In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 3, Episode 20 - Club Ozone - full transcript
HI! I'M KATHIE LEE GIFFORD.
IF YOU'RE A BUSY PERSON LIKE ME, YOU'D
LOVE THAT DEEP, DARK SAINT-TROPEZ TAN,
BUT YOU JUST DON'T HAVE THE THREE TO
FOUR WEEKS TO LIE IN THE SUN AND GET IT.
WELL, HERE'S THE GOOD NEWS.
NOW NATURE'S LOSS IS YOUR
GAIN AT FAST-TANNING CLUB OZONE.
♪ BA-BA, DA-DA-DA ♪ IF MY
FRIENDS COULD SEE ME NOW!
OF COURSE, MY FRIENDS
PROBABLY CAN'T SEE ME...
BECAUSE THEIR RETINAS
HAVE BEEN BURNT TO A CRISP.
WE'VE PEELED BACK THE EARTH'S
STRATOSPHERE HERE AT CLUB OZONE...
SO YOU CAN GET THE
DEEP, DARK TAN YOU WANT...
IN JUST 15 MINUTES.
AND OUR PATENTED PLUMPERS
TELL YOU WHEN YOU'RE DONE.
OUR SPECIAL AEROSOL TANNING OIL
NOT ONLY BURNS YOU TO THE BONE,
BUT ALSO HELPS BURN AWAY
THAT UNWANTED OZONE LAYER.
OOPS. LOOKS LIKE THIS ONE
GOT A LITTLE OVERDONE. [Laughing]
[Man] HI. I'M A BUSY EXECUTIVE.
YOU KNOW, IN JUST 15
MINUTES AT CLUB OZONE,
I GOT SUCH A DEEP, DEEP TAN...
THAT WHEN I WENT HOME, I GOT
PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE TWICE,
AND THE BANK EVEN
RECALLED MY LOAN.
AND IT'S MY BANK!
NOW, THAT'S WHAT I CALL A TAN.
CLUB OZONE. WE'RE YOUR
FAST-TANNING VACATION SPOT.
CLUB OZONE, EXPANDING
SOON TO A LOCATION NEAR YOU.
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP
AND SIP ON A DREAM ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE
ON A FUNKY SCENE ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO ♪♪
OH, YO. WHAT'S UP, MAN?
HEY, MAN. HOW'S IT GOING?
NOTHIN'. SCHOOL'S OUT,
MAN. SUMMER VACATION.
NO MORE TEACHERS FOR
THE WHOLE THREE MONTHS.
I KNOW, AND NO MORE MR. MACAFEE.
YOU MEAN MAC-A-FEEBLE.
♪♪ [Loud Tones] ALL
RIGHT, PEOPLE. FREEZE!
NO NEED TO WORRY, PEOPLE,
'CAUSE AL MACAFEE'S HERE.
ONE OF THE FEW, THE PROUD,
THE McBURGER SECURITY GUARDS.
YOU KNOW OUR MOTTO: "KEEP YOUR EYES
ON THE FRIES AND OUR GUNS ON YOUR BUNS."
COME ON! I SAW THAT, YOU LITTLE LINE
CROSSER. DON'T MAKE ME CHASE YOU.
OH, MAN. IT'S TIME YOU HEARD
MACAFEE'S SPEECH ON CUTTING LINE.
DON'T TRY DOING CUT-SIES OR I'LL
HANG MY FOOT IN YOUR LITTLE BUTT-SIE.
WITH WHAT, YOUR FRANKEN-FOOT?
OH, OH! I HEARD THAT.
YOU BETTER CURB YOUR TONGUE,
LITTLE MAN, OR YOU'LL BE OUT ON THE CURB.
- GIVE ME A BREAK, MAN.
- OH, YEAH, YOU DESERVE
A BREAK TODAY.
RIGHT ON YOUR NOGGIN!
NOW, GET LOST, ZIGGY MARLEY.
ALL RIGHT, TROUBLEMAKERS!
OFF THE PREMISES.
YOU BETTER MIND YOUR BUSINESS, SUGAR
FOOT, BEFORE I BREAK THAT DuPONT LEG.
OH, ARE YOU A BULLY, SON?
THAT'S WHAT MY MOTHER TOLD ME.
ALL RIGHT, SON. TAKE A PUNCH
AT A REAL MAN. COME ON, BOY! OH!
NOW, YOU MAKE ME SICK,
YOU LITTLE RAPSCALLION.
I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU
TO LEAVE THE PREMISES.
THERE ARE PEOPLE STARVING, AND YOU
THINK IT'S FUNNY PLAYING WITH YOUR FOOD?
THOSE BULLIES BEAT ME UP!
EXCUSE ME, SON? BULLIES?
THOSE BULLIES. I
DON'T SEE ANY BULLIES.
NEXT THING YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME THAT THE
BURGER KING HIMSELF IS IN THE BACK ROOM...
SHOWING ALL THE
KIDS HIS WHOPPER.
GET OUT OF HERE, YOU RAT BOY!
HEY! WE WEREN'T
DONE WITH THAT YET!
MY RETAINER WAS IN THAT
TRAY! HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, MISSY.
DON'T MAKE ME CHASE YOU.
YOU WANT A HAMBURGER?
YOU'LL MARCH RIGHT UP TO
THE COUNTER AND PAY FOR IT.
YOU THREW MY RETAINER IN THERE.
OH, I THOUGHT I HEARD
THAT. YOU MAKE ME SICK.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH A BIRTH
CONTROL DEVICE IN THE FIRST PLACE?
YOU WANT SOME BIRTH CONTROL,
LITTLE LADY? I'LL GIVE YOU BIRTH CONTROL.
CLOSE YOUR DRIVE-THROUGH WINDOW,
KEEP YOUR TWO HANDS OFF THE WHOPPER,
AND MAYBE YOU WON'T
BE KNOCKED UP NEXT TIME.
NOW, TAKE A HIKE, YOU LITTLE
TROLLOP, AND TAKE YOUR PIMP WITH YOU.
JUNGLE FEVER'S ONE THING,
BUT THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
OH, GLORY BE.
RUTHIE, MY OWN SPECIAL SAUCE.
GUESS YOU GOT YOURSELF A BIG
MAC ATTACK, DIDN'T YOU, HONEY?
BOY, I'D LIKE TO BE A
CABOOSE ON THIS LOVE TRAIN.
HEY! STOP! RIDE UP ON IT.
I'M JUST GETTING MY LUNCH, AND YOUR UGLY
FACE MAKES ME WANT TO SPIT UP MY BREAKFAST.
OH, RUTHIE, I WISH I HADN'T
SEEN THAT. SEEN WHAT?
WHAT? YOU STOLE
SOME EXTRA NAPKINS.
WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT? STRAWS, HONEY?
I CAN GET YOU ALL THE STRAWS YOU WANT.
YOU KNOW I'M A SECURITY GUARD.
AL, DID SOMEBODY KNOCK YOU UPSIDE YOUR
HEAD WHEN YOU WERE A KID OR SOMETHING?
I'M GONNA LET YOU GO THIS TIME,
BUT PROMISE ME YOU'LL GET SOME HELP.
LIKE MAYBE I CAN COME
OVER TO YOUR HOUSE TONIGHT,
SHOW YOU SOMETHING ELSE TO DO WITH THOSE
HANDS BESIDES THE FIVE-FINGER DISCOUNT?
COME ON, BABY.
I'D LET TED BUNDY, THE BOSTON STRANGLER
AND JACK THE RIPPER GIVE ME HELP...
BEFORE I'D LET YOU NEAR ME.
SO, YOU'RE INTO
WHITE BOYS, ARE YOU?
HOW 'BOUT GIVING THE OLD
MAC TRUCK A TEST DRIVE?
YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY. DON'T START
THE ENGINE IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA DRIVE IT.
DOORBELL! OW!
I WON, I WON! I WON $10,000!
ALL RIGHT. HOLD IT RIGHT THERE,
URKEL. LET ME SEE THIS THING.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
GAMBLING AT YOUR AGE, SON?
IT'S NOT GAMBLING. IT'S A
SCRATCH-OFF GAME CARD, MR. MACAFEE.
SCRATCH-AND-SNIFF CARD, SON?
[Snorting] I DON'T SMELL ANYTHING.
IT'S A GAME CARD, AND I'M GONNA USE
THE MONEY TO PUT TOWARDS MY TUITION.
MY FATHER NEVER WENT TO COLLEGE, AND
HIS FATHER NEVER WENT TO COLLEGE EITHER.
IT'S NO REASON NONE OF YOU WENT TO COLLEGE.
YOU'RE A FAMILY FULL OF KNUCKLEHEADS!
MR. MACAFEE... LET ME
TELL YOU SOMETHING.
THAT'S REASON ENOUGH NOT TO GET
INTO GAMBLING. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
ONE DAY IT'S GAME CARDS, AND THE
NEXT YOU'RE A BAGMAN FOR THE DAMN MOB.
[Sniffling] LET ME GIVE YOU
MR. MACAFEE'S SPEECH ON GAMBLING.
SON, DON'T RELY ON LADY LUCK
'CAUSE SHE'S NOTHING BUT A TRAMP.
NOW GET LOST.
YEAH, I THINK I TOLD HIM WHO'S IN
CHARGE HERE. AL MACAFEE, THAT'S WHO.
EXCUSE ME.
DID I JUST HEAR YOU SAY YOU'RE IN
CHARGE HERE? YOU GOT IT, BUCKO.
UH-UH. AND YOU'RE JUST THE ONLY
SECURITY GUARD FOR THE ENTIRE RESTAURANT?
BETCHA BY GOLLY WOW!
YOU GOT ONE OF THEM BIG OLD
GUNS? NO, SIRREE DE BOBBLEWINKLES.
JUST 21 YEARS OF JUJITSU
AND MY LITTLE CAN OF MACE.
YEAH, I GOT TWO YEARS IN
THE PEN AND SIX BULLETS.
OH, GOD. OH, GOD!
WE'RE BEING ROBBED!
[Screaming] MAYBE YOU HEARD
MACAFEE'S SPEECH ON COOPERATION?
ASK ME ONCE, AND
I'LL DO IT TWICE.
SHUT UP. EMPTY THE
REGISTERS. COME ON.
I'D LIKE TO MOVE FASTER,
SON, BUT I'VE GOT A BUM LEG.
♪♪ [Dance] [Grunting]
HELLO, EVERYONE!
I'M RICHARD SIMMONS,
AND I'VE SPENT A LOT OF TIME
AND MADE A LOT OF MONEY...
MAKING OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE CRY
ON ALL MY ANNOYING DIET SHOWS.
AND NOW I'M BACK WITH
A BRAND-NEW DIET PLAN.
BUT FIRST, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET
SOMEONE WHO'S REALLY SPECIAL,
A REAL INSPIRATION,
AMOEBA STANDSTILL.
WAIT TILL YOU SEE THIS ONE!
AMOEBA, HOW ARE YOU?
HI, RICHARD. HELLO,
EVERYONE. YOU KNOW, RICHARD...
[Grunting] IT'S OKAY,
AMOEBA. REST YOUR NECK.
SHE TRIES SO HARD!
RICHARD, BEFORE I JOINED YOUR
NEW SHED A BED DIET PROGRAM,
ALL I USED TO DO WAS
THINK ABOUT FOOD.
I MEAN, AFTER SEX, MY HUSBAND
WOULD GO SMOKE A CIGARETTE,
AND I'D SMOKE A HAM.
YOUR HUSBAND HAD
SEX WITH YOU? EWWW!
WHAT A GUY.
AND I WAS ON TOP.
RICHARD, I'VE DROPPED FROM A
KING-SIZE TO A QUEEN-SIZE BED.
MY GOAL IS TO BE IN A FULL-SIZE
BED BY THE END OF THE YEAR,
AND I KNOW I CAN
DO IT, I KNOW I CAN!
I KNOW YOU CAN TOO,
AMOEBA! [Screaming]
BUT LISTEN, HONEY, YOU'RE
GONNA HAVE TO START CRYING SOON.
WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME.
♪♪ [Piano] JUST ONCE,
I'D LIKE TO HAVE GONE TO
THE BEACH FOR A SWIM...
WITHOUT HAVING JAPANESE
FISHERMEN TRYING TO HARPOON ME.
CAN YOU BLAME THEM?
BUT NOW THAT I'M DIETING,
I CAN VISUALIZE MYSELF
LYING ON A TROPICAL BEACH,
THE SUN BEATING DOWN ON
ME, SHIMMERING IN SIMSIM OIL...
WITH A THONG BIKINI
JUST STUCK UP MY BEHIND.
EWW! WHAT IS THIS?
THIS LOOKS LIKE WHAT
DAVID SLEW GOLIATH WITH.
[Imitates Slinging]
THE WEIGHT WASN'T JUST A PROBLEM
FOR ME, BUT FOR MY FAMILY AS WELL.
I GUESS YOU CAN SAY I
OWE A LOT TO MY HUSBAND...
WHO I THOUGHT
DESERTED ME IN 1982.
BUT AFTER I LOST 200
POUNDS, I FOUND HIM...
RIGHT UNDER MY ARMPIT!
I BET HE CRIED WHEN THE
SEARCH PARTY GAVE UP!
ALL WE CAN SAY IS...
[Both] THANK YOU, SHED
A BED DIET PROGRAM!
AND THANK YOU, RICHARD.
WELL, THAT'S AMOEBA'S STORY.
SHED A BED DIET PROGRAM.
TAKE IT ONE TON AT A TIME!
COME ON, STUD. I'M WEARING
LICORICE BIKINIS TONIGHT.
SORRY. I ATE THE BRA ALREADY.
GIRL, STOP IT! COME ON!
♪♪ [Funk]
♪♪ [Record Scratching]
[Man Rapping, Echoing] ♪
DON'T MIND ME, DO IT ♪
♪ DON'T MIND ME, DO IT ♪
♪♪ [Scratching]
♪♪ [Ends]
♪♪ [Pop]
SEWELL PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
OOH, AIN'T NOTHING
LIKE A REUNION...
TO BRING BACK SOME OF MISS
BENITA'S GOOD OLD MEMORIES.
- IS THAT YOU?
- YOU KNOW IT IS!
[Both Squealing]
EXCUSE ME!
HEY, LOOKEE THERE! THERE'S STAYVON
EVANS AND HIS CHILDHOOD SWEETHEART.
HEY, STAYVON! DIDN'T YOU TWO
GET MARRIED IN THE 10th GRADE?
THAT'S RIGHT. AHH.
I AIN'T NEVER MET NO MAN WHO'S
BEEN FAITHFUL TO HIS WIFE FOR 20 YEARS.
[Laughing]
AND STILL HAVEN'T. MM-HMM.
ONLY THING STAYVON'S BEEN
FAITHFUL TO IS THE TROJAN COMPANY.
MM-HMM. THAT MAN DONE CLEARED
MORE DRAINS THAN ROTO-ROOTER.
BUT I AIN'T ONE TO GOSSIP, SO
YOU AIN'T HEARD THAT FROM ME.
[Gasps] TENETHA SCOTT!
LOOK AT YOU! FIFTEEN YEARS,
AND YOU AIN'T AGED A DAY!
YOU GONNA LET ME IN ON
YOUR SECRETS? [Laughing]
LET ME IN ON THE NAME OF
HER SURGEON'S MORE LIKE IT.
THAT GIRL'S DONE SEEN MORE
KNIVES THAN A CHEF AT BENIHANA'S.
SKIN PULLED SO TIGHT, SHE
CAN'T SMILE WITHOUT PASSIN' GAS.
BUT I AIN'T ONE TO GOSSIP, SO
YOU AIN'T HEARD THAT FROM ME.
NO, YOU HAVEN'T. [Gasps]
DIMBALE HUMPHREY! DIMBALE!
DI-DI-DI-DI-DI-DI-DI... DIMBALE!
OH, LOOK AT ALL THEM
LETTERS ON YOUR JACKET.
YOU ALWAYS WAS THE FASTEST
MAN ON THE TRACK TEAM.
[Laughing]
FASTEST MAN IN THE
BEDROOM TOO. MM-HMM.
HE'S QUICKER ON THE
TRIGGER THAN THE L.A.P.D.
BUT I AIN'T ONE TO GOSSIP, SO
YOU AIN'T HEARD THAT FROM ME.
MR. STURGES!
OH, 'MEMBER LITTLE
BENITA? REMEMBER?
YOU MADE ME FEEL SO GOOD 'CAUSE I
WAS LEFT-HANDED, AND I WAS SO ASHAMED,
BUT YOU MADE ME FEEL SO GOOD.
YOU SAID YOU WERE
LEFT-HANDED TOO. REMEMBER? AHH.
MM-HMM. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS I
WAS USING MY LEFT HAND TO WRITE.
BUT I AIN'T ONE TO GOSSIP, SO
YOU AIN'T HEARD THAT FROM ME.
OH! OH! TONGANIKA JACKSON.
GUESS WHO! UH, GIVE ME A HINT.
YOUR PRIZE CHEERLEADER.
LISA? GIRL!
UH, I'M SORRY. I WAS THE CAPTAIN
OF THE SQUAD. I DON'T REMEMBER YOU.
THEN I GUESS I'M JUST GONNA
HAVE TO REFRESH YOUR MEMORY.
[Chanting] NOW, I AIN'T ONE
TO GOSSIP, I AIN'T ONE TO RAG,
BUT YOUR QUARTERBACK IS UGLY,
AND YOUR GRANDMOTHER SAGS!
[Vocalizing]
ARE YOU SURE YOU
WERE ON THE SQUAD?
I WASN'T EXACTLY ON THE SQUAD,
BUT I DID TRY OUT EIGHT TIMES.
THEN I DECIDED I HAD
TO BETTER MYSELF.
SO WHILE THEM HEIFERS WERE
OUT THERE SHAKING THEIR COOCHIE,
MS. BENITA WAS IN THE BOILER'S
ROOM SELLING BARBECUED PIGS' FEET...
AND DISPOSABLE DOUCHE BAGS.
MM-HMM. THAT'S RIGHT, HONEY. I'M
GONNA HAVE ME SOME POCKET CHANGE.
♪♪ [Stereo: Man Vocalizing]
OOH, HONEY! THAT'S MY SONG!
I CAN'T SIT STILL WHEN
SMOKEY'S CROONIN'.
HEY, EXCUSE ME. YOU'RE
WELCOME TO CUT IN.
UH... NO, I WAS LOOKING
FOR... UH, WHOA, NOW.
I'M LOOKING FOR MISS JENKINS.
DON'T YOU SAY NOTHIN'
BAD ABOUT MISS JENKINS.
MISS JENKINS? COME ON. THAT WAS THE
WORST HISTORY TEACHER WE EVER HAD.
[Gasping]
DON'T YOU SAY NOTHIN'
BAD ABOUT MISS JENKINS!
SHE'S LIKE A MOTHER TO
ME. LIKE A MOTHER TO ME!
SHE'S A FINE WOMAN! FINE WOMAN!
JUST DON'T LET
HER PUT ON A BIKINI.
WOMAN GOT ENOUGH HAIR ON HER
BOOTY TO GIVE HERSELF A JHERI CURL.
BUT I AIN'T ONE TO GOSSIP, SO YOU AIN'T
HEARD THAT FROM ME. NO, YOU HAVEN'T.
♪♪ [Hip-hop]
[Woman] HEY, BABY, YOU WANNA
GO OUT? DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID?
I SAID COME HERE.
♪♪ [Continues]
♪♪ [Ends]
♪ IT'S RAININ' MEN, HALLELUJAH
♪ [Announcer] AND NOW,
PUBLIC ACCESS TELEVISION CHANNEL
53 PRESENTS: MEN ON VACATION.
HELLO. I'M BLAYNE EDWARDS.
AND I'M ANTOINE MERRYWETHER.
[In Unison] AND WELCOME
TO MEN ON VACATION.
TODAY WE'LL BE REVIEWING
OUR LITTLE EUROPEAN VACATION.
FROM A MALE POINT OF VIEW.
HERE WE ARE ON OUR LAST STOP ON OUR
WHIRLWIND GALLIVANT THROUGH EUROPA.
WAIT A MINUTE. WE
GOT A NEW SPONSOR.
SOMEBODY BETTER
CHECK THEIR MAIL.
TONIGHT'S BROADCAST IS
BROUGHT TO YOU BY JEWELS,
THE GUM THAT
EXPLODES IN YOUR MOUTH.
I BET YOU JUST CAN'T CHEW ONE.
AND WHO'D WANT TO?
WE STARTED OUR
LITTLE TRIP IN GREECE.
THE GREEK "PEOPLES" WAS SO NICE.
YES. THEY BENT OVER BACKWARDS
TO SHOW US A GOOD TIME.
OH, LOOK. EXCUSE ME.
NOT YOU, FISH. YOU
GO BACK IN THE SEA.
GARÇON.
OH, MAY I HAVE
ANOTHER WALLBANGER?
- AND FOR MONSIEUR?
- OUI, OUI.
BOTTOMS UP. DITTO.
IS THAT LITTLE RICKY SCHRODER? WHAT'S
HE DOIN' HERE? DON'T LET HIM SEE ME.
WHO'S THAT WITH HIM? YOU
KNOW, I THINK THAT'S ERIK ESTRADA.
OH, WELL. ANYWAY. NEXT WE
WENT TO HOLLAND, LAND OF DIKES.
[In Unison] HATED IT!
AND FROM THERE, IT WAS
ON TO MERRY OLD ENGLAND.
REMEMBER BIG BEN? OH,
HOW COULD I FORGET IT?
IT WAS SO NICE OF HIM TO
SHOW US AROUND THE CITY.
EXCUSE ME. BIG BEN WAS A CLOCK.
WELL, WE BOTH KNOW
WHAT TIME THAT WAS.
YOU'D BETTER STOP.
YOU KNOW, IT'S SO CHILLY OUT
HERE, MY NIPPLES ARE HARD.
THEN IT WAS JUST A HOP, SKIP
AND JUMP ON TO GAY PARIS,
BUT WE DECIDED TO GO
BACK TO GREECE INSTEAD.
AND THEN IT WAS ON TO SCOTLAND.
YOU KNOW, I FOUND IT TO
BE QUITE AN OPEN SOCIETY...
WHERE "MENS" ARE FREE TO EXPLORE
THE FEMININE SIDE OF THEIR NATURE.
ALL THOSE HAIRY LEGS AND
SKIRTS HOLDIN' THEM BAGPIPES.
MM-HMM. NOT SINCE THE FIRE
ISLAND HALLOWEEN BARN DANCE...
HAVE I SEEN SO MANY MEN IN DRAG.
JUST A HINT, FELLAS:
PLAID IS OUT THIS FALL.
OUR NEXT STOP WAS SWEDEN, BEST
KNOWN FOR ITS BEAUTIFUL, BUXOM BLONDES.
[In Unison] HATED IT!
SO WE WENT BACK TO GREECE.
BUT IT WAS VERY SAD WHEN WE HAD
TO LEAVE OUR SOLDIER BUDDIES BEHIND...
AND TRAVEL TO OUR FINAL
DESTINATION: THE FRENCH RIVIERA,
WHICH IS WHERE
WE'VE BEEN EVER SINCE.
OH, YES. AND TO SUM UP OUR LITTLE
EUROPEAN VACATION, WE'RE GONNA HAVE...
TO GIVE THE WHOLE TRIP A NEW AND
IMPROVED AROUND-THE-WORLD-AND-BACK SNAP.
TELL A FRIEND.
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK, WHEN WE'LL
BE BACK IN THE GOOD OLD U.S. OF A...
REVIEWING THE NEW
RELEASE, MEMPHIS BELLE.
IT'S THE STORY OF 10 YOUNG
"MENS" IN LEATHER JACKETS,
ALL SWEATY, STANDIN'
NEXT TO EACH OTHER...
AND THEM LONG, HARD BOMBS CRAMMED
TOGETHER IN A LITTLE OLD COCKPIT.
WELL, GREASE MY LANDING
GEAR, I'M COMING IN FOR A LANDING.
TOODLE-OO! SEE
YOU NEXT WEEK! BYE!
♪ IT'S RAININ' MEN, HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ IT'S RAININ' MEN, AMEN ♪
♪ I'M GONNA GO OUT ♪♪
TONIGHT'S SPECIAL GUEST, WE
GOT SHABBA RANKS AND MAXI PRIEST.
YEAH!
♪ FALSE PRETENDER ♪
♪ STOP PRETENDING ♪
♪ ALL GIRLS SAY THEY
LOVE I'M SINGING ♪
♪ WATCH THIS ♪
♪ AIN'T NO USE PRETENDING ♪
♪ YOU DON'T FEEL THE
WAY I DO ♪ ♪ CHECK IT ♪
♪ WITH THIS MESSAGE
THAT YOUR BODY'S SENDING ♪
♪ I CAN TELL YOU WANT IT TOO ♪
♪ WHY DO YOU WANNA HIDE
THE WAY YOU FEEL INSIDE ♪
♪ YOU'RE TOO LATE
TO TURN BACK NOW ♪
♪ EVERY LITTLE TOUCH
IT MEANS SO MUCH ♪
♪ SO, GIRL, JUST LET
ME SHOW YOU HOW ♪
♪ YOUR BODY CAN'T LIE TO ME ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I KNOW JUST WHAT
YOU'RE NEEDING ♪ ♪ UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ YOUR BODY CAN'T LIE TO ME ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE IN NEED
OF SEXUAL HEALING ♪
♪♪ [Vocalizing]
♪ EXTREME LOVE THAT
YOU CANNOT COMPLAIN OF ♪
♪ I'M THE BOILER MAN YOU
DON'T STOP CALL MY NAME ♪
♪ I'M LIKE THE BLOOD
CIRCULATING BY VEIN ♪
♪ IF FEEL SHABBA YOU
JUST HOLLER ME NAME ♪
♪ LET MY CARESSES
TAKE YOU PLACES ♪
♪ WHERE YA NEVER BEEN BEFORE ♪
♪ IN YOUR EDGE OF YOUR
DESIRE ♪ ♪ I'M COMIN' AT YA ♪
♪ WHERE YOU'LL WANT
IT MORE AND MORE ♪
♪ WELL, DO YOU WANNA
FIGHT TURN OUT THE LIGHT ♪
♪ COME, LET'S MAKE
TONIGHT THE NIGHT ♪
♪ THERE'S NO RESISTING
LOVE IS INSISTING ♪
♪ COME, LET'S MAKE IT RIGHT
TONIGHT ♪ ♪♪ [Vocalizing]
♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues]
♪ I'M THE DOCTOR ♪
♪ SHABBA ♪
♪ NOT A HEARTBREAKER
CHA-LA-LA-LAY ♪
♪ I'M A LOVE MAKER ♪
♪ SHABBA ♪
♪ I LOVE ENOUGH
NOT TO SHAPE HER ♪
♪ TELL THEM BECAUSE SHE ARE
THE WOMAN AND ME ARE THE MAN ♪
♪ AND SHE'S LIKE A PATIENT
IN THE DOCTOR'S HAND ♪
♪ IT'S LIKE A COMPUTER
SOCIAL PROGRAM ♪
♪ GO TELL THE WORLD
SHE WANT A LOVIN' MAN ♪
♪ YOUR BODY CAN'T LIE TO ME ♪
♪ YOUR BODY CAN'T LIE TO ME ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE IN NEED
OF SEXUAL HEALING ♪
♪ HEY ♪
♪ HOUSECALL ♪
♪ AND YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEAN
♪ ♪ WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA ♪♪
IF YOU'RE A BUSY PERSON LIKE ME, YOU'D
LOVE THAT DEEP, DARK SAINT-TROPEZ TAN,
BUT YOU JUST DON'T HAVE THE THREE TO
FOUR WEEKS TO LIE IN THE SUN AND GET IT.
WELL, HERE'S THE GOOD NEWS.
NOW NATURE'S LOSS IS YOUR
GAIN AT FAST-TANNING CLUB OZONE.
♪ BA-BA, DA-DA-DA ♪ IF MY
FRIENDS COULD SEE ME NOW!
OF COURSE, MY FRIENDS
PROBABLY CAN'T SEE ME...
BECAUSE THEIR RETINAS
HAVE BEEN BURNT TO A CRISP.
WE'VE PEELED BACK THE EARTH'S
STRATOSPHERE HERE AT CLUB OZONE...
SO YOU CAN GET THE
DEEP, DARK TAN YOU WANT...
IN JUST 15 MINUTES.
AND OUR PATENTED PLUMPERS
TELL YOU WHEN YOU'RE DONE.
OUR SPECIAL AEROSOL TANNING OIL
NOT ONLY BURNS YOU TO THE BONE,
BUT ALSO HELPS BURN AWAY
THAT UNWANTED OZONE LAYER.
OOPS. LOOKS LIKE THIS ONE
GOT A LITTLE OVERDONE. [Laughing]
[Man] HI. I'M A BUSY EXECUTIVE.
YOU KNOW, IN JUST 15
MINUTES AT CLUB OZONE,
I GOT SUCH A DEEP, DEEP TAN...
THAT WHEN I WENT HOME, I GOT
PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE TWICE,
AND THE BANK EVEN
RECALLED MY LOAN.
AND IT'S MY BANK!
NOW, THAT'S WHAT I CALL A TAN.
CLUB OZONE. WE'RE YOUR
FAST-TANNING VACATION SPOT.
CLUB OZONE, EXPANDING
SOON TO A LOCATION NEAR YOU.
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP
AND SIP ON A DREAM ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE
ON A FUNKY SCENE ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO ♪♪
OH, YO. WHAT'S UP, MAN?
HEY, MAN. HOW'S IT GOING?
NOTHIN'. SCHOOL'S OUT,
MAN. SUMMER VACATION.
NO MORE TEACHERS FOR
THE WHOLE THREE MONTHS.
I KNOW, AND NO MORE MR. MACAFEE.
YOU MEAN MAC-A-FEEBLE.
♪♪ [Loud Tones] ALL
RIGHT, PEOPLE. FREEZE!
NO NEED TO WORRY, PEOPLE,
'CAUSE AL MACAFEE'S HERE.
ONE OF THE FEW, THE PROUD,
THE McBURGER SECURITY GUARDS.
YOU KNOW OUR MOTTO: "KEEP YOUR EYES
ON THE FRIES AND OUR GUNS ON YOUR BUNS."
COME ON! I SAW THAT, YOU LITTLE LINE
CROSSER. DON'T MAKE ME CHASE YOU.
OH, MAN. IT'S TIME YOU HEARD
MACAFEE'S SPEECH ON CUTTING LINE.
DON'T TRY DOING CUT-SIES OR I'LL
HANG MY FOOT IN YOUR LITTLE BUTT-SIE.
WITH WHAT, YOUR FRANKEN-FOOT?
OH, OH! I HEARD THAT.
YOU BETTER CURB YOUR TONGUE,
LITTLE MAN, OR YOU'LL BE OUT ON THE CURB.
- GIVE ME A BREAK, MAN.
- OH, YEAH, YOU DESERVE
A BREAK TODAY.
RIGHT ON YOUR NOGGIN!
NOW, GET LOST, ZIGGY MARLEY.
ALL RIGHT, TROUBLEMAKERS!
OFF THE PREMISES.
YOU BETTER MIND YOUR BUSINESS, SUGAR
FOOT, BEFORE I BREAK THAT DuPONT LEG.
OH, ARE YOU A BULLY, SON?
THAT'S WHAT MY MOTHER TOLD ME.
ALL RIGHT, SON. TAKE A PUNCH
AT A REAL MAN. COME ON, BOY! OH!
NOW, YOU MAKE ME SICK,
YOU LITTLE RAPSCALLION.
I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU
TO LEAVE THE PREMISES.
THERE ARE PEOPLE STARVING, AND YOU
THINK IT'S FUNNY PLAYING WITH YOUR FOOD?
THOSE BULLIES BEAT ME UP!
EXCUSE ME, SON? BULLIES?
THOSE BULLIES. I
DON'T SEE ANY BULLIES.
NEXT THING YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME THAT THE
BURGER KING HIMSELF IS IN THE BACK ROOM...
SHOWING ALL THE
KIDS HIS WHOPPER.
GET OUT OF HERE, YOU RAT BOY!
HEY! WE WEREN'T
DONE WITH THAT YET!
MY RETAINER WAS IN THAT
TRAY! HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, MISSY.
DON'T MAKE ME CHASE YOU.
YOU WANT A HAMBURGER?
YOU'LL MARCH RIGHT UP TO
THE COUNTER AND PAY FOR IT.
YOU THREW MY RETAINER IN THERE.
OH, I THOUGHT I HEARD
THAT. YOU MAKE ME SICK.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH A BIRTH
CONTROL DEVICE IN THE FIRST PLACE?
YOU WANT SOME BIRTH CONTROL,
LITTLE LADY? I'LL GIVE YOU BIRTH CONTROL.
CLOSE YOUR DRIVE-THROUGH WINDOW,
KEEP YOUR TWO HANDS OFF THE WHOPPER,
AND MAYBE YOU WON'T
BE KNOCKED UP NEXT TIME.
NOW, TAKE A HIKE, YOU LITTLE
TROLLOP, AND TAKE YOUR PIMP WITH YOU.
JUNGLE FEVER'S ONE THING,
BUT THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
OH, GLORY BE.
RUTHIE, MY OWN SPECIAL SAUCE.
GUESS YOU GOT YOURSELF A BIG
MAC ATTACK, DIDN'T YOU, HONEY?
BOY, I'D LIKE TO BE A
CABOOSE ON THIS LOVE TRAIN.
HEY! STOP! RIDE UP ON IT.
I'M JUST GETTING MY LUNCH, AND YOUR UGLY
FACE MAKES ME WANT TO SPIT UP MY BREAKFAST.
OH, RUTHIE, I WISH I HADN'T
SEEN THAT. SEEN WHAT?
WHAT? YOU STOLE
SOME EXTRA NAPKINS.
WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT? STRAWS, HONEY?
I CAN GET YOU ALL THE STRAWS YOU WANT.
YOU KNOW I'M A SECURITY GUARD.
AL, DID SOMEBODY KNOCK YOU UPSIDE YOUR
HEAD WHEN YOU WERE A KID OR SOMETHING?
I'M GONNA LET YOU GO THIS TIME,
BUT PROMISE ME YOU'LL GET SOME HELP.
LIKE MAYBE I CAN COME
OVER TO YOUR HOUSE TONIGHT,
SHOW YOU SOMETHING ELSE TO DO WITH THOSE
HANDS BESIDES THE FIVE-FINGER DISCOUNT?
COME ON, BABY.
I'D LET TED BUNDY, THE BOSTON STRANGLER
AND JACK THE RIPPER GIVE ME HELP...
BEFORE I'D LET YOU NEAR ME.
SO, YOU'RE INTO
WHITE BOYS, ARE YOU?
HOW 'BOUT GIVING THE OLD
MAC TRUCK A TEST DRIVE?
YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY. DON'T START
THE ENGINE IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA DRIVE IT.
DOORBELL! OW!
I WON, I WON! I WON $10,000!
ALL RIGHT. HOLD IT RIGHT THERE,
URKEL. LET ME SEE THIS THING.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
GAMBLING AT YOUR AGE, SON?
IT'S NOT GAMBLING. IT'S A
SCRATCH-OFF GAME CARD, MR. MACAFEE.
SCRATCH-AND-SNIFF CARD, SON?
[Snorting] I DON'T SMELL ANYTHING.
IT'S A GAME CARD, AND I'M GONNA USE
THE MONEY TO PUT TOWARDS MY TUITION.
MY FATHER NEVER WENT TO COLLEGE, AND
HIS FATHER NEVER WENT TO COLLEGE EITHER.
IT'S NO REASON NONE OF YOU WENT TO COLLEGE.
YOU'RE A FAMILY FULL OF KNUCKLEHEADS!
MR. MACAFEE... LET ME
TELL YOU SOMETHING.
THAT'S REASON ENOUGH NOT TO GET
INTO GAMBLING. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
ONE DAY IT'S GAME CARDS, AND THE
NEXT YOU'RE A BAGMAN FOR THE DAMN MOB.
[Sniffling] LET ME GIVE YOU
MR. MACAFEE'S SPEECH ON GAMBLING.
SON, DON'T RELY ON LADY LUCK
'CAUSE SHE'S NOTHING BUT A TRAMP.
NOW GET LOST.
YEAH, I THINK I TOLD HIM WHO'S IN
CHARGE HERE. AL MACAFEE, THAT'S WHO.
EXCUSE ME.
DID I JUST HEAR YOU SAY YOU'RE IN
CHARGE HERE? YOU GOT IT, BUCKO.
UH-UH. AND YOU'RE JUST THE ONLY
SECURITY GUARD FOR THE ENTIRE RESTAURANT?
BETCHA BY GOLLY WOW!
YOU GOT ONE OF THEM BIG OLD
GUNS? NO, SIRREE DE BOBBLEWINKLES.
JUST 21 YEARS OF JUJITSU
AND MY LITTLE CAN OF MACE.
YEAH, I GOT TWO YEARS IN
THE PEN AND SIX BULLETS.
OH, GOD. OH, GOD!
WE'RE BEING ROBBED!
[Screaming] MAYBE YOU HEARD
MACAFEE'S SPEECH ON COOPERATION?
ASK ME ONCE, AND
I'LL DO IT TWICE.
SHUT UP. EMPTY THE
REGISTERS. COME ON.
I'D LIKE TO MOVE FASTER,
SON, BUT I'VE GOT A BUM LEG.
♪♪ [Dance] [Grunting]
HELLO, EVERYONE!
I'M RICHARD SIMMONS,
AND I'VE SPENT A LOT OF TIME
AND MADE A LOT OF MONEY...
MAKING OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE CRY
ON ALL MY ANNOYING DIET SHOWS.
AND NOW I'M BACK WITH
A BRAND-NEW DIET PLAN.
BUT FIRST, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET
SOMEONE WHO'S REALLY SPECIAL,
A REAL INSPIRATION,
AMOEBA STANDSTILL.
WAIT TILL YOU SEE THIS ONE!
AMOEBA, HOW ARE YOU?
HI, RICHARD. HELLO,
EVERYONE. YOU KNOW, RICHARD...
[Grunting] IT'S OKAY,
AMOEBA. REST YOUR NECK.
SHE TRIES SO HARD!
RICHARD, BEFORE I JOINED YOUR
NEW SHED A BED DIET PROGRAM,
ALL I USED TO DO WAS
THINK ABOUT FOOD.
I MEAN, AFTER SEX, MY HUSBAND
WOULD GO SMOKE A CIGARETTE,
AND I'D SMOKE A HAM.
YOUR HUSBAND HAD
SEX WITH YOU? EWWW!
WHAT A GUY.
AND I WAS ON TOP.
RICHARD, I'VE DROPPED FROM A
KING-SIZE TO A QUEEN-SIZE BED.
MY GOAL IS TO BE IN A FULL-SIZE
BED BY THE END OF THE YEAR,
AND I KNOW I CAN
DO IT, I KNOW I CAN!
I KNOW YOU CAN TOO,
AMOEBA! [Screaming]
BUT LISTEN, HONEY, YOU'RE
GONNA HAVE TO START CRYING SOON.
WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME.
♪♪ [Piano] JUST ONCE,
I'D LIKE TO HAVE GONE TO
THE BEACH FOR A SWIM...
WITHOUT HAVING JAPANESE
FISHERMEN TRYING TO HARPOON ME.
CAN YOU BLAME THEM?
BUT NOW THAT I'M DIETING,
I CAN VISUALIZE MYSELF
LYING ON A TROPICAL BEACH,
THE SUN BEATING DOWN ON
ME, SHIMMERING IN SIMSIM OIL...
WITH A THONG BIKINI
JUST STUCK UP MY BEHIND.
EWW! WHAT IS THIS?
THIS LOOKS LIKE WHAT
DAVID SLEW GOLIATH WITH.
[Imitates Slinging]
THE WEIGHT WASN'T JUST A PROBLEM
FOR ME, BUT FOR MY FAMILY AS WELL.
I GUESS YOU CAN SAY I
OWE A LOT TO MY HUSBAND...
WHO I THOUGHT
DESERTED ME IN 1982.
BUT AFTER I LOST 200
POUNDS, I FOUND HIM...
RIGHT UNDER MY ARMPIT!
I BET HE CRIED WHEN THE
SEARCH PARTY GAVE UP!
ALL WE CAN SAY IS...
[Both] THANK YOU, SHED
A BED DIET PROGRAM!
AND THANK YOU, RICHARD.
WELL, THAT'S AMOEBA'S STORY.
SHED A BED DIET PROGRAM.
TAKE IT ONE TON AT A TIME!
COME ON, STUD. I'M WEARING
LICORICE BIKINIS TONIGHT.
SORRY. I ATE THE BRA ALREADY.
GIRL, STOP IT! COME ON!
♪♪ [Funk]
♪♪ [Record Scratching]
[Man Rapping, Echoing] ♪
DON'T MIND ME, DO IT ♪
♪ DON'T MIND ME, DO IT ♪
♪♪ [Scratching]
♪♪ [Ends]
♪♪ [Pop]
SEWELL PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
OOH, AIN'T NOTHING
LIKE A REUNION...
TO BRING BACK SOME OF MISS
BENITA'S GOOD OLD MEMORIES.
- IS THAT YOU?
- YOU KNOW IT IS!
[Both Squealing]
EXCUSE ME!
HEY, LOOKEE THERE! THERE'S STAYVON
EVANS AND HIS CHILDHOOD SWEETHEART.
HEY, STAYVON! DIDN'T YOU TWO
GET MARRIED IN THE 10th GRADE?
THAT'S RIGHT. AHH.
I AIN'T NEVER MET NO MAN WHO'S
BEEN FAITHFUL TO HIS WIFE FOR 20 YEARS.
[Laughing]
AND STILL HAVEN'T. MM-HMM.
ONLY THING STAYVON'S BEEN
FAITHFUL TO IS THE TROJAN COMPANY.
MM-HMM. THAT MAN DONE CLEARED
MORE DRAINS THAN ROTO-ROOTER.
BUT I AIN'T ONE TO GOSSIP, SO
YOU AIN'T HEARD THAT FROM ME.
[Gasps] TENETHA SCOTT!
LOOK AT YOU! FIFTEEN YEARS,
AND YOU AIN'T AGED A DAY!
YOU GONNA LET ME IN ON
YOUR SECRETS? [Laughing]
LET ME IN ON THE NAME OF
HER SURGEON'S MORE LIKE IT.
THAT GIRL'S DONE SEEN MORE
KNIVES THAN A CHEF AT BENIHANA'S.
SKIN PULLED SO TIGHT, SHE
CAN'T SMILE WITHOUT PASSIN' GAS.
BUT I AIN'T ONE TO GOSSIP, SO
YOU AIN'T HEARD THAT FROM ME.
NO, YOU HAVEN'T. [Gasps]
DIMBALE HUMPHREY! DIMBALE!
DI-DI-DI-DI-DI-DI-DI... DIMBALE!
OH, LOOK AT ALL THEM
LETTERS ON YOUR JACKET.
YOU ALWAYS WAS THE FASTEST
MAN ON THE TRACK TEAM.
[Laughing]
FASTEST MAN IN THE
BEDROOM TOO. MM-HMM.
HE'S QUICKER ON THE
TRIGGER THAN THE L.A.P.D.
BUT I AIN'T ONE TO GOSSIP, SO
YOU AIN'T HEARD THAT FROM ME.
MR. STURGES!
OH, 'MEMBER LITTLE
BENITA? REMEMBER?
YOU MADE ME FEEL SO GOOD 'CAUSE I
WAS LEFT-HANDED, AND I WAS SO ASHAMED,
BUT YOU MADE ME FEEL SO GOOD.
YOU SAID YOU WERE
LEFT-HANDED TOO. REMEMBER? AHH.
MM-HMM. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS I
WAS USING MY LEFT HAND TO WRITE.
BUT I AIN'T ONE TO GOSSIP, SO
YOU AIN'T HEARD THAT FROM ME.
OH! OH! TONGANIKA JACKSON.
GUESS WHO! UH, GIVE ME A HINT.
YOUR PRIZE CHEERLEADER.
LISA? GIRL!
UH, I'M SORRY. I WAS THE CAPTAIN
OF THE SQUAD. I DON'T REMEMBER YOU.
THEN I GUESS I'M JUST GONNA
HAVE TO REFRESH YOUR MEMORY.
[Chanting] NOW, I AIN'T ONE
TO GOSSIP, I AIN'T ONE TO RAG,
BUT YOUR QUARTERBACK IS UGLY,
AND YOUR GRANDMOTHER SAGS!
[Vocalizing]
ARE YOU SURE YOU
WERE ON THE SQUAD?
I WASN'T EXACTLY ON THE SQUAD,
BUT I DID TRY OUT EIGHT TIMES.
THEN I DECIDED I HAD
TO BETTER MYSELF.
SO WHILE THEM HEIFERS WERE
OUT THERE SHAKING THEIR COOCHIE,
MS. BENITA WAS IN THE BOILER'S
ROOM SELLING BARBECUED PIGS' FEET...
AND DISPOSABLE DOUCHE BAGS.
MM-HMM. THAT'S RIGHT, HONEY. I'M
GONNA HAVE ME SOME POCKET CHANGE.
♪♪ [Stereo: Man Vocalizing]
OOH, HONEY! THAT'S MY SONG!
I CAN'T SIT STILL WHEN
SMOKEY'S CROONIN'.
HEY, EXCUSE ME. YOU'RE
WELCOME TO CUT IN.
UH... NO, I WAS LOOKING
FOR... UH, WHOA, NOW.
I'M LOOKING FOR MISS JENKINS.
DON'T YOU SAY NOTHIN'
BAD ABOUT MISS JENKINS.
MISS JENKINS? COME ON. THAT WAS THE
WORST HISTORY TEACHER WE EVER HAD.
[Gasping]
DON'T YOU SAY NOTHIN'
BAD ABOUT MISS JENKINS!
SHE'S LIKE A MOTHER TO
ME. LIKE A MOTHER TO ME!
SHE'S A FINE WOMAN! FINE WOMAN!
JUST DON'T LET
HER PUT ON A BIKINI.
WOMAN GOT ENOUGH HAIR ON HER
BOOTY TO GIVE HERSELF A JHERI CURL.
BUT I AIN'T ONE TO GOSSIP, SO YOU AIN'T
HEARD THAT FROM ME. NO, YOU HAVEN'T.
♪♪ [Hip-hop]
[Woman] HEY, BABY, YOU WANNA
GO OUT? DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID?
I SAID COME HERE.
♪♪ [Continues]
♪♪ [Ends]
♪ IT'S RAININ' MEN, HALLELUJAH
♪ [Announcer] AND NOW,
PUBLIC ACCESS TELEVISION CHANNEL
53 PRESENTS: MEN ON VACATION.
HELLO. I'M BLAYNE EDWARDS.
AND I'M ANTOINE MERRYWETHER.
[In Unison] AND WELCOME
TO MEN ON VACATION.
TODAY WE'LL BE REVIEWING
OUR LITTLE EUROPEAN VACATION.
FROM A MALE POINT OF VIEW.
HERE WE ARE ON OUR LAST STOP ON OUR
WHIRLWIND GALLIVANT THROUGH EUROPA.
WAIT A MINUTE. WE
GOT A NEW SPONSOR.
SOMEBODY BETTER
CHECK THEIR MAIL.
TONIGHT'S BROADCAST IS
BROUGHT TO YOU BY JEWELS,
THE GUM THAT
EXPLODES IN YOUR MOUTH.
I BET YOU JUST CAN'T CHEW ONE.
AND WHO'D WANT TO?
WE STARTED OUR
LITTLE TRIP IN GREECE.
THE GREEK "PEOPLES" WAS SO NICE.
YES. THEY BENT OVER BACKWARDS
TO SHOW US A GOOD TIME.
OH, LOOK. EXCUSE ME.
NOT YOU, FISH. YOU
GO BACK IN THE SEA.
GARÇON.
OH, MAY I HAVE
ANOTHER WALLBANGER?
- AND FOR MONSIEUR?
- OUI, OUI.
BOTTOMS UP. DITTO.
IS THAT LITTLE RICKY SCHRODER? WHAT'S
HE DOIN' HERE? DON'T LET HIM SEE ME.
WHO'S THAT WITH HIM? YOU
KNOW, I THINK THAT'S ERIK ESTRADA.
OH, WELL. ANYWAY. NEXT WE
WENT TO HOLLAND, LAND OF DIKES.
[In Unison] HATED IT!
AND FROM THERE, IT WAS
ON TO MERRY OLD ENGLAND.
REMEMBER BIG BEN? OH,
HOW COULD I FORGET IT?
IT WAS SO NICE OF HIM TO
SHOW US AROUND THE CITY.
EXCUSE ME. BIG BEN WAS A CLOCK.
WELL, WE BOTH KNOW
WHAT TIME THAT WAS.
YOU'D BETTER STOP.
YOU KNOW, IT'S SO CHILLY OUT
HERE, MY NIPPLES ARE HARD.
THEN IT WAS JUST A HOP, SKIP
AND JUMP ON TO GAY PARIS,
BUT WE DECIDED TO GO
BACK TO GREECE INSTEAD.
AND THEN IT WAS ON TO SCOTLAND.
YOU KNOW, I FOUND IT TO
BE QUITE AN OPEN SOCIETY...
WHERE "MENS" ARE FREE TO EXPLORE
THE FEMININE SIDE OF THEIR NATURE.
ALL THOSE HAIRY LEGS AND
SKIRTS HOLDIN' THEM BAGPIPES.
MM-HMM. NOT SINCE THE FIRE
ISLAND HALLOWEEN BARN DANCE...
HAVE I SEEN SO MANY MEN IN DRAG.
JUST A HINT, FELLAS:
PLAID IS OUT THIS FALL.
OUR NEXT STOP WAS SWEDEN, BEST
KNOWN FOR ITS BEAUTIFUL, BUXOM BLONDES.
[In Unison] HATED IT!
SO WE WENT BACK TO GREECE.
BUT IT WAS VERY SAD WHEN WE HAD
TO LEAVE OUR SOLDIER BUDDIES BEHIND...
AND TRAVEL TO OUR FINAL
DESTINATION: THE FRENCH RIVIERA,
WHICH IS WHERE
WE'VE BEEN EVER SINCE.
OH, YES. AND TO SUM UP OUR LITTLE
EUROPEAN VACATION, WE'RE GONNA HAVE...
TO GIVE THE WHOLE TRIP A NEW AND
IMPROVED AROUND-THE-WORLD-AND-BACK SNAP.
TELL A FRIEND.
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK, WHEN WE'LL
BE BACK IN THE GOOD OLD U.S. OF A...
REVIEWING THE NEW
RELEASE, MEMPHIS BELLE.
IT'S THE STORY OF 10 YOUNG
"MENS" IN LEATHER JACKETS,
ALL SWEATY, STANDIN'
NEXT TO EACH OTHER...
AND THEM LONG, HARD BOMBS CRAMMED
TOGETHER IN A LITTLE OLD COCKPIT.
WELL, GREASE MY LANDING
GEAR, I'M COMING IN FOR A LANDING.
TOODLE-OO! SEE
YOU NEXT WEEK! BYE!
♪ IT'S RAININ' MEN, HALLELUJAH ♪
♪ IT'S RAININ' MEN, AMEN ♪
♪ I'M GONNA GO OUT ♪♪
TONIGHT'S SPECIAL GUEST, WE
GOT SHABBA RANKS AND MAXI PRIEST.
YEAH!
♪ FALSE PRETENDER ♪
♪ STOP PRETENDING ♪
♪ ALL GIRLS SAY THEY
LOVE I'M SINGING ♪
♪ WATCH THIS ♪
♪ AIN'T NO USE PRETENDING ♪
♪ YOU DON'T FEEL THE
WAY I DO ♪ ♪ CHECK IT ♪
♪ WITH THIS MESSAGE
THAT YOUR BODY'S SENDING ♪
♪ I CAN TELL YOU WANT IT TOO ♪
♪ WHY DO YOU WANNA HIDE
THE WAY YOU FEEL INSIDE ♪
♪ YOU'RE TOO LATE
TO TURN BACK NOW ♪
♪ EVERY LITTLE TOUCH
IT MEANS SO MUCH ♪
♪ SO, GIRL, JUST LET
ME SHOW YOU HOW ♪
♪ YOUR BODY CAN'T LIE TO ME ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I KNOW JUST WHAT
YOU'RE NEEDING ♪ ♪ UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ YOUR BODY CAN'T LIE TO ME ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE IN NEED
OF SEXUAL HEALING ♪
♪♪ [Vocalizing]
♪ EXTREME LOVE THAT
YOU CANNOT COMPLAIN OF ♪
♪ I'M THE BOILER MAN YOU
DON'T STOP CALL MY NAME ♪
♪ I'M LIKE THE BLOOD
CIRCULATING BY VEIN ♪
♪ IF FEEL SHABBA YOU
JUST HOLLER ME NAME ♪
♪ LET MY CARESSES
TAKE YOU PLACES ♪
♪ WHERE YA NEVER BEEN BEFORE ♪
♪ IN YOUR EDGE OF YOUR
DESIRE ♪ ♪ I'M COMIN' AT YA ♪
♪ WHERE YOU'LL WANT
IT MORE AND MORE ♪
♪ WELL, DO YOU WANNA
FIGHT TURN OUT THE LIGHT ♪
♪ COME, LET'S MAKE
TONIGHT THE NIGHT ♪
♪ THERE'S NO RESISTING
LOVE IS INSISTING ♪
♪ COME, LET'S MAKE IT RIGHT
TONIGHT ♪ ♪♪ [Vocalizing]
♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues]
♪ I'M THE DOCTOR ♪
♪ SHABBA ♪
♪ NOT A HEARTBREAKER
CHA-LA-LA-LAY ♪
♪ I'M A LOVE MAKER ♪
♪ SHABBA ♪
♪ I LOVE ENOUGH
NOT TO SHAPE HER ♪
♪ TELL THEM BECAUSE SHE ARE
THE WOMAN AND ME ARE THE MAN ♪
♪ AND SHE'S LIKE A PATIENT
IN THE DOCTOR'S HAND ♪
♪ IT'S LIKE A COMPUTER
SOCIAL PROGRAM ♪
♪ GO TELL THE WORLD
SHE WANT A LOVIN' MAN ♪
♪ YOUR BODY CAN'T LIE TO ME ♪
♪ YOUR BODY CAN'T LIE TO ME ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE IN NEED
OF SEXUAL HEALING ♪
♪ HEY ♪
♪ HOUSECALL ♪
♪ AND YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEAN
♪ ♪ WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA ♪♪