In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 2, Episode 24 - Episode #2.24 - full transcript
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN' ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
♪ TAKE IT FROM ME IT'S A'IGHT
TO BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ AND HOW WOULD YOU FEEL
KNOWING PREJUDICE WAS OBSOLETE ♪
♪ AND ALL MANKIND
DANCED TO THE EXACT BEAT ♪
♪ AND AT NIGHT IT WAS SAFE TO WALK
DOWN THE STREET ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ EVERYBODY HERE
IS EQUALLY KIND ♪
♪ EVERYBODY HERE
IS EQUALLY KIND ♪
♪ EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY
EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY HERE IS EQUALLY
KIND ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ WHAT'S MINE IS YOURS
AND WHAT'S YOURS IS MINE ♪
♪ IN LIVING C-C-C-OLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN' ♪
♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
♪ TAKE IT FROM ME IT'S A'IGHT
TO BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪
[Audience Applauding, Cheering]
[Muffled Yelling]
SW1, KICK IT.
♪♪ [Resumes]
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪ ♪ YOU CAN WALK
ON THE MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
♪ TAKE IT FROM ME IT'S A'IGHT
TO BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪
NOW, LIL MAGIC, NOW, LISTEN TO ME.
DON'T YOU FORGET WHAT MAMA TOLD YOU.
YOU GOT TO GET THIS
PART 'CAUSE RENT IS DUE...
AND WE DONE CASHED IN OUR LAST
FOOD STAMP ON BUS FARE DOWN HERE.
DON'T WORRY, MAMA.
I'M GONNA GET THE JOB
THIS TIME. AND I'M GONNA
MAKE LOTS OF MONEY.
I'M GONNA BUY YOU GOLD CAPS
FOR YOUR TEETH... LIL MAGIC...
AND I'M GONNA GET ALUMINUM FOIL
FOR THE TV ANTENNA... LIL MAGIC...
AND I'M GONNA GET PEANUT'S CORRECTIVE
SHOE OUTTA THE PAWN SHOP... NOW, HUSH UP!
SORRY, MAMA. OH, THAT'S MY BABY.
OH. NOW, GIVE ME YOUR FOOT. YOU
DONE FORGOT YOUR TAP SHOES. OH, OH, OH.
NOW, HOLD STILL.
OUCH! OH, HUSH UP.
THESE SHOES WAS GOOD ENOUGH FOR LASHAWN
AND POOKIE. THEY'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.
BESIDES, THEM SOLES ONLY GOT
BUT A FEW HOLES IN 'EM. OOOUCH!
BE QUIET. NOW, PUT THAT
TOE BACK IN. YES, MAMA.
UM, FEMALE, "PAJAMA JOHNSON"? NO. THAT'S
FUHMAHLAY PAJUHMAY. THAT'S "ACRIFAN."
BUT MY FRIENDS CALL
ME "LIL MAGIC." SEE?
WHAT IS THAT? YOU
HAVE A RÉSUMÉ? A WHAT?
A RÉSUMÉ. YOU KNOW, CREDIT.
OH, CREDIT. I KEEP ME SOME CREDIT.
I GOT ME A LERON'S HAIR
WEAVE EMPORIUM CARD.
AND YOU KNOW MR. KWON
LEE, DOWN AT THE CORNER
STORE? HE GIVE ME
CREDIT WHENEVER I NEED IT.
I MEAN, WHAT HAS SHE DONE?
WHAT SHOWS HAS SHE STARRED IN?
WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY THAT IN THE FIRST
PLACE? LIL MAGIC HAD THE LEAD ROLE...
IN THE FULTON PROJECT
COMMUNITY CENTER
PRODUCTION OF PLEASE,
MAMA, DON'T USE CRACK.
AND I'M RIGHT ON MAGAZINE'S
MISS SMILE-BRITE 1987. SEE?
MY BABY'S GONNA GET THIS JOB.
I'M SORRY, MA'AM. WE'RE LOOKING
FOR PROFESSIONAL ACTORS ONLY.
YOU GONNA BE LOOKIN' FOR A DOCTOR
IF YOU DON'T GET THE HELL OUT MY WAY.
YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE.
[Man] HEY. HEY.
WHAT... WHAT'S THIS?
THIS HERE IS LIL MAGIC.
SHE ONLY THE MOST
BEAUTIFIC, WONDALICIOUS
GIRL IN THE WHOLE GALAXY.
PLUS I'M RIGHT ON MAGAZINE'S
MISS SMILE-BRITE 1987. SEE?
UH, WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO SEE
PEOPLE RIGHT NOW. OH, HUSH UP, HONEY.
SHOW THE DIRECTOR
A LIL' MAGIC. GET IT?
MAMA, MAMA, MY BATON!
OH! HERE YOU GO, HONEY.
[Director] OKAY, LET'S
SEE YA. ♪♪ [Piano Intro]
♪ A-A-AND ♪
[Marching Heavily]
♪ I AM TELLING YOU I'M NOT
GOING ♪ AH, YOU DOIN' IT, HONEY!
- SHUFFLE OFF TO BUFFALO!
- ♪ YOU'RE THE BEST MAN
I'LL EVER KNOW ♪♪
[Director] OKAY. THANK YOU,
MAGIC. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. OW!
PLAY THE DRUMS, HONEY. GET ON THE
GOOD FOOT. WE DON'T HAVE TO SEE ANY MORE.
[Mama] THIS IS FUNKY
HERE. ♪♪ [Rock Drum Fill]
WE REALLY SHOULD MOVE ON. ♪♪
[Whistles] LIL MAGIC, PLAY THE HORN!
[Director] WE'VE GOTTA
MOVE ON. ♪♪ [Fast]
LIL MAGIC, DO THE NUNCHUKS,
HONEY, THE NUNCHUKS!
[Director] I CAN'T BELIEVE...
[Mama] HAI KARATE!
YOU JUST LIKE BRUCE
LEE. [Imitating Martial Arts Yells]
SEE? OH, LIL MAGIC, SWALLOW
THE BATON. THIS IS THE BIG FINISH.
THERE YOU GO. MY LITTLE DARLING.
THAT'S IT. GET THEM OUTTA
HERE. OUT. GET THEM OUT!
YOU BETTER GET YOUR HANDS
OFF MY LITTLE GIRL. [Crash]
MAMA, MAMA, I GOT
THE JOB. I KNOW I GOT IT!
AND THE PRODUCER'S GONNA
FLY ME TO HOLLYWOOD...
UH, LIL MAGIC... ON A BIG
PLANE THAT SAYS, "LIL MAGIC."
UH, LIL MAGIC... WHEN I GET THERE,
EVERYBODY BE GATHERED AROUND THE AIRPORT,
AND THEY'LL SAY, "LIL
MAGIC..." OH, HUSH UP!
SORRY, MAMA. OH, THAT'S MY BABY.
MAMA, CAN I TAKE MY TAP
SHOES OFF? MY FEET HURT. NO!
WE GOT TWO MORE AUDITIONS CROSSTOWN, AND
YOU NEVER KNOW WHO MAY BE ON THAT CITY BUS.
NOW, YOU GOT YOUR
TRANSFER? YES, MAMA.
COME ON. LET'S GO.
I'VE HEARD THE FOOD
HERE IS QUITE EXCELLENT.
WELL, IF ANYBODY KNOWS
ABOUT FOOD, IT'S OPRAH.
HELLO-O-O! OH!
HI. WELCOME.
THANK YOU. I SEE YOU HAVE A
BOTTLE OF MY BEST CHAMPAGNE.
YOU MUST BE CELEBRATING
SOMETHING SPECIAL TONIGHT.
WELL, WE SURE ARE. WE'VE
JUST BECOME ENGAGED.
OOH, GIRLFRIEND.
ENGAGED? YES. [Laughs]
OOH. SO, YOU SET A DATE?
WELL, NO, NOT YET, BUT...
BUT SOMETIME SOON. RIGHT.
MM-HMM. GIRLFRIEND, LET OPRAH SCHOOL
YOU. THAT IS THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK.
REALLY? HONEY, A
MAN WILL USE YOU UP.
HE WILL LAY UP IN YOUR
HOUSE, SPEND UP YOUR MONEY.
HE'LL LIVE IN YOUR CONDO,
AND YOU WILL NEVER,
EVER SEE THAT GOLD
BAND ON YOUR FINGER.
BUT WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
IT'S JUST A COUPLE OF YEARS UNTIL
I FINISH SCHOOL. MM-HMM. MM-HMM.
TILL HE FINISHES
SCHOOL. OH, GIRL.
OH, GIRL, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE IN
FOR? I'VE BEEN DOWN THIS ROAD, HONEY.
[Sobs] SO MANY THINGS
HAPPEN IN TWO YEARS:
YOU GET STRETCH
MARKS, YOU GET WRINKLES.
GIRL, HE AIN'T GONNA WANT
YOU IN TWO YEARS. [Sobbing]
UM, NO, IT'S NOT... HOW
COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?
HEY, LISTEN... MEN WHO FEAR
COMMITMENT. TONIGHT AT OPRAH'S.
I HATE YOU. YOU
WANT TO SAY WHAT?
UH, NOTHING. I WAS JUST
GOING TO THE LADIES' ROOM.
OH? AND LEAVING THESE TWO ADORABLE CHILDREN
BY THEMSELVES? NO, I'M COMING RIGHT BACK.
WOMEN WHO ABANDON THEIR
CHILDREN. TONIGHT AT OPRAH'S.
MM-HMM. MM-HMM. MM-HMM. YOU
WANT TO SAY WHAT? MM-HMM. GET UP.
WHY DID SHE HAVE KIDS IF SHE'S
GONNA ABANDON THEM? [Patrons Applaud]
MM-HMM. OH, YOU HAVE A POINT?
UM, WELL... MAKE YOUR
POINT. MAKE YOUR POINT.
I-I-I JUST WANTED SOME
BUTTER FOR... THE BREAD.
THIS BREAD... GET THE GIRL SOME
BUTTER OVER HERE. THIS BREAD IS BLAND.
- MM-HMM. YOU SAY WHAT?
- TAKE HER KIDS AWAY FROM HER!
SHAME ON YOU. SOMEBODY
COME GET THESE KIDS.
THIS IS RIDICULOUS. NOBODY'S
TAKING MY KIDS AWAY FROM ME.
THESE ARE MY BABIES.
AIN'T NOBODY TAKIN' MY...
WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT?
WHO ARE YOU? WHAT? WHAT?
LISTEN! HEY, WAIT
A MINUTE. LET GO.
YO, MOM! MAMA!
MAMA! [Protesting]
[Man] DAMN RIGHT. WOMEN
TORN FROM THEIR CHILDREN.
TOMORROW NIGHT'S DINNER
CONVERSATION AT OPRAH'S.
I GUESS I'LL JUST
HAVE THE SALAD. GOOD.
WELL, YOU KNOW, THAT SOUNDS REAL GOOD.
I'M GONNA HAVE JUST WHAT SHE'S HAVING.
MEN WHO WANT TO BE
WOMEN. TONIGHT AT OPRAH'S.
WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A
MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.
I'M PERFECTLY HAPPY. YEAH.
MM-HMM. YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY?
YOU SAY IT. STAND UP. YES,
OPRAH. MY NAME IS CINDY,
BUT JUST A FEW SHORT YEARS
AGO, I WAS A MAN NAMED HANK.
- I THINK I UNDERSTAND
SOME OF YOUR PAIN, SIR.
- WAIT A MINUTE. PLEASE. STOP!
GET RID OF THE
PAIN. YOU SAY WHAT?
GET RID OF THE SECRETS.
MM-HMM. MM-HMM.
WE LOVE YOU JUST THE
WAY YOU... [Burping] ARE.
[Oprah] THANK YOU FOR
THAT. OPRAH? I'M FREE.
I'VE DECIDED TO HAVE A SEX
CHANGE OPERATION TOMORROW.
FROM HERE ON OUT I'LL BE KNOWN
AS "TANIQUA." [Patrons Applaud]
OPRAH?
I'M MY OWN FATHER. YES!
OVER HERE, OPRAH. OPRAH?
I KNOW THIS ISN'T ANYTHING
GREAT, BUT MY FEET STINK. [Applause]
YES.
I CHANNEL MOMS
MABLEY. MAKE YOUR POINT.
AND CHILD, THESE FRENCH FRIES
ARE TERRIFIC. WHAT IS YOUR SECRET?
WELL, THANK YOU ALL. NOW I HAVE
A CONFESSION THAT I HAVE TO MAKE.
YOU KNOW, OVER THE YEARS I'VE
DROPPED 300 POUNDS OF FAT? YES.
WELL, GUESS WHAT? I'VE
BEEN FRYING YOUR FOOD IN IT.
OH, WONDERFUL.
THAT'S GREAT. [Man] UGH! UGH!
♪♪ [Hip-Hop] ♪
FLY GIRL FLY GIRL ♪
♪ COME ON ♪
♪ COME ON ♪
♪ COME ON ♪
♪ COME ON ♪
♪ LET IT MOVE YOU ♪
♪ LET IT MOVE YOU ♪
♪ LET IT MOVE YOU ♪♪
♪♪ [Marching Band, Distant]
YOU LEFT YOUR TOP OPEN.
NOW GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE.
COME ON. MIME YOUR
ASS ON DOWN THE STREET.
[Honking Horn] OKAY.
GATHER 'ROUND, CHILDREN.
[All Cheering] [Chanting]
HOMEY! HOMEY! HOMEY!
A'IGHT, NOW.
Y'ALL WANT YOUR PICTURES
DRAWN, IT'LL BE ONE DOLLAR APIECE.
HOMEY, HOMEY, DRAW ME FIRST.
OH, YEAH. YOU WANT ME
TO DRAW YOU FIRST 'CAUSE
YOU SO CUTE AND SWEET
AND ADORABLE, HUH?
YES. TAKE OFF YOUR GLASSES.
I DON'T THINK SO.
I'LL DRAW YOU ALL
AT THE SAME TIME.
OKAY. OOH...
SORRY, HOMEY.
THERE YOU GO. THREE DOLLARS.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE, HOMEY.
I CAN'T TELL WHICH ONE'S ME.
EASY. YOU THE BIG, DUMB
ONE. NOW GIMME MY MONEY.
YOU SEE WHAT I'M TALKING
ABOUT? A BLACK CIRCUS CLOWN.
HE'D MAKE THE PERFECT SPOKESMAN FOR
OUR PRODUCT. LET'S MAKE HIM AN OFFER.
Y'ALL BETTER GET MY
DAMN MONEY. [Girl] OKAY.
WELL, WELL, WELL, IF IT AIN'T
BOBO AND MR. CHARLIE. [Chuckles]
[Men Laugh] [Homey]
HA, HA, HA, HA.
I HOPE YOU GOT YOUR PASSPORTS.
YOU BE IN HOMEY COUNTRY NOW.
HOMEY, MY COMPANY IS PRODUCING
A NEW SUGAR-COATED KIDS' CEREAL,
AND I WANT YOU TO BE
THE COMPANY SPOKESMAN.
OH, YEAH. RIGHT. YOU WANT ME TO
HELP YOU FURTHER OPPRESS MY PEOPLE...
BY GETTIN' THEM TO EAT STUFF THAT'LL MAKE
THEIR TEETH ROT AND FALL OUT THEIR MOUTH?
I DON'T THINK SO. DID I MENTION THE
JOB PAYS A MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR?
I DON'T THINK I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT.
HOMEY PLAYS THAT. [Cash Register Ringing]
WHERE DO HOMEY SIGN?
RIGHT THERE, HOMEY.
HOW DO YOU SPELL
"D. CLOWN"? [All Laughing]
HOMEY WHEATS. TAKE FIVE.
HI. I'M HOMEY THE
CLOWN. KIDS LOVE ME.
TELL ME, THOUGH, CHILDRENS,
WHY DO YOU LOVE HOMEY SO?
[Children, Together] BECAUSE
YOU'RE SO DUMB! [Homey Chuckles]
I MAY BE JUST A DUMB OL' CLOWN,
BUT I'M SMART ENOUGH TO LOVE
THE SUGARY TASTE OF HOMEY WHEATS.
NOW, IF I COULD JUST
GET MY HANDS ON SOME.
[Children Giggling]
[Chuckling] HEY! OUCH!
STUPID CLOWN. HOMEY
WHEATS ARE FOR KIDS.
OUTSMARTED AGAIN.
LOOKS LIKE I'LL BE DENIED THE HUNDRED
PERCENT SUGARY TASTE OF HOMEY WHEATS,
THE CEREAL THAT
GOES, "BOP, BOP, BOP."
NOT ME, CHILDRENS... THE CEREAL!
[All Laugh Loudly]
SO REMEMBER, LITTLE CHILDRENS,
DO WHAT THE MAN SAYS... GO OUT AND
BUY YOURSELF A BOX OF NEW HOMEY WHEATS,
THE ONLY CEREAL MADE FROM
COOKIES, MARSHMALLOWS, SUGAR CUBES...
AND OTHER NUTRITIONAL
PIECES OF CANDY.
NOW THIS IS A CEREAL
HOMEY CAN PLAY.
WELCOME TO CHEZ
WHITEY. THANK YOU, JULIO.
[Strains] ALWAYS HAVIN' TROUBLE
WITH THEM CLOWN SHOES.
HERE YOU GO. IT'S A DOLLAR.
DON'T SPEND IT ALL IN ONE PLACE.
[Laughs] WATCH THE CAR.
HOMEY! HOMESTER!
HOMESTER, COME ON IN. GOT YOUR FAVORITE
TABLE. OH, GREAT. BOBO AND MR. CHARLIE.
MY FRIENDS. WHERE YOU BEEN?
YOU'RE A HALF AN HOUR LATE.
YOU KNOW ME. I'M ON
C.P. TIME. [All Laugh Loudly]
HOMEY! HOMEY?
EVERYONE'S SAYING YOU SOLD
OUT TO THE ESTABLISHMENT.
SAY IT AIN'T SO,
HOMEY. OF COURSE NOT.
HERE, HERE. HERE'S YOUR
OLD SOCK. BOP ME ONE.
[Chanting] HOMEY! HOMEY!
OH, GREAT. MY OLD SOCK.
LOOK. I CAN GET, LIKE, A GOOD TAX
WRITE-OFF WITH THIS, COULDN'T I?
[Laughing] OH, NO!
NO, HOMEY. COME ON.
COME ON, HOMEY. DIS ME.
REMEMBER THIS? [Honks Horn]
COME ON. HERE. COME
ON. DIS ME, HOMEY.
COME ON, HOMEY. AH, NO,
NO. HEY, I DON'T THINK SO.
HOMEY DON'T PLAY
THAT FOR FREE ANYMORE.
HE GETS A HUNDRED
THOUSAND BUCKS TO BOP NOW,
AND I'M AFRAID YOU
JUST CAN'T AFFORD IT.
SO BEAT IT, KID. COME ON,
HOMEY. SORRY, CHARLIE.
CATCH ME NEXT TIME.
YOU GO AHEAD. [Chattering]
YOU'RE NOT HOMEY THE CLOWN.
YOU'RE HOMEY THE MAN.
[Sobbing] YOU'RE A SUCKER.
IT'S RAINING MEN ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH ♪♪ [Man] PUBLIC
ACCESS CHANNEL 68 AND A HALF...
PROUDLY PRESENTS MEN ON
TELEVISION. [Audience Cheering]
[Cheering Continues, Fades]
HELLO. I'M BLAYNE EDWARDS.
AND I'M ANTOINE MERRYWETHER.
[Both] AND WELCOME
TO MEN ON TELEVISION...
THE SHOW THAT LOOKS AT
TV... FROM A MALE POINT OF VIEW.
MM-HMM. WE'VE TAKEN A LOOK AT EXAMPLES
OF SHOWS FROM ALL FOUR NETWORKS.
FIRST THERE WAS NBC.
IT USED TO STAND FOR
"NOTHING BUT COSBY."
NOW, YOU KNOW, THEY HAVE THAT
NEW SHOW, THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR.
WELL, LISTEN. THERE'S NOTHIN'
FRESH ABOUT THIS PRINCE.
AND IT'S DEFINITELY NOT
THE PRINCE I WAS LOOKIN' FOR.
I WAS LOOKIN' FOR A PURPLE G-STRING
AND SOME HIGH HEELS. MM-HMM.
DITTO. [Chuckles] THEN
THERE WAS GOLDEN GIRLS.
[Both] HATED IT.
WOULD YOU TELL ME, WHO CARES ABOUT
THREE OLD, WHITE HEIFERS IN A HOUSE?
I DON'T. NEXT WE GO TO CBS.
THE FIRST SHOW WE TOOK A
LOOK AT WAS DESIGNING WOMEN.
[Both] HATED IT.
NOW, YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW
WHO DESIGNED THESE WOMEN,
BUT THEY NEED TO GO BACK
TO THE DRAWING BOARD.
THAT'S RIGHT. IF THAT
DELTA 747 GETS ANY BIGGER,
THEY GONNA HAVE TO
WIDEN THE RUNWAY, CHILD.
I GUESS THAT'S WHY
THEY CALL IT CBS...
[Both] 'CAUSE
THAT'S ALL YOU SEE:
B.S. OOH!
THEN WE HAVE MURDER SHE WROTE.
NOW THIS SHOW IS ALWAYS
ABOUT SOME OLD LADY
RUNNIN' AROUND TRYIN'
TO FIND OUT "WHODUNIT,"
WHEN IT'S OBVIOUS SHE
AIN'T DONE IT IN A LONG TIME.
OH, STOP.
THEN WE COME TO ABC, WHICH MUST
STAND FOR "ASS-BACKWARDS AND COUNTRY."
NOW, FIRST WE HAD
PERFECT STRANGERS. MM-HMM.
THIS IS THE STORY
ABOUT TWO MENS...
ONE A LITTLE GREEK
BOY... MM-HMM.
DISTANTLY RELATED, BUT THROWN
TOGETHER IN A BIG, EVIL CITY,
LIVIN' IN A CRAMPED APARTMENT,
SHARIN' THE SAME HOUSE
SHOES AND TOOTHPASTE.
I GOTTA SHIFT MY SEAT.
I TELL YOU, IF YOU ASKED
ME, I THINK THAT LITTLE BALKI...
WOULD BE MUCH HAPPIER BACK
HOME WITH ALL THEM SHEEP. OOH!
[Giggling] YOU SEE...
[Continues Giggling]
WHAT? I JUST THOUGHT
I HEARD A CHICKEN.
UM, NEXT WE COME TO ROSEANNE.
[Both] HATED IT.
NOW, THAT'S THE KIND OF WOMAN, MADE
ME SWITCH IN THE FIRST PLACE. MM-HMM.
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING. WHAT?
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.
DOESN'T ROSEANNE
REMIND YOU OF GERALD,
YOU KNOW, FROM LA CAGE?
MM-HMM. AND ISN'T HER HUSBAND
KIN TO THAT ARNOLD ON GREEN ACRES?
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU KNOW, IT SEEMS LIKE THEY DON'T
KNOW HOW TO MAKE GOOD TV ANYMORE.
I AGREE. THAT'S WHY
WE DECIDED TO REVIEW...
OUR FAVORITE SERIES
FROM THE PAST... MM-HMM.
THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN. MM.
LEE MAJORS REBUILT FROM
SCRATCH INTO A BIONIC HUNK O' MAN...
WITH A BUDGET OF $6 MILLION.
WELL, IF IT WAS MY MONEY, YOU CAN
GUESS WHERE 5,999,000 WOULD'VE WENT.
STOP.
THAT'S WHY WE'RE
GONNA GIVE THIS ONE...
THE ONE TIME ONLY
PATTY-CAKE SNAP.
[Both Snapping
Fingers] TELL A FRIEND.
THAT'S IT. TELL A FRIEND, CHILD.
[Yelping]
OH, MY LORD.
BLAYNE! BLAYNE!
BLAYNE! CALL A DOCTOR,
'CAUSE I THINK HE NEEDS
MOUTH-TO-MOUTH RESUSCITATION.
HEY, HEY, HEY, MAN. HEY!
MAN, WHAT YOU DOIN', MAN?
BLAYNE? BLAYNE, ARE YOU
OKAY? YEAH, I'M ALL RIGHT.
WHAT'S UP WITH YOU? WHAT'S... WHAT'S
THESE FUNNY CLOTHES ABOUT, MAN?
BLAYNE, YOUR HAT.
THIS AIN'T MY HAT, MAN. GET
THAT LITTLE THING OUTTA HERE.
YO, LET'S FINISH THIS SHOW,
TONY. WELL, I-I DON'T KNOW...
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, MAN?
BLAYNE, ARE YOU... YEAH, I'M ALL
RIGHT, MAN. WHAT'S UP WITH YOU?
LET'S FINISH THE SHOW.
FINISH THE SHOW. OKAY.
[Clears Throat] FINALLY,
WE COME TO THAT SLY
FOX OF A NETWORK...
AND THEIR SHOW
MARRIED WITH CHILDREN.
LOVED IT. HATED IT.
WHAT YOU TALKIN' ABOUT, "HATED IT,"
MAN? THAT GIRL IS FINE. THE BLONDE ONE?
WITH THE... THE BLONDE? LOOK
LIKE SHE HIDIN' TWO MIDGETS, MAN.
BLONDE? MIDGET? [Yelps]
♪♪ [Hip-Hop, Distant]
YAY! ALL RIGHT. THIS
IS... THIS IS MY OLDEST...
THIS IS MY OLDEST
BROTHER, DWAYNE.
MANY OF YOU'VE SEEN HIM...
YOU'VE SEEN HIM IN MANY SKETCHES.
BOO! WHAT'S YOUR
FAVORITE PART? THE GUARD.
UH, THE DEAD MAN.
HE'S THE DEAD MAN.
THAT'S RIGHT. HE'S THE DEAD MAN,
THE GUARD. THERE'S ALL THOSE...
ALL THOSE ROLES THAT YOU
FOLKS THINK ARE SO UNIMPORTANT.
THIS IS THE GUY WHO
VOLUNTEERS FOR THEM. [Others Cheer]
I JUST WANTED TO SAY...
I JUST WANTED TO SAY...
WE HAD A FUN YEAR,
AND, UH, WE HOPE
THAT YOU GUYS WILL
DEFINITELY HAVE A SAFE
AND PROSPEROUS SUMMER,
AND YOU'LL JOIN US NEXT SEASON ALONG
WITH THE RAINBOW COALITION BEHIND ME.
THESE ARE ALL THE PEOPLE...
THAT HELP TO MAKE
THE SHOW A SUCCESS.
REMEMBER: KEEP THE
LIVIN' COLOR ALIVE! [Cheering]
[Cheering Continues]
♪♪ [Continues, Louder]
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT
YOU WANNA DO ♪♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN' ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
♪ TAKE IT FROM ME IT'S A'IGHT
TO BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ AND HOW WOULD YOU FEEL
KNOWING PREJUDICE WAS OBSOLETE ♪
♪ AND ALL MANKIND
DANCED TO THE EXACT BEAT ♪
♪ AND AT NIGHT IT WAS SAFE TO WALK
DOWN THE STREET ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ EVERYBODY HERE
IS EQUALLY KIND ♪
♪ EVERYBODY HERE
IS EQUALLY KIND ♪
♪ EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY
EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY HERE IS EQUALLY
KIND ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ WHAT'S MINE IS YOURS
AND WHAT'S YOURS IS MINE ♪
♪ IN LIVING C-C-C-OLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN' ♪
♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
♪ TAKE IT FROM ME IT'S A'IGHT
TO BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪
[Audience Applauding, Cheering]
[Muffled Yelling]
SW1, KICK IT.
♪♪ [Resumes]
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪ ♪ YOU CAN WALK
ON THE MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
♪ TAKE IT FROM ME IT'S A'IGHT
TO BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪
NOW, LIL MAGIC, NOW, LISTEN TO ME.
DON'T YOU FORGET WHAT MAMA TOLD YOU.
YOU GOT TO GET THIS
PART 'CAUSE RENT IS DUE...
AND WE DONE CASHED IN OUR LAST
FOOD STAMP ON BUS FARE DOWN HERE.
DON'T WORRY, MAMA.
I'M GONNA GET THE JOB
THIS TIME. AND I'M GONNA
MAKE LOTS OF MONEY.
I'M GONNA BUY YOU GOLD CAPS
FOR YOUR TEETH... LIL MAGIC...
AND I'M GONNA GET ALUMINUM FOIL
FOR THE TV ANTENNA... LIL MAGIC...
AND I'M GONNA GET PEANUT'S CORRECTIVE
SHOE OUTTA THE PAWN SHOP... NOW, HUSH UP!
SORRY, MAMA. OH, THAT'S MY BABY.
OH. NOW, GIVE ME YOUR FOOT. YOU
DONE FORGOT YOUR TAP SHOES. OH, OH, OH.
NOW, HOLD STILL.
OUCH! OH, HUSH UP.
THESE SHOES WAS GOOD ENOUGH FOR LASHAWN
AND POOKIE. THEY'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.
BESIDES, THEM SOLES ONLY GOT
BUT A FEW HOLES IN 'EM. OOOUCH!
BE QUIET. NOW, PUT THAT
TOE BACK IN. YES, MAMA.
UM, FEMALE, "PAJAMA JOHNSON"? NO. THAT'S
FUHMAHLAY PAJUHMAY. THAT'S "ACRIFAN."
BUT MY FRIENDS CALL
ME "LIL MAGIC." SEE?
WHAT IS THAT? YOU
HAVE A RÉSUMÉ? A WHAT?
A RÉSUMÉ. YOU KNOW, CREDIT.
OH, CREDIT. I KEEP ME SOME CREDIT.
I GOT ME A LERON'S HAIR
WEAVE EMPORIUM CARD.
AND YOU KNOW MR. KWON
LEE, DOWN AT THE CORNER
STORE? HE GIVE ME
CREDIT WHENEVER I NEED IT.
I MEAN, WHAT HAS SHE DONE?
WHAT SHOWS HAS SHE STARRED IN?
WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY THAT IN THE FIRST
PLACE? LIL MAGIC HAD THE LEAD ROLE...
IN THE FULTON PROJECT
COMMUNITY CENTER
PRODUCTION OF PLEASE,
MAMA, DON'T USE CRACK.
AND I'M RIGHT ON MAGAZINE'S
MISS SMILE-BRITE 1987. SEE?
MY BABY'S GONNA GET THIS JOB.
I'M SORRY, MA'AM. WE'RE LOOKING
FOR PROFESSIONAL ACTORS ONLY.
YOU GONNA BE LOOKIN' FOR A DOCTOR
IF YOU DON'T GET THE HELL OUT MY WAY.
YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE.
[Man] HEY. HEY.
WHAT... WHAT'S THIS?
THIS HERE IS LIL MAGIC.
SHE ONLY THE MOST
BEAUTIFIC, WONDALICIOUS
GIRL IN THE WHOLE GALAXY.
PLUS I'M RIGHT ON MAGAZINE'S
MISS SMILE-BRITE 1987. SEE?
UH, WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO SEE
PEOPLE RIGHT NOW. OH, HUSH UP, HONEY.
SHOW THE DIRECTOR
A LIL' MAGIC. GET IT?
MAMA, MAMA, MY BATON!
OH! HERE YOU GO, HONEY.
[Director] OKAY, LET'S
SEE YA. ♪♪ [Piano Intro]
♪ A-A-AND ♪
[Marching Heavily]
♪ I AM TELLING YOU I'M NOT
GOING ♪ AH, YOU DOIN' IT, HONEY!
- SHUFFLE OFF TO BUFFALO!
- ♪ YOU'RE THE BEST MAN
I'LL EVER KNOW ♪♪
[Director] OKAY. THANK YOU,
MAGIC. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. OW!
PLAY THE DRUMS, HONEY. GET ON THE
GOOD FOOT. WE DON'T HAVE TO SEE ANY MORE.
[Mama] THIS IS FUNKY
HERE. ♪♪ [Rock Drum Fill]
WE REALLY SHOULD MOVE ON. ♪♪
[Whistles] LIL MAGIC, PLAY THE HORN!
[Director] WE'VE GOTTA
MOVE ON. ♪♪ [Fast]
LIL MAGIC, DO THE NUNCHUKS,
HONEY, THE NUNCHUKS!
[Director] I CAN'T BELIEVE...
[Mama] HAI KARATE!
YOU JUST LIKE BRUCE
LEE. [Imitating Martial Arts Yells]
SEE? OH, LIL MAGIC, SWALLOW
THE BATON. THIS IS THE BIG FINISH.
THERE YOU GO. MY LITTLE DARLING.
THAT'S IT. GET THEM OUTTA
HERE. OUT. GET THEM OUT!
YOU BETTER GET YOUR HANDS
OFF MY LITTLE GIRL. [Crash]
MAMA, MAMA, I GOT
THE JOB. I KNOW I GOT IT!
AND THE PRODUCER'S GONNA
FLY ME TO HOLLYWOOD...
UH, LIL MAGIC... ON A BIG
PLANE THAT SAYS, "LIL MAGIC."
UH, LIL MAGIC... WHEN I GET THERE,
EVERYBODY BE GATHERED AROUND THE AIRPORT,
AND THEY'LL SAY, "LIL
MAGIC..." OH, HUSH UP!
SORRY, MAMA. OH, THAT'S MY BABY.
MAMA, CAN I TAKE MY TAP
SHOES OFF? MY FEET HURT. NO!
WE GOT TWO MORE AUDITIONS CROSSTOWN, AND
YOU NEVER KNOW WHO MAY BE ON THAT CITY BUS.
NOW, YOU GOT YOUR
TRANSFER? YES, MAMA.
COME ON. LET'S GO.
I'VE HEARD THE FOOD
HERE IS QUITE EXCELLENT.
WELL, IF ANYBODY KNOWS
ABOUT FOOD, IT'S OPRAH.
HELLO-O-O! OH!
HI. WELCOME.
THANK YOU. I SEE YOU HAVE A
BOTTLE OF MY BEST CHAMPAGNE.
YOU MUST BE CELEBRATING
SOMETHING SPECIAL TONIGHT.
WELL, WE SURE ARE. WE'VE
JUST BECOME ENGAGED.
OOH, GIRLFRIEND.
ENGAGED? YES. [Laughs]
OOH. SO, YOU SET A DATE?
WELL, NO, NOT YET, BUT...
BUT SOMETIME SOON. RIGHT.
MM-HMM. GIRLFRIEND, LET OPRAH SCHOOL
YOU. THAT IS THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK.
REALLY? HONEY, A
MAN WILL USE YOU UP.
HE WILL LAY UP IN YOUR
HOUSE, SPEND UP YOUR MONEY.
HE'LL LIVE IN YOUR CONDO,
AND YOU WILL NEVER,
EVER SEE THAT GOLD
BAND ON YOUR FINGER.
BUT WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
IT'S JUST A COUPLE OF YEARS UNTIL
I FINISH SCHOOL. MM-HMM. MM-HMM.
TILL HE FINISHES
SCHOOL. OH, GIRL.
OH, GIRL, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE IN
FOR? I'VE BEEN DOWN THIS ROAD, HONEY.
[Sobs] SO MANY THINGS
HAPPEN IN TWO YEARS:
YOU GET STRETCH
MARKS, YOU GET WRINKLES.
GIRL, HE AIN'T GONNA WANT
YOU IN TWO YEARS. [Sobbing]
UM, NO, IT'S NOT... HOW
COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?
HEY, LISTEN... MEN WHO FEAR
COMMITMENT. TONIGHT AT OPRAH'S.
I HATE YOU. YOU
WANT TO SAY WHAT?
UH, NOTHING. I WAS JUST
GOING TO THE LADIES' ROOM.
OH? AND LEAVING THESE TWO ADORABLE CHILDREN
BY THEMSELVES? NO, I'M COMING RIGHT BACK.
WOMEN WHO ABANDON THEIR
CHILDREN. TONIGHT AT OPRAH'S.
MM-HMM. MM-HMM. MM-HMM. YOU
WANT TO SAY WHAT? MM-HMM. GET UP.
WHY DID SHE HAVE KIDS IF SHE'S
GONNA ABANDON THEM? [Patrons Applaud]
MM-HMM. OH, YOU HAVE A POINT?
UM, WELL... MAKE YOUR
POINT. MAKE YOUR POINT.
I-I-I JUST WANTED SOME
BUTTER FOR... THE BREAD.
THIS BREAD... GET THE GIRL SOME
BUTTER OVER HERE. THIS BREAD IS BLAND.
- MM-HMM. YOU SAY WHAT?
- TAKE HER KIDS AWAY FROM HER!
SHAME ON YOU. SOMEBODY
COME GET THESE KIDS.
THIS IS RIDICULOUS. NOBODY'S
TAKING MY KIDS AWAY FROM ME.
THESE ARE MY BABIES.
AIN'T NOBODY TAKIN' MY...
WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT?
WHO ARE YOU? WHAT? WHAT?
LISTEN! HEY, WAIT
A MINUTE. LET GO.
YO, MOM! MAMA!
MAMA! [Protesting]
[Man] DAMN RIGHT. WOMEN
TORN FROM THEIR CHILDREN.
TOMORROW NIGHT'S DINNER
CONVERSATION AT OPRAH'S.
I GUESS I'LL JUST
HAVE THE SALAD. GOOD.
WELL, YOU KNOW, THAT SOUNDS REAL GOOD.
I'M GONNA HAVE JUST WHAT SHE'S HAVING.
MEN WHO WANT TO BE
WOMEN. TONIGHT AT OPRAH'S.
WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A
MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.
I'M PERFECTLY HAPPY. YEAH.
MM-HMM. YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY?
YOU SAY IT. STAND UP. YES,
OPRAH. MY NAME IS CINDY,
BUT JUST A FEW SHORT YEARS
AGO, I WAS A MAN NAMED HANK.
- I THINK I UNDERSTAND
SOME OF YOUR PAIN, SIR.
- WAIT A MINUTE. PLEASE. STOP!
GET RID OF THE
PAIN. YOU SAY WHAT?
GET RID OF THE SECRETS.
MM-HMM. MM-HMM.
WE LOVE YOU JUST THE
WAY YOU... [Burping] ARE.
[Oprah] THANK YOU FOR
THAT. OPRAH? I'M FREE.
I'VE DECIDED TO HAVE A SEX
CHANGE OPERATION TOMORROW.
FROM HERE ON OUT I'LL BE KNOWN
AS "TANIQUA." [Patrons Applaud]
OPRAH?
I'M MY OWN FATHER. YES!
OVER HERE, OPRAH. OPRAH?
I KNOW THIS ISN'T ANYTHING
GREAT, BUT MY FEET STINK. [Applause]
YES.
I CHANNEL MOMS
MABLEY. MAKE YOUR POINT.
AND CHILD, THESE FRENCH FRIES
ARE TERRIFIC. WHAT IS YOUR SECRET?
WELL, THANK YOU ALL. NOW I HAVE
A CONFESSION THAT I HAVE TO MAKE.
YOU KNOW, OVER THE YEARS I'VE
DROPPED 300 POUNDS OF FAT? YES.
WELL, GUESS WHAT? I'VE
BEEN FRYING YOUR FOOD IN IT.
OH, WONDERFUL.
THAT'S GREAT. [Man] UGH! UGH!
♪♪ [Hip-Hop] ♪
FLY GIRL FLY GIRL ♪
♪ COME ON ♪
♪ COME ON ♪
♪ COME ON ♪
♪ COME ON ♪
♪ LET IT MOVE YOU ♪
♪ LET IT MOVE YOU ♪
♪ LET IT MOVE YOU ♪♪
♪♪ [Marching Band, Distant]
YOU LEFT YOUR TOP OPEN.
NOW GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE.
COME ON. MIME YOUR
ASS ON DOWN THE STREET.
[Honking Horn] OKAY.
GATHER 'ROUND, CHILDREN.
[All Cheering] [Chanting]
HOMEY! HOMEY! HOMEY!
A'IGHT, NOW.
Y'ALL WANT YOUR PICTURES
DRAWN, IT'LL BE ONE DOLLAR APIECE.
HOMEY, HOMEY, DRAW ME FIRST.
OH, YEAH. YOU WANT ME
TO DRAW YOU FIRST 'CAUSE
YOU SO CUTE AND SWEET
AND ADORABLE, HUH?
YES. TAKE OFF YOUR GLASSES.
I DON'T THINK SO.
I'LL DRAW YOU ALL
AT THE SAME TIME.
OKAY. OOH...
SORRY, HOMEY.
THERE YOU GO. THREE DOLLARS.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE, HOMEY.
I CAN'T TELL WHICH ONE'S ME.
EASY. YOU THE BIG, DUMB
ONE. NOW GIMME MY MONEY.
YOU SEE WHAT I'M TALKING
ABOUT? A BLACK CIRCUS CLOWN.
HE'D MAKE THE PERFECT SPOKESMAN FOR
OUR PRODUCT. LET'S MAKE HIM AN OFFER.
Y'ALL BETTER GET MY
DAMN MONEY. [Girl] OKAY.
WELL, WELL, WELL, IF IT AIN'T
BOBO AND MR. CHARLIE. [Chuckles]
[Men Laugh] [Homey]
HA, HA, HA, HA.
I HOPE YOU GOT YOUR PASSPORTS.
YOU BE IN HOMEY COUNTRY NOW.
HOMEY, MY COMPANY IS PRODUCING
A NEW SUGAR-COATED KIDS' CEREAL,
AND I WANT YOU TO BE
THE COMPANY SPOKESMAN.
OH, YEAH. RIGHT. YOU WANT ME TO
HELP YOU FURTHER OPPRESS MY PEOPLE...
BY GETTIN' THEM TO EAT STUFF THAT'LL MAKE
THEIR TEETH ROT AND FALL OUT THEIR MOUTH?
I DON'T THINK SO. DID I MENTION THE
JOB PAYS A MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR?
I DON'T THINK I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT.
HOMEY PLAYS THAT. [Cash Register Ringing]
WHERE DO HOMEY SIGN?
RIGHT THERE, HOMEY.
HOW DO YOU SPELL
"D. CLOWN"? [All Laughing]
HOMEY WHEATS. TAKE FIVE.
HI. I'M HOMEY THE
CLOWN. KIDS LOVE ME.
TELL ME, THOUGH, CHILDRENS,
WHY DO YOU LOVE HOMEY SO?
[Children, Together] BECAUSE
YOU'RE SO DUMB! [Homey Chuckles]
I MAY BE JUST A DUMB OL' CLOWN,
BUT I'M SMART ENOUGH TO LOVE
THE SUGARY TASTE OF HOMEY WHEATS.
NOW, IF I COULD JUST
GET MY HANDS ON SOME.
[Children Giggling]
[Chuckling] HEY! OUCH!
STUPID CLOWN. HOMEY
WHEATS ARE FOR KIDS.
OUTSMARTED AGAIN.
LOOKS LIKE I'LL BE DENIED THE HUNDRED
PERCENT SUGARY TASTE OF HOMEY WHEATS,
THE CEREAL THAT
GOES, "BOP, BOP, BOP."
NOT ME, CHILDRENS... THE CEREAL!
[All Laugh Loudly]
SO REMEMBER, LITTLE CHILDRENS,
DO WHAT THE MAN SAYS... GO OUT AND
BUY YOURSELF A BOX OF NEW HOMEY WHEATS,
THE ONLY CEREAL MADE FROM
COOKIES, MARSHMALLOWS, SUGAR CUBES...
AND OTHER NUTRITIONAL
PIECES OF CANDY.
NOW THIS IS A CEREAL
HOMEY CAN PLAY.
WELCOME TO CHEZ
WHITEY. THANK YOU, JULIO.
[Strains] ALWAYS HAVIN' TROUBLE
WITH THEM CLOWN SHOES.
HERE YOU GO. IT'S A DOLLAR.
DON'T SPEND IT ALL IN ONE PLACE.
[Laughs] WATCH THE CAR.
HOMEY! HOMESTER!
HOMESTER, COME ON IN. GOT YOUR FAVORITE
TABLE. OH, GREAT. BOBO AND MR. CHARLIE.
MY FRIENDS. WHERE YOU BEEN?
YOU'RE A HALF AN HOUR LATE.
YOU KNOW ME. I'M ON
C.P. TIME. [All Laugh Loudly]
HOMEY! HOMEY?
EVERYONE'S SAYING YOU SOLD
OUT TO THE ESTABLISHMENT.
SAY IT AIN'T SO,
HOMEY. OF COURSE NOT.
HERE, HERE. HERE'S YOUR
OLD SOCK. BOP ME ONE.
[Chanting] HOMEY! HOMEY!
OH, GREAT. MY OLD SOCK.
LOOK. I CAN GET, LIKE, A GOOD TAX
WRITE-OFF WITH THIS, COULDN'T I?
[Laughing] OH, NO!
NO, HOMEY. COME ON.
COME ON, HOMEY. DIS ME.
REMEMBER THIS? [Honks Horn]
COME ON. HERE. COME
ON. DIS ME, HOMEY.
COME ON, HOMEY. AH, NO,
NO. HEY, I DON'T THINK SO.
HOMEY DON'T PLAY
THAT FOR FREE ANYMORE.
HE GETS A HUNDRED
THOUSAND BUCKS TO BOP NOW,
AND I'M AFRAID YOU
JUST CAN'T AFFORD IT.
SO BEAT IT, KID. COME ON,
HOMEY. SORRY, CHARLIE.
CATCH ME NEXT TIME.
YOU GO AHEAD. [Chattering]
YOU'RE NOT HOMEY THE CLOWN.
YOU'RE HOMEY THE MAN.
[Sobbing] YOU'RE A SUCKER.
IT'S RAINING MEN ♪
♪ HALLELUJAH ♪♪ [Man] PUBLIC
ACCESS CHANNEL 68 AND A HALF...
PROUDLY PRESENTS MEN ON
TELEVISION. [Audience Cheering]
[Cheering Continues, Fades]
HELLO. I'M BLAYNE EDWARDS.
AND I'M ANTOINE MERRYWETHER.
[Both] AND WELCOME
TO MEN ON TELEVISION...
THE SHOW THAT LOOKS AT
TV... FROM A MALE POINT OF VIEW.
MM-HMM. WE'VE TAKEN A LOOK AT EXAMPLES
OF SHOWS FROM ALL FOUR NETWORKS.
FIRST THERE WAS NBC.
IT USED TO STAND FOR
"NOTHING BUT COSBY."
NOW, YOU KNOW, THEY HAVE THAT
NEW SHOW, THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR.
WELL, LISTEN. THERE'S NOTHIN'
FRESH ABOUT THIS PRINCE.
AND IT'S DEFINITELY NOT
THE PRINCE I WAS LOOKIN' FOR.
I WAS LOOKIN' FOR A PURPLE G-STRING
AND SOME HIGH HEELS. MM-HMM.
DITTO. [Chuckles] THEN
THERE WAS GOLDEN GIRLS.
[Both] HATED IT.
WOULD YOU TELL ME, WHO CARES ABOUT
THREE OLD, WHITE HEIFERS IN A HOUSE?
I DON'T. NEXT WE GO TO CBS.
THE FIRST SHOW WE TOOK A
LOOK AT WAS DESIGNING WOMEN.
[Both] HATED IT.
NOW, YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW
WHO DESIGNED THESE WOMEN,
BUT THEY NEED TO GO BACK
TO THE DRAWING BOARD.
THAT'S RIGHT. IF THAT
DELTA 747 GETS ANY BIGGER,
THEY GONNA HAVE TO
WIDEN THE RUNWAY, CHILD.
I GUESS THAT'S WHY
THEY CALL IT CBS...
[Both] 'CAUSE
THAT'S ALL YOU SEE:
B.S. OOH!
THEN WE HAVE MURDER SHE WROTE.
NOW THIS SHOW IS ALWAYS
ABOUT SOME OLD LADY
RUNNIN' AROUND TRYIN'
TO FIND OUT "WHODUNIT,"
WHEN IT'S OBVIOUS SHE
AIN'T DONE IT IN A LONG TIME.
OH, STOP.
THEN WE COME TO ABC, WHICH MUST
STAND FOR "ASS-BACKWARDS AND COUNTRY."
NOW, FIRST WE HAD
PERFECT STRANGERS. MM-HMM.
THIS IS THE STORY
ABOUT TWO MENS...
ONE A LITTLE GREEK
BOY... MM-HMM.
DISTANTLY RELATED, BUT THROWN
TOGETHER IN A BIG, EVIL CITY,
LIVIN' IN A CRAMPED APARTMENT,
SHARIN' THE SAME HOUSE
SHOES AND TOOTHPASTE.
I GOTTA SHIFT MY SEAT.
I TELL YOU, IF YOU ASKED
ME, I THINK THAT LITTLE BALKI...
WOULD BE MUCH HAPPIER BACK
HOME WITH ALL THEM SHEEP. OOH!
[Giggling] YOU SEE...
[Continues Giggling]
WHAT? I JUST THOUGHT
I HEARD A CHICKEN.
UM, NEXT WE COME TO ROSEANNE.
[Both] HATED IT.
NOW, THAT'S THE KIND OF WOMAN, MADE
ME SWITCH IN THE FIRST PLACE. MM-HMM.
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING. WHAT?
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.
DOESN'T ROSEANNE
REMIND YOU OF GERALD,
YOU KNOW, FROM LA CAGE?
MM-HMM. AND ISN'T HER HUSBAND
KIN TO THAT ARNOLD ON GREEN ACRES?
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU KNOW, IT SEEMS LIKE THEY DON'T
KNOW HOW TO MAKE GOOD TV ANYMORE.
I AGREE. THAT'S WHY
WE DECIDED TO REVIEW...
OUR FAVORITE SERIES
FROM THE PAST... MM-HMM.
THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN. MM.
LEE MAJORS REBUILT FROM
SCRATCH INTO A BIONIC HUNK O' MAN...
WITH A BUDGET OF $6 MILLION.
WELL, IF IT WAS MY MONEY, YOU CAN
GUESS WHERE 5,999,000 WOULD'VE WENT.
STOP.
THAT'S WHY WE'RE
GONNA GIVE THIS ONE...
THE ONE TIME ONLY
PATTY-CAKE SNAP.
[Both Snapping
Fingers] TELL A FRIEND.
THAT'S IT. TELL A FRIEND, CHILD.
[Yelping]
OH, MY LORD.
BLAYNE! BLAYNE!
BLAYNE! CALL A DOCTOR,
'CAUSE I THINK HE NEEDS
MOUTH-TO-MOUTH RESUSCITATION.
HEY, HEY, HEY, MAN. HEY!
MAN, WHAT YOU DOIN', MAN?
BLAYNE? BLAYNE, ARE YOU
OKAY? YEAH, I'M ALL RIGHT.
WHAT'S UP WITH YOU? WHAT'S... WHAT'S
THESE FUNNY CLOTHES ABOUT, MAN?
BLAYNE, YOUR HAT.
THIS AIN'T MY HAT, MAN. GET
THAT LITTLE THING OUTTA HERE.
YO, LET'S FINISH THIS SHOW,
TONY. WELL, I-I DON'T KNOW...
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, MAN?
BLAYNE, ARE YOU... YEAH, I'M ALL
RIGHT, MAN. WHAT'S UP WITH YOU?
LET'S FINISH THE SHOW.
FINISH THE SHOW. OKAY.
[Clears Throat] FINALLY,
WE COME TO THAT SLY
FOX OF A NETWORK...
AND THEIR SHOW
MARRIED WITH CHILDREN.
LOVED IT. HATED IT.
WHAT YOU TALKIN' ABOUT, "HATED IT,"
MAN? THAT GIRL IS FINE. THE BLONDE ONE?
WITH THE... THE BLONDE? LOOK
LIKE SHE HIDIN' TWO MIDGETS, MAN.
BLONDE? MIDGET? [Yelps]
♪♪ [Hip-Hop, Distant]
YAY! ALL RIGHT. THIS
IS... THIS IS MY OLDEST...
THIS IS MY OLDEST
BROTHER, DWAYNE.
MANY OF YOU'VE SEEN HIM...
YOU'VE SEEN HIM IN MANY SKETCHES.
BOO! WHAT'S YOUR
FAVORITE PART? THE GUARD.
UH, THE DEAD MAN.
HE'S THE DEAD MAN.
THAT'S RIGHT. HE'S THE DEAD MAN,
THE GUARD. THERE'S ALL THOSE...
ALL THOSE ROLES THAT YOU
FOLKS THINK ARE SO UNIMPORTANT.
THIS IS THE GUY WHO
VOLUNTEERS FOR THEM. [Others Cheer]
I JUST WANTED TO SAY...
I JUST WANTED TO SAY...
WE HAD A FUN YEAR,
AND, UH, WE HOPE
THAT YOU GUYS WILL
DEFINITELY HAVE A SAFE
AND PROSPEROUS SUMMER,
AND YOU'LL JOIN US NEXT SEASON ALONG
WITH THE RAINBOW COALITION BEHIND ME.
THESE ARE ALL THE PEOPLE...
THAT HELP TO MAKE
THE SHOW A SUCCESS.
REMEMBER: KEEP THE
LIVIN' COLOR ALIVE! [Cheering]
[Cheering Continues]
♪♪ [Continues, Louder]
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT
YOU WANNA DO ♪♪