In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 4, Episode 11 - Driving Miss Shott - full transcript
COMING SOON TO A
THEATER NEAR YOU...
THAT BIGMOUTH, BIGOTED
OWNER OF THE CINCINNATI REDS...
IN HER FIRST MAJOR MOTION
PICTURE, DRIVING MISS SHOTT.
YOU KNOW, HOKE, I
DON'T UNDERSTAND...
WHY I GOTTA GO TO THIS
DAMN HEARING ANYWAY.
WELL, THEY SAY IT 'CAUSE OF YOUR
RACIAL HIRING PRACTICES, MISS MA'AM.
WHY, THAT'S JUST INSANE.
IF ANYTHING, I DISCRIMINATE
IN FAVOR OF THE BLACK MAN.
O-OH, MISS MA'AM?
LIKE WHEN I HIRED YOU.
I SAID, "I NEED A DRIVER, AND
HE BETTER DAMN WELL BE BLACK...
THE BLACKER, THE BETTER."
WELL, THANK YOU,
MISS MA'AM. NOT AT ALL.
YOU KNOW, HOKE, DID YOU KNOW THAT I
AM SO SYMPATHETIC TO THE BLACK MAN,
I'VE EVEN TAKEN A SLAVE NAME?
WHAT'S THAT NOW, MA'AM?
MASTER.
THAT'S JUST A LITTLE
JOKE. OH, LOOK HERE.
DON'T GET NONE ON
YA NOW, MISS MA'AM.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I WOULDN'T
RECOMMEND YOU SAY THEM TYPE OF THING...
WHEN YOU GO FOR
THAT HEARIN' TODAY.
'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT GOT YOU
IN TROUBLE IN THE FIRST PLACE,
AND THE PRESS MIGHT
NOT TAKE KINDLY TO IT.
OH, THE PRESS! THEY'RE
JUST A BUNCH OF LIBERAL JEWS.
THEY'RE THE ONES WHO MADE ME
SHORTEN THE TEAM NAME TO THE REDS.
MM-HMM, MM-HMM. WHAT-WHAT-WHAT
DID THE NAME USED TO BE, MISS MA'AM?
THE "COLOR-EDS." GET IT? I GOT
LINES. YOU AIN'T GOT TO TELL ME.
IT WAS JUST A LITTLE MORE
FITTING, DON'T YOU THINK?
YOU KNOW, HOKE,
SPEAKIN' OF JEWS,
HAVE YOU HEARD THE ONE ABOUT
THE NEW JEWISH SPORTS CAR?
UH, MA'AM? IT STOPS ON
A DIME... EVEN PICKS IT UP.
OH.
OH, HUSH UP NOW, MISS SHOTT.
I'M KILLIN' MYSELF. OH,
YOU KILLING ME TOO.
YOU KNOW, HOKE,
IF YOU DON'T DRIVE THIS CAR BETTER,
I'M GONNA TRADE YOU TO THE JAPS...
ALONG WITH THOSE
OTHER UPPITY MILLIONAIRES.
NOW, MA'AM, YOU STARTIN' TO
WORK HOKE'S LAST GOOD NERVE.
NOW, YOU SHOULDN'T
SAY SUCH THINGS.
I'LL SAY WHAT I WANT.
YOU'RE DRIVIN' LIKE AN IDIOT.
I CAN DRIVE BETTER
FROM BACK HERE.
MISS SHOTT, THAT'S THE FIRST
SENSIBLE THING YOU DONE SAID ALL DAY.
I GOT TO GO MAKE
WATER. WHAT? HOKE!
DON'T MISS DRIVING MISS SHOTT.
BECAUSE SOMETIMES WHAT YOU
SAY CAN DRIVE YOU OVER THE EDGE.
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP AND
SIP ON A DREAM ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE ON A
FUNKY SCENE ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO, GO ♪♪
♪♪
GOOD EVENING, BROTHER.
SEASON'S GREETINGS TO YOU.
WHATEVER YOU'RE SELLIN', SON, I
DON'T WANT NONE. NO, WAIT. PLEASE, SIR.
SEE... NO, PLEASE.
PLEASE, SIR, CALM DOWN.
I'M NOT TRYING TO
SELL YOU ANYTHING.
I JUST WANNA SPREAD A LITTLE BIT OF
HOLIDAY CHEER FOR THE CHRISTMAS SEASON...
BY SINGING YOU ONE OF
MY CHRISTMAS CAROLS.
IF YOU LIKE IT, THEN OF COURSE
I APPRECIATE A SMALL DONATION.
IF NOT, THEN PERHAPS YOU COULD
JUST GIVE ME SOME HONEST CRITICISM.
WELL, YOU CAN SING WHAT YOU
WANT, SON, BUT I AIN'T GIVIN' YOU A DIME.
HERE WE GO.
♪♪
♪♪
♪ JINGLE BELLS JINGLE BELLS ♪ ♪♪
♪ JINGLE ALL THE WAY ♪
♪ OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO CHOKE
A MAN IN HIS HALLWAY, HEY ♪
♪ BASHIN' IN YOUR SKULL
WITH ALUMINUM BASEBALL BAT ♪
♪ SWINGIN' FOR THE STANDS LAUGHIN'
WHILE YOUR BRAINS GO SPLAT ♪
HA HA HA!
♪ JINGLE BELLS JINGLE BELLS ♪
♪ JINGLE ALL THE WAY ♪
♪ THROW YOU DOWN A FLIGHT OF ♪
♪ STAIRS ♪
♪ IF YOU DO NOT PAY ♪♪
DO YOU TAKE CREDIT CARDS,
SON? I CERTAINLY DO, SIR.
IT IS BETTER TO GIVE THAN
RECEIVE. HAVE A GOOD DAY.
GOOD EVENING, FOLKS. COULD I SPREAD A LITTLE
BIT OF HOLIDAY CHEER TO YOUR SEASON...
BY SINGING YOU ONE OF
MY CHRISTMAS CAROLS?
LOOK, PAL, WE DON'T HAVE TIME.
WE'RE ON OUR WAY TO A PARTY.
PLEASE, COULD I JUST
SING ONE, SIR? JUST ONE.
AND IF YOU LIKE IT, THEN I'D
APPRECIATE A SMALL DONATION.
IF NOT, THEN MAYBE I COULD
HAVE SOME HONEST CRITICISM.
- OKAY, GO.
- OKAY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
♪♪
♪♪
♪ JOY TO THE WORLD
ICE POE HAS COME ♪
♪ TO TIE YOU TO HIS CAR ♪
♪ AND DRAG YOU
THROUGH THE SNOW ♪
♪ THEN MAKE YOUR GIRL A HO ♪
♪ AND SELL THAT BITCH ON THE
STREET TO EVERY BROTHER I MEET ♪
♪ THEN STOMP YOUR
BOYFRIEND'S HEAD ♪
♪ UPON THE CONCRETE ♪♪
I'M SORRY, MADAM, I
CANNOT TAKE YOUR PURSE.
BUT I'LL TAKE YOUR DAMN WALLET.
HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS,
SIR. MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU.
♪ FA-LA LA-LA-LA-LA
LA LA-LA LA ♪
GOOD EVENING, SIR.
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU.
I'M HERE TO SPREAD A LITTLE BIT OF HOLIDAY
CHEER BY SINGIN' SOME CHRISTMAS CAROLS.
DO YOU MIND? OH, MAN, NOW
THIS IS A COINCIDENCE, MAN,
'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE SPREADIN' A
LITTLE HOLIDAY CHEER MYSELF.
DO YOU MIND? OH, NOT
AT ALL, SIR. FEEL FREE.
♪♪
'TWAS THE NIGHT
BEFORE CHRISTMAS!
♪♪ AND I JUST LOST MY JOB!
NO FOOD IN MY STOMACH...
SO I DECIDED TO ROB!
THE VICTIM WAS SINGING...
AND CAROLING ALONG.
SO I STUCK MY SLIPPERED SHOE...
UP HIS SANTA CLAUS
PUNK ASS TILL HIS...
WOW. I GUESS THE HOLIDAY DOES
BRING OUT THE BEST IN EVERYBODY.
♪♪
HEY! HOW Y'ALL DOIN'?
IT'S ME, BENITA BUTTRELL.
HONEY, I'M SPENDIN' THE HOLIDAYS HELPIN' COLLECT
MONEY FOR THOSE LESS FORTUNATE THAN MYSELF,
WHICH IS EVERYBODY IN
THIS NEIGHBORHOOD, MM-HMM.
WHILE THESE KNUCKLEHEADS WERE OUT
SHOPPIN' AND SPENDIN' NEXT MONTH'S RENT,
MISS BENITA WAS LEARNIN'
TO BE A TECHNICIAN...
AT DR. FLEISCHER'S SCHOOL
OF BOIL AND WART REMOVAL.
THAT'S RIGHT, HONEY. I'M
GONNA HAVE ME SOMETHIN'.
OH, LOOKEE HERE. HERE COMES
MY NEIGHBOR, MR. HERVEY.
MR. HERVEY, GOT SOMETHIN' FOR
THE KETTLE? SORRY. NO CHANGE.
AW, THAT'S OKAY, MR. HERVEY.
THANK YOU. THANKS ANYWAY.
THANKS FOR NOTHIN'. MM-HMM.
THAT MAN SO CHEAP, HE WOULDN'T
LEAVE A TIP AT A CIRCUMCISION.
BUT I AIN'T ONE TO GOSSIP, SO
YOU AIN'T HEARD THAT FROM ME.
OH, BLESS YOU, MR. SINGER.
YOU SO KIND AND GENEROUS.
YOU ALWAYS GIVIN' IT UP TO
THE WIDOWS AND THE ORPHANS.
RIGHT NOW, HE'S GIVIN' IT UP TO
OLD WIDOW JOHNSON. MM-HMM.
THAT MAN SEE MORE
TAIL THAN A VETERINARIAN.
LOOK AT THIS. CYNTHIA WILLIAMS.
THANK YOU, GIRL. HOMEGIRL,
YOU AS PRETTY AS A PICTURE.
AND DUMB AS A POST. MM-HMM.
THAT GIRL SO STUPID, SHE NEARLY
STRANGLED HERSELF WITH A CORDLESS PHONE.
AND SUCH AN IDIOT... IF YOU GAVE
HER A PENNY FOR HER THOUGHTS,
YOU'D HAVE CHANGE COMIN' BACK.
ONCE, SHE GOT LOST IN THOUGHT, AND THEY
HAD TO SEND A SEARCH PARTY TO GET HER OUT.
BUT I AIN'T ONE TO GOSSIP, SO
YOU AIN'T HEARD THAT FROM ME.
BOO BOO!
BOO-BOO-BOO-BOO-BOO! BOO
BOO STARKER! HOW YOU DOIN'?
YOU THE BUSIEST MAN
IN TOWN. ALWAYS MOVIN'.
ALWAYS MOVIN' HIS
BOWELS, THAT IS. MM-HMM.
THAT'S 'CAUSE OF THAT
NEW FIBER DIET HE'S ON.
THE MAN EAT SO MUCH OAT BRAN,
HE ONCE PASSED A WICKER CHAIR.
DOES MORE WIPIN' THAN A
SQUEEGEE AT A TRUCK STOP.
OH, IF IT AIN'T NEECIE ANDERSON
AND HER TWO LITTLE KIDS.
OH, LOOK AT THEM. THEY LOOK
JUST LIKE SANTA'S HELPERS.
MORE LIKE SATAN'S HELPERS.
THEM KIDS SO BAD, EVEN
CHUCKY WON'T PLAY WITH 'EM.
BUT I AIN'T ONE TO GOSSIP, SO
YOU AIN'T HEARD THAT FROM ME.
EXCUSE ME, MISS. I DON'T
MEAN TO BOTHER YOU,
BUT DID YOU SEE A LADY IN A
TRENCH COAT COME THROUGH HERE?
NO. IS THERE A PROBLEM, SIR? SHE'S BEEN
EXPOSIN' HERSELF AT THE HARDWARE DEPARTMENT.
SHE'S DONE IT BEFORE. SHE'S
A LITTLE CRAZY IN THE HEAD.
HER NAME IS, UH... UH, JENKINS?
NO! YOU... OOH! OOH! NO, UH-UH.
NO, DON'T YOU SAY NOTHIN'
BAD ABOUT MISS JENKINS, HONEY!
DON'T YOU SAY NOTHIN'
BAD ABOUT MISS JENKINS.
SHE'S A FINE LADY. FINE LADY.
HONEY, I LOVES ME SOME MISS JENKINS.
SHE'S A PILLAR IN THIS
COMMUNITY. WE ALL LOOK UP TO HER.
DON'T YOU SAY NOTHIN' BAD
ABOUT MISS JENKINS, HONEY.
BUT JUST DON'T GET TOO CLOSE.
THAT WOMAN'S DRAWERS SO FUNKY, SHE
USES AN ODOR-EATER AS A PANTY SHIELD.
BUT I AIN'T ONE TO GOSSIP, SO
YOU AIN'T HEARD THAT FROM ME.
NOW, Y'ALL LISTEN TO MISS
BENITA AND HAVE A NICE HOLIDAY.
♪ THERE WAS A FARMER HAD A
DOG AND BINGO WAS HIS NAME-O ♪
IT'S MO TELL RECORDING ARTISTS
CEPHUS AND REESIE MERRIWEATHER...
IN THEIR MOST
AMBITIOUS PROJECT YET...
CEPHUS AND REESIE'S
SING TUNES FOR TOTS.
B-I-N-G-O B-I-N-G-O ♪
♪ B-I-N-G-O ♪
♪ AND BINGO WAS HIS NAME-O ♪♪
NOW WAIT A MINUTE, CEPHIE.
WHY DID THE FARMER
NAME HIS DOG BINGO?
'CAUSE HE COULDN'T
SPELL "DOMINO"?
WHY, COULDN'T HE
SPELL "MONOPOLO"?
NUH-UH-UH. BUT HE COULD SPELL
"LOTTO." OOH! I'M-A BUY ME A TV!
♪ L-O-T-T-O L-O-T-T-O ♪
♪ L-O-T-T-O ♪
♪ AND LOTTO WAS HIS NAME-O ♪♪
♪ HUSH... HERE WE
GO... LITTLE BABY ♪ ♪♪
♪ DON'T YOU CRY ♪
♪ OH, I CRY ♪
TAKE IT, REESIE!
♪ YOU WILL SEE ♪
SAY WHAT? ♪ I'M GONNA BUY
YOU A SCOO-OO-OO-TER PIE ♪
HERE I GO! ♪
TWINKIES AND HO HOS ♪
♪ DING DONGS TOO ♪♪
NOW WAIT A MINUTE, CEPHIE!
NOW, YOU KNOW FULL WELL ALL THAT
SUGAR IS TOO MUCH FOR YOUR CAVITIES.
IT SURE 'NOUGH IS, 'CAUSE IT AIN'T
AS SWEET AS MY REESIE'S PIECES.
GIVE ME SOME!
ALSO ENJOY THEIR RENDITION OF
SATURDAY MORNING CARTOON THEME SONGS.
♪ SCOOBY DOOBY
DOO WHERE ARE YOU ♪
♪ REESIE LOOKIN' FOR YOU NOW ♪♪
SAY, REESIE, WHERE YOU
SUPPOSE SCOOBY'S AT?
I DON'T KNOW, CEPHIE. DO YOU
THINK HE COULD BE IN BEDROCK?
♪♪ OH-OH.
♪ FLINTSTONES MEET
THE FLINTSTONES ♪
♪ HAVE A YABBA DABBA DOO TIME ♪
♪ A SCOOBY DOO TIME ♪
♪ A TOODLY DOO TIME ♪
♪ A TOODLY DOO TIME ♪
♪ WE MAKIN' OVERTIME ♪
♪ IN DAYLIGHT SAVIN'S TIME ♪
♪ WE WATCHIN' GOOD TIMES ♪
♪ WE'LL HAVE A GAY OLD ♪
♪ YABBA DABBA DOO
TIME ♪ GET ON DOWN.
♪ A SCOOBY DOO TIME ♪
HERE WE GO!
♪ A DIPPITY-DO TIME
A 2 LIVE CREW TIME ♪
♪ WE MAKIN' OVERTIME... ♪
SEND 9.95 TO CEPHUS AND
REESIE'S SING TUNES FOR TOTS,
MO TELL RECORDS, P.O. BOX ABC,
CHITLIN SWITCH, MISSISSIPPI, 90210.
WE'LL HAVE A GAY OLD ♪
♪ TIME ♪♪
OH. YOU ALL RIGHT, BABY?
♪♪
IT'S TIME TO ASK
THE QUESTION: WHY?
HELLO. I'M CHELSEA DREAM
OF EYEWITNESS NEWS...
BRINGING YOU A LIVE REPORT
FROM THE SCENE OF A CRIME.
CAN ANYONE TELL
ME WHAT THEY KNOW?
I'M THE INVESTIGATING OFFICER. I
WAS THE FIRST ONE ON THE SCENE.
I CAN TELL YOU WHAT WE
HAVE ASSESSED THUS FAR.
I'M AN EXPERT CRIMINOLOGIST
WITH A DOCTORATE IN PSYCHOLOGY,
AND I CAN ASSESS
THE SITUATION HERE.
YEAH, BUT CHECK THIS. I
SEEN THE WHOLE THING, RIGHT?
I SEEN THE WHOLE THING. I
CAN TELL YOU WHAT WENT DOWN.
GOOD.
STOP!
WHY DO REPORTERS ALWAYS
CHOOSE THE MOST UNINTELLIGENT,
UNINFORMED BLACK EYEWITNESS?
WHY?
IT WAS DEFINITELY
SOME PEOPLE THAT DID IT.
I WAS JUST ABOUT TO
GET BUSY WITH MY LADY.
'CAUSE SHE WAS NAKED,
AND I WAS BUTT-NAKED.
THEN I HEARD SOMEONE...
I HEARD SOMEBODY SAY,
"YO! YO, BITCH, GET
UP OFF ME," RIGHT?
THEN, PEEP THIS... IS THIS
GONNA BE ON THE NEWS?
HEY, WHAT'S UP? DENISE, TELL
MAMA TO LOOK AT THE NEWS.
HI, MAMA.
WHY?
OH, HEY. MR. MAC, HOW YOU DOIN'?
ARE YOU SURE YOU KNOW
HOW TO HANDLE KIDS? OH, HEY!
YOU'RE TALKIN' TO AL "MERRY
CHRISTMAS" MACAFEE HERE.
YOU KNOW, I TEACH THE
HIGH SCHOOL SHOP CLASS.
IF I CAN KEEP THOSE FUTURE CONVICTS FROM
GOOSIN' EACH OTHER WITH A DAMN NAIL GUN,
I CAN KEEP THESE
LITTLE RUG RATS IN LINE.
GOOD. GO TO IT.
OKAY, HERE WE GO.
♪♪
ALL RIGHT, KIDS! TEN-HUT!
YOU'RE AT THE NORTH POLE, AND SANTA
DOESN'T STAND FOR ANY HORSEPLAY.
SO LET'S GET OUR CHRISTMAS
LISTS IN ORDER AND STEP RIGHT UP.
OH! AND, OH, YEAH, BY
THE WAY, HO, HO, HO.
HI, SANTA. HI THERE, SON.
WHAT YOU GOT IN YOUR MOUTH?
GUM. OH, DID WE BRING
ENOUGH FOR EVERYBODY?
THEN GET RID OF IT.
COME ON, RIGHT HERE.
COME ON, SON. OH,
WISE GUY, ARE YOU?
NOW, UH, WHAT DID YOU WANT
SANTA TO BRING YOU FOR CHRISTMAS?
I WANT A DIRT BIKE, SUPER
NINTENDO, A COMPUTER...
A BRAND-NEW HOUSE TOO?
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.
WHAT DOES YOUR FATHER DO
FOR A LIVING, SON? HE'S A JANITOR.
I THINK, THIS YEAR, SANTA'S GONNA BE
BRINGING YOU A LITTLE DOSE OF REALITY.
HOW'S A PUSH BROOM AND A PAIL
FULL OF DUST? NOW GET OUT OF HERE.
COME ON, COME ON.
OUCH.
SANTA, YOUR LAP'S HURTING
ME. YEAH, SORRY, KID.
SANTA CAUGHT SOME HOT SHRAPNEL
WHEN HE WAS FLYIN' HIS MAGIC SLEIGH...
ON A BOMBING RUN OVER
CAMBODIA BACK IN '72.
THIS HIP'S MADE
OUT OF SOLID STEEL.
YOU HAVE ACTIVATED OUR
INVENTORY CONTROL SYSTEM.
PLEASE STEP BACK AND TRY AGAIN.
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO
RUN OFF WITH THERE, SON?
NOTHIN'. A PAIR OF SHOES. WHY?
IT AIN'T NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
LET'S JUST SAY SANTA
IS MAKIN' IT HIS BUSINESS.
YOU GOT A RECEIPT, WISE
GUY? HERE. RIGHT HERE.
OKAY, YOU GOT A RECEIPT FOR THAT, BUT YOU
GOT A RECEIPT FOR THIS SHIRT YOU'RE WEARIN'?
THIS SHIRT? THIS IS
MINE. I WORE IT HERE.
OH, YEAH. I THINK IT'S TIME YOU
HEARD SANTA'S SPEECH ON SHOPLIFTING.
NO TICKEE, NO SHIRTEE!
YOU AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT
A FLATFOOT MANIAC!
COME AT ME, SON. COME
AT ME. YEAH, CHICKEN.
THAT'S WHAT... HEY. WATCH
IT. I'LL KICK YOUR TEETH IN.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, SANTA. OH.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, UH, TO YOU.
LOOKS LIKE YOU
DON'T HAVE A CHIMNEY,
SO SANTA'S GONNA
HAVE TO USE A DOORBELL.
DING DONG!
MACAFEE! I KNEW
IT. OH, RUTHIE...
I MEAN, MISS TOMPKINS.
AT YOUR SERVICE.
SO, WHAT YOU GOT IN THE BAG
THERE? NONE OF YOUR BUSI...
OH, I GOT YA.
WELL, LOOKEE HERE, LOOKEE HERE.
LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY'S
GOIN' TO A LITTLE HOLIDAY ORGY.
MIND IF OLD ST. MAC TAG ALONG?
IT'S A TEDDY, OKAY, SOMETHIN'
YOU'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE.
OH, I-I CAN JUST SEE IT NOW.
OH, YEAH. OH, GOD.
OH, YEAH.
YOU'RE WEARIN' THIS FLIMSY
LITTLE PIECE OF NOTHIN'...
ON THAT TAUT, TAWNY,
CHOCOLATE-BROWN BODY OF YOURS...
"WREATHING," WIGGLING,
"MAC-MAC-MACAFEE!" OH, YEAH.
SO WHAT DO YOU SAY, BABE? SANTA WANTS
TO FIND OUT IF YOU'VE BEEN NAUGHTY OR NICE.
HEY! COME ON!
I'D RATHER PASS A
FLAMING YULE LOG. IDIOT!
I SEE YOU'RE STILL WORKIN'
OUT, RUTHIE. OH, SHE WANTS ME.
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, KRINGLE? YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO BE OVER HERE IN SANTA'S VILLAGE.
LOOK. THE DAMN
KIDS HAVE DONE LEFT.
IF THIS STORE'S SECURITY
WAS WHAT IT SHOULD BE,
SANTA WOULDN'T HAVE
TO LEAVE HIS POST.
YOU KNOW WHAT? IF YOU
DON'T GET BACK TO YOUR POST,
THE NEXT LINE YOU'RE GONNA
BE IN IS THE UNEMPLOYMENT LINE.
WEREN'T YOU A STUDENT OF MINE?
I FAILED YOU, DIDN'T I, BOY?
SANTA?
YOU MAY NOT BE A VERY
GOOD SANTA, BUT I LOVE YOU.
AW, THAT'S... YOU
KNOW, I TELL YOU,
WHEN YOU, UH, SEE THE HAPPINESS
ON THE FACE OF LITTLE KIDDIES LIKE THIS,
IT MAKES THE WHOLE
GIG WORTHWHILE.
COME ON, SON. MERRY CHRISTMAS.
HI. I WANNA SAY FELIZ NAVIDAD
TO MY FAMILY IN NEW YORK CITY.
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, MOM AND
DAD, GRANDMA AND GRANDPA,
FAMILY AND
FRIENDS... I LOVE YOU.
UM... MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL
MY FAMILY BACK IN JERSEY.
AND, HEY, REDSHAW SCHOOL IN
NEW BRUNSWICK, NEW JERSEY.
AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JOSSIE.
SHE'S A NEW YEAR'S BABY. THANK YOU.
AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY
SISTER. SHE'S A CHRISTMAS BABY.
JESSICA, I LOVE YOU.
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO MY FAMILY
AND FRIENDS, JANET AND RENEE.
AND I WANT TO WISH A MERRY,
MERRY, MERRY CHRISTMAS...
TO THOSE WHO AREN'T
AS FORTUNATE AS WE ARE.
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND GOD BLESS.
HI, GRANDMA.
I'D LIKE TO WISH A MERRY CHRISTMAS
TO ALL THE SPINELESS LITTLE WEAKLINGS...
I HAD TO CRUSH TO
GET WHERE I AM TODAY.
NOW WE HAVE A SPECIAL
CHRISTMAS GIFT FOR YOU.
♪♪
♪ MM-HMM ♪
♪ HANG ALL THE MISTLETOE ♪
♪ I'M GONNA GET TO
KNOW YOU BETTER ♪
♪ THIS CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ AND AS WE TRIM THE TREE ♪
♪ HOW MUCH FUN IT'S
GONNA BE TOGETHER ♪
♪ THIS CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ THE FIRESIDE
IS BLAZIN' BRIGHT ♪
♪ OOH, YEAH AND WE'RE CAROLING ♪
♪ THROUGH THE NIGHT ♪
♪ AND THIS CHRISTMAS WILL BE ♪
♪ A VERY SPECIAL CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ FOR ME ♪
♪ YEAH, OH, YEAH ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH, YEAH ♪
♪ FLY GIRLS, FLY
GIRLS FLY GIRLS ♪
♪ PRESENTS AND CARDS ARE HERE ♪
♪ MY WORLD IS FILLED
WITH CHEER AND YOU ♪
♪ THIS CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
TWINKLE ALL AROUND ♪
♪ BUT YOUR EYES OUTSHINE
THE STARS THIS YEAR ♪
♪ OH, HEY, WORD UP ♪
♪ THE FIRESIDE
IS BLAZIN' BRIGHT ♪
♪ WE'RE CAROLING, I'M
ROCKIN' YOUR WORLD TONIGHT ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH AND
THIS CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ WE'LL BE HERE ♪
♪ A VERY SPECIAL
CHRISTMAS FROM ME... ♪
AND THIS CHRISTMAS.
♪ AND THIS CHRISTMAS
YOU'LL DISCOVER ♪
♪ A VERY SPECIAL CHRISTMAS
FROM IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ MERRY CHRISTMAS, GRANDMA ♪
♪ HEY, HEY, HEY ♪♪
THANK YOU. GOOD NIGHT.
WHOO! MERRY CHRISTMAS!
THEATER NEAR YOU...
THAT BIGMOUTH, BIGOTED
OWNER OF THE CINCINNATI REDS...
IN HER FIRST MAJOR MOTION
PICTURE, DRIVING MISS SHOTT.
YOU KNOW, HOKE, I
DON'T UNDERSTAND...
WHY I GOTTA GO TO THIS
DAMN HEARING ANYWAY.
WELL, THEY SAY IT 'CAUSE OF YOUR
RACIAL HIRING PRACTICES, MISS MA'AM.
WHY, THAT'S JUST INSANE.
IF ANYTHING, I DISCRIMINATE
IN FAVOR OF THE BLACK MAN.
O-OH, MISS MA'AM?
LIKE WHEN I HIRED YOU.
I SAID, "I NEED A DRIVER, AND
HE BETTER DAMN WELL BE BLACK...
THE BLACKER, THE BETTER."
WELL, THANK YOU,
MISS MA'AM. NOT AT ALL.
YOU KNOW, HOKE, DID YOU KNOW THAT I
AM SO SYMPATHETIC TO THE BLACK MAN,
I'VE EVEN TAKEN A SLAVE NAME?
WHAT'S THAT NOW, MA'AM?
MASTER.
THAT'S JUST A LITTLE
JOKE. OH, LOOK HERE.
DON'T GET NONE ON
YA NOW, MISS MA'AM.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I WOULDN'T
RECOMMEND YOU SAY THEM TYPE OF THING...
WHEN YOU GO FOR
THAT HEARIN' TODAY.
'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT GOT YOU
IN TROUBLE IN THE FIRST PLACE,
AND THE PRESS MIGHT
NOT TAKE KINDLY TO IT.
OH, THE PRESS! THEY'RE
JUST A BUNCH OF LIBERAL JEWS.
THEY'RE THE ONES WHO MADE ME
SHORTEN THE TEAM NAME TO THE REDS.
MM-HMM, MM-HMM. WHAT-WHAT-WHAT
DID THE NAME USED TO BE, MISS MA'AM?
THE "COLOR-EDS." GET IT? I GOT
LINES. YOU AIN'T GOT TO TELL ME.
IT WAS JUST A LITTLE MORE
FITTING, DON'T YOU THINK?
YOU KNOW, HOKE,
SPEAKIN' OF JEWS,
HAVE YOU HEARD THE ONE ABOUT
THE NEW JEWISH SPORTS CAR?
UH, MA'AM? IT STOPS ON
A DIME... EVEN PICKS IT UP.
OH.
OH, HUSH UP NOW, MISS SHOTT.
I'M KILLIN' MYSELF. OH,
YOU KILLING ME TOO.
YOU KNOW, HOKE,
IF YOU DON'T DRIVE THIS CAR BETTER,
I'M GONNA TRADE YOU TO THE JAPS...
ALONG WITH THOSE
OTHER UPPITY MILLIONAIRES.
NOW, MA'AM, YOU STARTIN' TO
WORK HOKE'S LAST GOOD NERVE.
NOW, YOU SHOULDN'T
SAY SUCH THINGS.
I'LL SAY WHAT I WANT.
YOU'RE DRIVIN' LIKE AN IDIOT.
I CAN DRIVE BETTER
FROM BACK HERE.
MISS SHOTT, THAT'S THE FIRST
SENSIBLE THING YOU DONE SAID ALL DAY.
I GOT TO GO MAKE
WATER. WHAT? HOKE!
DON'T MISS DRIVING MISS SHOTT.
BECAUSE SOMETIMES WHAT YOU
SAY CAN DRIVE YOU OVER THE EDGE.
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP AND
SIP ON A DREAM ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE ON A
FUNKY SCENE ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO, GO ♪♪
♪♪
GOOD EVENING, BROTHER.
SEASON'S GREETINGS TO YOU.
WHATEVER YOU'RE SELLIN', SON, I
DON'T WANT NONE. NO, WAIT. PLEASE, SIR.
SEE... NO, PLEASE.
PLEASE, SIR, CALM DOWN.
I'M NOT TRYING TO
SELL YOU ANYTHING.
I JUST WANNA SPREAD A LITTLE BIT OF
HOLIDAY CHEER FOR THE CHRISTMAS SEASON...
BY SINGING YOU ONE OF
MY CHRISTMAS CAROLS.
IF YOU LIKE IT, THEN OF COURSE
I APPRECIATE A SMALL DONATION.
IF NOT, THEN PERHAPS YOU COULD
JUST GIVE ME SOME HONEST CRITICISM.
WELL, YOU CAN SING WHAT YOU
WANT, SON, BUT I AIN'T GIVIN' YOU A DIME.
HERE WE GO.
♪♪
♪♪
♪ JINGLE BELLS JINGLE BELLS ♪ ♪♪
♪ JINGLE ALL THE WAY ♪
♪ OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO CHOKE
A MAN IN HIS HALLWAY, HEY ♪
♪ BASHIN' IN YOUR SKULL
WITH ALUMINUM BASEBALL BAT ♪
♪ SWINGIN' FOR THE STANDS LAUGHIN'
WHILE YOUR BRAINS GO SPLAT ♪
HA HA HA!
♪ JINGLE BELLS JINGLE BELLS ♪
♪ JINGLE ALL THE WAY ♪
♪ THROW YOU DOWN A FLIGHT OF ♪
♪ STAIRS ♪
♪ IF YOU DO NOT PAY ♪♪
DO YOU TAKE CREDIT CARDS,
SON? I CERTAINLY DO, SIR.
IT IS BETTER TO GIVE THAN
RECEIVE. HAVE A GOOD DAY.
GOOD EVENING, FOLKS. COULD I SPREAD A LITTLE
BIT OF HOLIDAY CHEER TO YOUR SEASON...
BY SINGING YOU ONE OF
MY CHRISTMAS CAROLS?
LOOK, PAL, WE DON'T HAVE TIME.
WE'RE ON OUR WAY TO A PARTY.
PLEASE, COULD I JUST
SING ONE, SIR? JUST ONE.
AND IF YOU LIKE IT, THEN I'D
APPRECIATE A SMALL DONATION.
IF NOT, THEN MAYBE I COULD
HAVE SOME HONEST CRITICISM.
- OKAY, GO.
- OKAY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
♪♪
♪♪
♪ JOY TO THE WORLD
ICE POE HAS COME ♪
♪ TO TIE YOU TO HIS CAR ♪
♪ AND DRAG YOU
THROUGH THE SNOW ♪
♪ THEN MAKE YOUR GIRL A HO ♪
♪ AND SELL THAT BITCH ON THE
STREET TO EVERY BROTHER I MEET ♪
♪ THEN STOMP YOUR
BOYFRIEND'S HEAD ♪
♪ UPON THE CONCRETE ♪♪
I'M SORRY, MADAM, I
CANNOT TAKE YOUR PURSE.
BUT I'LL TAKE YOUR DAMN WALLET.
HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS,
SIR. MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU.
♪ FA-LA LA-LA-LA-LA
LA LA-LA LA ♪
GOOD EVENING, SIR.
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU.
I'M HERE TO SPREAD A LITTLE BIT OF HOLIDAY
CHEER BY SINGIN' SOME CHRISTMAS CAROLS.
DO YOU MIND? OH, MAN, NOW
THIS IS A COINCIDENCE, MAN,
'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE SPREADIN' A
LITTLE HOLIDAY CHEER MYSELF.
DO YOU MIND? OH, NOT
AT ALL, SIR. FEEL FREE.
♪♪
'TWAS THE NIGHT
BEFORE CHRISTMAS!
♪♪ AND I JUST LOST MY JOB!
NO FOOD IN MY STOMACH...
SO I DECIDED TO ROB!
THE VICTIM WAS SINGING...
AND CAROLING ALONG.
SO I STUCK MY SLIPPERED SHOE...
UP HIS SANTA CLAUS
PUNK ASS TILL HIS...
WOW. I GUESS THE HOLIDAY DOES
BRING OUT THE BEST IN EVERYBODY.
♪♪
HEY! HOW Y'ALL DOIN'?
IT'S ME, BENITA BUTTRELL.
HONEY, I'M SPENDIN' THE HOLIDAYS HELPIN' COLLECT
MONEY FOR THOSE LESS FORTUNATE THAN MYSELF,
WHICH IS EVERYBODY IN
THIS NEIGHBORHOOD, MM-HMM.
WHILE THESE KNUCKLEHEADS WERE OUT
SHOPPIN' AND SPENDIN' NEXT MONTH'S RENT,
MISS BENITA WAS LEARNIN'
TO BE A TECHNICIAN...
AT DR. FLEISCHER'S SCHOOL
OF BOIL AND WART REMOVAL.
THAT'S RIGHT, HONEY. I'M
GONNA HAVE ME SOMETHIN'.
OH, LOOKEE HERE. HERE COMES
MY NEIGHBOR, MR. HERVEY.
MR. HERVEY, GOT SOMETHIN' FOR
THE KETTLE? SORRY. NO CHANGE.
AW, THAT'S OKAY, MR. HERVEY.
THANK YOU. THANKS ANYWAY.
THANKS FOR NOTHIN'. MM-HMM.
THAT MAN SO CHEAP, HE WOULDN'T
LEAVE A TIP AT A CIRCUMCISION.
BUT I AIN'T ONE TO GOSSIP, SO
YOU AIN'T HEARD THAT FROM ME.
OH, BLESS YOU, MR. SINGER.
YOU SO KIND AND GENEROUS.
YOU ALWAYS GIVIN' IT UP TO
THE WIDOWS AND THE ORPHANS.
RIGHT NOW, HE'S GIVIN' IT UP TO
OLD WIDOW JOHNSON. MM-HMM.
THAT MAN SEE MORE
TAIL THAN A VETERINARIAN.
LOOK AT THIS. CYNTHIA WILLIAMS.
THANK YOU, GIRL. HOMEGIRL,
YOU AS PRETTY AS A PICTURE.
AND DUMB AS A POST. MM-HMM.
THAT GIRL SO STUPID, SHE NEARLY
STRANGLED HERSELF WITH A CORDLESS PHONE.
AND SUCH AN IDIOT... IF YOU GAVE
HER A PENNY FOR HER THOUGHTS,
YOU'D HAVE CHANGE COMIN' BACK.
ONCE, SHE GOT LOST IN THOUGHT, AND THEY
HAD TO SEND A SEARCH PARTY TO GET HER OUT.
BUT I AIN'T ONE TO GOSSIP, SO
YOU AIN'T HEARD THAT FROM ME.
BOO BOO!
BOO-BOO-BOO-BOO-BOO! BOO
BOO STARKER! HOW YOU DOIN'?
YOU THE BUSIEST MAN
IN TOWN. ALWAYS MOVIN'.
ALWAYS MOVIN' HIS
BOWELS, THAT IS. MM-HMM.
THAT'S 'CAUSE OF THAT
NEW FIBER DIET HE'S ON.
THE MAN EAT SO MUCH OAT BRAN,
HE ONCE PASSED A WICKER CHAIR.
DOES MORE WIPIN' THAN A
SQUEEGEE AT A TRUCK STOP.
OH, IF IT AIN'T NEECIE ANDERSON
AND HER TWO LITTLE KIDS.
OH, LOOK AT THEM. THEY LOOK
JUST LIKE SANTA'S HELPERS.
MORE LIKE SATAN'S HELPERS.
THEM KIDS SO BAD, EVEN
CHUCKY WON'T PLAY WITH 'EM.
BUT I AIN'T ONE TO GOSSIP, SO
YOU AIN'T HEARD THAT FROM ME.
EXCUSE ME, MISS. I DON'T
MEAN TO BOTHER YOU,
BUT DID YOU SEE A LADY IN A
TRENCH COAT COME THROUGH HERE?
NO. IS THERE A PROBLEM, SIR? SHE'S BEEN
EXPOSIN' HERSELF AT THE HARDWARE DEPARTMENT.
SHE'S DONE IT BEFORE. SHE'S
A LITTLE CRAZY IN THE HEAD.
HER NAME IS, UH... UH, JENKINS?
NO! YOU... OOH! OOH! NO, UH-UH.
NO, DON'T YOU SAY NOTHIN'
BAD ABOUT MISS JENKINS, HONEY!
DON'T YOU SAY NOTHIN'
BAD ABOUT MISS JENKINS.
SHE'S A FINE LADY. FINE LADY.
HONEY, I LOVES ME SOME MISS JENKINS.
SHE'S A PILLAR IN THIS
COMMUNITY. WE ALL LOOK UP TO HER.
DON'T YOU SAY NOTHIN' BAD
ABOUT MISS JENKINS, HONEY.
BUT JUST DON'T GET TOO CLOSE.
THAT WOMAN'S DRAWERS SO FUNKY, SHE
USES AN ODOR-EATER AS A PANTY SHIELD.
BUT I AIN'T ONE TO GOSSIP, SO
YOU AIN'T HEARD THAT FROM ME.
NOW, Y'ALL LISTEN TO MISS
BENITA AND HAVE A NICE HOLIDAY.
♪ THERE WAS A FARMER HAD A
DOG AND BINGO WAS HIS NAME-O ♪
IT'S MO TELL RECORDING ARTISTS
CEPHUS AND REESIE MERRIWEATHER...
IN THEIR MOST
AMBITIOUS PROJECT YET...
CEPHUS AND REESIE'S
SING TUNES FOR TOTS.
B-I-N-G-O B-I-N-G-O ♪
♪ B-I-N-G-O ♪
♪ AND BINGO WAS HIS NAME-O ♪♪
NOW WAIT A MINUTE, CEPHIE.
WHY DID THE FARMER
NAME HIS DOG BINGO?
'CAUSE HE COULDN'T
SPELL "DOMINO"?
WHY, COULDN'T HE
SPELL "MONOPOLO"?
NUH-UH-UH. BUT HE COULD SPELL
"LOTTO." OOH! I'M-A BUY ME A TV!
♪ L-O-T-T-O L-O-T-T-O ♪
♪ L-O-T-T-O ♪
♪ AND LOTTO WAS HIS NAME-O ♪♪
♪ HUSH... HERE WE
GO... LITTLE BABY ♪ ♪♪
♪ DON'T YOU CRY ♪
♪ OH, I CRY ♪
TAKE IT, REESIE!
♪ YOU WILL SEE ♪
SAY WHAT? ♪ I'M GONNA BUY
YOU A SCOO-OO-OO-TER PIE ♪
HERE I GO! ♪
TWINKIES AND HO HOS ♪
♪ DING DONGS TOO ♪♪
NOW WAIT A MINUTE, CEPHIE!
NOW, YOU KNOW FULL WELL ALL THAT
SUGAR IS TOO MUCH FOR YOUR CAVITIES.
IT SURE 'NOUGH IS, 'CAUSE IT AIN'T
AS SWEET AS MY REESIE'S PIECES.
GIVE ME SOME!
ALSO ENJOY THEIR RENDITION OF
SATURDAY MORNING CARTOON THEME SONGS.
♪ SCOOBY DOOBY
DOO WHERE ARE YOU ♪
♪ REESIE LOOKIN' FOR YOU NOW ♪♪
SAY, REESIE, WHERE YOU
SUPPOSE SCOOBY'S AT?
I DON'T KNOW, CEPHIE. DO YOU
THINK HE COULD BE IN BEDROCK?
♪♪ OH-OH.
♪ FLINTSTONES MEET
THE FLINTSTONES ♪
♪ HAVE A YABBA DABBA DOO TIME ♪
♪ A SCOOBY DOO TIME ♪
♪ A TOODLY DOO TIME ♪
♪ A TOODLY DOO TIME ♪
♪ WE MAKIN' OVERTIME ♪
♪ IN DAYLIGHT SAVIN'S TIME ♪
♪ WE WATCHIN' GOOD TIMES ♪
♪ WE'LL HAVE A GAY OLD ♪
♪ YABBA DABBA DOO
TIME ♪ GET ON DOWN.
♪ A SCOOBY DOO TIME ♪
HERE WE GO!
♪ A DIPPITY-DO TIME
A 2 LIVE CREW TIME ♪
♪ WE MAKIN' OVERTIME... ♪
SEND 9.95 TO CEPHUS AND
REESIE'S SING TUNES FOR TOTS,
MO TELL RECORDS, P.O. BOX ABC,
CHITLIN SWITCH, MISSISSIPPI, 90210.
WE'LL HAVE A GAY OLD ♪
♪ TIME ♪♪
OH. YOU ALL RIGHT, BABY?
♪♪
IT'S TIME TO ASK
THE QUESTION: WHY?
HELLO. I'M CHELSEA DREAM
OF EYEWITNESS NEWS...
BRINGING YOU A LIVE REPORT
FROM THE SCENE OF A CRIME.
CAN ANYONE TELL
ME WHAT THEY KNOW?
I'M THE INVESTIGATING OFFICER. I
WAS THE FIRST ONE ON THE SCENE.
I CAN TELL YOU WHAT WE
HAVE ASSESSED THUS FAR.
I'M AN EXPERT CRIMINOLOGIST
WITH A DOCTORATE IN PSYCHOLOGY,
AND I CAN ASSESS
THE SITUATION HERE.
YEAH, BUT CHECK THIS. I
SEEN THE WHOLE THING, RIGHT?
I SEEN THE WHOLE THING. I
CAN TELL YOU WHAT WENT DOWN.
GOOD.
STOP!
WHY DO REPORTERS ALWAYS
CHOOSE THE MOST UNINTELLIGENT,
UNINFORMED BLACK EYEWITNESS?
WHY?
IT WAS DEFINITELY
SOME PEOPLE THAT DID IT.
I WAS JUST ABOUT TO
GET BUSY WITH MY LADY.
'CAUSE SHE WAS NAKED,
AND I WAS BUTT-NAKED.
THEN I HEARD SOMEONE...
I HEARD SOMEBODY SAY,
"YO! YO, BITCH, GET
UP OFF ME," RIGHT?
THEN, PEEP THIS... IS THIS
GONNA BE ON THE NEWS?
HEY, WHAT'S UP? DENISE, TELL
MAMA TO LOOK AT THE NEWS.
HI, MAMA.
WHY?
OH, HEY. MR. MAC, HOW YOU DOIN'?
ARE YOU SURE YOU KNOW
HOW TO HANDLE KIDS? OH, HEY!
YOU'RE TALKIN' TO AL "MERRY
CHRISTMAS" MACAFEE HERE.
YOU KNOW, I TEACH THE
HIGH SCHOOL SHOP CLASS.
IF I CAN KEEP THOSE FUTURE CONVICTS FROM
GOOSIN' EACH OTHER WITH A DAMN NAIL GUN,
I CAN KEEP THESE
LITTLE RUG RATS IN LINE.
GOOD. GO TO IT.
OKAY, HERE WE GO.
♪♪
ALL RIGHT, KIDS! TEN-HUT!
YOU'RE AT THE NORTH POLE, AND SANTA
DOESN'T STAND FOR ANY HORSEPLAY.
SO LET'S GET OUR CHRISTMAS
LISTS IN ORDER AND STEP RIGHT UP.
OH! AND, OH, YEAH, BY
THE WAY, HO, HO, HO.
HI, SANTA. HI THERE, SON.
WHAT YOU GOT IN YOUR MOUTH?
GUM. OH, DID WE BRING
ENOUGH FOR EVERYBODY?
THEN GET RID OF IT.
COME ON, RIGHT HERE.
COME ON, SON. OH,
WISE GUY, ARE YOU?
NOW, UH, WHAT DID YOU WANT
SANTA TO BRING YOU FOR CHRISTMAS?
I WANT A DIRT BIKE, SUPER
NINTENDO, A COMPUTER...
A BRAND-NEW HOUSE TOO?
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.
WHAT DOES YOUR FATHER DO
FOR A LIVING, SON? HE'S A JANITOR.
I THINK, THIS YEAR, SANTA'S GONNA BE
BRINGING YOU A LITTLE DOSE OF REALITY.
HOW'S A PUSH BROOM AND A PAIL
FULL OF DUST? NOW GET OUT OF HERE.
COME ON, COME ON.
OUCH.
SANTA, YOUR LAP'S HURTING
ME. YEAH, SORRY, KID.
SANTA CAUGHT SOME HOT SHRAPNEL
WHEN HE WAS FLYIN' HIS MAGIC SLEIGH...
ON A BOMBING RUN OVER
CAMBODIA BACK IN '72.
THIS HIP'S MADE
OUT OF SOLID STEEL.
YOU HAVE ACTIVATED OUR
INVENTORY CONTROL SYSTEM.
PLEASE STEP BACK AND TRY AGAIN.
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO
RUN OFF WITH THERE, SON?
NOTHIN'. A PAIR OF SHOES. WHY?
IT AIN'T NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
LET'S JUST SAY SANTA
IS MAKIN' IT HIS BUSINESS.
YOU GOT A RECEIPT, WISE
GUY? HERE. RIGHT HERE.
OKAY, YOU GOT A RECEIPT FOR THAT, BUT YOU
GOT A RECEIPT FOR THIS SHIRT YOU'RE WEARIN'?
THIS SHIRT? THIS IS
MINE. I WORE IT HERE.
OH, YEAH. I THINK IT'S TIME YOU
HEARD SANTA'S SPEECH ON SHOPLIFTING.
NO TICKEE, NO SHIRTEE!
YOU AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT
A FLATFOOT MANIAC!
COME AT ME, SON. COME
AT ME. YEAH, CHICKEN.
THAT'S WHAT... HEY. WATCH
IT. I'LL KICK YOUR TEETH IN.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, SANTA. OH.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, UH, TO YOU.
LOOKS LIKE YOU
DON'T HAVE A CHIMNEY,
SO SANTA'S GONNA
HAVE TO USE A DOORBELL.
DING DONG!
MACAFEE! I KNEW
IT. OH, RUTHIE...
I MEAN, MISS TOMPKINS.
AT YOUR SERVICE.
SO, WHAT YOU GOT IN THE BAG
THERE? NONE OF YOUR BUSI...
OH, I GOT YA.
WELL, LOOKEE HERE, LOOKEE HERE.
LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY'S
GOIN' TO A LITTLE HOLIDAY ORGY.
MIND IF OLD ST. MAC TAG ALONG?
IT'S A TEDDY, OKAY, SOMETHIN'
YOU'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE.
OH, I-I CAN JUST SEE IT NOW.
OH, YEAH. OH, GOD.
OH, YEAH.
YOU'RE WEARIN' THIS FLIMSY
LITTLE PIECE OF NOTHIN'...
ON THAT TAUT, TAWNY,
CHOCOLATE-BROWN BODY OF YOURS...
"WREATHING," WIGGLING,
"MAC-MAC-MACAFEE!" OH, YEAH.
SO WHAT DO YOU SAY, BABE? SANTA WANTS
TO FIND OUT IF YOU'VE BEEN NAUGHTY OR NICE.
HEY! COME ON!
I'D RATHER PASS A
FLAMING YULE LOG. IDIOT!
I SEE YOU'RE STILL WORKIN'
OUT, RUTHIE. OH, SHE WANTS ME.
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, KRINGLE? YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO BE OVER HERE IN SANTA'S VILLAGE.
LOOK. THE DAMN
KIDS HAVE DONE LEFT.
IF THIS STORE'S SECURITY
WAS WHAT IT SHOULD BE,
SANTA WOULDN'T HAVE
TO LEAVE HIS POST.
YOU KNOW WHAT? IF YOU
DON'T GET BACK TO YOUR POST,
THE NEXT LINE YOU'RE GONNA
BE IN IS THE UNEMPLOYMENT LINE.
WEREN'T YOU A STUDENT OF MINE?
I FAILED YOU, DIDN'T I, BOY?
SANTA?
YOU MAY NOT BE A VERY
GOOD SANTA, BUT I LOVE YOU.
AW, THAT'S... YOU
KNOW, I TELL YOU,
WHEN YOU, UH, SEE THE HAPPINESS
ON THE FACE OF LITTLE KIDDIES LIKE THIS,
IT MAKES THE WHOLE
GIG WORTHWHILE.
COME ON, SON. MERRY CHRISTMAS.
HI. I WANNA SAY FELIZ NAVIDAD
TO MY FAMILY IN NEW YORK CITY.
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, MOM AND
DAD, GRANDMA AND GRANDPA,
FAMILY AND
FRIENDS... I LOVE YOU.
UM... MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL
MY FAMILY BACK IN JERSEY.
AND, HEY, REDSHAW SCHOOL IN
NEW BRUNSWICK, NEW JERSEY.
AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JOSSIE.
SHE'S A NEW YEAR'S BABY. THANK YOU.
AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY
SISTER. SHE'S A CHRISTMAS BABY.
JESSICA, I LOVE YOU.
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO MY FAMILY
AND FRIENDS, JANET AND RENEE.
AND I WANT TO WISH A MERRY,
MERRY, MERRY CHRISTMAS...
TO THOSE WHO AREN'T
AS FORTUNATE AS WE ARE.
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND GOD BLESS.
HI, GRANDMA.
I'D LIKE TO WISH A MERRY CHRISTMAS
TO ALL THE SPINELESS LITTLE WEAKLINGS...
I HAD TO CRUSH TO
GET WHERE I AM TODAY.
NOW WE HAVE A SPECIAL
CHRISTMAS GIFT FOR YOU.
♪♪
♪ MM-HMM ♪
♪ HANG ALL THE MISTLETOE ♪
♪ I'M GONNA GET TO
KNOW YOU BETTER ♪
♪ THIS CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ AND AS WE TRIM THE TREE ♪
♪ HOW MUCH FUN IT'S
GONNA BE TOGETHER ♪
♪ THIS CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ THE FIRESIDE
IS BLAZIN' BRIGHT ♪
♪ OOH, YEAH AND WE'RE CAROLING ♪
♪ THROUGH THE NIGHT ♪
♪ AND THIS CHRISTMAS WILL BE ♪
♪ A VERY SPECIAL CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ FOR ME ♪
♪ YEAH, OH, YEAH ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH, YEAH ♪
♪ FLY GIRLS, FLY
GIRLS FLY GIRLS ♪
♪ PRESENTS AND CARDS ARE HERE ♪
♪ MY WORLD IS FILLED
WITH CHEER AND YOU ♪
♪ THIS CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
TWINKLE ALL AROUND ♪
♪ BUT YOUR EYES OUTSHINE
THE STARS THIS YEAR ♪
♪ OH, HEY, WORD UP ♪
♪ THE FIRESIDE
IS BLAZIN' BRIGHT ♪
♪ WE'RE CAROLING, I'M
ROCKIN' YOUR WORLD TONIGHT ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH AND
THIS CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ WE'LL BE HERE ♪
♪ A VERY SPECIAL
CHRISTMAS FROM ME... ♪
AND THIS CHRISTMAS.
♪ AND THIS CHRISTMAS
YOU'LL DISCOVER ♪
♪ A VERY SPECIAL CHRISTMAS
FROM IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ MERRY CHRISTMAS, GRANDMA ♪
♪ HEY, HEY, HEY ♪♪
THANK YOU. GOOD NIGHT.
WHOO! MERRY CHRISTMAS!