In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 3, Episode 6 - Home Alone Again - full transcript
THEY'RE MALNOURISHED,
HOMELESS... THEIR YOUNG LIVES...
SLOWLY WASTING AWAY.
HELLO. I'M SALLY STRUTHERS,
AND EACH YEAR WE LOSE ANOTHER HANDFUL
OF AMERICA'S MOST VALUABLE COMMODITY:
CHILD TV STARS.
IMAGINE YOURSELF A
CHILD ON A HIT TV SERIES.
YOU REACH PUBERTY,
YOUR SHOW IS CANCELED...
AND YOUR PARENTS HAVE
SPENT ALL YOUR MONEY.
GOD, THE STENCH OF
FAILURE IS SICKENING.
YOU TURN INTO A GUN NUT,
MAKE BAD CAREER CHOICES:
DRUG ADDICTION,
ATTEMPTED MURDER,
EVEN TRANSVESTITE-BASHING.
ALL HOPE IS LOST.
BUT NOW, THANKS
TO YOU, THERE'S HOPE.
FOR JUST 75 CENTS A DAY...
THE PRICE OF A CUP OF COFFEE...
THE ADOPT A TV CHILD
FOUNDATION HELPS...
GET THESE KIDS BACK ON TRACK.
WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR 75 CENTS?
IT HELPS TO PUT YOUR TV CHILD BACK IN
THE ENVIRONMENT HE'S FAMILIAR WITH...
SO HE CAN COPE WITH HIS FAILURE.
IT PAYS FOR ACTING LESSONS TO HELP
PREPARE FOR 20-YEAR REUNION SPECIALS,
PLUS LAWYERS' FEES, TALK
SHOW TRANSPORTATION...
AND, OF COURSE,
BAIL IF NECESSARY.
MOST IMPORTANT, IT KEEPS YOUR
CHILD COMFORTABLE AND HAPPY.
[Sighs] HI. I'M DANNY
BONADUCE. [Coughs]
I USED TO BE INTO
TRANSVESTITE PROSTITUTES.
NOW, WITH THE HELP OF
ADOPT A TV CHILD FOUNDATION,
I'M INTO STRAIGHT PROSTITUTES.
THANKS. THANK YOU, DANNY.
WITH A SMALL DONATION,
YOU'LL BE ABLE...
TO WATCH YOUR TV CHILD
GROW STRONG AND HEALTHY.
WHO KNOWS? THEY MAY
EVEN LAND ANOTHER TV SERIES.
SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
SEND IN YOUR 75 CENTS,
AND ADOPT A TV CHILD TODAY.
JUST CALL:
DO IT NOW.
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP AND
SIP ON A DREAM ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE ON A
FUNKY SCENE ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO ♪♪
[Man] HEY, GUY. HAVE YOU EVER
GONE TO BED WITH A WOMAN...
WHO YOU THOUGHT
LOOKED LIKE ROBIN GIVENS,
BUT WHEN YOU WAKE UP,
LOOKS MORE LIKE ROBIN LEACH?
[Screeches] [Man] THAT'S WHAT
YOU CALL "COYOTE UGLY,"
BECAUSE YOU'D GNAW YOUR OWN
ARM OFF TO GET OUT OF THERE. [Chewing]
WELL, CHEW NO LONGER, BECAUSE THE
NEW COYOTE UGLY ESCAPE KIT IS HERE.
COYOTE UGLY ESCAPE KIT IS THE
DISPOSABLE PROSTHETIC ARM YOU ATTACH...
BEFORE YOU GO TO BED
WITH THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE.
SIMPLY FASTEN THE
REALISTIC, STYLISH COYOTE ARM,
AND YOU'RE ALL SET FOR
THOSE RUDE AWAKENINGS.
[Woman] WHAT'S KEEPIN' YOU, BABY? I
NEED YOUR LOVIN' ARMS AROUND ME!
NO PROBLEM, THANKS TO
THE COYOTE UGLY ESCAPE KIT.
[Man] AT THE MOMENT OF REVULSION,
SIMPLY UNFASTEN THE HINGES,
AND YOU'RE FREE AND
CLEAR, WITH NO MESSY TORN
LIGAMENTS OR UNPLEASANT
ARTERIAL BLEEDING.
YES, COYOTE UGLY PROMISES A
HAPPY HUMP WITH NO BLOODY STUMP.
SO REMEMBER, GUYS: WITH COYOTE
BRAND, YOU CAN SAY FAREWELL TO ARMS...
AND FAREWELL TO
LAST NIGHT'S NIGHTMARE.
[Howling]
[Drums Beating]
[Man] K.Y.Y.T. PRESENTS A
MINORITY-AFFAIRS PROGRAM, BLACK LIKE YOU.
HERE ARE YOUR HOSTS, TOM AND
TOM, THE BROTHERS BROTHERS.
[Loud Cheering] WHOO!
HOLA. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
WELCOME TO BLACK
LIKE YOU. NOT US.
[Sighs] OH, BOY.
WELL, I'M SO EXCITED TONIGHT,
TOM. WE HAVE A VERY SPECIAL GUEST:
AFRICAN FILMMAKER SPIKE LEE.
OH, WOW! THAT'S GREAT! I LOVED
ALL THOSE KARATE MOVIES HE MADE.
[Karate Yells] ENTER
THE DRAGON... TOM!
WHAT? I THINK YOU
POPPED A BONER.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
SPIKE LEE, NOT BRUCE LEE.
YOU KNOW... SPIKE, THE LITTLE GUY
WITH THE SKINNY LEGS AND BIG FEET?
OH, THE TROUBLEMAKER.
SHALL WE BRING HIM
OUT? SURE. BRING HIM OUT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
SPIKE LEE! COME ON OUT, SPIKEY.
HOW ARE YA, SPIKEY? HE'S A
LOT TALLER THAN I THOUGHT.
NO. YOUR KNEES ARE NOT
AS BIG AS I THOUGHT EITHER.
- NO, MAN. I'M NOT SPIKE LEE.
- ALL RIGHT, MR. SINGLETON.
- LET'S GET RIGHT TO IT.
- I'M NOT JOHN SINGLETON EITHER.
WELL, YOU'RE CERTAINLY NOT ROBERT
TOWNSEND. YOUR NOSE IS TOO SMALL.
WHAT OTHER AFRICAN
FILMMAKER IS THERE OUT THERE?
I DON'T KNOW. HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU'RE THAT LONG DONG SILVER GUY.
YOU'D BETTER GET OFF
OUR SHOW RIGHT NOW.
I'M PERPLEXED, TOM. IT SAYS
HERE HE'S AN AFRIN... AFRO... AF...
IT JUST SCARES ME,
THIS BLACK STUFF.
HE'S AN AFRO-AMERICAN FILMMAKER.
WELL, I DON'T EVEN SEE
AN AFRO. WHERE IS IT?
IN THE SHOP, GETTIN'
THE KINKS OUT?
HEY, LOOK, MAN. MY NAME IS MORGAN CASEY,
AND I'M AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN FILMMAKER,
AND I'M HERE TO TALK ABOUT THE
PROBLEMS RELEVANT TO BLACKS AND MOVIES.
WELL, LET'S DO THAT. LET'S
TALK ABOUT BLACKS AND FILMS.
WHY DO THOSE PEOPLE
TALK SO LOUD IN THE MOVIE?
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, THEY'RE
ALWAYS THROWING POPCORN,
AND I'M SITTING BEHIND
SOME GUY WITH A
JHERI CURL, AND IT'S
DRIPPING IN MY POPCORN.
I WANT BUTTER, NOT
JHERI CURL JUICE.
THEY'RE BOTH SO GREASY, YOU CAN'T
REALLY TELL THE DIFFERENCE, CAN YOU?
LOOK, MAN. THAT'S NOT IT. SEE, THERE IS A
LACK OF ROLES FOR AFRICAN-AMERICANS...
IN FILM AND IN TELEVISION, AND
THAT'S WHAT I'M HERE TO TALK ABOUT.
COME ON. WHAT ABOUT
AMERICA'S MOST WANTED?
GOOD POINT. THAT'S ALL YOU
EVER SEE ARE BLACK GUYS ON THAT.
AND WHAT ABOUT
THE SHOW COPS? HECK,
IF THEY TOOK THE BLACK GUYS OFF
THAT, WE WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE A SHOW.
AND WHAT ABOUT THE MOVIE
THAT WAS JUST OUT... LOJACK CITY...
WITH THAT GUY... WHAT'S-HIS-NAME...
ICE COLD? ICE CREAM.
YOU GUYS ARE ALL WRONG. IT'S NEW
JACK CITY. NEW JACK CITY AND ICE-T.
OH, WE DON'T HAVE ANY ICED
TEA. WE HAVE SOME KOOL-AID.
WE GOT THE RED KIND.
YOU LIKE THAT, DON'T YA?
LOOK, WHAT I BEEN TRYIN' TO SAY IS
THAT BLACK AMERICANS ARE PORTRAYED...
ONLY AS CRIMINALS,
SLAVES, PORCH MONKEYS...
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE. HOT-DIGGITY-DARN,
YOU HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! TOM, TOM, TOM,
YOU'RE LOSING YOUR...
YOUR, UM... TOM...
PRESSURE. IT'S NOTHING...
WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT...
IS NOTHING BUT SOME TOE
JAM AND PEENIE CHEESE! [Gasps]
CAN WE GET AWAY WITH THAT?
I MEAN, I'M REALLY MAD, TOM. I DON'T EVER
WANNA HEAR ANYONE PUT DOWN SLAVERY.
THAT'S RIGHT. I MEAN, WHEN
YOU THINK ABOUT SLAVERY...
AND YOU THINK ABOUT UNEMPLOYMENT
TODAY, YOU ASK YOURSELF,
"MR. LINCOLN, WHAT
WERE YOU THINKIN'?"
THAT'S RIGHT. AND IF IT
WASN'T FOR SLAVERY, PAL,
YOU WOULDN'T BE IN THIS
COUNTRY MAKIN' FILMS.
YOU'D BE BACK IN AFRICA MAKING
SOME NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC FILM...
WITH SOME NATIVE WOMAN WITH HER
BOOBIES SWINGIN' ALL OVER THE PLACE.
OH, GOSH. THE HORROR, TOM! ACK!
COULD I SPEAK? CAN
I TALK? CAN I TALK?
THAT MIGHT BE BAD, BUT AT LEAST I WOULDN'T
HAVE SOME WHITE STUDIO EXECUTIVE...
TELLIN' ME WHAT I CAN DO
WITH THE FINAL CUT OF MY FILM.
LET ME SHOW YOU A CLIP OF THE WORK I DID
BEFORE THE STUDIO GOT THEIR HANDS ON IT.
I HATE WHEN THESE ANGRY
BLACK PEOPLE BRING CLIPS.
THEY'RE NEVER
FUNNY. NEVER FUNNY.
YOUR EYES ARE THE THUNDER,
AND OUT OF HERE I'LL GO,
FOR I TOO AM MAD,
AND I BID YOU TALLYHO.
[Snoring] TOM?
WE'RE GONNA SHOW THE OTHER... YOU SHOULD'VE
DID THE SPIKE LEE ENDING: "WAKE UP!"
[Both Laughing]
WELL, ANYWAY, LET ME SHOW YOU
WHAT THE STUDIO DID TO THAT SCENE.
YO, I'S IN THE THUNDERBIRD.
GET YO' BUTT OUT
HERE SO WE CAN GO,
'FOR I GET MAD AND HIT YOU,
TACKY HO.
BRAVO! BRAVO! OH, I LOVE IT!
MAN, THAT WAS WACK. THAT'S
UNBELIEVABLE, AIN'T IT? WACK.
I HAVEN'T SEEN WORK LIKE THAT
SINCE... SINCE JIMMY WALKER...
WAS IN THAT MOVIE WITH, UM,
WHAT'S-HIS-NAME... SIDNEY "PORTIER."
DO IT AGAIN OR SOMETHING. DO YOU REMEMBER
THE RIVETING SCENE WITH ANTONIO FARGAS...
KICKING THAT PROSTITUTE UP AND DOWN
THE STREET AND ACROSS 110th STREET?
THAT WAS IT.
MAN, YOU GUYS ARE WACK.
YOU GUYS ARE NOTHIN' BUT...
A BUNCH OF BOBO-BUTT-KISSIN'
BONZO BROTHERS, MAN.
I'M OUT OF HERE. YOU
NEED A BACKBEAT FOR THAT?
[Imitates Percussive Backbeat]
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE
BUTT-KISSIN', BOBO BROTHERS...
DO A BEAUTIFUL BALLAD, HUH?
I'M ALL WITH THAT. LET'S GO.
MAESTRO. OUR
INSTRUMENTS, PLEASE.
HIT IT, TOM.
♪♪ [Folk]
♪ BLACK FELLAS IN MOVIES
SHOULD JUST KNOW THEIR PLACE ♪
♪ THERE'S PLENTY OF GOOD
ROLES FOR PEOPLE OF RACE ♪
♪ THERE'S MUGGERS AND
PUSHERS AND HOOKERS IN LACE ♪
♪ JUST TAP-DANCE AND SHUFFLE
A SMILE ON YOUR FACE ♪♪
GOOD WHITE,
EVERYBODY! GOOD WHITE!
♪♪ [Percussion]
[Man] YEAH. ♪ COME
ON, HELLO, HELLO ♪
♪ IT'S THE ILL BROTHER WITH THE
ILL FLOW INTRODUCIN' THE DYNAMO ♪
♪ IT'S SUBLIME WHEN I
HIT YOU WITH THE RITUAL,
LYRICAL BLAST FROM
THE ROUGH INDIVIDUAL ♪
♪ MOVING THE CROWD ALWAYS
A MUST WHEN I BUST THE MIKE ♪
♪ GET ON THE DANCE FLOOR
PEOPLE, DO WHAT YOU LIKE ♪
♪ SO, PARTY PEOPLE AND THE
PLACE TO BE IT'S STOP ONE, MONEY ♪
♪ ROCKIN' THE M.I.C. COME
ON ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪ [Grunts]
♪ IT'S LIKE THAT IT'S
LIKE THAT, Y'ALL ♪
♪ YEAH, COME ON, COME ON ♪ ♪
IT'S LIKE THAT IT'S LIKE THAT, Y'ALL ♪♪
, WHEN I WAS LIVIN' IN SPACE,
I DIDN'T SEE A WOMAN
FOR TWO YEARS,
AND YET I STILL
MAINTAINED MY SANITY.
HOW? BY DRINKIN' THIS POWDERED
BEVERAGE DEVELOPED BY NASA.
IT SMELLS AND IS FLAVORED
JUST LIKE A WOMAN,
BUT WITH HALF THE CALORIES
AND TWICE THE PROTEIN.
[Sighs]
AND IT SURE GOES DOWN EASY TOO.
[Sighs]
[Man] NOW, FROM THE MAKERS
OF ORANGE-GINA AND NASTEA...
COMES THE NEW POWDERED
DRINK, MINUTE MAIDEN...
ALREADY IN USE IN PRISONS
THROUGHOUT AMERICA.
TAKE A LOOK AT HOW THESE
HARDENED CONVICTS RESPOND.
FIRST, WITHOUT A STEADY
DIET OF MINUTE MAIDEN.
NOW THESE SAME PRISONERS
AFTER A NUTRITIONALLY
BALANCED BREAKFAST
PLUS MINUTE MAIDEN.
REMINDS YOU OF A WOMAN,
BUT MADE FOR A MAN.
I LIKE IT TOO.
THERE'S ALSO A NEW POWDERED DRINK THAT'S
FLAVORED JUST LIKE A FELLA: MINUTE MAN.
DRINK IT AT NIGHT, AND IT WILL
STILL BE THERE IN THE MORNING.
AND BEST OF ALL, IT'S 100% SAFE.
I KNOW THEY CALL
IT MINUTE MAIDEN,
BUT IT SURE SEEMS
LIKE SHANIQUA TO ME.
OKAY. WHO'S THE PRANKSTER
THAT GAVE ME THE WRONG FLAVOR?
♪ OH, BEAUTIFUL ♪
♪ FOR SPACIOUS SKIES ♪
[Man] MINUTE MAIDEN
AND MINUTE MAN:
PERHAPS THE NEXT BEST
THING TO BEING THERE.
GREETINGS, AMERICAN HOMEOWNERS.
I AM ITAHO, MASTER
NINJA WARRIOR...
AND FOUNDER OF NUMBER-ONE
HOME-PROTECTION DEVICE:
SILENT BUT DEADLY AMERICAN
NINJA HOME SECURITY SYSTEM.
IT ONLY SECURITY SYSTEM THAT
WORK SILENTLY, WITH NO NOISY ALARMS...
OR ELECTRIC EYE-BEAMS TO SET.
THAT BECAUSE SILENT BUT DEADLY RELIES
ON THE ANCIENT NINJA ART OF SURPRISE.
WATCH.
[Grunts]
[Air Whooshing]
HEY, WHY DON'T YOU STICK AROUND?
[Snickers Softly] HEY,
YOU LIKE FAMILY JEWELS?
APPARENTLY NOT.
[Ninja] SURE HOPE
HE LIKES THE SUSHI!
[Blows]
OOPS!
THAT WAS OWNER OF HOUSE.
DON'T WORRY. HE'LL BE OKAY.
I ONLY USE KNOCKOUT POISON.
YOU SEE, I TOLD YOU. YOU
GET GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP...
ONE WAY OR ANOTHER WITH
THE NINJA SECURITY SYSTEM.
SO CALL ME, ITAHO,
AT 1-800-BANZAI...
AND ORDER SILENT BUT
DEADLY SECURITY SYSTEM...
FOR YOUR HOME TODAY,
OR I WILL KILL MYSELF!
JUST KIDDING. 'KAY,
YOU FINISHED WITH THAT?
HEY THERE, LITTLE BOY. I
SAID, "HEY THERE, LITTLE BOY."
WELL, YOU MAY BE IGNORING
ME NOW, BUT I'M TAKING STEROIDS.
AND STEROIDS MAKE
MY BODY BALLOON UP,
AND THEY ALSO GIVE ME
THE STRENGTH OF 20 MEN.
SO WHILE YOU MAY
CHOOSE TO IGNORE ME NOW,
[Growling] PRETTY SOON I'LL BE
SO PUMPED UP AND BLOATED,
YOU'LL HAVE NO CHOICE
BUT TO PAY ATTENTION TO ME.
COME HERE, STUD PANTS!
LET'S PLAY MISSILE SILO.
TEN, NINE, EIGHT, SEVEN, SIX...
AFTER A WHILE, THE STEROIDS WILL BEGIN
TO AFFECT MY BODY'S INNER MECHANISMS.
MY OVARIES WILL SHRINK
TO THE SIZE OF TINY RAISINS,
AND I'LL ALSO HAVE
KIDNEY FAILURE.
THEN, PRETTY SOON, I'LL BE DOING PUBLIC
SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS AGAINST STEROIDS.
THEN I REALLY START
TO DETERIORATE.
[Growling]
[Shrieking]
[Shrieking Fades, Stops]
BUT THAT WHOLE "BODY
FALLING APART" THING,
THAT'S STILL A GOOD
FIVE OR SIX YEARS AWAY.
IN THE MEANTIME, VERA SAYS,
"LIVE FAST, DIE
YOUNG AND PRETTY."
[Whinnies]
[Man] STEROIDS: LIVE FAST,
DIE YOUNG AND PRETTY.
♪♪ [Hip-hop]
MOM! DAD! IS ANYBODY HOME?
[Man] MACAULAY CULKIN'S
AT IT AGAIN, BUT THIS TIME...
- HEY, MACAULAY,
CAN I COME IN AND PLAY?
- [Screams]
[Man] HE'S HOME ALONE
AGAIN WITH MICHAEL JACKSON.
GEE, MICHAEL, I'D
LIKE TO LET YOU IN, BUT
MY PARENTS SAID I
COULDN'T HAVE ANYONE OVER.
I SENT YOUR PARENTS TO THE BAHAMAS.
WE'VE GOT THE WHOLE HOUSE TO OURSELVES.
WELL, I'M A BIG STAR NOW. WHAT
HAPPENS IF MY CAREER FALLS APART?
- YOU GONNA DUMP ME
LIKE WEBSTER?
- NO, P.Y.T.
WE CAN BE FRIENDS FOREVER. I'LL EVEN
LET YOU PLAY WITH ONE OF MY OLD NOSES.
SURE. OKAY.
YOU CAN COME IN, I GUESS.
[Sizzling] OW!
- YES!
- HEE-HEE! OW!
LET ME IN. I'VE GOT SOME
NAKED PICTURES OF MY SISTER.
WHO DOESN'T? WHY DON'T
YOU JUST BEAT IT, MICHAEL?
HEY, THAT SOUNDS LIKE
A GREAT IDEA, MACAULAY.
[Gunshot] HEE-HOO!
♪ I'M HURT BAD I'M HURT BAD ♪
♪ HURT BAD HURT BAD ♪
YES! ♪ HEE-HEE, OOH-HOO ♪
COME ON, MACAULAY. OPEN UP.
I'LL LET YOU PLAY WITH MY MONKEY.
OR BETTER YET, WE
CAN BLOW BUBBLES.
OKAY, MICHAEL. IF YOU
REALLY WANT TO, COME ON IN.
♪ EEH-HEE EEH-HEE-HEE ♪
- YES!
- ♪ EEH-HEE ♪
WHAT IS THIS? A
PEPSI COMMERCIAL?
I KNOW. LET'S PLAY AT MY HOUSE.
I'LL LET YOU PLAY WITH THE ELEPHANT MAN.
WE CAN TAKE A NAP IN MY OXYGEN CHAMBER.
COME ON. PLEASE. I
WANNA SEE YOU MOON-WALK.
[Screaming]
♪ PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE ♪
[Man] HOME ALONE AGAIN...
COMING THIS HOLIDAY SEASON...
TO A THEATER NEAR YOU.
YO, THESE BROTHERS I'M ABOUT TO BRING
TO THE STAGE... WHERE THEY FROM, TWIST?
THE BOOGIE-DOWN
BRONX, MY HOMETOWN.
THE DEF JAM RECORDING ARTISTS ARE
NOT ONLY NICE, BUT THEY... BUT SMOOTH.
SO LET'S GIVE IT UP
FOR NICE & SMOOTH!
OH, YEAH! WHAT'S
UP, Y'ALL? HELLO.
COME ON. OH, YEAH. COME ON.
COME ON. COME ON. COME ON. ♪ I GOT A
FUNKY, FUNKY RHYME WITH A FUNKY STYLE ♪
- ♪ I GOT A FUNKY, FUNKY RHYME
WITH A FUNKY STYLE ♪
- COME ON. COME ON.
♪ I GOT A FUNKY RHYME
WITH A FUNKY, FUNKY STYLE ♪
♪ AND A FUNKY RHYME WITH A
FUNKY, FUNKY STYLE ♪ KICK IT!
♪ PETE'S RICKETY ROCKET
WAS MY FAVORITE CARTOON ♪
♪ AFTER MARRIAGE THE HONEYMOON ♪
♪ I'LL BE DAMNED GAG
ME WITH A SPOON ♪
♪ WHO LOVES POPEYE
ALICE THE GOON ♪
♪ GREG NICE MY LIFE'S
LIKE A FAIRY TALE ♪
♪ ORCA WAS A GREAT, BIG WHALE ♪
[Grunts] ♪ WAS A GREAT BIG WHALE ♪
♪ I KNEW A FAT GIRL
WHO BROKE THE SCALE ♪
♪ YOU WON'T TELL I WON'T TELL ♪
♪ I GOT OUT OF MY
BED ABOUT 8:00 ♪
♪ AND THEN I CALLED GREG NICE 'CAUSE
IT WASN'T TOO LATE ♪ WHAT? DO WHAT?
♪ TO GET SOME FRIENDS AND
COME AROUND THE BLOCK ♪
♪ 'CAUSE, MAN ♪ ♪ MY GRIP
IS LARGER THAN A ROCK ♪
♪ NOW, I DON'T BEG
'CAUSE I'M NOT A BEGONIA ♪
♪ I DRESS WARM SO THAT I
WON'T CATCH PNEUMONIA ♪
♪ MY RHYMES ARE
STRONGER THAN AMMONIA ♪
♪ AND I'M A DIAMOND
YOU'RE A CUBIC ZIRCONIA ♪
I WANT EVERYBODY TO JUST THROW
YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR! COME ON. COME ON.
FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF.
I SAY "HEY"! I SAY "HEY," "HUH."
I SAY "HEY-HO." I SAY
"HEY-HO." COME ON. COME ON.
- I NEED SOMEBODY! ANYBODY! HELP ME!
- COME ON! COME ON! ANYBODY!
- COME ON! COME ON!
- SCREAM!
- [Audience Cheers]
[Grunts] ♪ AS I TAKE HER TO THE
BRIDGE AS I TAKE HER TO THE BRIDGE ♪
OH, YEAH! GIVE 'EM A LITTLE
PIECE OF SOMETHIN'. CHECK IT OUT.
♪ I'M GREG NICE ♪
♪ AND I AM M.C. SMOOTH "B" ♪
[Both] ♪ TOGETHER WE ARE NICE &
SMOOTH WITH PROVEN HARMONY ♪
♪ AND JUST IN CASE YOU
WONDER WHAT WENT WRONG ♪
♪ WE'LL SAY THAT WE'RE SORRY
FOR KEEPING YOU WAITING SO LONG ♪
♪ COUNTRY'S AT WAR LITTLE
KIDS CRY RAPE SOME LYIN', DYIN' ♪
- ♪ CRYIN', PULLIN' ON MY CAPE ♪
- ♪ MASSIVE MELTDOWN
BRING THE RED TAPE ♪
♪ BACK UP, VICTIMS
WHO CAUSED THE THING ♪
♪ A NEW L.P., TIME TO MAKE TAPES
GET THE ALBUM, SINGLE CD AND TAPE ♪
♪ WE'RE STYLIN', PROFILIN'
SMILIN', AS THE DOUGH KEEPS PILIN' ♪
- ♪ SOMEBODY'S KNOCKIN'
AT MY DOOR ♪
- YO, WHO IS IT?
♪ SOMEBODY'S RINGIN' MY
BELL OH, WHAT THE HELL ♪
[Both] ♪ FLIPPIN' MY WIG
LIKE I NEVER DID BEFORE ♪
♪ GOT MORE RHYMES
THAN THE MIGHTY THOR ♪
♪ OUT THE DOOR ♪
SAY "HEY"!
COME ON! COME ON! SAY "HEY"!
♪ I LIKE IT SAY "I
LIKE IT" ♪ COME ON!
♪ SAY "I LOVE IT" ♪
[Grunts]
♪ SAY "I NEED IT" ♪
COME ON!
NICE & SMOOTH, '91, "HIP-HOP
JUNKIES." DEF JAM, COLUMBIA. WE OUT.
- WE LOVE Y'ALL!
- OH, YEAH!
[Audience Cheers]
[Grunts] SEND ME TO THE BRIDGE.
YEAH!
HOMELESS... THEIR YOUNG LIVES...
SLOWLY WASTING AWAY.
HELLO. I'M SALLY STRUTHERS,
AND EACH YEAR WE LOSE ANOTHER HANDFUL
OF AMERICA'S MOST VALUABLE COMMODITY:
CHILD TV STARS.
IMAGINE YOURSELF A
CHILD ON A HIT TV SERIES.
YOU REACH PUBERTY,
YOUR SHOW IS CANCELED...
AND YOUR PARENTS HAVE
SPENT ALL YOUR MONEY.
GOD, THE STENCH OF
FAILURE IS SICKENING.
YOU TURN INTO A GUN NUT,
MAKE BAD CAREER CHOICES:
DRUG ADDICTION,
ATTEMPTED MURDER,
EVEN TRANSVESTITE-BASHING.
ALL HOPE IS LOST.
BUT NOW, THANKS
TO YOU, THERE'S HOPE.
FOR JUST 75 CENTS A DAY...
THE PRICE OF A CUP OF COFFEE...
THE ADOPT A TV CHILD
FOUNDATION HELPS...
GET THESE KIDS BACK ON TRACK.
WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR 75 CENTS?
IT HELPS TO PUT YOUR TV CHILD BACK IN
THE ENVIRONMENT HE'S FAMILIAR WITH...
SO HE CAN COPE WITH HIS FAILURE.
IT PAYS FOR ACTING LESSONS TO HELP
PREPARE FOR 20-YEAR REUNION SPECIALS,
PLUS LAWYERS' FEES, TALK
SHOW TRANSPORTATION...
AND, OF COURSE,
BAIL IF NECESSARY.
MOST IMPORTANT, IT KEEPS YOUR
CHILD COMFORTABLE AND HAPPY.
[Sighs] HI. I'M DANNY
BONADUCE. [Coughs]
I USED TO BE INTO
TRANSVESTITE PROSTITUTES.
NOW, WITH THE HELP OF
ADOPT A TV CHILD FOUNDATION,
I'M INTO STRAIGHT PROSTITUTES.
THANKS. THANK YOU, DANNY.
WITH A SMALL DONATION,
YOU'LL BE ABLE...
TO WATCH YOUR TV CHILD
GROW STRONG AND HEALTHY.
WHO KNOWS? THEY MAY
EVEN LAND ANOTHER TV SERIES.
SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
SEND IN YOUR 75 CENTS,
AND ADOPT A TV CHILD TODAY.
JUST CALL:
DO IT NOW.
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP AND
SIP ON A DREAM ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE ON A
FUNKY SCENE ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO ♪♪
[Man] HEY, GUY. HAVE YOU EVER
GONE TO BED WITH A WOMAN...
WHO YOU THOUGHT
LOOKED LIKE ROBIN GIVENS,
BUT WHEN YOU WAKE UP,
LOOKS MORE LIKE ROBIN LEACH?
[Screeches] [Man] THAT'S WHAT
YOU CALL "COYOTE UGLY,"
BECAUSE YOU'D GNAW YOUR OWN
ARM OFF TO GET OUT OF THERE. [Chewing]
WELL, CHEW NO LONGER, BECAUSE THE
NEW COYOTE UGLY ESCAPE KIT IS HERE.
COYOTE UGLY ESCAPE KIT IS THE
DISPOSABLE PROSTHETIC ARM YOU ATTACH...
BEFORE YOU GO TO BED
WITH THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE.
SIMPLY FASTEN THE
REALISTIC, STYLISH COYOTE ARM,
AND YOU'RE ALL SET FOR
THOSE RUDE AWAKENINGS.
[Woman] WHAT'S KEEPIN' YOU, BABY? I
NEED YOUR LOVIN' ARMS AROUND ME!
NO PROBLEM, THANKS TO
THE COYOTE UGLY ESCAPE KIT.
[Man] AT THE MOMENT OF REVULSION,
SIMPLY UNFASTEN THE HINGES,
AND YOU'RE FREE AND
CLEAR, WITH NO MESSY TORN
LIGAMENTS OR UNPLEASANT
ARTERIAL BLEEDING.
YES, COYOTE UGLY PROMISES A
HAPPY HUMP WITH NO BLOODY STUMP.
SO REMEMBER, GUYS: WITH COYOTE
BRAND, YOU CAN SAY FAREWELL TO ARMS...
AND FAREWELL TO
LAST NIGHT'S NIGHTMARE.
[Howling]
[Drums Beating]
[Man] K.Y.Y.T. PRESENTS A
MINORITY-AFFAIRS PROGRAM, BLACK LIKE YOU.
HERE ARE YOUR HOSTS, TOM AND
TOM, THE BROTHERS BROTHERS.
[Loud Cheering] WHOO!
HOLA. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
WELCOME TO BLACK
LIKE YOU. NOT US.
[Sighs] OH, BOY.
WELL, I'M SO EXCITED TONIGHT,
TOM. WE HAVE A VERY SPECIAL GUEST:
AFRICAN FILMMAKER SPIKE LEE.
OH, WOW! THAT'S GREAT! I LOVED
ALL THOSE KARATE MOVIES HE MADE.
[Karate Yells] ENTER
THE DRAGON... TOM!
WHAT? I THINK YOU
POPPED A BONER.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
SPIKE LEE, NOT BRUCE LEE.
YOU KNOW... SPIKE, THE LITTLE GUY
WITH THE SKINNY LEGS AND BIG FEET?
OH, THE TROUBLEMAKER.
SHALL WE BRING HIM
OUT? SURE. BRING HIM OUT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
SPIKE LEE! COME ON OUT, SPIKEY.
HOW ARE YA, SPIKEY? HE'S A
LOT TALLER THAN I THOUGHT.
NO. YOUR KNEES ARE NOT
AS BIG AS I THOUGHT EITHER.
- NO, MAN. I'M NOT SPIKE LEE.
- ALL RIGHT, MR. SINGLETON.
- LET'S GET RIGHT TO IT.
- I'M NOT JOHN SINGLETON EITHER.
WELL, YOU'RE CERTAINLY NOT ROBERT
TOWNSEND. YOUR NOSE IS TOO SMALL.
WHAT OTHER AFRICAN
FILMMAKER IS THERE OUT THERE?
I DON'T KNOW. HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU'RE THAT LONG DONG SILVER GUY.
YOU'D BETTER GET OFF
OUR SHOW RIGHT NOW.
I'M PERPLEXED, TOM. IT SAYS
HERE HE'S AN AFRIN... AFRO... AF...
IT JUST SCARES ME,
THIS BLACK STUFF.
HE'S AN AFRO-AMERICAN FILMMAKER.
WELL, I DON'T EVEN SEE
AN AFRO. WHERE IS IT?
IN THE SHOP, GETTIN'
THE KINKS OUT?
HEY, LOOK, MAN. MY NAME IS MORGAN CASEY,
AND I'M AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN FILMMAKER,
AND I'M HERE TO TALK ABOUT THE
PROBLEMS RELEVANT TO BLACKS AND MOVIES.
WELL, LET'S DO THAT. LET'S
TALK ABOUT BLACKS AND FILMS.
WHY DO THOSE PEOPLE
TALK SO LOUD IN THE MOVIE?
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, THEY'RE
ALWAYS THROWING POPCORN,
AND I'M SITTING BEHIND
SOME GUY WITH A
JHERI CURL, AND IT'S
DRIPPING IN MY POPCORN.
I WANT BUTTER, NOT
JHERI CURL JUICE.
THEY'RE BOTH SO GREASY, YOU CAN'T
REALLY TELL THE DIFFERENCE, CAN YOU?
LOOK, MAN. THAT'S NOT IT. SEE, THERE IS A
LACK OF ROLES FOR AFRICAN-AMERICANS...
IN FILM AND IN TELEVISION, AND
THAT'S WHAT I'M HERE TO TALK ABOUT.
COME ON. WHAT ABOUT
AMERICA'S MOST WANTED?
GOOD POINT. THAT'S ALL YOU
EVER SEE ARE BLACK GUYS ON THAT.
AND WHAT ABOUT
THE SHOW COPS? HECK,
IF THEY TOOK THE BLACK GUYS OFF
THAT, WE WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE A SHOW.
AND WHAT ABOUT THE MOVIE
THAT WAS JUST OUT... LOJACK CITY...
WITH THAT GUY... WHAT'S-HIS-NAME...
ICE COLD? ICE CREAM.
YOU GUYS ARE ALL WRONG. IT'S NEW
JACK CITY. NEW JACK CITY AND ICE-T.
OH, WE DON'T HAVE ANY ICED
TEA. WE HAVE SOME KOOL-AID.
WE GOT THE RED KIND.
YOU LIKE THAT, DON'T YA?
LOOK, WHAT I BEEN TRYIN' TO SAY IS
THAT BLACK AMERICANS ARE PORTRAYED...
ONLY AS CRIMINALS,
SLAVES, PORCH MONKEYS...
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE. HOT-DIGGITY-DARN,
YOU HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! TOM, TOM, TOM,
YOU'RE LOSING YOUR...
YOUR, UM... TOM...
PRESSURE. IT'S NOTHING...
WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT...
IS NOTHING BUT SOME TOE
JAM AND PEENIE CHEESE! [Gasps]
CAN WE GET AWAY WITH THAT?
I MEAN, I'M REALLY MAD, TOM. I DON'T EVER
WANNA HEAR ANYONE PUT DOWN SLAVERY.
THAT'S RIGHT. I MEAN, WHEN
YOU THINK ABOUT SLAVERY...
AND YOU THINK ABOUT UNEMPLOYMENT
TODAY, YOU ASK YOURSELF,
"MR. LINCOLN, WHAT
WERE YOU THINKIN'?"
THAT'S RIGHT. AND IF IT
WASN'T FOR SLAVERY, PAL,
YOU WOULDN'T BE IN THIS
COUNTRY MAKIN' FILMS.
YOU'D BE BACK IN AFRICA MAKING
SOME NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC FILM...
WITH SOME NATIVE WOMAN WITH HER
BOOBIES SWINGIN' ALL OVER THE PLACE.
OH, GOSH. THE HORROR, TOM! ACK!
COULD I SPEAK? CAN
I TALK? CAN I TALK?
THAT MIGHT BE BAD, BUT AT LEAST I WOULDN'T
HAVE SOME WHITE STUDIO EXECUTIVE...
TELLIN' ME WHAT I CAN DO
WITH THE FINAL CUT OF MY FILM.
LET ME SHOW YOU A CLIP OF THE WORK I DID
BEFORE THE STUDIO GOT THEIR HANDS ON IT.
I HATE WHEN THESE ANGRY
BLACK PEOPLE BRING CLIPS.
THEY'RE NEVER
FUNNY. NEVER FUNNY.
YOUR EYES ARE THE THUNDER,
AND OUT OF HERE I'LL GO,
FOR I TOO AM MAD,
AND I BID YOU TALLYHO.
[Snoring] TOM?
WE'RE GONNA SHOW THE OTHER... YOU SHOULD'VE
DID THE SPIKE LEE ENDING: "WAKE UP!"
[Both Laughing]
WELL, ANYWAY, LET ME SHOW YOU
WHAT THE STUDIO DID TO THAT SCENE.
YO, I'S IN THE THUNDERBIRD.
GET YO' BUTT OUT
HERE SO WE CAN GO,
'FOR I GET MAD AND HIT YOU,
TACKY HO.
BRAVO! BRAVO! OH, I LOVE IT!
MAN, THAT WAS WACK. THAT'S
UNBELIEVABLE, AIN'T IT? WACK.
I HAVEN'T SEEN WORK LIKE THAT
SINCE... SINCE JIMMY WALKER...
WAS IN THAT MOVIE WITH, UM,
WHAT'S-HIS-NAME... SIDNEY "PORTIER."
DO IT AGAIN OR SOMETHING. DO YOU REMEMBER
THE RIVETING SCENE WITH ANTONIO FARGAS...
KICKING THAT PROSTITUTE UP AND DOWN
THE STREET AND ACROSS 110th STREET?
THAT WAS IT.
MAN, YOU GUYS ARE WACK.
YOU GUYS ARE NOTHIN' BUT...
A BUNCH OF BOBO-BUTT-KISSIN'
BONZO BROTHERS, MAN.
I'M OUT OF HERE. YOU
NEED A BACKBEAT FOR THAT?
[Imitates Percussive Backbeat]
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE
BUTT-KISSIN', BOBO BROTHERS...
DO A BEAUTIFUL BALLAD, HUH?
I'M ALL WITH THAT. LET'S GO.
MAESTRO. OUR
INSTRUMENTS, PLEASE.
HIT IT, TOM.
♪♪ [Folk]
♪ BLACK FELLAS IN MOVIES
SHOULD JUST KNOW THEIR PLACE ♪
♪ THERE'S PLENTY OF GOOD
ROLES FOR PEOPLE OF RACE ♪
♪ THERE'S MUGGERS AND
PUSHERS AND HOOKERS IN LACE ♪
♪ JUST TAP-DANCE AND SHUFFLE
A SMILE ON YOUR FACE ♪♪
GOOD WHITE,
EVERYBODY! GOOD WHITE!
♪♪ [Percussion]
[Man] YEAH. ♪ COME
ON, HELLO, HELLO ♪
♪ IT'S THE ILL BROTHER WITH THE
ILL FLOW INTRODUCIN' THE DYNAMO ♪
♪ IT'S SUBLIME WHEN I
HIT YOU WITH THE RITUAL,
LYRICAL BLAST FROM
THE ROUGH INDIVIDUAL ♪
♪ MOVING THE CROWD ALWAYS
A MUST WHEN I BUST THE MIKE ♪
♪ GET ON THE DANCE FLOOR
PEOPLE, DO WHAT YOU LIKE ♪
♪ SO, PARTY PEOPLE AND THE
PLACE TO BE IT'S STOP ONE, MONEY ♪
♪ ROCKIN' THE M.I.C. COME
ON ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪ [Grunts]
♪ IT'S LIKE THAT IT'S
LIKE THAT, Y'ALL ♪
♪ YEAH, COME ON, COME ON ♪ ♪
IT'S LIKE THAT IT'S LIKE THAT, Y'ALL ♪♪
, WHEN I WAS LIVIN' IN SPACE,
I DIDN'T SEE A WOMAN
FOR TWO YEARS,
AND YET I STILL
MAINTAINED MY SANITY.
HOW? BY DRINKIN' THIS POWDERED
BEVERAGE DEVELOPED BY NASA.
IT SMELLS AND IS FLAVORED
JUST LIKE A WOMAN,
BUT WITH HALF THE CALORIES
AND TWICE THE PROTEIN.
[Sighs]
AND IT SURE GOES DOWN EASY TOO.
[Sighs]
[Man] NOW, FROM THE MAKERS
OF ORANGE-GINA AND NASTEA...
COMES THE NEW POWDERED
DRINK, MINUTE MAIDEN...
ALREADY IN USE IN PRISONS
THROUGHOUT AMERICA.
TAKE A LOOK AT HOW THESE
HARDENED CONVICTS RESPOND.
FIRST, WITHOUT A STEADY
DIET OF MINUTE MAIDEN.
NOW THESE SAME PRISONERS
AFTER A NUTRITIONALLY
BALANCED BREAKFAST
PLUS MINUTE MAIDEN.
REMINDS YOU OF A WOMAN,
BUT MADE FOR A MAN.
I LIKE IT TOO.
THERE'S ALSO A NEW POWDERED DRINK THAT'S
FLAVORED JUST LIKE A FELLA: MINUTE MAN.
DRINK IT AT NIGHT, AND IT WILL
STILL BE THERE IN THE MORNING.
AND BEST OF ALL, IT'S 100% SAFE.
I KNOW THEY CALL
IT MINUTE MAIDEN,
BUT IT SURE SEEMS
LIKE SHANIQUA TO ME.
OKAY. WHO'S THE PRANKSTER
THAT GAVE ME THE WRONG FLAVOR?
♪ OH, BEAUTIFUL ♪
♪ FOR SPACIOUS SKIES ♪
[Man] MINUTE MAIDEN
AND MINUTE MAN:
PERHAPS THE NEXT BEST
THING TO BEING THERE.
GREETINGS, AMERICAN HOMEOWNERS.
I AM ITAHO, MASTER
NINJA WARRIOR...
AND FOUNDER OF NUMBER-ONE
HOME-PROTECTION DEVICE:
SILENT BUT DEADLY AMERICAN
NINJA HOME SECURITY SYSTEM.
IT ONLY SECURITY SYSTEM THAT
WORK SILENTLY, WITH NO NOISY ALARMS...
OR ELECTRIC EYE-BEAMS TO SET.
THAT BECAUSE SILENT BUT DEADLY RELIES
ON THE ANCIENT NINJA ART OF SURPRISE.
WATCH.
[Grunts]
[Air Whooshing]
HEY, WHY DON'T YOU STICK AROUND?
[Snickers Softly] HEY,
YOU LIKE FAMILY JEWELS?
APPARENTLY NOT.
[Ninja] SURE HOPE
HE LIKES THE SUSHI!
[Blows]
OOPS!
THAT WAS OWNER OF HOUSE.
DON'T WORRY. HE'LL BE OKAY.
I ONLY USE KNOCKOUT POISON.
YOU SEE, I TOLD YOU. YOU
GET GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP...
ONE WAY OR ANOTHER WITH
THE NINJA SECURITY SYSTEM.
SO CALL ME, ITAHO,
AT 1-800-BANZAI...
AND ORDER SILENT BUT
DEADLY SECURITY SYSTEM...
FOR YOUR HOME TODAY,
OR I WILL KILL MYSELF!
JUST KIDDING. 'KAY,
YOU FINISHED WITH THAT?
HEY THERE, LITTLE BOY. I
SAID, "HEY THERE, LITTLE BOY."
WELL, YOU MAY BE IGNORING
ME NOW, BUT I'M TAKING STEROIDS.
AND STEROIDS MAKE
MY BODY BALLOON UP,
AND THEY ALSO GIVE ME
THE STRENGTH OF 20 MEN.
SO WHILE YOU MAY
CHOOSE TO IGNORE ME NOW,
[Growling] PRETTY SOON I'LL BE
SO PUMPED UP AND BLOATED,
YOU'LL HAVE NO CHOICE
BUT TO PAY ATTENTION TO ME.
COME HERE, STUD PANTS!
LET'S PLAY MISSILE SILO.
TEN, NINE, EIGHT, SEVEN, SIX...
AFTER A WHILE, THE STEROIDS WILL BEGIN
TO AFFECT MY BODY'S INNER MECHANISMS.
MY OVARIES WILL SHRINK
TO THE SIZE OF TINY RAISINS,
AND I'LL ALSO HAVE
KIDNEY FAILURE.
THEN, PRETTY SOON, I'LL BE DOING PUBLIC
SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS AGAINST STEROIDS.
THEN I REALLY START
TO DETERIORATE.
[Growling]
[Shrieking]
[Shrieking Fades, Stops]
BUT THAT WHOLE "BODY
FALLING APART" THING,
THAT'S STILL A GOOD
FIVE OR SIX YEARS AWAY.
IN THE MEANTIME, VERA SAYS,
"LIVE FAST, DIE
YOUNG AND PRETTY."
[Whinnies]
[Man] STEROIDS: LIVE FAST,
DIE YOUNG AND PRETTY.
♪♪ [Hip-hop]
MOM! DAD! IS ANYBODY HOME?
[Man] MACAULAY CULKIN'S
AT IT AGAIN, BUT THIS TIME...
- HEY, MACAULAY,
CAN I COME IN AND PLAY?
- [Screams]
[Man] HE'S HOME ALONE
AGAIN WITH MICHAEL JACKSON.
GEE, MICHAEL, I'D
LIKE TO LET YOU IN, BUT
MY PARENTS SAID I
COULDN'T HAVE ANYONE OVER.
I SENT YOUR PARENTS TO THE BAHAMAS.
WE'VE GOT THE WHOLE HOUSE TO OURSELVES.
WELL, I'M A BIG STAR NOW. WHAT
HAPPENS IF MY CAREER FALLS APART?
- YOU GONNA DUMP ME
LIKE WEBSTER?
- NO, P.Y.T.
WE CAN BE FRIENDS FOREVER. I'LL EVEN
LET YOU PLAY WITH ONE OF MY OLD NOSES.
SURE. OKAY.
YOU CAN COME IN, I GUESS.
[Sizzling] OW!
- YES!
- HEE-HEE! OW!
LET ME IN. I'VE GOT SOME
NAKED PICTURES OF MY SISTER.
WHO DOESN'T? WHY DON'T
YOU JUST BEAT IT, MICHAEL?
HEY, THAT SOUNDS LIKE
A GREAT IDEA, MACAULAY.
[Gunshot] HEE-HOO!
♪ I'M HURT BAD I'M HURT BAD ♪
♪ HURT BAD HURT BAD ♪
YES! ♪ HEE-HEE, OOH-HOO ♪
COME ON, MACAULAY. OPEN UP.
I'LL LET YOU PLAY WITH MY MONKEY.
OR BETTER YET, WE
CAN BLOW BUBBLES.
OKAY, MICHAEL. IF YOU
REALLY WANT TO, COME ON IN.
♪ EEH-HEE EEH-HEE-HEE ♪
- YES!
- ♪ EEH-HEE ♪
WHAT IS THIS? A
PEPSI COMMERCIAL?
I KNOW. LET'S PLAY AT MY HOUSE.
I'LL LET YOU PLAY WITH THE ELEPHANT MAN.
WE CAN TAKE A NAP IN MY OXYGEN CHAMBER.
COME ON. PLEASE. I
WANNA SEE YOU MOON-WALK.
[Screaming]
♪ PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE ♪
[Man] HOME ALONE AGAIN...
COMING THIS HOLIDAY SEASON...
TO A THEATER NEAR YOU.
YO, THESE BROTHERS I'M ABOUT TO BRING
TO THE STAGE... WHERE THEY FROM, TWIST?
THE BOOGIE-DOWN
BRONX, MY HOMETOWN.
THE DEF JAM RECORDING ARTISTS ARE
NOT ONLY NICE, BUT THEY... BUT SMOOTH.
SO LET'S GIVE IT UP
FOR NICE & SMOOTH!
OH, YEAH! WHAT'S
UP, Y'ALL? HELLO.
COME ON. OH, YEAH. COME ON.
COME ON. COME ON. COME ON. ♪ I GOT A
FUNKY, FUNKY RHYME WITH A FUNKY STYLE ♪
- ♪ I GOT A FUNKY, FUNKY RHYME
WITH A FUNKY STYLE ♪
- COME ON. COME ON.
♪ I GOT A FUNKY RHYME
WITH A FUNKY, FUNKY STYLE ♪
♪ AND A FUNKY RHYME WITH A
FUNKY, FUNKY STYLE ♪ KICK IT!
♪ PETE'S RICKETY ROCKET
WAS MY FAVORITE CARTOON ♪
♪ AFTER MARRIAGE THE HONEYMOON ♪
♪ I'LL BE DAMNED GAG
ME WITH A SPOON ♪
♪ WHO LOVES POPEYE
ALICE THE GOON ♪
♪ GREG NICE MY LIFE'S
LIKE A FAIRY TALE ♪
♪ ORCA WAS A GREAT, BIG WHALE ♪
[Grunts] ♪ WAS A GREAT BIG WHALE ♪
♪ I KNEW A FAT GIRL
WHO BROKE THE SCALE ♪
♪ YOU WON'T TELL I WON'T TELL ♪
♪ I GOT OUT OF MY
BED ABOUT 8:00 ♪
♪ AND THEN I CALLED GREG NICE 'CAUSE
IT WASN'T TOO LATE ♪ WHAT? DO WHAT?
♪ TO GET SOME FRIENDS AND
COME AROUND THE BLOCK ♪
♪ 'CAUSE, MAN ♪ ♪ MY GRIP
IS LARGER THAN A ROCK ♪
♪ NOW, I DON'T BEG
'CAUSE I'M NOT A BEGONIA ♪
♪ I DRESS WARM SO THAT I
WON'T CATCH PNEUMONIA ♪
♪ MY RHYMES ARE
STRONGER THAN AMMONIA ♪
♪ AND I'M A DIAMOND
YOU'RE A CUBIC ZIRCONIA ♪
I WANT EVERYBODY TO JUST THROW
YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR! COME ON. COME ON.
FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF.
I SAY "HEY"! I SAY "HEY," "HUH."
I SAY "HEY-HO." I SAY
"HEY-HO." COME ON. COME ON.
- I NEED SOMEBODY! ANYBODY! HELP ME!
- COME ON! COME ON! ANYBODY!
- COME ON! COME ON!
- SCREAM!
- [Audience Cheers]
[Grunts] ♪ AS I TAKE HER TO THE
BRIDGE AS I TAKE HER TO THE BRIDGE ♪
OH, YEAH! GIVE 'EM A LITTLE
PIECE OF SOMETHIN'. CHECK IT OUT.
♪ I'M GREG NICE ♪
♪ AND I AM M.C. SMOOTH "B" ♪
[Both] ♪ TOGETHER WE ARE NICE &
SMOOTH WITH PROVEN HARMONY ♪
♪ AND JUST IN CASE YOU
WONDER WHAT WENT WRONG ♪
♪ WE'LL SAY THAT WE'RE SORRY
FOR KEEPING YOU WAITING SO LONG ♪
♪ COUNTRY'S AT WAR LITTLE
KIDS CRY RAPE SOME LYIN', DYIN' ♪
- ♪ CRYIN', PULLIN' ON MY CAPE ♪
- ♪ MASSIVE MELTDOWN
BRING THE RED TAPE ♪
♪ BACK UP, VICTIMS
WHO CAUSED THE THING ♪
♪ A NEW L.P., TIME TO MAKE TAPES
GET THE ALBUM, SINGLE CD AND TAPE ♪
♪ WE'RE STYLIN', PROFILIN'
SMILIN', AS THE DOUGH KEEPS PILIN' ♪
- ♪ SOMEBODY'S KNOCKIN'
AT MY DOOR ♪
- YO, WHO IS IT?
♪ SOMEBODY'S RINGIN' MY
BELL OH, WHAT THE HELL ♪
[Both] ♪ FLIPPIN' MY WIG
LIKE I NEVER DID BEFORE ♪
♪ GOT MORE RHYMES
THAN THE MIGHTY THOR ♪
♪ OUT THE DOOR ♪
SAY "HEY"!
COME ON! COME ON! SAY "HEY"!
♪ I LIKE IT SAY "I
LIKE IT" ♪ COME ON!
♪ SAY "I LOVE IT" ♪
[Grunts]
♪ SAY "I NEED IT" ♪
COME ON!
NICE & SMOOTH, '91, "HIP-HOP
JUNKIES." DEF JAM, COLUMBIA. WE OUT.
- WE LOVE Y'ALL!
- OH, YEAH!
[Audience Cheers]
[Grunts] SEND ME TO THE BRIDGE.
YEAH!