In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 4, Episode 10 - Gays in the Military - full transcript
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP AND
SIP ON A DREAM ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE ON A
FUNKY SCENE ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO, GO ♪♪
OOH, LORD, I AM SO
PROUD OF MY BABY...
STARRING IN HER FIRST
HOLLYWOOD COMMERCIAL.
LOOK, MAMA, A REAL
LIVE SOUND STAGE.
I FINALLY MADE
IT TO THE BIG TIME.
AND MAMA, NOW
THAT I'M A BIG STAR,
WE DON'T HAVE TO PUT SPAM IN
OUR HAMBURGER HELPER ANYMORE.
UH, LIL' MAGIC... AND WE CAN BUY ALL
NEW PEST STRIPS FOR THE BEDROOM,
UH, LIL' MAGIC... AND WE CAN GET THE CORNS
SCRAPED OFF ALL TWELVE OF YOUR TOES.
OH, HUSH UP! SORRY, MAMA.
OH, THAT'S MY BABY.
NOW, COME ON, LIL' MAGIC.
YOU STILL GOTTA PRACTICE YOUR
TECHNIQUE, LIKE I TAUGHT YOU.
OKAY, MAMA. NOW COME ON,
MAKE LOVE TO THE CAMERA, BABY.
ALL RIGHT, SHOW ME HAPPY.
UH-HUH. SHOW ME SAD.
THOUGHTFUL.
GIVE ME PASSION.
ALL RIGHT, NOW, GIRL, LIMBER
UP AND DO SOME OF THEM...
BALLET "PERRIER" TURNS
MAMA TAUGHT YOU. OKAY, MAMA.
OH, LORD, GIRL. YOU
ALMOST GOT MY BREAST.
HI THERE. HOW YOU DOIN'?
YOU LIL' MAGIC? HI! I'M LIL' MAGIC.
MISS SMILE BRIGHT, 1987.
OKAY, THAT'S GREAT. LOOK, I'M THE
DIRECTOR, AND THESE ARE THE LITTLE GIRLS...
OH! Y'ALL THE LITTLE BACKGROUND
ACTORS, HUH? AIN'T THAT CUTE?
YOU KNOW, ONE DAY MAYBE YOU
GONNA BE A BIG STAR LIKE MY LIL' MAGIC.
'COURSE, LIL' MAGIC,
SHE DIDN'T NEED TO GET...
ON NO CASTING COUCH
TO GET HER PART.
- NOT ANYMORE.
- THAT'S RIGHT, 'CAUSE
MY LIL' MAGIC...
PUT THE "I" IN ENTERTAINMENT.
SHE DO IT ALL. SHE
PLAY AN INSTRUMENT.
BABY, GO ON AND PLAY
YOUR HOT TAMALE BOX, MAGIC.
OKAY, MAMA. OH, YOU
GONNA LOVE THIS. WHOA!
SHE'S A CONTORTIONIST TOO.
BABY, CONTORT YOURSELF.
NOW KISS YOUR OWN BEHIND.
WELL, SHE AIN'T WARMED UP YET.
OH, SHE A LION TAMER.
SHE BITES THE HEADS
OFF OF CHICKENS.
THAT'S... THAT'S DIFFERENT.
THAT'S DIFFERENT.
BUT WE NEED TO GET STARTED, SO IF
EVERYBODY WOULD GET IN THEIR PLACES...
NOW, MAGIC, I WANT YOU
TO STAND RIGHT HERE.
UP FRONT? NO. NO,
NOT UP FRONT TODAY.
NO, YOU STAND RIGHT HERE, OKAY?
AND WE'RE GONNA PUT THIS
RIGHT THERE. THERE WE ARE.
MAGIC, YOU'RE SET. OKAY.
OH, NOW SEE? I TOLD YOU, MAGIC.
YOU'RE RIGHT WHERE I TOLD YOU.
YOU BELONG IN THE FRONT,
AT THE CENTER OF ATTENTION.
HERE, JUST LET ME SPRUCE HER UP.
HOLD STILL.
GET YOUR BABY HAIR
AGAIN. COME ON, BLOW, GIRL.
ALL RIGHT NOW.
OKAY, QUIET PLEASE. NOW
ROLL SOUND AND ROLL CAMERA.
TIMEFLEX WATCHES
FOR KIDS COMMERCIAL...
DAMN, YOU'RE AN
UGLY KID. TAKE ONE.
- AND ACTION.
- I GOT A TIMEFLEX WATCH WITH
A CUTE LITTLE BUNNY ON IT.
I GOT A TIMEFLEX WATCH...
WITH AN ADORABLE LITTLE
PUSSYCAT ON IT, JUST LIKE ME.
BUT THE BEST PART ABOUT
TIMEFLEX WATCHES FOR KIDS IS...
THEY CAN TAKE A BIG OLD
WHIPPIN' WITHOUT EVER CHIPPIN'.
SEE? CUT!
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL. THAT'S A WRAP.
OH, MAGIC, YOU WERE
"FANTABULOUS." HOW YOU FEELIN', BABY?
OH, YOU WERE WONDERFUL. MAMA'S
PROUD OF YOU. PAYROLL, EVERYBODY.
OH! OH! ONE.
OOH, MAMA! MY VERY
FIRST PAYCHECK.
NOW WE CAN BUY KNOBS
FOR THE TV. UH, LIL' MAGIC...
AND NOW YOU CAN FINALLY GET...
THAT IMPLANT FOR YOUR
OTHER BREAST. UH, LIL' MAGIC...
AND-AND YOU CAN BUY SOME MORE
SCOTCH TAPE FOR YOUR LEE PRESS-ON NAILS.
AND-AND, UH... AND WHAT, LIL'
MAGIC? SPIT IT OUT, SWEETIE.
MAMA, CAN WE BUY SOME ASPIRIN?
I THINK I "BROKED-ED"
MY SKULL. AGAIN?
NO, BABY, WE AIN'T
GOT TIME, LIL' MAGIC.
WE GOT TO GET TO THAT AUDITION FOR
THE SAVE THE CHILDREN COMMERCIAL.
NOW, COME ON. STICK YOUR STOMACH
OUT AND MAKE THEM SAD EYES.
YOU AIN'T EAT NO
BREAKFAST, DID YOU? MM-MM.
NOW, COME ON. LET'S GO.
♪♪
♪♪
YOU'RE WATCHING
WIN WITH YOUR SKIN,
STARRING DIONNE WARWICK.
BROUGHT TO YOU
BY EDWIN O. FAY...
THE ULTIMATE SKIN-CARE
SYSTEM FOR ALL PEOPLE OF COLOR.
AND NOW, INTERNATIONAL
RECORDING STAR, HUMANITARIAN...
AND PHILIP MICHAEL
THOMAS'S LOVE SLAVE,
MS. DIONNE WARWICK.
DO YOU HAVE PROBLEMS
WITH YOUR SKIN?
DO Y'ALL BLEMISHES FLARE
UP AS BIG AS MY NOSTRILS?
IS YOUR ACNE SO BAD THAT
EDWARD JAMES OLMOS...
WOULD LOOK AT YOUR FACE AND
SAY, "DAMN, YOUR SKIN IS JACKED UP."
WELL, LET ME TELL
YOU ABOUT A PRODUCT...
THAT MIRACULOUSLY CLEARS AWAY
THE UNWANTED SKIN PROBLEMS...
THAT HAVE PLAGUED
BLACK PEOPLE FOR YEARS.
WITH THE EDWIN O.
FAY SKIN-CARE SYSTEM,
NOT ONLY CAN YOU
HAVE EVEN SKIN TONE,
BUT YOU CAN BE ON YOUR
WAY TO A RICHER LIFE.
YOU'LL RECEIVE THAT PROMOTION
AT WORK YOU SO BLATANTLY DESERVE,
AND BE SEATED AT THE BEST
TABLES IN THE BEST RESTAURANTS.
LET ME SHOW YOU ALL ABOUT
THE WONDERFUL SKIN-CARE SYSTEM.
FIRST,
GENEROUSLY APPLY THE VELVETY
SMOOTH EDWIN O. FAY CREAM...
WITH ITS SECRET
HERBAL INGREDIENTS.
BOY, THAT'S... THAT'S
PRETTY STRONG.
THAT'S RIGHT,
AND IT WORKS ON
SOILED LAUNDRY TOO.
THEN, THE NEXT STEP IS EDWIN'S
GENTLE BUT ABRASIVE FACIAL PEEL.
OW. OW.
AND THANKS TO OUR
HIGH-TECH COMPUTER SYSTEM,
WE CAN GENERATE A PROJECTION
OF WHAT OUR CLIENT WILL LOOK LIKE...
AFTER THE ENTIRE
EDWIN O. FAY TREATMENT.
HERE'S OUR CLIENT
AFTER ONLY TWO WEEKS,
AND AS YOU CAN SEE,
THERE IS ALREADY PROGRESS.
NOW HERE SHE IS
AFTER FOUR WEEKS.
WOW! SHE IS REALLY
STARTING TO FADE.
AND IN SIX WEEKS,
LOOK... A BRAND-NEW YOU.
WHAT A DIFFERENCE!
NOW, ISN'T THAT BETTER?
BLEMISH FREE, AND
THE BEST PART OF ALL,
PIGMENT FREE.
LET'S HEAR FROM SOME OF OUR
SATISFIED O. FAY CUSTOMERS.
LIKE MY FELLOW NUBIAN BROTHERS,
I TOO HAD RAZOR BUMPS.
NOW, NOT ONLY IS THEY GONE,
BUT I DROVE OVER 3,000
MILES TO GET HERE...
AND NOT ONCE DID I GET PULLED
OVER BY THE BOYS IN BLUE...
AND ASKED TO
ASSUME THE POSITION.
THANKS, EDWIN. PEACE!
BEFORE I STARTED
USING THE SYSTEM,
I COULDN'T GET NO
PLAY FROM A BROTHER.
WELL, NOW LOOK AT ME.
THANK YOU, EDWIN!
AND YOU WILL THANK HIM TOO,
BECAUSE WITH EDWIN'S NEW,
IMPROVED, FAST-ACTING SKIN-PEEL SYSTEM,
YOU'LL SAY,
"GOOD-BYE, HARD TIMES,"
AND HELLO TO THE ADVANTAGES
YOU HAVE ALWAYS DREAMED OF.
EDWIN O. FAY.
WE SAY IT'S FOR THE BLEMISHES,
BUT IT'S REALLY TO PASS.
EDWIN O. FAY SKIN CARE SYSTEM...
IF YOU INSIST ON USING IT,
KNOW WHEN THE HELL TO QUIT.
HEY, HOW DO I LOOK?
HEY, I SAID, HOW DO I LOOK?
♪ MONEY GONNA GET
ME SOME HONEYS ♪
♪ GONNA GET ME SOME HOLLER ♪
♪ WHAT ♪
♪ YEAH, OOH, OOH ♪
♪ GONNA GET ME SOME GET ME SOME
CRAZY ♪ ♪ WHAT ELSE, WHAT ELSE ♪
♪ GONNA GET ME SOME LADIES ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GONNA GET ME SOME PARTY ♪
♪ CHILL OUT ♪
♪ YEAH, OOH, OOH
GONNA GET ME SOME ♪
♪ GONNA TAKE AT MY NOOK
OF THE NECK OF THE WOODS ♪
♪ IT'S ALL GOOD UNDERSTOOD ♪
♪ BUT I'M ABOVE THE BATTLE
SOME OF Y'ALL STUPID THOUGH ♪
♪ I AIN'T LYIN', HONEYS CRYIN'
TRYIN' TO DO VOODOO AT THE SHOW ♪
♪ MONEY GONNA GET ME
SOME HONEYS ♪ ♪ WHAT ♪
♪ AW, YEAH ♪
♪ GONNA GET ME SOME HOLLER ♪
♪ YEAH, OOH, OOH ♪
♪ GONNA GET ME SOME GET
ME SOME CRAZY ♪ ♪ CHECK IT ♪
♪ GONNA GET ME SOME LADY ♪
♪ THAT'S RIGHT ♪
♪ GONNA GET ME SOME PARTY ♪
♪ ALL NIGHT ♪♪
AHH!
AT LAST, I HAVE FOUND MY PREY.
GARY COLEMAN, YOU BETTER STOP.
STOP, GARY.
OOH, IT'S COLD IN HERE.
I'M FEELIN' GOOSE NIPPILY.
BY THE DEPTHS OF HADES,
WHAT IS THAT SMELL?
DOG, I GOTTA QUIT
EATING THEM PIGS' FEET.
MY GAS IS KICKING UP.
I WILL TAKE YOU AWAY
FROM ALL OF THIS, MY LOVE.
OH, MY GOD.
IT'S A MAN IN MY "BOO-DOOR."
AND I FEEL VULNERABLE, AND
I'M ALMOST NAKED UP IN HERE.
FEAR NOT, MY LOVE.
I HAVE CROSSED OCEANS
OF TIME TO BE WITH YOU.
YOU SO CRAZY. YOU
COULD HAVE JUST CALLED.
I WANT YOU TO BE
MINE FOR ALL ETERNITY.
LISTEN, YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE GETTING INTO,
'CAUSE I'M TELLING YOU,
I'M JUST LIKE A VIRUS...
ONCE I GET IN YOUR SYSTEM,
IT'S HARD TO GET ME OUT.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. UH-UH.
I DON'T WANT YOU
TO SEE ME LIKE THIS.
I JUST WOKE UP. LET
ME PUT MY FACE ON.
TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE.
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PUT
ON APPEARANCES FOR ME.
I WANT TO TAKE YOU AS YOU ARE.
LOOK, YOU CAN HAVE ME NOW AND
HAVE A HAMBURGER, BUT IF YOU WAIT,
YOU CAN HAVE A QUARTER
POUNDER WITH CHEESE.
I WANT TO SHOW YOU THINGS
THAT YOU'VE NEVER SEEN.
HEY, WORD UP, AND I'M GONNA SHOW YOU
THINGS THAT SCIENTISTS AIN'T EVEN SEEN.
YOU MUST HURRY.
DAYLIGHT WILL BE UPON US SOON,
AND I AM A CREATURE
OF THE NIGHT.
HEY, HOLD ON A MINUTE,
'CAUSE I'M A FREAK
24 HOURS A DAY.
GIVE YOURSELF TO ME
BY THE CRACK OF DAWN,
AND WE SHALL RULE
THE UNDERWORLD.
I MUST DRINK OF YOUR ESSENCE.
HEY, WORD UP.
THEN GRAB A STRAW, 'CAUSE
YOU'RE GONNA DRINK IT UP.
CLAP ON.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
BY THE BEARD OF SATAN,
IT'S BEELZEBUB HIMSELF.
- CLAP OFF.
- WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU SAID YOU HAD CROSSED THE
SEAS AND ALL THAT KIND OF STUFF.
- CLAP ON.
- I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS GOING
TO FIND LAND HO.
CLAP OFF. WAIT A MINUTE.
WHO YOU CALLING A HO? CLAP ON.
I DON'T NEED NO EDDIE
MUNSTER-LOOKING, WITH-THE-WIDOW-PEAK,
FAKE-WEARING,
FUNKY-BREATH-BREATHING,
COMING-IN-THROUGH-MY-WINDOW-
WHEN-YOU-WASN'T-EVEN-INVITED,
WITH-THEM-WEARING-THEM-
TIRED-OLD-CLOTHES,
LOOKING-LIKE-PEE-WEE HERMAN-
LIKE-HE-WAS-ON-CRACK WHITE BOY...
TELLING ME THAT I
DON'T LOOK GOOD.
OKAY?
YOU ARE RIGHT.
I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.
HEY, WHERE YOU GOING?
DON'T BE ASHAMED JUST
'CAUSE YOU'RE A WHITE BOY.
I MEAN, I DON'T MIND HAVING
A LITTLE CREAM IN MY COFFEE.
AND I MEAN, NO.
AND IF YOU ACT RIGHT,
I'LL DO YOU LIKE THE BEAN...
YOU KNOW WHAT I'LL
DO? GRIND IT UP, HEY.
UGH! UGH! GRIND IT! GRIND!
AND I THOUGHT THE
CRUCIFIX WAS REPULSIVE. UGH!
LOOK, YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND. I AM A VAMPIRE.
I HAVE TO HAVE BLOOD.
OH, OKAY, THEN.
WHAT KIND OF BLOOD DO YOU NEED?
I GOT "A" NEGATIVE OR "O" POSITIVE.
I GOT YOU. BUT YOU ALSO
HAVE MIRRORS. I HATE MIRRORS.
YOU AIN'T GOT TO
WORRY ABOUT THAT. LOOK.
MIRROR, MIRROR, ON THE WALL...
THERE YOU GO.
OH, MY GOSH. LOOK AT THE TIME.
I HAVE TO GO SLEEP IN MY COFFIN.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO
NOWHERE. I TOLD YOU, I GOT YOU.
NOW LET ME ROCK YOUR UNDERWORLD.
WHAT YOU DO... UH-UH.
NO, UH-UH.
ALL RIGHT, DON'T YOU
KNOW YOU A FREAK?
FILET MY SOUL, FILET MY SOUL.
I GIVE UP.
YOU WIN, BUT I HAVE TO DO
IT WITH THE WINDOW OPEN.
I LOVE IT IN THE SUNLIGHT.
OKAY THEN. LET THE WORLD SEE.
FREE AT LAST. FREE AT LAST.
DOG. I GUESS I WAS
JUST TOO MUCH FOR HIM.
HE GOT HOT AND JUST BURNED UP.
CHARLEESA?
GIRL, YEAH, I DONE BURNED
ANOTHER ONE UP, GIRL.
I TOLD YOU, I BE ROCKING
WORLDS ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.
FOR REAL NOW.
ALL RIGHT. THANKS FOR WATCHING.
GOOD NIGHT, GRANDMA.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
I LOVE YOU, GRANNY.
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP AND
SIP ON A DREAM ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE ON A
FUNKY SCENE ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO, GO ♪♪
OOH, LORD, I AM SO
PROUD OF MY BABY...
STARRING IN HER FIRST
HOLLYWOOD COMMERCIAL.
LOOK, MAMA, A REAL
LIVE SOUND STAGE.
I FINALLY MADE
IT TO THE BIG TIME.
AND MAMA, NOW
THAT I'M A BIG STAR,
WE DON'T HAVE TO PUT SPAM IN
OUR HAMBURGER HELPER ANYMORE.
UH, LIL' MAGIC... AND WE CAN BUY ALL
NEW PEST STRIPS FOR THE BEDROOM,
UH, LIL' MAGIC... AND WE CAN GET THE CORNS
SCRAPED OFF ALL TWELVE OF YOUR TOES.
OH, HUSH UP! SORRY, MAMA.
OH, THAT'S MY BABY.
NOW, COME ON, LIL' MAGIC.
YOU STILL GOTTA PRACTICE YOUR
TECHNIQUE, LIKE I TAUGHT YOU.
OKAY, MAMA. NOW COME ON,
MAKE LOVE TO THE CAMERA, BABY.
ALL RIGHT, SHOW ME HAPPY.
UH-HUH. SHOW ME SAD.
THOUGHTFUL.
GIVE ME PASSION.
ALL RIGHT, NOW, GIRL, LIMBER
UP AND DO SOME OF THEM...
BALLET "PERRIER" TURNS
MAMA TAUGHT YOU. OKAY, MAMA.
OH, LORD, GIRL. YOU
ALMOST GOT MY BREAST.
HI THERE. HOW YOU DOIN'?
YOU LIL' MAGIC? HI! I'M LIL' MAGIC.
MISS SMILE BRIGHT, 1987.
OKAY, THAT'S GREAT. LOOK, I'M THE
DIRECTOR, AND THESE ARE THE LITTLE GIRLS...
OH! Y'ALL THE LITTLE BACKGROUND
ACTORS, HUH? AIN'T THAT CUTE?
YOU KNOW, ONE DAY MAYBE YOU
GONNA BE A BIG STAR LIKE MY LIL' MAGIC.
'COURSE, LIL' MAGIC,
SHE DIDN'T NEED TO GET...
ON NO CASTING COUCH
TO GET HER PART.
- NOT ANYMORE.
- THAT'S RIGHT, 'CAUSE
MY LIL' MAGIC...
PUT THE "I" IN ENTERTAINMENT.
SHE DO IT ALL. SHE
PLAY AN INSTRUMENT.
BABY, GO ON AND PLAY
YOUR HOT TAMALE BOX, MAGIC.
OKAY, MAMA. OH, YOU
GONNA LOVE THIS. WHOA!
SHE'S A CONTORTIONIST TOO.
BABY, CONTORT YOURSELF.
NOW KISS YOUR OWN BEHIND.
WELL, SHE AIN'T WARMED UP YET.
OH, SHE A LION TAMER.
SHE BITES THE HEADS
OFF OF CHICKENS.
THAT'S... THAT'S DIFFERENT.
THAT'S DIFFERENT.
BUT WE NEED TO GET STARTED, SO IF
EVERYBODY WOULD GET IN THEIR PLACES...
NOW, MAGIC, I WANT YOU
TO STAND RIGHT HERE.
UP FRONT? NO. NO,
NOT UP FRONT TODAY.
NO, YOU STAND RIGHT HERE, OKAY?
AND WE'RE GONNA PUT THIS
RIGHT THERE. THERE WE ARE.
MAGIC, YOU'RE SET. OKAY.
OH, NOW SEE? I TOLD YOU, MAGIC.
YOU'RE RIGHT WHERE I TOLD YOU.
YOU BELONG IN THE FRONT,
AT THE CENTER OF ATTENTION.
HERE, JUST LET ME SPRUCE HER UP.
HOLD STILL.
GET YOUR BABY HAIR
AGAIN. COME ON, BLOW, GIRL.
ALL RIGHT NOW.
OKAY, QUIET PLEASE. NOW
ROLL SOUND AND ROLL CAMERA.
TIMEFLEX WATCHES
FOR KIDS COMMERCIAL...
DAMN, YOU'RE AN
UGLY KID. TAKE ONE.
- AND ACTION.
- I GOT A TIMEFLEX WATCH WITH
A CUTE LITTLE BUNNY ON IT.
I GOT A TIMEFLEX WATCH...
WITH AN ADORABLE LITTLE
PUSSYCAT ON IT, JUST LIKE ME.
BUT THE BEST PART ABOUT
TIMEFLEX WATCHES FOR KIDS IS...
THEY CAN TAKE A BIG OLD
WHIPPIN' WITHOUT EVER CHIPPIN'.
SEE? CUT!
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL. THAT'S A WRAP.
OH, MAGIC, YOU WERE
"FANTABULOUS." HOW YOU FEELIN', BABY?
OH, YOU WERE WONDERFUL. MAMA'S
PROUD OF YOU. PAYROLL, EVERYBODY.
OH! OH! ONE.
OOH, MAMA! MY VERY
FIRST PAYCHECK.
NOW WE CAN BUY KNOBS
FOR THE TV. UH, LIL' MAGIC...
AND NOW YOU CAN FINALLY GET...
THAT IMPLANT FOR YOUR
OTHER BREAST. UH, LIL' MAGIC...
AND-AND YOU CAN BUY SOME MORE
SCOTCH TAPE FOR YOUR LEE PRESS-ON NAILS.
AND-AND, UH... AND WHAT, LIL'
MAGIC? SPIT IT OUT, SWEETIE.
MAMA, CAN WE BUY SOME ASPIRIN?
I THINK I "BROKED-ED"
MY SKULL. AGAIN?
NO, BABY, WE AIN'T
GOT TIME, LIL' MAGIC.
WE GOT TO GET TO THAT AUDITION FOR
THE SAVE THE CHILDREN COMMERCIAL.
NOW, COME ON. STICK YOUR STOMACH
OUT AND MAKE THEM SAD EYES.
YOU AIN'T EAT NO
BREAKFAST, DID YOU? MM-MM.
NOW, COME ON. LET'S GO.
♪♪
♪♪
YOU'RE WATCHING
WIN WITH YOUR SKIN,
STARRING DIONNE WARWICK.
BROUGHT TO YOU
BY EDWIN O. FAY...
THE ULTIMATE SKIN-CARE
SYSTEM FOR ALL PEOPLE OF COLOR.
AND NOW, INTERNATIONAL
RECORDING STAR, HUMANITARIAN...
AND PHILIP MICHAEL
THOMAS'S LOVE SLAVE,
MS. DIONNE WARWICK.
DO YOU HAVE PROBLEMS
WITH YOUR SKIN?
DO Y'ALL BLEMISHES FLARE
UP AS BIG AS MY NOSTRILS?
IS YOUR ACNE SO BAD THAT
EDWARD JAMES OLMOS...
WOULD LOOK AT YOUR FACE AND
SAY, "DAMN, YOUR SKIN IS JACKED UP."
WELL, LET ME TELL
YOU ABOUT A PRODUCT...
THAT MIRACULOUSLY CLEARS AWAY
THE UNWANTED SKIN PROBLEMS...
THAT HAVE PLAGUED
BLACK PEOPLE FOR YEARS.
WITH THE EDWIN O.
FAY SKIN-CARE SYSTEM,
NOT ONLY CAN YOU
HAVE EVEN SKIN TONE,
BUT YOU CAN BE ON YOUR
WAY TO A RICHER LIFE.
YOU'LL RECEIVE THAT PROMOTION
AT WORK YOU SO BLATANTLY DESERVE,
AND BE SEATED AT THE BEST
TABLES IN THE BEST RESTAURANTS.
LET ME SHOW YOU ALL ABOUT
THE WONDERFUL SKIN-CARE SYSTEM.
FIRST,
GENEROUSLY APPLY THE VELVETY
SMOOTH EDWIN O. FAY CREAM...
WITH ITS SECRET
HERBAL INGREDIENTS.
BOY, THAT'S... THAT'S
PRETTY STRONG.
THAT'S RIGHT,
AND IT WORKS ON
SOILED LAUNDRY TOO.
THEN, THE NEXT STEP IS EDWIN'S
GENTLE BUT ABRASIVE FACIAL PEEL.
OW. OW.
AND THANKS TO OUR
HIGH-TECH COMPUTER SYSTEM,
WE CAN GENERATE A PROJECTION
OF WHAT OUR CLIENT WILL LOOK LIKE...
AFTER THE ENTIRE
EDWIN O. FAY TREATMENT.
HERE'S OUR CLIENT
AFTER ONLY TWO WEEKS,
AND AS YOU CAN SEE,
THERE IS ALREADY PROGRESS.
NOW HERE SHE IS
AFTER FOUR WEEKS.
WOW! SHE IS REALLY
STARTING TO FADE.
AND IN SIX WEEKS,
LOOK... A BRAND-NEW YOU.
WHAT A DIFFERENCE!
NOW, ISN'T THAT BETTER?
BLEMISH FREE, AND
THE BEST PART OF ALL,
PIGMENT FREE.
LET'S HEAR FROM SOME OF OUR
SATISFIED O. FAY CUSTOMERS.
LIKE MY FELLOW NUBIAN BROTHERS,
I TOO HAD RAZOR BUMPS.
NOW, NOT ONLY IS THEY GONE,
BUT I DROVE OVER 3,000
MILES TO GET HERE...
AND NOT ONCE DID I GET PULLED
OVER BY THE BOYS IN BLUE...
AND ASKED TO
ASSUME THE POSITION.
THANKS, EDWIN. PEACE!
BEFORE I STARTED
USING THE SYSTEM,
I COULDN'T GET NO
PLAY FROM A BROTHER.
WELL, NOW LOOK AT ME.
THANK YOU, EDWIN!
AND YOU WILL THANK HIM TOO,
BECAUSE WITH EDWIN'S NEW,
IMPROVED, FAST-ACTING SKIN-PEEL SYSTEM,
YOU'LL SAY,
"GOOD-BYE, HARD TIMES,"
AND HELLO TO THE ADVANTAGES
YOU HAVE ALWAYS DREAMED OF.
EDWIN O. FAY.
WE SAY IT'S FOR THE BLEMISHES,
BUT IT'S REALLY TO PASS.
EDWIN O. FAY SKIN CARE SYSTEM...
IF YOU INSIST ON USING IT,
KNOW WHEN THE HELL TO QUIT.
HEY, HOW DO I LOOK?
HEY, I SAID, HOW DO I LOOK?
♪ MONEY GONNA GET
ME SOME HONEYS ♪
♪ GONNA GET ME SOME HOLLER ♪
♪ WHAT ♪
♪ YEAH, OOH, OOH ♪
♪ GONNA GET ME SOME GET ME SOME
CRAZY ♪ ♪ WHAT ELSE, WHAT ELSE ♪
♪ GONNA GET ME SOME LADIES ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GONNA GET ME SOME PARTY ♪
♪ CHILL OUT ♪
♪ YEAH, OOH, OOH
GONNA GET ME SOME ♪
♪ GONNA TAKE AT MY NOOK
OF THE NECK OF THE WOODS ♪
♪ IT'S ALL GOOD UNDERSTOOD ♪
♪ BUT I'M ABOVE THE BATTLE
SOME OF Y'ALL STUPID THOUGH ♪
♪ I AIN'T LYIN', HONEYS CRYIN'
TRYIN' TO DO VOODOO AT THE SHOW ♪
♪ MONEY GONNA GET ME
SOME HONEYS ♪ ♪ WHAT ♪
♪ AW, YEAH ♪
♪ GONNA GET ME SOME HOLLER ♪
♪ YEAH, OOH, OOH ♪
♪ GONNA GET ME SOME GET
ME SOME CRAZY ♪ ♪ CHECK IT ♪
♪ GONNA GET ME SOME LADY ♪
♪ THAT'S RIGHT ♪
♪ GONNA GET ME SOME PARTY ♪
♪ ALL NIGHT ♪♪
AHH!
AT LAST, I HAVE FOUND MY PREY.
GARY COLEMAN, YOU BETTER STOP.
STOP, GARY.
OOH, IT'S COLD IN HERE.
I'M FEELIN' GOOSE NIPPILY.
BY THE DEPTHS OF HADES,
WHAT IS THAT SMELL?
DOG, I GOTTA QUIT
EATING THEM PIGS' FEET.
MY GAS IS KICKING UP.
I WILL TAKE YOU AWAY
FROM ALL OF THIS, MY LOVE.
OH, MY GOD.
IT'S A MAN IN MY "BOO-DOOR."
AND I FEEL VULNERABLE, AND
I'M ALMOST NAKED UP IN HERE.
FEAR NOT, MY LOVE.
I HAVE CROSSED OCEANS
OF TIME TO BE WITH YOU.
YOU SO CRAZY. YOU
COULD HAVE JUST CALLED.
I WANT YOU TO BE
MINE FOR ALL ETERNITY.
LISTEN, YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE GETTING INTO,
'CAUSE I'M TELLING YOU,
I'M JUST LIKE A VIRUS...
ONCE I GET IN YOUR SYSTEM,
IT'S HARD TO GET ME OUT.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. UH-UH.
I DON'T WANT YOU
TO SEE ME LIKE THIS.
I JUST WOKE UP. LET
ME PUT MY FACE ON.
TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE.
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PUT
ON APPEARANCES FOR ME.
I WANT TO TAKE YOU AS YOU ARE.
LOOK, YOU CAN HAVE ME NOW AND
HAVE A HAMBURGER, BUT IF YOU WAIT,
YOU CAN HAVE A QUARTER
POUNDER WITH CHEESE.
I WANT TO SHOW YOU THINGS
THAT YOU'VE NEVER SEEN.
HEY, WORD UP, AND I'M GONNA SHOW YOU
THINGS THAT SCIENTISTS AIN'T EVEN SEEN.
YOU MUST HURRY.
DAYLIGHT WILL BE UPON US SOON,
AND I AM A CREATURE
OF THE NIGHT.
HEY, HOLD ON A MINUTE,
'CAUSE I'M A FREAK
24 HOURS A DAY.
GIVE YOURSELF TO ME
BY THE CRACK OF DAWN,
AND WE SHALL RULE
THE UNDERWORLD.
I MUST DRINK OF YOUR ESSENCE.
HEY, WORD UP.
THEN GRAB A STRAW, 'CAUSE
YOU'RE GONNA DRINK IT UP.
CLAP ON.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
BY THE BEARD OF SATAN,
IT'S BEELZEBUB HIMSELF.
- CLAP OFF.
- WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU SAID YOU HAD CROSSED THE
SEAS AND ALL THAT KIND OF STUFF.
- CLAP ON.
- I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS GOING
TO FIND LAND HO.
CLAP OFF. WAIT A MINUTE.
WHO YOU CALLING A HO? CLAP ON.
I DON'T NEED NO EDDIE
MUNSTER-LOOKING, WITH-THE-WIDOW-PEAK,
FAKE-WEARING,
FUNKY-BREATH-BREATHING,
COMING-IN-THROUGH-MY-WINDOW-
WHEN-YOU-WASN'T-EVEN-INVITED,
WITH-THEM-WEARING-THEM-
TIRED-OLD-CLOTHES,
LOOKING-LIKE-PEE-WEE HERMAN-
LIKE-HE-WAS-ON-CRACK WHITE BOY...
TELLING ME THAT I
DON'T LOOK GOOD.
OKAY?
YOU ARE RIGHT.
I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.
HEY, WHERE YOU GOING?
DON'T BE ASHAMED JUST
'CAUSE YOU'RE A WHITE BOY.
I MEAN, I DON'T MIND HAVING
A LITTLE CREAM IN MY COFFEE.
AND I MEAN, NO.
AND IF YOU ACT RIGHT,
I'LL DO YOU LIKE THE BEAN...
YOU KNOW WHAT I'LL
DO? GRIND IT UP, HEY.
UGH! UGH! GRIND IT! GRIND!
AND I THOUGHT THE
CRUCIFIX WAS REPULSIVE. UGH!
LOOK, YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND. I AM A VAMPIRE.
I HAVE TO HAVE BLOOD.
OH, OKAY, THEN.
WHAT KIND OF BLOOD DO YOU NEED?
I GOT "A" NEGATIVE OR "O" POSITIVE.
I GOT YOU. BUT YOU ALSO
HAVE MIRRORS. I HATE MIRRORS.
YOU AIN'T GOT TO
WORRY ABOUT THAT. LOOK.
MIRROR, MIRROR, ON THE WALL...
THERE YOU GO.
OH, MY GOSH. LOOK AT THE TIME.
I HAVE TO GO SLEEP IN MY COFFIN.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO
NOWHERE. I TOLD YOU, I GOT YOU.
NOW LET ME ROCK YOUR UNDERWORLD.
WHAT YOU DO... UH-UH.
NO, UH-UH.
ALL RIGHT, DON'T YOU
KNOW YOU A FREAK?
FILET MY SOUL, FILET MY SOUL.
I GIVE UP.
YOU WIN, BUT I HAVE TO DO
IT WITH THE WINDOW OPEN.
I LOVE IT IN THE SUNLIGHT.
OKAY THEN. LET THE WORLD SEE.
FREE AT LAST. FREE AT LAST.
DOG. I GUESS I WAS
JUST TOO MUCH FOR HIM.
HE GOT HOT AND JUST BURNED UP.
CHARLEESA?
GIRL, YEAH, I DONE BURNED
ANOTHER ONE UP, GIRL.
I TOLD YOU, I BE ROCKING
WORLDS ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.
FOR REAL NOW.
ALL RIGHT. THANKS FOR WATCHING.
GOOD NIGHT, GRANDMA.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
I LOVE YOU, GRANNY.