In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 4, Episode 16 - Dirty Little Dick - full transcript
HEY, WORD UP. WELCOME TO IN LIVING
COLOR'S SALUTE TO VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'M READY TO GO IF Y'ALL ARE
READY TO GO FOR REAL, THOUGH.
FOX PRESENTS
THE WORLD'S FIRST...
CONDOM COMMERCIAL
ON NETWORK TELEVISION.
DID YOU EVER NOTICE HOW
I DO ALL THESE ROUTINES?
SEE, I DO THE ROUTINES ABOUT
THE LITTLE KIDS BECAUSE I LIKE KIDS.
BUT THEN THEY START TO GROW
UP AND BECOME TEENAGERS,
AND I DON'T LIKE THEM ANYMORE
BECAUSE THEY'RE STUPID.
THEY'RE JUST STUPID. SEE,
MY OLDEST SON IS STUPID.
THE OTHER DAY, I WAS TRYING
TO GET INTO THE BATHROOM,
AND HE TELLS ME THAT HE WON'T
LET ME IN BECAUSE HE'S TRYING TO GO.
BUT EVERY TIME HE TRIES TO GO, IT
FEELS LIKE HIS PUDDING POP IS ON FIRE.
NOW,
MY BOY'S GOT BACK DRAFT
GOING OUT HIS BOXER SHORTS.
YOU SEE. AND, SEE, IT'S ALL BECAUSE
HE DIDN'T USE ANY PROTECTION!
NO PROTECTION, SEE?
THIS IS WHY I'M ENDORSING...
THE COSBY CONDOM.
SEE. THE COSBY CONDOM.
OKAY. SEE, THAT'S WHY, SEE...
AND THEY COME IN A
VARIETY OF COLORS,
FROM THE RED STRAWBERRY
TO THE LEMON YELLOW.
THEY COME IN THE GREEN GRAPE
AND THE PURPLE PASSION FRUIT, SEE.
AND, SEE, THERE'S
EVEN A SPECIAL...
SEE, IF YOU GET INTO THE BOX,
THEY GIVE YOU A SPECIAL ONE.
IT'S WHAT I CALL THE...
"HEY! HEY! HEY!" CONDOM, SEE.
SO THAT'S WHY... SEE, WHEN
YOU'RE WITH YOUR WOMAN, SEE,
AND YOU START WHISPERING, YOU KNOW,
SWEET LITTLE NOTHINGS INTO THE EAR...
AND IT'S "FARVY,
FARVIES, FAR-FA-FAR-FAR."
SEE, AND NOW YOUR TONGUE
IS GOING INTO THE EAR...
THEN YOUR WIFE, CAMILLE'S, EYES
STARTS GOING UP INTO THE HEAD,
SEE, AND SHE STARTS
MAKING THOSE SOUNDS LIKE...
AND THEN SHE STARTS
MAKING FACES LIKE, YOU KNOW...
AND THEN YOU FEEL SAFE IN KNOWING
THAT YOU WON'T GET ANY FUNKY DISEASES.
AND YOU ALWAYS WILL KNOW
YOU WON'T MAKE ANY KIDS...
THAT WILL GROW UP
AND BECOME STUPID!
SO BEFORE YOU DIP YOUR
SPOON INTO THE PUDDING,
MAKE SURE YOU'RE
WEARING A COSBY CONDOM!
THANK YOU.
TAKE IT FROM AMERICA'S
MOST BELOVED FATHER...
I'D RATHER BE SINGLE!
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP AND
SIP ON A DREAM ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE ON A
FUNKY SCENE ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO ♪♪
NEXT!
LISTEN, DO YOU
MIND IF I GO FIRST?
I'VE GOT TO GET BACK TO THE
STOCK EXCHANGE BEFORE 4:00.
OH, SURE, LET YOU GO
EMBEZZLE YOUR MILLIONS...
WHILE I STRUGGLE TO GET
BY OFF OF MINIMUM WAGE.
I DON'T THINK SO.
HOMEY DON'T PLAY THAT.
SIT DOWN. I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT.
I SAID SIT DOWN!
- NAME.
- HOMEY D. CLOWN.
OH, YES. HERMAN SIMPSON.
WE KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU.
I'M SALLY. I'M YOUR
NEW PAROLE OFFICER.
- WHAT'S THAT, SALLY?
- IT'S YOUR FILE.
LET'S SEE. "ABUSIVE LANGUAGE,
FAILURE TO PERFORM PRESCRIBED..."
SAVE YOUR BREATH. THAT'S
JUST ANOTHER LONG LIST OF LIES...
PERPETRATED BY THE MAN
TO KEEP A BROTHER DOWN.
CLOWN, PLEASE. LET'S PLACE
THE BLAME WHERE IT BELONGS.
I BELIEVE YOUR ANTI-SOCIAL
BEHAVIOR IS THE REAL PROBLEM.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
THE REAL PROBLEM IS.
THE REAL PROBLEM IS YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A
TOOL OF THE MAN. YOU ARE LIVING IN A FANTASY.
ANOTHER OPPRESSOR. YOU WANNA
BLAME EVERYBODY BUT YOURSELF!
YOU WANT TO BREAK THE RULES AND
STAY OUT OF JAIL! YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME!
I DON'T THINK SO.
♪♪
YEAH! IT'S HOMEY THE CLOWN!
HEY, HOMEY, DOES YOUR NOSE
SQUEAK? GIRL, DON'T TOUCH MY NOSE.
HEY, CLOWNY, DO A
STUPID CLOWN TRICK. YEAH!
I'D LOVE TO. HERMAN!
COME ON! YEAH, COME ON!
OKAY, CHILDREN. JUST
ONE STUPID CLOWN TRICK.
YEAH! YEA!
LOOK AT HOMEY'S FLOWER.
SMELL HOMEY'S FLOWER.
OKAY, RUN ALONG,
LITTLE CHILDREN.
SEE? HE'S A STUPID WEAK CLOWN.
NOW, THAT'S MORE LIKE
THE HERMAN I WANT TO SEE.
HE KICKED ME IN
MY BEHIND, HONEY.
OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. BECAUSE YOU'RE
STARTING TO ACT LIKE A REAL PERSON.
BY THE WAY, MAMA'S
COMING OVER ON MONDAY.
AND WEDNESDAY YOU
START YOUR NEW JOB.
BUT I GOT A JOB, HONEY BUNCH.
I'M A CLOWN, REMEMBER?
YOU'RE NOT A CLOWN.
YOU'RE A BUFFOON.
I'M TALKING ABOUT
A REAL JOB, HERMAN.
AN ENTRY LEVEL POSITION AT THAT
FANCY NEW RESTAURANT I TOLD YOU ABOUT.
NOT CHEZ WHITEY. YES.
LOOK. IT'S HIGH TIME YOU
STOPPED PLAYING THE FOOL.
GET YOURSELF OUT OF THAT RIDICULOUS
OUTFIT AND INTO A REGULAR SUIT.
YOU KNOW, HERMAN,
I CAN JUST PICTURE IT.
YOU WEARING ONE OF THOSE
NICE LITTLE RED VALET JACKETS.
IF YOU'RE FAITHFUL AND HUMBLE,
AND DO EXACTLY WHAT
THE MAN TELLS YOU...
THAT MEANS NO HOSTILITY...
THEY MIGHT EVEN LET YOU
INSIDE THE RESTAURANT.
THE TIME HAS COME FOR
YOU TO FIT INTO SOCIETY.
COME ON, HERMAN, GIVE IT UP
AND JOIN THE ESTABLISHMENT.
THE ESTABLISHMENT, HUH? YES.
YOU WANT ME TO PUT ON A LITTLE MONKEY
SUIT AND PARK CARS FOR THE MAN, HUH?
MAYBE IF I DO REAL GOOD, I
CAN MOVE UP TO WASHING DISHES.
THEN MAYBE WAITING
TABLES. WHO KNOWS?
MAYBE FIVE OR SIX YEARS LATER,
I'LL BE ABLE TO SEAT
WHITEY HIMSELF.
YOU'D LIKE THAT, WOULDN'T
YOU? YES, HERMAN, I WOULD.
I DON'T THINK SO.
HOMEY, DON'T PLAY THAT.
- I'M TELLING DADDY.
- GOOD. GIVE HIM THIS
WHEN YOU SEE HIM.
HMM. NOW, I WONDER WHERE
THOSE SWEET LITTLE CHILDRENS WENT.
THERE HE IS! I TOLD
YOU HE'D STILL BE HERE.
HEY, UH... HEY, CLOWN MAN, DO
ANOTHER TRICK FOR US, WILL YA?
YEAH! YEAH!
ANOTHER CLOWN
TRICK, HUH? YEAH! YEAH!
SO YOU CAN FALL DOWN LAUGHING WHILE I DEGRADE
AND SHAME MYSELF FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT, HUH?
YEAH! YOU'D LIKE
THAT, WOULDN'T YOU?
YEAH! YEAH! HOMEY! HOMEY!
HOMEY! HOMEY! HOMEY!
HOMEY! SIT DOWN!
GATHER ROUND, LITTLE CHICKADEES.
HOMEY'S GOT A LITTLE
LOVE STORY TO TELL YOU.
OOH! NOW, WHICH ONE OF YOU
KICKED ME IN MY BEHIND EARLIER?
HE DID! ME!
OKAY, YOU GET UP HERE
AND BE MY ASSISTANT. YEAH!
HEY!
NOW, ONCE UPON A TIME,
TWO LONELY HEARTS CAME TOGETHER.
WOO WOO. WOW. JUST LIKE THIS.
OOH. EWWW.
THEN LOVE POURED ALL
OUT FROM THEIR HEARTS,
NICE AND THICK LIKE.
UNTIL HOMEY REALIZED...
THAT IT WAS JUST A TRICK
TO WHITEN HIM UP, LIKE SO.
AND IT MADE HIS HEART BEAT
OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
THE END.
SO, WHAT HAS OUR LITTLE LESSON
TAUGHT US IF NOTHING ELSE, CHILDRENS?
HOMEY DON'T PLAY THAT.
VERY GOOD. NOW, LET'S SING
A LITTLE HOMEY LOVE SONG.
YOU DO BACKUP FOR
ME, WOULD YOU? YEAH!
- ♪ LOVE IS BAD ♪
- ♪ BAD ♪
♪ LOVE IS SAD ♪
♪ SAD ♪
♪ LOVE AIN'T GLAD ♪
♪ GLAD ♪
♪ LOVE IS SOMETHING
YOU WISH YOU NEVER HAD ♪
♪ 'CAUSE LOVE TAKES YOUR HEART
AND KICKS IT AROUND THE ROOM ♪
♪ THEN IT TRIES TO SET YOU
UP AND SEND YOU TO JAIL ♪
♪ IT'LL MAKE YOU UNHAPPY
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE ♪
I SAID BACK ME UP.
♪♪
HEY, HEY! HEY!
THE WHITE GIRL IS OFF BEAT.
THE END.
TIRED OF MAKING UP LAME EXCUSES?
DON'T YOU WANNA
CUDDLE? BABY NEEDS A HUG.
I CAN'T HUG YOU RIGHT
NOW. I'M STILL SLEEPING.
IS POSTCOITAL CUDDLING
BRINGING YOU DOWN?
SEE, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I GOT TO BE
SOMEWHERE AT 6:00 TOMORROW MORNING.
THEN I'LL LEAVE WITH YOU.
NO. BUT, UH, YOU
CAN'T LEAVE WITH ME,
'CAUSE MY CAR WAS IN AN ACCIDENT
AND IT ONLY HAS ONE SEAT LEFT.
THEN I'LL SIT ON
YOUR LAP. UH, LISTEN.
NOW, I DIDN'T WANNA HAVE TO
TELL YOU THIS, AND IT'S TOP SECRET.
I'M ON A MISSION FOR THE
C.I.A. I HAVE TO TRAVEL ALONE.
IT'S A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH.
BUT IF YOU DIE, I
DON'T WANNA LIVE.
GEEZ, WHAT DO I HAVE
TO DO TO GET RID OF HER?
SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEED THE
EJECTOR BED FROM RUDECO.
YES, IT'S SIMPLE TO OPERATE AND CAN EJECT
UP TO 2,000 POUNDS IN A SINGLE THRUST.
OH, WOW. THIS NEVER
HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE.
I GUESS I MUST'VE BEEN
UNDER A LOT OF STRESS.
MAYBE SOME FRESH AIR MIGHT HELP.
YES, THE EJECTOR BED.
YOUR BEST FRIEND
IN A STICKY SITUATION.
HONEY, I'M HOME.
IT'S MY WIFE. OH, NO!
WHERE WILL I HIDE?
DON'T GET CAUGHT WITHOUT ONE.
THE EJECTOR BED FROM RUDECO.
EJECTOR DESK AND EJECTOR
CHAIR SOLD SEPARATELY.
♪♪
HI. YOU MUST BE
VELMA MULHOLLAND.
THAT'S RIGHT, KID. GOT
A CIGARETTE, JOHNNY?
NO, I DON'T SMOKE. SORRY.
STICK AROUND, BRIGHT BOY.
I'LL TEACH YA A FEW THINGS.
OH, REALLY? WELL, UH, LISTEN,
MY NAME IS ACTUALLY EDDIE.
EDDIE, JOHNNY,
KID, BRIGHT BOY...
IT'S A BIG WORLD OUT
THERE. WHAT'S IN A NAME?
THAT'S HIP. UM...
LISTEN, MY MAN STEVE
TOLD ME A LOT ABOUT YOU.
SAID YOU'RE A PARTY GIRL AND
YOU'RE KIND OF OLD-FASHIONED.
LIES, ALL LIES, I TELL YOU.
SURE, MAYBE I HUNG WITH THE WRONG CROWD AND
SKIPPED SUNDAY SCHOOL, BUT I'M NOT ALL BAD.
NO. HE SAID GOOD THINGS
ABOUT YOU. HE SAID THAT,
YOU KNOW, BESIDES YOU LOOKIN'
GOOD, HE SAID THAT, YOU KNOW,
YOU WORKED AT THE FIVE AND 10, GOT A
JOBSKY AND, YOU KNOW, YOU LIKE OLD MOVIES.
SURE, I SEE A PICTURE
SHOW NOW AND AGAIN.
IT HELPS TO PASS THE TIME WHEN YOUR
HEART'S BEEN BROKEN IN SO MANY PIECES...
IT FEELS AS THOUGH YOU'LL
NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY.
HEY, UH, WHY DON'T WE JUST
TALK ALL THIS OVER OVER DINNER...
AND SOME MOVIES OR SOMETHING?
AW, JOHNNY, YOU'RE
A SWEET KID. I AM?
BUT DON'T YOU SEE?
IT'D NEVER WORK.
I'M NO GOOD FOR YA, JOHNNY. I'D BE TROUBLE FROM
THE WORD GO. HELL, MY MIDDLE NAME IS TROUBLE.
BUT NOT YOU, JOHNNY. YOU'VE GOT
A SHOT AT SOMETHING REALLY BIG.
YOU'RE GONNA MAKE
SOMETHING OF YOURSELF.
I'M GONNA BE SOMEBODY?
JOHNNY, DON'T YOU SEE? WE'RE
FROM TWO DIFFERENT WORLDS.
YOU'RE REAL TOP-DRAWER, HEAD
OF THE LIST, CREAM OF THE CROP.
I'M NOTHING BUT A WASHED-UP HAS-BEEN
WORKIN' IN A DIME-A-DANCE SALOON.
STEVE SAID YOU WORKED
AT THE FIVE AND 10.
FIVE AND 10, DIME-A-DANCE.
CAN'T YA SEE, JOHNNY, I'M TRYING TO KNOCK
SOME SENSE INTO THAT LUNKHEAD OF YOURS.
I'M NO GOOD FOR YOU.
NO GOOD, I TELL YOU.
OH, JOHNNY, YOU DESERVE THAT STONE COTTAGE
WITH THE PICKET FENCE AND THE SHADY OAK TREE.
IF YOU STICK AROUND WITH ME, KID, THEY'LL
RUIN YOUR LIFE JUST LIKE THEY'VE RUINED MINE.
HEY, LOOK, IS IT THE
BLACK-AND-WHITE THING?
BECAUSE YOU SHOULD'VE SAID
THAT UP FRONT. ALL RIGHT, JOHNNY.
YOU'VE FORCED ME TO SAY IT.
I HATE YOU.
YOU HEAR ME? I HATE YOU.
I HATE YOU! I DESPISE YOU!
IF I NEVER SEE THAT PUPPY DOG FACE
AROUND HERE AGAIN, IT'LL BE TOO SOON.
NOW BEAT IT. SCRAM!
I'D BETTER GET OUT OF HERE, 'CAUSE
YOU CAN'T BE HITTIN' A BROTHER LIKE THAT.
JOHNNY!
JOHNNY!
THAT'S RIGHT, JOHNNY.
SAVE YOURSELF.
RUN JUST AS FAST AS
YOUR LEGS WILL CARRY YOU.
RUN TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH IF
YOU HAVE TO, ONLY DON'T LOOK BACK,
BECAUSE I WON'T BE HERE.
BUT I LOVE YOU, YA BIG PALOOKA!
♪♪
♪♪ ♪♪
♪♪
HEY, MY BROTHER.
MAN, YOU'RE NOT GONNA
BELIEVE THE NIGHT I JUST HAD.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
HOW I GOT HERE.
WHAT? OH, YEAH,
SHE WAS ALL THAT.
WELL, BELIEVE THAT.
YEAH, MAN. SHOOT, I WAS SO DRUNK, I
DON'T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT SHE LOOKED LIKE.
BUT I DO REMEMBER SHE HAD
THE THICKEST, JUICIEST LIPS.
UH-HUH.
YEAH. YEAH, AND HER
SKIN WAS SO SMOOTH, MAN.
IT WASN'T LIKE ANY OTHER
WOMAN'S I'VE FELT BEFORE.
I'M NOT LYING. AND
HER BODY, MAN.
LIKE, SHE WAS STRONG. I THINK SHE
WAS, LIKE, AN ATHLETE OR SOMETHING, MAN.
AND WHEN SHE GOT YOU IN THAT LOVE
LOCK, IT WAS OVER, HOMEY. IT WAS OVER.
OH, MAN! AND HER ARMS, BOY!
HER ARMS WERE
SUPPLE AND THIN, MAN.
YEAH, IT WAS GOING ON.
I THINK I JUST HEARD HER. YEAH, I
GOTTA GO, MAN. YOU NEVER KNOW.
IT MIGHT BE TIME TO KNOCK SOME
MORE BOOTS. SEE YOU AROUND, BROTHER.
UH, HEY, BABY...
WHO EVER THOUGHT WE'D END
UP HERE AFTER MEETING IN A CLUB?
YOU KNOW, YOU SO CRAZY.
YOUR MIND IS SO FORGETFUL.
WE DIDN'T MEET IN NO CLUB. WE
MET AT GOLDEN BIRD FRIED CHICKEN.
AND YOU SAID YOU WAS HANKERING FOR SOME
DARK MEAT. I SAID, "HEY, FOR REAL, THOUGH."
YOU GOT A COLD OR SOMETHING?
'CAUSE YOUR VOICE KIND OF HUSKY, MAN.
OH, NO. MY THROAT
IS KIND OF SCRATCHY.
OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. OH, THAT'S
RIGHT. I COULDN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF OF YOU,
'CAUSE YOU THE ONE IN THEM
TIGHT, SEXY, BICYCLE SHORTS.
YOU KNOW, YOUR MIND IS SO THROUGH, 'CAUSE
I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE ON NO BIKER SHORTS.
I HAD ON MY, UH, MY-MY
LEOPARD SKIN TAFFETA DRESS...
AND I HAD ON A TIGER BUSTIER
WITH A LEATHER CHOKER.
YOU KNOW, I GOT IT FROM, UH, FROM FREDERICK'S
OF CRENSHAW DOWN ON FLORENCE AND NORMANDY...
WHEN THEY HAD THAT BIG SCUFFLE.
OH, YEAH. YEAH, YEAH,
MAN. THAT'S RIGHT.
I MEAN, SO MUCH OF LAST NIGHT IS STILL IN A
HAZE, MAN. I DON'T KNOW WHICH END WAS UP.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? THEY WERE
ALL POINTIN' UP AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER.
UH, I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND MY
WALLET. UH, YOU DIDN'T HAPPEN TO...
WAIT A MINUTE. I KNOW YOU AIN'T
ACCUSING ME OF STEALING NOBODY'S WALLET,
'CAUSE WANDA HAS
MONEY. NO! NO! NO! WAIT!
'CAUSE I DON'T NEED NOTHIN'
FROM NOBODY. HOLD ON, BABY.
I DON'T NEED NO MAN TELLING ME WHAT
TO DO, AND I DON'T NEED NO MAN'S MONEY.
EXCUSE ME! ALL RIGHT, NOW. I JUST... I JUST
WANTED TO KNOW HAVE YOU SEEN IT, THAT'S ALL?
OH, I'M SORRY. I'M JUMPING THE GUN
AND STUFF. LET ME HELP YOU FIND IT.
UH, I THINK IT MIGHT
BE NEAR THAT END.
NEAR WHICH END?
DOWN THERE, NEAR THE FOOT. WELL,
WHOSE FOOT? YOUR FOOT OR MY FOOT?
- WELL, LET ME SEE HERE.
- OH, MY GOD!
I THINK I JUST SAW A SKIN-BACK
MONGOOSE OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
YOU SAW A MONGOOSE?
WHERE? IT WAS...
WHERE IS IT? IT'S ON YOUR FACE!
WELL, GET IT OFF!
GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!
FOR REAL? FOR REAL, THOUGH?
DID YOU GET IT OFF? I DON'T
THINK IT'S EVER COMING OFF.
OH, LORD, I COULDN'T
HAVE. PLEASE FORGIVE ME.
FORGIVE ME OF ALL MY
SINS. FORGIVE ME, PLEASE.
THAT'S OKAY. I KNOW YOU
CONCERNED ABOUT ME AND STUFF,
'CAUSE YOU WAS RELIGIOUS LAST NIGHT,
'CAUSE YOU KEPT GOING, "OH, GOD! OH, YEAH!"
AND I SAID, "HEY,
WORD UP! WORD UP!"
♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA LA
LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪♪
STOP SAYING THAT! STOP
SAYING THAT, MAN! IT'S DISGUSTING!
I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE I TOUCHED
YOU, MAN! YOU HIDEOUS, MAN!
WHAT YOU MEAN, I'M HIDEOUS? LAST
NIGHT, YOU WAS BATTING A THOUSAND.
AND IT'S OVER THE WALL! YEAH, IF I HAD A
BAT NOW, I'D WHUP YOUR ASS OVER THE WALL.
HEY, MAN, WHAT YOU...
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? OH, IT'S
LOCKED! THE DOOR, IT'S NAILED SHUT.
WELL, SEE, YOU SO CRAZY. YOU
SAID YOU WANTED SOME PRIVACY.
DON'T BE JUMPING AWAY FROM THIS.
COME GET THIS CHOCOLATE CANDY.
OH, LORD, THIS...
THIS IS A NIGHTMARE.
I DO BELIEVE IN CHRISTMAS. I DO BELIEVE
IN CHRISTMAS. I DO BELIEVE IN CHRISTMAS.
HONEY. HONEY, HONEY!
CHILD, SWEETHEART.
CHRISTMAS ALREADY CAME. YOU GOT THE
MARKS TO PROVE IT. WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT?
LOOK, YOU GOT THE MARKS. LOOK, I
PUT A HICKEY ON YOU RIGHT THERE.
NO! RIGHT THERE IN BETWEEN
YOUR SMOKY MOUNTAINS.
THIS AIN'T NO HICKEY! THIS
IS A BULLET WOUND, MAN!
GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE. HOLD ON NOW.
YOU PROMISED ME SOMETHING ELSE TOO.
MAN, THAT'S MY WEDDING RING!
OUCH! OW! OUCH! YOU'RE HURTING
ME! ASSAULT AND BATTERIES.
ASSAULT AND BATTERIES IN
HERE! ASSAULT AND BATTERIES...
I'M CALLING LARRY PARKER.
I'M SUING YOU. HEY, HEY!
YOU JUST LIKE CLARENCE THOMAS. YOU AIN'T
GOT... I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
YOU JUST LIKE CLARENCE.
HE JUST LIKE CLARENCE.
LET ME SEE... UH-UH!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
HEY, MAN! HEY, BODY SLAMMING ME!
HEY, NOW! UNCLE!
UNCLE! UNCLE! UNCLE!
OH! NOW, LOOK,
LADY, I JUST... I JUST...
I'M REALLY SORRY. ARE YOU OKAY?
I GOT YOU. I JUST WANT YOU TO
BE CALM AND STUFF AROUND ME.
WHY YOU TRYING TO
GET AWAY FROM ME?
WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A
MINUTE. NOW THIS IS CRAZY.
CONTROL YOURSELF.
CHILL OUT. OHH! OHH!
I KNOW YOU'RE EXCITED
'CAUSE YOU'RE HERE WITH ME.
OH! MAN, THIS IS CRAZY. YOU KNOW
HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU, DON'T YOU?
LOOK, JUST GIVE ME BACK MY RING. I'M
GONNA GIVE YOU SOMETHING REAL SPECIAL.
OKAY, THEN. YEAH.
WORK THAT WHICH IS RIGHTEOUS.
ALL RIGHT, NOW CLOSE YOUR EYES.
ALL RIGHT, PUCKER UP, AND
MACK DADDY'S GONNA GIVE YOU...
EVEN AFTER I HAVE
ROCKED HIS WORLD.
- WELL, THANKS FOR JOINING US.
- WE'LL BE BACK NEXT WEEK. ♪♪
SO, DON'T FORGET TO TUNE IN.
PEACE. LOVE YOU, MA. LOVE YOU, MA.
COLOR'S SALUTE TO VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'M READY TO GO IF Y'ALL ARE
READY TO GO FOR REAL, THOUGH.
FOX PRESENTS
THE WORLD'S FIRST...
CONDOM COMMERCIAL
ON NETWORK TELEVISION.
DID YOU EVER NOTICE HOW
I DO ALL THESE ROUTINES?
SEE, I DO THE ROUTINES ABOUT
THE LITTLE KIDS BECAUSE I LIKE KIDS.
BUT THEN THEY START TO GROW
UP AND BECOME TEENAGERS,
AND I DON'T LIKE THEM ANYMORE
BECAUSE THEY'RE STUPID.
THEY'RE JUST STUPID. SEE,
MY OLDEST SON IS STUPID.
THE OTHER DAY, I WAS TRYING
TO GET INTO THE BATHROOM,
AND HE TELLS ME THAT HE WON'T
LET ME IN BECAUSE HE'S TRYING TO GO.
BUT EVERY TIME HE TRIES TO GO, IT
FEELS LIKE HIS PUDDING POP IS ON FIRE.
NOW,
MY BOY'S GOT BACK DRAFT
GOING OUT HIS BOXER SHORTS.
YOU SEE. AND, SEE, IT'S ALL BECAUSE
HE DIDN'T USE ANY PROTECTION!
NO PROTECTION, SEE?
THIS IS WHY I'M ENDORSING...
THE COSBY CONDOM.
SEE. THE COSBY CONDOM.
OKAY. SEE, THAT'S WHY, SEE...
AND THEY COME IN A
VARIETY OF COLORS,
FROM THE RED STRAWBERRY
TO THE LEMON YELLOW.
THEY COME IN THE GREEN GRAPE
AND THE PURPLE PASSION FRUIT, SEE.
AND, SEE, THERE'S
EVEN A SPECIAL...
SEE, IF YOU GET INTO THE BOX,
THEY GIVE YOU A SPECIAL ONE.
IT'S WHAT I CALL THE...
"HEY! HEY! HEY!" CONDOM, SEE.
SO THAT'S WHY... SEE, WHEN
YOU'RE WITH YOUR WOMAN, SEE,
AND YOU START WHISPERING, YOU KNOW,
SWEET LITTLE NOTHINGS INTO THE EAR...
AND IT'S "FARVY,
FARVIES, FAR-FA-FAR-FAR."
SEE, AND NOW YOUR TONGUE
IS GOING INTO THE EAR...
THEN YOUR WIFE, CAMILLE'S, EYES
STARTS GOING UP INTO THE HEAD,
SEE, AND SHE STARTS
MAKING THOSE SOUNDS LIKE...
AND THEN SHE STARTS
MAKING FACES LIKE, YOU KNOW...
AND THEN YOU FEEL SAFE IN KNOWING
THAT YOU WON'T GET ANY FUNKY DISEASES.
AND YOU ALWAYS WILL KNOW
YOU WON'T MAKE ANY KIDS...
THAT WILL GROW UP
AND BECOME STUPID!
SO BEFORE YOU DIP YOUR
SPOON INTO THE PUDDING,
MAKE SURE YOU'RE
WEARING A COSBY CONDOM!
THANK YOU.
TAKE IT FROM AMERICA'S
MOST BELOVED FATHER...
I'D RATHER BE SINGLE!
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP AND
SIP ON A DREAM ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE ON A
FUNKY SCENE ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO ♪♪
NEXT!
LISTEN, DO YOU
MIND IF I GO FIRST?
I'VE GOT TO GET BACK TO THE
STOCK EXCHANGE BEFORE 4:00.
OH, SURE, LET YOU GO
EMBEZZLE YOUR MILLIONS...
WHILE I STRUGGLE TO GET
BY OFF OF MINIMUM WAGE.
I DON'T THINK SO.
HOMEY DON'T PLAY THAT.
SIT DOWN. I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT.
I SAID SIT DOWN!
- NAME.
- HOMEY D. CLOWN.
OH, YES. HERMAN SIMPSON.
WE KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU.
I'M SALLY. I'M YOUR
NEW PAROLE OFFICER.
- WHAT'S THAT, SALLY?
- IT'S YOUR FILE.
LET'S SEE. "ABUSIVE LANGUAGE,
FAILURE TO PERFORM PRESCRIBED..."
SAVE YOUR BREATH. THAT'S
JUST ANOTHER LONG LIST OF LIES...
PERPETRATED BY THE MAN
TO KEEP A BROTHER DOWN.
CLOWN, PLEASE. LET'S PLACE
THE BLAME WHERE IT BELONGS.
I BELIEVE YOUR ANTI-SOCIAL
BEHAVIOR IS THE REAL PROBLEM.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
THE REAL PROBLEM IS.
THE REAL PROBLEM IS YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A
TOOL OF THE MAN. YOU ARE LIVING IN A FANTASY.
ANOTHER OPPRESSOR. YOU WANNA
BLAME EVERYBODY BUT YOURSELF!
YOU WANT TO BREAK THE RULES AND
STAY OUT OF JAIL! YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME!
I DON'T THINK SO.
♪♪
YEAH! IT'S HOMEY THE CLOWN!
HEY, HOMEY, DOES YOUR NOSE
SQUEAK? GIRL, DON'T TOUCH MY NOSE.
HEY, CLOWNY, DO A
STUPID CLOWN TRICK. YEAH!
I'D LOVE TO. HERMAN!
COME ON! YEAH, COME ON!
OKAY, CHILDREN. JUST
ONE STUPID CLOWN TRICK.
YEAH! YEA!
LOOK AT HOMEY'S FLOWER.
SMELL HOMEY'S FLOWER.
OKAY, RUN ALONG,
LITTLE CHILDREN.
SEE? HE'S A STUPID WEAK CLOWN.
NOW, THAT'S MORE LIKE
THE HERMAN I WANT TO SEE.
HE KICKED ME IN
MY BEHIND, HONEY.
OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. BECAUSE YOU'RE
STARTING TO ACT LIKE A REAL PERSON.
BY THE WAY, MAMA'S
COMING OVER ON MONDAY.
AND WEDNESDAY YOU
START YOUR NEW JOB.
BUT I GOT A JOB, HONEY BUNCH.
I'M A CLOWN, REMEMBER?
YOU'RE NOT A CLOWN.
YOU'RE A BUFFOON.
I'M TALKING ABOUT
A REAL JOB, HERMAN.
AN ENTRY LEVEL POSITION AT THAT
FANCY NEW RESTAURANT I TOLD YOU ABOUT.
NOT CHEZ WHITEY. YES.
LOOK. IT'S HIGH TIME YOU
STOPPED PLAYING THE FOOL.
GET YOURSELF OUT OF THAT RIDICULOUS
OUTFIT AND INTO A REGULAR SUIT.
YOU KNOW, HERMAN,
I CAN JUST PICTURE IT.
YOU WEARING ONE OF THOSE
NICE LITTLE RED VALET JACKETS.
IF YOU'RE FAITHFUL AND HUMBLE,
AND DO EXACTLY WHAT
THE MAN TELLS YOU...
THAT MEANS NO HOSTILITY...
THEY MIGHT EVEN LET YOU
INSIDE THE RESTAURANT.
THE TIME HAS COME FOR
YOU TO FIT INTO SOCIETY.
COME ON, HERMAN, GIVE IT UP
AND JOIN THE ESTABLISHMENT.
THE ESTABLISHMENT, HUH? YES.
YOU WANT ME TO PUT ON A LITTLE MONKEY
SUIT AND PARK CARS FOR THE MAN, HUH?
MAYBE IF I DO REAL GOOD, I
CAN MOVE UP TO WASHING DISHES.
THEN MAYBE WAITING
TABLES. WHO KNOWS?
MAYBE FIVE OR SIX YEARS LATER,
I'LL BE ABLE TO SEAT
WHITEY HIMSELF.
YOU'D LIKE THAT, WOULDN'T
YOU? YES, HERMAN, I WOULD.
I DON'T THINK SO.
HOMEY, DON'T PLAY THAT.
- I'M TELLING DADDY.
- GOOD. GIVE HIM THIS
WHEN YOU SEE HIM.
HMM. NOW, I WONDER WHERE
THOSE SWEET LITTLE CHILDRENS WENT.
THERE HE IS! I TOLD
YOU HE'D STILL BE HERE.
HEY, UH... HEY, CLOWN MAN, DO
ANOTHER TRICK FOR US, WILL YA?
YEAH! YEAH!
ANOTHER CLOWN
TRICK, HUH? YEAH! YEAH!
SO YOU CAN FALL DOWN LAUGHING WHILE I DEGRADE
AND SHAME MYSELF FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT, HUH?
YEAH! YOU'D LIKE
THAT, WOULDN'T YOU?
YEAH! YEAH! HOMEY! HOMEY!
HOMEY! HOMEY! HOMEY!
HOMEY! SIT DOWN!
GATHER ROUND, LITTLE CHICKADEES.
HOMEY'S GOT A LITTLE
LOVE STORY TO TELL YOU.
OOH! NOW, WHICH ONE OF YOU
KICKED ME IN MY BEHIND EARLIER?
HE DID! ME!
OKAY, YOU GET UP HERE
AND BE MY ASSISTANT. YEAH!
HEY!
NOW, ONCE UPON A TIME,
TWO LONELY HEARTS CAME TOGETHER.
WOO WOO. WOW. JUST LIKE THIS.
OOH. EWWW.
THEN LOVE POURED ALL
OUT FROM THEIR HEARTS,
NICE AND THICK LIKE.
UNTIL HOMEY REALIZED...
THAT IT WAS JUST A TRICK
TO WHITEN HIM UP, LIKE SO.
AND IT MADE HIS HEART BEAT
OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
THE END.
SO, WHAT HAS OUR LITTLE LESSON
TAUGHT US IF NOTHING ELSE, CHILDRENS?
HOMEY DON'T PLAY THAT.
VERY GOOD. NOW, LET'S SING
A LITTLE HOMEY LOVE SONG.
YOU DO BACKUP FOR
ME, WOULD YOU? YEAH!
- ♪ LOVE IS BAD ♪
- ♪ BAD ♪
♪ LOVE IS SAD ♪
♪ SAD ♪
♪ LOVE AIN'T GLAD ♪
♪ GLAD ♪
♪ LOVE IS SOMETHING
YOU WISH YOU NEVER HAD ♪
♪ 'CAUSE LOVE TAKES YOUR HEART
AND KICKS IT AROUND THE ROOM ♪
♪ THEN IT TRIES TO SET YOU
UP AND SEND YOU TO JAIL ♪
♪ IT'LL MAKE YOU UNHAPPY
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE ♪
I SAID BACK ME UP.
♪♪
HEY, HEY! HEY!
THE WHITE GIRL IS OFF BEAT.
THE END.
TIRED OF MAKING UP LAME EXCUSES?
DON'T YOU WANNA
CUDDLE? BABY NEEDS A HUG.
I CAN'T HUG YOU RIGHT
NOW. I'M STILL SLEEPING.
IS POSTCOITAL CUDDLING
BRINGING YOU DOWN?
SEE, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I GOT TO BE
SOMEWHERE AT 6:00 TOMORROW MORNING.
THEN I'LL LEAVE WITH YOU.
NO. BUT, UH, YOU
CAN'T LEAVE WITH ME,
'CAUSE MY CAR WAS IN AN ACCIDENT
AND IT ONLY HAS ONE SEAT LEFT.
THEN I'LL SIT ON
YOUR LAP. UH, LISTEN.
NOW, I DIDN'T WANNA HAVE TO
TELL YOU THIS, AND IT'S TOP SECRET.
I'M ON A MISSION FOR THE
C.I.A. I HAVE TO TRAVEL ALONE.
IT'S A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH.
BUT IF YOU DIE, I
DON'T WANNA LIVE.
GEEZ, WHAT DO I HAVE
TO DO TO GET RID OF HER?
SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEED THE
EJECTOR BED FROM RUDECO.
YES, IT'S SIMPLE TO OPERATE AND CAN EJECT
UP TO 2,000 POUNDS IN A SINGLE THRUST.
OH, WOW. THIS NEVER
HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE.
I GUESS I MUST'VE BEEN
UNDER A LOT OF STRESS.
MAYBE SOME FRESH AIR MIGHT HELP.
YES, THE EJECTOR BED.
YOUR BEST FRIEND
IN A STICKY SITUATION.
HONEY, I'M HOME.
IT'S MY WIFE. OH, NO!
WHERE WILL I HIDE?
DON'T GET CAUGHT WITHOUT ONE.
THE EJECTOR BED FROM RUDECO.
EJECTOR DESK AND EJECTOR
CHAIR SOLD SEPARATELY.
♪♪
HI. YOU MUST BE
VELMA MULHOLLAND.
THAT'S RIGHT, KID. GOT
A CIGARETTE, JOHNNY?
NO, I DON'T SMOKE. SORRY.
STICK AROUND, BRIGHT BOY.
I'LL TEACH YA A FEW THINGS.
OH, REALLY? WELL, UH, LISTEN,
MY NAME IS ACTUALLY EDDIE.
EDDIE, JOHNNY,
KID, BRIGHT BOY...
IT'S A BIG WORLD OUT
THERE. WHAT'S IN A NAME?
THAT'S HIP. UM...
LISTEN, MY MAN STEVE
TOLD ME A LOT ABOUT YOU.
SAID YOU'RE A PARTY GIRL AND
YOU'RE KIND OF OLD-FASHIONED.
LIES, ALL LIES, I TELL YOU.
SURE, MAYBE I HUNG WITH THE WRONG CROWD AND
SKIPPED SUNDAY SCHOOL, BUT I'M NOT ALL BAD.
NO. HE SAID GOOD THINGS
ABOUT YOU. HE SAID THAT,
YOU KNOW, BESIDES YOU LOOKIN'
GOOD, HE SAID THAT, YOU KNOW,
YOU WORKED AT THE FIVE AND 10, GOT A
JOBSKY AND, YOU KNOW, YOU LIKE OLD MOVIES.
SURE, I SEE A PICTURE
SHOW NOW AND AGAIN.
IT HELPS TO PASS THE TIME WHEN YOUR
HEART'S BEEN BROKEN IN SO MANY PIECES...
IT FEELS AS THOUGH YOU'LL
NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY.
HEY, UH, WHY DON'T WE JUST
TALK ALL THIS OVER OVER DINNER...
AND SOME MOVIES OR SOMETHING?
AW, JOHNNY, YOU'RE
A SWEET KID. I AM?
BUT DON'T YOU SEE?
IT'D NEVER WORK.
I'M NO GOOD FOR YA, JOHNNY. I'D BE TROUBLE FROM
THE WORD GO. HELL, MY MIDDLE NAME IS TROUBLE.
BUT NOT YOU, JOHNNY. YOU'VE GOT
A SHOT AT SOMETHING REALLY BIG.
YOU'RE GONNA MAKE
SOMETHING OF YOURSELF.
I'M GONNA BE SOMEBODY?
JOHNNY, DON'T YOU SEE? WE'RE
FROM TWO DIFFERENT WORLDS.
YOU'RE REAL TOP-DRAWER, HEAD
OF THE LIST, CREAM OF THE CROP.
I'M NOTHING BUT A WASHED-UP HAS-BEEN
WORKIN' IN A DIME-A-DANCE SALOON.
STEVE SAID YOU WORKED
AT THE FIVE AND 10.
FIVE AND 10, DIME-A-DANCE.
CAN'T YA SEE, JOHNNY, I'M TRYING TO KNOCK
SOME SENSE INTO THAT LUNKHEAD OF YOURS.
I'M NO GOOD FOR YOU.
NO GOOD, I TELL YOU.
OH, JOHNNY, YOU DESERVE THAT STONE COTTAGE
WITH THE PICKET FENCE AND THE SHADY OAK TREE.
IF YOU STICK AROUND WITH ME, KID, THEY'LL
RUIN YOUR LIFE JUST LIKE THEY'VE RUINED MINE.
HEY, LOOK, IS IT THE
BLACK-AND-WHITE THING?
BECAUSE YOU SHOULD'VE SAID
THAT UP FRONT. ALL RIGHT, JOHNNY.
YOU'VE FORCED ME TO SAY IT.
I HATE YOU.
YOU HEAR ME? I HATE YOU.
I HATE YOU! I DESPISE YOU!
IF I NEVER SEE THAT PUPPY DOG FACE
AROUND HERE AGAIN, IT'LL BE TOO SOON.
NOW BEAT IT. SCRAM!
I'D BETTER GET OUT OF HERE, 'CAUSE
YOU CAN'T BE HITTIN' A BROTHER LIKE THAT.
JOHNNY!
JOHNNY!
THAT'S RIGHT, JOHNNY.
SAVE YOURSELF.
RUN JUST AS FAST AS
YOUR LEGS WILL CARRY YOU.
RUN TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH IF
YOU HAVE TO, ONLY DON'T LOOK BACK,
BECAUSE I WON'T BE HERE.
BUT I LOVE YOU, YA BIG PALOOKA!
♪♪
♪♪ ♪♪
♪♪
HEY, MY BROTHER.
MAN, YOU'RE NOT GONNA
BELIEVE THE NIGHT I JUST HAD.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
HOW I GOT HERE.
WHAT? OH, YEAH,
SHE WAS ALL THAT.
WELL, BELIEVE THAT.
YEAH, MAN. SHOOT, I WAS SO DRUNK, I
DON'T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT SHE LOOKED LIKE.
BUT I DO REMEMBER SHE HAD
THE THICKEST, JUICIEST LIPS.
UH-HUH.
YEAH. YEAH, AND HER
SKIN WAS SO SMOOTH, MAN.
IT WASN'T LIKE ANY OTHER
WOMAN'S I'VE FELT BEFORE.
I'M NOT LYING. AND
HER BODY, MAN.
LIKE, SHE WAS STRONG. I THINK SHE
WAS, LIKE, AN ATHLETE OR SOMETHING, MAN.
AND WHEN SHE GOT YOU IN THAT LOVE
LOCK, IT WAS OVER, HOMEY. IT WAS OVER.
OH, MAN! AND HER ARMS, BOY!
HER ARMS WERE
SUPPLE AND THIN, MAN.
YEAH, IT WAS GOING ON.
I THINK I JUST HEARD HER. YEAH, I
GOTTA GO, MAN. YOU NEVER KNOW.
IT MIGHT BE TIME TO KNOCK SOME
MORE BOOTS. SEE YOU AROUND, BROTHER.
UH, HEY, BABY...
WHO EVER THOUGHT WE'D END
UP HERE AFTER MEETING IN A CLUB?
YOU KNOW, YOU SO CRAZY.
YOUR MIND IS SO FORGETFUL.
WE DIDN'T MEET IN NO CLUB. WE
MET AT GOLDEN BIRD FRIED CHICKEN.
AND YOU SAID YOU WAS HANKERING FOR SOME
DARK MEAT. I SAID, "HEY, FOR REAL, THOUGH."
YOU GOT A COLD OR SOMETHING?
'CAUSE YOUR VOICE KIND OF HUSKY, MAN.
OH, NO. MY THROAT
IS KIND OF SCRATCHY.
OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. OH, THAT'S
RIGHT. I COULDN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF OF YOU,
'CAUSE YOU THE ONE IN THEM
TIGHT, SEXY, BICYCLE SHORTS.
YOU KNOW, YOUR MIND IS SO THROUGH, 'CAUSE
I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE ON NO BIKER SHORTS.
I HAD ON MY, UH, MY-MY
LEOPARD SKIN TAFFETA DRESS...
AND I HAD ON A TIGER BUSTIER
WITH A LEATHER CHOKER.
YOU KNOW, I GOT IT FROM, UH, FROM FREDERICK'S
OF CRENSHAW DOWN ON FLORENCE AND NORMANDY...
WHEN THEY HAD THAT BIG SCUFFLE.
OH, YEAH. YEAH, YEAH,
MAN. THAT'S RIGHT.
I MEAN, SO MUCH OF LAST NIGHT IS STILL IN A
HAZE, MAN. I DON'T KNOW WHICH END WAS UP.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? THEY WERE
ALL POINTIN' UP AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER.
UH, I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND MY
WALLET. UH, YOU DIDN'T HAPPEN TO...
WAIT A MINUTE. I KNOW YOU AIN'T
ACCUSING ME OF STEALING NOBODY'S WALLET,
'CAUSE WANDA HAS
MONEY. NO! NO! NO! WAIT!
'CAUSE I DON'T NEED NOTHIN'
FROM NOBODY. HOLD ON, BABY.
I DON'T NEED NO MAN TELLING ME WHAT
TO DO, AND I DON'T NEED NO MAN'S MONEY.
EXCUSE ME! ALL RIGHT, NOW. I JUST... I JUST
WANTED TO KNOW HAVE YOU SEEN IT, THAT'S ALL?
OH, I'M SORRY. I'M JUMPING THE GUN
AND STUFF. LET ME HELP YOU FIND IT.
UH, I THINK IT MIGHT
BE NEAR THAT END.
NEAR WHICH END?
DOWN THERE, NEAR THE FOOT. WELL,
WHOSE FOOT? YOUR FOOT OR MY FOOT?
- WELL, LET ME SEE HERE.
- OH, MY GOD!
I THINK I JUST SAW A SKIN-BACK
MONGOOSE OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
YOU SAW A MONGOOSE?
WHERE? IT WAS...
WHERE IS IT? IT'S ON YOUR FACE!
WELL, GET IT OFF!
GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!
FOR REAL? FOR REAL, THOUGH?
DID YOU GET IT OFF? I DON'T
THINK IT'S EVER COMING OFF.
OH, LORD, I COULDN'T
HAVE. PLEASE FORGIVE ME.
FORGIVE ME OF ALL MY
SINS. FORGIVE ME, PLEASE.
THAT'S OKAY. I KNOW YOU
CONCERNED ABOUT ME AND STUFF,
'CAUSE YOU WAS RELIGIOUS LAST NIGHT,
'CAUSE YOU KEPT GOING, "OH, GOD! OH, YEAH!"
AND I SAID, "HEY,
WORD UP! WORD UP!"
♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA LA
LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪♪
STOP SAYING THAT! STOP
SAYING THAT, MAN! IT'S DISGUSTING!
I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE I TOUCHED
YOU, MAN! YOU HIDEOUS, MAN!
WHAT YOU MEAN, I'M HIDEOUS? LAST
NIGHT, YOU WAS BATTING A THOUSAND.
AND IT'S OVER THE WALL! YEAH, IF I HAD A
BAT NOW, I'D WHUP YOUR ASS OVER THE WALL.
HEY, MAN, WHAT YOU...
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? OH, IT'S
LOCKED! THE DOOR, IT'S NAILED SHUT.
WELL, SEE, YOU SO CRAZY. YOU
SAID YOU WANTED SOME PRIVACY.
DON'T BE JUMPING AWAY FROM THIS.
COME GET THIS CHOCOLATE CANDY.
OH, LORD, THIS...
THIS IS A NIGHTMARE.
I DO BELIEVE IN CHRISTMAS. I DO BELIEVE
IN CHRISTMAS. I DO BELIEVE IN CHRISTMAS.
HONEY. HONEY, HONEY!
CHILD, SWEETHEART.
CHRISTMAS ALREADY CAME. YOU GOT THE
MARKS TO PROVE IT. WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT?
LOOK, YOU GOT THE MARKS. LOOK, I
PUT A HICKEY ON YOU RIGHT THERE.
NO! RIGHT THERE IN BETWEEN
YOUR SMOKY MOUNTAINS.
THIS AIN'T NO HICKEY! THIS
IS A BULLET WOUND, MAN!
GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE. HOLD ON NOW.
YOU PROMISED ME SOMETHING ELSE TOO.
MAN, THAT'S MY WEDDING RING!
OUCH! OW! OUCH! YOU'RE HURTING
ME! ASSAULT AND BATTERIES.
ASSAULT AND BATTERIES IN
HERE! ASSAULT AND BATTERIES...
I'M CALLING LARRY PARKER.
I'M SUING YOU. HEY, HEY!
YOU JUST LIKE CLARENCE THOMAS. YOU AIN'T
GOT... I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
YOU JUST LIKE CLARENCE.
HE JUST LIKE CLARENCE.
LET ME SEE... UH-UH!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
HEY, MAN! HEY, BODY SLAMMING ME!
HEY, NOW! UNCLE!
UNCLE! UNCLE! UNCLE!
OH! NOW, LOOK,
LADY, I JUST... I JUST...
I'M REALLY SORRY. ARE YOU OKAY?
I GOT YOU. I JUST WANT YOU TO
BE CALM AND STUFF AROUND ME.
WHY YOU TRYING TO
GET AWAY FROM ME?
WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A
MINUTE. NOW THIS IS CRAZY.
CONTROL YOURSELF.
CHILL OUT. OHH! OHH!
I KNOW YOU'RE EXCITED
'CAUSE YOU'RE HERE WITH ME.
OH! MAN, THIS IS CRAZY. YOU KNOW
HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU, DON'T YOU?
LOOK, JUST GIVE ME BACK MY RING. I'M
GONNA GIVE YOU SOMETHING REAL SPECIAL.
OKAY, THEN. YEAH.
WORK THAT WHICH IS RIGHTEOUS.
ALL RIGHT, NOW CLOSE YOUR EYES.
ALL RIGHT, PUCKER UP, AND
MACK DADDY'S GONNA GIVE YOU...
EVEN AFTER I HAVE
ROCKED HIS WORLD.
- WELL, THANKS FOR JOINING US.
- WE'LL BE BACK NEXT WEEK. ♪♪
SO, DON'T FORGET TO TUNE IN.
PEACE. LOVE YOU, MA. LOVE YOU, MA.