In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 3, Episode 7 - The Jackson Bunch - full transcript
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP AND
SIP ON A DREAM ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE ON A
FUNKY SCENE ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO ♪♪
[Children Chattering]
[Whistle Blows]
LISTEN UP, PEOPLE. I AM
HERE, AND I WANNA HELP.
THIS IS OUR PLANET.
CAN I GET A HURRAH?
WHAT AM I? INVISIBLE?
DOESN'T ANYBODY CARE?
LISTEN TO ME!
UH, I WANT ONE WITH RELISH.
AND I WANT MINE
WITH, UM, MUSTARD.
I WANT YOU TO
STOP THIS INSANITY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
I'M TRYING TO MAKE A LIVING
HERE! AND THE PLANET IS DYING!
LISTEN. I CAN'T GET A PULSE.
WHAT THE HELL ARE
YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
THERE ARE 50,000 HOT
DOG COWS IN KANSAS ALONE!
SO? [Voice Cracking] SO?
WHEN THOSE COWS BREAK
WIND, NOT ONLY IS IT STINKY,
BUT IT'S CUTTING A
HOLE IN THE OZONE!
THINK OF THOSE HOT DOGS AS
ONE CUBIC FOOT OF COW GAS.
BON APPÉTIT.
THAT'S IT. SEE? WE
CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
I'LL MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN YOUR
FACE IF YOU DON'T GET OUTTA HERE!
OH, THE TRUTH HURTS,
DOESN'T IT, CAPTAIN CARNIVORE?
[Hissing]
OKAY, LITTLE RICKY,
NOW BREAK THE PIÑATA.
NO! PARENTS, DON'T DO IT.
DON'T TEACH THE
CHILDREN HOW TO KILL.
THIS IS GENOCIDE!
THIS IS A BIRTHDAY PARTY.
WOULD YOU GET LOST?
SMOKE SCREEN, SMOKE SCREEN,
SO THE TRUTH CAN NOT BE SEEN.
LISTEN, KIDS, FIRST
YOU HIT A PIÑATA, NEXT
THING YOU KNOW, YOU'RE
CLUBBING BABY SEALS!
THIS IS REAL, CHILDREN.
THESE ARE THE KILLING FIELDS.
THE PIÑATAS ARE PILING
UP. ARE YOU WITH ME?
THE HELL WITH YOU, THEN!
HEY, HEY, HEY. HEY, MAN. IF YOU DON'T
GET OUTTA HERE, I WILL CALL THE POLICE.
I OUGHTA WHIP YOUR ASS!
YOU'VE BEEN EATING
HAMBURGER, HAVEN'T YOU?
I SWEAR I COULD
JUST STRANGLE YOU!
WHOSE IS THIS?
HEY, MAN. GIVE ME THE BALL!
DO YOU KNOW
WHAT'S IN THIS THING?
AIR.
[Scoffs] OF COURSE THERE'S AIR!
LOTS OF AIR THAT WE COULD
BE BREATHING! FREE THE AIR!
[Air Hissing] HEY!
GO, LITTLE AIRS, GO! GO! HURRY!
FLY AWAY! FLY AWAY!
ARE YOU CRAZY? GIVE ME MY BALL!
GOOD BOY, BRUISER.
OH, YOU POOR IGNORAMUS,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M TAKING CARE OF
MY DOG'S BUSINESS.
YOU CAN'T PUT HIS DOODIE IN A
PLASTIC BAG. IT'S NOT BIODEGRADABLE.
- ALL I WANNA DO
IS GET RID OF IT.
- NO!
SAVE THE FECES
TO FEED THE PLANET!
YOU PEOPLE MAKE
ME SO EXASPERATED!
I COULD JUST RUB YOUR NOSE
IN IT, BUT IT'D BE SUCH A WASTE!
BY THE WAY, CUT
DOWN ON THE KIBBLE.
OH, THANK YOU! YOU'RE HERE!
UH, WHAT SEEMS
TO BE THE PROBLEM?
THE PROBLEM IS... [Laughs]
I'M TRYING TO TEACH
THESE PEOPLE HOW TO
EMBRACE THE PLANET
AND THEY'RE NOT LISTENING!
IT'S INSANITY. I SWEAR,
IT JUST MAKES ME CRAZY!
I WISH SOMEBODY WOULD JUST REACH OUT AND
DO SOMETHING. I'M RUNNING OUT OF BREATH.
[Gasping]
LISTEN.
I DON'T WANT ANY TROUBLE. WHY
DON'T YOU JUST MOVE ALONG? AH!
DOES SOMEBODY HAVE A CAMCORDER?
- ALL RIGHT. THAT'S ENOUGH.
- DON'T TOUCH ME. I'M A VEGETARIAN.
OH!
WE'VE GOT TO STOP THEM, PEOPLE!
WE'VE GOT TO STOP THEM!
WE ALL HAVE FIVE POUNDS OF
UNDIGESTED BUNDT CAKE IN OUR COLONS!
YOU'RE ONLY AS CLEAN
AS YOUR COLON! [Sobbing]
♪♪ [Hip-hop]
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO,
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO,
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO,
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO,
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪♪
WELL, I GUESS IT ALL STARTED 'CAUSE
MY DAD USED TO KEEP POT IN THE HOUSE.
I'D SNEAK INTO THE BATHROOM,
SMOKE A FEW. I WAS NINE YEARS OLD.
I GUESS I JUST DID IT TO BE
COOL. KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
HEY, MAN, YOU NODDING OFF?
SNAP OUT OF IT. I'M TRYIN' TO
TALK TO YOU ABOUT SMOKIN' POT!
OH, YOUNG LADY, YOU DON'T WANNA DO
THAT. YOU WANNA SAY NO TO THE DRUGS.
THAT'S WHY YOU CALLED US HERE
TODAY, TO TALK ABOUT OUR EXPERIENCES.
THIS ONE TIME, I WAS
SMOKING A ROACH.
MMM. THAT'S REALLY CRUEL. WHY NOT
JUST TURN THE LIGHTS ON AND YELL, "RAID!"
THEY ALWAYS SCATTER.
NO. YOU SEE, I WAS HOLDING
THE ROACH WITH MY CLIP.
OH, SHE BROUGHT A
CLIP. SANDY, KICK IT.
NO, I'M SAYING I WAS NINE, AND
I WAS ALREADY DOIN' REEFER.
JUST LIKE CLARENCE THOMAS.
YOU KNOW, HE DID IT AT A YOUNG
AGE, AND LOOK AT HIM TODAY.
I THINK WE GOT A
SUPERSTAR ON THE HORIZON.
SANDRA DAY O'CONNOR,
WATCH YOURSELF. YES.
SO, ANYWAY, I WAS GETTIN' STONED IN
MY ROOM ALL THE TIME, SKIPPIN' SCHOOL,
SELLIN' MY PARENT'S STUFF
JUST SO I COULD BUY MORE.
YOU EVER WATCHED SOMEBODY ROLL
A JOINT? YOU REALLY DON'T WANT NONE.
FIRST OF ALL, IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE
POURIN' SOME DIRT IN THE TOILET PAPER.
THEN THEY LICK IT WITH
THEIR BIG-ASS LIPS...
THEN HAND IT TO YOU.
NO, THANK YOU. JUST SPIT ON ME.
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHIN'. DID
YOU EVER GET TO THE HARD STUFF?
- NO, NO. JUST THE SMALL STUFF.
- OH, STRIVE TO BE NUMBER ONE.
LET'S GIVE A BIG COKE-BOOGER
ROUND OF APPLAUSE TO ANICE.
YES. COME BACK WHEN YOU'RE
DOIN' CRACK. GIVE IT UP! [Applause]
NOW, I HAVEN'T READ
THE MILK CARTON,
BUT MY PEOPLE TELL ME THIS
NEXT JUVENILE DELINQUENT...
IS GIVIN' DANNY BONADUCE
A BIG RUN FOR HIS MONEY.
YES. HE'S GONE
BEYOND A TRANSVESTITE.
ETHAN, TELL US ALL ABOUT IT.
I WAS 12 YEARS OLD, AND
IT ALL STARTED WITH WEED.
MMM. I LOVE THAT MOVIE, ETHAN. YES,
NICK NOLTE IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE STARS.
DID YOU SEE HIM IN 48 HRS. ONE
AND TWO? HE AND EDDIE ARE MAGIC.
NOT AS MUCH AS ME AND
EDDIE, OH, BUT I LOVE NICK NOLTE.
I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND.
I WAS SMOKING WEED.
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHIN'.
WHY DO PEOPLE DO POT?
ALL IT DOES IS MAKE YOU
LAUGH AT EVERYTHING.
WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED, YOU'RE
TIRED, FEEL STUPID ABOUT DOIN' IT.
KINDA LIKE WATCHIN' MY SHOW.
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHIN',
ETHAN. YOU'RE A YOUNG MAN.
YOU'RE SMOKING WEED.
WHAT ARE YOU, 12 YEARS OLD?
DOIN' THINGS THAT KIDS DO.
YOU EVER FIND YOURSELF
JUST FREAKIN' OUT?
- THINKIN' MAYBE SUPER MARIO
IS COMIN' TO GET YOU?
- NO.
PAC-MAN'S TRYIN' TO
EAT YOU? [Screaming]
PAC-MAN'S AFTER ME!
PAC-MAN'S AFTER ME!
[Screams]
WELL, HOW ABOUT YOU, YOUNG LADY?
NOW, YOU'RE ON TOP OF
THE MISSIN' PERSON CHARTS,
TURNIN' TRICKS FOR
CIGARETTES, PROSTITUTION.
AT YOUR AGE, YOU EVER
ASK YOURSELF, WHAT'S NEXT?
FEEL LIKE YOU'RE GETTIN' BLASÉ?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING
ABOUT. I'M JUST WAITING FOR MY MOM.
OH, AND I BET SHE'S
ONE BAD MAMA JAMA.
IF SHE LOOKS ANYTHING LIKE YOU, I'M SENDIN'
PAULA ABDUL BACK TO THE FAT FARM. YES.
DOES YOUR MOM TURN TRICKS?
I KNOW. BAD HOST, BAD HOST.
LET'S BRING IT BACK
AROUND TO MY MAN, ETHAN.
WHEN DID YOU START TO SAY "NO"?
WELL, I GUESS IT WAS WHEN
I JUST LOOKED AT MY LIFE.
I SAID, "GEEZ," YOU KNOW. I
WAS LIVIN' IN A BUS DEPOT.
[Giggles] I WASHED MY
CLOTHES IN THE SEWER.
[Chuckles] SMELLED LIKE IT, TOO.
- WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
- [Laughing]
WHAT IS SO FUNNY?
NOTHIN'. JUST THINKIN' ABOUT MY NEW
HAIRCUT. LOOK LIKE GUMBY WITH A JERI CURL.
OH.
LET ME ASK YOU A
QUESTION TO ALL OF YOU.
YOU EVER DO
ANYTHING ILLEGAL? YEAH.
WELL, LET'S SAY HELLO TO MY MYSTERY
GUEST TONIGHT, L.A.P.D. IN THE HOUSE! YES!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU SAID
YOU'D TEACH US A LESSON, ARSENIO.
A VERY VALUABLE LESSON, ETHAN.
IF SOMEONE EVER ASKS, DO YOU DO ANYTHING
ILLEGAL, JUST SAY NO! REMEMBER THAT!
JUST SAY NO!
[Excited Chattering]
STRIVE TO BE NUMBER ONE!
LOOK OUT FOR BUBBA. HE
LIKES YOUNG WHITE GUYS.
YES, BOY.
TAKE US HOME WITH SOME OF
THAT "CRACK PIPE, OVERDOSE,
LAYIN' IN THE ALLEY IN
YOUR OWN VOMIT" FUNK.
ALL RIGHT.
GOOD EVENING, MADAM. COULD I
HAVE A MOMENT OF YOUR TIME, PLEASE?
SEE, I'M A POET.
OH, I LOVE POETRY.
WELL, GOOD. IF YOU LIKE MY POEM,
I'D APPRECIATE A SMALL DONATION.
IF NOT, THEN ALL I WANNA
HEAR IS YOUR HONEST CRITICISM.
OH, CERTAINLY. OKAY.
THIS POEM IS ENTITLED, "FOOD."
"GROWL, GROWL, GROWL.
"HUNGER PAINS IN MY
BELLY ALL DAY LONG.
"WHAT SHALL I DO
TO FEED MY HUNGER?
"SHALL I SMACK AN OLD LADY
IN THE HEAD WITH A BRICK?
"BRICK! CRACK! CRACK! BRICK!
"BLOOD! BRAINS! SNOT!
EYEBALLS DRAGGED UP HER CHEEK!
"WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT
CUTE OLD LADY, SO SWEET AND ABRUP'?
I THINK SHE HAS FALLEN
AND SHE CAN'T GET UP."
OH! OH, LORDY,
PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!
[Screams] HEY, THANKS!
GOOD EVENING, YOUNG LOVERS.
PERHAPS COULD I ADD A BIT OF ROMANCE
TO YOUR EVENING? SEE, I'M A POET.
USUALLY YOUNG LOVE AND POETRY SEEM TO GO
HAND IN HAND. DON'T YOU AGREE, BEAUTIFUL?
COME ON, HONEY. LET'S
GO. NO, NO. WAIT A MINUTE.
THIS POEM IS ENTITLED,
"WHAT I GOTS TO HAVE."
"HOW DO I LOVE THEE? DON'T
EVEN TRY TO COUNT THE WAYS.
"I LOVE YOUR DEEP, HOT
KISSES AT THE END OF THE DAY.
"I LOVE YOUR
SILKY, SILKY SKIN...
"AND YOUR LONG, LONG LEGS.
I LOVE YOU, BABY, AND FOR
YOUR LOVE, I'LL HOWL AND BEG."
HONEY, LET'S GO. NO.
"MY LOVE IS LIKE A RED ROSE.
"IF SOMETHIN' GETS IN THE
WAY, I'LL BUST IT IN THE NOSE.
"SO, KICK, KICK, AND STOMP, STOMP GOES MY
FOOT UP AGAINST THE LITTLE PEA-HEADED MAN.
AND WATCH HIM "SQUIVER" AND
SHATTER AS I TAKE HIS LADY'S HAND."
THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
LISTEN. I'M GONNA GO INSIDE
AND GET A COUPLE OF SLUSHIES.
YOU DO THAT. LISTEN, UM, I
HAVE SOME POETRY FOR YOU.
IT'S MY PHONE NUMBER.
GIVE ME A CALL. THANK YOU.
EXCUSE ME, BROTHER. BUT COULD I
HAVE A MOMENT OF YOUR TIME, PLEASE?
SEE, I'M A POET. WELL, EXCELLENT. I
TEACH ENGLISH OVER AT THE UNIVERSITY.
WELL, GOOD. IF YOU LIKE MY POEM,
I'D APPRECIATE A SMALL DONATION.
BUT, IF NOT, THEN, PERHAPS YOU
COULD GIVE ME YOUR HONEST CRITICISM.
OKAY, LET'S HEAR IT.
I CALL THIS POEM,
"NICE NEW JACKET."
"PUNCH! STAB! KILL! CUT
YOU WITH BROKEN GLASS.
"PUNCH! STAB! KILL! HIDE
YOUR BODY IN THE GRASS.
"HAVE YOU SEEN
HIM LATELY? NOT I.
"HEY, WHAT'S THAT SMELL?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT I GOT A
NICE NEW JACKET, THOUGH."
UH, MAY I OFFER SOME CRITICISM?
WHAT? YOU DIDN'T LIKE MY POEM?
WELL, I LOVED THE CHOREOGRAPHY.
I LIKED THE PHYSICALITY
THAT YOU FOUND IN THE PIECE.
BUT I THINK YOU'RE A LITTLE
TOO TIED TO STRUCTURE.
YOU NEED TO FREE UP YOUR
IMAGERY. WHAT ARE YOU TRYIN' TO SAY?
WELL, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I HAVE A
LITTLE POEM I'VE BEEN WORKING ON MYSELF.
IT MIGHT HELP IF YOU
HEARD IT. YEAH, ALL RIGHT.
OKAY. [Clears Throat]
I CALL THIS ONE,
"GET OUT OF MY FACE."
"I COULD RIP OUT YOUR
SPLEEN AND GET YOU TO CHILL,
"OR I COULD BORE OUT YOUR
BUTT WITH A SEARS POWER DRILL,
"OR DRIVE A SPIKE THROUGH YOUR
CHEST TILL MY HAND DISAPPEARS,
"OR PERFORM EMASCULATION
WITH MY MOM'S PINKING SHEARS.
"ALL THIS I COULD DO, AND
MUCH MORE IN THIS PLACE,
IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR FUNKY,
TIRED, RUSTY ASS OUT OF MY FACE!"
THAT'S DEEP,
BROTHER. YOU THE MAN.
ALL RIGHT. KEEP
UP THE GOOD WORK.
♪♪ [Slow Techno]
[Man Rapping] ♪ SPLIT THESE PILLS
TRACE YOUR WAY TO THE SKY ♪
♪ LET'S SEE IF YOU MAKE
IT ON THE VERY FIRST TRY ♪
♪ WE BOTH REHEARSED
THIS PLAN FRONT TO BACK ♪
♪ AND HE WHO STRAYS
WILL GET THE INSIDE TRACK ♪
♪ NO COMIN' BACK
FROM THE HEREAFTER ♪
♪ THERE'S ONLY US
AND THE "X" FACTOR ♪
♪ AND IF YOU THINK YOU'LL
FIND WHAT YOU'RE AFTER ♪
♪ PREPARE YOURSELF FOR
THE BOOM BOX BLASTER ♪♪
GEE, MOM, YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.
YEAH, YEAH. IF I WORE A DRESS ONCE
IN A WHILE OR WORE A LITTLE MAKEUP,
I'M SURE I WOULD FEEL A
LITTLE MORE LIKE A LADY.
GOSH, MOTHER, YOU KNOW, FEMININE ADVICE
COMING FROM YOU MEANS SO MUCH TO ME,
CONSIDERING THAT YOU'RE
ABOUT AS FEMININE AS ROADKILL!
YOU ABANDONED ME IN A
DUMPSTER AND LEFT ME FOR DEAD!
YOU'RE A SHE-BITCH
FROM HELL! [Screaming]
OH, UH. YEAH, YEAH.
[Car Engine Revving]
UH, YEAH, HE'S HOME, MOM.
TALK TO YOU LATER, MOM. BYE.
HONEY, I'M HOME!
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, PUMPKIN FACE.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT. YOU REMEMBERED,
EVEN AFTER THREE MONTHS OF REHAB!
REHAB? HEY, HOW ABOUT A DRINK?
SURE THING, SWEET CAKES. TAKE YOUR COAT
OFF AND SIT DOWN. I'LL JUST GO GET DINNER.
OKAY, BUT HURRY UP, HONEYKINS.
'CAUSE I'VE GOT A GIFTY-POO!
HERE WE GO, SAM.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.
AW. ISN'T THAT NICE?
A TV DINNER. THAT'S
JUST WONDERFUL.
'CAUSE YOU KNOW, WHEN
I WAS IN BETTY FORD,
I WAS SO WHACKED OUT OF MY MIND, I
DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU COOKED FOR ME.
BUT HERE I AM, CLEAN AND SOBER,
COME HOME, STARVING, DYING TO EAT,
AND WHAT DO YOU SERVE ME?
A [Bleep] DAMN TV DINNER?
SALISBURY [Bleep] STEAK FROM A
DEAD COW THAT DIED SIX YEARS AGO!
OH! WHY DON'T YOU JUST
TAKE A BAG AND PUKE IN IT...
AND PUT IT IN THE
MICROWAVE, YOU [Bleep] BITCH?
YOU'RE A DEMON FROM
HELL, A DEMON FROM HELL!
OH! OH! OHH!
OH.
OH, WAIT. THERE'S TATER
TOTS. I LOVE TATER TOTS.
OH, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.
[Bottles Break]
[Both] HERE'S TO FIVE
YEARS OF LIVING HELL!
DO YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M PUTTING MY HAND IN
MY PANTS AND I'M LOOKING FOR YOUR PRESENT.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO LOOK
PRETTY HARD. I FOUND IT! I FOUND IT!
I DIDN'T THINK YOU
GOT ME ANYTHING, SAM.
WELL... OH, ISN'T
THIS SWEET. OH.
OH, LOOK. IT'S BIRTH
CONTROL PILLS.
LOOK AT THAT! ISN'T
THAT CHARMING?
I WAS EXPECTING MAYBE A
NECKLACE OR A BRACELET,
BUT NO, BIRTH... YOU GOT
ME BIRTH CONTROL PILLS.
I GUESS THIS MEANS THAT WE CAN
HAVE SEX MORE THAN ONCE A [Bleep] YEAR!
'CAUSE THAT'S ABOUT HOW LONG IT TAKES YOU
TO [Bleep], YOU PINHEAD [Bleep] BASTARD!
OH! OH! OHH!
OH, YEAH?
OH, YEAH!
THAT'S 'CAUSE SEX WITH
YOU IS LIKE [Bleep] A CORPSE!
YOU JUST LAY THERE, YOU BLOATED,
ROTTING, STINKING CARCASS FROM HELL!
OH, THAT'S A REAL
COMPLIMENT COMIN' FROM YOU...
SOMEONE WHO USED TO DO THE HUMPTY
DANCE WITH JESSICA HAHN. OH! OH! OHH!
OH, I LOVE YOU, YOU
GAGGING SLOB! AH!
YOU'RE THE LOVE OF
MY LIFE, SNOT BAG! OH!
[Both] OH! OH! OHH!
[Joan River's Voice] OH! CAN WE TALK?
I'M TRYIN' TO GET SOME SLEEP IN HERE.
OH, DID WE WAKE UP OUR
NEIGHBOR, JOAN RIVERS?
OH, WE'RE SORRY! WERE
WE KEEPIN' YOU UP, JOAN?
YEAH, I HOPE WE DIDN'T
DISTURB YOUR BEAUTY SLEEP.
WE KNOW HOW DESPERATELY YOU NEED
IT, SEEING AS YOU LOOK LIKE A BABOON!
YOU'LL NEVER BE GERALDO!
YOU'RE A LOSER! A LOSER!
OH! YOU'RE THE ELEPHANT WOMAN!
THE ELEPHANT WOMAN! MAKE IT GO AWAY!
I'M TURNING TO STONE!
I'M TURNING TO STONE!
OH! OH! OH! OHH!
[Baby Crying] OH, NO.
WE WOKE UP THE BABY.
DID MOMMY AND DADDY DISTURB
YOUR SLEEP, LITTLE MUFFIN? OH.
DID WE INTERRUPT YOUR
DREAM? 'CAUSE YOU'VE
BEEN OUR [Bleep] NIGHTMARE
YOU LITTLE BASTARD!
WE NEVER WANTED YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE!
YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT! YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT!
YOU'RE ONLY HERE BECAUSE I WAS SO [Bleep]
I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE I STUCK MY [Bleep].
WELL, GEE, I'M SORRY I'M
SUCH A BURDEN ON YOU GUYS,
BUT, FIRST OF ALL, I'M NOT
EVEN SURE YOU'RE MY REAL DAD!
AS FOR YOU, YEAH, YOU'RE A
MOTHER... THE MOTHER OF ALL [Bleep]!
YOUR MILK IS CUT WITH TEQUILA! I'LL BE
IN REHAB BEFORE I'LL BE IN KINDERGARTEN!
I WANNA GO BACK!
I WANNA GO BACK!
WAAH! WAAH!
OH!
WHAT CAN I SAY?
I'VE NEVER HAD MORE
FUN WORKING WITH A CAST.
THIS IS THE WILDEST GROUP
IN TELEVISION, MAN. OH!
I JUST WANNA THANK KEENEN
AND EVERYBODY. OH! OH!
[All Shouting] OH!
♪♪ [Hip-hop]
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP AND
SIP ON A DREAM ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE ON A
FUNKY SCENE ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO ♪♪
[Children Chattering]
[Whistle Blows]
LISTEN UP, PEOPLE. I AM
HERE, AND I WANNA HELP.
THIS IS OUR PLANET.
CAN I GET A HURRAH?
WHAT AM I? INVISIBLE?
DOESN'T ANYBODY CARE?
LISTEN TO ME!
UH, I WANT ONE WITH RELISH.
AND I WANT MINE
WITH, UM, MUSTARD.
I WANT YOU TO
STOP THIS INSANITY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
I'M TRYING TO MAKE A LIVING
HERE! AND THE PLANET IS DYING!
LISTEN. I CAN'T GET A PULSE.
WHAT THE HELL ARE
YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
THERE ARE 50,000 HOT
DOG COWS IN KANSAS ALONE!
SO? [Voice Cracking] SO?
WHEN THOSE COWS BREAK
WIND, NOT ONLY IS IT STINKY,
BUT IT'S CUTTING A
HOLE IN THE OZONE!
THINK OF THOSE HOT DOGS AS
ONE CUBIC FOOT OF COW GAS.
BON APPÉTIT.
THAT'S IT. SEE? WE
CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
I'LL MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN YOUR
FACE IF YOU DON'T GET OUTTA HERE!
OH, THE TRUTH HURTS,
DOESN'T IT, CAPTAIN CARNIVORE?
[Hissing]
OKAY, LITTLE RICKY,
NOW BREAK THE PIÑATA.
NO! PARENTS, DON'T DO IT.
DON'T TEACH THE
CHILDREN HOW TO KILL.
THIS IS GENOCIDE!
THIS IS A BIRTHDAY PARTY.
WOULD YOU GET LOST?
SMOKE SCREEN, SMOKE SCREEN,
SO THE TRUTH CAN NOT BE SEEN.
LISTEN, KIDS, FIRST
YOU HIT A PIÑATA, NEXT
THING YOU KNOW, YOU'RE
CLUBBING BABY SEALS!
THIS IS REAL, CHILDREN.
THESE ARE THE KILLING FIELDS.
THE PIÑATAS ARE PILING
UP. ARE YOU WITH ME?
THE HELL WITH YOU, THEN!
HEY, HEY, HEY. HEY, MAN. IF YOU DON'T
GET OUTTA HERE, I WILL CALL THE POLICE.
I OUGHTA WHIP YOUR ASS!
YOU'VE BEEN EATING
HAMBURGER, HAVEN'T YOU?
I SWEAR I COULD
JUST STRANGLE YOU!
WHOSE IS THIS?
HEY, MAN. GIVE ME THE BALL!
DO YOU KNOW
WHAT'S IN THIS THING?
AIR.
[Scoffs] OF COURSE THERE'S AIR!
LOTS OF AIR THAT WE COULD
BE BREATHING! FREE THE AIR!
[Air Hissing] HEY!
GO, LITTLE AIRS, GO! GO! HURRY!
FLY AWAY! FLY AWAY!
ARE YOU CRAZY? GIVE ME MY BALL!
GOOD BOY, BRUISER.
OH, YOU POOR IGNORAMUS,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M TAKING CARE OF
MY DOG'S BUSINESS.
YOU CAN'T PUT HIS DOODIE IN A
PLASTIC BAG. IT'S NOT BIODEGRADABLE.
- ALL I WANNA DO
IS GET RID OF IT.
- NO!
SAVE THE FECES
TO FEED THE PLANET!
YOU PEOPLE MAKE
ME SO EXASPERATED!
I COULD JUST RUB YOUR NOSE
IN IT, BUT IT'D BE SUCH A WASTE!
BY THE WAY, CUT
DOWN ON THE KIBBLE.
OH, THANK YOU! YOU'RE HERE!
UH, WHAT SEEMS
TO BE THE PROBLEM?
THE PROBLEM IS... [Laughs]
I'M TRYING TO TEACH
THESE PEOPLE HOW TO
EMBRACE THE PLANET
AND THEY'RE NOT LISTENING!
IT'S INSANITY. I SWEAR,
IT JUST MAKES ME CRAZY!
I WISH SOMEBODY WOULD JUST REACH OUT AND
DO SOMETHING. I'M RUNNING OUT OF BREATH.
[Gasping]
LISTEN.
I DON'T WANT ANY TROUBLE. WHY
DON'T YOU JUST MOVE ALONG? AH!
DOES SOMEBODY HAVE A CAMCORDER?
- ALL RIGHT. THAT'S ENOUGH.
- DON'T TOUCH ME. I'M A VEGETARIAN.
OH!
WE'VE GOT TO STOP THEM, PEOPLE!
WE'VE GOT TO STOP THEM!
WE ALL HAVE FIVE POUNDS OF
UNDIGESTED BUNDT CAKE IN OUR COLONS!
YOU'RE ONLY AS CLEAN
AS YOUR COLON! [Sobbing]
♪♪ [Hip-hop]
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO,
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO,
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO,
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO,
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪♪
WELL, I GUESS IT ALL STARTED 'CAUSE
MY DAD USED TO KEEP POT IN THE HOUSE.
I'D SNEAK INTO THE BATHROOM,
SMOKE A FEW. I WAS NINE YEARS OLD.
I GUESS I JUST DID IT TO BE
COOL. KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
HEY, MAN, YOU NODDING OFF?
SNAP OUT OF IT. I'M TRYIN' TO
TALK TO YOU ABOUT SMOKIN' POT!
OH, YOUNG LADY, YOU DON'T WANNA DO
THAT. YOU WANNA SAY NO TO THE DRUGS.
THAT'S WHY YOU CALLED US HERE
TODAY, TO TALK ABOUT OUR EXPERIENCES.
THIS ONE TIME, I WAS
SMOKING A ROACH.
MMM. THAT'S REALLY CRUEL. WHY NOT
JUST TURN THE LIGHTS ON AND YELL, "RAID!"
THEY ALWAYS SCATTER.
NO. YOU SEE, I WAS HOLDING
THE ROACH WITH MY CLIP.
OH, SHE BROUGHT A
CLIP. SANDY, KICK IT.
NO, I'M SAYING I WAS NINE, AND
I WAS ALREADY DOIN' REEFER.
JUST LIKE CLARENCE THOMAS.
YOU KNOW, HE DID IT AT A YOUNG
AGE, AND LOOK AT HIM TODAY.
I THINK WE GOT A
SUPERSTAR ON THE HORIZON.
SANDRA DAY O'CONNOR,
WATCH YOURSELF. YES.
SO, ANYWAY, I WAS GETTIN' STONED IN
MY ROOM ALL THE TIME, SKIPPIN' SCHOOL,
SELLIN' MY PARENT'S STUFF
JUST SO I COULD BUY MORE.
YOU EVER WATCHED SOMEBODY ROLL
A JOINT? YOU REALLY DON'T WANT NONE.
FIRST OF ALL, IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE
POURIN' SOME DIRT IN THE TOILET PAPER.
THEN THEY LICK IT WITH
THEIR BIG-ASS LIPS...
THEN HAND IT TO YOU.
NO, THANK YOU. JUST SPIT ON ME.
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHIN'. DID
YOU EVER GET TO THE HARD STUFF?
- NO, NO. JUST THE SMALL STUFF.
- OH, STRIVE TO BE NUMBER ONE.
LET'S GIVE A BIG COKE-BOOGER
ROUND OF APPLAUSE TO ANICE.
YES. COME BACK WHEN YOU'RE
DOIN' CRACK. GIVE IT UP! [Applause]
NOW, I HAVEN'T READ
THE MILK CARTON,
BUT MY PEOPLE TELL ME THIS
NEXT JUVENILE DELINQUENT...
IS GIVIN' DANNY BONADUCE
A BIG RUN FOR HIS MONEY.
YES. HE'S GONE
BEYOND A TRANSVESTITE.
ETHAN, TELL US ALL ABOUT IT.
I WAS 12 YEARS OLD, AND
IT ALL STARTED WITH WEED.
MMM. I LOVE THAT MOVIE, ETHAN. YES,
NICK NOLTE IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE STARS.
DID YOU SEE HIM IN 48 HRS. ONE
AND TWO? HE AND EDDIE ARE MAGIC.
NOT AS MUCH AS ME AND
EDDIE, OH, BUT I LOVE NICK NOLTE.
I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND.
I WAS SMOKING WEED.
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHIN'.
WHY DO PEOPLE DO POT?
ALL IT DOES IS MAKE YOU
LAUGH AT EVERYTHING.
WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED, YOU'RE
TIRED, FEEL STUPID ABOUT DOIN' IT.
KINDA LIKE WATCHIN' MY SHOW.
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHIN',
ETHAN. YOU'RE A YOUNG MAN.
YOU'RE SMOKING WEED.
WHAT ARE YOU, 12 YEARS OLD?
DOIN' THINGS THAT KIDS DO.
YOU EVER FIND YOURSELF
JUST FREAKIN' OUT?
- THINKIN' MAYBE SUPER MARIO
IS COMIN' TO GET YOU?
- NO.
PAC-MAN'S TRYIN' TO
EAT YOU? [Screaming]
PAC-MAN'S AFTER ME!
PAC-MAN'S AFTER ME!
[Screams]
WELL, HOW ABOUT YOU, YOUNG LADY?
NOW, YOU'RE ON TOP OF
THE MISSIN' PERSON CHARTS,
TURNIN' TRICKS FOR
CIGARETTES, PROSTITUTION.
AT YOUR AGE, YOU EVER
ASK YOURSELF, WHAT'S NEXT?
FEEL LIKE YOU'RE GETTIN' BLASÉ?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING
ABOUT. I'M JUST WAITING FOR MY MOM.
OH, AND I BET SHE'S
ONE BAD MAMA JAMA.
IF SHE LOOKS ANYTHING LIKE YOU, I'M SENDIN'
PAULA ABDUL BACK TO THE FAT FARM. YES.
DOES YOUR MOM TURN TRICKS?
I KNOW. BAD HOST, BAD HOST.
LET'S BRING IT BACK
AROUND TO MY MAN, ETHAN.
WHEN DID YOU START TO SAY "NO"?
WELL, I GUESS IT WAS WHEN
I JUST LOOKED AT MY LIFE.
I SAID, "GEEZ," YOU KNOW. I
WAS LIVIN' IN A BUS DEPOT.
[Giggles] I WASHED MY
CLOTHES IN THE SEWER.
[Chuckles] SMELLED LIKE IT, TOO.
- WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
- [Laughing]
WHAT IS SO FUNNY?
NOTHIN'. JUST THINKIN' ABOUT MY NEW
HAIRCUT. LOOK LIKE GUMBY WITH A JERI CURL.
OH.
LET ME ASK YOU A
QUESTION TO ALL OF YOU.
YOU EVER DO
ANYTHING ILLEGAL? YEAH.
WELL, LET'S SAY HELLO TO MY MYSTERY
GUEST TONIGHT, L.A.P.D. IN THE HOUSE! YES!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU SAID
YOU'D TEACH US A LESSON, ARSENIO.
A VERY VALUABLE LESSON, ETHAN.
IF SOMEONE EVER ASKS, DO YOU DO ANYTHING
ILLEGAL, JUST SAY NO! REMEMBER THAT!
JUST SAY NO!
[Excited Chattering]
STRIVE TO BE NUMBER ONE!
LOOK OUT FOR BUBBA. HE
LIKES YOUNG WHITE GUYS.
YES, BOY.
TAKE US HOME WITH SOME OF
THAT "CRACK PIPE, OVERDOSE,
LAYIN' IN THE ALLEY IN
YOUR OWN VOMIT" FUNK.
ALL RIGHT.
GOOD EVENING, MADAM. COULD I
HAVE A MOMENT OF YOUR TIME, PLEASE?
SEE, I'M A POET.
OH, I LOVE POETRY.
WELL, GOOD. IF YOU LIKE MY POEM,
I'D APPRECIATE A SMALL DONATION.
IF NOT, THEN ALL I WANNA
HEAR IS YOUR HONEST CRITICISM.
OH, CERTAINLY. OKAY.
THIS POEM IS ENTITLED, "FOOD."
"GROWL, GROWL, GROWL.
"HUNGER PAINS IN MY
BELLY ALL DAY LONG.
"WHAT SHALL I DO
TO FEED MY HUNGER?
"SHALL I SMACK AN OLD LADY
IN THE HEAD WITH A BRICK?
"BRICK! CRACK! CRACK! BRICK!
"BLOOD! BRAINS! SNOT!
EYEBALLS DRAGGED UP HER CHEEK!
"WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT
CUTE OLD LADY, SO SWEET AND ABRUP'?
I THINK SHE HAS FALLEN
AND SHE CAN'T GET UP."
OH! OH, LORDY,
PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!
[Screams] HEY, THANKS!
GOOD EVENING, YOUNG LOVERS.
PERHAPS COULD I ADD A BIT OF ROMANCE
TO YOUR EVENING? SEE, I'M A POET.
USUALLY YOUNG LOVE AND POETRY SEEM TO GO
HAND IN HAND. DON'T YOU AGREE, BEAUTIFUL?
COME ON, HONEY. LET'S
GO. NO, NO. WAIT A MINUTE.
THIS POEM IS ENTITLED,
"WHAT I GOTS TO HAVE."
"HOW DO I LOVE THEE? DON'T
EVEN TRY TO COUNT THE WAYS.
"I LOVE YOUR DEEP, HOT
KISSES AT THE END OF THE DAY.
"I LOVE YOUR
SILKY, SILKY SKIN...
"AND YOUR LONG, LONG LEGS.
I LOVE YOU, BABY, AND FOR
YOUR LOVE, I'LL HOWL AND BEG."
HONEY, LET'S GO. NO.
"MY LOVE IS LIKE A RED ROSE.
"IF SOMETHIN' GETS IN THE
WAY, I'LL BUST IT IN THE NOSE.
"SO, KICK, KICK, AND STOMP, STOMP GOES MY
FOOT UP AGAINST THE LITTLE PEA-HEADED MAN.
AND WATCH HIM "SQUIVER" AND
SHATTER AS I TAKE HIS LADY'S HAND."
THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
LISTEN. I'M GONNA GO INSIDE
AND GET A COUPLE OF SLUSHIES.
YOU DO THAT. LISTEN, UM, I
HAVE SOME POETRY FOR YOU.
IT'S MY PHONE NUMBER.
GIVE ME A CALL. THANK YOU.
EXCUSE ME, BROTHER. BUT COULD I
HAVE A MOMENT OF YOUR TIME, PLEASE?
SEE, I'M A POET. WELL, EXCELLENT. I
TEACH ENGLISH OVER AT THE UNIVERSITY.
WELL, GOOD. IF YOU LIKE MY POEM,
I'D APPRECIATE A SMALL DONATION.
BUT, IF NOT, THEN, PERHAPS YOU
COULD GIVE ME YOUR HONEST CRITICISM.
OKAY, LET'S HEAR IT.
I CALL THIS POEM,
"NICE NEW JACKET."
"PUNCH! STAB! KILL! CUT
YOU WITH BROKEN GLASS.
"PUNCH! STAB! KILL! HIDE
YOUR BODY IN THE GRASS.
"HAVE YOU SEEN
HIM LATELY? NOT I.
"HEY, WHAT'S THAT SMELL?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT I GOT A
NICE NEW JACKET, THOUGH."
UH, MAY I OFFER SOME CRITICISM?
WHAT? YOU DIDN'T LIKE MY POEM?
WELL, I LOVED THE CHOREOGRAPHY.
I LIKED THE PHYSICALITY
THAT YOU FOUND IN THE PIECE.
BUT I THINK YOU'RE A LITTLE
TOO TIED TO STRUCTURE.
YOU NEED TO FREE UP YOUR
IMAGERY. WHAT ARE YOU TRYIN' TO SAY?
WELL, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I HAVE A
LITTLE POEM I'VE BEEN WORKING ON MYSELF.
IT MIGHT HELP IF YOU
HEARD IT. YEAH, ALL RIGHT.
OKAY. [Clears Throat]
I CALL THIS ONE,
"GET OUT OF MY FACE."
"I COULD RIP OUT YOUR
SPLEEN AND GET YOU TO CHILL,
"OR I COULD BORE OUT YOUR
BUTT WITH A SEARS POWER DRILL,
"OR DRIVE A SPIKE THROUGH YOUR
CHEST TILL MY HAND DISAPPEARS,
"OR PERFORM EMASCULATION
WITH MY MOM'S PINKING SHEARS.
"ALL THIS I COULD DO, AND
MUCH MORE IN THIS PLACE,
IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR FUNKY,
TIRED, RUSTY ASS OUT OF MY FACE!"
THAT'S DEEP,
BROTHER. YOU THE MAN.
ALL RIGHT. KEEP
UP THE GOOD WORK.
♪♪ [Slow Techno]
[Man Rapping] ♪ SPLIT THESE PILLS
TRACE YOUR WAY TO THE SKY ♪
♪ LET'S SEE IF YOU MAKE
IT ON THE VERY FIRST TRY ♪
♪ WE BOTH REHEARSED
THIS PLAN FRONT TO BACK ♪
♪ AND HE WHO STRAYS
WILL GET THE INSIDE TRACK ♪
♪ NO COMIN' BACK
FROM THE HEREAFTER ♪
♪ THERE'S ONLY US
AND THE "X" FACTOR ♪
♪ AND IF YOU THINK YOU'LL
FIND WHAT YOU'RE AFTER ♪
♪ PREPARE YOURSELF FOR
THE BOOM BOX BLASTER ♪♪
GEE, MOM, YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.
YEAH, YEAH. IF I WORE A DRESS ONCE
IN A WHILE OR WORE A LITTLE MAKEUP,
I'M SURE I WOULD FEEL A
LITTLE MORE LIKE A LADY.
GOSH, MOTHER, YOU KNOW, FEMININE ADVICE
COMING FROM YOU MEANS SO MUCH TO ME,
CONSIDERING THAT YOU'RE
ABOUT AS FEMININE AS ROADKILL!
YOU ABANDONED ME IN A
DUMPSTER AND LEFT ME FOR DEAD!
YOU'RE A SHE-BITCH
FROM HELL! [Screaming]
OH, UH. YEAH, YEAH.
[Car Engine Revving]
UH, YEAH, HE'S HOME, MOM.
TALK TO YOU LATER, MOM. BYE.
HONEY, I'M HOME!
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, PUMPKIN FACE.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT. YOU REMEMBERED,
EVEN AFTER THREE MONTHS OF REHAB!
REHAB? HEY, HOW ABOUT A DRINK?
SURE THING, SWEET CAKES. TAKE YOUR COAT
OFF AND SIT DOWN. I'LL JUST GO GET DINNER.
OKAY, BUT HURRY UP, HONEYKINS.
'CAUSE I'VE GOT A GIFTY-POO!
HERE WE GO, SAM.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.
AW. ISN'T THAT NICE?
A TV DINNER. THAT'S
JUST WONDERFUL.
'CAUSE YOU KNOW, WHEN
I WAS IN BETTY FORD,
I WAS SO WHACKED OUT OF MY MIND, I
DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU COOKED FOR ME.
BUT HERE I AM, CLEAN AND SOBER,
COME HOME, STARVING, DYING TO EAT,
AND WHAT DO YOU SERVE ME?
A [Bleep] DAMN TV DINNER?
SALISBURY [Bleep] STEAK FROM A
DEAD COW THAT DIED SIX YEARS AGO!
OH! WHY DON'T YOU JUST
TAKE A BAG AND PUKE IN IT...
AND PUT IT IN THE
MICROWAVE, YOU [Bleep] BITCH?
YOU'RE A DEMON FROM
HELL, A DEMON FROM HELL!
OH! OH! OHH!
OH.
OH, WAIT. THERE'S TATER
TOTS. I LOVE TATER TOTS.
OH, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.
[Bottles Break]
[Both] HERE'S TO FIVE
YEARS OF LIVING HELL!
DO YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M PUTTING MY HAND IN
MY PANTS AND I'M LOOKING FOR YOUR PRESENT.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO LOOK
PRETTY HARD. I FOUND IT! I FOUND IT!
I DIDN'T THINK YOU
GOT ME ANYTHING, SAM.
WELL... OH, ISN'T
THIS SWEET. OH.
OH, LOOK. IT'S BIRTH
CONTROL PILLS.
LOOK AT THAT! ISN'T
THAT CHARMING?
I WAS EXPECTING MAYBE A
NECKLACE OR A BRACELET,
BUT NO, BIRTH... YOU GOT
ME BIRTH CONTROL PILLS.
I GUESS THIS MEANS THAT WE CAN
HAVE SEX MORE THAN ONCE A [Bleep] YEAR!
'CAUSE THAT'S ABOUT HOW LONG IT TAKES YOU
TO [Bleep], YOU PINHEAD [Bleep] BASTARD!
OH! OH! OHH!
OH, YEAH?
OH, YEAH!
THAT'S 'CAUSE SEX WITH
YOU IS LIKE [Bleep] A CORPSE!
YOU JUST LAY THERE, YOU BLOATED,
ROTTING, STINKING CARCASS FROM HELL!
OH, THAT'S A REAL
COMPLIMENT COMIN' FROM YOU...
SOMEONE WHO USED TO DO THE HUMPTY
DANCE WITH JESSICA HAHN. OH! OH! OHH!
OH, I LOVE YOU, YOU
GAGGING SLOB! AH!
YOU'RE THE LOVE OF
MY LIFE, SNOT BAG! OH!
[Both] OH! OH! OHH!
[Joan River's Voice] OH! CAN WE TALK?
I'M TRYIN' TO GET SOME SLEEP IN HERE.
OH, DID WE WAKE UP OUR
NEIGHBOR, JOAN RIVERS?
OH, WE'RE SORRY! WERE
WE KEEPIN' YOU UP, JOAN?
YEAH, I HOPE WE DIDN'T
DISTURB YOUR BEAUTY SLEEP.
WE KNOW HOW DESPERATELY YOU NEED
IT, SEEING AS YOU LOOK LIKE A BABOON!
YOU'LL NEVER BE GERALDO!
YOU'RE A LOSER! A LOSER!
OH! YOU'RE THE ELEPHANT WOMAN!
THE ELEPHANT WOMAN! MAKE IT GO AWAY!
I'M TURNING TO STONE!
I'M TURNING TO STONE!
OH! OH! OH! OHH!
[Baby Crying] OH, NO.
WE WOKE UP THE BABY.
DID MOMMY AND DADDY DISTURB
YOUR SLEEP, LITTLE MUFFIN? OH.
DID WE INTERRUPT YOUR
DREAM? 'CAUSE YOU'VE
BEEN OUR [Bleep] NIGHTMARE
YOU LITTLE BASTARD!
WE NEVER WANTED YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE!
YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT! YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT!
YOU'RE ONLY HERE BECAUSE I WAS SO [Bleep]
I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE I STUCK MY [Bleep].
WELL, GEE, I'M SORRY I'M
SUCH A BURDEN ON YOU GUYS,
BUT, FIRST OF ALL, I'M NOT
EVEN SURE YOU'RE MY REAL DAD!
AS FOR YOU, YEAH, YOU'RE A
MOTHER... THE MOTHER OF ALL [Bleep]!
YOUR MILK IS CUT WITH TEQUILA! I'LL BE
IN REHAB BEFORE I'LL BE IN KINDERGARTEN!
I WANNA GO BACK!
I WANNA GO BACK!
WAAH! WAAH!
OH!
WHAT CAN I SAY?
I'VE NEVER HAD MORE
FUN WORKING WITH A CAST.
THIS IS THE WILDEST GROUP
IN TELEVISION, MAN. OH!
I JUST WANNA THANK KEENEN
AND EVERYBODY. OH! OH!
[All Shouting] OH!
♪♪ [Hip-hop]