In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 3, Episode 13 - Santa Fire Marshal Bill - full transcript
HI. DO YOU KNOW
ME? I'M... [Beeps]
LIKE MILLIONS OF OTHER WOMEN IN
AMERICA, I HAD SEX WITH A KENNEDY.
SO IN ORDER TO BE
SPECIAL, I CARRY THIS.
THE EQUITY EXPRESS CARD.
THAT WAY, WHETHER I'M
GETTING TACKLED ON A BEACH,
WATCHING A SENATOR
SHOW ME HIS BRIEFS...
OR HAVING MY BRA
DUSTED FOR FINGERPRINTS,
I CAN BE SURE THE EQUITY
EXPRESS CARD WILL BE THERE FOR ME.
IT'S ACCEPTED ALL
OVER THE WORLD...
AND IN MOST WEST PALM
BEACH HOTELS AND BARS.
TELL 'EM THE WOMAN WITH THE
BLUE DOT ON HER FACE SENT YOU.
THANK YOU... [Beeps]
I MAY NOT ALWAYS REMEMBER
WHERE I TOOK OFF MY PANTY HOSE,
BUT I ALWAYS
REMEMBER TO CARRY THIS.
THE EQUITY EXPRESS CARD.
[Announcer] EQUITY EXPRESS.
IF YOU LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT,
MAKE SURE YOU GET GRASS STAINS
ON YOUR CLOTHES AS EVIDENCE.
HELLO. I'M SENATOR
EDWARD KENNEDY.
YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE SAY US
KENNEDYS THINK WE'RE ABOVE THE LAW.
ONLY PROBLEM IS, SOMETIMES THE
LAW FORGETS THAT WE ARE KENNEDYS.
AND THAT'S WHY I CARRY THIS.
THE KENNEDY CART BLANCH.
SO WHETHER I'M BAILING
RELATIVES OUT OF JAIL...
OR JUST BAILING
WATER OUT OF MY CAR,
WHETHER I'M BUYING
EXPERT TESTIMONY...
OR PUTTING A HIGH-PRICED
LAWYER ON RETAINER,
WITH THE KENNEDY CART
BLANCH, THE SKY'S THE LIMIT.
MOST IMPORTANTLY, THIS CARD
IDENTIFIES YOU AS A BONA FIDE KENNEDY.
AND THAT MAKES
YOU ABOVE THE LAW.
SO WHETHER WE'RE
TRYING TO PASS THE BAR...
OR JUST PASSING BY A BAR...
WHEN WE GET OFF...
WE GET OFF SCOT-FREE,
THANKS TO THIS.
[Ted Kennedy] THE
KENNEDY CART BLANCH.
DON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE,
OR THE SENATE, WITHOUT IT.
WILLIE, KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS.
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP AND
SIP ON A DREAM ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE ON A
FUNKY SCENE ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO ♪♪
[Announcer] AMERICA'S WEALTHIEST PEOPLE
HAVE MADE THEIR FORTUNES IN REAL ESTATE.
NOW ONE MAN CAN GIVE YOU THE SAFE,
SIMPLE, SURE WAY TO FINANCIAL FREEDOM.
DO YOU RECOGNIZE THIS MAN?
IF YOU DON'T, YOU'RE NOT
WATCHING ENOUGH TELEVISION.
HE'S TOMMY WU. HEY, IDIOT,
ROTTING IN YOUR OWN FILTH!
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS
EXCELLENT LIFESTYLE I AM LIVING?
IT ALL BELONG TO ME BECAUSE
I AM JUST SO DAMN RICH!
WHEN I COME TO THIS
COUNTRY, I WAS BOAT PERSON.
NOW I PERSON WHO OWN BOAT!
YOU LIKE DIAMOND? YOU
LIKE PEARL? YOU LIKE HOT TUB?
THEN COME TO MY SEMINAR,
YOU PIECE OF ANIMAL DROPPING!
AND LEARN TO BE SO
DAMN RICH LIKE ME.
AND AFTER ALL THAT,
YOU'RE JUST SO DAMN RICH.
MR. WU, EXCUSE ME. I'M SORRY. I-I
JUST DON'T COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND.
HERE ALL YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND.
YOU JUST AN INSIGNIFICANT
HAIR ON TOILET OF LIFE!
BUT I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. I
WAS A BRAIN-DEAD LOSER LIKE YOU.
THEN ONE DAY I GOT A
LETTER. MY UNCLE WAS DEAD.
AND HE LEFT ME,
TOMMY WU, $10 MILLION.
WHY CAN'T YOU DO THAT?
WHAT'S STOPPING
YOU FROM BEING RICH?
I TOOK THE TOMMY WU
SEMINAR, AND TWO DAYS LATER...
I LOST MY ENTIRE FAMILY IN
A HORRIBLE CAR ACCIDENT.
BUT I MADE $7 MILLION.
THANK YOU, TOMMY WU.
THANK YOU, GENIUS.
DON'T MOVE! SHUT
UP AND LAY THERE!
YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A
LOVE PILLOW FOR TOMMY WU.
AND YOU, YOU'RE SO FAT AND
LAZY, YOU STINK LIKE ROADKILL.
IF I SAW YOU CROSSING A ROAD,
I WOULD SWERVE TO KILL YOU.
TAKE A SHOWER, CHANGE YOUR
CLOTHES AND COME TO MY SEMINAR.
LEARN THE SECRET OF TOMMY WU.
[Announcer] DON'T BE STUPID.
TAKE THE TOMMY WU
SEMINAR THIS SATURDAY...
AT THE PARKING LOT BEHIND
BOB'S HOUSE OF VALUE.
YOU'LL LEARN HOW TO
BE... JUST SO DAMN RICH!
♪♪ [Nonsensical Humming]
YOU KNOW, IT'S GONNA TAKE
FIVE CLOWNS TO DO THIS ACT. YEP.
YEAH, WHERE'S THAT REPLACEMENT
CLOWN YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO FIND?
THERE HE IS!
HEY, YOU'RE LATE! WE
GO ON IN ONE MINUTE.
HIS NAME IS HOMEY D.
CLOWN. I'M HIS PAROLE OFFICER.
HE'LL BE FILLING IN HERE
AS PART OF THE WORK
RELEASE PROGRAM. JUST
KEEP AN EYE ON HIM, HUH?
I GOTCHA.
PECKERWOOD. PUT HER THERE, PAL.
[Buzzes] AH, GOTCHA!
BEEP, BEEP. JUST
CHECKIN'. [Chuckles]
YOU CHECK AGAIN, I'M
GONNA BUST YOUR GOOFY ASS.
[Chuckles] LET ME GIVE YOU A
LITTLE CLOWN ADVICE, HOMEY.
NOW, IF IT BENDS, THAT'S FUNNY.
BUT IF IT BREAKS, THAT
AIN'T FUNNY. [Chuckles]
WHAT IF I SNAP YOUR
NECK? IS THAT FUNNY?
YEAH, WELL, I'LL HAVE TO CHECK
MY CLOWN BOOK ON THAT ONE.
[Announcer] LET'S GIVE A ROUSING
WELCOME FOR CHUCKLES AND HIS FRIENDS!
♪♪ [Fanfare]
[Children Laughing]
[Children Laughing]
QUIT PUSHIN', MAN!
[Children Laughing]
LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
DOES THIS JOB REQUIRE ME TO
DEBASE AND DEGRADE MYSELF...
FOR THE AMUSEMENT OF
THESE LITTLE CHILDRENS?
YEP, YOU GOT IT, KID. [Chuckles]
YOU'RE DOIN' FINE. NOW
YOU'RE GETTIN' SOME LAUGHS.
JUST REMEMBER: ONE, CHUCKLES
IS THE STAR OF THE SHOW;
TWO, CHUCKLES TAKES THE HITS,
AND CHUCKLES GETS THE LAUGHS;
AND THREE...
AND THREE, IF
HOMEY DON'T LIKE IT,
HOMEY WON'T PLAY IT.
YEAH, WELL, UH, WE'LL
GET BACK TO THAT LATER.
♪♪ [Nonsensical Humming]
HEY, KIDS, WHO WANTS
TO SEE FLIPPO THE CLOWN...
DO A TRIPLE BACK SOMERSAULT
INTO THIS LITTLE GLASS OF WATER?
[Cheering] CAN'T HEAR YOU, KIDS.
- [All] WE DO!
- [Cheering Continues]
YOU ALL READY TO SEE
FLIPPO HAVE A BALL?
[All] YEAH!
- [Bell Dings]
- [Screaming]
[Children Laughing]
YOU KNOW, KIDS, HOMEY'S
KIND OF BEIN' A BAD CLOWN.
[Chuckles] NOW, YOU KNOW
WHAT WE DO TO BAD CLOWNS?
[All] WHAT? [Chuckles]
NOW THAT WAS FUNNY.
[Chuckles] [Children Laughing]
NOW WATCH THE BAD CLOWN
RETALIATE WITH A LITTLE MAGIC TRICK.
I'M GONNA MAKE THE FUNNY
CLOWN HERE DISAPPEAR.
ABRACADABRA, ABRACADAN.
GET YOUR ASS OUTTA
HERE AS FAST AS YOU CAN.
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!
NOW WHAT DID I TELL YOU, HUH?
I SAID IF IT BREAKS,
THAT AIN'T FUNNY.
NOW, CHUCKLES IS THE STAR OF THE
SHOW. WE'LL GET BACK TO YOU LATER.
OKAY, KIDS! [Cheering]
WHO WANTS TO SEE
CHUCKLES FLY? WE DO!
I CAN'T HEAR YOU, KIDS. WHO
WANTS TO SEE CHUCKLES FLY?
[Children] WE DO!
NOW, JUST LIGHT THE FUSE, AND DON'T DO
ANYTHING ELSE, YOU BONEHEAD. YOU GOT IT?
SURE. YOU WANT ME TO
TAKE ORDERS FROM YOU...
AND LET YOU TELL ME WHAT A
CLOWN IS REALLY SUPPOSED TO DO...
AND COMPLETELY REPRESS MY OWN
CREATIVE IMPULSE TO SATISFY YOUR CLOWN EGO.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, BONEHEAD?
GET INSIDE THE DAMN
CANNON. [Children Shouting]
IT'S TIME FOR HOMEY TO HAVE
SOME GOOD OL' JAILHOUSE FUN.
HEY, HEY, HEY!
SO, WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED, IF
NOTHING ELSE, LITTLE CHILDREN?
[Together] WHAT, HOMEY?
THAT JUST BECAUSE I
LOOK LIKE A CLOWN...
DON'T MEAN YOU CAN
TREAT ME LIKE ONE.
[Laughing, Cheering]
[Nonsensical Humming]
[Chuckles, Coughs]
OKAY, WHILE WE'RE SWEEPING
UP WHAT'S LEFT OF CHUCKLES,
WHY DON'T WE SING THE
CHUCKLES THE CLOWN SONG?
[Cheering] YEAH!
SING ALONG WITH ME. ♪
CHUCKLES THE CLOWN ♪
♪ CHUCKLES THE CLOWN ♪
- ♪ LOVED TO MESS AROUND ♪
- ♪ LOVED TO MESS AROUND ♪
♪ THAT'S WHY CHUCKLES IS
SPLATTERED ON THE GROUND ♪
♪ THAT'S WHY CHUCKLES IS
SPLATTERED ON THE GROUND ♪
♪ HE THOUGHT I WAS HIS TOOL
HE COULD TREAT ME LIKE A FOOL ♪
♪ BUT HOMEY SHOWED HIM
THAT HE AIN'T NOBODY'S SUCKER ♪
♪ AND WON'T BE ILL-TREATED BY NO LOW-LIFE
TWO-DOLLAR MINIMUM-WAGE-MAKIN' JACKASS ♪
Y'ALL BETTER SING
THIS DAMN SONG.
♪♪ [Singing Incoherently]
A'IGHT, THAT'S
CLOSE ENOUGH. YEAH!
♪♪ [Nonsensical Humming]
[Cheering]
♪♪ [Hip-hop]
[Mouthing Words] ♪ I DON'T
KNOW WHAT YOU COME TO DO ♪
♪ I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU COME TO DO ♪
[Mouthing Words] ♪ I DON'T
KNOW WHAT YOU COME TO DO ♪
♪ OH, GIRL ♪
♪ GIMME SOME OF THAT FUNKY ♪
[Mouthing Words] ♪ GIMME
SOME OF THAT GOOD THING ♪
♪ GIMME SOME OF
THAT FUNKY, FUNKY ♪
♪ GIMME SOME OF THAT GOOD
THING ♪ ♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAID ♪
♪ NOW GIMME SOME OF THAT FUNKY ♪
♪♪ [Ends]
♪♪ [Fanfare]
FOR YEARS NOW,
BLACK ENTREPRENEURS...
HAVE GREATLY CONTRIBUTED TO THE
SUCCESS OF BIG BUSINESS IN THIS COUNTRY...
WITHOUT RECEIVING FULL CREDIT FOR SOME
OF THEIR GROUNDBREAKING INNOVATIONS.
IN JULY OF 1979, JEROME
JOHNSON WORKED FOR ZACK'S AUTO.
WHILE PERFORMING SOME ROUTINE MAINTENANCE,
HE MADE A TRENDSETTING DISCOVERY.
HEY, JEROME, MAN, NOW
LOOK. BE CAREFUL, MAN.
I TRIED TO GET THAT NUT OFF THE OIL
PAN EARLIER, BUT IT WAS JUST ON TOO TIGHT.
HEY, MAN, I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.
I'VE BEEN DOING OIL
CHANGES SINCE I WAS 13.
SEE, ALL I GOTTA DO IS
GET A GOOD GRIP ON THIS...
[Grunting]
GOT IT!
HEY, MAN, WHAT'S...
HEY, WHAT'S UP?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, MAN! I GOT A
DATE IN A HALF AN HOUR, MAN!
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
HOLD IT ONE SECOND,
JEROME, MAN. YO, TAKE
A LOOK IN THE MIRROR.
OH! IT LOOKS ALL THE WAY LIVE!
OH, YEAH! THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
[Narrator] IT WAS AT THAT
MOMENT, THAT JEROME REALIZED...
HE HAD DISCOVERED
A NEW HAIRSTYLE.
Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD TIME
NOW. ALL RIGHT, MAN.
I JUST LOVE YOUR HAIR, JERRY.
[Smacking]
PULL!
SO TODAY WE SALUTE
JEROME JOHNSON,
INVENTOR OF THE JHERI CURL.
I'M TOMMY DAVIDSON, AND THIS HAS BEEN
ANOTHER GREAT MOMENT IN BLACK HISTORY.
HELLO, AND WELCOME TO EBONY,
JET, ESSENCE, RIGHT ON! SHOWCASE.
I'M YOUR HOST, LOUIE BEDFORD.
TONIGHT, IN THE TRADITION OF SPIKE
LEE, JOHN SINGLETON AND MATTY RICH,
WE'RE GOING TO MEET ONE OF THE
NEWEST YOUNG BLACK FILMMAKERS...
TO MAKE HIS MARK IN HOLLYWOOD.
WE'RE ON LOCATION ON
THE SET OF HIS LATEST FILM.
PLEASE GIVE A WARM
EBONY, JET, ESSENCE,
RIGHT ON! SHOWCASE
WELCOME TO JAMEEL JAMAAL.
JAMEEL, THANKS FOR JOINING US. YOU
SEEM AWFUL YOUNG TO BE A FILMMAKER.
ONLY SEVEN YEARS OLD.
SEE, THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE
WRONG. I'M SEVEN AND A HALF.
OKAY, SEVEN AND A HALF, AND YOU ALREADY
HAVE YOUR OWN PRODUCTION COMPANY?
THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S CALLED
FORTY CANDY BARS AND A BIKE.
YOU SEE, I STARTED
THIS COMPANY...
'CAUSE THERE'S NO
BLACKS IN KIDS' TV.
- CAN YOU GIVE US AN EXAMPLE?
- YEAH. THE FLINTSTONES.
ARE YOU TELLING ME THERE WERE
NO BLACKS IN THE CAVEMAN TIMES?
WHERE THE HELL DID
FRED GET THOSE RIBS?
THEM BIG ONES THAT
TIPPED OVER HIS CAR?
YOU DON'T GET THOSE
AT THE MALL, MAN!
BUT THAT'S JUST ONE EXAMPLE.
OKAY, WHAT ABOUT THE JETSONS? WHAT, THERE'S
NO BLACK PEOPLE IN THE FUTURE EITHER?
MAN, ALL THEY HAD TO DO WAS FLIP TWO
LETTERS, AND ELROY COULD HAVE BEEN LEROY.
SO YOU'RE SAYING THERE ARE NO BLACK
CHARACTERS IN CHILDREN'S PROGRAMMING?
JUST ONE... THE BROTHER ON
THE ROADRUNNER, WILLIE COYOTE.
OH, YOU MEAN WILE E.
COYOTE. HE'S A BROTHER?
YEAH. AND LOOK
WHAT THEY DID TO HIM.
HE DIDN'T HAVE NO JOB, HE
WAS ALWAYS BUYIN' STUFF,
YOU NEVER KNOW
WHERE HE GOT THE MONEY,
AND ALL HE WANTED WAS A
LITTLE GOLDEN BIRD FOR DINNER.
I CAN GO ON. I'VE
GOT CHARTS, GRAPHS,
DIAGRAMS AND REPORTS
TO BACK UP WHAT I'M SAYIN'.
- WELL, LET'S SEE 'EM.
- UH, MY DOG THREW UP ON 'EM.
NOW, MANY HAVE CALLED YOU THE YOUNG
SPIKE LEE, THE NEXT JOHN SINGLETON.
THAT STINKS, MAN!
I'M NOTHIN' LIKE THEM.
THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND
MY PAIN, MY SUFFERING.
I CAN'T DRIVE. I CAN'T
STAY UP PAST 8:00.
MAN, I'M WEARING
CARE BEAR UNDERPANTS.
I UNDERSTAND, JAMEEL, WE
HAVE A CLIP FROM YOUR FILM.
WOULD YOU MIND
SETTING THIS UP FOR US?
SURE. I MADE THIS MOVIE
FOR MY PEOPLE: THE KIDS.
IT'S A STORY OF A BOY WHO STANDS
UP FOR HIS RIGHTS AGAINST THE MAN.
IT'S CALLED THE
THREE LITTLE PIGS.
OPEN UP IN THERE! WE KNOW
THIS IS A CRACKERJACK HOUSE.
NO WAY, YOU THREE LITTLE PIGS!
YOU'RE NOT GONNA TREAT ME
LIKE YOU TREAT WILLIE COYOTE.
THAT'S IT. IF YOU DON'T OPEN UP, WE'RE
GONNA HUFF AND PUFF AND RUN YOUR BUTT IN.
JUST BECAUSE I'M BLACK DOESN'T
MEAN I'M A CRACKERJACK DEALER.
I'M A POSITIVE ROLE MODEL.
I'M NOT AFRAID OF NOTHING.
OH, THAT'S IT. I'M
GONNA TELL YOUR MOM.
[Screaming]
THERE'S A VERY POWERFUL MESSAGE
THERE, JAMEEL. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
THE MESSAGE IS THIS:
BUY MY THREE LITTLE PIGS
HATS, SHIRTS AND VIDEO GAMES.
I LEARNED THAT FROM SPIKE LEE.
AND WATCH FOR MY NEXT FILM,
LITTLE RED RIDING IN THE HOOD.
THANK YOU, JAMEEL, FOR
JOINING US. AND THANK YOU.
JOIN ME AGAIN ON THE EBONY,
JET, ESSENCE, RIGHT ON! SHOWCASE.
I'M YOUR HOST, LOUIE
BEDFORD. GOOD NIGHT.
♪♪ [Hip-hop]
OKAY, KIDS, LET'S GET
READY FOR SANTA CLAUS.
EVERYBODY STAND BACK. I'M
GONNA LIGHT THE FIREPLACE.
HO, HO, HO AND HOWDY, FOLKS.
MAKE WAY FOR FIRE
MARSHALL SANTA.
- HEY, KIDS, LOOK WHO'S HERE!
- [All Cheering]
- ARE YOU REALLY SANTA CLAUS?
- [Laughing]
ARE YOU JOKING? SANTA CLAUS IS JUST
A MARKETING TOOL FOR BIG BUSINESS.
WAKE UP, SON.
NO, I'M HERE TO MAKE SURE YOUR
HOLIDAY SEASON IS A SAFE ONE.
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE...
WERE DE-DE-DEADLY FIRE HAZARDS!
NOW, WHAT KIND OF SNACK WERE KIDS
GONNA LEAVE FOR THIS "SO-CALLED" ST. NICK?
- COOKIES!
- SOUNDS DELICIOUS.
BUT WHAT IF THE JAR
IS EMPTY THIS YEAR,
AND YOU DECIDE TO MAKE
HIM A WAFFLE INSTEAD?
YOU PULL OUT YOUR WAFFLE
IRON, YOU GO TO POUR IN THE MIX,
SOMEBODY SAYS, "HEY, LOOK. RUDOLPH'S
PINCHING A LOAF ON THE NEIGHBOR'S LAWN."
- WHERE? WHERE?
- [Sizzling]
FIRE MARSHALL SANTA,
DOESN'T THAT HURT?
LIKE THE DICKENS. [Laughs]
QUICK! SOMEBODY HAND
ME THE LOG CABIN SYRUP!
[Laughing]
HEY, LISTEN, BUDDY. THEY SAID YOU WERE
SUPPOSED TO BRING TOYS FOR THE KIDS.
TAKE A CHILL PILL, DAD. YOU CAN'T SING
"JINGLE BELLS" WHEN YOUR HEAD'S ON FIRE.
SAY, THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL
TREE YOU'VE GOT THERE.
LET SANTA SHOW YOU SOMETHING!
NOW, LET'S JUST SAY THE GUY WHO
SOLD YOU THIS CHRISTMAS TREE...
IS AN AVID BEAR HUNTER, AND HE
THREW IN A LITTLE SOMETHING EXTRA.
YOU STICK YOUR LEG IN THERE, TRYING
TO LOCATE THE BIGGEST PRESENT...
[Screaming, Gasping]
[Groaning]
FIRE MARSHALL
SANTA, ARE YOU OKAY?
[Laughing]
HO, HO, HO. NOTHING A LITTLE
EGG NOG AND DEMEROL WON'T FIX.
BUT WHAT ABOUT OUR TOYS, SANTA?
I BET I KNOW WHAT YOU
WANT, LITTLE DARLING.
WHAT?
A BARBIE POWER WHEELS CAR.
OH, YEAH! HOLD IT, CURLY SUE!
A GO-CART LIKE THIS
CAN BE A LOT OF FUN,
BUT IT CAN ALSO BE A FIERY
DEATH TRAP ON A HIGHWAY TO HELL.
LET'S JUST SAY THERE'S AN OUTBREAK
OF PSYCHOSIS AT THE NORTH POLE,
AND A DEMENTED ELF
SWITCHES YOUR LITTLE BATTERY...
WITH A V-6, 350-HORSEPOWER,
FUEL-INJECTED,
T-T-TURBO ENGINE... LIKE SO!
YOU'RE HAVING A
MANIC-DEPRESSIVE EPISODE.
[Engine Starts] YOU THINK YOU'RE
TOM CRUISE IN DAYS OF THUNDER.
YOU JUMP IN THE CAR, PUT YOUR PEDAL
TO THE METAL, AND HOLD ON, BARBIE!
[Tires Screeching]
OH, MY GOD! YOU PUT A
HOLE IN MY LIVING ROOM WALL!
YOU CALL IT A HOLE;
I CALL IT A FIRE EXIT.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO GET
THOSE WHEELS ALIGNED.
OKAY, CHILDREN, GATHER
AROUND WHILE SANTA GIVES
YOU THE SAFETY TIP THAT
COULD SAVE CHRISTMAS.
NOW, WHAT DO YOU LIKE
TO ROAST ON AN OPEN FIRE?
- CHESTNUTS!
- YOU GOT IT, PEANUTS GANG!
BUT SAY YOU'RE A
WORLD WAR II VETERAN,
AND YOU HAVEN'T CLEANED
OUT YOUR POCKETS SINCE D-DAY!
YOU'RE SEARCHING AROUND IN THERE,
TRYING TO COME UP WITH A CHESTNUT,
AND YOU ACCIDENTALLY PULL
OUT A LIVE HAND GRENADE.
- [All Gasping]
- SANTA, DON'T! NO!
EVERYBODY RELAX! TAKE
A CHILL PILL, WOULD YOU?
I AM A FIRE MARSHALL.
LET'S GET OUT!
CAN'T FOOL FIRE MARSHALL SANTA.
HE SEES YOU WHEN
YOU'RE SLEEPING,
AND HE KNOWS WHEN
YOU'RE ABOUT TO COMBUST.
IDIOT! I DON'T HAVE
ANY FIRE INSURANCE!
WELL, NOW YOU KNOW WHAT
TO ASK FOR NEXT CHRISTMAS.
- [Mutters]
- [Laughing]
HEY, THERE'S SOME YOUNG
TYKES BUILDING A SNOWMAN.
[Blows Whistle]
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, KIDS!
I THINK FROSTY COULD
USE A MUCH BIGGER NOSE.
LET SANTA SHOW YOU SOMETHING!
[All Screaming] [Explosion]
HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'D LIKE TO
INTRODUCE TO YOU OUR VERY SPECIAL GUEST.
DERRICK BROWN. SAY HI. HI.
HEY! OUR NEW
HONORARY CAST MEMBER.
AND ON BEHALF OF EVERYBODY
HERE AT IN LIVING COLOR,
WE'D LIKE TO WISH YOU A VERY
HAPPY HOLIDAY. HAPPY HOLIDAYS.
♪♪ [Hip-hop]
ME? I'M... [Beeps]
LIKE MILLIONS OF OTHER WOMEN IN
AMERICA, I HAD SEX WITH A KENNEDY.
SO IN ORDER TO BE
SPECIAL, I CARRY THIS.
THE EQUITY EXPRESS CARD.
THAT WAY, WHETHER I'M
GETTING TACKLED ON A BEACH,
WATCHING A SENATOR
SHOW ME HIS BRIEFS...
OR HAVING MY BRA
DUSTED FOR FINGERPRINTS,
I CAN BE SURE THE EQUITY
EXPRESS CARD WILL BE THERE FOR ME.
IT'S ACCEPTED ALL
OVER THE WORLD...
AND IN MOST WEST PALM
BEACH HOTELS AND BARS.
TELL 'EM THE WOMAN WITH THE
BLUE DOT ON HER FACE SENT YOU.
THANK YOU... [Beeps]
I MAY NOT ALWAYS REMEMBER
WHERE I TOOK OFF MY PANTY HOSE,
BUT I ALWAYS
REMEMBER TO CARRY THIS.
THE EQUITY EXPRESS CARD.
[Announcer] EQUITY EXPRESS.
IF YOU LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT,
MAKE SURE YOU GET GRASS STAINS
ON YOUR CLOTHES AS EVIDENCE.
HELLO. I'M SENATOR
EDWARD KENNEDY.
YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE SAY US
KENNEDYS THINK WE'RE ABOVE THE LAW.
ONLY PROBLEM IS, SOMETIMES THE
LAW FORGETS THAT WE ARE KENNEDYS.
AND THAT'S WHY I CARRY THIS.
THE KENNEDY CART BLANCH.
SO WHETHER I'M BAILING
RELATIVES OUT OF JAIL...
OR JUST BAILING
WATER OUT OF MY CAR,
WHETHER I'M BUYING
EXPERT TESTIMONY...
OR PUTTING A HIGH-PRICED
LAWYER ON RETAINER,
WITH THE KENNEDY CART
BLANCH, THE SKY'S THE LIMIT.
MOST IMPORTANTLY, THIS CARD
IDENTIFIES YOU AS A BONA FIDE KENNEDY.
AND THAT MAKES
YOU ABOVE THE LAW.
SO WHETHER WE'RE
TRYING TO PASS THE BAR...
OR JUST PASSING BY A BAR...
WHEN WE GET OFF...
WE GET OFF SCOT-FREE,
THANKS TO THIS.
[Ted Kennedy] THE
KENNEDY CART BLANCH.
DON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE,
OR THE SENATE, WITHOUT IT.
WILLIE, KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS.
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP AND
SIP ON A DREAM ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE ON A
FUNKY SCENE ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO ♪♪
[Announcer] AMERICA'S WEALTHIEST PEOPLE
HAVE MADE THEIR FORTUNES IN REAL ESTATE.
NOW ONE MAN CAN GIVE YOU THE SAFE,
SIMPLE, SURE WAY TO FINANCIAL FREEDOM.
DO YOU RECOGNIZE THIS MAN?
IF YOU DON'T, YOU'RE NOT
WATCHING ENOUGH TELEVISION.
HE'S TOMMY WU. HEY, IDIOT,
ROTTING IN YOUR OWN FILTH!
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS
EXCELLENT LIFESTYLE I AM LIVING?
IT ALL BELONG TO ME BECAUSE
I AM JUST SO DAMN RICH!
WHEN I COME TO THIS
COUNTRY, I WAS BOAT PERSON.
NOW I PERSON WHO OWN BOAT!
YOU LIKE DIAMOND? YOU
LIKE PEARL? YOU LIKE HOT TUB?
THEN COME TO MY SEMINAR,
YOU PIECE OF ANIMAL DROPPING!
AND LEARN TO BE SO
DAMN RICH LIKE ME.
AND AFTER ALL THAT,
YOU'RE JUST SO DAMN RICH.
MR. WU, EXCUSE ME. I'M SORRY. I-I
JUST DON'T COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND.
HERE ALL YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND.
YOU JUST AN INSIGNIFICANT
HAIR ON TOILET OF LIFE!
BUT I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. I
WAS A BRAIN-DEAD LOSER LIKE YOU.
THEN ONE DAY I GOT A
LETTER. MY UNCLE WAS DEAD.
AND HE LEFT ME,
TOMMY WU, $10 MILLION.
WHY CAN'T YOU DO THAT?
WHAT'S STOPPING
YOU FROM BEING RICH?
I TOOK THE TOMMY WU
SEMINAR, AND TWO DAYS LATER...
I LOST MY ENTIRE FAMILY IN
A HORRIBLE CAR ACCIDENT.
BUT I MADE $7 MILLION.
THANK YOU, TOMMY WU.
THANK YOU, GENIUS.
DON'T MOVE! SHUT
UP AND LAY THERE!
YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A
LOVE PILLOW FOR TOMMY WU.
AND YOU, YOU'RE SO FAT AND
LAZY, YOU STINK LIKE ROADKILL.
IF I SAW YOU CROSSING A ROAD,
I WOULD SWERVE TO KILL YOU.
TAKE A SHOWER, CHANGE YOUR
CLOTHES AND COME TO MY SEMINAR.
LEARN THE SECRET OF TOMMY WU.
[Announcer] DON'T BE STUPID.
TAKE THE TOMMY WU
SEMINAR THIS SATURDAY...
AT THE PARKING LOT BEHIND
BOB'S HOUSE OF VALUE.
YOU'LL LEARN HOW TO
BE... JUST SO DAMN RICH!
♪♪ [Nonsensical Humming]
YOU KNOW, IT'S GONNA TAKE
FIVE CLOWNS TO DO THIS ACT. YEP.
YEAH, WHERE'S THAT REPLACEMENT
CLOWN YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO FIND?
THERE HE IS!
HEY, YOU'RE LATE! WE
GO ON IN ONE MINUTE.
HIS NAME IS HOMEY D.
CLOWN. I'M HIS PAROLE OFFICER.
HE'LL BE FILLING IN HERE
AS PART OF THE WORK
RELEASE PROGRAM. JUST
KEEP AN EYE ON HIM, HUH?
I GOTCHA.
PECKERWOOD. PUT HER THERE, PAL.
[Buzzes] AH, GOTCHA!
BEEP, BEEP. JUST
CHECKIN'. [Chuckles]
YOU CHECK AGAIN, I'M
GONNA BUST YOUR GOOFY ASS.
[Chuckles] LET ME GIVE YOU A
LITTLE CLOWN ADVICE, HOMEY.
NOW, IF IT BENDS, THAT'S FUNNY.
BUT IF IT BREAKS, THAT
AIN'T FUNNY. [Chuckles]
WHAT IF I SNAP YOUR
NECK? IS THAT FUNNY?
YEAH, WELL, I'LL HAVE TO CHECK
MY CLOWN BOOK ON THAT ONE.
[Announcer] LET'S GIVE A ROUSING
WELCOME FOR CHUCKLES AND HIS FRIENDS!
♪♪ [Fanfare]
[Children Laughing]
[Children Laughing]
QUIT PUSHIN', MAN!
[Children Laughing]
LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
DOES THIS JOB REQUIRE ME TO
DEBASE AND DEGRADE MYSELF...
FOR THE AMUSEMENT OF
THESE LITTLE CHILDRENS?
YEP, YOU GOT IT, KID. [Chuckles]
YOU'RE DOIN' FINE. NOW
YOU'RE GETTIN' SOME LAUGHS.
JUST REMEMBER: ONE, CHUCKLES
IS THE STAR OF THE SHOW;
TWO, CHUCKLES TAKES THE HITS,
AND CHUCKLES GETS THE LAUGHS;
AND THREE...
AND THREE, IF
HOMEY DON'T LIKE IT,
HOMEY WON'T PLAY IT.
YEAH, WELL, UH, WE'LL
GET BACK TO THAT LATER.
♪♪ [Nonsensical Humming]
HEY, KIDS, WHO WANTS
TO SEE FLIPPO THE CLOWN...
DO A TRIPLE BACK SOMERSAULT
INTO THIS LITTLE GLASS OF WATER?
[Cheering] CAN'T HEAR YOU, KIDS.
- [All] WE DO!
- [Cheering Continues]
YOU ALL READY TO SEE
FLIPPO HAVE A BALL?
[All] YEAH!
- [Bell Dings]
- [Screaming]
[Children Laughing]
YOU KNOW, KIDS, HOMEY'S
KIND OF BEIN' A BAD CLOWN.
[Chuckles] NOW, YOU KNOW
WHAT WE DO TO BAD CLOWNS?
[All] WHAT? [Chuckles]
NOW THAT WAS FUNNY.
[Chuckles] [Children Laughing]
NOW WATCH THE BAD CLOWN
RETALIATE WITH A LITTLE MAGIC TRICK.
I'M GONNA MAKE THE FUNNY
CLOWN HERE DISAPPEAR.
ABRACADABRA, ABRACADAN.
GET YOUR ASS OUTTA
HERE AS FAST AS YOU CAN.
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!
NOW WHAT DID I TELL YOU, HUH?
I SAID IF IT BREAKS,
THAT AIN'T FUNNY.
NOW, CHUCKLES IS THE STAR OF THE
SHOW. WE'LL GET BACK TO YOU LATER.
OKAY, KIDS! [Cheering]
WHO WANTS TO SEE
CHUCKLES FLY? WE DO!
I CAN'T HEAR YOU, KIDS. WHO
WANTS TO SEE CHUCKLES FLY?
[Children] WE DO!
NOW, JUST LIGHT THE FUSE, AND DON'T DO
ANYTHING ELSE, YOU BONEHEAD. YOU GOT IT?
SURE. YOU WANT ME TO
TAKE ORDERS FROM YOU...
AND LET YOU TELL ME WHAT A
CLOWN IS REALLY SUPPOSED TO DO...
AND COMPLETELY REPRESS MY OWN
CREATIVE IMPULSE TO SATISFY YOUR CLOWN EGO.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, BONEHEAD?
GET INSIDE THE DAMN
CANNON. [Children Shouting]
IT'S TIME FOR HOMEY TO HAVE
SOME GOOD OL' JAILHOUSE FUN.
HEY, HEY, HEY!
SO, WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED, IF
NOTHING ELSE, LITTLE CHILDREN?
[Together] WHAT, HOMEY?
THAT JUST BECAUSE I
LOOK LIKE A CLOWN...
DON'T MEAN YOU CAN
TREAT ME LIKE ONE.
[Laughing, Cheering]
[Nonsensical Humming]
[Chuckles, Coughs]
OKAY, WHILE WE'RE SWEEPING
UP WHAT'S LEFT OF CHUCKLES,
WHY DON'T WE SING THE
CHUCKLES THE CLOWN SONG?
[Cheering] YEAH!
SING ALONG WITH ME. ♪
CHUCKLES THE CLOWN ♪
♪ CHUCKLES THE CLOWN ♪
- ♪ LOVED TO MESS AROUND ♪
- ♪ LOVED TO MESS AROUND ♪
♪ THAT'S WHY CHUCKLES IS
SPLATTERED ON THE GROUND ♪
♪ THAT'S WHY CHUCKLES IS
SPLATTERED ON THE GROUND ♪
♪ HE THOUGHT I WAS HIS TOOL
HE COULD TREAT ME LIKE A FOOL ♪
♪ BUT HOMEY SHOWED HIM
THAT HE AIN'T NOBODY'S SUCKER ♪
♪ AND WON'T BE ILL-TREATED BY NO LOW-LIFE
TWO-DOLLAR MINIMUM-WAGE-MAKIN' JACKASS ♪
Y'ALL BETTER SING
THIS DAMN SONG.
♪♪ [Singing Incoherently]
A'IGHT, THAT'S
CLOSE ENOUGH. YEAH!
♪♪ [Nonsensical Humming]
[Cheering]
♪♪ [Hip-hop]
[Mouthing Words] ♪ I DON'T
KNOW WHAT YOU COME TO DO ♪
♪ I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU COME TO DO ♪
[Mouthing Words] ♪ I DON'T
KNOW WHAT YOU COME TO DO ♪
♪ OH, GIRL ♪
♪ GIMME SOME OF THAT FUNKY ♪
[Mouthing Words] ♪ GIMME
SOME OF THAT GOOD THING ♪
♪ GIMME SOME OF
THAT FUNKY, FUNKY ♪
♪ GIMME SOME OF THAT GOOD
THING ♪ ♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAID ♪
♪ NOW GIMME SOME OF THAT FUNKY ♪
♪♪ [Ends]
♪♪ [Fanfare]
FOR YEARS NOW,
BLACK ENTREPRENEURS...
HAVE GREATLY CONTRIBUTED TO THE
SUCCESS OF BIG BUSINESS IN THIS COUNTRY...
WITHOUT RECEIVING FULL CREDIT FOR SOME
OF THEIR GROUNDBREAKING INNOVATIONS.
IN JULY OF 1979, JEROME
JOHNSON WORKED FOR ZACK'S AUTO.
WHILE PERFORMING SOME ROUTINE MAINTENANCE,
HE MADE A TRENDSETTING DISCOVERY.
HEY, JEROME, MAN, NOW
LOOK. BE CAREFUL, MAN.
I TRIED TO GET THAT NUT OFF THE OIL
PAN EARLIER, BUT IT WAS JUST ON TOO TIGHT.
HEY, MAN, I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.
I'VE BEEN DOING OIL
CHANGES SINCE I WAS 13.
SEE, ALL I GOTTA DO IS
GET A GOOD GRIP ON THIS...
[Grunting]
GOT IT!
HEY, MAN, WHAT'S...
HEY, WHAT'S UP?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, MAN! I GOT A
DATE IN A HALF AN HOUR, MAN!
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
HOLD IT ONE SECOND,
JEROME, MAN. YO, TAKE
A LOOK IN THE MIRROR.
OH! IT LOOKS ALL THE WAY LIVE!
OH, YEAH! THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
[Narrator] IT WAS AT THAT
MOMENT, THAT JEROME REALIZED...
HE HAD DISCOVERED
A NEW HAIRSTYLE.
Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD TIME
NOW. ALL RIGHT, MAN.
I JUST LOVE YOUR HAIR, JERRY.
[Smacking]
PULL!
SO TODAY WE SALUTE
JEROME JOHNSON,
INVENTOR OF THE JHERI CURL.
I'M TOMMY DAVIDSON, AND THIS HAS BEEN
ANOTHER GREAT MOMENT IN BLACK HISTORY.
HELLO, AND WELCOME TO EBONY,
JET, ESSENCE, RIGHT ON! SHOWCASE.
I'M YOUR HOST, LOUIE BEDFORD.
TONIGHT, IN THE TRADITION OF SPIKE
LEE, JOHN SINGLETON AND MATTY RICH,
WE'RE GOING TO MEET ONE OF THE
NEWEST YOUNG BLACK FILMMAKERS...
TO MAKE HIS MARK IN HOLLYWOOD.
WE'RE ON LOCATION ON
THE SET OF HIS LATEST FILM.
PLEASE GIVE A WARM
EBONY, JET, ESSENCE,
RIGHT ON! SHOWCASE
WELCOME TO JAMEEL JAMAAL.
JAMEEL, THANKS FOR JOINING US. YOU
SEEM AWFUL YOUNG TO BE A FILMMAKER.
ONLY SEVEN YEARS OLD.
SEE, THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE
WRONG. I'M SEVEN AND A HALF.
OKAY, SEVEN AND A HALF, AND YOU ALREADY
HAVE YOUR OWN PRODUCTION COMPANY?
THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S CALLED
FORTY CANDY BARS AND A BIKE.
YOU SEE, I STARTED
THIS COMPANY...
'CAUSE THERE'S NO
BLACKS IN KIDS' TV.
- CAN YOU GIVE US AN EXAMPLE?
- YEAH. THE FLINTSTONES.
ARE YOU TELLING ME THERE WERE
NO BLACKS IN THE CAVEMAN TIMES?
WHERE THE HELL DID
FRED GET THOSE RIBS?
THEM BIG ONES THAT
TIPPED OVER HIS CAR?
YOU DON'T GET THOSE
AT THE MALL, MAN!
BUT THAT'S JUST ONE EXAMPLE.
OKAY, WHAT ABOUT THE JETSONS? WHAT, THERE'S
NO BLACK PEOPLE IN THE FUTURE EITHER?
MAN, ALL THEY HAD TO DO WAS FLIP TWO
LETTERS, AND ELROY COULD HAVE BEEN LEROY.
SO YOU'RE SAYING THERE ARE NO BLACK
CHARACTERS IN CHILDREN'S PROGRAMMING?
JUST ONE... THE BROTHER ON
THE ROADRUNNER, WILLIE COYOTE.
OH, YOU MEAN WILE E.
COYOTE. HE'S A BROTHER?
YEAH. AND LOOK
WHAT THEY DID TO HIM.
HE DIDN'T HAVE NO JOB, HE
WAS ALWAYS BUYIN' STUFF,
YOU NEVER KNOW
WHERE HE GOT THE MONEY,
AND ALL HE WANTED WAS A
LITTLE GOLDEN BIRD FOR DINNER.
I CAN GO ON. I'VE
GOT CHARTS, GRAPHS,
DIAGRAMS AND REPORTS
TO BACK UP WHAT I'M SAYIN'.
- WELL, LET'S SEE 'EM.
- UH, MY DOG THREW UP ON 'EM.
NOW, MANY HAVE CALLED YOU THE YOUNG
SPIKE LEE, THE NEXT JOHN SINGLETON.
THAT STINKS, MAN!
I'M NOTHIN' LIKE THEM.
THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND
MY PAIN, MY SUFFERING.
I CAN'T DRIVE. I CAN'T
STAY UP PAST 8:00.
MAN, I'M WEARING
CARE BEAR UNDERPANTS.
I UNDERSTAND, JAMEEL, WE
HAVE A CLIP FROM YOUR FILM.
WOULD YOU MIND
SETTING THIS UP FOR US?
SURE. I MADE THIS MOVIE
FOR MY PEOPLE: THE KIDS.
IT'S A STORY OF A BOY WHO STANDS
UP FOR HIS RIGHTS AGAINST THE MAN.
IT'S CALLED THE
THREE LITTLE PIGS.
OPEN UP IN THERE! WE KNOW
THIS IS A CRACKERJACK HOUSE.
NO WAY, YOU THREE LITTLE PIGS!
YOU'RE NOT GONNA TREAT ME
LIKE YOU TREAT WILLIE COYOTE.
THAT'S IT. IF YOU DON'T OPEN UP, WE'RE
GONNA HUFF AND PUFF AND RUN YOUR BUTT IN.
JUST BECAUSE I'M BLACK DOESN'T
MEAN I'M A CRACKERJACK DEALER.
I'M A POSITIVE ROLE MODEL.
I'M NOT AFRAID OF NOTHING.
OH, THAT'S IT. I'M
GONNA TELL YOUR MOM.
[Screaming]
THERE'S A VERY POWERFUL MESSAGE
THERE, JAMEEL. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
THE MESSAGE IS THIS:
BUY MY THREE LITTLE PIGS
HATS, SHIRTS AND VIDEO GAMES.
I LEARNED THAT FROM SPIKE LEE.
AND WATCH FOR MY NEXT FILM,
LITTLE RED RIDING IN THE HOOD.
THANK YOU, JAMEEL, FOR
JOINING US. AND THANK YOU.
JOIN ME AGAIN ON THE EBONY,
JET, ESSENCE, RIGHT ON! SHOWCASE.
I'M YOUR HOST, LOUIE
BEDFORD. GOOD NIGHT.
♪♪ [Hip-hop]
OKAY, KIDS, LET'S GET
READY FOR SANTA CLAUS.
EVERYBODY STAND BACK. I'M
GONNA LIGHT THE FIREPLACE.
HO, HO, HO AND HOWDY, FOLKS.
MAKE WAY FOR FIRE
MARSHALL SANTA.
- HEY, KIDS, LOOK WHO'S HERE!
- [All Cheering]
- ARE YOU REALLY SANTA CLAUS?
- [Laughing]
ARE YOU JOKING? SANTA CLAUS IS JUST
A MARKETING TOOL FOR BIG BUSINESS.
WAKE UP, SON.
NO, I'M HERE TO MAKE SURE YOUR
HOLIDAY SEASON IS A SAFE ONE.
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE...
WERE DE-DE-DEADLY FIRE HAZARDS!
NOW, WHAT KIND OF SNACK WERE KIDS
GONNA LEAVE FOR THIS "SO-CALLED" ST. NICK?
- COOKIES!
- SOUNDS DELICIOUS.
BUT WHAT IF THE JAR
IS EMPTY THIS YEAR,
AND YOU DECIDE TO MAKE
HIM A WAFFLE INSTEAD?
YOU PULL OUT YOUR WAFFLE
IRON, YOU GO TO POUR IN THE MIX,
SOMEBODY SAYS, "HEY, LOOK. RUDOLPH'S
PINCHING A LOAF ON THE NEIGHBOR'S LAWN."
- WHERE? WHERE?
- [Sizzling]
FIRE MARSHALL SANTA,
DOESN'T THAT HURT?
LIKE THE DICKENS. [Laughs]
QUICK! SOMEBODY HAND
ME THE LOG CABIN SYRUP!
[Laughing]
HEY, LISTEN, BUDDY. THEY SAID YOU WERE
SUPPOSED TO BRING TOYS FOR THE KIDS.
TAKE A CHILL PILL, DAD. YOU CAN'T SING
"JINGLE BELLS" WHEN YOUR HEAD'S ON FIRE.
SAY, THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL
TREE YOU'VE GOT THERE.
LET SANTA SHOW YOU SOMETHING!
NOW, LET'S JUST SAY THE GUY WHO
SOLD YOU THIS CHRISTMAS TREE...
IS AN AVID BEAR HUNTER, AND HE
THREW IN A LITTLE SOMETHING EXTRA.
YOU STICK YOUR LEG IN THERE, TRYING
TO LOCATE THE BIGGEST PRESENT...
[Screaming, Gasping]
[Groaning]
FIRE MARSHALL
SANTA, ARE YOU OKAY?
[Laughing]
HO, HO, HO. NOTHING A LITTLE
EGG NOG AND DEMEROL WON'T FIX.
BUT WHAT ABOUT OUR TOYS, SANTA?
I BET I KNOW WHAT YOU
WANT, LITTLE DARLING.
WHAT?
A BARBIE POWER WHEELS CAR.
OH, YEAH! HOLD IT, CURLY SUE!
A GO-CART LIKE THIS
CAN BE A LOT OF FUN,
BUT IT CAN ALSO BE A FIERY
DEATH TRAP ON A HIGHWAY TO HELL.
LET'S JUST SAY THERE'S AN OUTBREAK
OF PSYCHOSIS AT THE NORTH POLE,
AND A DEMENTED ELF
SWITCHES YOUR LITTLE BATTERY...
WITH A V-6, 350-HORSEPOWER,
FUEL-INJECTED,
T-T-TURBO ENGINE... LIKE SO!
YOU'RE HAVING A
MANIC-DEPRESSIVE EPISODE.
[Engine Starts] YOU THINK YOU'RE
TOM CRUISE IN DAYS OF THUNDER.
YOU JUMP IN THE CAR, PUT YOUR PEDAL
TO THE METAL, AND HOLD ON, BARBIE!
[Tires Screeching]
OH, MY GOD! YOU PUT A
HOLE IN MY LIVING ROOM WALL!
YOU CALL IT A HOLE;
I CALL IT A FIRE EXIT.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO GET
THOSE WHEELS ALIGNED.
OKAY, CHILDREN, GATHER
AROUND WHILE SANTA GIVES
YOU THE SAFETY TIP THAT
COULD SAVE CHRISTMAS.
NOW, WHAT DO YOU LIKE
TO ROAST ON AN OPEN FIRE?
- CHESTNUTS!
- YOU GOT IT, PEANUTS GANG!
BUT SAY YOU'RE A
WORLD WAR II VETERAN,
AND YOU HAVEN'T CLEANED
OUT YOUR POCKETS SINCE D-DAY!
YOU'RE SEARCHING AROUND IN THERE,
TRYING TO COME UP WITH A CHESTNUT,
AND YOU ACCIDENTALLY PULL
OUT A LIVE HAND GRENADE.
- [All Gasping]
- SANTA, DON'T! NO!
EVERYBODY RELAX! TAKE
A CHILL PILL, WOULD YOU?
I AM A FIRE MARSHALL.
LET'S GET OUT!
CAN'T FOOL FIRE MARSHALL SANTA.
HE SEES YOU WHEN
YOU'RE SLEEPING,
AND HE KNOWS WHEN
YOU'RE ABOUT TO COMBUST.
IDIOT! I DON'T HAVE
ANY FIRE INSURANCE!
WELL, NOW YOU KNOW WHAT
TO ASK FOR NEXT CHRISTMAS.
- [Mutters]
- [Laughing]
HEY, THERE'S SOME YOUNG
TYKES BUILDING A SNOWMAN.
[Blows Whistle]
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, KIDS!
I THINK FROSTY COULD
USE A MUCH BIGGER NOSE.
LET SANTA SHOW YOU SOMETHING!
[All Screaming] [Explosion]
HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'D LIKE TO
INTRODUCE TO YOU OUR VERY SPECIAL GUEST.
DERRICK BROWN. SAY HI. HI.
HEY! OUR NEW
HONORARY CAST MEMBER.
AND ON BEHALF OF EVERYBODY
HERE AT IN LIVING COLOR,
WE'D LIKE TO WISH YOU A VERY
HAPPY HOLIDAY. HAPPY HOLIDAYS.
♪♪ [Hip-hop]