In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 2, Episode 11 - Justice Legions of America - full transcript
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN' ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
♪ TAKE IT FROM ME IT'S A'IGHT
TO BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ AND HOW WOULD YOU FEEL
KNOWING PREJUDICE WAS OBSOLETE ♪
♪ AND ALL MANKIND
DANCED TO THE EXACT BEAT ♪
♪ AND AT NIGHT IT WAS SAFE TO WALK
DOWN THE STREET ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ EVERYBODY HERE
IS EQUALLY KIND ♪
♪ EVERYBODY HERE
IS EQUALLY KIND ♪
♪ EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY
EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY HERE IS EQUALLY
KIND ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ WHAT'S MINE IS YOURS
AND WHAT'S YOURS IS MINE ♪
♪ IN LIVING C-C-C-OLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN' ♪
♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
♪ TAKE IT FROM ME IT'S A'IGHT
TO BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
KEENEN IVORY WAYANS.
MY NEW LOOK. HUH?
A LITTLE SOMETHING. A LITTLE
SOMETHING, NEW JACKET THERE.
HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING?
GOOD TO HAVE YOU ALL HERE.
THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW THE RULES. YOU SIT
BACK, YOU LAUGH, WE DO THE REST.
WE'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE.
SHAWN, GET IT GOING.
♪♪ ♪ YOU CAN DO
WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
ALL THESE GUYS ARE BUMS.
HE'LL WANNA FEEL YOU
OUT, SEE WHAT YOU GOT.
HE'S GOT JUST ONE
THING ON HIS MIND.
HE'S GONNA WANNA PUT YOU
ON YOUR BACK RIGHT AWAY.
THAT'S RIGHT. SO WHAT
I WANT YOU TO DO...
IS WHEN YOU'RE BOTH IN CLOSE
AND YOU'RE HOT AND SWEATY,
I WANT YOU TO THROW
IT IN HIS THIRD RIB.
YOU PUSH THAT IN THERE, IT PUSHES ALL THE
BILE OUT OF THE BODY RIGHT ONTO THE FLOOR.
BUT, DADS, IT'S JUST A DATE. DO
I HAVE TO WEAR THESE GLOVES?
OH, DARLIN', BUT IT GOES SO NICE
WITH THE MOUTHPIECE WE GOT YOU.
AT FIRST, THERE WAS
THREE CHAMPS AND A BABY.
NOW, TOUCH-TONE
PICTURES PRESENTS:
NOW, REMEMBER, NO
CONTACT BELOW THE BELT.
THAT'S RIGHT. LET'S
GET THESE UP THERE.
OH, DAD. NOW, DO YOU
REMEMBER WHAT I TOLD YA?
- NO, DAD.
- WELL, NEITHER DO I,
BUT JUST IN CASE...
HE MAY BE PRETTY.
HE MAY HAVE ZITS.
WHATEVER YOU DO,
DON'T LET HIM TOUCH, UH,
LIKE A BEE.
THANKS, DAD.
YOU KNOW, YOU LOOK
PRETTY ECSTATIC, DARLIN'.
THANKS. OH, I THINK I MIGHT
NEED SOME MONEY, DAD.
OH, THAT'S FINE. ALL
PRETTY GIRLS NEED MONEY.
HOW MUCH YOU NEED,
DARLIN'? 10, 20, 30,000?
HERE. TAKE IT ALL. HERE.
TAKE THE WATCH. OH.
TAKE THE DEED TO
THE HOUSE. TAKE IT ALL.
JUST GET YOUR BALDHEADED
MOTHER AWAY FROM ME!
MIKE! MIKE! MICHAEL! MICHAEL!
IT'S OVER NOW. OHHH.
I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
I HAD A LITHIUM
FLASHBACK. I'M ALL RIGHT.
IT'S OKAY, DAD. NO, DARLIN'.
THAT WAS PRETTY LUDICROUS.
HEY, "LUDICROUS."
THAT'S A PRETTY BIG WORD.
YEAH.
I REMEMBER THE FIRST
TIME I FELL IN LOVE.
IT WAS RIGHT AFTER A BIG FIGHT.
I LOOKED DOWN AND SAW
ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
EYES I'VE EVER SEEN,
AND IT WINKED AT ME.
THEN I PICKED IT UP AND
PUT IT BACK IN ITS SOCKET.
HEY. YOU KNOW, I
REMEMBER MY FIRST DATE.
- YOU DO?
- NO, I DON'T.
WELL, ANYWAY,
DARLIN', JUST REMEMBER,
IF YOU HAVE ANY PROBLEMS,
JUST CALL THE HOUSE.
I'LL HOP IN THE MERCEDES.
I'LL DRIVE RIGHT...
NO! NO! NO, NO!
DAD! DOORBELL.
THAT'S PRETTY FUNNY,
ALI. PRETTY FUNNY.
DAD, DAD, DAD,
THIS IS MY DATE,
GERRY COONEY, JR.
YEAH. HOW YOU DOING, KID?
- OH, GEEZ!
- LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON.
GERRY COONEY. EASY, EASY, EASY.
EASY. PUT YOUR ARM OVER
HERE. PUT YOUR ARM AROUND HIM.
THERE YOU GO. ALL RIGHT.
GOOD-BYE, YOUNG PEOPLE. HAVE
A GOOD TIME. GOOD-BYE, DADS.
YOU KIDS HAVE FUN. OKAY.
HAVE FUN. SAY HELLO
TO YOUR DAD FOR ME.
GEEZ. BOY, HER FIRST DATE, GUYS.
MM. I DON'T KNOW IF I'M
ECSTATIC OR LUDICROUS.
WHY DON'T WE JUST FIGHT
ANOTHER ROUND, MIKE?
ALL RIGHT. I TELL YOU WHAT, YOU GUESS
WHO I AM THIS TIME, ALL RIGHT? ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT. CHECK IT OUT NOW. WE'RE
IN THE SECOND ROUND, ALL RIGHT?
HIT ME WITH A RIGHT
HAND REAL SOFT. BOOM!
I'M DOWN. "HEY!
WHERE'S MY $22 MILLION?"
BUSTER DOUGLAS! THAT'S RIGHT!
THREE CHAMPS AND A LITTLE LADY.
COMING TO A THEATER NEAR YOU.
♪♪
HEY! WELCOME BACK
TO THE NEWLYWED GAME.
BIFF AND BUNNY, THAT
LAST ROUND WAS INCREDIBLE.
NOW, IT'S TIME TO SEE HOW
OUR HUSBANDS' ANSWERS...
MATCH UP WITH WHAT
THEIR WIVES HAVE SAID.
COUPLE NUMBER THREE,
PHILLIP AND LOUISE.
IF YOUR WIFE WAS A DOG, PHIL,
WHAT KIND OF A DOG WOULD SHE BE?
WELL, I'D HAVE TO SAY AN AFGHAN,
BECAUSE IT'S TALL, IT'S
REGAL AND IT'S ELEGANT...
EVERYTHING THAT SHE IS.
LOUISE, WANNA SHOW US YOUR CARD?
SHE SAID SHE WOULD NOT BE A DOG.
HEY, LOUISE, IT'S JUST A GAME.
I THOUGHT THE WHOLE
POINT WAS TO WIN.
WELL, UH, PHILLIP, YOU
CAN PLAY THE GAME,
BUT I'M NOT GOING TO ANSWER A
QUESTION THAT I FIND DEGRADING.
I KNOW WE'VE ONLY BEEN MARRIED A
MONTH, BUT I DON'T THINK I LIKE YOU.
WELL, ARE WE HAVING A
VERBAL CONFLICT, PHILLIP?
I KNOW OUR THERAPIST
TOLD US TO AVOID THAT.
MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST END
THIS MARRIAGE RIGHT NOW.
JUDGES? JUDGES SAY,
"END THE MARRIAGE."
OKAY. ON TO COUPLE NUMBER TWO.
BIFF, WHAT KIND OF
A DOG IS YOUR WIFE?
WELL, BOB, I
ALWAYS TELL BUNNY...
THAT'S SHE'S JUST A CUTE
LITTLE FLUFFY NEWBORN PUP...
WITH A WARM LITTLE BELLY...
AND A SHARP, SCRATCHY
LITTLE TONGUE...
AND DROOPY LITTLE
LOVABLE PUPPY DOG EYES.
BUNNY, SHOW US YOUR CARD.
HEY! THAT'S A DOGGONE
CORRECT ANSWER.
WHICH BRINGS US TO COUPLE
NUMBER ONE, FRED AND WILMA.
GUYS? YEAH.
WELL, FRED, WHAT KIND OF A
FOUR-LEGGED MUTT ARE YOU MARRIED TO?
HEY, HEY, HEY. MY WIFE
AIN'T NO MUTT, ALL RIGHT?
SHE'S MORE LIKE A
PIT BULL. A PIT BULL?
YEAH, A PIT BULL. ISN'T THAT ONE
OF THEM DOGS THAT, YOU KNOW,
CLAMPS ONTO YOUR BEHIND AND
WILL NOT LET GO NO MATTER WHAT?
UH-HUH. THAT'S WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT.
WHAT? SHE SAID...
SHE SAID, "THE BUTT."
THAT'S FROM WHEN WE...
THAT'S FROM BEFORE.
WHAT KIND OF A DOG IS
THAT? I SAID A POODLE!
OH. A POODLE! REMEMBER HOW YOU
BE SAYING WHENEVER WE MAKE LOVE,
MY HEAD BE LOOKING LIKE A POODLE
DANGLING FROM A DASHBOARD?
YEAH, BUT THE PIT BULL CLAMP.
OH, SHUT UP! YOU SO STUPID,
STUPID, STUPID, STUPID! BOB! BOB!
OKAY, BUNNY, WHAT PART OF
YOUR BODY REMINDS BIFF OF FOOD?
WELL, BOB, IT'S FUNNY
YOU SHOULD ASK THAT.
SEE, BIFF PUTS ON THESE CHAPS
AND HE TIGHTENS UP THE SADDLE...
AND HE STRAPS ON THOSE SPURS...
- SPECIFICALLY, BUNNY.
- WELL, UM,
MY FACE GETS ALL FLUSHED AND
MY CHEEKS ARE LIKE CHERRIES!
"CHEEKS LIKE CHERRIES."
BETTER PUT HIM OUT TO STUD.
THAT'S ALSO ANOTHER CORRECT
ANSWER AND 10 BIG POINTS...
WHICH BRINGS US BACK
TO FRED AND WILMA.
WELL, LET ME TELL
YOU SOMETHING, BOB.
MISSY OVER HERE AIN'T THE
ONLY ONE WITH CHERRY CHEEKS,
EXCEPT MINE AIN'T
THE ONES THAT SMILIN'.
FRED, COULD BE YOUR BIG CHANCE
TO GET OUT OF THE DOGHOUSE.
"COTTAGE CHEESE THIGHS."
COTTAGE CHEESE THIGHS!
COTTAGE CHEESE THIGHS.
YOU KNOW, BOB, SHE GOT
THOSE BIG LUMPS OF FAT
ON THE BACK OF HER LEGS.
- THEY HUNK OVER... THEY OVERFLOW
OVER HER PANTY HOSE.
- YEAH. UH-HUH.
I EVEN DREW A PICTURE. CHECK
IT OUT. THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
OH, THAT'S IT. SEE? THAT'S
THE FAT RIGHT THERE.
WHEN SHE WALKS, IT'S LIKE DEAD FISH
SLAPPING TOGETHER. COME ON NOW!
WELL, COUPLE NUMBER TWO?
COUPLE NUMBER TWO, YOU'RE
OUR GRAND PRIZE WINNER.
THIS IS BOB EUBANKS...
AND THE NEWLYWED GAME.
♪♪
♪♪
AND NOW, LIVE FROM CELL
BLOCK "B" PRISON CABLE NETWORK,
THE ONLY TV PRODUCED
IN PRISON FOR PRISONERS,
PRESENTS THE GOOD
BEHAVIOR VARIETY SHOW!
SO LET'S GIVE IT
UP FOR YOUR HOST...
SERVING A LIFE SENTENCE FOR...
YOU NAME IT, HE'S DONE IT.
HERE'S ANGEL!
♪♪
HEY, HEY!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. LET'S GIVE A HAND TO
THE PRISON CABLE NETWORK BAND! COME ON!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
I WANNA TELL EVERYBODY, IT'S SO GOOD
TO BE HERE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
WELL, NOT GOOD TO BE HERE, BUT GOOD
TO BE HERE. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING!
♪♪
I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE LOOKING
AT ME AND PROBABLY THINKING,
"HEY, THIS GUY'S A
KIDNAPPING, CAR-STEALING,
GUN-TOTING KILLER
FROM OAKLAND, HUH?"
WELL, I'M NOT, ALL RIGHT? I'M
FROM SAN FRANCISCO, HUH?
♪♪
OKAY, OKAY. OKAY, FOR OUR
FIRST ACT TONIGHT, ALL RIGHT...
THIS GUY IS MY HOME SLICE, MAN.
I LIKE TO CALL HIM POQUITO.
YOU CAN CALL HIM TINY, MAN.
HE'S GONNA BE DOING A SCENE FROM
THE WIZARD OF OZ, MAN. THAT'S RIGHT.
AND PERFORMING WITH
HIM IS MISS DEBBIE WALSH.
YEAH, SHE'S A VOLUNTEER IN THE INFIRMARY.
CHECK IT OUT. THIS IS GONNA BE HOT.
IT'S GONNA BE COOKING.
♪♪
OIL CAN. OIL CAN.
MM! MM. GOODNESS.
I CAN TALK AGAIN.
GOOD, TIN WOODSMAN.
UH, LOOK HERE. OIL ME
SOME MORE, DOROTHY.
DID THAT HURT?
NAH. THAT FELT GOOD.
I AIN'T BEEN ABLE TO
MOVE MY MOUTH IN AGES.
I JUST SCARED I
AIN'T GO NO HEART.
WELL, WE WERE ALL WONDERING IF YOU'D
LIKE TO COME TO THE EMERALD CITY WITH US...
AND SEE IF THE WIZARD OF
OZ WOULD GIVE YOU A HEART.
YOU LOOK GOOD, DOROTHY.
HE'S GONNA GIVE THE
SCARECROW A BRAIN.
YOU SMELL GOOD TOO, BABY.
TINY, THAT'S NOT IN THE SCRIPT.
YOUR BREASTESSES
LOOK SO NICE AND ROUND.
LOOK HERE! I GOT
TO HAVE YOU, BABY!
HEY, HEY!
ALL RIGHT. I GUESS WE ALL CAN
IDENTIFY WITH THAT PERFORMANCE, HUH?
NOW, YOU ALL ARE GONNA
DIG THIS NEXT ACT, OKAY?
HE KILLED AT THE APOLLO. HE
KILLED AT THE COMEDY STORE.
HE KILLED AT THE 7-11... THAT'S WHY THEY
BROUGHT HIM DOWN HERE TO DEATH ROW.
LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR THE
DEATH ROW COMIC. COME ON!
THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YEAH. REALLY GOOD TO BE HERE.
SO, IS THIS THING ON?
HEY! TAKE MY LIFE, PLEASE.
♪♪ HO!
YEAH. I JUST STABBED
A GUARD 57 TIMES,
AND BOY ARE MY ARMS TIRED.
♪♪ HO!
HEY! WHAT DO YOU SAY, FOLKS?
YOU KNOW, I WAS ALWAYS
THE CUT UP IN THE FAMILY.
MATTER OF FACT, I
CUT UP MY FAMILY!
♪♪ HEY!
YOU KNOW, MY NEXT APPEARANCE, THE WARDEN
GUARANTEED ME THE BEST SEAT IN THE HOUSE.
I TOLD HIM, HEY, I'LL GIVE AN
ELECTRIFYING PERFORMANCE.
♪♪ HEY, IS THIS THING ON?
LOOK, FOLKS, I'M DYING UP HERE.
HEY. DIG. I LOVE
MAKING PEOPLE LAUGH.
BUT, SEE, THE KEY TO MY
JOKES IS NOT IN THE DELIVERY.
IT'S IN THE EXECUTION.
♪♪
ALL RIGHT. IT'S TIME.
UM, ANYBODY HEARD
FROM THE GOVERNOR?
JUST KIDDING, Y'ALL.
GOOD NIGHT.
I KNOW THERE'S ONE GUY WHO HOPES WE
BLOW A FUSE TONIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
ALL RIGHT. THIS NEXT ACT
YOU GONNA LOVE, ALL RIGHT?
HIS LAST ASSISTANT HE SAWED
IN HALF AND GOT 25-TO-LIFE, MAN.
EEEH.
LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR THE MAGIC
OF CHARLIE MAGIC. COME ON!
♪♪
CHARLIE! CHARLIE! CHARLIE!
CHARLIE! CHARLIE! CHARLIE!
GOOD EVENING, GENTLEMEN. I
KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
HELL! I'M RIGHT
INSIDE YOUR HEADS!
TONIGHT I'M GONNA DO A LITTLE
DISAPPEARING ACT FOR YOU.
LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO
MY BEAUTIFUL ASSISTANT FRANK.
HE'S LOOKING ESPECIALLY
LOVELY TONIGHT.
FRANK'S GONNA STEP INSIDE
THIS BOX NOW AND DISAPPEAR.
AND DON'T THINK
I WON'T MISS HIM,
'CAUSE HE COST ME A
WHOLE CARTON OF SMOKES!
OKAY. NOW WE SAY
THE MAGIC WORDS...
AND TAP THE BOX TWICE
WITH THE MAGIC WAND.
GUARDS TO THE LEFT OF
ME. GUARDS TO THE RIGHT.
THE GUARD IN THE TOWER
IS SLEEPING TONIGHT.
HELTO-SKELTO.
ALAKAZAM!
DO THE DANCE OF DOOM AND PRESTO,
FRANK'S GONE, MAN!
HEE-HEE-HEE!
OH, MAN.
NOW I'M GONNA MAKE
BILL HERE DISAPPEAR.
THANK YOU, BILL.
NOW I'M GONNA
MAKE STU DISAPPEAR.
ALL RIGHT. AND HERE COMES
MIKE. NICE KNOWING YOU, MAN.
THIS IS THE WARDEN. BRING
'EM BACK NOW, CHARLIE.
SORRY, MAN. I DON'T
KNOW HOW TO DO THAT!
EVERYONE BACK IN
YOUR CELLS IMMEDIATELY.
THIS IS A LOCKDOWN.
♪♪
WELL, THAT LOOKS
LIKE OUR SHOW TONIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY. I CAN'T WAIT
TO SEE YOU ON THE OUTSIDE! ADIOS!
♪♪
♪♪
GOOD EVENING,
AND WELCOME TO THE
JUSTICE LEGIONS OF AMERICA.
AS YOU ALL KNOW,
THE JUSTICE LEGION RECENTLY
SETTLED AN AFFIRMATIVE-ACTION SUIT...
BROUGHT AGAINST IT
BY THE UNITED STATES.
APPARENTLY,
IT WAS FELT THAT THE LEGION'S MEMBERSHIP
HAS SHOWN A DISCRIMINATORY PREFERENCE...
FOR WHITE MEN AND INCREDIBLY
BEAUTIFUL WHITE WOMEN.
AS PART OF OUR SETTLEMENT,
WITHOUT DENYING OR
ADMITTING OUR GUILT,
I'D NOW LIKE TO PRESENT
OUR NEWEST MEMBERS.
PLEASE WELCOME OUR
FIRST JEWISH SUPERHERO,
BEARDMAN!
TCHAIKO THE HUMAN COMPUTER,
OUR FIRST ORIENTAL.
AND, OF COURSE, THE WOMAN WHO
ORIGINALLY BROUGHT THE SUIT AGAINST US,
ANGRYWOMAN, THE WORLD'S ONLY
BLACK FEMINIST LESBIAN SUPERHERO.
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST,
LET'S GIVE A WARM
JUSTICE LEAGUE WELCOME...
FOR THE NEWEST
HANDICAPPED SUPERHERO,
HANDI MAN!
THANK YOU.
I'M A MAN OF FEW WORDS.
AND I'D LIKE TO
SAY TO ALL THOSE...
WHO NEVER BELIEVED IN THE
POWER OF THE HANDICAPPED,
"THERE'S A NEW SHERIFF IN
TOWN AND THIS IS HIS BADGE."
LOOK! UP IN THE SKY!
IT'S A BIRD! IT'S A PLANE!
IT'S A GIANT HANDICAPPED SIGN!
LISTEN. I'D LOVE
TO STAY AND CHAT...
BUT THERE'S SOMEONE
WHO NEEDS MY HELP.
I'LL BE BACK.
UP, UP AND AWAY!
THANK GOD YOU HEARD MY CALL!
HAVE NO FEAR, HANDI MAN IS HERE.
GOOD. I GOTTA GO BAD.
THIS GUY'S BEEN IN THE STALL FOR OVER AN
HOUR AND A HALF. HE'S NOT EVEN DISABLED!
SAY NO MORE. WHEEL BACK.
SOMETHING TELLS ME THIS
AIN'T GONNA BE PRETTY.
HEY! WHAT THE... HEY!
COME ON OUTTA THE STALL
BEFORE THERE'S TROUBLE.
I AIN'T LEAVING.
UH-OH. LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S ABOUT
TO JOIN THE RANKS OF THE DISABLED.
LET'S GET BUSY!
A COOL DRINK OF WATER
OUGHTA CALM YOU DOWN.
NOW GET OUT OF HERE!
I'M SORRY, HANDI MAN! I'M SORRY.
OH! OH, NO! I DIDN'T DO
ANYTHING. I'M SORRY.
YOU SAVED THE DAY!
THE PHYSICALLY CHALLENGED HAVE
BEEN NEEDING A HERO, AND YOU'RE IT!
THANK YOU, HANDI MAN!
THAT'S OKAY, SON. AND REMEMBER,
NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE
POWERS OF THE HANDICAPPED.
UP, UP AND AWAY!
THANK GOD WE HAVE
HANDI MAN TO COUNT ON!
THE ADVENTURES OF HANDI MAN!
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
WE'RE GONNA SEE YOU AGAIN NEXT SUNDAY...
- 00, FOX.
UNTIL THEN, WE GONNA
GO HOME TONIGHT...
WITH THE FIRST FEMALE ON
THE NOTORIOUS DEF JAM LABEL,
GIVE IT UP FOR NIKKI D.
♪♪
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING
ABOUT. COME ON, Y'ALL.
IT'S THE END OF THE SHOW. YOU
MIGHT AS WELL HAVE A GOOD TIME.
YOU KNOW, THEY ALL WORKED IT. YOU GOT THE
FLY GIRLS, THE WHOLE IN LIVING COLOR POSSE.
AND WE'RE GONNA TAKE YOU HOME.
WE'RE GONNA TAKE YOU OUT LIKE THIS:
♪ WHEN I MAKE A MOVE YOU
BETTER BE AT A STANDSTILL ♪
♪ I'M HOLDING UP THE BANNER
FOR THE ANNUAL MIKE DRILL ♪
♪ MISTRESS OF THE RHYMES
AND WILL PICK UP A DRUMSTICK ♪
♪ AND HIT YOU WITH A RHYTHM
ONLY NIKKI CAN DEAL WITH ♪
♪ SEE, THIS IS A DIFFERENT PHASE
YOU WILL BE GETTING FAZED ♪
♪ YOU RAN YOUR MOUTH,
NO DOUBT I'M ON A RAMPAGE ♪
♪ DAMN IF I'LL BE GOOD I'LL TURN
THIS TRACK TO A GANGSTER ♪
♪ AND ROLL UP ON THE BITTIES
WHO ARE JOKES AND PRANKSTERS ♪
♪ STEP TO THE CROWD WORK
THE MIKE LIKE A SYMPHONY ♪
♪ STEADY RHYMING WITH CONVICTION
LET'S SEE HOW COULD GET NEXT TO ME ♪
♪ I GET DEEPER YOU WOULD
DROWN IT'S BEST TO PULL OUT NOW ♪
♪ SEARCHING FOR A REMEDY
TO GET RID OF ME, NO HOW ♪
♪ YOU'LL BE A MEMORY MIMICKING
ME 'CAUSE YOU GOT BOLD ♪
♪ SUCKER SIPPIN' ON SOUP
NO TOOTH, PUT IT ON HOLD ♪
♪ COLD-SHOOTING A GIFT
WHILE I WAS RIFFING A DREAM ♪
♪ YOU CAN BASE IF YOU WANT
BUT I'M LETTING OFF STEAM ♪
♪ SHOOTING A GIFT KEENEN'S
LETTING OFF STEAM ♪
♪ SHOOTING A GIFT DAMON'S
LETTING OFF STEAM ♪
♪ SHOOTING A GIFT
LET-LETTING OFF STEAM ♪
♪ SHOOTING A GIFT LETTING...
LETTING OFF STEAM ♪
♪ SHOOTING A GIFT
LET-LETTING OFF ♪
♪ SHOOTING A GIFT LETTING...
LETTING OFF STEAM ♪
♪ SHOOTING A GIFT
LET-LETTING OFF STEAM ♪
♪ SHOOTING A GIFT
LET-LETTING OFF ♪
♪ YOU WANNA KNOW THE STAR
STATUS WHEN I WALK IN THE STUDIO ♪
♪ MIKE'S THERE, TRACK'S BARE
AND I'M READY TO DO ME SOME ♪
♪ A TROOPER GETTING READY
FOR A REAL-LIFE RENEGADE ♪
♪ WAITING FOR A ROOKIE
WITH MIKE AND A BAD NAME ♪
♪ SO STEP INTO MY DOME YOU'LL
BE A VICTIM OF MEGABLAST ♪
♪ TRUE TREND-SETTER PUTTING
RHYMES ON A HIGHER GRAPH ♪
♪ ROUGH BE THE LYRICS STILL
AND STURDY THE MIKE STANDS ♪
♪ FIENDING FOR A BATTLE
TAKE IT UP WITH MY FANS ♪
♪ GO AHEAD, CALL ME A ROOKIE
I'LL BE HOOKING YOUR SHOW ♪
♪ TEN TIMES THE RHYME AND
YOUR CROWD'S ON PETROL ♪
♪ SHOOTING A GIFT WHILE
I WAS RIFFING A DREAM ♪♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN' ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
♪ TAKE IT FROM ME IT'S A'IGHT
TO BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ AND HOW WOULD YOU FEEL
KNOWING PREJUDICE WAS OBSOLETE ♪
♪ AND ALL MANKIND
DANCED TO THE EXACT BEAT ♪
♪ AND AT NIGHT IT WAS SAFE TO WALK
DOWN THE STREET ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ EVERYBODY HERE
IS EQUALLY KIND ♪
♪ EVERYBODY HERE
IS EQUALLY KIND ♪
♪ EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY
EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY HERE IS EQUALLY
KIND ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ WHAT'S MINE IS YOURS
AND WHAT'S YOURS IS MINE ♪
♪ IN LIVING C-C-C-OLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN' ♪
♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
♪ TAKE IT FROM ME IT'S A'IGHT
TO BE ♪ ♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU
WANNA DO IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
KEENEN IVORY WAYANS.
MY NEW LOOK. HUH?
A LITTLE SOMETHING. A LITTLE
SOMETHING, NEW JACKET THERE.
HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING?
GOOD TO HAVE YOU ALL HERE.
THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW THE RULES. YOU SIT
BACK, YOU LAUGH, WE DO THE REST.
WE'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE.
SHAWN, GET IT GOING.
♪♪ ♪ YOU CAN DO
WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪
♪ YOU SEE, IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪
ALL THESE GUYS ARE BUMS.
HE'LL WANNA FEEL YOU
OUT, SEE WHAT YOU GOT.
HE'S GOT JUST ONE
THING ON HIS MIND.
HE'S GONNA WANNA PUT YOU
ON YOUR BACK RIGHT AWAY.
THAT'S RIGHT. SO WHAT
I WANT YOU TO DO...
IS WHEN YOU'RE BOTH IN CLOSE
AND YOU'RE HOT AND SWEATY,
I WANT YOU TO THROW
IT IN HIS THIRD RIB.
YOU PUSH THAT IN THERE, IT PUSHES ALL THE
BILE OUT OF THE BODY RIGHT ONTO THE FLOOR.
BUT, DADS, IT'S JUST A DATE. DO
I HAVE TO WEAR THESE GLOVES?
OH, DARLIN', BUT IT GOES SO NICE
WITH THE MOUTHPIECE WE GOT YOU.
AT FIRST, THERE WAS
THREE CHAMPS AND A BABY.
NOW, TOUCH-TONE
PICTURES PRESENTS:
NOW, REMEMBER, NO
CONTACT BELOW THE BELT.
THAT'S RIGHT. LET'S
GET THESE UP THERE.
OH, DAD. NOW, DO YOU
REMEMBER WHAT I TOLD YA?
- NO, DAD.
- WELL, NEITHER DO I,
BUT JUST IN CASE...
HE MAY BE PRETTY.
HE MAY HAVE ZITS.
WHATEVER YOU DO,
DON'T LET HIM TOUCH, UH,
LIKE A BEE.
THANKS, DAD.
YOU KNOW, YOU LOOK
PRETTY ECSTATIC, DARLIN'.
THANKS. OH, I THINK I MIGHT
NEED SOME MONEY, DAD.
OH, THAT'S FINE. ALL
PRETTY GIRLS NEED MONEY.
HOW MUCH YOU NEED,
DARLIN'? 10, 20, 30,000?
HERE. TAKE IT ALL. HERE.
TAKE THE WATCH. OH.
TAKE THE DEED TO
THE HOUSE. TAKE IT ALL.
JUST GET YOUR BALDHEADED
MOTHER AWAY FROM ME!
MIKE! MIKE! MICHAEL! MICHAEL!
IT'S OVER NOW. OHHH.
I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
I HAD A LITHIUM
FLASHBACK. I'M ALL RIGHT.
IT'S OKAY, DAD. NO, DARLIN'.
THAT WAS PRETTY LUDICROUS.
HEY, "LUDICROUS."
THAT'S A PRETTY BIG WORD.
YEAH.
I REMEMBER THE FIRST
TIME I FELL IN LOVE.
IT WAS RIGHT AFTER A BIG FIGHT.
I LOOKED DOWN AND SAW
ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
EYES I'VE EVER SEEN,
AND IT WINKED AT ME.
THEN I PICKED IT UP AND
PUT IT BACK IN ITS SOCKET.
HEY. YOU KNOW, I
REMEMBER MY FIRST DATE.
- YOU DO?
- NO, I DON'T.
WELL, ANYWAY,
DARLIN', JUST REMEMBER,
IF YOU HAVE ANY PROBLEMS,
JUST CALL THE HOUSE.
I'LL HOP IN THE MERCEDES.
I'LL DRIVE RIGHT...
NO! NO! NO, NO!
DAD! DOORBELL.
THAT'S PRETTY FUNNY,
ALI. PRETTY FUNNY.
DAD, DAD, DAD,
THIS IS MY DATE,
GERRY COONEY, JR.
YEAH. HOW YOU DOING, KID?
- OH, GEEZ!
- LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON.
GERRY COONEY. EASY, EASY, EASY.
EASY. PUT YOUR ARM OVER
HERE. PUT YOUR ARM AROUND HIM.
THERE YOU GO. ALL RIGHT.
GOOD-BYE, YOUNG PEOPLE. HAVE
A GOOD TIME. GOOD-BYE, DADS.
YOU KIDS HAVE FUN. OKAY.
HAVE FUN. SAY HELLO
TO YOUR DAD FOR ME.
GEEZ. BOY, HER FIRST DATE, GUYS.
MM. I DON'T KNOW IF I'M
ECSTATIC OR LUDICROUS.
WHY DON'T WE JUST FIGHT
ANOTHER ROUND, MIKE?
ALL RIGHT. I TELL YOU WHAT, YOU GUESS
WHO I AM THIS TIME, ALL RIGHT? ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT. CHECK IT OUT NOW. WE'RE
IN THE SECOND ROUND, ALL RIGHT?
HIT ME WITH A RIGHT
HAND REAL SOFT. BOOM!
I'M DOWN. "HEY!
WHERE'S MY $22 MILLION?"
BUSTER DOUGLAS! THAT'S RIGHT!
THREE CHAMPS AND A LITTLE LADY.
COMING TO A THEATER NEAR YOU.
♪♪
HEY! WELCOME BACK
TO THE NEWLYWED GAME.
BIFF AND BUNNY, THAT
LAST ROUND WAS INCREDIBLE.
NOW, IT'S TIME TO SEE HOW
OUR HUSBANDS' ANSWERS...
MATCH UP WITH WHAT
THEIR WIVES HAVE SAID.
COUPLE NUMBER THREE,
PHILLIP AND LOUISE.
IF YOUR WIFE WAS A DOG, PHIL,
WHAT KIND OF A DOG WOULD SHE BE?
WELL, I'D HAVE TO SAY AN AFGHAN,
BECAUSE IT'S TALL, IT'S
REGAL AND IT'S ELEGANT...
EVERYTHING THAT SHE IS.
LOUISE, WANNA SHOW US YOUR CARD?
SHE SAID SHE WOULD NOT BE A DOG.
HEY, LOUISE, IT'S JUST A GAME.
I THOUGHT THE WHOLE
POINT WAS TO WIN.
WELL, UH, PHILLIP, YOU
CAN PLAY THE GAME,
BUT I'M NOT GOING TO ANSWER A
QUESTION THAT I FIND DEGRADING.
I KNOW WE'VE ONLY BEEN MARRIED A
MONTH, BUT I DON'T THINK I LIKE YOU.
WELL, ARE WE HAVING A
VERBAL CONFLICT, PHILLIP?
I KNOW OUR THERAPIST
TOLD US TO AVOID THAT.
MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST END
THIS MARRIAGE RIGHT NOW.
JUDGES? JUDGES SAY,
"END THE MARRIAGE."
OKAY. ON TO COUPLE NUMBER TWO.
BIFF, WHAT KIND OF
A DOG IS YOUR WIFE?
WELL, BOB, I
ALWAYS TELL BUNNY...
THAT'S SHE'S JUST A CUTE
LITTLE FLUFFY NEWBORN PUP...
WITH A WARM LITTLE BELLY...
AND A SHARP, SCRATCHY
LITTLE TONGUE...
AND DROOPY LITTLE
LOVABLE PUPPY DOG EYES.
BUNNY, SHOW US YOUR CARD.
HEY! THAT'S A DOGGONE
CORRECT ANSWER.
WHICH BRINGS US TO COUPLE
NUMBER ONE, FRED AND WILMA.
GUYS? YEAH.
WELL, FRED, WHAT KIND OF A
FOUR-LEGGED MUTT ARE YOU MARRIED TO?
HEY, HEY, HEY. MY WIFE
AIN'T NO MUTT, ALL RIGHT?
SHE'S MORE LIKE A
PIT BULL. A PIT BULL?
YEAH, A PIT BULL. ISN'T THAT ONE
OF THEM DOGS THAT, YOU KNOW,
CLAMPS ONTO YOUR BEHIND AND
WILL NOT LET GO NO MATTER WHAT?
UH-HUH. THAT'S WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT.
WHAT? SHE SAID...
SHE SAID, "THE BUTT."
THAT'S FROM WHEN WE...
THAT'S FROM BEFORE.
WHAT KIND OF A DOG IS
THAT? I SAID A POODLE!
OH. A POODLE! REMEMBER HOW YOU
BE SAYING WHENEVER WE MAKE LOVE,
MY HEAD BE LOOKING LIKE A POODLE
DANGLING FROM A DASHBOARD?
YEAH, BUT THE PIT BULL CLAMP.
OH, SHUT UP! YOU SO STUPID,
STUPID, STUPID, STUPID! BOB! BOB!
OKAY, BUNNY, WHAT PART OF
YOUR BODY REMINDS BIFF OF FOOD?
WELL, BOB, IT'S FUNNY
YOU SHOULD ASK THAT.
SEE, BIFF PUTS ON THESE CHAPS
AND HE TIGHTENS UP THE SADDLE...
AND HE STRAPS ON THOSE SPURS...
- SPECIFICALLY, BUNNY.
- WELL, UM,
MY FACE GETS ALL FLUSHED AND
MY CHEEKS ARE LIKE CHERRIES!
"CHEEKS LIKE CHERRIES."
BETTER PUT HIM OUT TO STUD.
THAT'S ALSO ANOTHER CORRECT
ANSWER AND 10 BIG POINTS...
WHICH BRINGS US BACK
TO FRED AND WILMA.
WELL, LET ME TELL
YOU SOMETHING, BOB.
MISSY OVER HERE AIN'T THE
ONLY ONE WITH CHERRY CHEEKS,
EXCEPT MINE AIN'T
THE ONES THAT SMILIN'.
FRED, COULD BE YOUR BIG CHANCE
TO GET OUT OF THE DOGHOUSE.
"COTTAGE CHEESE THIGHS."
COTTAGE CHEESE THIGHS!
COTTAGE CHEESE THIGHS.
YOU KNOW, BOB, SHE GOT
THOSE BIG LUMPS OF FAT
ON THE BACK OF HER LEGS.
- THEY HUNK OVER... THEY OVERFLOW
OVER HER PANTY HOSE.
- YEAH. UH-HUH.
I EVEN DREW A PICTURE. CHECK
IT OUT. THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
OH, THAT'S IT. SEE? THAT'S
THE FAT RIGHT THERE.
WHEN SHE WALKS, IT'S LIKE DEAD FISH
SLAPPING TOGETHER. COME ON NOW!
WELL, COUPLE NUMBER TWO?
COUPLE NUMBER TWO, YOU'RE
OUR GRAND PRIZE WINNER.
THIS IS BOB EUBANKS...
AND THE NEWLYWED GAME.
♪♪
♪♪
AND NOW, LIVE FROM CELL
BLOCK "B" PRISON CABLE NETWORK,
THE ONLY TV PRODUCED
IN PRISON FOR PRISONERS,
PRESENTS THE GOOD
BEHAVIOR VARIETY SHOW!
SO LET'S GIVE IT
UP FOR YOUR HOST...
SERVING A LIFE SENTENCE FOR...
YOU NAME IT, HE'S DONE IT.
HERE'S ANGEL!
♪♪
HEY, HEY!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. LET'S GIVE A HAND TO
THE PRISON CABLE NETWORK BAND! COME ON!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
I WANNA TELL EVERYBODY, IT'S SO GOOD
TO BE HERE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
WELL, NOT GOOD TO BE HERE, BUT GOOD
TO BE HERE. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING!
♪♪
I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE LOOKING
AT ME AND PROBABLY THINKING,
"HEY, THIS GUY'S A
KIDNAPPING, CAR-STEALING,
GUN-TOTING KILLER
FROM OAKLAND, HUH?"
WELL, I'M NOT, ALL RIGHT? I'M
FROM SAN FRANCISCO, HUH?
♪♪
OKAY, OKAY. OKAY, FOR OUR
FIRST ACT TONIGHT, ALL RIGHT...
THIS GUY IS MY HOME SLICE, MAN.
I LIKE TO CALL HIM POQUITO.
YOU CAN CALL HIM TINY, MAN.
HE'S GONNA BE DOING A SCENE FROM
THE WIZARD OF OZ, MAN. THAT'S RIGHT.
AND PERFORMING WITH
HIM IS MISS DEBBIE WALSH.
YEAH, SHE'S A VOLUNTEER IN THE INFIRMARY.
CHECK IT OUT. THIS IS GONNA BE HOT.
IT'S GONNA BE COOKING.
♪♪
OIL CAN. OIL CAN.
MM! MM. GOODNESS.
I CAN TALK AGAIN.
GOOD, TIN WOODSMAN.
UH, LOOK HERE. OIL ME
SOME MORE, DOROTHY.
DID THAT HURT?
NAH. THAT FELT GOOD.
I AIN'T BEEN ABLE TO
MOVE MY MOUTH IN AGES.
I JUST SCARED I
AIN'T GO NO HEART.
WELL, WE WERE ALL WONDERING IF YOU'D
LIKE TO COME TO THE EMERALD CITY WITH US...
AND SEE IF THE WIZARD OF
OZ WOULD GIVE YOU A HEART.
YOU LOOK GOOD, DOROTHY.
HE'S GONNA GIVE THE
SCARECROW A BRAIN.
YOU SMELL GOOD TOO, BABY.
TINY, THAT'S NOT IN THE SCRIPT.
YOUR BREASTESSES
LOOK SO NICE AND ROUND.
LOOK HERE! I GOT
TO HAVE YOU, BABY!
HEY, HEY!
ALL RIGHT. I GUESS WE ALL CAN
IDENTIFY WITH THAT PERFORMANCE, HUH?
NOW, YOU ALL ARE GONNA
DIG THIS NEXT ACT, OKAY?
HE KILLED AT THE APOLLO. HE
KILLED AT THE COMEDY STORE.
HE KILLED AT THE 7-11... THAT'S WHY THEY
BROUGHT HIM DOWN HERE TO DEATH ROW.
LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR THE
DEATH ROW COMIC. COME ON!
THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YEAH. REALLY GOOD TO BE HERE.
SO, IS THIS THING ON?
HEY! TAKE MY LIFE, PLEASE.
♪♪ HO!
YEAH. I JUST STABBED
A GUARD 57 TIMES,
AND BOY ARE MY ARMS TIRED.
♪♪ HO!
HEY! WHAT DO YOU SAY, FOLKS?
YOU KNOW, I WAS ALWAYS
THE CUT UP IN THE FAMILY.
MATTER OF FACT, I
CUT UP MY FAMILY!
♪♪ HEY!
YOU KNOW, MY NEXT APPEARANCE, THE WARDEN
GUARANTEED ME THE BEST SEAT IN THE HOUSE.
I TOLD HIM, HEY, I'LL GIVE AN
ELECTRIFYING PERFORMANCE.
♪♪ HEY, IS THIS THING ON?
LOOK, FOLKS, I'M DYING UP HERE.
HEY. DIG. I LOVE
MAKING PEOPLE LAUGH.
BUT, SEE, THE KEY TO MY
JOKES IS NOT IN THE DELIVERY.
IT'S IN THE EXECUTION.
♪♪
ALL RIGHT. IT'S TIME.
UM, ANYBODY HEARD
FROM THE GOVERNOR?
JUST KIDDING, Y'ALL.
GOOD NIGHT.
I KNOW THERE'S ONE GUY WHO HOPES WE
BLOW A FUSE TONIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
ALL RIGHT. THIS NEXT ACT
YOU GONNA LOVE, ALL RIGHT?
HIS LAST ASSISTANT HE SAWED
IN HALF AND GOT 25-TO-LIFE, MAN.
EEEH.
LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR THE MAGIC
OF CHARLIE MAGIC. COME ON!
♪♪
CHARLIE! CHARLIE! CHARLIE!
CHARLIE! CHARLIE! CHARLIE!
GOOD EVENING, GENTLEMEN. I
KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
HELL! I'M RIGHT
INSIDE YOUR HEADS!
TONIGHT I'M GONNA DO A LITTLE
DISAPPEARING ACT FOR YOU.
LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO
MY BEAUTIFUL ASSISTANT FRANK.
HE'S LOOKING ESPECIALLY
LOVELY TONIGHT.
FRANK'S GONNA STEP INSIDE
THIS BOX NOW AND DISAPPEAR.
AND DON'T THINK
I WON'T MISS HIM,
'CAUSE HE COST ME A
WHOLE CARTON OF SMOKES!
OKAY. NOW WE SAY
THE MAGIC WORDS...
AND TAP THE BOX TWICE
WITH THE MAGIC WAND.
GUARDS TO THE LEFT OF
ME. GUARDS TO THE RIGHT.
THE GUARD IN THE TOWER
IS SLEEPING TONIGHT.
HELTO-SKELTO.
ALAKAZAM!
DO THE DANCE OF DOOM AND PRESTO,
FRANK'S GONE, MAN!
HEE-HEE-HEE!
OH, MAN.
NOW I'M GONNA MAKE
BILL HERE DISAPPEAR.
THANK YOU, BILL.
NOW I'M GONNA
MAKE STU DISAPPEAR.
ALL RIGHT. AND HERE COMES
MIKE. NICE KNOWING YOU, MAN.
THIS IS THE WARDEN. BRING
'EM BACK NOW, CHARLIE.
SORRY, MAN. I DON'T
KNOW HOW TO DO THAT!
EVERYONE BACK IN
YOUR CELLS IMMEDIATELY.
THIS IS A LOCKDOWN.
♪♪
WELL, THAT LOOKS
LIKE OUR SHOW TONIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY. I CAN'T WAIT
TO SEE YOU ON THE OUTSIDE! ADIOS!
♪♪
♪♪
GOOD EVENING,
AND WELCOME TO THE
JUSTICE LEGIONS OF AMERICA.
AS YOU ALL KNOW,
THE JUSTICE LEGION RECENTLY
SETTLED AN AFFIRMATIVE-ACTION SUIT...
BROUGHT AGAINST IT
BY THE UNITED STATES.
APPARENTLY,
IT WAS FELT THAT THE LEGION'S MEMBERSHIP
HAS SHOWN A DISCRIMINATORY PREFERENCE...
FOR WHITE MEN AND INCREDIBLY
BEAUTIFUL WHITE WOMEN.
AS PART OF OUR SETTLEMENT,
WITHOUT DENYING OR
ADMITTING OUR GUILT,
I'D NOW LIKE TO PRESENT
OUR NEWEST MEMBERS.
PLEASE WELCOME OUR
FIRST JEWISH SUPERHERO,
BEARDMAN!
TCHAIKO THE HUMAN COMPUTER,
OUR FIRST ORIENTAL.
AND, OF COURSE, THE WOMAN WHO
ORIGINALLY BROUGHT THE SUIT AGAINST US,
ANGRYWOMAN, THE WORLD'S ONLY
BLACK FEMINIST LESBIAN SUPERHERO.
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST,
LET'S GIVE A WARM
JUSTICE LEAGUE WELCOME...
FOR THE NEWEST
HANDICAPPED SUPERHERO,
HANDI MAN!
THANK YOU.
I'M A MAN OF FEW WORDS.
AND I'D LIKE TO
SAY TO ALL THOSE...
WHO NEVER BELIEVED IN THE
POWER OF THE HANDICAPPED,
"THERE'S A NEW SHERIFF IN
TOWN AND THIS IS HIS BADGE."
LOOK! UP IN THE SKY!
IT'S A BIRD! IT'S A PLANE!
IT'S A GIANT HANDICAPPED SIGN!
LISTEN. I'D LOVE
TO STAY AND CHAT...
BUT THERE'S SOMEONE
WHO NEEDS MY HELP.
I'LL BE BACK.
UP, UP AND AWAY!
THANK GOD YOU HEARD MY CALL!
HAVE NO FEAR, HANDI MAN IS HERE.
GOOD. I GOTTA GO BAD.
THIS GUY'S BEEN IN THE STALL FOR OVER AN
HOUR AND A HALF. HE'S NOT EVEN DISABLED!
SAY NO MORE. WHEEL BACK.
SOMETHING TELLS ME THIS
AIN'T GONNA BE PRETTY.
HEY! WHAT THE... HEY!
COME ON OUTTA THE STALL
BEFORE THERE'S TROUBLE.
I AIN'T LEAVING.
UH-OH. LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S ABOUT
TO JOIN THE RANKS OF THE DISABLED.
LET'S GET BUSY!
A COOL DRINK OF WATER
OUGHTA CALM YOU DOWN.
NOW GET OUT OF HERE!
I'M SORRY, HANDI MAN! I'M SORRY.
OH! OH, NO! I DIDN'T DO
ANYTHING. I'M SORRY.
YOU SAVED THE DAY!
THE PHYSICALLY CHALLENGED HAVE
BEEN NEEDING A HERO, AND YOU'RE IT!
THANK YOU, HANDI MAN!
THAT'S OKAY, SON. AND REMEMBER,
NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE
POWERS OF THE HANDICAPPED.
UP, UP AND AWAY!
THANK GOD WE HAVE
HANDI MAN TO COUNT ON!
THE ADVENTURES OF HANDI MAN!
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
WE'RE GONNA SEE YOU AGAIN NEXT SUNDAY...
- 00, FOX.
UNTIL THEN, WE GONNA
GO HOME TONIGHT...
WITH THE FIRST FEMALE ON
THE NOTORIOUS DEF JAM LABEL,
GIVE IT UP FOR NIKKI D.
♪♪
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING
ABOUT. COME ON, Y'ALL.
IT'S THE END OF THE SHOW. YOU
MIGHT AS WELL HAVE A GOOD TIME.
YOU KNOW, THEY ALL WORKED IT. YOU GOT THE
FLY GIRLS, THE WHOLE IN LIVING COLOR POSSE.
AND WE'RE GONNA TAKE YOU HOME.
WE'RE GONNA TAKE YOU OUT LIKE THIS:
♪ WHEN I MAKE A MOVE YOU
BETTER BE AT A STANDSTILL ♪
♪ I'M HOLDING UP THE BANNER
FOR THE ANNUAL MIKE DRILL ♪
♪ MISTRESS OF THE RHYMES
AND WILL PICK UP A DRUMSTICK ♪
♪ AND HIT YOU WITH A RHYTHM
ONLY NIKKI CAN DEAL WITH ♪
♪ SEE, THIS IS A DIFFERENT PHASE
YOU WILL BE GETTING FAZED ♪
♪ YOU RAN YOUR MOUTH,
NO DOUBT I'M ON A RAMPAGE ♪
♪ DAMN IF I'LL BE GOOD I'LL TURN
THIS TRACK TO A GANGSTER ♪
♪ AND ROLL UP ON THE BITTIES
WHO ARE JOKES AND PRANKSTERS ♪
♪ STEP TO THE CROWD WORK
THE MIKE LIKE A SYMPHONY ♪
♪ STEADY RHYMING WITH CONVICTION
LET'S SEE HOW COULD GET NEXT TO ME ♪
♪ I GET DEEPER YOU WOULD
DROWN IT'S BEST TO PULL OUT NOW ♪
♪ SEARCHING FOR A REMEDY
TO GET RID OF ME, NO HOW ♪
♪ YOU'LL BE A MEMORY MIMICKING
ME 'CAUSE YOU GOT BOLD ♪
♪ SUCKER SIPPIN' ON SOUP
NO TOOTH, PUT IT ON HOLD ♪
♪ COLD-SHOOTING A GIFT
WHILE I WAS RIFFING A DREAM ♪
♪ YOU CAN BASE IF YOU WANT
BUT I'M LETTING OFF STEAM ♪
♪ SHOOTING A GIFT KEENEN'S
LETTING OFF STEAM ♪
♪ SHOOTING A GIFT DAMON'S
LETTING OFF STEAM ♪
♪ SHOOTING A GIFT
LET-LETTING OFF STEAM ♪
♪ SHOOTING A GIFT LETTING...
LETTING OFF STEAM ♪
♪ SHOOTING A GIFT
LET-LETTING OFF ♪
♪ SHOOTING A GIFT LETTING...
LETTING OFF STEAM ♪
♪ SHOOTING A GIFT
LET-LETTING OFF STEAM ♪
♪ SHOOTING A GIFT
LET-LETTING OFF ♪
♪ YOU WANNA KNOW THE STAR
STATUS WHEN I WALK IN THE STUDIO ♪
♪ MIKE'S THERE, TRACK'S BARE
AND I'M READY TO DO ME SOME ♪
♪ A TROOPER GETTING READY
FOR A REAL-LIFE RENEGADE ♪
♪ WAITING FOR A ROOKIE
WITH MIKE AND A BAD NAME ♪
♪ SO STEP INTO MY DOME YOU'LL
BE A VICTIM OF MEGABLAST ♪
♪ TRUE TREND-SETTER PUTTING
RHYMES ON A HIGHER GRAPH ♪
♪ ROUGH BE THE LYRICS STILL
AND STURDY THE MIKE STANDS ♪
♪ FIENDING FOR A BATTLE
TAKE IT UP WITH MY FANS ♪
♪ GO AHEAD, CALL ME A ROOKIE
I'LL BE HOOKING YOUR SHOW ♪
♪ TEN TIMES THE RHYME AND
YOUR CROWD'S ON PETROL ♪
♪ SHOOTING A GIFT WHILE
I WAS RIFFING A DREAM ♪♪