In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 3, Episode 19 - The Fist That Rocks the Cradle - full transcript
[Man] AND NOW WE BRING YOU
THIS SPECIAL ELVIS UPDATE.
HELLO. I'M BILL BIXBY
COMING TO YOU LIVE...
FROM THE REMOTE FIELD
IN ALPINA, MICHIGAN...
WHERE THERE'S BEEN
ANOTHER ELVIS SIGHTING.
WITH ME IS TOM CARTER,
WHO SPOTTED ELVIS FIRST.
TOM, TELL US EXACTLY
WHAT YOU SAW.
WELL, BILLY HERE FOUND SOME ELVIS
DROPPINGS OVER BEHIND ROSIE'S DINER.
WHEN WE GOT THERE, WE
SPOTTED HIM IN THE DUMPSTER.
WELL, I FLUSHED HIM OUT, AND
BOOM, HE TOOK OFF LIKE A RABBIT.
AND NOW WE GOT HIM CORNERED
OVER THERE BEHIND THAT TREE.
I SEE. AND HOW CAN YOU BE
SURE THIS IS THE REAL ELVIS?
WELL, I KNOW THE
KING, AND THAT'S HIM.
GOOD ENOUGH.
LOOK. THERE HE IS.
GET A PICTURE OF THAT.
LOOK AT THOSE
MARKINGS. [Dog Barking]
THE TELLTALE MUTTONCHOPS. IT'S ALL
THERE, FOLKS. LET THE DOGS GO, BOYS.
- [Barking]
- GO GET HIM, BOYS.
IF HE GETS TO THE
HIGHWAY, WE DONE LOST HIM.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA
KILL HIM, ARE YOU?
NO, WE'RE JUST GONNA PUT
SOME TRANQUILIZERS IN HIM.
WE ALREADY GOT
TWO DARTS IN HIM NOW.
OF COURSE. THE KING HAS ALWAYS HAD
A HIGH TOLERANCE FOR TRANQUILIZERS.
[Tom] HEY. THERE
HE GOES! [Gunshot]
WHOO! [Men Laughing, Cackling]
[Man] HOLD UP. HOLD
ON. HE'S GETTING UP.
[Man #2] SHOOT HIM AGAIN!
[Bixby] ARE WE GETTING THIS?
[Groaning] [Tom] WE
GOT HIM NOW, BOYS.
HE'S DOWN. HE'S DOWN.
OH, THIS IS GREAT. THIS IS... THE
SEARCH IS OVER, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
ELVIS LIVES, AND
WE'RE GONNA PROVE IT.
MY AGENT TOLD ME NOT TO
DO THIS. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
THIS IS REALLY
SOMETHING. OH, MY GOSH.
LET'S SEE IF WE CAN GET A WORD
WITH THE KING. ELVIS, I'M BILL BIXBY.
WHY DID YOU FAKE
YOUR OWN DEATH? [Groans]
CAN HE HEAR ME? [Screams]
[Man] LOOK OUT! HE'S COMING TO!
OKAY. HE'S MORE AFRAID
OF US THAN WE ARE OF HIM.
[Bixby] HE'S GONE.
HE'S GONE. OH, MAN.
INCREDIBLE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
THREE DARTS IN HIM, AND HE'S STILL GOING.
OH, WE HAD HOPED TO BAG
THE KING TODAY, BUT, UH,
I GUESS ONCE AGAIN HE
GETS THROUGH OUR DRAGNET.
[Screaming] [Man]
OH, HE'S CHARGING!
GO! GO! GO!
JESUS! INTO THE CAR! [Screaming]
OH, GOD! GO! IN
THE CAR! IN THE CAR!
[All Yelling] OH, GEEZ!
GET IN! GET IN THE CAR.
MAY HAVE BITTEN OFF MORE THAN WE CAN
CHEW. BRACE YOURSELVES. HE'S RAMMIN'.
OH, DAMN IT. I DROPPED THE KEYS.
[Yelling] TAKE HIM OUT!
[Screaming] [Horn Honking]
WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR
REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM.
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP AND
SIP ON A DREAM ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE ON A
FUNKY SCENE ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO ♪♪
[Man] COMING FROM
TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX,
THE FIST THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE.
A TALE ABOUT A PARENT'S
WORST NIGHTMARE.
AS YOU KNOW, WE'VE ALREADY INTERVIEWED
SEVERAL POTENTIAL NANNIES FOR OUR CHILDREN.
AND SINCE YOU WEREN'T
REFERRED TO US BY AN AGENCY,
WE WERE WONDERING, COULD YOU TELL US
WHAT YOUR QUALIFICATIONS ARE TO BE A NANNY?
WELL,
I'M A FIVE-TIME WOMEN'S
WORLD BODYBUILDING CHAMPION,
AND I CAN BENCH-PRESS
240 POUNDS.
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO
HAVE CHILDREN OF MY OWN,
BUT A FEW YEARS AGO, DURING
A CRAZY BODYBUILDING FAD,
I HAD MY UTERUS MADE
INTO A TOBACCO POUCH.
CARE FOR A PINCH?
[Man] THEY WANTED THE PERFECT
NANNY. SHE WANTED THE PERFECT FAMILY.
WHAT'S A GIRL TO DO?
YOU'RE MY BABY NOW.
MY BABY.
YOU WON'T BE HUNGRY ANYMORE.
LET'S SEE IF I'M LACTATING.
[Grunting]
SOUP'S ON.
♪ LA, LA, LA, LA LA,
LA, LA, LA, LA, LA ♪
YOU CALL THAT
SUCKLING? COME ON, BABY.
GO FOR THE BURN.
I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT, DOCTOR.
THE BABY JUST WON'T
TAKE MY MILK ANYMORE.
WELL, THERE'S A SIMPLE
EXPLANATION FOR THIS.
SOMETIMES IT'S NORMAL
FOR A NEWBORN TO...
REJECT ITS MOTHER'S MILK DURING
THE EARLY MONTHS OF GROWTH.
OKAY. BUT THEN HOW THE
HELL CAN YOU EXPLAIN THIS?
[Man] SHE STARTED AS THE NANNY.
NOW SHE'S THE HEAD
OF THE HOUSEHOLD.
♪ LA, DA, DA LA,
DA, DA, DA, DA ♪
♪ DEE, DEE, DEE, DEE ♪♪
SEE ANYTHING INTERESTING?
VERA, I HEARD NOISES.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I WAS JUST MAKING
MYSELF A B.L.T...
BACON, LETTUCE AND TESTOSTERONE.
BUT I CAN SAVE IT FOR
THE SECOND COURSE.
STAY BACK. WHY DON'T
YOU JUST ADMIT IT?
WHEN YOU MAKE LOVE TO YOUR WIFE,
IT'S MY FACE THAT MAKES YOU SHIVER.
VERA, STAY BACK.
HOW COME YOU'RE SO NERVOUS?
IS THERE SOMETHING ABOUT THE WAY
I MOVE THAT YOU FIND DISTRACTING?
NO. MAYBE WHAT YOU NEED...
IS A POTENT APHRODISIAC.
NOT THE PASSION PIT.
AH.
NOW YOU'RE STARTING
TO LOOSEN UP.
WHOO! [Whinnies]
[Whinnying Louder]
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
I AM NOT GONNA LET
YOU STEAL MY FAMILY.
OH, MY GOD! LOOK!
SHE'S LANDED ON
THE PICKET FENCE.
THE NIGHTMARE'S FINALLY OVER.
[Man] BUT LITTLE DID THEY KNOW,
THEIR NIGHTMARE HAD ONLY BEGUN.
LIKE I SAID, NO PAIN, NO GAIN.
242,
243.
THAT'S IT, BABY. YOU'RE
NOT GETTIN' ANY YOUNGER.
[Man] THE FIST THAT
ROCKS THE CRADLE...
IS THE FIST THAT
RULES THE WORLD.
GO FOR THE BURN. YES.
JUST LIKE THAT. UH-HUH.
HEY, MAN. ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS
MEN'S MOVEMENT THING, MAN? HEY, MAN...
I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN TALK ABOUT ALL
MY PERSONAL STUFF WITH SOME DUDE.
THERE'S SOME THINGS THAT
ONLY GUYS UNDERSTAND.
WHY DON'T YOU
JUST GIVE THIS A TRY?
HEY, ROY, MAN. HEY.
HOW YOU DOING? LOVE YA, MAN.
ALL RIGHT. YOU MUST BE
JIMMY. HEY, WHAT'S UP, MAN?
WELCOME TO OUR MEN'S
WILDERNESS GROUP. ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, MAN. HEY, EVERYBODY.
WE'VE GOT A NEW MEMBER TO OUR GROUP.
- EVERYONE SAY HI TO JIMMY.
- [All] HI, JIM.
ALL RIGHT. WHO WANTS TO START?
UH, I WILL.
MY NAME IS ROY. [All] HI, ROY.
AND, UM, I GOT SOME FEELINGS THAT I'M
HAVING A HARD TIME EXPRESSING, MAN.
WELL, GO WITH IT, MAN. LET
THE YOU COME THROUGH.
WELL, YOU KNOW, AFTER ME AND MY
WOMAN, WE MAKE LOVE... [Man] YEAH. YEAH.
SHE WANTS TO HUG AND
CUDDLE AND ALL THAT, YOU KNOW?
WHAT ABOUT MY NEEDS? YEAH.
YOU KNOW, AFTER MAKING LOVE, I
WANT A SANDWICH. CAN I GET A SANDWICH?
- WHAT ABOUT ME?
- YEAH.
I'D MAKE YOU A SANDWICH, MAN.
HEY, MAN. THIS AIN'T
NOTHIN' TO BE EMBARRASSED
ABOUT. ITS ABOUT
SHARING, MAN, TONIGHT.
YEAH, WELL, YOU'RE SHARING
A LITTLE BIT TOO MUCH.
WELL, YOU KNOW, UH,
IF I COULD TALK, MAN.
CAN I TALK?
MY NAME IS WILLY. HI, WILLY.
YEAH. YOU KNOW, AND I
GOT FEELINGS TOO, MAN.
YOU KNOW, LIKE, EVERY WEEKEND
WE PLAY BASKETBALL IN THE PARK.
THEY PLAY SOME
PICKUP GAMES AND STUFF.
AND USUALLY WHEN THEY'RE
PICKING TEAMS AND STUFF,
USUALLY... THEY DON'T
EVER PICK ME, MAN, AND, UH...
WE WANT YOU, WILLY.
YOU KNOW, AND SOMETIMES, YOU
KNOW, I JUST... I FEEL UNWANTED, MAN.
AND SOMETIMES I JUST WANT
TO STAND UP, MAN, AND JUST SAY,
"YO, MAN! I'M HERE, MAN!
I'M OPEN. I GOT HIM POSTED!
HE'S POSTED!" [All] GO!
- YOU'RE OPEN!
- BUT THEY DON'T THROW ME
THE BALL, MAN.
I JUST WANT TO
YELL, MAN. [Howls]
WHOO! WHOO!
[Whimpers] NICE SHARE, WILLY.
THAT WAS A NICE SHARE. ALL RIGHT,
JIM. YOU WANT TO SHARE SOMETHING?
AH, YEAH, LOOK HERE,
MAN. YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK I'M GONNA PASS
ON THIS ONE, MAN. [Laughs]
Y'ALL ARE BUGGED,
MAN. I AIN'T GONNA BE...
HEY, MAN. WHAT'S SO
BUGGED ABOUT IT? EH?
WE'RE ALL HUMAN BEINGS HERE.
AND SO WE TOUCH EACH OTHER
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE. IT'S JUST SKIN.
OKAY, MY NAME
IS LOU. [All] HI, LOU.
[Spits]
LITTLE WHILE BACK I
WAS SPORT FISHING,
UH, HAD A 200-POUND MARLIN ON A 150-POUND
TEST LINE REALLY GIVING ME A FIGHT.
UH, I WAS JUST ABOUT TO
GET HIM INTO THE BOAT, TOO,
WHEN I SUDDENLY
REALIZED THAT I...
REALLY NEVER KNEW MY FATHER.
[Sighs]
I GUESS WHAT I'M
TRYING TO SAY IS...
THAT I HURT.
SOMEBODY HOLD ME.
LOU, IT'S OKAY, MAN. IT'S OKAY.
OH, MAN.
THANK YOU, MAN.
OH, THOMAS. YOU'RE
BEAUTIFUL. ALL RIGHT.
YOU'RE ALWAYS HELPING US OUT,
MAN. WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU?
WELL, I'M THOMAS
SHEPHERD. [All] HI, THOMAS.
OH, MAN. WELL,
SOMETHING I NEVER REALLY
TOLD ANYBODY. [Lou] WHEW!
I CAME FROM A VERY
STRICT HOME... [Lou] YEAH.
AND, YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS... I
ALWAYS HAD TO BE GROWN-UP. MMM.
BUT, YOU SEE, THERE'S...
THERE'S A LITTLE BOY,
AND HE LIVES RIGHT IN HERE.
WHAT'S HIS NAME? TIMMY.
[All] HI, TIMMY.
HE NEVER GOT THE CHANCE TO
COME OUT AND PLAY, YOU KNOW.
MR. SHEPHERD... YEAH?
CAN TIMMY COME OUT TO PLAY?
[Lou] COME ON OUT, TIMMY.
[Roy] COME ON. YOU
CAN DO IT, MAN. COME ON.
[Lou] COME TO DADDY.
[Childlike] I'M HERE!
I'M HERE, EVERYBODY!
I'M HERE!
THAT'S GREAT, TIMMY!
LET'S PLAY HIDE-AND-SEEK. COME ON,
GUYS. COME ON. LET'S PLAY HIDE-AND-SEEK.
OKAY. MAYBE LATER. MAYBE LATER,
TIMMY. NO. NOW. COME ON! NOW!
I SAID LATER! SIT ON THE
ROCK UNTIL I TELL YOU FURTHER!
OH, LOOK, GUYS.
YOU KNOW, LIKE, WHEN
WE FIRST GOT HERE, MAN,
I THOUGHT Y'ALL WAS JUST A
BUNCH OF FREAKS, MAN, BUT...
I'M STARTING TO REALIZE, MAN,
THERE'S A LOT OF ME IN ALL OF Y'ALL.
ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT!
WHAT IS IT, TIMMY?
I JUST MADE A STINKY.
GO ON WITH WHAT
YOU WERE SAYING, MAN.
UH,
WELL, I JUST...
I GOT SOMETHING I
WANT TO SHARE TOO, MAN.
GO WITH IT, MAN. GO WITH
IT! ALL RIGHT. HERE WE GO.
Y'ALL READY? [Lou] YEAH.
OKAY. UH, YOU KNOW,
LAST WEEK, MAN,
I WAS WITH MY WIFE, AND WE WERE
DRIVING TO HER MOTHER'S HOUSE, YOU KNOW.
AND I'D NEVER BEEN THERE BEFORE, SO,
UH, I STARTED THINKING, "I'M GETTING LOST."
AND I FOUND MYSELF, YOU
KNOW, WANTING TO PULL OVER...
AND ACTUALLY ASK DIRECTIONS
OR STOP AT A GAS STATION.
AND FINALLY I JUST... WELL, I PULLED
OVER, AND, UH, I TOLD MY WIFE I WAS LOST.
WHAT?
AND THEN I GAVE HER THE MAP,
AND I ASKED HER FOR SOME HELP.
- YOU GAVE HER THE MAP?
- NO! LITTLE PUNK, MAN!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WITH YOU, MAN,
BUT THIS IS A MEN'S MOVEMENT. [Spits]
LOOK. DON'T LOOK AT
ME. I DON'T KNOW NOTHIN'
ABOUT THIS. NOTHIN'!
GET OFF ME, MAN. PUNK!
COME ALONG, THOMAS.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
TIMMY, COME ON!
HEY, GUYS! WAIT UP!
HOUSE PARTY,
THEN CAME HOUSE PARTY 2,
AND NOW THE HOUSE IS THROWING
THE BIGGEST BASH OF 'EM ALL IN...
HOUSE PARTY 3.
STARRING TEDDY KENNEDY.
[Howling]
I AM A PARTY ANIMAL.
AND I HAVE THE COURT
PAPERS TO PROVE IT.
[Braying]
WHO WANTS TO EARN
A T-BILL THE HARD WAY?
[Man] ALSO STARRING
THE KEATING FIVE.
SPECIAL GUEST STAR, ANITA HILL.
MISS HILL, IT WAS JUST AWFUL THE
WAY CLARENCE THOMAS TREATED YOU.
YES, IT WAS, SENATOR.
THANK GOODNESS THERE'S PEOPLE LIKE US
TO STAND BEHIND THE WOMEN OF THIS COUNTRY.
OH... YOU'RE SO RIGHT, SENATOR.
[Man] PLUS A SPECIAL APPEARANCE
BY VICE PRESIDENT DAN QUAYLE.
ROCK AND ROLL! [Laughing]
HOUSE PARTY 3, YOUR
TAX DOLLARS AT WORK.
[Man] COMING SOON TO A
THEATER NEAR YOU, GHOST II.
OH, YES. I'M IN CONTACT
WITH THE SPIRITUAL WORLD,
AND I HAVE REACHED YOUR HUSBAND.
THIS IS HIM NOW.
AH, MY DEAR WIFE,
THERE'S ONE THING I
FORGOT TO TELL YOU,
UH, BEFORE I DIED.
[Grunts]
[Grunts]
♪ I'VE GOTTA BE ME ♪
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
UH, I'M SORRY. I'M GETTING
SOME INTERFERENCE.
♪ I'VE GOTTA BE ME ♪♪
THAT'S NOT MY HUSBAND.
WHY, YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A CHEAT.
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?
I'M BACK, AND IT'S
GOOD TO BE HERE, BABE.
HEY, HAVE I PLAYED
THIS ROOM BEFORE?
IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE?
NO, NO, NO. IT IS SAMMY, BABE.
AND YOU BROUGHT ME HERE FROM
THAT BIG GOLDEN NUGGET IN THE SKY,
AND I LOVE YOU FOR
YOUR MAGICAL WAYS.
IS IT REALLY YOU, SAMMY?
OF COURSE IT'S
ME. CHECK THIS OUT.
HEY, GEORGE. SPOTLIGHT, PLEASE.
♪ I'VE GOT HIGH HOPES ♪
♪ I'VE GOT HIGH HOPES ♪♪
OH, PLEASE.
ANY CHEAP IMPRESSIONIST
CAN DO SAMMY.
ALL RIGHT. THEN
CHECK THIS OUT, BABE.
♪ KOW, KOW KOW, KOW, KA CHOW ♪
♪ KOW, KOW KOW, KOW, KA CHOW ♪
♪ DON'T DO THE CRIME IF
YOU CAN'T DO THE TIME ♪
♪ NO, NO ♪
♪ KEEP YOUR EYE ♪♪
OKAY, OKAY. IT IS YOU.
NO ONE ELSE WOULD TAKE CREDIT FOR
SINGING THE THEME SONG FROM BARETTA.
WELL, IT'S NO
JUMPIN' JACK FLASH,
BUT IT HELPED PAY FOR
THE JEWELRY, BABE, OKAY?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I DON'T
HANDLE TALENT FOR COMIC RELIEF.
NO, NO. THAT'S NOT IT, BABE. YOU SEE,
I NEED YOUR HELP, WHOOPI GOLDBERG.
- WHY ME?
- WELL, I GUESS BECAUSE WE HAVE
THAT KIND OF BLACK JEW THING.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
DON'T JIVE ME ON THIS, WHOOPI.
[Man] ONE MORE SONG TO SING.
ONE MORE BIG PERFORMANCE,
AND ONLY SHE COULD HELP.
YOUR HUSBAND SENT ME,
AND HE'S HERE WITH ME NOW.
THIS IS NOT FUNNY, AND IF YOU
DON'T STOP IT, I'M GONNA CALL 911.
I TOLD YOU SHE
WOULDN'T BELIEVE ME.
TELL HER, UM, UM... ♪
HERE COME THE JUDGE ♪
♪ HERE COME THE JUDGE
HERE COME THE JUDGE ♪♪
HE SAYS: ♪ HERE COME THE
JUDGE HERE COME THE JUDGE ♪
YEAH, WELL, RIGHT NOW HERE COMES THE
POLICE, BECAUSE THAT'S WHO I'M CALLING.
SHE'S NOT BUYING IT.
AH, LOOK, DON'T WORRY.
I THINK THAT WAS A LITTLE BIT TOO HIP
FOR THE ROOM. ALL RIGHT. CHECK THIS OUT.
DO MY FAKE HOLLYWOOD
LAUGH. [Laughs]
I CAN'T DO YOU, SAMMY.
LOOK, WHOOPI. I
KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS.
JUST MIX A LITTLE HERMAN
MUNSTER AND KERMIT THE FROG.
[Mimicking Laugh]
ARE YOU OKAY? DO YOU WANT SOME
WATER? DO YOU NEED TO SIT DOWN?
NO, NO. I'M FINE. IT
DIDN'T WORK. NOW WHAT?
TELL HER I LOVE HER.
HE SAYS HE LOVES YOU.
SAMMY WOULD NEVER
SAY IT LIKE THAT.
TELL HER I SAID...
♪ SHA BOING, BOING, BOING ♪
WHAT? JUST TELL
HER. SHE'LL KNOW.
HE SAYS: ♪ SHA
BOING, BOING, BOING ♪
SAMMY? HE IS HERE.
SAMMY. SAMMY, WHERE ARE YOU?
HE'S HERE, AND HE HAS A MESSAGE.
LOOK, THIS IS FOR YOU BECAUSE I
THINK YOU ARE SUCH A BEAUTIFUL CAT.
ALL RIGHT. THIS IS ONE
OF MY FAVORITE TUNES,
AND I'M GONNA LAY IT ON
YOU RIGHT NOW, YOU DIG?
♪ I KNEW A MAN
HIS NAME WAS SAM ♪
♪ HE DANCED FOR YOU ♪
♪ THE OLD SOFT SHOE ♪
♪ BUT WHEN HE LEFT THE
I.R.S. TOOK WHAT WAS DUE ♪
♪ AND LEFT YOU BLUE ♪
♪ THEY TOOK EVERYTHING
THEY COULD FIND ♪
♪ EVERYTHING THEY COULD FIND ♪
♪ EXCEPT MY LOVE FOR YOU ♪
♪ MR. BOJANGLES ♪
♪ MR. BOJANGLES ♪
♪ DANCE ♪♪
I LOVE YOU, BABE. I
LOVE YOU TOO, SAMMY.
NOW HUG ME LIKE
YOU HUGGED NIXON.
[Man] GHOST II. [Sammy]
CHECK IT OUT, BABE.
PERFORMING THE TITLE CUT
FROM THE SOUND TRACK JUICE,
PLEASE WELCOME MCA'S
RECORDING ARTIST, ERIC B. AND RAKIM.
♪♪ [Hip-hop]
♪ YEAH, YEAH IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ SIP THE JUICE I GOT
ENOUGH TO GO AROUND ♪
♪ AND THE THOUGHT
TAKES PLACE UPTOWN ♪
♪ I GREW UP ON THE SIDEWALK
WHERE I LEARNED STREET TALK ♪
♪ AND THEN TAUGHT
TO HAWK NEW YORK ♪
♪ I GO TO QUEENS FOR QUEEN
GET THE CREW FROM BROOKLYN ♪
♪ MAKE MONEY IN MANHATTAN
AND NEVER BEEN "TOOKEN" ♪
♪ GO UPTOWN TO THE
BRONX AND BOOGIE DOWN ♪
♪ GET STRONG ON THE ISLAND
RECOUP AND LAY AROUND ♪
♪ TIME TO BUILD
MY JUICE BACK UP ♪
♪ PROPS BACK UP
SUCKERS GET SMACKED UP ♪
♪ DON'T DOUBT THE CLOUT
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M ABOUT ♪
♪ KNOCKING NIGGAS OFF
KNOCKING NIGGAS OUT ♪
♪ SHAKIN' 'EM UP
BREAKIN' 'EM UP ♪
♪ WAKIN' 'EM UP
BREAKIN' 'EM UP ♪
♪ I'M STANDING ON SHAKY
GROUNDS TOO CLOSE TO THE EDGE ♪
♪ LET'S SEE IF I
KNOW THE LEDGE ♪
♪ YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN' WE'RE
GONNA PUMP IT UP LIKE THIS RIGHT HERE ♪
♪ CORNERS TRIFLING
'CAUSE SHORTY'S HERE ♪
♪ I GET CAUGHT DEALIN'
FOR FORTIES OF BEER ♪
♪ HERE'S A SIP FOR THE
CREW THAT'S DECEASED ♪
♪ IF I GET REVENGE THEN
THEY REST IN PEACE ♪
♪ SOMEBODY GOTTA SUFFER
OR I JUST MIGHT SPARE ONE ♪
♪ GIVE A BROTHER A FAIR
ONE STAY ALERT AND ON P's ♪
♪ AND I DO WORK WITH
THESE LIKE HERCULES ♪
♪ SWITCH TO SOUTHPAW
SPLIT YOUR RIGHT JAW ♪
♪ I DON'T LIKE Y'ALL
HYPE WHEN NIGHT FALL ♪
♪ SMOOTH BUT I
MOVE LIKE AN ARMY ♪
♪ BULLETPROOF DOWN IN CASE
BROTHERS TRY TO BOMB ME ♪
♪ I'M PUTTING BROTHERS
TO REST LIKE ELIOT NESS ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE STRESS ♪
♪ THE STREETS AIN'T A PLACE FOR
INNOCENT BYSTANDERS TO STAND ♪
♪ NOTHING'S GONNA STOP THE PLAN
I'LL CHILL LIKE PACINO ROB LIKE DE NIRO ♪
♪ BLACK GAMBINO
DIE LIKE A HERO ♪
♪ LIVING ON SHAKY GROUNDS
TOO CLOSE TO THE EDGE ♪
♪ LET'S SEE IF I
KNOW THE LEDGE ♪
♪♪ [Record Scratching]
♪ PUMP IT PUMP IT ♪
♪ PUMP IT PUMP IT ♪
♪ PUMP IT PUMP IT ♪
♪ SHELLS LAY AROUND
ON THE BATTLEGROUND ♪
♪ DEAD BODIES ARE FOUND
THROUGHOUT THE TOWN ♪
♪ TRIED TO PUT SHAME IN
MY GAME TO MAKE A NAME ♪
♪ I'M GONNA PUT IT IN A
RHYME PUT IT IN YOUR BRAIN ♪
♪ RIP THE BLOCK LIKE A BUCKSHOT
WHO CARES WHERE IT GO ♪
♪ JUST KEEP THE CASKET CLOSED
NO REMORSE WHEN A LIFE IS LOST ♪
♪ PAID MY DUES
AND PAID THE COST ♪
♪ AND MY POCKETS ARE STILL FAT
WHEREVER I'M AT I GET THE WELCOME MAT ♪
♪ EVEN IF MY CREW IS
STEEP WITH ONE DEEP ♪
♪ I ATTRACT ATTENTION
PEOPLE LIKE TO PEEP ♪
♪ SO COME SAY HI
TO THE BAD GUY ♪
♪ DON'T SAY GOOD-BYE
I DON'T PLAN TO DIE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I GET LOOSE AND I
GOT TROOPS AND CRAZY JUICE ♪
♪ IN CONTROL OF MANY
LIKE AYATOLLAH KHOMEINI ♪
♪ HANG OUT WITH SMITH &
WESSON DON'T TRY TO PLAY ME ♪
♪ I'M AT WAR A LOT
LIKE ANWAR SADAT ♪
♪ BUT NO WARNING SHOT
MY GUN IS WARM A LOT ♪
♪ WHEN I COOK BEEF THE
SMOKE WILL NEVER CLEAR ♪
♪ AREAS IN FEAR BUT
THIS HERE'S A FEAR ♪
♪ LIVING LIFE TOO
CLOSE TO THE EDGE ♪
♪ HOPING THAT I KNOW
THE LEDGE COME ON ♪
♪ WHAT WHAT WHAT ♪
♪ WHAT WHAT WHAT ♪
♪ WHAT ♪
♪ A BRAND-NEW MORN
NO TIME TO YAWN ♪
♪ SHOWER'S ON POWER'S ON ♪
♪ I'M LATE FOR SCHOOL
I CATCH THE TRAIN ♪
♪ GIRLS SIP CRISTAL
AND WHISPER MY NAME ♪
♪ I PUSH UP LIKE AN EXERCISE ♪
♪ CHECK THE INTELLECT
AND INSPECT THE THIGH ♪
♪ SELECT THE BEST ONE
PULL HER TO THE SIDE ♪
♪ KEEP HER OCCUPIED
FOR THE REST OF THE RIDE ♪
♪ READ HER MY RÉSUMÉ
SHE KNOW I'M READY COOL ♪
♪ JUST MEET ME AFTER SCHOOL WE CAN MOAN
AND GROAN UNTIL YOUR MOMS COME HOME ♪
♪ AND YOU BE CALLING
ME AL "DOPE" CAPONE ♪
♪ SWEATIN' ME SHE DIDN'T
WANT TO LET ME LOOSE ♪
♪ COME GET ME THAT'S IF
YOU WANT TO SIP THE JUICE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THE STREETS AWAIT
ME SO I TAKE MY GUN OFF SAFETY ♪
♪ 'CAUSE A LOT OF NIGGAS HATE
ME COMING OUT OF THE BUILDING ♪
♪ THEY SET ME UP SPRAYED WITH
AUTOMATICS THEY WET ME UP ♪♪
THIS SPECIAL ELVIS UPDATE.
HELLO. I'M BILL BIXBY
COMING TO YOU LIVE...
FROM THE REMOTE FIELD
IN ALPINA, MICHIGAN...
WHERE THERE'S BEEN
ANOTHER ELVIS SIGHTING.
WITH ME IS TOM CARTER,
WHO SPOTTED ELVIS FIRST.
TOM, TELL US EXACTLY
WHAT YOU SAW.
WELL, BILLY HERE FOUND SOME ELVIS
DROPPINGS OVER BEHIND ROSIE'S DINER.
WHEN WE GOT THERE, WE
SPOTTED HIM IN THE DUMPSTER.
WELL, I FLUSHED HIM OUT, AND
BOOM, HE TOOK OFF LIKE A RABBIT.
AND NOW WE GOT HIM CORNERED
OVER THERE BEHIND THAT TREE.
I SEE. AND HOW CAN YOU BE
SURE THIS IS THE REAL ELVIS?
WELL, I KNOW THE
KING, AND THAT'S HIM.
GOOD ENOUGH.
LOOK. THERE HE IS.
GET A PICTURE OF THAT.
LOOK AT THOSE
MARKINGS. [Dog Barking]
THE TELLTALE MUTTONCHOPS. IT'S ALL
THERE, FOLKS. LET THE DOGS GO, BOYS.
- [Barking]
- GO GET HIM, BOYS.
IF HE GETS TO THE
HIGHWAY, WE DONE LOST HIM.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA
KILL HIM, ARE YOU?
NO, WE'RE JUST GONNA PUT
SOME TRANQUILIZERS IN HIM.
WE ALREADY GOT
TWO DARTS IN HIM NOW.
OF COURSE. THE KING HAS ALWAYS HAD
A HIGH TOLERANCE FOR TRANQUILIZERS.
[Tom] HEY. THERE
HE GOES! [Gunshot]
WHOO! [Men Laughing, Cackling]
[Man] HOLD UP. HOLD
ON. HE'S GETTING UP.
[Man #2] SHOOT HIM AGAIN!
[Bixby] ARE WE GETTING THIS?
[Groaning] [Tom] WE
GOT HIM NOW, BOYS.
HE'S DOWN. HE'S DOWN.
OH, THIS IS GREAT. THIS IS... THE
SEARCH IS OVER, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
ELVIS LIVES, AND
WE'RE GONNA PROVE IT.
MY AGENT TOLD ME NOT TO
DO THIS. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
THIS IS REALLY
SOMETHING. OH, MY GOSH.
LET'S SEE IF WE CAN GET A WORD
WITH THE KING. ELVIS, I'M BILL BIXBY.
WHY DID YOU FAKE
YOUR OWN DEATH? [Groans]
CAN HE HEAR ME? [Screams]
[Man] LOOK OUT! HE'S COMING TO!
OKAY. HE'S MORE AFRAID
OF US THAN WE ARE OF HIM.
[Bixby] HE'S GONE.
HE'S GONE. OH, MAN.
INCREDIBLE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
THREE DARTS IN HIM, AND HE'S STILL GOING.
OH, WE HAD HOPED TO BAG
THE KING TODAY, BUT, UH,
I GUESS ONCE AGAIN HE
GETS THROUGH OUR DRAGNET.
[Screaming] [Man]
OH, HE'S CHARGING!
GO! GO! GO!
JESUS! INTO THE CAR! [Screaming]
OH, GOD! GO! IN
THE CAR! IN THE CAR!
[All Yelling] OH, GEEZ!
GET IN! GET IN THE CAR.
MAY HAVE BITTEN OFF MORE THAN WE CAN
CHEW. BRACE YOURSELVES. HE'S RAMMIN'.
OH, DAMN IT. I DROPPED THE KEYS.
[Yelling] TAKE HIM OUT!
[Screaming] [Horn Honking]
WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR
REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM.
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP AND
SIP ON A DREAM ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE ON A
FUNKY SCENE ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO ♪♪
[Man] COMING FROM
TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX,
THE FIST THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE.
A TALE ABOUT A PARENT'S
WORST NIGHTMARE.
AS YOU KNOW, WE'VE ALREADY INTERVIEWED
SEVERAL POTENTIAL NANNIES FOR OUR CHILDREN.
AND SINCE YOU WEREN'T
REFERRED TO US BY AN AGENCY,
WE WERE WONDERING, COULD YOU TELL US
WHAT YOUR QUALIFICATIONS ARE TO BE A NANNY?
WELL,
I'M A FIVE-TIME WOMEN'S
WORLD BODYBUILDING CHAMPION,
AND I CAN BENCH-PRESS
240 POUNDS.
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO
HAVE CHILDREN OF MY OWN,
BUT A FEW YEARS AGO, DURING
A CRAZY BODYBUILDING FAD,
I HAD MY UTERUS MADE
INTO A TOBACCO POUCH.
CARE FOR A PINCH?
[Man] THEY WANTED THE PERFECT
NANNY. SHE WANTED THE PERFECT FAMILY.
WHAT'S A GIRL TO DO?
YOU'RE MY BABY NOW.
MY BABY.
YOU WON'T BE HUNGRY ANYMORE.
LET'S SEE IF I'M LACTATING.
[Grunting]
SOUP'S ON.
♪ LA, LA, LA, LA LA,
LA, LA, LA, LA, LA ♪
YOU CALL THAT
SUCKLING? COME ON, BABY.
GO FOR THE BURN.
I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT, DOCTOR.
THE BABY JUST WON'T
TAKE MY MILK ANYMORE.
WELL, THERE'S A SIMPLE
EXPLANATION FOR THIS.
SOMETIMES IT'S NORMAL
FOR A NEWBORN TO...
REJECT ITS MOTHER'S MILK DURING
THE EARLY MONTHS OF GROWTH.
OKAY. BUT THEN HOW THE
HELL CAN YOU EXPLAIN THIS?
[Man] SHE STARTED AS THE NANNY.
NOW SHE'S THE HEAD
OF THE HOUSEHOLD.
♪ LA, DA, DA LA,
DA, DA, DA, DA ♪
♪ DEE, DEE, DEE, DEE ♪♪
SEE ANYTHING INTERESTING?
VERA, I HEARD NOISES.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I WAS JUST MAKING
MYSELF A B.L.T...
BACON, LETTUCE AND TESTOSTERONE.
BUT I CAN SAVE IT FOR
THE SECOND COURSE.
STAY BACK. WHY DON'T
YOU JUST ADMIT IT?
WHEN YOU MAKE LOVE TO YOUR WIFE,
IT'S MY FACE THAT MAKES YOU SHIVER.
VERA, STAY BACK.
HOW COME YOU'RE SO NERVOUS?
IS THERE SOMETHING ABOUT THE WAY
I MOVE THAT YOU FIND DISTRACTING?
NO. MAYBE WHAT YOU NEED...
IS A POTENT APHRODISIAC.
NOT THE PASSION PIT.
AH.
NOW YOU'RE STARTING
TO LOOSEN UP.
WHOO! [Whinnies]
[Whinnying Louder]
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
I AM NOT GONNA LET
YOU STEAL MY FAMILY.
OH, MY GOD! LOOK!
SHE'S LANDED ON
THE PICKET FENCE.
THE NIGHTMARE'S FINALLY OVER.
[Man] BUT LITTLE DID THEY KNOW,
THEIR NIGHTMARE HAD ONLY BEGUN.
LIKE I SAID, NO PAIN, NO GAIN.
242,
243.
THAT'S IT, BABY. YOU'RE
NOT GETTIN' ANY YOUNGER.
[Man] THE FIST THAT
ROCKS THE CRADLE...
IS THE FIST THAT
RULES THE WORLD.
GO FOR THE BURN. YES.
JUST LIKE THAT. UH-HUH.
HEY, MAN. ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS
MEN'S MOVEMENT THING, MAN? HEY, MAN...
I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN TALK ABOUT ALL
MY PERSONAL STUFF WITH SOME DUDE.
THERE'S SOME THINGS THAT
ONLY GUYS UNDERSTAND.
WHY DON'T YOU
JUST GIVE THIS A TRY?
HEY, ROY, MAN. HEY.
HOW YOU DOING? LOVE YA, MAN.
ALL RIGHT. YOU MUST BE
JIMMY. HEY, WHAT'S UP, MAN?
WELCOME TO OUR MEN'S
WILDERNESS GROUP. ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, MAN. HEY, EVERYBODY.
WE'VE GOT A NEW MEMBER TO OUR GROUP.
- EVERYONE SAY HI TO JIMMY.
- [All] HI, JIM.
ALL RIGHT. WHO WANTS TO START?
UH, I WILL.
MY NAME IS ROY. [All] HI, ROY.
AND, UM, I GOT SOME FEELINGS THAT I'M
HAVING A HARD TIME EXPRESSING, MAN.
WELL, GO WITH IT, MAN. LET
THE YOU COME THROUGH.
WELL, YOU KNOW, AFTER ME AND MY
WOMAN, WE MAKE LOVE... [Man] YEAH. YEAH.
SHE WANTS TO HUG AND
CUDDLE AND ALL THAT, YOU KNOW?
WHAT ABOUT MY NEEDS? YEAH.
YOU KNOW, AFTER MAKING LOVE, I
WANT A SANDWICH. CAN I GET A SANDWICH?
- WHAT ABOUT ME?
- YEAH.
I'D MAKE YOU A SANDWICH, MAN.
HEY, MAN. THIS AIN'T
NOTHIN' TO BE EMBARRASSED
ABOUT. ITS ABOUT
SHARING, MAN, TONIGHT.
YEAH, WELL, YOU'RE SHARING
A LITTLE BIT TOO MUCH.
WELL, YOU KNOW, UH,
IF I COULD TALK, MAN.
CAN I TALK?
MY NAME IS WILLY. HI, WILLY.
YEAH. YOU KNOW, AND I
GOT FEELINGS TOO, MAN.
YOU KNOW, LIKE, EVERY WEEKEND
WE PLAY BASKETBALL IN THE PARK.
THEY PLAY SOME
PICKUP GAMES AND STUFF.
AND USUALLY WHEN THEY'RE
PICKING TEAMS AND STUFF,
USUALLY... THEY DON'T
EVER PICK ME, MAN, AND, UH...
WE WANT YOU, WILLY.
YOU KNOW, AND SOMETIMES, YOU
KNOW, I JUST... I FEEL UNWANTED, MAN.
AND SOMETIMES I JUST WANT
TO STAND UP, MAN, AND JUST SAY,
"YO, MAN! I'M HERE, MAN!
I'M OPEN. I GOT HIM POSTED!
HE'S POSTED!" [All] GO!
- YOU'RE OPEN!
- BUT THEY DON'T THROW ME
THE BALL, MAN.
I JUST WANT TO
YELL, MAN. [Howls]
WHOO! WHOO!
[Whimpers] NICE SHARE, WILLY.
THAT WAS A NICE SHARE. ALL RIGHT,
JIM. YOU WANT TO SHARE SOMETHING?
AH, YEAH, LOOK HERE,
MAN. YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK I'M GONNA PASS
ON THIS ONE, MAN. [Laughs]
Y'ALL ARE BUGGED,
MAN. I AIN'T GONNA BE...
HEY, MAN. WHAT'S SO
BUGGED ABOUT IT? EH?
WE'RE ALL HUMAN BEINGS HERE.
AND SO WE TOUCH EACH OTHER
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE. IT'S JUST SKIN.
OKAY, MY NAME
IS LOU. [All] HI, LOU.
[Spits]
LITTLE WHILE BACK I
WAS SPORT FISHING,
UH, HAD A 200-POUND MARLIN ON A 150-POUND
TEST LINE REALLY GIVING ME A FIGHT.
UH, I WAS JUST ABOUT TO
GET HIM INTO THE BOAT, TOO,
WHEN I SUDDENLY
REALIZED THAT I...
REALLY NEVER KNEW MY FATHER.
[Sighs]
I GUESS WHAT I'M
TRYING TO SAY IS...
THAT I HURT.
SOMEBODY HOLD ME.
LOU, IT'S OKAY, MAN. IT'S OKAY.
OH, MAN.
THANK YOU, MAN.
OH, THOMAS. YOU'RE
BEAUTIFUL. ALL RIGHT.
YOU'RE ALWAYS HELPING US OUT,
MAN. WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU?
WELL, I'M THOMAS
SHEPHERD. [All] HI, THOMAS.
OH, MAN. WELL,
SOMETHING I NEVER REALLY
TOLD ANYBODY. [Lou] WHEW!
I CAME FROM A VERY
STRICT HOME... [Lou] YEAH.
AND, YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS... I
ALWAYS HAD TO BE GROWN-UP. MMM.
BUT, YOU SEE, THERE'S...
THERE'S A LITTLE BOY,
AND HE LIVES RIGHT IN HERE.
WHAT'S HIS NAME? TIMMY.
[All] HI, TIMMY.
HE NEVER GOT THE CHANCE TO
COME OUT AND PLAY, YOU KNOW.
MR. SHEPHERD... YEAH?
CAN TIMMY COME OUT TO PLAY?
[Lou] COME ON OUT, TIMMY.
[Roy] COME ON. YOU
CAN DO IT, MAN. COME ON.
[Lou] COME TO DADDY.
[Childlike] I'M HERE!
I'M HERE, EVERYBODY!
I'M HERE!
THAT'S GREAT, TIMMY!
LET'S PLAY HIDE-AND-SEEK. COME ON,
GUYS. COME ON. LET'S PLAY HIDE-AND-SEEK.
OKAY. MAYBE LATER. MAYBE LATER,
TIMMY. NO. NOW. COME ON! NOW!
I SAID LATER! SIT ON THE
ROCK UNTIL I TELL YOU FURTHER!
OH, LOOK, GUYS.
YOU KNOW, LIKE, WHEN
WE FIRST GOT HERE, MAN,
I THOUGHT Y'ALL WAS JUST A
BUNCH OF FREAKS, MAN, BUT...
I'M STARTING TO REALIZE, MAN,
THERE'S A LOT OF ME IN ALL OF Y'ALL.
ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT!
WHAT IS IT, TIMMY?
I JUST MADE A STINKY.
GO ON WITH WHAT
YOU WERE SAYING, MAN.
UH,
WELL, I JUST...
I GOT SOMETHING I
WANT TO SHARE TOO, MAN.
GO WITH IT, MAN. GO WITH
IT! ALL RIGHT. HERE WE GO.
Y'ALL READY? [Lou] YEAH.
OKAY. UH, YOU KNOW,
LAST WEEK, MAN,
I WAS WITH MY WIFE, AND WE WERE
DRIVING TO HER MOTHER'S HOUSE, YOU KNOW.
AND I'D NEVER BEEN THERE BEFORE, SO,
UH, I STARTED THINKING, "I'M GETTING LOST."
AND I FOUND MYSELF, YOU
KNOW, WANTING TO PULL OVER...
AND ACTUALLY ASK DIRECTIONS
OR STOP AT A GAS STATION.
AND FINALLY I JUST... WELL, I PULLED
OVER, AND, UH, I TOLD MY WIFE I WAS LOST.
WHAT?
AND THEN I GAVE HER THE MAP,
AND I ASKED HER FOR SOME HELP.
- YOU GAVE HER THE MAP?
- NO! LITTLE PUNK, MAN!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WITH YOU, MAN,
BUT THIS IS A MEN'S MOVEMENT. [Spits]
LOOK. DON'T LOOK AT
ME. I DON'T KNOW NOTHIN'
ABOUT THIS. NOTHIN'!
GET OFF ME, MAN. PUNK!
COME ALONG, THOMAS.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
TIMMY, COME ON!
HEY, GUYS! WAIT UP!
HOUSE PARTY,
THEN CAME HOUSE PARTY 2,
AND NOW THE HOUSE IS THROWING
THE BIGGEST BASH OF 'EM ALL IN...
HOUSE PARTY 3.
STARRING TEDDY KENNEDY.
[Howling]
I AM A PARTY ANIMAL.
AND I HAVE THE COURT
PAPERS TO PROVE IT.
[Braying]
WHO WANTS TO EARN
A T-BILL THE HARD WAY?
[Man] ALSO STARRING
THE KEATING FIVE.
SPECIAL GUEST STAR, ANITA HILL.
MISS HILL, IT WAS JUST AWFUL THE
WAY CLARENCE THOMAS TREATED YOU.
YES, IT WAS, SENATOR.
THANK GOODNESS THERE'S PEOPLE LIKE US
TO STAND BEHIND THE WOMEN OF THIS COUNTRY.
OH... YOU'RE SO RIGHT, SENATOR.
[Man] PLUS A SPECIAL APPEARANCE
BY VICE PRESIDENT DAN QUAYLE.
ROCK AND ROLL! [Laughing]
HOUSE PARTY 3, YOUR
TAX DOLLARS AT WORK.
[Man] COMING SOON TO A
THEATER NEAR YOU, GHOST II.
OH, YES. I'M IN CONTACT
WITH THE SPIRITUAL WORLD,
AND I HAVE REACHED YOUR HUSBAND.
THIS IS HIM NOW.
AH, MY DEAR WIFE,
THERE'S ONE THING I
FORGOT TO TELL YOU,
UH, BEFORE I DIED.
[Grunts]
[Grunts]
♪ I'VE GOTTA BE ME ♪
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
UH, I'M SORRY. I'M GETTING
SOME INTERFERENCE.
♪ I'VE GOTTA BE ME ♪♪
THAT'S NOT MY HUSBAND.
WHY, YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A CHEAT.
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?
I'M BACK, AND IT'S
GOOD TO BE HERE, BABE.
HEY, HAVE I PLAYED
THIS ROOM BEFORE?
IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE?
NO, NO, NO. IT IS SAMMY, BABE.
AND YOU BROUGHT ME HERE FROM
THAT BIG GOLDEN NUGGET IN THE SKY,
AND I LOVE YOU FOR
YOUR MAGICAL WAYS.
IS IT REALLY YOU, SAMMY?
OF COURSE IT'S
ME. CHECK THIS OUT.
HEY, GEORGE. SPOTLIGHT, PLEASE.
♪ I'VE GOT HIGH HOPES ♪
♪ I'VE GOT HIGH HOPES ♪♪
OH, PLEASE.
ANY CHEAP IMPRESSIONIST
CAN DO SAMMY.
ALL RIGHT. THEN
CHECK THIS OUT, BABE.
♪ KOW, KOW KOW, KOW, KA CHOW ♪
♪ KOW, KOW KOW, KOW, KA CHOW ♪
♪ DON'T DO THE CRIME IF
YOU CAN'T DO THE TIME ♪
♪ NO, NO ♪
♪ KEEP YOUR EYE ♪♪
OKAY, OKAY. IT IS YOU.
NO ONE ELSE WOULD TAKE CREDIT FOR
SINGING THE THEME SONG FROM BARETTA.
WELL, IT'S NO
JUMPIN' JACK FLASH,
BUT IT HELPED PAY FOR
THE JEWELRY, BABE, OKAY?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I DON'T
HANDLE TALENT FOR COMIC RELIEF.
NO, NO. THAT'S NOT IT, BABE. YOU SEE,
I NEED YOUR HELP, WHOOPI GOLDBERG.
- WHY ME?
- WELL, I GUESS BECAUSE WE HAVE
THAT KIND OF BLACK JEW THING.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
DON'T JIVE ME ON THIS, WHOOPI.
[Man] ONE MORE SONG TO SING.
ONE MORE BIG PERFORMANCE,
AND ONLY SHE COULD HELP.
YOUR HUSBAND SENT ME,
AND HE'S HERE WITH ME NOW.
THIS IS NOT FUNNY, AND IF YOU
DON'T STOP IT, I'M GONNA CALL 911.
I TOLD YOU SHE
WOULDN'T BELIEVE ME.
TELL HER, UM, UM... ♪
HERE COME THE JUDGE ♪
♪ HERE COME THE JUDGE
HERE COME THE JUDGE ♪♪
HE SAYS: ♪ HERE COME THE
JUDGE HERE COME THE JUDGE ♪
YEAH, WELL, RIGHT NOW HERE COMES THE
POLICE, BECAUSE THAT'S WHO I'M CALLING.
SHE'S NOT BUYING IT.
AH, LOOK, DON'T WORRY.
I THINK THAT WAS A LITTLE BIT TOO HIP
FOR THE ROOM. ALL RIGHT. CHECK THIS OUT.
DO MY FAKE HOLLYWOOD
LAUGH. [Laughs]
I CAN'T DO YOU, SAMMY.
LOOK, WHOOPI. I
KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS.
JUST MIX A LITTLE HERMAN
MUNSTER AND KERMIT THE FROG.
[Mimicking Laugh]
ARE YOU OKAY? DO YOU WANT SOME
WATER? DO YOU NEED TO SIT DOWN?
NO, NO. I'M FINE. IT
DIDN'T WORK. NOW WHAT?
TELL HER I LOVE HER.
HE SAYS HE LOVES YOU.
SAMMY WOULD NEVER
SAY IT LIKE THAT.
TELL HER I SAID...
♪ SHA BOING, BOING, BOING ♪
WHAT? JUST TELL
HER. SHE'LL KNOW.
HE SAYS: ♪ SHA
BOING, BOING, BOING ♪
SAMMY? HE IS HERE.
SAMMY. SAMMY, WHERE ARE YOU?
HE'S HERE, AND HE HAS A MESSAGE.
LOOK, THIS IS FOR YOU BECAUSE I
THINK YOU ARE SUCH A BEAUTIFUL CAT.
ALL RIGHT. THIS IS ONE
OF MY FAVORITE TUNES,
AND I'M GONNA LAY IT ON
YOU RIGHT NOW, YOU DIG?
♪ I KNEW A MAN
HIS NAME WAS SAM ♪
♪ HE DANCED FOR YOU ♪
♪ THE OLD SOFT SHOE ♪
♪ BUT WHEN HE LEFT THE
I.R.S. TOOK WHAT WAS DUE ♪
♪ AND LEFT YOU BLUE ♪
♪ THEY TOOK EVERYTHING
THEY COULD FIND ♪
♪ EVERYTHING THEY COULD FIND ♪
♪ EXCEPT MY LOVE FOR YOU ♪
♪ MR. BOJANGLES ♪
♪ MR. BOJANGLES ♪
♪ DANCE ♪♪
I LOVE YOU, BABE. I
LOVE YOU TOO, SAMMY.
NOW HUG ME LIKE
YOU HUGGED NIXON.
[Man] GHOST II. [Sammy]
CHECK IT OUT, BABE.
PERFORMING THE TITLE CUT
FROM THE SOUND TRACK JUICE,
PLEASE WELCOME MCA'S
RECORDING ARTIST, ERIC B. AND RAKIM.
♪♪ [Hip-hop]
♪ YEAH, YEAH IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ SIP THE JUICE I GOT
ENOUGH TO GO AROUND ♪
♪ AND THE THOUGHT
TAKES PLACE UPTOWN ♪
♪ I GREW UP ON THE SIDEWALK
WHERE I LEARNED STREET TALK ♪
♪ AND THEN TAUGHT
TO HAWK NEW YORK ♪
♪ I GO TO QUEENS FOR QUEEN
GET THE CREW FROM BROOKLYN ♪
♪ MAKE MONEY IN MANHATTAN
AND NEVER BEEN "TOOKEN" ♪
♪ GO UPTOWN TO THE
BRONX AND BOOGIE DOWN ♪
♪ GET STRONG ON THE ISLAND
RECOUP AND LAY AROUND ♪
♪ TIME TO BUILD
MY JUICE BACK UP ♪
♪ PROPS BACK UP
SUCKERS GET SMACKED UP ♪
♪ DON'T DOUBT THE CLOUT
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M ABOUT ♪
♪ KNOCKING NIGGAS OFF
KNOCKING NIGGAS OUT ♪
♪ SHAKIN' 'EM UP
BREAKIN' 'EM UP ♪
♪ WAKIN' 'EM UP
BREAKIN' 'EM UP ♪
♪ I'M STANDING ON SHAKY
GROUNDS TOO CLOSE TO THE EDGE ♪
♪ LET'S SEE IF I
KNOW THE LEDGE ♪
♪ YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN' WE'RE
GONNA PUMP IT UP LIKE THIS RIGHT HERE ♪
♪ CORNERS TRIFLING
'CAUSE SHORTY'S HERE ♪
♪ I GET CAUGHT DEALIN'
FOR FORTIES OF BEER ♪
♪ HERE'S A SIP FOR THE
CREW THAT'S DECEASED ♪
♪ IF I GET REVENGE THEN
THEY REST IN PEACE ♪
♪ SOMEBODY GOTTA SUFFER
OR I JUST MIGHT SPARE ONE ♪
♪ GIVE A BROTHER A FAIR
ONE STAY ALERT AND ON P's ♪
♪ AND I DO WORK WITH
THESE LIKE HERCULES ♪
♪ SWITCH TO SOUTHPAW
SPLIT YOUR RIGHT JAW ♪
♪ I DON'T LIKE Y'ALL
HYPE WHEN NIGHT FALL ♪
♪ SMOOTH BUT I
MOVE LIKE AN ARMY ♪
♪ BULLETPROOF DOWN IN CASE
BROTHERS TRY TO BOMB ME ♪
♪ I'M PUTTING BROTHERS
TO REST LIKE ELIOT NESS ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE STRESS ♪
♪ THE STREETS AIN'T A PLACE FOR
INNOCENT BYSTANDERS TO STAND ♪
♪ NOTHING'S GONNA STOP THE PLAN
I'LL CHILL LIKE PACINO ROB LIKE DE NIRO ♪
♪ BLACK GAMBINO
DIE LIKE A HERO ♪
♪ LIVING ON SHAKY GROUNDS
TOO CLOSE TO THE EDGE ♪
♪ LET'S SEE IF I
KNOW THE LEDGE ♪
♪♪ [Record Scratching]
♪ PUMP IT PUMP IT ♪
♪ PUMP IT PUMP IT ♪
♪ PUMP IT PUMP IT ♪
♪ SHELLS LAY AROUND
ON THE BATTLEGROUND ♪
♪ DEAD BODIES ARE FOUND
THROUGHOUT THE TOWN ♪
♪ TRIED TO PUT SHAME IN
MY GAME TO MAKE A NAME ♪
♪ I'M GONNA PUT IT IN A
RHYME PUT IT IN YOUR BRAIN ♪
♪ RIP THE BLOCK LIKE A BUCKSHOT
WHO CARES WHERE IT GO ♪
♪ JUST KEEP THE CASKET CLOSED
NO REMORSE WHEN A LIFE IS LOST ♪
♪ PAID MY DUES
AND PAID THE COST ♪
♪ AND MY POCKETS ARE STILL FAT
WHEREVER I'M AT I GET THE WELCOME MAT ♪
♪ EVEN IF MY CREW IS
STEEP WITH ONE DEEP ♪
♪ I ATTRACT ATTENTION
PEOPLE LIKE TO PEEP ♪
♪ SO COME SAY HI
TO THE BAD GUY ♪
♪ DON'T SAY GOOD-BYE
I DON'T PLAN TO DIE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I GET LOOSE AND I
GOT TROOPS AND CRAZY JUICE ♪
♪ IN CONTROL OF MANY
LIKE AYATOLLAH KHOMEINI ♪
♪ HANG OUT WITH SMITH &
WESSON DON'T TRY TO PLAY ME ♪
♪ I'M AT WAR A LOT
LIKE ANWAR SADAT ♪
♪ BUT NO WARNING SHOT
MY GUN IS WARM A LOT ♪
♪ WHEN I COOK BEEF THE
SMOKE WILL NEVER CLEAR ♪
♪ AREAS IN FEAR BUT
THIS HERE'S A FEAR ♪
♪ LIVING LIFE TOO
CLOSE TO THE EDGE ♪
♪ HOPING THAT I KNOW
THE LEDGE COME ON ♪
♪ WHAT WHAT WHAT ♪
♪ WHAT WHAT WHAT ♪
♪ WHAT ♪
♪ A BRAND-NEW MORN
NO TIME TO YAWN ♪
♪ SHOWER'S ON POWER'S ON ♪
♪ I'M LATE FOR SCHOOL
I CATCH THE TRAIN ♪
♪ GIRLS SIP CRISTAL
AND WHISPER MY NAME ♪
♪ I PUSH UP LIKE AN EXERCISE ♪
♪ CHECK THE INTELLECT
AND INSPECT THE THIGH ♪
♪ SELECT THE BEST ONE
PULL HER TO THE SIDE ♪
♪ KEEP HER OCCUPIED
FOR THE REST OF THE RIDE ♪
♪ READ HER MY RÉSUMÉ
SHE KNOW I'M READY COOL ♪
♪ JUST MEET ME AFTER SCHOOL WE CAN MOAN
AND GROAN UNTIL YOUR MOMS COME HOME ♪
♪ AND YOU BE CALLING
ME AL "DOPE" CAPONE ♪
♪ SWEATIN' ME SHE DIDN'T
WANT TO LET ME LOOSE ♪
♪ COME GET ME THAT'S IF
YOU WANT TO SIP THE JUICE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THE STREETS AWAIT
ME SO I TAKE MY GUN OFF SAFETY ♪
♪ 'CAUSE A LOT OF NIGGAS HATE
ME COMING OUT OF THE BUILDING ♪
♪ THEY SET ME UP SPRAYED WITH
AUTOMATICS THEY WET ME UP ♪♪