'RE ON
THEY SAY I LOOK LIKE A CRIMI-LIMI ♪
♪ WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO
MAKE A KID MAKE A MILLION ♪
♪ CHILDREN, SLAM ♪
♪ SLAM DUH-DUH-DUH,
DUH-DUH-DUH LET THE BOYS BE BOYS ♪
♪ SLAM DUH-DUH-DUH, DUH-DUH-DUH
MAKE SOME NOISE, BE BOYS ♪
♪ SLAM DUH-DUH-DUH,
DUH-DUH-DUH LET THE BOYS BE BOYS ♪
♪ SLAM, DUH-DUH-DUH ♪♪
REPORTING LIVE...
FROM THE FIRST ANNUAL
HETEROSEXUAL PRIDE PARADE.
BOY, YOU CAN JUST SMELL THE HORMONES
IN THE AIR AND THE OLD SPICE AS WELL.
YES, NOT SINCE THE KENNEDY BROTHERS HAS THE
WORLD SEEN SUCH A TREMENDOUS CONCENTRATION...
OF RAMPANT HETEROSEXUALITY.
GENTLEMEN, WOULD YOU MIND
HAVING A WORD WITH FOX NEWS?
NOT AT ALL. MY SON IS STRAIGHT,
AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT.
- ALL RIGHT, SIR. HOW LONG HAVE
YOU KNOWN THIS ABOUT YOUR SON?
- OH, VERY EARLY ON.
RAY ALWAYS HAD LIKED TO LOOK AT THE GIRLS
IN THEY BIKINIS EVER SINCE I CAN REMEMBER.
MM-HMM. YEAH, I
TRIED EVERYTHING.
WE HAVE LOOKED AT
EVERY EPISODE OF COMBAT!
I DONE PLAYED EVERY JUDY
GARLAND ALBUM I OWN. NOTHIN'.
BUT, UH, LET ME TELL
YOU SOMETHIN', MISS.
AND YOU CAN TAKE THIS CHECK TO THE BANK AND
CASH IT, AND IF IT BOUNCE, DON'T CALL ME.
I DON'T CARE WHAT MY SON
IS... FAT, SKINNY, TALL, SHORT.
HE'S MY SON. HE'S STRAIGHT,
AND I'M GONNA STAND BEHIND HIM...
I MEAN, UH, BESIDE HIM...
ALL THE WAY. OF COURSE.
NOW, LOVE ME WITH ALL
YOUR STRENGTH, RAY. HOLD ME!
MY SON'S STRAIGHT,
AND I DON'T CARE!
MY SON WILL PICK...
WELL, I GUESS THAT'S WHAT THIS
PARADE IS ALL ABOUT AFTER ALL:
HETEROSEXUALS BEING
PUBLIC AND PROUD.
REPORTING TO YOU LIVE FROM THE HETEROSEXUAL
PRIDE PARADE, THIS IS LOIS CARL FOR FOX NEWS.
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP
AND SIP ON A DREAM ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE
ON A FUNKY SCENE ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD THE TRAIN
NEVER TROUBLES YOU'D BETTER SNUGGLE UP ♪
♪ COUPLE UP ON THE
DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO,
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO ♪♪
THE FOLLOWING IS A PUBLIC
SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT.
THIS IS WHAT A SUPERMODEL LOOKS LIKE
WEARING A TIGHT, FORM-FITTING STRING BIKINI.
LOOK CLOSELY.
BEAUTIFUL. NOW THIS
IS WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE.
SUPERMODEL,
YOU.
YOU ARE NOT THIN.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, STOP IT.
THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE
ANNOUNCEMENT FOR YOU OWN GOOD.
THAT'S AWESOME.
HEY, KIDS. OKAY. GATHER 'ROUND,
EVERYONE. TAKE A SEAT. ALL RIGHT.
IN HONOR OF TIMMY'S BIRTHDAY TONIGHT,
CHUCK E. CHEDDAR PIZZA-TIME FUN HOUSE...
IS READY TO PRESENT THE MOST
FAMOUS SINGIN' MOUSE WEST OF THE PECOS.
PLEASE GIVE A WARM
WELCOME AND A BIG HEL-L-LO...
TO THE GRAND MARSHAL OF THE
RODENT RODEO, CALHOUN TUBBS! COME ON!
HEY, KIDS! HEY, HOW'S
EVERYBODY DOIN'?
HEY, NOW. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIMMY.
ALL RIGHT, NOW. HOW YOU FEELIN'?
HEY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? YOU ACT LIKE
NEVER SEEN A BLACK MAN. ALL RIGHT, NOW.
LOOK HERE. WHO WANNA
HEAR A SONG? I DO! I DO!
I SAID, WHO WANNA
HEAR A SONG? I DO! I DO!
ALL RIGHT, NOW. NOW, HERE... THAT'S
GOOD. NOW, HERE'S A OLD FAVORITE OF MINE.
Y'ALL CAN SING ALONG, IF YOU
WANT. LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GO.
♪♪ ♪ OLD MacDONALD HAD A FARM ♪
EE-I, EE-I, O ♪
♪ AND ON THAT FARM HE
HAD A WIFE ♪ ♪ EE-I, EE-I, O ♪
♪ OH, THAT'S UNTIL
SHE DIVORCED HIM ♪
♪ AND TOOK HIM FOR
EVERYTHING HE HAD ♪ ♪♪
♪ NA-A-AH, HA-A-A, HA ♪♪
THANK YOU VERY MUCH! ♪♪
HEY, DOOFUS, THAT AIN'T
THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO GO.
WELL, YEAH. YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU A VERY SMART KID, AIN'T YA?
- SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT
YOU'RE NOT A FAMOUS SINGER.
- WELL, I BET I AM.
I SOLD MORE ALBUMS THAN
MICHAEL JACKSON AND THE BEATLES...
IN, UH, UPPER NEW JERSEY.
WELL, I NEVER HEARD OF YOU. WHEN I
GROW UP, I'M GONNA BE REALLY FAMOUS.
YEAH, WELL, I BET YOU WILL BE.
IN FACT, I WROTE A SONG 'BOUT IT.
LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GO.
♪ LITTLE SMART-ASS
GONNA BE FAMOUS ♪
♪ YOUR PICTURE GONNA
END UP ON A CARTON OF MILK ♪
♪♪ NA-A-AH, HA-A-A, HA ♪♪
THANK YOU VERY MUCH! ♪♪
HEY, YOU... YOU WANT A
SLICE OF PIZZA, MISTER? AH, NO.
NO, THANK YOU THERE, SON. CALHOUN DON'T TOUCH
THAT PIZZA FROM CHUCK E. CHEDDAR NO MORE.
WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT.
LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GO.
♪ CHUCK E. CHEDDAR PIZZA IS
SMOTHERED IN TASTY TOPPIN'S ♪
♪ NO EXTRA CHARGE FOR THE
FINGERNAILS ROACHES AND RAT HAIR ♪
♪♪ ♪ NA-A-AH, HA-A-A, HA
♪♪ THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
♪♪ MR. TUBBS?
YEAH. THIS IS SUICIDE MUSIC.
NO. WHAT'D YOU EXPECT, MAN? I'M A
BLUES SINGER. I'M SINGIN' 'BOUT THE BLUES.
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU ARE. I
HIRED YOU TO ENTERTAIN THESE KIDS.
ALL YOU'RE DOING IS
SCARING 'EM. WELL, IS THAT SO?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M AWFUL SORRY, MAN.
SEE, I AIN'T NEVER WROTE NO SONG UP THAT'S
SUPPOSED TO CHEER UP THE LITTLE CHILDREN.
BUT I THINK I COULD RIGHT
NOW. LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GO.
♪ AIN'T NO MONSTERS
IN THE CLOSET ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOUR DADDY'S UP IN THERE
WEARIN' YOUR MAMAS DRAWERS ♪
♪♪ NA-A-AH, HA-A-A, HA ♪♪
THANK YOU VERY MUCH! ♪♪
- HEY, MISTER,
YOU REALLY SING CRAPPY.
- YOU BITE.
- BOOGER-EATIN' MORON.
- WHY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I'M SORRY ABOUT THIS, MA'AM. WE
HIRED HIM YESTERDAY. I'D NEVER...
LISTEN, MR. CHUCK E. CHEDDAR
CHEESE. HE'S RUINING TIMMY'S BIRTHDAY.
YOU BETTER BRING
OUT THE BIRTHDAY CAKE.
RABBIT! BRING YOUR DAMN CAKE.
OOH! YOU LISTEN TO ME, CALHOUN.
YOU WILL NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN
AGAIN IF YOU DON'T ENTERTAIN THESE KIDS.
AND YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET PAID
EITHER. WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?
I THINK I CAN HANDLE THAT. ALL RIGHT,
NOW, KIDDIES. EVERYBODY LISTEN UP.
- IT'S TIME FOR A BIRTHDAY SONG.
- YOU LIKE TO HEAR IT? YEAH!
I SAY, YOU LIKE
TO HEAR IT? YEAH!
HERE IT GOES!
♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW
FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪
♪ AND IT MIGHT NOT
BE HIS BIRTHDAY ♪
♪ 'CAUSE HE'S ADOPTED AND HE DON'T EVEN
KNOW WHO HIS MAMA AND DADDY REALLY ARE ♪♪
GET AWAY FROM ME. YOU'RE NOT
MY REAL MOM! TIMMY, COME BACK!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
THANK YOU FOR THAT
STANDING OVATION. GO! OUT!
I WANT MY MONEY. YOU BETTER
GIVE ME MY MONEY. OUT! OUT!
AND STAY OUT!
COMING SOON TO A
THEATER NEAR YOU:
THELMA & LOUISE JEFFERSON.
WHA-HA! OH, LOUISE,
THIS IS GREAT.
I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD GET
AWAY. DARRYL'S GONNA BE SO UPSET.
SO IS GEORGE. BUT YOU
KNOW WHAT? FORGET HIM.
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO BREAK LOOSE
FROM HIM FOR OVER 20 YEARS...
13 OF WHICH HAVE
BEEN IN SYNDICATION.
WHY HAVE WE STOPPED AT A DRY CLEANER'S? I
THOUGHT YOU BROUGHT EVERYTHING WITH YOU.
WELL, THERE'S ONE
THING I FORGOT.
ALL RIGHT, FREEZE!
I WANT EVERYBODY EMPTY THEIR POCKETS
AND PUT ALL THE MONEY IN THIS BAG.
MOM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHO ARE YOU? I'M
YOUR SON, LIONEL.
LIONEL? WELL, WHICH LIONEL ARE YOU: THE FUNNY
ONE WHO WAS ON THE SHOW FROM THE BEGINNING...
OR THE SECOND ONE THAT
NOBODY REALLY LIKED?
WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?
JUST DON'T GO DOIN' THIS TO YOURSELF.
I SWEAR, IF YOU COME ANY CLOSER, LIONEL, YOU'LL
BE SPEAKING TO MOTHER JEFFERSON IN PERSON.
OKAY, OKAY. CALM DOWN.
WHY ARE YOU DOIN' THIS?
BECAUSE I HAVEN'T WORKED
SINCE REAGAN WAS IN OFFICE.
I FIGURE, THIS WAY AT LEAST I CAN GET
ON COPS OR AMERICA'S MOST WANTED.
OH, COME ON. YOU
KNOW YOU WANT IT.
NO, I DON'T. NOW, GET OFF
ME. NO, I DON'T THINK I WILL...
NOT TILL I SHOW YOU...
THE TOWER OF LONDON.
MR. BENTLEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
OH, HELLO, MRS. JEFFERSON.
YOU LOOK RAVISHING TODAY.
DON'T LET HIM SWEET-TALK YOU, LOUISE. HE
TRIED TO ATTACK ME. MR. BENTLEY, IS THIS TRUE?
OF COURSE NOT, MRS. J. DO I LOOK LIKE THE
SORT OF CHAP WHO COULD DO SUCH A THING?
HE'S LYIN', LOUISE.
DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.
MR. BENTLEY, DO YOU
BELIEVE IN THE ALMIGHTY?
- OF COURSE, MRS. J.
- WELL, YOU'RE ABOUT
TO MEET HIM.
OH, MY GOD, LOUISE.
WE'RE IN TROUBLE.
WELL, LET'S GET THE
HELL OUTTA HERE.
DON'T MISS THOSE
HOTHEADED OUTLAWS...
THELMA & LOUISE JEFFERSON.
THEY'RE "MOVING ON UP"
TO A THEATER NEAR YOU.
U HEARD.
THAT'S A LIE.
THAT JUST PROVES MY POINT.
I-I WANT SOME MORE EGGS, MOM.
MM-HMM. LIKE MARGE SAYS, HONEY,
THAT GIRL WOULD LIE WHEN
THE TRUTH WOULD SOUND BETTER.
YEAH, AND HER HUSBAND
AIN'T NO GOOD EITHER.
MA, JOEY IS CHOKING.
DIDN'T I SEEN HIM OUT WITH CARLA
GREEN TWO WEEKS AGO? UH-HUH.
YEAH. ACTED LIKE HE
DIDN'T EVEN SEE ME. RIGHT?
MA, CAN I GO TO THE
BASEBALL GAME AFTER SCHOOL?
NOW, WHERE'S HE GET OFF TREATIN' HER
LIKE THAT? THAT'S WHAT I WANNA KNOW.
NOT THAT SHE AIN'T NEVER STEPPED
OUT ON HIM. NOW, THAT'S FOR SURE.
MM-HMM. UH, THANKS, HONEY.
MM-HMM. BY THE WAY, THINK
WE BE MAKIN' LOVE TONIGHT?
MM-HMM.
YOU KNOW I WOULDN'T TRUST
HER AS FAR AS I COULD THROW HER?
NO, I WOULDN'T. REMEMBER
LAST YEAR'S PICNIC?
REMEMBER WHAT SHE
DID TO ME? UH-HUH.
I'LL NEVER FORGIVE HER TILL THE
DAY I DIE. AND THAT'S THE TRUTH.
THAT'S JUST PROVES MY POINT.
MAMA! MAMA! LOOK, A FIRE!
OH, HONEY, LISTEN. SHE BETRAYS THE
ONLY FRIENDS SHE EVER HAD IN THE WORLD.
IT'S THE TRUTH. SHE SAID THAT?
OH, PUH-LEASE.
WHAT ABOUT NORMA STONE?
UH-HUH. SHE'S A GOOD FRIEND OF
MINE. LOOK WHAT SHE WENT AND DONE.
UH-HUH. YOU RIGHT.
YOU RIGHT ABOUT THAT.
YOU KNOW, PEOPLE WILL LET
YOU DOWN. YES, THEY WILL.
MM-HMM. THEY...
THEY WILL LET... YOU KNOW, I NEVER
THOUGHT OF THAT. I NEVER THOUGHT OF IT!
MA! HE TRIED TO TAKE
MY LUNCH MONEY!
IF YOU TREAT ME RIGHT,
I WILL TREAT YOU RIGHT.
YEAH!
SHE IS A PHONY, HONEY,
IF SHE SAYS THAT. YEAH!
OH, WHY, SHE'S A FOOL.
YEAH. YOU KNOW, MAYBE SH... NO, NO,
NO. MAYBE SHE SUFFERS FROM DEPRESSION.
MM-HMM.
OH, GIRL, YOU SHOULDN'T
HAVE SAID THAT TO HER.
OH, NOW SHE'S
GONNA BLAME ME. OH...
WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE RIGHT.
OH! THAT JUST PROVES MY POINT!
SHOULD WE CALL
THE AMBULANCE, MA?
NOW, YOU KNOW SHE IS A PISCES. HUH! YEAH,
CHILD, YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. MM-HMM.
YEAH. YOU TELLIN'
ME. UH-HUH. YEAH.
LISTEN. LET ME
ASK YOU SOMETHIN'.
WERE YOU THERE THE DAY SHE
FLIPPED OUT IN THE GROCERY STORE?
HOO, CHILD, YOU MISSED IT! YEAH!
OH, COME ON, NOW. GET...
NO. LISTEN. GIRL, IF I SAID THAT ABOUT
YOU, WOULD I BE TALKIN' ABOUT YOU NOW?
YEAH? OH, COME ON,
NOW. YOU KNOW ME.
THAT JUST PROVES MY POINT.
MM-HMM. THAT... OH, I CAN'T
BELIEVE... SHE SAID THAT?
GIVE US ALL YOUR MONEY, LADY.
MM-MM. NO! I KNOW... LOOK...
OH, COME ON. THE WOMAN IS A
HYPOCRITE. YOUR MONEY, LADY!
OH, AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?
ALL HER CHILDREN... BE JUST LIKE HER.
UH-HUH. YEAH, WELL, THAT
ONE'S A FLOOZY RIGHT THERE.
MM-HMM.
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
UH-HUH. YEAH, GIRL. MM-HMM.
UH-HUH.
UH-HUH.
THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I MEAN TO SAY.
OH, GIRL, PLEASE. DON'T
TELL ME NOTHIN' LIKE THAT.
UH-HUH. UH-HUH.
WELL, SHE'S A LYIN' BITCH!
THAT JUST PROVES MY POINT!
THAT WAS GREAT, HONEY. JUST
GREAT. OH, I KNOW. I THINK SO TOO.
YOU WANT A CIGARETTE?
YOU KNOW I ALWAYS TRUSTED
HER MORE THAN I DID HER SISTER.
YOU DID?
THAT JUST PROVES
MY POINT! HUH? YEAH.
- - OKAY. SETTLE
DOWN. SETTLE DOWN.
SETTLE DOWN, ALL YOU
COWPOKES, 'CAUSE IT'S SHOWTIME!
NOW, NOW, NOW, I KNOW IT'S BEEN A LONG
TIME SINCE WE'VE HAD A WOMAN THIS FAR WEST.
YEAH, BUT KEEP YOUR
BUTTS IN YOUR SADDLES.
WHAT I HEAR, THIS LITTLE LADY
IS THE TALK OF THE EAST COAST.
SO HERE SHE IS, THE BELLE OF
BELLFLOWER, MISS KITTY LITTER.
TAKE IT ALL OFF! YES! YES!
♪♪
♪♪ ALL RIGHT. WHAT'S GOIN'...
WHAT'S WRONG WITH
Y'ALL? WHAT'S, "KEEP IT ON"?
WHAT'S GOIN'... HEY,
I KNOW WHAT IT IS.
Y'ALL AIN'T SEEN NOBODY THAT LOOKED
THIS GOOD IN A LONG TIME. I UNDERSTAND.
'CAUSE MISS KITTY
LITTER WILL THROW IT OFF.
OOH. MY THROAT IS
LIKE THE OPEN PLAIN.
I THINK I NEED A "BER."
OOH, HE'S SO CHEAP. ANYWAY, I BET YOU
AIN'T NEVER SEEN NOBODY THIS GOOD LOOKIN'.
HAVE YOU? ONCE,
BUT IT WAS IN A TRAP.
TRIED TO CHEW HIS OWN LEG OFF.
AH, YOU REAL FUNNY,
DAVEY POOPSTER. ANYWAY...
IS THIS SOME "CHAMPAG-NEE"? OOH.
OOH, I KNOW WHAT ALL Y'ALL WANNA DO TOO.
I KNOW ALL Y'ALL WANNA
DRINK OUTTA MY SLIPPER.
- OKAY, WHO WANTS
TO EAT THE WORM?
- NO, NO, NO.
NO, YOU DRINK IT.
OH, MY GOD! IT'S BLACK BART.
YEE-HOO! YEE-HA!
YEE-E-E-UP, YUP, YUP, YUP, YOW!
ALL RIGHT, ALL YOU COWPOKES.
NOW, I DONE MADE A
PACT WITH MY DYIN' BUDDY...
THAT I'D COME ON BACK UP IN
HERE AND TAKE CARE OF HIS GIRL.
NOW, WHERE'S THAT LITTLE FI...
FILLY THAT I'M SUPPOSED TO SADDLE?
HEY, CALL ME TRIGGER.
RIGHT, ALL YOU OTHER COWPOKES,
YOU BEST KEEP YOUR PAWS
OFF'N HER, 'CAUSE SHE'S ALL MINE.
SHE'S ALL YOURS.
CONGRATULATIONS.
GOOD LUCK. I'M STAKIN' A CLAIM
ON YOU, LI'L MISS KITTY LITTER.
YOU BETTER STOP. YOU SMELL
KINDA LIKE KITTY LITTER TOO.
THAT'S JUST... ANYWAY...
THAT'S MY PERFUME. OH, YOU
GETTIN' MY SADDLE SORE "SWOLE."
I'M 'BOUT TO RIDE
YOU TO BUFFALO.
WELL, HEY, JUMP ON THE CABOOSE,
'CAUSE THERE'S A WHOLE BUNCH OF ROOM.
YEE-HOO! I'M GONNA GRAB
ME A FISTFUL OF DOLLARS.
I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A TASTE
OF THE GOOD, THE BAD...
AND THE, UM, ER...
OH, MY GOD! OH!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
WHY YOU TRIPPIN'? I AIN'T NEVER
BEEN WITH NO COWPOKE LIKE YOU.
NO. I AIN'T NEVER BEEN
WITH NO COW CHIP.
WAIT A MINUTE. I THOUGHT YOU WAS
GONNA RIDE ME ALL THE WAY TO BUFFALO.
I SAID, "RIDE TO BUFFALO,"
NOT "RIDE A BUFFALO."
LISTEN, I GOTTA GO.
NUH-UH. I GOT YOU.
OUCH, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
UH, LOOK HERE. NO, SEE, I'M A WANTED
MAN. THERE'S A PRICE ON MY HEAD.
WELL, THERE'S A PRICE ON MY HEAD TOO. IT'S A
WEDDING RING. YOU CAN'T HAVE THIS FOR FREE.
EW. I CAN'T STOP THINKIN'
'BOUT NOTHIN' BUT THAT POSSE.
OH, SEE, ALL Y'ALL MEN'S ALWAYS THINKIN' ABOUT
THE SAME THING... TRYIN' TO GET IN MY STUFF.
YOU BETTER BACK OFF, YOU ORNERY
POLECAT! I'LL FILL YA FULL OF LEAD.
YOU CAN'T SHOOT A
BEAUTIFUL, AFRICAN, MAHOGANY,
SULTRY, SAUCY LADY LIKE THIS.
THEY SHOOT HORSES, DON'T THEY?
I'M LOOKIN' FOR A LOW-DOWN,
FOUL-SMELLIN', NO-GOOD VARMINT.
RIGHT THERE. RIGHT THERE.
HERE. HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
I AIN'T LOW DOWN. I DON'T
KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU.
YOU'RE THE ONE THAT'S LOW
DOWN. I AIN'T TALKIN' ABOUT FISH-LIPS.
I'M TALKIN' ABOUT
YOU, BLACK BART.
OOH, IT'S A POLICEMAN WITH A BADGE
AND STUFF. HEY, YOU LOOK GOOD AND STUFF.
YOU GET ME ALL WARM AND STUFF.
SHOULDN'T THIS THING BE TIED UP OUT FRONT?
OOH, SEE, YOU LIKE IT LIKE THAT. TIE ME UP AND
RIDE THE SADDLE ALL THE WAY TO SUNSET BOULEVARD.
BACK UP, BABY. I'M HALF-INDIAN.
I'M FROM THE "SLAP-A-HO" TRIBE.
NOW, BLACK BART, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST COME WITH ME REAL QUIET-LIKE,
AND AIN'T NOBODY GONNA GET HURT.
DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT IT, BABY.
I KNOW HE TRYIN' TO PUT YOU IN JAIL
AND STUFF, TRY CALLIN' SOMEBODY "HO."
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM. I KNOW
YOU GONNA BE IN JAIL FOR A LONG TIME, BUT...
AND I KNOW I MIGHT BE OLD
OR UGLY WHEN YOU GET OUT...
BABY, YOU LOOK LIKE
YOU HALFWAY THERE NOW.
OH, WELL, NOW, WAIT
UP, NOW, SONNY SPOON.
WHAT SEEM TO BE THE
PROBLEM? ARE YOU "YELLA"?
NOW, HOLD ON, BOOMERANG-HEAD,
'CAUSE AIN'T NOBODY CALL ME "YELLA."
IT'S HIGH "YELLA," IF IT'S
ALL THE SAME TO YOU.
IT'S OKAY IF YOU LIGHT
SKINNED. YOU SO EXCITIN'.
TWO MENS FIGHTIN' OVER
ME AND STUFF. WOULD YOU...
BACK OFF, PRAIRIE DOG.
YEAH. HE SO CRAZY.
HE LOOK LIKE THAT DUDE
FROM NEW JACK CITY. UH-HUH.
NOW, LOOK HERE, RED BONE.
SHERIFF, WE DONE HAD SOME UGLINESS
BETWEEN US FOR MANY, MANY YEARS,
BUT I DON'T THINK WE AIN'T
EVER HAD NOTHIN' THIS UGLY.
Y'ALL AIN'T GOT TO BE LIKE THIS. Y'ALL
CAN SHARE. TREAT ME LIKE A WISHBONE.
SPLIT ME IN HALF, AND
THEN Y'ALL BOTH'LL BE HAPPY.
SHE LOOK LIKE SHE GOTTA SNEAK UP ON A
GLASS OF WHISKEY. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?
YOU THINKIN' WHAT I'M THINKIN'? YEAH,
I GOT ONE MORE FUNNY LINE TO SAY.
AIN'T ENOUGH HOT SAUCE IN THE
WORLD MAKE HER TASTE GOOD.
OOH, THIS IS SO ROMANTIC. I'M JUST
GETTIN' ALL HOT AND PERSPIRIN' AND STUFF.
YOU KNOW, TWO MEN JUST GOIN'
AT... I THINK I MIGHT FAINT UP IN HERE.
WELL, I GUESS THAT'S WHAT THEY MEAN WHEN
THEY SAY YOU GOT THE DROP-DEAD GOOD LOOKS.
HEY, FOR REAL, THOUGH.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I WAS
GONNA ROCK THEY PONDEROSAS TOO.
GUESS I'M NEVER GONNA GET IT.
PLEASE WELCOME,
STRAIGHT FROM THE DESERT,
DEF JAM RECORDING
ARTIST ONYX DOING...
"SLAM."
♪♪
HEY, YO, WHASSUP, EVERYBODY?
HOW Y'ALL LIKE TO
GIVE A BIG... ONE, TWO.
- WHAT DO I HEAR?
- WE GONNA JUST... ♪ SLAM ♪
♪ DUH-DUH-DUH, DUH-DUH-DUH
LET THE BOYS BE BOYS ♪
♪ SLAM DUH-DUH-DUH,
DUH-DUH-DUH LET THE BOYS BE BOYS ♪
♪ WELL IT'S ANOTHER
ONE IN THE GUTTER ONE ♪
♪ GETTING RUNNING UP
TROUBLESOME EXTRA DOUBLE-DUMB ♪
♪ I COME TO FEED 'EM THE
FEED 'EM THEN SHREED 'EM ♪
♪ SO WHAT IF THAT I'M CHEATIN' EVERYBODY
WANNA SOUND GRIMY ♪ ♪ YEAH, I KNOW ♪
♪ I'M-A SHOW YOU HOW ♪ ♪
COME ON ALL AND TOGETHER NOW ♪
♪ YEAH THAT'S HOW WE
GOTTA BE ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ SO STOP TRYING TO BEAT LOUD
AS ME 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T DO THAT ♪
♪ THINK ABOUT IT, LIVE IN LIVIN'
COLOR ROCKIN' A SET, I BET ♪
♪ WE BOUGHT AGAINST THE LIGHTING
LAST BULLETS FIRST ♪ ♪ ON LINE ♪
♪ TOUGHEST STEP AND A REP
AND A RUN WRECK AND A SWINE ♪
♪ PEACE TO THE
BROTHERS ON RIKERS ISLE ♪
♪ PUMPIN' UP, A-TREMBLIN'
THEN IN LIKE A CHAMELEON ♪
♪ BUT BUY SOME
GUY OH, HI, MOM, HI ♪
♪ WHEN THEY SAY YOU'RE ON
THEY SAY I LOOK LIKE A CRIMI-LIMI ♪
♪ WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO
MAKE A KID MAKE A MILLION ♪
♪ CHILDREN, SLAM ♪
♪ SLAM DUH-DUH-DUH,
DUH-DUH-DUH LET THE BOYS BE BOYS ♪
♪ SLAM DUH-DUH-DUH, DUH-DUH-DUH
MAKE SOME NOISE, BE BOYS ♪
♪ SLAM DUH-DUH-DUH,
DUH-DUH-DUH LET THE BOYS BE BOYS ♪
♪ SLAM, DUH-DUH-DUH ♪♪