In Living Color (1990–1994): Season 1, Episode 11 - Anton and the People's Court - full transcript

♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪
♪ YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN' ♪

♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪

♪ IT'S NEVER TOO LATE
AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪

♪ TAKE IT FROM ME
IT'S A'IGHT TO BE ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ HOW WOULD YOU FEEL KNOWING
PREJUDICE WAS OBSOLETE ♪



♪ AND ALL MANKIND
DANCED TO THE EXACT BEAT ♪

♪ AND AT NIGHT IT WAS SAFE
TO WALK DOWN THE STREET ♪

♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ EVERYBODY HERE
IS EQUALLY KIND ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ WHAT'S MINE IS YOURS
AND WHAT'S YOURS IS MINE ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ HOW WOULD YOU FEEL KNOWING
EVERYBODY WAS YOUR FRIEND ♪

♪ FROM THIN TO THICK AND
THROUGH THICK AND THIN ♪



♪ AND EGOTISTICAL
TRIPS WAS PUT TO AN END ♪

♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE
MOON FLOAT LIKE A BALLOON ♪

♪ IT'S NEVER TOO LATE
AND IT'S NEVER TOO SOON ♪

♪ TAKE IT FROM ME
IT'S A'IGHT TO BE ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪

♪ HOW WOULD YOU FEEL KNOWING
PREJUDICE WAS OBSOLETE ♪

♪ AND ALL MANKIND
DANCED TO THE EXACT BEAT ♪

♪ AND AT NIGHT IT WAS SAFE
TO WALK DOWN THE STREET ♪

♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪♪

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE STAR OF
NIGHT COURT AND HER OWN TELEVISION SHOW,

MISS MARSHA WARFIELD.

HI. I'M MARSHA WARFIELD.

YOU KNOW, KEENAN ASKED ME TO
COME HOST THE SHOW FOR HIM TONIGHT,

AND THE FIRST THING I'M GONNA DO IS
CHANGE THE WAY THEY DO THINGS AROUND HERE.

I'M A GET RID OF THESE LITTLE TIRED
TRAMPS. OH, THEY GONE ALREADY. GOOD.

'CAUSE ALL FIVE OF THEM TOGETHER,
DON'T EVEN ADD UP TO ONE OF MY CHEEKS.

BUT I DO WANNA KEEP
MR. DEEJAY. MM-HMM.

COME ON DOWN HERE,
MR. DEEJAY. [Wolf Whistle]

OH, YES, YOU.

COME ON DOWN HERE,
DOLL. WE DON'T HAVE ALL DAY.

THAT'S... THAT'S S.W. ONE.

COME HERE. UNBUTTON THAT SHIRT.

MM-HMM.

OH, LET ME GIVE YOU A LITTLE
HELP. COME HERE. I GOT IT.

YOU GOT IT? MM.
ISN'T HE SOMETHING?

LET ME SEE YOU SHAKE YOUR THING.

YEAH, I'M A GET FIVE MORE LIKE
HIM AND PUT HIM ON MY SHOW.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
COME ON, DARLIN'.

[Man] FROM HOLLYWOOD, IT'S THE MOST
NONTHREATENING BLACK MEN ON TELEVISION,

THE BROTHERS BROTHERS.

WHOO! WHOO!

HIT IT, TOM.

♪ MY BROTHERS A
BROTHER AND SO AM I ♪

♪ OR SO IT APPEARS
TO THE CASUAL EYE ♪

♪ THE NETWORKS WANT BLACKS
BUT THEY DON'T WANT THEM REAL ♪

♪ SO OREOS LIKE US
GET A HELL OF A DEAL ♪

♪ SO IT'S HI-DEE-HO
TO PRIME TIME WE GO ♪

♪ WITH A "HEY, YOU JIVE TURKEY"
AND A "WHAT DO YOU SAY, BRO" ♪

♪ OUR SCRIPTS AND OUR
ACTING ARE WHITER THAN SNOW ♪

♪ WE'RE BROTHERS WHO ARE
BROTHERS AND WE HAVE OUR OWN SHOW ♪

HEY, TOM. YES, TOM?

UH, WAIT. HOW CAN WE
BOTH BE NAMED TOM?

EASY. WE'RE NAMED
AFTER OUR UNCLE. [Rim Shot]

OH, BOY. KNOCK,
KNOCK. WHO'S THERE?

SPIKE. SPIKE WHO?

HOPE IT'S NOT SPIKE LEE,
THAT LITTLE TROUBLEMAKER.

[Together] WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM?

♪ SO IT'S HI-DEE-HO
AS I PICK OUT MY 'FRO ♪

♪ WE ALL PLAY THE SAME
PARTS WHATEVER THE SHOW ♪

♪ THE GUYS ARE ALL PIMPS
AND EACH CHICK IS A HO ♪

♪ IF WE JUST SELL OUT
WE'LL BE ROLLING IN DOUGH ♪

SAY, TOM. YES, TOM?

DID YOU KNOW MOTHER WAS COMING TO
LIVE WITH US? THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

♪ BILL COSBY'S A DOCTOR
WITH A LAWYER FOR A WIFE ♪

♪ AS BLACK FOLKS ALL
KNOW IT'S THE AVERAGE LIFE ♪

♪ A SIX-BEDROOM HOUSE
AND A REALLY CUTE PUP ♪

♪ HIS KIDS DON'T DO DRUGS AND
THEY DON'T GET KNOCKED UP ♪

UH, TOM. YES, TOM?

WHAT'S BLACK AND WHITE
ALL OVER? [Chuckles] US.

WHOO-HOO! [Rim Shot]

♪ WITH A HI-DEE-HO AND
"WHAT'S HAPPENIN', DUDE" ♪

♪ TO SHOW YOU OUR REAL
SELF WOULD ONLY BE RUDE ♪

♪ IT'S A WHOLE DIFFERENT
WORLD TILL OUR RATINGS GET LOW ♪

♪ WE'RE BROTHERS WHO ARE
BROTHERS AND WE HAVE OUR OWN SHOW ♪

♪ WE'RE BROTHERS WHO ARE BROTHERS
AND WE HAVE OUR OWN SHOW ♪♪

[Together] GOOD-BYE.

[Man] THE BROTHERS BROTHERS COMEDY
HOUR IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WHITE OUT.

IF YOU CAN'T SEE IT, YOU
CAN PRETEND IT DOESN'T EXIST.

♪ CAN'T TOUCH THIS ♪

♪ CAN'T TOUCH THIS ♪

♪ CAN'T TOUCH THIS ♪

♪ MY, MY, MY MY PANTS SO BAGGY ♪

♪ WHEN I MOVE, IT AIN'T HARD
MAKE YOU WANNA SAY OH, MY LORD ♪

♪ HEY, HAMMER, DO YOU
REALLY HAVE A WEENIE ♪

♪ WITH PANTS LIKE THAT
YOU LOOK LIKE A GENIE ♪

♪ THEY GIVE ME A
REAL NICE BREEZE ♪

♪ LIKE A BIG, RED HAMMOCK ON THE
COCONUT TREES THEY'RE COOL NOW ♪

♪ ARE YOU GETTIN' MY DRIFT I'M DRY
WHERE IT COUNTS IT'S A SUPER FRESH LIFT ♪

♪ I'M JUMPIN' AND GROOVIN' AND SUCH
AND THIS IS THE DANCE YOU CAN'T TOUCH ♪

♪ BREAK IT DOWN ♪

UH-OH. UH-OH. UH-OH, UH-OH.

WATCH OUT, BABY.
HEY, GET ME OUT.

I CAN'T SEE NOTHIN'. WHOA!

HELP! WHOA! HELP ME.
GET ME OUT OF THIS THING.

[Yells]

STOP. HAMMER TIME.

♪ EVERY TIME YOU SEE ME
THE HAMMER'S ON A ROLL ♪

♪ EVEN WITH MY HEAD
STICKIN' OUT THE ZIPPER HOLE ♪

♪ THE LADIES THINK I'M HYPE
THEY COPY EVERYTHING I DO ♪

♪ IT'S HAMMER, YO, HAMMER MC HAMMER,
GO HAMMER UNTIL THERE'S SOMETHING NEW ♪

♪ CAN'T TOUCH THIS ♪

♪ YEAH, BOY CAN'T TOUCH THIS ♪♪

I JUST LOVE THESE OLD HORROR
MOVIES, DON'T YOU? YEAH.

I MUST HAVE AT LEAST SEEN THIS ONE
50 TIMES. WHICH ONE YOU LIKE BETTER?

[Man] WE AT CINE-GLOBE THEATRES
KNOW THAT NOTHING IS MORE ANNOYING...

THAN HAVING TO LISTEN TO A MOVIE
WHILE PEOPLE IN THE THEATER ARE TALKING.

[Arguing] THAT'S WHY WE TURN
DOWN THE VOLUME ON OUR MOVIES...

SO THAT YOU CAN REALLY
HEAR YOURSELVES TALKING.

- [Man #2] DON'T GO IN THERE!
- DON'T OPEN THAT DOOR, STUPID!

WHOO! DON'T TAKE
OFF THAT HOOD NOW.

HE'S GOING TO TURN INTO THE
FLY, RIGHT NOW. WATCH. WATCH.

HE'S A FLY! I TOLD YA NOT
TO TAKE OFF THAT HOOD.

- [Chattering]
- [Indistinct]

- [Louder Chattering]
- I WANT HIM! HE'S SO FINE!

WOULD THE PEOPLE WHO ARE
SPEAKING PLEASE BE QUIET?

I'M TRYING TO WATCH
THE FILM. WHO IS THIS GUY?

COME ON. YOU'RE UP,
AND YOU'RE OUTTA HERE.

[Jeering] HE TOOK MY ARMREST.

[Man] CINE-GLOBE THEATRE. ADMISSION
MAY BE REDUCED IF NO MOVIE IS SHOWING.

♪♪ [Blues]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. ALL RIGHT.

GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN. MY NAME IS CALHOUN TUBBS.

KNOWN TO MY FRIENDS
AS HARD FINGERS.

SEE, THAT'S 'CAUSE BACK IN 1947,

I ONCE PLAYED THE GUITAR FOR OVER 36
HOURS STRAIGHT... FOR NO REASON AT ALL.

THAT'S RIGHT. I WROTE A SONG
ABOUT IT. LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GO.

♪ I PLAYED GUITAR FOR 36
HOURS FOR NO REASON AT ALL ♪

♪♪ [Vocalizing]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

YOU KNOW, I'D LIKE TO WELCOME
Y'ALL TO MY 75th ANNIVERSARY SHOW.

THAT'S RIGHT. SEVENTY-FIVE
YEARS IN THE BUSINESS OF THE BLUES.

STILL TRYING TO MAKE IT. I WROTE A SONG
ABOUT IT. LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GOES.

♪ SEVENTY-FIVE YEARS
IN SHOW BUSINESS ♪

♪ AND I'M STILL
TRYING TO MAKE IT ♪

♪♪ [Vocalizing]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH! ALL RIGHT.

NOW YOU KNOW, I DONE
KNOWN ALL THE GREATS.

MUDDY WATERS, HOWLIN'
WOLF, JOHN LEE HOOKER.

BUT I AIN'T NEVER PLAYED
WITH NONE OF 'EM. NO.

BUT I USED TO SEE 'EM WALKING DOWN
THE STREET. I'D SAY, "HOW YOU DOIN', WOLF?"

AIN'T NEVER WAVED BACK. I
EVEN KNEW STEPIN FETCHIT.

BOY, THAT BOY TALKED JUST LIKE A
WHITE BOY... WHEN HE WASN'T WORKING.

BUT, YOU KNOW, I BELIEVE HE WAS
KIND OF LIKE A GENIUS THAT WAY.

I WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT.
LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GOES.

♪ STEPIN FETCHIT WAS A GENIUS
TALK JUST LIKE A WHITE BOY ♪

♪♪ [Vocalizing]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA
LET Y'ALL IN ON A SECRET.

SEE, YOU GOT TO HAVE YOU A GIMMICK
TO MAKE IT IN THE BUSINESS OF MUSIC.

I DONE HAD ME SEVERAL GIMMICKS IN
AND THROUGHOUT MY ILLUSTRIOUS CAREER.

THEY FIRST USED TO CALL
ME "PEG LEG" CALHOUN.

BUT THAT DIDN'T WORK OUT TOO GOOD
'CAUSE MY FEET SWOLE UP SOMETHING AWFUL...

SITTIN' ON MY KNEECAPS ALL DAY.

THAT'S WHEN I SWITCHED TO "BLIND BOY"
CALHOUN. THAT WORKED LIKE A CHARM, MAN.

BUT THESE DAMN HOODLUMS
STOLE ALL THE PENNIES OUT MY CUP.

I AIN'T WRITIN' NO SONG ABOUT
THAT. BUT I THINK I COULD RIGHT NOW.

LIKE TO HEAR IT? HERE IT GOES.

♪ THEY USED TO CALL ME BLIND BOY
CALHOUN, BUT THEY STOLE ALL MY PENNIES ♪

♪♪ [Vocalizing]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

I KNOW WHAT Y'ALL
ARE SAYING. YOU SAYING,

"THIS OLD MAN, HE DON'T
NEVER FINISH HIS SONGS."

NOW, SEE, THAT'S KINDA
LIKE MY NEW GIMMICK.

NOW, SO FAR, I DONE WROTE
OVER 12,000 NEW SONGS...

AND AIN'T NONE OF 'EM
LONGER THAN 13 SECONDS.

BUT, YOU KNOW, THE MUSIC
BUSINESS KEEP PASSING ME BY, MAN.

YES, SIR. BUT I GOTTA
LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.

I FIGURE I'VE BEEN A SUCCESS AT
BEING A FAILURE FOR OVER 75 YEARS.

NOW THAT'S SAYING
SOMETHING, AIN'T IT? WROTE A

SONG ABOUT IT. LIKE TO
HEAR IT? HERE IT GOES.

♪ I'VE BEEN A SUCCESS AT BEING
A FAILURE FOR OVER 75 YEARS ♪

♪♪ [Vocalizing]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

HELLO AGAIN. THIS IS FILM
VAULT KING TED TURNER...

DOING WHATEVER I PLEASE
WITH MORE CLASSIC FILMS.

THIS IS THE ORIGINAL PRINT
OF THE GRAPES OF WRATH.

GONNA PUT IT IN THOSE LITTLE
VIEW-MASTERS AND TRY TO MARKET THEM...

WITH PICTURES OF THE
CALIFORNIA RAISINS ON 'EM.

NOW, I UNDERSTAND A LOT OF YOU
PEOPLE HAVE AN INNATE RESPECT...

FOR THE ARTIST'S
ORIGINAL VISION.

BUT I HAVE SOMETHING YOU DON'T
HAVE: A RECEIPT OF PURCHASE.

[Blows Raspberry]

NOW HERE'S ANOTHER FILM I'VE
WORKED THE OLD COLORIZING MAGIC ON.

MIGHT LIKE IT. MIGHT NOT.

EITHER WAY, I'LL
SLEEP LIKE A BABY.

THE AFRICAN QUEEN...

STARRING LITTLE RICHARD.

SEEMS LIKE A
NATURAL, DOESN'T IT?

I'M STILL TED TURNER.
JANE, I'LL BE RIGHT OVER...

AS SOON AS I FLOSS MY TEETH.

♪♪ [Rap]

[Man] 22 MILLION BLACK VICTIMS
OF AMERICANISM ARE WAKING UP.

♪ AL SALAAM A'LAYKUM BLACK
MAN TIME TO MAKE A STAND ♪

♪ TIME TO WAKE A BAND
TIME TO MAKE A PLAN ♪

[Man] THE PLAINTIFF,
HACBAD MACBAR,

MANAGER OF AN ALL-NIGHT
CONVENIENCE STORE,

CLAIMS HE LOST BUSINESS
AND SUFFERED UNDUE ANGUISH.

HE IS SEEKING DAMAGES
IN THE AMOUNT OF $850.

THE DEFENDANT... WHERE IS HE?

DON'T PUSH ME. I'LL
SEE YOU IN COURT.

[Man] THE DEFENDANT, ANTON
JACKSON, IS COUNTERSUING...

FOR LOSS OF INCOME
AND EMOTIONAL DISTRESS.

THE AMOUNT HE'S
SEEKING IS... $5?

ALL RISE, THE HONORABLE
JUDGE WAPNER PRESIDING.

- COURT IS IN SESSION.
- [Loudly Clears Throat]

EXCUSE ME, YOUR
MAJESTY. [Blows Nose]

AS YOU CAN SEE, I DO NOT
HAVE ANY REPRESENTATION.

I TRIED CALLING
JACOBY AND MYERS...

BUT THEY WANTED A RETAINER.

AND I WASN'T ABOUT TO GIVE
UP MY JOCKSTRAP TO NOBODY.

SO, I'D LIKE TO ACT AS MY OWN
"EXECUTIONER" ON THIS HERE CASE.

MR. JACKSON, I ASSURE YOU YOU'LL
HAVE PLENTY OF OPPORTUNITY...

TO DEFEND YOURSELF
WHEN THE TIME COMES.

BUT, FOR NOW, YOU'LL HAVE TO
ASSUME THE PROPER POSITION.

AH, MAN. AGAIN? DAMN.

LOOK, I ASSURE YOU, THE CHOKE
HOLD WON'T BE NECESSARY.

- MR. JACKSON.
- WHAT?

I MEAN GO BACK TO YOUR
PROPER PLACE IN THE COURTROOM.

IF YOU NEED AN INTERPRETER,
I'LL GET ONE FOR YOU.

- OKAY.
- NOW, LET'S START WITH
THE PLAINTIFF,

- MR. MACA... MAC...
- MACBAR.

- MR. "COC-MAC."
- MACBAR!

- STATE YOUR CASE.
- WELL, YOUR HONOR, OKAY.

LAST WEDNESDAY, I NOTICED
WE WERE RUNNING LOW ON BEER.

I GO BACK TO MY FREEZER...
ONE OF THE FINEST

FREEZERS IN SOUTHERN
CALIFORNIA, MAY I...

OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR.
THAT'S PURE CONJECTURE.

SUSTAINED.

I'M JUST AS SURPRISED AS YOU.

- LET'S CONTINUE MR... "KNAPSACK."
- MACBAR!

WHATEVER. ANYWAY, I GO INTO
THE FREEZER TO GET SOME BEER.

I SEE THIS MAN SITTING ON THE ICE
MACHINE... CHANGING HIS UNDERWEAR.

SEVERAL OTHER CUSTOMERS SAW THIS
TOO. THEY START RUNNING OUT OF THE STORE,

AND I LOSE MUCH MONEY.

YOUR HONOR... [Clears Throat]

I'D LIKE TO EXPLAIN
MYSELF TO YOU.

I WAS MERELY TRYING TO FIND
SOME PRIVACY, YOU UNDERSTAND?

I WAS CHANGING FOR
MY SECOND SHOW.

SEE, THAT'S WHAT I DO.
I'M A STREET PERFORMER.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I WAS
ONCE HELD OVER AT CARNEGIE HALL.

FOR HOW LONG? UNTIL
THE POLICE ARRIVED?

[Laughing]

THAT WAS A GOOD ONE, YOUR
HONOR. "TILL THE POLICE ARRIVED?"

[Laughing] MR. JACKSON.

I'M GONNA PUT THAT IN MY
ACT. THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

MAY I APPROACH THE BENCH,
YOUR HONOR? I GUESS SO.

YOU SEE, I WOULDN'T... WHOA!

OH, 'SCUSE ME, YOUR HONOR. I JUST
HAD SOME LEFTOVER CHINESE FOOD.

MR. JACKSON, ONE MORE OUTBURST
LIKE THAT, AND I'LL CLEAR THIS COURTROOM.

ONE MORE OUTBURST LIKE THAT, AND
I'M SURE THE COURTROOM WILL CLEAR.

YOU WERE MAKING A POINT?

OH, YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT.
MY POINT. EXACTLY, EXACTLY.

I GOT SOMETHING WAY UP... YOU
EVER GET ONE THAT... TRY THIS.

- YEAH, THAT WORKED. THAT'S GOOD.
- YOU KEEP IT.

WHERE WAS I? OH, YEAH. MY CASE.

OKAY. NOW I NEED TO, FURTHERMORE,
GET MY EVIDENCE TOGETHER.

PUT EVERYTHING OUT. HE
SEEMS TO HAVE COME PREPARED.

HERE IT IS.

ALLOW ME TO
INTRODUCE EXHIBIT "A."

- WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
- THESE ARE MY UNDERWEAR.

AND THESE ARE THE
SAME DRAWERS I HAD ON...

AT THE NIGHT IN QUESTION.

THE NIGHT WHEN MR... [Makes
Hawking Sound] OVER THERE...

THAT'S RIGHT.

MR. LUNGIES KICKED ME IN MY ASS.

- YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER!
- THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING...

YOU'RE OUT OF
ORDER, MR. JACKSON!

I'M OUT OF ORDER? YOU'RE OUT OF
ORDER. MR. "MAC-HAKS" OUT OF ORDER.

THE WHOLE DAMN COURT
SYSTEM'S OUT OF ORDER!

OH, THAT WAS A SCENE
FROM AND JUSTICE FOR ALL.

YOU KNOW, I WENT UP FOR THAT
PART, BUT THEY BLACKBALLED ME.

- YOU WANNA SEE?
- LOOK, HERE'S $20, OKAY?

HERE'S 20 BUCKS, GET OUT OF MY
COURTROOM. DON'T EVER COME BACK.

WELL, THANK YOU, YOUR
HONOR. THIS COURT IS ADJOURNED.

I NEED THAT.

HERE COMES THE DEFENDANT
NOW. UH, MR. JACKSON?

WHAT? MR. JACKSON, UH, HOW DO
YOU FEEL ABOUT THE RULING ON...

OH, GOD! WHAT IS THAT SMELL?

[Mumbling] NAH, THIS
INTERVIEW IS OVER.

JOIN ME NEXT WEEK ON
POOR PEOPLE'S COURT...

CAN I SING A SONG?

♪ YOU GOT WHAT I NEED ♪♪

YEAH! ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU.

I WANNA THANK OUR
SPECIAL GUESTS...

WHERE Y'ALL AT?
COME ON OUT HERE.

OUR GUEST DANCERS, THE SOUL
BROTHERS. THANKS FOR DROPPING IN.

SEE Y'ALL NEXT WEEK.
GET OUTTA HERE.

♪ YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO ♪

♪ IN LIVING COLOR ♪