In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 2, Episode 6 - The Black Man's Guide to Understanding the Black Woman - full transcript

HI. I'M KEENAN IVORY WAYANS,
AND WELCOME TO THE SHOW.

YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO THINK
OF DIFFERENT WAYS TO OPEN THE SHOW.

AND TONIGHT, I SAID
TO MYSELF, OKAY.

NOW, WHAT COULD I POSSIBLY
DO TO GET IT STARTED LARGE?

I COULDN'T THINK OF ANYTHING
BETTER THAN MY MAIN MAN...

FROM MONEY-EARNIN'
MOUNT VERNON, HEAVY D.

♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN' ♪

♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪



♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪

♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪

♪ TAKE IT FROM ME IT'S A'IGHT
TO BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ AND HOW WOULD YOU FEEL
KNOWING PREJUDICE WAS OBSOLETE ♪

♪ AND ALL MANKIND
DANCED TO THE EXACT BEAT ♪

♪ AND AT NIGHT IT WAS SAFE TO WALK
DOWN THE STREET ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ EVERYBODY HERE
IS EQUALLY KIND ♪

♪ EVERYBODY HERE
IS EQUALLY KIND ♪

♪ EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY
EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY ♪



♪ EVERYBODY HERE IS EQUALLY
KIND ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ WHAT'S MINE IS YOURS
AND WHAT'S YOURS IS MINE ♪

♪ IN LIVING C-C-C-OLOR ♪

♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN' ♪

♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪ ♪ YOU CAN WALK
ON THE MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪

♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪

♪ TAKE IT FROM ME IT'S A'IGHT
TO BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ AND HOW WOULD YOU FEEL
KNOWING PREJUDICE WAS OBSOLETE ♪

♪ AND ALL MANKIND
DANCED TO THE EXACT BEAT ♪

♪ AND AT NIGHT IT WAS SAFE TO WALK
DOWN THE STREET ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
DO WHAT YOU, DO, DO, DO ♪

♪ DO, DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ EVERYBODY HERE IS EQUALLY
KIND ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ WHAT'S MINE IS YOURS
AND WHAT'S YOURS IS MINE ♪

- ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
- ♪ HOW WOULD YOU FEEL KNOWIN'
EVERYBODY WAS YOUR FRIEND ♪

♪ FROM THIN TO THICK AND
THROUGH THICK AND THIN ♪

♪ AND EGOTISTICAL
TRIPS WAS PUT TO AN END ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪ ♪ YOU
CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪

ALL RISE. THIS COURT
IS NOW IN SESSION.

THE HONORABLE GODFREY
HEADLEY PRESIDING!

HEY, MON!

HOLD ON TO YOUR BRIEFS, IT'S
TIME FOR ANOTHER EPISODE...

OF "HEY MON," STARRING THAT
HARD-WORKING JUDICIAL FAMILY,

THE HEADLEYS!

BRING IN THE FIRST DEFENDANT.

WILL THE CLERK OF THE
COURT READ THE CHARGES?

THE PEOPLE VS. BEVERLY TRAPP,
SOLICITING FOR PROSTITUTION!

IS THE COUNSEL FOR
DEFENSE PRESENT?

- I AM HERE, YOUR HONOR.
- THEN IS THE PROSECUTOR
PRESENT?

I AM, YOUR HONOR.

WAIT A MINUTE. YOU'RE THE
JUDGE AND THE PROSECUTOR?

THAT'S RIGHT. I'M ALSO THE NIGHT
COURT JUDGE, THE CIRCUIT JUDGE,

THE TENNIS COURT JUDGE,
THE JUDGE OF STAR SEARCH,

A GOOD JUDGE OF CHARACTER AND
THE UNDERSTUDY FOR JUDGE REINHOLD.

THAT'S THE MOST RIDICULOUS
THING I'VE EVER HEARD.

I'LL BE THE JUDGE OF THAT.

MR. PROSECUTOR, CALL
YOUR FIRST WITNESS.

I CALL MY "SEMI-LAZICAL,"

HARDLY-GOT-SIX-JOBS
SON BYRON TO THE STAND.

HURRY UP, RASTA BOY. YOU'RE
SLOW AS THE SAP ON A COCONUT TREE.

DO YOU SWEAR TO TELL THE TRUTH, THE
WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHIN' BUT THE TRUTH?

I DO. THEN WHO WAS THE GIRL I
SEEN YOU WITH THE OTHER NIGHT?

WHAT'S SHE TALKIN'
ABOUT? BAILIFF!

I'LL ASK THE QUESTIONS 'ERE.

RAMBO RASTA RAMBO BOY.
WHAT YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

WHO WAS THE WOMAN YOU
SAW HER WITH LAST NIGHT?

SHE WAS A PROSTITUTE!

I WAS WORKIN'!

AND WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A JOB?

I'M AN UNDERCOVER
OFFICER, A PAROLE OFFICER,

A NARCOTICS OFFICER,
CHIEF PETTY OFFICER,

A PETTY CHIEF OFFICER, A
OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN,

AND I'M A MAKEUP MAN
FOR JUDGE REINHOLD.

NOW, BOY. TELL THE
JUDGE WHAT HAPPEN!

I WAS WORKIN' AS AN UNDERCOVER
JAPANESE BUSINESSMAN. UH-HUH.

THEN THIS WOMAN, SHE COME
WHISPERIN' SOMETHIN' IN MY EAR.

SOMETHIN' ABOUT "GIVIN'
ME A JOB" OR SOMETHIN'!

- OH, SO THIS INVOLVES JOBS!
- IT CERTAINLY DOES.

AND, HOW MANY JOBS DO YOU DO?

UH, I BEEN KNOWN TO DO, UH,
20 JOBS IN A NIGHT, GIVE OR TAKE.

WHOO! TWENTY JOB IN ONE NIGHT!

YOU ONE HARD-WORKING HEIFER.

CASE DISMISSED. I WANT YOU
TO MEET ME IN MY CHAMBER.

NEXT!

THE PEOPLE VS. RYAN
THOMAS, ARMED ROBBERY!

YOUR HONOR. MY CLIENT
SAYS HE HAS AN AIRTIGHT ALIBI.

WAIT, THIS IS THE
PUBLIC DEFENDER?

THAT'S RIGHT. I'M NOT ONLY THE P.D.,
I'M ALSO THE D.A., A C.P.A., AN E.M.T.,

AN O.B./G.Y.N., THE M.V.P. OF THE
L.P.G.A., AND I AM JUDGE REINHOLD.

I HAVE A VERY GOOD
MAKEUP MAN, YOU KNOW.

YOUR HONOR, AT THE
TIME OF THE CRIME,

MY CLIENT WAS NOWHERE NEAR
THE SCENE. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

AT LEAST 50 PEOPLE SAW ME. I WAS
STANDIN' IN LINE TO GET MY UNEMPLOYMENT.

UNEMPLOYMENT!

YOU COLLECTIN' MONEY
FOR NOT EVEN WORKIN'?

OOH, THAT'S A CRIME
IF I EVER HEARD OF ONE!

YOU LAZY RADISH YANKEE
TUB, GET OUT OF MY COURT!

GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!

NEXT!

THE STATE VS. REGINALD McCORT!

McCORT? WHAT KINDA DUMB
NAME IS THAT FOR A RASTA?

BLACK IRISH.

AND WHAT HAVE YOU GOTTA
SAY FOR YOURSELF, LEPRECHAUN?

WELL, YOUR HONOR, I ADMIT, YOUR
HONESTY, I'M A FORGER, AN EMBEZZLER,

A BURGLAR, A PICKPOCKET,
A JAYWALKER, A SHOPLIFTER,

A NUMBERS-RUNNER, A CON MAN.

I TEAR THE LABELS OFF OF
MATTRESSES, AND I MAKE ILLEGAL COPIES...

OF JUDGE REINHOLD MOVIES.

COURT STENOGRAPHER,
HOW MANY T'ING WERE THAT...

"MR. LUCKY CHARM"
SAY? TEN T'INGS!

TEN T'INGS?

YOU ONE HARD-WORKING "MON."

I SENTENCE YOU TO TEN
YEAR AT HARD LABOR.

THANK YOU, YOUR HONESTY.

DID YOU HEAR WHAT I
SAID? I SAID, "HARD LABOR"!

"HEY, MON!"

I SENTENCE ALL THE HEADLEYS
TO TEN YEARS' HARD LABOR.

HILDA, YOU GONNA
MAKE A LICENSE PLATE.

BYRON, YOU GONNA DO THE LAUNDRY.
MATILDA, YOU GONNA GET IN THE METAL SHOP.

AND I... I GONNA WORK
IN THE CHAIN GANG.

- HEY!
- OKAY, WE SHARE THE CHAIN GANG.

HEY, MON! THEN WE GO TO JAIL!

♪♪

♪♪

SHAHARA ZAH ALI. YOU'VE
SEEN HER ON DONAHUE.

AND IT'S EVERY BLACK MAN'S RIGHT
TO SLAP A BLACK WOMAN IN THE MOUTH.

MM-HMM.

YOU'VE SEEN HER ON
SALLY JESSY RAPHAEL.

A BLACK WOMAN SHOULD NOT
COMPLAIN ABOUT SHARIN' HER BLACK MAN.

DON'T DENY IT.
YOU'RE DENYIN' IT! SEE...

AND, YOU'VE SEEN
HER ON FARM REPORT.

FURTHERMORE, IF A BLACK HOG
WANTS TO KEEP HIS STY TOGETHER,

HE SHOULD SLAP HIS BLACK SOW IN THE
MOUTH WHEN SHE NEEDS IT... DON'T DENY IT!

SHE'S SHAHARA ZAH
ALI, THE AUTHOR OF...

YOU'VE READ HER BOOK. NOW,
GET HER NEW, HOW-TO VIDEO.

THIS EASY TO FOLLOW,
STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE...

WILL MAKE YOU, ONCE AGAIN,
THE KING OF YOUR DOMAIN.

FIND OUT IF YOU HAVE WHAT IT
TAKES WITH THIS SIMPLE QUIZ...

FROM PART ONE OF HER VIDEO,
"LINES OF COMMUNICATION."

- HEY, BABE.
- HI, BABY!

IS IT 6:00 ALREADY? YOU KNOW IT.

OH, YOU KNOW LITTLE JAKE WENT AND BLEW
UP HIS NINJA TURTLE IN THE MICROWAVE TODAY.

AND THEN AQUANETTA TWISTED AND BROKE
HER ANKLE TRYIN' TO DO THAT VOGUE DANCE...

SO, I MEAN, I HAD TO RUSH HER TO
THE HOSPITAL. SO I GOT NO DINNER?

MM-HMM. NOW WHAT WOULD
YOU DO IN THIS SITUATION:

A., TAKE HER OUT TO
A NICE RESTAURANT,

B., HAVE DINNER AT
YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S,

OR C., GIVE HER AN
OPEN-HANDED SLAP IN THE MOUTH?

THE ANSWER, OF COURSE, IS "C."

A GOOD SLAP IN THE MOUTH
WILL TRAIN YOUR BLACK WOMAN...

NOT TO PUT HER TRIVIAL
CONCERNS OVER YOUR NEEDS.

SITUATION NUMBER TWO. YOUR WIFE
FINDS OUT YOU'RE HAVIN' AN AFFAIR.

WITH MY OWN SISTER?

LOOK, I...

A., A DOZEN LONG-STEM ROSES,

B., THE NECKLACE YOU WERE
GOING TO GIVE YOUR GIRLFRIEND,

OR C., AN OPEN-HANDED
SLAP IN THE MOUTH?

NOW, IF YOU SAID "C", YOU'RE WELL
ON YOUR WAY TO BECOMING KING.

NOW HERE'S A TOUGH ONE.
YOUR WIFE DOES SOMETHIN' NICE.

I SAY IT'S TOUGH, 'CAUSE
A BLACK WOMAN AIN'T

GONNA NEVER DO NOTHIN'
NICE FOR A BLACK MAN.

SHE'S SNEAKY, AND IF SHE DOES
SOMETHING NICE, IT'S A TRICK... WATCH HER.

HEY, BABY! I GOT YOU TWO
TICKETS TO THE LAKERS GAME.

LEMME SEE THOSE...

DO YOU, A., THANK HER AND ASK
HER IF SHE'D LIKE TO JOIN YOU,

B., THANK HER AND
TAKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND,

OR C., GIVE HER AN
OPEN-HANDED SLAP IN THE MOUTH?

THE ANSWER IS "B" AND "C."

BEFORE YOU TAKE YOUR
GIRLFRIEND, REMEMBER THIS:

AN UNEXPECTED SLAP NEVER HURTS.

NOW, IF YOU ANSWERED ANY OF
THESE QUESTIONS CORRECTLY,

YOU'RE READY TO
MOVE ON TO PART TWO:

"PUTTIN' THE MAN
BACK IN MANHANDLING."

FEATURIN' ACTUAL
DEMONSTRATIONS BY REAL EXPERTS...

SUCH AS MIKE TYSON
AND IKE TURNER.

A BLACKMAN'S RIGHTS
LEFTS & UPPERCUTS.

MAKE YOUR WIFE BUY IT
TODAY. IF SHE HESITATES,

YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.

HEY, I WAS WATCHIN' THAT.

OH, I'M SORRY. YEAH?
WELL, YOU'RE GONNA BE.

SHAHARA ZAH THAT!

SO IS THIS PLACE
OKAY FOR YOU, OR...

YEAH, NO. IT'S FINE. I
THINK IT LOOKS FINE.

I FIGURED YOU'D LIKE IT, YOU
KNOW. SOUL FOOD AND STUFF.

HEY, THANKS JAKE.

IT'S OUR WAY OF SAYIN' WELCOME TO THE
PRACTICE, MAN. MAKE YOU FEEL AT HOME.

UH, HELLO? OH, JUST A
SECOND. I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YA.

HOW ARE MY TWO
BABIES DOIN' TODAY?

WE'RE DOIN' GOOD.
HOW ARE YOU? OHH...

MY RHEUMATISM ACTIN' UP.
AND MY PILES BEEN PAININ' ME.

BUT I COULDN'T BE BETTER, NOW THAT MY
TWO GOOD-LOOKIN' GENTLEMEN FRIENDS...

HAVE COME IN TO HAVE A GOOD
OLD, HOME-COOKED MEAL FROM MAMA.

WHO SAID VEAL? SOMEBODY
WANT VEAL? PICK IT UP.

OH, YOU THE SPITTIN'
IMAGE OF MY GODSON JARVIS.

- FRANCES, DON'T HE
LOOK LIKE JARVIS?
- MM-HMM. LOOK JUST LIKE JARVIS.

MM-HMM.

YOU BOYS SEEMS SO
FANCY. WHAT ARE YA?

WELL, WE'RE BOTH ORTHODONTISTS.

OH, BABY, THAT AIN'T
NOTHIN' TO BE ASHAMED OF.

'COURSE, I'M A BAPTIST MYSELF.

BUT I HEAR Y'ALL
GOT A GOOD SERVICE.

MM-HMM! JUST LIKE JARVIS.

I AIN'T SAY NOTHIN' ABOUT NO
JARVIS. YOU JUST SAID JARVIS.

I SAID THAT THREE DAYS
AGO, WHERE YOU BEEN?

DON'T GET MY PRESSURE UP.
WHO SAID THEY WANT FRUIT CUP?

PICK IT UP!

OH. Y'ALL GONNA STAND
AROUND LIKE MY NAME IS MA BELL.

HMM. EVERY TIME THE PHONE
RINGS, EVERYBODY GOES DEAF.

BUT ME. MAKES ME SICK.

HELLO? SNACKIN' SHACK.

THEY'LL BE A 45 MINUTE WAIT.

JOHNNY CARSON? I DON'T
CARE IF YOU JOHNNY APPLESEED.

THERE'S STILL A 45 MINUTE WAIT.

EXCUSE ME? NO NEED TO EXCUSE
YOURSELF. WHAT YOU WANT?

- I'D LIKE TO BE SEATED.
- I'D LIKE TO HAVE THESE CORNS
OFF MY FEET,

BUT WE CAN'T ALWAYS
HAVE WHAT WE WANT.

- BUT THE TABLES ARE EMPTY.
- THEY EMPTY, BUT THEY RESERVED.

- YOU GOT A RESERVATION?
- NO, BUT...

THEN YOU JUST GONNA HAVE TO WAIT TILL I
SIT YO' BIG BUTT DOWN THERE, WON'T YOU?

UH, EXCUSE ME? MA'AM,
COULD WE GET SOME WATER?

OH, SURE, BABY.

WHY DON'T YOU DO THE ORDERING?

YEAH, DO THE ORDERING.
HERE YOU GO, DRINK UP.

- OH, THANKS.
- DO YOU HAVE ANY
PELLEGRINO?

OH, NO, BABY. THAT'S JUST
A LITTLE BIT OF PSORIASIS.

BUT BOY, IT SURE DO
MAKE MY SKIN FLAKE.

- WHO SAY THEY WANT STEAK?
- PICK IT UP! STEAK!

SO, WHAT YOU TWO
BOYS GONNA HAVE?

OH, DON'T PAY NO MIND TO
THIS. UH, WELL LET ME SEE.

WHAT ABOUT THE, UH, MEAT LOAF?

- MEAT LOAF!
- MEAT LOAF!

- AIN'T NO MO' MEAT LOAF.
- AIN'T NO MO' MEAT LOAF.

WE AIN'T GOT NO MO'
MEAT LOAF. ALL RIGHT.

UH, THEN WHAT ABOUT
THE FRIED CHICKEN?

- FRIED CHICKEN!
- FRIED CHICKEN!

- AIN'T NO MO' FRIED CHICKEN.
- NO MO' FRIED CHICKEN.

WE AIN'T GOT NO MO' FRIED
CHICKEN. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

UM, UH, THEN GIVE
ME THE RIBS. RIBS!

- RIBS!
- AIN'T NO MO' RIBS.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE?
WE HAVE CHITLINS.

OH, THAT SOUNDS GREAT.
HOW IS IT PREPARED?

ONLY BUT ONE WAY TO PREPARE 'EM.

FIRST, YOU CUT 'EM OUT THE PIG,
THEN YOU SQUEEZE OUT THE DOOKEY,

THEN YOU TURN 'EM INSIDE OUT AND LET
'EM SET IN BLEACH FOR ABOUT TWO DAYS.

AND JUST AS THE FUNK START RISIN'
OFF THE TOP, THAT'S WHEN YOU BOIL 'EM.

OH, YEAH. WELL, UH, I
THINK I'LL HAVE SOME SOUP.

- OKAY. TWO SOUPS.
- TWO SOUPS. PICK IT UP!

EXCUSE ME?

NOW I SAID THAT I'D BE WITH YOU. NOW DON'T
YOU RUSH ME. MAMA GONNA HAVE TO SPANK YOU.

- I'LL BE WITH YOU WHEN I FINISH.
- WHO WANTS SPINACH? PICK IT UP!

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM? EXCUSE
ME? I THINK I'LL NEED A SPOON.

WHAT YOU SAY, BABY? UH, SPOON?

OH, DID MAMA FORGET TO
GIVE YOU THE SILVERWARE?

OH, BABY, I'M SORRY. YOU WANT
A BIG SPOON OR A LITTLE SPOON?

- UH, SOUP SPOON.
- OH, LET MAMA SEE WHAT SHE GOT
DOWN HERE FOR YOU.

OH, HERE YOU GO, BABY.
YOU WANT A NAPKIN?

UH, NO-NO, NO, NO, NO!

I'LL, UH... USE UP HIS SLEEVES.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS
IS REALLY GOOD. OH, YEAH?

EXCUSE ME? WHAT'S IN THIS SOUP?

OH, LET ME SEE.

OH, FEEL LIKE YOUR EARRING,
FRANCES. AND YOUR HAIRNET TOO.

OH, OH, LUCKY DAY!

OH! OH, LOOK. I'M SORRY, MAN.

- WHO SAID THEY WANT SPAM?
- SPAM! PICK IT UP!

UH, I JUST CAN'T EAT HERE. I
HOPE YOU'RE NOT OFFENDED.

OFFENDED? NO. NOT REALLY.

I KNOW THIS GREAT PLACE ON THE
WEST SIDE. WANT TO CHECK IT OUT?

SOUNDS GREAT.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.

- IT'S YOUR NIGHT.
- WHERE YOU GOIN', BABIES?

THEY DIDN'T EVEN
TOUCH THEIR FOOD.

EXCUSE ME. CAN I
PLEASE GET A SEAT NOW?

OH, BABY, YOU CAN SIT WHEREVER
YOU WANT. BUT THE KITCHEN'S CLOSED.

SO IF YOU WANT TO EAT, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
TO TAKE YOUR CHUBBY BEHIND SOMEWHERE ELSE.

SOMEBODY SAY
JARVIS WAS OUT HERE?

BENNY! HEY, I JUST WANTED TO
THANK YOU FOR INVITING ME HERE.

YOU KNOW, NOTHING MAKES ME
HAPPIER THAN SAVING THE DOLPHINS.

EXCEPT FOR WORKIN' FOR
YOU AT GEMCO, MAYBE, HUH?

I'M SURE EVERYONE
HERE WOULD AGREE.

OH, NO! WHAT IS HE
DOIN' HERE? I'M SORRY?

EXCUSE ME, SIR. THIS
PARTY IS BY INVITATION ONLY.

WELL, THE NAME IS FRENCHY.
AND DON'T BE SO "COUPE DE VILLE."

OF COURSE I HAVE AN
INVITATION. I'M HERE WITH BENNY.

HEY, BEN-NY! HIGH
FIVE! HIGH FIVE!

HIGH FIVE! BETTER THAN
ME. YOU SEE? I'M WITH HIM.

NOW, YOU KNOW I GOT
TO BE, BECAUSE I'M HIP.

I'M SLICK. AND ALL THE WOMEN
LOVE... MY CLOTHES. GOTCHA!

HEY, BENNY! MON SOUFFLÉ, MAN!

WHAT?

OH, MAN! WHAT YOU GOT HERE, BENNY?
AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT SOME FRANKFURTERS...

WRAPPED IN BREAD, MAN!

I THOUGHT YOU TOLD ME IT WAS A CLASSY
AFFAIR. I'M GLAD I BROUGHT THESE HOT WINGS.

WHAT ARE YOU...
OH, MY... HERE, MAN.

HOW THE HELL DID YOU
FIND ME? OH, "TRÈS SIMPLÉ."

WHEN YOU ACCIDENTALLY THREW
MY NUMBER IN THE TRASH CAN,

I RAN OUTSIDE AND TOOK DOWN
YOUR LICENSE PLATE NUMBER.

THEN I CALLED THE D.M.V. THEY
GIVE ME YOUR EX-WIFE'S LAST NAME?

I CALLED HER. I TALKED TO HER FOR FIVE
MINUTES, AND YOU KNOW WHAT SHE SAY?

HERE THE ADDRESS, HERE THE TELEPHONE
NUMBER, JUST GO ON DOWN THERE.

SHE SAY ME AND YOU
DESERVE EACH OTHER, BENNY.

OH, YEAH. I OWE HER ONE.
CAN YOU EXCUSE ME A SECOND?

I GOTTA GET SOMETHING
OVER HERE. ALL RIGHT.

WELL, BONJOUR, "MON DERRIÈRE."

IT'S A PLEASURE TO MAKE
YOUR "ACQUAINT-ANCE."

UH, I'M A FRIEND OF BENNY. MY NAME IS
LEONARD, BUT EVERYBODY CALLS ME FRENCHY.

OH, WHY IS THAT? 'CAUSE I
TOOK FRENCH IN 11th GRADE.

AND I LOVE TO KISS THAT WAY.

YOU CERTAINLY DO!

HEY, BRUCE LEE!

A FRIEND OF BENNY'S. MAN,
I LOVE YOUR MOVIES, MAN.

HI! YEAH, HI!

SAY HELLO TO KAREEM
ABDUL-JABBAR FOR ME.

LOOK, UM, FRENCHY, DO YOU KNOW
THAT THIS AFFAIR COST OVER $1,000 A HEAD?

A THOUSAND DOLLARS A HEAD? YES!

OH, MAN, YOU GETTIN'
RIPPED OFF. I KNOW THESE...

NO, NO, NO. THAT'S NOT
WHAT I MEAN, ALL RIGHT?

THIS IS TO RAISE FUNDS
FOR THE DOLPHINS.

OH, MAN! I DON'T TELL YOU HOW
TO SPEND YOUR MONEY, BENNY.

BUT IT'S THE RAMS THAT'S
IN TROUBLE! OH, YOU ARE A...

EXCUSE ME. THAT IS
A GORGEOUS GOWN.

WELL, THANK YOU, BENNY. UH-HUH.
THAT LOOK LIKE THE ONE MY MAMA GOT...

ON THE HOME SHOPPING CLUB.

IS THAT POLYESTER? NO,
ACTUALLY, IT'S 100% RAW SILK.

OH, I'M SORRY. WELL, MAYBE ONE DAY YOU
CAN SAVE UP AND PUT SOME ON LAYAWAY.

OH! HEY, BRUCE LEE!

WHAT'S GOIN' ON, MAN? HOW YOU
DOIN'? WHAT'S YOU DRINKIN', MAN?

WHAT THEY GOT THERE,
CHAMPAGNE? OH, MAN.

B.Y.O.B.B. "BRING
YOUR OWN BROWN BAG."

THAT'S RIGHT. I GOT
THE GOOD STUFF HERE.

"COLD DUCK." THAT'S RIGHT.

GIVE YA HALF THE TASTE
AND TWICE THE GAS.

YOU LIKE THAT? BUT HEY, I'M HIP.

I'M SLICK, AND ALL THE WOMEN
WANT MY PHONE NUMBER.

HEY, BENNY. LET'S
TOAST TO BENNY.

BENNY! THIS IS FOR YOU! CHEERS!

WHOO! HEY, BENNY MAN.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK... I DON'T WANT
YOU TO THINK I'M MAKIN' FRIENDS OVER THERE,

AND I DONE FORGOT ABOUT
YOU... HAVE A LITTLE SWIG.

AS I WAS SAYING, I RECEIVED
MY B.A. FROM S.M.U., YES.

AND MY Ph.D. FROM M.I.T. UH-HUH.
WELL, WELL! "TRÈS IMPRESS ME."

I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I
BOUGHT MY B.L.T. FROM MICKEY D's.

GET ALL MY GROUND BEEF FROM A&P,

AND ONCE GOT V.D. IN D.C. WHOA!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

I GUESS IT'S TIME FOR ME
TO GET THIS PARTY STARTED.

HEY, MAN! "EXCUSA MOI."

MONSIEUR MASSENGILL.

NOW, DO YOU KNOW ANY
RICK JAMES? OH, I DON'T KNOW.

COME ON, MAN. TRUST ME. THAT'S
WHAT THIS PARTY NEEDS, MAN!

I USED TO BE THE TAMBOURINE PLAYER WITH
CEPHUS AND REESIE SO I KNOW MUSIC, MAN.

NOW, COME ON, LET'S COUNT IT
OFF ON FOUR, "SUPERFREAK," RIGHT?

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!
♪ VERY KINKY GIRL ♪

♪ THE KIND YOU DON'T
TAKE HOME TO MAMA ♪

OH, WATCH ME NOW.

YOU AIN'T NEVER SEEN NOBODY
FUNKY PENGUIN LIKE THIS, HUH?

AH, SHUCKS, NOW.
FUNKY CHICKEN. ♪♪

I CAN DO ALL THE BIRDS, MAN.
HEY, EVERYBODY. "SOUL TRAIN."

LET'S LINE IT UP, NOW.
COME ON, WOMAN.

THAT'S RIGHT! I WANT
ALL THE MEN ON THIS SIDE,

ALL THE LADIES ON THAT SIDE.

ALL RIGHT... ♪ EAST
COAST, WEST COAST ♪

♪ EAST COAST, WEST COAST ♪

♪ THE ROOF, THE ROOF
THE ROOF IS ON FIRE ♪

EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME. WHAT, MAN?

YOU THE OWNER OF THE RED
PINTO OUT THERE? GO MOVE IT!

HEY, MAN. I AIN'T
DRIVIN' A PINTO.

I'M DRIVIN' A
GREMLIN. EXCUSE ME!

♪ OOH, OOH OOH,
OOH ♪ WHAT ARE YOU...

♪♪ YOU JHERI-CURL-JUICE-DRIPPIN'
SHARECROPPER!

YOU'RE TURNIN' MY
PARTY INTO A FIASCO!

OH, YOU AIN'T GOTTA
THANK ME, MON TOUPÉE!

IT'S WHAT I DO, MAN!
'CAUSE I'M HIP, I'M SLICK,

AND ALL THE WOMEN
LOVE MY COLOGNE!

COME ON! ♪ OOH, OOH ♪

♪♪ I DON'T KNOW THIS
MAN. I DON'T KNOW HIM.

♪♪

WE OUTTA HERE! SEE YA NEXT WEEK.

♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT
YOU WANNA DO ♪♪