In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 2, Episode 17 - PCN's Win, Lose or Draw - full transcript
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN' ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
♪ TAKE IT FROM ME IT'S A'IGHT
TO BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ AND HOW WOULD YOU FEEL
KNOWING PREJUDICE WAS OBSOLETE ♪
♪ AND ALL MANKIND
DANCED TO THE EXACT BEAT ♪
♪ AND AT NIGHT IT WAS SAFE TO WALK
DOWN THE STREET ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ EVERYBODY HERE
IS EQUALLY KIND ♪
♪ EVERYBODY HERE
IS EQUALLY KIND ♪
♪ EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY
EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY HERE IS EQUALLY
KIND ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ WHAT'S MINE IS YOURS
AND WHAT'S YOURS IS MINE ♪
♪ IN LIVING C-C-C-OLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN' ♪
♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
♪ TAKE IT FROM ME IT'S A'IGHT
TO BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪
[Audience Applauding, Cheering]
♪♪ [Rock]
THE PRISON CABLE NETWORK
PROUDLY PRESENTS...
WIN, LOSE OR DRAW...
WITH YOUR HOST,
680031, ANGEL MARTINEZ!
[Music Ends] AY, AY, AY, AY!
ALL RIGHT! AY! GRACIAS,
WARDEN THOMAS.
TONIGHT'S A VERY SPECIAL
NIGHT FOR US BECAUSE...
I'M GOING TO GIVE
YOU HINT. ¡MUCHACHAS!
[Howling, Whistling]
THE WOMEN...
OF THE CLEVELAND HIGHLANDS CORRECTIONAL
FACILITY ARE HERE TO PLAY OUR GAME WITH US.
SO, FIRST, LET'S MEET
THE LADIES. [Men Howling]
FIRST UP, THERE'S BLAZE.
[Cheering, Applause]
THAT'S ONE HOT MAMA.
NEXT IS LOBOTOMY.
SHE SPENDS HER FREE TIME
VOLUNTEERING FOR MEDICAL EXPERIMENTS.
AND LAST, BUT NOT LEAST, BUSTER.
[Cheering, Applause]
YOU MIGHT KNOW HER LAST HUSBAND.
HE SINGS SOPRANO FOR THE PRISON CHOIR.
NOTHING WRONG WITH
THAT, MAN! [Laughing]
NOW, ARE YOU READY TO
MEET OUR REIGNING CHAMPIONS?
EVEN THOUGH YOU MIGHT KNOW
THEM, I'LL DO IT AGAIN, OKAY?
FIRST UP, CHARLIE.
[Cheering, Applause]
NEXT, TINY. HA HA HA...
TINY! RIGHT!
AND OF COURSE, BIG HECTOR.
[Charlie] GROOVY, HECTOR!
OH, AND OF COURSE, NEXT TO
BIG HECTOR, LIKE ALWAYS, CHICKEN.
[Charlie Clucking]
[Cheering, Applause] NOW
LET'S PLAY THE GAME.
WE'LL START WITH THE LADIES,
OKAY? HEY, BLAZE, COME ON.
GO ON, BLAZE! GO
ON. WHOO! HEY, BLAZE,
WHY DON'T YOU TELL US A LITTLE
BIT OF SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF?
WELL, ANGEL, I
COLLECT MATCHBOOKS,
I LOVE TO BARBECUE...
AND MY IDEA OF A
ROMANTIC EVENING...
IS TO CURL UP IN FRONT
OF A BLAZING BUILDING.
AY YI YI YI YI!
HUH? IS IT JUST ME OR AM I
GETTING REALLY, REALLY HOT? [Laughs]
SOUNDS GREAT. OKAY,
LET'S BEGIN, OKAY?
OUR FIRST CLUE
WILL BE AN EMOTION.
RAGE! A-ANGER!
[Angel] NO, NO, NO, NO.
NO, NO! BLOODLUST!
BLOODLUST! NO, I THINK MORE
OF... IT'S A HAPPY EMOTION, OKAY?
TOTAL NUMBNESS.
I HAVE TO HAVE YOU,
BUSTER! I WANT YOU!
- VASECTOMY!
- NEVER MIND.
UH, RUPTURE? RUPTURE!
A HERNIA! A RUPTURED HERNIA!
NO, NO, NO. IT'S A HAPPY
EMOTION. ANYONE?
TAKE THE BLUE PILLS? [Buzzer]
TIME'S UP. GUYS, CAN
YOU STEAL THIS ONE?
[Chattering] IS IT...
THE SATISFACTION OF
STABBING A GUARD 57 TIMES?
[Bell Dinging] THAT'S IT, MAN!
[Men Howling] [Chattering]
STABBING A GUARD 57 TIMES!
I SHOULD HAVE GOT THAT ONE!
NOW, CHARLIE, COME
UP, MAN. ALL RIGHT, MAN.
HEY, CHARLIE, HAVE YOU
DONE A LOT OF DRAWING?
NOT REALLY, MAN. I'VE DONE
A LOT OF SCULPTURE, THOUGH.
MOSTLY, I LIKE TO
CARVE HUMAN FIGURES.
[Cackling] AY YI YI YI YI.
OH. OKAY, CHARLIE,
LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE
BIT ABOUT THIS PUZZLE, OKAY?
WAIT A SECOND!
IS IT A PLACE? YES. HOW-
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
I'M RIGHT INSIDE
YOUR HEAD. [Giggles]
OH! OH, I GOT THIS ONE.
UH, IS IT A... A... A WOMAN?
NO. A BUXOM WOMAN.
NO. A BUXOM WOMAN
WITH BIG BREASTESSES?
I SAID A PLACE, MAN!
A WOMAN WITH REALLY, REALLY
BIG BREASTESSES IN A PLACE? [Buzzer]
UH, NO, NO. LADIES, CAN
YOU STEAL THIS ONE?
THE CONTINENTAL UNITED STATES?
THAT'S IT, MAN! THE CONTINENTAL
UNITED STATES. [Bell Dinging]
YOU GUYS SHOULD HAVE GOT THAT ONE,
MAN. YOU GUYS WEREN'T EVEN THINKING, MAN.
I THINK IF YOU LOOK AGAIN,
IT'S REALLY A WOMAN WITH
TWO BIG BREASTS IN A PLACE.
OH, YES, YES. AS A MATTER OF FACT,
HE'S RIGHT. SHE'S RIGHT IN FLORIDA.
I DIDN'T SEE HER. BIG
HECTOR'S TEAM WINS AGAIN.
I'M VERY SORRY. [Bell Dinging]
[Cheering] [Grumbling]
THAT'S BULL CRAP!
[Shouting, Indistinct]
I WANT YOU, BUSTER! I
GOT TO HAVE YOU, BABY!
I GOTTA... PUT YOUR
HEAD BETWEEN YOUR LEGS.
I WANT YOU LOBOTOMY! I GOT
TO HAVE YOU! [Laughing Maniacally]
I WANT YOU! JUST BREATHE.
JUST BREATHE, MAN!
JUST BREATHE.
OKAY. NOW WHAT THIS MEANS
IS IS THAT BIG HECTOR'S TEAM...
ADVANCES TO THE
SPEED ROUND, OKAY?
ALL RIGHT. NOW, THEY'LL HAVE 30
SECONDS TO NAME HECTOR'S FOUR PICTURES.
OKAY. COME ON, BIG HECTOR!
COME UP HERE. COME ON.
COME ON, GUYS! YEAH!
[Charlie] LET'S ESTABLISH
A PSYCHIC LINK!
VEHICULAR HOMICIDE? [Bell Dings]
YEAH!
THE DOG THAT TOLD
ME TO SHOOT RICK DEES!
[Bell Dinging] [Tiny] YEAH!
OH! I KNOW THIS. OH. OH, UH, A
WOMAN WITH BIG BREASTESSES...
UH, ON GOLDEN POND!
[Bell Dings] [Tiny] YEAH!
UH, I GOT THIS. UH, BIRDS FLYING OVER A
WOMAN WITH... WITH BIG BREASTESSES?
[Bell Dings] YEAH! YEAH!
[Cheering, Applause]
[Shouting, Indistinct]
OFF OF YOU!
ALL RIGHT! THAT MEANS YOUR TEAM
HAS GUESSED ALL FOUR OF THEM.
WARDEN THOMAS, CAN YOU TELL THEM
WHAT BEAUTIFUL GIFTS THEY HAVE WON?
♪♪ [Rock] [Warden]
WELL, BIG HECTOR'S TEAM,
YOU'VE EACH WON AN ELEGANT PERSONAL
GROOMING KIT FROM THE PRISON SUPPLY HOUSE.
AND FOR THE PRISONER
WHO HAS EVERYTHING,
BUT DOESN'T WANT TO
GIVE IT UP... SOAP ON A ROPE.
ALL RIGHT! WELL, THAT'S IT.
I HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT.
THAT'S IT FOR WIN, LOSE OR DRAW.
UNTIL TOMORROW,
THIS IS ANGEL SAYING,
"KEEP DRAWING, EVEN IF IT'S ONLY SCRATCH
MARKS ON THE INSIDE OF YOUR CELL WALL."
♪♪ [Rock Continues]
I KNOW WHY YOU'RE IGNORING ME.
IT'S BECAUSE I'M JUST
LITTLE MARSHA WARFIELD.
BUT YOU SEE, TODD,
I'M DRINKING MILK.
AND WHEN YOU DRINK MILK,
IT HELPS TO BUILD YOUR BONES
AND MAKE YOUR BODY STRONGER.
THAT WAY I WON'T ALWAYS
BE LITTLE MARSHA WARFIELD.
IN FACT, IF I KEEP
DRINKING MILK,
ONE DAY, I'M GOING TO
BE BIG MARSHA WARFIELD.
YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT
I'M SAYING, SUCKER?
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I THINK WHEN I AM,
I'M JUST GONNA KICK THE
LIVIN' CRAP OUT OF YOU.
COME OVER HERE.
WHERE YOU GET OFF...
IGNORING ME ALL THESE YEARS,
HUH, YOU LITTLE PUNK?
DON'T YOU KNOW HOW SEXY I AM?
[Announcer] MILK... IT
DOES A BODY REAL GOOD.
AND SO THE PROGRESS
UP TO THIS POINT...
HAS BEEN ABOUT
WHAT WE EXPECTED...
AND WE EXPECT THIS PROGRESSION TO
PROGRESS THE WAY WE EXPECT IT TO...
AT LEAST, THAT IS, OUR EXPECTATION AS
TO THIS POINT IN THE OVERALL PROGRESS.
- ARE THERE ANY MORE QUESTIONS?
- WE HAVE HEARD RUMORS
OF MASSIVE TROOP MOVEMENTS.
CAN YOU TELL US
ANYTHING ABOUT THAT?
I CAN NEITHER CONFIRM
NOR DENY THAT. NEXT?
WHY DO YOU STILL
CONSIDER MEN MISSING...
WHEN WE'VE ALL SEEN THEM
AS PRISONERS OF WAR ON TV?
I BELIEVE I DIDN'T ANSWER THAT
QUESTION AT YESTERDAY'S BRIEFING.
- IS THE GULF STILL BEING MINED?
- ADMIRAL KEATING?
COULD YOU REPEAT
THE QUESTION, PLEASE?
- IS THE GULF STILL BEING MINED?
- COULD YOU REPEAT IT AGAIN,
PLEASE?
- IS THE GULF STILL BEING MINED?
- NO COMMENT.
CAN YOU GIVE US ANY MORE INFORMATION
ON THE BOMB DAMAGE ASSESSMENT?
I BELIEVE WE HAVE A VIDEO
TO HELP ILLUSTRATE THIS.
AS YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE, THIS
IS A PLANE FLYING SOMEWHERE.
IT DROPS SOMETHING
AND SOMETHING HAPPENS.
THERE IS A THING THERE.
AND THEN AFTERWARDS,
THERE MAY OR MAY
NOT BE A THING THERE.
I HOPE THAT CLEARS
EVERYTHING UP.
I HAVE A TWO-PART QUESTION.
WHAT WOULD IT
TAKE TO END THE WAR,
AND WILL THE U.S.
ACCEPT A POST-WAR IRAQ...
WITH SADDAM HUSSEIN
STILL IN POWER?
I THINK I CAN ANSWER THAT
IN TWO WAYS. NUMBER ONE,
THAT'S FOR ME TO KNOW
AND YOU TO FIND OUT.
AND NUMBER TWO, ASK ME NO
QUESTIONS, I'LL TELL YOU NO LIES,
YOUR NOSE IS BIG ENOUGH
FOR A GIRL TWICE YOUR SIZE.
WOULD YOU EVER USE
NUCLEAR WEAPONS?
I'M NOT GONNA TELL,
YOUR FEET SMELL,
ASK ME AGAIN, YOU
CAN GO TO HELL.
THAT'S ABOUT ALL THE QUESTIONS
WE HAVE TIME NOT TO ANSWER TODAY.
THE ATTACHÉS WILL BE
HANDING OUT PRINTED COPIES...
OF ALL THE INFORMATION
WE DIDN'T GIVE YOU.
THERE WILL BE ANOTHER
BRIEFING TOMORROW...
AND WE WILL BE PREPARED TO NOT ANSWER
ANY MORE QUESTIONS YOU HAVE THEN.
- SIR, WHAT TIME?
- WE'D RATHER NOT SAY.
THIS HAS BEEN A PARTICULARLY
NON-INFORMATIVE BRIEFING.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK TO RECAP
EVERYTHING THEY DIDN'T SAY...
NEXT ON C.N.N.
♪♪ [Hip-Hop]
♪ COME ON ♪
♪ COME ON ♪
♪ COME ON ♪
♪ COME ON ♪
♪ COME ON ♪
♪ COME ON ♪
♪ COME ON ♪
YOU SAID YOURSELF YOU DON'T
KNOW HOW TO SPEAK TO THESE PEOPLE.
THIS GUY IS FROM
HERE. THEY TRUST HIM.
HE SPEAKS THEIR LANGUAGE.
[Sighs] WELL,
I GUESS B.B. KING
WORKED FOR ATWATER.
OKAY, LET'S DO IT.
[Chanting] HELMSLY!
HELMSLY! HELMSLY!
[Cheering]
HEY, Y'ALL! [Chuckles]
I'VE BEEN YOUR SENATOR
NOW FOR ABOUT SEVEN YEARS,
AND, UH, WITH A
LITTLE HELP FROM YOU,
I'LL BE YOUR SENATOR
FOR ANOTHER SEVEN YEARS.
- HOW ABOUT THAT?
- [Cheering]
SURE, YOU CAN APPLAUD FOR THAT!
YOU KNOW, I COULD GO
ON FOREVER OUT HERE,
BUT I THINK IT'S TIME FOR A
LITTLE MUSICAL ENTERTAINMENT.
I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE A
VERY TALENTED SONGWRITER...
AND A DEAR, DEAR FRIEND OF MINE,
MR. CALHOUN TIBBS!
THANK YOU! THANK YOU
VERY MUCH. ALL RIGHT!
THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU.
AND THE NAME IS TUBBS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
ABOUT TIME YOU CHANGED
THAT. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I AIN'T RUNNIN' FOR
NO PUBLIC OFFICE,
SO I CAN TELL THE TRUTH.
NOW, LOOK HERE, I'VE BEEN IN
THIS NEIGHBORHOOD OVER 35 YEARS.
SEEN 'EM COME AND GO. AND I DONE KNOWN
THE SENATOR EVER SINCE HE FIRST COME UP.
SEE, TO MAKE IT IN POLITICS,
YOU GOT TO HAVE A GIMMICK.
THE SENATOR GOT
HIM A GIMMICK... ME.
MATTER OF FACT, HE STARTED MY
CAREER BY GIVING ME MY FIRST JOB.
WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT.
LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GO.
♪ I SHINED SENATOR
HELMSLY'S SHOES FOR A PENNY ♪
♪ AIN'T NEVER GOT PAID UH-HUH ♪
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT. NOW, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I KNOW SOME OF Y'ALL SAY THE GOOD
SENATOR DON'T CARE ABOUT THE LITTLE PEOPLE.
BUT I KNOW THAT AIN'T TRUE,
'CAUSE THIS MAN HERE, HE OWN FIVE
BUILDINGS RIGHT HERE IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.
AND HE ALWAYS TAKE
A PERSONAL INTEREST...
IN EVERY ONE OF HIS TENANTS.
WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT.
LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GO.
♪ NOW, THE SENATOR
IS MY LANDLORD ♪
♪ I SEEN HIM THROW OLD LADIES
OUT IN THE GUTTER, UH-HUH ♪
[Murmuring] THANK YOU
VERY MUCH! ALL RIGHT!
[Laughs] BUT LOOK
HERE. YOU KNOW WHAT?
I ALWAYS TELL THE LITTLE BABIES,
"STAY OFF THE JUNK
AND YOU'LL GO FAR."
SEE, THAT'S WHAT'S SO AMAZING
ABOUT THIS MAN RIGHT HERE.
FROM THE MINUTE HE TOOK OFFICE,
HE ALWAYS GOT HIMSELF PERSONALLY
INVOLVED IN THE WAR ON THE DRUGS.
HE EVEN STARTED HIS
OWN DRUG PROGRAM.
I AIN'T WRITE NO SONG ABOUT
THAT, BUT I THINK I COULD RIGHT NOW.
LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GO.
♪ THE SENATOR
KNOWS ABOUT DRUGS ♪
♪ HE BEEN A DOPE-HEAD
FOR 30 YEARS ♪
♪ UH-HUH ♪
[Commotion]
THANK YOU VERY
MUCH! WAIT A MINUTE.
UH, THAT DOES NOT EFFECT
MY DECISION-MAKING IN ANY WAY.
NOW, YOU KNOW WHAT? I KNOW SOME OF
Y'ALL DONE HEARD THEM NASTY RUMORS...
ABOUT THE SENATOR RUNNING
AROUND WITH OTHER WOMEN.
BUT I'M HERE TO TELL YOU, NOW I
KNOW FOR A FACT THAT AIN'T TRUE.
THAT IS NOT TRUE. THAT SENATOR
WOULD NEVER TOUCH NO FEMALE.
WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT.
LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GO.
♪ THE SENATOR DON'T FOOL
AROUND WITH NO WOMEN ♪
♪ HE PREFERS MEN
WHO DRESS IN LEATHER ♪
♪ UH-HUH ♪
[Commotion]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH! ALL RIGHT.
THEY WERE ALL CONSENTING ADULTS!
EVERYONE OF THEM! [Booing]
[Mumbling] [Talking, Indistinct]
[Booing Continues]
JUST GO AND HAVE A SEAT.
[Exhales Deeply]
THANK YOU FOR YOUR DEPOSIT HERE
AT FIRST INTRASTATE SPERM BANK.
OKAY, NOBODY MOVE! THIS IS
A HOLD UP! HEY! WHA... WHAT?
HEY. LISTEN... NO, YOU LISTEN!
I'M YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE.
I'M 39, I'M CHILDLESS,
AND I'M OVULATING!
SO YOU GIVE ME DENZEL
WASHINGTON'S DEPOSIT RIGHT NOW!
LISTEN, UM, UM, I-I'M SORRY,
BUT DENZEL WASHINGTON
DOESN'T HAVE AN ACCOUNT HERE.
LOOK, UH, WE'VE
GOT MILLI VANILLI.
THAT COULD BE ANYBODY'S!
WHAT ELSE YOU GOT?
LISTEN, WE'VE GOT JAMES WORTHY
SOMEWHERE. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
YOU AND EVERYBODY
ELSE! NOW, STOP STALLING!
YOU KNOW, THERE ARE MORE
CONVENTIONAL WAYS TO GO ABOUT THIS.
AND I'VE TRIED THEM ALL! I
TRIED THE PERSONAL ADS.
I TRIED THE PRISON PEN PALS.
GIRL, I WAS ON THE LOVE
CONNECTION FIVE TIMES...
AND ONLY FOUR PERCENT OF
THE AUDIENCE VOTED FOR ME.
WELL, I-I'M SURE
IT'S GONNA BE OKAY.
JUST... WE'LL COOPERATE, JUST
RELAX. CALM DOWN. [Car Horn Honking]
ALL RIGHT, MAMA! I'M
COMING! JUST WAIT!
LOOK, YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND, GIRL.
MY BIOLOGICAL TIME CLOCK WENT
OFF TWO YEARS AGO. TWO YEARS AGO!
SO IF I DON'T LEAVE HERE WITH SOME
SWOLLEN ANKLES AND A PICKLE IN MY MOUTH...
I'M GONNA TAKE OUT THE
WHOLE SPORTS COLLECTION.
HEY, HEY. WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE
ME AND LET THE SPECIMENS GO FREE?
OH, YEAH. THAT'S
WHAT I NEED, HUH?
SOME MAN WHOSE IDEA
OF A ROMANTIC EVENING...
IS SITTIN' HOME PICKIN'
OUT HIS TOE JAM?
OH, COME ON, LADY!
JUST TAKE HIM AND GO!
WE WAS HAVING SO MUCH
FUN TILL YOU SHOWED UP!
I'M AIN'T LEAVING WITH NOBODY
WHO'S DATING A DIXIE CUP!
GO AHEAD, RUB IT IN!
YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T BEEN WITH A
WOMAN IN A LONG TIME, ALL RIGHT?
MY WATER BED HAS
BARNACLES GROWING ON IT!
YOU KNOW HOW BORING MY LIFE IS? I SAW
YOU ON LOVE CONNECTION ALL FIVE TIMES.
HELL, I EVEN VOTED
FOR YOU! YOU DID?
EXCEPT FOR THE TIME
YOUR MOTHER CAME UP AND
BACKHANDED CHUCK, BUT,
I MEAN, OTHER THAN THAT...
AND YOU LIKE ME? YOU REALLY
LIKE ME? YOU KNOW THAT'S RIGHT.
EXCUSE ME. DO YOU
THINK YOU CAN PLEASE TAKE
THIS ELSEWHERE? THIS
IS A PLACE OF BUSINESS.
OH, BABY. YEAH. COME
ON. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.
[Machine Gun Fire]
I JUST SAVED THE WORLD FROM ANOTHER
GENERATION OF NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK.
♪♪ [Hip-Hop]
♪ LET IT GROOVE YOU ♪
[Cheering, Applause]
TOLD YA. WE WERE
BACK IN TWO AND TWO.
WELCOME BACK TO LOVE CONNECTION.
IF I'M NOT CHUCK WOOLERY, WHY AM
I SLEEPING WITH HIS WIFE? [Laughing]
LET'S MEET OUR NEXT COUPLE, BACK
TO TELL US HOW THEIR DATE WENT.
SHE'S A CONTROVERSIAL COMEDIENNE
WHO KNOWS WHAT SHE WANTS FROM A GUY...
ANDREA DICE CLAY!
[Applause, Cheering]
HI, ANDREA. YEAH. KISS, KISS.
HEY, CHUCK, I, UH, MADE A LITTLE
RHYME FOR YOU BACKSTAGE.
IT GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
CHUCK, CHUCK, BO-BUCK,
BANANA-FANNA-FO...
OKAY! WHATEVER.
HE CONSIDERS HIMSELF
A SENSITIVE GUY,
AND A MAN WHO TREATS
HIS DATE LIKE A LADY,
EVEN THOUGH HE'S
A MAJOR MOVIE STAR.
SAY HELLO TO PATRICK SWAYZE!
[Cheering, Applause]
HELLO, CHUCK.
I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT I
WATCH THIS SHOW OFTEN AND, WELL,
I LOVE YOU, MAN.
THAT'S GREAT, PATRICK.
ANDREA MIGHT BE A LITTLE MORE
RECEPTIVE TO THAT LOVE, HOWEVER.
WHAT ABOUT IT, ANDREA?
CHUCK, YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
I'M NOT LOOKING
FOR LOVE, YOU KNOW?
JUST SH... [Beep] AND GET
OUT THE [Beep] OUTTA MY FACE.
SEE? IT'S THAT VERY ATTITUDE THAT
MADE OUR DATE SUCH A DISASTER, CHUCK.
WHAT DISASTER? I THOUGHT
IT WENT PRETTY GOOD.
I MEAN, WE BOTH FINISHED. HO!
HOW DID THE DATE BEGIN, PAT?
I WANTED TO TAKE HER DANCING.
I LIKE TO THINK OF MYSELF AS A
PRETTY GOOD DANCER. MM-HMM.
I WAS THE STAR OF DIRTY
DANCING AND... YEAH.
YOU CALL THAT DANCING?
IN THAT CASE, MY DOG DOES PLENTY
OF DANCING WITH MY COUCH PILLOWS,
ONLY HE'S GOT A [Beep],
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
SEE WHAT I MEAN,
CHUCK? SHE'S AN ANIMAL!
OH, STOP YOUR WHINING
AND COMPLAINING.
I'M THE ONE WITH THE
CARPET BURNS ON MY [Beep],
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
SHE'S GOT A POINT THERE, PAT.
HEY, I GOT TWO OF 'EM, CHUCKIE.
I SEEN YOU LOOKING. WHAT?
MAYBE WE SHOULD TURN UP
THE HEAT IN THE STUDIO. [Chuckles]
CHUCK, I'M INTO MARTIAL ARTS.
- I'VE GOT AN INCREDIBLE BODY.
- MM-HMM.
I'M PRACTICALLY A GOD, WITH
THESE STREAKS AND TIPS IN MY HAIR.
YEAH. BUT I'M ALSO SENSITIVE.
MM. I ONLY WANTED
TO SHOW MISS CLAY...
THE FINER POINTS OF THE CITY.
OH, COME ON! I SHOWED YOU PLACES
ON YOUR CEILING YOU AIN'T EVER SEEN.
HO! WELL, IT LOOKS
LIKE ANDREA...
WANTED PATRICK TO LIVE
UP TO HIS SCREEN IMAGE,
WHILE PATRICK OBVIOUSLY EXPECTED
TO DATE WITHIN HIS OWN SPECIES.
I'M KILLIN' MYSELF.
LET'S SEE WHO OUR
AUDIENCE PICKED FOR ANDREA.
WAS IT PATRICK, PETE TOWNSHEND,
OR GRACE JONES?
WELL, THE AUDIENCE
STILL PICKED PATRICK,
SO IF YOU TWO'D LIKE TO GO
OUT AGAIN, WE'LL PAY FOR IT.
SURE, WHAT THE HELL.
I'LL DO HONEY BUNS AGAIN...
IF HE'LL CUT HIS
HAIR IN A FLAT TOP...
SO I GOT SOMEPLACE
TO SET MY DRINK...
WHEN [Beep], YOU
KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
WHAT?
LOOKS LIKE IT'S UP
TO YOU, PATRICK.
DO YOU WANT TO GO
OUT WITH ANDREA AGAIN?
MY MAMA DIDN'T RAISE NO QUITTER,
CHUCK. WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
IN THE MEANTIME,
MAY ALL OF YOUR DATES BE MAJOR
AND YOUR CARPET BURNS BE MINOR.
[Cheering, Applause]
[Cheering, Applause]
SKIPPY, COULD YOU DO US A FAVOR?
TELL THEM WHAT TO DO. [Laughs]
[Shrill Squawking]
[Laughing] [Cheering, Applause]
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN' ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
♪ TAKE IT FROM ME IT'S A'IGHT
TO BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ AND HOW WOULD YOU FEEL
KNOWING PREJUDICE WAS OBSOLETE ♪
♪ AND ALL MANKIND
DANCED TO THE EXACT BEAT ♪
♪ AND AT NIGHT IT WAS SAFE TO WALK
DOWN THE STREET ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ EVERYBODY HERE
IS EQUALLY KIND ♪
♪ EVERYBODY HERE
IS EQUALLY KIND ♪
♪ EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY
EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY HERE IS EQUALLY
KIND ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ WHAT'S MINE IS YOURS
AND WHAT'S YOURS IS MINE ♪
♪ IN LIVING C-C-C-OLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN' ♪
♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
♪ TAKE IT FROM ME IT'S A'IGHT
TO BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪
[Audience Applauding, Cheering]
♪♪ [Rock]
THE PRISON CABLE NETWORK
PROUDLY PRESENTS...
WIN, LOSE OR DRAW...
WITH YOUR HOST,
680031, ANGEL MARTINEZ!
[Music Ends] AY, AY, AY, AY!
ALL RIGHT! AY! GRACIAS,
WARDEN THOMAS.
TONIGHT'S A VERY SPECIAL
NIGHT FOR US BECAUSE...
I'M GOING TO GIVE
YOU HINT. ¡MUCHACHAS!
[Howling, Whistling]
THE WOMEN...
OF THE CLEVELAND HIGHLANDS CORRECTIONAL
FACILITY ARE HERE TO PLAY OUR GAME WITH US.
SO, FIRST, LET'S MEET
THE LADIES. [Men Howling]
FIRST UP, THERE'S BLAZE.
[Cheering, Applause]
THAT'S ONE HOT MAMA.
NEXT IS LOBOTOMY.
SHE SPENDS HER FREE TIME
VOLUNTEERING FOR MEDICAL EXPERIMENTS.
AND LAST, BUT NOT LEAST, BUSTER.
[Cheering, Applause]
YOU MIGHT KNOW HER LAST HUSBAND.
HE SINGS SOPRANO FOR THE PRISON CHOIR.
NOTHING WRONG WITH
THAT, MAN! [Laughing]
NOW, ARE YOU READY TO
MEET OUR REIGNING CHAMPIONS?
EVEN THOUGH YOU MIGHT KNOW
THEM, I'LL DO IT AGAIN, OKAY?
FIRST UP, CHARLIE.
[Cheering, Applause]
NEXT, TINY. HA HA HA...
TINY! RIGHT!
AND OF COURSE, BIG HECTOR.
[Charlie] GROOVY, HECTOR!
OH, AND OF COURSE, NEXT TO
BIG HECTOR, LIKE ALWAYS, CHICKEN.
[Charlie Clucking]
[Cheering, Applause] NOW
LET'S PLAY THE GAME.
WE'LL START WITH THE LADIES,
OKAY? HEY, BLAZE, COME ON.
GO ON, BLAZE! GO
ON. WHOO! HEY, BLAZE,
WHY DON'T YOU TELL US A LITTLE
BIT OF SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF?
WELL, ANGEL, I
COLLECT MATCHBOOKS,
I LOVE TO BARBECUE...
AND MY IDEA OF A
ROMANTIC EVENING...
IS TO CURL UP IN FRONT
OF A BLAZING BUILDING.
AY YI YI YI YI!
HUH? IS IT JUST ME OR AM I
GETTING REALLY, REALLY HOT? [Laughs]
SOUNDS GREAT. OKAY,
LET'S BEGIN, OKAY?
OUR FIRST CLUE
WILL BE AN EMOTION.
RAGE! A-ANGER!
[Angel] NO, NO, NO, NO.
NO, NO! BLOODLUST!
BLOODLUST! NO, I THINK MORE
OF... IT'S A HAPPY EMOTION, OKAY?
TOTAL NUMBNESS.
I HAVE TO HAVE YOU,
BUSTER! I WANT YOU!
- VASECTOMY!
- NEVER MIND.
UH, RUPTURE? RUPTURE!
A HERNIA! A RUPTURED HERNIA!
NO, NO, NO. IT'S A HAPPY
EMOTION. ANYONE?
TAKE THE BLUE PILLS? [Buzzer]
TIME'S UP. GUYS, CAN
YOU STEAL THIS ONE?
[Chattering] IS IT...
THE SATISFACTION OF
STABBING A GUARD 57 TIMES?
[Bell Dinging] THAT'S IT, MAN!
[Men Howling] [Chattering]
STABBING A GUARD 57 TIMES!
I SHOULD HAVE GOT THAT ONE!
NOW, CHARLIE, COME
UP, MAN. ALL RIGHT, MAN.
HEY, CHARLIE, HAVE YOU
DONE A LOT OF DRAWING?
NOT REALLY, MAN. I'VE DONE
A LOT OF SCULPTURE, THOUGH.
MOSTLY, I LIKE TO
CARVE HUMAN FIGURES.
[Cackling] AY YI YI YI YI.
OH. OKAY, CHARLIE,
LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE
BIT ABOUT THIS PUZZLE, OKAY?
WAIT A SECOND!
IS IT A PLACE? YES. HOW-
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
I'M RIGHT INSIDE
YOUR HEAD. [Giggles]
OH! OH, I GOT THIS ONE.
UH, IS IT A... A... A WOMAN?
NO. A BUXOM WOMAN.
NO. A BUXOM WOMAN
WITH BIG BREASTESSES?
I SAID A PLACE, MAN!
A WOMAN WITH REALLY, REALLY
BIG BREASTESSES IN A PLACE? [Buzzer]
UH, NO, NO. LADIES, CAN
YOU STEAL THIS ONE?
THE CONTINENTAL UNITED STATES?
THAT'S IT, MAN! THE CONTINENTAL
UNITED STATES. [Bell Dinging]
YOU GUYS SHOULD HAVE GOT THAT ONE,
MAN. YOU GUYS WEREN'T EVEN THINKING, MAN.
I THINK IF YOU LOOK AGAIN,
IT'S REALLY A WOMAN WITH
TWO BIG BREASTS IN A PLACE.
OH, YES, YES. AS A MATTER OF FACT,
HE'S RIGHT. SHE'S RIGHT IN FLORIDA.
I DIDN'T SEE HER. BIG
HECTOR'S TEAM WINS AGAIN.
I'M VERY SORRY. [Bell Dinging]
[Cheering] [Grumbling]
THAT'S BULL CRAP!
[Shouting, Indistinct]
I WANT YOU, BUSTER! I
GOT TO HAVE YOU, BABY!
I GOTTA... PUT YOUR
HEAD BETWEEN YOUR LEGS.
I WANT YOU LOBOTOMY! I GOT
TO HAVE YOU! [Laughing Maniacally]
I WANT YOU! JUST BREATHE.
JUST BREATHE, MAN!
JUST BREATHE.
OKAY. NOW WHAT THIS MEANS
IS IS THAT BIG HECTOR'S TEAM...
ADVANCES TO THE
SPEED ROUND, OKAY?
ALL RIGHT. NOW, THEY'LL HAVE 30
SECONDS TO NAME HECTOR'S FOUR PICTURES.
OKAY. COME ON, BIG HECTOR!
COME UP HERE. COME ON.
COME ON, GUYS! YEAH!
[Charlie] LET'S ESTABLISH
A PSYCHIC LINK!
VEHICULAR HOMICIDE? [Bell Dings]
YEAH!
THE DOG THAT TOLD
ME TO SHOOT RICK DEES!
[Bell Dinging] [Tiny] YEAH!
OH! I KNOW THIS. OH. OH, UH, A
WOMAN WITH BIG BREASTESSES...
UH, ON GOLDEN POND!
[Bell Dings] [Tiny] YEAH!
UH, I GOT THIS. UH, BIRDS FLYING OVER A
WOMAN WITH... WITH BIG BREASTESSES?
[Bell Dings] YEAH! YEAH!
[Cheering, Applause]
[Shouting, Indistinct]
OFF OF YOU!
ALL RIGHT! THAT MEANS YOUR TEAM
HAS GUESSED ALL FOUR OF THEM.
WARDEN THOMAS, CAN YOU TELL THEM
WHAT BEAUTIFUL GIFTS THEY HAVE WON?
♪♪ [Rock] [Warden]
WELL, BIG HECTOR'S TEAM,
YOU'VE EACH WON AN ELEGANT PERSONAL
GROOMING KIT FROM THE PRISON SUPPLY HOUSE.
AND FOR THE PRISONER
WHO HAS EVERYTHING,
BUT DOESN'T WANT TO
GIVE IT UP... SOAP ON A ROPE.
ALL RIGHT! WELL, THAT'S IT.
I HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT.
THAT'S IT FOR WIN, LOSE OR DRAW.
UNTIL TOMORROW,
THIS IS ANGEL SAYING,
"KEEP DRAWING, EVEN IF IT'S ONLY SCRATCH
MARKS ON THE INSIDE OF YOUR CELL WALL."
♪♪ [Rock Continues]
I KNOW WHY YOU'RE IGNORING ME.
IT'S BECAUSE I'M JUST
LITTLE MARSHA WARFIELD.
BUT YOU SEE, TODD,
I'M DRINKING MILK.
AND WHEN YOU DRINK MILK,
IT HELPS TO BUILD YOUR BONES
AND MAKE YOUR BODY STRONGER.
THAT WAY I WON'T ALWAYS
BE LITTLE MARSHA WARFIELD.
IN FACT, IF I KEEP
DRINKING MILK,
ONE DAY, I'M GOING TO
BE BIG MARSHA WARFIELD.
YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT
I'M SAYING, SUCKER?
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I THINK WHEN I AM,
I'M JUST GONNA KICK THE
LIVIN' CRAP OUT OF YOU.
COME OVER HERE.
WHERE YOU GET OFF...
IGNORING ME ALL THESE YEARS,
HUH, YOU LITTLE PUNK?
DON'T YOU KNOW HOW SEXY I AM?
[Announcer] MILK... IT
DOES A BODY REAL GOOD.
AND SO THE PROGRESS
UP TO THIS POINT...
HAS BEEN ABOUT
WHAT WE EXPECTED...
AND WE EXPECT THIS PROGRESSION TO
PROGRESS THE WAY WE EXPECT IT TO...
AT LEAST, THAT IS, OUR EXPECTATION AS
TO THIS POINT IN THE OVERALL PROGRESS.
- ARE THERE ANY MORE QUESTIONS?
- WE HAVE HEARD RUMORS
OF MASSIVE TROOP MOVEMENTS.
CAN YOU TELL US
ANYTHING ABOUT THAT?
I CAN NEITHER CONFIRM
NOR DENY THAT. NEXT?
WHY DO YOU STILL
CONSIDER MEN MISSING...
WHEN WE'VE ALL SEEN THEM
AS PRISONERS OF WAR ON TV?
I BELIEVE I DIDN'T ANSWER THAT
QUESTION AT YESTERDAY'S BRIEFING.
- IS THE GULF STILL BEING MINED?
- ADMIRAL KEATING?
COULD YOU REPEAT
THE QUESTION, PLEASE?
- IS THE GULF STILL BEING MINED?
- COULD YOU REPEAT IT AGAIN,
PLEASE?
- IS THE GULF STILL BEING MINED?
- NO COMMENT.
CAN YOU GIVE US ANY MORE INFORMATION
ON THE BOMB DAMAGE ASSESSMENT?
I BELIEVE WE HAVE A VIDEO
TO HELP ILLUSTRATE THIS.
AS YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE, THIS
IS A PLANE FLYING SOMEWHERE.
IT DROPS SOMETHING
AND SOMETHING HAPPENS.
THERE IS A THING THERE.
AND THEN AFTERWARDS,
THERE MAY OR MAY
NOT BE A THING THERE.
I HOPE THAT CLEARS
EVERYTHING UP.
I HAVE A TWO-PART QUESTION.
WHAT WOULD IT
TAKE TO END THE WAR,
AND WILL THE U.S.
ACCEPT A POST-WAR IRAQ...
WITH SADDAM HUSSEIN
STILL IN POWER?
I THINK I CAN ANSWER THAT
IN TWO WAYS. NUMBER ONE,
THAT'S FOR ME TO KNOW
AND YOU TO FIND OUT.
AND NUMBER TWO, ASK ME NO
QUESTIONS, I'LL TELL YOU NO LIES,
YOUR NOSE IS BIG ENOUGH
FOR A GIRL TWICE YOUR SIZE.
WOULD YOU EVER USE
NUCLEAR WEAPONS?
I'M NOT GONNA TELL,
YOUR FEET SMELL,
ASK ME AGAIN, YOU
CAN GO TO HELL.
THAT'S ABOUT ALL THE QUESTIONS
WE HAVE TIME NOT TO ANSWER TODAY.
THE ATTACHÉS WILL BE
HANDING OUT PRINTED COPIES...
OF ALL THE INFORMATION
WE DIDN'T GIVE YOU.
THERE WILL BE ANOTHER
BRIEFING TOMORROW...
AND WE WILL BE PREPARED TO NOT ANSWER
ANY MORE QUESTIONS YOU HAVE THEN.
- SIR, WHAT TIME?
- WE'D RATHER NOT SAY.
THIS HAS BEEN A PARTICULARLY
NON-INFORMATIVE BRIEFING.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK TO RECAP
EVERYTHING THEY DIDN'T SAY...
NEXT ON C.N.N.
♪♪ [Hip-Hop]
♪ COME ON ♪
♪ COME ON ♪
♪ COME ON ♪
♪ COME ON ♪
♪ COME ON ♪
♪ COME ON ♪
♪ COME ON ♪
YOU SAID YOURSELF YOU DON'T
KNOW HOW TO SPEAK TO THESE PEOPLE.
THIS GUY IS FROM
HERE. THEY TRUST HIM.
HE SPEAKS THEIR LANGUAGE.
[Sighs] WELL,
I GUESS B.B. KING
WORKED FOR ATWATER.
OKAY, LET'S DO IT.
[Chanting] HELMSLY!
HELMSLY! HELMSLY!
[Cheering]
HEY, Y'ALL! [Chuckles]
I'VE BEEN YOUR SENATOR
NOW FOR ABOUT SEVEN YEARS,
AND, UH, WITH A
LITTLE HELP FROM YOU,
I'LL BE YOUR SENATOR
FOR ANOTHER SEVEN YEARS.
- HOW ABOUT THAT?
- [Cheering]
SURE, YOU CAN APPLAUD FOR THAT!
YOU KNOW, I COULD GO
ON FOREVER OUT HERE,
BUT I THINK IT'S TIME FOR A
LITTLE MUSICAL ENTERTAINMENT.
I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE A
VERY TALENTED SONGWRITER...
AND A DEAR, DEAR FRIEND OF MINE,
MR. CALHOUN TIBBS!
THANK YOU! THANK YOU
VERY MUCH. ALL RIGHT!
THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU.
AND THE NAME IS TUBBS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
ABOUT TIME YOU CHANGED
THAT. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I AIN'T RUNNIN' FOR
NO PUBLIC OFFICE,
SO I CAN TELL THE TRUTH.
NOW, LOOK HERE, I'VE BEEN IN
THIS NEIGHBORHOOD OVER 35 YEARS.
SEEN 'EM COME AND GO. AND I DONE KNOWN
THE SENATOR EVER SINCE HE FIRST COME UP.
SEE, TO MAKE IT IN POLITICS,
YOU GOT TO HAVE A GIMMICK.
THE SENATOR GOT
HIM A GIMMICK... ME.
MATTER OF FACT, HE STARTED MY
CAREER BY GIVING ME MY FIRST JOB.
WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT.
LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GO.
♪ I SHINED SENATOR
HELMSLY'S SHOES FOR A PENNY ♪
♪ AIN'T NEVER GOT PAID UH-HUH ♪
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT. NOW, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I KNOW SOME OF Y'ALL SAY THE GOOD
SENATOR DON'T CARE ABOUT THE LITTLE PEOPLE.
BUT I KNOW THAT AIN'T TRUE,
'CAUSE THIS MAN HERE, HE OWN FIVE
BUILDINGS RIGHT HERE IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.
AND HE ALWAYS TAKE
A PERSONAL INTEREST...
IN EVERY ONE OF HIS TENANTS.
WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT.
LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GO.
♪ NOW, THE SENATOR
IS MY LANDLORD ♪
♪ I SEEN HIM THROW OLD LADIES
OUT IN THE GUTTER, UH-HUH ♪
[Murmuring] THANK YOU
VERY MUCH! ALL RIGHT!
[Laughs] BUT LOOK
HERE. YOU KNOW WHAT?
I ALWAYS TELL THE LITTLE BABIES,
"STAY OFF THE JUNK
AND YOU'LL GO FAR."
SEE, THAT'S WHAT'S SO AMAZING
ABOUT THIS MAN RIGHT HERE.
FROM THE MINUTE HE TOOK OFFICE,
HE ALWAYS GOT HIMSELF PERSONALLY
INVOLVED IN THE WAR ON THE DRUGS.
HE EVEN STARTED HIS
OWN DRUG PROGRAM.
I AIN'T WRITE NO SONG ABOUT
THAT, BUT I THINK I COULD RIGHT NOW.
LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GO.
♪ THE SENATOR
KNOWS ABOUT DRUGS ♪
♪ HE BEEN A DOPE-HEAD
FOR 30 YEARS ♪
♪ UH-HUH ♪
[Commotion]
THANK YOU VERY
MUCH! WAIT A MINUTE.
UH, THAT DOES NOT EFFECT
MY DECISION-MAKING IN ANY WAY.
NOW, YOU KNOW WHAT? I KNOW SOME OF
Y'ALL DONE HEARD THEM NASTY RUMORS...
ABOUT THE SENATOR RUNNING
AROUND WITH OTHER WOMEN.
BUT I'M HERE TO TELL YOU, NOW I
KNOW FOR A FACT THAT AIN'T TRUE.
THAT IS NOT TRUE. THAT SENATOR
WOULD NEVER TOUCH NO FEMALE.
WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT.
LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GO.
♪ THE SENATOR DON'T FOOL
AROUND WITH NO WOMEN ♪
♪ HE PREFERS MEN
WHO DRESS IN LEATHER ♪
♪ UH-HUH ♪
[Commotion]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH! ALL RIGHT.
THEY WERE ALL CONSENTING ADULTS!
EVERYONE OF THEM! [Booing]
[Mumbling] [Talking, Indistinct]
[Booing Continues]
JUST GO AND HAVE A SEAT.
[Exhales Deeply]
THANK YOU FOR YOUR DEPOSIT HERE
AT FIRST INTRASTATE SPERM BANK.
OKAY, NOBODY MOVE! THIS IS
A HOLD UP! HEY! WHA... WHAT?
HEY. LISTEN... NO, YOU LISTEN!
I'M YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE.
I'M 39, I'M CHILDLESS,
AND I'M OVULATING!
SO YOU GIVE ME DENZEL
WASHINGTON'S DEPOSIT RIGHT NOW!
LISTEN, UM, UM, I-I'M SORRY,
BUT DENZEL WASHINGTON
DOESN'T HAVE AN ACCOUNT HERE.
LOOK, UH, WE'VE
GOT MILLI VANILLI.
THAT COULD BE ANYBODY'S!
WHAT ELSE YOU GOT?
LISTEN, WE'VE GOT JAMES WORTHY
SOMEWHERE. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
YOU AND EVERYBODY
ELSE! NOW, STOP STALLING!
YOU KNOW, THERE ARE MORE
CONVENTIONAL WAYS TO GO ABOUT THIS.
AND I'VE TRIED THEM ALL! I
TRIED THE PERSONAL ADS.
I TRIED THE PRISON PEN PALS.
GIRL, I WAS ON THE LOVE
CONNECTION FIVE TIMES...
AND ONLY FOUR PERCENT OF
THE AUDIENCE VOTED FOR ME.
WELL, I-I'M SURE
IT'S GONNA BE OKAY.
JUST... WE'LL COOPERATE, JUST
RELAX. CALM DOWN. [Car Horn Honking]
ALL RIGHT, MAMA! I'M
COMING! JUST WAIT!
LOOK, YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND, GIRL.
MY BIOLOGICAL TIME CLOCK WENT
OFF TWO YEARS AGO. TWO YEARS AGO!
SO IF I DON'T LEAVE HERE WITH SOME
SWOLLEN ANKLES AND A PICKLE IN MY MOUTH...
I'M GONNA TAKE OUT THE
WHOLE SPORTS COLLECTION.
HEY, HEY. WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE
ME AND LET THE SPECIMENS GO FREE?
OH, YEAH. THAT'S
WHAT I NEED, HUH?
SOME MAN WHOSE IDEA
OF A ROMANTIC EVENING...
IS SITTIN' HOME PICKIN'
OUT HIS TOE JAM?
OH, COME ON, LADY!
JUST TAKE HIM AND GO!
WE WAS HAVING SO MUCH
FUN TILL YOU SHOWED UP!
I'M AIN'T LEAVING WITH NOBODY
WHO'S DATING A DIXIE CUP!
GO AHEAD, RUB IT IN!
YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T BEEN WITH A
WOMAN IN A LONG TIME, ALL RIGHT?
MY WATER BED HAS
BARNACLES GROWING ON IT!
YOU KNOW HOW BORING MY LIFE IS? I SAW
YOU ON LOVE CONNECTION ALL FIVE TIMES.
HELL, I EVEN VOTED
FOR YOU! YOU DID?
EXCEPT FOR THE TIME
YOUR MOTHER CAME UP AND
BACKHANDED CHUCK, BUT,
I MEAN, OTHER THAN THAT...
AND YOU LIKE ME? YOU REALLY
LIKE ME? YOU KNOW THAT'S RIGHT.
EXCUSE ME. DO YOU
THINK YOU CAN PLEASE TAKE
THIS ELSEWHERE? THIS
IS A PLACE OF BUSINESS.
OH, BABY. YEAH. COME
ON. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.
[Machine Gun Fire]
I JUST SAVED THE WORLD FROM ANOTHER
GENERATION OF NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK.
♪♪ [Hip-Hop]
♪ LET IT GROOVE YOU ♪
[Cheering, Applause]
TOLD YA. WE WERE
BACK IN TWO AND TWO.
WELCOME BACK TO LOVE CONNECTION.
IF I'M NOT CHUCK WOOLERY, WHY AM
I SLEEPING WITH HIS WIFE? [Laughing]
LET'S MEET OUR NEXT COUPLE, BACK
TO TELL US HOW THEIR DATE WENT.
SHE'S A CONTROVERSIAL COMEDIENNE
WHO KNOWS WHAT SHE WANTS FROM A GUY...
ANDREA DICE CLAY!
[Applause, Cheering]
HI, ANDREA. YEAH. KISS, KISS.
HEY, CHUCK, I, UH, MADE A LITTLE
RHYME FOR YOU BACKSTAGE.
IT GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
CHUCK, CHUCK, BO-BUCK,
BANANA-FANNA-FO...
OKAY! WHATEVER.
HE CONSIDERS HIMSELF
A SENSITIVE GUY,
AND A MAN WHO TREATS
HIS DATE LIKE A LADY,
EVEN THOUGH HE'S
A MAJOR MOVIE STAR.
SAY HELLO TO PATRICK SWAYZE!
[Cheering, Applause]
HELLO, CHUCK.
I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT I
WATCH THIS SHOW OFTEN AND, WELL,
I LOVE YOU, MAN.
THAT'S GREAT, PATRICK.
ANDREA MIGHT BE A LITTLE MORE
RECEPTIVE TO THAT LOVE, HOWEVER.
WHAT ABOUT IT, ANDREA?
CHUCK, YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
I'M NOT LOOKING
FOR LOVE, YOU KNOW?
JUST SH... [Beep] AND GET
OUT THE [Beep] OUTTA MY FACE.
SEE? IT'S THAT VERY ATTITUDE THAT
MADE OUR DATE SUCH A DISASTER, CHUCK.
WHAT DISASTER? I THOUGHT
IT WENT PRETTY GOOD.
I MEAN, WE BOTH FINISHED. HO!
HOW DID THE DATE BEGIN, PAT?
I WANTED TO TAKE HER DANCING.
I LIKE TO THINK OF MYSELF AS A
PRETTY GOOD DANCER. MM-HMM.
I WAS THE STAR OF DIRTY
DANCING AND... YEAH.
YOU CALL THAT DANCING?
IN THAT CASE, MY DOG DOES PLENTY
OF DANCING WITH MY COUCH PILLOWS,
ONLY HE'S GOT A [Beep],
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
SEE WHAT I MEAN,
CHUCK? SHE'S AN ANIMAL!
OH, STOP YOUR WHINING
AND COMPLAINING.
I'M THE ONE WITH THE
CARPET BURNS ON MY [Beep],
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
SHE'S GOT A POINT THERE, PAT.
HEY, I GOT TWO OF 'EM, CHUCKIE.
I SEEN YOU LOOKING. WHAT?
MAYBE WE SHOULD TURN UP
THE HEAT IN THE STUDIO. [Chuckles]
CHUCK, I'M INTO MARTIAL ARTS.
- I'VE GOT AN INCREDIBLE BODY.
- MM-HMM.
I'M PRACTICALLY A GOD, WITH
THESE STREAKS AND TIPS IN MY HAIR.
YEAH. BUT I'M ALSO SENSITIVE.
MM. I ONLY WANTED
TO SHOW MISS CLAY...
THE FINER POINTS OF THE CITY.
OH, COME ON! I SHOWED YOU PLACES
ON YOUR CEILING YOU AIN'T EVER SEEN.
HO! WELL, IT LOOKS
LIKE ANDREA...
WANTED PATRICK TO LIVE
UP TO HIS SCREEN IMAGE,
WHILE PATRICK OBVIOUSLY EXPECTED
TO DATE WITHIN HIS OWN SPECIES.
I'M KILLIN' MYSELF.
LET'S SEE WHO OUR
AUDIENCE PICKED FOR ANDREA.
WAS IT PATRICK, PETE TOWNSHEND,
OR GRACE JONES?
WELL, THE AUDIENCE
STILL PICKED PATRICK,
SO IF YOU TWO'D LIKE TO GO
OUT AGAIN, WE'LL PAY FOR IT.
SURE, WHAT THE HELL.
I'LL DO HONEY BUNS AGAIN...
IF HE'LL CUT HIS
HAIR IN A FLAT TOP...
SO I GOT SOMEPLACE
TO SET MY DRINK...
WHEN [Beep], YOU
KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
WHAT?
LOOKS LIKE IT'S UP
TO YOU, PATRICK.
DO YOU WANT TO GO
OUT WITH ANDREA AGAIN?
MY MAMA DIDN'T RAISE NO QUITTER,
CHUCK. WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
IN THE MEANTIME,
MAY ALL OF YOUR DATES BE MAJOR
AND YOUR CARPET BURNS BE MINOR.
[Cheering, Applause]
[Cheering, Applause]
SKIPPY, COULD YOU DO US A FAVOR?
TELL THEM WHAT TO DO. [Laughs]
[Shrill Squawking]
[Laughing] [Cheering, Applause]
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪