In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 3, Episode 11 - Anton and the Reporter - full transcript
♪♪ [Piano]
[Man] NOW AVAILABLE
FOR THE FIRST TIME,
THE QUINTESSENTIAL MAN OF
THE CLOTH, JIMMY SWAGGART,
SINGS LIKE YOU'VE
NEVER HEARD HIM BEFORE.
[Excessive Vibrato] ♪
AMAZING GRACE ♪
♪ HOW SWEET THE SOUND ♪
♪ THAT SAVED A FILTHY WRETCH ♪
♪ LIKE ME ♪
♪ I ONCE WAS LOST ♪
♪ BUT NOW I'M FOUND
♪ [Sobbing] NOW I'M FOUND.
♪ WAS BLIND BUT NOW I SEE ♪♪
LET JIMMY AND THE ANGELS OF MERCY SINGERS
TOUCH YOUR HEART WITH GOSPEL CLASSICS.
♪ YES, JESUS LOVES ME
YES, JESUS LOVES ME ♪
♪ YES, JESUS LOVES ME ♪
♪ THE VOICES TOLD ME SO ♪♪
OR LET JIMMY TOUCH YOU
A LITTLE LOWER... ♪♪ [Funk]
WHEN HE SINGS SOME
OF HIS NASTY FAVORITES...
LIKE 2 LIVE CREW.
[Women] OH! ♪ ME SO HORNY ♪
OH! ♪ ME SO HORNY ♪
- OH!
- ♪ ME SO HORNY ♪
♪ WE LOVE YOU LONG TIME ♪
OH! ♪ ME SO HORNY ♪
OH! ♪ ME SO HORNY ♪
OH! ♪ ME SO HORNY ♪
♪ WE LOVE YOU LONG TIME ♪♪
[Announcer] THAT'S JIMMY
SWAGGART'S HEAVEN OR HELL,
ONLY 19.95, 22.95 FOR CD.
ORDER NOW.
♪ YOU'RE DOWN WITH O.P.P. ♪
♪ YEAH, YOU KNOW ME ♪
♪ ARE YOU DOWN WITH O.P.P.
♪ ♪ YEAH, YOU KNOW ME ♪
♪ ARE YOU DOWN WITH O.P.P.,
YEAH ♪ ♪ YEAH, YOU KNOW ME ♪
♪ I'M AN OLD PERVERTED
PREACHER ♪ ♪ EVERY LAST LADY ♪
WATCH ME. ♪ CAN YOU SHOW ME ♪♪
[Announcer] WRITE JIMMY
SWAGGART, HEAVEN OR HELL,
BOX 666-666, TULSA.
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP
AND SIP ON A DREAM ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE
ON A FUNKY SCENE ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO ♪♪
SO, AS YOU CAN SEE, YOUR HONOR,
MY CLIENTS ARE COMPLETELY INNOCENT.
IT'S AN OPEN-AND-SHUT CASE.
BEFORE THE JURY DELIBERATES,
ARE THERE ANY FURTHER WITNESSES?
YES, YOUR HONOR. THERE IS ONE MORE
WITNESS WE'D LIKE TO CALL TO THE STAND.
MISS BENITA BUTRELL.
HEY! HOW Y'ALL DOIN'?
Y'ALL AIN'T GOT NOTHIN'
TO WORRY ABOUT...
BECAUSE MISS BENITA IS NOT IN THE
HABIT OF AIRIN' NOBODY'S DIRTY LAUNDRY.
UNLESS, OF COURSE, IT'S
THE BAILIFF'S LAUNDRY.
MM-HMM. TALK ABOUT DIRTY.
HE GOT STAINS IN HIS DRAWERS
BIG ENOUGH TO LAND A PLANE ON.
WOULD MISS BUTRELL
JUST TAKE THE STAND?
DO YOU SWEAR TO TELL
THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH
AND NOTHING BUT THE
TRUTH, SO HELP YOU, GOD?
I'D EAT COLD CUT SANDWICHES
MADE OUT OF MY OWN TONGUE...
BEFORE I'D SIT UP
HERE AND TELL A LIE.
OH, LOOKY THERE!
THERE GOES GRETCHEN!
HEY, GIRL! HOW YOU DOIN'?
YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD!
OH, GIRL, I'M SCARED OF YOU!
YOU OUGHT TO BE SCARED, TOO, WITH A
CONVICTED FELON SERVING ON THE JURY.
I CAN TELL SHE HITTIN'
THAT CRACK PIPE AGAIN TOO.
DONE GOT SO SKINNY, LOOK LIKE
SHE COULD HANG GLIDE ON A DORITO.
UH, BAILIFF, GET ME
A JURY ALTERNATE.
NOW, MISS BUTRELL,
ON THE NIGHT OF THE 24th, THE CASH BOX
FROM THE PROJECT RAFFLE WAS BROKEN INTO...
AND OVER $2,000 WAS STOLEN.
WHERE WERE YOU ON THAT NIGHT?
I WAS UP ON THE ROOFTOP SELLIN'
PUMPKIN SEEDS AND TAMPONS.
TRYIN' TO BETTER MYSELF, HONEY, BECAUSE
UNLIKE THESE OTHER PROJECT BUNNIES,
MISS BENITA'S GONNA HAVE
SOMETHING. MM-HMM. THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S WHY I'M ENROLLED
IN THE HOWELL SCHOOL
OF ZIPPO RECYCLING
AND SEWAGE REMOVAL.
THAT'S ENOUGH!
MISS BUTRELL, DO YOU SEE THE
DEFENDANT IN THIS COURTROOM?
MM-HMM. WOULD YOU MIND
POINTING HIM OUT TO US, PLEASE?
THERE YOU GO.
RIGHT THERE... SUEDE.
HEY, SUEDE! HOW YOU DOIN'?
YEAH, THEY CHOSE SUEDE OVER
ME TO BE THE RAFFLE TREASURER.
IT'S A GOOD THING, TOO, BECAUSE YOU AIN'T
GONNA FIND NOBODY BETTER WITH NUMBERS.
[Chuckling]
ESPECIALLY WHEN HE'S
RUNNIN' 'EM. MM-HMM.
THAT DAMN JACKASS LOST
HIS PARENTS IN A CRAP GAME.
DON'T GET TOO CLOSE
TO THAT SNEAKY WEASEL
'CAUSE HE'LL STEAL THE
ENAMEL OFF YOUR TOOTH.
I AIN'T ONE TO GOSSIP, SO
YOU AIN'T HEARD IT FROM ME.
WASN'T THERE SOMEONE
GUARDING THE CASH BOX THAT NIGHT?
MM-HMM! LEO!
LE-LE-LE, LE-LE-LE,
LE-LE-LE... LEO!
[Laughing]
I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!
YOU GUARDED THAT CASH BOX
LIKE A VIRGIN ON PROM NIGHT!
THEN GAVE IT UP LIKE A
HO AT A BACHELOR'S PARTY.
OBJECTION! OBJECTION,
YOUR HONOR.
CAN'T SHE JUST ANSWER THE
QUESTION? THIS IS GETTING UGLY.
OOH, HE'S ONE TO
TALK. TALK ABOUT UGLY.
LOOK LIKE SOMEBODY HIT HIM UPSIDE
THE HEAD WITH A BAG OF NICKELS.
SO UGLY, LAST TIME HE
WENT TO THE PROCTOLOGIST,
THE DOCTOR STUCK HIS
FINGER DOWN HIS THROAT.
ORDER IN THIS COURT!
DO YOU HAVE REASON
TO BELIEVE THERE WAS
INVOLVEMENT FROM THE
CHAIRMAN OF THE COMMITTEE,
MISS JENKINS?
BAILIFF, SOME
SMELLING SALTS, PLEASE!
NO, NO, NO! NOT MISS
JENKINS! NOT MISS JENKINS!
HONEY, DON'T NOBODY BETTER
SAY NOTHIN' BAD ABOUT MISS JENKINS!
I'M GONNA WALK THROUGH
HELL IN A GASOLINE G-STRING...
BEFORE I SAY SOMETHIN'
BAD ABOUT MISS JENKINS!
LORD, SHE'S LIKE A MOTHER
TO ME. A FINE WOMAN.
FINE WOMAN! THERE'S
NOTHIN' DIRTY ABOUT HER!
JUST DON'T GO NEAR HER HOUSE.
HOUSE SO DUSTY, THE ROACHES
RIDE AROUND IN DUNE BUGGIES.
THAT IS ENOUGH! DON'T MAKE
ME POUND THIS GAVEL AGAIN!
HMM, THAT AIN'T
ALL SHE POUNDIN'.
I OBJECT!
YOU DIDN'T OBJECT WHEN SHE TOOK OFF
HER ROBE, WENT THROUGH YOUR BRIEFS...
AND LAID DOWN THE LAW.
I FIND YOU IN CONTEMPT OF COURT!
UH-HUH. AND I FOUND YOU DOIN' THE
HUMPTY DANCE WITH 12 MEN IN THE BATHROOM.
GET HER OUT OF HERE!
THIS IS A MISTRIAL!
LOCK THE DOOR!
GET A STRAITJACKET!
[All Arguing, Indistinct]
♪ GET IT, THE BOYS, THE BOYS ♪
♪ TO THE FRAY, TO THE FRAY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY IN THE PLACE PUT
YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR WITH ME ♪
♪ COME ON, DO IT, DO IT, Y'ALL
YEAH, COME ON, DO IT, DO IT Y'ALL ♪
♪ YEAH, KEEP ON NOW,
EVERYBODY IN THE PLACE FOR FREE ♪
♪ PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR
WITH ME COME ON, DO IT, DO IT, Y'ALL ♪
♪ COME ON, COME ON DO IT, DO
IT, Y'ALL ♪ ♪ JUST LIKE THAT ♪
♪ IT'S JUST LIKE THAT LET
YOUR HAIR DO IT DARE DO IT ♪
♪ JUST DO IT JUST
WAKE UP TO IT ♪
♪ YO, YO ♪
♪ IT'S JUST LIKE THAT, HA, HA ♪
♪ IT'S JUST LIKE THAT ♪♪
[Exaggerated British Accent] I KNOW
I'M SUPPOSED TO CUT AN ALBUM.
YOU DON'T THINK I KNOW
THAT? I'VE BEEN WRITING SONGS.
I WRITE 10 SONGS A NIGHT.
BUT WHEN I SOBER UP,
THEY SOUND LIKE NONSENSE.
WORDS ON A PAGE!
I NEED INSPIRATION,
MAN. ♪♪ [Guitar]
I NEED SOMEONE WHO CAN
REALLY TEACH ME THE BLUES.
BINGO! I THINK I JUST FOUND
WHAT I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR.
♪ AH-HA-HA-HA ♪
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
ALL RIGHT. IT SURE
IS GOOD TO BE HERE.
AM I GLAD I FOUND YOU. WELL,
MY NAME IS CALHOUN TUBBS.
NOW, AIN'T YOU TH-TH-THE BOY
FROM... YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
LISTEN. LOOK, I REALLY NEED
YOUR HELP, OKAY? UH-HUH.
I GOTTA CUT A BLUES ALBUM
WITH ALL KINDS OF BLUES SONGS,
AND I DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT THE BLUES!
N-N-N-N-N-NOW, THAT
AIN'T TRUE, BOY, 'CAUSE
EVERYBODY KNOWS
SOMETHING ABOUT THE BLUES.
NOT ME. LOOK, I
GOT MONEY, WOMEN.
WHERE'S THE BLUES
IN ALL THAT? UH-HUH.
BUT YOU... YOU'RE THE
REAL DEAL. WELL, THANK YOU.
I BET YOU CAME FROM ONE OF THEM
BACKWOOD SHACKS BACK IN MISSISSIPPI.
NOW, ACTUALLY, I'M
FROM BALTIMORE. MM-HMM.
I AIN'T NEVER BEEN
OUT IN NO WOODS...
WELL, I DID GO TO THE WOOD ONE
TIME, BUT WE WERE JUST CAMPING.
SO I DON'T REALLY
KNOW. GET OFF IT.
I REALLY... I GOT MONEY. I CAN PAY
YOU FOR YOUR LIFE EXPERIENCES.
WELL, NOW, I DID SAY I WAS FROM
BALTIMORE, MISSISSIPPI. MM-HMM.
YEAH. WROTE A SONG ABOUT
IT. LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GO.
♪ I COULD'VE BEEN A DIRT POOR
FARMER IN MISSISSIPPI, HEY ♪
♪ BUT I COULDN'T
EVEN AFFORD THE DIRT ♪
♪ AH-HA-HA-HA ♪♪ THANK
YOU VERY MUCH! ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S GREAT, MAN! YEAH.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
THAT IS GREAT. THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
I NEED MORE OF THAT.
I'LL BET YOU WERE A JUNKIE OF
SOME KIND, AND THEN YOU O.D.'d,
AND YOU PUKED RIGHT OUT,
AND THEN YOU CHOKED ON IT.
WELL, NO. NO. ON YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I AIN'T NEVER T-TOOK NO PILLS.
ONLY PILL I DONE TOOK WAS
A BUFFERIN, MAN. I DON'T DO...
GET OFF IT.
I KNOW ALL ABOUT THE DRUGS. I'M
HIGH RIGHT NOW. MM-HMM. OH, YEAH.
WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT.
LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GOES.
♪ I DONE SHOT SO
MUCH DRUGS IN THE '60s ♪
♪ I CAN STILL GET
HIGH OFF THE RESIDUE ♪
♪ AH-HA-HA-HA ♪♪
THANK YOU VERY MUCH! MAN!
ALL RIGHT. YOU ARE
BLOWING MY MIND, MAN!
WELL, THANK YOU. ALL
RIGHT, NOW. OH, YES.
YOU TAPPED INTO A GREAT LIFE,
STUFF... THAT WHOLE BLUES THING.
BUT I CAN'T. I
CAN'T TAP INTO IT!
NOW, SURE, YOU CAN, BOY. EVERYBODY
GOT SOME BLUES IN THEM SOMEWHERE.
YOU JUST GOT TO KNOW
WHERE TO LOOK. MM-HMM.
WHERE? TRY YOUR FACE, JUNIOR.
MM-HMM. LOOK HERE. THAT'S ENOUGH
TO GIVE ME THE BLUES RIGHT NOW.
I AIN'T WRITE NO SONG ABOUT
THAT, BUT I THINK I COULD RIGHT NOW.
LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GOES.
♪ LORD, YOU SO DAMN UGLY ♪
♪ I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S YOUR
FACE OR IF YOUR NECK THREW UP ♪
♪ AH-HA-HA-HA ♪♪
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY. WHOA.
YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU ALL RIGHT?
THANK YOU VERY
MUCH! ALL RIGHT. YEAH.
WELL, THAT'S GOOD,
MAN. THAT'S REALLY GOOD.
BUT IT DOESN'T
MAKE ME FEEL BLUE.
I COULD HAVE RECONSTRUCTIVE
SURGERY. UH-HUH.
I'VE GOT A BEAUTIFUL
GIRLFRIEND WHO LOVES ME.
OH, WAIT, NO. YOU GOT TO STOP
RIGHT THERE. PUT THE BRAKES ON IT.
YOU TALKING ABOUT THE GIRL I SEEN
YOU WITH LAST NIGHT ON THE NEWS?
NO, MAN. I'M HERE TO TELL YOU,
BOY, THAT GIRL DON'T LOVE YOU.
WHAT? OH, NO. UH-UH. MM-MMM.
WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT.
LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GO.
♪ NOW, YOUR GIRLFRIEND
SAY SHE LOVE YOU ♪
♪ BUT I GUESS THE FOUR
HOURS SHE DONE SPENT
IN THE MEN'S ROOM WITH
AXL ROSE LAST NIGHT ♪
♪ IS THE WAY THAT
SHE LIKES TO SHOW IT ♪
♪ AH-HA-HA-HA ♪♪ THANK
YOU VERY MUCH! ALL RIGHT.
YEAH, MAN, I DONE SEEN
THAT WITH MY OWN EYES, MAN.
BUTT NAKED. MM-HMM. SURE ENOUGH.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT. THAT BITCH!
HOW COULD... HOW
COULD SHE DO THAT TO ME?
NOW, YOU SEE? NOW YOU GOT THE BLUES,
MAN. COME ON. WRITE A SONG ABOUT IT!
COME ON! HERE WE GO.
THERE YOU GO. UH-HUH. ALL RIGHT.
LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE WE GO.
HERE IT GOES!
♪ I GOT A SMASH HIT
A MILLION RECORDS ♪
♪ THAT SLUT AIN'T
GONNA GET A PENNY ♪
[Falsetto] ♪ YAAAH ♪
♪ AH-HA-HA-HA ♪♪
BRING IT ON. DON'T GET
NONE ON YOU THOUGH, MAN.
THERE YOU GO. COME
ON, MAN. OH, YEAH.
NOW YOU STARTIN' TO SCARE ME.
COME ON BACK, NOW. COME ON BACK.
♪ SHE MAY THINK SHE GAVE
ME A CASE OF JEALOUSY ♪
♪ BUT WHAT SHE REALLY GONNA
NEED IS A CASE OF PENICILLIN ♪
♪ YAAH, YAAH YAAH,
YAAH, YAAH YAAH, YAAH ♪
♪ YAAH ♪♪
[High-pitched Scream]
YOU THROUGH?
I THINK I BROKE A BLOOD VESSEL.
YOU ALL RIGHT? YEAH.
THANKS A LOT, MAN. YOU ALL
RIGHT? OH, YEAH, WELL... GOTTA GO?
YOU'RE REALLY GREAT. LOOK
HERE, YOU FORGOT YOUR...
YEAH!
♪ WHILE HE GOT THE BLUES ♪
♪ I GOT ALL THE MONEY ♪♪
[Man] HERE COME THE DRUMS!
♪♪ [Hip-hop] ALL
RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
♪ BASS IN YOUR FACE NOT AN EIGHT
TRACK, GETTIN' IT GOOD TO THE WOOD ♪
♪ SO THE PEOPLE GIVE YOU SOME
OF THAT REACTIN' TO THE FACTS ♪
♪ TILL I KICK AND IT STICK AND IT
STAY AROUND POINTIN' TO THE JOINT ♪
♪ PUT THE BUDDHA DOWN ♪
♪ CAN'T TRUSS IT,
OW CAN'T TRUSS IT ♪
♪ AND I JUDGE EVERYONE
ONE BY THE ONE ♪
♪ LOOK, HERE COME THE JUDGE
WATCH IT, HERE HE COME NOW ♪
♪ DON'T SENTENCE ME,
JUDGE I AIN'T DID ♪ ♪ HUH ♪
♪ NOTHIN' TO NOBODY ♪♪
[Wind Whistling]
THIS IS THE NIGHT CHARLES
PACK BECOMES A STAR REPORTER.
I AM ABOUT TO SPEND A
LONG, COLD WINTER'S NIGHT...
WITH AN ACTUAL STREET PERSON.
OKAY. COME DOWN TO THEIR
LEVEL. TAKE THE TIE OFF.
LOSE THE TIE. OKAY.
ANYBODY HOME? [Man] SHH-NO!
HELLO? WHO IS IT?
UH, CHARLES PACK, UH, HERALD.
GO AWAY! I GAVE AT THE OFFICE.
UH, IF YOU LET ME IN,
I'LL GIVE YOU 20 BUCKS.
SU CASA ES MI CASA.
COME ON IN. WHY DON'T YOU
WIPE YOUR FEET ON THE MAT?
[Crowd Cheering, Whooping]
WHERE'S THE MAT?
HEY, THANKS, MATT.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
OH, UH, HERE'S YOUR $20. I WAS
ABOUT TO SAY, "WHERE'S THE MONEY?"
[Chuckles] MY NAME IS CHARLES.
YOUR NAME'S CHARLES. YEAH.
AND WHAT IS YOUR NAME, SIR?
[Screaming]
TESTING: ONE, TWO. AAH! UH...
MY NAME IS ANTON JACKSON,
FORMERLY OF THE JACKSON 5.
I'M JOE JACKSON'S
SECRET LOVE CHILD.
WATCH THIS. HOLD THAT.
HO! HO!
THIS IS INCREDIBLE STUFF.
UH, MR. JACKSON, I'M DOING
AN EXPOSÉ ON THE STREETS.
OH, AN EXPOSÉ. WELL, I HAPPENED TO
EXPOSÉD MYSELF ON SEVERAL STREETS.
NO, NO. SEE, I'D LIKE TO
SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU.
YOU'RE AWFULLY
FORWARD THERE, SIR.
YOU DON'T BEAT AROUND
THE BUSH, DO YOU?
IS CLARENCE SPREADING
THOSE RUMORS ABOUT ME?
HE'S A LIAR. HE'S A
LIAR WITH COLD FEET.
NO, NO, NO. YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND. AAAH!
I'M DOING A COVER STORY, AND, SEE, WHAT
MY READERS WOULD LIKE TO KNOW IS, LIKE,
HOW DO YOU MAKE IT OUT HERE ON THE
STREETS, HOW DO YOU DO THIS WHOLE THING?
OH, HOW I SURVIVE. YEAH.
WELL, ACTUALLY IT'S NOT
THAT BAD UNTIL IT RAINS.
THEN WE GOT THAT PROBLEM.
BUT THIS IS PRETTY COMFORTABLE.
SEE ALL THIS EARLY AMERICAN
FURNITURE I GOT AROUND HERE?
THIS IS EARLY AMERICAN?
IF YOU DON'T GET THERE EARLY,
THE GARBAGE MAN WILL TAKE IT AWAY.
BUT HOW DO YOU MAKE IT
WITHOUT MODERN APPLIANCES?
AH, THAT'S NO PROBLEM. SEE, I CAN MAKE
A CALL. WATCH, I'M GONNA MAKE A CALL.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. THIS MAN
HAS HOOKED UP A TELEPHONE.
THIS IS INCREDIBLE. HEY, JOE!
WHERE ARE YOU?
I'M ON THE OTHER LINE. I'LL
CALL YOU BACK. ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, BUT WHAT ABOUT WHEN YOU WANT
TO UNWIND? SOME OF THIS HUMAN STUFF?
WELL, THAT'S SIMPLE. I JUST WATCH
MY ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM OVER HERE.
I SIT IN FRONT, AND
FROM HERE I CAN SEE...
WHEN I GET UP IN THE MORNING I
WATCH GOOD MORNING, SKID ROW.
AND THEN LATER ON,
WHEN THE MISSION LETS OUT,
IT TURNS INTO COPS,
AND ABOUT MIDNIGHT WE
SEE THE ADULT CHANNEL.
PLUS I GOT CABLE. YOU
WANT TO SEE THE CABLE?
HOLY JE... DID YOU SEE THAT
GUY GET SUCKER PUNCHED?
OH, THAT'S PAY-PER-VIEW.
YOU'LL HAVE TO COUGH UP A COUPLE
MORE DOLLARS IF YOU WANT TO SEE THAT.
OKAY. UH, LISTEN.
DO YOU EVER YEARN
FOR THE LUXURIES OF LIFE?
WELL, I GOT EVERYTHING
A MAN NEEDS TO SURVIVE.
LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING OVER
HERE IN THE WEST WING OF THE ESTATE.
THIS HERE'S MY TWO-CART GARAGE.
[Imitating Car Alarm Chirping]
THIS IS GREAT STUFF.
WHY DON'T YOU
JOIN ME FOR DINNER?
I WAS JUST ABOUT TO SIT
DOWN AND HAVE SOME DINNER.
OKAY. WHAT ARE YOU HAVING?
I'M-A HAVE TAKEOUT. WHAT DO
YOU WANT... ITALIAN OR CHINESE?
[Chuckling] UH, CHINESE IS FINE.
THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE, FOLKS.
THIS MAN, WHO HAS NOTHING,
IS OFFERING ME TAKE-OUT FOOD.
OKAY. OH, GOD!
THAT'S CHINESE.
IF YOU WANT SOME MORE, YOU TAKE
IT OUT OF THE GARBAGE YOURSELF.
- YOU WANT PANDA?
- NO, THAT'S... YEAH, I ATE.
IT'S LIKE NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
WHY DON'T YOU MAKE YOURSELF... COME
HERE. LET ME MAKE YOU UP THE GUEST BED.
YOU SEE THIS? HERE'S THE SHEET.
YOU CAN USE THAT AS A BLANKET.
AND HERE, I WAS GONNA
USE THIS AS TOILET PAPER,
BUT YOU CAN USE IT AS A PILLOW.
THAT'S VERY THOUGHTFUL. SO I JUST,
UH... I SLEEP ON THE FLOOR RIGHT HERE.
YEAH, YOU JUST LAY ON DOWN. I'M GONNA
DO THE SAME. YOU JUST DO WHAT I DO.
OH.
DAMN, THIS TOENAIL
HARDER THAN A GINSU.
LYING HERE... [Groaning]
LYING HERE IN A PIT OF DESPAIR,
I CAN ALMOST SMELL THE STENCH
OF THE LONELINESS, THE POVERTY,
THE PUTRID AROMA
OF LOST DREAMS...
AND LOST SOULS.
[Grunts]
THE, UH... I THINK
I'M STARTING...
IT MAKES ME NAUSEOUS.
IT'S SLIGHTLY OVERWHELMING.
BRINGS TEARS TO MY EYES.
HAVING TROUBLE FOCUSING.
[Gasps] THE THOUGHT
OF SPENDING...
I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. I'M REALLY NOT.
BUT I'M GONNA DO IT. I'M GONNA
HANG IN, AND I'M GONNA MAKE IT.
[Gagging] OH, GOD!
I'M SORRY. OH, GOD. OH, GOD.
YOU CAN'T SLEEP.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO USE THE
BATHROOM. WHERE'S THE BATHROOM?
OH, HERE IT IS RIGHT HERE.
[Loud Gagging]
HEY!
HEY, MY MAN! WHAT
ABOUT THE STORY?
♪ LIVIN' JUST ENOUGH ♪
♪ JUST ENOUGH FOR THE CITY ♪
♪ JUST ENOUGH ♪
♪ LIVIN' FOR THE CITY ♪♪
HEY, WE WANT TO THANK YOU ALL
FOR HANGING OUT WITH US TONIGHT.
WE HAD A GOOD TIME.
TOMMY. STOP, BOY.
SAY GOOD NIGHT.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
♪♪ [Hip-hop]
[Man] NOW AVAILABLE
FOR THE FIRST TIME,
THE QUINTESSENTIAL MAN OF
THE CLOTH, JIMMY SWAGGART,
SINGS LIKE YOU'VE
NEVER HEARD HIM BEFORE.
[Excessive Vibrato] ♪
AMAZING GRACE ♪
♪ HOW SWEET THE SOUND ♪
♪ THAT SAVED A FILTHY WRETCH ♪
♪ LIKE ME ♪
♪ I ONCE WAS LOST ♪
♪ BUT NOW I'M FOUND
♪ [Sobbing] NOW I'M FOUND.
♪ WAS BLIND BUT NOW I SEE ♪♪
LET JIMMY AND THE ANGELS OF MERCY SINGERS
TOUCH YOUR HEART WITH GOSPEL CLASSICS.
♪ YES, JESUS LOVES ME
YES, JESUS LOVES ME ♪
♪ YES, JESUS LOVES ME ♪
♪ THE VOICES TOLD ME SO ♪♪
OR LET JIMMY TOUCH YOU
A LITTLE LOWER... ♪♪ [Funk]
WHEN HE SINGS SOME
OF HIS NASTY FAVORITES...
LIKE 2 LIVE CREW.
[Women] OH! ♪ ME SO HORNY ♪
OH! ♪ ME SO HORNY ♪
- OH!
- ♪ ME SO HORNY ♪
♪ WE LOVE YOU LONG TIME ♪
OH! ♪ ME SO HORNY ♪
OH! ♪ ME SO HORNY ♪
OH! ♪ ME SO HORNY ♪
♪ WE LOVE YOU LONG TIME ♪♪
[Announcer] THAT'S JIMMY
SWAGGART'S HEAVEN OR HELL,
ONLY 19.95, 22.95 FOR CD.
ORDER NOW.
♪ YOU'RE DOWN WITH O.P.P. ♪
♪ YEAH, YOU KNOW ME ♪
♪ ARE YOU DOWN WITH O.P.P.
♪ ♪ YEAH, YOU KNOW ME ♪
♪ ARE YOU DOWN WITH O.P.P.,
YEAH ♪ ♪ YEAH, YOU KNOW ME ♪
♪ I'M AN OLD PERVERTED
PREACHER ♪ ♪ EVERY LAST LADY ♪
WATCH ME. ♪ CAN YOU SHOW ME ♪♪
[Announcer] WRITE JIMMY
SWAGGART, HEAVEN OR HELL,
BOX 666-666, TULSA.
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? WHAT?
HOW YOU LIVIN'? ♪
IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ ANYTHING YOU WANT IS UP
TO YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU FOR ME AND ME FOR
YOU ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ LET'S TAKE A TRIP
AND SIP ON A DREAM ♪
♪ GLIDE WITH THE GUIDE
ON A FUNKY SCENE ♪
♪ HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE FUNKY, FUNNY MO' MONEY SHOWS ♪
♪ A CAST FOR LAUGHS
AND TALENTED ROLES ♪
♪ AND SISTERS WITH TWISTERS
FOR YOU BEEN LOOKIN' LISTENER ♪
♪ IT SEEMS YOU DON'T BELIEVE SO
YOU CAN BELIEVE WHAT I CONVINCE YA ♪
♪ SOME BOOTY TO YOUR SHORT
AND THOUGHT WE'LL MAKE IT SNAPPY ♪
♪ WITH JOKES AND POKES AT
FOLKS TO KEEP YOU HAPPY ♪
♪ NO NEED TO HOLD
YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ♪
♪ CHILL THIS SHOW'S GOT SOUL ♪
♪ ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARD
THE TRAIN NEVER TROUBLES ♪
♪ YOU'D BETTER
SNUGGLE UP COUPLE UP ♪
♪ ON THE DOUBLE-DUB-DOUBLE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SOME
OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ♪
♪ SO, FELLAS, GRAB YOUR GIRL
TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE LIVIN'
WHEN YOU'RE LIVIN' IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO
GO, GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO ♪
♪ GO, GO, GO, GO ♪♪
SO, AS YOU CAN SEE, YOUR HONOR,
MY CLIENTS ARE COMPLETELY INNOCENT.
IT'S AN OPEN-AND-SHUT CASE.
BEFORE THE JURY DELIBERATES,
ARE THERE ANY FURTHER WITNESSES?
YES, YOUR HONOR. THERE IS ONE MORE
WITNESS WE'D LIKE TO CALL TO THE STAND.
MISS BENITA BUTRELL.
HEY! HOW Y'ALL DOIN'?
Y'ALL AIN'T GOT NOTHIN'
TO WORRY ABOUT...
BECAUSE MISS BENITA IS NOT IN THE
HABIT OF AIRIN' NOBODY'S DIRTY LAUNDRY.
UNLESS, OF COURSE, IT'S
THE BAILIFF'S LAUNDRY.
MM-HMM. TALK ABOUT DIRTY.
HE GOT STAINS IN HIS DRAWERS
BIG ENOUGH TO LAND A PLANE ON.
WOULD MISS BUTRELL
JUST TAKE THE STAND?
DO YOU SWEAR TO TELL
THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH
AND NOTHING BUT THE
TRUTH, SO HELP YOU, GOD?
I'D EAT COLD CUT SANDWICHES
MADE OUT OF MY OWN TONGUE...
BEFORE I'D SIT UP
HERE AND TELL A LIE.
OH, LOOKY THERE!
THERE GOES GRETCHEN!
HEY, GIRL! HOW YOU DOIN'?
YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD!
OH, GIRL, I'M SCARED OF YOU!
YOU OUGHT TO BE SCARED, TOO, WITH A
CONVICTED FELON SERVING ON THE JURY.
I CAN TELL SHE HITTIN'
THAT CRACK PIPE AGAIN TOO.
DONE GOT SO SKINNY, LOOK LIKE
SHE COULD HANG GLIDE ON A DORITO.
UH, BAILIFF, GET ME
A JURY ALTERNATE.
NOW, MISS BUTRELL,
ON THE NIGHT OF THE 24th, THE CASH BOX
FROM THE PROJECT RAFFLE WAS BROKEN INTO...
AND OVER $2,000 WAS STOLEN.
WHERE WERE YOU ON THAT NIGHT?
I WAS UP ON THE ROOFTOP SELLIN'
PUMPKIN SEEDS AND TAMPONS.
TRYIN' TO BETTER MYSELF, HONEY, BECAUSE
UNLIKE THESE OTHER PROJECT BUNNIES,
MISS BENITA'S GONNA HAVE
SOMETHING. MM-HMM. THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S WHY I'M ENROLLED
IN THE HOWELL SCHOOL
OF ZIPPO RECYCLING
AND SEWAGE REMOVAL.
THAT'S ENOUGH!
MISS BUTRELL, DO YOU SEE THE
DEFENDANT IN THIS COURTROOM?
MM-HMM. WOULD YOU MIND
POINTING HIM OUT TO US, PLEASE?
THERE YOU GO.
RIGHT THERE... SUEDE.
HEY, SUEDE! HOW YOU DOIN'?
YEAH, THEY CHOSE SUEDE OVER
ME TO BE THE RAFFLE TREASURER.
IT'S A GOOD THING, TOO, BECAUSE YOU AIN'T
GONNA FIND NOBODY BETTER WITH NUMBERS.
[Chuckling]
ESPECIALLY WHEN HE'S
RUNNIN' 'EM. MM-HMM.
THAT DAMN JACKASS LOST
HIS PARENTS IN A CRAP GAME.
DON'T GET TOO CLOSE
TO THAT SNEAKY WEASEL
'CAUSE HE'LL STEAL THE
ENAMEL OFF YOUR TOOTH.
I AIN'T ONE TO GOSSIP, SO
YOU AIN'T HEARD IT FROM ME.
WASN'T THERE SOMEONE
GUARDING THE CASH BOX THAT NIGHT?
MM-HMM! LEO!
LE-LE-LE, LE-LE-LE,
LE-LE-LE... LEO!
[Laughing]
I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!
YOU GUARDED THAT CASH BOX
LIKE A VIRGIN ON PROM NIGHT!
THEN GAVE IT UP LIKE A
HO AT A BACHELOR'S PARTY.
OBJECTION! OBJECTION,
YOUR HONOR.
CAN'T SHE JUST ANSWER THE
QUESTION? THIS IS GETTING UGLY.
OOH, HE'S ONE TO
TALK. TALK ABOUT UGLY.
LOOK LIKE SOMEBODY HIT HIM UPSIDE
THE HEAD WITH A BAG OF NICKELS.
SO UGLY, LAST TIME HE
WENT TO THE PROCTOLOGIST,
THE DOCTOR STUCK HIS
FINGER DOWN HIS THROAT.
ORDER IN THIS COURT!
DO YOU HAVE REASON
TO BELIEVE THERE WAS
INVOLVEMENT FROM THE
CHAIRMAN OF THE COMMITTEE,
MISS JENKINS?
BAILIFF, SOME
SMELLING SALTS, PLEASE!
NO, NO, NO! NOT MISS
JENKINS! NOT MISS JENKINS!
HONEY, DON'T NOBODY BETTER
SAY NOTHIN' BAD ABOUT MISS JENKINS!
I'M GONNA WALK THROUGH
HELL IN A GASOLINE G-STRING...
BEFORE I SAY SOMETHIN'
BAD ABOUT MISS JENKINS!
LORD, SHE'S LIKE A MOTHER
TO ME. A FINE WOMAN.
FINE WOMAN! THERE'S
NOTHIN' DIRTY ABOUT HER!
JUST DON'T GO NEAR HER HOUSE.
HOUSE SO DUSTY, THE ROACHES
RIDE AROUND IN DUNE BUGGIES.
THAT IS ENOUGH! DON'T MAKE
ME POUND THIS GAVEL AGAIN!
HMM, THAT AIN'T
ALL SHE POUNDIN'.
I OBJECT!
YOU DIDN'T OBJECT WHEN SHE TOOK OFF
HER ROBE, WENT THROUGH YOUR BRIEFS...
AND LAID DOWN THE LAW.
I FIND YOU IN CONTEMPT OF COURT!
UH-HUH. AND I FOUND YOU DOIN' THE
HUMPTY DANCE WITH 12 MEN IN THE BATHROOM.
GET HER OUT OF HERE!
THIS IS A MISTRIAL!
LOCK THE DOOR!
GET A STRAITJACKET!
[All Arguing, Indistinct]
♪ GET IT, THE BOYS, THE BOYS ♪
♪ TO THE FRAY, TO THE FRAY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY IN THE PLACE PUT
YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR WITH ME ♪
♪ COME ON, DO IT, DO IT, Y'ALL
YEAH, COME ON, DO IT, DO IT Y'ALL ♪
♪ YEAH, KEEP ON NOW,
EVERYBODY IN THE PLACE FOR FREE ♪
♪ PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR
WITH ME COME ON, DO IT, DO IT, Y'ALL ♪
♪ COME ON, COME ON DO IT, DO
IT, Y'ALL ♪ ♪ JUST LIKE THAT ♪
♪ IT'S JUST LIKE THAT LET
YOUR HAIR DO IT DARE DO IT ♪
♪ JUST DO IT JUST
WAKE UP TO IT ♪
♪ YO, YO ♪
♪ IT'S JUST LIKE THAT, HA, HA ♪
♪ IT'S JUST LIKE THAT ♪♪
[Exaggerated British Accent] I KNOW
I'M SUPPOSED TO CUT AN ALBUM.
YOU DON'T THINK I KNOW
THAT? I'VE BEEN WRITING SONGS.
I WRITE 10 SONGS A NIGHT.
BUT WHEN I SOBER UP,
THEY SOUND LIKE NONSENSE.
WORDS ON A PAGE!
I NEED INSPIRATION,
MAN. ♪♪ [Guitar]
I NEED SOMEONE WHO CAN
REALLY TEACH ME THE BLUES.
BINGO! I THINK I JUST FOUND
WHAT I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR.
♪ AH-HA-HA-HA ♪
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
ALL RIGHT. IT SURE
IS GOOD TO BE HERE.
AM I GLAD I FOUND YOU. WELL,
MY NAME IS CALHOUN TUBBS.
NOW, AIN'T YOU TH-TH-THE BOY
FROM... YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
LISTEN. LOOK, I REALLY NEED
YOUR HELP, OKAY? UH-HUH.
I GOTTA CUT A BLUES ALBUM
WITH ALL KINDS OF BLUES SONGS,
AND I DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT THE BLUES!
N-N-N-N-N-NOW, THAT
AIN'T TRUE, BOY, 'CAUSE
EVERYBODY KNOWS
SOMETHING ABOUT THE BLUES.
NOT ME. LOOK, I
GOT MONEY, WOMEN.
WHERE'S THE BLUES
IN ALL THAT? UH-HUH.
BUT YOU... YOU'RE THE
REAL DEAL. WELL, THANK YOU.
I BET YOU CAME FROM ONE OF THEM
BACKWOOD SHACKS BACK IN MISSISSIPPI.
NOW, ACTUALLY, I'M
FROM BALTIMORE. MM-HMM.
I AIN'T NEVER BEEN
OUT IN NO WOODS...
WELL, I DID GO TO THE WOOD ONE
TIME, BUT WE WERE JUST CAMPING.
SO I DON'T REALLY
KNOW. GET OFF IT.
I REALLY... I GOT MONEY. I CAN PAY
YOU FOR YOUR LIFE EXPERIENCES.
WELL, NOW, I DID SAY I WAS FROM
BALTIMORE, MISSISSIPPI. MM-HMM.
YEAH. WROTE A SONG ABOUT
IT. LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GO.
♪ I COULD'VE BEEN A DIRT POOR
FARMER IN MISSISSIPPI, HEY ♪
♪ BUT I COULDN'T
EVEN AFFORD THE DIRT ♪
♪ AH-HA-HA-HA ♪♪ THANK
YOU VERY MUCH! ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S GREAT, MAN! YEAH.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
THAT IS GREAT. THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
I NEED MORE OF THAT.
I'LL BET YOU WERE A JUNKIE OF
SOME KIND, AND THEN YOU O.D.'d,
AND YOU PUKED RIGHT OUT,
AND THEN YOU CHOKED ON IT.
WELL, NO. NO. ON YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I AIN'T NEVER T-TOOK NO PILLS.
ONLY PILL I DONE TOOK WAS
A BUFFERIN, MAN. I DON'T DO...
GET OFF IT.
I KNOW ALL ABOUT THE DRUGS. I'M
HIGH RIGHT NOW. MM-HMM. OH, YEAH.
WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT.
LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GOES.
♪ I DONE SHOT SO
MUCH DRUGS IN THE '60s ♪
♪ I CAN STILL GET
HIGH OFF THE RESIDUE ♪
♪ AH-HA-HA-HA ♪♪
THANK YOU VERY MUCH! MAN!
ALL RIGHT. YOU ARE
BLOWING MY MIND, MAN!
WELL, THANK YOU. ALL
RIGHT, NOW. OH, YES.
YOU TAPPED INTO A GREAT LIFE,
STUFF... THAT WHOLE BLUES THING.
BUT I CAN'T. I
CAN'T TAP INTO IT!
NOW, SURE, YOU CAN, BOY. EVERYBODY
GOT SOME BLUES IN THEM SOMEWHERE.
YOU JUST GOT TO KNOW
WHERE TO LOOK. MM-HMM.
WHERE? TRY YOUR FACE, JUNIOR.
MM-HMM. LOOK HERE. THAT'S ENOUGH
TO GIVE ME THE BLUES RIGHT NOW.
I AIN'T WRITE NO SONG ABOUT
THAT, BUT I THINK I COULD RIGHT NOW.
LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GOES.
♪ LORD, YOU SO DAMN UGLY ♪
♪ I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S YOUR
FACE OR IF YOUR NECK THREW UP ♪
♪ AH-HA-HA-HA ♪♪
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY. WHOA.
YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU ALL RIGHT?
THANK YOU VERY
MUCH! ALL RIGHT. YEAH.
WELL, THAT'S GOOD,
MAN. THAT'S REALLY GOOD.
BUT IT DOESN'T
MAKE ME FEEL BLUE.
I COULD HAVE RECONSTRUCTIVE
SURGERY. UH-HUH.
I'VE GOT A BEAUTIFUL
GIRLFRIEND WHO LOVES ME.
OH, WAIT, NO. YOU GOT TO STOP
RIGHT THERE. PUT THE BRAKES ON IT.
YOU TALKING ABOUT THE GIRL I SEEN
YOU WITH LAST NIGHT ON THE NEWS?
NO, MAN. I'M HERE TO TELL YOU,
BOY, THAT GIRL DON'T LOVE YOU.
WHAT? OH, NO. UH-UH. MM-MMM.
WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT.
LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GO.
♪ NOW, YOUR GIRLFRIEND
SAY SHE LOVE YOU ♪
♪ BUT I GUESS THE FOUR
HOURS SHE DONE SPENT
IN THE MEN'S ROOM WITH
AXL ROSE LAST NIGHT ♪
♪ IS THE WAY THAT
SHE LIKES TO SHOW IT ♪
♪ AH-HA-HA-HA ♪♪ THANK
YOU VERY MUCH! ALL RIGHT.
YEAH, MAN, I DONE SEEN
THAT WITH MY OWN EYES, MAN.
BUTT NAKED. MM-HMM. SURE ENOUGH.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT. THAT BITCH!
HOW COULD... HOW
COULD SHE DO THAT TO ME?
NOW, YOU SEE? NOW YOU GOT THE BLUES,
MAN. COME ON. WRITE A SONG ABOUT IT!
COME ON! HERE WE GO.
THERE YOU GO. UH-HUH. ALL RIGHT.
LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE WE GO.
HERE IT GOES!
♪ I GOT A SMASH HIT
A MILLION RECORDS ♪
♪ THAT SLUT AIN'T
GONNA GET A PENNY ♪
[Falsetto] ♪ YAAAH ♪
♪ AH-HA-HA-HA ♪♪
BRING IT ON. DON'T GET
NONE ON YOU THOUGH, MAN.
THERE YOU GO. COME
ON, MAN. OH, YEAH.
NOW YOU STARTIN' TO SCARE ME.
COME ON BACK, NOW. COME ON BACK.
♪ SHE MAY THINK SHE GAVE
ME A CASE OF JEALOUSY ♪
♪ BUT WHAT SHE REALLY GONNA
NEED IS A CASE OF PENICILLIN ♪
♪ YAAH, YAAH YAAH,
YAAH, YAAH YAAH, YAAH ♪
♪ YAAH ♪♪
[High-pitched Scream]
YOU THROUGH?
I THINK I BROKE A BLOOD VESSEL.
YOU ALL RIGHT? YEAH.
THANKS A LOT, MAN. YOU ALL
RIGHT? OH, YEAH, WELL... GOTTA GO?
YOU'RE REALLY GREAT. LOOK
HERE, YOU FORGOT YOUR...
YEAH!
♪ WHILE HE GOT THE BLUES ♪
♪ I GOT ALL THE MONEY ♪♪
[Man] HERE COME THE DRUMS!
♪♪ [Hip-hop] ALL
RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
♪ BASS IN YOUR FACE NOT AN EIGHT
TRACK, GETTIN' IT GOOD TO THE WOOD ♪
♪ SO THE PEOPLE GIVE YOU SOME
OF THAT REACTIN' TO THE FACTS ♪
♪ TILL I KICK AND IT STICK AND IT
STAY AROUND POINTIN' TO THE JOINT ♪
♪ PUT THE BUDDHA DOWN ♪
♪ CAN'T TRUSS IT,
OW CAN'T TRUSS IT ♪
♪ AND I JUDGE EVERYONE
ONE BY THE ONE ♪
♪ LOOK, HERE COME THE JUDGE
WATCH IT, HERE HE COME NOW ♪
♪ DON'T SENTENCE ME,
JUDGE I AIN'T DID ♪ ♪ HUH ♪
♪ NOTHIN' TO NOBODY ♪♪
[Wind Whistling]
THIS IS THE NIGHT CHARLES
PACK BECOMES A STAR REPORTER.
I AM ABOUT TO SPEND A
LONG, COLD WINTER'S NIGHT...
WITH AN ACTUAL STREET PERSON.
OKAY. COME DOWN TO THEIR
LEVEL. TAKE THE TIE OFF.
LOSE THE TIE. OKAY.
ANYBODY HOME? [Man] SHH-NO!
HELLO? WHO IS IT?
UH, CHARLES PACK, UH, HERALD.
GO AWAY! I GAVE AT THE OFFICE.
UH, IF YOU LET ME IN,
I'LL GIVE YOU 20 BUCKS.
SU CASA ES MI CASA.
COME ON IN. WHY DON'T YOU
WIPE YOUR FEET ON THE MAT?
[Crowd Cheering, Whooping]
WHERE'S THE MAT?
HEY, THANKS, MATT.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
OH, UH, HERE'S YOUR $20. I WAS
ABOUT TO SAY, "WHERE'S THE MONEY?"
[Chuckles] MY NAME IS CHARLES.
YOUR NAME'S CHARLES. YEAH.
AND WHAT IS YOUR NAME, SIR?
[Screaming]
TESTING: ONE, TWO. AAH! UH...
MY NAME IS ANTON JACKSON,
FORMERLY OF THE JACKSON 5.
I'M JOE JACKSON'S
SECRET LOVE CHILD.
WATCH THIS. HOLD THAT.
HO! HO!
THIS IS INCREDIBLE STUFF.
UH, MR. JACKSON, I'M DOING
AN EXPOSÉ ON THE STREETS.
OH, AN EXPOSÉ. WELL, I HAPPENED TO
EXPOSÉD MYSELF ON SEVERAL STREETS.
NO, NO. SEE, I'D LIKE TO
SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU.
YOU'RE AWFULLY
FORWARD THERE, SIR.
YOU DON'T BEAT AROUND
THE BUSH, DO YOU?
IS CLARENCE SPREADING
THOSE RUMORS ABOUT ME?
HE'S A LIAR. HE'S A
LIAR WITH COLD FEET.
NO, NO, NO. YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND. AAAH!
I'M DOING A COVER STORY, AND, SEE, WHAT
MY READERS WOULD LIKE TO KNOW IS, LIKE,
HOW DO YOU MAKE IT OUT HERE ON THE
STREETS, HOW DO YOU DO THIS WHOLE THING?
OH, HOW I SURVIVE. YEAH.
WELL, ACTUALLY IT'S NOT
THAT BAD UNTIL IT RAINS.
THEN WE GOT THAT PROBLEM.
BUT THIS IS PRETTY COMFORTABLE.
SEE ALL THIS EARLY AMERICAN
FURNITURE I GOT AROUND HERE?
THIS IS EARLY AMERICAN?
IF YOU DON'T GET THERE EARLY,
THE GARBAGE MAN WILL TAKE IT AWAY.
BUT HOW DO YOU MAKE IT
WITHOUT MODERN APPLIANCES?
AH, THAT'S NO PROBLEM. SEE, I CAN MAKE
A CALL. WATCH, I'M GONNA MAKE A CALL.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. THIS MAN
HAS HOOKED UP A TELEPHONE.
THIS IS INCREDIBLE. HEY, JOE!
WHERE ARE YOU?
I'M ON THE OTHER LINE. I'LL
CALL YOU BACK. ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, BUT WHAT ABOUT WHEN YOU WANT
TO UNWIND? SOME OF THIS HUMAN STUFF?
WELL, THAT'S SIMPLE. I JUST WATCH
MY ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM OVER HERE.
I SIT IN FRONT, AND
FROM HERE I CAN SEE...
WHEN I GET UP IN THE MORNING I
WATCH GOOD MORNING, SKID ROW.
AND THEN LATER ON,
WHEN THE MISSION LETS OUT,
IT TURNS INTO COPS,
AND ABOUT MIDNIGHT WE
SEE THE ADULT CHANNEL.
PLUS I GOT CABLE. YOU
WANT TO SEE THE CABLE?
HOLY JE... DID YOU SEE THAT
GUY GET SUCKER PUNCHED?
OH, THAT'S PAY-PER-VIEW.
YOU'LL HAVE TO COUGH UP A COUPLE
MORE DOLLARS IF YOU WANT TO SEE THAT.
OKAY. UH, LISTEN.
DO YOU EVER YEARN
FOR THE LUXURIES OF LIFE?
WELL, I GOT EVERYTHING
A MAN NEEDS TO SURVIVE.
LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING OVER
HERE IN THE WEST WING OF THE ESTATE.
THIS HERE'S MY TWO-CART GARAGE.
[Imitating Car Alarm Chirping]
THIS IS GREAT STUFF.
WHY DON'T YOU
JOIN ME FOR DINNER?
I WAS JUST ABOUT TO SIT
DOWN AND HAVE SOME DINNER.
OKAY. WHAT ARE YOU HAVING?
I'M-A HAVE TAKEOUT. WHAT DO
YOU WANT... ITALIAN OR CHINESE?
[Chuckling] UH, CHINESE IS FINE.
THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE, FOLKS.
THIS MAN, WHO HAS NOTHING,
IS OFFERING ME TAKE-OUT FOOD.
OKAY. OH, GOD!
THAT'S CHINESE.
IF YOU WANT SOME MORE, YOU TAKE
IT OUT OF THE GARBAGE YOURSELF.
- YOU WANT PANDA?
- NO, THAT'S... YEAH, I ATE.
IT'S LIKE NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
WHY DON'T YOU MAKE YOURSELF... COME
HERE. LET ME MAKE YOU UP THE GUEST BED.
YOU SEE THIS? HERE'S THE SHEET.
YOU CAN USE THAT AS A BLANKET.
AND HERE, I WAS GONNA
USE THIS AS TOILET PAPER,
BUT YOU CAN USE IT AS A PILLOW.
THAT'S VERY THOUGHTFUL. SO I JUST,
UH... I SLEEP ON THE FLOOR RIGHT HERE.
YEAH, YOU JUST LAY ON DOWN. I'M GONNA
DO THE SAME. YOU JUST DO WHAT I DO.
OH.
DAMN, THIS TOENAIL
HARDER THAN A GINSU.
LYING HERE... [Groaning]
LYING HERE IN A PIT OF DESPAIR,
I CAN ALMOST SMELL THE STENCH
OF THE LONELINESS, THE POVERTY,
THE PUTRID AROMA
OF LOST DREAMS...
AND LOST SOULS.
[Grunts]
THE, UH... I THINK
I'M STARTING...
IT MAKES ME NAUSEOUS.
IT'S SLIGHTLY OVERWHELMING.
BRINGS TEARS TO MY EYES.
HAVING TROUBLE FOCUSING.
[Gasps] THE THOUGHT
OF SPENDING...
I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. I'M REALLY NOT.
BUT I'M GONNA DO IT. I'M GONNA
HANG IN, AND I'M GONNA MAKE IT.
[Gagging] OH, GOD!
I'M SORRY. OH, GOD. OH, GOD.
YOU CAN'T SLEEP.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO USE THE
BATHROOM. WHERE'S THE BATHROOM?
OH, HERE IT IS RIGHT HERE.
[Loud Gagging]
HEY!
HEY, MY MAN! WHAT
ABOUT THE STORY?
♪ LIVIN' JUST ENOUGH ♪
♪ JUST ENOUGH FOR THE CITY ♪
♪ JUST ENOUGH ♪
♪ LIVIN' FOR THE CITY ♪♪
HEY, WE WANT TO THANK YOU ALL
FOR HANGING OUT WITH US TONIGHT.
WE HAD A GOOD TIME.
TOMMY. STOP, BOY.
SAY GOOD NIGHT.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
♪♪ [Hip-hop]