In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 3, Episode 12 - Sidekick in Nam - full transcript
[Man] FOX TELEVISION
PROUDLY PRESENTS...
THE WORLD'S VERY FIRST CONDOM
COMMERCIAL ON NETWORK TELEVISION.
DID YOU EVER NOTICE HOW
I DO ALL THESE ROUTINES?
SEE, I DO THE ROUTINES ABOUT
THE LITTLE KIDS BECAUSE I LIKE KIDS.
BUT THEN THEY START TO GROW
UP AND BECOME TEENAGERS,
AND I DON'T LIKE THEM ANYMORE
BECAUSE THEY'RE STUPID.
THEY'RE JUST STUPID. SEE,
MY OLDEST SON IS STUPID.
THE OTHER DAY, I WAS TRYING
TO GET INTO THE BATHROOM,
AND HE TELLS ME THAT HE WON'T
LET ME IN BECAUSE HE'S TRYING TO GO.
BUT EVERY TIME HE TRIES TO GO, IT
FEELS LIKE HIS PUDDING POP IS ON FIRE.
NOW,
MY BOY'S GOT BACK DRAFT
GOING OUT HIS BOXER SHORTS.
YOU SEE. AND, SEE, IT'S ALL BECAUSE
HE DIDN'T USE ANY PROTECTION!
NO PROTECTION, SEE?
THIS IS WHY I'M ENDORSING...
THE COSBY CONDOM.
SEE. THE COSBY CONDOM.
OKAY. SEE, THAT'S WHY, SEE...
AND THEY COME IN A
VARIETY OF COLORS,
FROM THE RED STRAWBERRY
TO THE LEMON YELLOW.
THEY COME IN THE GREEN GRAPE
AND THE PURPLE PASSION FRUIT, SEE.
AND, SEE, THERE'S
EVEN A SPECIAL...
SEE, IF YOU GET INTO THE BOX,
THEY GIVE YOU A SPECIAL ONE.
IT'S WHAT I CALL THE...
"HEY! HEY! HEY!" CONDOM, SEE.
SO THAT'S WHY... SEE, WHEN
YOU'RE WITH YOUR WOMAN, SEE,
AND YOU START WHISPERING, YOU KNOW,
SWEET LITTLE NOTHINGS INTO THE EAR...
AND IT'S "FARVY,
FARVIES, FAR-FA-FAR-FAR."
SEE, AND NOW YOUR TONGUE
IS GOING INTO THE EAR...
THEN YOUR WIFE, CAMILLE'S, EYES
STARTS GOING UP INTO THE HEAD,
SEE, AND SHE STARTS
MAKING THOSE SOUNDS LIKE...
[Gibberish]
AND THEN SHE STARTS
MAKING FACES LIKE, YOU KNOW...
[Gibberish]
AND THEN YOU FEEL SAFE IN KNOWING
THAT YOU WON'T GET ANY FUNKY DISEASES.
AND YOU ALWAYS WILL KNOW
YOU WON'T MAKE ANY KIDS...
THAT WILL GROW UP
AND BECOME STUPID!
SO BEFORE YOU DIP YOUR
SPOON INTO THE PUDDING,
MAKE SURE YOU'RE
WEARING A COSBY CONDOM!
THANK YOU.
[Cosby Continues] TAKE IT FROM
AMERICA'S MOST BELOVED FATHER...
I'D RATHER BE SINGLE!
[Groans]
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP AND
SIP ON A DREAM ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE ON A
FUNKY SCENE ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO ♪♪
[Man] FRIDAY, SEE ALL YOUR
FAVORITE STAND-UP STEREOTYPES...
ON H.B.O.'S TIRED COMEDY NITE.
MEET THE INSECURE GIRL.
BETWEEN COLONEL SANDERS
AND THE HÄAGEN-DAZS, YOU KNOW.
[Audience Laughing]
I MEAN, YOU EVER HEARD
OF THUNDER THIGHS?
I MEAN, I... I GOT
SONIC BOOM THIGHS.
[Laughing, Cheering]
MY BIOLOGICAL CLOCK IS TICKING SO
LOUD... I WENT OUT TO DINNER LAST NIGHT,
AND THEY HAD TO CALL
IN THE BOMB SQUAD.
[Man] OR GET CRAZY
WITH THE OLD GUY.
THE WHOLE WORLD IS CRAZY, MAN!
MAN, WOMEN TODAY...
WOMEN TODAY ARE CRAZY, MAN!
MY WIFE... Y'ALL
DON'T KNOW MY WIFE...
'CAUSE MY WIFE IS CRAZY, MAN!
YOU EVER EAT CHEESE DOODLES?
CHEESE DOODLES ARE CRAZY!
[Man] OR HOW ABOUT THE
INSIGHTS OF MR. STEREOTYPE!
BUT YOU EVER CHECK OUT, LIKE, WHITE
PEOPLE, MAN, WHEN THEY'RE LIKE JUST TYPING?
LIKE, DOING THE
TYPEWRITER JUST...
BUT, LISTEN, BROTHERS BE TYPING... THEY
BE TYPING WITH THEIR ELBOWS. THEY ALL...
OR YOU EVER CHECK OUT, LIKE,
SURGEONS? LIKE, WHITE SURGEONS...
WHEN THEY'RE, LIKE, DOING
SURGERY, THEY'RE LIKE,
"PASS ME THE SCALPEL, PLEASE."
BUT LET IT BE SOME BROTHERS, RIGHT?
THEY'D BE LIKE, "YO, HOMEGIRL,
PASS ME THE SCALPEL.
I'M 'BOUT TO CUT UP
SOME RIBS!" [Laughs]
ALL Y'ALL, CHECK OUT.
NO, HOLD IT. HOLD IT. HOLD
YOURSELF, THOUGH. HOLD YOURSELF.
HOLD... NO, SEE,
HOLD UP. HOLD UP.
WHITE PRESIDENTS, THEY GO
FISHING AND TALKING ABOUT,
"A THOUSAND POINTS OF LIGHT,"
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
BUT LET IT BE A BLACK
PRESIDENT, JACK.
SEE, WE BE EATING THE
FISH, RIGHT, TALKING ABOUT,
"WHO DIDN'T PAY THE LIGHT BILL?"
[Man] AND WHO'D WANT TO
MISS THE STUPID PROP GUY?
I'LL BE BACK.
OKAY. OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. OKAY.
BLACK BALL, WHITE BALL...
JUGGLE FEVER!
OKAY, FOR MY LAST PIECE,
I WOULD LIKE TO DEMONSTRATE THAT I AM
NOT ONLY A BRILLIANT STAND-UP COMEDIAN,
I AM ALSO A VERY
ACCOMPLISHED ESCAPE ARTIST.
OKAY!
[Man] IT'S A LAUGH-O-RAMA
YOU WON'T WANT TO MISS!
SO JOIN US THIS FRIDAY, LIVE FROM
THE WACKY DOODLES NIGHTCLUB,
FOR H.B.O.'S TIRED COMEDY NITE!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO
THE FULTON COMMUNITY FILM FESTIVAL.
OUR FIRST FILM, MY ARMS ARE TOO
SHORT TO SLAP YOU UPSIDE YOUR HEAD,
WILL BEGIN IN FIVE MINUTES.
THIS IS IT, MAMA!
AFTER EVERYONE SEES MY FILM
DEBUT, I'M GONNA BE A BIG STAR.
AND THEY'RE GONNA
MAKE A LIL MAGIC DOLL...
WITH ADJUSTABLE HAIR
EXTENSIONS. UH, LIL MAGIC...
WE CAN MOVE OUT OF THE
PROJECTS AND INTO A TRAILER PARK...
AND GET A PLASTIC POOL
AND PUT IT IN THE FRONT YARD.
LIL MAGIC... AND YOU CAN GET THE
FAT SUCKED OUT OF YOUR BUTT...
SO IT DON'T LOOK LIKE A BEAN
BAG CHAIR NO MORE. OH, HUSH UP!
SORRY, MAMA. OH, THAT'S MY BABY,
BUT YOU KNOW MAMA CAN'T THINK
WHEN YOU'RE DOING ALL THAT TALKIN'!
I KNOW, MAMA!
NOW LOOK HERE. YOU
STAY RIGHT HERE, LIL MAGIC,
AND DON'T LET NOBODY
COME IN THIS HERE ROOM.
DON'T WORRY, MAMA, I
WON'T. NOT EVEN IF THE
MOST FAMOUS PRODUCER
COMES TO ME AND SAYS,
"HI! YOU'RE THE MOST TALENTED,
LITTLEST GIRL... [Clattering]
IN THE WHOLE WIDE, HUMONGOUS,
'BUBBLICIOUS, ' 'BUFASCIOUS'..."
- HUSH UP!
- SORRY, MAMA.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING OVER THERE?
HI! I'M LIL MAGIC,
MISS SMILE BRITE, 1987!
SEE! PLEASE. SIT DOWN.
HI!
YOU GONNA BE A STAR, BABY!
[Lil Magic Clapping, Whistling]
HI! I'M THE MIRACLE WORKER.
YOU MUST BE LITTLE HELEN
KELLER, THE BLIND AND DEAF GIRL.
YOU CANNOT SEE
NOR HEAR. COME HERE.
LET ME TEACH YOU SIGN LANGUAGE.
OH, YOU SUCH A PRETTY GIRL.
AND I'LL BET YOU'RE
TALENTED TOO. I AM!
[Whispering] NOW, LIL MAGIC. HOW
MANY TIMES I DONE TOLD YOU, BABY...
YOU CAN'T TALK, YOU BLIND.
OH, I'M SORRY, MAMA.
S-SORRY.
NOW, SIT DOWN. I'M GONNA
TEACH YOU HOW TO USE A SPOON.
[Whispering] GO
AND SIT DOWN, GIRL.
[Straining]
NO!
[Whimpering]
NO!
MAYBE SHE MIGHT COULD USE TWO.
OH, MY!
A BLIND AND DEAF GIRL
WHO CAN PLAY THE SPOONS...
AND SING AND DANCE!
♪ AND I AM TELLIN' YOU ♪
- GO, HELEN KELLER! GO!
- ♪ I'M NOT GOING ♪
♪ YOU'RE THE BEST
MAN I'LL EVER KNOW ♪
♪ THERE'S NO WAY I
COULD EVER GO ♪♪
SWALLOW THE CANE, BABY.
SWALLOW THE CANE, LIL MAGIC.
WAIT. YOU FORGOT
TO SET IT ON FIRE.
OH! SORRY, MAMA.
[Audience Booing] THAT'S IT.
THAT WAS WONDERFUL!
GUESS YOU WERE RIGHT,
MAMA. I'M GONNA BE A BIG STAR!
OH, MAMA KNOWS, LIL MAGIC.
YOU KNOW, THEY BOOED
TODD BRIDGES AND J.J. WALKER...
WHEN THEY FIRST STARTED,
AND LOOK WHERE THEY AT NOW.
COME ON. LET'S GO
CELEBRATE AT THE FATBURGER.
CAN I HAVE THE WHOLE
HAMBURGER THIS TIME? OH, HUSH UP!
YOU BETTER PUT THAT DOWN.
WE ARE WATCHING. COME ON, BABY.
[Cheering]
HE'S SAFE!
DON'T LOOK SO DOWN,
SON. IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT.
YES, IT WAS, DAD.
I PLAYED HORRIBLE
THE WHOLE GAME.
I JUST WASN'T MYSELF.
IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR CONFIDENCE IS
DOWN. IS THERE SOMETHING ON YOUR MIND?
I DON'T KNOW. I
JUST DON'T FEEL...
- FRESH?
- WELL, YEAH.
IT'S HARD TO CONCENTRATE WHEN YOU'RE
WORRIED ABOUT MASCULINE HYGIENE, ISN'T IT?
YEAH. WELL, WHAT
SHOULD I DO ABOUT IT?
- TRY THESE.
- TES-T-SHIELDS?
THEY'RE PROTECTIVE
LININGS YOU PUT IN YOUR CUP...
TO GIVE YOU MORE CONFIDENCE.
[Man] EACH TES-T-SHIELD IS
FILLED WITH TINY AIR TUNNELS,
ALLOWING COOL AIR TO
CIRCULATE THROUGHOUT YOUR CUP.
AT THE SAME TIME, AROMA SENSORS
RELEASE AN EXHILARATING FRAGRANCE,
HELPING YOU STAY FRESH ALL DAY.
WOW! TES-T-SHIELDS
DOES ALL THAT?
AND MORE. THEY EVEN
COME WITH WINGS.
WINGS? WELL, WHAT FOR?
LORD KNOWS. BUT THE IMPORTANT
THING IS, IS THEY'RE COMFORTABLE.
HOW DO YOU KNOW
SO MUCH ABOUT THIS?
SON, DO YOU SMELL THAT PINE TAR?
[Sniffing] YEAH.
I'M WEARING 'EM RIGHT NOW.
EVEN AT MY AGE, I
NEED A LITTLE MORE.
WOW. I'LL GIVE THESE
TES-T-SHIELDS A TRY.
[Cheering]
HE'S OUT!
SON, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU
GOT YOUR CONFIDENCE BACK.
THANKS TO YOU, DAD. NO,
THANKS TO TES-T-SHIELDS.
[Man] TES-T-SHIELDS
FROM PLAYFREE.
THE MANLY WAY TO STAY FRESH,
CONFIDENT AND PROTECTED ALL DAY LONG.
NOW AVAILABLE IN THREE SCENTS...
PINE TAR, HERBAL AND COWHIDE LEATHER.
[Man] IN THE GREAT TRADITION OF
BLACK CHARACTERS IN CROSSOVER FILMS,
SIDEKICK'S BACK, AND
THIS TIME HE'S IN 'NAM.
ARE THERE REAL
BULLETS IN THIS THING?
NOW! [Whimpering]
I CAN'T TAKE IT, MAN.
COME ON, MAN. SHOW THESE
BASTARDS WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF!
NOW! YOU'VE GOT TO BE
BRAVE FOR ME, MAN. REMEMBER?
I'M THE BLACK GUY.
- OH, YEAH, SORRY.
- NOW!
NOBODY DOES THAT TO MY FRIEND!
OH, MY GOD. WAS I HIT?
I GREASED HIM, MAN. COME
ON. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!
HEY, THANKS, PARTNER. YOU'RE THE
BEST. I'M NOTHING WITHOUT YOU, MAN.
STAY BEHIND ME. SURE THING.
[Radio] ♪ IT WAS JUST
MY IMAGINATION ♪
♪ RUNNIN' AWAY
WITH ME ♪ HOLD IT.
GREAT. THE TEMPS, MAN. WE USED
TO GROOVE TO THIS BACK HOME.
DAMN. WE ALMOST
RAN INTO A BOOBY TRAP.
YEAH. CHARLIE.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO GO OVER IT.
♪♪ [Continues, Faint]
[Creaking]
[Projectile Swooshing]
OKAY, THIS WAY.
UH, YEAH. RIGHT.
IT'S AN AMBUSH. GET DOWN!
OH, NO! BLOOD!
I'VE BEEN HIT IN MY PINKY!
OWEE. OWEE!
I DON'T WANNA DIE. I
GOTTA SEE MY MAMA AGAIN.
COME ON, PAL. IT'S JUST A NICK.
I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS.
I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS.
COME ON. HANG ON, BUDDY.
HANG ON. I CAN'T, MAN!
I HAVE TO DIE. WHY? WHY?
SO YOU CAN GO CRAZY AND
GET REVENGE ON CHARLIE...
BY WINNING THE BATTLE
SINGLE-HANDEDLY.
OH, YEAH.
[Groans]
NO!
[Man] SIDEKICK GIVES A WHOLE
NEW MEANING TO JUNGLE FEVER IN...
SIDEKICK IN 'NAM!
COMING FROM FOX.
♪ WHAT YOU SAY, UH OOH, YEAH ♪
♪ WHAT YOU SAY, UH OOH, YEAH ♪
♪ WHAT YOU SAY, UH OOH, YEAH ♪
♪ WHAT YOU SAY, UH OOH, YEAH ♪
♪ OH, BABY ♪ ♪ WHAT
YOU SAY, UH OOH, YEAH ♪
♪ WHAT YOU SAY, UH OOH, YEAH ♪
♪ THIS IS A HUSTLE
DON'T WANNA TUSSLE ♪
♪ JUST HELP ME THAT'S
FOR SURE ♪ ♪ OOH, YEAH ♪
♪ OH, BABY ♪
♪ MM-MM-MM ♪
♪ THIS IS A HUSTLE
DON'T WANNA TUSSLE ♪♪
HEY, MAN, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT
THIS BLIND DATE THING, MAN.
OH, MAN, DON'T BAIL OUT ON ME
NOW, MAN. IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
I PROMISE YOU. TONIGHT WILL BE
A NIGHT YOU WILL NEVER FORGET.
GIRL, HOW DO I LOOK? I TOLD
YOU, WANDA, YOU LOOK FINE.
OH, YOU DON'T THINK THIS
DRESS IS TOO TIGHT, DO YOU?
NO, GIRL, YOU LOOK PERFECT.
OKAY, THEN. OKAY, THEN.
COME ON. THERE THEY ARE.
PUT THE COMPACT AWAY.
GIRL, I HOPE HE AIN'T UGLY
'CAUSE I CAN'T STAND NO UGLY MAN.
NO, NO, NO. HE'S CUTE.
OH, NO, WAIT A MINUTE.
NO, SHE... NO, SHE DIDN'T.
SHE DONE TRY TO
HAVE MY DRESS ON.
SHE JUST... AND UGLY.
WANDA, THAT'S NOT
NICE. THAT'S NOT RIGHT.
IF SHE UGLY, SHE JUST UGLY.
AIN'T NO IFS, ANDS OR BUTS.
WHO YOU LOOKIN' AT? COME ON.
DAMN! HEY! WAIT,
WAIT! WHOA! WHOA!
WAIT UP! WAIT UP, NOW!
THIS IS CARL. THIS IS WANDA.
CARL. WANDA.
OH. OH!
I'M... I'M SORRY.
HE IS CUTE, GIRL. I TOLD YOU.
CALM DOWN. YOU'RE SO STIFF!
WELL, YOU GONNA PULL
MY CHAIR OUT FOR ME?
YOU'RE CRAZY.
OOH! MY THROAT IS DRY.
OOH, CAN WE GET SOMETHIN'
TO DRINK OR SOMETHIN'?
BARTENDER, GIVE ME
SOME WATER. WATER?
UH, SO THIS IS REALLY
NICE. UM, WANDA,
TAMMY TELLS ME THAT
YOU WENT TO POLY "U"?
OH, OH, YEAH. THAT'S
RIGHT. FOR REAL, THOUGH.
I WAS STUDYING IN
COMMUNICATIONS.
BUT, UH, I'M TRYIN'
TO GO INTO MODELING.
INTERESTING. THAT'S INTERESTING,
SEE, 'CAUSE CARL HERE,
HE'S A PHOTOGRAPHER. OH,
FOR REAL THOUGH? FOR REAL?
WELL, YOU COULD TAKE SOME
PICTURES OF ME 'CAUSE, SEE,
MY MAMA ALWAYS SAID THAT
I WAS REAL "PHOTOGENTICAL."
AND, SEE, I WANNA TAKE
SOME OF THOSE SEXY PICTURES,
YOU KNOW, IN THEM
"LINGERAY" DRAWS. [Retches]
YOU KNOW, "LINGERAY." UH, UH,
LOOK. I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM.
GIMME YOUR KEYS, MAN! MAN, YOU
AIN'T GOIN' NOWHERE, CARL. YOU OWE ME.
MAN, THE GIRL LOOKS
LIKE A DAMN JACKAL!
LOOK, DON'T START WITH ME, MAN.
YOU REMEMBER BETHESDA WILLIS?
SHE LOOKED LIKE EARNIE SHAVERS,
MAN. I WAS POPPIN' BLACKHEADS ALL NIGHT.
MAN, YOU GONNA HOLD
THAT TO ME RIGHT NOW? YES!
JUST STAY HERE TILL I
GIVE YOU THE SIGNAL.
CHILL, MAN. IS SOMETHIN' WRONG?
UH, NO, BABY, BUT...
[Whispering] I THOUGHT YOU
SAID YOUR FRIEND WAS CUTE.
WELL, I THINK SHE IS CUTE. AND, UH,
BESIDES, IT'S NOT WHAT'S ON THE OUTSIDE,
IT'S WHAT'S ON THE
INSIDE THAT COUNTS.
WELL, SOMEBODY SHOULD
FLIP HER UGLY ASS INSIDE OUT.
WHAT DID HE SAY? I
KNOW YOU NOT TRIPPIN'.
NO, NO. HE SAID... HE SAID...
I KNOW HE IS NOT TRIPPIN'.
HE SAID MAYBE Y'ALL SHOULD GET OUT ON THE
DANCE FLOOR AND TURN THIS MAMMA JAMMA OUT.
RIGHT. I HEARD YOU
ALL. LET'S GO DANCE.
COME ON. I DON'T
LIKE THE DEEJAY.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU GUYS JUST TALK?
YOU KNOW, GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER.
I BET YOU HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.
FOR REAL. FOR REAL THOUGH.
NOW, LOOK HERE, MY
LITTLE CHOCOLATE ANGEL,
HOW MIGHT A BROTHER LIKE MYSELF
GET ALL UP ON THIS FRAME OF YOURS?
WELL, JUST KEEP
SAYIN' THE RIGHT THING.
OPEN SESAME. [Laughs]
UH, DO YOU LIKE ALLIGATORS?
- I HATE 'EM.
- OH, I DON'T LIKE 'EM EITHER.
THEY SKIN SO ROUGH.
THANK YOU. DON'T BE
TRYIN' TO TALK TO ME!
HE TRIED TO TALK TO ME.
HE TRYIN' TO TALK TO ME.
YOU SEE HIM?
BETTER BE GLAD THIS AIN'T
NO LIQUOR 'CAUSE COME 12:00,
I TURN INTO A WOLF.
MUST BE A QUARTER TO 1:00.
YOU SO CRAZY! HE'S
SO CRAZY. THAT'S...
I LIKED AT YOU WHEN
I FIRST "SEENED" YOU.
YOU MY TYPE. YOU CRAZY.
LOOK, UH, I GOTTA GO
GET SOME CHAPSTICK, MAN.
OH, NO. THAT'S OKAY.
UH-UH. I GOT SOME VASELINE.
YOU GOTTA... YOU GOTTA WORK
AROUND THE SIDES AND STUFF.
LOOK, I... I GOTTA GO GET
SOME CIGARETTES, Y'ALL.
I GOTTA GO GET SOME
CIGARETTES. OH, THAT'S OKAY.
I GOT CIGARETTES TOO. YOU
AIN'T GOT TO GO NOWHERE.
UH, GOTTA GET SOME
MATCHES. OH, YOU SO SILLY.
YOU KNOW IF I GOT
CIGARETTES, I GOT MATCHES.
UH, I NEED GAS FOR MY
CAR. WHAT YOU NEED?
UNLEADED OR SUPREME?
YOU AIN'T GOT TO GO
NOWHERE. I GOT YOU.
I HAVE YOU. YOU MINE.
HEY.
WORD UP.
HEY! IT'S GETTIN' KIND OF
UGLY... UH, IT'S GETTIN' LATE.
- UH, SO, CARL. MAN, I GOTTA GET OUT...
- THE NIGHT'S JUST STARTIN'.
HEY, MAN, YOU IN
MY ASS! HEY, MAN...
WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?
IS YOUR FRIEND ON CRACK?
NO, HE'S BEEN DIETING, YOU KNOW.
[Clears Throat]
[Clears Throat]
I'M READY TO GO.
LOOK, WANDA, WE'LL LEAVE
IN A FEW MINUTES, ALL RIGHT?
I SAID, I AM READY TO GO.
I'M GONNA CALL YOU A CAB.
YOU AIN'T GOT TO CALL ME NO CAB.
WE CAME TOGETHER, WE'LL LEAVE
TOGETHER. WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT?
SEE, Y-YOU TRYIN' TO TRICK SOMEBODY.
YOU TRYIN' TO TRICK SOMEBODY.
BUT I KNOW ALL Y'ALL
WANNA DO IS GET HER STUFF.
WANDA... WAIT, WAIT. YOU
DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME.
LOOK, I AIN'T GOT TO
KNOW NOTHIN' ABOUT YOU!
OKAY? I AIN'T GOT TO
KNOW NOTHIN' ABOUT YOU.
ALL RIGHT? DO I HAVE TO
KNOW SOMETHIN' ABOUT YOU?
- NO, MA'AM.
- LET'S GO, GIRL. LET'S GO.
UM, YOU SEE HER... GIRL,
HE AIN'T NO GOOD. LET'S GO.
I'M SORRY. GIRL, HE AIN'T
NO GOOD. LET'S JUST GO.
HERE MY NUMBER. CALL ME.
I'LL ROCK YOUR WORLD.
I THINK IT WAS, UM,
ANDY WARHOL THAT SAID,
"EVERYONE GETS
15 MINUTES OF FAME."
SO, I'M ABOUT TO GIVE
SOMEBODY 15 SECONDS...
IT WAS 15 SECONDS
RIGHT? [Kim] YEAH, 15. WAIT...
[Kelly] FIFTEEN MINUTES.
FIFTEEN MINUTES.
FIFTEEN MINUTES? WELL, I'M
GIVING SOMEBODY 15 SECONDS.
ANGIE... IT'S YOUR
15. SAY GOOD NIGHT.
THANKS FOR JOINING US,
EVERYBODY. GOOD NIGHT.
PROUDLY PRESENTS...
THE WORLD'S VERY FIRST CONDOM
COMMERCIAL ON NETWORK TELEVISION.
DID YOU EVER NOTICE HOW
I DO ALL THESE ROUTINES?
SEE, I DO THE ROUTINES ABOUT
THE LITTLE KIDS BECAUSE I LIKE KIDS.
BUT THEN THEY START TO GROW
UP AND BECOME TEENAGERS,
AND I DON'T LIKE THEM ANYMORE
BECAUSE THEY'RE STUPID.
THEY'RE JUST STUPID. SEE,
MY OLDEST SON IS STUPID.
THE OTHER DAY, I WAS TRYING
TO GET INTO THE BATHROOM,
AND HE TELLS ME THAT HE WON'T
LET ME IN BECAUSE HE'S TRYING TO GO.
BUT EVERY TIME HE TRIES TO GO, IT
FEELS LIKE HIS PUDDING POP IS ON FIRE.
NOW,
MY BOY'S GOT BACK DRAFT
GOING OUT HIS BOXER SHORTS.
YOU SEE. AND, SEE, IT'S ALL BECAUSE
HE DIDN'T USE ANY PROTECTION!
NO PROTECTION, SEE?
THIS IS WHY I'M ENDORSING...
THE COSBY CONDOM.
SEE. THE COSBY CONDOM.
OKAY. SEE, THAT'S WHY, SEE...
AND THEY COME IN A
VARIETY OF COLORS,
FROM THE RED STRAWBERRY
TO THE LEMON YELLOW.
THEY COME IN THE GREEN GRAPE
AND THE PURPLE PASSION FRUIT, SEE.
AND, SEE, THERE'S
EVEN A SPECIAL...
SEE, IF YOU GET INTO THE BOX,
THEY GIVE YOU A SPECIAL ONE.
IT'S WHAT I CALL THE...
"HEY! HEY! HEY!" CONDOM, SEE.
SO THAT'S WHY... SEE, WHEN
YOU'RE WITH YOUR WOMAN, SEE,
AND YOU START WHISPERING, YOU KNOW,
SWEET LITTLE NOTHINGS INTO THE EAR...
AND IT'S "FARVY,
FARVIES, FAR-FA-FAR-FAR."
SEE, AND NOW YOUR TONGUE
IS GOING INTO THE EAR...
THEN YOUR WIFE, CAMILLE'S, EYES
STARTS GOING UP INTO THE HEAD,
SEE, AND SHE STARTS
MAKING THOSE SOUNDS LIKE...
[Gibberish]
AND THEN SHE STARTS
MAKING FACES LIKE, YOU KNOW...
[Gibberish]
AND THEN YOU FEEL SAFE IN KNOWING
THAT YOU WON'T GET ANY FUNKY DISEASES.
AND YOU ALWAYS WILL KNOW
YOU WON'T MAKE ANY KIDS...
THAT WILL GROW UP
AND BECOME STUPID!
SO BEFORE YOU DIP YOUR
SPOON INTO THE PUDDING,
MAKE SURE YOU'RE
WEARING A COSBY CONDOM!
THANK YOU.
[Cosby Continues] TAKE IT FROM
AMERICA'S MOST BELOVED FATHER...
I'D RATHER BE SINGLE!
[Groans]
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP AND
SIP ON A DREAM ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE ON A
FUNKY SCENE ♪ ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO ♪♪
[Man] FRIDAY, SEE ALL YOUR
FAVORITE STAND-UP STEREOTYPES...
ON H.B.O.'S TIRED COMEDY NITE.
MEET THE INSECURE GIRL.
BETWEEN COLONEL SANDERS
AND THE HÄAGEN-DAZS, YOU KNOW.
[Audience Laughing]
I MEAN, YOU EVER HEARD
OF THUNDER THIGHS?
I MEAN, I... I GOT
SONIC BOOM THIGHS.
[Laughing, Cheering]
MY BIOLOGICAL CLOCK IS TICKING SO
LOUD... I WENT OUT TO DINNER LAST NIGHT,
AND THEY HAD TO CALL
IN THE BOMB SQUAD.
[Man] OR GET CRAZY
WITH THE OLD GUY.
THE WHOLE WORLD IS CRAZY, MAN!
MAN, WOMEN TODAY...
WOMEN TODAY ARE CRAZY, MAN!
MY WIFE... Y'ALL
DON'T KNOW MY WIFE...
'CAUSE MY WIFE IS CRAZY, MAN!
YOU EVER EAT CHEESE DOODLES?
CHEESE DOODLES ARE CRAZY!
[Man] OR HOW ABOUT THE
INSIGHTS OF MR. STEREOTYPE!
BUT YOU EVER CHECK OUT, LIKE, WHITE
PEOPLE, MAN, WHEN THEY'RE LIKE JUST TYPING?
LIKE, DOING THE
TYPEWRITER JUST...
BUT, LISTEN, BROTHERS BE TYPING... THEY
BE TYPING WITH THEIR ELBOWS. THEY ALL...
OR YOU EVER CHECK OUT, LIKE,
SURGEONS? LIKE, WHITE SURGEONS...
WHEN THEY'RE, LIKE, DOING
SURGERY, THEY'RE LIKE,
"PASS ME THE SCALPEL, PLEASE."
BUT LET IT BE SOME BROTHERS, RIGHT?
THEY'D BE LIKE, "YO, HOMEGIRL,
PASS ME THE SCALPEL.
I'M 'BOUT TO CUT UP
SOME RIBS!" [Laughs]
ALL Y'ALL, CHECK OUT.
NO, HOLD IT. HOLD IT. HOLD
YOURSELF, THOUGH. HOLD YOURSELF.
HOLD... NO, SEE,
HOLD UP. HOLD UP.
WHITE PRESIDENTS, THEY GO
FISHING AND TALKING ABOUT,
"A THOUSAND POINTS OF LIGHT,"
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
BUT LET IT BE A BLACK
PRESIDENT, JACK.
SEE, WE BE EATING THE
FISH, RIGHT, TALKING ABOUT,
"WHO DIDN'T PAY THE LIGHT BILL?"
[Man] AND WHO'D WANT TO
MISS THE STUPID PROP GUY?
I'LL BE BACK.
OKAY. OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. OKAY.
BLACK BALL, WHITE BALL...
JUGGLE FEVER!
OKAY, FOR MY LAST PIECE,
I WOULD LIKE TO DEMONSTRATE THAT I AM
NOT ONLY A BRILLIANT STAND-UP COMEDIAN,
I AM ALSO A VERY
ACCOMPLISHED ESCAPE ARTIST.
OKAY!
[Man] IT'S A LAUGH-O-RAMA
YOU WON'T WANT TO MISS!
SO JOIN US THIS FRIDAY, LIVE FROM
THE WACKY DOODLES NIGHTCLUB,
FOR H.B.O.'S TIRED COMEDY NITE!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO
THE FULTON COMMUNITY FILM FESTIVAL.
OUR FIRST FILM, MY ARMS ARE TOO
SHORT TO SLAP YOU UPSIDE YOUR HEAD,
WILL BEGIN IN FIVE MINUTES.
THIS IS IT, MAMA!
AFTER EVERYONE SEES MY FILM
DEBUT, I'M GONNA BE A BIG STAR.
AND THEY'RE GONNA
MAKE A LIL MAGIC DOLL...
WITH ADJUSTABLE HAIR
EXTENSIONS. UH, LIL MAGIC...
WE CAN MOVE OUT OF THE
PROJECTS AND INTO A TRAILER PARK...
AND GET A PLASTIC POOL
AND PUT IT IN THE FRONT YARD.
LIL MAGIC... AND YOU CAN GET THE
FAT SUCKED OUT OF YOUR BUTT...
SO IT DON'T LOOK LIKE A BEAN
BAG CHAIR NO MORE. OH, HUSH UP!
SORRY, MAMA. OH, THAT'S MY BABY,
BUT YOU KNOW MAMA CAN'T THINK
WHEN YOU'RE DOING ALL THAT TALKIN'!
I KNOW, MAMA!
NOW LOOK HERE. YOU
STAY RIGHT HERE, LIL MAGIC,
AND DON'T LET NOBODY
COME IN THIS HERE ROOM.
DON'T WORRY, MAMA, I
WON'T. NOT EVEN IF THE
MOST FAMOUS PRODUCER
COMES TO ME AND SAYS,
"HI! YOU'RE THE MOST TALENTED,
LITTLEST GIRL... [Clattering]
IN THE WHOLE WIDE, HUMONGOUS,
'BUBBLICIOUS, ' 'BUFASCIOUS'..."
- HUSH UP!
- SORRY, MAMA.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING OVER THERE?
HI! I'M LIL MAGIC,
MISS SMILE BRITE, 1987!
SEE! PLEASE. SIT DOWN.
HI!
YOU GONNA BE A STAR, BABY!
[Lil Magic Clapping, Whistling]
HI! I'M THE MIRACLE WORKER.
YOU MUST BE LITTLE HELEN
KELLER, THE BLIND AND DEAF GIRL.
YOU CANNOT SEE
NOR HEAR. COME HERE.
LET ME TEACH YOU SIGN LANGUAGE.
OH, YOU SUCH A PRETTY GIRL.
AND I'LL BET YOU'RE
TALENTED TOO. I AM!
[Whispering] NOW, LIL MAGIC. HOW
MANY TIMES I DONE TOLD YOU, BABY...
YOU CAN'T TALK, YOU BLIND.
OH, I'M SORRY, MAMA.
S-SORRY.
NOW, SIT DOWN. I'M GONNA
TEACH YOU HOW TO USE A SPOON.
[Whispering] GO
AND SIT DOWN, GIRL.
[Straining]
NO!
[Whimpering]
NO!
MAYBE SHE MIGHT COULD USE TWO.
OH, MY!
A BLIND AND DEAF GIRL
WHO CAN PLAY THE SPOONS...
AND SING AND DANCE!
♪ AND I AM TELLIN' YOU ♪
- GO, HELEN KELLER! GO!
- ♪ I'M NOT GOING ♪
♪ YOU'RE THE BEST
MAN I'LL EVER KNOW ♪
♪ THERE'S NO WAY I
COULD EVER GO ♪♪
SWALLOW THE CANE, BABY.
SWALLOW THE CANE, LIL MAGIC.
WAIT. YOU FORGOT
TO SET IT ON FIRE.
OH! SORRY, MAMA.
[Audience Booing] THAT'S IT.
THAT WAS WONDERFUL!
GUESS YOU WERE RIGHT,
MAMA. I'M GONNA BE A BIG STAR!
OH, MAMA KNOWS, LIL MAGIC.
YOU KNOW, THEY BOOED
TODD BRIDGES AND J.J. WALKER...
WHEN THEY FIRST STARTED,
AND LOOK WHERE THEY AT NOW.
COME ON. LET'S GO
CELEBRATE AT THE FATBURGER.
CAN I HAVE THE WHOLE
HAMBURGER THIS TIME? OH, HUSH UP!
YOU BETTER PUT THAT DOWN.
WE ARE WATCHING. COME ON, BABY.
[Cheering]
HE'S SAFE!
DON'T LOOK SO DOWN,
SON. IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT.
YES, IT WAS, DAD.
I PLAYED HORRIBLE
THE WHOLE GAME.
I JUST WASN'T MYSELF.
IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR CONFIDENCE IS
DOWN. IS THERE SOMETHING ON YOUR MIND?
I DON'T KNOW. I
JUST DON'T FEEL...
- FRESH?
- WELL, YEAH.
IT'S HARD TO CONCENTRATE WHEN YOU'RE
WORRIED ABOUT MASCULINE HYGIENE, ISN'T IT?
YEAH. WELL, WHAT
SHOULD I DO ABOUT IT?
- TRY THESE.
- TES-T-SHIELDS?
THEY'RE PROTECTIVE
LININGS YOU PUT IN YOUR CUP...
TO GIVE YOU MORE CONFIDENCE.
[Man] EACH TES-T-SHIELD IS
FILLED WITH TINY AIR TUNNELS,
ALLOWING COOL AIR TO
CIRCULATE THROUGHOUT YOUR CUP.
AT THE SAME TIME, AROMA SENSORS
RELEASE AN EXHILARATING FRAGRANCE,
HELPING YOU STAY FRESH ALL DAY.
WOW! TES-T-SHIELDS
DOES ALL THAT?
AND MORE. THEY EVEN
COME WITH WINGS.
WINGS? WELL, WHAT FOR?
LORD KNOWS. BUT THE IMPORTANT
THING IS, IS THEY'RE COMFORTABLE.
HOW DO YOU KNOW
SO MUCH ABOUT THIS?
SON, DO YOU SMELL THAT PINE TAR?
[Sniffing] YEAH.
I'M WEARING 'EM RIGHT NOW.
EVEN AT MY AGE, I
NEED A LITTLE MORE.
WOW. I'LL GIVE THESE
TES-T-SHIELDS A TRY.
[Cheering]
HE'S OUT!
SON, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU
GOT YOUR CONFIDENCE BACK.
THANKS TO YOU, DAD. NO,
THANKS TO TES-T-SHIELDS.
[Man] TES-T-SHIELDS
FROM PLAYFREE.
THE MANLY WAY TO STAY FRESH,
CONFIDENT AND PROTECTED ALL DAY LONG.
NOW AVAILABLE IN THREE SCENTS...
PINE TAR, HERBAL AND COWHIDE LEATHER.
[Man] IN THE GREAT TRADITION OF
BLACK CHARACTERS IN CROSSOVER FILMS,
SIDEKICK'S BACK, AND
THIS TIME HE'S IN 'NAM.
ARE THERE REAL
BULLETS IN THIS THING?
NOW! [Whimpering]
I CAN'T TAKE IT, MAN.
COME ON, MAN. SHOW THESE
BASTARDS WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF!
NOW! YOU'VE GOT TO BE
BRAVE FOR ME, MAN. REMEMBER?
I'M THE BLACK GUY.
- OH, YEAH, SORRY.
- NOW!
NOBODY DOES THAT TO MY FRIEND!
OH, MY GOD. WAS I HIT?
I GREASED HIM, MAN. COME
ON. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!
HEY, THANKS, PARTNER. YOU'RE THE
BEST. I'M NOTHING WITHOUT YOU, MAN.
STAY BEHIND ME. SURE THING.
[Radio] ♪ IT WAS JUST
MY IMAGINATION ♪
♪ RUNNIN' AWAY
WITH ME ♪ HOLD IT.
GREAT. THE TEMPS, MAN. WE USED
TO GROOVE TO THIS BACK HOME.
DAMN. WE ALMOST
RAN INTO A BOOBY TRAP.
YEAH. CHARLIE.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO GO OVER IT.
♪♪ [Continues, Faint]
[Creaking]
[Projectile Swooshing]
OKAY, THIS WAY.
UH, YEAH. RIGHT.
IT'S AN AMBUSH. GET DOWN!
OH, NO! BLOOD!
I'VE BEEN HIT IN MY PINKY!
OWEE. OWEE!
I DON'T WANNA DIE. I
GOTTA SEE MY MAMA AGAIN.
COME ON, PAL. IT'S JUST A NICK.
I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS.
I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS.
COME ON. HANG ON, BUDDY.
HANG ON. I CAN'T, MAN!
I HAVE TO DIE. WHY? WHY?
SO YOU CAN GO CRAZY AND
GET REVENGE ON CHARLIE...
BY WINNING THE BATTLE
SINGLE-HANDEDLY.
OH, YEAH.
[Groans]
NO!
[Man] SIDEKICK GIVES A WHOLE
NEW MEANING TO JUNGLE FEVER IN...
SIDEKICK IN 'NAM!
COMING FROM FOX.
♪ WHAT YOU SAY, UH OOH, YEAH ♪
♪ WHAT YOU SAY, UH OOH, YEAH ♪
♪ WHAT YOU SAY, UH OOH, YEAH ♪
♪ WHAT YOU SAY, UH OOH, YEAH ♪
♪ OH, BABY ♪ ♪ WHAT
YOU SAY, UH OOH, YEAH ♪
♪ WHAT YOU SAY, UH OOH, YEAH ♪
♪ THIS IS A HUSTLE
DON'T WANNA TUSSLE ♪
♪ JUST HELP ME THAT'S
FOR SURE ♪ ♪ OOH, YEAH ♪
♪ OH, BABY ♪
♪ MM-MM-MM ♪
♪ THIS IS A HUSTLE
DON'T WANNA TUSSLE ♪♪
HEY, MAN, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT
THIS BLIND DATE THING, MAN.
OH, MAN, DON'T BAIL OUT ON ME
NOW, MAN. IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
I PROMISE YOU. TONIGHT WILL BE
A NIGHT YOU WILL NEVER FORGET.
GIRL, HOW DO I LOOK? I TOLD
YOU, WANDA, YOU LOOK FINE.
OH, YOU DON'T THINK THIS
DRESS IS TOO TIGHT, DO YOU?
NO, GIRL, YOU LOOK PERFECT.
OKAY, THEN. OKAY, THEN.
COME ON. THERE THEY ARE.
PUT THE COMPACT AWAY.
GIRL, I HOPE HE AIN'T UGLY
'CAUSE I CAN'T STAND NO UGLY MAN.
NO, NO, NO. HE'S CUTE.
OH, NO, WAIT A MINUTE.
NO, SHE... NO, SHE DIDN'T.
SHE DONE TRY TO
HAVE MY DRESS ON.
SHE JUST... AND UGLY.
WANDA, THAT'S NOT
NICE. THAT'S NOT RIGHT.
IF SHE UGLY, SHE JUST UGLY.
AIN'T NO IFS, ANDS OR BUTS.
WHO YOU LOOKIN' AT? COME ON.
DAMN! HEY! WAIT,
WAIT! WHOA! WHOA!
WAIT UP! WAIT UP, NOW!
THIS IS CARL. THIS IS WANDA.
CARL. WANDA.
OH. OH!
I'M... I'M SORRY.
HE IS CUTE, GIRL. I TOLD YOU.
CALM DOWN. YOU'RE SO STIFF!
WELL, YOU GONNA PULL
MY CHAIR OUT FOR ME?
YOU'RE CRAZY.
OOH! MY THROAT IS DRY.
OOH, CAN WE GET SOMETHIN'
TO DRINK OR SOMETHIN'?
BARTENDER, GIVE ME
SOME WATER. WATER?
UH, SO THIS IS REALLY
NICE. UM, WANDA,
TAMMY TELLS ME THAT
YOU WENT TO POLY "U"?
OH, OH, YEAH. THAT'S
RIGHT. FOR REAL, THOUGH.
I WAS STUDYING IN
COMMUNICATIONS.
BUT, UH, I'M TRYIN'
TO GO INTO MODELING.
INTERESTING. THAT'S INTERESTING,
SEE, 'CAUSE CARL HERE,
HE'S A PHOTOGRAPHER. OH,
FOR REAL THOUGH? FOR REAL?
WELL, YOU COULD TAKE SOME
PICTURES OF ME 'CAUSE, SEE,
MY MAMA ALWAYS SAID THAT
I WAS REAL "PHOTOGENTICAL."
AND, SEE, I WANNA TAKE
SOME OF THOSE SEXY PICTURES,
YOU KNOW, IN THEM
"LINGERAY" DRAWS. [Retches]
YOU KNOW, "LINGERAY." UH, UH,
LOOK. I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM.
GIMME YOUR KEYS, MAN! MAN, YOU
AIN'T GOIN' NOWHERE, CARL. YOU OWE ME.
MAN, THE GIRL LOOKS
LIKE A DAMN JACKAL!
LOOK, DON'T START WITH ME, MAN.
YOU REMEMBER BETHESDA WILLIS?
SHE LOOKED LIKE EARNIE SHAVERS,
MAN. I WAS POPPIN' BLACKHEADS ALL NIGHT.
MAN, YOU GONNA HOLD
THAT TO ME RIGHT NOW? YES!
JUST STAY HERE TILL I
GIVE YOU THE SIGNAL.
CHILL, MAN. IS SOMETHIN' WRONG?
UH, NO, BABY, BUT...
[Whispering] I THOUGHT YOU
SAID YOUR FRIEND WAS CUTE.
WELL, I THINK SHE IS CUTE. AND, UH,
BESIDES, IT'S NOT WHAT'S ON THE OUTSIDE,
IT'S WHAT'S ON THE
INSIDE THAT COUNTS.
WELL, SOMEBODY SHOULD
FLIP HER UGLY ASS INSIDE OUT.
WHAT DID HE SAY? I
KNOW YOU NOT TRIPPIN'.
NO, NO. HE SAID... HE SAID...
I KNOW HE IS NOT TRIPPIN'.
HE SAID MAYBE Y'ALL SHOULD GET OUT ON THE
DANCE FLOOR AND TURN THIS MAMMA JAMMA OUT.
RIGHT. I HEARD YOU
ALL. LET'S GO DANCE.
COME ON. I DON'T
LIKE THE DEEJAY.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU GUYS JUST TALK?
YOU KNOW, GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER.
I BET YOU HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.
FOR REAL. FOR REAL THOUGH.
NOW, LOOK HERE, MY
LITTLE CHOCOLATE ANGEL,
HOW MIGHT A BROTHER LIKE MYSELF
GET ALL UP ON THIS FRAME OF YOURS?
WELL, JUST KEEP
SAYIN' THE RIGHT THING.
OPEN SESAME. [Laughs]
UH, DO YOU LIKE ALLIGATORS?
- I HATE 'EM.
- OH, I DON'T LIKE 'EM EITHER.
THEY SKIN SO ROUGH.
THANK YOU. DON'T BE
TRYIN' TO TALK TO ME!
HE TRIED TO TALK TO ME.
HE TRYIN' TO TALK TO ME.
YOU SEE HIM?
BETTER BE GLAD THIS AIN'T
NO LIQUOR 'CAUSE COME 12:00,
I TURN INTO A WOLF.
MUST BE A QUARTER TO 1:00.
YOU SO CRAZY! HE'S
SO CRAZY. THAT'S...
I LIKED AT YOU WHEN
I FIRST "SEENED" YOU.
YOU MY TYPE. YOU CRAZY.
LOOK, UH, I GOTTA GO
GET SOME CHAPSTICK, MAN.
OH, NO. THAT'S OKAY.
UH-UH. I GOT SOME VASELINE.
YOU GOTTA... YOU GOTTA WORK
AROUND THE SIDES AND STUFF.
LOOK, I... I GOTTA GO GET
SOME CIGARETTES, Y'ALL.
I GOTTA GO GET SOME
CIGARETTES. OH, THAT'S OKAY.
I GOT CIGARETTES TOO. YOU
AIN'T GOT TO GO NOWHERE.
UH, GOTTA GET SOME
MATCHES. OH, YOU SO SILLY.
YOU KNOW IF I GOT
CIGARETTES, I GOT MATCHES.
UH, I NEED GAS FOR MY
CAR. WHAT YOU NEED?
UNLEADED OR SUPREME?
YOU AIN'T GOT TO GO
NOWHERE. I GOT YOU.
I HAVE YOU. YOU MINE.
HEY.
WORD UP.
HEY! IT'S GETTIN' KIND OF
UGLY... UH, IT'S GETTIN' LATE.
- UH, SO, CARL. MAN, I GOTTA GET OUT...
- THE NIGHT'S JUST STARTIN'.
HEY, MAN, YOU IN
MY ASS! HEY, MAN...
WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?
IS YOUR FRIEND ON CRACK?
NO, HE'S BEEN DIETING, YOU KNOW.
[Clears Throat]
[Clears Throat]
I'M READY TO GO.
LOOK, WANDA, WE'LL LEAVE
IN A FEW MINUTES, ALL RIGHT?
I SAID, I AM READY TO GO.
I'M GONNA CALL YOU A CAB.
YOU AIN'T GOT TO CALL ME NO CAB.
WE CAME TOGETHER, WE'LL LEAVE
TOGETHER. WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT?
SEE, Y-YOU TRYIN' TO TRICK SOMEBODY.
YOU TRYIN' TO TRICK SOMEBODY.
BUT I KNOW ALL Y'ALL
WANNA DO IS GET HER STUFF.
WANDA... WAIT, WAIT. YOU
DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME.
LOOK, I AIN'T GOT TO
KNOW NOTHIN' ABOUT YOU!
OKAY? I AIN'T GOT TO
KNOW NOTHIN' ABOUT YOU.
ALL RIGHT? DO I HAVE TO
KNOW SOMETHIN' ABOUT YOU?
- NO, MA'AM.
- LET'S GO, GIRL. LET'S GO.
UM, YOU SEE HER... GIRL,
HE AIN'T NO GOOD. LET'S GO.
I'M SORRY. GIRL, HE AIN'T
NO GOOD. LET'S JUST GO.
HERE MY NUMBER. CALL ME.
I'LL ROCK YOUR WORLD.
I THINK IT WAS, UM,
ANDY WARHOL THAT SAID,
"EVERYONE GETS
15 MINUTES OF FAME."
SO, I'M ABOUT TO GIVE
SOMEBODY 15 SECONDS...
IT WAS 15 SECONDS
RIGHT? [Kim] YEAH, 15. WAIT...
[Kelly] FIFTEEN MINUTES.
FIFTEEN MINUTES.
FIFTEEN MINUTES? WELL, I'M
GIVING SOMEBODY 15 SECONDS.
ANGIE... IT'S YOUR
15. SAY GOOD NIGHT.
THANKS FOR JOINING US,
EVERYBODY. GOOD NIGHT.