In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 4, Episode 25 - Bunny Clive - full transcript
The Wayans siblings present an African-American focused sketch comedy show.
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP AND
SIP ON A DREAM ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE ON A
FUNKY SCENE ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO ♪♪
SARAH, YOU CAN SEND
IN THE NEXT PATIENT NOW.
COME ON IN. I'M A
LITTLE NERVOUS.
OH, THAT'S PERFECTLY
NATURAL, BUT TRUST ME,
THERE'S NOTHING TO BE
WORRIED ABOUT, MR. ANDERSON.
UH, YEAH, MY
NAME'S LONNIE. OKAY.
YEAH. ALL RIGHT, LONNIE.
WELL, JUST HAVE A SEAT,
AND UNBUTTON YOUR
SHIRT FOR ME. ALL RIGHT.
TELL ME, LONNIE, WHAT
DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?
WELL, UH, I'M A FIREMAN. REALLY?
YEAH, AND I'M A COWBOY
AND AN ARMY MAN.
I WAS GONNA BE AN
ASTRONAUT, BUT NO.
I SEE. WELL THEN, UH,
LET'S JUST CHECK OUT YOUR HEART.
MISSION CONTROL, THIS IS THE SIX MILLION
DOLLAR MAN, COMING IN FOR A CRASH LANDING.
MR. ANDERSON, PLEASE.
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
I'M THIS MANY.
- THIRTY-SIX?
- AND A HALF.
I'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD ACT LIKE
IT. NOW LET ME GET YOUR TEMPERATURE.
OKAY, I'M READY.
MR. ANDERSON!
OH, I'M SORRY.
OKAY, I'M READY NOW.
UH, HOW ABOUT IF WE TAKE YOUR
TEMPERATURE IN YOUR MOUTH?
OKAY.
YOU JUST KEEP THAT IN THERE, AND
I'M GONNA CHECK YOUR REFLEXES.
ALL RIGHT.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- YOU HIT ME FIRST.
I HAVE HAD JUST ABOUT... JUST
GIVE ME. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
MY WINKIE HURTS WHEN I WEE-WEE.
I SEE.
PLEASE, DOCTOR, COULD YOU
MAKE MY BOO-BOO FEEL BETTER?
IF YOU DON'T BEHAVE YOURSELF, I'M
GONNA RECOMMEND AN AMPUTATION.
NOW WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO
AND GIVE ME A URINE SAMPLE.
OKAY.
IT HURTS!
IS THAT LONNIE? WHAT'S
WRONG WITH MY BABY?
WHO ARE YOU? I'M
LONNIE'S GRANDMOTHER.
THAT FIGURES.
OOH, PEE-PEE. OOH.
HIS WINKIE HURTS
WHEN HE GOES WEE-WEE.
NOW, LONNIE, WHAT
DID I TELL YOU?
WHAT IS GRANDMA'S
NUMBER ONE RULE?
UH, NEVER TOUCH A GIRL, NOT
EVEN AFTER GRANDMA'S DEAD.
THAT'S RIGHT. 'CAUSE NONE OF THEM'S
GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY LITTLE DARLING BABY.
THAT'S RIGHT, GRANDMA.
HOW TOUCHING.
NOW I'M GONNA HAVE TO
GIVE YOU A SHOT. NO SHOTS!
GRANDMA, DON'T LET HER SHOOT ME!
GRANDMA, PLEASE.
ALL RIGHT, FINE. YOU
CAN TAKE THIS ORALLY.
HERE. YES. MM-MM.
COME ON.
ALL RIGHT, YOU DEAL WITH
HIM. HERE IS HIS PRESCRIPTION.
ALL RIGHT. DON'T YOU WORRY, DOCTOR.
COME ON, LONNIE, LET'S GO HOME.
I DON'T WANNA GO. COME ON.
GRANDMA... GRANDMA,
I DON'T WANNA GO.
GRANDMA! STOP IT!
NOW LOOK. I'LL LET YOU DRIVE.
OKAY.
HEY, MAN, I'M REALLY
HAPPY FOR YOU.
LOOK. I KNOW YOU'RE
FEELING PRETTY GOOD.
I'M GLAD YOU TURNED THIS CORNER IN
YOUR LIFE, BUT JUST DO ME A FAVOR...
AND TAKE IT EASY AND
DON'T OVERDO IT TONIGHT.
GOTCHA.
HI.
HI.
I'M GAY.
OKAY.
YEP, I'M GAY, AND
I'M PROUD OF IT.
I HAVE NOTHING TO BE
ASHAMED OF. UH, THAT'S GREAT.
ARE YOU GAY?
NO, UH-UH.
REALLY? YEAH, REALLY, I'M NOT.
IF YOU WERE, I'D KISS
YOU. HEY, WELL, I'M NOT.
YEP, SLOW, DEEP AND
PASSIONATE. I'M COMPLETELY GAY.
WOULD YOU LIKE AN
HORS D'OEUVRE, SIR?
WHY NOT? GAY PEOPLE
HAVE TO EAT TOO.
I'M GAY, AND SO I EAT. OKAY.
MMM, THAT REALLY PLEASES
MY HOMOSEXUAL PALATE.
UM, WELL, IF YOU'D LIKE A
DRINK, THEY'RE AT THE BAR. OKAY?
ALL RIGHTY THEN.
DIET SODA, PLEASE.
A LITTLE DIET SODA FOR
THE MAN WHO LIKES MEN.
HERE YOU GO.
DON'T YOU MEAN, "HERE
YOU GO, SISSY BOY"?
NO.
ALL RIGHT THEN.
EXCUSE ME, LADIES.
I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT
I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU PHYSICALLY,
SO PLEASE DON'T TRY
TO PICK ME UP TONIGHT.
WELL, WE WEREN'T PLANNING ON IT.
OH, GREAT. BECAUSE AS
FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,
THOSE THINGS ON YOUR
CHEST MIGHT AS WELL BE EARS.
HELLO!
YOU KNOW, EVERYONE
SHOULD KNOW ABOUT THIS.
EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME!
GATHER ROUND, EVERYONE.
IN CASE SOME OF
YOU HAVEN'T HEARD,
I'M GAY. OH, GOD, MAN.
AND IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS
OR WOULD LIKE TO DISCUSS FASHION,
MOVIE REVIEWS OR
JUST GET A DARN PERM,
FEEL FREE TO JUST COME BY.
HI.
HOW ARE YOU?
I'M GAY, YOU KNOW.
REALLY? I'M GAY TOO.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
WHOA, JESUS! MAN!
THAT IS WHERE I DRAW
THE LINE, YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, WHAT AM I, A PIECE OF MEAT?
MAN, SOME PEOPLE ARE SO BRAZEN.
I MEAN, I'VE HEARD OF SHAMELESS QUEENS
BEFORE, BUT YOU TAKE THE CAKE, LADY.
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, I
DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING BY IT.
I WAS JUST TRYING
TO BE FRIENDLY.
FRIENDLY IS ONE THING. PLOTTING
A HOSTILE TAKEOVER IS ANOTHER.
DID YOU SEE WHAT HE DID TO ME?
HUH? DID YOU SEE HIM ATTACK ME?
YEAH, I MEAN, WHAT AM I
PUTTING OUT, SOME KIND OF VIBE...
THAT SAYS, "USE ME, DEFILE ME."
I THINK I'D BETTER GO
HOME. LET ME CALL A TAXI.
HELLO, PINK WHEELS.
I'D LIKE A CAR, PLEASE.
ARE YOU GAY? I CERTAINLY AM.
BUT NOT TO AN INSANE DEGREE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT OVER. FINE.
I'LL BE WAITING OUTSIDE.
I HAVE TO LEAVE NOW.
EXCUSE ME. FREAK!
♪ YEAH, IT'S JUST LIKE THAT ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH, IT'S
JUST LIKE THAT ♪
♪ EVERYBODY IN THE PLACE TO BE PUT
YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR WITH ME, COME ON ♪
♪ DO IT, DO IT, Y'ALL YEAH, COME
ON, DO IT, DO IT Y'ALL, YEAH, COME ON ♪
♪ NOW EVERYBODY IN THE PLACE TO
BE, PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR WITH ME ♪
♪ COME ON, DO IT, DO IT, Y'ALL
COME ON, DO IT, DO IT, Y'ALL ♪
♪ HUH, JUST LIKE THAT
DO IT, YEAH, DO IT ♪
♪ DO IT, 'CAUSE WE GONNA
DO IT JUST LIKE THAT ♪
♪ HUH, HUH, JUST LIKE THAT ♪
♪ JUST DO IT, JUST DO IT
JUST DO IT, WE GONNA DO IT ♪
♪ HUH, JUST LIKE THAT
COME ON, JUST LIKE THAT ♪
♪ JUMP, JUMP, GO, GO DO IT ♪♪
HONEY, THIS IS SO WONDERFUL.
I HAVE NEVER KNOWN
ANYONE LIKE YOU.
OH, BERT, DON'T BE SILLY.
NO, I MEAN IT. HONEY, UH, THERE'S
SOMETHING I WANNA ASK YOU.
YES? WELL, UH, WOULD YOU...
OH, MY GOD, IT'S
SNOOKIE. LET'S LEAVE.
HEY, WHO THERE SAID SNOOK?
SOMEBODY CALL MY NAME?
WHO DAT?
MM-MM-MM. LYDIA, LYDIA, LYDIA.
NOW LISTEN HERE, GIRL. I KNOW IT'S BEEN
A LONG TIME, BUT IT AIN'T BEEN THAT LONG.
DON'T BE ACTING LIKE
YOU DON'T SEE ME.
OH, SNOOKIE. WHAT A
PLEASANT SURPRISE.
MM-HMM. MM-HMM. WHO'S THIS
YOU GOT HERE WITH YOU THIS WEEK?
WHO IS THIS, MARK,
STEVE, RONNY? MM-HMM.
BOBBY OR RICKY MARK? MM-HMM.
I KNOW YOU AIN'T LARRY.
HE'S IN JAIL. MM-HMM.
FOR TRYING TO KILL YOU,
IF I REMEMBER CORRECT.
LISTEN HERE, GIRL. LISTEN HERE.
YOU GO SLEEPING WITH A MAN'S
BEST FRIEND IN HIS OWN BED,
HE'S BOUND TO GO
OFF LIKE THAT. SNOOKIE!
UH, I'M BERT. MM-HMM. HOW'D
YOU DO? HOW'D YOU DO?
WELL, IT WAS NICE SEEING YOU,
SNOOKIE. I'M SORRY YOU CAN'T JOIN US.
THE HELL I CAN'T.
LOOK HERE. COME ON, COME
ON, SLIDE OVER, SLIDE OVER.
IF I'M GONNA FIT UP
IN HERE, SLIDE OVER.
WAIT, WAIT, THIS IS
A TABLE FOR TWO.
OOH, NOW LOOK IT HERE. MM-MM-MM.
YOU'RE KINDA CUTE.
NOW LISTEN. ME MYSELF,
I'M WITH A WHITE MAN.
MM-HMM. YEAH, I FIGURE
SOMEBODY'S GOTTA DO HIM,
MIGHT AS WELL BE SNOOKIE.
OOH, THAT'S A CUTE WATCH YOU
GOT ON. HOW MUCH MONEY YOU GOT?
- SNOOKIE, PLEASE.
- THAT IS PRIVATE.
AND WE'RE HAVING A PRIVATE
DINNER HERE, SO PLEASE.
THAT MEANS YOU GOT... YOU
JUST BROKE. AIN'T GOT NO MONEY.
THAT'S WHAT THAT MEANS. EXCUSE
ME. ARE YOU READY TO ORDER?
YES, I AM. UH, YOU. I AM READY.
WELL, I AIN'T. WHERE THE HELL'S
THE MENU? LET ME SEE WHAT YOU GOT.
I JUST WANT ME SOMETHING
GOOD UP IN HERE.
HMM. NO, Y'ALL, COME HERE.
Y'ALL GOT ANY
CHITLINS? NO, MA'AM.
MM-HMM. WELL, IT DON'T MATTER.
'CAUSE SNOOKIE DON'T EAT
JUST ANYBODY'S CHITLINS.
YOU KNOW, YOU GOTTA
KNOW HOW TO CLEAN 'EM.
YEAH. HERE. LISTEN HERE.
WHAT'S THIS YOU EATING BACK HERE,
BABY? WHAT'S THAT? IS THAT CHICKEN?
IT'S PEKING DUCK WITH
A LIGHT LEMON SAUCE.
WELL, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.
DOES IT COME WITH
THESE FRIES? MM-HMM.
OR DO I HAVE TO ORDER THEM
SEPARATELY? ARE THEY CRISPY OR SOGGY?
MM-HMM. THAT'S ALL RIGHT, BABY,
'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE MINE EITHER WAY.
I LIKE MINE BURNT. YOU
UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?
YOU GOT ANY KET...
Y'ALL AIN'T GOT NO KET...
HEY, LISTEN HERE. LET ME BORROW
SOME OF Y'ALL KETCHUP OVER HERE.
MM-HMM.
MM-MM, I DON'T LIKE THAT.
THAT'S NOT GOOD. I WANT ME
SOMETHING THAT TASTES GOOD, Y'ALL.
WAITER!
SNOOKIE, WE'RE TRYING TO
HAVE A QUIET DINNER ALONE.
ALONE? WELL, NOW I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU KNEW WHAT THAT WORD MEANT.
WAIT, WAIT. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT? PAY NO ATTENTION TO HER.
I'M TALKING ABOUT ALL THE MEN.
MM-HMM. LISTEN HERE, BOY. COME HERE.
COME HERE.
GET ME SOME REAL FOOD OUT HERE,
BOY, BEFORE I HAVE TO GET IGNORANT.
WAIT A SECOND. WAIT A
SECOND HERE. MEN? WHAT MEN?
WAIT A MINUTE. YOU MEAN TO
TELL ME YOU DIDN'T TELL HIM?
TELL ME WHAT? WELL, SHE'S A HO.
SNOOKIE, SHUT UP!
MM-HMM. NOW LISTEN.
NOW YOU KNOW...
YOU KNOW THAT AIN'T NO WAY
FOR NO MOTHER TO BE TALKING.
MOTHER? LYDIA, YOU GOT A KID?
A KID?
CHILD, SHE GOT A LITTER.
LISTEN HERE. BUT YOU AIN'T
GOT NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT,
'CAUSE SHE'S STERILE NOW.
MM-HMM. HAPPENS WHEN YOU
DON'T TREAT THEM SOCIAL DISEASES.
MM-HMM. AND LORD
KNOWS SHE'S BEEN SOCIAL.
UH, YEAH, LOOK HERE. I'M
OUTTA HERE. BERT, WAIT FOR ME.
OH, SNOOKIE! NOW.
WHO'S A WOMAN GOTTA SLEEP WITH
TO GET SOME SERVICE AROUND HERE?
♪♪
♪ UH ♪
♪ UH ♪
♪♪
HELLO, NEW RECRUITS.
YOU MIGHT REMEMBER ME FROM
THE RODNEY KING PROCEEDINGS.
AS A POLICE OFFICER, MY OATH IS
TO PROVIDE SERVICE AND SAFETY...
TO THE SOLID
CITIZENS OF THE CITY.
WELL, MINE IS, "SAY
IT, DON'T SPRAY IT."
OH, A SMART-ASS.
WELL, IF I HAD NINE OF L.A.'S
FINEST HOLDING TASER GUNS...
AND WIELDING BILLY CLUBS
BEHIND ME, I'D FIGHT YOU RIGHT NOW.
BUT I'M KINDA BUSY.
SO, WHO'S HERE TODAY?
YOU MUST BE STEVEN SIMMONS.
AND YOU, YOU'D BE STAN SMITH.
AND I TAKE IT YOU'RE SISSY
SPACEK FROM SARASOTA SPRINGS.
HEY, WHO'S BEEN
MESSING WITH MY LIST?
WAS IT YOU,
MR. PRANKSTER? NO, SIR!
WHAT'S THE MATTER, SASSAFRAS?
ARE YOU SCARED? ARE YOU
FRIGHTENED? ARE YOU NERVOUS?
YOU'RE SWEATING LIKE A
SUCKLING SOW ON A SIZZLING SPIT!
AND WHAT ARE YOU SMIRKING
AT, SMARTY-PANTS? HMM?
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU HAVE TO
BE VERY TOUGH TO BE A POLICE OFFICER.
OKAY, PANTYWAIST,
TAKE A SHOT AT YOUR OLD SARGE.
THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
NOW LET ME TRY.
THIS BRINGS US TO LESSON NUMBER
ONE... GET TO KNOW YOUR WEAPON.
BUT DON'T EVER
USE IT RECKLESSLY.
- CAN YOU SAY "RECKLESSLY"?
- RECKLESSLY.
EXCELLENT.
POLICE OFFICERS
HAVE TO REMEMBER...
EVENTS EXACTLY AS THEY HAPPEN.
THIS IS A SUSPECT.
AND THIS IS A CAN OF MACE.
NOW, WHAT DID YOU SEE?
YOU USED EXCESSIVE FORCE.
NO, THIS IS EXCESSIVE FORCE.
NOW, WHAT DID YOU
SEE? POLICE BRUTALITY.
I THINK SOMEBODY NEEDS
TO GET THEIR EYES CHECKED.
VISION'S GETTING A
LITTLE BLURRY, ISN'T IT?
READ THE BOTTOM LINE!
AND WHAT DID YOU SEE, SON?
UH, YEAH, IT LOOKED LIKE HE WAS ON
P.C.P., THEN HE ATTACKED YOU, RIGHT?
AND YOU WERE JUST ACTING
LIKE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO.
HEY, KID, ARE YOU
REGISTERED FOR JURY DUTY?
INCIDENTALLY,
REMEMBER THAT WORD...
P.C.P.
IT STANDS FOR "POUNDS
CROOK PERSISTENTLY."
CAN YOU SAY "PERSISTENTLY"?
PERSISTENTLY.
SOUNDS LIKE WE'RE IN SYNC.
NOW FOR LESSON NUMBER THREE.
YOU MUST IDENTIFY
THE ENEMY INSTANTLY.
THAT'S WHY WE SET UP
THIS SIMULATION. CURTAIN!
SAY YOU'RE IN A SEEDY
PART OF THE CITY,
WHEN YOU STUMBLE UPON
SEVERAL SILLY SUSPECTS...
SECRETLY SLIPPING
ACROSS THE STREET.
AS A POLICE OFFICER, YOU MUST
MAKE SPLIT-SECOND DECISIONS,
SEPARATING THE INNOCENT
FROM THE DESPICABLE.
READY ON THE RIGHT. READY ON
THE LEFT. READY ON THE FIRING LINE.
ALL RIGHT, STUDENTS, SELECT
THE MOST DANGEROUS SUSPECT.
NO, NO, NO, HE'S NO
THREAT. HOLD YOUR FIRE.
- WHAT ABOUT HIM?
- NOT THIS TIME.
BELIEVE ME, THERE'S A MUCH
BIGGER THREAT TO THE MEN IN BLUE.
THAT'S HIM. KILL THE BASTARD
WITH THE VIDEO CAMERA.
GET HIM!
SHOOTING LIKE THIS,
YOU'RE NOT GONNA SURVIVE.
HOLD YOUR FIRE.
TAKE HIM OUT AND YOU CAN WASTE
EVERYBODY ELSE AT YOUR OWN LEISURE.
CONGRATULATIONS, STUDENTS,
YOU'VE PASSED THE COURSE.
BUT NOW IT'S TIME TO
RECITE THE POLICEMAN'S OATH.
NOW RAISE YOUR RIGHT HAND...
AND REPEAT AFTER ME.
- I...
- I...
- STATE YOUR NAME.
- STATE YOUR NAME.
PROMISE TO SUPPORT THE SYSTEM...
AND SUCCESSFULLY STRIP SUSPICIOUS
SUSPECTS WITH EXCESSIVE FORCE.
PROMISE TO SUPPORT THE SYSTEM AND
SUCCESSFULLY STRIP SUSPICIOUS SUSPECTS...
SUFFERING SUCCOTASH.
SUFFERING SUCCOTASH.
HEY, WHAT'S THIS?
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
YOU THINK YOU CAN
JUST COME IN HERE...
AND FILM POLICE
OFFICERS TRAINING?
IS THAT IT? THIS IS
TOP SECRET, MISTER.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO GIVE
YOU A LITTLE WARNING. YEAH.
PLEASE WELCOME EAST WEST
RECORDING ARTISTS DA YOUNGSTERS.
OW.
THEY'RE DOING THEIR NEW SINGLE PRODUCED
BY NAUGHTY BY NATURE, "CREWZ POP."
♪ YEAH, YEAH YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP AND
SIP ON A DREAM ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE ON A
FUNKY SCENE ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO ♪♪
SARAH, YOU CAN SEND
IN THE NEXT PATIENT NOW.
COME ON IN. I'M A
LITTLE NERVOUS.
OH, THAT'S PERFECTLY
NATURAL, BUT TRUST ME,
THERE'S NOTHING TO BE
WORRIED ABOUT, MR. ANDERSON.
UH, YEAH, MY
NAME'S LONNIE. OKAY.
YEAH. ALL RIGHT, LONNIE.
WELL, JUST HAVE A SEAT,
AND UNBUTTON YOUR
SHIRT FOR ME. ALL RIGHT.
TELL ME, LONNIE, WHAT
DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?
WELL, UH, I'M A FIREMAN. REALLY?
YEAH, AND I'M A COWBOY
AND AN ARMY MAN.
I WAS GONNA BE AN
ASTRONAUT, BUT NO.
I SEE. WELL THEN, UH,
LET'S JUST CHECK OUT YOUR HEART.
MISSION CONTROL, THIS IS THE SIX MILLION
DOLLAR MAN, COMING IN FOR A CRASH LANDING.
MR. ANDERSON, PLEASE.
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
I'M THIS MANY.
- THIRTY-SIX?
- AND A HALF.
I'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD ACT LIKE
IT. NOW LET ME GET YOUR TEMPERATURE.
OKAY, I'M READY.
MR. ANDERSON!
OH, I'M SORRY.
OKAY, I'M READY NOW.
UH, HOW ABOUT IF WE TAKE YOUR
TEMPERATURE IN YOUR MOUTH?
OKAY.
YOU JUST KEEP THAT IN THERE, AND
I'M GONNA CHECK YOUR REFLEXES.
ALL RIGHT.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- YOU HIT ME FIRST.
I HAVE HAD JUST ABOUT... JUST
GIVE ME. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
MY WINKIE HURTS WHEN I WEE-WEE.
I SEE.
PLEASE, DOCTOR, COULD YOU
MAKE MY BOO-BOO FEEL BETTER?
IF YOU DON'T BEHAVE YOURSELF, I'M
GONNA RECOMMEND AN AMPUTATION.
NOW WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO
AND GIVE ME A URINE SAMPLE.
OKAY.
IT HURTS!
IS THAT LONNIE? WHAT'S
WRONG WITH MY BABY?
WHO ARE YOU? I'M
LONNIE'S GRANDMOTHER.
THAT FIGURES.
OOH, PEE-PEE. OOH.
HIS WINKIE HURTS
WHEN HE GOES WEE-WEE.
NOW, LONNIE, WHAT
DID I TELL YOU?
WHAT IS GRANDMA'S
NUMBER ONE RULE?
UH, NEVER TOUCH A GIRL, NOT
EVEN AFTER GRANDMA'S DEAD.
THAT'S RIGHT. 'CAUSE NONE OF THEM'S
GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY LITTLE DARLING BABY.
THAT'S RIGHT, GRANDMA.
HOW TOUCHING.
NOW I'M GONNA HAVE TO
GIVE YOU A SHOT. NO SHOTS!
GRANDMA, DON'T LET HER SHOOT ME!
GRANDMA, PLEASE.
ALL RIGHT, FINE. YOU
CAN TAKE THIS ORALLY.
HERE. YES. MM-MM.
COME ON.
ALL RIGHT, YOU DEAL WITH
HIM. HERE IS HIS PRESCRIPTION.
ALL RIGHT. DON'T YOU WORRY, DOCTOR.
COME ON, LONNIE, LET'S GO HOME.
I DON'T WANNA GO. COME ON.
GRANDMA... GRANDMA,
I DON'T WANNA GO.
GRANDMA! STOP IT!
NOW LOOK. I'LL LET YOU DRIVE.
OKAY.
HEY, MAN, I'M REALLY
HAPPY FOR YOU.
LOOK. I KNOW YOU'RE
FEELING PRETTY GOOD.
I'M GLAD YOU TURNED THIS CORNER IN
YOUR LIFE, BUT JUST DO ME A FAVOR...
AND TAKE IT EASY AND
DON'T OVERDO IT TONIGHT.
GOTCHA.
HI.
HI.
I'M GAY.
OKAY.
YEP, I'M GAY, AND
I'M PROUD OF IT.
I HAVE NOTHING TO BE
ASHAMED OF. UH, THAT'S GREAT.
ARE YOU GAY?
NO, UH-UH.
REALLY? YEAH, REALLY, I'M NOT.
IF YOU WERE, I'D KISS
YOU. HEY, WELL, I'M NOT.
YEP, SLOW, DEEP AND
PASSIONATE. I'M COMPLETELY GAY.
WOULD YOU LIKE AN
HORS D'OEUVRE, SIR?
WHY NOT? GAY PEOPLE
HAVE TO EAT TOO.
I'M GAY, AND SO I EAT. OKAY.
MMM, THAT REALLY PLEASES
MY HOMOSEXUAL PALATE.
UM, WELL, IF YOU'D LIKE A
DRINK, THEY'RE AT THE BAR. OKAY?
ALL RIGHTY THEN.
DIET SODA, PLEASE.
A LITTLE DIET SODA FOR
THE MAN WHO LIKES MEN.
HERE YOU GO.
DON'T YOU MEAN, "HERE
YOU GO, SISSY BOY"?
NO.
ALL RIGHT THEN.
EXCUSE ME, LADIES.
I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT
I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU PHYSICALLY,
SO PLEASE DON'T TRY
TO PICK ME UP TONIGHT.
WELL, WE WEREN'T PLANNING ON IT.
OH, GREAT. BECAUSE AS
FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,
THOSE THINGS ON YOUR
CHEST MIGHT AS WELL BE EARS.
HELLO!
YOU KNOW, EVERYONE
SHOULD KNOW ABOUT THIS.
EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME!
GATHER ROUND, EVERYONE.
IN CASE SOME OF
YOU HAVEN'T HEARD,
I'M GAY. OH, GOD, MAN.
AND IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS
OR WOULD LIKE TO DISCUSS FASHION,
MOVIE REVIEWS OR
JUST GET A DARN PERM,
FEEL FREE TO JUST COME BY.
HI.
HOW ARE YOU?
I'M GAY, YOU KNOW.
REALLY? I'M GAY TOO.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
WHOA, JESUS! MAN!
THAT IS WHERE I DRAW
THE LINE, YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, WHAT AM I, A PIECE OF MEAT?
MAN, SOME PEOPLE ARE SO BRAZEN.
I MEAN, I'VE HEARD OF SHAMELESS QUEENS
BEFORE, BUT YOU TAKE THE CAKE, LADY.
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, I
DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING BY IT.
I WAS JUST TRYING
TO BE FRIENDLY.
FRIENDLY IS ONE THING. PLOTTING
A HOSTILE TAKEOVER IS ANOTHER.
DID YOU SEE WHAT HE DID TO ME?
HUH? DID YOU SEE HIM ATTACK ME?
YEAH, I MEAN, WHAT AM I
PUTTING OUT, SOME KIND OF VIBE...
THAT SAYS, "USE ME, DEFILE ME."
I THINK I'D BETTER GO
HOME. LET ME CALL A TAXI.
HELLO, PINK WHEELS.
I'D LIKE A CAR, PLEASE.
ARE YOU GAY? I CERTAINLY AM.
BUT NOT TO AN INSANE DEGREE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT OVER. FINE.
I'LL BE WAITING OUTSIDE.
I HAVE TO LEAVE NOW.
EXCUSE ME. FREAK!
♪ YEAH, IT'S JUST LIKE THAT ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH, IT'S
JUST LIKE THAT ♪
♪ EVERYBODY IN THE PLACE TO BE PUT
YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR WITH ME, COME ON ♪
♪ DO IT, DO IT, Y'ALL YEAH, COME
ON, DO IT, DO IT Y'ALL, YEAH, COME ON ♪
♪ NOW EVERYBODY IN THE PLACE TO
BE, PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR WITH ME ♪
♪ COME ON, DO IT, DO IT, Y'ALL
COME ON, DO IT, DO IT, Y'ALL ♪
♪ HUH, JUST LIKE THAT
DO IT, YEAH, DO IT ♪
♪ DO IT, 'CAUSE WE GONNA
DO IT JUST LIKE THAT ♪
♪ HUH, HUH, JUST LIKE THAT ♪
♪ JUST DO IT, JUST DO IT
JUST DO IT, WE GONNA DO IT ♪
♪ HUH, JUST LIKE THAT
COME ON, JUST LIKE THAT ♪
♪ JUMP, JUMP, GO, GO DO IT ♪♪
HONEY, THIS IS SO WONDERFUL.
I HAVE NEVER KNOWN
ANYONE LIKE YOU.
OH, BERT, DON'T BE SILLY.
NO, I MEAN IT. HONEY, UH, THERE'S
SOMETHING I WANNA ASK YOU.
YES? WELL, UH, WOULD YOU...
OH, MY GOD, IT'S
SNOOKIE. LET'S LEAVE.
HEY, WHO THERE SAID SNOOK?
SOMEBODY CALL MY NAME?
WHO DAT?
MM-MM-MM. LYDIA, LYDIA, LYDIA.
NOW LISTEN HERE, GIRL. I KNOW IT'S BEEN
A LONG TIME, BUT IT AIN'T BEEN THAT LONG.
DON'T BE ACTING LIKE
YOU DON'T SEE ME.
OH, SNOOKIE. WHAT A
PLEASANT SURPRISE.
MM-HMM. MM-HMM. WHO'S THIS
YOU GOT HERE WITH YOU THIS WEEK?
WHO IS THIS, MARK,
STEVE, RONNY? MM-HMM.
BOBBY OR RICKY MARK? MM-HMM.
I KNOW YOU AIN'T LARRY.
HE'S IN JAIL. MM-HMM.
FOR TRYING TO KILL YOU,
IF I REMEMBER CORRECT.
LISTEN HERE, GIRL. LISTEN HERE.
YOU GO SLEEPING WITH A MAN'S
BEST FRIEND IN HIS OWN BED,
HE'S BOUND TO GO
OFF LIKE THAT. SNOOKIE!
UH, I'M BERT. MM-HMM. HOW'D
YOU DO? HOW'D YOU DO?
WELL, IT WAS NICE SEEING YOU,
SNOOKIE. I'M SORRY YOU CAN'T JOIN US.
THE HELL I CAN'T.
LOOK HERE. COME ON, COME
ON, SLIDE OVER, SLIDE OVER.
IF I'M GONNA FIT UP
IN HERE, SLIDE OVER.
WAIT, WAIT, THIS IS
A TABLE FOR TWO.
OOH, NOW LOOK IT HERE. MM-MM-MM.
YOU'RE KINDA CUTE.
NOW LISTEN. ME MYSELF,
I'M WITH A WHITE MAN.
MM-HMM. YEAH, I FIGURE
SOMEBODY'S GOTTA DO HIM,
MIGHT AS WELL BE SNOOKIE.
OOH, THAT'S A CUTE WATCH YOU
GOT ON. HOW MUCH MONEY YOU GOT?
- SNOOKIE, PLEASE.
- THAT IS PRIVATE.
AND WE'RE HAVING A PRIVATE
DINNER HERE, SO PLEASE.
THAT MEANS YOU GOT... YOU
JUST BROKE. AIN'T GOT NO MONEY.
THAT'S WHAT THAT MEANS. EXCUSE
ME. ARE YOU READY TO ORDER?
YES, I AM. UH, YOU. I AM READY.
WELL, I AIN'T. WHERE THE HELL'S
THE MENU? LET ME SEE WHAT YOU GOT.
I JUST WANT ME SOMETHING
GOOD UP IN HERE.
HMM. NO, Y'ALL, COME HERE.
Y'ALL GOT ANY
CHITLINS? NO, MA'AM.
MM-HMM. WELL, IT DON'T MATTER.
'CAUSE SNOOKIE DON'T EAT
JUST ANYBODY'S CHITLINS.
YOU KNOW, YOU GOTTA
KNOW HOW TO CLEAN 'EM.
YEAH. HERE. LISTEN HERE.
WHAT'S THIS YOU EATING BACK HERE,
BABY? WHAT'S THAT? IS THAT CHICKEN?
IT'S PEKING DUCK WITH
A LIGHT LEMON SAUCE.
WELL, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.
DOES IT COME WITH
THESE FRIES? MM-HMM.
OR DO I HAVE TO ORDER THEM
SEPARATELY? ARE THEY CRISPY OR SOGGY?
MM-HMM. THAT'S ALL RIGHT, BABY,
'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE MINE EITHER WAY.
I LIKE MINE BURNT. YOU
UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?
YOU GOT ANY KET...
Y'ALL AIN'T GOT NO KET...
HEY, LISTEN HERE. LET ME BORROW
SOME OF Y'ALL KETCHUP OVER HERE.
MM-HMM.
MM-MM, I DON'T LIKE THAT.
THAT'S NOT GOOD. I WANT ME
SOMETHING THAT TASTES GOOD, Y'ALL.
WAITER!
SNOOKIE, WE'RE TRYING TO
HAVE A QUIET DINNER ALONE.
ALONE? WELL, NOW I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU KNEW WHAT THAT WORD MEANT.
WAIT, WAIT. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT? PAY NO ATTENTION TO HER.
I'M TALKING ABOUT ALL THE MEN.
MM-HMM. LISTEN HERE, BOY. COME HERE.
COME HERE.
GET ME SOME REAL FOOD OUT HERE,
BOY, BEFORE I HAVE TO GET IGNORANT.
WAIT A SECOND. WAIT A
SECOND HERE. MEN? WHAT MEN?
WAIT A MINUTE. YOU MEAN TO
TELL ME YOU DIDN'T TELL HIM?
TELL ME WHAT? WELL, SHE'S A HO.
SNOOKIE, SHUT UP!
MM-HMM. NOW LISTEN.
NOW YOU KNOW...
YOU KNOW THAT AIN'T NO WAY
FOR NO MOTHER TO BE TALKING.
MOTHER? LYDIA, YOU GOT A KID?
A KID?
CHILD, SHE GOT A LITTER.
LISTEN HERE. BUT YOU AIN'T
GOT NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT,
'CAUSE SHE'S STERILE NOW.
MM-HMM. HAPPENS WHEN YOU
DON'T TREAT THEM SOCIAL DISEASES.
MM-HMM. AND LORD
KNOWS SHE'S BEEN SOCIAL.
UH, YEAH, LOOK HERE. I'M
OUTTA HERE. BERT, WAIT FOR ME.
OH, SNOOKIE! NOW.
WHO'S A WOMAN GOTTA SLEEP WITH
TO GET SOME SERVICE AROUND HERE?
♪♪
♪ UH ♪
♪ UH ♪
♪♪
HELLO, NEW RECRUITS.
YOU MIGHT REMEMBER ME FROM
THE RODNEY KING PROCEEDINGS.
AS A POLICE OFFICER, MY OATH IS
TO PROVIDE SERVICE AND SAFETY...
TO THE SOLID
CITIZENS OF THE CITY.
WELL, MINE IS, "SAY
IT, DON'T SPRAY IT."
OH, A SMART-ASS.
WELL, IF I HAD NINE OF L.A.'S
FINEST HOLDING TASER GUNS...
AND WIELDING BILLY CLUBS
BEHIND ME, I'D FIGHT YOU RIGHT NOW.
BUT I'M KINDA BUSY.
SO, WHO'S HERE TODAY?
YOU MUST BE STEVEN SIMMONS.
AND YOU, YOU'D BE STAN SMITH.
AND I TAKE IT YOU'RE SISSY
SPACEK FROM SARASOTA SPRINGS.
HEY, WHO'S BEEN
MESSING WITH MY LIST?
WAS IT YOU,
MR. PRANKSTER? NO, SIR!
WHAT'S THE MATTER, SASSAFRAS?
ARE YOU SCARED? ARE YOU
FRIGHTENED? ARE YOU NERVOUS?
YOU'RE SWEATING LIKE A
SUCKLING SOW ON A SIZZLING SPIT!
AND WHAT ARE YOU SMIRKING
AT, SMARTY-PANTS? HMM?
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU HAVE TO
BE VERY TOUGH TO BE A POLICE OFFICER.
OKAY, PANTYWAIST,
TAKE A SHOT AT YOUR OLD SARGE.
THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
NOW LET ME TRY.
THIS BRINGS US TO LESSON NUMBER
ONE... GET TO KNOW YOUR WEAPON.
BUT DON'T EVER
USE IT RECKLESSLY.
- CAN YOU SAY "RECKLESSLY"?
- RECKLESSLY.
EXCELLENT.
POLICE OFFICERS
HAVE TO REMEMBER...
EVENTS EXACTLY AS THEY HAPPEN.
THIS IS A SUSPECT.
AND THIS IS A CAN OF MACE.
NOW, WHAT DID YOU SEE?
YOU USED EXCESSIVE FORCE.
NO, THIS IS EXCESSIVE FORCE.
NOW, WHAT DID YOU
SEE? POLICE BRUTALITY.
I THINK SOMEBODY NEEDS
TO GET THEIR EYES CHECKED.
VISION'S GETTING A
LITTLE BLURRY, ISN'T IT?
READ THE BOTTOM LINE!
AND WHAT DID YOU SEE, SON?
UH, YEAH, IT LOOKED LIKE HE WAS ON
P.C.P., THEN HE ATTACKED YOU, RIGHT?
AND YOU WERE JUST ACTING
LIKE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO.
HEY, KID, ARE YOU
REGISTERED FOR JURY DUTY?
INCIDENTALLY,
REMEMBER THAT WORD...
P.C.P.
IT STANDS FOR "POUNDS
CROOK PERSISTENTLY."
CAN YOU SAY "PERSISTENTLY"?
PERSISTENTLY.
SOUNDS LIKE WE'RE IN SYNC.
NOW FOR LESSON NUMBER THREE.
YOU MUST IDENTIFY
THE ENEMY INSTANTLY.
THAT'S WHY WE SET UP
THIS SIMULATION. CURTAIN!
SAY YOU'RE IN A SEEDY
PART OF THE CITY,
WHEN YOU STUMBLE UPON
SEVERAL SILLY SUSPECTS...
SECRETLY SLIPPING
ACROSS THE STREET.
AS A POLICE OFFICER, YOU MUST
MAKE SPLIT-SECOND DECISIONS,
SEPARATING THE INNOCENT
FROM THE DESPICABLE.
READY ON THE RIGHT. READY ON
THE LEFT. READY ON THE FIRING LINE.
ALL RIGHT, STUDENTS, SELECT
THE MOST DANGEROUS SUSPECT.
NO, NO, NO, HE'S NO
THREAT. HOLD YOUR FIRE.
- WHAT ABOUT HIM?
- NOT THIS TIME.
BELIEVE ME, THERE'S A MUCH
BIGGER THREAT TO THE MEN IN BLUE.
THAT'S HIM. KILL THE BASTARD
WITH THE VIDEO CAMERA.
GET HIM!
SHOOTING LIKE THIS,
YOU'RE NOT GONNA SURVIVE.
HOLD YOUR FIRE.
TAKE HIM OUT AND YOU CAN WASTE
EVERYBODY ELSE AT YOUR OWN LEISURE.
CONGRATULATIONS, STUDENTS,
YOU'VE PASSED THE COURSE.
BUT NOW IT'S TIME TO
RECITE THE POLICEMAN'S OATH.
NOW RAISE YOUR RIGHT HAND...
AND REPEAT AFTER ME.
- I...
- I...
- STATE YOUR NAME.
- STATE YOUR NAME.
PROMISE TO SUPPORT THE SYSTEM...
AND SUCCESSFULLY STRIP SUSPICIOUS
SUSPECTS WITH EXCESSIVE FORCE.
PROMISE TO SUPPORT THE SYSTEM AND
SUCCESSFULLY STRIP SUSPICIOUS SUSPECTS...
SUFFERING SUCCOTASH.
SUFFERING SUCCOTASH.
HEY, WHAT'S THIS?
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
YOU THINK YOU CAN
JUST COME IN HERE...
AND FILM POLICE
OFFICERS TRAINING?
IS THAT IT? THIS IS
TOP SECRET, MISTER.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO GIVE
YOU A LITTLE WARNING. YEAH.
PLEASE WELCOME EAST WEST
RECORDING ARTISTS DA YOUNGSTERS.
OW.
THEY'RE DOING THEIR NEW SINGLE PRODUCED
BY NAUGHTY BY NATURE, "CREWZ POP."
♪ YEAH, YEAH YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪